UMA

Halifax, Nova Scotia. May 1st 2004 

We landed and then it was like some scene from ER. A team of paramedics ran on board, took my vitals, put me on a drip, wrapped me in blankets and transferred me to some strange carrying device like a large papoose, before whisking me down the staircase and to the waiting transport. A nurse attended to the baby who cried at the intrusion- good for you, darlin'- she did not like the cold air anymore than I did. Terry hovered in the background, filling in details and answering questions in his quiet efficient way but he let them take over. I can imagine he was more than glad to. I know full well that he had barely kept a lid on his emotions during the flight and I was dying for him half the time.

I can't really write about it even now. I'm just too choked about the whole thing. It was hellishly painful; worse pain that I have ever known- bar none. I didn't think it was possible to suffer that much and live. But it is like no other pain. It takes you over and channels you- you have the chance to use the pain and then you defeat it and it is over. For your travail you are given the world into your hands; the future is assured. And the pain is gone and you forget and know in some part of you that you would do it all again and be proud that you can. I never felt as much of the wonder of my womanhood as on that day; I never again ever wished to swap places with a man. It was the day when I learnt where the true power lies in gender. I can do this miracle; I can give life. Every woman is potentially God.

Terry had been so wonderful that I cannot even begin to describe how glad I was that it happened the way it did. Even though it was fraught with danger and there was no pain relief and he had the fright of his life. He was afraid- for me, for the baby, that he would fail me when I needed him most, that he would make a mistake and have to live with it. But did he let that affect him? No, of course not. He is a man of true courage. He was calm and full of assurances. He lied to me to make me feel better. He stirred me when I was flagging. He remained good humoured and light even though I could see in his eyes and the expression on his face that he was overwhelmed by the enormity of what he had to do. Scared to death. But, as he once told me, how can you be brave if you don't feel fear? I never saw it better demonstrated than tonight.

He was the first human being that she ever saw- I was the second. How perfect is that? Imagine how she came into the world and felt his strong hands and knew already that she was loved and protected- for I am sure that as small as they are, these images stay somewhere within them. Not for our child the impersonal hustle and bustle of a clinic or hospital. Our daughter's birth was the most natural one imaginable- in a tiny cabin, the hum of engines like a heartbeat in the background, no machines or intrusive drugs, no strangers present, no hard pressed professionals simply doing a job- she arrived with three witnesses who were each, in their way, bewitched by the miraculous moment of her birth.

My God, Carol was simply wonderful. She was every girlfriend, sister, mother...how to explain how much a woman needs a woman at that moment? I shall never forget her help and feel ashamed of all the petty bitchiness that kept us apart before. I don't expect that she will ever be my best mate, but she will have my respect and love for her support- and who knows what that might lead to in the future?

And our little girl! I cannot stop looking at her, marveling, falling in love at every glance, noticing each aspect of her, recognizing her even though she is a stranger- the ultimate déjà vu- I have never seen her before but she is everyone I care about, stamped indelibly already on every part of her tiny body. And that he should have given her to me- my big strong man who is the epitome of all that is male and virile- that from him should come the chromosome that made her female? It is almost beyond belief, even if knowledge and logic tells me that it is so.

To see his face as he looks at her and holds her, is worth every single pain I felt and more. He is amazed, struck with wonder, joy and love written all over his face, incomprehension that he could be given this treasure. I know he will never let her out of his mind - he will love her like no child has ever been loved. I only knew then what love really was, although I have often mentioned what I thought it to be. Love is what you do for someone, not how they make you feel. She was the living proof of that ideal. The proof of life. The proof of love. For both of us.

We reached the hospital and the dreary business of intrusive poking and prodding began. I was in good enough shape considering and the baby was passed in very good physical condition, so we were transferred to a private room. I was fading fast, exhaustion in every bone and sinew, unable to lift a finger or move my head, although my brain felt charged and hot wired. I wanted to shout to everyone, "I've just had a baby!" as though I had done something singular that few people manage. Does this happen every second all round the world and yet I never realized what was actually going on? Such a humbling thought. Such a leveling thought. A bond with humanity that transcends race, creed, culture, gender...so much to learn through this act.

But I must have fallen asleep. I was aware of Terry sitting by me, holding my hand, talking, but I couldn't recall what he said....dead, peaceful strength-restoring slumber.

I awoke and it was morning. Confusion for a few seconds then a door opened and a nurse wheeled her in. "Mrs. Thorne?" I didn't argue. Terry must have thought it simpler to let this one ride. "Here she is...Baby Thorne...you'll have to think of a name for her...we're calling her Rosie...what with that surname and her looking so pretty..."

