Book III, Chapter 15
Vindobona, Germania
18 April-9 June, 171 A.D.

 

18 April

Maximus left four weeks ago, and already, it seems like four years.  Every day, I wake at dawn, imagining him getting ready for battle and then leading his legion in a ferocious clash with the Germans; I cannot help but see him, riding Scarto, cutting the enemy down, his sword raised, or standing in the mud, facing an adversary intent upon killing him.  In either situation, death is so close; one movement which is a second too slow, one twist the wrong way, one fall if his foot slips...there are endless possibilities of what could occur.  I know he is a skilled fighter, but even so, he is only human, and throughout each day, I imagine dozens of different scenarios that could befall him.

But thankfully, I do have our child to ease my mind somewhat.  I don’t feel much different physically, as a result of pregnancy.  Some mornings I am nauseous, and I tire easily, but otherwise, I don’t seem to be suffering from extreme sickness, for I have a reasonably good appetite.  I haven’t told anyone yet; it is my secret, and I really don’t want to hear any horror tales from any of the other soldiers’ wives.  I merely want to hang onto the knowledge of which only I am aware.  I know I should tell my father or Marcia, for I write to each of them often, and this is something I should share, but it is too soon, and besides, I want Maximus to be the first to know.

There is little to do here now but become absorbed in thinking.  With Maximus gone, I feel alone, but in the letters I write to him, I am careful not to seem downhearted or frightened; he needs my encouragement and support.  The weather is still rainy and drizzly, although not as cold.  Even if it did become much warmer, though, I can’t venture out very far, due to Germans possibly attempting to attack the fort with the legion gone.  Lucius went with the troops, of course, so there are no more medicines to make.  Sometimes, I am hopelessly bored, and even though I do spend time, occasionally, with the other wives, I don’t find them all that companionable.  I’m younger than most of them, but since Maximus is second in command, after Hevius, they seems rather deferential to me, and I’m not all that comfortable with my new found status.  Helvius’ wife, Livia, is the easiest person to whom I can talk; she seems to understand much of what I’m experiencing, in terms of adjusting to Maximus’ absence, as well as my fears for him, but deep down, they are not something which I wish to discuss.  I know it seems superstitious, but I feel that the more I talk about my worries, the more likely they are to materialize.

I look at the latest letter Maximus sent to me.  It, as are all his others, was written on vellum, a luxury he has permitted himself, or rather me, since he wants his letters to last.  I’ve tucked it, along with his previous ones, inside my journal, his reassurances intertwined with my doubts.  This one is especially dear:

 

    

I’d hugged the letter to my breast, as I’d read it, tears falling as I did so.  He misses me no more than I do him, and the time that we spend apart is one of the most difficult trials I’ve ever endured.  But I do understand that he has to do what he feels compelled to do; it is part of who he is.  Nevertheless, I see him, lonely in his tent, thinking of all he must endure, afraid of what his fate might be, loathe as he is to admit such things, and I am saddened and pained. 

I will add this letter, to the pile of others he has written, under my pillow.  He said my handkerchief was his talisman, but his letters are mine.  Each time I receive a new one, I will be able to remind myself that he has survived thus far, and we can put another few days behind us, days in which he has remained safe.  I measure his time away from me in such a manner and hope that he will soon be back within my arms.       

       

 

2 May

The day before yesterday proved to be quite a shock.  Gaius, one of Livia’s slaves, came to the door and delivered a note.  I opened it quickly, wondering what was inside.  It contained only a short message:

 

 

I gasped.  I wasn’t prepared, despite Livia’s admonition, to meet, of all people, the emperor himself.  I became agitated, wondering how I would ever make myself presentable, knowing the two good dresses I’d brought with me probably would be too tight by now; even though I wasn’t overtly showing, in terms of my pregnancy, it was doubtful my previous garments would still fit, at least in the manner they should.  My hair was difficult to manage, long and thick as it is; during the day, I usually wear it pulled back in a long braid, and at night, for Maximus, I wear it unbound.  But for an occasion, such as meeting the emperor, a style much more elaborate would be required, and I didn’t have the faintest idea what to do in terms of creating one.  I had possessed the good sense to bring along a few good jewels, in case there was a special occasion, but I had thought that would consist of dining with Helvius and his wife, not with Caesar.

My hands started to tremble, and I began to feel weak, wishing that Maximus were here, to help me through this ordeal, but much as I wished otherwise, he couldn’t be here, and he’d be depending upon me to make him proud.  I needed to make a good impression, but even though I was capable of such a feat, of course, having dined, during trips abroad with my father, in homes of men of power and prestige, I’ve never have believed I’d be sharing a meal with Marcus Aurelius. 

I wished I had someone with whom to converse, confiding my anxiety, but Fabia and Velina are too young, and besides, I didn’t want to lose my sense of authority in front of them.  As for Livia, I would seem childish and immature, not to mention provincial, if I appeared nervous and uncertain, so I gave myself a good talking to and started to work on a plan to look my best.

I had to admit that it wasn’t just the fact that I was about to meet the emperor which set my nerves on edge.  Oh, it was a daunting enough prospect, in and of itself, especially since I needed to make a good impression, for Maximus’ sake, considering how highly he thought of Marcus Aurelius, but in the back of my mind lingered the knowledge that Maximus had once loved Caesar’s daughter, Lucilla.  Maximus had never mentioned his affair with her until after we’d arrived here at the fort.  One day, Publius’ wife, a young woman who is exceedingly arrogant, made the observation that it must be difficult to deal with the fact that Maximus had, only a few years previously, been in love with none other than the emperor’s daughter herself.

Restless and unsettled about such information, I had brought it up to Maximus, one nigh back in January, trying not to sound accusatory but needing some answers, nonetheless.

“You never told me about Lucilla,”  I had broached while we ate dinner.

I have to give credit to Maximus; I expected him to choke on his food or do something that indicated his complete surprise, but he only stopped chewing and looked directly at me.

“Lot of gossip among Livia’s minions, I see,”  he’d coolly observed.

“You did have an affair with her,”  I’d challenged.

His eyes remained locked with mine.

“Yes, we did have a relationship,”  he’d admitted.

“Why did you never tell me about it?”  I’d asked.

“Why would I wish to?  It was over long ago.”

“Why did you break it off?”  I’d pressed.

“I didn’t,”  he admitted.  “Her father did.  He had plans for her to marry Lucius Verus.”

“You became involved with her knowing that?”

He’d looked distracted for a moment, his gaze far away.

“No, I had no idea at the time that she was betrothed to anyone.  I found out one day by accident.”

I was silent for several moments, thinking about the implications of such an event, realizing how hurt he must have been.

“If she hadn’t be betrothed, what would have happened?”  I asked bluntly.

“I don’t know,”   Maximus admitted.  “I suspect, immature as both of us were, it would have worn itself out.  But I’m glad things turned out the way they did, mainly because I love you in a way I never did or could  love Lucilla.”

“How do you know that?”

“She was out of my heart before I ever met you,”  he’d declared.  “Selene, I was young when Lucilla and I began the affair.”

“You’re young now.”

He’d smiled.

“Yes, but I was younger then, only 21, and though that doesn’t seem very long ago, it was, in terms of what I’ve learned about both myself and others.”

“Which is what?’

