MAXIMUS

A few weeks later, after a very busy month when I had been travelling overseas and had spent little time with my daughter, I arranged for us to spend her half term holiday away. We went to the Camargue in South West France, that desolate and wild terrain so famous for its white horses. Lily is already a confident rider for her age and we stayed at an exclusive equestrian centre there that offers courses of advanced instruction for children, even elementary jumping for those competent enough. It meant that she would meet with other children and have companions as well as be able to indulge in activities appropriate to her age, while I could also find some freedom to think and regroup after the disturbing events of late.

Every morning I would take her to breakfast in the rustic restaurant, settle her with the syces and the instructors in the training school and then saddle up to ride at speed across the empty wetlands of the Rhone delta mile after mile, or over the rugged grassy plains. The majesty of nature, the vast throngs of birds, the wild black bulls that roamed free made me think I had escaped to an earlier age before the world became tamed and urbanised into its modern homogeneity. I tried not to think on those exhilarating rides, letting my physical nature reign, becoming one with my fiery mount until man and beast were drenched in sweat and exhausted, the autumnal winds whipping round my face as I crouched low and rode hard into the distance.

But in time man and beast must rest and then we would come to a halt, panting, perspiring; I would slip from the horse's back, lead him to water and then throw myself to the ground to recover and lie there on my back in the scrub watching the scudding clouds high above me. And then the memories would assail me, the strands of voices echoing in my head, the fleeting images of past events from my former life and my current existence. I was weary of it all. Too much. Too much for any man.

But my child needed me. 

How simple it would have been to take a knife and open my veins in the time-honoured tradition of my class! How welcome would be that slow descent into nothingness, the pulse of my lifeblood ebbing away, the last fading memories of my time here on earth flickering across my darkening eyes. Once I had believed I had reached that very moment, only to be pulled rudely back across time to another place, another Herculean Labour. Now, I lay there and fantasised the return of that blessed relief.

Yet even then, I would never have done it. There had been so many times in my years as a gladiator when, sword in hand, I could have put myself out of my misery - but revenge and some innate desire for life prevented me from choosing the simple path. Now, the obstacle was even greater - Lily; I would not shirk from my duty to my child. Years stretched before me, empty and aimless, fulfilling my responsibilities and watching while she grew to womanhood. As long as she was safe from any danger, while she was happy and secure, I could find my peace in that knowledge alone. That would have to be enough.

My melancholy would soon lift, however, when I rode back to the centre and met up with Lily again. Her day would have been full and bright - lessons in riding, jumping, the discipline of dressage, grooming and caring for her animal, comradeship with other children, games and races, prizes and rosettes won. Up she would charge, eyes dancing and wide beaming smile, talking so fast that I could barely keep up, so many stories of the day she had enjoyed. Then my heart would leap and I would feel joy again. I can bear anything with this child in my life.

One early evening, showered and changed for dinner, we walked back down to the field to watch the polo players in a chukka while I had a pre-prandial drink. Lily was soon bored and ran off to play with the other children; I chatted to some of the parents and idly observed the game. I rather like the speed and dexterity of polo, the control of the horse and competitive drive of the game reminding me of equestrian challenges that we would undergo as cavalrymen in our training for war.

"Are you here alone with Lily?" A voice broke into my meditations.

I turned and smiled over at an attractive blonde woman whose son, Toby, was one of the children of whom Lily was fond. It suddenly occurred to me that she was probably alone, too, and was sounding me out, the only other lone male of her age group. I nodded my assent and she launched into her attack. Within a short while, I had bought her another drink and she was telling me the story of her life.  Annabelle Montgomery, divorced, mother of Toby aged seven, a woman of some means who was a former show jumper and now rode with the hunt in Oxfordshire. I had seen her riding as I had left that morning and had already noticed her grace and excellent seat.

"Perhaps we could join up for dinner later?" she inquired. "It does become a little tedious conversing with a seven year old boy over dinner every night...and Lily has quite charmed my son. She is a lovely child, isn't she? I am sure she'll be a beauty when she's older!"

I smiled to myself. Annabelle was making the usual move to reach me by complimenting me on my daughter and suggesting that she was the sort of woman who would welcome my child should we become closer. I thought about it. It was tempting enough to contemplate a short affair; Annabelle was a slender blonde, tiny and exquisitely groomed, dressed in designer casual chic, intelligent, witty and poised. Her blue eyes appraised me steadily and I understood that she was looking for no more than I was - a casual commitment; all in all, a very alluring prospect.

But I suddenly felt weary. An image of Uma flitted before my eyes, dressed in the faded pair of denims and a little blouse, a cheap jacket thrown over the ensemble, hair messy and carelessly cut. Somehow she still appeared to me even now the epitome of what a woman should be, even as I sat in the presence of this tantalising society beauty. "Excuse me...I need to find Lily. Yes...perhaps we could meet for dinner shortly? I shall arrange a table...if you will permit me?" I gave a curt bow and took my leave.

A brief word to a waiter and then I jogged down the steps, following the sound of children's voices to the paddock where a few young horses were exercising. I smiled when I heard the delighted screams of laughter from the little ones and wondered what had so amused them. It did not take me long to find out.

One of the young stallions was attempting to mount a mare, his state of excitement openly visible to the four children who had climbed on to the fence and were hanging over, eyes wide at the sight. Pulling Lily away, I made a muttered excuse and hurried her back to the clubhouse. "Daddy...it was so funny! The horse has this enormous willy and it was sticking up and bouncing around... he was trying to hit the other horse's bum with it!" Whatever I said, I could not change the subject. She was far too interested in what she had seen. "Daddy, Daddy...what was he doing? Why was his willy so big? Where did it come from? Do all horses have willies like that? Why did he jump on the other horse's back? Daddy...?"

I cleared my throat. "They are mating. It is natural. All animals must do it."

Quickening up my pace, I strode ahead, but she pitter-pattered by me. "Daddy! What is mating? Why must they do it?" she went on.

"To have young. It is called breeding." I hoped that would be enough.

"Young? Do you mean babies? Like foals? How...how do they do it?"

I did not answer. What could I say to a little girl? 

She fell silent at that moment so I thought she had accepted my answer - but I should have known better. Instead she started on another tack.

"Is that how babies are made, Daddy? Do they come from your willy?" I turned, aghast at her deduction. But it seemed easier to give her a positive answer.

"Yes."

"Oh!" She gasped. I could see the wheels of her brain turning. But she said no more and that seemed to be that. I sent her off to the bathroom to wash her hands before dinner and smiled over at Annabelle, wondering if her son Toby was giving her a similar grilling. Just then, Lily re-emerged and slipped her right hand in mine, pulling me down to her height.

"What is it, Florilla?" I muttered, as I bent my ear to her mouth, still watching Annabelle, perhaps even a little stirred by the primal image of the rampant stallion still in my subconscious and a vague erotic impulse sending a warm glow to my loins. She was a very attractive woman and her demeanour suggested she was very interested in me...

"Do boys put their willies in girls to make a baby?" Lily whispered, with a tone of horrified disgust. Her remark jolted me back to stark reality. How had she worked that out?

"Lily! This is neither the time nor the place for such a discussion. Enough!" I blurted out in anger. She flushed bright red, embarrassed to be spoken to in public like that - and I knew that her comment did not deserve such a response. I felt inadequate and ill-prepared to deal with this. Even alone, I would not have wished for this conversation, nor did I have any notion how to answer it.

