DINO

On nights like this it's like there's nothing between me and heaven. I smile at myself as I pad out on the deck with a glass of Scotch and lie back on the lounger to stare at the sky. It is clear and cold but I like the bite of the wind. It makes me feel more intensely. There is a oneness here, high above habitation, that makes the world seem to slip away and cease to exist. I need this commune with my inner self, this peace, this time to play out the crazy rhythms of my life and tell her how I am. She's somewhere out there and she still cares. She must do - I feel her presence even in the touch of the breeze.

The strains of an impassioned voice reach my ears from the sound system. Tosca. She always played this when we were alone and lying wrapped up together looking out at the night. I cannot hear it without the whisper of her playing in my consciousness. It isn't often that I indulge myself in recall but those times when I do are precious to me. I am over the worst but I will never let go of the memory. It still makes me happy.

So I lay and dreamed and luxuriated in the thought of the next couple of days' hiatus. I had done a stint down in La Paz, a flying visit to the New York office and then a hard graft down in San Fran chairing a conference and picking up some valuable potential clients. It felt like weeks since I had taken a night off; it was weeks since I had.

My phone rang. I swore and considered leaving it but habit made me check the display. I grinned.

 

"You already out of your depth, friend? You must have been gone all of two hours."

"Hey- I have an investment to protect...worried about my money while I am working my ass off. How'd it go?"

"Sweet as a young girl's cherry, man...you have to ask?"

"So you did it. It wasn't exactly rocket science."

"You're only jealous. I know how you love schmoozing."

"Fuck you. Listen, mate, I'm out of range when we leave here...this place is the fucking pits...how come you always get the sweet ones?"

"Man, you cried like a girl till I gave you something - so stop faking it. You like nothing better than yomping around knee deep in shit and tsetse flies, so change the fucking record."

"I'm too old for this... I'll check in every coupla days on the Immarsat if it's fucking working- which is hoping for a lot once I get over the river....Curry's got hold of a single- engine- Christ, I've seen Airfix kits with more glue on them than this. It's a good job he can fly by the seat of his fucking pants...he's used to rust buckets, I am not..."

"Do you ever stop moaning? What happened to Captain 'Drop me in the middle of the Arctic with a rubber band and a kitchen knife and I can build an igloo and catch a polar bear...no problem, mate'?"

"I was younger then. And I had less money. What the fuck am I doing here when I could be tucked up with a classy bird back home having my ego stroked? Remind me."

"You are having fun. Play time for Terry. And I know you love it- I can hear the excitement in your voice. You're like a kid with a free pass to a toy store. Enjoy and stop worrying- everything's under control at the shop. Just go earn your vastly hiked up fee."

"Job's in the bag, mate. Uncle Terry's in town. Give Uma a call now and then, hey?"

"She alone?"

"No...Cort's on his way. But he's only there a couple of days...just check on her now and again, will ya...you know what's she's like..."

"It's already done, man...don't worry about a thing...now go and be a good boy and give us all a break. And let me enjoy this fine malt..."

 

He swore colourfully and hung up, I was still laughing when I threw the phone back onto a chair. He was looking forward to this but ...he was missing her already. Who could blame him? He had it all now and, man, he'd waited a long time for that to come. No one knows better than me how precious that is and just how dangerous it is to waste any moment granted.

I stood by the balcony door and gazed up at the starlit sky. "Night, honey," and took myself off to bed.

 

 

CORT

It was eleven months since Uma and I had spent time alone together. Even then it hadn't really been time alone- we'd been toting others round with us then and the whole visit had been hardly what you would have called smooth sailing. Uma had been reeling from her breakup with Terry, things had been uneasy between me and Isobel, Darcy and I were just beginning to grow close. It was a time of change. When I look back now, I wonder whether it was ever quite the same for any of us again.

Uma and I did what we could for each other that trip but I guess in the end we'd simply made it worse. The visit had been abruptly cut short and we parted with neither of us expecting much from the other for a while. Our lives were becoming too complicated for friendship.

Since then we've been in each other's company many times but there has always been a distance. I've never quite worked out what I did but Uma seemed to stop trusting me; she certainly stopped mailing and chatting. No more confidences and long talks far into the night. I put it down to her obsession for Terry. Let's face it, when they got back to each other she never took her eyes off him when we were all together. She cut Maximus right out of her life, tossed Will off her list and generally played a very different game than before. It was like she had found something right in front of her that she'd been looking for all her life and everything else paled into insignificance.

