Book III
Chapter 13
Vindabona, Germania
12-23 November, 171 A.D.

Vindabona, Germania
12 November, Germania

During the times that I thought about Germania, I never considered it would be quite as it is.  I don’t know how to describe it.  Stark, desolate, isolated, even primeval, are words that come to mind.  I thought I’d prepared myself for it, but the reality has been startling.  I don’t know how the various native inhabitants exist in such an environment.  It is brutally cold; it seems that everything is frozen, endlessly covered with ice and snow.  It is obvious why no battles occur during the winter, for no one could wage war in such bitter temperatures; morale among the troops would be virtually nonexistent...rather like it is with me at the moment. 

Maximus and I arrived three days ago, and we are residing in a large, stone dwelling, a house of sorts, if one could call it that.  All of the dwellings at the fortress are made of stone, for fortification purposes; ours is spacious and much more comfortable than the lodgings of the soldiers under Maximus’ command, but even so, the cold is ever present, and I stay close to the fire, still susceptible to catching a chill after the fever I endured.  Maximus watched over me constantly, once he deemed me fit to travel again, from Augusta Vindelicorum, insisting that our schedule of traveling be less arduous; our days were shorter, and at night, as the inns become more scarce, the further we traveled, he piled so many blankets upon me, while in our tent, that I could barely move under their weight.

Quite frankly, I’d hoped that he’d warm me with his body, but even though he has agreed that he wants us to try to reconcile, he hasn’t attempted to sleep with me.  A couple of days ago, I asked him why, but he invented excuses.

“You’re not well enough, Selene,”  he’d informed me.  “You were exceedingly ill, and you need time to recuperate.”

“Maximus, it has been nearly as week since my fever broke, and I’m all right.  My strength is rapidly returning.”

“You could have a relapse if you’re not careful.”

“My best route to recovery is to be with you.”

He’d looked at me uneasily.  

“You need to rest,”  he’d insisted, and it was clear, from the look in his eyes, that he wasn’t going to discuss the subject further.  

I hadn’t brought it up since, but I was puzzled, hurt, and frustrated.  Maximus wants us to try to reconcile, but he seems disturbed at the thought of us resuming our physical relationship.  It is disturbing to see him in such a state of mind; it is so unlike him to not take what he wants, to back down in the face of anything.  But that was before I’d wounded him so deeply. 

I’d lain awake at night, while we traveled to Vindabona, he lying on a pallet next to me, and tried to analyze his behavior.  We’d been apart for so long and gone through so much that it would be awkward to try to recapture what we experienced before; I realized that, of course.  It was more than that, though.  Suddenly, it dawned on me.  Maximus was, more than likely, still feeling ashamed over the way he’d treated me that night in Lugdunum, when he’d attempted to retaliate through the use of humiliation.  He still felt guilty about and disgusted by his actions, and such knowledge struck hard.  It made me long to go to him, hold him in my arms, and tell him that I forgave him, that I was the one who should be forgiven for all I had done to him.  I was so saddened to think that he wouldn’t allow himself to give in to his desire, convinced that he didn’t deserve my love after he’d tried to turn my feelings for him against me. 

I don’t think he realized just how deeply he’d been affected by his actions, until he’d decided to give us another chance.  I see the way he looks at me sometimes, at night, and I know he wants to be with me; raw hunger suffuses his eyes, but he always finds some reason to keep us apart.  It is a situation that I don’t know how to handle, and it is adding to the sense of despair that I’ve carried for so long; I’d believed we were on the path to reconciliation when he’d forgiven me, but it is now apparent that his self punishment is continuing to drive a wedge between us.

I feel sad and empty again, hurting for both Maximus and myself, yet deep within my heart, I am angry at him because he is denying us the chance to renew our love.  I have only been at the Army fortress for a few days, but already, I realize how dismal and disheartening living here is going to be.  The atmosphere has intensified my already disconsolate, gloomy mood, and to have Maximus continue to virtually ignore me, when I thought we were past that stage, is almost more than I can stand. 

I’m slipping into a nasty, unreasonable frame of mind, ready to take my anger out on the nearest available target, should the opportunity present itself.  I should have known to be especially alert, realizing what being in such a negative frame of mind could lead to, but I failed to be cautious, and a very unfortunate scene materialized, earlier this evening, as a result.

Maximus had gone to a meeting called by the general, Helvius, whose command he is under.  I’d ventured outside for a while, familiarizing myself with the barracks.  I was glad to no longer be living in a tent, no longer on the move.  We were finished with tents now, or at least I was; when Maximus would travel to battle sites, once the Army began to wage war with the Germans, come spring, he would have to return to living in one.  For now, though, even though we are in warmer housing, however, there isn’t much to see in an Army barracks, all things considered.  Nevertheless, one can only remain indoors, warm and spacious though the lodging is, for so long, without losing the ability to keep one’s nerves under control. 

I looked around the camp, taking it its appearance more closely, searching for some of the faces of the upper ranking members of the legions and their wives, whom Maximus had briefly introduced me to.  I took note of the sights, sounds, and smells of my surroundings, the campfires, the soldiers practicing various drills, dogs barking, horses busily eating.  It seemed a calm, if noisy scene, but I decided I hated it, bored and on edge as I was.

As my eyes were scanning the premises, I saw Maximus, standing a substantial distance away from the main part of the camp.  In fact, if I hadn’t been so intent upon taking inventory of everything around me I probably would have overlooked him.  He seemed quite involved in a discussion, a slight smile forming on his lips, as he occasionally nodded.  I couldn’t see to whom he was talking; one of the soldiers’ horses was blocking my view, but it seemed that the various expressions on his face were far too unreserved for him to be discussing anything with the numerous soldiers under his command or with his only superior, General Helvius.

I moved closer, in an attempt to see who had so engaged his attention, curiosity gaining the upper hand.  When I did, I felt my face flush, my pulse quicken, a stab of jealousy pierce sharply.  He was talking to a woman.  She was tall and slender, possessing a voluptuous figure and a beautiful face, a thick braid of long, blond hair hanging down her back.  Obviously, she was German.  She was smiling at Maximus, as caught up in their conversation as he, and when she reached out and touched him gently, on the cheek, I had no doubt that they had been lovers.

Before I gave myself any time to consider my actions or their impact, I strode over to where the woman and Maximus stood, walking boldly up to them. 

“There you are,”  I addressed Maximus.  “I’d assumed, mistakenly I see, that you were busy with important business of the day, but obviously, you have no pressing concerns.  Otherwise, you wouldn’t be offering your valuable time to a  barbarian trollop.  Aren’t there others, under your command, who are supposed to deal with the less desirable elements of this campaign...prisoners, hangers on, camp prostitutes, and such?”   

I glanced at the woman who, to her credit, refused to back away, her blue eyes never flinching from mine.  Her insolence made me angrier.

But if her boldness raised my ire, Maximus was about to erupt.  He was glaring at me with a piercing intensity, blue green sparks blazing within his eyes.

“My sincere apologies, Athelinda,”  he offered.  “Perhaps we can talk later.”

“As you wish,”  she replied.

Maximus was gripping my upper arm, but seeing as how he didn’t wish to make a scene by practically dragging me through the camp, he released me, with a warning that clearly permitted no argument.

“Walk straight back to our lodgings, and don’t even think about raising any objections!”  he hissed.

I knew better than to argue, so I followed his command, walking straight and determinedly, but looking at him out of the corner of my eye, I could see that he was furious.  As such, I reminded myself that I had more of a right than he to be angry, and once we’d gone inside, I struck first, on the defensive. 

