[21 Dec 2000  California.]

DINO

You know, for a man whose life was pretty empty a couple of days ago, mine is getting fuller and fuller by the moment.  Yesterday the old man left a message on my cell and just hearing him talk about potential apartments and potential client lists reminded me that I couldn't really hang out here playing house forever.  My job, my means of providing for this new family of mine was back in Washington DC and the truth was, I needed to get back there.  Soon.  Not really such a big deal when it's just me.... but thinking of 'just me' isn't a luxury I have anymore. 

Heather and I needed to have a serious talk but I knew it wasn't going to be easy.  She'd had a lot of shocks recently.  I had as well.  Add to the list Andy and the impending Christmas holidays and it just seemed like we had enough on our plates to deal with already without me broaching the subject of uprooting this new family of mine and moving them from one coast to the other. 

We'd talked a lot already but we'd only talked around this particular issue.  She's a smart girl.  She knows I want to be Andy's dad- in his life, a part of his life every day.  She also knows I have a job waiting for me in DC and I'm sure by now she's put two and two together.  We just haven't sat down and officially discussed living together. 

In addition to that, there was the issue of the attraction I know we've both been feeling.  It's taken a back seat to all this other stuff- and rightly so- but we were going to need to have a frank discussion about that as well if we're going to be sharing a house.  The last thing I want is for either of us to be uncomfortable and living together is a pretty intimate thing even without being attracted to each other.   

And on top of it all was the pressing matter of Christmas.  It wasn't so much a chore as it was I had a huge number of balls in the air right now and I didn't want to drop one and take a chance on screwing up any of this while it was all still new and fragile.  There was just so much to figure out, to work out, and I'm just not the kind of man who likes to leave things to chance. 

Apparently, Heather didn't want to leave things to chance either.  That afternoon while Andy slept, instead of transcribing records, Heather and I had a long, much needed conversation about the future.  We talked about my desire to be a true father to Andy.  Her desire to see that happen as well as her concerns I might not be aware exactly what I was getting myself into.  I heard her concerns- and what she wasn't saying as well.  She wasn't about to do a single thing that might jeopardize the stability she'd given Andy.  It was another (not so pleasant reminder, this time) that she wasn't automatically ascribing to me all of the things she knew to be true of her Dean. 

I was torn between being proud that she was so vigilant in the way she watched over Andy and offended that she wasn't entirely confident I would always be there for him- for them both.  Of course, I'm also a trained negotiator and if you think I hadn't seen this coming a mile away, you're guilty of seriously underestimating what I'm capable of when I've made up my mind about something.  I intended to be Andy's father, to take care of both of them until I gave up my last breath on this earth.  I told her as much. 

And then I brought out the big guns.

Handed her my cell phone with Cayman National Bank in the queue and asked her to please call and verify funds in the account of one Andrew Thomas O'Leary.  Her eyes widened at the dollar figure and she sat there stunned while Maryann, the branch manager I'd talked with to set up the account, gave Heather all the pertinent details- including the kicker.  She was the sole person with access to that account.  Not even Andy could access it until he was twenty-one. 

As for where the money came from?  Let's just say I sold some information to SID for one of his little side ventures The Family isn't too aware of.  My hunch was right.  He has his digital fingers in some pretty twisted pots.  It compromised my ability to work as an effective K and R agent in one small area of what was formerly a Soviet Republic... and was as close to shady as I was probably ever going to come... but like I said, nothing in this world is going to come between me and a child that was carried under Gen's heart.

My only regret is that it couldn't have been more.  I'm not stupid.  I didn't give up anything that would be detrimental to the business Terry and I were trying to get off the ground.  All I did was provide Heather with the means to take care of Andy, should something happen to me.  They won't be living the high life or anything.  In truth, what I'd been able to arrange probably wouldn't afford them much more than they had now- with the exception of one little detail.  If she was frugal, Heather wouldn't have to work while Andy was little.

Heh.  Shocked her pretty good there.  She's not even talking.  Just looking at me in stunned disbelief.  It was shameless of me, I know, but I used the moment to my advantage and proposed my ideas for the future.  Moving to Washington.  Living together.  Sharing custody.  The whole nine yards.  I was a little concerned she might feel like I was trying to buy my way into their family- but I knew she didn't see me as meal ticket any more than I saw her as some sort of woman on the hunt for a sugar daddy. 

