APRIL 2004

Hermanas,

With each day that passes without word, this gets harder.  But I made a promise and I intend to keep it. 

Abrazos,
Dino

JANUARY 2004

New Year's at the Temple.  Another perfect opportunity to share our news that just didn't materialize.  I think this time we were even more sensitive to that niggling feeling that the piper was listening for even the smallest sound from us on this front.  I can't say what it was, exactly.  Fear of disapproval?  Rejection?  Fear it might cause too big a ripple in this little pond of ours? 

The longer we kept our secret, the more difficult it became.  How could we explain why we'd held our silence for so long?  I had noticed in my writing- and Uma's too- that we'd begun to flirt dangerously close to the truth.  Giving blatant clues, subconsciously at first and then more often with intent, I think.  Almost like we wanted to get caught... and yet we were apprehensive, too.

I wasn't ashamed of our baby.  Quite the opposite, in fact.  But we just couldn't shake the feeling niggling at us and another opportunity passed.  I dressed carefully, in a black dress with an empire waist that nearly hid the rounded swell of my belly.  Over it, I wore Max's Christmas gift to me, a palla- a traditional Roman wrap.  The one he'd chosen was an soft earthy green and made of the finest wool.  With Lachlan's diamonds in my ears, I felt like a princess... 

A thought that made me laugh when I got a look at Uma's crazy dress.  She'd chosen just as carefully as I had and she really did look like a fairy princess in that outrageous gossamer creation.  So Uma. 

We'd kept our heads down most of the day but we had fun at the party.  I carried a champagne flute around with me, which Lach would periodically drain.  Boy, did he ever have a good night.  Color high.  Eyes twinkling.  Wide smile on his handsome face.  He used the opportunity to tell his mate Egan the good news and together, we managed to corner Nash on the back terrace where told him as well.  God, that was fun.

He looked from me to Lach and then shouted, "Fuck me!  It worked!"  He kissed me and pumped Lach's hand, muttering about conclusive empirical data and concrete proof.  We hushed him.  He claimed another kiss from the mother-to-be.  Now, I don't know about you... Nash might be a genius and a Nobel winner, but to me, he'll always be my Gabriel.

It was fun watching all the couples and seeing the family.  Watching the dancing and stolen kisses.  Seeing the tensions and sparks fly as they inevitably do when we are all together.  I saw Arthur working his charm on all the Sisters.  Saw Stephen raising a glass with his most particular friend.  Saw Hando standing guard over his woman.  Saw Dino dancing and flirting as shamelessly as only he can.  I even saw Max dancing with Angharad.  And at midnight, the man I loved held me in his arms and together we kissed in the New Year.  What a magical night!  

The following day, the men slept it off.  Uma and I holed up and compared bellies and complaints and shared stories of the crazy romantic men we loved who drove us to distraction and loved us to bits.... and who just happened to be taking us home to Oz. 

The day after was quiet.  Lach slept for most of it while Terry took Uma and I out for a drive.  We had an afternoon flight and it was a long one.  We gave the good old US of A a fine sendoff.  The four of us had lunch with Dino and then we drove to the airport.

So, Oz.  What can I really say?  We went home.  Home.  I stood with the man I love in the little town of Cloncurry and touched his past.  His family still owns the same land.  The only difference is there are more of them now.  The tradition of Felix the dog still lives on.  And it was there in that sleepy little town that I felt our baby kick for the first time.  Really kick.   

Thinking of that time.... it was almost too much.  Dino found me sitting on the floor with tears on my face, surrounded by the pictures from that trip.  Happy and windblown.  Hair sun-streaked and stiff with salt.  Golden and languid.  Others of us.... black and white.  Moody and quiet.  Smoke drifting across Lach's face as he looked out to sea.  Terry and Uma embracing in the shadows.   

The precious portraits we'd taken of each other in those last days.  Nude and ripe with life.  I touched the one of the four of us and wondered if we would ever be together again.  Dino gathered the pictures for me and returned them to their box with reverence.  He is a man who understands the importance of treasured pictures.  He held me after and rocked me as I had a good cry on his shoulder.  He carried me to bed and was sitting beside it holding my hand when I woke up. 

