I watched Hando climb into his Jeep and back out of the driveway. A sensation, as light as a summer breeze, touched me. Like seeing something out of the corner of your eye - it was there, then it was gone. What was it? Milliseconds it was present, yet now I ached for it terribly. So familiar, so precious...

"Ah, there you are - everything apples? All set for the lake?" Jeff, fresh from a shower and carrying our duffle bags, kissed me on the forehead as he walked past.

"Uh, yes! Doctor gave me the green light to travel," I called after him. 

"That's fuckin great, love. We are going to have a nice relaxing holiday. Gonna get you out of this house for a few days, catch up a bit." 

"Let me finish packing, Jeff...I know you wanted to be there before nightfall..."

"You are all packed, I am all packed, the food is all packed..." he rambled on, smiling a toothy grin, obviously very proud of himself. "Git your arse in the truck, I'll get the dog."

"Yessir," I saluted him in a comedy imitation of the mates on Aubrey's boat. 

Jeff was talking a blue streak, very animated and funny. I couldn't bear to tell him that I hadn't listened to a word since we passed Hickory Flat. My thoughts centered on my doctor visits that morning.

Hando, my keeper - in the literal sense - shuttled me to my appointments as he'd been doing for weeks. I think he has learned that being the legal guardian to a crazy person is very time consuming. He hasn't complained...well, for Hando he hasn't complained. There is a difference between bitching and complaining. He bitches all the damn time.

It's the same every week. First to the body doc, then to the noggin doc. I know the name of every nurse and worker on those two floors of the Baptist Medical building. I know where all the fast food joints are in relation to that building. I am tired of that doctor's office smell. The poking and prodding. The "just a quick stick" for blood samples. The neutral "Hmmmms" as the doc reads my chart. No one was surprised when I let out the most redneck "yahoo" I could muster when I was told to report to the cosmetic surgeon's office the next week.

No more pelvic exams. All my remaining parts have healed well. I don't know if I was more excited or if Hando was...his eyes watered a bit as he embraced me in the examination room.

"Hando. I need... Can you... I have some questions... I need to ask..." I felt uncomfortable asking Hando to leave when he had been there at my side through everything. I would be even uneasier asking my questions in his presence.

"Oh...oh - yeah...I'll be by the elevator, k?" He faked a grin and quietly exited.

It must be said that Hando and I have listened to the doctor explain what the collateral effects of a hysterectomy are. They differ from patient to patient. Some women have completely normal sex lives afterwards. There are some women who experience a heightened sensitivity and enjoyment due to the change of depth in the womb. The rest? Frigid. Weekly, the doctor would ask me if I've felt any inclination or arousal, to which the answer was always no. And it wasn't from trying. If I can't get myself going, I sure wasn't gonna be any good to anyone else. I have the best, most vivid imagination of everyone I know. All my deep dark secret fantasies of Hando weren't working for me. Might as well hang a sign on it. "Closed Due to Damage".

"I have to know - but I didn't want to ask in front of him..." I gathered my strength, "What is the prognosis? Will I be able to have normal sexual relations?" I could feel the tears rising, ready to brim over - but was helpless to stop them. I began to sob as I spoke, "How we were - in that way - was.... IS very important to me. I just..." He was kind enough to shush me before I began that hiccup bawling.

"Incredibly enough, Tina - you are a lucky lady. Although a full hysterectomy was performed on you, we were able to repair all the damaged arteries." He was talking greek to me - which must have been evident by the expression on my face.

"Your circulation - your blood flow...arousal..."

"Ohhhhhhh. So? What does that mean?" 

"If I were a betting man, which I am - I would place a 90% chance on you and your fella having normal relations. You have to give your body time to heal, hon." I nodded and accepted the box of tissue he retrieved from the cabinet.

"Not to pry, but how are your counseling sessions going?" 

I gave my standard answer, "Fine." 

His eyes narrowed. "I'm sure you've had your share of medical diagnoses to last a life time, but I'm here to tell you - once you come to terms up here," he lightly tapped my forehead, "things will work themselves out elsewhere."

Later it would occur to me. What the doctor said, is the exact same thing everyone else had been trying to tell me? 

