LACHLAN

I jumbled the change in my pocket and gave it some thought as I wandered aimlessly along the high street. I'd been walking the best part of the day until I had finally gone back to the flat. They weren't there. It hurt that she hadn't been waiting for me to return, desperately worried about what had happened to me in that mood.

No, Heather had just gone out and left me to it. What did I expect? She was probably glad to see the back of me.

So, something to eat or something to drink? I eyed the chip shop and then looked at the more inviting oak doors of the pub across the road. It didn't take me long to make up my mind.

Pushing open the door, I walked across the worn carpet, burnt here and there by cigarettes casually ground out. This was no uptown bar but a rather seedy working men's local. Just the familiar kind of hotel I used to drink in back home years ago where you follow the smell of stale beer and the walls are varnished with a brown layer of tobacco deposit. It was quiet, still early, just a few staunch old drunks already settled in for the night. Wonder if they had wives back home who were glad to see the back of them? This how it starts?

"Pint of bitter."

A hard-faced older woman gave me a passing glance as she pulled the pint and set it down. I counted out the change. 

"Couple of moths with that lot...been saving up, lovie?"

I shrugged and smiled, a little embarrassed that she had read me so well. I took the glass and drank it down too quickly, aware that I should have stretched it out but grateful for the immediate buzz. "Another when you're ready, love...." I shouted over.

I broke a note for that. That meant I would have a third. I knew I would. 

This time, I let it sit and watched the early evening news on the TV without really taking much in. I was in my own head but the TV gave me an excuse for not making any conversation. Time ticked by and I let my thoughts roam. Not sure I can recall them really. They were mostly scudding clouds, little wisps of half grasped images and old memories with that overtone of the erotic that often gears a man up even when he is not consciously thinking dirty thoughts.

I felt slightly aroused without knowing why, just a heavy pulling in my groin and a restless sensation. There were no overt sexual images but just a latent awareness of my sexuality. I wanted to feel like a man. Something crazy and mixed up like that.

My cell phone beeped its tiny ring tone and I noticed the warning that I was out of credit flashed up. Like I need that bloody contraption to remind me of my problems? Out of credit. Out of luck. Out of my tiny mind.

"Yeah?" I answered.

There was a slight pause and then a choked sound. I wondered if it was some crank call and almost laughed to think that only someone with a problem worse than mine wanted to talk to me. That's how wrapped up in my own self pity I was. "Lach?"

"Uma? That you? I can't hear you. Thought this was a dirty phone call. Heavy breathing..." I tried for a joke but all I got was tears. She simply broke down and cried. I didn't know what was going on but wondered immediately if she was safe. I'd been told that the alert about their safety was over - but you never know.

"Uma...where's Terry? He away? Why did you call me and not Terry? Talk to me, girl!" I jumped up and drained my pint and was already out of the door and running for the nearest tube station.

"I can't talk to him! Lach...oh Lach, I feel so..." The line went dead and I stared at the damn phone. No reception. Must have been the escalator I was on whisking me down into the bowels of the earth to reach my platform. My phone was not exactly the state of the art and I easily got cut off if reception was poor.

During the long trip across town, I worried about her, almost glad to have another focus for my thoughts than the usual problems and frustrations. Those I was incapable of solving anyway. Here was a situation that I could do something about. Help my Betty. Just like I had done so many times before. See her looking at me like I was a really fine man, slaying her demons and plucking her from the face of danger again. I'm ashamed to say I thought more of that than I actually did about the extent of the trauma she was in. You never know with Uma. She could be attacked by mad dogs or simply have burnt the dinner. It was always a crisis to her. Quite often the big things she sails through but the little ones seem to bring her up short.

It was a stride from the tube station to her city apartment in a very desirable area. Well, Dino O'Leary's little pad, the one he owns for the few times a year he stops over any length of time in London. Imagine having a home empty for most of the year? I shook my head at the absurdity and waste of the wealthy, although O'Leary wouldn't even consider himself rich. Last time I was in his company he was moaning about school fees, property prices and airfares. I bleed for him.

Jogging up the steps and into the marble sleek of the atrium, I made for the elevators, was called back to show some ID and state my business, and then allowed up to the apartment. As the lift doors slid open, I stepped out onto a thick carpet and followed the corridor down to the plain discreet wooden door and rang the bell. There was an intercom and I leant over to identify myself. Terry is justifiably paranoid about security. Well, we have Tristan who is better than a herd of geese....

"C'mon, Bet.... open up... it's me...." I knocked at the door impatiently and heard someone approach.

There was the sound of an electronic code being tapped. "Lach? Wait...let me get this security thingy..."

I smiled at her comment, imagining the drills Terry had put her through and her usual absentminded muddling through. 

"You just do that... last thing we need is the cops, hey?"

Then the door opened and there she was, looking pale but smiling anyway as she whooped: "Good to see you!"

I looked her up and down and missed nothing; she had been crying and her attempts at good humour were blatantly faked. "It's good to see you, too...." I muttered and swooped her up for a hug. It felt good to hold her. She did not shrink away from me as Heather usually does these days but relaxed into my hold. I caught the aroma of the expensive perfume she had used. She smelt and felt expensive and womanly and well groomed and sophisticated. Everything about her seemed to catch in my senses, from her shining hair worn loose, through the casually elegant clothes she was wearing to the clinging needy hold she had on my shoulders.

This is how a man feels when a woman is grateful for his presence. "What's wrong, sweetheart?"

Uma did not reply, simply muttering, "Oh Lachlan...!" and squeezing me tight around the neck, her head buried against my shoulder. I felt her hand pat my back in a comforting way. "You do not know how much I needed that today...!"

I bent down and gave her a little kiss on her cheek. "Like I wouldn't greet you that way?  My best girl?" It sounded falsely bright even to me as I hid my pleasure at being in her company behind my usual façade of cheeky affectionate banter.

