The lights are always so bright inside Louis Armstrong International Airport. I spend too much time here, whether flying in and out or waiting for visitors. I think I now know each square of tile on the floor and which ones to avoid because they reflect the lights from the overhead domes a bit too glaringly up into my eyes.

I am at the airport again. I am not feeling at all steady. I wonder why I am even here.

I wish I was anywhere but here. I am thrilled to be here.

I could so easily be flying out of here for parts unknown. I should do it. I would never have to return. I may never willingly leave again.

I would give anything to be someone else this evening. I am embarrassed. I am angry. I am looking for anything but pity or sympathy.

I turn to leave. I cannot move.

I wish I had the ability to wipe my mind clear. I hate that I can never run away. I like that I stay and fight. I despise losing more than just about anything.

It's impossible that it could have happened. I should have known better.

Aware of only the way I felt, wrapped within his arms yet knowing somewhere within myself that another man was nearby. Terry's lips were on mine and he brought me into this awareness. He wanted me to be brave; he wanted me to be adventurous.

It's what he was whispering in my ear. Do it for me, he said as a parting comment.

He turned me in his arms and I looked into blue eyes across the room. Felt a smile of recognition. Dino. My buddy. It will be all right, Dino told me as he approached. This is more for you than for us, he said.

Terry's hands came around from behind me and he began unbuttoning my blouse. Let me show you, he said to Dino. Meet my Annie the way I see her. The way you haven't before.

Caught between two hard and impossibly masculine men. I didn't feel very safe then, Diary. It was as if I were watching from outside myself. Like I could see Terry's face even though I was turned from him.

Like a flickering candle that would flare and then settle down, doubts kept creeping in. I kept wondering how this had come about. I was wondering about more than how we three came to be together here, but ... how had these two men come to this decision to be here together with me? I had no doubts, I never had, that they had done things like this in the past with other women. I just would never have thought it possible they would have shared a woman one of them had sole possession of beforehand.

I could never have imagined before this, not in my wildest dreams, that Terry would be willing to share one of his "conquests" with his friend Dino.

I had imagined they had done things like this in years past with whores or with barflies they picked up just for this purpose. I had imagined that doing something like this would have been more about violating a taboo together, breaking convention and proving to each other they could and would. I had imagined it would be more about each other, more about their own relationship, more about some male bonding between two men out to egg the other to share in illicit acts ... I had imagined it would have been more about all these kinds of things than it would have ever been about the woman they would share. I had imagined she never would have mattered to either as much as they mattered to each other.

Why and how ... the candle of my doubts flared briefly ... why and how had they talked me into this? Why was it I didn't seem to care to remember that?

Was it possible that it had been me who had talked them into this? I didn't recognize this as a desire I would have wanted to have had fulfilled ... but maybe it was me who had suggested it.

These thoughts flared briefly inside me and would settle down as I would realize that none of it mattered in that moment. What mattered were the sensations I was experiencing and that I wanted to take it all in as well as I could. With just a bit of concentration, I would extinguish the flame of doubt and simply get back into what was happening between us all.

When he had my shirt unbuttoned, Terry slipped it from my shoulders and tossed it somewhere across the room from where we were standing. My eyes followed the blouse and I didn't recognize where we were. Details were fuzzy and I figured we must have been in a hotel room. I felt like I was floating; looking down, I watched Dino's hands come slowly up my skin until their warmth invaded my breasts.

"Taste her," Terry ordered. "Make her come."

Insane with desire. It's how I felt. I leaned back against Terry's safe chest as Dino's mouth left wet areas behind where he licked me. On his knees before me, our eyes locked and he was smiling up at me, telling me to spread my legs a bit more.

"Tell me how you like this," his voice asked me.

Terry answered for me. My voice didn't seem to be working during this entire time. "Start slow, mate. Make her beg for it. She likes having to work for it, turns her on to think you might play with her. Tease around her clit, feel how it vibrates as she gets ramped up. She'll start really dripping when your tongue gets up inside her but it's when you suck on that clit again that she fucking comes undone."

