TERRY

The party was swinging along nicely when one of the waiters indicated that we were low on red wine; should he go and help himself to some down in our cellar? I shook my head and went for it myself- I like choosing wine and I had some excellent reds that I had been laying down for the occasion. I believe in saving the best until last.

The wine cellar is one of my indulgences. It amuses me, a working class boy from Sydney, to have this quintessential plaything of the gentleman - my own stock of excellent vintages- it is becoming a bit of a hobby of mine. Tink is also a wine drinker and knows her stuff- we are really turning into a very pretentious couple, aren't we? Until, that is, she comes out with one of her wonderfully crude statements and levels our little fantasy. I was already smiling to myself as I wandered around pulling out bottles.

It is dark and cold down there as befits a cellar below the ground in this dank grey country. I had only switched on the low lights, partly because I know my way around but also because I rather like the gloomy subterranean feel of the place. It plays into my thrill at owning a home that is old and oozes with the spirits of past residents. I like the chance of encountering a ghost- not that I ever had. So that is where I was, wandering along the narrow passageways between the racks when I heard footsteps on the steps.

"Terry? Are you down there?" I heard her voice and started; she was the last person I had expected to seek me out tonight.

"Yeah? Come on down... Annie?"

"That's me... are you sure it's okay?" She seemed hesitant and I wondered if she was going to be as tricky as she had been for weeks in the mails we had exchanged. I'd have to watch my words carefully; she was always looking these days for me to fuck up so that she could lay into me.

"Sure...watch your step."

I watched her pick her way gingerly down the narrow wooden staircase but didn't extend a hand- I had the notion that she just might run if she felt that I was coming in too close. At the bottom she looked around, nervously fingering something in her hand that I couldn't quite make out - she was standing in darkness away from the reach of the lamp.

"What is this place?" She asked almost redundantly- its purpose was pretty obvious and I recognised that she was simply searching for a way in- when had we needed such things in the past to get us talking?

"Wine cellar...we do things very properly over here, ya know," I chuckled, "Used to be just a shed at the back of the house full of tinnies when I was a kid and a bottle of cheap sherry for my Mum if she was lucky." We both smiled at that.

"Ah. Of course. That's more my style too. Um. Look. I hope I'm not intruding but ... well, I wanted to have a chance alone with you tonight. Just for a moment, okay?"

Ann was jigging about slightly from one leg to another, nervous and unsure. Something was on her mind and I was surprised she had gone this far to seek me out- since she had arrived I had noticed that she had studiously ignored all but the most cursory of contacts with me. I didn't push her, preferring to act as if I was at ease and unconcerned. Experience has taught me that style usually elicits more than the direct approach. This way she could feel her way at her own pace.

"Yeah...right...no worries." I carried on pulling out bottles and checking labels while she hovered about clearing her throat and watching me.

I noticed that whenever I looked her way, she avoided eye contact, aware that even in this gloom I would try to read her- it is an instinctive habit that I have developed and one which drives Tink to distraction. I suppose it would annoy anyone who was trying to hang onto their dignity in my presence.

"Well, just first, I need to say something to you. I wanted to apologize. I should have called you after ... I should never have spoken to you as I did when you called in Croatia. I just ... I don't know why I did that but I am very sorry for it."

Her words poured out in a rush as if she had been rehearsing them but now the moment had come, she was embarrassed to be speaking them out loud. I felt for her. Turning my back, unwilling to let her see the effect that her speech had had on me, I answered in as blasé a tone as I could muster. "There's no need to apologise...it wasn't really my business and I shouldn't have interfered..." I scrutinised the bottles and made a vain and unsuccessful attempt to change the subject. "What do you reckon...Merlot? A nice little Burgundy?"

Ann ignored my suggestions and launched straight back into her spiel. "Terry, please...I am so sorry. Honestly. I mean, what I said was wrong and I know you were worried. And then Dino told me ... I would never interfere in your professional life, you know? But I also never thought I'd overreact like that with you either..."

It was time to bail her out- she was no more culpable than I had been. "Look Ann, I didn't want it to sound personal. It wasn't personal...it was not about ...Max...for once it was really about the business. There are just some rules we adhere to that he seems to have a problem with. I would never have allowed it had I been there."

