The Last Supper

 

[9 May 2004]

MAXIMUS

Dino has a fine home, though I believe it is the presence of the women and children filling its walls with light and life that I found so appealing.  Familial love.  How precious it is.  I might be on the fringes of it, but it is that sense of family that eases men who make their way in the world by sword or gun.  The more violent a path we cut in life, the softer the things we wish to surround ourselves with at home.  A small child's snaffling.  The sweet milky scent of a nursing mother.  The gentle touch of a woman's hand and the soft feel of her rounded curves against our hard bodies.  Even the things a man talks about with his woman become softer at such a time. 

I miss it.

All of the people gathered under this roof have less faith in the blessed Mother than I, and are more uneasy now than ever before.  Though I cannot change that, nor would I be so arrogant as to try, I too wished to offer what aid I could.  Lachlan's strength went to his woman.  Terry- the same.  Dino provided shelter and comfort.  I was uncertain of my purpose, but as I watched them, I became aware of the reason for my presence. 

I observed how scattered they all seemed.  Lachlan withdrew with his woman.  Terry sheltered his.  Dino seemed to float between them all, as did I... making peace... saying our farewells.  There was a sense we lacked cohesion.... or perhaps I simply felt that because it is in my nature to lead, to unite the separate parts into one unit that better serves us all.  If there was ever a time we needed to lay aside our differences and reinforce each other, it was now.   

I arranged it.  I am becoming better at manipulating this more modern world.  And for all its headaches, I will admit to enjoying some of its conveniences.  I made some calls.  Food arrived.  Flowers, too.  I believe that is the custom on this day to celebrate motherhood.  I could not help but wonder at the timing.  The blessed Mother choosing this day of all days?  It cannot be coincidence. 

Everyone was scattered.  Uma was speaking with Dino outside.  He was holding Maia, who wriggled like a little fish.  Inside, Terry spoke softly to Heather.  Lachlan slept nearby on the couch with Tristan on his chest.  I gathered them all and we broke bread together.  It wasn't the easiest meal I have ever attended.  Every last one of us sitting at that table knew we would lose something dear to us before the sun rose once again... and yet, we were able to set that aside and enjoy each other's familiar company one last time. 

Conversation flowed.  Wine did as well.  Even the girls were coaxed to take a few small sips.  In a custom I was unfamiliar with, Lachlan put a drop on Tristan's tongue and whispered some words over him.  The child screwed up his little face but did not cry.  Such a hale boy.  Heather looked nervous, though Lachlan settled her well enough.  Terry forbade Uma from doing the same when she threatened.  He said it was tempting providence... Maia was unusually quiet.  Dino thanked him for saving his hearing.  I seconded that.  Everyone laughed.   

Around and around it went.  Good food.  Good friends.  Laughter and a few tears too.  Toasts were made.  I had the honor of giving the last.  I chose a quote I learned as a boy.  Lucius Annaeus Seneca said it far better than this humble soldier ever could.   

"As is a tale, so is life: not how long it is, but how good it is, is what matters."

We lifted our glasses and drank.  

And it was good.  

 

 

DINO

The time had come.  Max was inside talking to Uma.  Heather was upstairs asleep with Lachlan.  The children were with them.  It was just me and the old man.  Not really sure I had it in me to talk to him just yet.  It had only been a few hours since I said goodbye to Heather, but I knew both of us had things that needed saying... and this was probably the only shot we were going to get.

It made me angry, this feeling like everything was sort of accelerating and there was nothing to do but ride it out.  In general, I don't do helplessness very well.  And having to say goodbye to Heather stirred up a lot of things I'd shoved down deep.  I'm not naïve enough to imagine there was ever any other outcome that what we were all facing this morning.... but it didn't make it hurt any less.  And it sure as fuck didn't make what Terry did with her in Scotland OK. 

I was hurt.  And angry.  And so goddamn sick at having to tell them all goodbye that I'd long passed any semblance of graceful conversation.  Part of me wanted to hit him.  The other part wanted to grab hold and tell him how fucking bad I was going to miss his raggedy ass.  I knew I was in a bad place mentally for a conversation like this... but he is my best friend.  I couldn't let him go with bad blood between us.             

I might have been on edge, but he wasn't doing so hot either.  I sat in one of the rattan chairs outside, drinking hot tea while I watched him light up and pace around the deck, occasionally throwing the room above a look.  Max was up there with Uma.  I felt for him.  I did.  But I won't lie.  It was harder to find sympathy now that I'd found myself in the same position as good old Maxie.       

I cradled the simple cup in my palm and stared at it.  It was Japanese.  And several hundred years old.  I used it every morning.  I often wondered about the nature of the conversations it had been a party to over the centuries.  Guess I was about to add another doozie to its history.

"You're gonna wear a hole in my deck, man."  Terry turned around and gave me the eye.  I poured him a cup of the strong black tea and set it across the table from me in invitation.  Gave him some shit too, though.  "Chamomile?  Good for the nerves, I hear..."

He made that face he does.  "That why you're drinking it, mate?"  

I let that one go.  He threw himself down in the chair across from me and picked up the cup.  We'd had more than a few talks over them through the years.  They were a thank you from him, actually.  The card had said: 

 

 

Somehow, it was easier in that moment to think of the past than the present.  It was awkward, which was telling in itself.  I stared at my cup.  He stared out over the valley.  I was quiet for a lot of reason, I guess.  Not just because I knew this conversation would be hard- but also because having it meant facing up to the fact that this really was the end of it all.  And that was a fucking hard thing to do.

