[Daydream state: Jax wading, completely bare, alongside a number of Canal cutters, rippling his fingertips through the water, smiling at big-bosomed girls all along the quayside. They faint in a Mexican Wave. A snowflake falls on his nose, and he brushes it off absently. On his shoulder, a tiny bird lands and promptly poops]

JAX: On the branch there, there's a lad.

[Bird regards him curiously]

JAX: Ever feel, little bird, as if you were in quite the wrong job?

BIRD: Eep?

JAX: I didn't think so. So much bloodshed, I swear it makes me insufferably queasy... such as that poor barbarian found yesterday, hanging from his bow-lined intestines from the top branch of a tree...

BIRD: Eep.. Eep... eugh...[Retch]

JAX: You do understand then... What the blazes...

[Quintus is flapping around the front liners, re-ordering them, shoving their catapults about]

QUIN: Rebrace the catapults!

JAX: Belay there! [Stands behind catapult] the range is good. However- left a bit... left a bit more... prime. NO! NOT YET! I meant Good, fine, you know!

QUIN: I don't understand you, sometimes.

JAX: [Squints into distance] Any news of our envoy?

QUIN: [Uncomfortable] Actually...

JAX: Yes?

QUIN: He... er... he arrived ten minutes ago, while you were fingering the holly bush.

JAX: Well, that is outrageous, Quintus. Outrageous, unacceptable and very like insubordination. Why did you not bring him to me directly?

QUIN: It was awkward, Sir, as he was in about four pieces...

JAX: [testy] Yes, alright-

QUIN: With blood gushing from his severed oesophagus

JAX: That will DO

QUIN: His privates, dangling by a thread- are you all right, Sir?

[Jax is being energetically sick behind his shield, emerges eventually, green in the face]

JAX: Dear God Quintus, I swear you choose to be gory just because I ain't given you your step yet!

QUIN: My step?

JAX: Promotion, man! Never mind - it is a terrible shame about the Envoy. We are given no choice - prepare your archers.

QUIN: PREPARE THE ARROWS!

JAX: LIGHT ALONG THE ARROWS - NO, NOT YET - STOP - STOP!!!! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING??

[30 flaming arrows, obediently 'lit' are flying through the air, and have descended into the forest, starting a blaze]

JAX: Oh dear God... We haven't even sent the hoarding party in yet! How do you expect us to fight in a blazing forest, you.... [Growls]. Oh, Great - all we need now is a blow!

[The wind picks up, a wall of fire develops, out of which descends an army of Germanic barbarians]

JAX: Oh, Marvellous. LET'S GO!!

[Jaximus heaves himself up on horseback; horse whinnies in complaint, but carries him into the heart of the battle...]

[The battle is over, and Marcus Aurelius goes to see Jaximus in his tent. Jaximus lies flat on his back on a swinging mattress, clutching his little figurines in his hands, his dinner is untouched]

MARC: My dear General, was the wild boar's face not to your liking?

JAX: I am depressed Sir, and my appetite has suffered, I find. Why are we here, Marcus?

MARC: For the Glory of Rome? No... Hang on... Jaximus, son, you have made a grand victory! Two thousand Romans, against seven thousand barbarians!

JAX: Yes, but consider, what a butcher's bill that is! They would not strike their colours...

MARC: Colours? They only had two colours, Jaximus - unwashed brown, and mud brown!

JAX: That is to say, they would not surrender, Marcus. How will people remember this day in years to come? Jax the brave? Jax the tyrant? Jax...[hopefully] the philosopher?

MARC: [Crushingly] No-one can accuse you of being a philosopher, Jax - and please stop stealing all my lines. I have come to make you a grand offer: How can Rome thank its greatest General?

JAX: [Dreamily] I'd rather be a Captain...

MARC: Jax, you were made Captain when you were twenty-three!

JAX: At sea, dear Marcus! I wish to block the harbours, sail the Gallic seas, be patronising about sharks...

MARC: So you don't want to go home then?

JAX: [Shudders] With Selene's mother hanging around Trujillo like a noisy wraith? With all my heart, no!

MARC: Jaximus - I want you to be the emperor of Rome after I die...

JAX: Me?

MARC: Do you not accept this great honour I put before you?

JAX: I'd rather be flogged round the legion, to tell you the truth.

MARC: Oh. Well, I was hoping that you would take over Rome - the whole army and everything.

JAX: [Grins] Could take over the Navy... what of Commodus?

MARC: [sighs] Commodus is NOT a moral man, he is forever stealing villages, sending armies out without their full complement, blockading his sister's port... I won't go there. Jaximus, I need your answer by tomorrow morning, sleep upon it, now.

[Marcus leaves, Jaximus clutches figurines intently]

JAX: I'm sorry my dear. I just can't handle your mother's comments on the size of my grapes, just yet.

