HEATHER

It wasn't long after Lach stormed out that the phone rang.  I didn't want it to be him and yet I was strangely disappointed when it wasn't.  It was Uma.  Except for a brief (fuzzy and emotionally charged) evening together in the wake of their recent stalker incident, we hadn't had much contact with them.  I know it sounds bad, but the less we saw of Terry and Uma the easier it was for us to maintain the lie.  We knew our situation was pretty dire but we also knew it wouldn't last forever.  Lach had a position at TOL pending satisfactory completion of the various courses and licenses required for that line of work.  We just had to hold it together a little longer.  With that new job would come a whole slew of new problems... but at least we wouldn't have to scrimp any longer.   

Still, I was surprised to hear her voice crackling through the lines.  Uma has one of those voices that makes you feel her presence as if she is there standing right with you in person.  Usually I find myself smiling when we talk... but not that morning.  Fresh from a fight with Lach and grouchy from lack of food, I was in no mood to talk to anyone much less listen to their problems.  Not to mention I hated lying to her.  It wasn't the first time she'd called wanting to meet somewhere.  I usually cried off... some excuse or another.  You know how it is.  It was easy to just say I couldn't go.  Make up something about Tristan having an ear infection or the sniffles.  I was too ashamed to say I couldn't afford any of the posh places she suggested we meet... and then there was Tristan.  He would raise the roof in a place like that with his little howler monkey routine. 

I was all set to cry off again but something stopped me.  I am ashamed to say it wasn't my concern for the frisson of edginess I heard in Uma's voice.  It was that I was annoyed that Lach had stormed out and I felt a little burst of something ugly (though satisfying) at the idea of him coming back to an empty apartment.  He wasn't the only one who could storm out. 

So we decided to meet in Hyde Park, at a little restaurant near the paddling pool.  It was a long walk for me.  We couldn't afford the necessities, never mind taking the tube all the way there.... but the thought of the look on Lach's face when he came back to our empty apartment was more than enough incentive to make the walk worthwhile.  Pretty petty of me, I know... but there it is warts and all. 

Besides, I knew Tristan would love all that green grass and room to play.  Our tiny one bedroom apartment was much too small for a curious little boy who loved nothing more than toddling along as fast as his little chubby legs could carry him.  So in a spurt of defiance against pretty much everything... Lach, fate, our lot here... I neatened us up as best I could and we hit the road; me walking with purpose and Tristan sucking furiously on his binky as he observed the big wide world. 

Even taking our time, we still got there first.  Uma was late.  It probably wouldn't have irritated me so much if I hadn't already been unbalanced by my fight with Lach earlier that morning.  It didn't help that Tristan had nearly fallen in the water twice, happily ready to drown himself in his single-minded pursuit a couple of adorable baby ducklings.  What is it with kids and water?  He was dirty but happy, dribbling away as he made his usual smattering of strange noises and gleeful shrieks. 

It also didn't help that when Uma finally arrived pushing a stroller with all the bells and whistles that both she and Maia looked like they'd stepped straight out of a magazine.  It made the gulf between us seem so much wider.  I had a dirty drooling little son with a wet chin and chest, happily grubbing about in the grass and she had a perfect pristine little girl with a sweet little bow around her head.  It was pink and matched the smattering of gingham patches that decorated her cute denim jumper.  More unfair still, she was quiet, not even fighting to get out of the stroller. 

And then there was her mother.... I fought down a sharp spike of jealousy.  Uma didn't just look good; she looked like everything I wasn't.  Calm.  Cool.  Collected.  Affluent.  Poised.  Elegant.  She just has that flair, somehow making it all look so damned effortless.  Jeans.  A cashmere jumper of the palest pink.  Simple delicate jewelry.  Her hair was shiny and her cheeks were pink and she even smelled expensive when we hugged and greeted each other.  She was carrying a shopping bag in her manicured hand. 

I never felt more insecure in my life in my sweater coat and antique dress bought at a flea market; hair in a ponytail to keep Tristan's wet fingers out of it and no make up.  I didn't even have the charm bracelet Lachlan had given me anymore.  When he found I'd sold one of the charms off it he demanded I hand it over for safe keeping and refused to let me have it back.  The memory of that fight only stirred my unsettled emotions even more.  I pasted on a smile and we made a little small talk while our children played.

