"Tink?"

"TINK?"

"TINK? You deaf?" 

I ran out of the kitchen where I had been ironing a stack of shirts that he had managed to get through in one week- what does the man do with them? He must wear three at a time.

"Well?" I shouted, not in my normal good humour.

"She's crying."

I took a deep breath. "I know. She has good lungs. So what're you telling me for?"

Terry gave me his look. "Don't put that tone on, Tink. I'm working. I've got to get this report out by lunchtime - Dino needs it by nine a.m." At that he turned back to his PC and just went on typing.

"Ahem?" I cleared my voice. He didn't look round.

"Yeah?" He replied sort of absentmindedly - and then: "She's still crying..."

"Something wrong with your arms, lover? She getting too heavy for you?" I threw at him tartly.

"I'm working and you're the one with the milk-engorged breasts. Be fair, love."

"Working? What do you think ironing a million shirts is?"

"Long overdue. And don't exaggerate. Look I've got an incoming....please..."

I grunted but ran up the stairs anyway. I couldn't let her cry any longer. She would just get into a horrible mood and then we would be stuck with a grizzly baby all afternoon. Or rather I would. He had an appointment on the golf links with a business contact at two. Saturday with the family! He might as well have gone to the office as usual.

When I reached the top of the stairs, I caught a glance of my reflection in the mirror. I shuddered. I looked like someone had dragged me through a hedge backwards. Where had my legendary style and fashion sense gone?

Did I really need to ask?

"OK, sweetie, Mummy's here!" I breezed in gaily and found Maia clinging pitifully to the wooden rails of her cradle. She can support herself in a sitting position now but is still struggling with the pulling herself up bit. Maia had rolled onto her tummy and got jammed against the side and was both scared and angry. Guess who was going to be blamed for that?

Picking up the wailing little baby and jigging her up and down, I walked around the room singing softly to her. She fell quiet and looked up, grabbing a handful of my hair and suddenly giving me her big gummy grin. "Not fair!" I whispered to her as I held her against my shoulder. "You know I can withstand anything but that!"

She's quite adorable. Almost too perfect to be real. The most beautiful little girl ever born. I smiled down at her as I laid her on the changing table and set to work. She lay back and kicked her legs, so glad to be free of the wet nappy and trying as ever to catch and suck her own toes. That amuses her for hours. As she wriggled about gurgling to herself and making all these funny speech-like sounds, my tetchy mood evaporated. I love her so much - and even if she is running me ragged, I could not imagine life without her.

She's so like Terry. I mean she isn't 190 lbs of solid muscle with a square cleft jaw and stubble, of course. She is tiny and fragile and pretty as a picture. But she has these eyes that are just like his and this pert little mouth that pulls that oh so familiar pout or widens into a ready smile. She is quick tempered but forgets easily and is so full of loving - just as he is. I can't explain it. Sometimes I catch her face from the corner of my eye and I just see him there in this sweet little baby and it is impossible to work out what exactly reminds me so much of him. I think it's something to do with how much I love and need them both; the emotions are becoming indistinguishable from each other.

Settling down on the cane chair on the balcony, shaded by the lee of the building itself, I gazed out over the sunny afternoon scene around the dock that curves around our apartment block. She quickly rooted and found my nipple and then began her powerful rhythmic suckling - and I let myself drift and relax. Thank God for breastfeeding or I would probably be a nervous wreck. This time alone with her when she feeds and I just sit and dream is like therapy. My body eases down, my milk flows, my child feeds and I am flooded with a euphoria that is different from, but as physically pleasurable as, an orgasm. Nature is truly a wonderful thing - if you let it have its way.

The dock was busy on that hot August afternoon, lots of people about either messing about in boats or wandering around the craft fair that is set out on the opposite side of the basin. I can see men and women dining alfresco in some of the elegant bistros or in the garden of the pub in the distance, with children running about playing in the sun. It's a lovely scene, so much more appealing than the usual view. Docklands might be an 'in' place to live but it is a rather stark vista compared to our beautiful former home on the fringes of woodland with its large developed garden. This place isn't really meant for families. It's meant for successful high fliers with international jet set lives and demanding careers. Men like Terry. Who don't usually turn around one day to find themselves with babies.

Or so the theory goes.

My mind drifted back and I dreamed that I was at my laptop and about to write a diary. I used to write a lot of diaries, you know? Back then. When I lived in Wonderland and followed the Yellow Brick Road to Oz, that place through the Wardrobe via platform 9 ¾ on Kings Cross Station. Or wherever it used to be. It is only three months since we crossed and yet the past is already fading into a surreal dream; there are times when I lie awake and wonder - did we both make it up?

I miss so many things. Lots of people. Good friends I lost. Times that can never be had again. Recapturing that wild freedom when everything was possible. Not being there now when they have had their own traumas to deal with. Worrying that they will all be safe. Wishing I could have had a short time with them to try and explain and make amends.

What do I miss most? 

I miss Maximus most of all. How strange that we reached true understanding just as we parted! He doesn't remember me now. Not the real me. I was just someone he knew. Or did I exist for him at all? I'm unsure what is left of my essence for most of them. I'm glad he has forgotten and moved on to pastures new. I caused him enough pain as it was. But he was my friend and my lover. It will always hurt. To think he will never know Maia as she grows. What a wonderful uncle he would have made for her! I hope he becomes a father again himself one day. I don't know how he could manage it there - but I still have faith. It is what he wants in life. Apart from true love. No, that is not what he wants - that is what he needs.   I pray that will come in time.