It was Terry who finally broke the silence.  "Well, you're lively this morning... can't take your booze these days?"

Typical opener.  A mild insult and a slur about my age.  Heh.  "I could say the same of you, pal... you're not looking too sunny either."  I deflected his question.  "That because I saw your girlfriend go up to talk to Uma?"

He looked across at me.  "Give it a rest.  I'm not in the mood."

I took a sip.  "Yeah?  Thorn in your paw?"  I couldn't help it.  It just happens.  The shit goes down and we fall back into this familiar rhythm.  There's a strange comfort in it.  We both laughed at my pathetic joke. 

He shook his head and smiled ruefully.  "Jesus.  Even Jack wouldn't want to claim that one."  True enough... but it still got a rise out of him.  He gave the window another look and shifted uneasily.  "Yeah... they are talking.  Up to them now...."  He looked like he was about to start pacing again. 

"Relax, Jack-in-the-box.  He isn't going to do anything rash."  However much he might want to.  I'd know.  "She isn't either.  You know that." 

Terry just shrugged.  I waited for him to say more.  He didn't.  And to be honest, I really wasn't up for drawing him out this morning.  I knew he felt it too.  We were stilted with each other.  Understandable, considering the burden each of us carried.  He gave me a knowing look.  "Anyway... how are you this morning?  Seen Heather?"

Hearing him refer to her so casually rubbed me the wrong way.  I swallowed it down and gave him a tight look.  "We talked earlier."  There was a long, uncomfortable silence.  What the fuck did he expect me to say?  Yeah, man... we talked.  She broke my heart.  Thanks for asking.  More tea?  Fuck that noise. 

"Yeah?  Everything sorted?"    

Jesus.  Like it's simply a matter of me saying goodbye?  My temper flared.  "What do you think?  I thought you were the expert on that these days."  I have him a look.  "She's with Curry- where she belongs."  Don't know if I said it to remind him.  Or myself.  Maybe both.       

"What's that supposed to mean?"  When I didn't immediately answer, he pressed harder.  "You got something to say to me- say it."  It was the last straw for me.  I didn't need to pull my punches with him the way I did with Curry. 

"Some fucking negotiator you are.  You know what it means."  

"What is this about, Dino?  You got a problem with me and Heather?  Well, tough shit."

"Nice, man... really nice."  I shook my head.  "I just didn't expect it from you is all....  Jesus, Terry!"

"Expect what?"

Danger zone.  "Don't push me."  It was a warning- and he ignored it.  He doesn't pull any punches with me either. 

"This place is all about the love- no one told you about that, mate?"  He shoved up and started pacing again.  Smoking like a chimney. 

I struggled with the urge to hit him.... and chose words instead.  "Liked it when he fucked your woman while she was carrying your child, did you?"  No response.  He just turned his back.  I took a deep drag and said something I'd been dying to say for months.  "You shouldn't have touched her."

He blew out aggressively.  "My relationship with another woman is none of your fucking business.  I don't interfere in your life- so butt out of mine."

"Like fuck it isn't my business."  She is my business, like it or not.  To say nothing of the fact he wouldn't be standing here if it wasn't for me.  It's not that I felt he owed me.  I'd never felt that.  More I felt a sense of responsibility.  Bit like a father, really... though I'd fucking die before I said as much.  And that made all this worse.  It wasn't just about her.  It was the first time he'd ever disappointed me. 

He turned around and faced me.  "OK.  So we have established the point at issue.... she let me and she didn't let you.  How is that my fault?"

"Because you fucking know better!  And it was a cheap shot- even for this place."  How did he fucking think it felt to read those words of hers?  I loved her.  I love her still.  And I stayed with her in those last days before she disappeared, wanting more than I should- and taking nothing, only to find out later he'd gone somewhere with her neither of us should have ever been.  He's lucky I hadn't hit him.  I should have.   

"Well, apparently I don't know better.  Jesus, mate... it was a difficult time.  We were all working things out."  And then he said it.  I knew he would.  "It was her choice too.  Did you give her any shit about it?"

This time it was me who turned my back.  I walked off and lit up, pacing as he had earlier.

"Listen, mate... I'm sorry.  I know what it must have looked like from the outside... but it wasn't like that." 

I turned around.  "Look, I'm going to level with you..." 

He nodded, rubbing his face with his hands.  He was uncomfortable.  And he knew I had a point.  "Give it to me straight, Dino."

"This morning- this is it... and who the fuck knows how long you have here?" 

"I know."

"I couldn't let this lie, Terry.  You and me?  We've always been straight up."

"Yeah... always."

I swallowed hard.  "I love you like a brother but that was a deep cut."  He knew how I felt about her. 

"I'm sorry.  I never thought about it like that."  I nodded.  "Dean, you and me... you are my friend.  Closer to me than any man in this world.  I let you down.  I was thinking of myself and never gave you a thought."  He cocked his head and acknowledged my look, but gave me one of his own.  "But in the circumstances- would you?"

Of course I would have done exactly as he had.  That was half of what made this all so fucking hard.  I nodded and looked away.  So there it is.  Admission I would have let him down, too.  I took a deep breath and let it out slowly.  "Jesus, this is a fucked up place, Terry."

"I know."  We returned to the table.  It was easier to hold the cup this time around.  "You gonna be all right?"

