Chapter 8

Mornings in the tropics are either blazing fires or blue-tinged jewels. It's like a storm is blowing in across the island when the morning dawns like a jewel. There's nowhere else in the world you get those mornings. And there's something that's always made me sad about the sound of coconut palms shifting in those types of morning breezes. Time of morning. Or is it time of mourning?

I was there to greet that jewel of a dawn. Peeking at it from behind a curtained window in a guesthouse somewhere on an island who's only gift to me would be danger. Face forward into a day that I was hoping I'd live through.

"Come back to bed, Lisa." Even half-clouded with sleep, Terry Thorne had a voice I think I might have crawled through broken glass to reach by that point.

I turned to look at him, letting the curtain fall back, shuttering the room back into darkness. All I could really see clearly of him was the outline of his chest and arms. Had I never noticed those arms before? Those were the kind of arms that could never do anything but keep a woman safe. They were arms made to be holding me.

He had one of those bodies that seem deceptive when clothed in something civilized like a suit. Cutting a dashing figure and looking fine, but not flashy like a body-builder or sleek like a model. It's when bodies like this peek out that they become the stuff that women take real note of. Sturdy, muscled arms in rolled up sleeves. Tree-trunk legs bared in shorts. Even his strong neck teasing in an open-necked Oxford shirt. Hands he could never hide that would always be things women would watch.

But take away all his clothes. I walked toward him lying there and watched as he lifted the sheet covering him so I could slide in underneath and snuggle up against him. Nude he was simply a man like no other I'd been with. And he claimed he didn't even work that hard at it. Wasn't religious about it, he said, but lifted weights, ran and exercised to keep in shape because the job demanded he be in his prime physically.

I had loved really getting acquainted with his body the night before. When I should have first really seen him, when we were together in the shower, there was so much happening that I simply couldn't afford the time to really totally enjoy just his body.

But after the shower, when I had the chance to towel him off... I blushed so hard when he noticed how I was really looking at him with such intensity. "Like what you're seeing, then, Love?" he asked me in that whiskey smooth voice he probably loves to use to make women weak in the knees.

"Absolutely," I told him and was rewarded with a deep kiss.

"Before we start anything else, Lisa, let's at least try to make it to the bedroom," he murmured against my ear even as I was kissing along his chest.

"You started it," I replied, looking pointedly down at the part of him that was certainly rising to the occasion.

We left the bathroom chastely draped in towels but Dino had the class to already be behind the closed door of their bedroom so we could all pretend that no one knew exactly what we were up to that night.

Inside the bedroom they'd set aside for me, we shut the door and shut out the world. I felt like he locked out the fears that accompanied me to Trinidad. I made a conscious decision that I would not talk or even think about it. I needed to escape into this man.

It was a strange feeling to be in that bedroom with him at first. To know exactly why we were there. And to be unsure how to begin with him. But when he walked toward me, it was so natural to come in close to his body. I just really wanted to run my hands over his skin, to feel the play of his muscles as he moved against me.

He kissed me for so long. Soft at first, with a tenderness that I would never forget. And then his mouth opening wider, trying to reach so far into me, our lips and tongues growing so urgent with each other.

Whispering to me, murmuring words that made the wetness between my legs feel like a large puddle. And then slowly taking the towel from around my body and lifting me in his strong arms. Kissing me as he laid me gently across one of the beds. Coming down to lie next to me, our bodies moving against each other as we kissed. And then breaking away from my lips to begin exploring the rest of my body. Reminding me almost instantly of that talent he had for knowing what I wanted and giving it to me. Like he read my body and mind that easily.

"I love your breasts," he smiled up to me as he paused in the middle of steadily devouring them with his mouth. Funny thought came into my mind. I liked my breasts an awful lot at that particular moment as well. And as he made me really, really happy with my breasts, I was moaning and arching into his mouth. "Such a responsive woman," he chuckled softly.

I almost didn't notice his hand that had snuck down to explore my sex because I was so busy enjoying what his mouth was doing with my breasts. But as his hand became a bit more aggressive, my wiggling down there was becoming a bit more pronounced as well. And when he slipped two fingers inside me and followed that with a thumb insistently massaging my clit, well, my entire body seemed to lift off the bed in a rolling, writhing arch.

"Oh sweet Mother of God in Heaven," I groaned out to him as he brought me to a stunning climax.

Before I even stopped feeling that distinctive sweet victory roll through me, his mouth was kissing deeply along my inner thighs. That sensitive skin seemed to magnify the feel of his lips on my body and my legs dropped open wider. My gasp when his mouth touched my sex was so loud, he paused for just a second and looked up at me. I was looking down at him and smiled weakly, nodding my head and then I watched as his tongue came drifting out of his mouth. Before he even touched me, I'd closed my eyes and when it snuck up inside me, I felt my head snap back. "My God. What a mouth."

He laughed at my unexpected exclamation, sending these shivers through me just before he began to suck and lick me in earnest. I actually lost count of the number of times I felt like I came because they started running together and I felt like a limp dishrag before he finally rose from there and climbed back over my body. Leaning on his hands, he bent down to kiss me gently and I tasted myself on him.

"What would you like next?" he asked me softly as I came slowly out of the climaxing and regained the ability to think.

"Anything," I told him. And meant it. No matter what he chose to do, I knew without a doubt I'd like it. 

He smiled seductively at me. "Anything? Mmm. My choice then?"

I almost giggled at the light in his eyes but sucked in a huge breath as he grasped me around the waist and turned me over so I was face down on the bed. Felt this little tingle chase up my spine as I felt his breath and nothing else at first. "Terry?"

