Book III: Part Eight

 

I would like to preface this final part of a very long series with a dedication and a few thanks. I didn't include these as I went along as a it is often the case that we don't take much notice of such comments even if they are meant absolutely from the heart and, if I had done it once I would have had to have done it twenty five times to make it count.

I want to thank the reader (she knows who she is!) who long ago asked me to write a story about Nick Costello and I said to Lachlyn, "Who's Nick Costello?" having quite forgotten my own character's name! My first reaction was to think "I can't make a whole person up good enough to stand next to creations like Terry and Dino with all that their film personae have given us." But then I realized that if I am ever seriously to consider writing an independent novel then I better start practising without Russ's help! So Nick was born and I came to love him and I thank my dear reader for giving me the kickstart.

 I also wish to thank all the readers who have assiduously followed this saga and mailed me regularly with their thoughts and feelings over the last six months. You have no idea how that has spurred me on and made me want to make this a story we could all feel was real. It was not an easy ride but I didn't ever want to spoil it by not being true to these characters. I hope you will forgive me for how it turned out in the end. I almost didn't have the courage to go through with it myself but that in an odd sense made me feel sure it was the right and only way to conclude it finally. Sometimes it has to hurt.

To Ann for her ability to make me feel I can do anything even when I'm sure I can't. And her ability to make me laugh when she thinks she is so hopeless and in fact we all stand in awe of her talent. To Bou who has done such a remarkable job on the sound track for this - she has spent hours helping me find songs and hosting the music for us to listen as we read. This was a new idea and it seems to have captured the imagination. To all the DBB regular, too, who make every day such fun to log on and see what they have in store for me - there were times in this story when that was so important for keeping me sane!

Finally, I have to thank (and in fact dedicate this entire trilogy which began with Back In the Game, went on through On the Rocks and ultimately was completed in Dawn to)  my dear friend Lachlyn who has journeyed every step of the way with me and given me untold amounts of help, advice, thoughts and valid criticism. Her instinct for emotional truths is always sound, her sense of narrative and the understanding of what a reader requires to fully appreciate the nuance without ever overplaying one's hand is formidable, unerringly sure and never fails to hit the mark. Time and time again she has reined me in or pointed out a weakness or made me question motive or simply said that a scene was not getting to the emotional heart and I had to work harder. Except she never puts anything like that - she always makes me feel good about myself but does not let me shirk the hard work either. That is a true friend and collaborator. I could never have done this without her. It is as simple as that. Her name should be on the top as much as mine. And as for the artwork that has constantly enhanced my meagre scratchings and given them the gloss of a much finer piece of work than it actually was - my eternal gratitude. All the authors on DBB owe you so much for what your artistic flair has created for us here. Thank you, my friend.

 

 

July. Sydney.

"Mummm!! Make him stop! He's driving me bloody mental! Stop it...just stop it, you...! Mum...I'm all wet! Grow up will you, Liam, ya stupid bastard...!"

"What is going on now?" Brenda leaned back to look through the French windows out to the pool where Liam and Zoe were lying in the sun. "Bloody hell, he just got out of the pool and shook himself all over her like a big dog....oh no...fuck me if she hasn't just kicked him back in..."

Annie stood up and looked out. "Zoe will you stop behaving like a whiny kid...! And you will do yourself some damage fighting with him. Liam - she's nine months' pregnant...have you no bloody sense?" She sat back down and sighed heavily. "If she doesn't have that baby soon...!"

"She's bored off her head. And he's excited. They make me laugh. They're inseparable and argue from morning to night..." Brenda smiled fondly. Liam had been a fixture for the past few weeks, refusing to leave his sister's side as they waited for the birth.

"I know. Liam's been a real strength in his own peculiar way but he never gives her any quarter. I suppose that's what she needs really. Everyone else is too indulgent with her. He keeps it real."

The two women watched the brother and sister bicker and then burst out laughing over something. 

"Nick would have smacked her bottom for half of the whinging that's gone on recently. He always called her the Whinging Pom...She hated that he refused to believe anyone who talked that posh could be True Blue..."

"She wouldn't have dared with him...that's the trouble...she's not scared of anyone else..." Annie laughed.

Brenda poured her another cup of tea. "Where's Sex on Legs?" She openly lusted after Terry and made no secret about it. It was now a family joke that made Terry roll his eyes and tell them all to stop acting like infants. Which made them laugh even more.

"If you mean Terry, he's hiding out on the links. He claims that he is sick and tired of hearing the word 'baby' but in fact is just too nervous to hang around the house. His precious little girl is going to go into labour any moment - we hope - and he can't bear to think about it. Don't remember him being so concerned about me..." Annie added wryly.

"Poor baby...you're too hard on that bloke. He's only a man...you have to be gentle with them," Brenda added.

