The Cruise: Day 12

"Breakfast is on," came Bud's voice behind me just as the sun rose above the sea, marking a new day of life and joy at being with my loved ones.

"Are you ready?"

"Oh yeah," he said.

"Good." We glared at one another and passed through the lounge to the dining hall. Everyone else was there waiting expectantly, gauging our faces and demeanor as we slammed our bodies into our respective chairs next to those each of us would rather have been with. Bud refused to look at me. I would not give him the pleasure, if it killed me.

Maximus braved the impending storm and looked directly at me, denying me his hand as I reached for it. "No. This is enough from you. Apologies. Both of you. You first," he stared hard into my face, daring me to protest his authority. "You are behaving like a child."

"Cold day in Hell, Max, sorry," Bud called from his seat.

"Then you will have to find another partner," I hissed at my husband. "Because I am not going to say it."

"At least we agree on something," Bud said.

"Will wonders never cease." We were silent a minute. Bud sipped his coffee. I gratefully accepted orange juice in my glass and pulled at it. Our eyes met over our utensils. Bud was the first.

He set his cup down and leered wickedly at me. I returned the favor, and we both lost our ability to hold our laughter in, any longer. No one else was amused. I wound my feet around my chair, just in case they decided to toss us in the sea.

Darcy was livid. "You two are so immature!" she yelled at us. Next to her, Jeff was finally able to crack up in mirth as well. Dino was hiding his behind sunglasses. Maximus caught the fact that it would be a struggle to move me.

"Just wait, my love," he whispered in my ear. "You can't sit there forever." Ah well. Bud and I had fun. We had conspired together, instead of against each other. Should that not count for something?

But it was hours to get there...

"Let's go fuck and make up, Queenie. Or whatever, but we are going to have an understanding before breakfast." Bud shot me his 'Officer' White look across the circle after a harsh exchange of words fueled by displeasure over the results of my turn at the game. If it had not been purely a matter of chance, I would swear it was rigged.

"We'll see." I picked up the gauntlet and stalked ahead of him to one of the empty cabins set aside for just this purpose. He slammed the door behind us and stood against it, chest heaving with frustration and rage. I took a place against the opposite wall.

"You bitch," he snarled quietly.

"Take your medicine, Bud. I'm not happy about this, either." Somehow I also managed to keep my voice down to a flat tone.

"You're not happy about diddly shit, unless it's all under your control."

"And you aren't happy, unless every single woman within close proximity is cooing over you or making a fuss about you. I'm not demure. I don't coo. I'm sorry it rankles you that I won't, but we both know why, don't we?"

"Well maybe you should be talking to your good buddy Mitchell? We were just fine until he stepped in the middle of it. I don't need you to coo over me, baby. Just some fucking respect," he fumed.

"Respect for what? Five minutes of short conversation in a hospital? If you had been a surly asshole in there, you know what would have happened. Who can blame you for being nice? And this whole episode? What is the matter with you? You shot your mouth off before you even knew what my reaction would be."

"You mean act like I didn't notice the disgust all over your face when you saw where that bottle was pointed? And Jesus Christ, Bou! Is that what you think? That I was just in the hospital for appearance? For chrissakes, do you think I don't care about you at all? I thought we were past this shit."

"Sometimes I have to wonder. Just when it seems like we are making some sort of treaty, something blows that out of the water."

"Usually you and your mouth, baby."

"Not always. I have asked you repeatedly not to call me 'queenie'. You insist anyway. I try to joke with you, but you get upset. You need to learn to take my humor better. Relax. I'm not always out to get you."

"Sometimes it don't come off as humor, Bou."

"If I can tease Hando the way I tease you and he accepts it for what it is, why can't you?"

"Because you make no bones about liking Hando, and you always let everyone know you have no use for me. That's why. Nothing I have done warrants that." He was clenching his hands and unclenching them, and I thought about the scene where he hit his lover in that instant of betrayal and pain so great that nothing mattered to him, but revenge.

I tried to keep my tone gentle and unthreatening. "Bud, look. Your big problem with me from the outset is that I am not of the feminine persuasion. Those were your words. I remember you said you couldn't understand what Max or the others saw in me. It hurt. But I am what I am."

"I'm not asking you to be anything different. Bou, you want to be friends?" He pursed his lips in uncertainty, studying me like a perpetrator in the interrogation room.

"Of course, if we are going to truly bury the hatchet."