"Trust me, Love." 

Then I felt him lean in behind me and his mouth began licking and sucking along my spine. I was tingling at each place he stopped for any length of time. And barely noticed as one hand reached around my waist and then snuck slowly down to my clit, which was pressed against the folds of the bed sheet. Even as he began softly playing with me, he was also pulling me up onto my knees. And his hand continued to massage me, finally grasping my tight little bundle of nerves between his thumb and forefinger and sending shock waves through me. Then I was so pleased to feel the head of his shaft nudging insistently at my slick opening.

"Please." I moaned to him, rubbing myself against him, trying to invite his entry.

"Now?" Soft, deep voice that commanded my attention.

"Yes, please. I want you in me. Now." It felt like such a sweet reward. He moved into me with a solid thrust that seemed to reach deeper into me than I would have ever thought possible. As he began slowly moving in me, I was moving back against him, matching his pace and wiggling ever so slightly as his hand never stopped administering such wonderful attention to my clit.

Before long, I was bucking hard against him as his own thrusting picked up in tempo and force. In some vacuum of sound around us, I still managed to hear him groaning and saying my name and even cursing lightly. By then, he'd wrapped one arm firmly around my waist and the other arm was holding me higher up along my ribs, with that hand securely cupping one of my breasts.

"Terry. OhmyGod. Oh, Terry." At first muttering and then out loud, my voice sounding hoarse to my ears as I struggled toward a release that shocked me for its intensity and the way it seemed to blast outwards from my clit and then shoot in waves across my body.

"That's right, baby, come for me. Lisa, it's okay," his voice was saying to me and I felt its echoing rumble in his chest, which was pressed right up against my back by then. He was holding me tight, keeping me upright as my orgasm took away my ability to even remember to keep kneeling under him. I felt my internal muscles spasm around his big cock and heard his answering groan. He came into me with hard pulses that seemed to last forever, and I could feel his hot seed seeping out of me a little more with each one.

He couldn't really just let go of me because I would have collapsed face forward into the bed with a thud. Instead, his strong arms gently lowered me and then he came to lie by my side. I turned my head toward him, cracked open an eye and found him watching me. His hand reached out and smoothed my hair from my eyes. We traded smiles and his was so sweet it made my heart skip some beats. I used what strength I had left to crawl to him and lay my head on his chest. So secure when his arms gathered me tightly to him. One hand rubbing me lightly along my arm and his mouth coming down to plant a soft kiss on my forehead.

I'm not sure there was a real conscious thought in my head until I woke up hours later, finding myself in a spoon position with him. His sturdy body wrapped around me, his head tucked into my shoulder. I was so tired but there was a part of my mind that suddenly refused to turn off. And even though I'd vowed to myself not to do it, I thought of the last time I'd been on this island. I was hearing echoes of the past and shoved my hands over my ears to try to shut them out. I had no idea I was moving or talking aloud. I thought it was all in my head.

Until I felt Terry's arms grip me tighter and shake me lightly. My hands slipped down from my ears and he asked, "What won't you let happen again?"

And I knew then I'd said it out loud. "Nothing. It's nothing. I swear."

He turned me on my back and leaned over me, peering right into my eyes. "Tell me, Lisa. It's okay, Love. You're trembling. Tell me what it is."

Shaking my head and reaching my hands up to cup his jaw, feeling that stubble that darkened his skin there. "Please don't make me have to see him in person. Please, Terry. I won't... I just don't think I can do it and still... Just please don't make me."

"Lisa, the only contact should be by radio. But if you actually have to see him, I swear I'll be with you. You won't ever go in alone." His eyes looked deeply troubled.

"God. I've never been scared like this before when I'm on an operation. We both know I'm in no shape to do this. I'll get us both killed."

He knew I was right. I could see it in his eyes. It was more than being rusty. It was the way I absolutely could not control how I was feeling. Carlos Santiago had me psyched out and that gave him the most powerful weapon that existed. It was the hesitations I'd make, the steps I'd lose to energy given over to fear and hate. Those things were killers.

"I want you to listen to me, Lisa. Somewhere inside you is the person you need to be. Your training, your experience, hell, your instincts haven't left you." He was drilling his eyes into me.  Speaking to me in this voice of absolute authority. Words low but with such force each one seemed to smack into me. "You need to make the mental adjustment to admit you're back in the game. You know what it's going to take. Now bring it back up. You can do it, Lisa. Stop wallowing in anger or fear. You're still a professional. Time to be one."

It was his words but it was also the way his eyes changed on a dime. I saw his SAS person blaze out at me. I had a person like that inside me as well. He was dead on right. If I wasn't willing to do it just for me, then I had to do it for him. And Dino. They had thrown in their lots with me. In the course of hearing the briefing the night before, it had been made clear to me that they were the negotiators but they were also the people who were responsible for keeping me alive to use as bait. That essentially made us a team and one weak team member would get others on the team killed.

It's why covert operations are never one-person affairs. They always involve the team. Because it's in the unique psychology of teams that each member rises above their own fears and limitations in support of the team. Tying each member's fate into the fate of every other member. If you fail, it's not you that pays, it's the team. Win or lose. And in this game, losing usually means death.

I closed my eyes for a while and willed myself to chase out the clutter I had let accumulate inside my brain. I needed clarity and I needed resolve. Like a light went on inside that brain, I remembered how from Terry to Kirk to Dino, they'd noticed and remarked on the fatal flaw I had just then. It was the inability to control my emotional outbursts. It was one thing to feel something; it was quite another to let others see it when it served no purpose. And for all that was happening around me and to me, I knew I could do it. I just had to find the right mask to slip behind.