"Too right. He lies awake at night worrying about her, you know...?"

"And you don't?" Brenda patted Annie's hand. 

"Well, I'm her mum. That's my job.  I'm just so scared she might have a relapse now. She's done so well but with the baby coming  and her likely emotional state after the birth - it's bad enough for any woman, never mind a girl in her position....it's going to bring it all back, Bren..."

"It's never gone away, love..." Brenda whispered softly. "When I think of that poor boy and what he gave up...!" She filled up with tears again, never able to mention Nick without crying a little bit. She dabbed at her eyes with the ever-present tissue and sniffed. "She never stops thinking about him. I can't see how this is any worse. At least the baby will give her something to do. And replace him in some way, you know?"

Annie nodded. "Yeah...she tough, I know, and resigned but...she's like her dad. They swallow it down but sometimes I wonder if you can be too brave..."

"You won't get much braver than your daughter. But then she's determined to keep things going for him. It's how she's coped all along..."

The phone interrupted their conversation. Annie took a message. "That was Jamie. He says he'll be round after work with some documents for her to sign. Is he... you know... sniffing around her?"

Brenda snorted. "He'd get short shrift if he tried. Don't think so. She made him the boss but she's the owner of the company. He keeps her up to speed, that's all...."

"But he fancies her? You reckon?" Annie wondered at the amount of times Farrow's name cropped up in the conversation these days. She wasn't sure she entirely approved of that. He was rather coarse. Then she laughed to herself. And Nick had been the Archangel Gabriel?

"They all fancy her. Any man with a functioning dick fancies her. But, no, I honestly don't think he's got an ulterior motive. He sort of idolizes her. And seems to think he has to take care of her for Nick. Whom he idolized, too. He's got a Sheila anyway. Nice girl. Brought her round once or twice. Works for Siphos."

Annie let that rest. She was in two minds as ever. She wanted Zoe to have a normal life but was a little afraid of her fragility when and if her daughter ever embarked on the dating game again. "Well, it's pretty academic at the moment anyway. Not many men would be interested in a heavily pregnant woman unless they were pretty kinky..."

"You'd be surprised," Brenda added with a chuckle. "Most of them wouldn't give a bugger to have a girl like that...but I'm just being crude...don't mind me...."

The two women carried on chatting for a while. Annie and Terry had been back a few weeks moving into an apartment they had bought over at Mosman. They had earlier spent spring and early summer reopening the house in France and making some renovations there too. Zoe had refused to accompany them there as they had wanted- and insisted she was left alone for a time. She had friends and Brenda still came every day, despite her newfound wealth. "I used to have a bloody job but now Costello's paid me in advance, it's a bleeding life sentence!" Brenda would complain. Just try keeping her away. She was like a faithful sentinel to her charge and Zoe oddly enough never seemed to resent her presence as she occasionally did the rest of the family. Brenda was a link with Nick somehow.

But there had been no doubt that Zoe was fairly reclusive and did not make a great deal of effort to get out and about since Nick had died. That worried them all a little.  But it was hard to tackle her on the subject. Any comment and she gave a sour look, remarkably like her father when forced to answer something he didn't want to, and normally closed up.  Occasionally she let fly. She intended to deal with what she had to in her way and no one else was going to tell her what she should and shouldn't do, right or wrong. You had to give it to the girl. She was getting through it.

Her own way.

Liam ran into the kitchen. "Mum...I think her waters just broke...either that or she peed herself big time..." He dashed out and the next moment carried her in again.

"I'm all right, Liam!"

"No, you're not, you're having a fuckin' baby..." he retorted as he took her upstairs to get changed and ready to leave. They had rehearsed the drill a hundred times. "Jesus Christ, you're heavy...! I'm glad Fliss is only five foot two..." he puffed as he reached the top of the stairs and made for her bedroom.

"You mean you're a weakling..." she badgered, jumping up and down in his arms to make it more difficult for him.

Meanwhile Annie called Terry. "Bloody great timing...you seen my score card...? The best round I've had in months..."

"You are joking...?"

"Actually I was. I'm playing like shit. Can't keep my mind on anything...meet you at the hospital...at least this has to be a happier wait than other times, hey...?"

 

*

 

December. Sydney.

Terry wandered down the path looking for her. It was almost time to get off and Zoe had suddenly disappeared. "Come on, little fella, let's go and find your Mum..."he whispered to the baby in his arms. Andreas struggled manfully. Even at five months he was a little livewire, eager to be off well before he had the strength and coordination to do so. Terry tucked him over his shoulder and set off down the path towards the beach. He presumed she would be there. It was where she usually hid herself when she wanted to think.