The simple truth was that we both wanted what was best for Andy and that meant sharing each other's lives.  Of course, that was a phrase that definitely required clarification.  Sharing our lives.  Jesus.  There was a whole big chunk there that didn't have the slightest thing to do with Andy and we both knew it.  She is not just a parent; she's also a woman with needs and desires of her own.  It's the same for me.  Though I cherish the chance to be a father to Andy, I am wise enough to know fatherhood alone is not enough to fulfill all my needs.   

Though it was a delicate subject, we managed a fairly blunt conversation.  Both of us are plain talkers, really, and the simple truth is we didn't have time to play coy.  I needed to be back in DC by January.  The bitch of it was, the fact we'd both felt something for the version of each other we knew in our pasts worked both for and against us.  I am not her Dean and she is not my Heather, but we are both similar enough to those people for that same attraction to be present, and yet we are also different enough for there to be a healthy dose of uncertainty as well. 

Neither of us are looking for a replacement for that person we once knew, but the fact remains that it is very easy to fall back on our knowledge of that person from our past to help us understand each other now.  We are both guilty of it.  And what's more dangerous is that most of the time it works.  Case in point, I trusted a complete stranger with the secret about my crossing because I'd trusted my Heather.  It's the same with her.  She let me in and gave me the benefit of the doubt that first night when I turned up at her door because she'd trusted her Dean.  Neither of us had been wrong yet, but someday we would be.  What would we do then?   

And yet, the there was an undeniable spark between us.  Something different than the 'what ifs' we'd both admitted to feeling in the past.  Something stronger.  It was confusing.  What if we gave things a shot and they didn't work out?  How could we live together and be the kind of parents Andy needed in that situation?  Jesus.  And if they did work out?  How could we ever be sure what we had was real?  That it wasn't just something we manufactured for Andy's sake, built on memories of what might have been?  Right now, Andy was the glue that held us together.  I was afraid he might also wind up being the grit that caused friction between us if we weren't careful. 

As much as I hated the idea, things would have been easier if her Dean had known her intimately; if he'd turned to her for that kind of solace after Gen died.  If that had been the case, there would never have been any shot at intimacy between us and we could have lived together platonically, amiably for as long as Andy required it.  This situation was much more difficult.  I think it was the spark of hope neither of us could really stamp out that made it so hard.  The knowledge that all the elements were present for something that could really work.  That finding a true, lasting love wasn't outside the realm of possibility.  But what a fucking big chance to take if we were wrong. 

Still, that afternoon, we made progress.  It was the first time we'd spoken definitively about the future and the first time either of us had ever verbally acknowledged the intense attraction between us.  It was awkward but not unbearable and I shamelessly admit to enjoying the blush it brought to her cheeks.  In addition to that little detail, she was surprisingly agreeable to moving.  I had expected reluctance on her part, or perhaps fear over leaving a place she was comfortable.... but she was right.  She had no family to hold her here.  Andy was too little to be in school so he wouldn't feel as if he was losing anything and with me providing for them, it allowed her to be a full time mom to Andy, something we both felt was a priority. 

Her response told me two things.  One, she was ready to begin trusting me with Andy.  And two, she was a lot closer to burning out than I had previously imagined.  She wasn't too proud to accept my help.  She wasn't naïve enough to trust blindly, but once she'd accepted the fact I planned on being in Andy's life for the long haul, she accepted my strength with a quiet gratefulness that was tinged with a desperate relief.  It made me feel proud she'd managed so well on her own but also showed me how alone she'd felt.  It made me feel good to be something this family needed.  Not just someone Andy needed, but someone she needed too.                    

I couldn't shake off that niggling feeling it was a little too neat, though.  I come into this world confused and alone, desperate for a root to cling to and I find a readymade family that seems to need me as much as I need them?  It just seemed a little too easy.  I knew better than that.  Andy was just a baby.  Kids are resilient and I knew he would no doubt adjust to me in a matter of weeks.  Heather was another matter entirely.  I wasn't kidding myself when I'd thought about looking her up.  I wasn't looking for romance because I wasn't ready for the kind of strings a serious romantic relationship would entail.  I'm still not.   

Not now.  Not yet.

I took responsibility for Andy for lots of reasons.  Heather was a part of that.  Gen might have given him life, but Heather is his mother.  He needed her and I wouldn't ever dream of taking another of Andy's loved ones from him.  He's lost too many already.  I was able and more than willing to step in as Andy's father.  In truth, the more time passed, the more excited I became over the whole idea.  But just because I was willing to accept a son didn't mean I was ready for something serious with his mother.  With any woman, really, much less one I already had deep feelings for.  Wounding her would be like wounding myself.   