Oh, Uma...how I need you now! You would know what to say. I could hear your voice in my head, calm and gentle, as you told Lily the truth in the simple terms that she needed, with the correct amount of detail and no more than was suitable for a child so young. I could imagine your eyes dancing and looking over Lily's head in amusement, making gleeful faces at me all the while.

My former words came back to haunt me. A daughter needs her mother. There are things I cannot do for her. A man needs his wife.

I was reading later in my room, lying on the bed, half-dressed. Lily was in her room across the small lounge, long asleep after her active day. She had been a little subdued all evening after I had spoken so sternly to her, and when I had suggested it was bedtime, she had complied quietly. As I tucked her in, she had suddenly flung her arms around my neck. "Don't be angry with me, Daddy! I'm sorry..."

I hugged her close and told her that I was not angry. But I did not offer to answer her question, either. I suspected that she would think that there had been something intrinsically wrong, shameful even, in what she had asked me. It was not right for a girl to feel that way about what was essentially human nature. In my own time, she would have been surrounded by women who would have shared that secret knowledge with her.  But all Lily had was a starchy old maid for a nanny and a rigid old soldier for a father. Poor child.

There was a soft tapping at the door. I shot up in surprise. Pulling on a jumper, and opening it, I found Annabelle standing barefoot, wearing a simple loose cotton dress, her hair tumbling free. She was carrying a bottle of champagne and two glasses.

I leaned on the door jam and stared at her, a lascivious smile touching my lips, a similar seductive expression on hers. "Toby's fast asleep. I wondered if we might spend some time together?"

Stepping back, I gestured for her to enter and she slipped in past me. I smelt her fragrance - and it was enough. My hand shot out and pulled her into my arms. A beautiful woman for a night. It might just dull my pain for a few hours.

UMA

I had left London almost straight away and drifted along the south coast looking for casual work, ending up in Margate at the tail end of the summer season, It was the worst time of year for jobs in a seaside town but I managed to find work, behind a bar in a good hotel. It was a decent place, in the cocktail lounge, and the hours were reasonable enough. My mornings were free, which suited me at the moment, and then I was busy and occupied in a rather mindless but sociable job for a few hours over lunch and then most evenings.

The rest of the day I spent quietly. I would take long walks down the blustery beach, enjoying the buffeting of the wind and the bracing ozone, or simply sleeping away the hours in my little bed-sit. It was at least a more engaging and healthy environment than London. I had found a bright enough one room flat in a pretty sea front property and felt myself lucky for once. I might have no friends and my prospects were on paper worse than ever but I had something now to make it all worthwhile.

There is a purpose in everything after all.

I had suspected long before I had any confirmation of it. I suppose a woman just knows. I found myself baulking at tastes that usually pleased me, seemed to be sleepy all the time and either had no appetite or a ravenous hunger. It came as no surprise then when my period failed to show; I did not even do a test. The nausea kicked in shortly afterwards, the swollen and tender breasts - I did not need to waste money to tell me what I already knew. I was pregnant. Maximus had given me the future even as he tore away the last remnants of my past.

There were moments of blind panic when I wondered how I would ever manage when the baby came, but for the most part I was idyllically happy. This country has a social state and I supposed I would now qualify for support and allowances if I could not work, my rent and bills would be paid, my health care provided and my needs were simple. What cared I for material things now? I would have my own child and he could not take it away from me this time.

I wandered along from the front, past the boarded up stalls and kiosks, closed now that the winter was approaching, and thrust my hands further into my pockets. It was getting colder and my thin summer jacket was not enough for the raw climate of this exposed coast. I would have to try the flea market at the weekend and see if I could pick up something cheap. I had to look after myself better now. My hand found its way to my still flat belly, no sign of my state apparent yet. A smile stole over my lips and a warm glow flamed my heart. I wonder what it is? Another pretty daughter? A handsome son in his father's image? Whatever it was to be, the child was mine.

The hotel doors beckoned and I ran up the steps to the lobby. In the staff rest room, I hung up my jacket and changed into the skimpy pink dress with its low neckline and short hem. I was eye candy for jaded businessmen on conferences and expense accounts. I wondered how long I could keep this image going before I was out on my ear and jobless again? With a quick check in the mirror, a touch of bright cerise lipstick, I shook out my hair. I looked okay; a little pale perhaps but they would probably not be interested in anything above my tits. I was just an anonymous piece of female flesh and in many ways it suited me. I could chat and flirt but the barrier of the bar kept me safe from any real need to reach out and touch someone else. My world was deep within me now and I cared not a jot for anyone else.

"A pint of Stella, love, when you're ready, and have one yourself..."

TERRY

He contacted me right out of the blue one rainy November evening. I was just about to call it a night and had even gone so far as to raise my hand to the telephone to put in a call to Ann. It would be around midday her time; I imagined her in the warm balmy daylight as I glanced to the window and saw the city lights refracted against the miserable driving rain on my pane.

The phone rang and I jumped slightly; had she had the selfsame thought to call me at that very minute?

"Hi, babes..." I answered dreamily, without thinking, still half lost in my reverie about her wearing a short white sundress, her tanned legs in strappy little sandals...

"I beg your pardon?"

Maximus.

I automatically sat up straight, almost saluting instinctively at his brusque clipped tone, a lifetime of responding to real authority driving my reaction.

"Maximus...my apologies. I thought you were Ann..."

There was a momentary silence but I had the impression he had smiled. Odd. "No, I'm afraid not. Is this a bad time?"

"No... No, mate. Go ahead. What can I do for you?" He had taken me by surprise and I was making thinking time for myself.

"I heard you were in town. I wondered if you were free for dinner tomorrow evening?"

That was not even close to what I expected. "How did you know I was in town?" I asked, more to hide my unease at the invitation than anything else. What the fuck was he up to?

"I made it my business to know."  Very informative, mate.

"Tomorrow night? What's this about, Max?" I decided to try and wrest control of this conversation from him; I don't like being on the run.

"I would prefer not to discuss this matter on the telephone. Seven thirty at my home?"

I did not disguise my annoyance at his cloak-and-dagger approach but I accepted the invitation nevertheless. "I'll be there... I take it I'm the only guest?"

He did not even reply, just wished me good night and hung up. Slumping back in my chair, I rubbed my hands through my hair in frustration. What now? Had he made contact with Uma? Was this some kind of peacemaking? No. He would have said. I groaned at the prospect of visiting that house again. Of seeing Lily. Of facing him eye to eye. I had hoped to put all that behind me - and here it was being thrust upon me again.

Snagging the receiver up, I dialled Ann's number - and got her answer phone. With a snarl, I tossed the receiver back across the desk in temper and walked out of the office. The nearest bar wasn't near enough.

I parked my car on the road outside and walked up the driveway, mentally composing myself, the game face firmly in place. In one hand I had a bottle of malt and in the other some flowers. He must have either a housekeeper or a woman to help with the child. If he didn't, I'd give the bouquet to Lily.

As I approached the porch, I saw the movement of a curtain falling back into place; my arrival had been observed. I stood a moment then raised my hand to the bell, only to find that the door opened shakily even before I rang.

And there she was. No more the little toddler with the madcap curls but now a slip of a girl, serious of expression, hair shiny dark but still the perfect little features, dominated by her pale green eyes. Incredible colouring. You could see the startling beauty that she would one day become, still sitting a little uncomfortably on a small child's face. "Hello. Are you Mr Thorne?" she asked.

