Part 1A

 

TERRY

I shouldn't have gone. Don't know why I did. I've been pushing for more active work for months now and have accepted more in the field recently than I have done for years. I rationalised that Uma still had three months to go and she was fine- when the baby came I would stay close to home, so this was a chance to stretch my wings a bit before domesticity applied another and more lasting tweak to my chain. I will feel the guilt of that for a very long time.

That final morning was the first time I hadn't really wanted to leave. Normally I have no problems; a part of me is eager for the open road and freedom, even though I love her so much. It is my nature and she understands; if I am tied down too securely it will do neither of us any good. But, not that morning - I really didn't want to go this time. I don't believe in premonition or fate or any of that spiritual crap but I have a healthy regard for my own intuition. I should have listened to it then, shouldn't I?

Uma had looked rather forlorn as she had prepared breakfast, trying, as she always does, to let me go without remorse. "It's fine, Terry. I could do with a break from you. Don't be such a wuss, Tez." But I always know these days when she is faking.

I went to Africa, Congo-Brazzaville, a real shit-hole. Lachlan flew me in and we hired a small twin-engine to go into the interior where the only landing strips, dirt fields with a couple of markers, wouldn't have managed the jet. We were stuck in a small town up north where there were no land lines and cells didn't receive a signal- in other words, totally incommunicado. Nights were spent drinking imported beer in the only joint in town (it doubled as a brothel) but we were well-behaved and, although we bought the girls a few drinks and they sat around us (or on us), we didn't buy anything else. This place was a walking disease.

After about ten days of fairly fruitless meetings with the terrorist group who were holding the engineer I was seeking to free, we had access to Immarsat through the town lawyer and it was there, in his office, that I first got the news. It was a stinking hot afternoon, no air con and the atmosphere rank with humidity and sweat. I remember it as vividly as if I have just left the room; the smell of perspiring bodies, the creaking whirr of the ancient overhead fan, the damp patches on the back and armpits of my shirt. My groin felt moist and I longed to strip naked and dive in a cold pool- but naturally no such comfort was available to me there. I rang home- no answer. That seemed strange, considering the time of day - but perhaps she was out with her mother. Then I rang her cell- no service. Typical of her to forget to switch it on - or maybe she had gone to a movie? I made a third call to Dino to check in.

That's when the shit hit the fan.

 

Dino: Man, where the fuck you been?

Terry: Up river, why?

Dino: Sit down. Curry with you?

Terry: Yeah, he's waiting to call Heather. Don't tell me... she's with you?

Dino: Can it, Terry...Christ, what can I say...there's no easy way...

Terry: Mate, you are scaring me...don't fuck about...what is it?

Dino: Terry, it's Uma..

Terry: Fuck. The baby? Christ....

Dino: No, not that...Terry...I think she's gone...

Terry: Gone?

Dino: Back through her portal. Expelled. No one can get hold of her...

 

I didn't speak. I could hear the crackle of dead air between us, silence hanging for a long time, the crick, crick, crick of the open line- and then I heard him trying to get my attention.

 

Dino: Terry? Terry? You still there? Terry, answer me...

Terry: I don't understand. Why?

Dino: You broke the rules...

 

I listened until I had heard enough,threw down the phone and stormed out. 

Curry was on my tail and caught up with me in the street. "What is it?"

"Leave me the fuck alone." I shrugged off the hand he had placed on my arm. He stepped back, scratched his head and said nothing but didn't move. "Something wrong with your hearing?" I bit back at him for no other reason than he was like a limpet and I wanted the whole fucking world to disappear.

He blew out slowly. "Something's up. Is it Uma? Is it the baby? Christ, is it Heather...? He seemed only to realise it as he spoke and I saw the colour drain from his face. As far as I was inside myself, I couldn't do that to him.

"Not Heather. Uma. She's fucking gone, Lachlan. Some fucking bastard has thrown her back." I paced up and down, my hands on my hips, trying to choke down the rage that threatened to drown me - if I gave into that, I would not be responsible for the results.

"WHAT? Gone? Where?" His colour hadn't returned; it struck me then just how much Uma probably meant to him. I've never really given him the benefit of the doubt on that one. He means a lot to her too. I filled him in on what I knew. He said nothing except, "Jesus Christ!"