“Many things, cara, but most of all that neither Lucilla nor I were meant to be together.  She isn’t a bad person, but she has her flaws...as do I.  She has learned, through necessity, to lie, pretend, and, in essence, put on a false face.  I see now that I never really knew her, at least not nearly like I thought I did.  There is a veneer that obscures who Lucilla really is, and I could never break through it; she has a role to play, as the emperor’s daughter, but it spills over into every aspect of her life.”

He’d taken a deep breath and continued with his thoughts.  

“She knew she was going to marry another, but she used me at her whim, telling me that she loved me, but I doubt if she ever did.  And I wasn’t blameless.  I allowed her to use me.  We thought we were in love, but it wasn’t anything approaching it, in reality.  At best, we felt lust and infatuation, nothing more.  I was hurt when I found out what she’d done, but I was angry as well.  I saw her without the blinders I had before, and that effectively put an end to my feelings for her.”

“You don’t still think of her?”

He’d reached out and taken my hand.  

“Only as a memory,”  he’d assured me.  “She was a beautiful girl, on the edge of womanhood, who was passionate and curious, and we both enjoyed, all too much, indulging our sexual feelings.”

“Didn’t you risk much in loving her?”

“I did.”

“I’m guessing it could have cost you your life, if you’d been discovered.”

“We were discovered.”

“The emperor’s reaction?”

“He considered my patrician background and informed me he held me in high esteem, despite what I’d done, due to my integrity and skills as a soldier, plus he realized that, while I had serious feelings for Lucilla, she’d deceived me.  All that taken into consideration, he allowed me to go with my career in the Army, saying my punishment would be my separation from Lucilla.”

He’d looked reflective.

“What he didn’t know was that leaving Lucilla, after learning about her deceit, was no form of punishment but rather a bitter lesson that taught me some harsh but necessary truths,”  he’d mused.

Maximus had been direct, and I felt sorry for what he’d endured, not jealous.  He saw that and began softly stroking my fingers.

“Have I vindicated myself?”  he’d asked quietly.

I’d run my fingers down his forearm lightly, while meeting his eyes directly.

“There wasn’t anything to vindicate,”  I’d replied.  “You wouldn’t have married me, if you hadn’t been sure it was right.  I was merely curious about your involvement with Lucilla.”

“What?  No jealousy?”  he’d teased.

“Get over yourself!”  I’d retorted.  “We both know you got the better deal with me.  I may not be royal, but I’m enough for your hot blood!”

He’d laughed heartily, agreeing, and I’d been content.  He’d always spoken volumes with his eyes, and I saw no love for Lucilla within them.  The feelings he’d once had for her were gone; there were only memories of happy times spent in the company of a beautiful young girl; even the anger he’d once felt, over her lies, had dissolved.  What did provide some food for thought, however, was the possibility that, even though Lucilla was, by all accounts, very stroking in appearance, she was the emperor’s daughter, and I wondered if that was an additional reason Maximus found her so attractive.  Had he been aiming high, even at such a young age, with or without realizing it?  He had the blood necessary to marry Caesar’s daughter; had he intended to try to use it, seeing an opportunity to do so, when he recognized that Lucilla had feelings for him?

He would have been quite young to consider such matters, but he is an ambitious man in many respects, although not in the usual sense.  I don’t think he wants personal glory, but I know he wants to serve Rome to a great extent.  He is noble and full of integrity, and while he doesn’t want his star to shine, for his own sake, I sense that he wants to do something significant, in order to feel that he has accomplished something important and worthwhile.  Most men become that way when they are older, but Maximus is always thinking ahead.  He is restless, and his nature is to question and seek.  He thrives on challenge, and he wants to know he has spent time making his life count for something.  As such, he craves reaching new heights, new goals, and farmer though he is, he doesn’t want to settle for an ordinary life, at least not yet.  If I am reading him right, he doesn’t need for people to recognize him, and he doesn’t care about being in the forefront so that people know his name.  That is irrelevant; he wants to know he has accomplished something of which he can be proud, that he has contributed to something larger than himself, in the grand scheme of things. 

As such, he knows that it is essential to maintain Caesar’s attention, though I’m sure he never lost it, after his affair with Lucilla.  Still, he seems to have so much respect for the emperor as a person, to hold him worthy of a large degree of emulation.  This idealism is one of many things which make me realize that Maximus has noble intentions, as opposed to selfish ones.  

Last night I did my best to make a good impression, realizing how important it would be to Maximus.  I received another note from Livia, late yesterday afternoon, informing me that the emperor was only about a couple of hours away and dinner would be that evening.  I was hoping it would be the next night, but there was no sense postponing the inevitable.  After I’d bathed and perfumed my skin, I had Fabia brush my hair and help me pull it up into a simple coiled knot, placing some hairpins, with pearls in them, that Maximus had bought for me, within it, for decoration.  The small, shiny spheres showed up well against my dark hair, making it look even blacker; Maximus had told me that’s why he’d bought them.  Next, I placed, within my ears, my mother’s hoop earrings, the ones I’d always loved, and then, I added a gold chain necklace, with a single pear shaped diamond, strung upon it, at my throat; it had been a wedding gift from my father.  Finally, I stepped into a sky blue dress, and then, I’d wrapped a sapphire colored stola over my shoulders.  I’d had to let Velina and Fabia in on my secret, about the baby, they having guessed it, since the former had altered my dress, but I’d sworn them to secrecy, and I was sure they would comply.  They had become attached to Maximus and me, and they were thrilled we were going to have a child.  As a finishing touch, I chose some black slippers with only a slight heel. 

Livia, most thoughtfully, sent a litter, so that I could keep my shoes, as well as the hem of my dress and cloak, from being coated in mud, and for that, I was most grateful.  I kept wondering all the way to her lodgings, though, as I had ever since I had received her initial note, what I was going to discuss with the emperor; I prayed I’d have the good sense to conduct a reasonably interesting conversation.  From what Maximus had told me of Marcus Aurelius, he is a remarkable man, and again, I reflected that he must be, because it would, no doubt, take a man who stood far above others, and not just because he was the emperor, to warrant such praise and respect from Maximus.  For that reason, I knew I must prove myself worthy of his time.  I swallowed hard, a lump of anxiety lodged in my throat.

Livia greeted me with a kiss on the cheek, her dark brown hair piled high, her cheeks and lips rouged, large diamonds glittering in her ears, at her throat, and on her fingers.  Her gown was made of copper colored silk, and while tasteful, she did seem to be going out of her way to look opulent.  I liked Livia, for she had always been kind to me, but overall, she was, at times, rather shallow and overly absorbed in herself.  Still, she appeared to be good hearted.

“Come in, dearest,”  she insisted, taking me by the hand and leading me forward, while my heart thumped rapidly.

When we reached the dining area, I took in the sight of several guards standing around an elderly man, his attire giving away his identity, even if I hadn’t known who he was.  He was dressed in a wine colored wool tunic and breeches, over which he wore highly polished, elaborately decorative armor, and his feet were covered in high, black boots. Upon his right hand, he wore a ring with a large stone, and upon his wrists were bands of exquisitely etched gold that shone in the bright lamplight.  His hair was long, sparse, and white, and his face was aged, weathered and full of wrinkles; many of them were around his eyes, deep grooves that were especially apparent as he smiled at me.  His bright blue eyes were inquisitive, calm, and good humored. 

“Caesar,”  I murmured, looking down slightly to show the proper respect.

He nodded for me to come forward and when I did, he extended his hand, which I took and kissed.  He then took my hand within his own.  It was gnarled with age, but it was large and warm, and I imagined that, at the height of his powers, he must have been quite a man indeed.  He was still striking, in terms of the aura of authority he exuded.