No.  But I'd live.  I snorted.  "As good as old Maxie in there."  That pretty much says it all, now doesn't it?

He made a face.  "Yeah.... He gets the sword end again, hey?"  I nodded.  He did indeed.  "Jesus, Dino.... fucking years on my own and then I get myself tied up into knots.  Go on, tell me what a fucking pathetic bastard I am with women."

I laughed.  "You don't need any help from me on that score."

He sighed.  "I never wanted to be the cause of all this shit.  Not really my style."

"I know that.  Never has been.  But we're all to blame.  You, me, her... Curry- for letting her fucking go in the first place." 

"Well, he's no fucking saint."  Fingering his scar.  Should have seen that one coming.  "We all know why he let her go."  We did.  Uma.   

"Yeah?" I gave him the eye.    

"Yeah."  He threw that one right back.

"Well, it's a pretty shit feeling, isn't it?"  I rolled the cup in my hands.  "Look, Terry... you and me go back a long ways.  Girls never got between us before."  I looked away a moment.  Uma had, but I wasn't about to mention that.  "But I had to square this with you before...."  I closed my eyes a moment and sighed, suddenly feeling like an old man.  Losing his friendship was going to be so fucking hard.  I felt his eyes on me.  He spoke before I could.

"We can't let this come between us now.  I won't let it.  I'm sorry and I do understand what this will cost you- what it will cost Max.  But we are none of us entirely to blame.  I know you are going to lose the girl you love.  And I wish you had had that chance with her before it ended.  If it's any consolation, it's you she really wants- not me.  That's probably why, you know?  Like Uma dancing around Max.  It was because she loved him- not because she didn't." 

God, he was a good friend.  The best.  "So there it is, then.  You got something that I didn't- that we both should have never taken.  That's all I wanted to say... just to get it out there so I could tell you I'm going to miss the fuck out of you without that resting heavy on my heart."

"I'm glad you said.  And you have no idea how I shall miss you.  And that is all I am fucking going to say, you know?"

I smiled.  "I know."  Sometimes you just don't need words.

We laughed and then he groaned.  "Who's gonna bail me out next time?  Tell me that I am behaving like a big girl?" 

"Curry, no doubt... or Uma... She's worse than he his." 

"Yeah... but... it's never quite the same, ya know?"

"I know."  I poured us more tea.  "But you know I'll be with ya in spirit, man...every time you hear that little voice in your head giving you some shit..."

"Right.  Floating in that malt..."  He lifted his cup.  "Here's to you, Red."

"And you."  God, this was hard.

We fell silent for a while, just looking out over the valley below.  "She's gotta be out there somewhere, you know?  The one."

I smiled sadly.  "She was."

"Yeah, mate."  This time the silence wasn't uncomfortable.  "Jesus, life, hey?"

I thought that one over.  "You ever think there's a reason for it all?"

"Well, I do when I look at that little girl.  I mean, what else matters at the end of the day?  It took me a long time, but I finally got it right.  Finally found out what I was meant to do."

"I think so too."  I sat back in the chair.  "I think maybe that's why I pulled you out of the prison that night, you know?  So you could have those two girls upstairs.  Maybe that was a part of what I was meant to do."    

He nodded.  "Yeah, I've been thinking about that a lot these days.  Karma."

I grinned.  "It's a bitch..."

"Yeah... a real bitch."  He looked thoughtful.  "But then I ask myself... why me?"

"Balance."

"That so?"  He rubbed his thumb over the rim of the cup.

"Yep."  My eyes traveled up to the room where Uma and Maia were.  "Gotta be some tough shit at one end to balance out something that damned good."

He eyed me up.  "So who decides who gets the shit and who gets the pot of gold?  How exactly does that work?"

I shrugged and took a big drag.  "I don't have a clue... Sorry- not my day to play Almighty."  We laughed.  "Maybe tomorrow." 

"Tell you something, man.  If I'd lost them both... I wouldn't have seen a reason to go on.  Not sure I would have found the courage.  You have.  More than once.  That's quite a man in my eyes."  And coming from him, it meant a lot.  I didn't need to say so.  He knew.  "Gotta be worth something to someone."

You'd think.  Maybe someday it will.  Who knows?  I struggled to keep the emotion in check.  He saw it but didn't comment.  Neither of us needed to hide.  Not now.  Still, we would always have that familiar rhythm... and we fell into it so easily.  "I hate to disappoint you, old man... but you'd have gone on too.  Remember Tecala?"

He snorted.  "Tecala?  You think that was the same league?  I can ride a blow but something finally kills you, mate."   

"True... but she woke you up.  Welcome to the land of the living, sunshine.  Here's a kick in the heart to get you going...."  Not sure if mentioning Tecala was the smartest thing... but there is it.  Done.

"Yeah... woke me up."  We both laughed.  "Look... something else I want to say."  He was fucking with his eyebrow again.  Shit.  "Uma...."  He scratched at his hair... fiddling around like he always does when he talks from the heart.  "She's gonna miss you... I mean... she thinks a lot of you.  As a friend.  More than a friend.  I just want to say... I appreciate how you behaved with her.  You could have made it harder.  You never did.  Maybe I should have taken notes, hey?"

I didn't know what to say.  Uma was.... beyond words, I think.  She always had been for me.  And I knew what it cost him to say it.  Probably as much as it cost me to keep my distance.  "Thanks, Terry.  That means a lot."

