APRIL 2004

Hermanas,

Her words, as she left them.  Mostly.

Abrazos,
Dino  

NOVEMBER 2004

I had to tell him.  Dean.  I'd been thinking about it for weeks now.  While barely a month had passed in this World, Lach and I had spent nearly three months together inside his portal.  It made everything so confusing.  I wasn't even really sure how far along I was.  They don't exactly make a pregnancy calculator for time travel, now do they?  We were tired from the trip.  Glad to be home.  I was happy but exhausted.  Already feeling the changes as my body diverted energy to grow our little baby.  Our internal clocks were off.  We were used to summer.  Here, it was already fall, cool and crisp.  The leaves had already turned.  Everything was a riot of warm colors.

I was a riot of emotions.  Looking back, I understand now what was happening.  Not just to me but to all of us, Lachlan and Terry and Uma too.  Our lives were going to change so much.  We all knew it... and there was this sense in each of us that we must put things right.  It manifested differently in each of us and yet it was so much the same, too.  Old ghosts, old secrets, old sins began rising to the surface.  It was during this time Lachlan first began to open up to Uma about Marie.  Uma, in turn, struggled with her dark past just as Terry was struggling with his own Dark Knight. 

I struggled with my secrets too, afraid that telling Dino I once knew a version of him in my own past would threaten what we'd found together in this World.  I was sick with it.  I had so very many secrets I needed to give up to him.  I knew these next few weeks would be such a hard time for him.  I knew Uma and Terry had invited him to their home.  I knew they would probably tell him about the baby.  Terry loves him too much to ever keep such a thing from him. 

I called Dino before he left for London.  Told him I'd known once known a Dean in my past and just let the chips fall.  He had invited me to spend some time in his home a few days after he was scheduled to return from London and I wanted to be sure that he knew he didn't have to honor that invitation if the secret I'd withheld was too much for him to accept. 

It wasn't.  

He wanted me in his home more than ever.  I wanted that too.  We wanted time to forget the conversation we'd had and the issues it had raised for us.  We wanted time to simply... feel.  To take comfort and reassurance in physical touch, in the fact that our relationship was vastly different from the one that I had once shared with a different Dean.  I had never been intimate with him.  Never tasted his kiss.  Never slept in his arms. 

We both needed those things, those reminders of who we were to each other in this World.  It was so dangerous a line for me to walk.  This thing we have....  It is not safe.  I play with fire each and every time we are together and now the stakes were so much higher.  Too high.  And yet, I could not leave it alone. 

It was the first real challenge for me.  How could I go to him, knowing we needed to touch and be touched to make what was between us right again, but also knowing I needed to tell him about the baby?  I knew we couldn't make love.  I wouldn't do that to Lach or to myself or to him.  And yet, inexplicably, twined with that knowledge was also this feeling I couldn't really explain.  Like it didn't feel at all wrong to want to make love with him, even with a child inside me.  Maybe especially then.  I hadn't stopped loving him.  Or wanting him.  And I couldn't ever imagine any intimacy we might share that would ever feel wrong.

And therein lies the danger.  The reason that he is not safe.    

Lach hated it all, of course.  Hated that I'd once known a version of Dino in my past.  Hated that I seemed to have more of a connection to Dino than to him.  He was smart enough not to blame this World's Dino for something that was not his fault, but he hated it all the same.  And he did not like the idea of me spending a few days with Dino in his home, even if he knew I needed to tell him about our baby in my own time and in my own way. 

I think Lach was a little torn over that.  He didn't want me to go and yet he wanted me to tell Dino about the baby.  I think probably in part because he knows that Dino is an honorable man and he knew what would happen once I told him- or rather what wouldn't be happening.  His possessiveness and protectiveness of me both pleased me and annoyed me.  With this new life inside me, I did feel so very fragile and emotional and looked to Lach for shelter and support and strength more than I ever had before.... and yet there was still this part of me that was annoyed as well.  This baby was something we'd made together and yet he had no plans to curb any of his own visits.  Intellectually, I can understand why that is... and I even found myself a little turned on by his caveman tendencies... but emotionally, it was still kind of tough to take at times.

I mean, it's not like we'd laid in bed and talked about what he should or shouldn't do on his visits now... and yet, he'd made it quite clear what he expected from me on that quarter.  And Lachlan Curry is a sight to behold when he lays down the law, let me assure you.  I wasn't sure if I wanted to let him have it with both barrels or throw myself at him and beg him to fuck me.  Turns out, I did both.  We fought... and we made up... but it was in the quiet afterwards where we got to the real heart of the matter.  And both of us, for all our clashing, were really on the same page after all.  Neither of us wanted to do anything that would ever hurt our baby or each other or jeopardize what we'd found together.

He still didn't like that I was going to see Dino but I intended to go anyway.  It wasn't that I wanted to show him isolating myself for the next nine months wasn't going to happen (and we both know he'd never make me do it, even if at times I knew he felt like it).  It was that he needed to trust me, to trust the others too.  That it was Dino the first time out of the gate was rough on him, I know.  Any of the others would have been easier for him to accept.  But we were strong and it's when you begin to shrink from things that they really start to have power.  We would face this.  Face all of them in time.