Ann sighed deeply; she was still not in agreement with me but she wasn't about to make an issue of it. "I don't want to argue with you about it. I don't. I just wanted to apologize. I was ... It was wrong of me to have spoken with you like that -- I know that you and I haven't been exactly ... close, you know ... lately, but I do trust you. And I just feel badly that I went off on you like that...that's all I wanted to say..." Her voice trailed away and it seemed she might simply turn and leave. But I didn't want her to. I wanted to keep her there. I might not get another chance.

"Apology accepted..." I faked a professional smile. "Hey, tonight is not about all that shit...let's crack a bottle...what do you say?"

She grinned ruefully. "On my head or what?" Then she laughed at her own poor joke and shrugged.

I smiled back and opened a fine vintage, pouring two glasses carefully, aware that I was keeping my distance and my hands occupied. "No...not on your head, love, although I think we both need a good kick up the backside." I grinned and handed her a glass, she took it, we clinked and drank. The wine was strong and rich and made me think of hot summer nights and fragrant breezes- times we had shared a good bottle in the humid evenings of her home.

I watched her seem to make a decision within herself. Resting the glass down, she picked up the object that she had brought with her. "There was one other thing. As long as we seem to be acting so adult and all. In honor of your age of maturity."

"Age and maturity...low blow, love." I smiled and put my hand on my dick. She did not respond to my levity.

"I wanted to give you my gift to honor your birthday. I think it will soften the blow."  

"A gift? For me?" I smiled and looked at her. She raised her eyes.

"I know, I know. Didn't expect one from me, eh?" A nervy little smile played across her features.

"Didn't really think about it." I grimaced. "Sorry, that sounds ungrateful..."

"Ouch, that does smart. But I shall let you have your gift anyway."

"I guess I'm not really used to presents," I blundered on, embarrassed myself now, not sure what to say. I can handle smart repartee better than heart to hearts.

"No, you're usually the one giving them, aren't you? You're more used to me being a bit of a taker not a giver, I suppose."

I was annoyed at that. Why does she always have to do herself down in that way? Whatever the dynamics of our relationship had been, it had been my choice as much as hers. She had to understand that. I could hear the edgy note of irritation in my voice when I replied and knew that she would pick it up too. "Don't start that crap again, Annie. I've had enough of it."

She blushed and bit on her tongue and presented me with a potted plant. "Happy Birthday, Terry."

I was bemused. "Flowers?" I couldn't keep the tone of amusement out of my voice. "Do I need to look up the meaning? You seem to be into that crap these days." My reply seemed ungracious- it was ungracious- but a pot of flowers?

I saw her slight wince at my sarcastic reference to her and Max and momentarily wondered at the actual meaning of the flowers. Lilies, I think. Weren't they to do with death? No, these were lilies of the valley ... surely they had a different meaning?

"The flowers are just the decoration, Terry, there's no hidden meaning." She stammered that out. "The real gift is attached. I just thought ... I thought this looked prettier this way."

I took the gift and looked at it...went to flick a light switch in order to get a better look at the little velvet bag that hung off the plant. The sudden bright neon light made us both blink and threw our shadowy frames into stark clarity.

"Very pretty...." I chanced a look up at her, caught the expectant expression in her beautiful eyes and turned back to open up the velvet bag. My fingers reached inside and I touched upon something smoothed and carved that felt like highly polished wood. Easing it out, I laid the small figure onto the palm of my hand and with sudden recognition, I understood what it was. Lying on my hand was an ivory figurine. It was a netsuke of Bishamon, a warrior god sacred to the Japanese Bushido tradition.

I must explain. A netsuke is a small toggle that used to be worn suspended from the sash of a kimono. They are very collectable items and can fetch very high prices depending on the period and the school from which they originated. I'm a bit of a buff on Japanese traditions and this character Bishamon is a particular favourite of mine with his role as protector of the samurai who would seek his favour and his bravery before they went out to battle. Rolling this over in my palm, I looked for the signature on the bottom - I cannot read Japanese but I was aware that this was a very ancient piece, possibly from the Edo period, the time of the greatest examples of netsuke, perhaps even from the Kyoto school itself. It is hard to explain what significance the gift had for me- I knew Ann was fully aware of its symbolism and that made it even more precious. She was giving me a totem to keep me safe and had chosen one which she knew would resonate with me, the man who was so cynical about most superstitions and charms.