When I opened my eyes back up and refocused on his eyes, he looked down at me for a while. And then bent to me, kissing me softly on the lips. "You can do this, Lisa. I can see it in you already."

I reached up for him and pulled his body on top of mine, my mouth seeking his and only feeling satisfied when we were almost struggling for control of that kiss. When he pulled away from me, I knew the air in the room had shifted, as if there was some unseen electrical pulse zapping inside there near us.

This time when we made love, it was blazing with heat and I was absolutely in charge. Which I swear to God he needed me to be. He needed to see the shift in me was happening, that the confidence was almost bordering on dominance.

But after, there was a new hollow place inside me. Dominance was the one thing I didn't really want to experience in sex again. It's what had gotten me into trouble here the last time. I drifted off to sleep troubled by my reaction but comforted by his body holding mine.

The next time I woke, I stumbled out to the bathroom, answering the call of nature and then looking in that mirror again as I washed my hands. Seeing me and no longer able to see through me. This was a good thing, no? Fuck it, I said to myself sternly, think about this kind of crap when you have the luxury to care.

And when I'd come back to the room, he looked peaceful. I stood and watched him sleep. Then peeked out of the curtains to watch the morning's beginning. And when he finally woke and urged me back to the bed, I slipped in next to him with relief.

There was something in the air. I could scent it like it was a heady perfume. Adventure and danger. My eyes shut, wrapped in his embrace, him murmuring to me as he began to stroke my body, inviting me to escape with him into pleasure.

The moment was there and I understood clearly. I wouldn't let him and Dino down. We were a team now.

We were already up and dressed by the time Dino stumbled out of his room.  I was downing coffee while Terry sipped hot tea. When Dino finally joined us, we talked briefly about the things we knew the day would hold. Everything up to the 0900 drop off of a Polaroid picture of me holding the morning edition of the island's paper was already firmly set. And then Terry was supposed to be negotiating via radio starting at 1100, but we all knew anything could change once Carlos had proof I was there.

On the way to the main house, Terry handed me my cell phone and they stayed with me while I called in to Dave. I hoped the only reason Terry again insisted on listening in was for show.

"Boss, how long do you expect to be gone?" Dave said.

"I'm still not sure. Probably no more than three days." I looked at Dino and he nodded. "Any situations I need to know about?"

"None. But, look, do I change the duty roster while you're gone to fill in the hole?" I didn't get whatever the fuck message he was trying to send me and filed it away to think on later.

"I don't know, Dave. You're in charge. Just do what you think is best. I trust you." I said it with irritation in my voice and even rolled my eyes at Dino for added measure.

"There's one thing, boss. I tried to call your cell this morning and it wasn't on. What's up?" Dave said.

I looked at Terry and his eyebrows went up. "Um. Well, the hospital doesn't let you use cell phones in the cardiac unit so I've been keeping it off unless I'm calling in since I have to go outside to use it."

That earned me a thumbs up from both men.

"You know that's not gonna cut it, boss. What if we need to get ahold of you?" Dave said.

That's when I got it. You know, this was a legitimate issue, which anyone listening in would have understood him being upset about. But I figured what was really going on was that Dave was trying to keep me on the line long enough to triangulate my cell's signal. I needed to play along and hope these other men weren't timing anything. Because I needed Dave coming after me. And I didn't feel that this in any way betrayed Terry and Dino.

Making my voice exasperated. "Dave. I don't really have a choice now, do I? What exactly do you want me to do?"

We started going back and forth, both sounding like we were in an escalating argument. Me waiting for a signal from him that we could stop it and him likely waiting on a signal from some technician that they had me located. When from nowhere, Terry punched off the power button.

"Hey. What gives?" I said to Terry.

He looked hard into my eyes, then said, "You were staying on too long. Can't let them trace the signal. Now call back, apologize for hanging up and tell him you'll call in this afternoon. Nothing else. Don't give him any chance to engage you in more conversation. Understand?"

Nodded shortly and hit redial. Did as instructed and then Terry shut the phone off.

I wondered if he knew or suspected what I'd done.

When we walked into the main house, the first thing that caught my eye was a sheet that had been fastened to the wall near the fireplace. A coldness wrapped around my heart.

"How are the kiddies back in D.C.?" Kirk said merrily as he walked toward me. Meaning the phone call to the Department, of course. He tugged on the front of my shirt and pulled me to sit on a stool set up in front of the sheet. "Smile pretty, Lisa. We want our boy Carlos to be hard when he realizes how close you are. And I know how you liked torturing him."

Instantly, eternally, absolutely, positively grateful for Terry's instructions in the morning. It was the only thing that saved me from hauling off and slamming Kirk's ass into the floor. I swear I would have done it, too. But I was a person who'd found a way to slip back a few years into my past and adopt my carefully crafted persona of a well-trained government operative. So instead, I sighed and accepted the local newspaper he thrust into my hand. Gave him this slight, dismissive smile as he pointed the camera at me.

But when I got up, I didn't miss the quick look Terry gave me. Someday, this was going to catch up with me. When it did, I wondered if I'd ever be able to find the words that could make him understand what had happened. And convince him that it had not been the real me; that those things had happened to, maybe even were instigated, by someone who made a bad mistake and then compounded it by forgetting it was all part of a larger game.

"So, which one of you had to tie her up last night to keep her with us?" the Chief asked, looking between Terry and Dino, but really aiming that at me. Trying hard to see what buttons still existed that he could push with me. "And was it fun?"