"I don't want bad blood between us, Dino.  It's over now.  Let's remember the good times, hey?"  He smiled.  "Well, some of them were pretty shitty... but... well, it was fun...."  He was trying hard with this.  I tried too.  Least I could do, you know?

"Yeah?  Fred and Ginger?  We had our dance."  And that was all I intended to say about that.  

We laughed.  "And you know how dangerous dancing is, mate...."

I laughed harder, remembering how we'd danced at his 40th birthday.  "With you leading?  Don't remind me!"

He gave me this affronted look.  "Hey!  I got rhythm."

"Faulty rhythm."

We traded a few more insults and then we both kind of wound down.  Just two old buddies and two empty cups.  How many times had we been here?  I looked over.  "About what you said before?  No bad blood, Terry."  I stuck out my hand.  He smiled, grasped it hard and pulled me into an embrace.  Damn, I was going to miss him.  I pounded his back.  He pounded mine. 

"Now fuck off before I show you where Maia gets her shrieking from."

"Pathetic, man..."  But he knew I was so full of shit.  My eyes were as wet as his.  

"Hey!  I'm a new man... In touch with my emotions..."

"Is that right?"  I chuckled.  "Thought it was something else you were in touch with these days, Thorne."

He gave me that face.  Sour lemons.  "And that would be?"  

I grinned.  "Self delusion."  So here we were... at the end.  You know me.  I couldn't let it go without some smartass comment.  I just wouldn't be me, otherwise.  "And Terry?  I was always the better dancer...."

And he wouldn't be Terry if he didn't answer me back.  "That so?  Well, now we'll never know... will we?  Maybe that's the way to leave it, mate?  Call it a draw."

"A draw then."  

I chuckled and pressed one of the cups into his hand, keeping the other for myself.  He nodded his thanks.  It was only right he took it.  I didn't need to say the words.  He heard them well enough.

Five hundred years in the palm of your hand.  A thousand together.  I could live a thousand more and never find as good a friend. 

Cheers, hermano.  It's been fun.                  

 

 

UMA

So there we all were gathered in Dino's office in a sort of hushed reverential silence rather as if we has entered a church. This religious business was really getting to me- I almost genuflected when I stood before the computer screen. Terry nudged me and said: "Behave!" I hissed back: "It was an accident!" He just gave me his look.

When I say all of us - that's exactly what I mean. After a fractious hour while Maia screamed her head off and resolutely refused to go to sleep, we decided that she might as well join us and add her opinion to the rest. I reckon that if we put Maia and Dea in a room alone for five minutes, the goddess would gladly send us pretty sharpish to another universe to be rid of the earache.

Everyone had done their bit to console her. She had been jiggled and dandled, patted and cuddled, nursed and rocked by all and sundry but to no avail. First Terry then Lachlan then Dino and even Maximus had taken her for a walk about.  Actually she was quiet most of the time for him; I think he just gave her that look he saves for opponents and tigers so she decided to give him the benefit of the doubt- but her lip had been curling up most of the time and her little sobs were pitiful.

Of course Tristan was a little angel. He just curled up in his mother's arms and stared at her with those big eyes - he is such a darling. I might know that I would get the looney baby. It's a good job that I love her and she's gorgeous - but a pity that she gets her personality from her father. Temper- she takes surly to a new level.

Finally we were all assembled and I took Maia from Terry. He squeezed my hand and I looked him in the eyes. "You sure about this?"

He needed to ask?

I looked from him to our daughter suddenly docile and dozing in my arms and I said, "We both are!" He nodded and did his usual snap to it, clapping his hands and firing us up for the forthcoming show. Dino logged on and he summoned the goddess.

Did I really just type that?

 

Perhaps I should back up a little. It had been a strange sort of day all round, full of strange groupings. I suspect a lot of things had been sorted out, or at least peace been made, but I was not a party to most of what went on, staying mostly in our room and spending quiet time with my daughter. Of course, Maximus and I spoke. Terry and Dino also shared an emotional and honest farewell - but he hadn't discussed its outcomes with me as yet. I knew he would when he was ready. While that had all been playing out I had my own aftermath to deal with.

I wandered out into the garden to sit on a wooden bench in the warm spring sunshine. Maia was asleep in her carrycot in the lounge and I felt the need for some fresh air and privacy from the eyes of others. I wanted to have a good cry. There were a lot of things to cry for. I wasn't sure I really knew how to begin.

It was to be expected that someone would have discovered me considering the number of people who were holed up in Dino's once private sanctuary. It was Heather who actually found me there. She, too, must have wanted some peace and quiet for herself, a place to meditate on the cataclysmic decision we were about to take but instead she came across me, sobbing my heart out.

"Uma...what's the matter?" she asked, all concerned and tender as she slipped in beside me her arm about my shoulders. I turned my face away and rubbed at my eyes with the backs of my hands.

"Nothing...nothing... I was just...you know?"

"Baby blues?" she queried with a smile. I turned to face her.

"Baby blues?" Actually no. I mean, you would imagine that if any two new mothers had a right to post-natal depression it would be us, wouldn't you? But I think we simply have too much on our plates to have the time for such mundane conditions. "Bloody hell - baby blues? I'd be bloody laughing if that's all that was the matter with me at the moment!"

Heather smiled softly. "Know what you mean, girl." That's when I felt like a complete idiot. What right did I have to be the one to crumple after all that she and Lachlan had suffered.