“Who is she!”  I demanded, once he’d shut the front door.  Out living quarters were private but close to others, so I knew enough not to raise my voice, my feelings more evident in its tone, as opposed to its volume.

Maximus’ jaw was set, his eyes as cold as any glacier.

“Not that it is any of your business, but she is an old acquaintance of whom I was once fond,”  he snapped.   

“I’ll just bet you were, and apparently, that fondness still exists!  Why don’t you just call her what she is?”

“I don’t have to!  You just called her that for me, to her face no less!”

“So you admit that she’s nothing but a whore!”

“Stop it!  I will not have you use such a vulgar term towards Athelinda.  Yes, she makes her living by sleeping with soldiers, but she is forced to.  She has a small child and her husband was killed.  She has no other family besides him.  I won’t see her maligned by anyone, including you.”

“Maligned?”  I asked incredulously.  “Seems to me you did a lot more than that!  You killed her family and then slept with her!”

“War is always brutal, Selene,”  Maximus reminded me, irritation plain on his face.  “Yes, the Army is responsible for her loss, but I did not, personally, administer the blow which killed her family members.”

“Doesn’t make much difference, in the long run, regardless of how you try to absolve yourself, though, does it?  You really are a hypocrite.  You take me to task for calling her what I did, but you kill her family and then use her, turning her into what she is!”

“Selene, don’t push the boundaries on this,”  Maximus commanded, trying to keep his rapidly escalating temper under control.  “I will not have you judge my actions, and furthermore, I will not allow you to abuse Athelinda.  She is merely trying to care for her child the only way she can, and she is not a common strumpet, regardless of how you want to label her.  She didn’t go from one soldier to another when she and I were...involved.  She is a good woman who is during her best to survive the circumstances under which she must live.”

“And she marked you for the best target available in dealing with those circumstances, didn’t she?”  I replied.  “I'll give her credit for aiming high.  By the gods, Maximus, she wasn’t just a whore to you, was she?  She was your mistress!” 

“I didn’t sleep with her exclusively, but yes, I chose her more often than other women.”

“And you still care about her!”

“Not as I did before.  She is no threat to you, even if you do think otherwise.  I look upon her with affection, nothing more.  She was a source of comfort and distraction from all that I had to do and face during the last campaign.  I don’t regret that she provided solace and understanding during a time when I needed it.”

“Why are you still talking to her?”

“Am I supposed to act as if she never existed now that I’m married to you?”

“You don’t have to be so friendly!  You were thoroughly absorbed in your conversation, and I saw the way you looked at her!”

“How was that precisely?”  he asked sarcastically.

“There was more than a little interest still in your eyes.”

“I can’t erase the fact that there were times when I felt close to Athelinda.  Not ever in the way that we’ve been close, but many a night would have been inconsolable without her.”

“She still has designs on you.  It doesn’t matter one whit to her that you’re now married.”

“You’re wrong.  She knows I can no longer be with her, and she was doing nothing more than offering me congratulations and wishing me well.”

“Are you really that blind?”

“Selene, jealousy does not become you, and it wears on my nerves.”

“Oh it does, does it?  Well, let me tell you what wears on mine.  You told me that you wanted us to reconcile, but you don’t even touch me.  I’ve wanted to be with you ever since I’ve been well enough to travel, after being ill, but you won’t come near me.  Yet, you’ll talk with Athelinda, laugh and joke with her, look her over with distinct appreciation.  Why is it that she rouses you instead of me?”

“Selene, you are way off the mark.  I no longer desire Athelinda.”

“Is that a fact?  From the way you were practically drooling, ogling her as you were, I wonder what would have happened if I hadn’t chosen to come along with you.  Is there more than one reason why you wanted me to stay home?  Were you longing for your whore and thinking that if you slept with her, you could excuse yourself as just a lonely soldier who needed some attention and affection?”

Maximus reached out, grabbed my shoulders, and shook me.

“Enough!”  he ordered.  “Are you going to add jealousy to your already long list of faults?  Haven’t you done enough to us without allowing your sharp tongue to reemerge?  I thought you’d changed, Selene, at least somewhat.  I thought you saw the damage you’d done and you’d try to rectify it.  But you still can’t wait to take jabs, jump to conclusions, and blatantly accuse.”

“Don’t try to turn the tables on me, when you’re the one on the verge of committing the offense!”

His eyes were now that dark, stormy blue, the color of a violently approaching storm.

“I’m not on the verge any longer,”  he replied.  “I’ve made my decision and it is that, at least this night, Athelinda will make a much better companion than you!”

I stared at him, aghast.

“Her tongue won’t slice me to ribbons,”  he added, driving the barb in deep.  “She knows how to use hers for much better purposes, so hence to her I go.”

With that announcement, he strode outside, slamming the door sharply.  I stood staring at it, horrified over what I had done, a wave of weakness overcoming me to the point that I nearly fell to the ground.  Why had I acted in such a terrible manner?  Would he really do as he’d threatened?  Obviously, he had been involved with Athelinda for quite some time, while in Germania, and though she could never be more than his mistress, did he still have feelings for her?

I was furious and hurt, both emotions overwhelming me.  Could things be any worse between us, I wondered.  I had thought we were headed in the right direction, only to realize that Maximus won’t make love to me, and now, Athelinda has reemerged, all too willing to take him into her bed.  He has threatened to go there, but will he?  He led me to falsely believe that he had sentenced Paulinus, Servius, and Cneaus to be sold as gladiators when he hadn’t, so I can’t trust that he will always do as he threatens, where I am concerned; clearly, though, Athelinda is still interested in Maximus, and he is vulnerable to her approach, both as a man who has done without sex for the past couple of months, as well as one who needs solace from the pain he has endured, thinking his marriage possibly doomed. 

I want to just pack up my belongings and head back to Hispania, humiliated as I feel and hopeless as this situation is beginning to appear.  That is impossible, though, as much of an option as reaching out and grasping the moon.  I have no choice but to remain in Vindobona, forced to deal with all the damage I’ve caused.  I am willing to admit that I’m responsible for a large part of the situation in which Maximus and I have found ourselves, but he is not guiltless.  He is allowing his blame over his actions to cripple our chances of starting over again, and I am angry that he won’t even take a risk, holding himself back.  He is permitting his pride and dignity to grow into an obstacle, one that I fear may be insurmountable if he doesn't conquer it soon.

Tears fill my eyes for what seems the thousandth time since I found Maximus in Lugdunum, and I’m sick of it.  I’m tried of crying, of trying to make things up to him, of shouldering all the responsibility for what went wrong.  He said he had things to make up to me, but so far, I see no evidence of him being willing to try to make amends, and if he wants to shut himself off from me, I, too, can play at such a game.           

Vindabona, Germania
23 November, 171 A.D.

