APRIL 2004

Hermanas,

Her last words- to me, to all of us.  I found them to be somehow both too much and not nearly enough.

Abrazos,
Dino

FEBRUARY 2004

We left London with heavy hearts, but somehow, stronger than we had ever been.  We never again spoke of what happened, probably because there was no need to.  We all knew it would never happen again.  On the eve of our departure, soft and warm, wrapped up in each other's arms, Lachlan and I made a pledge to each other.  Until the baby was born, we would only share our bodies with each other.  We sealed it with a kiss. 

I wonder, now, if it was fate we tempted.  Or Dea.

It was a slow time for us.  Peaceful.  I grew round and happy.  Something seemed to settle in Lachlan.  Some low growling in his breast quieted and for the first time, he seemed truly content to bask in the quiet heart of his life.  A home.  A family.  Love. 

One rainy Wednesday afternoon at my Doctor's office, I lay back on the table with cold oozy gel on my belly and Lachlan and I saw our little baby's face for the very first time.  It yawned and sucked its thumb.  We declined to know the sex.  With its swishy, rhythmic heartbeat echoing in our ears, we held each other.  Wet eyes.  Soft smiles.  Full hearts. 

It was the best afternoon I have ever had.

MARCH 2004

A few days later, life intruded as it always does.  Lachlan was due to fly Terry to Africa.  He hated to leave us but I could tell he was feeling the urge to get in the wind.  Lachlan needs that delirious burning blue to breathe, to thrive.  He truly is a wild thing at heart.  He stays because he loves us, because we anchor him and give him the things he needs to fill the empty holes in him.  But he also needs the wind to take him wherever it will.  And to be honest, I wouldn't want him any other way. 

He was torn.  He wanted to go.  He wanted to stay.  We made love in the early morning light.  He tried to leave, pulling away only to groan and fall back into bed with a giggle and 'C'mon, Blue... just let me...." 

I did.  And it was gorgeous.  

We said our goodbyes there, in bed.  We spoke private words of hope and love and those silly things all couples say upon parting.  He gave us both a kiss goodbye- me on my lips and our little baby on the soft curve of my expanding belly.  It kicked back and he laughed.  He didn't want to leave us alone but I assured him I'd be fine, that I was pregnant not an invalid.  Besides, we have a phone and neighbors.....

He rolled his eyes and grinned.  Told me he'd already been to see the neighbor man.  That he'd be watching over me and that his wife would be coming by to check on me twice a day.  Sheesh.  I felt like a little kid.  And I felt really, really loved.  We shared a soft kiss goodbye.  He knelt by the bed.  Said a little prayer.  Tucked me in and then left with a twinkle in his eye, a bounce in his step and a kiss blown back at me.  For luck, he said. 

For luck.  

Late the following afternoon, I was chatting with the neighbor lady out on the back deck but when the phone started ringing, my round little body just couldn't get inside fast enough to answer it.  I pressed the blinking red light on the answering machine and felt my heart warm as a familiar voice crackled out, rich and smoky.       

Blue....?  BLUE?!  Where are you, love?  ..................  Bugger it!  Guess you're out.  Damn.  Been dreaming of you breathing soft in my ear for two days now.  Heh.  We're about to go out of range...... you know me..... couldn't leave without one last goodbye.  Been thinking about you both.  A lot.  Reckon after we have the baby.... you think you can keep the tummy?  Jesus.... I love it so much...... love you. 

Job's going sweet as a biscuit.  Terry's a bastard.  We're having the best time, of course.  Reckon I'll give him the Curry Air speech when we take off again.  Wind him up some more.....  God, I love my job.  Have to go now, love.....  You keep yourself and the little one safe and don't you worry one bit about me.  I lead a charmed life.  Got this bonzer little lucky penny, too.  Wearing it right now next to the ring you gave me.  Hangs over my heart.  Missing you heaps.  Love you, Blue.  Ever and always, girl... and don't you forget it. 

The line crackled and went dead.  The answering machine droned on.  You have no new messages....  It just broke my heart that I'd missed his call, but that's life.  At least I had his message to play over and over.  And I did.  I am certifiable.  Head over heels in love and adoring every single minute of it. 

My happy world came crashing down a few days later when Uma called me out of the blue, desperate and heartsick, moments from being kicked out of this World.  You know the rest of the story.  A call from Dino.  A call to Terry.  A call from Lach.  A hurried flight back across two continents and one major ocean. 

And a story poured out here.  A record.  Just in case.    

MARCH 12, 2004

So.  This is it, I guess.  The last of my blank pages.  We're leaving in the morning for the Temple to face Dea.  Judgment day?  It feels like it.  Paying the piper?  Punishment for our sins?  Atonement for the secrets we kept for far too long?  I don't know.  I don't suppose it really matters.  If you're reading this, then perhaps some of each.  Maybe none at all.  I don't think we were ever meant to understand the divine.