So, this diary that I am writing in my head then. Will it ever see the light of day? I think so. One day when I have the time, I shall sit down and put it together, the story of what happened once we made our choice. I'll do it soon. This afternoon perhaps while Terry is playing golf, if Maia sleeps or stays good tempered playing in her bassinette. For now, I will sit here and think, plan out what I wish to say when I finally come to set down my record of this time we have had. I shall call it The Real Thing. For that is what it is. Real life. Warts and all. Rough with the smooth. Good and Bad. She said it wouldn't be easy. It isn't.

But there's nothing like the real thing, baby. Nothing.

THE REAL THING

Dear Diary,

Remember me? I'm Uma. You know? Used to go by the nickname of 'The Hurricane' when I wasn't called 'The Maneater' and going through gentlemen rather faster than a dose of salts. It's funny really when you come to think of it. That I should be the one who fell in love and gave it all up for one man and his baby. Designer lifestyle sacrificed for domesticity and ironing shirts on a hot Saturday afternoon. Or maybe it isn't funny really? Maybe that is the way of the world? You have your flings and then you grow up and move on. So here I am now. Moved on.

What happened? From the top? You want it all? It's a pretty crazy tale. I still laugh when I think of it. Alrighty. Settle down at the back. Are you all comfortable? Then I shall begin:

One moment we were there in Dino's home in the hills and the next we weren't. Just like that. Instantaneous. No 'beam me up, Scotty' wobbly bits of matter, no falling through the earth at the speed of light 'Time Tunnel' moments. No rabbit holes. Not even the heady nausea of the portals. Nothing. We were just somewhere else.

There was a moment when we froze, just a second, and then Maia let out a chuckle as though she has seen something that amused her. The strange thing was she had never laughed before. She was only just over a week old. It sort of stunned us into motion. Looking about I realised we were in a hotel suite - pretty flash digs, typical TOL business set up. The room was neat and tidy as befits Terry at work with his laptop open and online, his attaché case unlocked and his guns on show, a half drunk glass of beer on the desk. A cell phone was bleeping. The TV was playing softly, showing a sports channel. We could have been anywhere in the world.

Terry reacted first. "You OK? Maia?" He rushed up and held my arm, his other hand reaching out to touch her face. She was quiet, still calm and contented, looking up at both of us.

"Yes. I think so. What about you?" 

He shrugged. "Fine. No affects whatsoever. Whatever she did, she did good," he attempted a joke but neither of us laughed.

"Where are we?"

He looked about the room, his tongue peeking out between his lips in thought. Snatching up the cell phone, he muttered: "Nicaragua?"

"How do you know that?" I gasped. 

"Local service provider. NicaCel," he showed me the display. "I think this is the Hyatt. Stayed here before once..." he muttered, as he took in the scene from the window. It was night but he was still able to recognise his whereabouts. Is there any city he isn't familiar with? Not many, I'll warrant.

"What are we doing here?" I asked. "Why here?"

He pursed his lips and read the laptop screen. "Working. I'm in the middle of negotiations it would appear. German businessman. Missing for ten weeks. I've been here since....what's the date? Try Teletext..."

I punched the button on the remote. "Today. It is the same day and time."

"Makes sense. She just took real Terry from where he was and pushed us into his place."

"You are real Terry," I responded.

He gave a wry look. "I'm your real Terry. In this fractured reality, Christ knows what is real. Maybe we all are. Fucked if I know. So this is it. I'm still K and R like the old days. In the field and on the job. The poor bastard who was here a few minutes ago is now in paradise with his memory reprogrammed. Somehow. Fuck. Fuck!" He suddenly muttered.

"What's the matter?" I exclaimed as he rocked back and forth with his hands over his face.

"Matter? This place for starters. This fucking case for seconds. It's a bad one. I was just about to organise a rescue. Shit. Fuck!" He added, groaning and thumping his fist on the desk.

"Terry...?"

"She fucking meant it. The bitch..."

"Who?"

"Dea. She told us it would be more than we bargained for..."

"Well...it's a nice room..."I began trying to be helpful.

"Nice fucking room? I'm stuck in guerrilla heaven with a raid planned and my wife and baby with me? Sitting fucking target or what?"

"I'm not your wife. She's our baby not yours..."

"Oh yeah...let's have the semantics, love, very helpful at the moment. OK...with my live in partner and our baby. Oh and here's more good news. I've got a meeting with O'Leary any minute now..."

"DINO? IS HERE? But he said he was staying...." I shouted, absolutely delighted.

Terry shook his head. "Not our Dino! This Dino. Who hasn't got a fucking clue..."

 At that moment the buzzer sounded at the main door. Terry grimaced and went to open it.

"Evening, partner. You look happy - what happened - your girlfriend late?" As ever Dino made a spectacular entrance before stopping dead and taking in the scene before him. Terry was standing with his hands on his hips, lips pursed and glowering. I just smiled weakly.

"Er....hello..."

Dino smiled back. "Hello yourself. Dean O'Leary. I don't think I've had the pleasure. Are you Mr. Dietmar's wife by any chance?" I caught the darting glance that he gave Terry. It said: 'Not again, you dickhead!' Or words to that effect.

Terry stepped forward. "No. This is Uma. She's a friend of mine.  A very close friend actually. We go back. A long way. And this is her daughter....as a matter of fact...she's also my daughter, too, as it happens... I'm the baby's father...her name's Maia...she's a week old. Just been born. A new born baby." I have never seen Terry lost for words before and almost giggled as he rambled on in near Russ-style.

Mind you, I have never seen Dino lost for words either. The two men stared at each other, with Dino opening and closing his mouth like a goldfish in a bowl and looking first this way and then the other, one hand on his hip and the other palm outward as if he was about to speak.