The couch trip was about the same. Still prodding me to make amends with myself over the events that transpired. Asking me off the wall questions, expecting rational answers. I was sick of that office too.

"...and I thought we'd get married and adopt a family of goats."

"Ok. I'm up for that." 

"Teeeen! Where are you? Are my jokes that boring?" He laughed at my now obvious lack of attention. 

I slid across the seat to him and rested my head on his shoulder. It was the first time I initiated a touch from another man since..."Jeff, I'm sorry. Not mad, are ya?"

He squeezed my knee, "How could anyone ever be angry at you, love? Who is our favorite little barefoot sprite? Huh?" Jeff was determined to make me laugh - as he had the entire time he'd been visiting me.

"Dammit! Stop!" I snickered. 

"Thassok love, you may think I'm just a bloody poofta footy player, plumber extraordinaire, but I'm an expert fisherman too." He wiggled his eyebrows. "You just watch. You'll learn a thing or two from ol' Jeffy, you will..."

Try as I might, I couldn't quit giggling to argue with him. 

"Time for a drink, eh? Truck seems to think so. How about that place up the road?" 

I nodded, realizing a coupla Slim Jims and a Mountain Dew sounded mighty fine right about then. 

I strolled around the lot, breathing the crisp mountain air. Marveling at the landscape - so different from the flat lands of home. 

"You and H., you're gonna be alright - you know?" He spoke to me as he filled the truck's tank. 

"What? Where did that come from?" I wrinkled my face at him, as if that was a silly comment. 

"At supper the other night. Watching the two of you. He tries so hard for you, love. Never seen him do that for anyone. He wants so bad to touch you." Jeff lifted his hand to my scarred face, and I flinched away...something that had become instinctive as of late. I wondered if Hando had put him up to this, but decided that was a crazy idea. As if H would use Jeff to get to me. Would he?

"Jeff, I... I can't explain what my problem is right now...why I do that. I see the hurt I place on Hando's face when I can't bring myself to allow him to touch me. It's all I think about."

Jeff's hand came up to my face again, and I bit the inside of my cheek to keep myself from moving. Oh, his touch. I drank it in like it was the first time I'd ever felt it.

He touched his forehead to mine. "One step at a time, right?" 

A tear slipped from my eye as I lowered my head. The automatic shut off of the gas pump startled us both. 

The rest of the trip to the lake was divine. We chewed gum to keep our ears from popping as we made our way up and down the hilly mountainside. We oooed and ahhhed over the beautiful lush forests. I think we stopped at every Antique shop and side of the road vendor. Jeff joked that we should have just rented an RV and made that our holiday. Maybe next time.

I had rented a cabin right on the lake. It wasn't cheap, but I didn't care. Privacy was the name of the game. I didn't want to be among people. Not yet. Jeff was all I needed. Well, him and a nice cold one.

I never could have imagined how perfect the property would be without seeing it. 

It looked as if it were a postcard come to life. Secluded? Hell yes. Forest on all three sides and it faced the lake. The morning sun would shine directly on the front porch. The cabin was all of three rooms. Bedroom, bathroom, and the main room - which was a living room and kitchen area together. I remember staring at the humongous fireplace, hoping it got cold enough at night to enjoy a fire.

"Fuck me, Tina - this is gorgeous." Jeff, always the gentleman, was carrying in all the bags and supplies, refusing to allow me to assist. It was nearly 5pm, so we had plenty of daylight left to walk around and explore.

"Why don't you go put on your swimsuit and head down to the lake, I'll catch up in a bit." 

"No, that's ok...I'll wait."

"Ok, love - I can't wait to test the water." 

I tried to think of any excuse to not go swimming. Jeff paraded onto the porch with his trunks on and a towel wrapped around his waist. 

"What are ya doin? Bump on a log - get up! Get your suit on or I'll toss you in with your togs on!" 

I stared at him. 

"Oh no - no you don't. I don't care how many scars you have. You will go inside and put that bloody suit on or I'll do it for you. None of this today, no ma'am."

"Jeff, I'm serious. I can't do it. Not today." 

"Bullocks. No one can see either of us. All the people are on the other side of the lake. You can't hide forever, love." 