Even innocents carry within them their own guilt in their own way. ... Danger lies along every path.

An old quote from something I read once rang loudly in my head.  I was again at the beginning of the road and it didn't matter which path I chose, none were without danger. 

Heather confessed to feeling much the same way.  While she was thrilled Andy was gaining a father, she was as protective of her heart as I was.  She wanted to be loved for herself, not because she was Andy's mother.  Some things are just not worth sacrificing, she'd said to me.  Good advice, I'd said.  She laughed and told me she was glad I thought so.  That they were her Dean's words, counsel he'd once given her on matters of the heart.  In truth, they were my father's words and probably his father's before that.  Strangely appropriate for this moment, wouldn't you say?

In the end, we just decided to take things a day at a time and see what happened.  It was as simple- and complex- as that.  Not soon after, I heard Andy beginning to wake.  He'd be calling out for her in a minute or two.  Heather rose and I noticed she had this strange little smile.  I asked about it and she just gave me this unreadable look and kind of shook her head.

"What?"

"He was right," she said almost to herself with this little mysterious smile.  She met my eyes.  "Life- you never know where it's going to take you from one moment to the next."  The look on her face said it wasn't her Dean who'd imparted that bit of knowledge.  She didn't offer more and I didn't ask, but I did get the impression she was sharing a glimpse of one of her little details with me, one that was personal and special.  A minute later Andy called out for her and the moment was gone. 

Whoever it was who'd said it, he was right.  I certainly hadn't expected life to take me here... but as moments go, it was a damn fine one to be dropped in the middle of.

[22 Dec 2000  California.]

DINO

I first broached the subject of Christmas shopping over breakfast.  Well, actually what I'd asked was if she'd mind me taking Andy out to do a bit of Christmas shopping with me today.  I had a few ideas and they included him.  Well, that and no man should have to face the malls at this time of year without a buddy.  Heh.  Backup.

At first I'd considered us all going out together but I didn't want to push too hard.  I felt like the fun 'family' outings we should be having at this stage were just the natural ones like when we piled into the car and went to the park after lunch.  Something a little less stressful than shopping two days before Christmas.  I had the notion our interaction with each other needed to be natural not forced, and to be honest, I also wanted a little father/son time alone with Andy.  Male bonding, you know?   

Truthfully, I hadn't really expected my request to be such a big deal.  I kind of thought Heather might be a bit embarrassed by the idea that the two men in her life were not at all being covert or smooth about their (OK my) desire to buy her something for Christmas... and I was right about that.  She did blush this most enchanting shade of pink.  But I hadn't expected her to get all quiet and pinched-faced over the idea of me taking Andy somewhere without her along. 

I took another sip of my coffee and sighed.  It was the first time we hadn't agreed on something and we weren't handling it very well.  We needed to be able to be open and talk about things or we'd never get them resolved.  Maybe it's the negotiator in me, but that's just the way I operate.  Set aside emotion.  Hear both sides.  Get the facts.  Weigh them.  Make a decision.  Take action.  It's not rocket science but both sides have to play the game for it to work.  I'm not a mind reader. 

It took another cup of coffee for us to get to the issue at hand- and in hindsight, I probably should have expected her reaction, but the truth was it kind of stunned me a little.  She was apprehensive about letting me leave with Andy.  Now, I have to admit, that hurt.  I sure as hell didn't expect her to trust me one hundred percent overnight or anything but I thought I'd established more credibility than that. 

To my mind, it didn't make sense.  She was willing to uproot her whole life and move across the country so Andy could be with his father but she didn't trust me to have him for an afternoon alone?  What the fuck?  Did she think I wasn't going to bring him back?  And then it dawned on me.  There was a part of her that was afraid of that very thing.  Christ.  Talk about a reality check. 

This was our first big test and we failed miserably, but you know, it kind of made me feel better in an odd sort of way.  It seems this readymade family of mine wasn't quite so pat and perfect after all and while that raised problems we were going to have to learn to deal with, strangely, it made me more comfortable.  I can't name a single old soldier who doesn't prefer to know what obstacles lay ahead rather than take his chances with an unknown 'happy trail'. 