Maia chose that moment to get restless; she started to wriggle about, cry and root for milk. "I have to feed her," I said. "Do you mind?"

"Mind?" Dino repeated - and then he realised what I meant. "No...you go ahead, honey...you want me to leave?"

I shook my head and went to sit down in a chair, undoing my shirt. Terry took me firmly by the arm. "Bedroom. Now. Mr. O'Leary and I need to talk. In private." He ushered me through to the bedroom and said "Stay here!" Like I was going anywhere?

While I settled down and eased my rather sore nipple into her eager little mouth (Dea, you could have cured my cracked nipples while you were at it!), Terry stormed out and the fun began.

"Did I just fucking hear you right? You've just become a father? This English woman, who you are real close with - but who I have never met before - turns up in Nicaragua and delivers a baby in a hotel room..."

"She didn't deliver in here. She gave birth on a plane..."

Dino glared at him. "She sets off from London nine months' pregnant, gives birth on a plane, manages to find you without a map and lays this kid at your door. This woman, whom you presumably haven't seen since you left her your little starter kit because I know for a fact you've been boning that model Jemima who walked out on you just before you flew out here accounting for the fact that you've been doing a passable impression of Oscar the Grouch since then..."

"Jemima?" Terry repeated inanely.

"Yeah, Jemima. The love of your life. This month's anyway. Who you seem to have suddenly forgotten. Another spoilt blonde who was after your bank balance..."

"Do you have to make me sound like such a fucking loser?" Terry snapped.

Dino guffawed. "No, pal. You manage that perfectly well by yourself. Jesus Christ, you're not falling for that line are you? That baby could be anybody's. How many guys you think that little honey's given it out to? So you had a one-night stand. So what? DNA test. The works. Make her sweat. I'll give it to her though- she's got balls - and she knows you.  Who else but the White Knight himself would be a better target? Girl flies across the world, dramatic birth on a plane to present the man she loves with his little girl. Man, you pick 'em every time. This one almost deserves it. What a class act!"

The whole enormity of what had happened suddenly sank in. Apparently Terry and I had never met and if we had it must have been a pretty quick business if no one knew of my existence. How the hell were we going to explain this one?

I had not taken into account Terry's astounding ability to both recover his cool and to think on his feet. Not to mention lie. Because he can lie up a storm when he wants to.

"Dino...this is actually very different from what you imagine. I met Uma a year ago when I was in..."

"This when you were in the Far East? I knew you met someone there. I just knew it! You just wouldn't say a fucking word about that...so...you had a Singapore fling, did ya? And little Mai Tai, or whatever her name is, is the end result? Careless, Terry...rubber up every time, you should know that. First rule of K and R. And make sure they swallow. You read about Boris Becker and that chick with the syringe?"

Terry cleared his throat. "I mean it, Dino.  Uma and I ...well, we got together and then I had to leave. She was heartbroken. I was heartbroken. But our lives were very different and we decided that we couldn't make it..." I was giggling in the bedroom. Go, Terry, go! He should be writing romantic novels. "Her father was dead set against us. And she hated to cross her father. So we parted. It was very traumatic. I left and never spoke of it to anyone."

Dino groaned. "Oh man, I am dying here...It's like Romeo and fucking Juliet. So what changed things?"

"This isn't funny, man! Uma discovered she was having a baby and tried to find me - but, I'm a hard man to track down. She didn't want to write or mail me - she wanted to tell me herself. Finally she got a lead and set off to find me. After a gruelling series of flights, she gave birth- prematurely- on a plane and then was rushed to hospital on landing. They discharged her today and she traced me here..."

"Give her a job. She's a fucking marvel. How the fuck did she get a lead on you? Even I had to call your cell..."

"You can laugh. Say what you like. But I've made my mind up. I'm settling down and you'll just have to accept that..."

"Terry...I am delighted for you. But may I remind you, we are in the middle of fucking Nic with an extraction planned for the day after tomorrow following which we are out of here by the skin of our teeth - and that is if we actually survive. So you are planning on dragging Peggy Sue here and the baby with you, I take it? Should I see if we have any camos in newborn size?"

"Ahhhh....well...I was just about to come to that. She's flying out to San Jose...tomorrow...and we'll meet her there after this little party's over..."

"You got it all worked out, haven't you, Tio? When were you going to tell me all about this?  Or was I just going to find out tomorrow? Or maybe you were going to keep your little secret..."

"Jesus, Red, I just fucking told you. That's why she's here. You think I would have asked you to meet me here if I was trying to shit you, mate?"

There was a silence. "So...you happy about this, Terry? I mean really happy? You're not just playing the noble victim again, are you?"

Terry laughed. Dino chuckled. "No, mate. She's the real thing. And that little girl of mine is...well, she just is. You know?"

"You are something else, Thorne. But if this is right then I'm real pleased. Gen is going to be over the moon. And she will kill you for keeping this one under your hat, man. She hates to be the last to know..."

"Gen?" Terry repeated. You could hear the stunned expression in his voice.

"Well...yeah. Gen. Genoma. My wife.  You know - that beautiful woman who you keep trying and failing to steal from me? You lost your wits as well as your virginity, pal?"

"I mean...yeah, Gen will have something to say about this. Ha ha." Terry laughed weakly.

Maia had dozed off on the breast and I eased her off my nipple. Fastening up my shirt, I realised we had another problem. Nappies. Diapers. This little girl needed changing...

Lying her down on the middle of the bed and covering her with a warmed towel from the rail in the bathroom, I went back into the lounge. "She's asleep. Terry...I have a problem. I'm out of diapers..."