"I'm not joking, Jeff..."

"Neither am I. That is the problem with Hando, he let's you have your way too often. Not on my watch, luvvie. Chop chop. In you go." He hoisted me up, as delicately as a sack of potatoes and marched to the shoreline. I stopped him as he moved to chunk me into the water.

"Okaaaaaaaaaaay! Okayyyyyy. Give me a few minutes." 

Mirrors. When I walked into the bedroom, I scared the bejesus out of myself. 

There was a freaking dresser with a mirror opposite the bed. I hadn't seen my reflection since...since Bou left after her extended visit/babysitting (teenersitting) stint. In a fit of rage, I made piecemeal of all reflective surfaces in my house. Yes, it was one of my finer Hando moments, I admit. But not being subjected to viewing my face and body kept me from focusing on the damage so much, I guess...

The sight of myself still took my breath away. What had I done? The jagged gash on my face was healing, but was still an angry red valley from the corner of my eye to the corner of my mouth. All my bruises were gone.

I began taking of my clothes - my eyes glued to the mirror. What I saw was a road map of healed cuts - every last one of them with a story - a meaning from those days on the run from myself. My arms. My legs. My torso - even my breasts.

No canvas was left unpainted. The tan that I normally kept year around was gone. 

I was so pale, I looked like an anemic hospital patient. My dog even gave my reflection a pitiful look. 

Indeed, it was time to face the music. I was amazed that Jeff would bear to be seen with me. My hair was shaggy - and not in the Teener-cute-shaggy way, either. My hands - my fingernails looked as if I'd been using them to dig my way to China. How could Hando have ever looked me in the eye? What had I become? I didn't want to subject my guest to this appearance any longer. I frantically searched our bags for a hair brush and stole a rubber band from the newspaper I had stuffed in my backpack. How long had my hair been this tangled? I couldn't recall the last time I had really brushed it.

Half an hour later, I had my hair French braided, my fingernails trimmed and clean, and my swimsuit on. I couldn't will my body to leave the safety of the bedroom. My face, the scars on my body...I felt too exposed. Pulling on my favorite flannel shirt and filching one of Jeff's ball caps, I decided I was ready. Uma would be sure to have a stroke if she could see my mis-matched attire. I completed my ensemble with a towel wrapped around my waist.

I must have taken at least an hour. I was surprised that Jeff hadn't given up on me. Perhaps he stealthily checked on my progress while he brought the feast that awaited me down to the beach.

"Nice hat, mate." 

"Thanks, you like? Maybe I can lift one for you too!" 

His eyes studied me - took note of my hair and gave a grin at my ever-present long sleeved shirt. 

"You're gonna fry out here in the heat, love. Why don't you take the shirt off?" 

"What happened to 'one step at a time'?" 

"Fair enough. Can't say I didn't try. You have a beautiful body, I miss seeing it." He pulled his cap off my head. 

"Jeff, don't." I felt like a virgin on her first date. 

"What you don't understand is, I know you. In the biblical sense, yes - but I'm also talking about the tenderness and emotion that you are capable of. When I look at you, that is what I see. I see how you cherish your friends, defending them fiercely. I see how you didn't give a fuck what anyone thought of Hando, you loved him your way - and damn everyone else. When you are with me or any of the brothers, you are with us full stop. You give all of you. Don't you understand? Yes, the changes to your physical appearance are cause for interest to me - I want to know everything about you...about all of the sisters." Jeff traced the scars on my hand. "I'm not staring at you as some sort of oddity, love. None of us will. We are all very concerned about you, please accept it as such."

Jeff paused and allowed his words to sink in. I suppose I had read many things into people's reactions - their looks of pity. The problem was, I had become comfortable in my interpretations. This man was asking me to look at things differently and I didn't think I was ready for that. All things that I thought I knew previous to my break down were gone. All I had were my interpretations.

Maybe they were wrong, but I could count on them. I felt safe in them. Jeff popped open a beer for me and cleared his throat. "I didn't intend for this trip to get so serious this quickly, but while we are here...Teen...we need to talk, er....I need to talk. I need to ask you questions."