"Does Cecile know what you've done to your son, Kirk?" I asked him, adopting this innocent tone and tossing the newspaper at him when he rounded on me. "Let's see. What's she call him? Oh, that's right. The only good thing that came from your marriage. Right?"

His eyes grew deadly cold and he shook his head, warning me. I'd crossed a line so set in stone I was surprised I had the guts to do it. But I had his attention.

"You wanted me in this game? You've got me. But don't fuck with me any more," I told him, leaning in close as I walked past him. "I'll make you pay if you do."

"Nice to finally have you with us, Lisa," he said, giving me a low chuckle that I knew was hiding his anger at my insolence. "I just knew you were in there somewhere."

While Terry delivered this perverse "proof of life" that was really a "proof of being in Trinidad and waiting to die," I spent an hour with Dino. Helped him get some gear ready and let him give me a refresher course in the weapon of choice I'd likely carry with me, if it came to that. If they ever trusted me to carry a gun while I was on the island. He had this energy level that seemed to jump around just under the surface of his skin.

I'd watch him and see the edge in him. It would leap out at me in the way his fluid movements would sometimes turn into quick jerks. His eyes would one moment peer into me with such intense toughness and then, in other moments, bump off me with rapid-fire precision. And I began to peg him as one of those people with such a fire that it seared from the inside out. But it also left him uncontrollably jittery when he couldn't expend the excess energy that fire sparked in him. There was an inherently dangerous person inside him; he tried to hide it behind a feisty, swaggering countenance that made it easy to underestimate just how deadly he could be when provoked.

We were going through his checklist at one point and I suddenly felt one of his hands touch my arm. I glanced up at him and, seeing the way he was examining me, I stopped to return his look.

"He's nowhere near as tough as he wants you to think he is, Lisa," he said quietly. "What's happening between the two of you... Well, I don't think it's a good idea. Not right now."

I took a deep breath and shifted so I was sitting on the floor instead of kneeling there. "I'm sure none of us think it's wise. But it's happened. We'll deal with it." I looked away and then turned back to him, pinning him with a hard look. "We're all professionals here, aren't we? I think we can do what we need to without it interfering."

"Really? That's what you think?" His blue eyes shifted, turning colder somehow.

"I don't have a choice. I have two people here I've chosen to trust. You and Terry. But, are you telling me not to trust you? Or Terry? Am I on my own? Because, if so, I need to know that, Dino."

He lowered his head, his eyes dropping to the ground. "No. You can trust us. I just want to be sure we can trust you, Lisa. Terry's not... well, he's not exactly in the best position to be objective, is he? But me, I'm looking out for my partner and my best friend. So I've probably got a little different set of standards I'll be measuring you by."

We looked at each other. Our eyes trying hard to read the other. "You can trust me, Dino. But you'll never know everything, so this will just have to be a decision you make on your own. Just don't believe everything Kirk tells you. He's got some reasons to slant my past."

Our eyes unhooked and we finished the checklist. Then we began testing out the communications gear inside the main house and looked up when we heard Terry's voice in the main room, down the hall from the room they'd set aside for the radio gear. When we heard Kirk's voice start questioning Terry, we left what we were doing to go hear their discussion. At the threshold to the room, Dino put a hand on my arm and pulled me to a stop.

"Don't hurt him, Lisa. The man's got a heart that's way too fragile for another woman to take advantage of," he told me, so close to me he was barely speaking above a whisper. "And in case you're wondering, he's not the kind of man to fall in love as easily as he has with you."

I stood stock still as he released my arm and left me. Love? Oh, man. This was a complication I'd been trying to ignore and here it was. Rearing its ugly head. Waiting for someone to chop it off.

Chapter 9

Steel. Hot steel. Cold steel. Eyes of steel. Spine of steel. Sharp as a razor's edge. Quick as a nick of a razor. Steel yourself for bad news. Steel yourself for a punch in the gut.

Steal. Steal time. Steal home. Stealthy as a cat. In the stealth of the night. Steal your heart. Steal a kiss. Steal away, stay away. Thou shalt not steal.

It was a trick I used. Plugging away at word play to keep my mind occupied and uninvolved. So emotions not only didn't show, they didn't get through. That day, I first dropped into it when I shouldn't have. Because I should have paid closer attention.

But I did it because when I came into the large, sunny main room, I met his steely eyes. And I knew something was happening between him and Kirk that involved me but also involved the games men play with each other.

I should never have underestimated Kirk. He picked up on things as if he was psychic.

They were both angry. But in this controlled way men such as they got angry and dealt with it. A flick of Terry's steely eyes my way, an answering lift of Kirk's set chin.

It took too long to see it. Dino picked up on it instantly. While I was delving into distracting word play, he was asking, "What's happened? Problem with the drop?"

Neither of them answered. We'd stopped their discussion in mid-stream. There was someone in the room they obviously didn't want overhearing the continuation of their words. I was guessing it was me. I guessed it as soon as I made the word play stop.

"When did you figure it out?" I asked Terry as I went in and settled into one of the overstuffed armchairs. Heard the Chief push out his breath between pursed lips. "You know, right? That this whole thing has been arranged just to hand me over in exchange for the hostages?"

All three men were standing. Their stiff postures dead on right for the emotions pulsing in them. Kirk trying to figure out how he'd stay in charge of these two men who'd never go along with him now that they were finding out he'd lied to them, because in this business, you didn't lie to your operatives. Terry trying to decide how he'd ever be able to deal with the mirror image betrayals - Kirk betraying him and Terry betraying me. Dino wondering how he'd let himself be taken in and how he'd be getting us all out of it.

