DECEMBER 2003

The first really big challenge was going to be the birthday party. You may wonder what on earth possessed me to arrange something at that point in time that would have meant we were risking discovery. Well, that was actually the original point. Terry and I sat down one day and decided that we needed to get everyone together and make our little announcement. What a perfect time and place- Terry's 40th birthday. It would also mean that we could talk things out face to face, so much better than emails and IMs. That had been the theory anyway. Of course things took a nosedive. Terry and Ann's fallout got worse and he simply didn't want to tell her at the moment, particularly with the notions that she had been discussing recently about the so called 'married' men and how she didn't want to continue her sexual relationship with them, because it would feel like adultery. Furthermore, she also seemed a little annoyed about this development where the Numbers Ones seemed more to be living a marriage than the loose bonds that had earlier existed.

I was a little peeved at some of her comments if the truth be known and I expect Terry had voiced similar complaints. We weren't married and had no intention of being so. She and Jack were publicly in love and I resented that she felt that to be acceptable but the relationship I had with Terry had somehow overstepped some invisible line in the sand.  But Terry was right; we couldn't lay it on her now. We would have to wait until such a time when she was more amenable, Terry would talk her round eventually, he always does. That's what he's good at. Or so the theory goes...

But now we had the problem of the party. We couldn't cancel without exciting suspicions, so I talked it over with Heather, Teener and Darcy and we decided to go ahead with it and they would all work hard to keep things under wraps. The main difficulty lay with the danger of one of the men inadvertently saying something, particularly if he had had a lot of booze. Jack was a major concern but we would have to keep an eye on him and be ready to jump in and gag him if he made any stupid remark. Why is nothing ever easy with me?

Just before they all descended, Terry and I had a lovely evening alone together where we celebrated out first anniversary together. It was amazing to think of the distance we had traveled since he first came a-visiting. My gift to him was simple. It was a picture of our child taken from the ultra sound image. He shed a few tears at the sight of it and slipped it into his wallet, next to the St Christopher medal that he still carries- not because he believes in its efficacy but simply because I asked him to. We made a few promises to each other that night and both talked at length about where we would be a year's hence. Parents of a six month old baby, no less. The idea was still almost too much for either of us to believe, even though there seemed to be the slight beginnings of a tiny roundness in my belly. The first sign that I was really pregnant.

That November had also brought both of us to a new understanding of each other's pasts. We had to struggle with information that hurt us and made us very sad but I know that it was the reality of parenthood that made us face our demons at last and reveal to each other what we should have done a long time ago. Terry still feared that somewhere in his psyche wounds were festering and that he might one day suffer some bad shit as a result. He wondered if this was fair on me and our child. I laughed in the face of that. He would never do us any harm; of that I was quite sure.

My fear was more real. I still lingered under a notion that not only was I not a fit partner for a fine man like Terry but that I was not a fit mother for anybody's child. But Terry taught me that life doesn't work like that. We are not born as good parents or partners- we make ourselves into them if we try hard enough. I promised him that I would be the best I could be; he told me he had never had any doubts anyway. He makes me feel so secure and proud of myself. I almost believe that what he tells me about myself is true.

I told Arthur the day before Terry's birthday party when he had turned up at the house with Angharad in tow. He listened to me openmouthed. "Having a baby? Really? A real baby?" His eyes drifted to my stomach. I blushed and smiled at him.

"It's still early days yet, Arthur. I won't show for a while yet but it is confirmed. I have passed the test, seen a doctor and even have a picture of our child. Look." I had pulled the Polaroid shot from my handbag and let him see; his eyes seemed to grow even larger.

"But how? We're infertile. Or else we would be knee deep in children by now." I laughed and told him what I knew. He shook his head in awe.

"You and Terry- you went for that? In such a public place? He must have been very determined. I bet he's the proudest man alive now. I would be."

I ruffled back his hair. "We all have the right to happiness, Arthur. No one dictates that but ourselves. At the end of the day, everyone in the Game is looking for their way to make it work. I cannot help it if our way doesn't please others. Maybe the reverse is sometimes true but we must all learn to share - and that doesn't only mean partners."

He nodded thoughtfully. "But there could be consequences. What of the Lady? She is a force to be reckoned with. I have little knowledge but I know that she is powerful and has her own vision for our world. You risk her anger, Yooma."

"I know. But in the final analysis what can she do? I am carrying a child now and it is by using the very portal that she set up that I achieved it. Maybe she wants us to use our initiative and explore the potential- who knows?  In the end all the others will accept once they have had time to adjust. Terry and I are not withdrawing from the Game. Maybe I will be less active for a while but there's no reason for Terry to be."

Arthur thought about that for a while. "Perhaps. But I am not sure that it can work quite like that. But who knows indeed? You two will soon find out and you have my support in whatever you do. I'm going to be an uncle. I love babies. I'm very happy for you both, you know I am..." He leaned over and kissed me softly on the lips. I know he will never let me down but I took his words of caution to heart. He was right. We were fools if we didn't face up to the inevitable trials that the future would bring.

The party was hard work but worth it. Terry deserved every minute of our efforts for him. The story is told elsewhere. I won't go over it again.

We went home for Christmas- an ordeal to be sure - but one that had to be faced- and somehow I thought that it might be the best time to deal with such a sensitive topic. Of course, I buggered it up and my Mum and Dad thought I was bringing my new beau home to announce our engagement. Cue the usual mayhem that I seem to attract whatever I try to do. Terry was amazing and handled everything with his charm and his quiet manly composure. He won my Dad over- even if he did make the usual grunts- utterly swept my Mum off her feet, wet the knickers of the entire female population of my family- all ages- and even got the teenage boys to chat and the little kids to hang off him. In short he played his part to perfection. Even if we did reveal ourselves to be living in sin and about to produce illegitimate issue.