Dino snorted. "Diapers. Oh, Thorne...you are going to rediscover life - and how! Surely a man such as yourself, ready for every eventuality, carries a spare packet when you travel?" I smirked at his ready tongue. Same old Dino. How wonderful that he had Gen with him in real life.

Terry picked up the room phone with a smarmy look and dialled housekeeping. "Disposable diapers? Newborn size? Room 1152 - yeah, the suite. Gracias, senora." He replaced the receiver. "Well, that was difficult, boys and girls..."

"Thought she was asleep?" Dino observed casually. 

I had heard it too. A baby crying. But it wasn't from behind me. There was a second room across the lounge. Why did we have a two bedroom suite? For Dino? But he appeared to be staying elsewhere.

Unless...surely not...could it be...?

Terry must have had the same thought because he walked over to the door at that moment. However before he could reach the handle, the door opened and Lachlan burst out. "Jesus Christ! Where the fuck are we?" he shouted, taking little notice of Dino's presence, presuming of course he had just changed him mind and come with us.

Terry buried his head in his hands. I gasped. Dino groaned. "There's more?"

Lachlan opened his mouth to speak but before he could Terry just pushed him forcefully back into the room and slammed the door. I could hear the frantic conversation, a woman's voice and the baby's cries in the background.

"There's another baby in there, isn't there?" Dino asked me. "You had twins?"

I shook my head. "No, of course not."

"Who's the guy?"

"Er...."

"He's related to Terry, isn't he? Got to be. Looks like Terry when I first met him. When he was young, skinny and moderately handsome," Dino razzed.

That's when it dawned on me. Lachlan. He looked...so...so bloody young. Like in his film. What had happened to the gaunt, grey spectre who had returned from the portal only days before?

"Um...he's Terry's brother. Younger brother. Lachlan." Then I remembered the different surnames. "Half brother," I added quickly.

"Half brother?" Dino queried. "Terry hasn't got a younger brother. He was the baby of his family."

"Ah...well...He didn't know about Lachlan. Until he....bumped into him one day...at an airport...in Singapore... and they noticed that they looked alike and got talking. Lachlan's a pilot..."

"So they are brothers.  Terry's father was a naughty boy...?"

"Apparently. Lachlan's Mum married a guy called Curry from Queensland and..."

I was on a roll. A dangerous roll. Terry walked back in the room like thunder at that point with a sullen Lachlan trailing behind. "Dino...my cousin, Lachlan. My mother's sister's son..."

I groaned inwardly. Dino looked at me with raised eyebrows and Terry twigged that I had been romancing. He shook his head and glared at me.

"Your cousin. The pilot from Queensland. No relation to your Pop then? Now who else you got hiding in there?"

Dino walked over and opened the door wider. Heather was standing there, wide-eyed at the sight of Dino. Well, she would, wouldn't she? It was like me finding Maximus here. Except a Maximus who didn't recognise me or know that we had bonked each other six ways from Sunday in a former existence. Not to be flippant about it. It was a pretty awful moment for her, considering how she felt about him.

"And who is this next Madonna and child? Don't tell me...your cousin's wife just happened to give birth on a plane, no doubt piloted by your good self - was it the same plane as little Mama Thorne over here? If so, it must have been a busy night for that lone doctor aboard..."

"No. Tristan wasn't born on a plane. He was born in a bed. The normal way," Terry answered quietly. "Dino - Lachlan." The two men shook hands curiously, eying each other up but saying nothing, merely exchanging a curt nod. Terry continued. "Dino - Heather, Lachlan's...partner...and their son...Tristan..."

Dino stepped forward and smiled softly at her, taking a peek at the little baby in her arms. There was a light in his eyes when he looked at her. You cannot deny it. Attraction is still attraction. No extra sense is needed when a man and a woman are naturally inclined. But that is all it would ever be. That awareness that this is the sort of woman or man you could fancy. If you were free. But you just smile back and enjoy a little flirt and realise that you are still attractive to the opposite sex even if you would never even dream of being unfaithful. That normal response hit me like a lead balloon. How wonderful and refreshing to take sex out of the equation and replace it with friendship. I realised then how far along another road we had travelled that real life seemed the strange one to me now.

Heather relaxed and gave him her best smile, although I noticed the sheen of tears in her eyes as she realised that he had never seen her before. "Hi, Dino. Pleased to meet you," she whispered back.

"Fine baby you got there. Must take after you in the looks department..." Dino teased and the atmosphere lightened. Then he turned round to address the rest of us.  "If you think for one moment I'm falling for this lame brained story of yours - which I may add your lovely girlfriend here tells substantially differently from you - you are all very much mistaken. But I'm not going to argue for now. We have work to do, Tio."

The diapers arrived and Heather and I both pounced on them. "I suggest you get these good people and little bambini off to the airport pretty darn fast in the morning and we can sit down then hammer out the plan of action. For now, I suggest you change those diapers and get some rest. Terry - catch you in the morning. Bright and early. Oh, I forgot. You've got a little home made alarm clock now, haven't you? Sleep well..."

He wished us all goodnight and left, still shaking his head. I felt sorry for him. It was a real mess and no one would believe that half-baked story we threw together on the spur of the moment. What a way to meet Dino and what an awful impression I must have made. We had only been here five minutes and already we were in deep shit...and that was before I began to contemplate exactly what this little show was that Terry and Dino were planning.

The door closed and we four turned to look at each other. It was a moment before we began to react and then it happened at once. I ran over to Heather and threw my arms around her. We laughed and cried, both trying to talk at once. I gushed over little Tristan who is so gorgeous and was lying there all snug and warm tucked up against his mother's breast. Lachlan flung his arm round me and kissed my forehead. He whispered: "Thank God, hey?"

