March 2nd

He didn't come back all night. I calmed Lily down, tucked her in and she soon dropped off, still sobbing to herself and clutching Mopsy, her favourite doll. I returned to the kitchen and waited with the meal drying out, sipping at a glass of the red wine from the open bottle I had been chambreing. But he did not turn up. By eleven I was becoming seriously anxious; I had been calling his cell for hours but he had switched it off. What was going on?

There only seemed to be one answer. With all the bizarre events of the past few weeks I could only imagine that whatever had made Maximus charge out must be connected to Isobel. Had she called him? Said something? What could she know? She couldn't know about Terry and me...it was impossible - but I had to wonder. And wonder I did. All night long, I lay awake and wondered and got myself more and more into a state of high anxiety.

Finally I got up and sat downstairs in the dark, curled up on a chair by the window and stared out at the night. Please God, don't let some evil hurt us now. Let this be something else. Let this be something else.

Morning came; I took a hot shower, drank a pot of strong expresso and put on a Mum- face for Lily.

"Where's Daddy?" She seemed to have forgotten the night before and his sudden temper.

"At work," I replied. She carried on munching her cereals. 

I waited until nine thirty and then rang his secretary.

I did. Over and over but he wouldn't pick up. In fact it was switched off- very unusual for him in his profession. It was against every directive in the book to be incommunicado. I was even more frantic now, literally tearing out my hair. There was only one thing for it.

 

There was no way that I was happy about this. I did not want to be there with him. Why? Did I fear a repetition? How secure was I really about this man and his affect on me? Was the spell still casting its insidious evil? Or perhaps I ought to admit a few things to myself? Have a reality check?  Shrugging that element of doubt from my mind, I went upstairs with Lily in tow, got myself ready and dressed carefully in a burgundy suit, aware that it set off my dark hair and pale skin. I chose a dark matching shade of lipstick to complete the look and then wondered why I even thought that 'a look' was needed?

Frida bailed me out again with Lily. I had a lunch meeting about my new job- very last minute- could she sit? Just for a few hours? Of course she was delighted, but I did notice her give me a curious look when I walked in. It made me think. Is there a chance that she is actually suspicious of my motives? Or am I simply even more paranoid than ever these days?

It was just after twelve-thirty when I entered the bar at Terry's hotel. He was already seated there and when I entered he jumped up to greet me. I noticed his warm smile of welcome and wondered whether all wives got this when he was delivering bad news.

"Uma, you look great...sit down, glass of wine? White? Let me just get that ordered..." I let him take charge, hurry me along, make decisions. I suddenly felt empty and incapable of action. The tight knot of fear and worry in my stomach was twisting and making me feel sick. I hadn't eaten in almost a day. Wine was probably not a good idea.

The drinks arrived and I picked mine up, knocking it back rather quickly as Terry eased into the subject. "You want lunch? We could move to the restaurant?" I shook my head. "OK...I haven't got anything yet. Sorry, Uma. I've had a trace on him all morning since you rang and something could come in any minute...but, don't worry, it's only a matter of time?"

"Trace? What do you mean, 'trace'?"

He reached out and touched my hand, rubbing it gently. "That's the first step in finding someone. Most people are not trying to hide and if they are, they don't do it very well. I've got a line on his cell account, his credit card action is being monitored and I'm into his emails. I'm sorry, Uma, how else do you think it's done? Shortly he'll make a call or purchase some gas or mail a message and we'll find out where he is..."

I gasped. "That's so invasive! I hate for him to be treated like that!"

Terry shrugged. "It happens all the time. The people doing it have no idea who he is- it's completely anonymous. But, Uma, this is important. If you say he is acting out of character then I can only see it linked some way. Remember- he is also affected by this spell- and he doesn't know..."

"Do you think he suspects?" I blurted out, the nausea making my head swim. Panic was beginning to rise and I had a sudden urge to scream; I could already hear the sound reverberating in my head, making my mind confused and on edge.

This time, Terry moved around to the seat next to me, putting his arm around me. "You're shivering...are you alright? Try to take a few deep breaths. You've got to keep a hold of yourself. Frankly, baby, I don't know what he knows. There is a possibility she's told him something- after all, wasn't that the point? What else would be her game if not to bring him down, punish him for his opposition all along? I don't think she knows what we did- but she knows it's likely- she cast the spell, she gave you the charm. She may have tipped him off anyway. We have to be prepared for that. But, it's her word against ours and he has no reason to doubt us, has he? Whereas she is already 'persona non grata' for him."