I looked at the ground and took a few breaths. "Let's get out of here. Call Heather. See what she knows. Tell her we're on our way back."

The next twenty-four hours were amongst the most tension-ridden of my life. We took the Cessna back to the airport where the plane was ready for us (we had radioed ahead) and Phil had us in the air in minutes. They pushed that jet- apart from refuelling we flew constantly, probably recklessly, and both the pilots were drained and grey when we finally made Seattle. I wasn't in any better shape. I hadn't closed my eyes the whole journey, nor had I spoken to anyone, apart from the minimum cursory comments. As the hours passed, I was sinking back into an old familiar way of dealing with problems. First silence, then the mask, and finally the retreat into my own head. I vaguely knew I was entering a danger zone, but I didn't give a fuck. I almost wanted to be there.

 

 

What was in my mind those long, lonely hours as we flew across the world? She was. The whole story from beginning to end, unfolding in my mind. Torturing myself with it. Soaking up the pain. Stoking up my anger and bitterness. Unleashing my violent inner nature. I would get her back. Someone would pay.

Then there were the moments of abject despair. How do I get her back? Where is her portal? Could we disobey the will of the power that controls it? Have I the option of staying in her portal- am I not dead there? My tenuous grasp on the principles of it all were being tested to the full. What if I simply cannot do it? I contemplated life without them both and knew that it wasn't feasible. I didn't have a clear game plan but I would not stay in this life. I might not stay in any life. That's how dark I was that night.

A part of me turned to aggression. I wanted an enemy I could face. What was this fucking entity that controlled me? No one controls me, I don't fucking believe all that shit. Someone, somewhere knows the answers. I'll drag them out of them or I will blow that fucking temple to Kingdom Come. I don't give a damn. I'll take them all with me. I'm sorry if that shocks you all- but exactly how would you feel in the same circumstances? Forgive me if I go too far; does it bother you to know who I really am?

So we arrived and drove in silence to their home. Heather was at the door before the car engine was switched off. She looked pale and drawn, thin even though her pregnancy was well advanced and her stomach heavy; it seemed only to emphasise the fragility of the rest of her. She ran for him and they embraced without words. I felt a stab of envy, a shaft of anger at the sight. My bereftness was all the more apparent when they were together. It hurt more than any pain I have ever known. Physically hurt, emotionally hurt. My brain felt sluggish and heavy, I could not think clearly for the pounding of blood.

I heard her whisper, "How is he?" and the mumbled reply. "Not good." They were pitying me. I didn't want their pity.  I turned away and entered the house throwing doors open and walking about, unable even to sit down. I thought of leaving. What the fuck was I doing here anyway?

Dino was standing in the lounge room by the window saying little. I started when I saw him. "What you doing here?" I scowled.

"Hey, pal, I could answer that a few ways- but I don't think I'll bother. Great to see you, too."

I acknowledged his acceptance of my rudeness. He didn't offer me trite comments or try to win me round. He understood. But he was there and I knew what he was offering. 'When you're ready, mate...' I walked out of the room and into the kitchen, taking a drink of water and then pacing around with it in my hand.

"Terry, sit down!" Heather entered the room and addressed me calmly- but with determination in her voice. I paced some more.

"SIT DOWN!" Her tone surprised me and I complied, taking a seat and slumping back in it, watching her, aware that my gaze was malevolent, not caring.

"Talk to me, Terry. You have to talk about this. Don't sit on it..." I turned my head and looked at the wall. I didn't have anything to say. She continued to speak to me, kneeling down by me, her hands on my thighs, trying to reason with me but I didn't hear what she said. I zoned it out. I was sinking into self-destruct and I wanted no passengers with me. 

 

 

Time passed and her voice became a distant drone, like traffic on the street outside, heard but not remarked upon. Then something she said cut through and I heard it clearly. "So, this is it, is it? You're just going to run and hide from it, are you? Just like you always do? Close down and pretend it didn't happen? I thought you had more courage than that..."

"Shut up!" I answered.