Christmas was much more enjoyable than either of us had expected. There was something about the sentiments of the time of year that resonated in me for the first time in years and even Terry felt moved enough to come to church on Christmas Day. I also felt that I had, for once, done something to make my parents' proud. They have put up with an awful lot from me over the years and stuck by me although I have rarely given much back. Now they were getting a grandchild and a very fine man into the family. I think at last I have found something to repay them for the mess that was me.

On Boxing Day we left, a little tearfully in the case of me and Mum, and drove North to the Lake District. Terry had booked a weekend post-Christmas break at one of the most beautiful hotels overlooking Coniston Water- an old mansion, beautifully restored to its former glory. With his usual style, Terry had booked the best suite -a lofty, elegant Victorian chamber, four poster bed and ornate heavy velvet hangings. The views of the lake were stunning.

I bounced on the bed while Terry unpacked his case- why is he so methodical? After he moaned at me a few times, I did the same while he settled down in the lounge, apparently to watch the Boxing Day sporting programme. As I put away the last of my clothes and laid out a rather sexy little negligee on the bed for later, I found a small parcel wrapped in gold and silver Christmas paper. I shook my head- he had already bought me a gift- an impossibly expensive, discreetly beaded silk evening stole shot through with gold. Why had he got me something else? The man is crazy with money. He spoils me far too much.

I sat cross-legged on the bed and opened the present. It was a jewellery box and inside was an exquisitely wrought gold and diamond cross on a chain. His note read:

I have the medal. You two also need a talisman. I'm not always here. Will He do as a replacement? Your Mum even got it blessed for me. Am I going soft?

Tx

I charged into the other room and jumped on his knee. "You shouldn't have! You waste too much money on me!" I whispered.

He shrugged. "What else am I going to do with it all? Can't take it with me."

I stroked back his hair. "You gave me a child. There is no other gift to compare with that."

His hands stroked my stomach and he smiled softly. "I just want you to be safe. I don't want anything ever to hurt you again."

"It can't. Nothing has the power to come between us now."

He held me close but didn't answer. I wondered what was in his mind but shrugged the slightly uneasy feeling away. I would not give into melancholy now. But the moment passed. He stood up, still holding me, and spun me round in his arms. We moved into the bedroom and fell upon the rich tapestry bedcover. There we stripped each other slowly; he fastened on the cross and chain.

"All the decoration you need." We made love slowly and lazily in the late afternoon gloom, the room lit only by the crackling blaze from the large roaring fire. I can close my eyes now and remember the feeling. Rolling waves of pleasure, his body hard and strong above me, my tiny exhalations of air as he thrust purposefully but gently, rhythmically, deep within me and the accompanying grunts the effort forced from him. Soft low sounds, the crackle of the logs on the fire, the darkness lit only by the flames and the light of his eyes as we stared at each other. If I could have frozen time that moment then I would have done; if I could find my way back to that moment then I would gladly spend my entire life in his arms. It seems to me now to be the very soul of what we were; the moment when everything at last seemed perfect and impossible to shatter. How foolish is the notion of a rock- it only takes a tiny fissure to undermine the greatest wall.

JANUARY 2004

New Year at the Temple. I would have given a king's ransom to have stayed away but Terry said 'No can do.' We had to make the effort. The trouble was I had suddenly grown a tummy. It was completely uncanny. At my checkup in early December, I seemed thinner than ever- no doubt after weeks of throwing up almost every thing I put in my mouth (yes, it had rather put Terry off oral sex) but by the time I went for my next on the morning before we flew to the States, I had grown quite disturbingly, so much so that my doctor suggested twins and set about scanning me for evidence. I almost fainted away and Terry smirked and made comments like "Crowie can only manage one at a time." He is so immature at times.

There was only one. Thank God.

But clothes were a problem. I spent the rest of the day searching for an outfit that would put everyone off the scent, which kind of explains why I turned up on the night in question wearing a dress that was known by several nicknames... 'Your Tinkerbell outfit' (Terry), 'Kylie in Moulin Rouge' (Jeff), Santa's little Helper (John Biebe), Elf ( Arthur), The Fairy on the Christmas Tree ( Paul). Maximus just gave me a quizzical look. Lachlan said 'You see things like that when you're starved of oxygen at a high altitude.' Cort thought I was a Naiad. Bud said I was Busby Berkeley Babe.  This all came about because Terry insisted on telling everyone that I had thought it was a costume party.

"Uma got the wrong end of the stick. I reckon it's 'Tinkerbell' but she's offering a prize to the person who gets it right...be careful, ladies...you won't like the prize."

"Ha ha ha, Captain Hook. Or is it Peter Pan? I offered you a pair of green tights..." I challenged.

"No, you'd never eat a Brussels sprout again, love," he threw back. I giggled. The old ones are the best ones. But at least it sort of took the attention away from my futile efforts at camouflage. Heather had definitely thought more lucidly about it all. She had a black dress on covered by a beautiful stole which I later discovered was a gift from Maximus. She had done really well because she is showing more than I am. She's a week or so further on- maybe hers is an extra big one, too. I can see Lachlan fathering a strapping bouncing baby - but then I can't exactly imagine Terry's offspring will be tiny.

The evening passed smoothly, although Terry told me later he had heard a few of the younger men commenting that I looked as though I had put on weight. Apparently they approved. Dirty buggers. Terry said he just gave them a gentle warning. Something like- "I wouldn't say that to her if I were you. And I wouldn't make personal comments about my woman in my hearing either if you know what's good for you, lads." They apparently got the message.

