JACK

It is my extreme honor to make this report concerning the voyage to engage in diplomatic relations with the natives of His Majesty's possession, the British Virgin Islands.

Allow me, my Lords, to first express my deepest condolences to have learned that a sizable portion of the land claimed many years ago for the Crown in these waters has been lost to the United States of America sometime within the past half century. It wearies my soul to find that this upstart nation forced my native country to sign a treaty turning over such magnificent islands as are now known as the American Virgin Islands. While I understand that this ceding of His Majesty's lands took place some years ago, I believe I can state with some degree of confidence that it would take only a reasonable number of ships of the line to reclaim these islands for the Crown. It would be my honor and my duty to lend whatever assistance I could and I would pray that you would consider me at your disposal in any Naval engagement. Now that I find myself living within the borders of these United States, I am indeed in a most fortuitous position to be of such service to His Majesty.

But I digress, my Lords, and I will tarry no longer in acquainting you with the results of this current diplomatic mission to the British Virgin Islands.

Per the sealed orders I received upon first launching the ship, this mission was conducted in full accord with the consultation of Dr. Stephen Maturin. By your leave, what follows is a fair reporting of the encounters, trials and accomplishments made during this mission.

Day 1; June 8th       

Position

 
Road Town, Tortola
Latitude: 18.4167 N     Longitude: 64.6167 W

 

Supplies

Oversaw the loading of the following supplies: 30 cases of gin, 20 cases of vodka, 20 cases of red wine, 30 cases of white wine, 50 cases of rum, 10 cases of Madeira, 10 cases of Scotch, 40 cases of beer. Full mess supplies of meat, fish, fowl, vegetables, fruit, seasonings, dairy products were accomplished under the supervision of Steward Preserved Killick and Dr. Maturin. Dr. Maturin wished me to note that he advised the passengers that the daily ration of citrus fruits to fight scurvy would not be solely limited to the garnishes to be used in their tropical drink concoctions. Dr. Maturin's medical supplies, in addition to his normal potions and potable soup, also included treatments for expected vigorous physical pursuits.

 

Official Activities

Distribution and storage of rations were overseen by Killick, who is to be commended for persevering in the face of concerted efforts of disruption by several passengers. It pains me no end to have been forced to place the esteemed Miss Uma on report for willful interference in Killick's attempts to place adequate supplies within the bar storage areas. Dr. Maturin was dispatched to calm the situation and he reported success was only achieved when Miss Uma was granted leave to have three able-bodied seamen transport a personal supply of gin, tonic and limes to her stateroom. There was a modicum of bottled beer also engaged in the same stateroom's stock. All other cabin stocking proceeded as planned. However, the boat's required fire drill was interrupted for approximately ten minutes as I was required to acquaint the honorable Mr. Hando that the proper means of address to any representative of His Majesty's Navy was neither "Fat Bastard" nor "Fucking Old Goat." Later that afternoon, I engaged Mr. John in discussion of the unwise and unsafe nature of his attempts to fire hockey pucks down the length of the main deck. Finally, it took only a minor discussion with General Maximus to explain that Naval tradition did not allow his leave to join me in pacing along the Captain's right of way on the quarterdeck.

We dispensed with the normal 'man overboard' drill for the crew. Indeed, it proved unnecessary as an opportunity presented itself to conduct an actual, fully engaged 'woman overboard' maneuver. In the course of this event, I managed to reach the woman in question, Miss Uma, most easily. She is a sprite of a woman and was most eager to allow me the honor of pulling her back to the ship. However, even a woman of her high spirits was frightened to find herself in such peril and I am certain it was only this fright which caused her to mistake a certain, shall we say, rogering part of my anatomy for a safe handhold. Mind you, My Lords, I did not chastise the lady for I am, above all, a gentleman.

 

Personal Engagements

After personally overseeing the storing of major supplies and materials for the voyage, I turned over to the esteemed Dr. Maturin the final loading of the passengers and their personal belongings at the dock. This afforded me the opportunity to make an official visit as a representative of His Majesty to a major outpost of British culture in this city before we set sail for our two-week voyage. Pusser's Rum indeed was a most fortuitous call. The nationals posted to this location were so very good as to have educated me on the local customs in consumption of rum. It was an in-depth lesson I must say went down prodigious well. My companion, Miss Ann, was a most gifted guide to the local culture. Later that evening, I commended her most heartily on His Majesty's behalf for her assistance in this important matter.

That evening, it was my extreme pleasure to host a dinner for the passengers. I wish to make an official commendation of the lovely and talented ladies for coordinating this evening's meal and entertainment. I wish to also make note of the wise choice of dress by most of the lady guests for this auspicious occasion. However, an honor for grace under fire must be bestowed to the respected Mr. Thorne for having the forbearance to escort his lady, Miss Uma, to the formal dinner even in the face of her obvious misunderstanding of the recommended dress code for such functions.

