SUNDAY  

Bless me, Father, for I have Sinned.  Isn't that how all good confessions begin?  Save my soul?  Give me absolution?  My mind conjured an image of Cort and now I've yet more to atone for... and I'm quite certain I've plenty to confess already.  It just isn't the kind of sin one would expect after having spent a week at the Temple in the company of all those beautiful, lonely men. 

So, what could my terrible confession be?  Gluttony?  Possibly.  I've had quite an appetite this week, for flesh as well as food.  Lust?  Does that one even need an explanation?  I wanted so terribly my heart ached with it.  Anger?  Certainly.  Stag night.  I watched a woman who was not a Sister touch and fondle the man who keeps my heart.  Anger was a sword burning in my breast that night.  It smolders even now.  Still, I think my confession is not what most of my Sisters would imagine. 

Diary, it is here in your blank pages I will give up my secrets because I want so desperately for one reader, above all others, to know and understand.

WEDNESDAY 

Nash.  I just... I don't know what it is about him.  Before I'd met Lachlan, when I was new and green to the Game, I'd wondered if maybe he wasn't the Brother for me.  Prideful thinking, I know.  A man of his intellect and a simple woman such as myself?  I could never engage his mind as he deserves.  I think with a brush not a grease pencil and that's much too wide a chasm to cross.  Perhaps not for a visit, but it would have been for anything more than that.

I called him, you know, not long after I became a Sister.  Partly because I wanted to hear his voice and partly because I'd had a question about the portals.  On the phone, John was friendly but distant... well, maybe not so much distant as distracted.  I had the sense he wanted to talk to me but that he just couldn't make his mind focus upon our conversation.  He didn't have an answer for me about the portal either.  I guess it's all really conjecture and theory when it comes to the laws of portals anyway.  I suppose it doesn't really matter.  Just one of those passing thoughts, you know?

I hadn't seen much of John during Temple week.  I think for as much as he wants to visit with us and share our minds and bodies, he is a creature of habit.  He doesn't like change and I wondered if maybe he didn't feel like we'd all sort of descended upon his sanctuary.  I know Lachlan said that a lot of the Brothers aren't truly happy here but I think Nash is.  He likes the solitude.  A quiet place to think.  Good friends around to have a beer with when he's managed to pull himself away from his work and pretty naiads to appease his other needs. 

I think it's interesting that the smartest among the Brothers here probably has the least aversion to them.  Maybe that's because a lot of the people he's known in his life have been constructs of his imagination.  Who really knows with Nash?  He's sort of a force unto himself.  In any case, seeing him was a treat.  Well, not at first... but I think you'll understand once you have the whole story.     

So, Wednesday.  I'd returned with Dino around sunrise and slept most of the day away after I got back, partly because I was physically drained from what had happened between us and partly because I was emotionally drained as well.  Tuesday hadn't been an easy day for me, even with Dino's tender care.  Around eleven, I woke up and finally managed to get myself going.  It wasn't the kind of 'going' you might think though.  Surrounded by all these bright, funny, sexy men, I found it wasn't the catharsis of sex I craved but the catharsis of painting. 

Actually, it worked out rather well.  A few weeks back, one of the Brothers had asked me to do some sketches of his woman, a surprise gift for her.  Temple week was the perfect time to capture that elusive thing that makes her... well, her.  I also had another little project I'd promised to do for a different Brother and I needed to have it done by the time we all left the Temple, so while my Sisters slept and cavorted and had lovely assignations with even lovelier men, I spent the afternoon ensconced in my room sketching and painting. 

Around four, hunger finally drove me from my sanctuary but I only disappeared long enough to pour myself a glass of wine and grab a few choice tidbits from a plate of hors d'oeuvres in the kitchen before I returned to my work.  I nearly dropped my wineglass when I sailed back through the open door of my room and found John poised over my latest work, a grease pencil in his fingers.

"John!"

He didn't whirl around as anyone else would have.  He sort of blinked a few times and then slowly turned his head to look at me, never even once thinking there was anything wrong with what he was about to do, because to him, there wasn't.  He just doesn't see social constructs the way the rest of us do. 