Oh. God. I felt lost. And then I was coming undone, whimpering without solid words, shoving myself into Dino's mouth and clutching around Terry's neck. Coming without a sound; shaking hard; wondering why if I was crying, then how my cheeks could be dry?

Terry's breath across my neck; his mouth at my ear: "That's my girl. Annie, you've never been better. I want to watch. Wanna see how you look when you're like this. When it's just you and me, I forget to just enjoy seeing how you are."

I felt his body leave my back and I shivered at the loss of his body heat. But Dino was there with me and it was all right. We were at the side of the bed. Dino sat on the edge and I found myself staring at Terry, standing right there by us and absorbed in what was happening. Terry moved closer and I felt calmer when his hand smoothed down my arm.

Looking back at Dino and he was unclothed. How had that happened?

"Annie girl? You like what you see of Dino? Like that nice cock of his?" Terry asked me. I stole a glance down at the body part in question and licked my lips. It was the only response Terry needed from me. It was a response that seemed to make Dino a bit harder. I saw the pearl of first real excitement gather at the tip. "Wanna see you take him in your mouth, baby. Show me how it looks when you wrap those sweet lips around his cock. Bend over and show me your technique. Put on a good show for me, Annie."

Bending at the waist. Dino's hands on my face, bringing me down to where he could kiss my mouth first. Long, languid. I started thinking about the election and then chased that nightmare out of my mind. Why was I doing that? I told myself to concentrate. Pulled my lips from Dino's mouth and bent to where I wanted them to be instead. Where these men wanted me to be. Found myself enjoying this more than I would have expected. I felt powerful. He tasted good to me. I felt weak.

Dino groaned and leaned back on an elbow. "Fuck, Terry, my old buddy. You weren't kidding. Uhn. Oh, good God, Annie, you got such a sweet mouth, girl."

By the time I had his cock in my mouth, I wondered why I was smelling peaches. A vision of peaches, dripping with sweet juice ... and suddenly I was in another place. Sucking hard as I rose each time, moaning with wild pleasure as I went back down and used my tongue to drive him. Dino had one hand on my head and his hips were slowly bucking under me.

Terry was whispering in my ear, giving me hints on what Dino wanted next. Asking me to do it for him. It was like he was in my mind; there but not the one upon whom I was most concentrating.

Big hands on my waist and Terry's knee was widening my stance but pretending to be rubbing me to a new level of excitement. He was behind me again and I knew he wanted to be an active part of this. I should have known Terry would never be just a voyeur. Dino had two hands on my head, keeping my mouth firmly in place latched on to his dick and the only way I kept my balance was to wrap my arms around his waist.

"Christ, baby. Tell me this is okay. Tell me this is how you want it." Terry behind me, spreading my legs, arching my back up so he could get my pussy to the right height for him to invade me. Rubbing his pulsing head along the wetness of my slit. When I moaned and wiggled in languid encouragement, he cooed to me in his sex voice: "I know, I know. You want this, love. That's right. And I just gotta have you like this."

Inside me in a slow, steady, relentless drive. I felt his hardness fill me completely. Muffled groan from me that I think Dino felt to his very root.

We established a rhythm. Or, rather, Terry dominated the rhythm and I sucked Dino in time to it.

"That's my girl. Fuck, oh, fuck. Feel good, baby?" Terry said, his voice rough as the loss I was trying to forget.

Couldn't answer. Did he expect me to?

Something happened. Time skipped. Memory stretched. Dino loudly proclaiming to Terry that he was coming but it wasn't news to me. I swallowed as if I was caught in the grip of a great thirst. Lapped up every drop. It didn't quench the thirst I felt.

And then Dino pulled me with him to hold me as Terry thrust steadily into me from behind. Dino's hands played with my throbbing clit and his mouth sucked on mine.

Coming hard. Coming with no reserves. Coming with total abandon. Trusting these two men with myself. Trusting them like I'd never trusted before. Trusting in their friendship.