We talked a little more and the picture got a little clearer for me.  She was embarrassed to admit to me that she didn't trust me totally, even with all the steps I'd taken to put her mind at ease.  But there was also a component to this that didn't have a single thing to do with me at all.  Aside from her old college roommate, who watched Andy the one day a week she volunteered, she'd never left him with anyone else.  Ever.  So, a part of this had to do with me and a part of this was just a normal overprotective reaction any single mom might have had.  Until a couple of days ago, the only person she could count on was herself. 

I knew it would be hard for her, but she needed to understand that had changed.  She and Andy weren't alone anymore.  The truth is simple.  As long as I had breath in my body, they wouldn't ever be alone again.  And though I was more grateful than she could ever know for what she'd done for Andy, I wasn't going to have my son wrapped in cotton wool. 

So.  Compromise.

I pulled out my wallet, removed the careworn picture of Gen and slid it across the table to her.  A fair exchange.  She would keep my most precious possession for the afternoon and I would keep hers.  I half expected her to be moved enough by my gesture to respond by giving me that smile she does and tucking the picture into my breast pocket with a little pat before she sent us on our way.  Hey, even K and R men are allowed their little fantasies.  But reality didn't quite play out that way. 

She placed the picture, the only connection I had left to the Gen I'd known, in a safe place on the mantle and brought me Andy's diaper bag with a shy smile.  So there it was.  Our first disagreement successfully negotiated.  Could have been better.  Could have been worse, too.  It did show me things weren't quite as idyllic as I'd originally imagined, but it also showed me that we were willing to work together.  To earn and give trust in baby steps, which to my mind was a hell of an improvement over the blind acceptance of a readymade family. 

Both of us were at the beginning of a new road.  Both of us were willing to take a risk on walking it together.  And the best part was both of us still had our eyes wide open.

[22 Dec 2000  The mall.  California.]

DINO

Wow.  Shopping with Andy was.... an experience.  Heh.  Typically, I'm not one for shopping.  I approach it like most men I know.  Get in.  Get the stuff.  Get the hell out.  There are two exceptions to that rule- one is if you're with a woman you want to sweep off her feet, and romantic presents are definitely a part of that.  And the other is if in the process of getting in and out, you happen to run across a pretty woman you want to get to know better.  I have been known to linger in both situations. 

Today, however, I became acquainted with the third exception- you simply cannot rush a small boy who is enthralled by the hustle and bustle of the tide of humanity at Christmas, the sights...... the sounds.... to say nothing of the stops to change his diaper or the way his little fingers wiggled and reached out when we passed the 'cookie' store.  OK, so I caved on that one.  Come on.  I like cookies too. 

I did have a mission though and I knew that with as short an attention span as he had, I needed to get that out of the way before he got tired and cranky.  So, first stop- after the cookies, of course, was one of those girly stores... you know, lotions and perfume, body oils and scented candles.   

Stay with me here and see if my reasoning doesn't make at least a little sense.  Heather's house is small- just the one bathroom.  Over the last couple days, I'd been in it both to answer nature's call and for the usual million trips Andy seemed to require.  He was in the early stages of potty training, and then there was hand washing, teeth brushing and bath time- something he absolutely loved because Heather used a couple drops of food coloring to tint his bathwater so he could play in blue or green or pink water.  She's a sneaky woman.  I approve.  He's so busy playing he doesn't realize he's actually in there to get clean.  It is a truly frightening notion to think she might be as good at playing us bigger boys as well.  Heh. 

Anyway, I've been in charge of bath time and let me tell you, the boy's half fish.  I've spent a goodly amount of time in their bathroom waiting while he played and splashed.  It's a little room full of kid stuff.  Diapers, baby powder, kiddy medicine, a big basket of bath toys... plus the usual stuff every adult has in their bathroom, but in all of that, I noticed very little in the way of personal girly stuff.  Now, I've been in more than my share of ladies' bathrooms over the years and I haven't met a woman yet who didn't like lotions and potions and things that smell nice, whether they are designed to make a man lose his mind, or not. 

So, I had this idea to get her some of that kind of stuff since all I could see was one mostly empty bottle of lavender perfume and an off brand of lavender body lotion.  I intended to get her some new lavender scented goodies, but I also wanted to get her something different.  Scent is a strong thing for a man- it can arouse us, entice us, put us off... but it can also trigger old memories and quite frankly, the scent of lavender made me think of my Heather, something I was trying to set aside in my quest to learn about this new Heather. 