I nodded and realised that Terry was there too. He put his arms round the two of us, Heather and me, and promised that we would get out of this safely. It was only then that the others began to realise that we were actually in some sort of danger.

After the group hug, we settled down and talked about where we went from here. Terry explained briefly about our situation and that he would pack us off to Costa Rica in the morning to await his arrival. He had some 'business' to attend to first, glancing at me with a warning. I was not to say too much or worry them.

"We can't," I suddenly realised. They all looked at me. "Passports. We can't travel without passports."

Terry groaned. It was a mark of his anxious state that he had overlooked that salient factor. For a moment none of us said anything and then he suddenly spoke. "Tink. That your handbag?"

I looked and sure enough, my bag was lying on the floor. I hadn't noticed it before; it had definitely not been in the room at Dino's when we had made our decision before DEA.

"See what's there." I picked it up and rooted inside. There was the usual mix of makeup and small change and notebook and pens, mobile phone wallet and---yes, my passport! How curious! I never keep it on me. Terry always moans at me if I carry it about in case I lose it or have my bag snatched.

"My passport!"

He looked through his attaché case and, sure enough, his was there (no surprise, really) plus a wallet full of foreign currency of every denomination and a stack of credit cards. With a shake of his head, he called over to Lachlan. "Check everything."

Heather scrabbled in the bag over her shoulder and gasped when she pulled out her own US passport. "How did that get in here? I didn't even have it with me at Dino's!"

Lachlan looked about him and patted down the pockets of his jacket. In his inside pocket, he retrieved a passport. "Bloody hell!"

Terry smirked. "She's one smart deity, I'll give her that. OK...what else we got? I'm no problem. We've fallen into my world here, so that means I have money, a career, apartment, life..."

I looked at my hands. "The watch. The watch you gave me. And the ring. They disappeared when I was exiled..." I ran into the bedroom and gently looked at Maia's neck inside her all-in-one suit. The bulla was still there. Then one more thing occurred to me. I returned to the room and checked the pocket of my handbag. In the little velvet bag was the cross and chain still bearing Jack's inscription and, unbelievably, the lapis lazuli and silver pendant that once I had received from Maximus. It had been in a jewellery box at my former home in London. How had it got here? 

Showing all these things to the others, Heather then revealed her discoveries. She was wearing her bracelet with all the charms intact and the ring that Lachlan had given her. With an astonished look on her face, she produced the glass float that Dino had given her from her voluminous bag. Even Lachlan was wearing what looked like a wedding ring; he used to wear it round his neck in the old days. I have touched it when we were...cut that thought for a start, Uma love, Dangerous ground. But Lachlan had nothing else. No wallet, no ID, no credit cards. He seemed to have arrived just as he was - unlike the rest of us.

The truth dawned on him. "I've no money. Apart from the passport - do I even exist in this world?" He wondered.

"You do now," relied Terry. "You've got a passport. Be grateful for that. As for ID, I can organise that, especially as you have got a passport - she must have 'arranged' some documents somewhere. Maybe you do exist. Some old geezer in Cloncurrie..."

"I'm dead, Terry. I died. Remember?" Lachlan spoke impassively in a monotone. "How the fuck am I going to look after my family? I won't even have a flying licence if I don't exist..."

Terry walked over and put his hand on Lachlan's shoulder. "Not now. One thing at a time, mate. First up you get the women and children out of here. We'll charge that one on expenses. Once we're home we start to worry about the rest...we're in this together. You understand, mate? I want you focussed. Get these women and children to safety and look after them..." He lowered his voice and muttered something into his ear. I couldn't catch it but I had a pretty shrewd idea about what he was saying. You know Terry. It would have been something like: "Do not worry these women. Keep it to yourself. You got that?"

I don't think Lachlan really needed to be told. He had already clammed up. 

"We need time alone and a good night's sleep. You want anything? Food? Drink?"

We shook our heads. The rooms had snacks and fruit, hot drinks and liquor. "I could do with some spare clothes for Maia." I mentioned. Heather agreed.

"No chance. Get to San Jose and then you can shop till you drop. A bit of their own dirt won't hurt them for twenty four hours," Terry reasoned. "You've got diapers and milk. That will have to do."

It was agreed and we began to make ready to disperse to our rooms. Just as we parted, Lachlan turned round. "This is what we wanted. No matter what. We're the lucky ones...lucky, lucky, lucky...squared..." We all smiled. I think we had forgotten in our panic just what this was really all about.

Terry threw his arm around my shoulders and we strolled off to bed. Inside the room, we checked on Maia; she was awake, lying in the darkness just looking about her. Strangely she had seemed calm since she arrived, more so than any time since her birth. Maybe she liked it here?

While Terry took a shower, I changed and fed her again. Her suit was damp where she had wet herself so I did not redress her in it. Instead, I wrapped her in one of the large warm towels and laid her in our bed; tonight she was going to have to sleep with us and we would keep her warm. When he emerged, clean, his hair damp, and towel round his waist, he lay down by her while I cleaned up and showered, using his toothbrush, no longer even remarking on the intimacy that it implied. I washed my smalls and hung them on the warm rack next to Maia's suit which was drying off. It would have to do. Terry was fine; the wardrobe was full of his suits and shirts.

Back in the room, I found him whispering softly to her as she dozed off. It was such a beautiful sight, the tiny little baby swaddled in a thick white towel and her father, half naked and so big and strong next to her, his arm cradling her tiny frame. Switching off the main light, leaving only the lamp by the bed, I crawled into bed at the other side of her and we lay on either side and watched her sleep, my left hand clasped in his right.