"God, baby, you came so hard," Terry was muttering in my ear, his pace slackened as my aftershocks gripped us both. "But I want more of you. We've come this far, Annie. How much farther you willing to take it?"

Feeling his fingers on my ass, sliding toward my other entry. Wiggling in anticipation. Smiling at Dino and hearing him tell Terry it was okay. Wetness of oil being massaged there, slick but warm.

Another leap in time that lost me. Up in the bed. Dino sitting up against the headboard. On my knees over him. Terry's cock pressing against me. His thumb still rubbing methodically, easing my instinctive tensing. The way it felt as he finally entered me. Indescribable. Unbelievably erotic.

I buried my face in Dino's chest and let him soothe me. Always thus. Wanting it even knowing what a powerful experience it would always be.

Fingers on my clit, helping me gain an extra measure from this. I tried to figure out whose hand it was down there but just then I had only so much ability to concentrate. Extraneous thoughts snuck in around the black hole in my brain that was absorbing this like a sponge.

"Good girl," Dino whispered to me.

"Ah, Christ," Terry moaned.

I remained silent. My voice ... still no words from me.

"Tell me how it feels," I heard Dino ask Terry.

"Like heaven," his hoarse voice responded. And then he was steadily increasing his thrust and I couldn't hear myself moan but I knew I was responding loudly because Dino was stroking my face and asking me how good it was, telling me how wet I was, begging me to come on his hand.

It was the images I had through closed eyes. The way our bodies seemed designed to glide in each other's sweat.

And I told myself again: this isn't possibly happening.

Too weak to resist when it built up to a pressure I couldn't withstand. Hoping they understood how it had been for me to be with them in this way. Wishing they could see how much I gave up of myself in order to be able to face doing this. Knowing there was no way they'd know all the inhibitions I'd had to release to do this with them.

And after I came, Terry's whimpers built to shuddering groans that echoed inside me for so long as he came into me with great spurts. He collapsed on me, spent of passion. We laid like that, the three of us in one huge bundle. I lost track of where this was supposed to be going. Maybe it was over.

What's the stage of sleep where there are no dreams? That's where I went.

Heat. I was so hot. Sweating. Dying of thirst. I woke with a slow drag of deep breath. Realized it wasn't Terry's body atop me making me sweat.

Blankets. Too fucking many blankets. Who had put all these blankets on this bed? I could barely breath for their weight on me.

Shoved them off me with arms and legs. Laid there in bed and let the air conditioner rustle across my pajamas and eat up my sweat.

That was when I realized I was alone in the bed. Sat up to get oriented and it felt like my head would explode. Huge moan and my hands shoved in atop my temples in a futile attempt to stop the hammering going on in there.

"What the fuck?" I whispered.

Heard a grunt across the room and cracked one eye open in time to see Dino, sitting in the armchair in my bedroom, stretch awake.

He gave me a crooked smile and his eyes didn't mask his concern. "How you feeling this morning, sweetheart?"

Totally bewildered. What had happened to the hotel room? How had I come to be in my bedroom? I should have remembered that, shouldn't I?

"Where's Terry?" I asked Dino and my voice made my eyes ache. Or maybe it was the sunlight filtering through my shades.

Dino looked at his watch. "His plane's not due in here for about ten hours yet."

"He's not here?" I asked him and he smiled in amused confusion. "What day is this?"

"Sunday. The morning after."

What was going on? Diary, I was hopelessly confused. Was I trapped in a time shift? What had happened the night before? Was he lying to me? Were they trying to Gaslight me?

Felt my stomach suddenly drop and I was out of the bed in a flash, running for the toilet. Nothing but dry heaves. It was all I had left to give. Behind me, Dino's voice: "If you feel up to it, why don't you take a nice warm bath, Ann? I'll make you some hot tea and fix you a few pieces of toast. You need something in your stomach no matter how badly it feels."

"Water first, Dino. I need some water. And some ibuprofen."

Heard his feet pad out of my bedroom. I crawled to the tub and started the water flowing. When there was enough in, I shoved my pajamas off and slipped over the side of the tub without standing up. Sunk beneath the warm water like it was the only thing that would bring me back to life.