That cruise. They were both so wrapped up in each other that I don't think they knew we were there half of the time. I loved to watch them at the time and thanked the Lord they had put their differences behind them and found peace at last. For both of them needed that in their lives - and who better to give it to each other than the wild butterfly and the strong silent soldier?

I know the events of her kidnap and the subsequent events messed with her head; she was bad with her nerves for a long time and fragile and broken. We all knew that and kept our distance because she asked us to give her space. Lachlan did his bit and helped her onto her feet again but she was guarded and less effervescent when we saw her next. Uma had gone and done a lot of growing up that spring and summer.

You could see it at the Temple -or rather during that week we Numbers Ones spent biting our fingers to the knuckle without our women. The men were all like cats on a hot tin roof but Terry was something else. He was deep into himself and morose; there was an element in him that disturbed me. For the first time I wondered what would happen if he ever got a problem that he wasn't able to handle with his rational mind? And wouldn't she be the very problem that he didn't have the mechanisms to solve?

She was different then, too, and I have noticed this about her ever since. Uma is no longer running to hide from herself. Now she's hiding from everyone else. But I see a calm new certainty in her eyes. At her home in December she seemed both younger and older. Physically delicate and wide-eyed like a younger woman but emotionally secure and strong inside. I had had to sit out that night what with my plaster cast and all so I had time to observe a lot of things and I realized how long it had been since I turned my gaze on the hearts of my Brothers and Sisters. I have spent so much time on my own life and loves this year and missed a lot of things.

Uma and Terry had been acting out an elaborate script that night and were word perfect. They moved through it all with grace and good humour, were warm and witty, charming and hospitable but I saw the glances they exchanged, the tilt of his chin as if to check on her, the little nod and the shy smile she returned. I had wondered then whether she was all right. For one moment I wondered if she was sick; her weight loss was noticeable and she was paler than ever. But it slipped my mind and I moved on to other things. I've never thought of it again until now.

Uma had looked much better at New Year- the weight definitely back -she even looked a little more healthy than I ever remembered her being. Both Terry and she had looked happy and spent most of the evening together -but then it was New Year's and we all stayed close to our partners on that special night. She had a crazy dress on, I remembered that, and it seemed that she was back to her old hurricane ways again.

Right out of the blue in January she had asked me for a visit - and I must say I was surprised. I hadn't expected it; there had been no warning or hint that she was thinking about me again. Her mail was warm and had the usual little hidden innuendos that she likes so much- 'spiritual cleansing, bring my oil', calling herself Jezebel...I had smiled, felt flattered and been delighted to accept the invitation.

So here I was deplaning in London and all fired up to see her again. She wasn't meeting me at the airport. My plane was arriving at ten at night and I had received a rather odd mail from Terry that suggested I take a cab.

 

 

I know she's a little scary behind the wheel but that seemed a might over-cautious even for him. But I arranged it with her and she said she would wait for me at home.

I like London. It's...well, it's very British...Not the Britain that you see in US, not all about the Queen and stiff upper lip and all that old stuff but the modern place- edgy, dirty and vibrant. Just has its own feel. Riding the tube, I enjoyed the hustle and bustle of late night commuting before coming out into the leafy 'burbs of Hampstead. St John's Wood. Millionaires Row, UK style. Understated and suburban. Just doesn't have the excess and splendour of the American equivalent. They don't even have a decent taxi service.

I stood outside the imposing gateway of their home. It's a discreet place with a feeling of wealth without ostentation. I noticed something odd. No lights. It's the kind of home that is always lit- gate lights, garage lights, house lights, porch lights, alarm, security lights- Terry Thorne takes no chances on his private space. The electric gate was open- which struck me as very odd for a woman alone. Uma is no fool- she has reason enough to know how Terry's career could leave her exposed - and even waiting for me, I can't see her negligent of safety. But there was an open gate, no light, and the alarm appeared to be switched off. I waited until the taxi disappeared and then walked up the driveway. There were no cars- probably in the garage I thought- so I went to the door. I pressed the bell and heard it ring within. No response. No lights flicked on. No patter of feet. No shriek of delight. Nothing. I rang again. Maybe she'd fallen asleep? It was after eleven. It was possible. Again, no response.

I pulled out my phone, already beginning to feel the cold- it was a wet blustery night, with the hint of ice in the air. I punched in the house number, heard it ring for a long time unanswered and then re-dialled her cell. That was odd. A pompous British voice said: "This number is not in service". Maybe that is what they say when you switch a phone off over here? I scratched my head. What was going on? I get here and she's out?