I smiled. Hard not to. She was so mature for her age. "Yeah... Is your father in?"

She opened the door wide and I entered the house. Memories flooded through me. I could almost see old ghosts and hear a little child shout "Unca Terry!" I thrust the thought far down.

"Daddy called to say he would be slightly delayed but would be here very soon. He asked me to keep you company while you're waiting. Please come through to the lounge." She spoke with a formal politeness rare in modern children. It was disarming and yet sweet. He had done a good job with her - at whatever cost to them all.

In the spacious lounge she asked me to sit, would I like some music on, the evening newspaper, a drink?

"A beer would be nice, love. And perhaps I should give you these flowers? I meant them for the lady who prepared dinner..."

"Ah, you mean Miss McAlister! I'll take them to her. Would you like a bottle of beer or a can? Do you want a glass?" Her questions were precise, as if she had thought out what to say in advance. She listened carefully to my reply and I saw her lips moving as if memorising what I said so that she would not forget. It was endearing that this little girl was trying so hard to make a guest in her house feel welcome. I wondered if this was some important Roman custom that her father had instilled in her.

"A bottle's fine. No need for a glass. Thank you very much..."

"Lily. My name's Lily."

"I'm Terry, please call me that, Lily..." As my name registered on her, she stopped for a second and seemed to think; I wondered if somewhere in her head a memory had stirred. But it was unlikely that she would have been able to recall me at all. She had been barely two years old when we last met.

Struggling with the large bouquet, she disappeared; I sat back and looked about the room. Not much had changed since I was last here. This was still the home that Uma had made for her man. He had kept that much of her at least.

Lily was back quickly, a bottle of beer in her hands and a plate of canapés. "Miss McAlister says the flowers are lovely. She will thank you herself later."

I took the bottle and she perched on a chair opposite, her hands tucked beneath her knees, watching me with interest. "You look like my father a bit," she suddenly said. "Are you a relative?"

I nodded. "Sort of cousin."

"Are you from Australia?" The child was acutely intelligent to spot that. My accent is hardly thick Strine anymore. "...You sound like the crocodile man."

I laughed. "Steve- O?"

She grinned. "Do you say 'Crikey?"

"No chance," I teased. "Well... only when I see pretty girls. Which reminds me, Lily. Crikey!"

My comment made her giggle and the ice seemed broken a little; her formal demeanour softened and I saw the child beneath. She liked being called pretty. Well, she was a girl. Don't they all?

Fishing in my pocket, I retrieved a little gift I had brought for her. Frankly, I had no idea what little girls liked but I figured that they were probably just small versions of big girls, so I'd picked up a little necklace with a tiny gold heart pendant. I held it out to her. "For you, Lily. Just a little present."

Her eyes lit up; I wondered if she was unused to gifts. Somehow I wouldn't have thought Maximus indulged her very much. Well, that was my prerogative; I was her uncle, so to speak.

"A present?" she repeated and took the small jewellery box, opening it carefully and gasping at the little trinket. Her eyes grew large and she stared open-mouthed at me.

"Let me put it on for you." She stood up and walked over, turning and standing demurely while I fastened the chain about her little neck. For one second, I had a curious sensation. As I brushed aside her hair, I had a memory of her mother's swanlike neck and the satin skin of her body. Lily was very like her Mum, except for her expression. Where Uma was volatile and spirited, Lily had her father's quiet dignity. But somewhere in her, I expect, lay other inherited traits of which she might have been as yet unaware.

"It's so pretty...!"She ran to the hearth and tried to see her reflection in the mirror above by jumping up and down. I rose and picked her up so that she could get a better look. She preened and turned her little head, enjoying her reflection; unconsciously her other hand slipped around my neck as if I were someone she knew well. "Thank you, Mr Thorne! I never had a necklace of gold!" And she bent forward to kiss my cheek affectionately, quite unembarrassed. I felt overcome all of a sudden. This child was moving me in a curious way.

Setting her down on her feet, we both sat back and chatted. I asked her about her school and she babbled on quite freely now, becoming more voluble - and I began to see her mother in her more and more.

Right out of the blue she asked me a question; I wondered how long it had been hovering in her mind. "Did you know my Mummy?"

I was surprised as well as concerned. I had no idea what she had been told about Uma.

"Why do you ask?" I used a rather unfair tactic from my evasive public life; I threw the question back at her.

She hunched her shoulders. "If you're Daddy's cousin, I thought you might have known her before. I just wondered..." her voice trailed off.

I found myself swallowing hard, a lump forming in my throat. I cannot tell you how rare that sensation is for me these days. "I did meet her a long time ago. Yes, I knew your mother."

She bit her lip and I could see she was thinking. "What was she like?"

I noted the use of 'was' and filed it away for later. Surely he hadn't told her Uma was dead?

"Very beautiful. Very clever. A lovely woman. You are very like her, Lily. She would be so proud of you."

The little girl smiled sadly. "I can't remember what she looked like. I just wish I could."  There was a moment when neither of us could think of anything to say and an uncomfortable silence reigned. All of a sudden Lily broke it and again I was reminded of Uma's mercurial nature and her unexpected changes in direction.

"Would you like to see my drawings? I want to be an artist when I grow up." Out of her seats she bounded and raced from the room, to return moments later with a sketch block and a box of pencils. Entirely forgetting her earlier composure, she threw herself on the floor at my feet and began leafing through the pages until she found what she was looking for.

"I drew this when we were in France. It was my horse, Pepita. That's me and my Dad." I glanced at it and saw a child's view of her world and the important things in her life. Her realisation was remarkably proficient and she had captured the essence of Maximus, even with her simplistic style.

"Brilliant. Which one's Pepita?" I teased. She giggled.

"This one, silly! I love horses. Do you?"

"Yeah, love....but I couldn't eat a whole one..." At that she threw her head back and laughed. I slipped onto the floor and watched her as she drew me; then I took the pencil and did a stick version of her, hamming it up as though it were about to be a work of art. She was charming, lively and funny - with a surprisingly mature sense of humour and a quick tongue. I recalled her baby self and a drawing that she had once done of me then; I still have it pinned up in my office. The pleasure of getting acquainted with this delightful child was tainted by the bitter memories of my part in the tragedy that had overtaken her young life.

At that point, in came the nanny, bustling about with a vase of my flowers in her hands. "These are quite, quite beautiful, Mr Thorne. You shouldn't have bothered!"

I jumped up and shook her hand warmly. "Not at all. How could I forget the lady of the house who has gone to so much trouble?" She beamed and simpered. Flowers. Works every time.

Moments later, I heard a car sweeping into the drive. Lily jumped up and down and shouted; "Dad's home!", Miss McAlister excused herself to attend to the meal and I found myself alone in the room. The master was here and it was obvious he was accorded the respect due to the alpha. But then, could you imagine any women treating Maximus differently? Even Uma had been compliant to his every whim. Some men just have the knack.

I heard Lily's shriek of laughter when he entered the house, knew that he must have picked her up and swung her about, smiled at that hint of the doting father beneath his usual dour façade. Then he burst through into the lounge with that assertive stride he has that always gives one the impression that he is about to chair a top- level war cabinet. The sight of Lily tripping in behind him was almost absurd by comparison.

"Thorne. Good to see you again!" He held out his hand for me to shake.