I fell in love again. Fed my fussy little daughter, learnt how to change a diaper- I was hopeless -she looked like a poorly wrapped parcel- held her some more and then I was told to get up and shower. The nurse helped me- I was shaky on my feet- but I told her to let me be. A girl wants some privacy. She stayed with the baby while I took the most wonderful shower of my life in a cubicle with a seat- I felt like an old woman but was grateful for the support. Shampoo- oh yes!- soap- oh heaven!- warm healing waters. Clean pyjamas. I never thought I would love such shapeless apparel. I even managed to have a wee all by myself. I felt so proud.

Carefully stepping out of the bathroom, still drying my hair on a towel, I saw the door open and Terry walked in. He took one look at me out of bed and covered the distance, picked me up and carried me back to bed, scolding me for getting out. The nurse told him it was standard procedure. I told him I was fine. Like it mattered to him? I was to stay in bed and not get out of it until he said I could. She looked at me and I at her and we just laughed. I looked better than he did.

He looked as if he had had about four hours' sleep(he later admitted that it was three), hadn't shaved and was obviously still in the same rumpled clothes that he had worn for the past two days. His eyes were bloodshot, hollow grey circles underneath and he looked pale. I tolerated him for an hour or so, while he played with the baby and I ate breakfast but then I banished him. He was not to return for at least eight hours, showered, changed and shaved. For the first time ever he simply did as he was told- that was how exhausted he was - and for the first time ever, I was glad to see the back of him.

Carol came in later- she was so relieved to see us all in such fine health and we had a good chat about a lot of things. When she left, she took a list we had compiled of all the things I needed- I really didn't want to send Terry out for maternity pads and nursing bras- he had undergone enough already, without the humiliation of that, and I cannot imagine him being very comfortable in some baby store choosing babygros and diapers. She was such a gem and continues to be a sterling support to us both.

So the day passed quietly. I slept and nursed my little girl and slept some more. I held her while she slept and made all sorts of secret promises to her; I wished for her all the things a mother wants for her daughter down the years and vowed to do what I could to make all her dreams come true.

Early evening a different Terry returned- he has amazing recuperative powers once he has caught up on much-needed sleep. In his arms was an enormous bouquet of flowers, some champagne and chocolates; in the middle of the box was a little tin ring with a big fake jewel. He said he hadn't had time to get to the jeweller's- didn't know if there was a decent one in this place but he would settle for this in the meantime. He said 'It's forever. Eternity. She gives us that right now.' I cried.

"I think I got a name for her," he suddenly announced as he carried her round, simpering and baby-talking like a complete idiot.

"What?" I asked, curious as to what the King of smart nicks would come up with.

"Maia. Like May- but a bit fancier."

"That's Latin."

"I knew that," he lied.

"It means Goddess of the Spring."

"There you go. Born on May Day. What do you think? Maia Thorne?" He smiled his pleased-with-himself grin.

 "I think you've been a very clever boy. Actually I love it. It is her. Maia....just gorgeous...I love it, I love it...." Terry had hit the nail on the head again.

"...Maia Christina Thorne..." he continued, "Ya see....I promised this bloke..." and he pulled out the St. Christopher medal from his pocket. I grinned at his bashful expression.

"...Well, you also promised another fella..." Terry looked confused, so I reminded him. "He wrote you a note...and I quote... Name the first after me. That's Russell - as in Crowe...remember... in the note he sent with the lighter, Tin man?

"If you think she is going to be called Russell...or even worse Crowe...." Terry interrupted with his finger waving dangerously.

"Ira. Could be a girl's name...no reason why a girl couldn't be called that, is there? Bit stupid for a boy actually..." I replied.

"Hmmm... Maia Christina Ira Thorne? Works for me. Bit more imaginative than Charl..."

"Enough of that...must you make everything a competition? It's a deal. Then you better get her a birth cert in the morning, Dad. She's quite a pedigree already- can claim triple citizenship, too...lucky girl..."

Terry rocked her in his arms. "Is she the first, d ya' reckon? Wonder if Tina's dropped hers yet? She can't be far off...they conceived theirs before us..."

"Maybe...wonder about Heather...she must be still a few weeks away- she was about ten days in front of me- she had a late June date...could still be six weeks- this is so confusing. So Maia could be the first hybrid, eh? Well, she looks a pretty strong little thing whatever. Tina must be still about four weeks but who can say? God...three babies. Jesus Christ. What will that do to the Game?"

Terry shrugged and pursed his lips with his 'I'm not going to discuss this' face on. I smiled at him. "Hey, stud, how long is it since you had  any? I mean apart from that little relief session the other day before we left?"

"Had what?" he muttered already captivated by something his daughter had done. He was telling her she was called Maia. She yawned and looked completely uninterested.

I giggled. "My God...you have been affected! You don't even remember what it is! Sex!"

He looked up, confused. "Sex? I don't know...let me see...when did I leave for Africa? Did we have it that morning?"

"Yes...I think so...March 5th."