Day 2, June 9th        

Position

Anegada
Latitude: 18.7167 North     Longitude: 62.3833 West

 

Official Activities

The first official morning swim began with a dismal showing, I am humbled to admit. Save for my companion, Miss Ann, I had no other of the ladies join me. That morning at breakfast, I am afraid I became a bit abrupt in reminding them that the swimming sessions were being conducted at their request and that I would desist in the ritual and healthy practice of exercising in nature's mode if a more robust number of ladies did not roust themselves in the morrow.

After a most arduous day, I was pleased to have completely re-mastered the rigging of the ship's sails. A sorrier piece of seamanship I had not seen in many years. For all love, Bonden was as appalled as I was at the state of affairs. For shame. We could scarce hide our embarrassment as the captains of other ships passing us must surely have noted the disgraceful and inefficient position of the sails. I must say, My Lords, I sorely missed having an able Master that day to thrump some discipline in the crew. Getting them fired up to follow the instructions without loss of a moment was trying. Mr. Bonden was forced to place several of them on report; I shall not conduct flogging on the lubbers, however, for the charming ladies induced me to give the crew another chance to show me of what they are made. After seven hours of toil, I am most pleased to report that the sails are now rigged in fine Naval fashion. I expect the heaving of the log on the morrow to reflect a most prodigious increase in speed.

 

Personal Engagements

I make the following report in my personal section as I do not wish to have an official reprimand go on the record of either my companion, Miss Ann, or the illustrious Officer White. Suffice it to say, My Lords, that a situation of grave diplomatic consequences was mitigated most successfully when the two passengers in questions made most prettily done apologies to the local authorities for a rather disgraceful act of mayhem. I note only in passing that the dainty Miss Uma suffered yet another mishap; however, Officer White acquitted himself most handily in assisting me as we retrieved her from the water after the unfortunate lady once again found herself floundering overboard.

Day 3, June 10th        

Position

At sea
Noon Latitude: 18.6218     Noon Longitude: 63.1851

 

Supplies

Killick has reported a most alarming drop in the liquor supplies. I have asked him to mount an investigation; I suspect members of the crew may be engaged in what we used to call the Purser's Rights but which I would, in this instance, refer to as black-marketing.

 

Official Activities

This day was spent entirely under sail and what a glorious canvas we spread. As anticipated, we gained at least one knot of speed. The crew is most pleased with this result and I believe I may be so bold as to report the makings of a happy ship. The passengers, on the other hand, are quite another matter. I was forced to consider rigging for punishment, My Lords, as a most serious infraction occurred.

At approximately 22:12 hours, I received a report of 'man overboard' and the crew swiftly began accepted maneuvers to retrieve the unfortunate Mr. Cort. Upon investigation, I learned that passengers Mr. Hando, General Maximus, Officer White and Mr. Thorne were the culprits in a decidedly dangerous infraction of tossing said Mr. Cort over the railing. After ascertaining that Mr. Cort was in the good care of the charming ladies, I conducted an interrogation of the miscreants. Once I established order with these men, I proceeded to read them the appropriate Articles of War to impress upon them the expected conduct of gentlemen aboard a ship under my command. I made particular note to them of Article Twenty-three, reading to them of how it forbids quarreling and fighting between shipmates.

May I say, my Lords, a more inglorious display of stupidity, childishness and dishonor I have never witnessed in all my years at sea.

 

Personal Engagements

Allow me to give only the briefest report of the amusing concert of the charming ladies in this night. Suffice it to say that the spirited and ingenious activities would have done any ship of the line great pride on those nights in which we put on performances for visiting officials and other ships. However, I dare say we might have had to choose a bit more decorous costumes for the young gentlemen who would have taken the female roles lest we would have enticed a few of the more, shall we say, lecherous of the sea daddies.

And, in this night, I was taught new skills by my companion, the enticing Miss Ann, who required a bit of personal disciplinary action by my own hand. 

Day 4, June 11th       

Position

Bitter End Yacht Harbor, Virgin Gorda
Latitude: 18.5000 N     Longitude: 63.3500 W

 

Official Activities

It is with such pleasure that I report that four of the ladies joined me for the morning's nude swimming exercise. I gave each of them the heartiest of congratulations on your behalf, my Lords. However, I was forced later to place one of these dear ladies and a male guest on official notice when Killick reported to me that they had violated Article Two of the Articles of War. I determined that flogging or cut in rations were not appropriate punishments for this twosome, as they seemed honestly unaware that said Article specifically condemns profane oaths as well as scandalous actions aboard the ship. I shall skip the official report of the specific activities this pair was engaged in when Killick was forced to witness their actions, but suffice it to say, it was carnal and of the most corrupting of manners.

 

Personal Engagements

A most pleasant day was passed in leisure with my companion, Miss Ann. It was an educational outing, my Lords, in which she acquainted me with the various names of creatures of the sea as well as a most unexpected astronomy lesson. Extraordinarily effective teaching methods, may I add. We explored The Baths in great detail and I am pleased to report that this portion of His Majesty's lands are in the most wondrous shape. I had the most pleasant opportunity to reward Miss Ann for her skillful methods and seductive perseverance in reaching her goal.