As we lay there in bed that night, my body cradling both our tiny child and his strong beautiful penis inside it, I gave voice to something I think we'd both known from the start but that neither of us had ever said aloud.  If he asked it of me, I would follow him anywhere, to the ends of the earth and beyond.  And if 'anywhere' included leaving this place and the people we loved so dearly, I would do it gladly to share my life with him.  He voiced the same sentiment.  Told me he wouldn't want a woman who felt any other way. 

That is the real truth of what we are to each other without walls or secrets or inhibitions. 

And it was in this most volatile, unsettled time where I was trying to balance what was right with how I felt that the ghosts stirring in Terry's past began to seep through into the present.  We talked to each other often.  What had started between us as these little calls to share the fears and concerns we didn't want to lay at our partner's feet, became so much more.  He wanted to know everything.  I did too. 

It was a way for us to continue our unique intimacy and share in each other's lives as much as it was to feel each other out to help us understand how our partners might be feeling.  Terry would want to know how I felt... sick?  Happy?  Sleepy?  Had my body changed yet?  How did I feel about intimacy now?  How were we dealing with the notion of visits?  I wanted to know his perspective too.  What did he think about Uma having visits?  What did he think about the changes in her body?  Would he find a softly rounded figure as attractive as he had a svelte one?

Strangely, it was easier for me to talk to Terry and for Uma to talk to Lach than it was for me to share girly things with Uma... to say nothing of the fact I just couldn't see either Terry or Lach calling each other up to discuss a fear or a concern.  Neither of them are that sort of man.  I think more it was that we were used to talking to each other intimately and it seemed the most natural thing in the world for it to extend to this new intimacy.  And let's face it; there are some things a man just finds easier talking about with a woman than with another man.  I think it was that more than anything.  Terry didn't want to appear weak to Uma nor did Lach want to appear less than confident to me... and somewhere in all of that was the knowledge that we had been lovers and we would be again someday.  Terry was as curious about the changes in my body as Lach was about Uma's. 

It was during this time that one of those conversations took a turn neither of us had ever expected.

A dank room in an ancient castle... you are waiting for God knows what. Hours pass. You are cold and afraid. Shivering and listening for every little noise. You hear the drip of water running down the walls. Mildew growing. The scurrying of rats and mice somewhere nearby. It smells of damp wet earth. The sound of metal, a grille clanging.

Footsteps.

He spoke.  Narration.  A story that was not a story.  Heartbreak.

"I want you to bleed for me." I was rough and you were not ready. You will bleed for me and I'll see it when I pull out. Wetness tinged pink. A virgin? Or just abused by me? "It's too much, Heather... this is too much.... I don't want to hurt you."

"Do you want to stop? We can if you wish. I would never ask more of you than you want-"

"I don't want to stop. I do want to hurt you... Oh, God... I want to hurt you." His voice choked on a sob.

The only thing I did not share with you from that night was the fact that when we spoke of dark cells and darker Knights, I was pregnant.  It disturbed him all the more because of it, and yet strangely, it never would have happened if I hadn't been.  In his mind, it was like this failsafe.  A game within a game within the Game.  Though we had talked about sex and even shared a few fantasies since we'd conceived, he knew while I carried this life inside me that I only intended to make love with Lach.  I wasn't just a safe harbor emotionally but physically as well.  It made the aftermath a bit more difficult than I'd let on, however.  Terry was disturbed he'd spoken of such a violent fantasy at such a time, even if it was my pregnancy that made it possible.  And strangely, or maybe not so strangely, it was the impending birth of his own child that was at the heart of what was stirring these old ghosts. 

Not long after that conversation, Dino had his visit with Terry and Uma.  You know what happened.  Terry spoke of his past.  Dino spoke of his part in it.  And somewhere in all of that, Uma spoke of their child.  Terry's story devastated me, as you are all well aware.  A great many things suddenly became clear to me, among them, my understanding of why I'd always had this feeling that Dino was someone who protected Terry.

And two weeks later, when I flew to California to spend a few days with Dino in his haven, it was with the full knowledge that Terry's story had made what I knew was going to be a difficult situation even more dangerous. 

APRIL 2004

Hermanas,

I am sorry for the rude interruption here, but I feel it is necessary if I'm to satisfy my honor- such as it is.  I know it is not right or fair that I have edited a portion of Heather's words, but the simple truth is that I have the power to do it and I'm not above using it.  I don't ask for your forgiveness and it's more than fair if you choose not to give it.  I understand. 

I would, however, like you to understand this.  I don't mention this to tease.  Not my style.  She entrusted these words to me, and clearly, she wished to be honest about this time between us, but I find given the circumstance surrounding this particular moment, I am less inclined to be so forthcoming.  I want to keep a few secrets for myself.  I mention this only to acknowledge I have altered what she left for you, in only the smallest of ways, but there it is nonetheless.

As for those missing hours, I will only share this- they fixed what her secret had strained between us and I was moved beyond words to hear she was pregnant.  I can't explain it.  Couldn't then.  Still can't now.  And that will just have to do you. 

I understand if you're annoyed.  I expect she will be.  Though to be honest, if there is ever a time that she and Curry and Uma are returned to us, I'll cheerfully submit to any punishment she cares to hand out. 

Abrazos,
Dino

I am not quite sure how we managed it, but we did.  It wasn't lovemaking... but it was... well, I guess I can't explain it better than I already have.  And it was only in those first precious hours with each other.  When we needed to touch each other so desperately to make things right in the wake of the secrets I'd revealed. 