The hangover from hell. The absolute worst hangover I'd had in so many years that I'd begun to imagine I might never get another one this bad. A hangover I'd earned. A hangover I didn't seem to so much regret as accept as my due.

Floating, free from care, in my big bathtub and the night before rushed back over me. Two years of my life had come to an end with the election that day and it felt like my spirit was just gone. We'd done everything we could and we'd still lost the election. I was definitely taking this loss hard.

Hard enough to have had an illicit dream after a night tying on a drunken orgy of provocative behavior. This time, Diary, I really did know which part of that night had been just a dream. There had never been a threesome, of course, and I wondered why I'd dreamed it into being.

And poor Dino. He must have been with me through it all. There as I'd rushed headlong into getting smashed. There to pick up the pieces and make me go home. Must have had to nurse me while I was ... God. He was such a good man even though he tried to play like he was a cad. He'd obviously slept in that chair in my bedroom to be sure he was there to help me if I'd had more problems in the night.

By the time he brought me toast and tea, I'd drunk two bottles of water and gulped down four ibuprofen. I was almost alive. Sitting up in my bed and trying to smile at my nursemaid.

"How bad was I last night?" I asked Dino. Looking in his eyes. "No. Don't answer that. I think I remember most of it. God. Dino, I am so sorry."

He lowered his body gingerly to my mattress. Aware enough of my misery to try hard not to jostle my still precarious body. His hand patted my leg; it was safely covered by a single blanket. "You have nothing to feel sorry for, Ann. No one was there to witness it but me and a bar full of strangers. You needed to let loose. You've been strung much too tight and you needed to release it all."

"I'm sorry I came on to you like that," I whispered around the toast, swallowing hard around both my apology and the dryness in my throat.

He gave me a grin. "I took it as a compliment, Ann. Besides, I knew I just happened to be convenient. I never took it seriously."

"Really?" Whispering still. "Then why ...?"

"Nothing happened. Not really. We both know that. Don't we? You remember it the right way, eh?" Suddenly turning serious on me.

The dream flooded over me. In that one clear moment of recognition, I thought I knew where it came from. I'd never have thought I was capable of seeing myself with him in that way. The night before, in my excess, he had crossed the line from my thinking of him as a buddy to my being able to visualize him as a sexual object.

"Yes. Exactly. That's how I remember it as well."

We had spent the day before working the final "get out the vote" effort in election headquarters. Directing volunteers out walking neighborhoods where our pollster said our strongest percentage of 'yes' voters lived. Coordinating the canvassing of sample polling precincts to see if we were turning out a greater percentage of voters in the precincts that should vote for us than were going out to the voting booths in the precincts identified as heavily against us. Dispatching the teams who had to replace the campaign signs our dogged opponents were taking down as fast as we could put them up. Down to the last and they were still the same petty, malicious bastards.

It was the last few hours of the nastiest, meanest, most bitter campaign in which I'd ever been involved. So said everyone working the effort with me. And being as how this was Louisiana, that's saying volumes about just how wicked the final two weeks had been.

When it started turning really ugly, I was alone. I hadn't planned it to be that way, but I'd screwed up my schedule in the Game so much in the confusion that I had no one with me. When Terry sent me an email asking if I was lonely, I'd been honest enough to tell him the truth. He and Dino were supposed to be going on a visit together; I'd asked him if he could send Dino down to keep me company. Two reasons really: the woman had told me she didn't much fancy Dino so I figured she wouldn't mind; and I thought someone like Dino could be a real resource to me. I'd joked with Terry that I'd send him out on some search and destroy missions.

Dino had gotten there that same evening I'd sent the email to Terry and I hadn't really thought it possible he'd be there, and especially not that soon. I hadn't even had a moment to check my email to see Terry's response that he was dispatching "one red-haired devil" to me.

Terry's email also read: "Not sure I really approve of this. Strictly business, Annie - you got that? You wouldn't want to see my bad side now, would you? It's a while since I had you over my knee."

