"Wakie, wakie, love. Your fave nerd's here."

It was a low rumble of a voice in my ear. Deeply masculine and sensuously threatening. I came to instantly, heart racing, panic coursing, hoping to all hell that this was another of my vivid dreams.

The hand clamped over my mouth didn't help. Nor did the instant iron band of Hando's arm around my waist when I came clawing up from sleep and tried to get away.

"Hey, hey, there. Little spitfire, eh? Like always. Tha's what I love about you most, Annie."

This wasn't happening. I was out of the game. Basically, anyway. Since the day before this.

If it wasn't happening, it was a good imitation of reality. I could feel him breathing on the back of my neck. I could feel him adjusting his body behind me, hitching himself back against my struggling form. I could smell him. And ... what was this? ... I could feel myself relaxing into this reality and remembering I'd never really had anything to fear from him.

Except everything was different now, wasn't it? He was no longer bound to his commitment to me as a member of the group.

He loosened his hold on my waist but never took his hand from my mouth. Gave me his soft purr that seemed to heighten my awareness of his hard edges: "Good girl. Everything better now? Surprised you, huh, love? Ah, that's right. Can't ever fool me. But I remember what a noisy cunt you can be so let's keep this between us just now, eh, love?"

I willed my heart to slow. Reclaimed my fear and shoved it away. Began to think about this. I had had a visit scheduled with Hando but wasn't it reasonable to believe that it had been made null and void the moment I was drummed out of the group?

Okay, okay. Drummed out isn't the right way to phrase that. I'd resigned yesterday; all that was left was some silly ritual that would take place via email this morning to formally remove me from the family of people who knew of the men's existence. It would have happened yesterday but I had been told to take on one last night to sleep on it. Control freaks to the end, eh?

Sleep? I hadn't thought I'd even closed my eyes but I must have been deep in dreamland for Hando to have been able to surprise me that way. I was sure of only one thing - it was beyond anything I was prepared for ... to be with him without the safety net of being a part of the group.

Put my hand on his hand covering my mouth. Tried to drag it down so I could talk to him. But he gave me this little laugh and kind of shook my head so I'd stop. Tried to mumble to him behind his hand so he'd know I just wanted to talk to him. But I knew it was a losing proposition. He thought this was just fun and games with me.

I felt him shift again and then he pulled me with him as he rolled over onto his back. I found myself in what seemed such an awkward position; thrashed about a bit because I sensed it was just what he wanted. He loved his ability to calm me when I struggled with him. Flat out atop his hard body and looking up at the ceiling; feeling his cock like a living creature between us; his hand still clamped to my mouth and his other hand ... Oh sweet Lord. Hando!

Not at all surprised when his fingers stroked rudely about my sex. If I hadn't been wet before, for some reason, just the movement of his hand and knowing where it was going to end up made me feel an instant flush of liquid warmth between my legs.

"Happy to have Hando here at last, Annie? Been too fucking long. Y'been needing me, haven't you?"

Thought I'd lose it when he began slowly undulating under me; I could feel what he most wanted me to be in awe of. He whispered crudely in my ear; telling me he had what I needed and how he planned to give it to me. For some reason, this seemed ... normal. God, what is about Hando? It takes moments with him to make me want him in the worst possible way.

I clutched for my will to give in; swallowed down any concerns; let my head drop back on his shoulder. Stopped fighting him. He gave me these cooing noises to show me his approval.

Was this even allowed? Could I have sex with any of the men any more since I wasn't one of their group?

Okay, okay, strange things are bound to go through your mind at times like this. The instant it occurred to me that quite obviously, sex was possible even if not permissible, I knew I wanted it from him. I moaned in supplication and his answer was a long lick up the side of my neck. Followed by a deep sucking kiss just below my ear.

Honestly? I didn't give a shit anymore about the group. But Hando and me ... we'd always clicked on some level. Not sure why. Once, when he caught me at a vulnerable moment on an IM session, I'd told him I thought it was because we were both at heart outsiders who weren't ever sure if we wanted in or out of the very group we were withholding ourselves from, whether by choice or not.