I put down the wineglass and the plate and walked to him slowly, gently removing the heavy black pencil from his fingers as I gave him a soft kiss.  He can't help the way he is.  And I'm attracted to him all the more because of it.  He cocked his head and looked at me, tongue teasing his lip for just a moment before he turned back to my painting.

"You see them."  He shook his head, muttering to himself.  "They're here.  So many layers....So many different..." his voice trailed off and his finger traced in the air above my painting.  He turned jerkily and looked at me expectantly.  "The lights.  The connections.  They're here." 

"What?"  I had no idea what he was talking about.  What lights?  Painting with watercolors is a bit unique.  It's not like oils at all.  The paint is transparent.  I prefer to add it slowly, layer by layer, overlapping color that is so faint you almost can't see it until you get enough layers for a true color to emerge, carefully crafted into whatever shape the subject requires.  So, lights?  I thought back to his film and remembered how he saw those glittering patterns when he looked at an ordinary object.  My breath caught.  He saw those in my work?  I was floored.  And not at all surprised he didn't answer my question.  I tried again.   

"You see them there, that weird thing you do with the light?"  OK, not the most eloquently worded question, but he got my meaning.  He shook his head at me, clearly thinking I was the nutty one for not being able to see them in my own work.  Well, maybe that's not entirely true.  I didn't see specific patterns of light but I could tell when a painting had that spark that made it good or when it was simply a painting.  Attractive, perhaps, but not exceptional. 

I suddenly had an idea.  I flipped open my sketchbook.  "Do you see them here?"  He paged through it, nodding as he went.  I flipped it to a little watercolor sketch I'd done of the lake.  It was pretty but I knew it wasn't good.  "What about here?" 

He shook his head.  "That one's dark.  No lights."  I thought a much.  Interesting.  Perhaps the chasm between the brush and the grease pencil was not as wide as I'd once imagined.  He closed the book and dropped it on the desk, obviously board with what he saw in it but not in a rude way, just in his usual brusk fashion.  I adored the way his reactions to everything were so refreshingly honest.

His eyes darted around the room, coming to rest on my bare shoulders and I suddenly wished I was wearing something prettier than a spaghetti strap tank top and shorts.  He looked back toward the painting but moved closer to me, turning his head and looking at the exposed skin on my back as he spoke.  He rubbed his forehead and as he dropped his hand, his brow furrowed.  "My Alicia believed God was a painter."  He had a far-away look in his eyes.  "You remind me of her."

"Because I paint?"  I nodded toward the watercolor.  Or maybe it was because we were both slender brunettes and I just happened to be wearing my hair up this afternoon. 

His eyes jumped back to mind and danced with something I couldn't quite name.  "No."  He smiled widely.  "You have the same irreverent nature."  His smile faded and he cocked his head.  "Are you going to kick me out now?"  He asked it like he already thought it was going to happen and it endeared him to me all the more.  "I have a tendency to expedite the flow of information and it usually..."

His voice trailed off as I took his big hand in mine and kissed it gently.  We stared at each other a long moment and I thought again what a wonderful blend of contrasts he was.  Intelligence.  Awkwardness.  Confidence.  Sadness.  Humor....And he surely had the same irreverence I did.  I flashed on a memory from his film.  A young John holding his shoes in his hands as he strode through the library and shouted, "I have respect for beer!"  Seeing the intense look on his face now, though, I lost my inclination to laugh.     

The mood was broken when my stomach growled and I was suddenly reminded of what I'd been doing when I caught him with the pencil poised over my work.  I studied him and smiled.  He was looking at my shoulders again.  "John, what are you doing here?"  I mean, I'd left the door open and I didn't really care that he'd come in, but he was the last person I expected to see here.  Not that I wanted him to go. 

His smile was sheepish, like he'd suddenly just realized he was in my bedroom.  "I was looking for Uma.  Someone said they saw her in here." 