He smiled and made a little tilt of his head at the use of the Latin phrase. I gave him a little smile back; he is so adorable- a mixture of straight direct honesty and a little touch of cocky arrogance. Just so completely male.

"...So if she called him with her little poison dart- a guy like him would blow. Find her and make his own little threats- he knows about Cort..."

"...He does?" I said, amazed. Maximus had mentioned nothing of this to me. "How do you know?"

"I fucking told him." Terry grinned and lit a cigarette, leaning back in the chair, clearly working things out. "So, that's where he might be. I hope he isn't. Jack Aubrey has a quick fuse and I don't think he'll try Marriage Guidance Counseling before he goes for the fucking padre with his sabre. But it's as likely an event as anything going on in your head. So take a break. Stop chewing it over. You can't change anything by worrying."

I took one of his cigarettes and he lit it for me. It made me feel worse, but also numbed a part of me. I nodded slowly as he continued. He took my free hand in his; the reassurance of his large warm palm around my cold, trembling fingers was a balm and I felt the first easing off of panic.

"When we find him, we will know. Simple as. And we will find him. He knows some of the ways to conceal himself - but not all. He isn't as sophisticated enough with modern methods of detection. He'll make a mistake any time now and we will have him. And then we will talk. If he knows a little then he may have to know all. Do you see that?"

I did not answer, he went on:

"There are other possibilities. This could be connected to his career and nothing to do with us. Does he tell you details of what he does? Most of it is in the public domain, I know, but some of it will be highly secret and dangerous. I have a feeling he would not share that with you."

"He rarely says anything. You know Maximus." I replied wanly and took another deep drag. So I was to console myself that he might be involved in some dangerous government security alert? That made me feel so much better.

"Uma, there's one other potential explanation that you may not have thought of. This is gonna hurt you, love, but we have to face it. Almost everyone we know has developed an interest in another Brother's partner- and most of those have been consummated. Why should Maximus be immune? Might he not be the most at risk?"

"What? You think he might have had an affair? My God...that's insane...you don't know Max- he just isn't like that!" But as I said the words, I knew they weren't true. It would be very easy for him to do such a thing once the spell loosened his determination not to offend. That's all it was to him. Offence. Not immorality. Not infidelity. Just something that makes his wife upset.

Terry slipped an arm around my waist and pulled me close, placing a soft kiss on the top of my forehead. "I'm not like that either, love, and look what we did!" I looked up at him and caught the expression on his face; it was wistful.

"You think he was with a woman last night? That he would walk out on me and go to another woman's bed? Walk out on Lily just because another woman called him- no way!"

Terry shrugged. "I don't mean that he was screwing around last night. Maybe someone called him with a problem of their own. Like you called me...how was he to explain that?"

"Work...crisis...I don't know...not simply disappear. Anyway, what woman? How can he be having an affair with one of the Premieres? He hardly knows them..."

"He knows them better than you think. I told you he has seen Ann a couple of times recently? Tell you about that, did he?" Terry snapped that out and I realized that he was speaking through gritted teeth. This wasn't easy for him to accept either.

"Ann? ANN? He's still meeting Ann?"

"Calm down...nothing more apart from what I told you and I don't know how far it went. Maybe nowhere. She told me about it innocently enough...but he might be prepared to help her if she asks. Can I ask you a personal question?"

I lay my head on his shoulder, my heart pounding and the tension mounting again. Max and Ann? I felt sick again. "Yeah....personal? Jesus...what don't you know about me and my life already? More than I do clearly..."

He made a slight chuffing sound. "You said things were all right now with you and Max...what did you mean? About the job? The baby? Sex?" He threw that last one in after a slight pause. My head shot up. "So, you've had some sexual problems then?"

"I...for a while there...Christ, I can't say this..." I mumbled.

"Then let me say it for you. Maximus has had some erectile dysfunction? So have I. Not with you, of course - but with my wife. Neat spell, hey? Or maybe guilt has its numbing effect? Who knows?"

"So you think he may have been seeing Ann and that somehow makes this all right?" I asked him sharply.

"No, of course I don't mean that! But, we may have to tell him a few home truths and it will soften the blow if he is also being tied in knots by this mumbo jumbo. That's all...you think I find it easy to imagine my wife and your...well, you know...?" He looked embarrassed, hurt even. It still hurts even if you have done the same yourself. We are such irrational hypocrites, aren't we?