“You are Maximus’ wife,”  he observed.

“Yes, Caesar.”

“He always did have exquisite taste,”  he declared, still smiling, a twinkle in his eyes as he, no doubt, thought about his daughter, “and he has outdone himself choosing you.”

His smile widened.

“It is indeed a pleasure to meet you, Meridia,”  he assured me.

“As it is to meet you, Sire,”  I responded, smiling back, “but I fear you are too kind in your assessment.”

The warmth in his eyes was genuine.  I hadn’t really known how I’d react to him, but I found myself intrigued by the man beneath the image; he was proving himself to be very different from my concept of what he must be like.  He seemed so human and approachable.

“No, I’ve always been one for speaking my mind,”  he countered at my protestation.  “I  speak the truth, I assure you.  Maximus has undoubtedly chosen the most beautiful woman in Hispania as his mate.”

I blushed, not knowing what to say.

He led me to the table while still holding my hand.

“I used to prefer eating on couches, as I’d always done, but tables seem a better option as I grow older,”  he observed, with a sad smile.

“My father feels the same way, Sire,”  I replied.  “He hasn’t eaten his dinner upon a couch for many a year.”

“Ah, age comes to us all, unfortunately,”  he declared.

We sat down, he at the head of the table, me to his left, Livia to his right, several of the officers in command of the camp seating themselves down the length of the table.

After the slaves brought in the sumptuous dinner and the meal had commenced, Caesar asked a number of the soldiers various questions about the camp, as well as the town, which was beginning to grow outside of its walls.  After a brief conversation, he turned his attention back to me.

“Maximus has told me that your father is a merchant,”  he declared.

I felt a little chagrined that he would touch upon that topic but decided not to be defensive.

“He is, but not to the extent that he once was,”  I offered.  “He doesn’t travel as he used to, because of failing health, but he does set up his wares in town and runs a small shop near his home.”

The emperor nodded.

“So Maximus has said.  He speaks highly of your father.”

“My father thinks a great deal of him.”

“Everyone does.  You have married an uncompromising, honorable, principled man, a definite rarity these days.”

“As I discover more every day,”  I concurred, and Caesar nodded.

We both ate silently for a few moments, and then, Livia asked the emperor about the upcoming battles with the Germans, insisting that, much as the Felix Legion III had trained, it would no doubt have some significant victories.

“We can only hope,”  the emperor replied, seemingly uninterested in discussing the war.  Maximus had told me there were times when he seemed to grow weary of it, much as he believed it to be necessary. 

It occurred to me that he didn’t want to think about it for the evening.

“This has been a new experience for me, coming to Germania,”  I offered.  “All the other places to which I’ve traveled have been relatively warm, even in winter.  I didn’t know there were places which could become this cold.”

“Ah, yes, I remember my first winter here,”  Caesar replied.  “It is a shock, is it not?  Sometimes, I fear we cannot defeat the Germans simply because of their ability to withstand such weather.”

I agreed inwardly, but replied that surely, it would take far more than the weather, brutal as it is, to defeat the might of Rome.

“You sound like a politician yourself, my dear,”  the emperor chastised with a smile.

When I looked chagrined, he laughed and then asked me about my travels to various locales.  

“Which ones, Sire?”  I asked.

He chuckled.

“Take your pick,”  he replied.  “From what Maximus tells me, you have been to nearly as many places as I.  Frankly, I’d like to hear about some of my provinces, from an unbiased perspective.”

I felt my cheeks color at being put on the spot.  The emperor apologized for making me uncomfortable, but he was still smiling when he did so, and to my surprise, I found myself enjoying telling him about the places which I’d visited with my father, my earlier nervousness fading.  And what struck me most is that he is a good listener, and when he does ask questions, they are insightful ones.  He is highly intelligent, but he is also cordial, entertaining, and able to put others at ease.  He reminds me of my father in a lot of ways, a man full of good humor, fairness, and inherent dignity, who can read people well.  No wonder Maximus admires him so much and seeks to emulate him.  He is a man worthy of emulation, who, while no doubt capable of going after what he wants and maintaining it at any cost, is not without his kind, generous side, and while I was in his company, he revealed it.  It had been a long time since I’d been so taken with someone, and it wasn’t because of his title but rather the type of man he proved himself to be.

Livia, as well as the officers, seemed a bit irritated that I had gained the emperor’s attention to such an extent, for no doubt they had wanted to shine, but it didn’t seem to last for long.  Livia has her selfish side, but to her credit, she isn’t mean spirited; she seemed to give in to the situation with a weary sigh.  As the evening progressed, she matter of factly accepted that the emperor and I got along well and found it easy to keep the flow of conversation going.  As for the soldiers, most of them seemed to just gradually grow a bit bored, but I was certain the blame would fall on me for stealing Caesar’s focus.  I hadn’t intended to, however, so maybe they won’t be too upset with me.  When the evening was over, and I took my leave, Caesar telling me what an honor it was to have met me, I assured him that the evening had been a delight.

“I enjoyed your company not because I had to, Sire, but because it was genuinely pleasurable,”  I was brave enough to confess.

He chuckled, squeezing my hand.  

“Maximus will surely have lively days ahead with you,”  he observed.  “I think he has met his match.”

When I took my leave, Livia saw me to the door.

“You’re thoroughly charmed him,”  she murmured.  “Worked magic you did.  Maximus owes you for this.”

“I’ll remind him,”  I replied.

“Don’t settle for sweet words and a thorough rogering in the way of thanks, no matter how good I imagine he is at the latter,”  she advised.  “Insist on something that shines and sparkles.”

I left, rather surprised at Livia’s effrontery, amazed that, at her age, she evidently found Maximus attractive.  I giggled; if only Helvius knew! 

 

I received a letter, several days later, from Maximus, and dignified though he was in his congratulations, he offered his praise nonetheless:

 

 

I smiled at his words; they were formal, but I got the message clearly; he was glowing with pride.  I’m glad I can make him feel that way after all I put him through during our trip here.  He deserves my attempts to shine for the emperor; I want him to attain whatever he is seeking.  I began to feel like a true wife as I read his letter; this was the first time I’d done something purely for him, with nothing, other than his satisfaction, in mind for myself.  I really feel as if I’m giving him support, and it makes me happy to see him so proud.  The change he has affected in my attitude of late is rather amazing; indeed, I guess there are many sides to myself, some which I didn’t even know I had...and all of them seem to find purpose in loving Maximus.

 

 

9 June

Today is the first time I’ve had a chance to write about the events of the past twenty one days.  They have altered my life in ways I couldn’t have imagined, even though I’d always been on edge about Maximus being in danger.  Still, I don’t think anyone is ever prepared when the moment, that one most fears, finally arrives. 

I’d awakened with a sense of foreboding.  Bad dreams had plagued me the night previously, and when a soldier rode into the fort, early on the morning of the 19th, not long after I’d arisen, I knew he’d come to tell me about Maximus, and deep within my heart, terror seized me with an iron grip.  At first, I didn’t think I could face him, desperate not to hear him say the words that would confirm Maximus had been taken from me.  But I had to know what had happened, and I forced myself to go outside.

“Domina?”  the young soldier, whom I remembered was called Gnaeus, asked, his gray eyes solemn as he approached. 

“What has happened to my husband?”  I asked, my hands trembling, my heart pounding.  “Is he...?”