[Inside Jax's tent - Cicero scrubbing away at a bird poop stain on Jax's wolf skin cloak]

CIC: What the bleeding hell is this stuff? Soap just ain't shiftin' it!

JAX: Cicero, do you find it hard to do your duty?

CIC: When certain Generals is standing about getting shat on, yes. Otherwise, I do what I have to do. Why?

JAX: [Sighs] Cicero, I may not get my ship after all-

[There is a commotion outside, and Quintus arrives with two guards]

JAX: Quintus, why are you armed?

CIC: Because which he's a bleeding two-faced tosser, ain't he?

QUIN: Jaximus, please don't struggle-

JAX: Quintus! Quintus look at me! Promise me you'll look after my crops and kill my - no, that ain't it..

QUIN: Kill your mother in law and make your wife crop?

JAX: No, that ain't quite it either -

QUIN: Protect your mother in law, and kill your -

JAX: Scratch the killing - promise you'll look after my wife and crop my-

QUIN: Oh for God's sake -

JAX: Ooof! [Thud]

[A freezing patch of wood out in the wilds of Germania. Jax has his hands tied in front of him, is down on his knees, and has been leant against a tree - stripped from the waist up. A Soldier is wielding an enormous whip.]

JAX: Please, not the flog - anything but that! Give me a proper death - a sailor's death.

SOLD: [sympathetically changes from the scourge to his sword]

You know, if you didn't keep going on with your plans to start a Roman Navy, Commodus wouldn't hate you so much!

JAX: [dreamily] Twenty first-rate ships, a few sloops, it is all I'd require-

SOLD: Oh boy... here he goes...

JAX: Some nice big masts - this tree would be totally sufficient, for example-

SOLD: Please stop

JAX: We could block some northern ports...

SOLD: Would you shut it with your flipping sea obsession?

JAX: [Irate] - MOCK MY NAVY, WOULD YOU NOW? [Snatch, stab, slice]

SOLD: Oi! [Thud]

JAX: PRI- no.. PRAY.. no no no

PRAE: It's 'Praetorian', sir!

JAX: PRAETORIAN!!

[A bit of a scuffle. Jaximus comes off better, but only fractionally...]

JAX: [weakly] Hang on Selene - I'm coming...

6 Months Later...

In the Zucchabar Glad-iatorial arena. Jaximus is surrounded by dismembered bodies, and is fumbling his way through an anecdote.

JAX: So, Proximo says: "And how did the guard know about the length of Commodus's yard-long prick?" So I reply - er... I reply... erm...

HAKEN: [Behind jail bars, banging head against wall] Because a Roman-

JAX: I have it - And I say to Proximo, "Because a Roman always nose!" Roman NOSE! Oh, ha ha ha!

[luke-warm, polite ripple in otherwise stony silence]

JAX: I said 'Because a ROMAN KNOWS!'

[Stony silence]

JAX: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED? ARE - YOU - NOT ENTERTAINED? PAH! [Spits on ground, throws sword up into the VIR box]

[In Proximo's Parlour]

PROX: What do you want, Jaximus? Big Bosom? Enormous Bosom?

JAX: [Swallows painfully] An enor- YOU sent for ME.

PROX: Yes, Yes I did. You're good, Jaximus, but not that good.

JAX: They just don't get it.

PROX: Silly puns about Roman noses may do in the provinces, but it won't do in Rome. Jaximus - you must have a better sense of audience! We are going back to where we belong - the Collosseum!

[Inhales about four hectares worth of dust up his nostrils as he leans dramatically out of the window]

PROX: Fifty thousand Romans, listening to every word. The silence, before the punch line, the sound of 50,000 voices raised in mirth, the thunder of hysteria rising... as if you were Pliny the Witty himself.

JAX: You were a Glad-iator?

PROX: Yes, Yes I was.

JAX: You won your freedom?

PROX: [Fiddles with special spring-loaded sword] I met Marcus Aurelius once - he gave a sword - not a proper sword, mind you, just the type where the blade disappears into the handle. He touched me on the shoulder when he fell about laughing at an amusing remark-

JAX: YOU knew Marcus Aurelius? Oh ha ha ha!!

PROX: [Annoyed] I didn't say I knew him!

JAX: Ha ha ha ha hee hee

PROX: Just that he leant on my shoulder once!

JAX: Oh dear... [wipes eyes] - and there's you with your weevil joke. [Straightens up with deadly purpose] I too want to stand in front of the emperor, and utter a particularly memorable remark.

PROX: Then listen to me - learn from me! I wasn't the best because I laid the puns on thickly, I was the best because the crowd loved me!

JAX: [Hurt] They don't love me?

PROX: They're very fond of you.. if you'd consider growing your beard back, maybe stop squeezing lemon juice into your hair... Anyway [throws him a clean breastplate] Take this.

JAX: [Nods abruptly, makes to leave, and sticks head back round the door] Er.. Proximo? You were going to offer me an enormous bosom, earlier...