So, that in mind, I figured if I was going to get her a new scent, it better be one that Andy liked too since he spends a lot of time in close contact with her- whether it's cuddling when he's tired or hanging on her when they play or snuggling affectionately.  He's a pretty physical little guy and I didn't want to make his mom smell 'wrong'.  We had a talk about it in the car on the way over.  Figured I'd just talk to him the way Heather does.  She doesn't use baby talk with him; she just explains things simply. 

Heh.  You should have heard us.  My first solo kid explanation.  Hey, buddy, it's like this... girls like things that are pretty and smell good just like little boys like fun toys and bigger boys like me like... well, we like bigger toys, I guess.  Yeah, it was real smooth.....   

I have to say, the kid has interesting tastes.  He made a face, just like I did when we first walked in, men have a more acute sense of smell than women do- which is why I think most of us don't like going into places like that.  They reek.  Anyway, I held him and we smelled our way through a bunch of stuff.  Not surprisingly, he liked the ones that smelled like things he recognized- ie... food.

It made me laugh.  No offence, buddy, but watermelon and raspberry just aren't going to do it for me.  Just when I thought we'd never agree, we hit on one we both liked.  The label said Warm Vanilla Sugar.  I was thinking, here we go, man.... another sickeningly sweet fakey scent, but it was surprisingly soft.  Enough to warrant a second sniff at any rate.  Andy clapped his hands and screeched, "This one, Daddy!" in a way that made a couple of other ladies with kids give me that sour look.  Hey!  I'm a new dad.  Give me a break.

I turned the bottle over.  Vanilla.  Basmati rice.  Sandalwood.  Bingo.  I wasn't sure what the hell basmati rice was supposed to smell like but I fucking love the scent of sandalwood on a woman's skin.  The vanilla tempered the more musky scent of the sandalwood, which is probably why Andy liked it, but despite the stupid name, it was actually a pretty sophisticated scent.  Warm and soft.   

I grabbed one of those ridiculous little baskets that are about five times too small for a man's hand and loaded up.  The vanilla first.... bought lotion and perfume, body wash and one of those foofy little shower sponge thingies.  I've used one before but fuck if I know what they're called.  I got her some body luster too, that lotion that is kind of pearly- gives a woman's skin a bit of a glow.  I like that look on a woman.  Personally, I prefer to put the glow there myself, but in this case, I could live with the bottled version. 

I bought her some of the lavender scent she likes, too.  Andy approved.  I let him smell it and his little round face got even rounder as he smiled this huge goofy grin and crowed, "Mamatu!" 

"Yup, buddy.  Smells just like your mom, doesn't it?"  He nodded and I added a few more things to the basket.  I also couldn't resist adding a couple of sandalwood items.  Hey, a man can dream, right? 

Our trip through the register line was interesting.  By the time we got there, I was more than ready to leave and having Andy hanging off me wasn't exactly helping.  How do women do this?  The little girl behind the counter was nice, commented on how my son looked just like me... which I have to say felt pretty damn good.  Had a bit of an awkward moment there though while she was wrapping up the various bottles.  I was juggling my wallet and Andy and trying to sign the receipt when she made some offhand comment about my good taste and how lucky my wife was. 

My wife.

I froze for a moment.  She's not my wife, I thought- but I managed to just smile, get my bags and get the hell out of Dodge.  No, she wasn't my wife but that was the first time I was ever faced with that dilemma.  She's not my wife.  Not my woman.  What the hell do I call her?  My baby's mama?  I remember wincing as I thought that.  It sounded a little too..... Jerry Springer.  Definitely not smooth.  My partner?  That made her sound like a man.  Heh.  I am the last man who'd ever swing that way.  I like women too much.  Always have. 

So, where did that leave me?  I gave Andy a look as we navigated the mall.  "What do I call your mom, buddy?" 

"Mom?"  He didn't look away from the toy store coming up on our left.

"Yeah.  Got any ideas what I should call her?"  Why not ask the kid.  Their perspective means something, doesn't it?  Aren't kids supposed to have some kind of inner light or some shit about this kind of thing?  Childhood wisdom? 

"Mom."  He answered in this voice that was so Gen, giving me shit- like what planet was I from that I didn't get something so simple.  Heh.  All he said was that one word but his tone implied, 'Well, duh, Daddy!  You call her Mom.  Sheesh!  Don't you know anything?'  Sometimes, a guy just can't catch a break.  Guess I'll shelve that one for a while and see what I can come up with.  It's OK.  Looks like I'm going to have a good long while to figure it out, you know? 