I couldn’t finish the sentence.

“No, but he is gravely wounded.”  Gnaeus confirmed.

“What has happened?’

“A severe wound in his left thigh.  He has lost a lot of blood.”

“Take me to him,”  I ordered.

“In your condition?”  he asked, my pregnancy obvious by now.  “The emperor said I should escort you back to the camp, but he did not know that you are with child.”

“Just take me to my husband!”  I commanded impatiently.

I thew a few necessities haphazardly into a bag and allowed  Gnaeus to help me up onto Topaz.  She snorted and moved around uncomfortably; I hadn’t ridden her since late February, although one of the slaves had exercised her regularly, and she was letting me know about it.   

Gnaeus tried to keep the pace slow, but even though I knew I had to be mindful of my child, his actions were far too unhurried, and I grew impatient.

“Hurry, Gnaeus!”  I insisted.  “I need to get there as soon as possible.”

“I would not have you injured as well, Domina,”  Gnaeus replied.  “Have a care for yourself and your child.”

“Don’t reprimand me, soldier!”  I retorted.  “Just do your duty and get me to my husband before I report you for being rude, rash, and remiss!”

“Domina, I am trying to protect you,”  Gnaeus objected.  “I will be in far worse shape than the legate himself, if he ever finds out that I did less than my very best, in terms of getting you to him safely.”

“Quit talking and make that horse of yours move!”  I snapped.

He sped up his pace, but it still seemed to take an eternity to reach Maximus.  I refused to stop for more than just a few minutes at a time, only long enough to drink some water and stretch my legs.  The trip tired me more than I would admit, but I kept pushing; I had to get to Maximus, regardless of how I felt.

“What do you know of his condition, Gnaeus?”  I asked, as we were struggling up a hill.

“Only that he is very weak from loss of blood,”  he replied.

I looked at him, and he looked away; I knew there was more to the situation than he would admit, but he wasn’t going to reveal what it was.  I didn’t know if that was better or worse; I was afraid to discover what Maximus’ condition truly was, but at the same time, my imagination was running riot, and all sorts of possibilities were forming in my mind. 

When we finally reached the camp, the grounds dotted with innumerable tents, I demanded, hardly before I’d dismounted Topaz, that Gnaeus show me in which tent Maximus was.  I was rushing towards the one he indicated, when Lucius stepped out of it, stopping me at the entrance.

“Let me go to him, Lucius!”  I insisted.

“Momentarily,”  he conceded,  “but be prepared for the fact that his condition is grave indeed.”

“How bad?”  I asked, trembling inside as I did so.

“Bad indeed,”  he admitted.  Lucius was always honest, and difficult as his words were to hear, I was grateful for his straightforwardness.

I brushed past him and stepped inside.  Maximus lay on a cot, and I let out a moan when I saw him.  His face was ashen; I would never have imagined that it could look so pale.  There was a gray cast to his skin that unnerved me the minute I saw it.  His eyes were closed, but unlike all the other times I’d seen him thusly, while slumbering peacefully, his jaws were clenched tightly, his face in a near grimace.  He was restless, mumbling as he turned to and fro; clearly, he was in pain, and it broke my heart.  I touched his brow, letting my hand slid down to his cheek, then his neck, and his skin was so hot, when I did so, that I drew back in alarm.

I bent close to his ear and stroked his brow again, softly running my fingertips across it.

“I’m here my love,”  I murmured.  “You are alone no longer.  I’m here and I promise I will not leave you.”

He opened his eyes; he must have recognized my voice, but his gaze was unfocused.  Except in our most intimate moments, I’d never seen him be anything but strong, certain, and full of authority, and to see him be so ill and powerless, frightened me badly.

“Sleep, my love,”  I tried to sooth, taking his hand, which was clenched tightly.  Gently, I coaxed it open, though at first he resisted, and I massaged his palm softly, while he eyes fell shut again.

Once he seemed to be relaxing, I let go of his hand for a moment and walked over to where Lucius stood, taking in the scene.

“What have you done for his pain and fever?”  I demanded.

“Everything possible,”  he replied, his expression full of regret.  “I have used mandrake root for the former and olive leaf extract, as well as some other herbs, for the latter, but lowering his fever is proving to be a major obstacle.”

“When he develop it?”

“He was wounded, yesterday, in battle.  When he was brought here, he was already weak from loss of blood, but he had no fever, not developing it until late last night.  Since then, it has been climbing.”

“Gnaeus said he was wounded in his thigh.  How badly is it infected and what is the extent of the damage?”

“He suffered a slash, in the outer part of his thigh, from the juncture where his hip and thigh join, all the way down to just above his knee,”  Lucius confirmed.  “The injury cut into some muscle and tendons.  I stitched back what I needed to and then sewed up the wound.”

He took a deep breath and continued.

“When I first saw the wound, I was thankful that it wasn’t made with a crude adaptation of the sword that the Germans construct.  This one was wielded with a sword that they had evidently stolen from one of ours.  Our weapons don’t make the jagged wounds that the Germans’ implements do.  Nevertheless, some dirt and mud seeped into the wound when Maximus fell.  I was initially more concerned about the blood loss and how much it had weakened him, for I realized that the blood flow would carry out some of the debris.”

Lucius looked decidedly aggrieved.

“Unfortunately, it didn’t carry out enough.  There was a sufficient amount left to set up an infection, and the worst part is, it’s not so much in his leg, I fear, as in the rest of his body.”

I choked back a sob.  I was about to ask if the wound would leave Maximus crippled, but I breathed a silent prayer to the gods, instead, that he would merely survive. 

“The major problem we’re confronting is the infection and subsequent fever,”  Lucius reaffirmed.  “The wound itself is, of course, a major concern, but at this point, I’m not nearly as worried about him losing a leg as I am about how his entire body is reacting.  He is young and strong, and that is to his favor.  Many an older man, or one who is not as strong, probably wouldn’t have survived the shock and blood loss.  If the leg doesn’t get worse, I can save it, and he’ll probably recover the full use of it, with extensive rest and proper exercise.  What worries me most is this infection, how much it will spread, and how he will find the strength to fight it.  He lost a lot of blood.”

“In other words, his condition is grave indeed,”  I summarized.

“Yes, very much so,”  Lucius admitted.

“What can I do to help, besides stay with him, talk to him, let him know I’m here?”

“What you’ve just mentioned is perhaps, in many ways, the best medicine of all, of that there is no doubt.  But as far as other medicines, I have used all those that I can.”

“I know you are the best physician he could have attending him,”  I responded, “and I’m so thankful that he is under your care, but is there nothing more you can do?”

Lucius looked highly uncomfortable for a moment, and then, he shook his head.

“I will do my best, Selene.  He is a good man, and I want him to survive.”

His craggy old face softened.

“It is obvious how much you love him, and he you, and you should have many years yet together.”

I was surprised that gruff old Lucius would admit that there is such a thing as love.  My feelings must have shown in my face, for he smiled briefly, a rarity for him indeed, and took my hand for a moment.

“I will do my best to make Maximus well, for many reasons, not the least of which is the fact that the emperor himself requested I be the one to care for him.”

“I’ve forgotten that he is even here,”  I confessed.

“Indeed, he is,”  came a voice from behind us, as Marcus Aurelius entered the tent.

“Sire,”  I breathed, momentarily surprised, even though I managed to bow to him.

“My dear, although it is good to see you again, I wish that it could be under difficult circumstances,”  he admitted.