Dinner was a quiet, civilised affair. We chatted amiably about politics and world affairs, spoke in general terms about our careers, listened to Lily prattle on about school and complimented Miss McAlister on her excellent dinner. When dessert was being cleared away, the nanny indicated it was time for the little girl to go to bed. She behaved as all little ones do at such a time, pulling a face and complaining bitterly. But one look at her father quieted her and she obediently stood up and wished me good night.

Walking over to her father at the head of the table, she scrambled onto his knee and kissed him; he held her to him for a moment and then let her go, ruffling up her hair and causing her to squirm and tut at him. He laughed, a surprisingly boyish and carefree sound, and I understood then what this child meant to him. It was a pity he did not seem to understand why.

When the room was empty, Max stood up and helped himself to a bottle of fine cognac, carrying over two balloons. He poured our measures, very large ones and handed one to me. "Cigar?"

I surveyed him coolly. "What're we celebrating. Maximus?"

He didn't answer, merely opening a humidor and indicating I should choose. He knows his cigars. There were some fine hand-rolled Cubans there. I selected one and he leant forward to light it for me before sitting back and lighting his own. For a few minutes we both sat there in silence, enjoying the fine liquor and the excellent smoke, but I could hear his desire to speak to me hovering in the air between us. At last he took the bit between his teeth:

"I wish to ask a favour of you."

I raised an eyebrow but did not respond. This could be as hard for him as he liked.

"It concerns my wife."

"Yeah...I kind of thought it might."

He glanced up and stared coolly at me before going on. "I wish you to find her for me."

"Thought you could make it your business to find out where people were?" I retorted dryly, reminding him of his earlier words to me.

Maximus gave me a hostile glare but took a piece of paper from his pocket, throwing it across the table. "I know where she is. I want you to speak to her for me."

Glancing at the information on the sheet of paper, I rested back in my chair and fingered the stem of the brandy glass thoughtfully. "Exactly what am I supposed to say to your wife that wouldn't come rather better from you? If you've anything to say to her - I suggest your best bet is to swallow your fucking pride and go and talk to her yourself." I raised the glass and took a deep swig.

"I fear she will refuse to see me. After the last time."

"The last time?

He took a sharp intake of breath. "The last time when you played God and brought us together. The bar in London?" He gave a slight smile and tipped his glass in acknowledgement.

"So you fuckin' blew it, did ya?"

He made a noise with his tongue like a moody Spanish waiter. "It is none of your business."

"No...? Then neither is this." I stood up.

Max rose as well. "Sit down! We... met and talked. She met with Lily and they talked. Then...I went to see her later that night...we...we...quarrelled and that is the last I saw of her...she disappeared again..."

I grinned to myself. I imagine there was a shitload of detail there that he was glossing over. "Yeah...like I said, so you fuckin' blew it, did you?"

He made a slight little tilt of his head and looked embarrassed. I pushed.

"So...if I go and look up your wife, exactly what am I expected to do? Tell her what a wonderful guy you are? Sing your praises? I think she knows you rather better than I do, mate, and isn't gonna fall for that line."

"Of course not. Have some sense. I merely wish for you to approach her and suggest that I am amenable to allowing her more access to my daughter. Lily needs her mother. I have come to see this and I..."

"...Tell her yourself."

"I cannot. She will not listen. She has some misguided idea that Lily is better without her..."

"...Based upon exactly what? That wasn't the impression I got when I last spoke to Uma..."

He weighed me up solemnly. "Where did you speak to her? When did you last speak to her?"

I shrugged. "In a border refugee camp in one of the most dangerous places on earth. But then...you know all about that, don't you?" I sneered.

His face told me that obviously didn't. "What?" So I filled him in, laying it on with a trowel. His look of abject horror was worth the ride. The bastard needed to know.

"So...you helped her return and arranged for us to have a 'chance' meeting? Why? What is in it for you? Were you not the self-same man who tried to take her from me?" He spoke through gritted teeth and I realised that it could not have been easy for him to open his home to me. But I had heard enough of his wounded hero act for one night.

"Get real, why don't you? Whatever happened between me and your wife was over almost before it began. I slept with her because of two things. I was under an enchantment and - I liked her very much. Have you ever given that whole spell shit any real thought?  It was directed mostly at you and me. That's why it did so much damage to our lives. By the way, Isobel intensified the effect on you and your family- did you know, she gave your child belladonna flowers at the wedding that were soaked in her malevolent power? They lay about your home and worked their evil for weeks. Did you also know that she gave your wife a further charm saying it would help her conceive a son for you- the son that you were so demanding of? Of course, it was no such thing - that charm was meant to split you two apart; it lay beneath your own mattress for days and further drove its spike into your marriage. Is it any wonder that Uma couldn't withstand its power? You didn't even warn her about the pull, so she was totally unprepared for the subsequent enchantment. Look at the fallout for the others- and remember that the effect on you two was ten times stronger... Cort died because of it. Lachlan's marriage broke up because of it. Natalie left Bud and is now living with Colin- White never sees his kids because they're in Australia as a result of it. Hando and Jodie separated.  Dino and Heather almost didn't make it. Need I go on? Oh yeah...I forgot... you fucked my wife like a piece of meat and knocked her about with your fists, on account of the charm. Or on account of the fact that you're a mean bastard with a nasty taste for revenge... You should have seen the bruises, Max...you'd have been real proud of yourself..."

At that he blinked rapidly and I saw a muscle twitch in his upper cheek. He stood up and gave me his back, but it was clear he was rattled. "It was not like you think," he muttered.

"No...nor was what happened between your wife and me. But you aren't interested in truth, are you?  You have your own little worldview and it suits you well enough. You want me to talk to Uma about Lily? I'll do it for Uma. I'll do it for Lily. But not for you, mate. You don't fuckin' deserve either of them."

His hands went to his face and for a moment he buried his head in his open palms. "Then at least there is something we both agree on," he whispered.

Turning slowly around he faced me and I could see clearly the despair he was in. It took my breath away to see a man so exposed before another - especially a man such as Maximus.

"I know it makes no difference now but I am ready to admit how wrong I was. I have changed. Uma was the best thing that ever happened to me but in many ways she was too good for me. She let me remain as I was and never really forced me to adjust to this era. When the crisis came, I simply retreated into some cage of my past and struck out in anger at all who came near me..."

His voice trailed off and he looked down, already having said much more than I would ever have thought him capable of admitting. But he is a brave man and after composing himself, he continued: "I wish I could turn back time and change many things - but I cannot. But I can right the most glaring wrongs. I will not let my daughter and my wife live any longer in this hell I have created for them. Please...make her see...she told me that Lily believes her mother dead. That is unforgivable of me to have given that impression to our child. Help me make amends?"

I nodded slowly, unable to find an answer to his brutal honesty. Whatever excuses I had raised, I had wronged this man in the full knowledge of how he might behave were he to discover our illicit affair. I was lucky he hadn't ripped me apart limb from limb. His confession rendered me almost speechless.

"When we first met, Maximus...I regarded you as a friend. I'm sorry that the way I behaved has made that no longer possible...but, if it's any compensation at all, I still think you one of the finest men I've ever known. I played a part in this crazy mess; you are not the only guilty one. Maybe this is the best way for me to pay my debts. I'll go to her and I'll bring her home. But I want you to know this first. She loves you and you love her. Stop kidding yourself that this is about Lily. We both know she's only a part of it. Make your mind up and stop fucking your wife about. You win her back - or you'll ruin all your lives."

