NOVEMBER 2003

I have a very great problem with shoes. It is not for nothing that Terry calls me Imelda - I must have enough pairs to open my own secondhand shoe shop. Partly it's because I love shoes - what woman doesn't? - but it is also something to do with my inability to make choices between things that I like. Do not raise the question of men here. I am better than I was.

Well, it obviously isn't just shoes. Or things I like. I was in the large Boots Chemist on Oxford Street staring at a wall of do-it-yourself pregnancy testing kits. My mind was simply reeling with it. Why do they need so many? Are some better than others? Might you get a false reading if you buy the one that's on offer? Should I get a few and do a sort of survey of results? How overdue do you have to be? Some say 8 days. Some say 12. One even reckons it can work after 5. Are they accurate? Bloody hell!

I buy three. Stand in a queue blushing like as if I am doing something naughty. No one is even taking any notice of me but I still feel like everyone in the room can guess that I am desperate to have a baby but probably can't make the grade. Poor woman. Obviously last chance. There's always artificial insemination. Yuk...makes me think of bulls.

With my contraband clasped in my sweaty little hands, I find a corner in Café Nero and sip a cappuccino. Tastes awful. Makes me sick. Everything makes me feel sick these days. How long can butterflies in your stomach last? Can you die of terminal nervousness? I have barely eaten anything all week. That's not going to do me much good if I am up the spout, is it?

I wish my brain would shut up.

I surreptitiously open the packages and peer inside, easing out the instructions, ashamed in case someone might overlook and discover my secret. I must look like some secret agent receiving a drop. I read the instructions and feel the palpitations increasing. This is really it. I am going to know one way or another soon enough. Our future seems to rest in these little packets.

For over a week we had waited for my body not to do something. It was like a time bomb. Terry likened it to waiting for an assault to begin, those last few hours when a soldier is primed and ready for a signal that may send him to an unknown future- or perhaps none at all. Both of us tried not to continually discuss it, but it hovered like a sword of Damocles above our heads, always there in the space between us. At some point every evening, Terry would look up and say: "Nothing?" I would shake my head and he would nod and then we would pretend again that we weren't thinking about it.

He always rings me in the day- I love to hear his voice even if he has nothing really to say. Some days recently, however, I have switched my phone off to avoid the awkwardness of a conversation where we didn't say what we were thinking so clearly that the thought was almost louder than our words. I am not menstruating. Yet. I may be pregnant. Or I may be simply so keyed up that I have affected my cycle. Maybe I am having an early menopause. Now that would be the final joke, wouldn't it?

Running my hands through my hair, I pack up, leave my coffee largely untouched and push my way back through the crowds of shoppers. I'm not sure if I want to go home. I don't want to sit and look at these things all day and I simply don't have the guts to do the test without him. The apartment drives me mad anyway and the house drives me madder. How can I do this with streams of workmen in and out all the time? The bulk of the work might be finished but now the decorators and the floor layers and so on are out in force.

But I don't want to shop. I don't want to do anything. I can't go online 'cos it's early morning in the US and no one will be up yet. But even if they were, what could I say? Excuse me, but I am just about to break the number one rule of PW. I haven't asked for a Brother in weeks and frankly...well, there's no way if I am pregnant, is there? Terry hadn't discussed his feelings with me but I could imagine what they would be. And I don't blame him. There is no way I would allow another man, even a Brother, to make love to me with Terry's baby inside me. There has to be a limit. But then that's why the rule is there. How can the Game function if we are all mothers and fathers?

I have such a desire to confide in Ann and Darcy but I know that I won't. Ann already thinks I am too clingy, 'too married'. What can I say? I began as she did in the Game. It took me where I didn't expect to go. It isn't just about me and the way I behave, either. Terry is a factor- his feelings are paramount too. You can't change your personality and you can't prevent love having its effect. For me, this is how I play it...the only way I can.

I wonder how Terry will react to visits? Physically nothing has changed for him and I know that we will probably not have such an active sex life over the next few months. But somehow I think it will inhibit him, too. He is so adoring of me at the moment that I wonder whether he might feel that he was betraying us if he went to someone else. I don't have any objections and I will tell him so. But Terry is his own man. I cannot shape his attitudes.

I have wandered down back streets and am close to Charing Cross Road. Ducking into Foyles, I roam the labyrinthine floors and their millions of books lined on walls, piled on tables. It is the most haphazard and fascinating bookshop I have ever visited and always draws me in. But today I find myself in the Mother and Baby section. With disgust I walk straight out and back into the street again.

Finally I make my way home and check my mails. I read one from Maximus that makes me sigh deeply. He no longer pushes me to ask for him but I read the tone beneath his formal prose. I know he doesn't really understand why we have settled into this friendly distance. He is having torrid times with the others from the diaries and we seem to have drifted apart. How do I feel about him?

To be truthful? The same. Always the same. But you make your choices eventually. He may be the first pair of shoes I have ever left on the shelf. I must be growing up at last. I once thought I was having his child. How that would have changed our lives! The pathways untrodden, the journeys we never make.