To be honest, I think it might have been less dangerous if we had made love.  The intimacy we shared ran much deeper than a sex act ever could.  The simple truth is he can get sex anywhere at any time he chooses.  It's not sex he misses but those little things that tell him he's loved. 

What we shared in his home during those days was an intimacy of an entirely different kind.  We cooked together, bathed together, napped together.  We watched each other shave and dress and undress and a hundred other silly little intimate things.  There's just something so revealing about watching how another person touches their body, how carelessly intimate they can be.  It was such a gift to share those little details with him.

I gave up a few of my secrets.  He gave up some of his.  We spoke of portals and children and Gen.  My God, I wish you all could have seen his eyes that night he spoke of her.  Again, I was reminded of that notion that love is not finite.  Did he love her with his whole heart?  Words can't even do it justice.  Did he still have love left for us?  Absolutely. 

I'll tell you a secret about our Dino.  What he has for us -  with us - is all the better for what he had with her. 

And I'll tell you a secret too, Dean.  Those days.... the peace I felt in your haven wasn't ever about a house on a mountaintop. 

I returned from Dino's, happy and healthy and with a heart that was so very much lighter.  I hadn't seen Lach in five days.  It felt like forever.  It was the first time we'd been apart since I'd become pregnant.  Normally, we're both quite independent.  Because of the life he's led, he will always feel the call of the wind much too strongly to ever be a man happy to be tied to home, no matter how much we love each other.  And to be honest, I like rambling around in a quiet house, the little jingle of my charm bracelet reminding me of him every time I move and smiling to myself, knowing he is enjoying himself off on some adventure, high above the earth. 

This time, however, it was different.  I came in through the door and noticed Lach's flight bag on the table and his car keys on the counter next to an empty cup of tea and an ashtray.  Naughty boy!  Smoking in the house.  I had to laugh, though.  It's not like he gets to do that much anymore.  He never was a heavy smoker and he's cut down since we returned, but he still likes to sit out on the deck at night, sipping a beer and smoking.  Heh.  Smoking... that way he touches his mouth when he's talking.... the way he rests his tongue on his lip.... the man definitely has an oral fixation.  Lucky me!

I went skipping up the stairs, laughing at the 'man trail'- shoes kicked off by the couch.  Jacket and tie flung over the back of his chair.  Clothes on the floor by the bathroom door.  Does he even know where the hamper is?  The house was humid and warm and smelled strongly of the tingly peppermint soap Lach favors.  I could just picture him, coming back from wherever work had taken him this week... dropping his flight bag and keys... making a quick cuppa before he hit the shower... he was probably already asleep. 

I was wrong about that.  He had been asleep, but he'd heard me come in.  He was rubbing his eyes and pushing the covers off of his naked body, grinning hugely when he saw me standing in the doorway. 

I smiled back at him and said, "I think a seklie's been in our shower, Lach."

"Mmmm...."  He's so adorable when he first wakes up, like a sleepy little boy.  It never lasts long though.  His grin got bigger.  "Lucky for you he decided to stick around and have a kip, hey?"

"Lucky me," I breathed.  The mood changed just that fast.  His eyes were on fire as he looked at me, raking his gaze up and down.  He came to me, not just unashamed of his naked body, but proud of it as he closed the distance between us.  He is so wondrously fine, warm and sleep-rumpled, big and hairy and rough, already half hard.  His penis swayed heavily as he walked and he seemed to stand taller under my gaze, pleased his woman liked the look of him.

He knelt before me and wrapped his arms around my hips, pressing his face into my belly.  "I missed you both," he whispered.  Heat flared in his eyes.  "Strip!  I want to see you, Blue!"  He wasn't soft or sweet but he had a care in how he touched me, even with the tinge of inpatient desperation in his voice.  "Strip... I want to see all the changes in your beautiful body... see what I missed..."  

His hands and mouth and eyes mapped my body, touching my ribs and my hipbones.  Weighing my breasts, seeing if they were as tender as he remembered.  "Your nipples are darker."  The way he said it made me smile.  He seemed both an experienced man intent on lovemaking and like a bit of a boy, too.  There was such wonder in his face as he touched me.  There was heat too.  And possession.  The way he touched me was some blend of love and awe and animal possessiveness.

Sucking kisses.  Stinging little bites he soothed away with the flat of his tongue.  The way he rubbed his rough stubble all over my body, making me writhe and squirm as I alternately pushed him away and pulled him closer.  He was like an animal, rubbing his cheeks and chin against me, pushing his face between my legs to smell me.  Growling deep in his throat at my scent and taste. 

For all his wild excitement, he was so gentle when he rubbed his tip through my folds and pushed himself inside.  His eyes were closed and his hands were clenched.  His body shook with want but he was so very tender.  "I won't hurt you," he gasped out, starting a slow shallow rhythm that steadily became faster and deeper. 

I just held him tighter, called out for him to love me.  To give me all of himself.  To fill my body like he fills my heart.  Just held him so tight and gloried in the feel of him, his strength and power and the way he made me feel so safe and loved and sheltered.  I cried my pleasure against his neck.  He groaned and bit my shoulder, shuddering through his own orgasm, hitching and jerking until he was spent and boneless and my thighs were wet with him. 

With this sigh of absolutely unembarrassed masculine satisfaction, he slumped down next to me in the bed and put his arm over me, pulling my back to his front before he buried his face in my hair and purred out happy man nonsense.  I smiled.  He sighed.  We slept.