I took my leave then, thanked him for dinner and told him I would be in touch. With the paper in my pocket, I drove away, pensive and ill-at-ease. This was not a case I particularly relished; I had the sense that there was more to Uma's disappearance than Maximus had admitted to me.

MAXIMUS

For the next few days, Lily developed a Terry Thorne obsession. She asked me incessantly about him and seemed dissatisfied by the sketchy details I gave her. She wanted to know why I had invited him and if she had ever met him when she had been a baby and where he had been all this time and if he was older or younger than I was. I grew tired of her prattle; he was so funny and he had drawn this silly picture and he had given her a necklace...

"A necklace? Why did he give such a thing to you? Does he think to buy your affection, like he buys everyone else?"

I had made her cry at that- she ran from the room and hid in her bedroom all day, refusing to come down for dinner until Miss McAlister gave her a lecture.

But I also received the sharp end of that lady's tongue myself: "If I may say so, sir, you were very harsh with her about that gift. She is such a good little thing and never asks for anything. He brought us all something - he has good manners - and you had no right to make her feel like that. I'm not one for spoiling children but sometimes you are too hard on her. There was no harm in that at all and he is a very fine man. Not many men would sit down on the floor with a little girl playing with her..."

Obviously the Thorne charm had worked on her, too. Miss McAlister is not given to sentiment but where he was concerned it appeared, he could do no wrong and I was the unreasonable one. Perhaps I was. But somehow the image of him immediately bonding with my daughter as he once had with my wife, gave me little pleasure.  It is not often in my life that I have wished to be someone else or to have the qualities of another man. But I would have given much to have some of his insouciant charm and easy friendliness in this modern world.

Lily was quiet during dinner; I noticed she had removed the jewellery. Afterwards, I dismissed her nanny and put her to bed myself; we talked. I apologised for being so sharp and told her that she should write a thank you note for the gift and wear it whenever she liked. "Is there something wrong with Terry?" she asked me. "Don't you like him?"

I knelt by her bed as she climbed in. "I like him very well. We quarrelled some time ago and then we did not see each other for several years. But I do admire him and he has been a good friend to me." It was all I could say but I would not have her think that Terry had been false in his friendship towards her. That would have been unmanly of me.

As she settled back down and I covered her over, I decided to broach the topic I most dreaded. "Lily...you never ask me about your mother. Why is that?" It was the first time I remember having said the word mother to her in all this time. Her head shot up and she blushed slightly.

"I thought you didn't like to talk about her. Daddy...is she dead? Did my Mummy go to heaven?"

Even though Uma had warned me that this was her belief, it still stunned me. I swallowed hard before answering. "No. Your mother is not dead."

Lily gasped and sat up straight. "But where is she? Why did she leave us?  Why does she never come to see us? Doesn't she like us?"

I saw then that perhaps Uma's instinct had been right. Wouldn't her mother's disappearance now seem to her as if she had been deserted in the cruellest way?

"It wasn't like that. I can't explain to you what happened because you are too young to understand - but I do not want you to blame your mother. Sometimes life doesn't turn out the way we wish it to be..."

"Didn't she love you, Daddy? Did she leave us because she didn't love you?" Her little plaintive voice cut my heart to the quick.

"It wasn't about that, Lily. It wasn't about love...but she always loved you. She still loves you. More than anything in life..."

Lily frowned. "...Then why doesn't she come and see me?"

I paused, unsure how to explain things in a way she would understand. "Your mother believes that she makes life easier for you by staying away..."

"But..." Lily began. I stopped her with a finger on her lips.

"Try to believe what I say. I can say no more than this. Sleep now and do not worry, my little one. I will try to make things better for you. Just remember...you always have me, Lily, whatever happens. I will never leave your side..."

She threw her arms around me and hugged me close. "Daddy...you know I love you, don't you? You're the best Daddy in the whole wide world..."

I held her close, her body tiny in my arms, her little heart beating fast. She is everything to me. Everything in the world.

TERRY

There were a lot of unanswered questions in my mind as I drove down to Kent to my rendezvous with Uma. Why had their previous meeting failed so badly? He had clearly let her meet Lily, even if she had not admitted who she was, but somehow Uma had taken flight and run. What had upset her so? The idea that her daughter thought that she was dead? Was that what Lily had told her as she had told me? That would surely be enough to make Uma wonder if her reappearance would cause her daughter problems.

But then why had she not returned to her job overseas? What would keep her in England now, if she had cut all traces with Maximus? Even if she wished to change her chosen path, restart her life, then how would working in a seaside town off season in a hotel bar facilitate the rebuilding of her life? Her behaviour seemed inexplicable. There was a piece in this puzzle that was eluding me.

English seaside towns are always fairly depressing places, even in the height of summer. There is a certain fading elegance about them that seems to point to better days, and the people who inhabit them are either old retirees or little Englander type holidaymakers with their narrow and backward-looking view on life. The poor weather, indifferent beaches and lack of style contribute to that- England must be one of the few countries in the world where it is almost an act of retrogressive British Empire bloodymindedness to holiday on one's own coasts.

But then I'm an Aussie, so most beaches round the world appear pretty shambolic compared to those back home. And this was December - can there be many bleaker sights than a British seaside town at this autumnal season?

Her hotel was the most prestigious in town, The Grand - and I took some comfort from that. I entered the cocktail bar off the French restaurant. The place was restored Edwardian elegance, soft jazz playing as I strolled up to the bar and took up a stool.

It was quiet, early evening, and only two drinkers in the bar, businessmen sitting in a booth discussing some papers that were spread out before them. I waited and then saw a woman coming through from the back. She did not appear to have really looked at me, merely saying; "What can I get you, sir?"

Uma looked different. She'd put on a little weight and was more glamorously turned out than the last time I had seen her. The dress she had on looked rather tartier than she would normally have worn as was the bright lipstick and makeup. "Hello, Uma..."

She stopped and looked up at me. "Jesus Christ! What are you doing here?" She looked annoyed.

"I just wanted a word. Please..."

"I don't want to speak to you. You've interfered enough already. Look, I'm grateful for your help but frankly - it just made it worse and I am not going to listen to anything anymore. Just leave me alone, Terry. OK?"

I held up my hands. "I just wanted a pint, love..."

She smiled ruefully. "Lager? Bitter?"

"Lager." I watched as she pulled the pint, and contemplated my next move. "So...why you here? Why didn't you go back to the charity?"

"Someone told me it was too dangerous..."

"Someone told me they didn't give a damn about danger...what the fuck brought you to this dead end place? Doesn't make sense..."

"No? I'm sorry. But I don't give a fuck if it makes sense to you or not actually. It doesn't suit me to go back. My life has taken a turn I didn't expect..." She put down the pint and held her hand out for the money. I placed a note in her palm and told her to have a drink with me. She shook her head and went to ring the till.  That's when it dawned on me what was the problem. Her tiny frame was as slender as ever but as she stood sideways on I realised that there was a slight curve to her belly and something softer about her face.

"Uma...just answer me one question..." She came back with my change and looked at me cautiously. "When's the baby due? You met someone else? That why you stayed here?"

I saw her eyes flare slightly and a blush in her cheeks. There seemed to be a few different emotions in her response. I would learn more from simply watching her than speaking just now. "Yeah...I met someone else. Congratulate me, why don't you?"

She was lying obviously. But I wanted to know why. At least I understood why she was not returning to the camps. She would do nothing to risk her child. But I still was unsure why she had left London and was hiding out in this backwater. Then the penny dropped. "So, Max left you with an unexpected present, did he? What happened? You got it on and he walked out again - or was it you this time, getting revenge?"