For the rest of the afternoon and early evening I busied myself cooking a meal and sorting things out. We are going to make the final move at the end of the month even if it sometimes seemed unlikely that the workers will ever finally finish. But I am slowly packing things up and carting them over every time I go to the house. I hear the door open and Terry walk in, hang up his overcoat, stow his laptop and attaché case, loosen his tie, sling his jacket - the nightly rituals. I pour him a beer and bring it through to him; he grins and takes it gratefully, kisses me softly and then drinks it down, belches and laughs at himself. Men!

He is hungry and goes through to the kitchen to start nibbling at dinner; I slap his hands and tell him to wash up and behave. "Come and have a shower with me, love. You know how a boy needs a bath toy..." I refuse. He picks me up and throws me over his shoulder, roughly, his caveman act. Then he freezes and drops me gently to the ground.

"I'm sorry. I just forgot for a moment. Jesus, are you OK?" His face looks worried.

"Terry...you can't do me any harm with a bit of play. Honestly. If I am pregnant then it would take a lot more than that for anything bad to happen."

He sighs and ran his hands through his hair. "Nothing yet then? How many days?"

"You know how many. Nine. Terry I bought some kits to test..."

"Bloody hell, so did I!"

"What?"

He shrugs. "I went out at lunchtime and bought a couple. Didn't have a fucking clue about them but the girl on the counter reckoned they were sound. Got two just in case."

"You asked an assistant? What did she say?"

"Just answered my question. Told her my girlfriend was overdue, what did she recommend for a testing kit. She pulled two out, I bought them."

I shake my head. "I bought three. Now we have five. Well...we are certainly gonna be sure, boss, whatever the answer is." I think he hears the rueful tone in my voice for he sits down and joins his hands together.

"Let's do it now. No more waiting. If you are, one of these bloody sets will show it. Come on...I can't wait any longer, Tink."

A few minutes later we are in the bathroom, surrounded by the blasted things. He reads the instructions, explains them to me as if I can't read and then hovers about.

"Do you want me to leave?" he asks nervously, scratching at his hair.

"Leave? The bathroom?" I ask incredulously.

"Well...yeah...I thought maybe you wanted a bit of privacy. It's a bit personal..."

"I'm only going to pee on them. I think you've witnessed me peeing before. Terry...you were there at the conception...you'll be there at the birth...don't you think you ought to be here now for this? It is the most momentous moment of all so far. Please, I don't want to be alone."

He kneels down by me, his hands on my knees. "I wanna be here. You know I do...I just don't want to make things hard for you..."

I slip my arms round his neck and kiss him. "Hard for me? How could you do that? You're the one that makes this possible...never forget that!"

And so I do the test with Terry standing back, leaning on the vanity unit, his arms folded and a curious look upon his face; it seems to be a mixture of wonder and surprise. He cannot believe this moment had come at last.

The minutes ticked by and he holds his wrist, checking on his watch. I sit on the loo seat, my head bowed, numb. The room is so silent that it hurt my ears. And then he speaks softly. "Time's up, love."

I pick up the accursed thing from its resting place on the ledge around the bath and stare at it. My eyes seem to swim and then I pass it to him. He pauses and then simply sinks to his knees as I fall into his arms and cry. He says nothing but I feel the wetness on his face as he presses his cheek against mine.

"Bloody waste of money," I whisper, half laughing, half crying. "Should have bought just one. Can you take the others back and get a refund?"

He laughs softly and wiped my face. "You're going to be a Mum."

"You're going to be a Dad."

And we both laugh some more as he pulls me to my feet and lifts me into his arms. "I love you above all things," he mutters as he dips his head to kiss me.

"Just wait until you meet this little beauty," I reply, instinctively patting my stomach where our baby lay, snug and warm inside me and within its father's arms.

Apart from Heather and Lachlan we had told nobody and it felt like an insult to the others. But what could we do? It was impossible to find the ideal time to broach the subject and we both had pretty shrewd ideas of the possible response. So we kept mum. Or Dad. Whatever.

Dino was over for an important AGM. It was ages since I had seen him- since the Temple week, actually, and that seemed a lifetime ago. Of course there had been issues there that neither of us cared to resurrect and, although we had talked on IM and the phone, we had been avoiding each other. But Terry and he are friends and I know they both missed each other.

He burst in with Terry about seven- they had had a few drinks already, evidently, and were in good spirits. Dino swept me up, big wet kiss, and danced me all around the room, singing in my ear like Fred Astaire "You stepped out of dream..." I giggled and Terry shouted. "Get your hands off my woman." Dino bent me back with a flourish and planted a kiss on the hollow between my breasts. That man pushes his luck as far as it can go.

"And now...a drink. What'll it be, sweetheart? Gin? Wine? Scotch?"  Dino headed to the bar and went to pour but I declined, using dinner as an excuse - there were things to do in the kitchen. Giving a pointed nod to Terry to change the subject, he thankfully called Dino over and showed him his latest acquisition to the bloody arsenal. Boys and their toys, hey?