Several days later, on the eve of Lach's departure and Hando's arrival, winter decided to make a surprise appearance- a little early.  It never snows here before Thanksgiving, and yet this year... on the morning of the 20th, we awoke to an unexpected snow flurry.  Well, more accurately, I awoke.  Where has my bladder gone?!  I swear, if I'm not napping, or feeling queasy, I'm running for the bathroom. 

This morning, however, my hurried flight back to my warm bed and warmer man was put on hold when I saw the snow falling outside.  I stood by the window for a little while, watching it come down and remembering the last time I'd been in the snow.  I felt Lach's big strong arms come around me and I smiled.  He fingered the little snowflake charm on my bracelet and kissed his way up my neck to hum happily in my ear while he rubbed his hands over my belly and gave me a hug.  "You know, for a Queenslander, I think the snow just might be beginning to grow on me, love."  He rubbed his morning erection against me and grinned.

I giggled.  The world spun.  I bolted for the bathroom.  He held my hair, waited for me to rinse out my mouth and then carried me back to bed.  I groaned and pulled the covers up over my head.  "Just let me die...."  He chuckled and pulled them back down again.

"You want me to get you some tea-"

My stomach heaved.  "Shut up, Lach!"  I clapped a hand over my mouth.

He gave me a look.  "You already honked up all your guts, Blue..."  Lachlan Curry.  Sometimes I could cheerfully strangle him.  I could also not have done this without him.  When he was home, he'd lie in bed with me in the morning and entertain me with his crazy rambling while the worst of the queasiness passed. 

That morning, he was so sweet- and so adorably naughty, lying there starkers, all his good bits on casual display while he tucked the covers back around me and settled in at my side.  He gave his flagging erection a halfhearted tug and let it fall on his belly.  "Looks like it's just you and me this morning, mate...." 

I giggled in spite of myself.  He just kept right on talking.

"Don't mind her, now, Lochie me old chap.... she's feeling a bit crook... can't come out and play with you today..."  He carried on this crazy conversation with his penis.  I nibbled on the crackers that now lived in my nightstand, thinking to myself it was these kinds of moments that make what we have so special.  I couldn't imagine doing this with anyone but Lach.

A little while later, he rolled over and looked at me, serious now where he'd been teasing before.  Serious and a little bit bashful as well.  It was one of my favorite looks on him.  He kissed me gently and then let this soft little sigh out against my lips.  "I'm sorry you're feeling bad, love... I hate seeing it and yet, I like it too.  Crazy, hey?"  There was a touch of color in his face.  "Like proof..."

His voice trailed off.  I'd been feeling pretty rotten in the last few weeks- at least for a good majority of the day.  I'd actually lost weight, looked more slender than ever.  "Yeah?"  I smiled at him.  He was a little hesitant, embarrassed to admit he was enjoying my suffering even if it pulled at his heartstrings. 

He nodded.  "Makes me feel good in a way... powerful."  His eyes were bright and a bit wet.  "I put a little baby in you, Blue."  He flashed me this incredible smile.  "And seeing proof of that just...." he ran a hand through his hair.  "It makes me feel so...." he grinned wider and let out this loud exuberant whoop that was pure male. 

We both laughed.  I think what I felt inside of me - this warm soft feeling - must have been the female counterpart to what he felt.  We lay in bed a while longer, talking about the future and our plans and the more mundane matters of everyday life.  He was scheduled to fly out today.  Hando was due in.  I was worried about the early winter storm.  Lach assured me he had no problems flying in a little snow (he is so adorably cocky!) but flatly refused to let me drive in it.  Said he didn't trust all the other drivers out there and that he wasn't taking any chances.

I heard him later that morning, on the phone to Hando.  At least, I'm going to assume it was Hando.  I heard Lach say something about, "Fucking snow!  Freezing my tits off just looking at it, mate..." and then, "Hire one at the airport.  I don't want her driving..." I just left them to it before it degraded into something else.  Sometimes I wonder if they should just pee on each other's boots and have done with it.     

Hando's visit was another thing Lach and I had gone round and round about.  In the end, though, he trusted my judgment and let me issue the invitation.  That said- I am not as blind where Hando is concerned as Lach thinks I am.  We do share something special, but even with that, I know that he is- and will always be- both dangerous and unpredictable. 

I really wanted to tell Hando about the baby but I was concerned, too.  Not that I feared his reaction.  It was more that I was afraid it would hurt him.  He has wanted children- a pack, a family of his own, for a long time now.  So much so, he was willing to risk Tina's wrath and entertain the notion of fathering a child with another Sister.  That avenue was no longer available to him now, but I knew it hadn't lessened his desire. 

It's not so surprising, really.  It's a natural evolution when you think about it.  He was a father figure in his film.  Not quite Ward Cleaver, but a father figure nonetheless.  It is a role he is suited to.  Protector.  Provider.  It seems odd, doesn't it?  That a man who can be so brutal and selfish and violent is also a man who at his core simply needs to be needed.  Without responsibility, he is a danger to others and to himself.  With it, he thrives- as he is now in the life he has made with Tina. 