"God, Heather- I am such an insensitive cow! What a silly whinging baby I am! I can't believe I am complaining to you after what happened to you both...in comparison I have no problems at all!"

She rubbed my back fondly. "Don't make light of what you went through. You were cast out like so much unwanted baggage. Alone. You were never given a choice. However bad things became for us, we were together. We chose it and there were times when it was almost transcendental in its rightness. I cannot bear to think of you alone all those long months and how Terry suffered, struggling to find you believing he might never see you again...never hold his own child...that was too cruel...too cruel..."

I shrugged and played with the hem of my T-shirt. "I didn't die. Well, actually...I think I did. I expect we all did...the car was going to crash...it must have crashed in my reality. And just at that moment she pulled us through again. Oh God, she did that as well! Heather- I hate this! Is there anything that she hasn't preordained? Have we never had free will all along?"

Heather signed. "I don't think she made it all happen. She wants us to act for ourselves and maybe, she is trying, in her own obscure way, to save us from the choices we make, I don't know. She isn't sure what we will do. She is curious and toying with us but she doesn't seem to wish us harm..."

"No harm? You nearly bled to death! Lachlan dies in a fiery plane!" 

"But we didn't! We almost did but now we are here and alive and have our perfect son. How can I ever forget that she made that possible?"

I stretched out my toes and basked in the healing warmth of the sun. She was right. We had what we wanted at last and She had been instrumental in arranging that for us.

"So, why the tears?" Heather brought me back to where we had begun. Terry says that she's a killer for that - and he's right.

"Things, you know?"

"Want me to guess?"

I gave her a look. I can do them as well, you know! "Not particularly but something tells me you will."

She chuckled. "Maximus?"

One word. His name and I could not control my reaction. The tears just came again; she let me rest my head on her shoulder while I sobbed as pitifully as my little daughter.

"You've spoken then?" she asked. I nodded. "And it was hard?"

I pulled away, took the tissue she offered me and blew my nose before blurting out the story of our meeting in a rather jumbled account. "He was just so...so...Maximus. You know? He'd made his mind up what was best for us and he was ready to fall on his sword so that I could be happy. The worst is- he is right. The alternative is just too hellish to contemplate and he also needs to be free and to find his own partner in life. But...Heather...I love him and he loves me. Imagine never seeing him again? I can't think it will be like not to have him somewhere in my life!" I tossed my head petulantly, more than sure that behind her calm façade she was probably thinking a whole lot of things about how I had kept Maximus in this untenable position for so long.  "I know you probably think he's better off now and I never deserved his love anyway..."

She interrupted. "Why? Why would you think I would say that?"

I tutted. "Everyone thinks that. Don't you know? That I left him twisting in the wind. I broke his marriage up. I made him believe I would leave Terry for him. I played dangerous portal games with him. Uma keeps him on a string. Uma calls him up when she wants to make Terry jealous. Uma is so good at hurting men...she doesn't love them like we do...you know how many fucking times I have heard that?"

"What are you going on about? Who has said that? I certainly haven't - or even thought it. Sure Lach has thrown a few nasty comments his way but...that's because of how he feels about you..."

"I wasn't referring to Lachlan." I snapped back, wishing I could go light up a fag and take a deep gulp of nicotine.

"Well who then?" She is so bloody persistent.

"There is a school of thought that finds me amusing but something of a little wild cat. If it isn't what I am doing to Max, then it is what I am doing to Terry. I am not kind enough to him. I moan at him and make him eat low fat food... I don't understand him, apparently. He has to confide in other sisters because I don't really understand...or so I am told..."

Heather frowned. "Terry? Do you mean that he sometimes talks to me?"

"NO! I mean... others. They tell me that I don't know what he confides to them and that I am not giving enough. Oh god, Heather, it is such shit! Terry tells me not to take any notice. But it hurts. Just because I don't wear my heart on my sleeve... I once asked Terry if I made him feel like that. He just shook his head and said. Ask them one thing about me that you don't know? You'll never find it, love. But you keep it hidden and so do I. What then can you expect? But, Uma...keep it hidden, hey? Let's have something that we don't have to throw in the pot for everyone to have a crack at?"

I had never voiced these thoughts to anyone but Terry before. I think I rather stunned her; she hadn't been expecting that. "My God, Uma! What have you done that we haven't all done? I simply can't believe anyone would make you feel like that!"

I laid my head back on the bench. "I wouldn't give Maximus what he needed. I pushed him away time and time again. You are supposed to love all the men when you are with them and give them everything or something like that. I never really got the hang of the Game. I gave them what I could of me, truly I did. But as for my heart...I couldn't, Heather...I'm not like that. Sure I have loved a lot of the Brothers- but that's not LOVE to me. Not the heart-stopping, blood thumping, lie awake all night, can't eat, makes you dizzy when he's near, dream of babies and making a home together sort of love!  I've been fucking men left, right and centre since I was a teenager - and I know the difference. No matter how sweet the guy is or how much you care...love is something that you can't parcel out like that. Not true love. Real love. I couldn't dare risk what I had found. I fought the pull all along. It might have worked on my body but it didn't change my heart...but I hate most of all that Maximus paid the price for it in the end. He of all men should not have had to suffer anymore! You have no idea how much I hate myself for that..."

