NOTE: Originally published as a "Diary" in 6/2003; revised in 12/2005. 
Huge thanks to Teener and Bou for letting me abscond with their characters in this tale!

 

 

ANN

She'd gotten us, but good. And Killick, Teener and I realized that once we calmed down. I mean, come on, who would ever be able to take on Uma and win?

Not us. Not Killick, Teener and I, who really just were not as clever as Uma, nor were we ever in her league in terms of plotting.

So we knew we'd lost. And even though Killick wasn't happy about it, once we all talked it out ... once we brought Bou in and explained, we all agreed. We had to stop the war because we weren't going to win it. And besides, who wants a war when you're in Paradise, right?

It's like Teener said: "Why would a person need to use all their energy scheming when they could be rooting?  Hmmm - where IS Hando?"

So when the other women on the cruise came fuming up to us in the wake of learning from Killick what Uma had done, how she'd faked the whole near-drowning stuff, how she'd conned Terry, Jack, Hando and Stephen into helping her ... well, we told them the truth - let's just all be friends. Let's laugh about it; let's congratulate Uma on a well-earned victory.

"Maybe there was a truth to what she said, girlfriends. Maybe we've really made her feel unwelcome and unloved on this cruise. I mean, who wouldn't be hurt by that? I know I would be. I feel just horrible that she resorted to this because of the tricks we pulled," I said.

From somewhere back in the cluster around me, I heard one of the ladies say in a wavering voice, sounding almost on the brink of tears: "Oh, poor Uma! It just breaks my heart to think how sad this must have made her feel. We have to make it up to her."

The others nodded. Our resident Southern belle took charge. "Okay, that's it. From now on, we show Uma just how much she is loved. Not just by the Brothers, but by all of us. So, here's what we do. First, we all write a lovely apology note, like the ladies we are, and we have Killick deliver them to her. Next, let's arrange with the cook to have a special dinner in her honor tonight. Featuring all her favorite foods."

Bou cleared her throat and we all looked expectantly at her. "You know, I didn't participate in the karaoke the other night, but seeing how much Uma likes it and all, perhaps we could have a little performance in her honor? You know, heal the wounds. Show her what we mean? Even though you all call me the Warrior Queen, I know that peace is preferable to war. I have the perfect song in mind - it has the perfect sentiment for this occasion."

Teener and I looked at each other. We each had sheepish looks on our faces. Finally, Teener said, "Hey, chickas, you know what? The two of us need to do one other thing. We need to make a public apology to Uma. Tonight. We'll do it at the dinner."

"We'll grovel," I agreed.

"We'll beg her forgiveness," Teener said.

Group hug. Another group hug. A few tears. You know how women are. We were pulling together and we were creating harmony where there once was conflict. It's the best part about being a woman. We see the big picture and we know there's just no real excuse for letting things degenerate to open warfare.

So we all did our bits. And while I know that Uma didn't believe it at first, because I think she thought we had something up our sleeves, eventually she came above deck to have the dinner in her honor.

Killick had outdone himself. He'd made a special floral arrangement for her place of honor at the table. He stayed at her beck and call the whole night; he was polite and deferential; he brought her whatever liquor she requested.

You should have seen her face when we rigged for the karaoke. Killick, Teener and I stood before the microphone and we each made the sincerest apology. We each told Uma just how very much we adored her and always would. We each told her how wonderful she was and how very happy we were that she was our friend.

And then Bou got up and sang. It brought the house to its knees. Just imagine, if you will, the Warrior Queen singing perhaps the greatest peace anthem of a generation: Give Peace A Chance.

At first, we just listened. But like the children so many of us seem to be at heart, we were hooting when she got to this stanza:

 

 

But we settled down and just absorbed the underlying message by the time she was wrapping it up.

 

 

I doubt there were many dry eyes, at least among the women, as so many of us helped sing the final chorus. Give peace a chance. Indeed - it was the message of the night. We could hear Uma sniffling.