He took my hand and led me to the furthest corner of the tent.

“Lucius is looking after Maximus, at my request.  I would have sent to Rome, for one of my physicians, but it would take too long for him to get here to do Maximus any good.  Besides, I think he is in as good, if not better hands, with Lucius.  He is very skilled.”

“As I learned when I helped him make medicines.”

“Yes, he told me about that,”  the emperor revealed.

His eyes warmed.

“It was good of you to use your knowledge to help the soldiers.”

“I can’t say I wasn’t entirely selfish,”  I admitted.  “Maximus was on my mind...but it seems the medicines may do little good after all.”

I heard my voice tremble as I spoke the last sentence, and I fought back a sense of panic.

“You can’t give up hope,”  Caesar insisted, seeing my despair.  “As I mentioned, Lucius is skilled, and Maximus is strong...plus he has every reason to live, much as he loves you.”

“How did he end up getting such a wound?”  I wondered aloud.

“Lucius did not tell you?”

“No, we spoke mostly of the condition of Maximus’ injury, not how he incurred it.”

“The Germans nearly defeated the Felix Legion III,”  the emperor admitted.  “General Helvius is dead.”

I gasped, this being the first I had heard of the news.

“The soldiers saw nothing but slaughter ahead and began to retreat after Helvius was beheaded,”  Caesar confirmed.  “Maximus, however, immediately took control, and when he did, his own bravery infused the troops with new determination and strength, and they managed to keep fighting until Felix V, summoned by a messenger Maximus sent to their commander, arrived.”

The emperor looked amazed, as he recalled Maximus’ actions.

“I saw the entire episode,”   he confessed, “and I’ve never witnessed such courage and discipline as Maximus displayed.  He didn’t panic, as most in his stead certainly would have done, and he didn’t allow his troops to retreat.  When he is better, he will take Helvius’ place and become general of Felix Legion III.”

I didn’t say it aloud, but I suppose my expression did; heavy lay the thought that Maximus wouldn’t live to ever receive such an honor.

Again, the emperor seemed to read my thoughts.

“He will survive, Meridia,”  he insisted.  “He is stronger than you know, in spirit.  Any man who could stay and face what he did, and infuse his soldiers with the same sense of resistance, will recover.”

“Fevers don’t care about a man’s spirit, Sire,”  I protested.  “They ravage whom they wish, at their will.”

“True enough, but as a healer yourself, surely you must know that those who are fighters can make it through ordeals that others cannot.”

I couldn’t argue with such logic, and quite frankly, my only thoughts were to return to Maximus and do everything I could for him.  When Caesar left me, encouraging me to remain hopeful, I was glad to see him go, despite how much I like him.  I needed to summon my own strength which, looking at Maximus’ fevered, suffering form, I wasn’t sure I could. 

Returning to his bedside, I slipped off my cloak and sat down next to him.  I could feel Lucius’ eyes on me, and I looked at him.

“I was not aware you are expecting a child,”  he offered.

His bluntness took me by surprise; outside of a woman’s husband or close family members, men did not normally mention a woman’s pregnancy.  But then, Lucius and I had spent a lot of hours talking, while preparing medicines, and he seemed almost like a grandfather of sorts.  I was not offended, as I’m sure he knew I wouldn’t be.  Up until then, I hadn’t thought about the baby, but by now, a slight roundness to my belly was visible.

“Three months,”  I replied.

“Have a care,”  Lucius advised.  “Traveling here wasn’t easy, and you need to get some rest.”

“I can’t,”  I protested.  “I have to stay with Maximus.”

“Stay with him for a while, but then, you must get some sleep.  If you are ill yourself, you can’t help him.”

“I won’t leave him!”  I insisted.  “The subject is closed.”

Lucius was wise enough not to force the issue.  For as grouchy as he’d been in the past, he was more sensitive than I would have supposed.  He knew my body would eventually demand sleep, but he decided to let me reach the point where I’ve have no choice but to give in.  He didn’t know how determined I was, though; not until Maximus was safe would I seek my own rest.

I took his hands, within mine, and stroked my thumbs gently over the tops of them.  They were so big and strong; it seemed impossible that he could be so ill.  But they were unnaturally warm, and when I released his left one, to lay my own hand atop his brow, it seemed even hotter than it had been when I’d briefly rested my palm against it earlier.

“Maximus, it is I,”  I whispered.  “You’ve been injured, my love, but Lucius says if you can get over the fever, your leg will be all right, that you can recover from your injury.  I’m here, and I will help you fight, but you have to be even stronger now than you were on that battlefield.  You have to return to me.  I won’t be left alone, Maximus, without you.  Don’t you dare give up.  You fight this fever like the soldier you are, with everything you’ve got.”

He lay still for a moment, his eyes full of fever and fear, flying open at my words, but it was obvious he was lost in a world that only he could see, and I wondered if he’d even heard me.  The other hand, that I was holding, however, tightened its grip, almost painfully so, but I didn’t mind; I was glad to know that he still had that much strength. 

“Maximus, come back to me,”  I murmured, leaning my face down close to his. To my surprise, he reached up, with his free hand and laid it against my cheek, whispering my name.  I sobbed at the knowledge that, at least in some part of his fevered mind, he knew I was there; at least my presence would give him comfort.

I sat by his side, the rest of the night, despite Lucius’ protests about my own welfare.  I bathed his powerful body, running a cool cloth, repeatedly, over his limbs and torso, remembering how he had done the same for me during my fever.  I made sure that he drank water, for his thirst seemed unquenchable, and I helped Lucius force some herbal teas down his throat, even while he fought us as we did so. 

“It is dangerous for you to assist me in such endeavors,”  Lucius insisted.  “He could get violent, when the fever spikes, and he might strike you.”

“I’ll take my chances,”  I replied.

Just after midnight, Maximus calmed somewhat after the teas took effect, but the relief didn’t last long.  I must have dozed a bit, while he was resting for a moment, because when I awoke, he was thrashing wildly and yelling. At first, I couldn’t make sense of his words, but as I listened, I realized that he was struggling with the fact that he’d accidentally killed a young boy who’d crept up behind him on the battlefield. 

“I thought he was a man,”   he insisted, seemingly talking to someone who was visible only in his mind.  “How was I to know otherwise, in the heat of battle?”

My heart breaking for the guilt that tormented him, I could do nothing but listen and try to calm him, with my touch, my words, learning things that I’m sure I never would have known otherwise.

I stroked his brow, brushing back his damp hair from his face, then wiping away the sweat with a cool cloth.  

“You could not have known that your adversary was not who you’d assumed,”  I tried to assure him.  “You only did what you had to.  You mustn’t feel remorse.”

“Who are you to say I mustn’t!”  he countered, rising half way out of the bed in his distress, despite my attempts to push him back down. 

Suddenly, he gripped my wrist in a painful vise, and I cried out.

“You do not know what a soldier feels when he murders a child!”

“It was an accident.”

“Not when I see his face.  It accuses me!”

“In your mind, Maximus,”  I insisted.  “In time, the image will flee.  He is at rest now.”

That seemed to soothe him for a moment, and he let go of my wrist, as he fell back, exhausted, but it wasn’t long before other horrors, within his mind, emerged.

“She begged me not to kill her husband,”   he murmured, thrashing back and forth.

“Shhhh, my love,”  I coaxed, laying my hands upon his chest and caressing it gently, feeling his heart pound, the beat of it far too rapid.  “It doesn’t matter now.”