Well, that was true enough.  She'd breezed in for a minute a little while ago, but she'd been on her way to God knows where and as is typical of the Hurricane, she'd blown out again just as quickly.  Frankly, I was glad.  I really did want to talk to her but I was missing Lachlan so terribly and I knew that he'd been the one to fly Uma and Jeff to the Temple.  I just....well, I know how very much he cares for her and I just knew he'd have been with her intimately.  I felt a touch of jealousy over that but that wasn't what disturbed me about her presence.  Just seeing her, it made me miss Terry and it seemed so terribly unfair she'd gotten to have a little reunion with Lachlan, her first since Manila, and I hadn't gotten to have something similar with Terry.

My Charlie.  God, I missed him.  We seemed to have the world's worst luck when it came to connecting.  First the disaster in Manila....and then later, it seemed every time we found each other online, fate intervened.  First it was his connection, booting him off every two minutes.  The next time it was mine, my messages got through but his didn't.  The time after that Lachlan walked in the door just as things between terry and I were heating up nicely.  We'd had a phone call or two as well, but it just wasn't the same as touching him.  And the last time we'd talked, we were both too caught up in our own feelings about Temple week to discuss anything else.

Still, in between all of that, we'd managed to have a few conversations that hadn't been cut off prematurely and it was those special moments that made me miss him all the more.  I was glad when Uma blew back out again because she took my thoughts of Lachlan and Terry with her, which allowed me to once again lose myself in my painting.

I looked at John.  He was looking at me too.  I smiled at him.  "Why are you looking for the Hurricane?"  I took a sip of my wine and nibbled on a cracker.  "Hot date?" I teased, hoping that wasn't the case but knowing it probably was.  He didn't answer.  He just gave me that smile he has.  Cocky.  A bit arrogant.  He reminded me of Terry... without the edge.

He just kissed my hand, turned and sauntered off in that way he has.  Not even a word of goodbye.  Too bad.  I'd have enjoyed spending the afternoon with him.  I couldn't help but smile at his retreating back and then I frowned.  Well, crap.  He was gone and I hadn't gotten the chance to ask him if he'd ever found an answer to my portal question.  I just shrugged and picked up my brush.  I don't suppose it would matter even if he had.  God knows I'd probably never understand one of his explanations anyway.  With a wistful smile and a long sigh, I closed the door to my room and got back to work.

FRIDAY  

East.  The Harvest Festival.  God, what fun.  I felt so alive, so connected to the earth and its rhythms.  A time to sow.  A time to reap.  A time to give thanks and a time for quiet reflection.  It was just the kind of wild cathartic afternoon I needed after witnessing what went on at the Mother Tree during Lachlan's little stag night.  He's no angel, you know.  I knew he wasn't even before I saw that redhead lead him inside the house.  God, how that stabbed at my heart.  I suppose it would have driven some women to want to retaliate by spreading their legs for all of creation to get back at him.  But for me?  All it made me want to do was crawl into a dark hole and hide. 

I put on a happy face for everyone on Thursday but that's all it was.  A mask.  I mean, I trusted Lachlan and he'd told me that from the moment he'd become my Number One that he would never again sleep with a woman who wasn't a Sister... but I also know what I saw.  I may be old-fashioned and simple, but I'm not naïve.  Lachlan hated the idea of Temple week.  Coming on the heels of our recent union, it must have seemed the worst slap in the face. 

I know what it is about Temple week that was bothering the Number Ones.  They are all alphas and it rankled for them to have to share their women with the betas.  I also think biology also had something to do with it.  Men are hardwired to accept the idea of one man having multiple female partners.  It's a mating strategy that has worked to propagate the human species for thousands of years.  Women, on the other hand, are hardwired differently.  We are predisposed to choosing a single powerful partner.  A male we know will protect and provide for us and any offspring we might have.  Even though mating strategies and offspring aren't something we have to worry about in this World, it doesn't negate thousands of years of human evolution.

To be blunt, men see a fundamental flaw when a woman has multiple partners.  And God knows, that's all they think we're here for this week.  One big fuckfest.  There are social aspects of it too that I knew they wouldn't like.  And then there is simply the physicality of it all.  Bottom line?  Sex is different for men and women.  At first glance, that statement just kind of makes you go, "Well, no shit, Sherlock," but really, it's true.