Sure enough, he came upon her sitting on the ground leaning against the rough sea wall, still in a little sun dress, not yet ready, looking like a teenager with her long legs splayed out in a wholly unladylike fashion. She was staring down at the ground, lost in thought.

"Hey, you..." he murmured softly. Zoe looked up and smiled holding her arms out for her son, who reached for her eagerly, his little arms and legs working to get to her and a beam of sheer delight on his face. "I think he's hungry..."

"He's always hungry...or just likes to nuzzle on my tit..." she giggled and dropped her dress easily, letting the baby latch on and settle down. Terry watched her fingers play with the child's wispy dark curls and the little boy's own chubby ones gripped around his mother's breast.

"You doing okay?"

She nodded. "Just wanted to get away for a bit. But I'm fine...just needed to think. I'll let him guzzle awhile and then go and throw a dress on or something...the caterers' finished setting up?"

"Yeah. Fliss is giving them what for. That girl could herd rats at a crossroads..." Terry grinned.  He adored little Fliss who was one of life's bundles of energy. She sure kept his son on his toes and for that he was eternally grateful. "Er...Jamie Farrow was looking for you...said he had something to give you..."

Zoe didn't seem to respond, muttering something to the baby softly. Terry thought either she had nothing to hide - or was covering up. "Farrow....you and him...anything you care to share...?" he asked more openly.

At that his daughter gave him an amused look. "Jamie Farrow and me?" But she didn't say yes or no.

"He seems to like you. You see a lot of him. I thought maybe something might have started up..."

"Well, I wouldn't kick him out of bed in the morning..." she snorted. "But I would have to get in it the night before first...Dad...he's fit. The earlier Zoe Thorne would have rooted his brains out. But, no, we are not an item. Have never been an item and are not planning to get together. He's strictly a bit of rough for a night on the booze down a club and find a studly spunk to take you home..." She giggled when she saw her father's face. "...Oh come on, St. Terrence...like you've never been that studly spunk? Not from what I've heard..."

"From who?"

"Whom...and do you really want me to give chapter and verse even on all those that I know about...which has to be about 1% of the entire list..."

Terry pouted. "0.1% more like..." then chuckled along with her. "I just thought...I mean...no one would blame you if you..."

"I know. And I will. When I am ready. But so far, I have not felt that particular urge. Much...okay, I'm lying. But I just don't feel ready for the baggage yet. Jamie's a good mate. Too good to shag. Even if once or twice I have had the urge. Anyway, he's dating a woman who works for us. And I am not going to mess Jamie's head up with any wrong signals just because I know he could give a girl a good time. He's had enough of that in the past. He's a good bloke...deserves better..."

Terry smiled at her. He wasn't sure whether to be happy or sad at her clear thinking and good sense. Sometimes you deserve a little recklessness in your life, sweetheart, he thought to himself. Or had Nick Costello been enough recklessness for a lifetime? Somehow he hope not. Had she become too cautious? "That's what your Mum said, but I just wondered...you know...if things had changed..."

Zoe shook her head. "Only one bloke gets into my bed these days, that's right, isn't it, Andre....? Here, take him a moment while I stand up..." She handed the baby to Terry, slipped the strap of her dress back in place and got to her feet, dusting herself down. "We used to sit here at night and look at the stars. Nick and I. Talk about stuff. I like to come here and tell him what's going on. I don't know if that's weird but it's what I do.  It gives me peace."

"Nothing wrong with that, love. He ever answer you back?" Terry returned the baby to her arms. She looked out to sea. "No. He won't. Even if he could, he wouldn't."

"How do you make that out?" It seemed an odd thing for her to be so certain about when most bereaved women might strive to try and prove their love would find a way.

"He wouldn't hold me back. He knows if I thought for one minute he was hanging around here for me in some spirit sense, I would never be free. He's gone. I know he has. He's not coming back to me. So, you don't have to worry about me being cuckoo or anything...!" She smiled.

"I wasn't worrying. Never met a saner woman. Maybe too sane for your own good at times." She turned back to him and they strolled up the path together slowly.

"There is one weird thing that has happened a few times. Now you may review your opinion of my sanity here on this one...Andreas is a very restless baby. He doesn't like to be left alone..." It was true. He had given her a hard time those first months, needing constant attention and always wanting to be nursed. As small as he was he had a temper and was fussy and demanding at times, a poor sleeper and very active. Much like Nick, Terry suspected.

"...sometimes in the mornings I go into his room and he's awake. Just lying there, all calm and peaceful. Babbling away and laughing, blowing little spit bubbles and kicking his legs and arms. There's a mobile above his cot but he isn't looking at it. He's looking to the side. Near the window. I could swear he can see someone and they are both talking....you think that's possible? That babies have a sense that we've all lost...? Does he see Nick? Or am I just grasping at straws?"