I haven’t written for the past several days; quite frankly, I haven’t felt like it.  Playing at the game of ignoring Maximus made me feel worse than I already did.  And wondering if he has truly been sleeping with Athelinda has driven me half mad.  At least I knew, on the way here, even when Maximus and I slept on separate pallets, while in the same tent, that he wasn’t with someone else, but after our most recent quarrel, I was left to wonder if he was.  He avoided me, since that day that he threatened to go to Athelinda’s bed, spending his days and early evenings with his soldiers and fellow officers, and leaving me, late at night, to wonder where he’d gone afterwards.  What was as bad, as thinking he’d sought solace in the arms of someone else, was considering that Maximus might consider us so far gone, in terms of  becoming reconciled, that he would turn to another woman.  I knew I’d embarrassed him, when I confronted Athelinda and said the things I did, but what was he doing talking to her in the first place?  A thousand questions tormented me.  Had he merely told her, as he’d claimed, that he could not resume their relationship or had he been lying?  Had she been holding him during the long, cold nights, while I lay alone, wondering if the words he had uttered, while I’d been so ill, had merely been to keep me from giving up?  The ache within my heart grew steadily with each passing day, but I could feel my anger growing as well, and where, initially, I’d grown complaisant after our breaking apart, I could feel myself boiling inside, like a kettle that is on the verge of erupting, the steam at the surface.  

When he returned to our lodgings, early this evening, for dinner, I decided to get things out into the open.  I’d already dismissed the two slaves, both young girls, whom Maximus had purchased to help me with the housework and cooking.  We were alone, and when he sat down, I pounced, dinner be damned.

“Well, this is a first,”  I observed.  “You usually spend your time elsewhere.”

“Don’t start, Selene,”  Maximus growled.

“Don’t start what?  Wondering why you’re not buttering up your superior or drinking with your inferiors?  Or more than likely, sleeping with your whore?  How do you decide how to spend your evenings?  There are so many choices, after all.  I guess I must have been the lower rung on the ladder this evening.  The others all occupied elsewhere?”

“Let it be!”  Maximus snapped.   

“You know, for a commander, you really must have a tough time making decisions,”  I accused, standing over him.

He rose, staring me straight in the eye.   

“All right, you want to talk?  Maximus queried.  “Then quit being evasive.  Just say whatever it is you want to say.”  

His voice was low, on the defensive.

“All right.  Here’s the crux of the matter.  Either you’re content joining your whore every evening, and all the chances you said we should take, to reconcile our marriage, were nothing but a lie, or you’re unable to decide if you really want to us to find our way back to each other after all, and you find ways to distract yourself at night, so that you won’t have to think about the state we’re in.  I never thought you’d be one to have second thoughts about your decisions.  Do you not care about us or do you just not have the guts to try again?”     

Maximus’ jaw clenched, his face paling noticeably, even in the lamplight. 

“I’m not in the mood for another one of your ugly scenes, Selene,”  he informed me tersely.

“I really don’t care.  Call it what you will, we’re going to have this out once and for all.  Either we’re going to try to make our marriage work, as you said we would, or we’re finished.  I’m tired of wondering where you stand, offering one thing and doing another, vowing that you want us to give each other another chance, and then, acting as if you can’t stand the thought of touching me.”

Maximus stood staring at me.  His anger gave way to a look of pain.     

“I never said I didn’t want to touch you,”  he declared.

“Well, you don’t have to, do you?  Your actions are clear enough.  You prefer Athelinda to me.  What does she do for you that I can’t?  What does she offer that I won’t?  Why is she preferable to me, when I love you so much?”

The pain on Maximus’ face grew more intense.

“She isn’t preferable,”  he responded.  “She is not even comparable to you.”

“Then why do you go to her bed every night?”

“I don’t.”

His eyes locked with mine.

“I haven’t been to her bed, not even once, since we arrived.  I wouldn’t do that to you...to us.”

“You expect me to believe that?”

“It’s the truth!”

“Where do you go, what do you do, until the wee hours of the morning, then?”

He became defensive.

“That’s my business.”

“No, it’s mine as well,”  I protested.  “If you’re not going to be an equal partner in this relationship, if you're not going to give us another chance, after all, you owe me an explanation.”

He glared at me and took a deep breath.

“If you must know, I bury myself in work.  I’ve been spending time with General Helvius, working on battle plans for this spring.”

“Is that why you sometimes smell like a brewery when you come to bed?”

His glare intensified.

“I didn’t say I didn’t take a break from work.  Sometimes, I have a drink, occasionally a few too many, with my fellow soldiers.  As a commander, it’s good to remind my men that I am one of them and to spend time spent in their company.”

“Nothing like getting drunk to level the differences between the you and them, I suppose,”  I commented wryly.

“You are not my judge.”

“No, I’m not.  I’m not much of anything to you these days.”

Maximus said nothing, his jaw tightening, a vein pounding in his forehead.

“Maximus, why did you tell me you wanted us to have another chance if you didn’t mean it?”  I asked.

“I did mean it!”

“How could you have, considering the way you’ve been avoiding me?  First, you used the excuse that I wasn’t well, and now, you don’t have an excuse.  Were you merely pretending to care for me in order to instill the will within me to fight that fever?”

“No!  I was sincere in all that I said!”

The fervency in his eyes told me he spoke the truth.

“Then why do you refuse to touch me?”  I asked.  “Have I become unattractive to you?”

“Never!”

“Then why do you avoid me?  Why don’t you come to me?  And why have you allowed me to think that you go to Athelinda?  How can you hurt me in such a fashion?”

“I didn’t mean to.  It was your own assumption that I went to her.”

“But you did nothing to dispel it!”

“You angered me!  You insulted both she and I in front of each other!”

“She means that much to you?”

“No, quite truthfully, she does not.  Athelinda was never a woman I was seriously interested in.  How could I be?  I never saw her as anything more than an attractive woman who eased my needs.  She has a child to feed, and despite the fact that I’m sure she sees me as the enemy, at least I was kinder to her than most soldiers were.  I merely offered her some kind words when I ran into her the other day.  She deserved to know that I would no longer be her protector.”

“Her lover, you mean.”

“Yes,”  he admitted, “but we were never lovers because we were in love.  We provided things for each other; we each gained something because of the other.  She sought protection and money, and I wanted comfort and relief.  It was never anything more.”

I was silent, taking in all that he had just told me.  I believed him; his eyes never lie.  His emotions are usually so easy to read, at least with me, but even when he puts on a mask, his eyes convey his feelings so clearly.  And at that moment, they were burning with sadness, sorrow, and overwhelming pain.

“Maximus, what do I have to do in order to be granted a second chance?  I can’t bear going on this way, having you next to me, wanting you, unable to think about anything but your touch, and having you draw away from me as if I am a source of poison?  If I’m not mistaken, I often see desire in your eyes, and yet you reject me.  Why?”

I felt tears pool in my eyes, a pain stabbing deep in my chest.

He reached out to me, touching my cheek, his fingertips gliding slowly down to my chin, his thumb finally brushing my lower lip.  Our eyes met, tears misting them as we gazed at one another, and then, Maximus bent close, and captured my mouth with his, softly, gently, the barest brush of his lips on mine.  When he pulled away and looked into my eyes, his own were so full of regret and sorrow that my heart ached.

“Selene what I did that night in Lugdunum...I can’t forgive myself for the way I treated you,”  he admitted.

“I provoked you,”  I protested.  “I angered you to the point that you lost control.  The events of that night were more my fault than yours by far.”

“No.  I’ve been taught, as a soldier, not to lose control.  There was no excuse for me to do so, especially where you are concerned.”

“Maximus, you can’t expect to react to me the way you do to occurrences in battle.  Our relationship is something totally different.  No matter how much you are in command in battle, you can’t control your emotions where I am concerned, just as I can’t control mine with you.  I am your ultimate weakness...just as you are mine.”