Me? I was the only one who was relaxed. I'd long since resigned myself to Kirk. He was a desperate man, using secrets like they were trading cards. Trying to get back the only one of his three children who still loved him. Willing to forego the basics of our trade to do it. Not yet facing the reality that his livelihood was over if I died. It wasn't me who'd take it from him. It was the people who protected me and my people. They had to. Let someone mess with the life of an official like me, and other people started getting bad ideas about coming after others in my world. He'd be lucky if they didn't kill him.

But like I say, I'd underestimated Kirk. And that's never good.

"You said she'd only have to be here. That she'd help us negotiate. That she could string him along until we found out where the men were. You never said you'd use her as bait," Dino said, this quiet tone that was at odds with the stealthy way he stalked closer to Kirk. "We were willing to overlook that, give you the benefit of the doubt that things had changed while we'd been gone. But handing her over physically is not something we'll go along with."

"How exactly did you think she'd string him along?" Kirk replied, eyeing Dino full on by then, his attention to whatever had happened between him and Terry diverted for the time being. "She has to be with him."

I looked up and Terry's eyes were on me, watching and evaluating my response. What had Dino and I just walked in on?

"When were you two going to tell me?" Kirk asked, his voice smooth but his chin still up. In all the years I'd known him, this chin tilt thing he did had been the only physical clue I'd ever gotten to tell he was nervous or angry. He was looking between Terry and me. I plunked the word play string in my brain but it sounded so out of key, I think I winced. "You been fucking her since Jamaica, Thorne, or was last night the first boink?"

He had to have been expecting it. But Terry launched himself at Kirk with such swiftness and such brutality that Kirk couldn't get out of the way. It took Dino and I both to drag him off of Kirk.

Kirk. On the ground. Blood around his nose and a red gash at the corner of his mouth that even then his tongue was snaking out to clean off. His eyes not looking at any of us. Something about the way he was breathing told me Terry had gotten in a better chop that I'd realized at first.

Terry. Almost hunched over. Dino keeping his arms around him, not letting him go until he knew that it was over. And his eyes were looking through me.

Dino. Not sure exactly what was not being said, but aware enough that there were undercurrents. Looking at Kirk and not looking at me.

Me. Fighting off nausea. Controlling myself with a steel I never knew existed. Telling myself it was important to remember who presented the greater danger to me just then. Not Terry. Kirk. Or was it Terry who'd be the bigger danger? Was I no longer on his team?

"What will you do now?" I asked Terry. Because I was pretty sure just then what conversation we'd interrupted and why they stopped it when I came in the room.

"We'll protect you. Like we promised," he answered me; then looking at Kirk. "She's not going near him."

"She'll do what needs to be done. Like always," Kirk said. Still not looking at any of us. "And who knows? She may even enjoy it. Like she did the last time."

"Stop being such a bastard, Kirk," I whispered to him. "Why would you do this to someone who's always been not just loyal to you but helpful? You don't have to destroy me in the process."

I found myself outside and wasn't sure how I'd gotten there. Where to go, where to go? Nowhere to hide, nowhere to run. Playing with words, playing with life. By the time Dino found me, I'd escaped back behind my mask.

"Care to fill in the blanks?" His face barely concealed his concern. He was the one left out, no real understanding of what was at stake and why.

"No. Those blanks will stay," I snapped at him. We were standing behind the cabana, facing toward the western wing of the house. I was shredding a hibiscus leaf into ribbons and chips. "Where is Terry?"

"He sent me to find you. He's calling in to Santiago by radio and figures you should be there. In case Santiago wants to hear your voice."

The absurdity of this. Sarcasm was always my first answer. "Oh boy. What a treat. My main man Carlos and my main squeeze Terry. What a combo."

Dino's hand on my wrist hurt and then he twisted it so I'd really look at him. "What sick thing is happening? Tell me what I need to know, Lisa."

"I never asked him to love me, Dino. But I never thought this would happen, either. I swear to you." My mask was slipping and he was reading my eyes. He saw the pain there and I know it surprised him. "I think Kirk told him something that he should have heard from me. But how could I have ever told him? He's not the kind of man who'd understand mistakes like that."

"You and Carlos were lovers? Is that what this is about?"

"I wish to God it was that simple. Honestly." I closed my eyes and then opened them back up to look into Dino. To see if he'd tell me the simple truth. "How does a man fall in love overnight? Wasn't it just about passion?"

"He fell for you much earlier than yesterday, Lisa. I watched it happen in Jamaica and when we left, I really thought he'd find you. When he didn't, I figured he was scared. He's been involved with only one other woman in the last year and he's still running from that," Dino told me. "It might be happening faster than either of you expected, but once it happens for him, it consumes him. If there's something he needs to know in order to deal with Santiago, you need to tell him. Not just for whatever's going on between the two of you. But to protect him from Santiago using it against him. He cannot be vulnerable going in there to negotiate with him."

"But we do both know you were exaggerating, right? It's not love. Dino. Come on. It can't be."

"Go tell him what he needs to know. Now." His voice and his eyes. They were like ice.

Inside the house. Quiet as a mouse. Feeling like a louse. Still playing, always working. Find the angle, shoot the rapids, run the table. It was a game after all. It was work. I'd forgotten more rules than some people ever learn.

Closing the door and watching his shoulders tense as he felt my presence. "Terry."

He didn't turn, just kept fiddling with switches and ignoring me.