"Did we do the right thing?" He asked me in a husky whisper.

"Yes."

"You know what is going down with me and Dino?"

"Not really, but I know it's dangerous. Really dangerous."

"Still think it was worth it?"

"Yes. Nothing is worth anything if there is no cost, Terry. I know that now. You cannot have it all. If you do, nothing has any meaning. It's like judging art. If everything has equal merit then a shopping list has as much creative value as Shakespeare..."

Terry chuckled and stroked my face. "What the fuck are you going on about?" But he knew. He always does. "When can we...you know?" He asked, suddenly and unusually coy.

I shrugged. "Not yet. Not sure. Think you have to see a doctor and get passed fit or something. I have to get checked over. Can you believe I had a baby less than two weeks' ago?"

He rolled onto his back and lay looking at the ceiling. "I daren't think. If I do, I'll go fucking crazy. Come on. We need to get some sleep. She'll be awake before we know it..."

I stretched out on one side and looked at her and then I reached over her body to stroke his chest, my hand straying down to his groin. He reacted swiftly and caught it. "NO!"

"Just because I can't, doesn't mean that you can't..."

"NO!" He moved my hand back to my side. "Not here. Not with her in the bed with us." He turned away and settled down as if to sleep.

Slipping from the bed, I went round to his side and knelt by him, running my hands through his hair. "Hey you. This is me. Don't turn your back on me. There's nothing to say we can't play in the bed while she is here. She doesn't know and she just wants us near. But if you're not comfortable with that, then take my hand and we'll go somewhere else. Because Terry, it isn't just about her. It's about you and me too. Sometimes we need to remember that."

He tried for a vain protest, "Tink..." but he let me lead him. In the darkened room, I pulled him gently over to the large armchair and pushed him to sit in it. On my knees, I settled between his parted legs and he sank back, helpless to argue. "You don't have to do this...Jesus, you just had a baby..."

"I need to do this. If you think I'm flying off in the morning leaving you without a moment of intimacy between us, then think again. Do you know how many men I have done this for?"

He groaned softly. "That's rather my point. I'm not like those men. I don't want you to just service me...baby..."

I smiled and leaned on his chest, caressing him gently, kissing and licking at his nipples, hearing his slight hiss as he felt my touch. "No, but it's my point."

I traced the line of hair down until it merged with the thicker coarser hair below. Dropping my lips, I licked round his navel and then dropped lower and lower until I could rub my face in his hair and let his hardening cock feel the skin of my cheek. Then I raised my face to rest my chin on his upper thigh, while my fingers began to explore him. "I have done this to give ease to so many men, that I can't even remember. Tonight I want to do it for the man I can never forget. Doesn't that seem more fitting to you?"

He said nothing but I could feel his capitulation as his legs slumped wider and he seemed to loosen beneath my hand. With a gentle kiss, I began to love him, feeling the heat and desire almost bursting from him. He was anxious and ill at ease, I could tell that, unprepared for a job he was thrown into and worried about us. It was only a short while since he had thought he had lost me for ever and then had weathered the cataclysmic events of the past two weeks. I can imagine that he had, as usual, subverted his own needs to the desire to find me, help the others, be the tough guy. But no man is an island. Terry just needed some sweet love tonight.

As I tended to him and he writhed before me, his hands entangled in my hair, sighing quietly as I brought him closer and closer, I thought about touch. I know how to work a man until he cannot help himself. I could write a list of things to do. Step by step. But with the man you love that isn't how it works. It sort of happens - a fusion of what you know and what you feel. Like looking after your child. You might read the manual -  but most of it is instinct and love.

Touch. My right hand massages his lower belly, the tightening evident there already as I run my left hand to softly pinch that tendon behind his scrotum and manipulate it in my fingers. Different textures. Soft warm flesh, thick coarse hair, hard blood-engorged shaft, silken wrapped, fuzzy wrinkled sac, testicles drawing in, hard and urgent. So many touches. Orgasm of the flesh just to have the privilege of touching him. Setting everything to memory for the times that he will not be there.

Smell. My senses are full of his scents. The zingy shower gel he used. The lingering scent of a fresh, masculine aftershave, the musky undernote of his natural pheromones breaking through, released by testosterone reaching my female brain, the sweet smell of a light sweat sheening on his body as he fights for control. I inhale and close my eyes. This is the way the brain remembers, setting everything into a range of sensation that just a whiff of soap or cologne will send signals coursing through every nerve ending and almost recreate the sensation of the past.

Taste. I feel the imminent signs of his release, the way his groin flexes, his balls move, his entire body seems to stiffen and then loosen and then the judder, uncontrollable, as he ejects and sprays me in his semen. There is a perceptible readying as I prepare myself not to gag or startle, not wishing to hurt him or make him feel rejected in that oh so intimate moment when he puts his trust in me. Then the taste, so unique, like nothing else, warm, thick, salt-sweet, pungent. Do all men taste the same? Hardly. Taste is never an isolated sense. It is imbued with all the others. How could the man whose very self is imprinted on my psyche ever be like anyone else in anything?

Hearing. His soft exhalation as he came, the muttered, garbled profanity, the whispered words of love. I crawled to his lap and curled up, my head on his chest and heard the rapid beating of his heart, blood still pumping, excitement still firing his system and then the return little by little to slow and steady. He sighed quietly and murmured satisfaction. There in the quiet room, a little baby sleeping undisturbed, I heard his ease.