Well, sort of played.  It was so strange watching them.  To see how alike they were and also how very different they were as well.  Maia wasn't walking yet.  She stood twice but Tristan just knocked her over so she got scared and sat down instead.  Maia was a little talker though.  She babbled on to Uma and me.  It was amusing watching her interact with Tristan.  He understood words well enough, even if he hardly ever spoke any himself.  She said 'ball' and he just handed it straight over and shrieked happily after when she tossed it away.

We exchanged the usual sorts of information new mothers do while they are waiting for their kids to settle.  The trials of diapers and teething and amusing tales of the crazy things they'd done and near scrapes they'd been in.  I almost felt like crying when I watched how easily Uma tucked Maia back into the stroller when she'd tired herself out.  Meanwhile, I was prying a bug out of Tristan's fingers while he wriggled like a worm and drooled on my sweater.  All Maia did was reach out for Uma's necklace when she bent over to arrange the blanket to shade her face from the afternoon sun.  She caught the sparkly silver heart in her chubby hand and I could hear Uma laughing softly as she disengaged the tiny fingers.

The pendant sparkled in the sunlight.  "That is so pretty..."  I couldn't help but be a bit envious.  "Costume?"  She was the kind of dear friend you could ask a question like that.  I couldn't imagine letting a baby play with it if it was real diamonds and platinum.  It was almost more than I could wrap my mind around. 

Uma just shrugged.  "I doubt it..... it was a gift."

With the familiarity born of a long friendship through some pretty rough times, I reached out and fingered the delicate heart.  There was a Tiffany's stamp on the back.  My smile felt more pasted on than ever.  "I think this is perfect for you."  I hoped that didn't sound the way it felt inside when I thought it.   

Uma turned it over in her fingers as if she was really looking at it for the first time and smiled lightly.  "Yeah... Tiffany's.  He always buys there.  Likes their unusual simple settings."  I felt naked without my charm bracelet and pulled the sleeves of my sweater down a little hoping she wouldn't notice.  She didn't.  She was busy juggling her shopping bags while we pushed the strollers over to The Lido, a restaurant right on the water nearby.

We got a table outside.  I felt a moment of panic as I looked at the menu.  Uma ordered ciabatta with roasted vegetables marinated in olive oil and pesto.  I ordered tea.  I don't think she even noticed my discomfort.  She was too busy showing me her purchases while we waited for the food to come.  Now, I have to (grudgingly) give her credit where credit is due.  There was not a single thing in there for herself.  It was all for Maia... but how many outfits does a little girl need?  Green jumper.  Striped pastel bonnet and matching top.  Pink sleeper.  The tag on the yellow sundress she showed me last had my eyes bugging out.  But it was the white Dior stuffed animal with a tag of 38 pounds that really pushed it over the edge for me.  38 pounds!  She just tucked it next to Maia who hardly opened her eyes before settling back to sleep. 

I could have cried at the waste.  My stomach growled.  I squirted an obscene amount of honey into my tea and swallowed it down.  Along with my annoyance.  It was harder to do when Uma's food came, warm fresh bread smelling divine... but she only took a few bites before pushing it away murmuring about how she couldn't eat it.  That she felt sick.  I knew it was pretty awful of me, but I didn't ask why.  Frankly, I was too irritated to care and I was beginning to wish I'd just stayed home.  I was starved for contact with people and I could tell something was on her mind.... but I just couldn't work up the excitement to be anyone's confidant at the moment. 

She pushed her food around.  "So, how's Lachlan?"

Crap.  How to answer that question?  I was not in the mood to play 'I'll tell you mine if you tell me yours'.  I didn't want to talk about Lachlan.  "Lach is... Lach.  You know how he is."  I forced a smile.  My answer was non-committal at best.

"Lucky you get to live with a little ray of sunshine."  

Lach?  Mr. Sunshine?  Yeah, right.  Not these days.  I tried to deflect her off of the subject by asking about her and Terry.  I cared about how they were dealing with the aftermath of the stalking incident... and it also happened to be a convenient way to get her off the subject of Lachlan.  Annoyed as I was, I was hardly in the mood to share that confidence.