"I will not shut up. I will tell you what you need to hear. Your woman and your child have gone and you are the only one who can do anything about that. You can do things for others, risk your life for people you have never met, but when it's your own, you simply walk away. What does that say about you? Are you going to accept that, like you gamely accepted that you had lost your son? What is the matter with you? Don't you have any feelings at all?"

Her words cut me deep, more so because I realised that they were probably true. What kind of man was I that I had walked away from my son so many times and finally forever?

"Shut the fuck up...I'm warning you..."

"I'm not scared of you, Terry.  The only one scared of you, is you. You haven't the guts for real life, have you?"

I blew. I stood up and grabbed her by the arm, hauling her to her feet. "You want me to shut your fucking mouth for you?" Curry pounced. I felt his hand on my shoulder shifting me round to face him. I elbowed him off, catching him hard in his gut but the sudden burst of action seemed to switch on a light in my head. I saw in sharp focus what I was doing. Heather was white, her hand protectively resting on her baby, fear for Lachlan in her eyes. I was the mad dog who was scaring her. Heather. My sweet Heather. What had brought me to this place?

The fight went out of me. Nausea gripped me and my head swam with pain and panic. My legs seemed to buckle and I fell to my knees; I held my head in my hands and sobbed out, "My God...My God...what am I doing?"

Thinking back now, I realise that Heather's intervention had saved me; her words had been spoken purposely to shock me back to action. But she had taken a risk that had almost backfired on her. Even now, I shudder at what so nearly happened and the damage I was really capable of. Some vague strand of good sense lingered enough to save me from myself. Or was it love? Did I simply love those two people too much when it came down to it ever to hurt them? I don't know, but I would like to think it was the latter, even if I am only fooling myself.

I guess I lost it then. Heather held me to her; I rested my head on her swollen belly, the kicking of their child against my cheek, and I wept. The floodgates were open and tears that must have been repressed for years came pouring forth, accompanied by a racking sobbing that I could not hold back. Her hand smoothed my hair, her voice whispered soft endearments, I felt Lachlan's hand upon my shoulder but not in anger or defence any more. It was the hand of comradeship and it felt good to be under the care of these two people. I was aware that somewhere in the background Dino was hovering, giving me space but watching, always watching.

I didn't say much that was coherent. I think I called her name, I think I asked for help. I didn't know what to do and I was afraid. More afraid than I had ever been in my life, despite all the times I have risked myself. You see, death isn't very scary when you come down to it. It's life that frightens the fuck out of me.

I cried like a girl. No, that's not fair. I cried like a boy. When boys cry it's always worse, for they don't know how to do it. Finally, I was empty and drained. The room was deathly quiet and I felt their apprehension. As my brain cleared, a sudden realisation swept over me. How did they feel? Was this about to happen to them? All those miles Curry had flown, had he been feeling just the same, unsure whether he would find Heather safe when he reached home? I was ashamed of myself. They had extended comfort to me and I hadn't given their predicament a second thought. It was the kick-start I needed. It always is. I might be fucked when it comes to my life but give me another problem and I am away.

Sitting back on my haunches I rubbed my face, wiped the tears and sniffed. I think I even laughed and shook my head. "Right...that's me sorted. Now for you two. You are the priority. I may or may not be able to save Uma but I sure as shit am not letting this happen to you. We have to get you out of here to somewhere safe before this happens again. Any ideas?"

They looked at me in stunned silence and then at each other. Lachlan spoke first. "I'm not going anywhere! We find Uma. I won't let you do that alone..."

"Bollocks. You want to rush headlong into that and let Heather be taken? What fucking good will that do for Uma? Or any of us? Use your fucking brain. Heather and you vanish- I'll find you when and if it's safe. Don't give me any more fucking problems playing nursemaid to you..."

"Fuck you! I can take care of my own family. I was trying to help you. 'Course you're so fucking up your own arse that you think you can...."

"Shut up the pair of you!" Heather shouted. "You are both going to blow this. We need to think rationally, not let your combined testosterone fuck it all up. The way I see it is we have very few options. If the deity wants to harm us- she can. Her power is far ranging. She can touch us wherever we go - here or in any portal. The only thing we can do is ask for mercy. I think we should go to the Temple..."

"Yeah...let's go and fucking tell her what we think of her cruel little games..." Lachlan interrupted.