“Precisely, and to have treated you the way I did was unforgivable.  Selene, on our wedding night, I saw how eager and excited you were to be with me, and I was thrilled.  I also saw trepidation, not from the thought of being with me, but from worrying that you might not be all that you thought I’d want.  And then, I could see, when I introduced you to various ways of loving, that you were shocked, not so much at what we could do together, but that I even wanted us to do such things.  You realized that I wanted you to be uninhibited, free to feel all sorts of things, to chase your own pleasure and revel in it.  I watched that revelation dawn in your eyes, and as you accepted it, it was like watching a glorious flower blooming for the first time.  You opened to me, full of joy, at your own response and what it meant, in terms of our explorations in loving each other.  But that night, at the inn, all that changed.  I saw fear and shame in your eyes.  It was like a knife being driven through my heart when I heard your sobs, heard you beg me not to take you the way I intended.”

“But you didn’t take me that way!  You stopped!”

“But how could I reach that point?  I was so incensed that I was willing to take your desire for me and use it, as a weapon, to humble and degrade you.  I didn’t even know I was capable of such a thing, and to think that I would react in such a manner with you, of all people...my actions make me sick.  They make me detest myself.”

I grabbed Maximus’ shoulders.

“Listen to me!”  I commanded.  “I pushed you.  I betrayed you.  I did things I should never have done.  I pushed you to the limits, and you’re not the only one who has them.  We all do, and we all react in an ugly manner when we reach them.  We all do things of which we are ashamed, and for which we blame ourselves, time and again.  Yes, you were on the verge of taking me in a sordid fashion, but it was because I roused the darkest depths within you.  The point is you didn’t go through with what you intended.  There is a part of you that loved me enough to stop, to prevent yourself from crossing a line that couldn’t be uncrossed.  You stopped yourself in time.”

“If you hadn’t cried out, I might not have!”

“But you did, regardless of what it was that brought you to that point!”

“I never thought I could treat you in such a manner!”

“You didn’t!”

“But I almost did!”

“It’s not the same thing!”

His eyes sought mine, looking for absolution, but I knew I couldn’t grant it, if he wouldn’t grant it to himself.  

“Maximus, sit down,”  I coaxed, as I gestured towards a couch, and sat down myself.  

He remained standing for a moment, resolute and unyielding.

“Please,”  I whispered softly.

He complied, sitting next to me, and I reached out to rest my hands on his shoulders.

“There are things that we need to get out in the open,”  I insisted.  “We have to be honest with each other.  If we allow our feelings, difficult though some of them may be to confront, to continue to fester, we could reach a point where we’ll never find our way back to each other.  And I would die if that happened.”

“As would I,”  he admitted, his voice low and slightly trembling.

I took his face between my hands and stared into the depths of his eyes.

“Maximus, all is forgiven on my part, and I’d hoped you’d forgiven me.”

“I have!”

“Then forgive yourself, for your sake and mine.  We both did bad things to each other.  I dishonored you, tossed all the respect I should have had for you aside.  It was foolish, childish, inexcusable behavior.  In turn, I roused your fury and you lost control.  In losing it, you almost did some things to me that might have damaged our relationship irreparably.  But you didn’t do what you started to.  There is all the difference in the world between intending to do something and actually doing it.  And just because you were tempted to do something doesn’t make you less of a person.  It’s what you actually do instead.  Maximus, the pain you’ve caused me lies in your rejection of me, not from what you almost did that night in Lugdunum.  I forgave you for that, because you didn’t harm me.  What has hurt so badly is the knowledge that I hurt you and that you, in turn, have distanced yourself from me.”

Maximus’ eyes shimmered with tears, and I’d never seen him look so vulnerable, outside of that night, in the stables, in Lugdunum, when he tried to dismiss me from his life.

For a moment, he couldn’t speak so deep was his emotion.

“Ah, cara, everyday since I almost took you in such a vulgar fashion, I’ve hated myself.  I despise what I almost did, and every time I look at you and want to be with you again, all I can see is the horror with which you looked at me, when I nearly took what is so special and sacred between us and profaned it.”

“Maximus, don’t think of the way I looked at you then.  Just see the way I’m looking at you now.  I never stopped loving you, and I want you so badly that I am half mad with desire.  I crave you with every fiber of my being, and the gods know, I will do anything, within my power, to try to make up for the pain I’ve caused you.  Life means nothing without you in it.  Please forgive me and forgive yourself, and let us find our way back to each other.”

He hugged me to him so tightly, so fervently, that his embrace actually hurt.  It made no difference; I was happier than I had been in so very long.  He could have crushed me with longing, and I wouldn’t have cared. 

“Mea columba,”  he breathed into my ear.  “I have nothing without you.  You are the other part of myself.  I am not whole without you.  There can be no one else.”

He drew back and looked at me.

“I knew that, even as I was trying to frighten you into thinking we were through,”  he admitted.  “I said the things I did to lash out at you, to hurt you as I was hurting.  I never meant them; I knew that, deep down, even as I was saying them.  I knew I’d never let you go, and I never will.  Death is the only thing that can ever separate us, and even then, I know we would each wait for the other in Elysium.”

His gaze was so intense, and there was a mixture of both anguish over what he had done and relief from his own forgiveness of himself. 

“I wanted you so much that night, in Lugdunum, Selene,”  he confessed.  “I had been without you for so long, and I needed you badly.  But I was so furious, and somehow, need and anger combined, and even though I wanted to humiliate you, I wanted to take you, to be within your depths...”

“It doesn’t matter.  What does matter is that we have forgiven each other and we have spoken what is in our hearts.  We know we never stopped loving each other and that we never will.  We also know that we both have to be more understanding, more respectful, of each other.  I know I must be, and you’re obviously learning the same lesson.”

I touched his cheek tenderly.

“It’s not going to be an easy one,”  I mused.  “I expect we’ll both find it difficult at times, but I know I will do whatever it takes to avoiding ever seeing pain in your eyes again.  Nothing is worth that.”

“Cara, I will die before I ever risk making you fear me the way you did that night in Lugdunum.  The way you looked at me, the way you cried, has tormented me ceaselessly.  As you said, no doubt we’ll have our hurdles, but I don’t want to see you look at me with fear, ever again.  And never again must you worry that I would ever leave you or cast you aside.  I might as well rip out my heart and crush it underfoot.”

I could feel myself being pulled into the infinite depths of his eyes, and I fell into them willingly, becoming lost.  I was so conscious of the warmth of his breath, the musky, masculine scent of his skin, the touch of his hands on my upper arms, their heat searing into me.

“I love you so very much, Selene,” Maximus whispered.  “I always have, and I always will.” 

I felt tears slide down my cheeks at his declaration, the words like water to the sands of a burning dessert.   

His lips were soft as he kissed my tears away, and then, he took my lower lip between his own, tickling it with the tip of his tongue.  He moved to my upper one and sucked gently, while I melted in his arms.  He tasted so sweet and warm, the taste I had craved for so long.  I opened my mouth and felt him thrust his tongue inside, exploring, groaning low in his throat, when I responded, a dance of desire commencing.  We lost ourselves in each other for several moments, our kiss deepening, and then, slowly, it ended, both of us leaning against the other, his arms holding me tightly.  

Finally, Maximus pulled away from me and tilted my chin up so that I had to look into his eyes.  They were full of love and desire, and I felt my heart soar to see evidence that his feelings for me still existed.  I thought I’d lost him, and to see the depth of his love, reflected in his eyes, made me have to fight to hold back a sob.

“I would have died if you’d stopped loving me,”  I whispered, pulling him to me again and holding him tightly.  