"So, how are you and Terry holding up?"

She looked away.  "Same as usual.  He gives the orders and I do as I'm told.  Symbiosis."  Like I believed that?  As if anyone could make Uma do anything she didn't want? 

"I know just what you mean."  I didn't really, but agreeing with her was better than saying what I was really thinking.

"I doubt it."

I swallowed down something unkind and tried again.  "So, how's the house hunting coming?  Find anything decent yet?"

"Terry thinks he has.  He's got his secretary onto it.  I get the shortlist."

"His secretary?  Don't you want in on that?"  I would if it was me.  But then, just about anywhere would be an improvement over where we were living.

"Of course I do."

I don't know how I kept my voice even.  "Anything on the shortlist do it for you?"  Princess.  I added mentally. 

"They're all nice.  I'd live anywhere to get out of that pigeon hole we're in now."  

I felt like saying... 'Oh yeah?  Trade you. Let's see how you like a real pigeon hole.'  "Pigeon hole?" 

"Heather, it's a two bedroom bachelor flat."  I thought about Lach and I having to share our bedroom with Tristan and felt my blood pressure climb.  "And can you imagine what Dino's bachelor pad looks like?"

I felt like someone had hit me in the chest.  They'd said they weren't staying in Terry's apartment anymore... and after the attack that had happened there, I don't blame them one bit.  But I didn't realize they were staying in Dino's old place.  Something constricted in my chest as a rush of memories came sweeping over me. 

I could tell he was enjoying the hell out of my confusion as he led me up the steps and unlocked the heavy door.  It was black with a shiny brass kick plate and was flanked on either side by beautiful stained glass windows.  He locked it after us and led me to one of those old freight elevators that had been refitted.  You know the kind, where they don't really have doors, they have this old grill you pull in place instead.  I shot him a nervous look.  I'd only ever seen them in the movies.  He simply grinned at me as he rolled it into place and depressed the button.

A little unsure, I moved closer to him and he put his arm around me, lending me his quiet strength even as he was savoring my curiosity.  "Where are we, Dean?"

The elevator stopped and softly bounced under our feet.  Dino opened the grill and let me have a good long look.  "My apartment."

My mouth hung open.  I knew he had apartments in San Francisco, New York and London but I'd never seen any of them.  The closest I'd come is being on the other end of the phone when he called me from one of them.  My eyes drank it all in.  The elevator opened into a huge open space.  Hardwood floors.  Almost no furniture to speak of.  There was a small neat stack of unpacked boxes in the center of the space.  They were dusty.

The pressure of his hand at the small of my back guided me into the space and I turned a full circle, wanting to see it all.  "You live here?"

Small little smirk on his lips.  "If you can call it that."  He turned his head away, looking at the space objectively, as I had.  "Usually I stay with Mac and the old man or at a hotel..."  He didn't elaborate on that part and I didn't ask.  This certainly wasn't the sort of place he could bring a woman back to....and then suddenly, I got what this was all about.

He was showing me another secret.  Another side of him he rarely reveals.  This place wasn't smooth or slick or suave.  It was actually kind of lonely.  Empty.  Sterile.  There were vestiges of him here... little touches that told me he'd spent time some time in this place.  A simply dressed bed was sectioned off in one corner by hanging shoji screens made from black wood and mother of pearl disks.  Simple but striking.  A stack of framed black and white photographs rested against one wall, ready to be hung.  A newspaper sat on a frosted glass tabletop in a nook off the kitchen.  The only other furniture in the room was a black leather recliner.  It made me smile.  It was situated in front of a very high-end flat screen television that was mounted on the wall.  Heh.  Men.

Blinking, I shook the images away.

"It's not exactly a great place for a family, you know."

"I remember."  Funny how two little words can have such a profound effect.  Uma looked up sharply.  I looked away.  "And how is Dino these days?"  I'd only seen him once since we'd arrived in this place and we'd hardly spoken two words to each other. 