He saw her face a little tight and drawn as her rational self fought with her emotional need to feel that Nick had somehow managed to know this child. It didn't much matter whether he believed it or not. It was a small white lie to tell. "I've often heard people say that about babies. That they are in touch with elements that we cannot know. Nick is everywhere in this place. Who are we to say that Andreas can't sense his own father somehow? I don't know, love...but you could be right...I hope you are..."

She smiled sadly. "He left me that envelope of things. Remember?" Terry nodded. "I didn't find one thing until weeks later. I couldn't face the package for a long time. I must have missed this at the hospital that day when I emptied the contents out. So a few months after, I finally got to look at it again and this time at the bottom I found it...do you remember?"

Zoe showed him her wrist and the odd little woven leather strand wrapped round it. He did recognize it. "An old Indian shaman gave it to Nick in Chile. Told him he had bad karma and this would protect him..."

She nodded. "He never took it off. He was so superstitious, you know? He had all these odd beliefs and rituals. He must have taken the talisman off and added it to the envelope before he left that day. Stupid man! He left it for me to protect me in the future. But, he forgot he needed it himself...it all makes its own strange sense, Dad. I never believed things were preordained. He always did. Maybe he was right after all." Zoe kicked out at a stone. This was important to her.

"Had he lived there would always have been dangers for you as a family. Nick had many more enemies than I did - and look what happened to me..." Terry reminded her gently. It was time for her to face the likely recurrence of such traumas as the years rolled on, even had he survived.

"I know. He would always have feared reprisals. In the end he solved that problem permanently. In his own way. Taking control. He didn't have to spend his life looking behind him then. You know, he always said he thought he would never see forty...I think he feared getting old because he knew then he would be at risk. They never let you go, Dad...do they?"

Terry acknowledged her remark. "It was always my fear for you both..."

"I know. Well, I do now. Didn't then, of course. I was too young and arrogant. Thought I knew better than everyone else. But I've learnt a lot. Nick never did see forty. He will always be young and handsome and vital to me and in some ways, he wanted it that way. No one took it away from him in the end. He gave it up. Do you know that Jamie killed Brook?" she added suddenly.

The change of subject shocked Terry into showing that he did indeed know. She had worked that one in very cleverly. "Who told you that?"

"No one..." she laughed wryly. "I worked it out. Coincidence can happen - but not to men like you. Nick taught me that. If something smells like a rat it generally is a rat. So I never bought that story of Brook and his car going off the road taking an icy corner in a blizzard..."

"How do you feel about that?"

She shrugged. "Jamie didn't need to do it. Brook couldn't hurt me anymore. And he would have got his one day, anyway. Karma's a bitch, Dad. But...I don't give a fuck. Saved a few women a whole lot of heartache no doubt and the world can do without him. He won't be missed. I have grown up, Dad. No more bleeding heart liberal. I still don't approve of playing god - but I understand it. I certainly didn't shed any tears. Or send a wreath."

They had reached the house and Annie ran out, sweeping the baby out of her arms and telling her to hurry and get dressed.  Zoe turned back to her father. "Ever tell you how much I love you?" she said to him with a wide smile before kissing him fondly on the cheek.

"First time today, princess..."He grinned back and ruffled up her hair. Patting her behind, he told her to go get. She ran up the steps away from him, not to much removed from the little girl he had once known.

She was going to be fine.

 

*

 

Liam dragged himself out of the bed, evading Fliss's grasp, giggling. "Fuck off, nympho...! Look at the time. No one's gonna buy jetlag...we've been in bed fifteen hours...!" Fliss threw herself back on the pillows and screeched with laughter as he loped naked over to the window and looked out. "Ripper of a day...what the fuck were we doing in crappy old London anyway?"

"Working...that thing you do to pay for the extravagant lifestyle you lead, remember?" She joined him at the window looking out onto the grounds and the activity below. "Who's the pretty little red head?"  She indicated a young girl of about sixteen wandering about alone.

"Mol Lapenti. Dino's girl. She fancies me...no doubt trying to find out where I am..." he answered smugly, ducking behind the curtain. "Christ, they all do...I jjst can't help my animal magnetism...and that other little tyke chatting up the waitress is her elder brother, Nate. He is one hound dog. Like a rat up a fucking drain... takes after his father, I suspect..."

"Takes after all men, you mean....Race you for the shower...!" Fliss bounded away and Liam made a dart for the bathroom, grabbing her and throwing her behind him, running in and locking the door. She hammered on it. "Let me in!! You nuts? I'm going to shower with you...!"

He unlocked the door. "Just leave my nuts alone, thank you...they're totally drained...come on, then...scrub my back...!"

As they were dressing, Fliss turned to him. "You nervous about singing? I am. I think I might screw up and cry..."