"Then take a little advice. I've apologized. I truly am sorry. Quit throwing it in my face- I ain't proud of what I did that night."

"All right. I will stop."

"I could kiss you for that." He grinned evilly.

"How about don't and pretend you did?"

"Everyone will be waiting breathlessly to see what goes on," he reminded.

"We can go out when we are sure everyone is going at each other and do other things. Do you want to play pool?" I could hear the sounds of footsteps in various states of hurry as couples passed by and above us, on their way to their own fun. It would not be long before they forgot all about us. "Hando is teaching me and Jeff sucks at it, though Darcy swears he is getting better," I finished.

"That's because he plays down in the basement with his buddy." He thought for a moment. "I doubt it's all pool though." His shudder was not lost on me.

I laughed. "Pool tables are good for that sort of thing." Pool is not the only thing Hando has been teaching me on the felt.

"Uh huh. I know." Was he reminiscing over the table in the dingy bar Ann had taken him to in New Orleans?

The wall behind me was uncomfortable, so I moved to the bed and sat gingerly on the white coverlet while waiting out the next few minutes. He took up the end, deep in thought, but kept a bit of distance between us. I thought about his presence in the hospital when I had woken unsure where I was and if I was still alive. He had been great comfort in a moment of panic. And time is supposed to heal wounds, is it not? The moment to extend the olive branch and to let go of the old adversity was at hand. Work at a new sort of interaction. My thoughts were interrupted by the first sex-induced shriek of the night. Bud picked at the bedspread for a few seconds, then turned to me.

"Bou, are you telling me there's no way we're gonna make a little love?" Well, that was not quite the new sort of interaction I had in mind, I thought ruefully.

"Let's play the evening by ear, please?" I finally managed. I had no wish to play with his feelings, but that was just too fast a move for me.

He sighed as the wind slowly went out of his sails. "Bou, let me tell you something. I don't usually let women lead me around by the dick. But I'm gonna go along with you. This time." His pointed stare was not lost on me.

"I'm not leading anyone around by the dick. I'm still not sure of you. Just give it time, okay?"

"You're a tough nut to crack, sweetie," he smiled. "But I'll keep trying."

"Perhaps. But you know, the meat inside is worth the work."

"Baby, don't tease me too much. I might get amorous. And you'll slap me again." He held his hands up in mock defense when I shot him a withering look.

"Actually, ask Hando how his arm is."

He groaned. "Jesus..."

"I didn't break it! I just sent him a little message that I like to have choice, that's all."

"Well hell, that's some consolation." Was he edging away from me?

Ignoring him, I finished my explanation. "You'll notice I now have him eating out of my hand."

"Bou, is that what you want? Guys kneeling at your feet and eating out of your hand?"

"Bud, when they are kneeling at my feet, they are usually eating elsewhere." I made him laugh. His shoulders shook with mirth, and he smirked at me.

"You know," I added, "that tough guy act you put on for the girls also works in reverse."

"Honey, that is not an act. But I know how to be tender, too. Ask the girls. Give me a chance before you judge me, baby." He leaned on an elbow, watching my face as I ingested his words.

I returned the gaze over my shoulder. "Again, I am teasing you. I know you are tough and I do respect that," I told him truthfully. He nodded in acceptance of my admission. Understanding began to seep into our views of each other.

"And I respect that you are too. So we're even."

"Thank you," I whispered. Silence fell between us while the rest of the world, at least our little universe, was getting noisier. He shifted nervously behind me.

"So now what? Honey, you want to arm wrestle me? If you win, we don't have to fuck. But if I do..."

"We don't have to fuck?" I interjected quickly, giggling.

"And that's my sense of humor." He seemed pleased at my reaction.

"I have a better idea," my suggestion was met with an arched eyebrow and the chin lift. "I'm not as physically strong as you men. I am fast and smart. Do you play chess?"

"Yes."

"All right. If you beat me at a game of chess I will give it a shot."

"Deal," he gave in. I spit on my hand and held it out to him. He did the same, his grip strong and sure. And held on longer than necessary. He is definitely not the sum of his reputation as a brute. "Where did you learn that?" he indicated the handshake.

"I had a son," I grinned. "That gesture is as old as time." He helped me up and we walked down to the lounge.

Dino, Stephen, Jeff, and Paul were there, already set up in a poker game. They all looked relieved that we were still alive, still intact, and not arguing when we came over to see how the game was going. Jeff showed me his hand. It was not good. I shook my head and motioned for him to drop the bad card and take his chances on the draw.