“It does matter!”  he protested.  “One of the main leaders... but his wife, heavy with child, begged me not to kill him...he was all that she had...”

He was silent for several moments.

“But I had him killed anyway,”  he pronounced with finality.  “I had no choice.”

My heart broke for Maximus and all that he had endured.  There was so much to being a soldier, a commanding officer, that I’d really never considered.  It required not just strength of body, but strength of mind and character.  He was forced to do things that struck him to his core, things that weighed so heavily upon his mind.  His conscience was in a state of turmoil, and he suffered from it as much as he did from his physical injury.  It made me worry all the more about his recovery; would he feel so guilty that he wouldn’t fight as hard as he could? 

“Maximus, listen to me,”  I insisted, taking him into my arms and whispering into his ear.  “You did what you had to do.  It is never easy being a soldier or commanding them.  It makes those in battle do things that they normally never would, but it does not mean that you are no longer the person you know you are, deep inside.  You change as you engage in war and see its horrors unfold, but, within your soul, you are still the man you always were.”

He quieted for a moment, growing still, while I held him, but soon, another torment, born of regret, arose; from his confused outbursts, it was obvious he was hallucinating, believing he’d been captured by the Germans who’d beheaded Hevius.  He thrashed and fought, trying to strike me and Lucius, until four soldiers had to hold him down so that Lucius could pour more medicine down him.

“Noooo!”  he roared, fighting desperately, and I saw a look of pure panic on his face.  “...I will not die...in such a manner...”

I cried while I watched the soldiers try to subdue him; I couldn’t bear to see him so terrified, trying to be brave in the midst of the horrors from which he couldn’t escape.     

He finally went limp, drifting in and out of restless sleep for a brief period, and while he was lying still, I went to Lucius.

“You have to do something,”  I insisted.  “He can’t go on this way.  He’s not only using up all his strength, fighting all the horrors he is reliving, along with enduring hallucinations, he is so plagued by guilt that it is going to affect his spirit.  What else can you do?”

“I’ve tried just about everything.  There is little else to be done.”

“About everything?  Little else?”

I was troubled; something was amiss.

“Lucius, is there something you haven’t tried?”

He nodded, reluctantly.

“The reason for the fever, as I mentioned earlier, is because of infection.  It started locally, but it is now systemic.  There is a possible remedy, but...”

 “But what?”

“It’s dangerous.  There is an herb, Dulcamara, but it is poisonous.  I think it might help the infection, but it’s risky to use.  Too little won’t help, but too much could kill him, and there is no standard dose to administer, because everyone reacts differently and needs varying amounts.”

“What would you advise, Lucius?”  I asked.  “What if Maximus were a member of your family?”

He sighed deeply, and he looked at me with worry and uncertainty in his eyes.

“Selene, that is a tough question.”

“It is one that must be answered.  What would you do?”

“Ordinarily, I’d wait and see, but the infection is spreading.  He has had an extreme fever for a full day, and it shows no signs of abating.  In fact, it’s getting worse, as evidenced by the fact that he is hallucinating.  He recognizes you on some level, I’m sure, but since it is rarely an outright recognition, not to mention the fact that he is getting violent, I’m worried.”

“You’re saying that the fever could reach his brain?”  I asked, trembling as I did so.

Lucius nodded, then looked more resolved.

“I don’t see that we have a choice but to try something more extreme, but I can’t make the call on this.  You will have to choose, Selene.”

I knew he was right, but I almost hated him for leaving everything in my hands.  I looked at Maximus, and it was clearly evident that he wasn’t improving.  His face, so pale earlier, was now flushed, with the intensity of the fever, and he was in a state of delirium once again.  Lucius was having to pour more medicine down him all the time, just to keep him quiet for a few moments.  He was suffering, physically and emotionally, and only a miracle was going to prevent him from getting worse.  Did I have any choice but to let Lucius give him some of the Dulcamara, dangerous as it was?  But what if it killed him?  How would I ever live with myself?

I went to Maximus and lowered my face, pressing my cheek against his, while my fingertips caressed his other cheek.  As I did so, he stilled, and when I drew back slightly, he was looking at me, recognition in his eyes, and they were full of tears.

“Selene, help me!”  he begged.

“I will, I promise,”  I assured him.  “Rest easy.  I will see you through this.”

He seemed to relax for a moment, but within a short time, he began thrashing again, his eyes once again wild and unfocused.  

He stared at me, and I had to face the reality of what this fever was likely to do to him; it was violent, assaulting his entire body, an enemy that had to be stopped. 

I cried, bowing my head.  I couldn’t lose him.  I had so much yet to share with him, a life to live with him.  He didn’t even know about our child.  He couldn’t die here, never having had the chance to hold it, never seeing Trujillo again.  I couldn’t survive his loss; my heart ached so badly at the thought of it that, for a moment, I couldn’t breathe.  Not this, I prayed both to the gods and my ancestors.  Anything but the loss of Maximus.  How could I go on, knowing that he’d been taken from me, that I’d never look into his eyes again and see his love for me, never hear his voice, never be held in his arms once more?

When I looked up again, he was still staring at me, and the look on his face was imploring, as if he were begging for help.  It broke my heart, and I made my decision.

“Give it to him, Lucius,”  I commanded.

“You are certain?”  he asked.

“Yes, as much as I will ever be.”

He forced a mixture of the herb, in the form of a tea, down Maximus’ throat, while he struggled and cursed.  My worse fears emerged when, a few moments later, he became even more restless and agitated.

“The herb sometimes makes conditions worse before they get better,”  Lucius offered.

“Are you just telling me that?”  I asked.

He told me he wasn’t, and when I looked into his eyes, it seemed he was sincere, but still, seeing Maximus suffer more wasn’t much of a consolation.

“Maximus, please try to hear me,”  I pleaded, holding his hand, while stroking his forearm, from elbow to wrist.  His grip was overwhelmingly powerful, and the tightness of it hurt, but I paid no mind.  “You must let the medicine work.  You can get through this.  You are strong, and you must refuse to give up.  Maximus, I love you with all my heart.  I will not let you go.  I want us to live our lives together and grow old together.  I want to see you holding our child in your arms.”

Amazingly, he became quiet, once again, for a moment.

“My love, I carry your child,”  I whispered in his ear, “and he or she has a right to know you, to be raised by you.  Don’t leave us, please!”

He struggled on for the rest of the night and into the next evening, while Lucius continued to administer doses of the Dulcamara, and I continued to ceaselessly bathe him in cool water.  He seemed to take comfort in my touch, but he still fought the fever, lost in delusions and torments, crying out, while tossing restlessly.  I tried to still him; sometimes, my words had an effect, but at other times, it was as if he could not hear me at all. 

By the end of the second evening, I was so exhausted I couldn’t hold my head up, but I refused to rest, determined to not leave Maximus’ side.  In the early morning hours of the third day, I drifted off for a few moments, while Maximus lay still, and when I awoke, it was to the touch of his hand on my head.  For a moment, I was confused, and then I jerked my head upwards, and he was staring at me, but there was recognition in his eyes.

“Selene?”  he murmured.

“Oh, Maximus!”  I sobbed, arising and embracing him, kissing him several times.

He was soaked in sweat, the sheets over and under him saturated.  His skin, when I touched his face and chest, was cool, no sign of unnatural warmth emanating from it.