I was not so foolish as to simply invite him here and lay this on him out of the blue, however.  Sure, I had my little fantasy of greeting him and giving him a hug and a kiss and getting to watch his face while I told him about the baby, but Hando is unpredictable.  He is also a force to be reckoned with.  If he was unaware of the baby, I might very well find myself pushed down and mounted before I could get a word out edgewise.  He is unapologetic about what he wants... which is a part of his charm, but also part of the danger. 

So, I called him.  We chatted for a bit.  Finally, I just couldn't stand it any longer.  "So, Hando... about our visit... would you still come if we didn't... if it wasn't a regular..."  God, I was making a mess of this.  He just sat there in silence, listening to me dither like a loon.  "I mean would you still want to come if this was a chaste visit?"

He laughed.  It wasn't a happy sound.  "You don't want me to fuck you?"  Crap.  Now I'd pissed him off.  I tried to cut in but he kept on going.  "Nobody asks me for those kinds of visits, love."  He sounded defensive.  "I'm the one they call when the want a proper rooting, good and hard."  His defiant tone was somewhere between pride and anger. 

It made me sad for him.  Did he really think we saw him simply as a good fuck with someone bad?  Like that's all we ever wanted from him?  "Would you still come?"  I asked softly.

Long silence from him.  "I wouldn't know how to act."  More silence, uncomfortable this time.  "But, yeah.... I'd come.  For you."  I heard the flick of a lighter.  "You gonna tell me why, fireball?"

The nervous butterfly feeling in my stomach got worse.  "It's all sort of connected... Our recent trip to Lach's portal... the reason I wanted to share the ensuite with you and Tina at for Terry's 40th... the reason I want to see you this time without our usual wild escapades...."

"Yeah?"  I heard him blow out a stream of smoke.  "Well, why don't you draw me a picture, lovie.  I'm not a brain surgeon."  And he was getting impatient with my bumbling.

"I don't know where to start."  I also thought I might be sick.  I was so nervous.  And excited.  And scared.

"Just spit it out, you silly bint.  You break your leg fucking flyboy in the snowy north or something?"  I could hear the smile in his voice. 

I took a deep breath.  "I'm going to have a baby."

He snorted.  "Yeah, right.  Tell me another one."

"I'm serious.... I had this theory about the portals... and I mentioned it to Uma... and she said she'd talked to Nash..."

Silence.

"I'll be damned."  He sounded stunned.

"I thought maybe from what she'd said in that diary she wrote about your visit that she might have told you..."  Hando's desire for a child wasn't exactly a secret to those who knew him well.  I could have kicked myself.  After Tina's surgery, Nash's theory wouldn't have made any difference. 

He sighed.  "Yes, she did.  But it's a moot point here, don't you think?"

I felt tears sting my eyes.  "I'm sorry... I wish it was different... and I feel guilty in telling you since I know it's something you want so very much."

"I am happy for you.  Really."  He took another drag.  "And don't start thinking like that about me- that you can't tell me things.  That'd make me feel worse."

I put a hand to my flat belly.  "I know it would... that's why I'm telling you now.  You're very important to me.  What you think and feel is important to me.  I wouldn't ever want to hurt you."

He accepted my words with his usual impassivity.  They were noted but not remarked upon.  Typical Hando.  He said instead, "So, I take it this is a secret still?"

"Yes, for now.  I'm barely eight weeks..."  Lach and I wanted to begin to tell those we had close, intimate relationships with fairly quickly but hold off on the rest.... just in case, you know?   

More silence from him and then a burst of exclamation.  "Wow!  Little miss fireball... a Mum!"

I laughed.  "A 'Mum', yes.... Uncle Hando.  Has a nice ring to it."  He chuckled.  "Hando... are you OK with this... really?"

"Me?  OK?  How could I not be?"  I heard him playing with his lighter.  Flick.  Flick.  Flick.  "I'm sure flyboy will see that I stay far away from the kid, though."

"Hando, I'm your number two.  Do you really think I wouldn't want you to be a part of my life, especially now?"

"No."  Cocky now.  "But I was gonna tell you that nothing would keep me away- so you better warn him now.  Heh."

I giggled.  "That's why I asked if you'd still want to come even if it wasn't going to be a visit that included sex."

"Nothing would keep me away now, love.  Nothing."

"I am so happy to hear that.  I want to share this time with you-"

"I just... I.... um.... Heather- I've not really been in the company of a pregnant woman before...."

"Never?  Not even with all your wild past?"  Surely, his mates wouldn't have practiced safe sex every single time.  Surely, someone, somewhere had fallen pregnant...

Scoffing snort from him.  "Love, women with bumps didn't interest me.  All I know is rooting and flirting and f-" he abruptly censored whatever it was he'd been about to say.  "I didn't want those women around.... so you'll have to be patient."

"Patient?"

"If I get frustrated 'cause I dunno what to do!" he bit out.  A moment without his mask.  He covered it quickly, throwing out a sexual comment to hide his vulnerability.  "'Cause everything I'm good at is just not gonna happen.  Heh."

I smiled sadly.  "You just be you."  I thought he might protest... but he didn't.  I think even Hando likes being wanted for himself, not for how loud he can make a woman scream or how hard he can make her come.

I knew he'd be curious, too.  Hando's wanted a child of his own far too long and I wanted to put him at ease.  "I'm not embarrassed with you, Aslan," I said softly.  "You and me... you've sort of seen it all already... so you can ask me whatever you like... if you're curious."

"I may have a few questions."  Yeah, and the sky may be a little blue. 