Put simply, men are built to penetrate and women are built to receive.  There is a mindset that comes along with that.  One is fundamentally more proactive than the other.  And the truth is, they just don't like the idea of us receiving other men into the bodies that they feel belong to them.  They can accept one, possibly even two.  Grudgingly.  Come on, Sisters.  There isn't a Number One among us who waves flags and gets out the welcome wagon when we have a visitor.  But they do accept it. 

Temple week is entirely different.  They know it.  We know it.  And I'm not at all surprised that it hasn't gone over well.  Lachlan was so wound up about it he couldn't even fly me here.  He never once raised his voice to me about it, in fact, he flatly refused to discuss it at all once he'd made it clear that he disapproved.  But instead of arguing, he'd simply flown the coop.  Literally.

There were no harsh words between us, but I felt the hurt in him the last time we'd made love.  It was tender and loving, but also bittersweet.  And with all that floating around in his head, I knew what happened on stag night would have tempted him, both physically and emotionally.  Lachlan has a nasty temper and the fact that it hadn't blown before he left made him more than ripe for it.  He was a loose cannon and I knew it.

All of that was weighing heavily on my mind when I ran into East late on Friday night.  He was sitting on the bench by the lake.  He had his guitar with him, but it was sitting untouched against the trunk of a nearby tree.  His booted foot was propped up on the bench and his eyes were closed.  He looked tired.  Actually, he looked like he'd been ridden hard and put up wet.  Little wonder.  I think I was the only Sister who hadn't spent some time with him yet.  He was young and strong, but even he had limits.  We Sisters are an insatiable lot. 

He smiled when he saw me, but I also saw a flash of 'Oh, God, not again!" in his eyes before he could hide it from me.  All of us had been joking about him before we'd arrived.  East.  The young stud, the virile horseman we all wanted to ride....with.  Things of that nature.  I felt a bit ashamed in that moment.  I'm sure he enjoyed all the attention lavished upon him this week, but I think there was a part of him that wanted to be more than just... well, a good hard roll in the hay, I guess.  Not that he wasn't, but surely he couldn't help but feel that way a little.  Nobody but Ann had asked for him in months and we suddenly all show up and then he finds himself... well, ridden into the ground is probably an apt enough a description. 

He greeted me softly, a low murmur that fit in so beautifully with the stillness of the night.  "Evening, love."  I noticed he still gave me an appreciative look even though it was clear he was beyond tired.  How funny men are.  He was giving off two distinct vibes, the first was pride that he'd obviously been one of the favorites this week.  Everyone had sought him out at one point or another.  But there was also a hint of something darker.  Bit of 'so what'll it be, honey?  Midnight ride?  Dip in the creek?  Trip to the stable?'

In spite of my own darker musings, I laughed.  So, I was a point of pride, was I?  The Brother who took us all on and lived to tell about it?  I liked him immediately.  He grinned, a little shamefacedly that I'd read that in his countenance, but he was an easygoing sort.  He just shook his head in amusement and pulled me down next to him.  What was even funnier was that I hadn't come here looking for him at all.  I thought I'd be able to be alone with my thoughts here.  I should have known that this bench was someone else's secret hideaway.   

I flashed him a cheeky smile.  "Had it a bit rough, have you?"

He chuckled quietly at my teasing and tugged gently on my ponytail.  "Just tell me you don't fancy the stable, love.  The scratchy horse blankets and piles of straw have bloody well worn me raw."  I guessed his butt wasn't the only thing that had been worn raw this week, but I was too much of a lady to say so.  He must have read it in my face though because he grinned wider and said, "That too."  Of course, I didn't have much room to talk.  The marks Dino left still hadn't faded. 