Uma's a bit of a scatterbrain but I had spoken to her only yesterday...had we miscommunicated? Got the date wrong? Had she been called out unavoidably? There were a million potential reasons but an air of uneasiness bothered me. I checked the garage- no cars there. What did that mean? She was out- his car could be at the airport. One car could be in for repair. Could mean something. Could mean nothing.

"OK, man...what you gonna do? Sit here and freeze your butt off and find she's forgotten and gone someplace else? Maybe a friend got sick- her parents? She couldn't get me a message - you have to switch off your phones on transatlantic flights and keep them off. Why no SMS? Because she's Uma and you know what that means. Might have left a message with Isobel..."

I thought it over, pulled out a bit of paper and a pen and scribbled a note.

 

 

I pushed it through the letterbox and hiked the mile or so to the hotel. The people on reception looked a little strangely at me checking in so late but accepted me anyway. I smiled at the girl behind the desk- I remembered her from my stay in December. Mustn't have made much of an impression. She gave me a cold stare as if I was a complete stranger. Guess that's the British for you. They're pretty cold fish.

Up in my room, I threw down my carry-on and breathed a sigh of relief to warm up and get my boots off. Helping myself to a whisky from the bar, I called Iz, figuring that it would be about late afternoon at home.

She had no idea where Uma might be when I explained what was going down. At first she was annoyed that I had been left abandoned but as she thought about it, I could hear the telltale note of concern in her voice and wished I hadn't worried her for what was probably no reason. I tried to sound easy about it:

 

"Hey...we don't know...she might have a good reason...in fact, I know she's got a good reason. Just don't know yet what it is... She'll be fine. I shouldn't have worried you, darlin'. Give me a call if she gets in touch. I'm going to get some shuteye and then I'll figure this out Tomorrow. Don't get all in a state. You know Uma..."

 

We talked for a while more until I knew she was at ease and then I told her I loved her and hung up. But I was still unsure. I called Terry but got nothing but a strange noise- the Lord knows where he is. Trying to put aside my concerns I took a warm shower and went to bed. I must have slept as soon as my head touched the pillow.

I woke later than usual- the murky light through the window had not alerted me to the fact that the hour was late. It was after nine. I shaved and dressed, called the house, got no answer, called Reception - there were no messages - and went down to breakfast. I ate heartily- hey, that's the only decent meal they do over here!- and then I sat and worked out my options. Didn't really have many.

I walked back to the house, not really hopeful, stood and surveyed it in the light of day. Wandering around, I tried doors and windows but they were all firmly locked- Terry takes no chances at all and there is hardly a weak link in the chain here. I ran my hands through my hair and shook my head.

"Can I help you? Terry?" A voice called from the gateway. I turned and saw a pretty young woman wheeling a baby pushchair with a little fella toddling by her.

"I thought you were the house owner...I'm sorry...you look a bit like him..." 

I smiled. "Terry Thorne? He's a relative. Could say I'm an American cousin... name o' Cort..."

"That explains it. Now I look you're not that alike- just the general impression..." She held out her hand and shook mine. "My name's Emma Dufresne...I live across the road...Terry's away I think...he left yesterday morning early, I saw him go."

"I wasn't expecting Terry. I'm here to see Uma."

"Uma? I'm afraid I don't know any Uma..." Mrs. Dufresne replied.

I was surprised. "Uma? Tink? You know....his girlfriend...partner..." I began.

"Terry Thorne? Partner? I have seen him occasionally with women but no one permanent. He seems to be a bit of a loner. Always felt a bit sorry for him rattling around in that large house alone. I wonder what he bought it for really..."

I couldn't speak. There was a cold prickle forming at the back of my neck as if some creature of the night had crossed my path. I resisted the urge to cross myself.

"There must be some mistake...I mean...I've visited this house before...on Terry's birthday party in December..."

Emma Dufresne stared at me. "I beg your pardon? What birthday party? I don't know what you're playing at but I think you'd better go." She turned and wheeled her baby quickly down the path, the little boy following behind.

"Ma'am...please, what do you mean?"

She looked back, her face now set with suspicion. "Terry Thorne has a dangerous profession and he has warned us not to tangle with anyone who looks out of place. I'm calling the police if you don't go. He spent his 40th birthday in our house. We had invited him to dinner and he mentioned in the course of the evening that it was his birthday. I thought it was kind of sad that he was alone on that night..."