We clung to each other, each of us allowing our body to absorb the feel of the other, to bask in our flesh reacquainting itself with the sustenance it craved.  I felt his hand caress my cheek, my jaw, and then, his fingers wrapped themselves in my hair, and finally, they slid down my back slowly and gently stroking the length of my spine.  I gloried in the silkiness of his thick hair, and then, my fingertips glided down to his strong neck; finally, my palms rested against the warm solidity of his back, as I buried my face in his chest. 

Our moment of being reunited was rudely and abruptly interrupted by a voice outside, demanding that Maximus respond, as its owner knocked forcefully on the door. 

I recognized it as Spurius, one of the young soldiers of the Felix Legions that Maximus commanded, and though I saw Maximus frown intensely, he tore himself away from me, recognizing, as did I, the urgency in Spurius’ voice.        

He yanked on the door briskly, flinging it open.

“What is it, Spurius?”  he growled.

Spurius, his face flushed, his breath labored from running, sought to get his bearings.

“It’s General Helvius, Sir,”  he replied.  “He...”

“He what?”  Maximus barked.

“He, along with a number of his escorts, have been abducted.”

“What?” 

I saw Maximus’ face pale for an instant, and then, he pulled Spurius inside.

“Explain what happened!”  he demanded.

“It seems he decided to venture a bit further than he normally does, during a late afternoon ride, and apparently, the Germans were waiting in the wings.  They ambushed the general and approximately a dozen of his men.”

Maximus took a deep breath.  I took one of my own, for I knew what was about to ensue.  As second in command, Maximus would be left to organize and lead the search  to rescue Helvius.  My heart stuck in my throat; the mission might take anywhere from hours to days, and it would be exceedingly dangerous.  Maximus and the soldiers he would take with him could be waylaid themselves, kidnapped the same as the general, and he might then be held through the winter and tortured or killed.  I felt fear seize me,  freezing my blood.

“I want twenty of my men, ten from the first column, ten from the second,”  Maximus replied.  “Tell them to be ready within twenty minutes.  They are to take only what they need to stay warm, their weapons, and a few provisions, along with the means of  constructing a few tents.  We don’t have time to gather anything more.  It’s imperative that they be ready immediately.”

I was amazed at his ability to react so quickly.  I’d seen him weight his options in his mind, think them over, and then, decide upon his course of action, all within the space of just a few minutes.  I could understand why he made the decision he did, but at the same time, I wished he’d elected to stay at the camp and negotiate for the general’s release.  I shuddered at the thought of what might happen during his attempt to free his superior. 

“Tell my men I’ll be there soon,”  he ordered.

“Yes, Sir.”

Maximus turned to me and tried to smile, but the effort fell flat.  

“Talk about bad timing,”  he observed.

“The worst,”  I agreed.

“I’ll be back as soon as I can,”  he insisted.  

“Please be careful,”  I pleaded.  “I can’t lose you after all I’ve been through.  I know you have to do your duty, but don’t sacrifice yourself.  Your sense of honor won’t matter if we lose each other.”

“I promise I’ll be back,”  he vowed.  “Don’t doubt it, although it may take a long time.  I’ll assign some of my men to look after you and see to your safety.”

“See to your own,”  I replied.

He pulled me to him and held me tightly for a minute, and then, he kissed me deeply, cradling my face in his hands while he did so.  I responded with all the longing and need I felt, both of us holding the other in the tightest of embraces.

“Soon, cara,”  he whispered.  “I’ll be back as soon as I can.”

I nodded, and then, he turned, grabbing his cloak, heading for the door.  Before he opened it, though, he turned and looked at me again. 

“I love you, Selene,”  he offered.  “Truly, I never did stop loving you.  You are everything to me.”

“And you to me.  Hurry back.”

His eyes held mine for a moment, and then, he was gone.  I opened the door and watched him stride across the grounds of the camp, a magnificent figure, tall, strong, and proud, who exuded authority in his walk, his actions, in every aspect of himself.  He looked invincible, like Mars himself, come to earth to wage war.  But I was all too well aware of the fact that he was only human, despite his belief that he is invulnerable and that those under his command are unconquerable.  As a master tactician, he is well aware of what his adversaries may try, in terms of an attack, yet attempting to track down the general, boldly going after him, is probably what the Germans wanted and expected.       

He is immensely skilled, expertly trained, and exceedingly shrewd, and as such, I knew he would think about what he was doing and try to put his enemy off guard, but at the same time, he also obviously realized that time was of the essence, the need, to reach Valerius as quickly as possible, imminent.  I wondered if he would devise some sort of ruse that would surprise his enemies, or merely try to catch up with and defeat them by relying upon the large retinue of soldiers at his command, counting upon the fact that they were better trained and equipped.

I could feel my heart thundering as I watched he and the select members of his legion ride away.  He and I had been on the verge of reconciling; surely, that chance wouldn’t be taken away from us!  I couldn’t lose Maximus, not like this, longing for us to at last heal the damage that we’d done and find our way back to each other.  My heart was broken and in need of the healing that only he could provide.  I knew I would never be whole again, until he was in my arms and I in his, our flesh and spirits one again, all barriers between us eradicated.  I needed his forgiveness and he needed mine; he had suggested that we take tentative steps towards reconciliation, as I was recuperating from my fever, but I realize now, looking back, that he didn’t want that any more than I; he was merely afraid that we might not be able to find our way back to each other.  But we knew, after that moment we’d shared, just before his departure, that we could; we both saw it in each other’s eyes...and I knew I couldn’t have the chance, for us to finally be reunited, taken away.

The night seemed interminable, the seconds ticking away like hours.  I sat in our lodgings, watching the fire, in the brazier, its flames becoming almost hypnotic.  I tried to blank out memories which were too painful to recall, but I couldn’t stop them for long.  I saw Maximus’ face again, on the day that I’d first met him, as he drank in the sight of me;  I remembered the determination with which he’d proposed, unwilling to take no for an answer; I relived the moment, when he’d gazed upon me, with such love, as we said our marriage vows; I gloried in the lust, tenderness, and pride in his eyes as he loved me for the first time.  All that he had done in Lugdunum was forgiven; now, if I could only have the chance to convince him to forgive himself.

I was utterly exhausted, waiting for word of the outcome of the general’s rescue mission.  A few times I almost nodded off but not for long, my body too tense, my mind too preoccupied, to permit any rest.  So many possibilities of what could happen tormented me; what if Maximus were captured too?  The gods only knew what the Germans would do to him.  I felt sick at the mere contemplation.  Maximus was Helvius' second in command, and if the current expectations were met, he would might well be taking the general’s place soon.  How the Germans would love to break, torture, and perhaps murder the young warrior whose abilities and reputation proceeded him!  My terror grew by the minute, and I felt as if I were on the verge of screaming.  I got up and paced back and forth, in an attempt to calm my nerves, but it did little good.  The quarters felt hot and stuffy, and I put on my cloak, pulled the hood up around my face, and went outside, breathing in the mercilessly frigid air.  It was so cold that I was soon thoroughly chilled, but it provided a momentary distraction; I cared not that it was an extremely uncomfortable one. 