"You won't..." Liam replied. "You're a  trooper. S'what we do..."

"She seems so together. Serene. How does she do that? If it were you..." Fliss stopped and shook herself to regain her composure. "I'd just want to die too."

Liam gathered her up and held her chin tilted up to him, kissing her lips softly. "You say that but you wouldn't. It's different when you're in it. And there's Andreas. He's her world. Nick gave her the ultimate gift. All the reasons she needs..."

"But it isn't the same!" Fliss insisted.

"Of course not. But it is a reason. That's all I'm saying."

"She ever see any blokes? Like date? What about Farrow...surely she wouldn't...?" Fliss couldn't stand Jamie. She was never going to forgive him for what he had done to Liam even if it ultimately had been for the best. Jamie for his part tried his hardest with her but she just blanked his every attempt. It amused Liam. She was such a little tigress in his defence.

"No...they're mates..." Liam shrugged. "She trusts him. He was there for Nick and Dad. At the end. It made a lasting impression on her. But he isn't romancing her. Zoe is still grieving and will be for a long, long time. And as far as I know she hasn't even been after comfort sex...although she is more likely to tell you that, being her girlfriend and all..."

Fliss laughed. "Well, she hasn't said anything to me. But...I shall continue to dig...you know I will! The baby is so gorgeous, isn't he...?Have you ever seen big, brown eyes like that? Those lashes! And those dark curls!!!"

Liam turned round and gave her one of his misty eyed looks. "How would you like one of them...?"

He was rewarded with her rolling her eyes. "You and I have blue eyes...fairish hair...and I am not ready to be a mum. Nor are you ready to be a dad really. You just think you are. But yeah...one day...we'll have one those of those...or maybe more than one??"

Liam took a deep sigh. "Can't wait...but I will...unless I can find someone else to do the honours...?" Fliss pulled out her tongue and he laughed in his carefree style. She wasn't scared of his eye roving. He just wasn't interested in the pack any more. He'd done it and it held no mystery for him. Liam was a faithful man. That thought gave her a warm glow inside.

"Come on...we'll be holding them up...let's get this show on the road, hey, sweet cheeks?"

 

*

 

Dino and Terry hovered about the fringes of the crowd that was gathering. Not everyone had been at the church; Zoe had wanted the christening to be rather intimate but the after party was shaping up to be quite some occasion. It was possibly a big ordeal for her too: the first time since the funeral that she had been in such a group and bound to be the centre of attention, curiosity and even some well-meaning but unlooked for pity. "Lot of people here," Dino observed.

Terry nodded thoughtfully.

"What's on your mind?"

He shrugged. "A lot of things. I did some investigating..."

Dino grinned. "I am so surprised...not like you at all...so? And found?"

"I was concerned about the Tan clan. It seems we are safe though. I wonder how much of this Nick knew? Probably all. He never made a move unless he knew the whole picture. That's what people never really understood about him. The best leave nothing to chance. If he had thought that by killing Tan, the wrath of the family would be intensified - he wouldn't have done it, I'm pretty sure of that..."

"So what did go down?"

"Straight out of some Mafia story. The consiglieri - or whatever they call themselves in Cantonese - all turned on each other, carving the empire up. There has been massive infighting and turf warfare since - and no one gives a toss for Tan. Same for the family - the rest of them were legit and faintly embarrassed about the origins of their billions. Tan's death has allowed them to detach the bona fide stuff and they are happier for it. He wasn't liked even by his siblings - you know how these rich dynasties are - and his wife apparently hated his guts. She has married her lover, some young Hong  Kong movie star, now lives in California and has never been happier...so Nick made everyone happy...but more to the point...Zoe is safe. The child too. That was my only fear...."

Dino nodded his understanding. "She's bearing up?" It was half statement, half question.

"Yeah. As well as you can in the circumstances. How would you cope?"

"Not well." That was all either needed to say. It covered a world of shared nightmares.

"Liam's fallen right on his size 10s..."

"You bet..."Terry grinned. "Fliss is the dream daughter-in-law. God knows what she sees in him but she's just the best thing he ever did. Makes you wonder why we bother with boys. Bringing them up, I mean. They always end up like wild animals anyway until a good woman gets them - and then they roll over and beg like good little doggies then...

Dino chuckled. "I'll believe that when I see it. Civilise Nathaniel? It will never happen...I'm even struggling with his sister and her libido as it is. I am so sick of throwing young men out of her room or dragging her out of their cars at the end of the driveway..."

"My heart bleeds for you, mate...the fun is only just beginning for you..."

"Could have been us, pal. Should have been us. You ever think of that?" Dino suddenly reverted back to the topic of Nick.

"Every fucking day, mate. We must have been born under some star."

"He was always the most at risk."