She rolled her eyes at my comment. "You are all talk, mate!" But I answered her with a full on hug, swinging her round. She merely giggled and wriggled out of my hold. "Well, come in then! Make yourself comfortable!"

At that I mimed unfastening my shirt and unzipping my pants, winking at her before flopping down on the couch and patting my knee for her to join me. All I got was a warning finger waggled in my direction but a broad smile to go with it. She already looked brighter.

"So where's my other best girl?" I asked looking around for Maia. "She still up?"

"Maia? She's in the kitchen. I was just going to feed her some supper and put her to bed...come and see your new best girl, then!" I followed her through the spotless designer apartment, wondering at how she kept it so baby-free and imagining the destruction Tristan could wreak on this elegant loft space.

The kitchen was brighter than the rest and Uma had clearly stamped more of herself on this room, with lots of greenery to break up the stainless steel and glass surfaces. There were bunches of irises and daffodils in vases, herbs on the window sills and bright pottery scattered around. It was messy and full of the mayhem of family life: washing thrown unfolded into a basket, the signs of a meal in preparation, newspapers in an untidy stack on a work surface and an overflowing garbage pail. It was a little more comforting to see that even high flyers like Terry come home to a messy pile.

But my attention was soon taken by the prettiest little girl I have ever seen. Maia Thorne herself, sitting in her high chair, as good as gold, dressed in pink pyjamas and playing with a little white soft cloth bunny rabbit.

"Heya, gorgeous!" I exclaimed. "Nice jammies and who's your friend there?"

And then, almost as if God intended to stick the knife in even further, this perfect little girl held up her arms to me, gave me a big toothy grin and shouted: "UP!"

I have never found it easy to ignore beautiful women and I wasn't about to start now. Scooping her up - and the bunny too, I swung her into my arms and she automatically gripped round my neck. She smelt of clean baby, that uniquely after bath baby scent that makes you feel purified just to inhale it. This beautiful child showed me her little soft toy and chuckled: "Cunny!"

I pulled a face and choked on a laugh. "What did she just say?"

Uma giggled fondly at her little girl and stroked back her curls, raising her eyebrows. "She means Bunny! I do not know why she keeps saying that!"

"No?" I cocked an eyebrow saucily while Maia grabbed my nose in her little fingers, then stuck them in my mouth before suddenly leaning forward and giving me some wet open-mouthed kisses. She is a very affectionate child.

I kissed her back; she wrinkled up her nose and shivered with pleasure at the feel of my stubbly face against her peachy skin. "I can't wait till you're sixteen, love... and giving these two a run for their money....You will be a glorious handful...!"

"It's really bizarre!" Uma exclaimed. "She loves men. If there's a man in the room she just ignores women - even me....honestly...."

I swallowed down the memory of Tristan screaming and lunging for his mother if I tried to pick him up. This little girl was more affectionate already in five minutes than my own son had been in the past month. "Nothing wrong with that....Makes quite a nice change actually...." I murmured bitterly to myself while I played with Maia and the little bunny rabbit toy.

"Hey, Lach? Want to give her her milk?" Uma shouted over. I frowned. 

"Do I have the right equipment for that?" I patted my tits. 

"No, this! Her bottle!" And she held up a baby bottle of milk she had warmed up, waving it at me. "This is the unisex method. Means the fellas can get up at night as well. I think I like it...!"

I grinned and she tossed the bottle over as I settled down on a chair with Maia snuggled in the crook of my arm. I upended the bottle and she latched on sucking away and staring up at me. I love that eye contact they make and those little chuckles when she tried to say something in her baby talk and the milk would run down her cheek as she let go of the teat. She was sleepy and more interested in play than feed. I could imagine Tristan would have drained it in one gulp and then started moaning with wind.

"That's a good girl...come on now...stop laughing...drink up. I know you prefer the real thing Mummy has - reckon I do to - but sup up anyway darlin'!" I chucked her little dimpled chin.

Uma watched me and smiled. "Well, you'll both be disappointed. There's no milk left at the inn these days..."

"No?" I asked surprised. "Weaned already then? Has it been that long since we've last had a natter?"

"Yeah...two months...time flies, hey? Terry thought it best after what happened. I was really weak after that...he said it was taking too much out of me."

"How are you holding up now?" I wondered if she was having problems with her nerves again, like after Raul. Who would blame her if depression had got hold of her again at this point? And Terry still leaves her alone a lot.

She shrugged by way of response. I wasn't having that, so I dug a little more, rocking the baby in my arms as she sucked at the bottle. "Your call have anything to do with that business back then? Uma, shouldn't you be calling Terry if you feel down? Is he away?"

She sighed deep. "I'm sorry I called you. I was just being stupid. I shouldn't have involved you. Forget about before, hey?"

I shook my head. "I can't. Just try and stop me, Betty!"

She changed the subject. I knew her ducking and diving well. Now I knew I had hit a nerve somehow. "You eaten? I was just going to have something when I got her off..."

"I could eat..." She turned as if to prepare food but I reached out a hand and grabbed her arm gently. "Stop...! Tell me what's going on..."

She looked down at me and nodded. "Get her to sleep and then we'll sit down and have a natter, hey? It's been a long time. Too long..."

"It sure has been... you just let me have a cuddle here with this little girl and then I'll be right back...." She had not answered when I had mentioned Terry. I was sure that he was behind her current state. What had he done? Was she worried about him or angry at him? I couldn't imagine he had hurt her. He adores her too much. But something was up. I stood up still rocking Maia, putting her over my shoulder and rubbing her back."Will steak do? I just happen to have one going spare," she murmured in a voice that suggested she had already considered throwing Terry's dinner in the rubbish. We were getting closer to revelation here every minute.

"Steak?  Yeah... I think I might be able to choke that down..." I grinned.

"I've not got much to go with it, just some potato salad, a green salad and some crusty bread..."