He whistled. "Two months give or take a blow. Almost back to my pre- Perve World record- mostly went a couple of months between hits."

"Miss it?" I asked.

"Do you? How long for you? Three months?"

"Yeah, if you count all the portal time. And it will be at least another four to six weeks until the doctor gives the all clear...Not really thought about it for ages..."

"Well, better warn the neighbours when we finally get down and do it...could be subterranean activity in Hampstead..." He giggled..."and you will need earplugs, princess..." he whispered to his daughter.

I thought for a moment. "Will you still fancy me, Terry? I mean after what you saw? Will my body ever be the same again for you...look at it now...my stomach looks like white blancmange." I pulled open my pyjama jacket and he just laughed.

"Where's your belly gone? Wish I could lose it that fast...you won't stay like that- women never do - and you'll be back to lettuce leaves and the swimming pool as soon as you can, I know you. The Autumn Collections already beckon. But you are still gorgeous to me...I mean that...No, it didn't put me off. Made me even more ready to worship at your altar. Believe me." I looked at him and met his eyes. I did believe him. It's not about the externals anymore. Sure he's gorgeous and I perve him loads - but let's face it, I can have any simulacrum of a Crowe body that I want. And I will do again, no doubt. But that isn't why we are here or together or in love...it's the things inside that keep us hanging on. And no one else in the entire world can give me those things, but he.

They kept us under observation for two more days which I thought was pretty excessive really. Back home they would have kicked me out in twenty four hours if all was fine but I suppose when you are paying for it and when the circumstances of the delivery are a bit unusual, then caution is acceptable. In some ways those days were important anyway, a simple time-out-of-time for Terry and me to get to know our little girl. We spent quiet days together in the hospital room, he sprawled out on the bed obsessed with his daughter while I grew stronger and more confident that I might just be able to look after this baby without doing too much damage to the precious cargo after all.

I took lessons from the nurses in bathing her, changing her diaper, breastfeeding- all the things I probably should have read more about before but would probably still have had to learn on the job. Needless to say, Terry proved much more adept at the nappy bit- he reckoned his military training made him good at stuff like that although I really couldn't see the connection. But she never looked like a poorly wrapped parcel when he changed and dressed her.

We spent a lot of time talking. We'd been apart a long time and there was so much to explain. Both of us had wondered if we were separated for good and had had to face the reality of loneliness again- and loss. It was good just to be together and mend our bruised hearts. But there were other things to speak of. The future loomed and the task of in some way facing Dea and putting our case before her had to be planned- it was not going to go away.

One early morning, whilst feeding Maia, alone in my room, having chased him out late the night before to get a night sleep back at the hotel, I had a sudden thought. My brains had been mush during the latter part of my pregnancy and the day we drove down south and speculated on Dea, I had not been at my best. A name popped into my head. Dea. Bona Dea. The good goddess. I wondered why I had never thought of her before. How to explain her? To the Romans she was the kind of early pagan goddess of the rural world, the pre-Olympian spirit of the countryside whose munificence brought abundance in crops, fertility, all good things. She was like Juno, Venus, Ceres all rolled into one.

What did I remember about her? Ought to look her up- my memory is hazy but I knew she was connected to various cults- there was a December festival that was to do with fertility and a Spring festival, too...May...Jesus!....Mayday...Maia another name for Bona Dea, ....Christ!....there was a link. How had Terry thought of that name? Man, this was so weird. Dates are always loaded with power in pagan ritual. All the later practices - even down to the dating of Christmas and Easter, as well as Roman ritual and the significance of numbers- are interconnected through the earliest religious practices and are simply reinvented by each culture. For example the worship of the Virgin Mary is heavily related to Mother Earth cults and the power of virginity is linked to the early worship of the power of motherhood. Certain dates have heightened symbolism.

Was Dea God? Was God a woman? Wasn't that the theory popular now, anyway- that male dominance over the ages had eradicated the female from religion just as men had controlled fertility by enslaving women through patriarchal custom? The way even the Christian church had removed the references to female priests in the early Church and possibly gone so far as to drag the name of Mary Magdalena through the mire to hide the fact the Jesus had a wife and she was an important figure in the sect after his death? Were all these strands of hip pop mythology actually partly accurate?

Thoughts and conflicting facts swirled through my brain. One day, I will sit down and work this all out but I know this much for sure- Dea is the real thing, and she is using the tools of her power in a traditional sense. Love, sexuality, fertility, childbirth, abundance, human weakness and the nobility of which we are capable are her concern- they are the foundation stones of life. And my daughter was born on May 1st- that powerful day of ancient mystery- and bears one of Dea's own names.