"He didn't die from his own risk. He died from mine. Irony, eh?" Terry muttered, screwing his eyes up as he looked away over the shimmering harbour water on that relentlessly hot afternoon.

"You still blaming yourself?" Dino looked over with that incisive stare of his.

"Not really. Well, sometimes. But he was his own man. Nick knew what he was doing. Operationally he made the right choice. Personally, I'm not so sure."

"His choice to make. Like it or not, she will survive. The child will grow. She'll fall in love again. Woman like that needs a man...Time will fade his memory...it's the way it goes. We always knew that..." he watched Zoe as she circulated, her son in her arms, smiling, relaxed, the consummate hostess. He wasn't fooled. That was another Terry Thorne at work. The eyes told the real story. The true cost.

"You lusting after my girl?" Terry added, a soft smile on his own face as he observed her.

"I'm still breathing. Give me a break..." Dino replied.

Terry poured out two slugs and held the glass out to Dino. "We've been lucky bastards, for all that, hey, mate? Scotch...the good stuff..."

Dino tipped his glass. "You mean once you stopped thinking a client's wife was going to heal your soul, you mean? And found a real woman to do it for you?"

They both laughed at that. "What's your fucking excuse then? A toast..." They held up their glasses. "Let's hope that what we got left is a whole lot less interesting than what went before...what you reckon?"

"Time to pass it on...time to pass it on...!" Dino murmured and downed the shot as Terry patted him on the back and stared off out again, lost in thought...

 

*

 

"She looked so beautiful...that white dress...it made me think of weddings..." Mel observed sadly as Annie handed her a glass of champagne.

"Yeah...? Not sure whether it had a symbolism to her. You never know. She keeps a lot close to her chest. I wish she would open up more. I mean, we do talk but she isn't really prepared to have any deep heart-to-hearts. I told her a little about Ben. The thing was, I've almost forgotten him. Isn't that cruel? I doubt she wanted to hear that. I think it is what she most fears. Losing the image of Nick she carries inside That people will forget...that it all was for nothing..."

"It will never be forgotten. Those who cared about him will never forget..."Mel assured her, overcome herself for a moment.

"She says Andreas will never really know him. He will just be the guy who fathered him and died before he was born. The most important man in his life...except he won't be. Not really. Biology is only the start not the real influence. She knows that. And it hurts."

Mel sighed. "He's got Nick Costello stamped all over him.Physically and probably in his little personality, too. He carries his name. Nick loved his mother. Nick regarded that as enough posterity for him. Even if we know it is scant recompense really..."

Annie nodded and took a swig of her drink. "Anyway...how's life your end?"

"Good. Kids are driving us demented. But what's new? First holiday we've taken in ages. Let's see what's so special about this place, huh?"

Annie giggled. "Be careful. Oz has a way of gripping you and never letting go..."

"No, that is you and your tight little pussy on Terry's dick...mixing up your metaphors darlin'..."

"Mel! That is disgusting! Do you ever change?""

"I bloody hope not...get me another glass of this rather excellent bubbly. I am going to get pissed and embarrass Red....again...!" she giggled. Then she leaned over and slipped an arm around her old friend. "Zoe will one day look back and this will be a sad but far away memory of her first love. There's someone out there waiting for her. Nick knew there would be. It's why he could let her go in the end..."

 

*

 

The large gathering began to settle down in the marquee. Zoe took a deep breath and went up onto a small stage that had been erected, already containing the accoutrements of a band.  She stood at the microphone and gave people time to realise she was waiting, stop talking and pay attention. A ripple of expectation ran through the crowd.

"Hello..." she began tentatively, a nervous smile twitching the corner of her mouth. "I wanted to say something. For quite a few reasons really. I didn't speak at the funeral. I wasn't really in the zone then, you know?" She laughed a little self-consciously at that. "But, I was determined that today I would put that right. I don't know what most of you think about today's date being chosen for Andreas to be christened. I suspect some of you might think it a bit creepy. Nick died a year ago today. Perhaps some of you don't know that it was also his birthday. Like Shakespeare...you know? Born and died on the same date? He would be forty one today. He wouldn't really have liked the thought of that, now would he?" She laughed and others joined in. No, he wouldn't have.

"Anyway...there used to be an old tradition. About mourning. There comes a day when you put it aside. Take off the weeds...not that I ever wore them really. But I have been apart from life for a long time. I know I have. And it's time to get stuck right back in. Nick didn't die so that I could wither away. He wanted me to live for both of us. And I intend to. And for his son, of course. Andreas must not grow up limited by the fact he does not have a father. Which is not quite true. He does have a father. He just does not have a father who is around. Today, I am officially declaring my mourning is over.  Mourning and grief, however, are not the same things. I reserve the right to grieve for a while longer yet..."