"No coaching from the sidelines," Dino growled at me. "Besides, what the fuck do you know about poker?"

"Cort taught me, thank you. Judging from your hand, though," I leaned over to look, "it's a good thing it was him and not you." He grunted, raising his glass in salute.

"You two want to be dealt in? I'd like Bou here to put her money where her mouth is." Jeff's sharp intake of breath alerted him and he thought better of it.

"No," Bud answered for me. "She's putting other things where her mouth is over on the chess board."

"Suit yourselves. Good luck, White." I pulled my tongue out at Dino, then helped Bud set up our game, giving him the white pieces and thus the first move.

As he played his first pawn, I quizzed him. "Where did you learn to play?"

"Orphanage." It sounded like such a harsh word to me. The idea of children who have no home and no love to speak of rent my heart. Both Bud and Hando had such backgrounds. I felt a pang of loss for them. My own people's laws were very strict concerning the care and keep of children. Families were large, and there was always someplace to go if a child had no parents. Fosterage was not in my time what it is now. It was based on political connections and negotiation between families, but it engendered loyalty and bonds between clans, rather than producing lost souls looking for families. "How about you?" he asked, bringing me round from my thoughts.

"Hando plays. The game I actually learned had different pieces and moves, but was similar in purpose. So I picked up chess easily."

"You're pretty crazy about Hando, aren't you?" I chose my pawn while I considered my answer to that.

"I know you don't understand. No one but the two of us does, really, but I do love Hando very much. My reasons are my own, and someday I will share them. He loves me, as well. Not like Teener, but he does. Whatever happiness he has I am grateful for my part in."

He nodded gently. "I believe you. And I think he's changing, doing better. Growing up, maybe? Darce always had a thing for him too. She sees what I don't. All of you seem to."

"He loves us for it, too, in what ways he knows how. He is learning. It's hard to feel what you have never known. But he is starting to understand now."

"Bou, nobody needs to tell me about rough childhoods. But at least I had a mother who loved me while she lived." His next pawn was placed and he waited patiently for my following play.

"I know. I ache for both of you because I don't understand how a child can be tossed aside as refuse."

"My old man went one way, and by the grace of God, I went another." I thought about my parents, dead before I was grown, but who had been so much influence that I carry their guidance and dreams with me today, and Bud, who spent his entire life trying not to be the same kind of man his own father was.

"But you became a good man," I reminded him.

"I hope."

"Whether Hando realizes it or not, you are as much an example to him as Maximus or Terry or any of the others are. He needs that. I do hold that regard for you and have always."

"Thanks for that, hon. He'll work it out, though. The big difference is, he wants to now, where before he didn't. Now move." I moved the same pawn I started with, daring him to take it out when I set it in front of one of his own. He debated.

I picked our conversation back up. "Like all of you, he had to find that one reason to make those changes."

"That's all it takes," he muttered, while trying to decide what my strategy might be. He shook his head and took the pawn out. First sacrifice of the battle. I put out my next piece.

"Is Darcy your reason?"

"Of course. But you know that already."

"Yes. She adores you. There is no other above you. It will be worth all the effort for you in the end."

"Yeah, if only Mitchell and the fucking padre were out of the way." His rook broke the back line of defense. "Especially Jeff. He's in the fucking house all the time, looking for Darce."

"He adores her, Bud, but he won't step on your toes. You could try being a little less possessive of her where he's concerned. Aren't you glad she has someone about that will protect and care for her, when you are gone?"

"Oh yeah. I'm thrilled."

"She knows who she loves more. Give her that, at least. Let me illustrate for you." I placed my third pawn and talked while he chose his next position. "You commented once about my marriage to Maximus- how everyone was sure it was really Cort I wanted. It wasn't true. I adored Cort, but knew where I belonged and with whom I wanted to spend my life. It was always Maximus, and no one could ever take his place, even during the worst times. Cort has become little more than a good friend as time has gone on and I sort things out for myself. We aren't really even lovers, anymore, even though I want to see him on occasion. Maximus would trust him to stay with me and not try to steal me back, but it took him a long time to get to that place. Jeff is the same for Darcy. She loves him, but he is not you. And the reason for that is he has someone in his life, now. Just like Cort found Izzy and Darcy, and was able to let me go. Relationships work themselves out in their own time and fall into place, as they should. Give it time Bud, is all I am saying."