Over tea, I told him the one story from that time we dared not even hint at.  Sydney.  Terry and Lach were pretty much restricted to the hotel room- for obvious reasons.  With the early arrival of baby Charlie, Sydney seemed to have Crowe fever.  Our men could have cared less about being grounded, however.  They had a place to lounge, footie on the TV and several cartons of VB.  They were happier than pigs in muck. 

We hit the town.  We had the urge to shop, no chaperones... and twin gold cards belonging to two pleasure-soaked bushrangers called Waltzing and Matilda.  Heh.  So, I guess you could say we were happier than pigs in muck, too.  We shopped and ate and wandered in and out of dozens of little stores.  It was in the bookshop, however, that the real story began.

Uma had to wee for like the millionth time.  She's even worse than me on that score, and that's saying something.  She disappeared and left me browsing through the baby section, which funnily enough, was sandwiched between self-help and human sexuality.  I was thumbing through a book of baby names when I heard a conversation from across the way.  Two teenage girls were digging through a rack of CD's. 

"Oooooohhhh.... 30 Odd Foot of Grunts.  Found it, Bethy.  God, Russell fuckin' Crowe.  I could just eat him alive..... he's soooooo yummy." 

'Bethy' grimaced.  "Ewwww!  Him?  Gross!  He always looks like he's stumbled out of a bar at two a.m. in serious need of a shower." 

"Yeah..... but what a shower, girl."  She waved the CD at her friend.  "I'd swallow that gift!"  I rolled my eyes.  "God, if I was his girl, I'd....."  Their voices trailed off as they walked away.

I snorted and mumbled to myself, "And if I was him, I'd run as far and as fast as I could."

I heard a soft chuckle from down the aisle.  "Too right."

Oh my God!  I knew that voice.  I heard that same deep burr every morning when it asked me if I had seen its socks.  I turned to look.  I was right.  God, Uma was just going to die!  Of all the times to have to have a wee!  Russell's smile faded as he took in my face.  "Do I know you, love?" 

"Umm...."  OK, not the most eloquent response, I know.  

He studied my face intently.  I felt self-conscious under his intense scrutiny.  Why would he think he knew me?  I was confused for a moment and then suddenly remembered the dossiers he'd had worked up on each of us a few months back.  That's where he'd probably seen my face.  I turned to face him fully and his eyes widened when he saw my stomach. 

His wide smile was back, a little apologetic this time.  "Sorry, love...must have you confused with someone else-"

I might have squeaked a bit at first there, but I recovered and grinned a little cheekily.  "No, you had it right the first time, Hollywood."

Now I had his full attention.  And I have to say, the look on his face was absolutely priceless as Uma bounded around the corner, her tummy well on display with this chic little clingy singlet.  He cocked his head and put his tongue on his lip.  "Well, what have we here?  Look at all the little mommies.... Jesus, Lotta!  You been a naughty girl?"  He giggled.  "You'll have to stop falling under flying men."

We had a reserved little family reunion, right there in the bookshop.  Nothing really wild, however.  I think we were all smart enough to realize that last thing Russ needed at the moment was snaps of him embracing two pregnant women next to a stack of books on sex and babies. 

He gave us both a look.  "So, let me get this straight....  Action man is firing live ones at last?"  Uma nodded and rubbed her belly.  Russ couldn't resist having a feel and saying his own hello... along with a giggle.  He grinned cheekily at her.  "Christ... really?  A panoramic lift?" 

"I like a good show, Russ."  He laughed.  "Thought you would appreciate that one."  Uma giggled and blushed.  It's a good look on her.  I can't wait to tell Terry.  He's probably never seen it.  Heh. 

Russ turned to me.  "And which one of my offspring was responsible for this little one?"  Clearly, he hadn't been keeping up with our lives.  With a recent movie premier and a newborn at home, I could certainly imagine why.  He looked happy.  And tired.  He ran his hand over my belly, familiar as you please.  With a little baby of his own at home, he was in full-blown papa mode.