Sight. Lifting my head to look at him, I watch in the low lamplight as he lay back, with his eyes closed, still lost in the moment. His eyelashes swept down, thick and long, his cheeks were faintly shadowed with the stubble of late night, his lips were parted slightly. I could look upon this face forever and still find things to see in it.

"Terry?" I began as I lay my head back on his shoulder. "Tell me about this extraction?"

He grunted softly but he didn't evade my question; I think he needed to talk if only to help work it out himself. "I don't have all the details. Seems he had them mostly in his head - I must remember not to be so arrogant in future. But I 've got this from the file. Guy called Dietmar. Jurgen Dietmar. Been held for ten weeks already- I've been here for nine. He's with Deutsche Bank. However a bit of digging revealed that this is not an atypical kidnap. There's a hidden agenda. Dietmar was running a lucrative sideline - supplying arms - and he got too greedy. This is the guerrillistas showing him what they do to those who take them for a ride."

"So it isn't really a kidnap? He cheated them - but won't they kill him?" I asked.

Terry nodded thoughtfully, rubbing his chin. "No harm in calling up a valuable ransom on the way though is there? My feeling is if we get to the handover part we'll get Dietmar in a body bag in return for the cash. Negotiations are stalling though and the guys holding him are getting nervous and edgy. They've guessed we have called it."

"So the talks have broken down and you are going in before they execute him and cut their losses? Terry, he's not worth it! The guy's a crook and this is infighting. You don't have to put your lives down for a shit like that!"

He laughed softly. "You have to tell me that? Dietmar can go fuck himself for all we care. But there's another factor." Leaning over he picked up the newspaper lying on a side table and pointed to the headline.

"Hope fading for missing nuns," he read out, automatically translating the Spanish for me. "Two days ago, three missionary sisters working with children went missing in one of the rural villages. They were working with the poor families who form the recruiting grounds for these guerrilla groups. Someone objected to their attempts to keep the kids on the straight and narrow. It's common here for the priests and nuns to involve themselves in the social and political struggle. Liberation theology. A dangerous belief. They are threatened from both sides - often rejected by the mainstream church as too liberal and politicised but also considered traitors by the communist factions..."

"I don't understand. What has their situation to do with Dietmar?" I asked.

"Word is the same group took them. We can fund an extraction if we go for him - no one is prepared to do anything for the sisters. Simple as."

I sat up. "You are going in to save these women? That's the real thing behind this?"

Terry shrugged. "What's left of them. Every day we leave it, they are more at risk."

"At risk?"

"This is no more kidnap than Dietmar's was. Except he was worth hanging onto. Three nuns? They'll be sport, love. I don't need to tell you how they'll use them. Until they get bored with it."

The awful horror of what he was so casually referring to stunned me into silence. For moments we just sat there looking at each other. "You have to try and save those poor women. You have to!"

"I know. But I'm ill-prepared. Don't really know who I'd dealing with, can't recognise faces, don't know the terrain, haven't been in on the preparatory planning. Dino's just arrived with the team and is relying on me. This is not a good situation to be in, love. This is not how I normally work."

"But...you'll be all right, won't you?" My words rang hollow even as I said them. I'm not so much as a fool as how I sounded.

"Yes, sure. Let's get to bed. We both need to sleep and she'll be awake before we know it..."

He had changed the subject and that spoke volumes. Just then I heard her little cry and the rustling in the nest of blankets. Slipping from his knee, I went to tend to her and he followed me, lying down beside us as I fed her. He took my hand and held it. "I will come back. Nothing on earth will stop me. I didn't go through all this to lose it now. I promise."

I nodded not trusting myself to speak. I'm not sure I could take much more - and I am certain he couldn't. The last thing he needed now was my tears. Maia nuzzled for a while but, once changed and having suckled more for comfort than anything else, she drifted off to sleep again and so did we. Whatever nightmares plagued our brains, exhaustion claimed us both and our bodies would not let our minds have control.

The next morning was all go. Terry was up and showered and shaved early, on the phone to the airlines securing us tickets on a mid morning flight out. Breakfast was delivered and we all ate hungrily, subdued and groggy, not much conversation apart from the usual morning pleasantries. With babies to sort out and arrangements to make, we all simply busied ourselves with that and didn't dwell on the things to come.

One more odd occurrence took place while we were eating breakfast that returned our minds to the strange situation we were in - as if we had really forgotten! Lachlan asked Terry did he want some tea, Terry was playing with Maia and nodded his head casually . "This old Chinese cup do?" Lachlan grinned. On the breakfast tray was the antique Japanese porcelain tea cup that Dino had recently returned to Terry. I'm not sure Lachlan understood the significance but the rest of us did. We just stared while Terry picked it up, fondled the fragile object and shook his head in wonder.

When everything was ready, Terry took Lachlan aside and the two men talked quietly for some time; I saw Terry hand him some documents and what was probably money. I'm not sure I really wanted to know what they were saying.

Finally, he announced we had a car waiting. He wasn't coming to the airport and did not particularly want it to appear we were connected. Not a good sign. With a slight tilt of his head, he drew me back into the bedroom and closed the door.

"I don't want tears or long speeches, Tink. This is business and I'm better of if I'm alone and allowed to get on with it with the minimum of external pressures. But I have to say this. Lachlan will look after you both - you know he will. He has everything he needs. You will take care of our little girl - I know you will. I'll go and take care of me. Count on it. You need these..." He handed me a few papers and documents. "My bank accounts and a written letter of introduction. I have emailed the institutions...we have to be realistic. Otherwise you'd get nothing. Even this may not be legally sufficient..."

"Oh, Terry..."

He put a finger on my lips. "Enough. We both know. Don't make me say it now. If I do, I don't think I can hold it together..."