“Selene, what happened?  I was on the battlefield, facing one of the barbarians, and then...I woke up here.”

“You’ve been fighting a fever,”  I informed him.  “And a terrible one at that.  For three days...”

He stared at me incredulously.

“You have been here all this time?”

“Do you think I would leave you in such a state?  Gnaeus came and got me at the fort, the day after your injury, and I got here as soon as I could.  Topaz is still recovering from being made to journey here practically nonstop.”

“Are you all right?”

I laughed, something I never thought I’d do again.

“Am I all right?  No, I’m not.  Far from it, in fact.  I thought I was going to lose you, and my heart is still shattered...”

His hands cupped my face.

“Cara, I am so sorry you had to go through that...”

“Doesn’t matter, now that your fever has broken.  Nothing matters except that you are all right.”

He moved and then frowned, in a grimace of pain.

“My leg...”  he moaned, his eyes full of fear.

“You hurt it pretty badly, and it got infected,”  I confirmed.  “That’s what caused the fever, but Lucius says that even though there was some muscle damage, it will be fine, with proper exercise and rest.”

He breathed an audible sign of relief, and just as he did so, Lucius came over to inspect his patient.

“It’s about time you rejoined us,”  he observed.  “I had a tough time fighting that fever.  Thank the gods it appears that you were the stronger of the two.”

“With your and Selene’s help,”  Maximus replied.

“Not so much mine as hers.  I have the medical knowledge, but it is she who stayed by your side, night and day.”

“I know,”  he murmured, looking at me.  “I knew you were there, cara, sometimes more than others, but still, I was aware.  It was just that reaching you wasn’t always possible, as if you were in a fog.”

“The fog is gone now,”  I murmured, stroking his forehead.

“I’m going to give you two some time alone,”  Lucius declared, “but then, my patient has to rest, and you have to do so as well, Selene.”

He gave me a knowing look, although he said nothing about the pregnancy, allowing me the chance to tell Maximus about it myself.

“You have to start getting well and regaining your strength,”  he continued, giving Maximus a stern warning.  “The fever is gone, but you have a lot of healing to do.  That was a serious injury to your leg.”

“It will be the same, though?”  Maximus asked.

“With rest and exercise, yes, but it won’t happen overnight.  You’re going to have to take things easy for a while, General.”

“General?”  Maximus inquired.

“The emperor is giving you Helvius’ position,”  I informed him.

Maximus looked taken aback.

“General of Felix III?”

“Yes.  He says you deserve nothing less after the way you saved the day, in essence, when the Legion would have retreated, were it not for your encouragement.  You kept them fighting until Felix V arrived.”

Maximus let out another breath, seemingly overwhelmed.  He looked so tired, utterly exhausted.  He was still so pale, and there were deep, bluish circles under his eyes.  Lucius had some of the soldiers get him out of bed, so that he and I could get the sheets changed, and by the time Maximus laid back down again, he looked so bad, my worry  returned. 

“Rest, my dearest,”  I coaxed.  “I will be here.”

“You must rest yourself,”  Maximus ordered.

Ill as he was, he hadn’t noticed the slight swell of my belly, and for that, I was glad.  I’d tell him later about the baby; as it was, he’d already had a lot of things with which he had to deal, namely that he had come so close to death, that he had a long recuperation in front of him, and finally, that once he did recover, he was going to be a general. 

“I will,”  I assured him, as I stroked his hair, until he finally drifted off.

I left him long enough to heat up some water and bathe, as best I could, in a tent which had been set up for me, but once I had, I went to check on Maximus again.  He was sleeping soundly, and I felt such relief seeing his chest rise and fall evenly, his skin cool to the touch.  I was so tired I could barely hold my head up, and Lucius scolded me severely for not being asleep myself.  When he saw that I still wouldn’t leave Maximus, though, he had a cot set up for me, next to Maximus’, and simply pointed to it, with a fierce scowl on his face.  I smiled inwardly, acquiescing, the small cot feeling better than any bed.  It seemed a luxury just to be able to stretch out and close my eyes.  I watched Maximus until I fell asleep, secure in the knowledge that he was going to be all right.

When I awoke, he was looking at me.  

“Have long have you been awake?”  I asked.

“For a while.  You’ve been sleeping as if you hadn’t rested in months.”

“It feels that way.”

“I’m sorry for what you’ve had to endure, cara, but you helped me through this more than you know.  Lucius says the fever caused delirium, but I knew your touch, your voice, at least part of the time.”

I rose and went to sit upon his cot.  

“I know you did,”  I admitted.  “I had no proof, of course, but I knew that, instinctively.”

“You kept talking to me.”

“I wanted you to know I was with you, that you weren’t alone.”

“I must have said some strange things.”

“Let’s just say I know a lot more about what’s on your mind than I did before.”

He looked disturbed.

I brought his hand to my lips and kissed his palm.

“Maximus, it’s all right.  Remember when we talked about there being no more secrets, that we’d share our burdens?”

“Yes, but you don’t need to know all that I’ve done.”

“I’m sure I don’t know all, just some.  But what I do know makes me realize, more than ever, what a wise choice I made in marrying you.”

I reached over and stroked his chest, just above his heart.

“What is in here makes me love you so much,”  I confessed.

He took my hand and brought it to his lips.  

“Cara, never would I have made it through this ordeal without you,”  he insisted, tears welling up within his eyes and finally falling down his cheek.

He looked embarrassed, but I bent down and kissed his tears away and then claimed his mouth in a deep kiss.   He sighed and held me close, his arms enfolding me.  I laid my head on his chest for a moment and felt reassured, as I listened to the normal rhythm of his heart.

He made the discovery, when I sat up again, seeing the slight bulge in my belly.  His eyes widened, and then, they flew to mine.

“Selene?”  he questioned.

I smiled, glorying in the moment, so thankful that it had finally arrived, and I was being granted the chance to tell Maximus about his child.

I nodded.

“Yes, we’re going to have a baby.”

“You said nothing about it in your letters!”

“I didn’t want to worry you.  You had enough on your mind.”

“Even so, you should have told me!”

“I would have, eventually, but I was hoping you’d be able to return to the fort soon.  If you hadn’t, I was planning on telling you in a letter.”

“When?”

“Soon.”

“No, I mean when is the baby due?”

“Well, I’m almost certain it was conceived that night, when you thought I’d judged you, and we settled a lot of things, once and for all.”

“Three months ago,”  he confirmed, thinking back to that evening.

“I can’t be sure,”  I confessed, “but I like to think we made this child the night that we stripped back so many layers of ourselves and surrendered so much to each other.  It was a special time, Maximus.  You learned to trust me more than you ever had before.”

He nodded, and I laughed, seeking to lighten the moment.

“Besides, I got taken over a table again at last!”  I reminded him.

He tried not to smile, but he couldn’t help himself, and the quirk, at the corners of his mouth, disarmed his efforts.

“The baby is due in November, then?”

“Yes.”

“I thought you said something about a child while I was struggling with the fever, but I believed it was my imagination.”

“No, you heard what you thought you did.”

His right hand reached for my belly, stroked softly, and then he took his other hand and cradled my small mound gently.  His eyes were so full of amazement and joy that my own sprang tears.

“Selene, it will have to be born here, in Germania,”  he finally pointed out, his tone uneasy.  “That means another year here for you and the baby.”

“Yes, but Lucius will know of a good midwife, if anyone does.  There has to be one, in the village, who is reputable and skilled.”