"Fuck off!" I had hit close to home. Maximus had fathered this child and presumably knew nothing about it.

"If he is the father, he needs to know..."

At that, she turned on her heel and picked up a phone. "There's a bloke in the bar giving me a lot of hassle..."

"That's security. They're coming to throw you out. Leave me alone! But if you tell him, I will never forgive you. And I will never admit he is the father. He's not going to take my baby again!"

I saw the two bouncers in their ill-fitting suits striding over, eager for a bit of trouble early on in the evening. I stood up and held up my hands.

"I'm on my way out, fellas, no need to get steamed up...Uma...take care..."

Tipping my head at her, I walked out, the two men shadowing me. At the door, I looked back and saw that she was crying, dabbing at her eyes.

It was a pretty dire night out. I went off, had an indifferent dinner and then returned, to sit slumped behind the wheel on a dreary and blustery night. At just past midnight, Uma emerged, fighting with an umbrella against the high wind and driving rain. I started the engine and followed her down the road, pulling up slightly ahead of her and opening the door. "Get in, Uma...!"

"Go away!"

"Get in!"

"I'll call the police!"

"GET IN!"

And she did, slipping in and throwing her umbrella into the back, slamming the door behind her. Inside the warm leather interior with soft music playing, the world seemed to shrink and disappear. Uma lay back on the seat and wrapped her arms round herself; she was wet and exhausted, fraught and fragile.

"Home?"

She shrugged. "Home? What's that?" Then she broke down and cried. I don't handle women's tears well, having some sort of programme inside me that immediately goes into protective overdrive. I leant over, she crawled into my arms and there we sat on that miserable night and I let her weep all the misery out of her. I had the strong feeling that these tears had been dammed up inside her for a long time. There was nothing I could do but offer the comfort of my arms; I had no answers to what was ailing her.

Passing her a handful of tissues, I sat by as she blew her nose and cleaned herself up. "Better?" I smiled.

She nodded. "Always helps to have a good cry." 

"What you gonna do? Want to tell me about it?"

She shook her head.

"A man has the right to know if he's going to become a father. You have to let him know, Uma!"

"I know. He has the right. But...I'm so scared he'll try and take the baby from me again...I won't let him do it!"

I took her hand. "He won't. Believe me, he won't. That's why I'm here. He wants to see you. He wants you and Lily to be close. And, underneath, he wants you back, Uma, he always has. I think he's ready to..."

"...To what? He took me to bed, made love to me and then just walked away! What kind of monster is he? How can I trust him again?"

I took a deep breath. "He's a man. It takes us a while to see the obvious. But I swear he has changed...Christ, Uma...you know what it cost him to tell me this much?"

She looked at me, her eyes bruised. "Then why isn't he here? Why doesn't he come himself and tell me?"

"He thought you would refuse to see him. I don't know what happened when you last met, but he thinks you won't want him near you again. But that's not true, is it, Uma? You don't hate him - you never did..."

"Of course I don't! I never hated him. He's the most wonderful man I ever knew. But he's stubborn and unbending and..."

"No more. He is ready to bend. I think Lily has made him see - she's quite an extraordinary child..."

"You saw her?"

I said I had and told her a little of my visit. Uma relaxed a little and smiled.

"She was perfect to me when I saw her - but then I am her mother, I expected to love her. I thought she was like no other child...but... she thinks I am dead..."

I pulled her face to me, cupping her in my hands. "She wants her mother. Give her a chance and she will love you as you love her."

Her hands went protectively to her stomach - "But my baby..."

"He will not take your child. I promise you he is in a very different place..."

"Why? Why is this so important to you? Why, Terry, do you care about me and Maximus?"

"Everyone has started anew. You were the innocent ones and you've been so damaged. I owe it to you and to your little girl and to this little fella..." I placed my hand over hers to rest on her belly where the tiny curve of her pregnancy was beginning to show. "When's it due?"

"June. I'm three months already. Over the worst, not throwing up so much, putting on a bit of weight..."

"Will you come back with me? To London? I've a hotel room waiting for you and I'll arrange for you to meet him there. If you don't want to tell him about the baby - that's up to you. I certainly won't. You can trust me on that. Listen to him, give him a chance and make it up with your daughter at least. Uma...?"

She agreed. It was as if she couldn't think of any reasons to fight against it any more. But most of all it was because there were only two things she really wanted in life - Maximus and Lily. Even now she would do anything to find her way back to them again.

MAXIMUS

He called me early one morning and gave me the details of where she was staying. "Go easy on her...she's fragile and uncertain. Give her space and take your time and, mate, you let her down again...you'll have to explain that to me. You understand?"

I didn't like his tone but I did not challenge him upon it. I suppose I was grateful that she had one champion in this world to protect her. I had so signally failed to provide her with the care she had needed.

Poised outside her door, I raised my hand to knock but found myself hesitating. Taking a step back, I paced up and down a few time, rehearsing what I wished to say, taking a few deep breaths and talking to myself. Even a man as used to combat such as I was quailing in the presence of this ordeal. A pack of lions with nothing but my short sword would have felt like less of a challenge.

I knocked. She opened the door. It was as simple as that. There she stood, dressed casually in jeans and a loose blouse, her hair a little longer now and held back from her face by a bronze clip. She looked better than the last time I had seen her, less gaunt, but her face was pale now and pinched as if she was expecting a very unpleasant interview and was steeling herself against it.

"Hello, may I?" She stood back and let me into the small suite he had taken for her. The surroundings were somewhat more salubrious than the last time we had met. I paced around and then sat down on an armchair; she perched on the opposite seat and placed her hands demurely on her lap, waiting for me to begin.

"I am grateful that you have agreed to see me. I thought you might not wish to after...the last time. You did not have to agree..."

"I know. Say what you came to say, Maximus. I don't want to beat around the bush."

Her curt answer disconcerted me more. She was not sympathetic and had probably only agreed to this meeting at Terry's request - and with the inducement of her daughter. I suppose her feelings for me, such as they had been, must have changed significantly- and who could blame her?

"About Lily. I wish for you to share responsibility in raising her with me. It was a mistake to take her from you. I know that now."

She thought about my words for a moment before replying. "Lily thinks I am dead. Why throw her into confusion now?"

"She does not think that anymore. I have told her the truth...or well, the truth such as I think her capable of understanding. She wishes to know her mother..."

"You told her? That her mother left her for nearly three years? I'm sure that makes her feel very much better!" Uma replied tartly.

"I gave her no information about why you have been absent. I was not judgmental..."

"Thank you so much. Let's hope she isn't, hey? Then everything is hunky dory just because the master wills it to be so..." Her sarcasm cut deep, but I took it; I deserved it.

I bowed my head and wondered what next to say. "I will bring her here tomorrow if I may and then we will tell her together. It will be better that way. Of course, I will allow you time alone with her whenever you like but I thought initially..."

"Thank you, Maximus. I am grateful for your change of heart. Truly I am. It cannot be easy for you after all this time." Her sudden change of mood surprised me but it was clear to see that she was moved by the approach I was making. "What changed your mind in the end? Why now?" she asked straight out.