I stuck pretty close to Terry all evening and he made a show of appearing to want my company all the time. I left a lot of offered drinks lying around. Isobel said I looked a bit tired. I complained of jetlag on top of too much Christmas cheer. A few mentioned I was not my usual Hurricane self. I just smiled a bit wanly and offered to dance naked on a table. Terry nudged me and told me to be civil.

It was a late night and I was wasted the next day, staying close to my room much of the time. Most people would presume I was sleeping off a hangover. The next day Terry took me and Heather out on a drive while Lachlan got his head down before the long flight. We left mid afternoon for the airport and breathed a sigh of relief that it had passed off so smoothly after all. On the drive in, Lachlan suddenly spoke from the back where he was still apparently dozing. "Why didn't we tell them?"

The car fell silent and Terry finally answered. "Not sure I actually know the answer to that." But there was an unspoken reply hovering in the air. We were all afraid that this was a step too far. Somewhere at the back of our minds was the haunting doubt that we had made the irretrievable mistake.

Our trip to Oz was just what we needed; simply the most wonderful holiday imaginable. Apart from the fact, that is, that I was always feeling carsick, Heather and I had to pee every few miles, I got sunburned everywhere and everyone else went golden brown and my red, peeling botty was the source of much amusement, and of course I upset Heather and Lachlan. Lachlan's revelations about his experiences in the war and after did threaten to cast a pall over the trip, but strangely had the opposite effect in the end. It sort of closed a circle for the four of us; each of us had a wound that we had carried of one form or another for much of our adult lives and together we were healing and moving on. Somehow the knowledge that we four would soon be six seemed to be the explanation that we all sought for the questions that had haunted us. For if we had not made it thus far and loved each other as we did, then these children would have never been conceived. It simply made sense of all our lives until this moment. I reckon we believed we had been brought here for this.

One wet afternoon when we were still all 'feeling the love', Terry suggested something quite unusual. He's not a shy man by any standards but he is reserved about many parts of himself. I am too. In fact in our way we all are. Despite the diaries, there is much that we keep to ourselves or for our partner only, even more than ever really considering we are willing to give so many details of our sex lives away. Terry's unexpected suggestion was for us to photograph each other. Heather and I were at that stage of pregnancy where we were still looking good. Bellies gently swollen but still with the bodies of slender girls. No swelling legs or varicose veins or any of the other horrors I had read about and feared. We wanted memories. We wanted our sexuality and fertility to be recorded for the future. So we shot a few rolls of black and white 35mm of each couple naked and intimate.

It takes a lot of trust to unveil your private selves for others and it said a lot on how Terry feels about Heather and Lachlan to be prepared to let them in. I think the same could be said in reverse. We stripped, a little self-consciously for the first time now, and sat around talking. Heather walked about with the camera, I lay back on the couch. Terry sat on the floor beneath me. Lachlan leaned on the wall and smoked slowly, letting the smoke out through the open balcony. I remember that shot. He was in profile, but clearly naked, his genitals visible but dark, the curl of the smoke lending an erotic moodiness to the whole.

The snap of me lying naked, one hand on Terry's neck and the other idly on my stomach looked like some erotic Victorian art pose and made us all laugh later, but Terry tucked it into his pocket and I know it is in his wallet even as I type. There was one of Heather, her hair veiling her face as she blushed when the camera was turned straight on her- it was such a typical shot of her that we all loved it. Heather got the best one of Terry. He was seated, hands on the arms of a chair, staring off somewhere behind the camera and his face was in a set expression- somehow she managed to capture that incongruous look of his- manly certainty and limpid fragility; the contrast of his face and eyes.

But it was the shots of the couples that were the purpose of the interlude; they are described elsewhere. Yes, we were naked. No, they weren't prurient. They weren't about sex. They were celebrating our differences and our coming together. They were about what makes a woman and a man cleave to each other. They wove strength, protection, trust, vulnerability, love and support together and showed how men and woman need each quality in equal measure from each other. The stripping away of our clothes was a symbol of the stripping of the masks we wear. And we were overjoyed and overwhelmed by the results as we saw in ourselves what we recognised in our partner. Precious, precious jewels; when two become three.

I left Terry in The States and flew  home alone. I was lonely when I got back. Maximus showed up unexpectedly. I all but broke my promise but the arrival of Lachlan saved me from my nature. But I felt then the warning prickle that something was not quite right. I wondered whether it ever would be again?

The diary is elsewhere. Later I plucked up the courage and told Terry what had happened. Just said "Listen to what I have to say and don't interrupt." I told him everything. He said nothing until I had finished.

"Well?"

"Fucking bastards. You OK? Did they upset you?"

"You're not mad?"

"Why should I be? What did you do wrong? Not your fault you live in your own house, is it?"

"I should have told you when I rang that night..."

He laughed softly. "You rang me for phone sex with Maxie baby a floor below? Now why do I just feel like I won the lottery? I know how it is and I appreciate what you gave up. No worries.

FEBRUARY 2004

"Terry...what are we going to do about visits?" I was sitting on the bed as he was undressing one night. He stopped still with his back turned, said nothing and then resumed taking off his shirt and pants, slowly, methodically. He was thinking.

"I'm going away to see Dee next week."

"Is that an answer, Terry?" I wasn't trying to catch him out. I simply wanted to know what he felt about the whole matter and I didn't want him to hide behind an evasive reply.