"And of course, I am a bit different.... I lost some weight because I've been sick and then there is the queasiness and the naps..." I didn't mention the endless stream of trips to the bathroom.  I do have some pride, after all.  "But other than that, I'm still me."         

"You OK?"  I thought of his concern for Davey's hand.  Hando is aware of everything that happens within his sphere, and even if he doesn't address it directly, you know he is cognizant of it and his mind is always working, trying to figure out how to meet the needs of the people who depend on him.  "You sure you're up for this?" 

I smiled.  "Of course."

"If you change your mind..."

"I won't.  I want to see you."  

"I want to see you too."  I wondered what he was thinking.  It sounded a bit like he was actually surprised and somewhat embarrassed that he actually wanted to see me knowing he'd have to keep it in his pants.   

"I'm so glad you do, Hando.  I wasn't sure how you'd feel.  I didn't want to keep it from you but I didn't want to rub your face in it either, knowing how badly you want a child of your own."   

I heard his lighter flick again and his raspy exhale.  "Tina and I want to adopt," he finally offered.  "We've already started looking into it.  I think Terry and Dino will help us out... not like we really qualify for the normal adoption process, you know?"

We talked a little more.  He made me promise to remind him to bring his niece something back from my end of the country.  He told me a bit about his trip to Oz.  A bit about how Tina was.  And every now and then, he'd just stop and interject, "My little fireball... a Mum!" like he was still trying to wrap his head around it.  I think maybe he was.  God knows, I still hadn't quite managed it myself.

It was still snowing when he arrived.  I scampered out to see him.  His big heavy boots scrunched in the snow.  He was magnificent.  For a moment, I was simply awestruck that I'd actually been intimate with this man.  He looked like he was about to march on Poland.  Long, heavy, black wool coat with the collar turned up against the cold.  Black knit cap.  Jeans.  Thick knit sweater.  My God, he was impressive. 

It also made me laugh a little inside.  He and Lach and Terry- they take their winter weather seriously.  Me?  A few inches of snow was hardly anything to what I'd grown up with.  I wasn't even wearing a coat, just a warm chenille sweater over a pair of jeans.  It felt like forever since I'd seen him.  So much had changed... and so much had stayed the same, too. 

He said, "Where's your coat, you silly bint?"  I was just too nervous and excited and I sort of forgot myself for a moment and just flung myself at him.  He caught me.  It was like hitting a lean wall of muscle.  Hando dropped his leather carry-on, returning my fierce hug with a low growl, and when we kissed, it was with every bit of the fire we always had. 

God, he smelled and tasted and felt so good.  Being with him always made me feel feminine and protected by his raw masculinity, never more so than now.  He was protective enough of those he considered family already... but imagine how the presence of a little baby brought that primal part of his nature screaming to the fore.  He was a little hesitant to return my kiss at first, but you know Hando- once he commits to something, nothing in the world could stop him.  I felt him get hard.  Clearing his throat a little uncomfortably, he stepped back and picked up his bag, steadying me with his free hand so I wouldn't slip in the snow while we walked back to the house. 

Typical Hando.  A bit standoffish emotionally, but once he considered you as someone under his care, his dogged loyalty was there for the duration.  And it felt good, really good to be under this man's care.  We did the usual guest routine- tour of the house, showed him to the spare room... helped him get settled, made him a cup of tea and then did as I was told, waiting inside while he brought in more wood for the fire and then we made ourselves comfortable on the couch.  Or rather, we tried. 

He looked uncomfortable.  To be honest, I think we both were.  He still wanted me.  I was still attracted to him.  The baby didn't change that but intimacy without sex was difficult for him.  He wasn't exactly a wear his heart on his sleeve sort of man and I knew he found it easier to speak openly with a computer screen between us. 

I sipped my tea.  He sipped his.  My feet were in his lap.  He was hard again, stroking my calf absently through my jeans.  I wanted to put him at ease, but I really didn't know how.  It was difficult to get Hando to engage without sex as an icebreaker first.  "I meant what I said, you know..."  His eyes shot to mine.  "I just want you to be you, Hando."

He considered that and then finally offered up:  "I thought you'd look different." 

"Different?"  I knew what he meant but I wanted to get him talking.  

He shrugged.  "Yeah... glowing... shit like that."  His fingers played with an unlit cigarette.

I knew how I looked.  Skinny, tired and a little bit green around the edges.  You know, I actually think he was disappointed there was no bump for him to see.  He started in on the whole, 'I'm going to feed you up' bit.  I wondered if Lach had put him up to that.  Or maybe it's just what men want to do to pregnant women.  How do I know?  He kept on with his talk of food.  I warned him off.  He didn't listen.  His mistake.

I shoved him away and went running for the bathroom.  And what do you know?  He actually knelt there with me and held my hair, murmuring soft and low in my ear, his voice tinged with concern.  Though in retrospection, I don't suppose it was all that surprising.  He'd looked after his mates back in the day.  He looked after Tina now.  He'd said she'd picked up a bug in Oz- that he'd had lots of practice holding hair while she 'chundered her guts up'. 

I was embarrassed, of course.  What an icebreaker though.  Us, together in the bathroom afterwards.  He rubbed my back soothingly.  I brushed my teeth.  He handed me a hand towel and held me close, just letting me absorb the strength from his big, solid body.  Anyone else would have given me my privacy.  He waded right in.  And somehow, in that, we managed to find that intimacy together without sex.