We shopped a little more, aimed for in and out but it wound up taking for fucking ever.  He was cranky by the time we were done.  So was I.  He slept all the way home in the car, which was kind of a blessing, really.  I wasn't too sure I could hack McDonald's after an afternoon at the mall.  This dad stuff was hard work.  I sure didn't mind it, though, and when we got home, carrying in his sleepy little body, all clingy and hiding his face in my neck?  Well, that definitely made Dean O'Leary's list of top ten coolest things ever.              

[22 Dec 2000  Home.  California.]

DINO

You know, I think an afternoon alone was just what Heather needed.  Downtime.  Recharge her batteries.  Maybe just enjoy the silence.  I know I would have.  I'd half expected her to hover over Andy when I brought him in but to my surprise, she didn't.  Although she did check on him, she didn't linger but instead followed me into the kitchen.  I made us some tea... the good stuff, naturally, and then sprawled out on the couch.  I was beat. 

That's when I noticed it.  There was a third stocking now, hanging under the mantle.  The new one was a deep dark red with a little gold bell on the toe and had 'Dad' stitched across the top of it in gold letters.  My throat got tight.  She'd spent the first afternoon she'd had to herself in two years making something for me? 

Damn. 

Just damn.  I didn't know what to say.  And that's not something that happens often to me.  She had this shy, sweet little smile on her 'cause she'd noticed the direction of my gaze but then she got all serious and damned if she didn't make me speechless twice inside two minutes.

"I was thinking... maybe you should start staying here.... if- if you want to."  Damn.  Her voice was soft but her fingers were plucking nervously at her clothes.  "Not- not just for Christmas... either... I mean, if we're going to be moving to DC at the end of this month, maybe we should do a trial run?  Get some of the bugs out?  I know there's bound to be some....."

The more she talked, the more color infused her cheeks.  I enjoyed it, but to be honest, I was sort of stunned by her proposal.  I also wasn't too sure how I felt about that idea.  Part of me was absolutely thrilled beyond words.  Another, smaller, part of me was selfish enough to wonder if maybe giving up the privacy a hotel room afforded me might be pretty tough.  I loved Andy.  I did.  And leaving him every night was hard.... but I did enjoy the peace and quiet. 

I've been a solitary man most of my life.  Even when I was together with Gen, we were both still active in the service.  We spent as much time together as we could but there was still time we spent apart.  Jesus.  I missed her so much.  Losing her like I did though, it taught me a very important lesson.  When you have good things in your life, people who love you who you love- hang on to them and grab every moment with them you can.  You never know how many of them you're going to get.  I would learn to deal with the lack of solitude.  Nothing was more important to me than getting to be in their lives.

"I'd like that."  I smiled at her, finally having found my tongue.  "I'd like that a whole lot, honey."

Of course, that opened up a whole different can of worms.  This place was small.  Seriously small.  Barely big enough for the two of them, much less me.  As it turns out, Heather had a plan for that as well.  We were less than a week away from packing up and getting on the road.  She proposed I take her room and she'd camp out in Andy's.

I countered with the couch.  I'd slept in worse places.  You have no idea.  I didn't want to put her out.  I'd never even been in her bedroom and now she wanted me to have it?  She had it all thought out, though.  And unlike this morning, this time it was me who struggled with setting aside my emotion to make a rational decision.  Heather pointed out (quite astutely, I might add) that I was probably going to need the space a locking door provided.  Living with a two year old was a major adjustment.   

I felt my cheeks heat a little that that- but she was right.  It made me wonder how often over the last couple years she'd wished she could just have some privacy.  My afternoon with Andy had been an eye-opener on that score.  With a kid that little, you couldn't even take a piss by yourself, much less escape for some time alone to just recharge.  When it's just one person, there is no relief.  No backup.  No rest for the weary.  My respect for her ratcheted up a few notches.  So did my resolve to take as much of the burden off her as I could.   

She also pointed out Andy might feel more comfortable with the change if she was in his room at night- close by in case any potential problems sprang up.  She didn't think there would be any, but she wanted to be there just in case.  We'd spend the holidays together and have a couple of days together afterwards to get used to the intimate rhythms of each other's lives and then we'd pack up and hit the road.  It was a good plan.  