He exhaled and sat on the end of the bed. "I don't know. It's a hard one. To be truthful, I still feel the same about the other Sisters. What I mean is- I still feel sexual attraction as well as the obvious bonds of friendship we have. I just want it to be natural. See what happens..."

I scoffed. "You know what will happen! Come on! You'll have sex with her and you will both enjoy it. It will be beautiful- her first time and you will be so proud that she asked this of you. That's not really what I mean. I'm not bothered about that. That's your right. Her right, too. I meant about me actually. I'll be alone the next couple of weeks..."

"Jesus Christ! You're going ask one of the Brothers? Now?"  He jumped up from the bed and appeared aghast at my suggestion.

"I don't know, Terry. It looks odd. People are beginning to ask why I am not asking for anyone. Cort and some of the others...they mail me sometimes and want to know what gives...what do I do?"

"Tell them."

"Tell them what?"

"That you don't want to see them."

"What? That is so ridiculous. I do want to see them!"

"You wanna fuck other guys?" He spat that out at me with a surprising amount of vehemence. I held my hands up.

"Hey, steady on, Terry...that is not what I meant..."

"Then what the fuck did you mean?" The aggressive chin, the cool appraisal. I hated him when he put up this defence.

"I meant that I would still like to see them. They are the Brothers. Just as you wish to see the Sisters. It doesn't have to mean sex..."

He laughed cruelly at that and commenced pacing up and down. "Oh really? You gonna bring the general here and talk philosophy all night with him? Somehow I don't see that. He'll move on you the minute he gets his foot over my door. I am not having it. I am not having any man in my bed, under my roof, in your body, while you are carrying my child. You got that?"

I sat in silence for a while digesting his words. He walked out into the bathroom and slammed the door. It was a very long time since he had raised his voice to me in any way and I was taken aback. Everything had been so perfect between us for so long and this tirade just knocked me for six. In the past I think I would have blown and we would have had a screaming match at each other. But my emotions are different now. I just sat holding a pillow to me and cried. Sounds pathetic? It was pretty pathetic - but I couldn't help it.

As the bathroom door opened I turned away and rubbed at my eyes, I didn't want him to know I had been crying. He returned to the room, sheepish and quiet. Slipping into bed, I picked up a novel and pretended to read while he walked over, ripped the bedding apart and jumped in, switching off his bedside light and rolling away from me. His anger was palpable; he was seething and I hated the night to end like this. But I was afraid to speak in case I made things worse.

After what seemed like ages, I put down the book and spooned against his back. I knew he was awake, I knew he wanted to talk. His body was tense and wary, shrinking slightly from my touch even though he did not push me away. I ran one hand around his waist and ruffled up the hair on his lower belly gently. Slowly he began to relax. My lips made contact with the skin of his back and I began to place soft busses down his spine.

"I'm sorry if I sounded harsh. I just can't stand to think..." he began.

"I know. Nor can I. I do not intend to let any of them make love to me. As for whether I will make love to them...that's actually none of your business, Terry. You have to trust me that I will do nothing to endanger what we have. As I must trust you."

He turned and rolled me back, lying over me, his weight supported by his arms but still close enough for me to feel his naked body. "It isn't as easy as that. I'm a man. What can I say?" His hands swept down me, coming to rest first on my belly and then further, cupping my sex. It was a possessive gesture and for the first time, I shrank from it. I saw he recognized my hesitation and read the corresponding dart of anger in his eyes.

"You know the Game, Terry. You have to find a way that you can adjust."

"So who are you going to see? Tell me. Have you already sounded one of them out? What do you do all day? Sex by IM?"

I sighed. "You can be such a bastard at times, Terry. No I fucking well don't spend my day like that. Give me a break. I haven't even given it a thought. I merely said that it was an idea. That's all."

He threw himself back on the pillow and stared at the ceiling, his hand over his face. "Not in this bed. Please."

"We have the room downstairs. I always said that would be for visits. No one is coming up here, I promise. I wouldn't even dream of it in a million years. I might sleep with them but I won't let them ...penetrate me. I won't. I'm not sure I would want any overt sexual contact really."

"And how are you gonna explain that?"

"I can say no, Terry. Any woman can. And I intend to make sure they all know. Most do by now anyway." He looked at me; his face had no expression.

"I know - but how likely is that with Cort or...Max...?" he still finds it hard to acknowledge my relationship with Maximus. It always seems to come back to that.

"They will accept it if I say."

"They'll know you're pregnant. If you sleep with them they will see you naked. I don't want to think of another man holding you in his arms. Holding my baby..."

I rolled onto my side and stroked back his hair. "Then I see no one. If you feel so strongly then I will not insist." I began to wonder if this was the only way he would tolerate it. I did not want us to argue over this although I knew he was wrong and ultimately this was a dangerous promise to make to him.

"No. That's wrong. I know it's wrong even if I wish it could be right," he replied.

I thought for a moment. "If I promise not to share a bed with them? They sleep in the spare room and I stay up here- a visit but with no intimacy or nudity.  Would that ease your mind?

His answer came back quickly and I think it surprised him as much as me. "Lachlan. I would trust him with you anytime. You can sleep with him- he wouldn't... The others...I don't want them in your bed..."

I gave my assent.

But I made my arrangements nevertheless. I arranged for Bud to spend a few days over here. I played no diary games. We just had a good time as two friends, long walks, a few dinners out and a lot of talking. Bud was so quietly proud of me. He touched the child through the shelter of my naked flesh and shook his head. He has such a sense of wonder at the miracle of it all.