"Thank you for reminding me of Cort, Bou. Do you have any fucking clue how hot they are? Jesus Christ. She's nuts for him and he can't stay away from her." His pawn was shoved forward rather hard.

"I couldn't stay away from Cort for a long time, either. We had to let it run its course. Jeff and Darcy will, too."

"In all fairness," he admitted, "I'm just as bad with Izzy."

"There you have it. But there is something Darcy provides you that Isobel can't, right?"

"Let me tell you something about Mitchell and Darce. They love each other. They always will. And if things collapsed between us tomorrow, he'd move back in." He sounded so sure. I glanced over to my beloved friend, who was oblivious to the conversation centered on him. Instead, he was losing his poker game badly but just happy to be with friends and his lover. I caught the sly glances and hidden affection between himself and Paul, and I was not convinced that Bud was correct in his assumption.

"What about Paul? He gives Jeff something that Darcy can't."

We were having two different lines of discussion, for he was answering my question from before. "And yes, Darcy gives me everything I want and need. If I could live in this game with just her, I would. And yes, Paul does. I don't know, Bou," he sighed.

"It wouldn't be a game, then. And we wouldn't be having this conversation," I grinned.

"But you should see how it is with them," he tried.

"Bud, talk to Maximus some time. Ask about Cort and me and waiting out the storm of your loved one's affair." I neglected to add that Hando was also a strong contender for my affections and that issue is seeing its way to a resolution, as well. It is really unfair that we should have so many fine men in our midst; that each gives us something we need. And all of the sisters give them a different gift in return. Entangled relationships are a given in our little world, but that basic fact- the amalgam of personalities, dreams, and needs that shapes it will perpetuate affair after affair, as we grow as individuals and need different things at different times. My bishop made an appearance on the playing field.

"Bou, I'm not jealous anymore really. I know she loves me."

"But you still don't like Jeff."

"Yeah, but I'm warming up, I guess. He's a nut, makes me laugh." He inclined his head to the table on the other side of the room, where the object of our conversation was cutting up even as we spoke. We giggled to each other and went back to our game.

"It's all right, really. Maximus and Cort aren't the best of friends either, though they do actually speak now. Jeff has a large heart, Bud. Full of love and room for more."

"I can see that."

"Good. He is my best friend, you know?"

"All you girls say that."

"That's because he listens to us. When we need to be heard and not just maneuvered into sex, he is our best friend," I said quietly. Perhaps Jeff was listening to us, because his eyes met mine and his eyebrows raised in concern at the pensive look I was giving him. At a shake of my head, he smiled sweetly and went back to deviling Stephen.

"Well, he thinks a little different from the rest of us. We think with our dicks when we want you." A wide grin.

"Precisely. There are moments when we need to feel that we are not simply objects, and that our hearts matter. That we are truly being considered for what is on our minds, and not being coddled for the promise of sex."

"Bou, let me tell you something. I love my woman's mind and her heart. The body is just a perk. But I'm nuts for it, too." I laughed as I took his pawn and removed it from the board.

"I would hope so."

"God's gift, honey. Sex is God's gift."

"Yes, but a gift with responsibilities attached," I parried.

"That's a given- when you're talking about love." He captured my pawn but left himself open for my knight, who kicked his pawn around the black and white checked field with glee, earning me a roll of his eyes.

"Even casual sex should have a few rules."

"As long as a guy is a gentleman," he agreed.

"And a woman understands men," I suggested. Not one without the other. But I appreciated the initiative he showed in placing the largesse of the culpability on his own shoulders. As the game wore on and I learned a bit more about this man, the more willing I was to award 'gentleman' status to him.

"I don't know if we understand each other or not," he said.

"You and I? Or the genders in general?"

"In general." He was thinking hard on his next move. The clock behind him struck eleven. Hours to go, yet. We were offered a drink, which he gratefully accepted. Scotch, straight. I ordered a tequila sunrise. We were quiet for a while as we moved our men around, killing them as both of us tried to gain position on the other's king.

"We are not encouraged to in this time, really," I lamented, when I felt I had the answer. "The chasm is widened in subtle ways."

"But trying to figure it out is half the fun," he noted.

"Oh yes. You know, I grew up among men, but I am not always sure I quite understand them completely."

"I'd say no," he ventured.

"Explain."

"Just a gut feeling. From reading your stuff, I'd say you're still feeling your way like we all are." He had read my words? My curiosity was aroused. And he understood what drove them, as well.