Heather shook her head sadly. "You are you. All you can be is you. It is you who Maximus loves mostly for all those reasons. You love Terry so much that you would not let Maximus threaten what you had? How could that ever be wrong? Maximus sees that you love Terry as much as any man has the right to be loved and I think he appreciates that loyalty and devotion above all else in you. Just as Terry does. Terry adores you and is enriched by your love in ways he never dreamed possible. You helped him become the man he is now, the man we all love so much. You gave him his precious little daughter. Oh girl...Maximus doesn't blame you for being you! I expect he admires that in you. You have confused the issues. You resisted him for the sake of the man you loved- to him that will make you all the higher in his eyes..."

"But...but..."

"What?"

"I don't know! I just feel that it's so sad. I never wished for it all to end like this!  Remember how it used to be? Last year? That crazy cruise when you found us? How could it have all gone so wrong? And what about Ann? I can't even say goodbye to her! I'll never see her again! And she'll never see Maia... I can't bear it when I think of it. It is just so very, very sad..."

I burst out crying again and I could see she was also pretty close. We were both walking bundles of hormones on emotional overload. "Ann couldn't take anymore. She made her choice, Uma. She'd been on the edge of this decision for a long while- we all knew that- and when you went and she found out that Terry had never told her...We are all different. No one is to blame. We all dealt with the game differently. My God, girl, didn't you teach us all that much?"

I laughed ruefully. "I'm very good at academic theory. Speculation. But it's the practice that gets me every time." She laughed and then grew more quiet.  Pensive.

"It's interesting, though- what you said about this 'school of thought'..."

"Go on..."  She was fidgety.  Playing with the charms on her bracelet.  I thought back to Manila and wondered what could possibly make her as unsettled as she was that afternoon we spoke about Terry and Lachlan for the first time. 

"Just wondering.... I guess."

"Wondering....?"  She is so bloody hard to draw out.  I wish she'd just say it.  We didn't have the luxury of time... nor a fine bottle of white to make this all go down a little easier.

"Wondering if it's the same school of thought that's been saying such cutting things to me too, that's all."  She shrugged and smiled a little too brightly.  "I guess I never played the Game right either."  She tried to gloss over it but there was no way I was letting that one go.

"Cutting things?  Like what...?"  She fidgeted more and it only made me more curious.  You know my mind.

"Things like that I have to have all the men love me best."  She looked as angry about that as I felt.  Heather?  Accused of that?  What rubbish! 

"That's a load of old cobblers and you know it!"  I wanted to ask her who said it but I knew she wouldn't be any more forthcoming with answers on that quarter than I had with her. 

She simply shrugged.  "There's more."  

"More?"  bloody unbelievable.

"Yeah."  She blushed and looked away.  "Apparently that same school of thought also believed I was out to steal Terry from you.  And worse- that my friendship with you was just a smokescreen to accomplish it."  She was still blushing but her eyes snapped angrily. 

"Steal Terry?"  I couldn't help it.  I was shocked- but still, I laughed.  What a joke.  

"God, even if I didn't love Lach with all my heart..."  She was quiet but clearly angry and I don't blame her.  That's a pretty rotten thing to be accused of, especially when she'd been such a good friend to Terry- and to me.  I can only imagine what was said to her.  "Not only is it impossible- I'm the least likely to ever try it!"  She turned from annoyance to humour just that fast.  "And why is that, I wonder?"

I snorted.  "Cos you know what a pain he really is."  We both laughed... but it bothered me that she'd been accused of that.  As much as the things I'd been accused of bothered her.   

She sighed heavily.  "There's nothing I hate more than hypocrisy."  She picked up Tristan and cuddled him close, fussing with the edge of his blanket.  "Everyone loves everyone... how many times have we heard that?"  More than I could bloody count.  "Just don't love them too much, hey?  And God forbid you openly admit you reserve your heart for only one of them."  Tristan gurgled and she tickled his tiny cheek.  "I'm so sick of having the finger pointed at me for that.... Like it's wrong for me to love Lach that way."

I nodded.  I knew exactly how she felt.  Her face crumpled and she started to cry.  

"I never meant for Dino to be hurt by it, though.  That's the worst, Uma.  The worst!  I hate that I did that to him." 

I hushed her and rubbed her back like she had for me.  Funny how she could have such smart words about Maximus for me but never imagine they applied to her too.  I told her as much.  She cried harder.  It set Tristan off and soon Maia joined in.  We were a sad bunch.  I can't imagine what any of the men would have done or said if they'd come by and seen the four of us in such sad shape as we were then. 

So we all had a good cry.  I think we needed it.  There was a certain silliness in it too.  She saw it as well- and soon there were smiles in the tears and then laughter too.  It's a good job we got ourselves sorted.  I think Maia's crying must have scared away every bird in a five mile radius.  I shared the thought.          

Heather laughed and I took my chance to change the subject this time.  "How's Lachlan? He's going to be all right, isn't he? I mean he looks so...so worn and beaten down. I hate to see him like that. My beautiful Lach...it breaks my heart..."

Heather looked a little crest fallen and I knew that despite her brave words she was also a little concerned for him. "He's himself, Uma. I'm not sure if this will make sense to you but, despite all he has suffered, part of him is relieved to be back in his own skin. The war changed him; it marked him both inside and out. That was what was so hard for the others to see. All they saw was this handsome chipper young fellow - but inside he was carrying all these scars. Now we can all see them...somehow he feels more secure like that..."

"Dear God, did I ever really know him at all?" I wondered aloud. Heather touched my arm.