Valentine's weekend was a blast. Imagine the six of us together? Three of the most disparate Aussie boys you can get- Terry, Lachlan and Hando- bonding like they were actually three brothers, and their Sheilas all curled up next to them on that cold wintry weekend. It was an affirmation of friendship and a toast to our futures. I have never found the sugary sentiments of hearts and flowers quite so moving. Is it my hormonal state or does it really all make sense to me now?

After Hando and Tina left, the four had a few days together- Lachlan and Heather were out and about a lot- doing a bit of baby shopping and enjoying the different stores here (if not the UK prices!) Terry was working most of the time so we didn't see much of him apart from the nights, and then Heather and Terry decamped for Scotland. Suddenly it was just Lachlan and I. Actually he was out the day they left having been at the airfield testing some new addition to the navigational equipment. I had an odd feeling that he arranged this on purpose so as not to be present when they actually took to the road. They were flying British Caledonian from Heathrow. I suppose it would have been rather insensitive to have expected Lachlan to do the honours.

Lachlan arrived back late on that Thursday evening but I was still awake, as excited as I can remember being in a very long time- even though I had seen him only the day before. But this was different. Already I knew that.  He rang the doorbell but I had already heard his taxi and was in his arms before he had time to react. We staggered back and the blustery February night swept into the warm hallway. He rushed me inside and slammed the door, kicking his attaché case cross the threshold.

"Let's have a look at you then!" He held me at arms' length and I saw his eyes sweep down my body, the prominent bulge now clearly visible, enhanced by the soft grey jersey pants and the tight T-shirt I was wearing.

"You look a picture! There's definitely a baby in there now. I've been dying to ask you. Can I touch you?" I giggled at his polite embarrassment and dragged his hand to rest on my belly. The baby was writhing about and he felt the squirming beneath his palm and his face broke into a broad grin. "I bloody love that feeling!" He gasped wholeheartedly and then he picked me up and swung me round in a complete surge of joy. I suppose his own delight at imminent fatherhood was somehow enhanced by the sight of another woman full with a child. "Terry must be loving this, Betty!"

"He is." I smiled and looked down, suddenly shy and mindful of the words we had had about visits. I wondered where Terry was at that moment. I shrugged the passing thought away and concentrated on Lachlan. It was very late. He had eaten at the airport and was tired himself so we decided simply to have a cup of tea and retire. I led him up to the master bedroom on the first floor and he fiddled about with his luggage while we said good night. It was awkward.

"Lach...I'm not sure how this works." I eventually blurted out.

"How what works?" he asked.

"I mean...this is a visit but...."

"Bloody hell, Uma...I don't expect...I wouldn't...not in your condition...you know that..."

I blushed. "But...Lach...don't you think we should sleep together? I mean, you're a Brother after all. And we have slept together before..."

He grimaced at that and looked decidedly uncomfortable. "You think we should? Reckon Terry wouldn't like it..."

I growled in frustration. "He wouldn't mind if it was you, and anyway he isn't bloody here, Lach. It isn't up to him to like it or not. Where do you think he is now? Lying in a single bed next door to Heather's? Somehow I doubt it..."

I shouldn't have said it. Lachlan shot me a look that could have melted rock. "I think you better go upstairs, Uma. I'm pretty tired and you need your rest."

I left in acute embarrassment and ran up the stairs to our room as fast as I could waddle. Sitting on the large divan, I looked about the enormous room and shivered a little. I didn't like it at all without him. I knew I wouldn't sleep.

The moment you think like that, it is fatal. I didn't sleep. I simply tossed and turned for ages until I decided to get up and go downstairs. I had it in my mind to go online and have a chat with someone or make a cup of hot chocolate or something. I didn't get very far.

Sitting on the bottom step was Lachlan, just gazing out into the blackness. He was dressed. I knelt down by him and put my arms around his neck; he turned and buried his head against me, softly caressing my baby. "I can't sleep. Sleep with me, Uma. I want to hold you."

It was how we both felt. The draw is too strong. It is impossible to settle when a Brother is near you, especially one as close to me as Lachlan, and he felt the same about my proximity. Jumping up, he helped me to my feet and we made our way back to his room. I sat back on the bed, clad in my baggy house clothes, about as unsexy as you can get, and watched him as he stripped. He looked so good. So young and virile. He made me feel like a woman again to watch this intimate moment as he took off his clothes and walked into the bathroom. He showered and shaved; I talked and watched him. He held out his arms as if to cuddle me, and something changed in my mood. I felt a rush of languid sexuality flood through me- the loose, nervous fluttering of erotic sensation in my groin and the tingling in my nipples. He was turning me on without even trying.

He carried me to bed. I stood up and began to undress, casting aside the jacket and revealing my swollen naked breasts and the swell of my pregnant belly. He stared at me, his eyes narrowing and his nostrils flaring slightly; those signs of arousal that a man cannot hide. His tongue licked his lips. I slipped out of the baggy pants and stood naked before him. No other man except Terry and my gynaecologist has seen me like this. It was a difficult moment, when I wondered if he would be repulsed by the sight of me.

I needn't have worried. He threw back the sheets and reached for me, his cock swollen and erect already even before he touched me, running his hands down my naked flesh and murmuring softly. For a long time, he looked at me and then he raised his face to mine and pulled me towards him for one soft kiss. His lips grazed mine and then the fire was lit. I felt his sharp intake of breath and the sudden surge of passion as he thrust his tongue between my lips and began to make love to me sexually.