"I can't tell him. He would never accept it. You don't understand...he would forgive you...he could understand himself...but his woman...with another man...Terry, he has another code. He puts me on a pedestal...but if I fall...he'll grind me underfoot...Oh God...I don't know what to do, I don't know what to do!"

At that I sprang to my feet and made as if to run for the door. But the sudden motion, the lack of food, too much wine  and the panic attack  caused my legs to buckle under me; I saw the whirling spots across my eyes and knew I was about to faint...

 

 

TERRY

She was out like a light. Just slithered down the table until I caught her and plonked her on her feet - but she was losing it. I threw a note on the table and eased her towards me as if we were in a close embrace and then walked her from the bar. Her legs were still making some effort. At the door, I swept her in my arms- just in time- she gave into it and fell into a deep faint. Whisking her to the elevator, I did the only thing I could to spare her embarrassment and minimise the chance of anyone remarking on us together. I took her to my suite.

She weighed hardly anything, especially limp as she was. Her long hair had tumbled from the comb she was using to secure it and it was hanging down in dark shiny curls over my arm. Her long slender legs were still artfully displayed even in this relatively exposed position. She is tall, taller than Ann, and I smiled at how I had to watch her head and feet- a couple of times I almost gave her a whack as I misjudged the clearance.  I looked at her face; for a moment it reminded me of her daughter's, like a little sleeping child. She is beautiful, simply a beautiful woman, and my heart went out to what she was facing.

The elevator shot to my floor and I manoeuvred her to my door, trying to figure out exactly how I got my key card out without having to put her down. Fortunately, a passing chamber maid let me in and I carried her to the bed. Placing her down gently, I went for my emergency pack. In my job you always have a medical supplies kit- rather more sophisticated than a first aid kit. I rifled through the contents, casting aside painkilling numbing sprays, adrenalin shots, tranquilisers, knockout drops, anticoagulants...you'd be surprised what I know about...and found smelling salts and glucose. Yeah, sometimes it is the old remedies that work the best.

Returning to her, I eased off her jacket, loosened her shirt and took off her shoes - with a quick prayer to the god of my libido to stop giving me inappropriate thoughts. Or rather memories. Brushing her hair from her face, I administered the salts and she coughed and spluttered as she woke up. I held her gently and made her lie back, stroking her head. When she seemed awake again I asked her to open her mouth and gave her a few drops of pure glucose as a buzz- she had obviously not eaten, had drunk too much and her blood sugar was low. She complied silently like a little child but watching me all the while.

"You blacked out."

"Yeah...I figured..." she looked sheepishly at me and then indicated the room. "Your bed, by any chance?"

I blew air out slowly, ran my hands through my hair and nodded. "Well, isn't that just fine and dandy, Mr. Thorne? I thought you were some sort of smart guy. Why am I here? Jesus Christ, why don't you just take a few pictures and we'll make our own damning evidence?"

She struggled to sit up and get her feet on the ground; the sudden movement made her sway and her face turned a pallid shade of pale green. "Oh shit...I'm going to puke..." she ran for the bathroom and vomited violently in the bowl. I hung back trying to restrain the urge to help her out; no one wants to be caught at that moment. I heard the taps on full blast, the sounds of gargling and water splashing and then shortly afterwards she stepped out gingerly. Her hand was holding back the wild mass of long curls, she still looked pale and her stockinged feet stumbled slightly as she felt her way back towards the bed. "Jesus Christ!" she muttered.

"You OK?" I asked. Then something occurred to me. My brain started to input data and I struggled to remember dates and my basic Human Biology..."Uma...can I ask you something...personal...?"

I went over and knelt down as she sat on the edge of the bed. She glanced up at me, a wry look on her face. "Something else? Let me see? Cup size...no, bet a guy like you had that clocked first meeting...my preferred make of tampon? My views on the Hutton Report?"

I grunted but had to smile. That woman has one sharp tongue. "No, Uma, ...serious. Listen I have to ask you this...should have asked you before...you just fainted...threw up...you've lost weight...I was just thinking...you said you and Max were thinking of another baby...Uma...are you using a contraceptive, love?" I held my breath, wondering how much worse my day could get. We had made love ten days ago. Too soon for her to know? When did the symptoms start? How would she take this bombshell?

She started to laugh. "Oh God...that is so funny..."