So, that's how it happened.  For the second time in my life, I found myself living with a woman.  I went back to the hotel to get my things.  Took a little time enjoying what I knew would be the last bit of real privacy I had for a while.  Packed up what little I owned.  It all fit into one suitcase and a laptop bag.  Pretty pathetic.

I also called the old man.  That was a fun conversation.  First time I'd talked to him since I lit out.  He gave me some shit.  I gave him some shit.  We got each other up to speed on where we were at with the business.  Then I dropped the bomb on him.  While he'd been scouting apartments for himself, he'd been keeping his eyes open for me too.  The truth was, I didn't really care much one way or the other.... at least, I hadn't until now.

"Do me a favor, man?  I need you to find me a house.  Three bedrooms.  Decent neighborhood.  Doesn't have to be fancy.  Just sound."  I wanted this transition to be as smooth as possible and I wouldn't trust anyone but Terry to handle this for me.  I know it had to have come as a bit of a shock.  My parting words to him on the subject had been to keep an eye out for a halfway decent one bedroom apartment while he was hunting up one for himself.   

He snorted.  "What the fuck you need three rooms for, mate?  Your Mum moving in?  Paying guests?"

"You'll just have to see, won't you?"  I took a deep drag on my cigarette.  I hadn't told him about Andy.  Or Heather.  Frankly, I was afraid he might try to talk me out of it.  Even a good friend like Terry- maybe especially a good friend like him- would have reservations about what I was doing.  I didn't want to explain it all over the phone.  Fuck.  The old man didn't even know about my Gen.  She died right about the time I was hauling his sorry carcass out of that hellhole in Iraq.  Fuck.  I just didn't want to get into all of that.  Not like this.  Not now.  Maybe not ever. 

"You sound like you're in a hurry.  Said you were going to be back on the first.  There a day you need this done by, sunshine?"

I chucked at that.  "By the first would be great, honey.  Thanks."  I heard him curse and choke on his drink.

"Christ.  You don't want much, do you, mate?"  Ten days.  I knew it wasn't much time.

"I'd do it myself if I could.  You know that."  I took a swallow of scotch.  "I need you to do this, Terry."  For all the shit we talk, he knows me better than anyone.  He knows I wouldn't ask unless it was important. 

"Consider it done then."  

"Thank you."  No razzing.  No talking shit.  I meant what I said and he knew it.  I heard the flick of his lighter and smiled. 

"You fucking owe me for this.  Bigtime."  Jesus.  You could hear his smile.  "I expect a bottle.  The good stuff.... not that shit you drink."  He chuckled.  "And a handwritten note, expressing your undying gratitude, mate.  It is not open to negotiation."  Could he be any more smug? 

"You want a fucking love note?  Pathetic, man.  Just pathetic."    

"Absolutely.  Gonna frame it.  Hang it on my wall.... so it better be pretty or my feelings will be hurt."

"You are such a sad sack of shit, Thorne.  Remind me again why I want to go into business with you?"  God, I love winding him up.

"Reckon it's 'cos you know I'll make you an arseload of money, you tight bastard."

"Yeah.... I knew there was a reason I loved you, man."  We traded a few more insults.  Hammered out a few last details and that was that.

A couple of hours later, I was in Heather's bed, staring up at the ceiling.  Tired.  Hard.  The sheets smelled like lavender and woman.  I felt uncomfortable to be so aroused.  This room was her space.  It had a different feel from the rest of the house.  Softer.  More feminine.  I don't mean flowers and ruffles and all that.  It was more subtle than that.  The space was distinctly feminine but not in a way that made a man uncomfortable.  Well, all except for my erection, of course.            

The room had an old fashioned feel.  It was done in shades of lavender and green and cream.  There was a patchwork quilt on the bed and battenburg lace at the bottom of the curtains.  A green throw was spread over a hope chest that served as a seat under the window.  There were pictures of her friends and family on the dresser along with a single dried rose that was a bit dusty and looked as if it had seen better days.  There were three framed pieces of art on one wall; black and white charcoal renderings.  The first was a female nude, alone.  The second was a pair of lovers twined artfully together.  And the last was of a slender woman with rounded belly.  I wondered if she'd done them.  The Heather I'd known had dabbled but was nowhere near that good.   

I took a deep breath and stared back up at the ceiling.  She'd taken glow-in-the-dark paint and painstakingly reproduced the night sky on her ceiling.  I could pick out several familiar constellations and was suddenly struck by the idea that I really had no understanding of the private romantic side of her nature.  What I knew of my Heather certainly never touched on that.  In truth, I'd purposefully given that whole notion a wide berth.