The dinner was not elaborate: just steak and salad with a home-made soup to start with and a simple store-bought dessert. But I still hid in the kitchen awhile and let them talk, aware that eventually someone would have to be told something and Dino was probably the best place to start.

So we sat around the dining table and the boys tucked in and talked and I sat watching them, enjoying that male camaraderie that seems to recall their childhood no matter how 'adult' the subject of their conversation might be. I ate quietly and sipped at my water, the full glass of red that Dino had poured for me untouched. They were talking about work, guys who were on their staff, stories of things they had got up to- some of them blue - and I had an insight into the world that Terry had inhabited before PW, before Alice. For a long time, my seeming reserve passed by unnoticed. I cleared away the main course and served dessert and coffee and apart from a 'Thanks, honey, that was great', nothing else was said.

Until the phone rang. It was an important call and Terry excused himself to take it in the office. Dino and I sat at different ends of the table for a moment, he playing with a brandy, me pretending to rub at a stain on the tablecloth. Suddenly he stood up and reached for the remains of the bottle.

"Here- let me fill up your wine...hey, that's a full glass! What gives? You given up booze or something?"

I smiled and began piling up the dessert plates, not willing to meet his face. I was aware that he was looking at me even though I did not make eye contact with him. But I knew Dino- he is the most intuitive man there is and he would be working out the possibilities. Just then he stood up and strolled to the CD library that, naturally, Mr Anally Retentive had carefully catalogued in alphabetical order for easy access. So it makes sense? I make my own sense and continually frustrate him either by shoving a CD anywhere, putting the one I take out in the cover of the one I am putting on (he HATES that) or just leaving the CDs lying around WITHOUT covers and preferably PILED on top of each other. That is a firing squad offence, I believe, in the army.

But I digress. As a result of our carefully coded system, Dino quickly found what he was apparently looking for and slipped in the disc, selecting a specific track. He walked over to me, took the dishes from my hand and set them down before taking my hand and leading me off the carpet to the polished floor.

"Let's dance." He swung me into his arms as the music began. My first thought as I heard the vaguely familiar intro was 'odd choice'. I'm hardly an Elvis fan; this is another of Terry's car favourites. But I grinned - it seemed harmless enough and we began to move.

The way she walks,
The way she talks
How long can I pretend?
Oh I can't help that I'm in love 
With the girl of my best friend
Her lovely hair,
Her skin so fair
I could go on and never end
Oh, I can't help that I'm in love
With the girl of my best friend

As the lyrics soaked into my brain, I stiffened and tried to pull away- he held me firm and whispered 'No!' in my ear. As we shimmied round, he sang the words into my ear.

The way they kiss
Their happiness
Will my achin' ever end?
Or will I always be in love
With the girl of my best friend?

The song ended and I shrugged his hands away. "How dare you! He's only next door! That was a bastard thing to do," I hissed at him.

Dino hunched his shoulders and bit his lip. "I know. Uma, I promised I wouldn't mention it again. I'm sorry. Bad taste. But, you know, I'm a Brother now and that changes everything. You can ask for a visit. Terry knows that- he doesn't stop you seeing the others, does he? Or does he? When's the last time you saw anybody? I can't remember you posting an invite. Not for weeks. What gives? Is he laying the law down? Cos if he is, he has no right. He sees other women."

"It's none of your business and you have no right to challenge me on anything. There's nothing obligatory in this Game. We do what we wish and if I don't want to ask you for a visit or anyone else for that matter, then I am perfectly at liberty not to do so. What do you think we are - whores who give it out for free?" I snapped at him, and turned my back, tears pricking in my eyes.

"Christ, Uma...Jesus...is that how you think I see you? I didn't mean it like that. And the song was a sick joke. I'm sorry. I just meant, I like you, I always have- I wanted you to know that. You just seem so distant these days - the pair of you. Playing house over here- He's refusing work that requires traveling. More deskbound than I am- very out of character for him. I just wondered if he was getting too domineering- he can be very single-minded when he wants something and he is very possessive..."

"And I am very pregnant..." I said the words and for a moment Dino appeared not to absorb the meaning, opening his mouth to continue with a list of Terry's negative qualities. And then his mouth dropped open.

"What did you say?"

I swallowed deep and chewed on a ragged nail. "I'm pregnant, Dino. Six weeks' pregnant. He paled; I had really thrown him a curve ball.

"How can you be? What did you do? Surrogate? Sleep with some other guy? Jesus- Terry went for that? Man..."

"It's Terry's baby. Do you honestly think I would have any other man's?" 

"Terry's? But..." At that moment Terry walked back into the room, a smile on his face cut off by the sight of the two of us staring at each other.

"Something up?" he asked.

I walked towards him at the door and whispered. "I told him. Deal with it," and ran out of the room into the kitchen. I was shaking now that I had done the deed. The first word was out - had I unleashed Hell?

