At what point did it shift? When did the feelings actually return? Had they been waiting in the wings for a time and I didn't notice? Was my body hiding them from me?

Do you remember the very first time you were aroused? Did it scare you? Were you curious? Did you wonder why crossing your legs and grinding was such a delightfully thrilling thing to do? Do you remember the first time you saw a boy's "thing" large and in-charge? Did you gulp and say "You want to put that - where?"  Scattered thoughts in my head. My body was healing. I was reliving the newness of those sensations.

Hando had been away visiting Darcy and then Isobel. I had a visit with Jeff and was soon to see Terrance. Hee. Oh, he just loved it when I called him that...well, not really, but it was fun to get his blood up and make him spout off all sorts of Aussieisms.

Speaking of blood up, I had taken it upon myself as a sister, a good sister, to do my lessons. The latest lesson? Study up on Bee Dubya. Good ol' Budrow. I blame Heather completely. She made me do it. I could just kiss her. Now my solitary moments are filled with mental images of him bashing some no-good law breaker...white tank...sweaty pecs...gulp. Along with me murmuring, "Oh Bud..."

So here I am, puttering around in my garden. My thoughts all over the place (as you can tell.) Back to Terrance. It had been a great while since I'd spent time with him. I believe the last time I saw him - as a visit - was post-initial Hando visit. Another lifetime. Me, another person. Once, I teased Herr Cue Ball about Terry. Teased? Not really - it was the gods-honest truth to me! Terry could have been Hando under different circumstance, no doubt about it.

Where do all these fucking weeds come from? Damn, would ya look at that ivy? I really need to tie it up to the trellis. Where are my wire cutters at? If Dominic calls me one more time to remind me to pick up Terry, I will...turn my phone off. Ooo - that'll get him good, huh? I crack myself up.

Gentle breeze. Enough to cool my skin via perspiration. All I could hear were the birds in the grove and my wind chimes, tinkling and bonging. No voices. No weirdo chicks telling me to do weirdo things. The price I've had to pay for a dirty old man's kicks. I am surprised, still - that Hando has stayed with me.

What is he getting out of this? Every time he looks at me, I remind him of the nasty things he did to girls - back then. I can't give him the one thing he wants - children. Why should he stay? The world is his oyster! I'm just a lackluster faux pearl.

Mmm. Time to transplant that beauty into a bigger pot, I believe. She is strangling herself with her own roots. I have never been what you would call a high-maintenance gal. I've never been into my looks to the point of spending hours applying makeup and arranging my locks. However, all this talk of cosmetic surgery has made me think. And it made me buy a new mirror for the bathroom that Colin so graciously installed for me - on the understanding that I would cook up a mess of fried green tomatoes for him.

Oh, that reminds me - need to Sevin Dust the tomato plants - cursed bugs. 

Yes, I do still feel uneasy around strangers - and I feel like a stranger to the brothers. I want all these marks gone. I don't want to look at myself in the mirror and see my past. I have come to terms with all of it. Yes, I was sexually abused my men in my family. Yes, I became pregnant and gave myself an abortion - dashing any hope of conceiving. Yes, I buried all this in a deep dark hole in my soul and became a promiscuous little bint.

Talk of babies and my secret desire to give one to Hando unearthed it all. The voices - her voice, began speaking - telling me things. I believed her. She wanted me to kill and then kill myself. I almost succeeded.

I can't really be angry at her. I feel sorry for her. What happened to her - to us - wasn't her fault. She didn't ask to be a pre-teen plaything. As much as I hate to admit it, the doc is right. Hando is right. I need closure. I need to bury her once and for all. She and I both need peace.

"You're doing that thing that Nash does - staring off in to space. Did you forget what day our visit began?" 

Fuck! 

"Terry! When did you get in? I didn't hear you drive up! I'm so sorry. Dom kept calling to remind me but I..." 

"Shhhh - give us a hug, love - haven't seen you since... Bloody hell, will you look at this fabulous garden? This is truly amazing! Would you fancy a look-see at me and Uma's new place and perhaps tell us what it needs in the way of landscaping?"