I looked over at East.  Despite all his teasing, there was a quietness about him that I very much liked.  I hadn't come out here looking for him and I certainly wasn't in the mood for lovemaking, but I was enjoying spending time in his company.  I shrugged, chucking caution in the wind and told him as much.  That was really the bottom line anyway.  I wasn't the sort of person who fell into bed with men she didn't know, Brother or not.  There was a flash of something in his eyes.  Affronted pride, perhaps?  Who could really tell?  For all his simplicity, East was a hard man to read. 

I wanted to get to know him better so that when I did ask him for a visit, it wouldn't be awkward.  I told him that too and the quiet smile on his got bigger.  I giggled and stuck my tongue out at him as I crossed my fingers over my heart.  "And no stables, I promise."

His laughter rumbled deep in his chest.  "It's a deal."  We talked for a while, nothing too deep, really, just the usual getting to know you banter.  I lay down on the bench and rested my head on his leg while we talked, looking up at the starry sky above while he played with my hair.  His touch was gentle but sure.  Something in the way he touched me made me aware he'd be an incredibly sensual lover.     

Still, I think even if I had been in the mood and he hadn't been saddle sore, I would have been hesitant about sharing an intimate evening with him that night.  I love my Sisters to death, but I really didn't want to be the last in a long line of successive lovers.  That was a bit unseemly, even for this week of supposed abandon.  All things looked different with time and distance, however.  We'd have our time together, it just wouldn't happen until I could look at him and not imagine one of my Sisters astride his hips. 

We passed the night companionably.  I had hoped I'd get to dance with him as he'd danced that afternoon with Grace, but I was also realistic.  We were both tired.  Not only that, but I was aware what had made that dance so memorable was the fact that it had not only followed a moment of intimacy but that he'd looked upon her with both love and desire.  East would never look upon me with that kind of love and honestly, I didn't want him to.  There was truly only one man I ever wanted to look at me that way.  And it wasn't East. 

Looking back, I'm glad he didn't dance with me.  Some wishes are best left ungranted.  Instead, we talked until we couldn't stay awake any longer and then walked back to his room and slept, curled around each other like puppies in a pile.  He woke me at first light with a soft kiss, and I giggled sleepily into his pillow as he whispered to me about how the crack of dawn was the only time he could get any actual chores done.  Of course, he also said he smiled the whole time he was doing them because the stable now held good memories at every turn.  I had no doubt of that. 

He kissed me one last time, brushed my hair back from my face and tucked the covers up over me before he slipped silently out the door.

SATURDAY 

Egan found me in the kitchen a little while later, sipping coffee and picking at a pastry.  I was staring off into space and thinking about how our time here was almost over.  It's like that feeling you have at the end of vacation, not quite believing it's over and yet excited about getting back home, back to the rhythms of regular life.  Back to Lachlan. 

"G'day, love."  He gave me a soft kiss on the cheek and I returned it happily.  I didn't know him well first hand, but Lachlan did and that made me feel closer to him because he'd told me a lot about Egan, including some stories about the crazy stunts they'd pulled.  Now, Lachlan?  He's the devil's own.  I'm sure he liked a good prank long before he became a pilot.  And Egan?  He's a quiet one, but something tells me he's got no problems keeping up with the likes of Lach. 

And, of course, there was also the long chat I'd had with Egan earlier in the week....  Sex with chess, isn't that right, Sisters?  Looking at Egan as his eyes twinkled at me over the counter, I couldn't wait to play.

So, what happened?  Well, I'm sure most of you either saw or heard the commotion we made that morning.  Egan made this great, wild growl that startled poor Arthur into dropping his teacup and he rushed me, grabbing me up and tossing me over his shoulder.  I shrieked of course, and he swatted my butt with a loud crack as he carried me through the sunroom and up the stairs, grinning like a wild man.  We made a short detour through my room and then locked ourselves away in his room for a few hours.  And, yes, that ungodly yell he made later was my name, the loudest yet by far. 

No doubt they heard that at the Mother Tree.  Something I'd not considered when I started this little game, but there really wasn't much I could do about it after the fact, now could I?  Of course, appearances are not always what they seem and I am never one to take a prize unfairly.  So, the truth, Sisters?  I cheated. 

Big time.