I hated this place, this foreign land that was so rugged, desolate, and dark.  It seemed there was never much sunshine, and when there was, it did nothing to dispel the cold.  It seemed to be perpetually gray, either snow or freezing rain continually abounding.  All I could see, in the distance, were trees, an endless forest, and the quarter moon, above, casting a brittle glow that added to the sense of unnatural stillness with which this land was imbued.  To think that Maximus, who loved the warmth, the sunshine, the golden summers in Hispania, the rugged mountains and lush fields of his homeland, might die, in such a forbidding, unforgiving place, started my tears anew.  I felt choked with grief, consumed with it.  It was a familiar feeling; it had been ever since that night in Lugdunum, and I was so weary of its constant weight, a burden too heavy to bear.

As the night advanced, I spent some time outside, pacing, and when thoroughly chilled, I returned inside.  Several times, I found myself gazing into the forest, unconsciously hoping, I’m sure, for some sign of Maximus’ return.  By my calculations, it was well past midnight; he had left just after twilight had emerged, around seven hours previously.  The soldiers on guard looked at me, as if they should hasten me inside, out of the cold, knowing the man in charge of their command, after Helvius, was expecting them to look out for his wife, but none approached, hesitant to intrude upon my privacy.  I knew I needed to be inside, but I hated being alone with my memories, so many of them turning on me.  What if Maximus didn’t return tonight?  What if it were days or weeks, or even months?  I began to shake at the mere thought.  I couldn’t take it.  I knew I couldn’t.  To be here in this place, enduring such a brutal, merciless winter in a foreign land, wondering everyday if Maximus were dead, would be more than I could take.  I started to cry, panic overtaking me; a wild thought seized me, namely that if word of Maximus’ death were to be delivered to me, all I had to do was go out into the night and stay there; by morning, I would be dead, my spirit united with his in the afterlife. 

It was the only measure of comfort I could find, the only thought which calmed me to the point that I didn’t become hysterical.  Images flashed through my mind, try as I might to control them, of Maximus attempting to remain brave, refusing to cry out or plead for mercy, while being tortured, and I sobbed with terror.  My beautiful Maximus, so strong and unyielding on the outside, so vulnerable within; I couldn’t stand the thought of him being hurt.

Manius, one of the soldiers assigned to look after me, finally approached.

“Domina, you really should go inside,”  he insisted.  “It may be a while before your husband returns, and it is far too cold for you out here.”

“Just for a while, Manius,”  I replied.  “I feel too confined indoors.”

He nodded sympathetically.

“How long do you think it will take for them to reach and rescue the general?”  I asked, even though I knew Manius wasn’t really any more capable than I of predicting a time.

“Hopefully, soon, Domina,”  he responded, “but it’s difficult to say.  It depends upon so many factors.”

“How could this have happened?”  I asked.  “I thought battles were to cease until spring.”

“Battles, yes, but not ambushes nor other less direct forms of attack.”

“Why did General Helvius go out into the woods knowing what could happen?”

“Your guess is as good as mine.  He thought himself incapable of being apprehended, I suspect.”

Much like Maximus.  I could hear the words in my mind, and I once again began to speculate what his fate would be.

I eventually had to return inside, for much as I wanted to stay outdoors, the cold finally drove me there.  I went to our bedroom and sat on the bed, holding Maximus’ pillow close, thinking of how his head rested upon it each night.  I glanced at his grooming implements on a nearby table; there were bathing oils, his razor, his comb.  I hugged the pillow close; I could smell Maximus upon it, and I feared I’d never breath in his essence again.

The hours passed so slowly.  Everything seemed unreal, as if I were trapped on some sort of plane, beyond space and time, where I was powerless, unable to do more than wait and wonder.  I curled up on the bed, continuing to hold Maximus’ pillow tightly, trying to block out the scenarios with which my overactive imagination tormented me.  Finally, I could stand no more and I ventured outside once again.  The cold was uncomfortable, but even as its icy needles pricked my skin, at least it diverted me, momentarily, from considering what could happen to Maximus. 

I wasn’t sure that I was seeing correctly when the sight first caught my eye, but as I peered more closely, I could see several men advancing from the forest, in the hills just above.  For a moment, I wondered if we were under attack by the Germans, even though the winter was supposed to be off limits in terms of fighting; who could rely upon them honoring such a concession, considering they’d captured Helvius during the time when there was supposed to be a truce?  I felt my heart pound, though, even after I discerned that the men were indeed Roman; they were the select members of the Felix Legions, no doubt, who had left with Maximus, but where was he?  My eyes searched desperately for any sign of him, but I could see none.  My throat seemed to close; I couldn’t breath, and my vision blurred.  I felt as if my heart would burst within me, as I kept scanning the column frantically.  Finally, as the troop advanced closer to the clearing, I saw Maximus, riding next to a litter, and so great was my relief that I started running towards him, falling once, so weak were my legs, but managing to rise again.  He saw me, and after exchanging words with Quintus, one of his trusted friends, he rode Scarto quickly towards me.  When he reached me, dismounting in a flash, I threw dignity to the wind, ran to him as fast as I could, and fell into his arms.  I expected him to rebuff me, wishing to adhere to his sense of decorum, but I didn’t care.  When he gathered me closely to him, hugging me tightly, I felt my tears start to flow.

“I thought you were hurt...or worse,”  I confessed, fighting back a sob.

“I’m fine,”  he assured me.

“I didn’t see you in the column of soldiers.  You usually ride at the head of the them.”

“This was an informal mission, even if it was essential.  I rode next to the general’s litter.”

“He was injured?”

“He hurt his leg rather badly in a fall, but fortunately, it’s not broken, only badly bruised.  He’ll recover.”

He continued to hold me closely.

“Thanks to you,”  I pointed out, but he shrugged off my praise.  

“You’re freezing, Selene,”  he observed.  “How long have you been out here?”

“I don’t know.  For a while.”

“It wasn’t very long ago that you had a fever.  You shouldn’t be out here at all.”

“I couldn’t help watching for you.”

“I guess it’s good I got this mission over with quickly,”  he observed wryly.  “Otherwise, you’d have frozen to death.”

He looked at me in a chastising fashion.

“Come, let’s go inside.”

Once we did, and there were no more curious eyes to take note of our actions, I hugged him fiercely.

“Maximus, I was so afraid of what might happen to you,”  I confessed.

Apparently, I’d had good reason to be; I noticed that there were bloodstains all on his clothes.

“You had to kill men to rescue the general,”  I observed.

“Yes, but I’m all right, and Helvius will be too.  Plus, we didn’t lose any men.  Just three injured.”

“What happened?”

“Several of the Germans had lain in wait for Helvius.  I’m sure they were expecting us to follow, but we arrived much quicker than they’d thought we would.  There was a fight, but my twenty soldiers, combined with the general’s ten, put the odds in our favor.  We outnumbered our opponents about three to one, so the battle didn’t last long.  The Germans are fierce fighters, though.  I met one fellow who was as quick as lightening with a wicked looking knife that, though crudely made, wielded an especially nasty blade.”

I pulled him back into my arms, oblivious of the blood, until, when I hugged him again, I noticed that he winced.

I pulled away, looking at Maximus sharply.

“You’re injured?”  I asked.

“Just a scratch,”  he insisted.

“The man with the crudely made knife?”  I asked.

Maximus nodded.

“I’ll discern for myself whether he delivered a mere scratch,”  I replied.  “Sit down and take off your shirt.”

He grinned rather sheepishly at my command.

“As you wish, milady,”  he murmured, complying.

I looked at him exasperatedly.

“An injury is nothing to joke about,”  I scolded.

“It’s a minor one,”  he insisted again.