I decided to let her take her own sweet time and danced out of the kitchen with Maia in a waltz, singing softly to her as we went and holding her tiny chubby hand in mine. As much as I wanted to help her Mum, I also wanted some quality time with this little cherub. I'm a real soft touch for babies - always have been.

I found the nursery, if you could call it that. It was actually more of a guest room in the usual cool style of this ultra fashionable apartment. It had some oriental theme, a low bed and pale walls with unusual pieces of furniture. In this midst of this was a beautiful cradle completely incongruent with the surroundings as were the changing table and the cupboard full of baby toys and equipment. Maia let out a loud burp then; I laughed and set her down in the cradle. She lay back gurgling and playing with a little bit of milk spit. I found a tissue and wiped her mouth. She was calm and sleepy, chattering to me and the pretty mobile that swung above her, made up of sea creatures in bright colours. I tapped it until it spun around and whispered softly to her. Then I flopped down on the floor and played with her through the rails, singing a little lullaby that Tristan likes. I whispered to her: "Wish Tris was at sweet to me as you are, gorgeous!" It gave me a sense of peace as her little eyelids drooped and her eyelashes fluttered until she let out a little sigh and fell asleep, her hands curled up by her head. I stood up and leaned over, planting a kiss on her chubby cheek.

Looking up, I found Uma watching me, a dreamy look on her face. She looked embarrassed to have been caught. "Er....rare, medium or well done?"

"Stop fussing, girl! Put it on a plate...You know how I like it anyway...."

I wondered if she might take my comment wrong. I hadn't meant it to sound like a double meaning but her mind seemed to be on a completely different track when she murmured back; "Terry is so rarely here at bedtime. It's good to see a man with her. There's something so right about seeing Daddy put a child to bed..." She slipped away and I stayed awhile thinking and watching over the sleeping child.

When I knew she was deeply settled, I covered her over and then picked up the little white rabbit, holding it in my hand and dancing it back to Uma, making it hop along the work surface in the kitchen making silly voices. "So how's your Cunny, Uma?" I waggled my eyebrows and the bunny did a somersault.

She threw a dishcloth at me. "I'm not giving you any wine, you nutcase. You're already crazy enough!" But she poured out a large glass of red anyway. I raised my drink but she just lifted a glass of mineral water to clink with mine.

"I don't normally touch the stuff..." Which was true, in a sense. I can't afford it. This was a strong hearty Cabernet. I gulped it and then set down my glass; she refilled it before returning to her cooking. I watched her moving about with that graceful ease a woman has in her own kitchen. As she passed close to me to gather the salt and pepper and some napkins, I reached for her hand. She seemed to be fussing around as if she was simply doing things to hide her agitated state.

"Sit... talk....What is going on, Uma?" I settled her down at the table and sat opposite her. The food was already set and the smell of it was beginning to distract me.

"I just got a bit upset about something. I'm alright now, really I am...go on...eat...it will go cold..." She began to say but I knew the tears were not far away again.

I leaned across and touched her face, stroking the puffy tender skin underneath her eyes gently. "Tell me, love..."

"I can't...It's personal..."

"I used to be good at slaying your dragons..." She closed her eyes and bit her lip when I reminded her of the past. "Is it Terry? Has he upset you? Do I need to slay the knight as well?"

There was a silence when she seemed to be weighing things up. I picked up my knife and fork and began to eat, unable to wait any longer, trying to make it appear that I was just giving her time, not feeding my hungry face. Jesus, that slab of steak tasted good.

"I know you're always there for me...That's why I called you. Then I knew I shouldn't have. Those days are gone, Lachlan. It's not possible anymore for us to fall back into that old relationship..." She picked up her fork but just played with it, nibbling a small piece of steak but hardly making any inroads. I caught myself watching her and wondered if she would leave it and maybe I could finish it for her - and then I berated myself for being so uncaring when she was obviously struggling with some major dilemma.

So I put down my fork and focused on her. "Why not?  I'm still me... you're still you....We were always friends before anything else, you know? It wasn't the other stuff really. It was close friends first and foremost...and there's nothing wrong with that..."

She smiled and sniffed, stroking my hand. "We sure were friends. And we still are- but this is about me and Terry. I'm not sure I should be talking about personal things about the two of us to anyone..."

I scrutinized her face and gave her a searching look. "So you called me because you didn't want to talk?"

But she was already rambling on in her stream of consciousness fashion. At times like that she doesn't make a lot of sense unless you hang on in and wait until she says the thing that makes it all hang together.

"...He went nuts when he realised I'd told Heather..."

I pricked my ears up at the mention of her name. "...Told Heather what? When did you see Heather?"

"I saw her today..."

"...Where?" But she was off and running.

"...Tris is so funny - and such a big boy!"

I smiled, unable to resist showing my pride in my beautiful son. "Takes after his dad, hey?" I swaggered.

"My God, he was running about and into everything! Chasing butterflies and nearly fell in the lake....we were in Hyde Park..."

I imagined what the afternoon must have been like; it had been sunny and mild. That's where I should have been. Rolling over on the grass with my boy, with Heather sitting there laughing at our antics, her thick hair falling in her eyes as she crinkled her eyes against the sun. One day we had to spend together as a family and I bloody well walked out in a childish tantrum because I couldn't get my own way. What was the matter with me? No wonder she went out and left me to it. I didn't deserve any more patience from her.

"Wish I could have seen it..." I murmured.

"Well, now you mention it, Tris did run off without his nappy at one point when she was changing him. Oh yes, that boy certainly takes after his Dad..."

I found myself blushing at the affectionate comment and smiled. What man doesn't want to hear his son praised as being a real little boy - or for a woman to remind him that he, too, is an impressive man? I ducked my head to hide my emotional reaction but suddenly realized that she had effectively ducked my real question just as easily as her bloke would have done. She is every bit as evasive as he is. What had she told Heather that had so annoyed Terry?

"Yeah, he's got a habit of that..." she looked at me confused. I waggled my hand vaguely. "Runs off naked...he loves to let it all hang out. Climbed up on the couch the other day when I was on the floor and wee'd on me. Raindrops keep falling on my head, hey?"