He turned and picked up Maia who was gloriously oblivious to the fact that her father was about to risk his life for people he had never even met. I held back the tears as he kissed her and held her close, whispering something into her ear before passing her back to me. "Right, let's get a move on. You've a plane to catch..." I kissed him then and as our lips touched and then deepened it was like a million words. He was right. The real things are almost trivialised by being spoken. They lie too deep in the heart to ever even be whispered on the breeze unless some vengeful spirit hears them and makes mischief at your expense.

As he strode briskly through the suite saying his farewells - a slap on the back for Lachlan, a chuck on the chin for little Tristan and a warm gentle embrace for Heather - I sent a prayer to Her. I don't believe she isn't watching. I don't believe she wants it to end like this after all her efforts. 'You bring him back to us!' I shouted in my head. She heard.

The next forty eight hours were gruelling for us - God knows what they were like for Terry, Dino and the rest of the team. We arrived safely and were whisked by taxi to the Radisson Europa down town where we holed up in another suite and sat to wait it out. I was jumpy and sick of the four walls by then, so I insisted that Lachlan let us out - we found a nearby shopping centre and bought a few clothes and some baby wear but he wouldn't let us linger. He was uneasy. I wondered if Terry had warned him that we might be targeted - who knew if Terry had been watched? It was not a pleasant thought and my tense boredom soon dissipated to a nervous guilt. I shouldn't be risking anything here. Terry had to know that we were safe and secure if he was too be free of anxiety and do his job well.

Back in the hotel room, we were grateful for the distraction of the little ones but still the hours dragged slowly by broken by ordering room service, taking naps, watching tedious in-house TV films, making small talk, jumping at every sound.  Lachlan was mostly slumped on the couch, as if half dozing, but I wasn't fooled. There was an alertness about his apparently lazy form that did not match. It was his way of trying to conserve energy and lull us into relaxing. I'm not sure how successful it was - but I loved him for trying.

When he returned, it was simply over in a flash. Lachlan and Heather were in their room. I was alone reading. Terry just walked into the room and threw down his jacket. Dino strolled in behind him. They looked tired but had that elation that comes from adrenalin and testosterone. I just flung myself into his arms and he whirled me round. His first words were: "Where is she?" I wondered just how many times the little digital image of his daughter that I had printed out for him before he left had been taken out and looked at over the last day or so.

"In the bedroom - they gave us cots..." he put me down and walked through at speed. I had no idea what had happened. I didn't care. He was back and safe. As I turned back, I saw Dino watching me, scrutinising me carefully.

"So...everything went well?' I asked.

He nodded but did not enlarge.

"You don't like me much, do you?' I said outright.

Dino dropped his chin and gazed at me through hooded eyes. "I have no feelings about you one way or another. I don't know you."

"We're on the same side. We both care about Terry..."

"Yeah...sure we do. Let's say I may need a little convincing, honey. You play a good part, I'll give you that, but..." and he stepped closer and took my arm, not ungently but still in a firm grasp, "...I know women. You're lovely and smart but you've been round the block and back again, haven't you, darlin'? I'm not sure that Terry Thorne deserves to be saddled with a horse everyone has ridden.  I'll be watching you. You fuck him up and I'll fuck you up. You got that, sweetheart?"

It bloody hurt to be spoken to like that by Dino of all people. But I could hardly blame him. He has reason to doubt me and the whole story we told. Why should he trust me? But I remembered the look he had given Heather and knew she would get a different treatment from him. But then - she wasn't threatening Terry's peace of mind. I was.

Next minute, Terry emerged with Maia in his arms. I noticed a bruise on his cheek and a smear of blood on his sleeve. But considering what must have gone down, he looked remarkably fit and well. Just tired. Bone tired.

Heather came out of her room followed by Lachlan; they looked rumpled as if they had been asleep. Or making love. I wondered in passing if they had and whether she had taken a chance. Should I ask her? Was that too personal a question now?

"Terry! Dino! Oh my God! You're safe!" She ran to him and he kissed her, smiled at Lach and exchanged a few brief words. They chatted with Dino. I stood a little apart, feeling somehow on the edge of it. A little dart of jealousy pricked. I wanted Terry alone and didn't want to share him with anyone. It hadn't been the same for them. I had been the one who would have been left alone. Dino was treating me like a little slapper who had hitched onto Terry's coat tails. Suddenly I realised something rather unpleasant.

This was the real thing. No happy, happy, happy, lovefest.

And, of course, there is nothing like the real thing.

My reverie was abruptly interrupted by Terry's strident shout. Maia jumped and woke from her dreamy suckling at the sudden intrusion.

"Tink? Where's my car key? Why the fuck do you move it from the table by the door?" He wandered in to the bedroom  peeling off his shirt and pants and looking about for a change of clothes.

"I didn't touch it but it'll be in your jacket. Over one of the chairs in the dining room. It's only one o'clock - are you leaving already?"

"Thought I'd have a pint before we go out. Hot day, "He replied absently as he went into the bathroom and took a quick shower. Maia was finished and I took her inside the room, unfastening her clothes to change her. Terry came back in and groaned. "Jesus, she stinks! Hey, Smelly bum! Couldn't you wait until I'd gone out? Not very ladylike, is it?"

I grinned, cleaned her up and waved the messy diaper in front of him. "Just how long is it since you actually did the honours, mate?"

Terry swung me into his arms. "Wash your hands and I might do them now. I could miss the drink. We don't tee off until two thirty...fancy breaking sweat with me first? See if you can get her down quick..."

Saturday afternoon with the family. 

The real thing.