I don't think I have ever cleaned the kitchen more thoroughly after a meal than that evening. But eventually I had to return to the others, intending merely to say good night and disappear. Dino and Terry were sitting in the lounge facing each other, a bottle of Scotch between them, talking quietly. They both looked up and smiled as I entered. Terry gave me a nod and I slipped in next to him, his arm naturally coming round to rest upon my hip and pull me against him.

"Uma...congratulations." I had never heard Dino speak like that before, sort of subdued and respectful. I realized that he was unsure quite how to deal with me now and probably somewhat embarrassed at the pass he had almost made earlier in the evening. Men are strange in the presence of a pregnant woman; they seem to treat her as if she were a different person altogether, someone with whom they had to be distant and proper. Did they imagine that we were no longer the women they had once made love to?

I smiled and glanced up at Terry who gave me a look that implied they had talked. "So you know it all now? The portal? What we did? I'm surprised you aren't falling about laughing. It wasn't exactly the most romantic moment of my life..."

At this Dino grinned and seemed relieved to revert to humour to deal with this. "Wouldn't work with most men, honey. 85 seconds? Only premature ejaculators like my friend Terry here could make the cut..."

"Fuck you." Terry responded with a grin, pouring two more slugs of malt. "I'll have you know that it was a very carefully choreographed mission. Few men are capable of it..."

"...Excuse me, O Great Potent One...I was there, too. It was a double act and don't you forget it. Doesn't matter how fast your little sperm swim, they have to have a pond to splash about in..."

"No fighting, boys and girls. I propose a toast. To both of you and the little one. Here's hoping that it has taken its looks from its Ma; the world does not need any more clones of your mug, Daddy-O."

We all laughed at that but I did start to think about the implications of his words. What would our child look like? Would Lachlan and Heather's baby look in any way like ours? I secretly longed for a little boy like Terry must have been years ago, rucky-headed and mucky, always up to mischief, his pockets full of 'treasure' he had picked up. I think Terry nurtures a hope it might be a girl - he would adore that and I could imagine the bond they would form together. How a daughter would look up to such a father- would he be some act to follow in her life! But we both reckon it will be a boy and are already thinking of male names. Of course we don't agree. Was there ever any chance of that?

The conversation drifted to practical things- time Terry would need to take off when I was due and organizing future projects round his need to stay fairly static during the last month or two. Dino reckoned that Terry should pull out of front line work from now on and merely do an office job; Terry grimaced but did not gainsay him- I think he had already had the thought on his mind, too.

"No, I don't agree." I spoke out firmly on that one. "I don't want him ever doing really dangerous things- of course I don't- but this is not about changing everything in your lifestyle. I hope that you won't take unnecessary risks- as you have definitely done in the past- but if you have to use your skills, then so be it. I accept that is what you are and whatever you think now, I know that you would be frustrated by a desk job- it isn't for you. In the end it would have an impact on our relationship. I'd rather have you as you are than try to change you. Plus...you have to see the Sisters and I'm not holding you back from that. Make your visits- that's fine by me."

Dino said nothing, just swirled the Scotch round in his glass, Terry looked at me seriously.

"She's right, Terry. You can't live like that. Don't pretend you can," Dino suddenly stated.

"I know," Terry grinned ruefully and ran his hand down my cheek; his eyes bored deeply into me and I could almost hear his thoughts.

"Hey, how does that work?" Dino interrupted, "Visits, I mean..." he broke off, realizing that he might have gone a step too far. I turned to him and smiled.

"You tell me. I can't really have a proper visit from a Brother, can I? It wouldn't seem right. But...nothing to stop Terry. And he will probably enjoy the break from me and my erratic moods. Not to mention my cravings..."

Terry laughed and pulled me on his knee. "Ice cream at two in the morning? No, I just love that kind of thing." He kissed the top of my head. "I'm going to the States next week and I'm looking a few of the girls up. I don't know how I intend to play it yet. Let's just see what happens," he shrugged but it was clear the conversation was over. He wouldn't discuss it further before Dino.

I left them to it shortly afterwards, aware that they would probably finish the bottle and get smashed- both because that's what they invariably did on such occasions and this time they actually had something to celebrate. I fell asleep to the sound of their distant laughter and the deep rumbling tones of their voices from two floors below.

I must have slept through Terry's arrival in the bedroom- the first thing I was aware was when I felt a weight on my body and the cooler air hit me. My eyes opened and I saw that Terry had pulled back the covers and pushed up the light cotton slip I was wearing; he was curled around my belly and his hand was circling. He bent and kissed the skin that lay between him and his child. I didn't move, aware that he thought he was being unobserved and that he deserved this private moment with his baby.

He began to talk in a low whisper. I know he was drunk but the words were those he kept inside and rarely voiced; they were not the ramblings of an overly sentimental drunk. What did he say? They were not even meant for my ears, never mind this diary. But I will say this. He tried to explain the way he felt about a lot of things and his tender confession brought tears to my eyes. Suddenly he looked up and caught my eye. He shrugged, a little embarrassed, blushed slightly and then came up to join me, rolling me against him and holding me close. "It's the way I feel, baby. It's just the way I feel."