She smiled and picked up her fork. We continued to eat in silence - she continued to push her food around. "You gonna eat that?" I asked suddenly. She raised her head and said she wasn't much hungry, offering her plate for me to help myself to the steak.

"Do you ever wonder if we made a mistake?"

I was busy eating and her comment took awhile to sink in. "Mistake? In what way?"

She shrugged. "I don't know. Maybe we should just have played by the rules and never tried to test the boundaries... Maybe we would have been happier then?"

I eyed her up. "Like... you and me? Or do you mean coming here?"

"From the start...having babies and stuff...maybe we should never have pushed it to the limit..."

I wasn't having that. What was she on about? Snorting in disgust, I broke in. "...You think so?  You'd still be happy with musical beds?  That worth more than the gorgeous little girl in the next room?" I was annoyed at her. I thought she had more about her than that. It wasn't like Uma to give up so easily and I knew what she was saying was not what she really thought. Good God, even in my worst hours I have never ever wished for a return to that farce.

Uma exhaled deeply and put her face in her hands. "No, of course not...I don't know what I'm talking about. It's just ....I don't know...It was less complicated then. I mean, you just acted without thinking half the time...anything goes, you know? Pleasure without consequence..."

She was beginning to annoy me now. I felt my chin shoot up and belligerence rising in me. "Don't talk such crap..."

"What I'm saying is..." She gave up. "You're right. I don't mean that. I wouldn't change anything for the world! Maia is worth everything to me!"

"They both are..."

"Yes...they both are...It's just that...sometimes I get scared..."

"We all do. That's life."

"Sometimes you just want to run and hide. That is what it was. I suddenly wished I had a place to hide..."

"Well, I still say it's better to live in the sun - even if it means the sky might fall on your head from time to time, love...better than hiding like some scared rabbit in a hole somewhere......" I picked the bunny rabbit up and wiggled him at her. She suddenly grinned, resting her elbows on the table. That's when she just caved in and the whole story came pouring out: "I had a big fight today with Heather, so you could say the sky did start to fall in a bit..."

 "...You too?" Her head snapped up at that comment.

"You and Heather got problems?"

"Who doesn't?" I replied. "Or has Heather said something?"

Uma shook her head. "She didn't say."

"No?" I couldn't keep the cynical edge out of my voice. I know women. They can't keep their bloody mouths shut.

"No, she didn't say - but she wouldn't, would she? She would never be so indiscreet!"

I was surprised at her staunch defence but still not sure I was buying it. 

"She bloody would!" I muttered truculently.

"No, she would not! She is not like me who tells the world about everything." I smiled at that. Not true, Uma. You tell the world everything BUT what is really on your mind.

I trumped her card. "So, if the world already knows.... what's wrong with telling me then? Or would you really rather that I buggered off then?"

She sat back in her chair and joined her hands together as if she meant business. "I assure you Heather has never ever revealed anything about your life together. She is your greatest defender - but you look like you could use a good mate about now. And so do I....Lachlan....I'm worried that I might be pregnant..."

"WHAT?" This was what had got her so upset? She might be pregnant? That was bad news? "Worried? What do you mean - worried?"

"Well, we didn't plan on two," she explained lamely.

"Baby? You're expecting another baby? That's just so wonderful...Betty...another beautiful baby? I don't know what to say." I was totally overcome by this news. It just knocked me for six. My God, my eyes were tearing up at the thought of her pregnant again.

"Lach! Lach, you're crying!" she smiled fondly at me. I was still mumbling incoherently and wiping my eyes on the back of my hands.

"That's fantastic news....sorry, can't help m'self. Weddings and babies always get me just there."

Uma was shaking her head. "I can't believe you said that after what Terry said!"

"What did Terry say?" I asked her sharply. Suddenly the whole thing was falling into place.

"I think he wants me to have a termination and I can't do that, Lachlan. I just can't...I swear I'd lose him before I did that."

"Termination?" I thought I knew what the word meant these days but it seemed so shocking that I began to wonder had I got it wrong.

"An abortion. Get rid of it."

I could hardly believe my ears. Terry had said that? "I'll wring his bloody neck! What the hell is the matter with him? What kind of man would do that to the woman he loves? The mother of his children? It's a fucking disgrace!" Righteous anger boiled up in me that any man would react that way to creating life whether it was convenient or not. But to my surprise she didn't seem to agree with me.

"No, Lachlan! Keep out of this...and he has a point....Terry has a right to his opinion, too. We think differently about such things now. We're more...pragmatic..."

 I stood up and took her hand, pulling her to her feet and then sitting her down on my knee. My right hand instinctively rested on the smooth belly and she covered it with her own, sinking her head against my shoulder.

"Pragmatic?" I whispered. "What kind of word is that to use about a baby?"

She grimaced as if to acknowledge the clinical coldness of her comment. "Terry thinks it's my fault for not taking more control of my fertility...it just isn't a good time for us..."

Well, is it ever, I thought to myself? Kids come along and the law of averages suggests that it will be the worst possible time - but you cope. You have to. They're your kids. Your flesh and blood. The best part of your love. "I reckon he does and maybe it isn't the best time - but Christ... maybe he should have thought of that before he ...how far along are you?"

At that she hunched her shoulder. "No idea. I just missed this month. Well, if it is this month. Hard to tell at the moment... after stopping feeding it was all complicated..." Sounded good enough to me. That was about the extent of my knowledge, I'm ashamed to say, even now. Heather had tried to get me reading books but that always seemed too technical. Your girl misses her monthlies then you better start looking ahead. That was all the information I needed.

"Well, that's a pretty good sign, isn't it....?"

Another shrug. "I don't really want another baby either, Lach... I think...so we had a terrible row and he stormed off and he didn't come back and I'm not even sure I want him to at the moment."