I'd shown it to Dino when I read it. We'd both hooted over it. Imagine Terry thinking any hanky-panky would happen between us, I said to Dino.

My clothes feel indecent. I feel indecent in them. Men check me out. Women don't approve.

I am now sitting in a little deli inside the airport. Terry's plane is late; it's now due in something like thirty minutes. I am so glad I listened to Dino and slept most of the day. I feel so much better because my body's no longer feeling the affects of my binge of the night before. I feel worse because my mind's clearer.

I have dressed just for Terry. He asked me to wear this outfit and I have every desire to grant him any wish. All I want is for him to be here with me. All I am scared of is for him to be with me.

Fifteen minutes before his plane is due to land, I rise and walk over to the arrival screens. His flight's still due at the same concourse. Still due in fifteen minutes. I am growing more nervous. I am always nervous when I am about to see Terry. I remain nervous for so long after first seeing him each time he visits. I like being nervous and scared when he's around me. I don't know why this is but I think on it often.

Out comes my compact and I examine my details since that's all I can see with a small mirror. My eyes are green. There are no red tinges in the whites. My lips are an understated burnt umber and no lipstick has smeared on my teeth. I put the compact away and take a breath mint from the tin in my purse. I suck on it hard for I want it dissolved by the time he gets here. When it's gone and he's still not here, I suck on another.

Then I see him and I chew away the remains of the breath mint. Swallow it down and feel some measure of comfort that at least my breath won't stink when he kisses me. I need him to kiss me hard. Really hard.

I need him to hold me. Hold me secure.

I need him to make me forget.

I need him.

He sees me as he comes striding easily through the security gate. He walks so fine. Women check out his ass. They can't help themselves. I do the same thing whenever I think he won't see me. I cannot help myself.

He is dressed in nice dark olive-colored slacks. I notice how they hang on him just right. He is wearing a black polo shirt. I notice his neck, chest and arms. I know he's dressed this way just for me.

I know why he's not smiling. He knows I like his tough guy look. He knows I like being scared of him. He knows I like the way he takes care to chase away my fears of being with him.

He reaches me. He reaches for me in one smooth move with one deft arm. His eyes have already learned all they need to learn about how I am feeling.

My arms go instantly around his neck as his arm pulls me to him. My mouth is open before his lips even touch mine and our first kiss should never be one given in public. But I don't care. I need this from him.

I feel his other arm reach around behind me; the hardness of his laptop case presses in against my ass. It is how he brings me into contact with his groin; it is his way of making sure I feel him respond to me.

He wants to pull out of the kiss. He wants to say something to me. I know he wants to ask me how I am. I don't want to talk about how I am. I just want him to kiss me harder. My hand behind his head drags his mouth much more firmly into mine. I feel my teeth scrape his lips and I don't care. But he gets the message.

He doesn't let go of me. He kisses me so hard and thoroughly that I finally am okay with the kiss. His arms are like vises around my body. I am so glad he understands my need in this moment. I am scared by how easily he reads my needs.

I am the one to break the kiss. I bury my face in the crook of his throat. My fingers play in the hair at his nape. His grip is lifting me onto my toes and he is making nonsense noises in my ear.

I have not cried yet. I won't cry. I refuse to cry. I need to cry. But I won't. 

Does he know better than to ask me how I am, Diary? I say a prayer.

"You wore the suit," he whispers to me finally.

I smile into his skin and know I will be all right now. Leaning away from him so I can see his eyes. "Told you, amant, your wish is my command."

"Just the suit. Right?" He asks it in the perfect hoarse whisper.

"You'll just have to find that out for yourself," I say back, loving the way my voice sounds so sassy. We can both pretend now.

Quick groan from him and any smile he is holding in check flees in the face of his tough guy study of my body. I feel his fingers slide down my hip and come to rest on my leg; they're just an inch lower than the hem of my suit's skirt. Somehow they feel as indecent as the length of my skirt.