More honesty? Sure, why not. Hando was a pure and unadulterated sex god to me. I'd lusted after him before joining the group; he was among the first men to come to see me. I'd never lost that feeling of carnal desire for him; we talked more often than anyone in the group had ever known. His voice turned me to liquid when he called me; his IM sessions with me were so hot that just seeing his window open up on my screen could make me nearly come. And yet ... it wasn't just about sex with us. I'm being brutally honest here. Neither of us understood it; neither of us cared to understand it.

He'd loosened within me a woman I had carefully hidden away for too many years; he was the bad boy my mother warned me about; he was the reincarnation of the bad boy I'd once learned dark lessons from  ... minus the lies and the pretense.

For him, I was an outlet ... just hard enough to enjoy him and just soft enough to be a woman who'd hear him as he struggled in our world. He told me things that I know he never told others because all I ever did was listen; I never thought I had the answers for him. Like this thing he's been doing since he's been back with Teener.

No, not that. I mean the thing with him watching her with the other men. The way he is concerned because he says he feels no real jealousy when he's watching her; I think he does it because he's mesmerized by her and the woman she shows to the other men. I've never told him that; nor have I told him that I also think it's because he honestly is afraid that if he loves her like he wants, like his entire body and soul wants to, that he will not have enough anger to hold onto the place he has carved for himself in the world at large. Lurking there, just under the surface, is the answer he seeks. I wonder when he'll find it?

We never, ever held our pasts against each other. He told me during that one visit we'd had that I was a bad girl who'd gone wrong and that someday, I'd return to form. I told him recently that he was too smart not to learn how to be the man Teener needed while not losing the man he needed to be for himself to enjoy it.

Yet, through it all ... through all the emails and IM's we'd engaged in ... we never seemed to make it more than it was between us. We might have had the most honest relationship in the entire group.

It was exactly what he'd said once to me: no strings, just flesh.

All either of us wanted was to enjoy the attraction. Just explore and have no expectations it would mean anything significant. Not love, not that special relationship ... a physical experience between consenting and realistic adults who read each other's psyches without blinders.

So there we were ... not really struggling against each other ... more like we were struggling to get our bodies aligned so we could do what we'd been promising each other in heated IMs. His hand left from messing with my throbbing clit and I almost sobbed because I'd been so close.

And then I did sob. Choking down at the feel of the sex god blessing me with the first hard inches of his consecrated cock. Arched my back and took him in deeper. He bent his knees between my open thighs and gained purchase to thrust slowly up into me. Somehow, in this precarious joining, we were letting go with each other.

Behind his hand, I was already so loud. My mouth open and my voice free because it was captured. But then, I felt him sliding that hand away and before it could leave me completely, I sucked in on his fingers.

"Fuck me," he moaned against my ear. I arched my neck as he began pumping two of his fingers into my mouth and we imitated what he was doing to me below. Like giving his hand a blow job.

He began driving so hard into me and I bucked to respond to his thrusts. In so hard, out so abruptly. Pausing like he was gathering up his power to jolt me even harder the next time. Grunting with the effort and daring me with obscene language to take what he was giving me. Feeling his power and reveling in the in and out movements. Dear God. In. Out. In. Out. So good. On and on. Spreading me. Filling me. Again and again. Faster. Harder. Please.

Feeling fingers against my clit, I sobbed out my defeat and came with a blinding long roll of white heat. Coming again long minutes later when he did, his choked hoarse voice lifting my name up and cursing the way I nursed his coming for my own benefit.

I felt caught ... aftershocks immobilizing me ... his delicate words giving me a sense of suspended reality. Until I could sink back under the prison of his arms holding me steady.

And just as suddenly as it began, he moved me off his softening cock and pushed me back to lie atop the mattress. His arms and legs came around me, cuddling me into him as he curled up around me.

A few murmurs of approval later and he was out. 

My heart hammered, hammered, slowed, eased, calmed. I put my arm atop his and rested in his embrace. Nothing seemed to bother me anymore.

Morning came with startling clarity.

"Must be wonderful being so young and virile," I muttered as he woke me with a morning hard-on. Got that Hando chuckle, the one so lascivious it always made me shy. At least this time, I was able to watch his face as he came. At least in this position, he had no choice but to give in and kiss me like he should as I came for him.

We showered together after; I made him breakfast and chuckled at his still somewhat-lacking table manners. When he lit up, I broached the subject.

"I guess you didn't get the word," I told him. "I'm not in the group anymore."