He was utterly delighted when he found out I was Lach's girl and it was his little baby I was carrying.  So glad he, of all people, had found some peace.  He gave the two of us a look.  He was so chuffed about us both.  It was adorable.  And of course, he pulled out his wallet so we could see the snaps of little Charlie.  I think Uma and I both melted.  And Russ?  He was utterly besotted.  You should have seen the pride and love shining out of his eyes. 

Uma cooed over the pictures.  I couldn't help but stare at him a little.  Not because he was Russell Crowe, Movie Star, but because I was getting a glimpse of what my Lach would look like in ten years.  Heavier.  A little less smooth, a little more weathered... and somehow, more comfortable in his own skin.   

Russ shook his head and tucked his wallet away, giving us both a smile.  "Looks like I'm going to have to catch up...." 

We shook our heads... "No, don't tell anyone.... it isn't public yet."  He gave us a look.  

The whole encounter took maybe five minutes.  He snatched a random book off the shelf and used it to pretended to sign autographs for us while we caught up.  His eyes twinkled.  God, he's worse than Terry with his secret agent stuff.  He loved being in on it.  He turned the books over to us and winked.  "Well, anything I can do to fool the public... I'm your man." And then he gave us a hug and walked out into the summer sunshine without ever looking back.                                  

End of the story?  Not quite.  

That night in the hotel room, Uma and I were setting out our purchases- including the books we'd picked and the two we'd had to buy after Russ had written it them.  Terry walked by and picked a book up off the table.  "Jesus, Tink.  The Art of Kama Sutra?"  He opened the book to thumb through it and saw the inscription on the inside.  It was brief but poignant.

"Who the fuck wants your picture?"  He gave her a look.  "You get chatted up?"  He looked to me expectantly.  Hey!  How come he thinks I'm the one who's going to talk?! 

I grinned.  "It's a long story." 

Terry snorted.  "It better be a very short one, love." 

Lach, who'd been listening in from the couch were he was stuffing his face with chips, looked over.  "Sheesh, Blue... I hope he was cute at least...."

I giggled.  "Oh yeah.  Definitely."

Uma grinned.  "Actually, he looked a bit like your dad, Tez."

Terry's eyebrows went up.  "My dad?  Can't you get anything better than some old geezer these days?"

With a cheeky grin, we handed him the other book Russ had 'signed' for us.  It was an invitation to dinner at one of his private properties.  Uma and I had had a real giggle when we found it.  We should have known that Hollywood wouldn't have been able to let his offspring leave Oz without at least raising a celebratory pint with them- to say nothing of the fact he was the same as any other man.  He wanted to show off his boy.  So, there you have it.  The girls gossiped and cooed.  And the boys?  Well, let's just say they got a lesson in nappy changing.  From the master.    

FEBRUARY 2004

What a change.  We came back from Oz, golden and relaxed.  I was feeling better.  Less nausea- more energy.  I was in full nesting mode and loving it.  Still hadn't gained much weight but my shape was most definitely changing.  No way to hide my little belly now.  I didn't even try.  Lach loved it.  He was enamored with my new shape.  Couldn't keep his hands off it.   

As my body changed, so did the way we made love.  It became softer, sweeter.  More about showing each other love with our little baby cradled between us than it was about mind-blowing orgasms.  And you know what?  It was a hundred times more powerful.  Lach wanted it all the time.  Not because he was always randy but because I think that was the only way he really felt a part of what was happening inside of me.  He would put his body in mine and cradle me to his chest like I cradled our little baby.  His hands would rest on my belly, stroking us both with love and affection and soft words. 

The way we slept changed too.  He had always liked falling asleep with his head on my belly but there was hardly a night now where he didn't fall asleep with his cheek pressed against the round curve of my stomach or his hand curled around it protectively.  Some nights, I would wake up to find him playing with the baby.  Talking.  Whispering silly things.  Pushing back against a tiny foot or pointy elbow.  The baby was always active at night.  Our doctor says it because when I move during the day, the baby feels the rocking motion and is lulled to sleep by it, and conversely, is awake when I am still and at rest. 