"We need to talk." I crossed the room to where he stood.

"Let's wait on that a while. I need... I'll be calling Santiago in about ten minutes. Will you feel up to speaking with him?" He looked in my direction, his face set so hard and his eyes wandered away from mine. "We need you to buy us time. That's all. See what you can stretch out of him."

"No." Now, finally his eyes snapped to mine. A cold fire smoldering in them. "Not until you let me explain."

"It's why Kirk always used you on these things, isn't it? To seduce them? To fuck them?" He was trying purposely to wound me. "So did you fall in love with Santiago or was it just that this was the first man who'd play the kind of sex game you wanted to play?"

I slapped him so hard the imprint of my hand stayed on his face for almost thirty minutes. But he barely flinched.

"Carlos Santiago might be a sick bastard but at least he never looked at me like you are," I told him, using this cold voice that was empty of the pain I was feeling. "I don't know what Kirk told you, but what happened was horrible for me. And the knowledge that my lover doesn't understand that I'm not the kind of woman to enjoy what happened is so hard to take."

"You stayed with him for a month, Lisa. A month. How do you fake it for a month?" His eyes narrowed and he took a half step toward me.

"Because another agent would have died if I'd left. The entire operation would have crashed and there might have been other people killed in moving everyone off the island that quickly."

Facing off with him. Daring him not to believe me. Daring him not to trust me. Daring him to let me be on my own again. Shifting alliances and switching sides. Me against all of them. It would have been cleaner that way.

He moved up to me, his hand cupping around my jaw, his thumb grazing my lips. Watching me, touching me, trying to read me. "You had the chance to kill him before you left. Kirk told me he watched you. That you couldn't do it because you'd fallen in love with him. Even after what he'd done."

For sure, he saw the sparks that fired from my eyes at that. I saw the recognition in his face of what it was like to feel that type of anger and be trying so hard to control it that it just flew from the one part of you you'd find hardest to control. "That's Kirk's own twisted take on what happened. I never loved Carlos. I was repulsed by what he made me do, by the things... If I'd shot him, it would have been cold-blooded murder. It was that simple to me and it took every shred of decency I had in my body not to pull the trigger. He was already unconscious and immobilized. But he wasn't a threat to my escape and I wasn't there to kill him."

"Why does he scare you so much? Why aren't you looking for revenge instead? I mean, Lisa, if what you're saying is true, then revenge is..."

No matter how hard I struggled, I couldn't keep the tears in any longer. I felt them slide down along the edge of my nose and then drop uselessly between us. "I've never been able to do anything but be scared of him. I know Kirk believes it was consensual, that I went along because... because I'd done that in the past. When I felt like I could. But this... This wasn't that way. And it started with him... and then somehow it turned. Because he's a sick bastard. It's why Kirk's so fascinated. He knows there's a part of Carlos that wants me to be the dominant. But there's just so much more of him that wants to force me into the submissive. Do you have any idea what that kind of sex is like? It's... He's not normal. He takes it to this level that you cannot even imagine."

His hand was still on my face. His eyes were still peering deep into mine. His breathing seemed normal. But there was a shift in him. He was trying to rationally assess this new information, this new slant and place it into context with what Kirk had told him and what he'd inferred from knowing me. Trying to pick through all the conflicting data and emotions to decide if he could trust me. And he was trying to do this in seconds flat, something that would have taken another man an entire lifetime. But we were rapidly running out of time before he'd need to be emotionally removed from this.

"Please, please try to believe me," I whispered to him, closing my eyes. "Because if and when I talk to Carlos, you will never make it if you don't believe that I'm faking it. Because I have to become someone you don't know, just to be able to deal with him. I don't want this to hurt you like I'm afraid it will."

His lips dropped softly on mine and we kissed with such tenderness. He would be with me in this, that's what this kiss told me. Then his arms came softly over my back, drawing me to him gently and possessively. "We'll both be strong. If you get scared, just reach for me and I'll be there, Lisa."

Defeat. Victory. Snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. In defeat, unbeatable; in victory, unbearable. Defeat the enemy. Defeat the odds. A smart man never suffers certain defeat. A man can be destroyed but not defeated.

Struggling to devote only enough of my brains, instinct and memories that I absolutely must to the interchange with Carlos Santiago. Involving every other part of me in the word play. Listening with that part of me that truly did not care. Feeling the coldness of steel. Ready to cut with the sharpness of a diamond.

Santiago's voice came sneaking from the speaker of the communications gear. Terry dropped all pretense of lover and became a killer. Cold. I shivered just to see his face and his eyes.

I wondered about Dino. There with us, but what did he see? What did he hear? It would have been interesting to get his take. He knew this man with me, this man he felt loved me, in a way I doubted any others did. What could he read in him?

And I also wondered about the Chief. Not there with us in body, but invading us in spirit. He was off with his men, sneaking around and trying to use the gift of time I'd be purchasing for him. Trying to find his son and the other two mercenaries before Carlos got tired of the game.

The part of me that was listening to the conversations in this room took new note of Terry's skills, patience and poise. I tried to just watch him from the distance but there was just something about it. It reminded me of falling for him in Jamaica. The way I trusted in his abilities from the beginning.

And at just that particular moment, when there was this pinprick of a hole in the shield I'd built, the voice in the speaker addressed me directly. And I felt the pinprick widen before I reached out and snatched the edges together to glue them firmly into a mended shield. But Terry saw its flash. His eyes were too good.

"My love." The mocking voice of Carlos Santiago. What Terry caught was the briefest, mildest of a wince on my face. "You have come back to me."