I knew what was coming. The subject had been dodged thus far and he was curious - wanting the news straight from the horse's mouth. There had been much tension that Jeff had tried to temper with comedy and jokes. Good ol' Jeff. The best medicine a nutcase could ask for. I silently thanked Hando for helping arrange this. Maybe that skinhead was smarter than I thought. Nah, I think it runs deeper than that. I think it's an inherent trait in this family. They know when it's time to seek the help of another - and they know exactly who to contact.

I girded my courage loins with a couple more beers and began to spill the details - all of them. Beginning to end. There were tears, angry cursing, and silence. I began to wonder if Jeff was really prepared to hear all of this. Unfortunately, I was like a snowball rolling down hill. Once I got started, I couldn't stop.

The mosquitoes chased us inside shortly before dusk. I helped Jeff carry what was left of the feast inside. We changed out of our suits (never did get in the water) and decided to get some rest. Although the past few hours had been stressful for us both, I knew that Jeff would be fast asleep soon and I would begin my nightly insomniac ritual. Pacing the floor. Having silent convos with myself. Reasoning out who I was, why things were the way they were, when I would feel like me again, and so on. Just a typical Teener evening.

With one distinct difference. 

This would be the first night that I didn't have Hando's bed to lie down in. No walking down the street at 2 a.m. No sneaking into his house. No creeping into his bed. No tattooed arms to guard me from the night.

Jeff found me dozing in the oversized rocking chair on the front porch early the next morning. I had nabbed the quilt off the couch inside and decided to watch the sunrise with Hando - even though he was far away. As usual, I drifted into a quiet sleepyland. Never a deep sleep, but just enough to keep me from keeling over in the middle of the day.

I felt a gentle kiss on my head and the smell of tea wafting from the cup he offered me. Jeff yawned and made himself comfortable on the porch steps. 

"Beautiful new day, eh?" 

"Mmm hmm. Sleep ok?" 

"Missed you." 

"Sorry, I...you know...unfamiliar place..." 

"Christ, Teen - why are you apologizing? I'm just picking on you. Miss sleepwalking to Hando's eh?" 

I gave him a surprised look, although I don't know why. I'm sure he rolled over in our bed in the middle of the night back home and noticed me gone. 

"What? What do you think Hando and I chatted about while you were cleaning up the dishes and preparing dessert the other evening? Oh, he really had you goin, didn't he? Something about having dinner with us begrudgingly? Sorry love - he wanted to make sure I was aware of ... a few things...and..."

"Christ." I stood and stomped back into the cabin, slamming the door as hard as 

I could. Again, I had no clue why that angered me so much. Everything either had me in tears or in a rage lately. Chemical imbalance the doc says. Can be regulated with medication. Wonderful. So there I was, realizing that not only did Hando have control of me by legal means - but I was fast losing the remaining control over my emotions. Great. Hando giving the other brothers a head's up about his looney toon woman. Wonder if he packed a straightjacket and a tranquilizer gun for Jeff too.

I didn't hear Jeff enter the bedroom. He startled me out of my inner monologue when I felt his arms encase me. I went completely rigid and tried to pull away.

"Jeff...no. Just leave." 

He didn't move, nor did he respond verbally. Words from my shrink resonated in my head. 

"What scares you the most right now?" he asked. 

"Spiders. Can't stand all those legs and.." 

"Enough with the jokes today. Let's discuss Hando. What scares you most in relation to him?" 

I hated these questions. Too open-ended. How to respond? 

"Losing him. Losing myself." 

"So, physically - nothing about him frightens you?" 

"No." 

"What about any other male friends? Anyone amongst them?" 

I pondered that for awhile. 

"Don't give me the answer that you think I want. Just answer." 

"Physically, no. I do feel - what is the word? Jumpy? around people in general. 

I'm not sure if that is because of my physical condition or...what..." 

"Hmmm." He took notes. Or doodled a picture. I really didn't care which. I just wanted this weekly ordeal to be over. Label me insane. Let me enjoy it in peace.

"How do you feel about yourself today? Aside from any lingering physical pain..." 

Lingering physical pain. Nope, had none of that. Kinda stiff when I sit too long, but that is only because I need to get back in shape. 

"Lost." 

"Lost as in...?" 