"As much as any of us did then. He loves you Uma and he isn't a man who gives his love lightly. You understood him better than most - don't blame yourself for the things you could not have seen."

"Terry really cares about him, you know. Like a real brother. He isn't given to sentiment or things like that but, well, I think he considers him his real brother. He didn't mean to make things hard for you and Lachlan - although I know at times he did...I mean over you...you know?"

I was digging my usual hole, foot-in-the-mouth disease flaring up again. But Heather smiled. She knows me well enough by now. "I know that! It was just so damned hard to work it all out- too many strains pulling us this way and that..."

"Heather...whilst I am sticking my foot in it, I might as well put the other one forward as well. I want to say something and I am going to be really blunt. I don't really know how else to say it..."

"Yeah?" She gave me her little knowing look like she already had a pretty shrewd idea what I was going to say.

"If we leave for good, I want us to stay friends, wherever we go. I want us to be together whenever we can. The children must grow up as cousins and know each other well. They are very special children and we are different...we are a real family and we must stick together but..." I faltered.

"Go on..."

"But no more partner swapping! If I do this, I do it all the way...right down the line. Terry is mine and I don't intend to share him with anyone again. And I swear I will never look at Lachlan with 'Come to bed' eyes ever again."

"He will be disappointed," Heather grinned. "Seriously though. Do you think Terry would even consider it now? Or that I would? Or Lachlan? Uma we all said our goodbyes long ago and we know it. We just never actually put it in black and white. From now on Terry is my big brother and you are my sister, my only sister. You have no need to fear me as I trust you implicitly."

It had been hard to say but I believe she needed to hear it as much as I did. After all, at the end of the day, as they say, in the modern love of empty platitudes and trite cliché - wasn't that exactly why we were giving up this magical place? This paradise on earth? Hadn't we chosen to walk out of Eden so that we could face a life together hand-in-hand, to raise our children in the best of environments?

 

Which brings us back to where we were that night before a flickering screen waiting for a response to an unearthly IM invite. And lo and behold- it came.

 

 

There was a silence in the room. Maximus' words rang in my head. "Do you believe in oracles?" Those riddling prophesies which hid as much as they revealed? We looked about us from one to the other, each lost in our own private contemplation.

 

 

Lachlan stood, handed his son to Heather and typed the word: GO. He took back the child and Heather looked once at Dino who gave her a tilt of his chin and a gentle smile. She typed: GO. Terry walked up and typed GO and took Maia from me. I took a breath and then embraced Maximus. He whispered: "Go!" I answered "I shall never forget!" and then I typed the same word too.

There was a pause and then Dino stepped forward. "I think my place is still here. This old bird is still thinking this through. Something tells me that I may have a chance if I trust in her. Or maybe I am just losing it in my old age?" He typed : STAY.

Finally Maximus came forward. "There nothing for me there. But She is on my side. This I know. I place myself in her hands." And he too spelt out the word. STAY.

It was done. Accomplished. We stood in the anticlimax and waited for the moment, each taking our last looks at what we believed we would never know again....

 

 

MAXIMUS

I gave my reply and the screen went dark, as if it had suddenly lost power... but I knew it was Her will.  The study lights still glowed softly and the subtle soothing music from the stereo in the other room played on without interruption.

All of us were still.  Waiting.  For what exactly, I was unsure.  Instruction?  Action?  I felt we all had this expectation that once we'd cast our vote, her reaction would be swift.  That they would disappear.  Vanish before our eyes.  When they did not, we shuffled about uneasily, a bit unnerved.  Terry drew his family close.  Lachlan too had his woman and child at his side.  I would have done the same.

Expectant apprehension gave way to nervous bemusement as the moments passed without incident.  Dino's chair creaked.  Lachlan coughed.  Maia wailed into the oppressive stillness and it drew a chuckle from me.  She is her mother's daughter. 

There was a collective feeling of silliness as we looked at each other.  Had we all really imagined they'd disappear before our eyes?  What foolishness.  I wondered, briefly, if She was laughing at our pathetic attempts to anticipate Her divine will.  The closely knotted couples slowly drifted apart.  Terry laughed.  The ready wit of his, that I usually find so trying, was a welcome distraction. 

"She is not impressed, hey?"

Lachlan snorted.  "Neither am I, mate."

We all laughed. 

Maia snaffled.  Terry spoke to Lachlan while the women fussed over the little ones.  A sound from the adjoining room drew my attention.  I looked away but a moment... and when we turned back, they were gone.  No warning.  No goodbyes.  Nothing left of them but the fading echo of a tiny child's cry.

My Melissa!  I could not stop the plaintive cry of my heart.  I turned away from my brother.  I did not wish to see his face.  Nor did I wish for him to see mine.  It was done. 

Good journey to you, my sweet Melissa.  I said a small prayer for her.  For them all. 

   

I had great need of both.  And I knew I was not the only one in need of such things this night.  My brother was motionless.  Sitting quietly in his chair.  His eyes were closed.  I said a prayer for him as well; aware his loss was even greater than my own.  In the space of a single heartbeat, he had lost everything that truly mattered to him.  I know that pain.  And there is nothing for it but time. 

I turned to go.  He would not miss me, and in truth, I wished to be alone with my own thoughts.  I made my way to the study door and was surprised to find my path blocked by a slender woman with dark hair and golden brown eyes.  It took me a moment to place her familiar features.  I had seen her before... but where?  I smiled at the Great Mother's generosity when the answer came to me. 