"I love you, Terry. And I love the way you feel," I whispered to him. His warm arms tightened against me and we lay there until we both drifted off, lost in our own thoughts but united in the moment.

Dino was delighted about our news once the shock had worn off and from then on his stay with us was a blast. He came back the next day with a load of stupid gifts. Soft toys, a false pregnant belly for Terry to share the sensation (Terry retorted 'I have a belly of my own, thank you very much.' Dino replied that it obviously didn't press sufficiently on his bladder- wear this on top. Terry pointed out that if he was to feel my sensations then why didn't Dino buy me an erect dick with no chance of getting any because her girlfriend didn't feel like it- to even things up. I threw the contents of a bowl of fruit at him at that.) He also had another gift for Terry. It was a totally soppy CD of 'Lullabies for Fathers Who Can't Sing'. Of course they had to play that and of course they both had to sing them. I do hope it isn't true that babies are affected by music. Ours will have had its eardrums perforated already.

Just before he left a couple of days later, Dino found me early one morning in the kitchen; Terry was still upstairs getting dressed. He slipped his arms around me as I was at the sink and massaged my tummy softly. "I just wanted to tell you how this makes me feel. I love that guy and I love you, too. This is so good for him. What he really needs. I just wanted you to know this. Take care of yourself. Take care of him. Your secret's safe with me, you know? But you need to tell the others...they're gonna find out soon enough and then they will feel shocked you didn't trust them enough to share."

He turned me round and planted a soft, affectionate kiss on my lips and then pulled away. I poured him a cup of coffee and we sat and had a simple breakfast. Terry joined us and we chatted away, three friends who shared so much between us. But I thought all day about Dino's words. We had to tell the others. It was an event that the group must share. For the first time I realized that this was not just about the two of us. Our child belonged to Perve World, too.

The first hurdle was the men closest to me- those on my list. Lachlan and Hando already knew, of course, but I still felt that Maximus and Jack had a right to know and Bud, too. He was no longer actually on my list but frankly it didn't change anything between us. He would always be my friend and the man I trusted most next to Terry to defend me when I needed a friend.  He was not best pleased me when I posted a request but he finally agree to a date. Jack was easier, delighted and open to a meeting. Maximus was cool and cautious. He accepted my invitation but it was hardly done with warmth or much grace.

As the timetable went, it was Maximus that I saw first for lunch in New York. You remember the diary- now you know what I told him. He was wonderful about it.

"It is as it should be. A woman should be a mother. You of all women need the stability of a home and a child." He had stopped and looked away. I had no doubts what he was thinking about.

"Say it, Max...say it. You wanted that for us, didn't you? You thought that would bind me to you?"

He shook his head. "No, I thought I would bind you to me and that the child would be the gift I could give you. Instead it failed, as many things in my life have. But I am still happy for you...for both of you. Is he delighted with the news?" There was a slight sense that he was forcing this comment. He had met and talked with Terry that morning and must realise now that Terry knew we were planning lunch and what I would tell him. He would wonder if he had missed any silent gloating on Terry's part.

"Very happy. He wants this so much. We both do."

"Then that is good. I wish you the best of health and a safe delivery, although such things are no longer fraught with danger as in my day... I apologise, I shouldn't have mentioned that..." I could see his grimace of embarrassment at the unguarded comment; he finds such moments difficult.

I smiled and took his hand in mine as we walked along. "No...it isn't chancing Fate to speak like that. Not to me anyway. I am not afraid of labour. Just the pain! I shall demand enormous amounts of drugs, make a lot of noise, swear at everyone and thoroughly embarrass Terry." He laughed.

"Make sure you do that. The man is far too smug." Maximus replied with a typically smug look on his own face.

"Unlike Maximus the Humble, you mean?" We both laughed heartily at that and I felt giddy with happiness. The problems we had shared on our last meeting were disappearing and I felt one day we would reach a place again where we could resume our undoubted affection. But he would not have made a move on me in my condition nor would I have allowed it.

Jack was the next victim. I felt a little guilty about that. Terry and I had discussed how we would tell the others and had agreed that we ought to start with those on our lists but he had pulled back from telling Ann; yet I was committed now to seeing Jack. It was complicated. I don't know the ins and outs of it all, because Terry would never have revealed the contents of private mails to me, but the upshot was that Ann and he had had some kind of disagreement and she was also very involved with her own dilemma. He felt this was the wrong time to lay this pregnancy stuff on her.

But if I didn't tell Jack, then I would have to sleep with him. God, that sounds awful. I could say no- but it would hardly be likely for me to ask him to spend a couple of days in a hotel with me and then for nothing to happen. He would either be curious or offended- or maybe even hurt - and I know he has had a lot to deal with lately. The last thing I wanted to do was make him feel rejected.

But it would mean that he would now be party to a secret that Ann did not know. How fair was that on Jack- or Ann? I had even contemplated telling her myself but Terry would have been furious. So I went along with it still harbouring a strong feeling that this would rebound on us all one day.