"And what will you do to keep me here?" I responded quickly, avoiding the eyes of the men in the room with me. This was how it was between me and Carlos. Mind games first. It was his style of foreplay and I'd lost the battle those years ago when I had started believing I was better at it than him. I knew better now. I'd be more cautious than to get arrogant this time.

I looked at the floor as he laughed, this delighted cackle because until that moment he'd not really believed I was out of hiding and, oh, how much he loved playing with me. "Come to me, my love. I am waiting for you."

"Really? All reports to the contrary, my sweet?" Sharp voice to get his attention.

"Oh, no. You have been talking to your friends again. You know they only lie because they are jealous." He tried to sound as if I'd wounded him.

"I think you've replaced me. That's what I think."

"There is never a replacement for you," he said, his voice suddenly the husky dog he really was. "I have waited so long for you. You will be so pleased with the arrangements I have made for you."

"My sweet, I've heard all about the arrangements. They involve three of our men, do they not?"

"You will have to come see me for the answers to what you really want." I heard muffled noises suddenly in the speaker and it sounded like he was covering the microphone.

"So soon and you've lost control already, my sweet?" My voice was soft and taunting.

We waited. Soon his voice was back with us. "May I call you by your real name or shall I continue to call you the name you used when you gave yourself to me?"

Swallowed hard. Involuntary reaction I'd have to beat out of myself if I was ever to deal with him face-to-face. Getting into the groove with him, ready with the hard voice that I knew he would react to then. "Call me what the fuck you want, Carlos. You know I never enjoyed it anyway. It was just a job to me."

It snapped into him as I expected. Part of our mind game. He loved abuse but it had to be done the right way. And there was always, always a price he would exact for such defiance. It's what rocked his world. "You have always been such a puta. It made your submission that much sweeter."

"Really, Carlos? Submission? So you've changed over these years. Or have you not found anyone who can make you feel like the child you are?" And then, this teasing, laughing quality to my voice that would increase the sting. "No man would have let me do the things you so loved. I wonder how your friends in Colombia would feel if they knew what I do about you?"

This strangled howl came piercing out of the speakers. I looked up at its suddenness. Hadn't really expected it to happen so quickly. He must have been beside himself waiting to speak to me. Terry and Dino were both looking at me like I'd just committed the most horrible murder. I smiled reassuringly at them, mouthing, 'It's okay.'

"My job is done. Did you enjoy that, my sweet?" I said, hearing Carlos mumbling and my voice was hard as glass. "Now go clean yourself up, Carlos. We'll talk when you've named your price for the men."

"You bitch." He was so surprised. He always was; and, yet he always needed that from me. "Thorne. Are you still there?"

"I'm here, Santiago. Are we still friends?"

"Bring her to me tonight and the men will live another day."

Before Terry could respond, in this soft, gentle voice, I said, "That's no fun, my sweet. If you've brought me this far to play this game with you, at least play it well. I'm not coming to you tonight. I may never come to you again. But if you truly want me, you have to give something up. I want you to think about that tonight when you have my replacement play your games with you. If, and it's by no means certain, if I speak with you again, I expect you to be ready to negotiate. We'll trade, but not yet. Because I know your mind better than you do. Keep those men safe, Carlos."

I looked at Terry and gave him a sign to kill the transmission. He hesitated a fraction of a second and then cut it off just as we heard Carlos about to reply.

"Now that's a sick puppy," Dino said. I looked up at him, baffled by his response. The look on his face was a mixture of amusement, shock and respect. "He's never sounded like that before with us. And you, Lisa, are always a surprise."

He started laughing and for some reason, probably the release of tension or the new tension in the room, I found myself laughing with him for the briefest second.

"Good job, Lisa. You bought us another day." Terry Thorne. Man of action. Not able to meet my eyes just yet with anything but his professional persona.

No reply necessary. No reply coming. No voice. No choice. No way out. No news is good news. No. No. No.

I did an internal headshake to stop the word game. Come back to me, little Sheba, I was telling my sweet belief that a quick death would be okay. Because this dying by degrees crap, it hurt in ways most cruel.

Almost out the door but Terry's unnaturally calm voice beckoned me to return to him. I stood waiting as Dino got with it and left us alone, pulling the heavy door softly closed behind him.

"Are you alright?" His voice brought me into the day with clear focus and I looked to him with sharp eyes.

Gave him one of my patented half-smiles. Shrugged. "Sure. Facing my nightmares is such a blast."

Heard him chuckle just so softly. "Will you trust me just enough to confide in me when you need some support from me?"

Looked up and his eyes were that warm green of coral reefs viewed from the air. Tried not to cry as I said, "I need support from you."

I walked slowly to him and his arms opened to pull me into his strong embrace. Breathing in his scent and his essence, I stood locked in pure escapism. I wanted more. I wanted to know he'd still want me even after getting just a white bread inkling of the things I could do when a team member's life was on the line. Don't we all wonder sometimes what we're capable of? Come join the life I led, the life Terry was leading even then. And you'll find out. You'll be shocked by what you'll learn about yourself.

You'll also be shocked by what you will and won't forgive of yourself. 

His lips on my temple made me cry. He gave me permission to be the woman he had made love to. To escape, to dream, to hope.

"I am going to get us all killed at this rate," I whispered into his chest and felt his arms gather me in tighter. "You guys better find those men before I have to talk to that sick fucker again."

"You can do this, babe. I know you can. Your voice, your mannerisms, everything changed when you were talking to him. You were a different person," he answered.