It has sort of become Lach's special time with our little baby.  Having lost two children of his own, he steals all the time he can, making golden moments to tuck away into his secret heart, safe, for always.  He sings lullabies to us.  Makes midnight runs for strawberry milk.  Rubs my feet and my back.  My body already feels too small for this baby.  I can't imagine how Uma must feel.  She's even more slender than I am. 

The more fragile and needy I become, the more Lach loved it.  Like he finally had a part now.  I think my favorite times are when we make love at night when the baby's really active and I can't sleep.  With a pillow supporting my belly, Lach spoons up behind me and slips inside.  The rocking motion soothes all of us, I think.  Not like passion.  Like love.  Sometimes, we just fall asleep like that together, rocking. 

With my renewed energy, Lach and I filled up February with lots of plans.  Our holiday was over.  He was back to work, flying Terry off to Guatemala.  I invited Dino to come stay for a while and then Uma and Terry had invited Lach and I and Hando and Tina for an informal Valentine's holiday.  You might think it an odd grouping... but not so.  At least not after Hando broke the news to us.  Tina was expecting as well. 

He'd taken her to Oz for their honeymoon... went to His Beach... you know the one... Found his portal, it seems.  Judging by his reaction, I think maybe Hando found something else as well.  And after the Valentine holiday was over, Terry and I had decided since we were just a hop, skip and jump away that Scotland had waited long enough.  We intended to have our trip, just with one extra little passenger along for the ride.  Lach and Uma made plans as well.  Hando told us all to get fucked.  That he had a real job and couldn't flit about when he had a fucking shop to run.  Man, I love that guy.  Heh.   

So Lach flew out, bound for Guatemala with Terry no doubt in full K and R mode- and Dino flew in.  He'd never been to our home before.  I was so excited for him to see it- and so excited to see him.  Even told him I'd even leave the lights on.  Heh.  And as always, the moment his car stopped in my drive and he stepped out into the cool wind and gave me that little smirk he does... well, I just melted. 

APRIL 2004

Hermanas,

Again, I find myself prompted by my conscience to admit I have edited her account.  And again, I do not ask for, nor expect your forgiveness for being so damned selfish.  She wanted to share these words about our time together.  I find that I do not.  The more time that passes without word from them, the more little details I want to keep just for myself.            

Abrazos,
Dino

So, Dino left, and I have to say, Lach was glad to see the back of him.  Not that he doesn't like Dino, but he's still uncomfortable with the notion that in my past, I seem to have a closer tie to one of his Brothers than I do to him.  His upset seemed to be forgotten, however, as we all arrived in London for our Valentine's holiday with the Thorne family.

Just thinking of it makes me laugh.  Terry was so..... Terry.  Pleasant enough on the flight over, but so antsy.  It made me think of the message he'd left for Lach on our answering machine. 

So, how's the jet, Flip? You better be ready when I call- this place is getting on my tits big time. Expect to be finished by the 8th or 9th and then a quick stop in NY before home- either pick Heather up on the way or get her to meet us in the Big A. Hando and Tina can hop on board there, too.

By the way- give me a break that first night. Arrange a foursome out or something- insist on it. I want some time alone with my lady- got it?

Cheers, mate

Terry

So, Terry got some (apparently much needed!) alone time with his girl and Lach and I hit the town with Hando and Tina.  My God.  I don't even have the words to describe what that night was like.  Not sure I could do the Valentine holiday justice either.  Bet you never in a hundred years ever imagined those three rugged Aussies playing charades.... but what can I say?  The girls might not have been able to drink- but I'm happy to report the men managed to drink their share... and ours as well.  And then they really got going. 