I inspected a wound on his left side.  It had bled significantly, but when I got some warm water and soap and cleaned it, I could see that, indeed, it was more of a superficial slash than anything else; it didn’t go beyond the surface level.

“I moved pretty quickly,”  Maximus observed, looking, along with me, at the injury.

“Just in the nick of time, I’d say,”  I replied.

I busied myself washing the wound further, then I applied a salve and placed a bandage on it.  As I did so, I couldn’t push aside the thought that if Maximus hadn’t been so quick, or if his opponent has struck only a second or two sooner, he might be lying before me, mortally wounded. My hands shook as I secured the bandage with some plaster.  Once I’d finished, Maximus took both of them within his own, and I looked into his eyes.  They were full of compassion for my fears, alight with tenderness.

“I know what you’re thinking, Selene, but what you envisioned didn’t happen,”  he declared..  ‘I’m all right.”    

“You might not have been if your adversary had struck sooner or if you hadn’t been as fast...”

“Life is full of ifs, cara.  We take our chances and do our best.  It’s all we can do.”

“That’s not good enough!  I could have lost you!”

“But you didn’t!”

“But I could have!  And I’m so tired of feeling that you’re lost to me, whether it be because of some unseen enemy or because you’ve been so angry at me...”

“I’m not lost to you, cara.  And I hate the fact that I’ve hurt you.  You were right, earlier, when you said we needed to settle things once and for all.  We do.  Both of us have been under the weight of a terrible burden, ever since Lugdunum, and it’s time we put an end to it.”

“Let’s.  Once and for all.”

“My sentiments exactly,”  he responded.

I’d been sitting next to him on our bed, and our eyes met.  Gently, he took the bandages, that were lying in my lap, and laid them aside.  His eyes were warm and tender, yet full of the promise of passion.  I fell into them, feeling myself swimming in their depths.  I could see love fiercely emanating from them, my own emotion rising in an overwhelming rush; it seemed I had been waiting forever for Maximus to look at me like that again; for a time, I feared he never would.

His mouth captured mine, and I sighed with longing and how good it felt to have him lay claim to me again.  I stroked the back of his neck as he kissed me deeply, his actions not as gentle this time as they had been previously.  No doubt the aggressiveness he needed, earlier this evening, in rescuing the general, was translating to other needs, but the hunger, within him, while born of long denial, was also based upon the urge to erase all the memories of what had occurred in Lugdunum.  I responded with my own sense of urgency; I needed to let him know that he was completely forgiven and that I was still unequivocally his, now the partner that he wanted and had to have, the woman who would, instead of indulging her own childish whims, be the one to whom he could turn.  The evidence I’d seen, that night in the stables, when he’d turned on me, allowed me to see that beneath the stoic, dignified, rigid warrior was a vulnerable, sensitive man who could be hurt, even though it made him angry, especially at himself, for anyone to suspect that such was the case.  I’d seen that vulnerability, and that was one of the main reasons he’d been so furious with me.  His pride made him try to keep his mask in place, but he would learn, hopefully, that he had to let it down sometimes, and that there was no safer place for him to do so than with me.

He rained kisses upon my cheeks, my eyes, my jaw, and my ears, his tongue tracing the outline of the latter, while I shivered at his touch.  He nuzzled my neck, nibbling, laving, finally sucking upon it, while I whispered in his ear how much I’d longed for this moment.  I felt my shoulders and then my breasts bared, as Maximus slipped my dress down, and I watched desire flood his eyes, turning them to blue, crackling flames.  His breath was hot, his skin fevered, as his nostrils flared, and it struck me that he looked like a large male animal, ready to claim what was his.  I felt a thrill of excitement shoot through me at the thought, and I felt passion uncoil and grow within.  It spread throughout me as Maximus reached for my breasts, and I moaned aloud at the feel of his warm, large hands once again stroking and squeezing my flesh, my nipples turning into rigid peaks, as he gently pinched them.  When he bent his head and took the right one into his mouth, I held his head to me tightly, while he suckled fiercely, pulling on the nipples, then biting, until once, I jumped in pain, but it was a sensation I welcomed, Maximus letting go enough to loosen the reins of his own control.

I ran my hands down the hard, finely honed muscles of his back while he continued to nurse, seemingly unable to get enough.  His hand kept squeezing my other breast in rhythm to his sucking, and I felt myself becoming drenched in response to his actions, the longing for him to thrust himself into me growing with an alarming ferocity.  Maybe he sensed it; more than likely, it was his own need pushing him onward, but when he finally raised his head and looked at me, I swear I’d never seen such raw lust and overwhelming need in his eyes ever before, even when, in the days just after our wedding, he had loved me so vehemently.  I closed my eyes in the wake of it, so weak did it make me with desire.

Each of us made short work of divesting the other of clothing, and when I gazed upon Maximus’ virile yet beautiful body, such an example of male perfection, I drew in a breath and let my eyes feast.  He soon pushed me beneath him, lying on top, but, unable to stop myself, I rolled atop him; I had to touch him everywhere; I felt compelled to reacquaint myself with the living flesh of which I had continually dreamed during our estrangement.  My hands stroked his shoulders and chest, loving the feel of the hard muscle beneath my fingers.  With satisfaction, I felt them tense under me, his excitement escalating; with fascination, I watched his nipples harden as I teased them, first with my fingers, then with my tongue; with a sigh of sheer desire, I caressed the rigid length of Maximus' erection, his penis so huge and hard, his tip weeping with drop after drop of his essence.  I took him into my mouth, swirling my tongue around his slit to catch the pearly drops, reveling in the taste of him.  I caressed the underside of his shaft, knowing how sensitive it is, listening to him grunt, feeling his hips undulate when I did so.  I began to suck, working hard to take in as much of him as I could, determined to slide him as deeply down my throat as I could, but even as he started to thrust, he made me stop, pulling me up, and then rolling me beneath him again.

“Too soon,”  he murmured.  “I want to be inside you.”

I could hear such longing in his voice, but he held back a while longer, as his mouth and hands caressed the length of my body.  He was greedy and uncontrolled, allowing some of the restraint, he always managed to maintain, to escape.  He sucked and nipped the insides of my thighs, the latter action creating a bruise, on my left one, that marked me, and I knew he intended it as such; he seemed to want to brand me as his.  I cared not; in fact, I reveled in being taken with such abandon; though it felt like mastery, him loving me in such a wild manner, it also was a surrender of sorts; Maximus was giving me his all.

He pulled my legs impatiently apart and began to devour me, drinking from me noisily as he lapped unceasingly, my juices flowing copiously.  His tongue slipped into my sheath, stroking ceaselessly, and when he withdrew it, only to begin lapping and then sucking at my by now exceedingly sensitized bundle of nerves, I felt myself slipping over the edge.  When he penetrated me deeply with one, then two, of his fingers and began to work me from the inside, it took only a few strokes before I crashed and splintered, screaming his name.  He rose up to cover my mouth with his own, before I woke the entire camp, but I could see delight in his eyes that he could evoke such a response from me.

I was still feeling aftershocks when he slid into me, and I gasped with ecstasy that he was finally lodged deep within, as I’d so longed for him to be, seemingly for an eternity.  Having been without him for nearly two months, he was a very tight fit, the walls of my sheath stretched to their limits, in an effort to contain him.  The sensation was unbearably blissful, and I cried out with need, despite the initial discomfort, urging Maximus to go deeper. 

“More!  I cried.  “Maximus, I need all of you!”