"He's... okay.  Not quite as annoying as he was at first."  I got the impression she didn't really think of him as the "other" Dino anymore, despite the fact that neither of us had history with him and he was married to Gen with a family of his own.  They had a beautiful red-headed son named Andy.  "But he still gives me this look from time to time."

"A look?"  I couldn't help but fish a little.  

"He doesn't like me much, Heather.  He isn't the same person."  Her voice had gone a little sharp.  I felt like I was getting a bit of a lecture.  Fine.  Point taken.  "Well, he is but he isn't... he doesn't know me from Adam.  Or Eve for that matter."

I think she thought I was going to start gushing about Dino if she wasn't careful.  I got the feeling her words were chosen carefully to get a specific point across.  I would have rather she just said that she didn't want to talk about him or to listen to me talk about him either.  In my current pique that would have gone over better than her clever mind's subtle manipulation.  I just nodded.  I got the impression she was here to get something off her chest, not listen to me ramble about someone she was a bit annoyed with at the moment anyway.  Fine with me.  Listening was easier than talking.

"And he thinks I'm a bit of a freeloader to put it mildly."

Gee, really?  I wonder why?  Unfair of me.  But it didn't keep me from thinking it.  "Why on Earth would he think that?"  It came out more sharply than I'd intended and I felt a rush of guilt for thinking something so unkind about someone I cared about.  Even if she was unwittingly pushing all my buttons that afternoon.  Her startled look was tinged with a bit of hurt and I felt myself softening a little.  "Is something going on with you and Terry?"  I reached out and jiggled Maia's hand.  "He seeing another girl behind your back?" I teased, aware it wasn't really going to make up for my sharp comment, but it was all I could muster at the moment.

"Well, she can have him."

I smiled.  She did already, of that I was certain.  "So why the long face?"  I sighed mentally but asked all the same.  I'm not that much of a bitch. 

"Things, you know?  I'm just a bit down."

"How come?"

"Well... he drives me mad..."  She was twisting her napkin.  I wondered if it was because she was nervous or because she was thinking of wringing his neck.

I smiled.  "He's always done that.  Part of his charm.  Keeps it from getting boring, hey?"  I bit my tongue.  Nearly gave away too much there.  It was my life stuck in rut, not hers. 

"Well, it depends.... He's not Captain Fantastic all the time, you know?"

She seemed irritated by my expression of disbelief.  Was she kidding?  Captain Fantastic?  He sure sounded like it to me.  Still, I bit the bullet and asked.  I was curious what he'd done that had put her in such a mood.  Somehow, I didn't imagine it was as bad as she was making it out to be.  "So what's Captain Fantastic done that was so bad?"

Her eyes rolled and her foot was jiggling with nervous energy.  "You should have heard him this morning.  I mean his sock drawer wasn't properly sorted.  He has a system for everything and-"

I didn't wait for her to finish.  "You sure he wasn't upset about something else?"  Classic Terry to keep in the big things and blow over something trivial instead.

"Well of course he is."  Her answer was sharp.  I guess she didn't like the reminder that I'd once been intimate enough with him to know a few of his vulnerabilities.  Well, that was just too bad for her.  "I know he's worried about something.  That's why he has to have everything just so."  She looked at me almost like she was daring me to contradict her.  I didn't.  I'm no fool.  Nobody knows Terry like her.  Nobody ever has.  I rather think that was the point.  And he knew her in the same way.

I sighed.  "So, if you've got that worked out... then what happened that made you so down?  Lover's spat?"  I thought of Lachlan and our non-sex life.  I wouldn't mind a lover's spat with him.  At least that implied sex.  All we did was fight these days.

"Not really.  I mean we fight.  You know us."  She smiled enigmatically.  "Wouldn't be a normal day without some make up sex."

"Must be nice...."  Shit.  I didn't mean for that to slip out.  Her eyes darted up to mine.  "The sex, I mean...."  I started backtracking.  Thankfully she was distracted enough not to pick up on it.  Or maybe just too wrapped up in her own problems to want to dig into mine?  Who could really tell?

"Well it was a good idea at the time... or so it seemed."

There was this strange uncomfortable moment of silence as she realized who she was talking to.  There was a time I'd known just how good it was.  With him. 