You feel very sexy when you are pregnant but there are a lot of obstacles to overcome, both physical and emotional. Sex with Terry is great but he is very careful with me and I feel his restraint many times when I would like to have a little more wildness- but I know it is hard for him; he worries that he will hurt me or the baby. He treats me like the mother of his child - which is right and proper- when I still want sometimes to be his mistress. He won't let me go down on him unless we are lying on the bed and then he is a little cautious - which always inhibits us both. Mostly he simply pulls me onto his lap and we make love gently like that or I ride him as he supports me so that he can watch us both.

I am not implying that Lachlan wasn't gentle- he was- but he was driven by lust and a passion for my swollen body and his excitement made me feel totally abandoned. I wondered whether he had felt as unsure with Heather as Terry had with me and together we were acting out his fantasies- as I am sure that Terry and Heather would be doing much the same. That thought suddenly heightened my desire.

Lachlan pulled up a mound of pillows and rested me back in a sitting position, my knees bent and apart. I smiled at the way my belly obscured my view of my sex and he realized what I was thinking, chuckling to himself. His hands swept along my thighs and then he lay nestled beneath my belly and kissed me, trailing his tongue to lick up the thick cream that was flowing steadily from me. I felt as though I would burst out of my skin.

Recently I have been poked and prodded by numerous doctors, nurses, medical students and my cunt has been on display to all and sundry. I had wondered if I would ever feel sexually about my vagina again. I now knew the answer. I did. Maybe even more so than before, as I felt the waves of orgasm cause a slight contraction to my womb and the shudder of my child as it responded to the sensation. It is a little scary to have an orgasm when you are pregnant and it had scared me to death a few times already. But I knew it was safe and lay back to bask in the sensation, unable to do much more than enjoy it.

After I had come, Lachlan left me to settle peacefully, stroking me lightly and kissing my lips and the skin of my upper thighs. I ran my hands through his hair, feeling a complex mélange of sensuality and maternity in the moment, a unique experience that I suppose I couldn't feel with Terry. He was the father of my child not a lover who had successfully wooed me. It is a different sensation all together.

"How do we do this?" Lachlan had suddenly asked and I realised that he was ready to move on- but was I? Did I want him to penetrate me? He obviously wanted it and probably did not understand my reticence.

"Em...come up here...straddle me...let me love you..." I offered.

"Come in your mouth? I can't do that. Not to a pregnant woman..." he gasped. It is strange at the line that a man will draw in the sand- to me oral sex seemed so much less invasive than what he wished to do. For a moment we hesitated and then I made my mind up. If I was going to do this then I wanted it to be on my terms. We made love that way in our own way. I don't expect it to make sense to everyone but there it is. It made sense to us. It freed us from our sense of what was right or acceptable in the circumstances. It's funny, after that we seemed to lose our inhibitions. From then on we were quite unrestrained. Something was loosened in us both by our trust in each other.

On our final night I made a decision. Somehow I was more at ease with my new body now and less embarrassed or inhibited before Lachlan.  I would be a temptress again - as far as it was possible to be in my condition.

I think I shocked him at first. He was kneeling on the bed before me and I turned over and knelt before him on all fours. It is a very comfortable position for me- I might even choose to deliver in it- and it also presents the man with an image of my sexuality, obscuring my maternity from him. Displayed lewdly before him, I wondered what he would do. I needn't have worried. The next moment his hands slid over my buttocks and between my legs and he began to rub himself against me, his hands cradling my belly as he gently eased himself in.

I heard his gasp as he hilted and I tightened around him, rewarded with another deeper groan. He swore- unusual for Lachlan- but I know that meant he was really aroused and as I steadied myself he began to rock backwards and forth, in and out. My head fell forward and the desire to push back against him, drive him harder against my sweet spot, overwhelmed me until we both began to move faster and faster. His hands were now on my hips. With a groan he splattered into me and held me, suddenly tender, as I juddered and whimpered my own pleasure. I felt a powerful contraction and the clutch of fear but it passed and I settled as he pulled out and onto his side while he turned me onto my back and covered me over.

We didn't speak at first; I think we were both shocked by what we had done. When the passion had subsided, he stroked my face and asked me if I was all right. I nodded. "More than all right. Man, I feel like a woman!" I stretched and giggled, running my hand over my belly sensuously. His hand joined mine and we both sensed the unborn child make its presence felt.

"Do you know what it is?" he asked me. I shook my head. "Camera shy. Always turns its back when I'm scanned. "Yours?"

"Don't want to know. Makes no difference to me." he replied.

"Us neither. I reckon this is a boy, though. According to all the signs...old wives' tales and so on," I added.

"Really? Heather reckons ours is a girl. Can you imagine that? Making a little girl?" His voice was full of wonder and it made me smile. Here we were naked and lusty, dripping in seminal fluid and spent passion, talking about babies. But it felt just right. Funny, really.

I was flipping through a magazine idly in the waiting room when I was aware of the door opening and someone sweeping in. There was a slight buzz in the room as though all the women seated around had suddenly perked up out of their pregnant lethargy. I glanced up. Terry was striding over to me, smiling, his eyebrows raised, evidently pleased with himself.

"Terry! When did you get back? Heather and Lachlan get off OK? How did you know I was here?" He sat down by me and gave me a kiss; you could almost hear the combined sigh from the audience. I had known he was back today but I expected him later than this and it had never occurred to me that he would remember my appointment. But it was a wonderful feeling to know that he had.

"I knew it was on this street- wasn't exactly hard to find...hey, you look enormous...this son of mine must be a big fella..." he ran his hands over my bulge and I trembled at the thought of his strength and my fragile flesh.

"I am just at that point when you show more and more. I seem to be bigger everyday. And it might not be a boy, Terry. Stop saying that. It's tempting Providence."