This is a suit I wore once when he was visiting. It's my presentation suit and for anywhere but New Orleans, I do believe the skirt would be totally unacceptable in a boardroom. But here, we creatives are allowed to follow different rules. The jacket is a pretty standard cut and lie, single breasted, falling to maybe six inches above the skirt's hem. Normally, I wear a staid blouse or silky chemise underneath the jacket. But Terry talked me into wearing it once without a shirt and just that little change turned him on even more because when he came close to adjust my lapels, he was able to peer down the front and see the rise of my breasts.

I had teased him in my email, the one asking him to send Dino here. I told him I had worn the charcoal-colored suit to a meeting that day and thought of him. How I had also been wearing my red suede pumps, the ones that made my calves look so good. And how he had been right - that wearing thigh-high hose in our climate was indeed so much cooler. Told him I just might wear this suit when I came to pick him up at the airport.

His emailed response: "Glad to know you are wearing the hose and keeping those hot places cool. Warming them up is my job, remember? Got a pretty hot place of my own that could do with your cool fingers. Memories, hey? Wear the suit. Just the suit. We won't make it out of the car park."

He takes my hand in his and tries to hide from me that he's still examining me to be sure he understands my mood and my needs. I see what he's doing and it is still possible for me to be all right if he will stop doing that.

"Shall we go?" I ask him, giving him the rise of a smile but looking at him through my lashes for I no longer can watch him watching me. I don't know if I'm going to make it. "Luggage?"

He nods at me and then pulls me along with him. His hand that grips mine feels so strong. Like it could crush my hand if he wanted. I like the way all the men in this group have this capacity - like there's a latent ability to cause violence but their very masculinity is heightened by their ability to hold that in check.

Well, not all the men. How could I so easily dismiss Hando in that regard? Not that he can't hold his violence within; it's just that he is haphazard about it and he enjoys using it casually.

We stand at the luggage carousel and for the hundredth time, I tell him that my friend designed the luggage delivery system. He listens patiently. This makes me more nervous.

I wrap my arm around his waist and snuggle into him. I feel him rest his cheek against my temple. He still has a grip on my other hand. We stand together in this way; it feels like we could start dancing any moment. But instead all I want to do is dance around my own feelings.

Make me forget, Terry. Help me remember.

He whispers in my ear. He makes a shiver slide down my spine. He makes my nipples hard. He makes me wet. "I'm going to fuck you before we drive out of the car park. I expect you to be ready for me, Annie."

I close my eyes, swallow on a moan. "I'm ready for you, Terry."

But he doesn't hear my reply because by then he's left my embrace to pick up his suitcase as it nears us on the carousel's conveyer belt.

He is holding my hand again as we walk across the skyway and head for the parking garage. I have parked on the fourth floor. I have chosen the spot where I parked on purpose. The only light fixture anywhere near my car has burned out and my car is nestled right up against the blank cement wall. We will have the cover of darkness. It is not a question of if we will have sex. We will do it. We will do it there.

We will do it because he knows I need him to demand it of me. We will do it because I demand he force me. I need the debasement of doing it here; of having a man I love desire me to be nothing but a slut who would fuck him here in this dirty, dank garage. I need to be pressed against my mud-streaked car, to have my clean suit covered in the muck I've been driving through, to have my body invaded rudely.

For this very reason, I have not washed my car. I appreciate the symbolism.

If possible, I want him to force me to lie face down over the hood of the car. I want him to take me from behind. I want him to do nothing more than unzip himself, yank up my skirt and have at me. I want him to pull me back onto his cock. I want him to say dirty things to me. I want to feel the grimy hood against my cheek as he shunts me across it until I finally come in horrified silence on his big cock and he then comes in me with a triumphant grunt.

But he has other ideas and I should have known he would know me better than I know myself this night as I try to hide from myself harder than I'm hiding from him.

He makes me wait as he takes my keys from me and clicks the opener to release the back hatch. He places his suitcase and laptop case inside my car then pockets my keys. He takes my purse from me and places it next to his laptop. I watch how precisely he places it there. He closes the hatch noiselessly and when he turns to me, I feel myself breathe funny. Like it's suddenly so close in there where we are.