Day 5, June 12th

Position

Unchanged

 

Supplies

Killick accomplished an unexpected replenishment of the following supplies to be mainly stored in Miss Uma's stateroom and the forward bar at which she most often engages in the ordering of sustaining fluids: 10 cases of gin, 5 cases of red wine, 2 cases of white wine, 3 cases of rum, 4 cases of beer.

 

Official Activities

On this day, we allowed the good crew to have a make and mend day. It was necessary for me to invite the spirited and utterly delicious Miss Teener to use this day as one ashore. It seems her activities in walking to and fro among the crew, who were attempting to do their fine needlework out on the deck, was causing many of the men to experience sharp pains. Dr. Maturin reported to me that he patched up at least fifteen thumbs; the injuries were caused by wayward needles poked into said thumbs when the sailors lost concentration as they attempted to avert their eyes from Miss Teener's fine ankles. It appeared that this was just the thing - once Miss Teener was safely away from the ship, there were no further reports of such injuries.

For the morning swim exercise, I was delighted to have been joined by five of the ladies. Again, commendations were handed all around on your behalf, my Lords. All good ladies reported being quite pleased with the handling, if I may be so bold as to add.

Dr. Maturin gave me a confidential briefing late that afternoon. You will find the full report, entitled "Heather," in a separate coded attachment that Dr. Maturin begs you will deliver to Sir Joseph posthaste. I believe he will fully brief the other gentlemen and ladies in our party of the report's contents upon the conclusion of the journey.

 

Personal Engagements

I joined the illustrious Mr. John for a day of exploring the bounties of Virgin Gorda. We made quite a showing at the Bitter End, a most noble outpost of British merchantman culture.

Again, I beg your indulgence by reporting within this personal section a most, shall we say, delicate matter. Killick has informed me that he has reason to believe the adventurous Miss Uma may have been enticed by the playful Mr. Jeff and the indulgent Mr. Paul to violate Article Two; he also believes he has evidence that Article Twenty-Nine may have been violated and that my sweet though sometimes unwise Miss Uma may have been a witness. However, upon consulting with Dr. Maturin, it is my belief that it is Killick who must be reprimanded and advised of the seriousness of making such spurious charges. I considered allowing Miss Uma to use the cat on the old goat, but Dr. Maturin has stayed my hand.

On a far happier note, I was engaged to show one of the ladies a few of the more complicated knots that I have learned and employed as a member of His Majesty's Navy. As a reward for this service, the lady granted me a most fond wish. But, I digress, my Lords, and I am sure you do not wish for me to write a full description of the lady's fine bosom.

Day 6, June 13th

Position

Unchanged

 

Official Activities

This morning's swim exercise included only four of the ladies. May it be noted that Miss Teener was excused from the event after presenting me with a valid bribe ... er, explanation for her absence. However, I plan to engage Miss Uma in a discussion of the need to join in this wholesome activity as she has so far been the lone lady not to attend to this morning ritual.

In fact, I believe Miss Uma could use engaging in any activity in which she might forge better relationships with her shipmates of the female persuasion. It appears the ladies may be employing quite unfeminine methods against poor Miss Uma. I was gravely shaken by the day's near tragedy, which began as a misunderstanding of the dear girl's wit. My own companion, Miss Ann, had a most unflattering fit of temper and joined with Miss Teener in demonstrating their displeasure in Miss Uma's choice of artistic impression. I speak of near tragedy, my Lords, and it is this: if not for the courageous actions of the swift Mr. Thorne, we might very well have lost our dear Miss Uma to drowning when her two companion caused her to be launched over the railing and into the sea. Never have I had to deliver a sterner chastising to a more wondrous duo of women, but it was my unfortunate duty to do so.

This was by far the most serious breech of discipline, but it was not the only one. I fear, my Lords, that what had seemed such a promising happy ship was beginning to show signs of a darker mood. Among other infractions, one of the luscious ladies reported to Dr. Maturin that Killick had asked her to climb the rigging and the dear woman insists the old goat made this request for the scandalous reason of seeing what she might or might not have been wearing under her scrap of a skirt. In addition, the devious Miss Uma made an official complaint against Killick, accusing him of misappropriating more of her clothing. Upon confronting Killick with the charges, I was forced to clap him into irons in the galley. However, I released him once my sweet Miss Ann and my adored Miss Teener begged most prettily to let him be released. My Lords, even the sternest Captain is not made of such fiber to resist the entreaties of two such ladies, as I am sure you would agree.

The final insult of the day was delivered by the tempestuous Mr. Dino. He had the audacity to report late to the ship and caused me to miss the proper tide. Again, I found it necessary to quote the appropriate Articles of War, and while I pride myself on having picked up a fair knowledge of the American English, I found myself certain that his words in reply must have been an insult. It was only later that Miss Bou explained what he'd meant by "up yours"; my Lords, it shames me to say Mr. Dino was not proposing the toast to His Majesty that I assumed he was. I shall take this up with him at a later date, be assured.