I know some of you might think I spoiled all the fun, but when I chatted with Egan early in the week, I gave the game away.  Told him straight up that there was a contest to see who could get him to yell the loudest.  Now, I'm usually the LAST one to tell a secret of any sort, but I didn't want him finding out later and thinking the only reason any of us had been with him during the week was because of some silly contest.  He just shook his head at me and grinned.  And then he told me half the Number Ones had already emailed him and that he'd known about our little contest almost from the first moment we'd spoken of it. 

Was that right?  Well, that just got the wheels turning....  I made him a proposition.  He accepted.  He put on a wonderful show, of course, but what actually happened in his room was this:  We talked.  We had a bit of a snog on his couch.  He taught me how to play chess.  I gave him a painting of the horse he'd never been able to capture and in return, he shouted my name loud enough to wake the dead.

Now, I know very well it doesn't count.  But it Egan said the painting was definitely worth the price of hoarse throat and I sure enjoyed the looks on everyone's face as I skipped down the stairs with a little bounce in my step and a naughty twinkle in my eye.  So, I guess you can add another tally to the list of rules I've broken this week... but if my Sisters have taught me anything it's that sometimes it's just so good to be bad.

SUNDAY

Back to confession.  Three men.  Three stories.  No sex.  Well, I did say sex with chess, so I bet you're wondering where the sex part comes in.  Aside from some snogging and a bit of lingual love I shared with a Brother who shall remain unnamed, the first time it happened was over the phone with Lachlan on Monday.  Talk about burning up the phone lines.  He should charge by the minute.  I suppose that's breaking another rule, but honestly, I just don't care.  That was the night of my hen party.  A night to celebrate (in raucous Perve World style) my union with Lachlan.  Do you really think I would have taken another man to my bed that night? 

And the second (well, and third and forth) times?  Those were all with Dino.  Why him?  Well, to be perfectly honest, even inside the Game, I'm simply not the kind of person who can fall into bed with someone I don't know.  I made many wonderful connections with many of the Brothers here this week, but I have history with Dino.  I like him, and more importantly, I trust him.  I needed to be with someone I knew and who knew me.  It's just that simple.  And to tell the truth, spending time with him came with its own set of delicate issues and a girl can only pile her plate so high, you know?

Well, Diary.  I told you I'd share my secrets with you and I have, save for one, which brings me back to the sin I must confess.  I have committed the Sin of omission.  I withheld from my Sisters, and from Lachlan, one mighty big secret. 

I did not want to come to Temple week. 

It isn't that I don't want to get to know the Brothers who live here.  I've spent my entire week doing that and enjoyed every minute of it.  And I was looking forward to getting to chat with my beloved Sisters, but I cannot, will not, give up who I am for this Game.  Everything happens in its own time.  It just happens my time is slower than most.  I think that is because I am constantly stopping to savor the journey, because I cannot defeat my own biology, and because we all must find our own path in this Game and walking mine any other way makes me feel cheap. 

I also think a large part of it is that I'm selfish.  Sex is always better for me when I truly know the man in my bed.  It makes the experience, fuller, richer to know the mind inside the body.  Even when it comes to fantasy, my Sisters tease me about being slow.  And that is true, to a point.  To them, I know I must seem shy or hesitant or even cold at times.  Sometimes I think they must think I'm trying to cling to some moral high ground or that I disapprove of sex for sex's sake, which is not the case at all.  I think I just lack the ability to explain that once I know the ins and outs of the path I'm walking and have learned where all the obstacles are positioned, I feel completely free to fling myself down it with utterly reckless abandon.  (Are you listening, Jack?)      

So, there you have it, Diary.  This Game?  Sometimes I think I'm not suited to playing it.  And God knows, I will never understand it.  I have spent my days flirting and laughing with other men and my nights sleeping in sheets that still carried Lachlan's scent and longing for the comfort of his embrace. 

When I joined the Game, I was told that I had been called for a reason and that my quest was to discover why... but the more time I spend in this World, the more time I wonder if for me, it isn't the answer that's so important, but the journey I had to make to find it.