Told him all about it because I could tell by his expression that this truly was news. But he looked away from me when he asked why I'd resigned. I was plain in my explanation; with Hando, I'd never needed to be more than that. No flowers, just reality. But no feeling sorry for myself, either.

Those eyes, studying me like I was hiding something critical. Then a shrug. "Don't matter to me none. Got what I wanted."

"Why, thank you, sweetie. You just do my old ego so much good. Does that mean you'll be on your way before I pull the trigger on this charade?"

His hand captured my wrist and drug me onto his lap. "I'll be on my way when I've finished with you, spitfire."

"This could mean trouble for you, Hando."

I love when he laughs like that. This slow, evil sound of something approaching mirth. 

"So how'd it work? I mean, I can still see you. You're still here. So this doesn't have to change a thing between us. Does it?" he asked me. Trying to act as if he didn't really care and, for some reason, that touched me.

"Well, actually, I have to log on this morning. They've got some rite to perform and they wouldn't do it til this morning. So I guess, officially, I'm a member of the group until then. Y'know, I might as well get it over with now."

He wandered back in when I sat reading the message on my computer a few minutes later. My finger was poised to follow the instructions. But when he came in the room, I suddenly realized I wasn't sure what would happen.

"I think maybe you should leave, go drive home to Teener, before I do this. I don't know if this just means I don't have access online to all of you or if something more significant happens when I do this," I told him.

"Don't be a daft cunt. You just won't have access to the on-line site, that's all. What else could it be? C'mon, get it done and over so we can go spend some time in the Quarter like you promised me. Go on, love. Whatcha gotta do?"

I looked at the screen. "There's a hotlink. I press it, follow the instructions, and it takes effect."

He giggled. "Whooo. Sounds all mystical. Pure fucking crap. Oi, they're all wankers, the lot of 'em. Just do it and be the rebel of the group, Annie. C'mon. Do it. Then let's take off and have some fun on our own."

"I don't know, Hando. I don't want to take any chances with you being here. Now, don't think I'm soft on you or anything, but I would hate to have you get hurt somehow in all this. What if ..."

His finger pressed mine down on the mouse to click on the hotlink. We both watched the screen that came up. Read it over. All I had to do was click on the red button instead of the green button and I'd be gone. Hando and I looked at each other. I felt empty inside. On the brink. Sure of what I was doing but still a bit shell-shocked over knowing it had to happen. It didn't make it any easier.

His mouth at my ear as he knelt next to me. His hand still over mine as I was holding the mouse. "Do it, Annie. You can do it. C'mon, girl. Want to see what happens. Not afraid, are you? That's not the little spitfire I know. You don't need this shit. Do it. Here, I'll help."

"No!" I pulled my hand away and turned toward him. His eyes were so soft. God. I loved his eyes like that. "Don't. Just ... Damn you. You're the last one I'll see. Please ... just hold me for a moment. Do it just because I need this from you, Hando. Please?"

"Having a change of heart, love?" he whispered to me, his voice so like raw silk that I thought I could feel it coursing across my skin. He let me crawl down into his arms and hold on to him. "C'mon. I'll stay. Either way. Long as you want me to. Even if you decide to leave the group, I'll come back to see ya every so often. We can keep this just between us."

"Hando. I'm going. I am. And when I do, I won't see you anymore, either. It has to be a complete break or it means nothing. I know you understand."

"Then give me a slobbery kiss before you do it. But I'm still gonna fuck ya good and proper after you click the fucking button. Spoil you for any other man, love."

It made me laugh. I kissed him long, hard and wet. Felt the rightness of the decision in the finality of that kiss. Then sat in my chair, looked at the screen and with a deep breath, I clicked on the designated button on the screen.

An immediate reaction. Like this rushing sound and the air flushing through me. A slight, very slight, sense of dizziness and then I blinked and looked at the computer terminal. The screen that had been there from Isobel was gone.

"Wow. That was weird, wasn't it, Hando?" I said quietly. "Hando?"

Turned to look at him.

He was gone. As if he'd just disappeared.

"Oh, very funny, asshole. Stop kidding ..." My instant reaction was to think he was having fun with me, that in the space of time it took for the screen to fade away from my terminal, he'd hidden from me. I searched all through the house because I just didn't want to believe that ... No. It had to be something else going on.