He was easier with me after that.  He still had that fierce intensity that sex usually takes the edge off of, but he was making an effort.  And so was I.  It was a singularly unique time.  Hando, the Brother you'd think would be the least affected by all this turned out to be the most attentive- in this way that was just so... him.  Though he is incredibly intelligent, he lacks the social skills to be anything other than brutally straightforward and honest in the way that he looks after someone.  He'd never be hearts and flowers, but he cared in his own rough way and I liked it.     

I enjoyed his questions.  And he had a lot.  That first bout in the bathroom seemed to sort of loosen something inside him.  He was still Hando, though, and he had absolutely no fear in asking me whatever he liked, from the banal to the most crudely intimate questions.  And I had no shame.  I answered them all.  He was curious and I indulged him, enjoying both his frank questions as well as this other feeling that had sort of crept in during our days together. 

The simple truth is he liked being enjoyed for more than just his uninhibited animal sexuality.  He never said anything about it but I know it made him feel good inside that someone was interested in what was between his ears, not just what was between his legs. 

That said- we had our share of sexual moments as well.  He is Hando, after all.  He exudes both sex and power.  I turned up at his bedroom door that first night and asked him if it would be OK if I slept next to him or if it would be too much.  Now I know some of you are thinking, ARE YOU BLEEDING CRACKED, GIRL?!  But I trusted him.  He was so careful with me.  To be honest, it wasn't myself I was worried about.  I just wondered what might happen if someone happened to threaten me while I was under his care.  He's protective enough as it is... but it was like the baby had flipped some switch over inside him.        

He smiled at me, just for a moment, without his mask.  "I can handle it."  I climbed into bed, frog pajamas and all.  He gave me a look and said, "I'm gonna go shower."

So, that was that.  He stripped off and disappeared into the bathroom and I snuggled down under the covers, thinking about the first time I'd ever been intimate with him.  It was just after a shower too.  He'd come upstairs in just a towel, kissed me with cinnamon kisses until I thought I was dying and then fucked me senseless on his bed.  Twice.  I thought I'd never walk again.   

A low noise from the shower caught my attention.  That soft sound Hando makes deep in his throat when he's close.  I heard it again.  He was hardly advertising but he didn't try to hide it from me either.  He was masturbating.  I felt my face get hot and desire uncoil deep in my belly.  My sex tingled.  I heard the soft, raspy grunt he made as he came and a few minutes later, the shower cut off.  He padded out not soon after, wearing a pair of sweats and moving with that slow looseness that men only have when they've come really hard. 

He put a cigarette in his mouth and reached for his lighter and then his eyes fell on me.  "Fuck."  He pulled his heavy coat on over his naked chest and stomped down the stairs.  I heard the sliding glass door to the deck open and shut.  The cold drove him back in a few minutes later.  He smelled of smoke and had snowflakes melting in his hair as he shrugged out of his coat and got into bed with me.  They were cold.  He was warm.  I was sleepy.

The next thing I remember was waking up with his arm curled around me possessively, like even his subconscious mind couldn't keep from making some sort of claim.  It was dark.  I shifted away, trying to get more comfortable and he pulled me back into him.  A little while later, I woke again.  He was spooned up next to me.  Wide awake.  Must be the time difference.  It wasn't yet sunrise here. 

His fingers twitched where his arm was flung over me.  "Can I-" he stopped abruptly.  It was the first time I'd ever really heard him hesitate.  "Go back to sleep," he said gruffly.  A clear dismissal if I ever heard one.

I took his hand and put it on my belly under my shirt.  "It's OK."  He touched me from hipbone to hipbone and from my sternum to the top of the curls between my legs.  It wasn't at all sexual.  I really don't know how to explain it.  I could feel my heart beating against his palm and feel his breath on the nape of my neck.  Neither of us said anything.  The next time I woke up, I was in bed.  Alone.                         

The few days we had together passed quickly.  We celebrated his birthday, belatedly.  I'd promised him cake and ice cream and hounded him until he finally told me what flavor he liked.  Chocolate cake (NOT dark as per his orders) and vanilla ice cream.  That made me laugh.  He gave me a look.  I told him just the thought of him saying 'vanilla' was enough to give me the giggles. 

"Hando, the vanilla guy..."  What a laugh.   

"Right.  Mr. Vanilla."  He actually growled at me.  I nearly wet myself.  

So, there it was.  Hando.  Me.  Cake and ice cream.  Presents.  A warm fire crackling in the background.  Not quite hot cinnamon candy sex, but not too bad a way to spend an evening.  For his birthday, we'd bought him some books on flying and arranged for him to have some flying lessons back home.  Not just any old instructor- but someone whose grandfather had fought in the war.  For the Germans.  Someone who wouldn't reject Hando out of hand. 

He was touched.  Deeply.  He didn't say thank you- but how he treated those books, almost with a reverence - it showed how very much our gift had meant to him.  That night he packed them away so carefully.  And he let me see him do it.  Hando expresses himself as eloquently as any other Brother.  Sometimes, you just have to look a little harder to see it.   