I must have stared at the tiny object for a long time before I could find the voice to speak. "Where did you find this?"

I heard her relief; she must have been worried that either I would not recognise it or would consider it too intimate a gift. My heart went out to her. She smiled and reached out to stroke it, catching the skin of my palm at the same time and not shying away. "I had fun. I wanted to find one that was ... as special as you." She grinned sheepishly. "I'd like to think, as silly as you'll find it, that it's like I'm doing my part to keep you safe always while you're out there being a warrior. By the way, are you familiar with the Kurama-dera Temple?"

"Yeah...founded by Gantei?" I knew my stuff and was cocky enough to like to show off my knowledge; Ann was clearly delighted that I did, for it gave her gift a greater prestige in my eyes if I could appreciate it.

"Wow. I'm impressed. I hadn't known that until I started searching for this. Anyway, I had it blessed by the sensei from the Kurama-dera Temple." Her pleasure was evident in every word she said. She had managed to please me but it still made me sad that she thought it might be so hard for her to do.

Closing my palm round the figure, I cradled it in my hand a while, chewing on my lip, looking upwards and sighing deeply. I made a wish- I made a few. I wondered if Bishamon was listening to this old warrior tonight. "This is...very special, Ann. Maybe more than you know."

Ann placed a hand on my arm, suddenly serious. Neither of us had the urge to hide behind clever remarks anymore. This simple gift had laid bare our true emotions. "It's almost as special as you are, Terry. I just needed you to know that I've never lost sight of that. Whatever we did or said to each other."

I ran my hand down my face. The utter sadness of her tone moved me. "How did we get here, Ann? To this place where we are scared to talk to each other in case we say the wrong thing?"

She took a step back and paced up and down, thinking, choosing her words carefully. When she spoke, her voice was soft and I could tell, she was purposely choosing to keep this from becoming a confrontation between us. There was no challenge in her tone. "Despite anything and everything that's happened, I still love you. I feel deep hurt and guilt over the loss of you in my life. We seemed to be on the brink of something truly important not that long ago and now we've backed so far away that it's impossible to deal with the gulf between us. You've never once asked me, just point blank, why I backed away. But I've also never asked you why you've backed away. To me, that's rather indicative of our entire relationship."

"Right then...let's start from the beginning. Let's talk about why we backed away. I want to hear it - straight down the line, no bull." It isn't the way I normally approach women, more how I would deal with a problem professionally and I think that would be the same for Ann, too. Maybe we should play to our strengths, then.

"Do you have any idea how I felt in the wake of what happened between the three of us? You, me, Uma? Here?"

I was taken aback. Whatever I had expected, I hadn't thought that was behind all this.

"That? Is this about what happened that night?

"In some ways, yes. But in others, no. You may never understand me. I barely understand myself. Let me try to explain... What I took from that was magic. I will never give that feeling up, Terry. Ever. But it was also so clear to me that what I now saw between the two of you was a love so strong, so complete and so fulfilling, that it deserved to not be interfered with. It felt like a marriage. And I have this thing about marriages. Which I know you know something about now. I didn't mean for it to be this way, but I felt that if I continued with you, I'd be interfering in your marriage."

"I'm not married- why do you always say that I am? OK, so you saw inside a relationship...few people get to see that...how would I feel to be there when you and Jack made love? It isn't a usual experience. Not in that sense. In a brothel, maybe, but not in your own home with the women you love..."

"I wouldn't know. I would never feel that safe to let that happen - ever."

I smiled ruefully at that. "That's my point, Ann. Do you know how close you have to be to someone to allow them into that part of your life?"

"I feel blessed that you let me. That both of you loved me that way. But think about the way you phrased that, Terry. It was about letting me inside you and Uma's relationship. It wasn't about the three of us sharing something for us. You see? I was the outsider."

Her words brought me up short. Is that how she had felt? Like the spare part? I don't think we saw her as anything but equal to us but then...we were a couple and it was our bed. There was only one way she could have felt.