"Very wise, Lach. Annoy her some more. Like the time you stepped over into the forbidden sanctuary just because you'd been told not to. You didn't get laid for a year..."

I heard that and grimaced. "What the fuck is that all about?" I asked. Lachlan frowned. "I'll tell you some day." He raised his eyes to heaven and we both laughed, a crazy moment in the middle of the horror.

Heather took over. We sat down. "I think we should go to the Temple in abject apology and beg for forgiveness. Perhaps we should have done that right from the start. It may not work but it's the only chance we have. Don't you see that?"

I shook my head. "If I go there, I'll fucking bring it down round my ears.  I can't rationalise it like you, love. I won't pay lip service to that shit..."

Lachlan spoke quietly. "Shit or not, Terry...it's what brought us all here. That's some fucking power. Cured several of us from the brink of death. I'm not gonna mess with it and if you do, you're a fool. I think Blue has a point. There's nothing else we can do."

I set my jaw, unwilling to accept his words. "I'm going to get her back my way. You do what you see fit."

Heather reached out her hands and took mine in her own. "Terry, be careful. Come with us. At least talk to Iz. She may know something. Please, I beg you, accept the help of those who love you both."

I agreed that far. "What do you think?" I turned and addressed Dino, who was leaning on the door lintel, apart and pensive; he had his own demons here to deal with.

"Do I have a right to comment?" He asked quietly. I looked at the other two. They both nodded their assent.

"Then I think you should listen to Heather- although I'm not buying into this Dea shit either. But if she has even one tenth of the power that you claim, it looks like she's on to us all. Terry, do you want to lose, Uma? You better think from your head not your gut here. Take it slow. Sleep on it. Don't let your anger make you blow this..."

I said nothing but I took his point. We were all exhausted and knew that we must sleep and try to refresh our weary spirits before we took this further. I went to bed, sure that I would not find any rest, but in fact I did. Heather slipped in beside me and held me in her arms until I must have gone off into an exhausted slumber. I guess then she returned to Curry and they both did the same.

The next day we flew down to Northern California and the Temple; Dino said his goodbyes, assured us that he would be ready to move if he was needed and left us alone. There wasn't much more that he could do at this juncture, he knew that. I dropped Heather and Lachlan off and made my way to the Mother Tree. On parting we had few words that could convey what we really felt. I kissed Heather and sent a silent prayer for her to be safe. I hugged Lachlan and told him to take care of her, as if there was any chance that he wouldn't. Curry said. "Find my Betty," and his voice choked. Heather wiped a tear from her cheek. I wondered if we would ever meet again.

I watched them enter the gates and then I laid my head back on the headrest. Pulling out my phone, I called Darcy. Somehow I got the urge to hear her voice. She answered, heard me and started to cry. I could get no sense from her. Bud took the line but he didn't know what to say either. Neither did I.  I dialled Ann's number, let it ring a few times and then hung up. What could I say to her? That I had kept a secret from her for months when she should have been the first to know? Why had I done that? It had started as a way of protecting her from any sense of the rejection that I know she would have felt, already did feel for reasons of her own, but it had become something else. We were estranged in a way that pained me; I had never really understood how we had let it happen, but happen it had and we were not now in a place where confidences could be shared. I needed her today but shunned the urge to burden her with what I felt; it was as if I had no right to turn to her now when I had withdrawn from her before. I couldn't face her final rejection of me, not now, not ever.

I started up the engine and drove down the road to Isobel and Cort.

Cort answered the door almost as soon as I hit the bell; I wondered if someone at the Temple had warned him I was on my way? He looked downcast but I could see wariness in his eyes; he didn't altogether trust me. Good. I didn't altogether trust myself. Pushing past him, I stormed into the house and shouted, "Iz, where are you? I want to talk with you, Iz..."

She ran into the hallway and into my arms. For a moment the feel of a woman, Iz's sweetness and the things we had shared in our past, flooded through me and I felt the touch of peace on my cold heart, but the moment passed. My anger was greater than any gentle spirit I encountered. But for that time when we were close, I felt the sob rising, the tears not far away. For one terrible instance I thought that all the sorrow and disappointment of my life was gathering in me and would shatter my heart to pieces. Isobel's tiny frame seemed the only thing that was holding me together.