His hands slide along my jaw and he walks into me, kissing me as he backs me up to the side of my car. His entire body aligns itself with mine, like it was designed just for me. I sigh as he releases me from the kiss. I keep my eyes closed and wait.

His lips touch me on my chest, just above where the lapels of my jacket criss-cross. His lips roam up to my throat and I lean back against the car as he marks me along the side of my neck. I spread my legs and let him nestle in closer to me.

I reach down to massage his increasing hardness through his slacks. I imagine how he looks there. I want to go on my knees and suck him. I would be glad to have him in my mouth at the same time I would feel these silky hose covering my knees become covered in oily residue left behind by the too many cars who have parked here.

He presses his knee up into my private spot. The spot he's promised to warm. He's doing such a good job and I tell him so. He replaces his knee with his hand and murmurs his approval to me. His fingers invade me. We both gasp when I seem to almost spasm around him.

"Open your eyes, Annie," he orders me. I comply. And just in time to watch him take the hand that had been between my thighs up to his mouth. He licks his fingers slowly, one at a time, savoring my taste. I am so glad he has made me see him do that.

When he does things like that, I can see the roughness in him that he hides from me less often than when I first knew him. I think he often wants me to only see how smooth he is. I think he sometimes is afraid to show me this side of him, no matter how many times I tell him and show him that I like nothing better than the fact that he feels safe enough with me to let me see his other sides. I wish he knew how these glimpses make me feel trusted.

He stares into me as his hands unbutton my jacket. He stops completely and bends to kiss my neck, controlled and lovingly. Then he straightens and watches his hands as they spread my jacket open. I love the evil smile that tugs on his lips. His eyes dart to mine and I hate the look I see there because it is far too sweet. He sees my reaction and I get his rough side again. I am grateful.

"Good girl, Annie, my love. Very good girl." Breathing it out to me on a coarse sigh of dominance.

I am just as he wanted me. He rewards me. His mouth captures a breast and he flickers his tongue around my aroused nipple. His teeth never touch my skin. He sucks gently, too gently. He knows he's driving me mad. I love it. By the time he repeats his moves on my other breast, I am having trouble standing.

He notices. He always notices when my knees start quivering.

"Fuck me, Terry. Please. Do it to me. Now." I pant it out and I've got my hands down his pants and I only vaguely remember unzipping him. I am almost yanking his dick off his body in my hunger to have it inside of me.

His hands remove mine before I can do serious damage. He chuckles and it makes me angry. It has never made me happier to hear him do that.

He pulls my body from where he's had it plastered against the side of the car. I hope he's taking me to the front of the car, to where I want him to shove me over across the hood, but instead he's opening the back door. I am confused momentarily. I do not know what he has in mind.

He gets into the back seat first and pulls me in behind him. His hands are on my waist and as he tugs me toward him, I understand. I straddle his bare lap and he leans over to pull the door closed behind us. Before he has a chance to straighten up, I am already trying to undress the rest of him. But he is having none of that.

"Now, now, tiger. Let's get a grip here." He laughs at me.

"I've got a grip, buster. You're the one without a grip."

He opens his mouth in mock shock but he's faster in his reactions than I ever seem to be. His hands are massaging my breasts immediately. "Got a grip myself now, Annie girl. Think we're even?"

"Are you threatening me? Or negotiating?"

"Neither, baby," he whispers, suddenly again the man I need but don't need, the one with those soft eyes that wish I wasn't hurting. "Just want this to be right for you."

I shudder and lose my grip. I won't make it. I know I won't. I don't know what to do now. I find myself wrapping my arms around his neck and falling into his chest. He holds me but he says nothing at first. Then he strokes my hair and I know what he will say. I steel myself.

"Wanna tell me about it?" He says it softly. "Annie? Tell me how you are."

I shake my head against him. I won't make it. I need to make it through this. I don't know how. The only thing I can think to do is to say, "Please fuck me. I need your cock so far up me that I can barely stand it. I want you to fuck me raw."

I so rarely tell him things like this. It's not usually my style. But I'm not desperate. I'm just being honest.