Jack met me in a suite in the Plaza hotel. It was not the one I had shared with Terry - I have some morals. We had to be discreet. His film was barely out, Russell was in the States, and his image was bound to attract comment at some point. Nor did I wish for Russell to be accused of some clandestine affair with another woman when his own wife was pregnant. I wouldn't hurt him for the world.

I smiled when I saw Jack standing outside the door of the suite with a woolen hat pulled down on his head and a swarthy growth of beard. Inadvertently he probably looked more like Russell than ever but he seemed to have escaped notice thankfully. He slipped into the room, threw down his bag and picked me up, swinging me around with his usual bear-like welcome. I let him, loving his enthusiasm and gaining confidence from his strength.

"Put me down, you big oaf." He did so, laughing.

"And how are you, Uma...you look...actually you look rather pale and sickly. Let me order up some red meat for you and a glass or two of Claret - put some colour back into those pretty cheeks..."

I shook my head and took his hand. "No, Jack...I'm not hungry, really. Jack, we need to talk..."

"Later...pillow talk... first pleasure, that's the thing...perk you up no end..." I batted his hand away and motioned for him to sit by me.

"No, Jack. You must let me finish. Promise me you will let me speak and say nothing to interrupt until I have finished?"

He frowned, already alert to something amiss, and did as he was told. Taking his hand in mine, I began.

"There is no easy way to tell you this. I must simply go ahead and give it to you straight. But first, I must say this. What I am about to tell you is private and for your ears only. I do not wish anyone to hear it from your mouth, although I will tell everyone when the time is right. Not even Ann, Jack. Can you keep a secret like that, even from her? If you feel that is wrong then you must say so now and I will go no further."

He thought pensively, his brow furrowed and his lips pursed. "I am not unused to secrets- although Stephen was more inclined to those than I. But as a captain I had many pieces of information that I would never share with even those most close to me. As does Ann. Is this something that will have consequences for Ann and me?"

I chewed that one over for a while. "Not really. It isn't about Ann at all. Or anyone. Just Terry and me."

"Then...fire away." He smiled, patted his knee and I slipped onto it. Lying with my head on his shoulder and playing with his hair. I gave him my secret.

"Jack...I'm in a certain condition."

He pulled back and gave me a quizzical look. "You can't mean that you are...with child?"

I nodded, taking his hand and placing it on my naked belly underneath the little jumper I was wearing. "It doesn't show yet. I'm only about seven weeks. But it is confirmed and there is a baby in there. No doubts about that."

I watched as his face rearranged itself; wonderment, surprise and joy all passing across in turn.

"Say something, Jack."

"I don't know what to say. How? Was it an accident? I mean...could we all be...? Forgive me, I don't quite know how to phrase this..."

I breathed deeply and filled him in. I could see that he was shocked- recently he has been back and forth through portals and perhaps it was occurring to him that given the circumstances this might have happened to him and Ann.

"Are you angry with us?" His silence was beginning to disturb me; with Jack it can mean that he is nursing a slow burning anger that is fearsome to behold. Or it can be that he is merely confused and trying to understand something unfamiliar.

"Angry? Why would I be angry? No, not at all. I am ...delighted for you both. A child is always a great joy...although they are curious little things. Never really got the point of babies, myself. When they start to look like humans, however, I am rather taken with them..."

I giggled, remembering his own bewilderment in the presence of his twin daughters- the little 'turnip heads'. But he had loved his children fiercely, that had always been evident, even if they had remained something of a mystery to him. "You must miss your own children, Jack. Even though you were often apart, they were still there for you when you returned..."

He frowned and appeared reluctant to answer. "Yes. But that is life. I could have died every time I went to war. When I left home, part of me always knew I might never return. We lived with loss more easily than you do. It was commonplace in our time."

"Yes, but...still...do you ever wonder... I mean did you wish that you and Ann might...?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"I have no need for further children. She has no wish for that, either. I was never much of a father and frankly do not wish for the encumbrance of children beneath my feet. But each to his own. A child is always a wonderful gift. And a woman is beautiful when she is with child. A bit of weight will do you good, too. I prefer my women with a slight cushion..."

We both laughed as his eyes danced playfully. He sighed and shook his head. "Well, that rather changes my plans for the weekend, doesn't it?"

I shrugged. "I don't know. What is the PW etiquette in such cases? I'd rather not...you know...I think Terry would have some issues with it...in fact, so do I. But I think we should still sleep together and I can do things for you...you know I would..."

Jack chuckled. "I am not a beast. My prick is not quite as importunate as you seem to think. I would not presume to impose on a woman in an... interesting condition. Quite out of the question. Only a blaggard would behave in that way. No, we will occupy ourselves sedately. I think a hand of cards, some television...perhaps a walk? But...I think we can share a bed. I would appreciate your closeness in the night."