"I thought you would understand that is where I wanted us to be. Christ, Ann, she is my woman...but you are my amante...she knows that...I need to be with you, too." I rubbed at my head in frustration. "I'm bloody hopeless at this kind of conversation...I can't talk this shit..."

Ann put her hand on my arm. "You did nothing wrong. Ever. This was my fault. My failing. It stems from my past. I am so very sorry that it came to cause this. Truly."

I tried another tack. "Look, you said as much yourself. You wouldn't let anyone in with you and Jack...Ann, we have to face something. We have partners who are our primary concern but most of us wish to retain the bonds that we developed together as we grew in this Game - but of late you don't, Ann...why? Is it all or nothing with you? Is that what you are trying to say to me?"

She flung her hands up in frustration. "No, that is not what I meant! It just makes me feel like a whore when all I am to the Brothers is someone they come to fuck every time I ask for a visit. That's what it was becoming to me -- a bunch of married men who would come in and fuck me. I was never the kind of woman who cheated before. I didn't become someone different by coming here."

I groaned at her statement. Whore? Is that how she thinks we view the Sisters?

"Ann- this is not the ordinary world out there. Do you think I would stand by and accept Uma sleeping with another man outside the Game?"

"I am not saying I am right. But I am right for me. And you might draw the line at Uma but you had no problem with me sleeping with Pat."

She laid that one straight at me. I realised then that she had misconstrued my attempt to console her when she had revealed her secret about Pat to me. I had meant to support her; she had taken it for lack of care. "Come on, Ann, I was trying to understand your dilemma- you were across a portal and you met someone else. That is a different scenario. It can happen to anyone. Christ- it happened to me and Uma. Tecala? Alice? Dino? I can accept things like that."

"I hear what you are saying. Do you hear me saying that I am only trying to figure out where I draw the line?"

"I can respect your feelings about the Brothers as you grow in the Game. I might not share those feelings but I accept your right to have them." We were going around and around the same old ground.

"You are all heading somewhere that I do not want to go. I cannot play this game if I feel married."

Back to that. The fundamental issue that she kept throwing at me. This was the source of all the misunderstandings.

"So you and Jack aren't in love? You don't live together? He isn't your primary concern?"

"Yes, that is all true, but..."

I held up my hand and went on: "Ann, you are as settled as we all are within your own lights..."

She interrupted. "But Jack and I are not exclusive to the other! It's really more like I am his mistress."

I snorted. "When I see you and Jack together, I see a couple who are devoted to each other. I can't see the difference. I am not exclusive to Uma and she is not exclusive to me-  so why is she not my mistress? This is becoming a game of semantics, Ann."

But she wouldn't give up. "The difference is that if we were not in the Game, I would not be married to Jack. But you and Uma would be married. So would Cort and Isobel and all the others..."

"Oh, you have it all worked out, do you? You know us better than we know ourselves? Look, Ann -you insist on referring to Uma as my wife but she isn't and she never will be..."

"She would be if not for the Game..."

"You think so? I would not be married. I don't ever want to be married again- but if I did, Game or no Game- nothing would stop me. Marriage is just a word. Love is an emotion. You feel it - you don't define it." I put my hands on my head. "We are talking around this, not through it!"

"God. This is so fucking frustrating," Ann muttered. We both laughed. "Heh... at least we agree on that. I don't want to fight, Terry. Not tonight. Do you?"

I shook my head and held her hands, looking into her beautiful eyes, limpid and moist. "You want me to be the man you met over a year ago but I have changed and so have you..."

"No, I don't. I have no expectations of you. I just had always hoped that you would trust me enough to be you. Whoever you are. But I don't even know what is going on in your life anymore... you tell me...nothing..."

I knew it as soon as she said it. She wanted to take back the words. Ann never pries or seeks to find out things that she knows are private. But she also must have picked up vibes that something was happening and she was not a party to it. I had to make a decision.

"Ah...the question...why have I backed away from you? Is that what you want to ask me?"

She faced me out and asked it. "Why have you backed away then?"

"Why did I tell things to Uma, Heather that I didn't tell to you?" She tilted her head but didn't answer. "Firstly- you were not in a frame of mind to hear certain things- there were times when I was genuinely concerned about where you were heading..."

"Such as?"