In my bedroom, I stopped and looked around. Something was wrong. And then I got it. I hadn't tripped over his suitcase that he'd carried in and plopped at the foot of my bed.

He wasn't there. As if he'd never been.

Was it possible? I sat on my bed and thought about what this meant. I'd always ignored the implications but now I had to face them. Was that other world a place apart or was it just a group of men and women aware of each other's existence? I mean, we'd moved around with people not apart of our arrangement so we existed in the real world. Right?

God. He was gone. Poof. Like he'd never existed. Like this ritual had transported him away from me.

My head hurt. I got up to go get some ibuprofen and got this odd feeling that things were out of place. I looked one way. Then the other.

Almost stopped breathing when I realized what it was.

All of Jack's belongings. All those little things always here signifying that he shared this place with me. Cologne. Books. Mementos. Trinkets. All evidence he'd lived here ... gone. I opened the bureau where his clothes were. Gone. I ran to the closet where his other clothes hung, so neat and proper. Gone.

The frame he'd given me that held the photo of our time at the Mardi Gras ball. Gone. Touched my wrist; the delicate diamond bracelet Terry had given me. Gone. Around my neck, the gold and diamond heart from Jack. Gone.

Where the fuck am I, I thought in a panic. Every single thing I'd kept as memories of the men I'd met in that group. Fucking gone!

It was like I'd never even lived all those months. Those great months of finding myself in those men. Those incredible months of learning myself in new friends. Gone.

All gone.

This isn't possible, I kept thinking, letting it run in my brain like an endless mantra. It didn't help still my raging worries about what this meant. My lip was trembling and I could feel water brimming. I ran back to the computer and took long, calming breathes. Called up my email and ... every man in the group was gone from the address book.

And the date ... it was ... all so wrong. Oh, God. I had to tell someone; someone had to help me figure out what had just happened.

I sent an email to the group's home address. I don't know why I thought it would work. I just had some kind of blind faith that I hadn't dreamed it all up and that there had to still be some final connection. And sure enough, I got an email in return. I was emotional but I was also realistic.

So now I know.

The email just really said that I'd gotten my wish. I was no longer in the group, no longer a part of that world.

I emailed back. There was something I didn't understand. I mean, I could get that part ... the part about not being a part of the group anymore. But the rest of it? It was like it had never happened if you looked at the evidence around me. Well, the lack of evidence that I'd ever met any of those men. And the date? How could it be that the date was months earlier ... that it was the very date when I'd first met Terry, first officially joined this group?

Think about that, the return email said.

I did. And that's when the real reality occurred to me.

Because this was exactly like what happened to the men when they slipped through their portals to take up their old lives at some point before they entered this other world where I had met them.

My God. My veins felt like they were filled with water so icy that it could not quite pump through them.

I wrote one simple line by return email: "I am through a portal?"

The return was equally succinct: "A secret revealed. Did you never think about how you actually came into that world?"

And this was when it seemed so obvious. I couldn't believe that not a one of us had ever realized that before. Of course the women had also come into that other world through portals. We must have each left our real worlds and gone into that other one just like the men had.

And I'd been returned to my world. Returned to it on the very date I had left it ... the day I'd met Terry in that hotel bar in the Quarter. In my real world, where I was just then, I had never left. I was sent back to the moment my life had veered off to enter that other world.

But back there, back in that other world, they would remember me. My life had happened there. Those people I'd loved there, they'd remember the love I'd given them. Wouldn't they? Oh, it would be too cruel if they didn't. It'd have all been for nothing if they didn't remember that I was gone from them; lost by my own choice.

My email beeped at me. I opened it up. A final message: "Live your life, Ann. Be at peace. Be assured you existed here. Each of us was called to this world, this reality, for a reason. There is something about each of us that forms the reason we were chosen for this. You will be missed. You will be remembered."

Secrets. I'd come into that world, that other reality, carrying my share of secrets. I came away with more. And now, I had one that would haunt me.

It never even occurred to me that I had a portal. I looked at my hands. And wondered if they were mine or if mine were ... Was this me? Or was the real me back there? Had the months really not happened?

If they hadn't happened, then why was my heart still broken? If my world was back as it should have been, then why was I so lost in it?

But it's done now. And no regrets; it's the way it was meant to be.

Freedom. I had it. And that's it.

No more strings. Just my own flesh.