"Crap. It's either a boy or a girl. Either way works for me. Could be twins, you are so enormous. You look like Jabba the Hut."

I groaned. "Terry! That's an awful thing to say to me! My confidence is already rock bottom. Do you think I like looking like this?"

Terry pulled back surprised. "What's the problem?"

"I'm fat and ugly. That's the problem."

"You're pregnant and beautiful. You should be delighted. I am. I think you look fantastic. Makes me horny just to look at you...I've been perving pregnant women recently ...reckon I'm a bit of a dirty old man?" He grinned that boyish smile and I ruffled up his hair. I thought about Lachlan and how he had been insatiable for my body once the initial awkwardness had passed off. I expected that this was how Terry had been with Heather and she was further on than me; Lachlan said she was already much bigger.

The practice nurse called my name and we stood up and followed her into the office. Doctor Chaudry smiled and shook Terry's hand while I submitted myself to the usual humiliating performance behind the screen, having a nurse help me undress from the waist downwards and lie covered in a paper sheet on the sterile bench. My knees were bent and splayed by the nurse who arranged me like a bunch of flowers so that doctor would have me in his favourite position. In his fucking dreams, mate.

Dr Chaudry breezed through, Terry in his wake, and he kept up a continuous stream of information, talking to Terry about me as if I wasn't even there. I hate it when they do that. Terry had the courtesy to wince slightly when I was given an internal, especially when I gasped at the coldness of the speculum he was prodding me with. I caught his eye and he pulled a face; I shrugged. This was only the start of the fun and games. The next stage was infinitely more pleasurable though - the ultra sound. Terry sat by me and held my hand as our baby appeared on the screen, real at last, big enough now to be a recognizable human, filling the screen, still coyly back turned to the camera.

I heard his intake of breath as he saw the living breathing miracle that was our child. He had seen still shots before but never witnessed the actual live show. Just the strong beating of the tiny heart was obviously blowing him away, apart from anything else, and I felt his hand tighten in mine and saw the moist shine in his eyes. Everything was fine. Normal in every way. No need to worry. Just one little matter.

We both dragged our eyes from the screen as the nurse wiped off the KY jelly and covered me over.

"There is some evidence of recent sexual activity which seems to have been a little... over enthusiastic, shall we say? I would not recommend that your intimate relationship was too energetic from now on. Relations are not contraindicated but should be curtailed. Perhaps you might restrain yourself a little, Mr. Thorne. Once or twice a week will probably be enough. Too many orgasms may provoke a premature labour..."

Terry's face froze but he said nothing, merely nodding, lips pursed, and avoiding any eye contact with me. I swallowed hard and wished that the ground would suck me in. I had been unsure whether I ought to tell Terry about Lachlan and me but now the truth was out. And it sounded like we had been swinging from the light fittings. Excusing myself to dress, I heard the two men exchanging polite conversation but I wasn't fooled. I could sense the seething anger beneath Terry's apparent game face and I was grateful for the fact that we had arrived in separate cars so I could have some thinking time before we arrived home and I had to face the music. Because face it I would. He had already shown his temper at the very idea of me thinking of another Brother. This little revelation would drive him apoplectic, not to mention the implication that I might have endangered the pregnancy.

With my prescription for vitamins, iron and folic acid in my hand, we turned out onto the street and I went over to my car; Terry crossed the road to his. In all the time, he hadn't spoken a word to me nor I to him. I drove home, gripping the wheel as though it was a life raft as countless conversations ran through my head, trying to find something- anything- that I could say to defend myself.

Terry was already in the lounge when I reached home, his carryon and overcoat lying in the hall; he had gone straight through to the bar. He hit the Scotch.

"So you let him fuck you, did you? Great...as if I didn't know. You couldn't keep your hot little hands off him, could you? Jesus...did you hear what the doctor said? That wasn't just a quick shag, was it? You were into marathon sessions. What's the matter with you? You are over five months pregnant. Wait till I get my fucking hands on him..."

I sat down on the armchair and folded my hands on my lap. There is no talking to him when he is in full rant so I let him rage and bluster and make threats and warn me until he ran out of steam and turned back to the bottle, lighting yet another cigarette. "Please Terry, don't smoke around me...it makes me feel queasy..."

"Whereas being fucked like a whore doesn't?" I gasped at that and looked down, biting my lip, willing myself to keep calm and not start firing my own barbs. But it was hard not to. He was trying to hurt. He was succeeding.

"Terry...it is not as bad as you think. Lachlan and I slept together and we had sex. Just like you and Darcy last November. Just like you and Dee last month. Just like you and Heather... "

"Darcy and Dee are not pregnant."

"Heather is." I faced him up at that point, glaring into his eyes.

"That's different," he replied.

"Different? Different? What the hell do you mean- different? Why is it OK for you to sleep with a pregnant woman but not for me to sleep with another man...?"

"You have to ask?"

"Well, actually, yes I do."

"Because you're my woman. You're carrying my child..."

"Our child. And I'm not sure I like this 'My woman' bit, either. How do you think Lachlan feels at the thought you slept with Heather? Do you think that he feels the same?"

"Don't give a fuck. Not my problem." He dragged aggressively on his cigarette and somehow reminded me of Hando.

I stood up and stormed over to him. "How can you say that? He's your friend. How can you been so fucking selfish? It's just you, you, you, isn't it? Well, I'm glad I slept with him and I wish he were still here. He makes me feel like a woman not a prize piece of breeding flesh. You make me sick." I left the room and ran upstairs, choosing to lie not on our bed but in the room I had shared with Lachlan. I knew Terry would see the significance straight away.