"Ann, you have had a stormy ride the past few months and I didn't want to add to your load with my own problems. I was trying to protect you in my own way but I guess I fucked up - I'm sorry... but when you started to throw that married shit at me- well, frankly it hurt me... I thought we were beyond that..."

"Terry, I'm not trying to beat you up. I'm not... why would it hurt you? You had a full life. I was just not that important anymore. I mean, I feel like I missed my chance with you..."

"Hurt me?  Why wouldn't it? You were accusing me of things that I wasn't aware I had done. Like avoiding you. Like putting others before you."

"Okay, I think that's a good issue because I do want to know. What am I to you? I can remember when we first seemed to really commit to being something together -- you and I, we said we would be each other's safe harbor. You said I brought you peace in your life. When did that stop being true? But now it's Heather who's your safe harbor and, I can honestly say this without ego, that she's so much better for you in that role. So where does that leave us? What place do you want me to have in your life?"

Heather. Had her arrival upset some sort of equilibrium in the Game? In my mind she was nothing to do with this but in Ann's clearly she was. She appeared to be the surrogate for Ann when Ann hadn't been able to be there for me. Could she really think I was so callous?

"Why am I here talking to you if I don't still want us to find our way back? You are the woman - the only woman - whom I would ever allow to share in my relationship with Uma.  There is a safe harbour but there is also a place in the sun. They are not necessarily the same thing but they both bring me peace. You are right, you are too volatile ever to be a safety net for me - but I happen to like that in a woman....Ann, I love you...I don't know which corner of my heart is yours because I don't apportion my love like that. But I just don't want to lose what we have got..."

"And I don't want to fight with you anymore, Terry. You have no idea how much it hurts me that we are where we are right now. You are half of the reason I am in this Game."

"Then it stops here ... right here and now -we stop beating each other up. You don't want to sleep with me because of Uma? Fine- but I still want you to know that I desire you and when you are ready, I will always be here for you." In the final analysis this is what it came down to- if she would only believe me.

She let out a little gasp. "You would do that for me?"

I nodded. "Go out in the Game and find your way, explore what you think you have found with Maximus..."

"But I don't understand why...why would you be prepared to do this for me?"

"The why isn't something I can put into words. It is something here," and I pointed to my heart, "and it doesn't always make sense."

"I don't deserve this, Terry. We both know it."

I took her small hand and rested it over mine on my heart. "Then there is where you have to begin - learn to accept what others want to give you - a lesson I am beginning to learn myself. You have to love yourself first before you can love someone else."

She smiled through her tears. "Oh boy, you have hit the nail there, Terry - that's the tough one."

"Don't I know it, love." I put my arm around her shoulder and drew her close to me in a warm gesture of friendship. She rested her head on my chest.

"Will you be my tutor? Show me how to love myself? Because you have taught me many wonderful things about life in the time I've known you."

"I have? Well, I'm glad I have and let's hope we both learn many more wonderful things together- but it isn't a one-way street, love. I owe you much, too. This for example..." And I picked the small figurine up, placed it gently back inside the bag and put it inside my pocket. "I will keep this with me always, Ann, wherever I go. Do you believe me when I say that?"

"Yes," she whispered. "And I'm glad because I know it'll be something I've done to help keep you safe. There will be a part of me watching out for you, in a way."

I swallowed hard, frowned a little, unsure what to do next; there seemed to be something so final in her words, as if this was really meant as a farewell present.  I extended a hand and touched her face, running my knuckles down her cheek softly.

"I would like to think you were always a part of me...whatever happens."

She leaned against my fingers, rubbed her face against my skin. "I would like to think so as well. So ... friends then, are we, Terry? It feels a lot better than enemies." But there was an unexpected sadness in her voice and she went to step back, as if she realized how close we were.

I didn't release her. Taking her face in my hands, smoothing her skin with my thumbs, I exerted a slight pressure on her neck to pull her closer to me. I whispered against her ear. "We've always been friends."

This little tremble shook her body as she gave a nervous giggle and blurted out, "Did I ever tell you that you taught me how to kiss better?" And then she blushed and grinned at me as she realized what she'd said.

"You seemed to be doing OK when I met you but I have to say...I do like a good kiss." I smirked back.

She looked up at me. "No one had ever kissed me like you did. I thought I'd catch on fire." She chuckled at the memory.