Zoe paused and let that sink in. "I want today to be all the things Nick's funeral was not. I want us to be happy and remember him with laughs and affection. One thing bothers me about death and bereavement. Nick has become a dead man to you all. His life is now defined by his death. That is wrong. His death was just the end. Just another event in his life. It might have been different. His character might have been proved by how he chose to die - but it was not how he chose to live. I for one am not remembering that awful day anymore. I choose to remember the man he was in all his flaws and charms, strengths and weaknesses, the good and bad that were definitely pars of his makeup. He was not a bad man but he was not an entirely good one either. Don't make him into something he wasn't. He would hate that. He would mock notions like that. You know he would."

She was right. Everyone knew she was. It is human nature though to treat the dead like they had always known they would become this icon for the ones left behind. How false is that?

"One thing that would have surprised him greatly, though. He thought he had no friends. He almost cultivated that image of being a loner. I think he would have got a great big kick out of the number of people who crowded into the church for his funeral. He must have been laughing and saying: "Fuck me!" People from so far back in his life, school friends, army mates, colleagues from years of service in different agencies, men who never normally emerge from the shadowy world they inhabit made the effort for my Nick, lots of girls, women- and he had been such a bugger to them all - but they still loved him for it.  And I was so proud of that. He was wrong after all. He had made a difference. People had cared. You couldn't not like him. What was not to like? Nick was real. Never hid what he was or pretended to be a better person than he thought himself to be. But actually, of course, he was. All the best men never know how good they are. That is the tragedy of honourable men. I of all women have known that since childhood..." She looked over at her father. "Goes for honourable women too...obviously..." she smiled at her mother.

"There are a few things being celebrated today apart from the christening and Nick's birthday as well. I want to mention my Mum and Dad who got married - again - it was so good the first time apparently, they had to do it twice. It was hole and corner as befits my Dad's penchant for covert ops, so we are shaming them both now. Then there was the recent engagement of my brother and his lovely lady, Fliss. She's quite mad of course. She'd have to be. I'm glad to say that their secret is out and I am sure the press will be full of it tomorrow! No date set yet. Fliss says she's waiting for Liam to grow up. Could be a very long engagement, babes... Nick would have loved to see you two together. He always lusted after Fliss. Amongst most other beautiful women who caught his eye. You can't keep a good man down, hey?" She laughed heartily and so did the audience.

"On a more serious note. Thank you to all those people who turned out to honour Nick on that sad day when we laid him to rest. I did appreciate it even if I couldn't quite deal with it then. Today, is different. I am stronger. I have my son and my family and friends, without whom I could not have taken a step this past year - or any year. Nick's sisters who have suffered too and been so good to me. Brenda...and her family - I would die without you, Bren! All the people here today who have travelled so far to share this tribute to the man I love so much...Thank you. Mum and Dad... how can I even begin to tell you what you mean to me...? Liam...and Fliss (you're a saint- how do you put up with him?)...and Harry and Jax... ...and all little one...and Auntie Penny...Auntie Mel and Uncle Dino...Nate and Mol...all my girlfriends...we'll get wasted later! - and Gillie - the baby's beautiful! - Jamie...my rock... oh, so many people! Nick would be in his element today, showing off and clowning around and boasting and shocking you all..."

She stopped, a few tears finding a way through now that she was getting to the heart of it. But she found her composure and continued. "...So enjoy the food. There's loads of booze...naturally... Nick would have probably ordered strippers but as I'm in charge there'll be none of that...and if you play your cards right there may be some entertainment later...have a wonderful day. Think of Nick often. And don't be feeling sad. I consider myself the luckiest girl in the world. He lived his life in the fast lane. I went down that lane with him for awhile. It was worth it. One day with him was like a lifetime with someone else. I think we got our fifty glorious years in a different sort of way...Finally, my greatest thanks...to Nick... for Andreas, his greatest gift to me along with his love...To Nick, Andreas...and the future!" She held up her glass of champagne and the room stood for her and quietly drank the toast.

 

*

 

Food cleared away, wine glasses filled, coffee pots circling, Liam and a few of his band busied themselves setting up the final sound checks to the equipment. In truth he was feeling more nervous that he had expected to be. An audience of 50,000 at a football stadium was easier than this by far. Zoe's speech had finished him off. Fliss came over and put her arms round his neck. "You okay?" She always knew. He nodded unconvincingly.

"Let me go first?" He nodded again and kissed her softly.

"I'd die without you..." he whispered.

"No, you wouldn't. Look at Zoe. No one dies for love."

"Nick did..."

There was no answer to that.

Fliss had a few hurried words with the band before sitting at the piano. The room fell quiet. It was quite a coup having two successful international recording artistes as entertainment at a baby's christening reception.