There was only one possible truth I could admit to. "Lily. She has taught me many things about life and this world. Things I should have learnt from you but I was too domineering to let you show to me. Uma, you indulged me far too much. A child cannot do that; it is not within their power, no matter how sensitive they are. Believe me, I am a changed man. Too late, I know, but I would not have you think that I still held you to blame. I do not.  I blame myself. I was not the man you needed and I did not try to understand your point of view. I damned you unheard without a chance to defend yourself. I refused to listen to the others who tried to explain. I punished you and Lily for things I wished to do myself. I'm very sorry that I let you all down so badly and I beg your forgiveness --- although I will never deserve it."

The room fell silent; I could not meet her eyes. I half expected her to launch into a tirade of anger at me for all I had done and for believing that a simple apology could ever undo the damage I had wreaked upon my family.

But all I heard was one word. "Maximus..." I looked up and found her looking at me, her eyes soft and spilling tears. "Oh Maximus...!"

I fell on my knees at her feet like a suppliant; she leaned forward and rested her hands on my shoulders. "It was not your fault. It was all of us and that damned spell and life and weakness and stubbornness and misunderstanding and selfishness and jealousy and... and...we cannot go forward if we sink into a morass of guilt and blame. It happened - and perhaps now we have a chance to get some of it right. I will not have you shoulder this all. I have never blamed you. But now I know that it was not just my wrongdoing either. Things are never so black and white as that..."

How could it all be resolved with just a few words? And yet when we both simply spoke honestly, it was as if there was nothing really between us at all. What had been so mammoth an obstacle all these long years?  I loved her and she loved me. We had behaved badly - but the simple truth was in plain sight. We knew what we had done wrong, acknowledged it and did not seek to make the other the bearer of the load. 

"Is it possible that there is still a way ahead for us?" I muttered as I rested my head on her lap and she stroked me like a child.

"There is always a way ahead. You taught me that. You are the man who found the way when all else was lost. You showed me how to bear loss with dignity. You have been my role model. Like you I once had it all and through a combination of circumstances - mostly a malevolent force but partly, too, my own lack of judgement- I fell to the lowest depths and became an outcast in my own world. At first I wished to die and then I picked up the soil beneath my feet and rubbed it in my hands - and faced my future. I could not have done that without you as my inspiration."

I was lost for words. I could only cry. And so I did. Cry for us all, for the wasted chances of life and the squandering of the gifts we had been blessed with. But this time I was not lying on the graves of my loved ones. The gods had given me the chance they had never given me that other time.

"Uma...I love you. Do not let me lose you again...Will you let me back in your life?"

Her slender fingers wiped the tears from my cheeks and she raised my head to look at her. "We must take this slowly, Maximus. Festina lente! I do not wish us to make the same mistake as last time, when we let our natures drive us. Once before you made us wait until we were sure - and you were right. We need to find ourselves again and to make peace with our daughter. Then perhaps we can think about being a man and a woman again."

She was right; I could scarce believe that I was being accorded even this opening. I sat back and rose to stand, pulling her up and raising her to my level. I took her hand and kissed it; she smiled shyly and cast her eyes down in an almost demure, virginal expression. "There's something else, Maximus. Something I should have told you by now. I believe it will come as a shock to you..." She moved the hand from my lips to her body and pressed my palm against her belly. I was not sure what she meant and looked to her eyes for confirmation.

And then she told me - and my heart filled with wonder. Out of the depths of despair can come such sweetness! She had carried her lonely burden for months but she would never walk along that path alone again. May the Gods hear my plea! This time, I will not fail her.

"Perhaps after all I will give you the son you wished for." She whispered as I held her close to me."

"Any child of your body will delight my heart. For how could any child surpass the one you have already bestowed upon me?"

I had learnt my lessons well, taught by a tiny girl.

UMA

We decided to tell her together the following day and I spent the night alone in nervous anxiety about the future. I raked through the meagre possessions that I had, looking for something respectable to wear that would make me look like a mother and managed to put together a half-way decent skirt and blouse ensemble. I went out to a nearby shop and bought her some hair decorations, something small I could tuck into her hand, and then thought they seemed tawdry and cheap- yet anything else seemed to me to feel like I sought to buy her love back. I had a very poor night's sleep and then a queasy morning when my nausea returned and I kept throwing up.

At the appointed time, the knock came on the door and I straightened back my hair, brushed down my skirt and went to open it, my face composed as best I could. There they were, Maximus dressed more casually than the formal suit he had donned the day before to plight his case, now in jeans and a leather jacket with a warm black jumper beneath; Lily was wrapped up in a thick winter coat with a bright purple woolly hat and matching woollen tights. Her little nose was red from the cold. Was any child more beautiful than she?

I smiled hesitantly at Maximus who gave me a look of assurance and I ushered them in. Lily seemed to sense something, looking from one to the other for some explanation of the curious events. Maximus stood whilst I sat down and then he did the same, easing Lily next to him.

"This is the friend I was telling you about, Lily..."

"It's Uma. We met in the park. That day. Hello...are you my father's girlfriend now?"

Maximus and I looked at each other; he grimaced as if to say: 'I said no such thing!' It made me laugh. She was trying to work this one out. Fixing him with my eyes, I asked for permission - and he nodded his assent. "Lily...I wasn't honest with you that day when I met you in the park. I didn't tell you who I was. My full name is Uma North..."

"That's our name!" she gasped. And then I saw the light flare in here eyes and she snapped her head to look at her father. "Is she...is she...?"

"Uma is your mother. She is my wife."

Her mouth fell open and she gasped. I held my breath; I think he did too.

"Why did you go away?" Out of the mouths of babies, indeed. "Where have you been?"

I began to speak the words I had prepared so many times in my imagination for this moment. They seemed so inconsequential when I sat before her critical gaze. "I had to leave. It's very complicated. But I promise I will not leave you again. It was never about you, Lily. I have always loved you..."

"Don't you love my father? Is that why you went away?" Her reply was brutal in its directness and I knew she would not accept any bluff answer. Lily was her father's daughter - and his defender, too. If she thought I had hurt him then she would not forgive me. But what could I say to make sense of it all? "It was not because I did not love your father. It was something else, which is too hard for me to explain..."

"NO! Lily...that is not the truth." Maximus interrupted brusquely and she turned to look at him. "Your mother and I had a very bad quarrel and I left her. I took you and would not allow her to see you. She never wanted to let you go but she accepted my decision because she loved us both. It is my fault, Lily. I was too stubborn to say I was sorry. Do not blame your mother...will you ever forgive me for what I did?"

She was completely nonplussed. Her mother suddenly reappears and her father, who was clearly perfect in her eyes, admits that he had made a mistake. I could see it was almost too much for her to take in. "Why did you quarrel?" she asked all at once.

"That is private, Lily, But it was not about you." Some things are better left unsaid.

"Where did you go?"

"I told you. I went to help other little children who had no mothers of their own. Each child I helped was you. In a way."

"Will you stay with us now? Are you a real Mummy?"

I smiled. "I want to be a real Mummy. I don't know where I will stay but I will see you every day that I can. Will you help me to learn how to be a real Mummy?"

She nodded quietly and then slipped down from her seat. She came to stand in front of me; I held out my arms to her. At first I thought she would not accept my approach; she looked back sharply at her father and he gave her a nod of encouragement. And then she turned back and the next moment she was in my arms and I was crying helplessly at the feel and sensation of her against my breast. She patted my back and hushed me with the words I had so longed to hear: "Don't cry, Mummy. I'm here now..."