 

Personal Engagements

Allow me just a personal note of reflection on the remarkable abilities of Miss Teener to avoid punishment. She has a most ... shall we say ... effective methodology. When I confronted her with the fact that she had not reported for the morning swim, she apologized with full frontal nudity. My Lords! I am only a man. I have manly drives. Need I say more?

In the evening, I conducted a most welcome joint exercise with our guests. Thanks to Miss Ann, Mr. Paul and Mr. Jeff, we arranged a scientific study of the various types of rum available on the island of Tortola. After we polished off ... er, rather, after we investigated the contents of the eight bottles, it was decided that the charms of rum were not lost on any of us, save that rascal Officer White, who insisted on calling it "piss water." Dr. Maturin went to great lengths to explain that such material was not a part of the normal fermenting process ... however, I went to even greater lengths to catch the saucy Miss Teener into a most inebriated session of kissing.

A curious event that night deserves only the briefest mention. My companion, Miss Ann, seemed a bit distant in our personal relationship. Much of my time with her that night was spent in answering questions regarding the hours Dr. Maturin and I spent seeing to the brave Miss Uma's needs that morning.

Day 7, June14th        

Position

Goat Island
Latitude: 18.2338 N     Longitude: 64.2912 W

 

Official Activities

A most effective day of sailing brought us smartly to our chosen mooring. While the island did not seem initially promising, Dr. Maturin was enthusiastic in his desire to begin exploring. I dispatched Bonden to accompany him on his initial pursuits. It proved to be a wise choice as he was able to save my particular friend from almost certain injury when the good doctor stumbled into a thorn bush in his avid pursuit of yet another lizard for his growing collection.

Killick assisted me in restoring the owner's generator to efficient working order. I received a most welcome reward from Miss Ann for this accomplishment, as she impressed upon me that the generator was necessary for the evening's festivities. Killick was chagrined that his afternoon's work did not receive a similar reward from Miss Uma; he had been led to believe by that lady that she would bestow certain charms upon Killick if he was able to bring a most noble shine to the bar owner's rusty old canon that was used to hail arriving ships of state.

However, I am pleased to report that for the first time of the voyage, Miss Uma joined her female companions in our morning naked swimming exercise. While I was handing out the now ritual praise upon completion of the exercise, the curious Miss Uma investigated my rogering segment yet again; and yet again I was required to explain to her that it was most definitely not a life preserver. I must commend the honorable Miss Bou for coming to my assistance in this situation.

 

Personal Engagements

The evening was spent in a most welcome pursuit of frivolity. There were also the most delicious and inspiring victuals presented by the island's proprietor. Following the wonderful native meal, we were treated to entertaining dancing; the ladies limboing in a glorious display of some heretofore hidden physical talents; and several other riotous pursuits of pure merriment.

It is with the greatest honor that I acquaint my Lords that this King's servant rose to the challenge of my brothers. Indeed, in a competition of the highest order, I "kicked ass." Forgive me, my Lords, I invoke that bit of colonial slang to impart that I was able to defeat the General of the Armies of the North in the arm-wrestling contest. I had several inducements to aid my determination. One was the knowledge that the very honor of our service hung in the balance, for the General, Maximus, chose unwisely to disparage the strength and manliness of the Navy. The other inducement was the knowledge that a most valuable prize was at stake.

In keeping with Article Ten, I endeavored to take all necessary steps to win the prize. However, I must say that although Article Nine does appear to outlaw the stripping of clothes of any officer aboard the prize, it makes no clear mention of stripping the prize itself. And, my Lords, what if the prize strips herself? May I simply state that I considered it my duty as a representative of His Majesty to accept the prize's surrender with care, gentleness and respect. Indeed, I made the most valiant of efforts to demonstrate to the prize that capture of the heart is most often a two-way street between a man and a woman.

Day 8, June 15th 

Position

Norman Island, The Caves
Latitude: 18.1899 N     Longitude: 64.3747

 

Supplies

Most unexpectantly, Killick was pressed to locate and restock the following supplies, again for Miss Uma's stateroom and the forward bar (Note to the Medical Board: Dr. Maturin will file a separate report on his study of the inestimable Miss Uma's ability to continue her normal activities unabated by the prodigious amounts of liquor she seems to consume. May I further note how impressed I have been at this slight woman's ability to simply drink my arse under the table at every turn?): 10 cases of gin, 5 cases of red wine, 2 cases of white wine, 3 cases of rum, 2 cases of beer. To be fair to Miss Uma, it has come to my attention that the beer is possibly being consumed by her companion, Mr. Thorne.

 

Official Activities

Another most auspicious morning as I was joined in the morning swim exercise by every lady aboard! I gave the heartiest of congratulations to all the fair ladies; indeed, this portion of the morning took some time as some of the ladies asked me to repeat my congratulations several times. In this, I was only too happy to oblige, considering it not only an extreme honor, but a most serious duty as an officer.