A frustrated sigh, "I'm not me, anymore. I'm this other person who I don't know - sometimes don't care to know. I have no direction. I have no past worth remembering. I don't feel the things that I used to feel. I'm...just...numb."

"Sexually? Emotionally?" 

"Both." 

"From what I gathered in our past sessions, you see yourself as a sexually secure and curious person who chooses to express herself in that fashion. Would you agree?

Oh yeah, rub it in my face. WAS a sexually secure person. WAS. "Yes." 

"And your recent surgery has greatly affected that aspect of your life." 

Damn, I didn't know he was Einstein too! "Yes." 

"That is the core issue for you right now. You are afraid that your reduced sex drive will negatively impact your relationships." 

I didn't respond. 

"You must give your body time to heal before you resign yourself to that." 

I squirmed impatiently in my chair. Looking at everything in the office but my doctor. 

"You have come so far, Tina. You are dealing with your childhood and the abuse. 

You are dealing with how that abuse silently impacted you as a consenting adult. 

You have made far more progress than I expected. Have you thought any further about the closure we've been discussing?" 

"No." 

"This is not something I can force you to do. You must desire it on your own. As your physician, I am telling you that it is important over all else to close the book on your past so that you may move forward."

I nodded. 

"I don't have to tell you that your sexual troubles may not be physical issues alone. Stress, mental health, - you know this..." 

"Yes, I know - but it is easier for me to blame my body and myself..." 

"Easier, yes. But you are chasing your tail." 

Chasing my tail. 

Is that what I was doing as Jeff stood holding me? Looking for things to blame for this and that, instead of addressing the problem head on? 

I turned in Jeff's arms and snuggled my face into his bare chest. His hands began to move up and down my back, in a comforting gesture. 

"Let us help you. What is it Hando tells Ann all the time? 'No Strings'? Just accept our concern and our need to assist. We aren't asking for anything in return."

I heard his words thundering in his chest, lulling me into a place of security. 

"Now, unfortunately, I have to cook brekkie so I can show you how a real fisherman catches dinner." He held me tightly to him as tried to wiggle away to slug him on the arm. All I could manage was a play-bite to the chest.

The fishing trip was a draw. We both managed to catch an even number of fish, albeit by different means. All that Jeff could cling to was the memory of "the one that got away".

We pulled the couch out onto the porch where we placed a few mosquito-repelling lamps to keep the critters at bay. Full to the brim with an assortment of fried and grilled fish, hushpuppies and potato salad - topped off with beer, we lounged with a few more beers as we watched the fireflies at play.

The weather was considerably warmer and humid that day, and the heat didn't retreat with the daylight. Jeff was wearing a pair of footy shorts and nothing else. My wardrobe consisted of one of Hando's wife beaters and pair of boxer shorts that Dom had bought for himself, but were too small. I really need to go clothes shopping for myself.

Our chat mostly consisted of Paul and Jeff's feelings about him. It did my heart good to see a knowing smile creep across his face as he talked of his lover. The amount of beer I had consumed did take the edge off my jitters, but I was still very aware of the fact that I was lying next to a brother and was not turned on in the least. I took another gulp of beer.

The more Jeff talked about Paul, the more his hand casually stroked his member through his shorts. Even though I couldn't participate in a way that I was accustomed to, I did want to show my appreciation for the patience and good time he had shown me during his visit.

I tossed down the rest of my liquid courage and interrupted him by placing my hand over his - resting on his cock. 

"Jeff, take it out...I want to help." 

A string of emotions flashed on his face. I don't think he realized he was playing with himself at first, but then he seemed concerned that I thought he was pushing me into it. "Love, no - I don't want to make you feel like..."

"It's true - I'm not feeling anything right now. But I need to start somewhere, right? Take your shorts off. Put my hand where it feels good and let me participate." My eyes had gone glassy with impatient little tears. Jeff immediately realized what it cost me to ask this of him. He placed a gentle chaste kiss on my lips disappeared into the cabin. He returned with a couple of pillows, a blanket, and a tube of lubricant. We rearranged our bodies for maximum comfort. Placing a dollop of lubricant in my left hand, he closed it around his now turgid bolt with his right hand.