Before I knew it, it was the day Lach was due back.  It was early.  We were still in bed.  Not quite ready to get up.  Both not ready to face our last morning alone together.  Hando understood now why I wanted to share the two adjoining rooms at Terry's for the party.  He thought it was a good idea.  My own personal electric fence, he said.  Lachlan would be gone a lot, ferrying the family back and forth across the pond and I wanted someone close who not only knew about the baby but who would look out for me while Lach was gone.  Hando was the perfect choice.  We made a few plans.  Dozed a little.  Just as I drifted off to sleep, I heard him whisper, "I was wrong before.  You do look different.  Glowing."   

When I woke again, Hando was spooned up behind me, his morning erection heavy and hard.  Rubbing against me a little in an effort to alleviate his intense arousal.  He rolled away but didn't get up to shower like he had every other morning.  This morning, he shoved the covers back and pulled me next to his side as he pushed his sweats down and took his impressive erection in hand. 

Like everything is with Hando, this was complex too.  So many things in the mix here.  Knowing he was going soon.  Knowing he wouldn't get many chances like this- to hold a pregnant woman against his strong, naked body.  Wanting a baby of his own so badly but knowing it just wasn't in the cards.  And under it all was this undertone that he needed both to prove to me he was virile and to flaunt his sexuality in a way that made him feel like a man, but there was also a bit of a challenge, too- a bit of 'see what you're missing...?'  But in a nice way.  He was simply being Hando.  Being the alpha.

"Watch me."  The fingers of his free hand tightened on mine and he met my eyes for just a moment, searching.  Making sure it was OK.  "I want ya to watch me."  I rested my head on his shoulder and he pulled me closer, but that was the extent of my involvement. 

He pushed his sweats down more and spread his legs, stroking himself without a single shred of embarrassment.  Long easy strokes, lingering where it felt good.  Spreading the clear fluid weeping from the tip.  He spit in his hand and wrapped it back around the thick column of flesh.  The rhythm changed.  His breathing got deeper.  I watched his hand, working with rough steady strokes.  He watched my face.  I could see the veins in his forearm rise.  His hand pumped.  His hips pumped.  The arm he had around me tightened.

His heavy wrinkled balls drew up tight.  "Watch!" he grit out.  His rhythm grew erratic and then he shuddered and came, making that low noise in his throat as his body pulsed streams of pearly white semen across his chest.  He collapsed back against the bed with a grunt, breathing hard, lost for a few moments in that floaty, foggy pleasure of post orgasm lethargy. 

Our eyes met.  He swiped a finger through the come on his chest and looked away as he rubbed it absently between his thumb and forefinger.  "I wish...."

He wished he could give life to someone.  "I know."  I kissed his shoulder softly.  It was this poignant moment in the midst of something utterly carnal, and was all the sweeter because of it.  But then was gone, just as fleetingly as it had come.  His eyes glinted.  He licked his thumb and finger and then kissed me.  For all the crude dominance in the gesture, the kiss was deep but not rough and it ended very softly.  His mouth didn't say it... but the way he touched me did. 

I'm going to miss you, love.                     

Lach arrived in the late afternoon.  Hando had an evening flight but as always in this strange World of ours, nothing ever quite happens like you think it's going to.  Hando changed his plans at the last minute, deciding to go on to San Francisco before he went home.  I'm not sure if he wanted to visit Dino to talk about adoption or to visit the Temple and cavort with some naked naiads after nearly a week of chastity- or both.  As is typical of Hando, he didn't say and we knew better than to ask.

Much to my surprise - and Hando's too - Lach invited him to stay another night with us and offered to fly him down to SF in the morning in our little Cessna.  Jumpstart on the lessons, mate, he said.  Hando's eyes about glazed over at that.  Lach was thrilled he could show off his 'baby' to someone who'd appreciate her properly.  God.  Men and their toys.  Aren't they adorable?     

It was quite an evening.  Lach and Hando griped about the snow and shared their love of planes and motorcycles and fine malt.  I couldn't help but smile.  They'd come a long way since trying to kick each other's ass on a footie field.  I'm not sure if their politics will ever allow them to be good friends, but they are family and they were both trying.

I also think it probably had to do with our baby, at least a little.  Lach's a pretty polite, old-fashioned kind of guy about a lot of things, but he's just as capable as being a knuckle dragging chauvinist as the rest of them.  And with his baby inside me, there was definitely this sense from him that he'd sort of staked the ultimate claim.  I felt it.  I know Hando did too.  As for Lach, well, he might be a nice guy... but he can be just as down and dirty when he wants to.... and I know that was one golden moment he shamelessly enjoyed. 

And strangely enough, we did too.      

APRIL 2004

Hermanas,

I couldn't help but chime in here.  This story, this confession of hers.... it got me thinking, as I always do when I read something any of you has written.  I always find myself surprised by the words.  That with all we write and share, there are more visits that are not written about (or even logged- and I know we've all done that once or twice).  I am just always struck by how much we really don't know about each other.

Strange notion for this family, who shares with each other what most would keep private, but there it is.  Even in these words, where I occasionally feel she has been too honest, I am still aware there is more to the story. 

We all do it.  Little details we keep private for ourselves or our lovers or our friends.  I find it somehow reassuring even as I wonder if any of us ever really knows each other.  As a man who likes his secrets, I enjoy the knowledge each of us still holds secrets worth discovering.  That what's truly in our hearts may or may not always be reflected in what we share.

Hope.  Faith.  Truth.

She is always deliberate with words, both in what she says and how she says it.  The mystery, for me, is in reading between what was said and what was left unsaid and discovering what relevance those words have for me.  

Abrazos,
Dino