"At times I think you are correct. It was not an easy thing to be a woman of my time, despite the privileges I enjoyed as a Celt. But I enjoyed them under an empire that cared little for its own women and gave them few rights, if any at all. To be taken seriously, you had to fight mental battles with them all day and be able to back that up with physical strength, often. I didn't know what it was to be a girl. I didn't have that option, because I was raised to hold offices normally reserved for males. I never learned the secrets of how women functioned beyond the basics."

"You have that option, now. Take advantage of it," he encouraged.

"I realize that, and I will. Change does not come easily, though. I am working at it."

"There's nothing wrong with the way you are as long as it makes you and Max happy, Bou."

"Maximus appreciates both in their places, I think. He likes a woman that is soft when he wants it, and strong when needs be."

There was a tone of gentle correction in his response. "All men like that. You think being soft is being weak. It's not."

"I like men as friends as well as lovers, though. I enjoy their company and the activities we normally associate with being for men."

"Nothing wrong with that," he indicated the poker table and the offer from Dino to deal me in with the boys. As if I were simply one of them, regardless of my gender. For a long time, I thought the problem with Bud and me was that very idea. That I do not always give in to my feminine nature and must prove myself in the eyes of men. It is habit long-ingrained. But looking back to the moment when our falling out began, I think differently.

Long before now, when the game was still young, I had the fortune or misfortune, depending on one's point of view, to house four of the brothers at the same time- Jeff, Bud, Arthur, and East. Bud was polite, kind, and eager to assist me with looking after the needs of the other three. East, thankfully, stayed to himself, preferring to leave the house early in the morning and return late in the night after spending all day with the horses Maximus had at the time. Arthur was crazy about Bud and shadowed him everywhere. And Jeff was...Jeff. He picked on Arthur constantly, because Arthur made himself a target. But he also set upon Bud. It was wearing on everyone when the time came to make bedding arrangements. My mistake was letting Jeff handle it when he offered, and Bud and I ended up sharing a bed. Well enough, it was understood to be one of the perks of a visit, and I was aware of that.

The problem lay with the fact that we simply had not had time to build chemistry. Period. We were tired, out of sorts with Jeff and his antics, and neither of us had energy left when we finally fell into bed late that night. We tried, but neither of us could find the spark to drive the act for us. Bud was angry, and without thinking, blamed it on my lack of feminine wiles. Without forethought, I reacted with a slap to his face. What he said to me hurt, and I did not hold back from letting him know. For a long time, he refused to apologize. In retrospect, I realize the problem was Jeff. He had planned from the start of that evening to get us together, making sure we ended up sitting next to one another or alone however he could think to arrange it. We were not ready to try an intimate connection, at that time. We may never have been sexually attracted, but the resultant argument also lost a friendship that might have been. A friendship that we are now trying to build from scratch. There may be moments when we still give each other a hard time, simply because our strong natures might clash. But as the morning light began to glow through the half-shuttered windows of the lounge and he finally checked my king, I think we reached that point where it did not seem so insurmountable a task.

"I'll tell you what," he snickered as he knocked the piece over with a loud click. "To show you what a nice guy I am, I'll let you off the hook. I win, but there's no obligation for you to hold up your end of the bargain."

"We made a wager."

"Look, Bou. If you ever want me, I'll be there. But I won't force you."

"No, that would not be a wise decision. But I do understand you."

"Good. Just if you ever get interested, let me know."

"I will," I assured him with a shy smile. "Let me get used to you as a friend before I make any other decisions, okay? It's my way, not a put off."

"Fair enough." We rose from the game table, and as the other men stumbled away from their all-night poker game, we swore them to complete secrecy. We still had one more thing to do as we joined our number ones and friends for the morning meal. He caught my arm as I stepped past him to watch the sun rise over the sea, at the back of the ship.

"Can I at least have a kiss good-bye?"

I thought for a minute, studying him. "Well, I don't normally kiss on the first date." I shifted from foot to foot and looked toward the door. I was nervous, and he can be quite charming. But I doubt I have to tell any of you that, right?

"Okay. No pressure. Go watch the sun. I'll come get you for breakfast." I turned, but he called me back. "Hey!"

"Yes?"

"This is not technically our first date." He had me there. Standing in front of him, I held his blue-green eyes with my own and placed the softest of kisses on his cheek.

"Everything in its time, Bud," I whispered, leaving the future open to whatever it brings.