I wondered if he would come after me and try to make amends; I expected him to. He knew he had hurt me and was acting unreasonably. Terry usually thinks things through very quickly and then is big enough to apologise and make the first move. But after a while I heard the front door slam and the car engine. He had drunk several shots of Scotch while I was there and possibly more since. I prayed that he wouldn't be reckless or get stopped by the police.

Just then the phone rang. I dragged myself to the hallway and picked up the extension. It was Heather and she sounded upset.

"Uma? Can you spare a minute? I need to talk to someone and I just don't know who else to turn to. Lachlan and I have had this terrible fight and he's gone out...I don't know where he is. He's talking of resigning - after he's killed Terry, that is. I just couldn't calm him down. I don't want to load this on you but who else understands?" She broke down into sobbing; I swallowed hard, unsure if I could cope with this on the top of everything else that had happened today.

"Why is he angry, Heather?" I had to be sure.

There was a pause. "You'll be angry too, I should think. It's just that... Lachlan...he found out that Terry and I had ...you know...had sexual relations while we were in Scotland. We didn't set out to... it just happened...I can't help it...he has this effect on me...I'm sorry, Uma...God, I wish I hadn't called...."

It was unfair of me to let her ramble on in this way. Obviously Lachlan had implied that no such thing had happened between us; I was shocked that he had lied about that. But that's men, isn't it? They handle the double standard with consummate ease. A sharp stab of anger went through me. How dare Lachlan act as if I was fair game and his woman wasn't? What did he think I was? Obviously he had less respect for me than he did for his own woman. Then I thought of Terry and all the thoughts became muddled in my head. What is right and what is wrong? Real and unreal? Truth or lies?

"Heather...don't feel bad about what happened with Terry. I expected something like that. I would have been surprised if it hadn't happened. As for Lachlan, has he got his phone with him? I'll try and call him and see if I can talk some sense into him." She thought he had, thanked me and hung up. I dialed his number and he answered. I could tell that he was drinking.

"Lachlan, where are you?"

"Well, if it isn't Betty Bump, my best girl? How are you, Betty?" He snorted to himself at his use of my new nickname.

"Lachlan...I didn't ring for a chat. It's early and you're already pissed. Get back and apologise to Heather this minute. You better tell her the truth."

"Truth? Wassatruth?" he muttered.

"The truth - that you have been shagging me all week so have no right to turn on her for what she did. If you don't sort this out, I swear I'll tell her. I am up to here with chauvinistic men and their proprietary attitude towards women. I will not stand here and listen to tripe about one law for you and one law for us. If it is not right for your girlfriend to sleep with someone else than why did you sleep with me? Or is it OK for you to stick it wherever you feel because no other woman matters to you but her? Well, you can imagine how that makes me feel, you sleazy bastard!" And I slammed down the phone.

I know I vented my spleen on Lachlan and he probably didn't deserve most of what I had said but I felt very much better after having spat it all out. But I still sat on the stairs and cried my eyes out at men, life, babies, sex, the whole fucking shooting match. The phone rang again and I snatched it up. "Who is it?"

"Em...it's me...Lachlan. Look, I just drank a pot of coffee and I'm a bit clearer headed now. What was all that about, Uma? Why were you shouting at me?"

"Lach! You've upset Heather. That wasn't a very nice thing to do. Go and sort it out. Tell her the truth."

"I can't. She won't understand. How I can I tell her I had sex with you? She'll think I'm just a randy bastard. She won't understand how it is with me and you. Uma, it's different with us..."

"No. Lachlan...it is exactly the same. Lachlan...I love you so much.  I don't say that to many people, so you must know what it costs me to say it. I reckon that Heather feels like that about Terry. I know he cares so much about her. Do you care about me? Do you feel anything at all?"

"Of course I do...you know I do...Haven't I shown you that enough times?"

"Then you must understand that others feel just as you do. Terry would not have done anything to hurt Heather. He cares about her, he's fascinated with the baby- he feels a real bond at the moment with both of you. Try to understand. Please. Go to her and explain - I'm sure she'll understand. Don't leave her like this; she's breaking her heart. Christ, Lachlan, the girl worships the ground you walk on. Whatever she feels for Terry it isn't a drop in the ocean compared to how she feels about you...please..."

I know I was pleading with Lachlan but in my head I was pleading with Terry, hoping that with his rational mind and his sense of fairness he would see that what I was saying applied to us, too. But I also knew that a man is different from a woman- he sees another reality in his focus on his world. No matter how civilized PW is about these matters, the men would always feel the need to protect and possess that which they loved most of all and the women would constantly be railing against the restrictive nature of their control. Lachlan's voice reminded me he was still there and shook me from my musings.

"Uma? I'll try. Is everything OK with you? Is he back?"

"Yes. He's back. We'll talk again. Bye, Lach." I placed the phone down and put my head in my hands. I hadn't heard him open the door and so his touch made me jump. I screamed and he grabbed me, shushing me and calming me down. I turned around in his arms and looked up at him. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you, Terry. You know I would never willingly hurt you...it's so hard sometimes..."

"I know...I know..." He rocked me gently and let me cry. "I should be apologizing. You are right. What I said was out of line. I spoke to Heather. She tore a strip off me for speaking to you like that. She told me about Lachlan. We're a pair of clowns, aren't we? Two women like you and you end up with us. Couldn't you have done any better?"

I smiled and shook my head. "Not a chance. As bad as you two are, you do represent the finest of the species. God help us!" His arms held me tight as he chuckled at my words. Men. They are bad when they are bad but they are so good when they are good. They are pretty all right when they are bad too. So I guess I can live with that.