The next thing I knew Maximus was holding us both and there we stayed the three of us together, clinging onto each other. Poor child, she must not have known what was happening to her! But she seemed overjoyed and accepting of this amazing occurrence. Children have such powers of imagination and belief in us.

When we had composed ourselves a little, Maximus asked me to move back home. He said it would be for the best and that there was plenty of room. I agreed - I could not let either of them out of my sight again. And so we checked out of the hotel and went home. As simple as that.

Well, perhaps not quite so simple. It was not at all easy to adjust. Miss McAlister took an intense dislike to me and made no attempt to disguise the fact. She thought I was a hussy and that her two charges were in danger of being hurt again by my presence in their lives. Mostly she was jealous and I could understand that. Here was I a strange woman moving into her territory, her kitchen, her charge - even her man - for she quite openly adored Maximus.

It was Max himself who finally broke the ice between the two of us. I had moved into the spare room and had kept myself to myself during the daytime while he was at work and Lily as school. She didn't like me in the kitchen and under her feet, so I stayed in my room reading or went for long walks. I used to buy little knicks knacks for Lily while I was out but everything met with her disapproval; I was encouraging her to be vain or silly headed or old before her time. I held my peace but inwardly raged at her; I was Lily's mother!

Meanwhile things had been progressing nicely between myself and Maximus. When Lily went to bed we would sit and talk, listen to music, even sometimes read to each other, things that we had longed to share over the years. It was affectionate and sweet - but he made no move towards me, nor I to him. We spoke about the baby and made plans for renovating the house to accommodate the new arrival.  So far, Lily knew nothing about her future sibling nor did the Gorgon, McAlister.

I made an appointment to visit my doctor. I really should have done it weeks before. When the date came round, Maximus surprised me by informing me that he would attend with me. He had never done that when I was pregnant with Lily. Whilst I was there, I was scanned and he was present when the clear evidence that I was carrying a son was visible on the 3-D imaging screen. I thought he would break down there and then - he hardly held on. Imagine how the technology itself would have stunned him, not to mention the sight at last of the son he had so longed for!

It changed everything. Not because it was a boy really, but simply because the reality that we had conceived another child blew us both away. We arrived home to an empty house - Gorgon was up in town shopping - and we just let our joy carry us away. Maximus was so happy that he almost appeared drunk on it. He picked me up and swung me around gently, told me that he loved me. It just seemed so foolish to pretend anymore.

He carried me to his bed - our bed - and we lay together all the afternoon, as passionate as we dared be in my condition and more than satisfied just to lie naked in each other's arms and discover the pleasure that the touch and presence of the other brought.

After a while we were both hungry, so I ran downstairs to raid the fridge for some snacks, dressed only in his shirt. As luck would have it, I ran straight into the old bag herself. She worked it out in one.

"I wondered how long it would take you to worm your way into his bed again. I've been watching you play your tricks, you little slut..."

What neither of us knew was that Maximus had followed me downstairs and on that note he stepped into the kitchen, dressed only in a pair of worn jeans that were only half zipped up. He looked like virility personified, his hair slightly ruffled and his body loose and sex-fulfilled. But his eyes were glittering; he was angry at what he had heard.

"You are speaking to my wife in her own home! She is the mistress here - not you. Whatever your feelings are - keep them to yourself. I owe you a debt that would be hard to repay - but I will not have you insult the mother of my children..."

"Children?"

"Yes...we have been blessed again. I would like you to stay and help us with our new son but I never wish to hear you address my wife like that again, do you hear me? Never." He spoke quietly but few people would dare to oppose Maximus when he used that tone of authority - and the Gorgon knew when she was bested. She apologised to me and congratulated us both, telling us that she would be delighted if we would entrust our baby son to her care. And to be fair, from then on she treated me with respect and, slowly but surely, we are coming to a grudging understanding.

It will never be entirely easy for two women to share a house but she is excellent with my daughter, a wonderful cook (for which no doubt, Maximus is grateful!) and gives me a freedom that I never thought to have. I am determined when my son is born to restart my academic life again. It will be a long haul and I may never reach the same heights I once held but Maximus wishes me to try and forge a career at some level. I am amazed daily at how much he has changed.

As for Lily, we have had our ups and downs. One day she is dancing around me like a whirling dervish, giddy and excited. At other times she can be moody and sour, unwilling to take chastisement from me, expecting me to indulge her all the time. But I am firm with her and she is coming to see that she cannot play me and use her love as a weapon to get her own way. She is so like Maximus, instinctively testing her opponent for their weakness. It is a challenge to win back her trust but one that I welcome.

When Maximus and I began to share a bed, at first she did not seem to notice. Once or twice she had found us kissing or touching and she would usually squirm between and push me away from him. Neither of us commented on that. I suppose it was understandable enough and can be found with many daughters and mothers in their instinctive rivalry for the man in their lives.

But one morning early she ran into her father's room and jumped on the bed. I woke with a start and sat up. Maximus was deeply asleep and merely rolled onto his side, pulling me back down into his arms. Lily stared. "Why are you sleeping in Daddy's bed?" She demanded suspiciously.

Maximus heard her voice and opened his eyes- then he groaned. "Lily...go out! You should not simply run in here without knocking. I have told you before..."

"Why is she in your bed?" Lily asked petulantly.

Maximus sat up and rubbed at his beard in thought, then he pinned her in his gaze. "Because she is my wife. And your mother. And it is her place to be at my side. Don't ask silly questions that you already know the answer to."

She pulled a face. "You never said you loved her."

"I love her. And she is your mother...not 'her'."

Lily pouted, turning to me. "Do you love him?" I had to bite my lip to stop from smiling at her cheek. How many people do you know who would take on Maximus?

I nodded. "Very much. Almost as much as I love you. Even if you are very bold and need a lesson in manners. I hope you will show your baby brother a better example than that when he arrives..."

Her eyes widened and she shrieked. "You're having a baby? I'll have a brother? When? When? When?" Her temper tantrum disappeared as she jumped up and down on the bed in glee. Next minute she had slipped in between us and was chatting away about babies and how she had always wanted a baby brother and would he be called Harry because that was her favourite boy's name...

Somehow that day was a watershed. I was her Mum now and we were a proper family. Each day since has been a joy to behold.

 Except for certain moments:

"Mum...how come you're pregnant? Is that like mating? When did Dad put his willy in you? That's so gross..."

But almost worth it to see the expression on his face. And watch him sit through the explanation and all of Lily's questions. Not that he said anything - he left that firmly up to me - and I gave her an accurate and straightforward explanation. He looked more shocked than she did. Now that was a picture and no mistake!

I am full and happy and a wiser woman than I was when this story began. I am in love and proud, basking in the warmth of Maximus' presence and the heart-stopping glory of our children - the one we know and the one we still have to meet.

I don't expect everything in the future will pass without some trial and tribulation but we shall be ready for what life throws at us now. For nothing can ever be worse than being alone.

I have been writing this journal for many years now. It is a detailed record of the strange events that befell my life. I met and love a man who had made a miraculous journey across time; I was bewitched by an enchantment that made me betray him; I chose a path that took me far away from everyone I loved; a good friend shepherded me back home. It is as complete as I can make it and seeks to leave nothing out.

It is for you, Lily. One day you will be old enough to know the truth about your father and about the reasons for my exile. I hope you will judge us both leniently, for neither of us distinguished ourselves in these matters.

But fate brought us back together and gave us a second chance. 

Never give up hope, my darling Lily. Believe in the healing power of real love. They are the greatest lessons I can teach you in life.