She leaned towards the microphone and spoke in her breathy style. "I wrote this song for Zoe back then. Maybe it isn't the best choice for today but in a way I think it is. She's come a long way since then.  And on a sunny day like this it seems the message has come true in the end. She has seen the sun again. I wish you all good things, Zoe...thank you for being my friend...and trusting him to me..." She looked over at Liam who grinned through his tears. Typical of Liam to be the one to cry.

 

 

 

"Holding up? You look...pensive..." Terry addressed Annie as Fliss's anthemic refrain died away. He took her hand and massaged it gently, turning it over, as he often did, and stroking the scars, faded but still there. She glanced up at him almost shyly, her eyelids lowered, the seductive gaze that still brought a warm glow to his heart - and, he had to be honest, further down as well.

"I'm fine...well...sad for her, of course. She's so remarkable. I find it hard to believe she is my child. So strong. Stronger than me. She is so like you. Which makes it even sadder that she has to be alone. She does not deserve this. He did not deserve it. Life is so shitty! Yet...I have you here and I am happier than I have ever been and that seems so damned unfair. Liam is so happy too. Harry and Jax expecting another baby.... Our lives are so settled. Why did she have to be the one to pay in the end? You know, when he died, I couldn't help feeling this sense of relief - that it wasn't you. How terrible is that! How could I have felt like that? To my own daughter? I can't quite forgive myself for that. Or for still feeling it today...."

Terry touched her face. "Human nature. We can't be perfect all the time. Some of the time is more than most manage..." he teased. "You're better than perfect, Annie. You're you. And you are strong. Stronger than you know. Kept us all going many times. In my case for bloody years...She's got to face it, maybe simply because she can. Who knows why things happen? Maybe there's a reason - Nick always thought there was. Maybe there isn't. But you believe what you need to get you through. She has to feel his death had purpose. If you tell her that it should have been me, it will only undermine that surety she has that it makes sense somehow. It's like when soldiers die in battle. It is important that the folk back home always believe their sacrifice was worthwhile..."

"And is it?" Annie whispered.

"No...not really..." he answered and sighed. "But we tell them differently. Always will.  And her most especially...."

"I still feel I should have got her. That last moment. When he woke up briefly..."

"It would have achieved nothing. Probably just left him to die alone while you woke her up. That would not have been good for him. The guy needed holding. He thought she was holding him. Or maybe he knew she wasn't. That might be why he summoned up the courage to go in the end. Stop sweating it, love. It doesn't matter. She ever blame you for it?"

Annie shook her head. "The contrary. Later she thanked me for being there. But, Terry...I can't forget that cry she made when I had to tell her...I'll never forget it...it was like the groan of a dying animal...and he went so quietly..."

For moments they just sat there holding hands. Terry called a waiter, ordered her a cognac, made her sip it slowly as she recovered her cool. She had never really let herself break over this. He wondered whether it was time to take her somewhere and just let her get it all out. Or maybe she just had?

"Liam...he's going to sing. It will be an ordeal for him. He's been close to tears all day..."

"Yeah, I know...he was always a crier, hey?" A picture of Liam as a little boy, his big eyes brimming with tears a she was chastised for some crime came into his mind. He couldn't help smiling at the memory.

They settled back to watch their son take his place at the microphone, sitting on a stool, his guitar in his hands, strumming idly.

"Long time ago, I made a tape. In my bedroom..." he laughed to himself. "Gave it one day to Nick. Most people would have trashed it. Nick listened, liked it, passed it to a very important acquaintance - and the rest is history, as they say. But that's not why I mentioned it. Other than to say, that was Nick. He was a really genuine bloke. If he felt you deserved it, he would...do anything for you...as he proved in the end. On the other hand if he didn't like you...well, you better watch your back. He wouldn't piss on someone he didn't rate if they were on fire. He might do a hell of a lot worse. That was also Nick."

He laughed again. "This was the first song on that tape. He liked it a lot. He told me once he always thought of Zoe when I sang it. My sister. I bloody well didn't write it for her though... " They all laughed at his aside. No one was fooled about the love these two siblings shared. "... But it hit some chord with Nick. He said Zoe was his new dawn. That she had given him a second bite at an apple he had already thrown away. Well, I'm going to sing it for her now. I'm not Nick and never will be but I'll always be there for you and my little nephew...as long as I live, Zoe...you know that, don't you?" His voice caught a little then. Fliss slipped to the floor below him and sat there smiling up at him, encouraging him to get through it. He breathed out a few times, slowly. "Nick, you old bastard...you're up there laughing at this shite, I imagine. Running wild...just like your life was...this one's for you, mate...we do remember you..."

 

 
 *See the Sun by Dido and High by James Blunt can be heard here.

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