However, the ladies were most displeased by the sight that greeted them upon dislodging themselves from my hands ... er, removing ourselves from the ocean. There, flying from the rear lines, was a most curious set of signal flags. Of course, I was astounded to find that the flags in question were actually a set of dainties from each of the ladies. I have asked Dr. Maturin to investigate so that we may find the culprit and bestow the appropriate penalty, which in this case is to be administered by the Sisters. As an aside, my Lords, I may note that whoever rigged these signal flags made a most curious statement, and in accomplishing this signal, must assuredly be someone with an advanced knowledge of naval semaphores. The message read thus: Don't get your knickers in a twist.

 

Personal Engagements

Indeed, speaking of unfortunate messages, it was a most dastardly message that greeted me upon checking my electronic mail system that morning. I was in a most foul mood to learn that the devious Miss Uma had led me down a threadbare path. This formerly-delightful girl had caused it to be known to me that she believed the charms of my lips were above all others; however, I was to learn along with my other brothers that hell knows no vulture as a lying woman. Er ... no, that is not quite the thing. Rather, it is hell for a man to be played as a puppet with a violin's bow. No, no, that is not the thing either. Damnation. Damn her lying eyes! It has me all ahoo.

My attempts to convey the depths of my affection for the truthful Miss Ann met with curious limits in the night. Indeed, it appeared that many of the women professed mysterious ailments complete with headaches and languor. It was not until the morrow when I was able to entice my companion to favor me with a bit of just the thing. And then only when I told her, most sincerely and on bended knee, that of course there was never any intent on my part to supplant my belief in her with a belief in the veracity of that lying female, Miss Uma. Be it ever known, hell indeed has no fury like a pissed off Miss Ann. However, I took my punishment like a man and earned a stay in the sentence for my courage.

Day 9; June 16th

Position

Guana Island
Latitude: 18.2944 N     Longitude: 64.3488 W

 

Official Activities

For this day's swim exercise, I was enchanted to be joined by four delightful ladies. My concern at one of the most regular attendee's absence was laid to rest when I chanced upon her outside the wine cellar. She joined me in exploring that chamber's secrets and it was thus I learned that she carries the ability for fury in a similar, though not quite so vehement, fashion as my lovely companion. Having learned my lesson well, I initiated corrective maneuvers and was favored with a reward for my abject begging ... er ... correctly worded apology.

This day brought us to a most fair port. I was pleased at the ship's return to a truly happy state. Indeed, all passengers seemed intent on relishing their time upon these fertile shores. A most agreeable day led to an even more agreeable night. I shall reserve further comment on the night's activities under my personal section.

I make a recommendation for full commendation to Bonden for the supreme effort he initiated in this morning for getting this ship up to more appropriate naval standards of cleanliness. Indeed, it did my heart such good to hear the unmistakable sound of holystones being employed by the crew to scrub down the deck. It made it simple to ignore the sound of grumbling from the lubbers among the crew who felt their normal methods of cleaning the ship were being called into question by the industrious Mr. Bonden. It took only a bit of straightforward talking to the crew to quiet them. Miss Ann claims that even the crew in the furthest hold and the highest rigging were treated to the sound of my voice, and she tells me my message was most clearly given.

 

Personal Engagements

We made our trip to shore swiftly; Miss Ann was eager to stroll with me upon the verdant grounds of this idyll of an island. Indeed, I found that much good was made of this time as there were still a few points I wished to make with her concerning the depth of my affection and the height of my passion for her. I was most pleased with the results.

Finding myself still in the flush of this accomplishment, we joined the others for the late meal. As the sun set, we were witnesses to that rare and not wholly welcome sailor's vision known as the Green Flash. From that moment on, it seemed to me, curious happenings were afoot. I was not unhappy to find that the delectable Miss Uma shared my drive to rediscover the affectionate regard we hold for each other. We enticed each other. Indeed, we enticed to such a degree that we found the meeting of a Man O' War with a Hurricane might have done unprecedented glory to that island paradise. She is a most spectacular woman, Miss Uma. We shared a most spectacular time together.

Would that my normal companion had chosen a wiser route that evening. I dare not chastise Miss Ann for not taking the opportunity to forgive the wayward Mr. Thorne his transgressions. After all, I believe I have already mentioned that crossing Miss Ann was not currently among my favored activities? In any event, I had some hopes that she might have learned this lesson from our own travails: forgiveness is a gift for both the giver and the receiver. When we spoke of her evening's activities, I thought to have reminded her how very much I myself regretted taking so very long to forgive her in our still recent troubles, but found this would not have been just the thing at that particular time. Nonetheless, she has been true to her promise to me to be ladylike and polite in her treatment of Mr. Thorne to this point in the voyage.

Day 10, June 17th        

Position

Unchanged

 

Official Activities

This morning's swim had a most pitiful showing. Indeed, I was disheartened to find that only Miss Ann accompanied me to the designated beach. On the other hand, her attempts to raise my spirits were most welcome. And most successful, if I may be so bold as to add.