Lord Almighty- you could have knocked me over with a feather. My mouth fell open as I watched her hurry off. This was something else. Something so weird that I couldn't fathom what was going on.

I walked away- not wishing to find the law on my tail - wandering aimlessly around the area, deep in thought until I found myself a few streets away on a leafy side road. There was a beautiful parish church set in its own grounds. Where else would I go when I was left in a state like this?

According to the sign board, it was a High Anglican Church called 'St. Michael and All Angels' and I kind of thought that was the help I sure needed now. Taking myself inside, I blessed myself with holy water and genuflected on both knees, a habit from my days as a pastor. It was silent in the small stone church and very cold. The building looked real old - it must have been here for hundreds of years, maybe even since the area was still only meadows and a few scattered homesteads. I stared up at the silent majesty of age and examined the ancient stained glass and religious art. That's the thing about being Christian. No matter where you are, you can feel at home- the building and the language may differ but the images are eternal. I closed my eyes and prayed.

What did I pray for? I don't rightly know. It was a feeling that something real bad had happened, something not of this world. How to explain that? What made me so spooked? That young mother didn't know Uma- there might be some logical explanation. Maybe Uma and she didn't get on, who knows with women? She could be a bit delusional, on medication. What had she been watching the house for anyway? That must be it. She was just an unreliable witness. I should pay no mind to her. The Good Lord had already set my mind at rest- I thanked him for the power of prayer and the touch of his hand on my worried heart.

I asked him for guidance. What could I do? I couldn't leave without finding Uma - that  much was clear. But I didn't know where to look. I couldn't call her parents - I wouldn't want to alarm them. If I spoke to any of the Sisters, I would have them worried sick and there was no point in that- what could they do anyway to help? And it would probably all have a sensible explanation...I couldn't get hold of Terry...Dino. Yeah, man ... Dino ...why didn't I think of that last night?

I pulled my phone out of my jacket and looked for his number. A hand tapped my shoulder.

"Young man? I hope you don't intend to use that infernal contraption in here? This is a house of worship, not a talking shop. Can you young men not live without the curse of the phone these days?" An old lady berated me, her arms full of flowers, and I winced. She was right. I hated people who had no respect for a church- it showed my state of mind that I could have forgotten myself in this way.

"My 'pologies, Ma'am. I don't know what I was thinking..." And I stood up, bowed to the altar and took myself outside. Sitting on a wooden bench, in a little patch called the Easter garden planted with spring flowers, I called Dino O'Leary.

 

"O'Leary."

"It's me, Cort."

"Cort? To what do I owe this pleasure..."

I paused. How exactly did I phrase this?

"Dino...I'm in London..."

"Yeah...sure with Uma, I remember Terry saying..."

"No...that's just it...I'm in London but...man, I can't find Uma...I don't know what to do."

 

There was a silence. I thought I hear a repressed groan. 

 

"Just run this by me again, Cort. Fill me in."

I told him all, he listened without comment.

"What do you make of it? Is there anywhere you know she could be? Am I missing something?"

A pause and then: "How much do you know, Cort?"

"Know? 'Bout what?"

"About Uma. How much do you know?" 

It was an odd question. How much did I know?

"Man...I don't follow you. Is there something I should know?"

He cleared his throat and I knew he was weighing up the options. I didn't feel any easier.

"Cort- you checked the local hospitals?"

"What? You think she's...man, you're scaring me...is she sick or somethin'?"

I heard him whisper, "Oh Christ!" and then he told me. I thought I was hearing things.

"You need to check the hospitals, Cort. Uma's pregnant...there could be a complication...Jesus, she still has three months to go..."

"Pregnant...you said pregnant...what you talking about? She can't be...she wouldn't do that to Terry..."

"He's the father. Don't ask me to explain - I'm only telling you this because I've no choice...it isn't really my secret to tell...you just find her...and make sure she's ok...if Terry finds out she was alone...Oh my God, if she loses this baby..."

 

I dropped the phone and stared into the distance, unable to comprehend his words. Uma was having a baby fathered by Terry? They had kept this secret for six months? That means...at his birthday...at New Year's...why hadn't they said? Who had known apart from Dino...why had she asked for me...?