"Actually it isn't funny at all, Uma..."I began.

"No, I meant...I'm not laughing at you or that...look, I'm on the pill. We haven't started trying yet- that was the point of the arguments. He hates me to use contraception. He hates to use it himself. He thinks it's unnatural. Against the will of the gods, you know? It also, in the back of his mind, tempts a woman to stray...pleasure with no consequence...dangerous..." her laugh was somewhat more bitter now, I looked away.

"I'm sorry. I had to ask."

"Yes, you did. And I laughed at the irony of it all. I have been working myself into a state as if the only people affected in all of this were me and my family. I pull you in, load you with my problems and then realize that you had as many problems of your own - and that you were worried about having got me in trouble too! You are such a sweet guy. I feel ashamed at how selfish I've been. I'm sorry I snapped at you before. I know you were trying to do your best. I didn't mean to throw that back in your face....such a handsome face..." Her hand reached out and she stroked my cheek; instinctively I leant against her palm.

"It's OK. I'm tough enough to take it. At least that's one disaster we managed to avert." Uma nodded and rolled her eyes. Disaster. What a thing to call the creation of life! For a moment I thought of Heather and Dino, even of Ann and myself and our own heart searchings on the same topic. But Uma and I could easily have spent one crazy afternoon together and made a life that neither of us wanted. There's no sense in it all sometimes. Life is so arbitrary. Then I realized she was still talking:

"...so I don't think I have been honest with myself. The spell is one thing but I have to come to terms with why it worked so easily. It's a funny thing...like life, I suppose...I was never looking for what I found. Not really. I was a modern career woman. I mean...there was a notional thing that if I met a guy, I might settle down but it wasn't an aim in my life. I felt superior to other women who fell into the trap, you know? The conventional thing...courtship, engagement , marriage, babies...suburbia...but then I met Maximus. I realised that it isn't necessarily about caving in to some secret male plot to harness you. A real man makes you feel like a woman. You work on things together and then you realize that you stumbled on the same old thing because it works better than anything else for you and him and your children. I don't regret anything. I wouldn't change my life or go back. When you love somebody they are more important than you are. It's only unfair when it's one-sided...God, I'm rambling, aren't I? What I was trying to get to was this. After a life time of meeting duds- I meet two men in a matter of a few years that I could have made a life with. How weird is that? But then it isn't so surprising is it that the Premieres are attracted to some of the other Brothers? You are in essence part of the same man. There must be some common factors that we sense..."

"So...I'm like Maximus? That what you are saying?" I smiled sheepishly. "So...in what way are you like Ann?"

She blushed. "No...that is a different thing. We are all attractive to you on some level as presumably types that the Man himself might be attracted to. And as we are a diverse bunch...well, he seems to have pretty wide tastes in women, wouldn't you say?" At that we both grinned.

"Too right, love," I sat down on the bed next to her. "Me too. I mean...I'm not the kind of bloke who has a type of woman, ya know? I like women...all sorts of women. I like them sexually, of course, I turn my head at a pretty girl on the street, watch a stripper with as much interest as the next guy, have enjoyed the occasional casual sex scene. But...I also like women for what they really are...people with a different take on life than I have. Like listening to them. Like arguing with them. Like doing things for them that make them smile. Uma, when I like a woman, I like her for all her parts, not just for the superficial ones. A man like me can pick up a pretty woman - or pay for her if needs be- it isn't just looks that turns me on. It's the whole package. I don't meet many women who are the whole package. Met Ann...real deal. Never expected to meet another woman who could get it so right..."

There we were, side by side on a bed, contemplating our feet while we tried to explain what we had to face. Isobel and her tricks might have pushed us over the edge but there would always have been unresolved issues between us. Fate had dealt us a hand: the partner we both desired for life but another temptation lingering at the boundaries of our psyche. Until we faced the truth, it was always going to be a dangerous powder keg.

She took a deep breath. "I like you so much. I still want you. I just wanted you to know that. It isn't about the others. It doesn't feel like infidelity to me. Not really. It just feels like I can't quite steer my heart anymore. I didn't look to feel this way- neither did you. But when it happens- you can't stop yourself feeling, can you?"

I shook my head at the stupidity of it all. "Want a hot cup of tea? Something to eat? You need to get something inside you, love." She accepted a glass of water and a biscuit and swung her legs off the bed, wandering around the room as she sipped and nibbled. I watched her thoughtfully. It's bloody hard when you've already known a woman's body.