"He's probably taking a walk, clearing his head...you know how men are..." I wasn't sure why I was defending him. He sure as hell didn't deserve it. I'd like to go find him and put my fist through his face.

The tears were coming again. "What will I do if I have to cope with this alone? I don't think I can even cope with it as a couple!"

"You're not alone...you have him... and me....." I reminded her, wiping away the tears that were trickling down her cheek. I had an urge to kiss her mouth that I shoved down deep. I wondered vaguely where it came from and why I still felt inappropriately romantic feelings for this woman.

"What can you do? Terry can be very stubborn if he doesn't get his way and I can't dump this on you! You have your own family to look after...your own problems." Then she suddenly raised her head to look at me and I could see her comment had made her think. "What's going wrong with you and Heather anyway? I expected her sympathy and I just got the edge of her tongue... She was so prickly with me today."

"Who knows with her? I can't get two minutes with her these days," I retorted wryly.

"I've never seen her like that. Is she alright? She's gone pretty thin..."

"It's not pretty, is it....?" But I thought better of it and clammed right up, merely trailing of into a vague. "...She's fine..."

But you can't give Uma a germ of an opener without expecting her to take it. You could see her brain ticking over and working it out. "Is everything all right...in the bed department? An active baby can take it out on your sex life..."

"Hey, it's me...Ever known me to have a problem down there?" I tried for levity but she ignored it. It wasn't working. So I threw it back.

"How are you two coping then? You seem to be business as usual..."

She rolled her eyes but they weren't smiling. "Sex is never a problem for Terry...it's just every other fucking emotional connection where he's so useless..." There was real bile in her answer. It's rare to hear Uma say anything negative about Terry - even when he deserves it. This had gone really deep. But she didn't need to convince me of anything. I was already angry with the bastard and the weeks I had gone without any intimacy with Heather did not make me feel any better inclined to him now that I knew he was having sex wall-to-wall.

"Yeah?" was my monosyllabic reply.

She just snuggled close and murmured. "I just want someone to hold me and tell me it will be okay, not say 'I've had a bad day and you are making it worse...!' I mean what kind of answer is that? I wouldn't have bothered him if it hadn't been important."

I smiled at that, and could hear Terry barking that one out and for a moment wondered if she was actually reading this right. Maybe he had just jumped the wrong way. Uma can be very tactless as to when and how she drops her bombshells - and Terry could be very morose when he wanted to be. But I reassured her with the usual empty promises that you make when you want to say something even though you know you have no real guarantees for anything.  "It will be okay, love...I promise...Terry's not a bad guy. He'll come round. Maybe he really did have some bad shit to handle today. In his line - who knows? What kind of day did he have? Did he say what's up?"

It was clear from her response that he hadn't told her nor had she actually thought to ask him. Now that showed the extent of her own anxiety; normally Uma reads him like a book and is very good at teasing out his moods. This time she seems almost to have sidestepped the whole issue. "I don't know. Like he'd tell me anything if I didn't drag it out of him?" Her snappy comment showed that she was aware she hadn't given him much of a chance and realized it now. It was as if the real event was only now dawning on her as she worked through it. They had totally miscommunicated on this one.

But I gamely went on trying to make her feel better as I was steadily beginning to feel worse and worse. "Maybe his reaction wasn't just about you, ya know?  If he had a bad day.....everyone has off days... Usually in his line of work it means someone's died..."

"Is everyone on his side? So he had a bad day? So what? I had a bad day. If he had told me his I wouldn't have said something mean..."

I cut her short, not prepared to let her deflect onto everyone else. "Did you ask him, Uma?"

Instead of an answer I got a rambling excuse. "... Heather told me to tell him and that he'd be great about it...Yeah, well she got that one wrong...but then...she thinks the sun shines out of his arse..."

I bridled slightly at that. So Heather had been singing Thorne's praises to Uma and giving me the bird, hey? That did so much for my wounded self-esteem. If only Lachlan was more like St. Terry...

"She said that about Terry?" I had snapped that one back rather quicker than I had meant to but I was annoyed. I couldn't get two minutes from her and she's extolling the virtues of another man?

"Well, you know....she does tend to have this romanticised idea of him..." but then she corrected herself hurriedly. "I mean romantic in an idealised sense.. not...you know..."

"Yeah, well, she's a bit addled at times..." I countered sarcastically. "She did choose me, after all... surely you have to be a bit nuts for that?" I finished with a laugh that sounded more like a grunt.

"Oh, Lachlan, don't be like that! That was her best choice!" And then she laughed. It was good to hear her warm amusement again. "You knew I would say that, didn't you?"

"Course I did. What else would my best girl say?"

Something shifted slightly then between us. Uma stood up and held out her hand. "Come on...let's leave the boring dishes and go and relax in the lounge. We deserve a bit of soft music and dim lights to finish off this bottle!" She gathered the glasses - her unused on and mine half full. I took the bottle and we made our way into the spacious lounge. It was going dark now and she added to that by drawing the blinds, snapping on one or two subdued lamps and then lighting some large candles placed here and there around. The atmosphere appealed to my sensuality; we had only the over-bright shine of fluorescent lighting or darkness back home. This warm shady glow with the flickering candlelight making our shadows dance on the stark white walls made for an hypnotic ambience. She slipped a disc into the sound system. Some good old fashioned music.

"Ella Fitzgerald sings Gershwin," she smiled as she flopped down next to me on the deeply upholstered couch. "Nothing like the old ones, hey?" And she snuggled up closer.

I bent my head to rest my face on her hair and inhaled her scent. "You smell good..." and I sighed deeply, overacting to make a joke that hid my real pleasure at the proximity of this beautiful woman.

"...And you smell of man..." she replied a note of smoky seduction in her voice.

"What is that?  Fruity? Is that a good thing?" I laughed and mimicked smelling my armpits and pulling a face. She shook her head at my nonsense.

"Now if they could bottle that, they would make a fortune..."