I thought of a famous quote from that visionary philosopher, the Jesuit priest, Teilhard de Chardin: "Some day after we have mastered the winds, the waves and gravity, we will harness for God the energies of love; and then for a second time in the history of the world, humans will have discovered fire"

I waited until Maia was asleep and logged on the laptop to look up what I didn't quite recall of de Chardin's teachings - and then it hit me between the eyes:

....He spoke of how mankind was reaching the Omega point when the Earth in its evolutionary unfolding, was growing a new organ of consciousness, called the noosphere. The noosphere is a "planetary thinking network" -- an interlinked system of consciousness and information, a global net of self-awareness, instantaneous feedback, and planetary communication. At the time of his writing, computers of any merit were the size of a city block, and the Internet was, if anything, an element of speculative science fiction. Yet this evolution is indeed coming to pass, and with a rapidity, that in Gaia time, is but a mere passage of seconds. In these precious moments, the planet is developing her cerebral cortex, and emerging into self-conscious awakening. We are indeed approaching the Omega point that Teilhard de Chardin was so excited about.

This convergence however, though it was predicted to occur through a global information network, was not a convergence of merely minds or bodies -- but of heart, a point that he made most fervently....

Had de Chardin got it right - but for the wrong reason? Was his deep Christian faith blinding him to what he might otherwise have seen? That there was one true God and she was female and her time was coming back? And the Internet was the Noosphere, the 'planetary thinking network' of his imaginings? Alpha to Omega- hadn't John's Gospel referred to that? Did it really mean from the Male God back to the Female- not round in a circle, as it has been interpreted? Or was I completely stark staring nuts?

On my little surf around the sites, I suddenly came across a rather unexpected reference. It said Maia...Maya...Fauna...Maj...Uma. Well, I jumped - as you can imagine. What I found still shocks me to the core. My name Uma is not my real name. I changed it when I was younger and it is the name of a Roman woman whom I was researching at the time. The story is told elsewhere of how that came about (Red Light...Purple Rain...) I knew that Uma was also a Hindu name- many Indian women in the East have it -and most people think I am named for her. Maybe I am. Who knows how long my life has been running along some parallel course for the ends of who knows what?

... Uma is an aspect of Kali, the Hindu goddess; Uma is the creative female force- the eternal feminine- and with her warrior consort Shiva, the cosmic male energy,  beautiful Uma of the Mountains populates the earth...

It was time to face Dea. And this was my task. Dea was a female deity and her worship was that of women. When the time came to face her- I would do so alone. No, not alone...but with my baby girl...Maia. The human reincarnation of an ancient spirit born from an impossible conception as unlikely as a virgin birth, fathered by a man the goddess had created from an idea, The Word made flesh, a character on a few pages of script and given life by an extraordinarily talented man. A child brought into the world by a woman of easy virtue, a former prostitute, a warped mirror image of another Mother. There was a strange kind of synchronicity in the asymmetry of it all. Or I was quite insane?

The next morning, we were discharged and back on our way to California. The crew was so thrilled to see me and we got an honour guard as we walked on board. Maia was the centre of attention and there was never a time when someone wasn't on hand to take her for a cuddle. I was feeling stronger physically but fragile inside. I kept hiding in the toilets and crying. Baby blues? I had them and then some. How many newly delivered mothers are about to do battle with Mother Earth herself? I kept my musings from Terry, who seemed disinclined to go over the theories we had discussed earlier; I was unsure if that was the result of his discomfort generally with such notions or whether he was unwilling to tax me with them at such a time. So I let the matter rest and just let him hold me when I felt down. He's very good at that.

The flight took all day and it was another night when we landed. We were at a tiny regional airport in Northern California and as we crossed the tarmac saw Dino waiting, leaning back on the hood of an SUV. I could feel tension dissipate in both of us at his welcoming presence; I only then realised just how important a figure he is in both our lives.

He shook his head, smiled broadly, head on one side, and then raised me in his arms and spun me round, before setting me down and kissing me. Terry stood back, holding Maia and laughing at our effusive greeting. Then, his arm flung around my shoulders and mine around his waist, I led Dino to meet our daughter. He went very quiet, watching her kick and shift about in the night air, her little finger gripping Terry's. "Takes your breath away when you see that miracle...hello, Fred..." he grinned softly.

"Maia," Terry muttered.

"So...no son, hey?" Dino chuckled. "You got the real prize, then?"

"Yeah, mate...no doubts about that..." 

The two men stood in silence and simply stared at her; two men who had seen so much of the bad side of life but were still full of wonder in the presence of a tiny child. Tears pricked my eyes again and I swallowed them down. I would not lose any of these men or women while I still had breath in my body.

Dino steered us to the waiting vehicle and loaded up the luggage- there was plenty. Carol had stocked me up for a siege. With the usual male comments about 'moving an army would be simpler than a woman and child', we climbed aboard and he drove us out of that airfield to his own private hideaway, now to be invaded by a family for the first time ever.