Dodging the obvious, but damn, he was good at it! And his arms...so safe...I could feel his muscles rippling through his shirt. I didn't want him to release me. 

Hold me and tell me that everything will be all right. 

"Now, look at what you've done! You've gotten me all dirty. You look like you've been rolling in the mud." 

As soon as he said that, a grin fished its way across his face and his eyes fell to the ground. What was it with him and mud? 

"Oh my, I'm sor..." 

"Quit apologizing, will ya? Why don't you get cleaned up and we'll go in search of that elusive beer we chatted about?" 

As I showered, I thought, When he looked at me, he looked straight into my eyes...he never shifted his attention to my mangled face or hands. Oh, but then again, he saw me at my worst, right? He was there - at the hospital. I remember him standing in my room in the psych ward. I remember overhearing a conversation regarding missing medical files. That's right...he and Dino are the ones that tracked down the information regarding my botched abortion. They put the final pieces to the puzzle in place with that find. I remember...

"Hey! Did you zone out again? How long does it take to get a shower? I can hear the beer - calling us..." Terry tapped on the shower door. 

"Ok ok! Grab me a towel." I turned the taps off and waited. 

"Tina." 

"Yeah?" 

"Can I see? I just want to...I - forget it..." 

I opened the shower door and spoke, "Terry, turn around." 

With a practiced steady eye, he took me in from top to bottom, never letting on if he was repulsed. 

"Amazing." He touched the damage on my arms. His finger ran along the gash on my cheek. He took my hands in his, studying them carefully. I shivered. "You have healed so well, love," whispering. Terry draped a towel around me and kissed my forehead. I didn't flinch one bit.

"Now, Terrance - you know that just isn't true! On any given day, I can drink your sorry Australian ass clean under the table. Just not today. *Hic*" Yes, it had been awhile since I imbibed...but I could get back on this horse again, you bet your sweet patootey..."

"Bah - you're a has been. You wimpy Americans - you think you are all that and a bag of chips." 

We had found a booth, secluded enough for my taste - wouldn't attract any attention. I felt like we were the only ones there. He caught me up on all the current family gossip. Told me all about meeting Hollywood and the madness that ensued. I laughed until I almost peed on myself. Luckily we were very close to the restrooms.

I took a moment to spy on him - as I returned from my umpteenth trip to the loo. 

Now, who was being Nash? Faraway look and vague smile. He tenderly caressed the watch he wore - a gift from Uma, he had told me. Oh, he had it for her baaad.

Not the "oh I wanna fuck your brains out 24/7" bad...the "I wanna spend my life with you" bad. What a pair they are. I hope that maybe Hando and I could get ourselves invited to the Big House to visit them. We would promise to use silverware and not fart in front of the guests. I made myself laugh out loud and startled Terry. I tripped over my own feet as I tried to sit in the booth.

Drop dead gorgeous smile, "What is so funny?" 

"You!" 

"Me? You're the one who can't walk and is laughing like a hyena. Ready to roll? Time for a dip in the spa? Hando said to make sure you soaked at least..." 

"What? What did you say? Hando?" The lightheartedness went south, quick. 

"Oopsie poopsie. Beer's made my lips loose." 

I left him at the table and stomped out to my truck. He was on my heels telling me to get my ass off my shoulders. 

"My ass is just fine where it is, boy-o. What do you guys do, have meetings? Discuss what is appropriate and not with Teener? Tell me, Terrence. What sexual positions are acceptable or not. Hand-cuffs off limits? Is there a certain way you are supposed to tuck me in at night? Show me the 'Guide to Teenersitting'...there must be one." I was going off the deep end, I knew - it was like a damn breaking...once it started crumbling, it couldn't hold anything back.

The look on Terry's face was that of astonishment and anger. He reached to grab my arms, but stopped himself mid-movement - trying his best to avert from using physical force. I saw it and lost my place in my holier-than-thou speech.

We glared at each other momentarily before I made the move to unlock the truck doors. When we returned home, still parked in the driveway, I spoke softly,

"Tio. Getting back on the bus socially is harder than I thought. I know Hando is looking out for me, and I should be thankful - but I feel suffocated. I want my independence back and it's not returning as fast as I'd like. Yes, I do need a whirl in the spa. My arm and my hands are getting stiff. Would you care to join me? I'll leave my claws in the house."