Teener also sang. Her strong voice rang out so clear in that night; it was pumped with energy, it was pumped with love, it was pumped with the beat that brought us to our feet to join in the singing. It was the perfect anthem; not just for the cruise, but for our little World.

 

 

After that rousing and unifying anthem, we just let a selection of great dance music play on the sound system. Each of the men danced with Uma. We other women had agreed that since this was her night, we'd not dance with the men. Only Uma would have that privilege that night.

It was so beautiful. What a night!

The next day, we made it a girl's bonding day. We went swimming in the morning then all afternoon we went shopping with Uma. We let her tell us the right clothes to wear and we all encouraged her to run up Terry's charge card to fill out her wardrobe. We asked her to help us pick out better lipstick - it was perfect! She has the best taste for that sort of thing. Then we went to this posh restaurant and had cocktails and gossip hour. See? It doesn't get any better than that for female bonding.

And each day after that, we all worked hard to make sure that Uma realized the importance she holds in this wonderful place of ours. I mean, really, when you come right down to it, where would we be without Uma? She is the one, after all.

So, you can just imagine our shock when we all came to lunch two days later to find that there seemed to be a new wind blowing aboard the ship.

I myself was walking arm-in-arm with Uma. We had our heads together and were laughing about some odd plot twist she wanted to write into a novel she was developing. As we approached the tables, the men gave us quite cold looks.

"What's up?" I asked Uma. "The men don't seem too happy with us."

"I have no clue. Wonder what you've done?" she asked.

"Oh, my. You're right. It must be me ... you know how I put my foot in my mouth? I bet I said something stupid and ... Uma, let's just pretend we don't notice, okay? Let's just have lunch and they'll calm down."

But it never seemed to thaw out at lunch. And then, something quite odd happened.

We women were gathered around a table because the Brothers were mostly at another. Lunch was over and we were relaxing with Uma's favorite beverage, gin and tonics, while she explained the best ratio of gin to tonic to lime to ice.

And then one of the women said, "You remember all those sweet things the Brothers wrote about us? When they spoke of how they felt about us?"

We all nodded. Teener and Bou rubbed their hands, obviously remembering those special words.

Bou said: "It made me feel nice. Wonder if they'd like to know what we think of them."

We all twittered. "I think they do. They just have to read the diaries," I said.

But our Southern belle wasn't letting it go. "No, I think Bou's right. I know, why don't we each say what it is about each man that's really special."

"Like who always holds your hand the right way? Or who kisses the best? Or who smells so fine all the time? Like that?" someone suggested helpfully.

"Oh, the best kiss! Let's talk about that," Teener said. "Come on, gals. Out with it - who can lay it on the best?"

"You first," Bou insisted, smiling over at our Southern belle. "It was your idea, after all."

She gave a slight blush and we all giggled as she looked across at John. It's when we realized most of the men were listening in. "Okay, well, I haven't kissed them all and I may be biased. But I think it's John. I figure it's all that time in Alaska; he just has this way of kissing that warms you to the bone."

Well, let me tell you, that set us all off laughing. Those of us who had kissed John, which was all of us, I think ... we all agreed with that assessment.

"Well, I need to stick up for H, although it'll give him a big head..." Teener trailed off, no doubt thinking about what she could do to earn more punishment like what she received in the hotel room.

"He's already got a big head and for that we give thanks," Uma teased, raising her glass in mock salute to Hando; his return glare seemed genuine, however.

Snapping back into the here and now, Teener reminded, "Yeah, but when you're looking for a man who just knows how to get down and play a bit of tonsil hockey? None are better than Hando." More wise nods around the table and a few of us were fanning ourselves at the memory.  "Uh, is it supposed to be this hot today?  Whew..."

But then others spoke up. First: "Now wait just a minute. I'm not dissing your men because they're all great kissers, but can I just say one thing here? What about Bud? What about the way he just takes you over, body and soul, when he kisses you? You don't stand a chance; all you can do is melt and let him have his way with you.