 

I walk to the horizon
And there I find another

 

Strange that the words that echoed in my mind when I first came to this world would have such poignancy now.  I am not a wise woman, but I do know this:  Tomorrow, I will walk to the horizon at Lachlan's side and we will face it together.  It remains to be seen if we will find another.  If we do, I hope we are together.  If we do and I have gone on alone.... My precious, precious Lachlan.... know that I will carry you in my heart all the days of my life.  Our little baby will never know a day without love and the knowledge that you truly are the best of men. 

To the others- what can I say?  I am a better person for having known you all.  Friendship and laughter, sorrow and joy.  Each thread, each golden memory, will be a part of the tapestry of my life forever.  Sisterhood and friendship weaving into my life these gifts: hope, faith, truth, grace, prudence, joy, love, trust and lastly, peace. 

I am not afraid anymore.  I do not go to the horizon alone.  Lachlan is with me and inside my breast are the golden moments that are the true treasures of my life.  Egan's smile.  Arthur's laughter.  Jack's quiet, enduring strength... and so many others that I would need a library of pages to even begin to share it all. 

And to those who've touched my heart so deeply?  There are no words I can leave that will ever express how very much it has meant to me to have you color my life.  What could I possibly say as I close my eyes and bring each of your faces to mind?

Nash.  My Gabriel.  Thank you for the brilliant, beautiful mind and the compassion that allowed me to touch the divine and make life with the man I love.

Bud.  Your picture only grew more beautiful to me as the sand was blown from the cracks.  Monet has nothing on you. 

Hando.  Aslan.  You will always be a lion among men.  I count getting to glimpse your true heart among my most precious gifts.  Any child would be blessed to have you for a father.

Maximus.  Gentle bellus.  I write your name and smile.  I humbly thank you for the appreciation of tomorrow and for the glimpse of the man who still likes to feel the tickle of wheat against his palm.  This girl will miss her boy.   

Terry.  Charlie.  We have already said our goodbye.  The tears and love that remain have become the earth and the water of the harbor that will be yours until the end of time. 

Dean.  Friend and lover.  That little horse statue you hope to earn one day?  It has been yours for many years.  Thank you.  For everything.  And you know I couldn't leave without giving up one last secret....  I loved you too much to ever entertain 'what if'.          

 

And if I go, while you're still here.....

Know that I still live on,
Vibrating to a different measure
behind a thin veil you cannot see through.

You will not see me,
so you must have faith.

I wait the time when we can soar together again,
both aware of each other.

Until then, live your life to the fullest.
And when you need me,
just whisper my name in your heart,
.......I will be there.

 

Goodbye, dearest Dean

I'll miss you all.

Heather

APRIL 2004

Hermanas,

When I woke up this morning, that was playing from a radio I'd left cold and dark, preferring to be alone with my thoughts.  So, serendipity?  Luck?  Dea?  I don't know.  I just know there are no easy answers.  No simple fixes.  Life is messy.  It hurts.  The deeper we dig, the harder and more painful the struggle... the stronger we grow and the more fulfilling the rewards.  Terry.  Gen.  Uma.  Heather.  They are the lessons and the rewards of my life.  The grit and the gilt.   

She's lost to me.  They all are... and yet, somehow, twined with that is the feeling none of them are really lost at all.  I am still angry.  I am still hurt.  I will never escape the reality of my coarse humanity; will never escape my mortal coil and those ugly truths she spoke of that we all carry inside us.  Selfishness.  Hypocrisy.  And yet, I am also able to grasp the finer things.  Grace.  Compassion.  Love.

I hurt.  I bleed.  I grow stronger.  

Some people come into our lives and quickly go.  Some stay for a while and leave footprints on our hearts and we are never, ever the same.  As you can see, I am still plagued by quotes that ruin a perfectly good brood.  Her words- I have turned them over in my mind a hundred times.  Something had always niggled at me.  This morning, as I watched the sun rise, it hit me.  Those words of hers that started it all.... I knew that song.  Anywhere Is.  Appropriate, don't you think?  She always did like her secrets.  One last puzzle for me.  Still, a quick download on my laptop and I had my answer. 

Typical of her.  Typical of life.  It seems we have both all the answers and none of them.  It just depends on your perspective and what secrets you're trying to uncover.  I know, now, what was niggling at me.  The horizon she spoke of?  It is a simple extract from the middle of a song... and I can't help but wonder if this new horizon isn't simply another stop along the way, the middle of her journey.  She told me once she loves our word games because she never wins.  She likes the challenge.  I think I've trumped her yet again.  She pulled from the middle.  I will take the end, as it always seems I do in life.    

Island Girl, wherever you are... I refuse to believe it's the end.   I have not said goodbye.  Somehow, I know that you're smiling in that way that makes your eyes light up because I've gotten the last word.  I hope you know I'm smiling too... because I know you're much too stubborn to ever let that go unchallenged.  And if I am wrong.... well, I have a few last words of my own.

I love you.  Be happy.  I am.

Dean