It was just soap and me - but maybe that works for some women? "Yeah? What would they call it- this must have new men's cologne? Eau de Curry doesn't sound too swanky..." I giggled.

"Ha! It would have to be....One Hundred Percent Oz..."

I rubbed her belly gently. "What do you think, little fella?  You got a vote too, mate....100% Oz...The scent with a bite, hey?" and I reached over to nibble playfully at her neck.

She gasped and I felt the shiver that ran through her body; she was aroused by my touch even as she replied in silly vein: "Rowrrrr!"

We both moved apart then as if suddenly realizing that we had overstepped the invisible line that had been drawn way back then when we'd crossed, almost a year ago now. Awkward again, we lay side by side and listened to the song playing but it only seemed to reinforce the moment and remind us even more nostalgically of how things used to be.

There's a saying old says that love is blind
Still we're often told, seek and ye shall find
So I'm going to seek a certain lad I've had in mind
Looking everywhere, haven't found him yet

He's the big affair I cannot forget
Only man I ever think of with regret
I'd like to add his initial to my monogram
Tell me, where is the shepherd for this lost lamb? 

The words were bizarrely prophetic and could have been written for the two of us at that moment in our lives. I wondered had she selected the track purposely or if it had been one of those random occurrences that fate throws your way. We both turned to look at each other and I could see the same thoughts and memories in her eyes. I suppose we were already losing the battle even then.

There's a somebody I'm longing to see
I hope that he turns out to be
Someone who'll watch over me
I'm a little lamb who's lost in the wood
I know I could always be good
Someone who'll watch over me

Although he may not be the man some
Girls think of as handsome
To my heart he carries the key
Won't you tell him please to put on some speed
Follow my lead, oh, how I need
Someone to watch over me

I tickled her and she squirmed and screamed with laughter. I was pretending roughhousing but it was merely as an excuse to touch her. She might have wriggled but she moved closer instead of further away and I rolled her back until we were lying side by side on the wide couch, still playing but the mood changing even as we giggled and lunged for each other.

From tickling and pinning her down, I went to stroking her arm lightly. It was a caress. She lay still and then reached for my hair, running her fingers through it, messing it up, an old affectionate gesture like a mother with her son. "Is everything really okay, Lachlan? You seem sort of bitter about something...if I can tell you my problems, then you can tell me yours. I won't let anyone know. You can trust my discretion - and you look like you need a friend tonight, baby..." She slipped down to lie beneath me and ran her hands along my back, massaging gently. "Lachlan? You look thinner, Lach. Are you working too hard?" Her hands then pulled my shirt out and she felt my naked flesh. I heard her gasp. I was skin and bone these days where I had always been comfortably well covered, stocky even in the past few years. But I did not want to say too much even if I could trust her. Terry was going to be my boss and I didn't want her spilling to him in some outpouring of sympathy about how bad I looked. And I was too proud even with her to mention money.

"I'm just tired.... it's been a tough couple of months...long hours...."

Uma looked unconvinced. "You should be used to it...I mean you flew in the war! It can't be as bad as that just taking exams again and building up your flying hours..."

I thought wryly to myself that at least they fed us well enough - we pilots always got the best rations. Keeping us as sharp and alert as possible was essential. I answered vaguely. As much as I have shared with this woman there is a limit to what a man will discuss. "No, it's just that we're stretched a bit thin at the moment.... I work too much... and when I'm not at work I'm at school..... I'm never home..." Even to my ears it didn't really add up and Uma has a very well developed bullshit detector. She lives with Terry. She needs it.

"You're short of money, aren't you? Damn, I should have realised it!" I nodded jerkily but pursed my mouth and wished she hadn't stumbled on it. I knew she'd make a big deal of it.

"It's not your problem." I added brusquely but she took no notice.

"Oh God...you must think I live in a cocoon! No wonder Heather was so uptight and there's me flashing around baby dresses costing a hundred quid..." She groaned. I almost fell off the chair. One hundred pounds sterling for a dress for Maia? God give me strength. "Oh, but it IS my problem. When I was down - you made it your problem. I am not walking away from you when you need help. I mean, that's why you rushed here tonight - to help me. You think I wouldn't do anything for you in return?"

I touched her earnest little face. "I always want to be there for you, Uma..."

"...I have the least little moan and you are there for me. I would do anything for you. ANYTHING!"

Her words made my heart flip. It was so good to know that she still felt like that about me. I wished I could tell her back how much I loved her. But I can't say it. It might be taken wrong or not come out right. The days for that sort of declaration are long past.

"I know you would, sweetheart, but there's nothing you can do. Soon we'll be over this and everything will be apples. Don't worry about us..."

She sat awhile holding my hand casually, stroking the hairs on the back of my hand. "If it's just money, Lach...I could give you some...I know you're proud but if it would alleviate things....it's only money...it means nothing! You can give it me back when you have it!"

I raised her hand and turned it over, kissing it gently. "No. Thank you but no thank you. And to be honest it isn't just money. I'm not really bothered about having empty pockets. In my day it was a common state of affairs. But if you could see anyway to arranging for my son to give me a hug when I get home, then I might just take you up on that... You think you can do that?"

She knotted her brow at that. "What do you mean? You're great with kids. Tristan adores you! Maia, too!"

I shrugged. "Not these days. He doesn't seem to want anything to do with me..."

"What...? Why...?"

"God knows- it's probably because he never sees me. I can't even get him to come to me these days. I'm not even sure he knows I'm his dad." It felt even worse to say it. I'd kept this inside for too long but had a sense that some dam inside might burst now I had actually spoken the words.

"Well, look at Maia and Terry! He's always working - and she's all over him," she said but then added: "Maybe Terry was right about breastfeeding. Maybe it does exclude the father too much. It was important at the start but towards the end she didn't really need it. I think sometimes he was jealous of that bond we had...no, that's not the right word. He was never jealous, but he felt that he wanted to share in that more. But it's worse with little boys, I think...they always cling to their Mums."