You simply haven't lived until you've seen Terry Thorne affect that accent, swing his hips and make a grab for Lach's butt while Hando glared at us all and growled out, "Come near my arse, Precious, and I will break your fucking arm!"  As it turns out, the only casualty that night was the couch- and I'm not going to tell whether that had anything to do with charades... or not.  Heh.

But for all our silliness and the bonding that went on between the girls and boys both, there were some incredibly heartfelt moments as well.  I'm not sure what Terry or Hando gave their women for Valentine's Day.  For all our playing that afternoon, we spent the evening apart.  None of them are really the sort to care to share their intimate emotional moments in the company of another man.

Lach and I exchanged gifts after a quiet, romantic picnic we had on the floor of our room.  He'd transformed it, much like he had our family room at Christmas- except this time, it was candlelight and a red satin blanket spread under what had to be a hundred paper hearts suspended from the ceiling. 

He gave me a little black box.  I gave him one too.  His Christmas gift of pennies had inspired me.  A few weeks later, I'd remembered an old Aussie penny I'd found among my mother's treasured keepsakes.  I had no idea why she'd kept it, but it must have been precious to her for her to have kept it for so long.  It seemed a fitting gift.  It was an odd penny with a crude 'A' scratched into the back and the date said 1917, the year Lach was born.  I took it to a jeweler and had them set it in a simple gold setting with a clasp at the top so he could attach it to a set of keys or a leather thong if he wanted. 

He smiled as he saw the coin's face when he opened the box and then the color drained from his cheeks as he turned the coin over.  His eyes flew to mine.  "Where did you get this?"

His voice was sharp and his tone frightened me.  Did he not like it?  Why was he so disturbed?  "Lach?"

He fingered the 'A' scratched into the back of it and asked me again, "Where did you get this, girl?"  His hands were trembling. 

So I told him.  It had belonged to my mother.  I'd found it among her things after she died and thought he would like it.  Like I'd liked the pennies he'd given me at Christmas-

He interrupted my explanation.  "It's mine, Blue."  He said it so softly.  There were tears in his eyes.

"What?"  What did he mean 'his'?  It was just a penny from Oz, wasn't it?  

"It's mine," he said again.  "My- my dad... he gave us each a lucky penny with our birth date on it before we went to war.  Can't have too much luck, hey?"  He couldn't seem to stop touching it.  "The 'A'..... it's for Angus, my brother.  After he died-"  He paused and swallowed hard, more than a little choked up at the memory.  "After he died, I scratched his initial there to remind me of why I was fighting."  He looked up.  "But I gave this to-" 

A shiver ran through me as I recalled the words he'd written to me in Oz- the story of his past. 

Six months came and went.  I smoked too much.  Drank more.  Ate less than I should have.  Flirted with some gorgeous island women.  Fucked a few as well.  More than a few.  Smoked a little opium in the Orient.  Read a lot of books.  Swam in the ocean.  Saved the life of a little girl who'd gotten caught in a current when the tide changed at some beach in Hawaii.  She'd have been about my child's age if Lil had lived.  Gave her the good luck charm I'd carried with me all through the war.  Cute as a button, she was.  Berry brown with dark curly hair.  Atonement for the children I'd lost, I reckoned.  

His voice shook as he turned the coin over in his fingers.  "Blue, your Mum.... she lived in Hawaii, didn't she?"

I nodded, almost unable to breathe.  "Yes, as a girl.  She moved to the mainland for college...."

"Jesus.... it was her.... that girl I pulled out of the water that afternoon...."

It was almost more than I could wrap my mind around, and yet... it was so utterly right.  All this time he'd wondered why it seemed my past was more closely linked to one of his Brothers than to him... and yet, if it wasn't for him and his one fleeting brush with my mother so many years ago, I wouldn't have even been born at all.

I looked up at him.  This beautiful wonderful man had saved her.  He'd saved me, too- in every way a person can be saved.  What would my life be without him?  I rubbed my belly and closed his fingers over the coin that now connected three generations of my family.  My mother, me and now our precious little baby... none of whom would have existed if it weren't for the man sitting across from me.

My life... my love.

For ever and always.