I pulled away and the expression on my face must have cut her to the quick. She did not know what to do or how to help me; that much was clear immediately.

"Tell me how to find her." My voice was gravelly and hoarse to my ears, husky and thick with emotion.

She had no idea.

"What?" I didn't believe her. "What the fuck? You brought her here- you can bring her back!"

Isobel ran her hands back through her long thick hair. "It isn't really like that. A Sister brings herself- it's just that she doesn't realise it. Terry, I don't know where her portal is. We cannot cross back through another's portal without their presence anyway. I simply have no power to intervene. If I did...you know I would have done it! I'm so sorry..." She began to cry. I ignored her tears- for once they merely increased my anger.

"Sorry? You're fucking sorry? That it? Sorry, mate, that's your fucking life down the toilet but, don't worry! You might have lost the love of your life, your child, your whole fucking future but, hey, there are heaps of women with the hots for you. We'll find you another Number One. No problemo...Fuck you. Fuck the fucking lot of you bastards." I was in a frenzy, shouting and pacing about. Cort stepped forward. He spoke calmly but he was warning me- of that there was no doubt.

"That's enough, Terry. Don't take it out on Isobel. She's not the one responsible for this. We all know how you feel..."

"Oh yeah? They taught you that fucking shit in your counselling classes, padre? Fuck off, Cort. Fuck off all of you. I don't fucking need any of you. I need her. I'm not standing around taking this goddess crap...." I spoke words I didn't feel. Said things I am ashamed of. Please, Isobel, Cort, know that I never meant the cruel things I said. The fact is I needed you all, but my stubborn pride would not make me extend a hand for what I required. I struck out instead at my friends. I hurt so badly that I wished for them to hurt too. I wanted to drive a wedge between me and the World. My finger was hovering on that red button.

"Terry...let us help you..." Cort placed his hand on my shoulders and I knocked him back. For a second I struggled with the urge to beat him to pulp for no other reason than he was standing in my way. Reason stopped me as it had stopped me when I almost hurt Heather and Lachlan. Or was it love again?

I lurched out of the house, kicking open the front door and running for my hire car. I heard Cort trying to make me see sense and I was aware that Isobel was weeping helplessly, but I ignored it all. I felt that I was drowning. I couldn't breathe. In all my life I have never felt so close to the edge. Without her I am nothing. I won't even try to go on.

What did I do then? I flew to London with no clear idea in my head. I went home. 

 

 

The house was there, renovated, furnished, but there was not a sign of Uma's presence. Every piece of her clothing, every shoe, item of makeup, jewellery, book, personal possession, photograph - all were gone. There was nothing of her to be seen. She had simply vanished from my life. I wandered from room to room, remembering, reliving, touching the furniture that we had bought together. Her presence was here; I could not have done any of this without her. This was a game- it had to be. She wasn't really gone when so much of what she had been still remained. But that did not solve my own particular problem. How did I cross to her reality? And how did I bring her back?

For a few days I simply hung about the house and thought. I read old diaries and tried to look for clues. Every diary where a sister had crossed over - but there seemed to be no discernible pattern. They were just there and we met them- the Sisters did not have the significant moment of a film to pinpoint potential crossing places. It seemed hopeless the more I ransacked the facts for clues. I drank a lot. I didn't eat much. I don't remember showering. I slept where I fell asleep.

One night I must have wandered into the nursery. It was almost finished now- I had spent a lot of my free time in here, exploring my creative side. The walls were alive with images and colour. The centre piece was the beautiful pale oak cradle, intricately carved with moulded edges and the swirling mobile of sea creatures that hung above. I ran my hand across the surfaces and realised the probable truth. My child would never sleep in this bed. This room would stand here empty and alone - a constant reminder of what I had so nearly had and so heartlessly lost. I could not live in this house and yet I could not leave it. It was a little part of her - the only I might ever have again.