"Turn around," he tells me. I sit up in his lap and look in his eyes. They are hard but they are also soft. I lean in to kiss him but he stops me. "I said turn around."

I swivel on his lap and am unsure what he has in mind. I love this.

He pulls my ankles back and I find that I have leverage with my legs like this, on either side of his hips. I am able to kneel on the seat we are on while leaning my arms on the front seats. He nudges me to rise up and then he pulls me slowly down atop his cock after first swiping the swollen head through my slickness.

A groan comes sliding hard out of me and I am feeling so much better. This was what I needed. I needed him to just take control and help me lose control.

I get a memory flash. The dream of me and him and Dino. The one that came blistering out of a booze-soaked night of finding out that my sorrows weren't about to be washed away that easily. A night in which I discovered I still wasn't immune to an indecent proposal. That dream. Damn. I wonder briefly how it would make him feel to know what I have dreamed. I wonder what he would think about what made me have that dream.

It occurs to me just then. The dream was all wrong. In my dream, Terry and Dino never even talked like themselves. I didn't talk at all. And it kept shifting on me. I have the feeling that even in my dream I knew it couldn't have been happening. The dream means something but I no longer believe it means I necessarily did something about which Terry would be angry.

I feel myself relax a bit. I feel myself being manipulated by a master. I feel myself forget everything but the here and now.

Terry is pulling me down and then pushing me up. Slowly. Asking me how good it feels. I tell him. He likes my response. I grind around on him the next time he pulls me down and he whimpers softly to me. I like his response.

He decides I can take over the up and down movement. He tells me to fuck him and I do. He slips my jacket off my shoulders, down my arms. His hands cover my breasts and it feels good. He leans in toward me and I feel his lips soft on my spine. That feels so good as well.

I am keeping up a running commentary. I am telling him what he wants to hear. He wants to hear in my voice that I will be okay for now. But that later, I will need him to shelter me and to help me get over what has happened the day before with the loss of an election that I have taken far too personally. It is my way. He understands. He knew without even talking to me that I would take it as a personal failure.

He called Dino the night of the election to find out the results. He knew I was worried we'd lose. He was worried for me. He told Dino to watch over me and to not let me do anything stupid. I am not sure.

The next night, I will tell him that I believe he understands how I feel about these kinds of reversals because he can identify with my sense of failure. We are more alike than either of us is comfortable with sometimes. But it is what makes us something of soul mates, I believe.

But in this moment, I want a rough release. I want to feel I have sinned and that I am being punished. I want to be punished by someone who understands how it feels to feel this way because I don't really want to be punished. He knows this. Anyone else would think I was a contradiction on two feet.

He doesn't care about my contradictions. I think he likes them. I think he finds them intriguing to figure out. He never does quite figure them out; I think he likes that even more. I feel the same way about him. I like the mythic nature of his own contradictions.

He cannot stand my pace any longer. I keep slowing down as I come nearer and nearer the edge. It's not that I don't want to come but it's just that the feeling about overwhelms me and I lose track of what I'm doing. It's so frustrating. I just want to come but I am not yet.

"Keep fucking me, Annie. Fuck me hard. You can do it. That's my girl. Christ but you feel so good."

His arm is now around my waist and he is fully into this. No more fooling around. He is pressing me forward and I am nearly falling between the front seats. My hands have slipped from the seat backs to the seats themselves. I am bracing myself against his onslaught as he begins to thrust into me. He is controlling his hips but he is also pulling me into him harder and harder each time he thrusts up.

And I finally feel him begin to fuck me with abandon. He is making a lot of noise. Mostly grunts but he likes to curse when he is feeling the need to help me reach this stage. I could nearly scream. I won't scream.

I am screaming but it is muffled because I have turned my mouth into the side of the front seatback. I am not silent.

But I refuse to cry. Later. Only later. Only after we have left the garage. Only after he makes slow, romantic love to me in a safe place. Only after he makes me open up because I will have no other choice when he shows me his soul.

I am not crying, Diary. But it won't be long.