 

 

UMA

I felt unburdened by our talk. Somehow telling him, even in a roundabout way that I did have some feelings for him and that I knew he was the kind of man with whom I could have had a chance in a different circumstance had made me feel less stressed out. Honesty as the best policy? Maybe, although there are limits to where I would apply that. But at least to know clearly in your own mind where jeopardy lies for people like us is always preferable. At least we now knew what we were really fighting.

His room was fastidiously neat and tidy, much as his office had been. But then, he had Housekeeping to take care of things. His laptop was open and online; the screen saver was a picture of Ann. It seemed an oddly sweet, sentimental thing for such a man as he was- but exactly what I would expect. He isn't ashamed to admit to his fragility. Absentmindedly I wandered about, picking up a bottle of cologne, smelling its fragrance and recalling an erotic dream. My fingers walked across his jacket, hung on the back of a chair; I looked at the spine of the book open on the night stand. There wasn't much there but enough to highlight some of the intricacies of this enigmatic man.

I walked out onto the balcony for some fresh air. It was cold and drizzly but the whip of a February wind blew the colour back into my cheeks and made my body fire up from its hopeless lethargy. We would get through this- all of us. Terry and I might be struggling with some combination of lust and unfulfilled romantic urges but nothing that had happened compared with the bond I had with Maximus or Terry had with Ann. I looked out over rainy London and sensed that Maximus was out there somewhere wrestling with his own demons. He would pull through- he always did. I trusted him to find his way back to us.

"Hey, want your jacket? It's witch-tit cold today." Terry joined me on the balcony as I lent on the wrought iron balustrade and meditated.

"Put your arms round me. I always prefer pure man to pure wool," I teased. He did. Encircled me in that brawny embrace, his hands on the rail next to mine. Then he slid them along to cover mine and I felt his lips plant a soft kiss on my neck.

"You feel too good. You make my head spin," he whispered.

I turned in his arms and found myself caught in a lovers' posture: body pressed to body, arms enclosed, eyes locked. I could feel the steady rhythm of his heart and recognised the faster beat and knew it was matched in my own. "You know what I wish?" I murmured as our mouths hovered closer and closer.

"What? What do you wish for?" His voice dropped low and husky; a man aroused even before I felt the telltale pressure against my belly.

"That when we had sex before it had been the real you and me. Those people that day were not us. That is not how we behave. I wish we had shown our true selves to each other. Just once. Making love is more than just arranging our body parts for maximum stimulation..."

He listened and I saw a flicker of a question in his eyes, a surge of hope perhaps? Who knows?

"Does it really matter now? We will never meet again. You know both of us will ensure that now. We have already been unfaithful to those we love. That line in the sand has been crossed. If they find out, we're damned already. Would it make any difference to be true to each other this last time? To know that however tawdry our affair might be to the rest of the world, that you and I both know what we really felt?"

He gave me a searching glance, brushed a stray strand of hair back from my face and kissed my forehead. "That easy, hey? We break rules once- so we might as well keep on breaking them? Is that what you're saying? Not quite sure that works for me, love."

I blushed and knew that my words were wrong. What did I really want to say to him? What did I really mean?

"Terry...fate took our free will from us. It owes it to us to take it back. I simply want you now so that I have a real memory of you for always. Not like some wild lust-crazed animals. But as a man and woman who might have loved each other if they had been free to make that choice..."

I knew the moment that I had uttered the words that he was thinking the same- only he would never have uttered them to me. It had to be my choice.

"Last time. One for the road, hey? This time- we do it for us. Not because we're being played by some little bitch of a puppeteer. If I go down- I want it to be for something that I have actually done- you know? But most of all because I want to. Have done all along in my mind. Never want to pretend that this wasn't the real thing...just the wrong time and place for us. Let's have this afternoon, Uma. Steal it from time. Not about anyone else but you and me...Something tells me we'll spend enough of our lives paying for it one way or another, anyway..."

Can't fight what you can't win.... he kissed me and we were both lost. Maybe we talked each other into it with flawed logic. Maybe we spoke the truth. But it was our natural instinct that made the real decision. I wonder if it had ever been in any doubt from the moment we had closed the door on the real world? But I know this for sure. Whatever hocus pocus had been thrown our way, the real magic was what happened that afternoon in that room. Of that I have no doubt.

 

To Part Seven

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