 

 

This was not a sexual innuendo as I had thought.  Uma meant she was going to confide in me. She was asking me to baptise her child and church her...the old practice of cleansing a newly delivered mother that was just the sort of archaic custom  that Uma would know about and find curiously appropriate. My Lord...I had missed every clue. I put the phone back to my ear.

 

"You still there, Cort?"

"Sorry...man... I can't deal with this...why didn't they tell us? Why keep it a secret so long?"

"They had their reasons... if it's any consolation I told Terry and Uma it was a mistake- but it was their choice and you can't shake either of them when their mind's made up."

"I hear you. Let me look into this...just pray God that you're wrong. I don't want to be the one to have tell Terry."

"Amen to that, brother. Keep me posted."

 

My heart was heavier still when I returned to that Church and knelt down at the back before a tiny side altar. I prayed for Uma and her unborn child. I prayed for Terry that this burden would pass him by. I prayed for the Sisters that they would receive this news with compassion. I don't know why the two of them hadn't told us but I reckoned there was a reason and it must make sense to them.

There were three hospitals in the area- two public and one private- but no sign of her at any of these. Then I began trawling all the hospitals in the London area- there are 40 all told - and struck a blank at all. I didn't know whether to be relieved or even more worried. Finally I called in at the local police station and made a report. The bored desk sergeant seemed to think I was overreacting. So I make a date with a woman and she stands me up? She's pregnant. Are you the father? No, but... He took the details, checked the computer and said nothing likely on the files. I walked out of there no better than when I had walked in.

I called Dino back and gave him the news. He said it was good news; I reminded him she was still missing. I had called the house at intervals throughout the day. He thought a while and said leave it with him; he would call me back. I sat in my room and waited.

 

 

DINO

Worse day of my life in a long, long time. Following the first call that had woken me in the middle of the night, I had sat in my home and waited for him to call me back. I had to tell Cort the truth but it felt like betrayal - even if I knew he should have known already.  I sat by the window and looked out at the mountains, my thoughts dark and stormy as the clouds forming that spelt rain. If anything happened to that woman, it would kill him. If they lost the child- it would break both of them. This nightmare could not be happening. Not now. Not to him. Not to her.

I sank my head in my hands and waited. I know the pain of loss. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. My best friend. Christ, I would move the earth if I could spare him this. The hours ticked around quietly. I brewed a pot of coffee and saw the dawn; I sat and remembered.

It was a long wait. Midmorning Cort got back to me. No news -bad or otherwise. She wasn't in the hospital. The police had no reports that were suspicious. I breathed for a moment but knew we were still far from being secure. What could this be? Something connected to Terry? Something completely random? Something malevolent? Something completely innocent? I told Cort I was going to try something. He was to wait. Find a computer and get online; I would IM him when I was ready.

I switched on and accessed Yahoo. "Uma...I wouldn't do this if I didn't have to. Baby, I wouldn't do that to you, you know that. This is for you and the baby and Terry..." I bypassed her password and got into her account. There was nothing suspicious. I sat and thought and then I moved on YIM. Message archive. Bingo. What I saw there made my blood run cold.

I copied and saved- attached it to Cort's address. Then I got on IM.

 

 

I logged off and picked up the transcript of the IM. It was beyond belief but it had to be true. I went over it one more time.

 

I had to get to Terry. I had to tell him. Tell him what? The very idea of what it might do to him scared me. He's a strong man- the strongest I've ever known. But somehow I knew that this was a step too far even for him. I wasn't sure he could take the final blow. You can knock a man down and he gets up over and over but there has to be a final blow that lays him down permanently. The knockout.

I didn't want to be the one to have to tell him. But no one else but me was going to do that either.

 

 

CORT

I'm not sure how long I sat staring at the screen in the hotel business suite, long after Dino had signed off. I clutched the printouts of the IM in my hand, read and re-read them, searched for another logical meaning to the message they carried. But I couldn't see anything but the one truth. Something out there- something we had nurtured and cared for- had been playing us all along. Even Isobel. We'd been unaware of the malevolence of what we were embracing. At its core was evil- or so it seemed to me at that moment. I sank into prayer that the Lord might save us all from the outstretched fingers of this ungodly power. Finally I stood up and returned to the desk to check out. There was nothing I could do here now. My place was back with Isobel and the others. This was only just beginning and I wanted to reach her before the news did. My soul was heavy at the thought of how this would break her heart. And as for Uma- I couldn't even bring myself to think of her plight. I simply offered up a prayer for the safety of my Jezebel and her unborn baby.

 

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