The mantle.  Downstairs.  

She was no longer wearing a uniform like in the picture, and time had gently touched her face, but it was the same woman.  Genoma.  She smelled of lemon blossoms.  Our eyes met and for one wild moment, the spark of hope burned in my breast as I looked beyond her.... what if....?  But then I felt as if words were somehow whispered into my mind. 

I am sorry.  I have no wooden nickels for you, Maximus.  

The bright spark burned dim.  Perhaps I have been too obedient.  Dea seems to favor those who test her patience and break her rules.  A feeling of divine amusement touched my consciousness briefly and then retreated.  She knows as well as I that I am what I am.  Duty.  Servitude.  Faith.  These things are the hallmarks of my life.  I know in my heart the worthy are always rewarded.  It is only a matter of how and when.  The proof of that was standing before me now.

Dino's eyes were still closed- but he was smiling.  Could he smell her perfume?  Did he imagine himself lost in some memory so real he could almost smell it?  Before either of us could call to him, the computer trilled loudly.  His eyes opened.  Followed directly by his mouth. 

She went to him.  "You really are hopeless, Jar... you know that?"  He just shook his head and pulled her into his arms, laughing and crying, disarmed as only a man can be with the woman who truly holds his heart.  He touched her face reverently and then kissed her deeply.  I looked away.  The silence suddenly seemed very loud.  And quite long.  How many years had it been for them?  Ten?  Twelve?  I hoped I could wait with the same dignity and forbearance that he had shown.   

I heard whispers.  And then:  "Are you real?"

Her soft laughter followed.  "Well.... yeah."  It made me smile.  So that's where that expression of his came from.  Stolen from his woman.  Not so smooth after all, is he?  Or perhaps we are all simply helpless fools in the arms of the women we love.  I wanted to leave but some force held me there, murmuring into my mind....  Don't go.  Not yet.... Not yet...

His arms never left her but his voice was strong and sure.  "I know how She operates.  This is going to cost me bigtime, isn't it?"

Genoma nodded.  "You should know, Dean.  You set the price yourself."

His words came unbidden to my mind.  

 

 

Before either of them could speak, the computer trilled again.  Loudly.  I knew then why I'd been prompted to stay behind.  Dea desired a witness to this moment.  Someone to carry an accounting of these events back to the others.  Three words appeared on the screen. 

STAY or GO?

Dino looked to her.  His woman's words were very soft.  "That little horse figurine you got in Japan... that was from Her, Dean.  You've earned it many times over.  Earned a second chance... but it comes at a steep price."

"Everything," he breathed.  

She nodded.  "Everything.  All of it.... this place, the people.... your haven... your stash in the Caymans....your touchstones.... everything.  You don't get any goodbyes.  You don't get to follow Terry and Lachlan.  You don't get any more chances.  All you get is me."

"Do you want this?"  His hand shook as he touched her cheek.  "If you want to go on alone, Gen.....it's OK..."

She touched his face.  "You wonderful, foolish man.  We only get one vote and I used mine to get to you."  There were tears on both their faces. 

"And if I hadn't believed?"

She simply shrugged.  "You were always worth the risk, Jar.  Always."

At once, this overwhelming sense of peace seemed to swell around them and rippled out to envelop even me.  He moved without hesitation and typed the word: GO.

They turned to face me but said nothing.  No goodbyes.  She had decreed it.  It didn't matter.  None were needed.  They began to shimmer with a golden light.  He pulled his keys from his pocket and tossed them to me.  His mouth said: "Take it all.  It's yours."  His eyes said: Tell them it was worth the risk.

I blinked and they were gone.  

So, here stands the faithful soldier charged with one last task.  To those who have been left behind... and most of all to my Melissa, wherever the fates have cast your beautiful light....

It was always worth the risk.  

 

   

DEA

I watch as the last moments unfurl before the expectant audience; wait for the moment when they are distracted enough- and then I make my moves. The scene shifts and the resolution is accomplished. The new player arrives and the final choice is made. Maximus bears witness to the events; alone again he locks up the empty house and drives away, still trusting enough in the absolute wisdom of the deity that his life will have a higher purpose yet.

He will sleep and then he will wake, unmindful of the events which came to pass this night. But I cannot rest, for there is still one task to undertake to restore my Game to rights. The World must be rewound unto a place from whence another reality can take shape. But where to choose? What point in time best suits my purpose? How can I reassemble all my players and best continue with my Plan?

Some must change and realign themselves; others must stay the same. There will be those who find that what they most desire is possible and there will be others who are denied the peace they seek, mostly through their own choice-making. In this Eden, I will reform my chess pieces and play a different strategy, not entirely opposite, but with some constants and a number of variables, as befits a scientific endeavour. This time the dice will tumble in a different fashion- how will my people respond?

But where will I stop this spinning back of time? Wait...let me see...ahhhh, the perfect place! The absolute point in time when fate could be reassigned with merely the simplest tweak of interference! All that is required is the beat of a butterfly wing to reverberate through the World and cause chaos...or restore harmony. The choice is theirs.

So sleep - and then wake and find a new tomorrow. Bring oblivion to the minds of all the players here. Time has rewound and then rolled on again into a different future. Those who were rewarded must suffer loss and disappointment. Those who were denied will receive the benefits they so deserve.

I will watch and learn. Let the Game recommence....

 

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