It was impossible to do so now.  Even if I hadn't been in her space, surrounded by her scent.... I'd already made the mistake of fingering the titles on her bookshelf.  It was an eclectic mix.  Harry Potter.  A Bible.  Several books on kids, from first aid to potty training.  What to Feed Your Toddler.  Fun Stuff to do on a Shoestring.  That one stabbed at my heart.  Popular fiction.  Classics.  Poetry.  Sci-fi.  A couple very tasteful volumes of erotica that ranged from vanilla to dark chocolate with sprinkles, whip cream and blindfolds.  Hmm.....  Interesting.  A book on sensual massage.  A copy of the Kama Sutra.  That made me smile.  Heard a lot of jokes about that in my day but never knew anyone who had actually read it.  Besides myself, of course.  I withdrew it, thumbed it open to a random spot and let my finger trail down the page. 

And now for the love postures 
with which sculptors adorn our temple walls. 
When a couple make love standing, 
or leaning against a wall or a pillar, 
it is called Sthita (Steadied).

When the woman sits in her lover's 
cradled hands, her arms around his neck, 
thighs gripping his waist, 
her feet pushing back and forth against a wall, 
it is Avalambitaka (Suspended).   

Had she read that?  Fuck.  Had she done that?  It was a dangerous line of thinking, and the reason I was lying in this bed, trying to ignore the heavy pressure between my legs.  With those words in my mind and her scent surrounding me, my brain seemed to be instinctively trying to combine those two things.  I kept seeing this image of her... that gorgeous butt of her cradled in my hands, her arms around my neck, her thighs around my waist.... rocking... rocking.... letting me in so deep.  Jesus! 

I sighed heavily and turned over, wincing as I did so.  I was uncomfortably hard but there was no way I was going to get myself off in her bed....  Fuck.  That thought got me wondering if she'd ever gotten herself off in this bed.  Her collection of erotic literature hinted towards a very sensual woman.  Did she lie here in the dark with her little hand between her spread thighs?  What did she think about?  I felt the front of my skivvies grow damp as my body responded to the images in my mind's eye.  Christ.  This was intolerable.

I flung the covers back and got up.  Opening the window to let in the cold December night air, I stripped off my t-shirt and gave my shoulders a quick stretch before I dropped prone to the floor and let 'em rip.  My body fell into the old familiar rhythm with ease.  Twenty-two... twenty-three... twenty-four......  Fucking pushups.  But what else could I do?  I couldn't leave them and go out.  Not on our first night together.  With the size of the hard-on I had, I couldn't go and sit on the couch and let the television numb my brain into sleep.  I wouldn't jerk off in her bed.  That didn't leave many options.... fifty-six... fifty-seven... fifty-eight.... 

By the time I'd hit the mid seventies, I was feeling the burn.  I focused my mind on that feeling to distract myself from the different kind of burn I was feeling a little further south.  By two hundred, I'd broken a sweat and the burn had started licking along my arms and back like fire.  I set my internal counter and let my mind go blank, divorcing myself from the pain and kept going.  I stopped at three hundred.  The veins in my forearms were standing out.  I was sweaty.  My arms hurt.  I was going to fucking feel it in the morning, I could tell already... but on the up shot, my dick was no longer doubling as a kickstand.  At least now I could get some fucking sleep.

I stripped off my skivvies and stood in front of the open window, breathing deeply until the cold night wind had dried the light sweat on my skin and I was beginning to shiver.  I looked down and grimaced.  Better too cold than too hard, though.  Pulling on some sweats, I hit the can and was on my way to the kitchen for a glass of water when I passed Andy's door.  I was unable to stop myself from checking in on them. 

My family.  

Andy was sleeping on his tummy with his knees bent and his little butt in the air.  Heh.  Looked uncomfortable as hell, but he seemed to be sleeping deeply despite the awkward position.  Heather was on a small cot nearby.  Her dark hair was spread over the smooth creamy skin of her back and she was hugging a pillow to her chest.  It seemed such a lonely thing.  I'd know.  I do it too.

I stood there and listened to them breathe for a while, just content to do nothing more than watch over them as they slept.  A little while later, the Tinman said a quiet goodnight to his newly found heart and wandered back to his bed with a smile on his face.