Just after breakfast, I sent for Bonden and Killick to oversee a crew of swabbers in repairing the unfortunate damage done to the island's spa the night before. It is sometimes just the right thing to be in a position to command men to do one's bidding in making such things right. My only regret is that the loquacious Miss Uma seemed to find great sport to be made in acquainting all and sundry to the actual reasons for the repair work underway in the spa. I informed her later that the sign she caused to be placed on the building's entryway during the re-construction efforts by the crew was most surely not in keeping with the spirit of the night. Indeed, the sign in question, Erection by Jack Aubrey, was only removed after most of our passengers had viewed it.

Following the evening's meal, Dr. Maturin bade me to join him for a private meeting. It was there that I learned the identity of the culprit who made signal flags of each of the women's dainties. It was none other than the clever Mr. Thorne. However, I was required by my duty to inform Mr. Thorne, in no uncertain terms, that his actions were a clear violation of Article Thirty, which condemns any act of robbery. When he informed me that most of the dainties in question were not stolen, but given to him as tokens of affection, I noted to him that he was still in violation of Article Twenty. This article, I explained to him, forbids contemptuous behavior to a superior officer. And as I made abundantly clear, the ladies were inarguably his superior officers. Mr. Thorne made an apology on the spot. However, Mr. Thorne seemed a bit more amused than remorseful. I have asked Dr. Maturin to have a discreet word with him and if that will not do, I shall be forced to have him pay the ultimate penalty: face the ladies. This punishment I would not lightly enact on any man and I pray I will not be forced to do so in this instance.

 

Personal Engagements

The majority of my daylight hours were spent in the company of the commanding Miss Bou. She had a most unexpected and intriguing mission with which she required my assistance. I was, naturally, duty-bound to accompany her and to do all within my power to see to the success of her mission. After a strenuous round of rowing one of the resort's small dinghies to a sheltered cove, we set about filling her chosen container with the cleanest, purest water we could find. I have been on many water-collecting trips in my voyages with His Majesty's Navy. But this one affected me in a most singular fashion. Perhaps it was also the promise Miss Bou made me to engage in a further activity to reward me for assisting her in the search for the water. I dare not say more than this: while our morning swimming exercises are done in the natural mode, it was in this particular afternoon's swimming session that I enjoyed a bit of playful lessons in making such swimming sessions open to only two people. Need I say more?

Day 11; June 18th

Position

Jost Van Dyke
Latitude: 18.2530 N     Longitude: 64.4512 W

 

Supplies

Killick has reported that the island's supply of liquor has been exhausted and I was forced to take Miss Uma in hand on a personal basis to explain to her that she must moderate the intake of liquor until we make landfall in the morrow on the bigger island of Tortola. Pray show forbearance, my Lords, by not forcing me to report her chosen method of communicating her displeasure to Killick for his inability to locate adequate stores to meet her needs. However, she is somewhat mollified that he was able to locate the following: 2 cases of gin and 1 case of beer.

 

Official Activities

What curious wind was blowing that morning upon rising, I know not. However, that the day was to be a bit odd was demonstrated by the fact that the first lady to arrive for the morning's swim exercise was the spritely Miss Uma. Indeed, we were deep in discussion on the merits of early rising by the time the others arrived to join us. And in that morning, I was pleased to enjoy the attention ... er ... company of all but one of the ladies. Upon investigating, I found that sole miscreant lady's only reason for not joining us was the hopes that I might have some discipline in mind to correct her wayward attitude. Indeed. I chose not to discipline in that day; no, I chose the rock and stick method. No, that is not quite the words I meant. I believe it might have been that I meant to say the carrot and shamrock method. No, that is not it, either. In any event, I simply kissed the lustful wench soundly enough to be rewarded with her promise to join the swim in the morrow.

However, I was roused from this delightful activity by the roars of Bonden. It appeared that his crew of holystoners had discovered a most inglorious, disrespectful, horrible act of vandalism had been inflicted on our noble vessel. Bonden took me out in the dinghy to see the damage. Imagine my supreme anger to see that the ship's delightful name, Calypso, had been removed and the ship had been re-christened as the HMS Shagalot. Oh, my Lords, it pains me to report this matter to you. I dispatched Dr. Maturin and the ingenious Mr. Dino on the most delicate and important of missions to determine if this ignominy was inflicted upon our vessel by roving pirates or, painfully, by our own passengers or crew. It is surely not even possible for you to perceive my disappointment to learn that it was the painted Mr. Hando and the fallen Miss Bou who were the culprits. It was with a most heavy heart that I was forced to inflict penalty on this duo; indeed, they spent the rest of the day chipping the offense away and repairing the ship's fine work to its past glory.

 

Personal Engagements

In my supreme anger, it was impossible for me to remain aboard the ship that day to supervise the punishment aforementioned. I left it to Killick to oversee. I am quite pleased to report that my companion, Miss Ann, made it her sacred duty to cajole me into a much better mood. Although it took not much more than a few whispered endearments to me to accomplish this, I endeavored to pretend that I needed further care from my lady. She has most delightful hands with which to ... ahem. Perhaps, even in my private section, it is not fit to report what her hands were doing. Oh. Ah ha ha ha ha! I have been most clever. "In my private section," indeed. Yes, most assuredly, her hands spent some time in my private section. Ah ha ha ha! I must remember to tell Stephen of this witty remark of mine. He will be so pleased and impressed for he does so love my way with such witticisms.