I curled up next to her and leant on one arm, idly playing with her hair. "It's a lovely thing... I'm not saying it isn't... but sometimes..."

"The books often say dad can get sidelined....Lachlan, can I ask you something personal? Does he sleep in bed with you some nights?"

I snorted. "We share a room, love.... it's only a small flat....We're going to be moving soon..." Well, that was the dream anyway. I felt acutely embarrassed at having to admit my son didn't even have a room of his own.

"The slightest creak from the bed and there are two eyes looking at you?" She grinned.

"Slightest creak?  I'm not even sure there's that much needed..." Christ, I couldn't even have a sly wank or he'd be awake. Okay, I know he would hardly be damaged by the sight of that at his age but I couldn't bring myself to do anything so crude before a child. It's just out of the question - and I would never let a baby of his age see that sort of intimacy between a man and his wife even if we stayed under the covers. You never know what impression it might leave on him. It was different when he was newborn - he was asleep and unable even to sense much. Now he was noticing everything and his little brain must try and work out everything he sees. What would sex look like to him? That I was hurting his Mum?

"You're not getting any sex, are you?" Typical Uma. She wouldn't hold her punches. Out it came.

I blushed. "I'd settle for a cuddle these days... I can't remember the last time..."

She made a sharp intake of breath. "So - you're working all hours. You have no money. Your son won't come near you and your girl has a new man - or so it seems..."

"...And the one thing that should be a free pastime....." I held up my hands.

"Christ, Lachlan...that is a nightmare!"

"It's not for much longer... we knew it was going to be rough for awhile...I just never imagined....Heather and I would ever get to this..."

"It's all the more reason why you need each other now - and you need some space!  A man needs to have some physical contact. I mean sex is different for you. She needs it too but it isn't quite the same... it's more central to your psyche and I think you are probably needing the affirmation of your virility at a time when you're feeling down..."

"Is it?" I said naively. I don't really get this modern obsession with explaining everything in psychological terms. As far as I was concerned, sex and love were part of the whole deal when you were committed to a woman - and it just happened. I wasn't sure I liked the sense that it was some biological need I had that wasn't being answered, like going for a shit or something.

It was her turn to blush. "Take no notice of me. I read a lot of crap..."

I fluffed up her hair. "I remember when you used to write a lot of crap.... you growing up?"

"Very quickly these days." I nodded my agreement. Weren't we all?

"...I was just trying to say that I think men show their love and their emotional needs in their sexuality. Women have more diverse ways of doing it. We touch more, talk more, cuddle more...just generally interrelate better, you know?"

"That what we're doing?" I was absently stroking her cheek. "I thought it was just because it feels nice...."

She giggled. "Well, obviously it feels nice. We wouldn't do it if it didn't feel nice!"

I gave her a wry grin. It felt more than nice to touch her. It also gave me a warm glow inside.

"What if we take Tristan for a night and leave you two alone - would that help some? You two could cosy up on a couch like this and see where it went..."

"Then he screams his head off 'cos he wants a suck and she strangles me 'cos I do too?"

Uma stroked back my hair as I gave her a cheeky rueful grin. "You wouldn't hear him if he was screaming here, would you? He could wrestle with Terry all fucking night- a thought which rather amuses me at the moment ..." At that we both cracked up laughing. Just reward, Terry. I'll send Tristan the Terrible round and put you off babies for life.

"Well, the idea of two screaming babies tormenting Terry does wonders for me, I have to say....almost better than sex...Well, maybe not...I can think of a few things that would do me better," I rolled my eyes playfully.

"So, what would do it for you?" Her voice had changed on an instant; there was a husky tone now as she ran her right hand down my chest, tracing a path with her knuckle. She was asking a leading question that she was already answering when her hand strayed suspiciously close to my belt. 

I suddenly felt hot. My voice sounded strange to me as I replied. "You sure you want to know?" I could feel sweat pooling on my forehead and the thick thud of blood pumping through my veins. Did I think what I was doing was wrong? I didn't think.

But I knew.

And so did she. "Tell me..." she whispered into my ear and her breath was warm and sweet.

"You make my heart race... my hands shake..."

She took my hand and placed it on her breast. "Feel my heart...it's racing too..."

My breath caught in my throat and then deepened as my fingers caressed her breast gently. I think I moaned soft and low at the sensation of the softness of a woman.

"Do you ever remember how it used to be? Do you ever think of me? Sometimes I think of you... you know...I think of you when I shouldn't..."

I put my ear to her breast. I wanted to be as close to her as I could be. A shudder ran through me at her comment and the thought that she might have sometimes closed her eyes and thought of me. I'm ashamed to say that turned me on. My lips found the hard peak of her nipple and I kissed her through the fine fabric of her sweater.

"Yeah, I do....I still remember...." My hand slid up to her neck and cupped her chin; our eyes met. "I do think of you..." She was trembling then as our gaze locked. You can't hide and pretend anymore when you are body to body, when your erection is straining against her thigh and when you have kissed a woman's breasts. We were way past words and rationalizations. I just lowered my head and kissed her mouth. Her eyes were open as were mine. We wanted to see.

I felt Uma slip closer until she contacted with my groin. She was aware of it and that thought alone fired my lust. I was lost then. Lost in the past? Maybe. But I was also lost in the now. I slid my leg between hers until we were entangled and rocked against her; she held my head in her hands. Not sure what happened then. Hands were exploring, gentle and caressing. I kissed down her neck, murmuring, rocking some more, just enjoying the pleasure of the friction against me. I'm not sure if even then I imagined we would go further. It just seemed more like comfort.

Uma ran her hands under my shirt. I rubbed her tummy. I heard myself whisper my poem to her as if recalling a night long ago when we had made a connection through those words, reaffirming that I did have a past with her and some wonderful memories. My hand slipped further down and I felt the zipper of her jeans and traced it down with my palm feeling the heat emanating from her groin.