Terry accepted my pseudo-apology and the offer to get in the spa. 

"Taste ok?" Terry had brought a bottle of wine and glasses out with us to the spa. 

"Magnificent. Thanks, mate," I gave my best Aussie ape. He giggled. 

The stars were out in full interplanetary light display, sparkling like diamonds. I thought of Jack and our impending visit. I felt that twinge I'd mentioned earlier. My nipples turned into pebbles and I had the overwhelming desire to grind myself on...something.

"You gonna write about it?" The low slurred voice emanated from Terry. 

"Write? About what? Oh. Yeah. What happened. I need to finish what I have. Everyone speaks closure to me. You'd think I would have done it by now..." 

Thick muscular fingers massaging my toes and the arch in my foot. The itch was getting stronger...but the heat from the spa and the alcohol I had consumed made me light headed and sleepy. I dozed.

Pieces. 

Bits. 

Snippets. 

Where was I? I didn't recognize the bed I was tied to - or the room I was captive in. I heard voices. Masculine, familiar voices. I was naked and very horny. 

I blinked. I felt someone giving me the most exquisite tongue therapy on, around, and inside my lower lips. One finger, two... A thumb manipulating my clit. Another finger teasing my anus.

I blinked again. Gracious mouth still at my opening, but now a pleasing length of manhood poised at my mouth. "Open up. Suck it, baby. Let me fuck your mouth."

Hando. 

Who was knelt between my legs? 

Blinked. "You about done? I want in first. You gonna watch?" That voice...it was...oh my god... 

My fantasy. The one I'd never told anyone. The dream. It had been so long since I had it - it was forgotten. 

Terry. Flipping me over, raising my hips and diving in, full thrust. Hando sat in the chair near the bed and tugged at his bolt. I licked my lips, wanting them to be around him again. Watching him wrap one hand around that which takes me two hands to circumnavigate.

*Smack* 

Nice firm pop to the ass. I felt my walls pucker around his cock. One hand firmly grasping my hip, the other holding my wrists together - why I dunno. I was tied to the headboard that way. Sweat slicked chest leaning over my back. Teeth nipping my neck. Rivulets of perspiration dripping from Terry onto me.

"Is that all you got? You fuck like a wuss, brother. She can take it better'n that. She's my girl. She can take whatever I dish out to her." 

Blinked. Huge thick rod in my mouth. Moans of satisfaction. Something warm and wet on my ass. A finger. Gently in, gently out. Two fingers in, out. I was lying on my belly. One leg pulled higher than the other. More talking. I couldn't discern the voices.

"Oh yeah, what a tight little asshole she has. You've done her before like that? 

You can't tell by lookin at her. She's about ready, honey is dripping from her snatch. Oh fuck...stick it in her..." 

"Your mouth...suck it hard, love...shit...Christ...I'm coming!" Growls through gritted teeth. 

Quiet gentle words at my ear. "Relax. Remember? S'like riding a bicycle. You know how much I love your ass. I see it, and all I want to do is fuck it, love. That's it. Once my head's in, it's all good then."

"Oooo yeah...almost all the way in. Feel me? I wish you could see this. My cock all the way in your taut little hole. Yeah, that's right - move with me."

I was seeing stars. 

Blink. Sweat flying everywhere. Terry under me, Hando in my backdoor. My bell getting rung over and over. Hando's paws gripping my hips, slamming himself inside me over and over. Terry shoving himself upwards at the same time.

Everything went black. 

I woke up the next morning, relatively early. It was the first night that I remember sleeping through since...the Days of Weirdness. 

I had my pajamas on, but don't remember getting into them. Terry had slept in the bed with me. I could smell his scent on the pillow even though he wasn't there now.

Disoriented from all the sleep I had gotten, I made my way down the hall and into the kitchen, where Terry sat drinking tea and reading the morning edition. 

"There she is." He grinned. It was an evil grin. 

"What? Did I miss something?" 

"I don't think anything was missed. You talk in your sleep, love...or should I say, you come in your sleep..."