"Ooooh, yeah. Bud..." we heard someone sigh.

"Okay, well, since we're sharing," I said. All eyes turned to me and I blushed. "Well, there's this thing Jack does ... I don't know how to explain it, but he ... well, he's got this way of suckling on your bottom lip and then it's like he almost sits back to wait on you to respond and then as soon as you begin opening yourself to him ... wham! ... he just takes your breath away and yet, it's all so gentle, so precise ..."

"So deep," Uma said.

"Oh, Uma! Okay, then you. Wait! Wait!" I jumped in my seat, excited and eager. "I already know. You've told me before."

She looked at me, blinked once or twice, trying to remember. I smiled indulgently, winked at her.

"Remember once telling me on IM all about how Max kisses? About the way he grabs you by that top lip and then that sigh he does and the way you can feel it all the way to your ..."

"Oh my God! I cannot believe you remembered that!" she giggled. She looked over at Maximus and gave him a big wink. We all chuckled at that. Except Max. He just kind of shifted in his seat. And the other Brothers ... they seemed quite intent on her.

Bou said, "So Uma? Is Maximus the best kisser in your opinion? He certainly is in mine."

It seemed to me, and I might have been imagining it, but it seemed like every Brother leaned forward at that time to hear Uma's answer.

"Well, Maximus is certainly a world-class kisser. There's no question about that. The general's kisses make me think he should be saying 'unleash heaven' when he puckers up," she said. "However ... I have to say ..."

But before she could finish, Terry leapt from his seat and his chair thudded to the deck. We all looked over with alarm. He threw the beer bottle he'd been sipping from and it soared over the deck into the ocean. Our eyes followed its arc and then we turned back to see him stomping over to Uma.

"So, Tink, that's how it is? The General of the Armies of the Pretentious gives the best kisses? Well, fucking great. Just fucking great. Thanks so much for letting us all know."

Uma jumped to her feet and tried to grab his arm; he shook her off. "Oh, but Terry ..."

"Do you ever think, Uma? Ever? Do you ever even listen to yourself? Every other woman here is saying her Number One is the best. But not you. Oh, no. You got that big a thing for the General? Great. Have at it. I've had enough of you," Terry shouted at her and then he stomped off, heading for the ladder down to the cabins.

Dead silence on the deck. At first, no one knew what to do. Poor Uma. 

Then, we women all jumped up to console her. Poor Uma! What was wrong with Terry? How could he do that to her?

And then the other Brothers got into the action. Served her right, they said. She never knows when to keep her mouth shut, they said. 

"For Fuck's sake, all she does is play mind games, eh?  She gets what she deserves," Hando scoffed.

She says anything to make a man believe her, the men all agreed. She just wants every Brother to think she's so misunderstood but the truth is she just says what she thinks will get her what she wants from each of us, they said

We women would not allow that. We told them - they were being grossly unfair. And mean. And hateful. How could they say such things about one of us women?

"Hando, you're a fine one to talk about games...all of you brothers...there isn't one innocent one in the bunch!"  Teener sneered.

I was holding Uma's hand; Bou was hugging her; Teener was helping us shelter her from the abuse. Suddenly, she pushed us away and we watched our poor, forlorn friend trudge away, down the steps. We all felt so horrible. She had to go find a way to make this up to Terry and every one of us knew what a challenge that would be - Terry would be hard to cajole out of this. But I know we all believed she'd figure it out - she's Uma after all.

But how hard it must have been for her knowing that it wasn't just Terry who was angry with her - that all the Brothers had turned on her!

How could it be? It seemed impossible. Every single Brother was furious with her and feeling very hurt by her words at that point.

After she left, we united as women and we told the men that Uma must be given the benefit of the doubt. And then they told us about the email she'd inadvertently sent to all of them that morning.

"Email?" I said. I blinked in the harsh sun and looked at Jack. "What email, beloved?"