"So soft....hello, little baby..." I muttered unsure whether I meant her or the passenger she was carrying.

"Feels so good..." she sighed. I rolled over her and fit myself between her parted legs. This was blatant now. We might have been clothed but we were simulating sex and it would not be long before our natures took us past the place where we might reasonably stop. And all the while her hands stroked my naked flesh and it felt like a healing to have a woman's touch. I felt like Tristan clinging to his mother. It was a strange realisation of how confusing our emotions are even when we are adults.

I caught her eye. She muttered, "You're so thin, Lach...there's nothing of you!" But I stopped her with a kiss. I didn't want to hear her say it. My kiss was deeper and I ground against her harder. I wanted her to know I was still a man where it counted. That burnt away the last strands of our self-control.

The key in the door acted like a gong banging in an empty room. It rang shrilly through my head as she pushed me from her. "Christ!" I pulled down my shirt where she has rucked it up and ran a hand through my hair. She straightened her jumper down, looking paler than ever, her eyes large in her face, blood draining from her cheeks with shock and comprehension. I couldn't even tuck my shirt back in my pants for the huge erection that was straining so left it hanging.

But I knew Terry would not fall for this.

"Terry! Look who's here!" Uma, God bless her, made her best effort, all false brightness, running over to him and trying to give me more time. A week wouldn't have been enough. Nevertheless, I put on a stony face and stared at him as he glanced at the scene shrewdly. His eyes missed nothing. Nervously, I found myself running my hands back over my hair again and then watched as his eyes dropped to my groin. Damn. The action had pulled my shirt up and I knew he had seen it clearly. He'd be in no doubt. My hard on was not a result of my pleasure to see him.

"Mate..." I held out my hand with a curt nod.

Terry did not shake it back, merely looking at me with that implacable expression of his.

"What are you doing here?" he rasped out gruffly.

"Slaying dragons, mate...." I countered with a smug expression, throwing back his rejection of her as the only viable excuse I had for him finding me in flagrante with his woman. "She called me... in tears... some bloke said something awful to her..." I let him see how angry that made me feel. I reminded him what a bastard he had been. It's not much of an excuse but I wanted him to feel guilty. If this was going to end in a fight, then I was ready and spoiling for one tonight.

But he was clearly not in a guilty mood - or was he? Tightlipped, he muttered back: "Maybe you should go home and slay a few of your own then, mate?" But I had the satisfaction of seeing his chin rise belligerently. He had felt my barb and he wasn't unaffected by the reminder I was giving him.

And, as usual, he hit me back even more sharply. You can always expect that from Terry when he's feeling cornered.  "That so? And of course Sir Lancelot has to come to the rescue...Pure altruism, naturally, nothing in it for him at all, hey?"

"Interesting you should choose that analogy, mate.  Didn't the king die in that tale?"

I wasn't backing down. My comment was tantamount to me saying 'Come on let's fight this out then!' 

Uma saw the tension bristle between us and tried vainly to defuse it. "Em...would anyone like a drink?" Her inane response almost made me giggle hysterically but I know that was the result of the adrenalin that was pumping through me. Terry seemed to have a closer lock on his emotions than I did.

"...He isn't staying," Thorne replied quietly.

The bastard wasn't even going to give me satisfaction.

"No thanks, love," I answered her with a forced smile, knowing it would annoy him more if I spoke to her affectionately. That stinks, hey? I made it even worse then by walking over and touching her cheek. "I'll be off then. But if you need me again...for anything...just call..."

It was an open challenge. I saw Terry's shoulders straighten and his jaw tense as I walked past him to the door.

"Thanks, Lach...you're a real friend..." She stared over defiantly at Terry and her face showed that she disliked the way he had spoken to me. It was another minor victory that I gave myself, even as it worried me what the hell was about to happen now between them if I left at this moment. For now, he wasn't taking this out on me - so would she have to bear the brunt? I could not imagine that the scene after I went would be pleasant.

As I passed him, I got in my last jibe. "You should be ashamed of yourself...bloody ashamed...Is she the only woman you can't even act the part for?"

He muttered back. "Look to yourself, mate. If we're talking shame, that is. Seems like you and other men's wives are a real problem of yours...You should be ashamed of yourself, mate...and..." He turned to Uma and pointed his finger. "...I am including you as well, darling. That makes two of you... So, Curry, next time I need a conscience, I'll be sure to call you...And now, I think you better leave...you've already had your free swing this time..."

There wasn't much I could do or say then unless I did actually take a swing - and he was probably hoping I would. I'd have lasted about two seconds in the coiled cobra mode he was in. I also did not want to put Uma through that. All a woman in her condition - and position - needed now was seeing him beat me to pulp.

"You gonna be alright, Betty?" I used the old endearment on purpose.

She nodded but looked warily over at Terry. I wasn't sure if she was afraid or just apprehensive. But she was absently rubbing her stomach which seemed a tell tale gesture.

"You call if you need anything....."

"Sure...thanks for everything, Lachlan..." I put on my jacket and walked out, slamming the door hard, and triggering off some security alert - the beeper went off and I smirked at the knowledge that he would have to rush to disarm it. Somehow it was another point to me, however trivial.

I was not in a good state. Angry, ashamed, guilty, aroused, anxious, frustrated, embarrassed - contrary emotions were swirling about inside me. I instinctively hit the wall in temper and almost welcomed the pain of my bloody knuckles, as if it deadened the other sensations that were much more undesirable to me.

For, whatever I tried to tell myself, I had done something that was against all the principles I have ever believed in. 

So where did I go then?

Not home, that's for sure - or at least not straight away. I couldn't face Heather like this, aware that she would read me like an open book if I walked in at the moment.  I was still too high on another woman and my near-adultery to want to put myself in the position where I had to hide from the woman I loved. Because I did love her. What the hell had I been doing with Uma?

So I walked for a few hours until I was calm and ready for what was to come. And  then I went home to a cold flat in darkness.