"Close your eyes." My lips at his ear, I whispered. "Tell me more about Paul. 

Tell me how he feels. What does he do to you?" 

"Mmmm. I like the way he sucks me off." Jeff's hand was moving mine up and down rhythmically - at the speed and pressure he dictated. His other hand soon found

its way to his balls, squeezing and fondling. 

I nuzzled his ear, pushing him forward to his release. "Tell me about his mouth, 

Jeff. What does it feel like?" 

"Hot, wet - oh his teeth...the thing he does with his teeth on my head..." he panted.

"Does he nip it, Jeff?" I did the same to his ear. 

"Yesssssssssss. Hoh...love...mmmmmmmm."

"Where do you like him best, Jeff? In your mouth? In your ass? Or do you like being in him the most? Tell me Jeff - don't keep secrets from me." 

"Ahhhh. Oh yessss. Right now I want to walk up behind him in our kitchen." 

"What is he wearing, Jeff?" I knew before this was over, my hand would be completely numb. I also knew that this was something I had never done before, and was taking note of how he used my hand...in case...I got my mojo back.

"A towel - nothing else." 

"What about you?" 

"I'm...fuck...I've just come home from footy practice. I'm sweaty and randy as hell."

"Talk to me, Jeff - tell me about it..."

"I pull my shirt over my head, tossing it to the floor. I embrace him from behind - surprising him. I caress his chest and stomach while I nibble on his neck and ear."

"Like this?" I mimic his directions on his body. 

"Bloody.....fuck...yeah. I reach down and feel that he may be in the same mood as I. I turn and grab the lube out of the utility drawer in the kitchen. I remove his towel, and push him forward so that his torso is laying on the table, and his beautiful tight arse is in perfect position."

"That's it, Jeff. Tell me about his ass - what are you gonna do to it?" 

"Grrrrrr....mmmmfph. I spread lube on my fingers and ease one, then two into his throbbing hole. He moans and speaks gently to me, telling me that he wants me to take him now - to hurry. I push my fingers in and out a few times more, to make sure he is ready. I pull myself out of my shorts and...hoh...Christ, Tinaaa..." I had begun licking the inside of his ear.

"Oh, Jeff," I purred, "You are so close. You want to blow that wad inside Paul, don't you. Why not? He's waiting for it. He wants it." 

"Sssssss. I rub lube onto my dick - I am so hard, I can't stand it - it's red, nearly purple. I lift his leg so that it rests on the table, giving me access to his bits. I hold the root of my cock firmly and enter him. OH, he's squeezing me with his hole, love. He's pulling me in. I watch him grab the edge of the table and push his ass towards me. He takes me entirely. All my length. I keep him steady with my hand on his hip - my other massaging his heavy sac."

"All of you Jeff? I find that hard to believe. You are hung like a Clydesdale." 

"FUCK...yeah... He's begging me to root him hard. I pop his leg with my palm and he squeals, heh. He reaches down to jerk himself. It doesn't take him long."

"Oh, Jeff - who would? Any bloke with that up their bung would be sending praise to the gods as loudly as they could." 

"Tiiiiiinaaa - so close....just a few more..."

"Have you decided? Gonna cum in his tight ass or you gonna make him guzzle it down? What's it gonna be, Jeff?" 

His teeth were clenched as he grunted his response out. "Guzzle it Paul....drink meeee." 

Jeff's seed spurted forth in an impressive display. He screamed Paul's name, and muttered mine, over and over as he recovered. Sure enough, I had no feeling in my hand, and wasn't altogether sure that a couple of fingers weren't crushed.

"That was...amazing."

"I'll say!" 

"Huh? Did you feel...anything?"

I almost told him the truth. I didn't want to see the eager look in his eye fall. At the last moment, I lied. I kissed his nose, and shook my head "no". He gathered me to his chest and tried to comfort me. "There is no way that you can't get it back, love. Not someone who is as predisposed to this act as you are."

I was silent. I wanted to enjoy what I shared with Jeff at that moment. 

He dozed for a half hour. My thoughts focused on Hando - miles away - and what I just felt with Jeff. I had last experienced it watching Hando yesterday morning. Backing down the driveway.