He grunted in response, pushing himself deeper than he’d ever gone, pulling my legs up over his shoulders to go deeper yet.  It initially hurt, big as he was, for him to push so far, but I didn’t care; I felt so filled with him, his cock buried in the depths of my body.  For a moment, he just lay still, seemingly overwhelmed, as was I, by our joining, but then, he started to thrust, slow and deep, and I cried out at the sheer joy his movements produced. 

“Ah, cara,’  he whispered.  “To be inside you again...nothing on earth feels like this.”

Tears poured down my face to know that he still felt for me what he always had; my heart felt as if it were going to burst from the knowledge that he still loved and desired me as much as ever.  To my amazement, I saw tears in his eyes as well, and as I stared at them, in astonishment, I felt them drop onto my breast; they were more precious to me than the rarest jewel, and I felt absolved of the pain I’d caused Maximus with such an offering, for he made no effort to hide them.

“Forgive me, mea columba,”  he whispered, as he thrust harder, adjusting his pace to a faster rhythm.

“Only if you can pardon me,”  I murmured, jerking my own hips to meet his, our eyes locked each to the other as surely as our bodies.

“With all my heart,”  he vowed.  “Never will I allow anything to come between us again.”

I gripped his upper arms and cried out as he struck the spot within me that always left me helpless with pleasure; well acquainted with that area and my response to its stimulation, Maximus exerted all the friction he could against it, time and again, leaving me reeling.  Feeling him reach beneath me and lift my hips upwards, his strong hands gripping me hard, he increased the intensity and speed of his thrusts, until we were both nearly out of control.  I could feel my release building, as, I judged, Maximus could his own; panting heavily and sweating profusely, he was pumping frenziedly, driving towards the pinnacle for which he was striving. 

I found my own with an intensity that shook me to the core, my whole body feeling as if it were convulsing, as I screamed Maximus’ name.  Deep within, I could feel my muscles repeatedly clamping down on his flesh, until with a roar, he slammed even deeper into me, thrust a couple more times, and then shook violently, as his entire frame was wracked with wave after wave of powerful tremors, his essence flooding me.

“Selene!”  he cried, his face buried in my neck.  “I love you, cara!”

“And I you...forever and always,”  I murmured, holding on to him as tightly as I could. 

After a few moments, he slipped out of me and slid my legs down from his shoulders, holding me close after doing so.  We lay entwined, on our sides, looking at each other. 

“I’ve been dreaming of that for so long,”  he admitted.

“Not anymore than I have,”  I replied.

“So many nights in those tents...lying next to you was torture.”

“We seemed so far apart, though we were so close.”

He pushed a damp tendril of my hair back from my face, and allowed his fingers to trace the outlines of my nose, my mouth.

“Cara, I can’t go through this again,”  he confessed.  “I love you too much for us to ever be apart, except when my duties, with the Army, demand that it be so.  I won’t allow us to be estranged again.”

“You don’t have to ever worry about that again, Maximus,”  I responded.  “Painful as our separation was, I learned from it.  I did some terrible things to you, things I will always regret.”

“Don’t, cara.  Let us lay our guilt aside.  Don’t carry a burden where I’m concerned.”

“I won’t.  I just know that I have to be more responsible and quit striving to have my way at any cost.  Nothing will ever be worth seeing you hurt again.  I never want to see pain in your eyes, over anything I’ve done to you, anymore than you want to see it in mine.”

“I don’t want you to stop being who you are, though,”  Maximus insisted.

“Oh, don’t worry,”  I teased.  “There will still be arguments aplenty.”

I stroked his face tenderly, enjoying the feel of his beard, the contours of his beautiful face.

“But never again will I carry them to the point that I cause you pain, regret, or humiliation.  I never want to be the cause of that again.”

“Truce?”  Maximus asked, a half smile on his lips.

“I will meet your terms of surrender,”  I confessed.  

Then, I playfully added, “Of course, there will be clauses and exceptions.”

He laughed, the sound music to my ears; it was playful and indulgent, and his eyes sparkled with a joy that brought tears to my own.

Maximus wiped them away and leaned over to kiss me deeply.  I responded with all the emotion I felt, and before long, we were once again loving each other.  We made love the rest of the night, both of us letting go in ways that we never had before.  We reached heights of ecstasy that left us both weak and trembling, as he rode me and I him, as he took me from behind, as we loved each other with hands and mouths, our passion unable to be quenched.  I couldn’t get enough of him nor he of me, our thirst raging out of control. 

Early this morning, when night is darkest just before dawn, Maximus fell asleep in my arms, while I lay awake.  I was sore and bruised, inside and out, marks evident upon various areas of my skin roughened from his beard and mouth.  But then, he was wearing plenty of marks I’d inflicted upon him; no doubt all the layers of clothing he’d have to wear would be handy in more ways than one.  I smiled, feeling completely satiated, content, and thoroughly loved, happier than I’d imagined, over the past two months, I could ever be again. 

But there is something else that occupies my mind, almost as much as my reflection about being reclaimed by Maximus, as knowing that he had never stopped loving me and that he never would.  I wonder if perhaps I’ve at last conceived a child.  We’d made love often enough in the time between our wedding and Maximus’ departure, but for whatever reasons, pregnancy didn’t result.  It is possible that it has this time?  I feel so different now than I did, just after our wedding, when I was always haunted by the fear of having a child.  I wanted to conceive, yet I was afraid to.  But now, I am no longer disturbed by the possibility that Maximus’ seed has taken root; in fact, the thought is comforting.  It dawned on me, when he went to battle, how easily I could lose him; I’d known that, but actually waiting for him to return made me see how precarious life truly is, more so than words ever could convey.  I want a part of him, to hold, nurture, and cherish so badly, just in case I ever do lose him.  That night, at the inn, when I’d held Camilla and wondered if I’d ever have the chance to hold Maximus’ child, changed my perspective immensely.  It’s not that I’m no longer totally unafraid, but the need for a child, that Maximus and I have created, out of our love for each other, is stronger.  I fear enduring  pregnancy in this strange land, during such a brutal winter, just as I fear giving birth here, but I can’t regret it if  a baby is the result of this night.  By all means, I should have used the herbs, with which one of the midwives in Trujillo supplied me, in order not to have a child in such a harsh, backward land, but in the heat of the moment, once Maximus and I gave in to our emotions, I never even thought of them.  Once we’d started pouring out our passion, our only thoughts were of each other.    

Now, in the afternoon light, while Maximus is involved elsewhere, no doubt discussing upcoming battles with Helvius, I have to confront the obstacles I am facing, if I am indeed pregnant, and they aren’t small, not by any means.  It won’t be easy to find a qualified midwife, if at all, in this place, under these circumstances, and as for the time when the baby will be born, it will be due in August, before Maximus is granted leave to return home.  That will mean delivering my child far from home, in an Army camp.  I shudder to think of such a predicament, and I wonder how Maximus will react when I tell him I am pregnant; I have no doubt that he would be happy about the baby, but what will be his response when he considers the circumstances of its birth?  First things first, though.  I don’t know that I am pregnant, and I won’t say anything to Maximus unless I am certain.  That would be too much of a strain on him, while his thoughts are engaged elsewhere; there is no sense in worrying him if it’s not necessary.  If I’m not pregnant, then I should be selfless enough, for both Maximus’ sake and mine, as well as the baby’s, most of all, and use the herbs to prevent a pregnancy, while here in Germania.  Only time will reveal what is to occur, and for now, I just want to hold onto the knowledge, and the peace that it brings, that I have Maximus back.