I slithered to the floor and sat with my back against the wall. A brightly coloured strip of material protruded from beneath a cupboard. My fingers reached out to free it and I pulled it out. It was a scarf that Uma sometimes wore. What was it doing here? Why had it not disappeared along with everything else? I held it to my face and smelt a familiar fragrance that she often used. Dior Addict. I remember picking it up at an airport and a salesgirl telling me that men always go for it. It did something to their pheromones. Uma said she would be fighting them off with a stick now. I said that was my job. Why was I remembering that stupid conversation? Things we had said were swirling round my head. It felt that it would burst. I drank deep from the bottle of Scotch that I had carried up under my arm. I must have finished it. I don't remember anything else.

 

 

MAXIMUS

I was in my fields when I heard the news. The night before, I had arrived back after a week in the mountains recuperating after a difficult case. I had left my cell phone behind and kept myself purposely out of contact. Sometimes a man just wants to be alone. Early morning at first light I woke up and went out to ride my land. It was a pleasure to find my horses so well cared for- I owed the men here a great debt for what they had done for me.

I saw Isobel waiting for me on the porch of my house as I rode back. My senses told me immediately that this was bad news. I dismounted, secured my mount and walked over; Isobel ran forward to speak to me. One moment you live in blissful ignorance and the next your world falls apart- I had enough experience of that in my life. Your brain plays out the moments leading up to enlightenment.

 

I closed my eyes and went to sleep. Someone entered my room; I woke with a start and went for my knife. Quintus led me to the emperor's tent and my life descended into darkness. What had I dreamed about in that time before I knew? In the last moments of ease that I had ever known? What thoughts had drifted through my mind on that night before I fell to sleep? I had made up my mind to do my duty by the emperor; I had mentally composed a letter to my wife to inform her of the change in plans and to ask her to travel to me- it appears that I would be away from the front so there was no reason that we should not be together...and then reality bites deep and the precipice yawns before you...

 

I had been thinking of the future, how I wanted to see Ann and perhaps invite her to stay here at the farm. I had wondered how Uma was and tried to imagine her heavy-bellied and maternal, awaiting the birth of her child which would only be a few months away now. I dreamed ahead to some future day when we might spend some time together alone again. I planned to buy a few more horses. Idle strands of thought on a warm spring morning- the nearest to peace and contentment that I had had in a long while. I should have recognised the warning signs.

Isobel ran forward to me and I could see by her tear-stained face that something dreadful had happened. "It's Uma..."

The cold hand of fear clutched at my bowels. I imagined a difficulty in pregnancy and some dreadful premature labour that might have carried her away. Childbirth still has the power to strike fear into me. I had lived in a time when it was as dangerous as the battlefield. But the truth was almost as bad. As Isobel told me what she knew, I realised that the power that binds us here is stronger even than any of us had dared imagine. Thorne and Uma had trifled with the laws of this world and she had paid the ultimate price. But I could not in all conscience blame him- for hadn't I dreamed of doing the same thing myself?

"Where is he?" She did not ask who I meant.

"Back in London, I think."

"What does he intend to do?"

"Find her - but he's a mess. I'm not sure he's holding together."

I ran into the house and picked up the carryon I had deposited there the night before when I had arrived; it was still packed up. "Ask Egan to come over and take care of the horses. I'm sorry. I have to leave..."

Isobel grabbed my arm. "Where are you going? This has nothing to do with you..."

"Then I am making it my business." I made for my car, threw in the luggage and drove off. I could not speak. I did not dare to speak. The past was rising again to haunt me. A lost woman and child. It would not happen again.

 

*

 

The house was quiet when I pulled up in the hire car, but his car was in the driveway, parked at a careless angle, suggesting a hurried return. There was no answer to my ring so I walked round the house trying windows and doors. The back door was open- unusually careless oversight; I entered. Inside there was no sign of life except that the place was untidy and uncared for. There was food in the kitchen lying on a table and unwashed dishes in the sink.

Passing through the hallway, I noticed his luggage and laptop strewn on the floor; he is a methodical man not given to untidiness but I could imagine him running into the house and calling her name on the off chance that by some miracle she had returned. I took myself through the house right up to the top floor which I knew was their bedroom but I could not find him. I felt some concern. Returning to the floor below, I tried the door at the bottom of the corridor and knew as soon as it swung open that I would find him there.