And for her efforts, I rewarded Miss Ann by accompanying her to a most glorious native bar. The dear girl did not alert me to the proprietor's propensity to make up a little ditty for each new arrival. We had only just taken our seats and I was just finished making my order for a proper lunch, when the gentleman in question took up his guitar and entertained us with a most witty tune. Let me see if I can remember his words:

 

Here comes our sea-faring King,
Whose word every sailor relies on.
He never did a foolish thing
And never refused a wench.
So come join with me and sing
Life ain't all skittles and beer.
He'd never be caught suff'ring
For he takes his pleasure to heart.

 

What a delightful man. And just to prove him right, I may report that I never refused any wench I saw upon my return to the ship. Indeed. I granted requested favors to all who wished to play the wench for me. Oh, my, indeed, I have been remiss. I did not have it in my heart to refuse Miss Ann's requests, either. In fact, I imposed upon her to grant me a few delightful requests of my own.

Day 12, June 19th        

Position

Noon Latitude: 18.3312     Noon Longitude: 45.6033

 

Official Activities

In this our final full day of sailing upon the open waters of this tropical archipelago, a most unexpected lassitude seemed to invade the passengers. I noted the state of affairs early in that morning as it seemed to take quite a prodigious amount of time to interest myself in rising from the warmth and delights of my companion's arms. By the time I finally rose to greet the day, I feared there might have been a few of the ladies impatiently waiting for me to begin our swimming exercise. However, this final day of such pleasures found only three stalwart ladies present. I must confess to a curious lack of energy to even investigate why the other ladies were not present.

Indeed, Dr. Maturin took note of the state of affairs at lunch. However, not a single passenger took up his offer of blue pills all around. Mr. Bonden and myself were called upon to restrain the tempestuous Mr. Hando who took some notable exception to the good doctor's further suggestion that some of the men could do with a restorative enema.

Even when Dr. Maturin's unwise actions later in the day caused an accidental release of an assortment of his live specimens, I found it difficult to rise to the challenge of rounding up the lizards, snakes, goat, snails, flamingo and ... did I say snakes? My Lords, excuse me for a brief moment while I just check around and ... Oh, my! I must be away to investigate the most horrid shrieking emanating from one of the staterooms.

 

Personal Engagements

Somehow, I should really have known that it would be the ingenious Mr. Jeff who would come up with the solution to the feelings of boredom that had invaded our darling passengers. A most spirited game of which I had not been familiar ensued: Spin The Bottle. What a treasure!

And speaking of treasures ... I could not have been more fortunate in my escort for this merriment. Indeed, her charms are such that I was simply swept away by the moments. Before I escorted her to our assignation, I stole a moment to give a vigorous briefing to Bonden. I informed him that, upon pain of death, I was not to be disturbed in that night for anything short of armed engagement by the French or by an imminent invasion by pirates. It will please my Lords as much as it pleased me that no such disruptions occurred in the night. Ah, the charms of a woman can soothe the savage breast. And more than that, my Lords, I will not say.

Day 13, June 20th

Position

Soper's Hole, Tortola
Latitude: 18.3833     Longitude: 64.7000 W

 

Supplies

Killick attempted to resign today in the face of Miss Uma's decision to hire her own supply clerk to fill her expected final needs for liquor. I have read him the Articles of War and reminded him that Article Fifteen calls for death as the punishment for any deserter of any ship of the line whilst engaged with the enemy. The man has taken this lesson to heart; indeed, he actually smiled at the indication I made that engaging in a battle with Miss Uma would entitle any man to extra allotments of prize money because of the high probability of life-threatening injuries.

 

Official Activities

There was no morning swimming exercise as it appeared all the passengers seemed intent on recovering from the night and morning's activities. Indeed, I found myself were among the last on deck to join the others at breakfast.

After getting a report from the messmates about a curious theft of food from the galley that appeared to have occurred sometime in the night, I chose to steal a few moments with the softness of Miss Ann. Indeed, this sweet time was all the more affecting because of the tenderness of our reunion. I was pleased that my examination of her skin revealed no lasting remnants of the night she had spent with that unexpected Mr. Hando.

Immediately following this, I set the crew to the task of preparing the ship for its inspection in the morrow. It is my intent to turn this ship over to its owners in a state that befits any ship made available to His Majesty's Navy.

At lunch, I arranged to fulfill a wish several of the ladies expressed at our last evening meal. I had Bonden beat to quarters and upon the crew and passenger's assembly at battle stations, Bonden led the men in singing "Heart of Oak" for our guests as preparation for their partaking of the meal. Killick then rapped out a spirited "Roast Beef of Old England." For a moment, we old sea dogs were most disturbed by the tears in the eyes of several of the ladies. But we were led to understand that our actions were most appreciated by all the ladies who had read the founding books.