Maximus nodded, but his brow, nevertheless, became furrowed with worry.

“It’s all right,”  I soothed.  “Wherever you are, I am happy, and I will do everything in my power to keep our baby safe.”

“As will I, but it’s so cold here in the winter, especially for one so small.”

“But there are warm braziers and plenty of blankets.  We will manage.”

“You won’t have to,”  a voice announced, and we both looked up, in surprise, to find the emperor standing at the entrance to the tent.

“Sire,”  Maximus responded.  “I apologize for my inability to arise and thank you properly,”  he offered.  “They tell me you mean to make me a general.”

“Indeed, I do,”  he replied.  “Your bravery was astounding, and we would have been sorely defeated if it hadn’t been for you.  The troops panicked, when Helvius was killed, but you never showed a second’s hesitation in mustering morale and keeping the soldiers fighting.  Such action deserves to be highly rewarded.  When you return, you will assume command of Felix Legion III.”

“When I return?”  Maximus asked.

“Yes, as soon as Lucius says you are able to travel, I’m sending you back to Hispania to fully recuperate.  You will need to be in the best of shape in order to take control of the Legion.”

“Sire, I can recover here, just as well as at home.  Besides, the battle plans...”

“...will be arranged between myself and other generals.”

“But I need to do my part as well...”

“You’ve already done your part and much more.  Go home and recuperate.  I will hear no more argument on the matter.”

Maximus looked stunned.

“Besides,”  Caesar continued, with a gleam in his eye, “I hear you are to become a father this autumn, and you should be home when your child is born.”

“Lucius talks too much,”  I murmured, and Maximus and the emperor both laughed.

“I just received the news myself,”  Maximus confessed.

“Congratulations,”  the emperor beamed.  “I want you to stay in Hispania until the start of the next fighting season.  If the winter is not too bad, you should be able to reach here by late February, if you start from home by early January.  That will give you time to recuperate and meet the little one before you leave for the next campaign.”

“Sire, I thank you, sincerely, for your generosity and thoughtfulness,”  Maximus offered.

Caesar waved his hand aside, as if his orders were nothing.   Then, he grinned.

“During your absence, I will fulfill your new position, at least officially.  I will be general of Felix III.”

Maximus and I both laughed at Caesar’s wit and charm.  I had liked him from the first, and now, I was so grateful for his understanding and kindness.  He is a good man, recognizing the goodness in Maximus, willing to honor him for the risks he had taken in service to him and to Rome.

It was eighteen more days before Maximus was ready to travel.  Six days after Maximus’ fever broke, Lucius made him get up and walk, in order to prevent his lungs from becoming congested, balancing the time between resting and being up and about.  He also made him start doing some exercises to strengthen his leg.  He suffers a lot from putting weight upon it, breaking out in a cold sweat and shivering when he does so, but he grits his teeth, sets his jaw, and refuses to give in to the pain, testing his boundaries, as far as Lucius will allow.  Lucius had to securely stitch some of the muscles, and they are taut as a result, and while they may always give Maximus a bit of discomfort, it should be minimal, and it shouldn’t affect the mobility or strength of the limb, something for which he and I are most thankful.  I shudder to think of what could have happened if he’d had a doctor other than Lucius; sometimes, true mercies are unexpectedly granted.

I was grateful, too, that we were going home.  It seemed another miracle.  I had Maximus back, and we were to be given a respite of several months, free from the worry of the dangers he faced.  We would be home, together, at last.  And at home, I would give birth to his child.  I was content as I hadn’t been, or even imagined to be, in so long.  Who would have thought things would have turned out this way, considering how they were on the way to Germania?

Maximus protested that he should be staying in Germania and at least helping with battle plans, while he recuperated, but I realized he would never accept being unable to do his job graciously; it was his nature to be responsible and in control.  Nevertheless, I could see, in his eyes, how relieved he was, after such a close brush with death, to be going home. 

A few nights before we left, now in our own tent, where we’d been for the past several days, he reached for me, just after we’d gone to bed, and I reveled in being held and touched by him again, when he suddenly pulled away

“What is it, Maximus?”  I asked.  “Your leg still pains you too much for us to be together?”

“No, cara,”  he insisted.  “It is not my leg.”

I ran my hand down his uninjured one and when my hand came to rest on his very impressive erection, I realized that he couldn’t be in too much pain.

“You’ve certainly recovered a lot of your strength,”  I murmured, with a giggle, stroking him.

 “Stop it, Selene!”  he commanded, pulling my hand away.

“What is the matter?”  I asked, confused at his reaction.

“Selene, you’re pregnant,”  he responded.  “We can’t be together.”

“By Jupiter, you’re not going to believe old midwives’ tales, are you?”  I demanded, irritated.

“But they warn against a woman having sex,”  he insisted, becoming staunch.  “I could hurt you or the baby, and if I did so, I would never forgive myself.”

“I don’t care what the midwives say, and if you refuse to make love to me, you might be the one to incur an injury, an additional one anyway.  Besides, I’ve got you at my mercy.  You’re not going to do anything but lie flat on your back for a while, and I can have my way with you all I want, despite your objections!”

“Be serious, Selene!  We cannot risk causing you or the baby harm.”

“If you think I’m going to go through my entire pregnancy without us being together, you’d best think again!  I love this baby, and I would never do anything to it that I thought, for a minute, would cause intentional harm, but I will not forego loving you for several more months, especially when I believe it to be perfectly safe to us to love each other as we always have.  I’ve been without you for over three months, Maximus, and I almost lost you.  There is nothing I want more than to hold you in my arms and feel you inside me.”

“I want to be inside you, more than you know, but the risk...”

“Maximus, listen to me,”  I insisted.  “For whatever reason, midwives are sometimes highly inaccurate about things.  Looking back, now that I am old enough to understand, I know that my father stayed away from my mother, when she was pregnant with my sister, for he moved into other sleeping quarters in the house.  And look what happened; my mother died.  On the other hand, Livia told me that she and Helvius had never stopped sleeping together, when she was pregnant with each of their children, and she’s a healthy old woman, who carried to term all of her children.”

“You and Livia must have had some interesting discussions,”  he replied, with a scowl.

“Don’t worry,”  I assured him.  “I didn’t tell her anything about you and me.  That’s none of her business.  But she did figure out I am pregnant, and I couldn’t stop her from volunteering whatever she wanted to tell me.”

I could see such want and need in Maximus eyes, and I knew it wouldn’t take much to persuade him to accept my point of view.

“Don’t torment me, my love,”  I pleaded.  “Don’t refuse to touch me, as you did after Lugdunum.  I can’t take that again.  I can’t.”

He growled in response and pulled me down on top of him, although solicitous of both his leg and my belly.  He kissed me fervently, but his hands were gentle.

“We’re a pair, are we not?”  he snorted, when the kiss ended.  “Your belly will soon be in the way, and my leg won’t support me right now.  If I don’t get better soon, we’re going to have to be exceedingly inventive.”

We both dissolved in a fit of laughter at our predicament.  

“You really like the chance to be in charge from time to time, don’t you?”  Maximus whispered in my ear, later, as I sat astride him, my hands exploring and caressing.

“Ummm,”  I murmured.  “I adore having my way with you.”

“All yours, cara, and at your mercy.”

“Are you sure about that?”  I asked, enjoying the excitement that flickered in his eyes at the question.

“Do with me what you will,”  he replied.  “I am strong enough to withstand it.”

“We’ll