And so it was that Jack and I spent a chaste but amusing few days in a hotel, dodging the public who might assume that The Man himself was being a naughty boy while he did his promo stuff for Master and Commander. The diary is elsewhere. I told no lies.

Hey copper,

Really, really need to see you. I know you're mad with me but I want to explain. I have to see you soon. How about 21st November? I know it is close to Thanksgiving but I simply can't wait any longer. Please, say you will come...make it all up to you then. Just a couple of days if you can spare them.

On my knees , Bud...surely you can't say no to that??

Uma xx 

 

I read and re-read the entry and almost deleted it- but in the end I decided to let it go and posted. I had to see him. Bud was once my Number Two and he had originally been my first Brother. He made such an impression on me back then that I didn't even contact Terry for weeks although he was the man I had most wanted to meet. I reckon I was lousy at this Game from Day One.

What I am trying to say is, Bud and I had clicked in a way that I had never expected to, and he has always held a very special place in my heart. But I don't discuss it much. Not even sure anyone else realizes it. Both of us let a kind of myth grow up that began with some jokes about cuffs on the board and it suited us to let everyone think we were just two sex beasts when we got together. That has always amused me. Especially as I have never actually written much about what Bud and I do together. Sometimes the power of suggestion is far more seductive than the actual revelation. Interesting thought.

Rambling, Uma...back to the point. I need to tell him. He has a right to know. He is unsure why I have never asked for him in months and thinks that I am no longer interested in him. That hurts him. He was always my friend and I have confided in him before...suddenly I pull away. So I decided to see him. God knows what I will say- or how he will react- but something tells me that, of all of the Brothers, he will defend me to the hilt. I told Terry that Bud was coming. He was off to spend a week with Darcy, probably to tell her himself what we were up to. I know he was worried about leaving me and despite his uneasiness at having Bud near me, I think he knew that he was probably the best man to keep an eye on me while I was alone. He didn't ask what I intended to do with Bud. I didn't tell him. This time he will simply have to trust me.

I met Bud at the airport- I had just attended my first ante-natal check up, was clutching a photo of our child in my handbag and on an emotional high- the reason why I was so late to pick him up. I willed myself to calm down. I didn't want him to suspect anything was amiss - Bud is remarkable astute and I would have hated him to find out in such a public place.

I saw him from a distance strolling along with that rolling gait of his, eyes darting from side to side, missing nothing, his face expressionless. He looked great. Why wouldn't he? He had it all now. A woman who adored him, a home of his own, a job that made him hold his head up and the love of a group of women, amongst whom his masculinity was legendary.

I knew he had seen me, but he's too cool to make a show. He simply walked up, took my hand and pulled me in close, whispering... "Been too long, baby", into my ear, and licking my lobe sensuously. I shivered.

Once or twice on the drive back I noticed him looking at me, a little curiously. He misses nothing even if he is not always sure of the significance of what he sees. Something was bugging him and I could see his thought processes run across his face. I wondered what he made of me.

I took him to the house, at last free of workers, and showed him around. He didn't say much, just "Nice place". I don't expect he's very interested in house décor and I imagine old places like this don't mean much to him either. But you never know with Bud. He can be so hard to fathom at times, particularly when he is worrying a different problem in his mind. Tour over, we ended up in the kitchen where I made a pot of coffee and poured him a Scotch.

"Join me." He asked.

I shook my head. "A bit too early for me to start drinking."

He laughed. "For you? Thought you were always game for it." He smiled but there was a question there. He knew something was wrong and he was stalking me. Suddenly he put down his glass and grabbed my hand, pulling me against him. I smelt the slight whisky-tinged scent of his breath and my stomach heaved a little. Tastes and smells have a way of doing that to me at the moment. I felt myself grow pale and struggled against the desire to throw up.

"Remember the first time? In your kitchen up north? You were nervous that night. Like a little wind up toy...you're nervous tonight. Why? Are you scared of me all of a sudden? Jesus...you gonna spew?"

I pulled away and dashed out of the room, barely making it to the bathroom off the hall, retching noisily and spilling my guts. I groaned in more than discomfort. What a start to the visit!

Washing down my face and gargling, I staggered out into the hall. Bud was standing, leaning against the hall stairs, watching.

"Spill. I wanna know how you did this." He spoke quietly but his gaze was intense.

"Did what?"

"You're having a baby, Uma. I knew something was different the moment I saw you. You look softer...quieter...more womanly...I can't explain it. But I can feel it. Who's the father? How the fuck did you get yourself in this mess? That why I'm here? To get between you and him when you tell the old man? Jesus Christ, you are one crazy girl..."

I suddenly realized what he thought and I found myself laughing at the idea. I suppose the build up of tension had to be dissipated somehow- but he was not amused at all. "I say something funny? Jesus Christ!" He swallowed down the rest of the Scotch and turned as if to grab his jacket.

"No...Bud, please...Oh God...you've got it all wrong..."

"You trying to tell me you're not knocked up? Cos, honey, I'm not fuckin' buying that..."

I walked over and put my hand on his arm. "I didn't want it to come out like this..."