 

Personal Engagements

As I was making a brief tour of the ship to note areas that would need some work before we turned it over in the morrow, Miss Teener imposed upon me to show her the cable tier. I tried to hide an evil smile for this ship had no cable tier. However, as she apparently did not know that, I led her into one of the forward holds and informed her this then was the cable tier. Imagine my surprise when the wench asked me to reenact one of my youthful indiscretions. I could not refuse such an erotic ... er ... fetching request.

In the afternoon, I also indulged my companion, Miss Ann, in a request of her own. She had arranged for a local driver to take us to Smuggler's Cove for a final snorkeling trip. Let me just say, I had no idea I would come to enjoy this form of exercise quite as much as I did on this voyage. Perhaps it was the opportunities it afforded us to simply be together. For sure, there is a beauty in her enjoyment of these waters that gladdened this old heart of mine.

Day 14, June 21st         

Position

Unchanged

 

Supplies

A final accounting of supplies expended is attached under separate cover. Killick has assured me that little in the way of waste of any victual or liquid replenishment happened upon this journey. I myself can certainly ascribe to that notion for never has a King's ship had a finer mess or more hearty nutritional measures taken to ensure all passengers were well-fortified for the vigorous physical activities that occurred on this voyage.

 

Official Activities

This final day of our voyage passed as a whirlwind of activity. Between Bonden and Killick, the crew was pressed to make a good accounting of the ship. By the time the owners came aboard to reclaim possession of their crew and their boat, I was most pleased with the state of affairs. They appeared most impressed and made overtures to us to accept a commission from them. Although it made us all proud that they felt so good-hearted toward us, there was not a chance any of us would have chosen service aboard a merchantman over service aboard His Majesty's Fleet.

While I oversaw the departure of the passengers, Killick and Dr. Maturin supervised the transportation of their baggage to the hotel in which we would spend our final night. A most indecent amount of baggage, I must say. I am still astounded that the ladies, considering how slight their coverings were during the majority of the voyage, would require such prodigious amount of luggage.

That night, we joined together in one final evening's gathering. Dinner at sunset was followed by a ceremony on the beach that was led by Miss Bou. As she bade us each to drink down a solitary glass of wine, which she claimed would make that night hold an additional delight for each of us, she told us the ceremony was about healing and renewal. This special day, do you smoke it, was Summer Solstice and in Miss Bou's spiritual beliefs it holds special significance.

Indeed, I can report that even though I longed for another glass of the delightful potion, I heeded Miss Bou's warning that more would not be just the thing. The bonfire on the beach seemed to bid my mind to wander ... perhaps the rest is best told in my private section.

Long will I remember Miss Bou's words in that night. The ceremony, she made us know, was about healing and renewal but it was also about giving us protection from the dark months again. My Lords, I believe I am no more superstitious than any sailor, despite what Dr. Maturin may have you believe, but those words had a most profound effect on me. I am not sure if they seem to be more a prophecy or if they will indeed be just the protection we may need.

 

Personal Engagements

What I should most like to report on in this section is the wonderful events of the night after drinking the wine and after the hushed ceremony. There came a particular moment, standing before the bonfire, that I felt the wildness of the flames invade my veins. When I looked into my love's eyes, a fire leapt out to me from them. Some spark seemed to fair ignite the air between us. How long it took us to escape to the seclusion of our hotel room, I could not say. But I feared I might burn to ashes before we made it there. A most curious happenstance, assuredly.

And then ... even more curiously, dimensions itself seemed to slow down between us. Where I had wanted nothing more than to satisfy my own fiery lust, there was a transcendent moment in which it simply seemed impossible to touch her. All I could do was see her, watch her, understand the reality that we had been blessed to have found the other. In the end, it was she who touched me. Her fingers cool on my brow; her eyes closed as it seemed she was concentrating on just this simple touch. When her fingers touched my lips, I realized my own hands were mirroring her actions. It was how we loved in that night. Following the other, noting how our touch was received and giving it back in equal measure.

I simply loved her with my body and felt loved with hers as she responded with the gift of showing me what I alone can bring her. But there did come a time when she was in my arms and I could not have held her tighter ... when I wanted nothing more than for her to see the good she does me ... and she looked deep within me and whispered four words to me: "Come for me, beloved." Simple words. I felt it gather within me, the feeling of my love for her, and I wanted nothing more than to show her. It was a shattering moment and I heard the sounds I made in response to what I was feeling. They simply conveyed the intensity of my adoration of this woman in my arms.

I remember nothing until she woke me in the morning. We cleared our fuzzy heads with a bit of a romp that left us both sated. Afterwards, we lost not a minute in leaving the hotel and made it to the airport in ample time to meet our charter. My fear that some of the others might not make it on time was for naught. Thus, we were most unexpectantly able to take off at the appointed hour.

All in all, a most auspicious way to end our voyage. On time, with friends and family, safe within the love we had all confirmed in this time together.

In conclusion, My Lords, I remain your most humble ... and your most satisfied ... servant, etc., etc., etc.

Jn. Aubrey, RN