When he felt me shaking, he picked me up and carried me to the couch. I buried my face into the fabric of his shirt, feeling the fluid power of his chest muscles as his arms flexed to hug me tighter to him. We sat this way forever, with his chin tucked in over my head. Gently, ever so slightly, rocking side to side. It was a momentary vision of what it would be like to have someone to count on.

And it was ridiculous of me to forget that I couldn't have it both ways. I couldn't both be fighting for my life and be thinking sex with this man was a reason to give up that fight. I needed to remember my priorities hadn't really changed just because I'd taken comfort from him the night before.

When I tried to move away from him, he held on. "It's okay. I'm here," he whispered to me in a voice that I felt ooze through me. "Let me hold you."

The afternoon rainstorm, promised by the jewel of the morning, had begun to lash against the window in earnest. In the quiet of this huge house, we sat and listened as the heavy rain outside cleaned the air. It lulled my senses, calmed my nerves and reminded me of the dirt that clung to my soul.

Unbeknownst to us at the time, there were things happening elsewhere on this big island that were going to be making such a difference in how this played out. My old chief, Kirk, and his men were doing recon work on the main compound Carlos used and on two secondary sites near the docks that Kirk had identified as ideal locations to hold the men. One of Dino's local contacts was in a race with time to get him information that would help them. And Carlos, no slouch in revenge, was plotting a way to pry me away from the compound where I was being sheltered.

And somewhere in Washington, people in a big conference room were deep into a coordinated search for me.  Whether they would have the chance to get me out or not was so uncertain that afternoon. But they were getting more worried because while they hadn't traced my cell's signal to its exact spot, they knew I was somewhere in the south Caribbean and that I was in real danger.

Perhaps most importantly, in Colombia, a shipment of cocaine was starting its run to the States and its first transshipment point was Trinidad. And there was an active DEA operation that was tracking that shipment right into a situation they were least expecting.

But all we two really knew just then was that the rain outside held us captive and gave us soft lighting in the room we found ourselves in. And Terry and I chose to spend that time together, knowing we were both ignoring the need for me to tell him details of what had actually happened between me and Santiago.

"We're all alone here," he whispered to me. I closed my eyes and hoped. This man did things to me I'd never felt before. There was a connection. Something indefinable.

He took my face with his hands. Fingers resting on my jaw, thumbs stroking my cheeks. His eyes watching me. I leaned toward him and he met me part way, his lips glancing against mine twice before they finally settled softly on my mouth. As the kiss hardened, my mouth opened willingly to his tongue. His hands dropped, one holding me against him while the other began to caress my breast. I moaned softly into his mouth just as he lowered my back to the couch and then he was lying with me mostly under him.

Such a warm body. Such a solid body. The feel of him was, as always, simply arousing.

This, I said to myself, will probably be the last time you can have this man. "Terry," I said to him, "Please make love with me."

He was watching me intently. I swear he knew something was up. But he must have finally decided this almost desperate tone in my voice had only to do with Carlos. "We'll get through this, Lisa," he whispered to me.

I shut my eyes so he couldn't read my thoughts. He didn't need to know what I was really thinking. He didn't need to know I was planning something he'd surely find hard to forgive. But it was also something I knew he'd understand eventually because it was a move I knew he'd make if he were in my shoes.

When we made love there, on that soft leather couch, I gave myself to him with such tenderness and sincerity. I hoped it would be something he'd understand later, that it was done to make him remember the promise I held for him.

His hands were so warm. His mouth was almost too hot. It seemed to burn into me. We didn't really undress; after all, this was only an opportunity for swift sex because we were together in a location that invited discovery. We were so quiet, for exactly the same reason.

"Oh, Love. You are so wet. So hot," he groaned softly into my ear as he entered me. My answer was a soft smile into his face, set with concentration.

We moved against each other carefully, watching the other's reaction and shifting rhythms to extend this as long as possible. I could feel my body starting to rev up and welcomed the delight of that feeling. I pulled his face to mine as I felt the first contractions of my impending orgasm coming because it wasn't enough to be connected to him in only one place. My tongue reached into his mouth and I felt him smile into me as he could feel the muscles of my vagina begin convulsing around his shaft.

He took over the kiss when my mind began having too much fun enjoying the strength and depth of the climax. I felt like I came forever and that I'd love to come for so much longer. But eventually, I did come down from that high.

"You do such marvelous things to me," I whispered to him when I could speak again. He kissed me hard and I realized he was nearing his own coming. "Oh, yes. Come for me, baby."

I loved seeing his face when he came. He was always so wrapped up in the experience and it made me feel almost powerful to see how much he lost himself in this.

We stayed together in this warm afterglow for at least a half hour. Listening as rain pelted the room's broad window. Shifting in and out of awareness. Finally hearing noises in the house that reminded us of where we really were. By unspoken if mutual agreement, we moved away from each other and pulled our clothes into order.

By the time Kirk came striding loudly down the hall, calling out for Terry, we were apart. I was standing at the window, facing the angriness of the afternoon's storm, and Terry was at a desk almost on the other side of the room, reading a map of the island and making notes.

Kirk looked between us. Then smiled. "Hear you bought us another day. I knew I could count on you, Lisa. Lovely Lisa. The one woman I've ever worked with who had more balls than most men."

I never even flinched. Just turned back to look outside.

"We think we know where they are. We'll go out tonight to start the real recon work. Want to come along?" Kirk said into the room.

When I didn't hear Terry answer, I turned to look. Kirk was looking straight at me. I laughed. "You must be joking," I said as I walked out of the room.