"What - you were going to let me find out while I was fucking you?" Bud can be so crude when he wants to be.

"NO! Just stop jumping to conclusions and give me a chance to speak!" I shouted rather belligerently and he backed off, shrugged and walked into the lounge. We sat down facing in each other.

"So...speak." He gave me his aggressive face; I know it really means he is affected emotionally by something and struggling to hide it.

I took a breath, a deep one, and began. "I'm two months' pregnant. Terry is the father. I know you will find that hard to believe - but it is the truth. We found a way. I am so scared of telling everyone that I have simply avoided the issue but I can't anymore. Everyone is going to ask questions if I don't have visits and it's only a matter of time until someone sees me and I can't hide it any longer. I wanted to tell you as soon as I could because you were my Number 2 and because I care so much about you and what you think of me...I also need your help with the others. Terry needs your help. We don't know what to do..."

To be fair to Bud, he took it gamefully, showing very little emotion at first. "You and Terry? Is this something to do with the portal?" he asked. I nodded. "Who else knows?"

"Lachlan, Heather, Hando, Teener, Dino, Jack, Maximus..." He blew out slowly.

"None of the other Sisters? You didn't tell Darce, Iz, Ann?"

I shook my head. "If Darce knew, you would know."

"Not if you asked her not to tell. You know how discreet she is." He was right; I wish I had her integrity. I blushed and hung my head.

"I'm not sure what they will say."

"Maybe you should give them a chance to tell you. You might be surprised," he flung back sharply.

"Are you angry with me, Bud?"

He looked straight at me; I squirmed a little in his gaze.

"Angry?" He smiled and slipped from the chair onto his knees before me. "I'm just fuckin' blown away. A baby? Jesus Christ. A Perve World baby? My gut reaction is that it's the best thing I've heard all year. But...I know this is going to cause trouble. You know it. Thorne knows it. Why did you do it?"

I stroked his face. "You have to ask?" He inclined his head as if to show his assent. "Bud, have you never wondered about it?"

He hunched his shoulders. "Sure. Who hasn't? But it was never gonna happen for me there or here. I'm a realist. So I let it drop." His hand reached out and he instinctively touched my stomach and then pulled away, uncomfortable, embarrassed.

"It's OK, Bud. Touch me. I'm the same person as before. Just got a little passenger for now..." I took his hand and placed it beneath the shirt I was wearing and let him skim over my stomach.  I saw the flicker of wonderment in his eyes and a half smile form on his lips.

"What do you want me to do, Uma? How can I help?" His immediate generosity brought tears to my eyes- but I expected nothing less from him.

"Just your support over the next few months, especially when I tell the others. Would you talk to Darcy for me? If she wants to talk about it then she can call me. If she thinks I've made a bad mistake then ...I understand. I don't expect everyone to agree."

He nodded. "She'll stand by you. You know she will. She'll be delighted for both of you. Jesus...a baby! Christ...does that make me an uncle?"

"Reckon it does. Uncle Bud. You're not mad at me then?"

"You didn't do this alone, honey. Not sure I agree with your old man pushing you into this but then me and Thorne don't see eye to eye on a whole crapload of things. But how can I be mad with you? You just make me want you more...especially now that I can't have you...ain't that a fact?" He gave me his wistful look, his voice dropping almost to a whisper. He has the softest voice of all of them- I suddenly realized it then.

I didn't have to explain. Bud knew that sex was not on the cards. Actually I doubt if he would have wanted to even had I encouraged it. He has very rigid views on certain things and I reckon that a mother to him is someone he would most certainly put on a pedestal. No way would he regard a pregnant woman as a sex object.

Bud stayed the week. We slept together. It was chaste and warm. He saw me naked and was fascinated by the early changes to my body. I tried to love him and he pushed my hands away. It was out of the question and I didn't compromise him by trying to take it further. I know when he is digging his heels in. But he still held me in his arms and we talked as we always do- just this time we managed it without needing an orgasm first. It was kind of special.

"What are you going to write?" Bud asked on the day he was leaving.

"I won't say anything. Have I ever really told them about me and you?" He smiled and kissed my lips, running his thumb over as if to massage his touch in.

"No...you never have. And I don't reckon you ever will..." he turned to pick up his luggage; I tugged on his arm.

"When this is over, when the baby is born, Bud...I want you to have a proper visit. Things will get back to normal and I want to be your lover again. I don't care what anyone says."

He observed me thoughtfully. "Maybe, sweetheart. Not gonna be easy. Let's see what happens, hey?"

I pulled his head down to mine and kissed him, forcing his lips open and tongue-kissing him roughly, even lewdly. For a second he made as if to back off but then he gave in and responded. It was a highly sexual kiss; I wanted him to remember. "I know what will happen and so do you...you can't help yourself and nor can I. Was I ever easy? So what's new?"

He grinned and shook his head at me, pointing his finger as if to warn me to behave. I stood by the door and watched the retreating taxi with a warm glow inside. Bud always makes me feel like that. So cherished. So safe.