It was a child's room, a nursery, bright and innocent in it daubings and colourful decorations. He was lying, apparently dead drunk, slumped on the floor, an empty bottle of whisky by him. I knelt down by him, dragged him to a half-sit by his shirt and tried to rouse him.

"Thorne...Terry...wake up, man...wake up!" He groaned and knocked my hands away, muttering some profanity at me. I stood up and dragged him to his feet; he staggered and I had to shift my weight not to go down under him. "Stand up, man!"

I walked him forward towards the exit and into the nearest bathroom. With very little decorum, I threw him down in the shower cubicle and turned on the cold taps. He yelped and began to berate me colourfully but he was so drunk that he couldn't manage to stand and simply howled in temper. When I thought he was fully awake I snapped off the water and hauled him up.

"That's better. Now...let's sober you up."

"Fuck off." He staggered forward and stripped, throwing the sodden clothes on the floor. He looked at himself in the mirror and groaned. I could see why. He looked terrible- sporting several days' growth of beard, his body unwashed, rings beneath his eyes and the grey pallor of someone who had eaten poorly and drunk too much; his breath reeked of stale alcohol and cigarettes. "Christ? Is that me?"

I handed him a towel. "Take a warm shower now and use some soap. I'll be down stairs when you are finished."

I went to the kitchen and made some coffee. He joined me about fifteen minutes later, still unshaven but looking fresher and wearing clean clothes. He said nothing but went to the fridge and drank from a carton of orange juice and then he slumped down at the table and lit up a cigarette. "What the fuck you doing in my house?"

"What the fuck are you doing in your house?" I replied.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean why are you here when you should be out trying to bring her back? What good are you to her lying drunk in your own filth?"

He looked up at me belligerently. "Get the fuck out of here."

I smiled and leaned back in my chair, drinking slowly from a mug of coffee. "If I leave here, I go to find her."

"You keep your fucking hands off her..."

"So...you think I could find her? Bring her back?" He said nothing. "Well, do you?"

"I don't know. Maybe you know more than me. I don't have a fucking clue where to start. I've read every Sisters' first diary, raked them for clues, but there's fuck-all there. They don't have a moment like we do. We have the films. They were just there- they didn't know how they crossed. Isobel said they brought themselves- they made the choice. But how? Where the fuck is the place that it all began??" He dragged on the cigarette and started coughing. He was a wreck.

"Well, it isn't here. She lived in Manchester then. The first time I saw her it was there. Who did she see first?"

"White."

I went to the computer and logged on, found her first diary and printed it out. "It is somewhere in here. If you look hard enough. I'm going to fix you something to eat and then you are going to get a good night's sleep. Tomorrow morning you get on the road and find her. Do not come back without her. Do you hear me?"

He looked up at me. "Why are you doing this? What's in it for you?"

I closed my eyes and thought of an answer. "Once a malevolent force took my wife and child from me. I tried everything I could to save them. I rode halfway across Europe until I almost killed myself and the horse died under me. I was too late. Terry...she isn't dead. Your baby is alive. They are just somewhere else. You are the expert on kidnap. This power has kidnapped them and taken them to a place unknown. Find them. Use the clues and bring them back. You have the chance that I never had. You must take it. I don't want you to suffer as I have. Terry, I understand what it is to give up and not give a damn if you live or die. I have been there, I have walked that road. But while there is still a chance - you must not let her down! She is somewhere waiting for you...find her!"

"And if I don't?"

"Then you deal with that later. Thorne...if you won't go- then I will. And if I find her...I may not bring her back to you."

He rose out of the seat as if he was about to hit me and then he fell back, laughing. "Good tactic. Make me angry. Fire me up. Lucky for you I can't see straight...OK, I'll do what you say...you are right, Max...kick me up the arse. I appreciate it." He held his hand out to shake mine. I gripped it.

"Don't be too complacent. I meant what I said. You do right by her or I will. I give you no more chances."

He nodded and blew air our slowly, his acceptance of my warning. "Let's find something we can eat. I'm fucking starving..." But I was not fooled by his change of subject. The light was dawning in his eyes again. He was rubbing the soil of the battlefield between his fingers. This time he would fight to win.

 

 

TERRY

 

 

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