So Jack told us. Perhaps I should explain first. Uma has this unfortunate habit that we're all aware of. One of her little quirks we think is so endearing. Sometimes, at the most inopportune times, she sends an email to the entire group of people when she was meaning to only send it to one person. I can't tell you how many times she's been embarrassed by that. And this time? Oh, it was the worst.

The email she sent out to all the Brothers had been one she'd only meant to send to Max, apparently. It was the reply to a reply to a reply to one she'd sent originally - it told in great and loving detail about how his kisses sent her like a rocket into orbit. And there was a lot of flirting and innuendo in the succeeding emails. The Brothers were a bit circumspect on that but they were all firm on one detail - she had told Max in no uncertain words that he was the best kisser, that he simply did it for her in a way no one else could. Maximus looked a bit confused, said he didn't know anything about the email.

They all frowned at him and it was obvious none of them believed him.

"Well, but so what? What difference does it make to you what she feels about how Maximus kisses?" one of the women asked. Good question, we all said.

The men all stammered about until finally Bud fessed up: "Yeah, but I heard that Uma said I was the best kisser." 

"Ohhhhh no, boyo - no matter what she's told you blokes or what she's said in her diaries...she has it bad for me.  She told me so!"  Hando confidently threw his shoulders back.

All the men began speaking at once. Apparently, they had each heard over the past few days that Uma had shared with us women that each of them were the best kisser. Each man ... thinking Uma thought he was the best ... oh my!

"I mean, the things she said ... Well, it's fucking real clear now. She just says things like that to get us fucking Brothers on her side. Like how she got me and Jack and Stephen to help with this fucking scam she pulled on Ann and Teener," Hando said, his voice loud and angry.

Teener and I looked at each other, our eyes wide and our mouths open in shock.

"What do you mean, Hando?" Teener asked.

And then it all came out. How Uma and Terry had gotten Jack, Stephen and Hando to help fool us all. How she had told them all about how evil Killick, Teener and I were. How she felt scared that Teener and I were going to get all the women to gang up on her. How sorry they felt. Poor Uma - all alone against all of us. They just had to shelter her. She was poor Uma. And they wanted to teach us a good lesson about pulling such nasty, spiteful pranks on sweet Uma.

I lost not a moment. I walked right up to Jack, stroked his big chest and cooed to him, loud enough for all to see that I was not in the least threatened or upset by this. "Oh, Jack. You are such a sweet man. Of course you would feel sympathy for Uma. I would have thought so badly of you if you hadn't. This just makes me love you all the more."

And I reached up for one of his kisses.

Behind me, I heard Teener trying to coo to Hando in her own rather distinctive style. Something about how he'd been taken advantage of by Uma ... but how she liked what that said about his big heart but also about something else quite big that he'd been endowed with at birth. Of course, Hando would not be so easily calmed...it would probably require a few anger management techniques and a helping of Shag a la Teener.

See? Teener and I - we had learned our lesson. No fighting was ever worth it on the cruise. We could turn the other cheek. We could be big girls. We could be sweet.

We could be.

But we chose not to be.

And here's why: if we had, Uma would have succeeded in turning our men against us and making us look like we were the aggressors when it was she who had been. We were the victims.

It took us no time at all to know that whatever we did to give Uma a taste of her own medicine had to be clever, it had to be undetectable and it had to strike where it hurt.

Here's the truth: I am not a military historian like Uma. Teener is not a warrior like Uma. Killick is not a tactician like Uma.

But here's another truth: my own personal philosophy is - don't get mad when you can get even.

And I've got a few skills. So does Teener. And so does Killick.

So in the wake of Uma's wonderful and effective military operation, we did the one thing that has confounded organized armies for all times - we resorted to guerilla tactics. We started our covert campaign with the public apology. We made it good and we made it sincere and we hid among the non-combatant population like good guerillas. We lured the organized military into complacency when the expected counterstrike never occurred; we let the military force believe we'd been overwhelmed by their superior weapons. We had the bonding session as the military force believed it was its duty to mop up the damage and rebuild our crushed countryside.