I laughed against her cheek. "Been working on that technique for years. Had a few misses but it seems to do the trick now."

"It shows," she smiled and then turned so that her lips were close to mine. "So, Terry, can friends kiss?" Her voice was serious but her eyes were dancing.

"Yeah, they can kiss...but no tongue," I shook my head forcefully but laughed suggestively. "That's how you tell..."

She burst out laughing. "Let's see how that works then, shall we? So it's no tongue, is it? I want to get this just right."

"Well...if there is tongue then we're not friends and it's back to the drawing board."

"Then maybe we shouldn't risk it..." She tried to pull away but I wouldn't let her go. I manoeuvred her around so that her back rested on the shelving and my body was leaning in on her.

"Hey- this is my class. I insist on practical application of theory." I nuzzled against her cheek and fondled her neck in my hands. She arched herself against me and bared her throat.

"Will you be grading on a curve?" she whispered.

"Mmmmm." I sucked on the lobe of her ear. "I like curves... so yeah." We stopped the banter. I reached for her lips and kissed her gently, chastely, like a friend who cared a lot about her. We broke away slowly, the imprint of each other leaving a pressure even after we had parted. Our eyes were locked and we did not speak until Ann whispered, "Friends...no tongue..."

"Safe then, are we?" I murmured as I reached for her again. This time we delved a little deeper, chanced a little further and the moment that our tongues touched- memory took over, memory and desire. Some things are innate and cannot be controlled. I groaned, she sighed and it was as if we suddenly came out of a dark mist into the brilliant light of day. We did not kiss like friends.

I have to admit I began to lose it. My head was swimming and I pushed her back, reached for her leg, rucked up the hem of her skirt; she likewise began to rip at the buttons of my shirt and I felt her hands against my flesh. Our heads were fighting each other for ascendancy, turning from right to left as we feasted on the long forgotten banquet that was each other.

Even as I was pressing my genitals against the soft warmth of her belly, somewhere in my feverish brain I still retained a semblance of control.  I knew that I had to tell her before we gave in to this urge. I had to be honest now or it would seem that I was merely taking her, like a notch on my bedpost. There was still a very strong chance that if she knew the truth, she would shrink in horror from what she was about to do.

Finding her ear, I whispered, "Ann...wait, Ann...I want to tell you something... to make you understand..."

You could not make it up if you tried. The moment the words were issued from my mouth, I heard the noise of footsteps on the stair. "You down there, mate? Uma wants to know where that wine is."

The spell was broken, Ann immediately shrank back, horrified that Lachlan, of all people, might catch her here with me. "Oh God. No." I heard her muttered comment.

We both jumped apart and I turned my back. Why the fuck is it always him? I knew he would have seen it- he has eyes like a hawk - and it wouldn't take much to work out what we had been up to. Walking over to the wine I had selected I threw out a "Give us a minute, Curry," and pretended to busy myself with the task.

At that point I became aware of Ann's predicament as she tried to pull down her skirt and adjust her sweater back into proper position. I couldn't allow her to be exposed in such a way. Helping myself to half a dozen bottles, I strode to the stairs, throwing her a glance on the way and hoping that she read my meaning. I hurried past Lachlan who stepped back, rubbing his face in embarrassment but still raising his eyebrows suggestively.

"You sure pick your fucking moments, Flipper." I grunted at him under my breath. He cleared his throat but refrained from one of his cocky replies.

Up above, I handed over the wine and went back to the party. Tink caught my expression and inclined her head, immediately attuned to the high colour in my face and possibly the fading remnants of the hard on in my pants - she misses nothing. I shook my head and set my mouth; she tutted and looked unconvinced. I looked about me and saw Ann slip into a seat next to Jack, lean on his arm; he turned to her and they kissed. As she broke away, our eyes met and we stared for a moment. But the chance was lost and already I saw a question in her eyes. She was turning it over in her mind and I imagine that she might already have put a different gloss on events than those that I had meant for her to have. But at least we had put aside our animosity and our friendship was restored. My fingers slipped into my trouser pocket and curved around my netsuke. I made a silent plea that we might find our way back before too long. But it wouldn't come tonight. With Jack on her arm and Max stalking her every move, I knew I had to step back and wait for a better time.