And then we began our propaganda campaign. Each of us had targets. Mine were Max, Jack, Hando and John. Teener's were John, Hando, Cort and Bud. Killick's were Cort, Bud, Max and Jack.

This was a critical point. We all said the same bit of propaganda. Each man had to hear it twice so he'd believe it - he heard it initially and then it was confirmed by a second, seemingly independent source.

The message: during the course of the cruise, Uma had confided in us that the man in question was undoubtedly the best kisser. (I earned many an in-depth kiss out of that by asking for proof, but that's perhaps not important here.)

We also paid particular attention to the military force's chosen allies. No hard sell, no concerted attempt to turn them to our side. Simply a few nice methods of getting them to see that we were not a threat. And that we were such sweet people, we meant no harm; in fact, we wanted the conflict to be over.

Next, we engaged in the covert activity of turning one of the military force's allies into a double agent. That was our biggest coup. Uma had used our men against us in her foray; we would use hers to help us conduct a few of the more critical covert activities. We needed Terry's help and Teener got it. Terry had to do a few very vital things for us. First, he had to keep Uma occupied during the propaganda campaign so that the other Brothers weren't coming to her to tell her how much they appreciated the compliment on their kissing skills. Terry didn't complain about this aspect, from what Killick told us.

We also needed Terry to log in as Uma, since he knows her password, and send the email string that I created. The string looked for all the world like a series of increasingly passionate messages between Maxie baby and Uma. Terry sent it out for us the morning of the lunch blow up. Then he kept Uma out of harm's way, so that the first time the men could confront her on the conflict between what they'd heard about and what they'd just read would not happen until we were all together as a group. The rest of us made sure the men remembered to check their email sometime between breakfast and lunch.

Finally, Terry had to stage the argument. And to milk the subsequent make up session that Uma would initiate. Killick noted that Terry certainly didn't complain about that either. And Teener's big job was getting one of the other women interested in asking the question that led to the actual discussion on the best kisser.

And, in the wake of that fiasco, when the military force left us a clear playing field in the wake of its retreat to deal with domestic issues, it left the guerilla forces the wonderful opportunity to unite its people in the doctrine it had espoused: "Don't be fooled by Uma. She is playing you."

Finally, we gained the non-combatant's undying loyalty to our cause by being gracious and focusing on their needs in the wake of realizing that the military force had shafted them.

And, over the coming days, we kept our cool. We were sweet to all sides. No one suspected a thing.

Until ... until the time came.

And this is the time. 

Our cause was just. Our cause was right.

Killick, Teener and I took Uma out for drinks last night. We told her the truth. And we told her we'd come clean the next morning to everyone else. And that's what we did.

But let us also tell you what else we told Uma.

We told her how we really feel.

We love Uma. Uma loves us ... well, perhaps Uma loving Killick may be a stretch but in their own way, they do love each other ... it's just not the way most people would define it.

Seriously now, none of us have ever had any doubt about how we feel about each other. But Uma needs to be in motion; she cannot sit still. Peace is not her favorite activity. We know that. We knew she needed us to come back with something after all that effort she put into starting the war. We knew she would be disappointed if we hadn't. It's the only reason we did what we did. And it's the only reason we told her what we did - because, well, she just wouldn't have felt as special as she did if she didn't eventually learn of all the work we went to on her behalf. That's right, we did it for Uma. All of it. Just for her.

And when we told her that? She cried. She really did! We all hugged, we all blubbered, we all looked like idiots. Especially Killick - I mean, I adore the man, but he is not at his best when he's blubbering.

But when we started laughing, well, that was the real catharsis. We laughed until we cried over some of the shit we had pulled during the cruise. But here's the most important thing: we left that bar as friends. And, I tell you what, if that's not a scary thing, I don't know what would scare you. Just imagine if the four of us ever decide to gang up on any of the rest of them? They wouldn't stand a chance.

And that's the truth.  

            

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