She coughed lightly.  I drank more tea.  "At the time?"  I forced a laugh.  "It always seems like a good idea at the time."  My ire faded as I looked down at Tristan. 

"Yeah... exactly.  Then nine months later...."  Her voice trailed off.  I wasn't totally engaged in the conversation and I missed what she was trying to say.  I was too blinkered to see she was worried she might be pregnant.  I just continued on blindly.

"So what's the problem then?  Captain Fantastic and you are having great sex.  What's wrong with that?"  I sure wished I was having great sex with Lach.  Hell, at that point I wished we could just have some time to talk and a conversation that didn't end in bickering.  Never mind shagging each other six ways from Sunday.

She was twisting her napkin again.  "Well, I've not got this contraceptive thing sorted yet..."

I still didn't twig.  "What?  How hard is it?"  At least she could afford condoms.  And no doubt she had some posh doctor in the city.  I had to make due at the local Well Woman Clinic where I was surrounded by teenagers and regularly felt up by Methuselah or worse... some ham fisted kid who wasn't even out of med school yet.  There is nothing like discussing the state of your vagina with someone who doesn't even look old enough to have had sex yet. 

Uma was rattling on at lightning speed.  "I've been meaning to... but I just wouldn't do anything when I was feeding her... I mean... I wanted it to be all natural.  I didn't even drink!"  I thought she might pass out before she stopped talking.  And then it suddenly dawned on me what she was saying.  Oh my God.  Pregnant?

"So you really think you might be.....?"

"Well, I'm not sure-"

"What does Terry think?"  Before, I didn't want to talk.  Now I couldn't seem to shut up.  But it was better that than explore the explosion of feelings that had swelled in my chest at her news.  I think a woman always feels some sort fleeting disappointment when she hears someone else might be pregnant and she isn't.  Even though another baby would sink us right now.... it wasn't like we hadn't discussed having more children.  Of course, people actually have to have sex to make babies so that puts us straight out of the running, I thought sourly.  "Have you told him yet?"  Terry would be thrilled.

She shook her head.  "I'm not certain yet...."

"Go get a test."  I couldn't help myself.  People who work themselves into a tizzy over something they're not even sure of make me mental. 

"I'm scared."

"Wouldn't you rather know?"  

"No."

Her answer rubbed me the wrong way.  Why does she always have to make everything a drama?  What's the point of getting herself all worked up over the uncertainty of it all when she can go out, get a test and have the answer in three minutes?  Well, unless she got something out of all the drama?  That was an unpleasant thought.  I shoved it aside. 

I wasn't as gentle as I probably should have been considering what she'd just been through lately.  "Uma, you can't keep your head in the sand!" 

"Well I'd rather do that..."  She fingered the heart dangling from around her neck.  The diamonds twinkled in the sun.  "...or jump off a bridge...."

"Jump off a bridge?  Would it really be that bad?"  What a hardship... sheesh.... a man who loves her, a new home on the horizon.... financial stability....  Rough life. 

"Bad?  It would be a bloody disaster!"  What the hell was her problem?  I felt like throttling her.  Try getting pregnant in my shoes, sister.  Then tell me about disaster.  "I swear if I was pregnant again now I would die!"

Someone get me a fucking violin.  What's the matter?  Another baby might cut into your shopping time?  No time to get your nails done?  I counted to ten.  At least her baby wouldn't be in danger of starving.  Or of being lost in a miscarriage.  The little jerkoff at the clinic where I go told me that I'd probably lose any baby we conceived now because we couldn't afford to stop breastfeeding Tristan and my body didn't have enough reserves to continue feeding him while it grew another baby.  Is it any wonder I'm confused about wanting sex?     

"That's a bit dramatic don't you think?" I tried to interrupt but she was on a roll.

She shook her head.  "We had it all planned out!  It was only supposed to be one baby.  I never intended to be some woman who lived in a shoe, popping them out every year."

Her words cut me deeply.  What was wrong with more than one baby?  Lachlan wanted a houseful.  I wouldn't mind more... it was just we couldn't right now.  I sighed.  "You only got one baby... and you've had a year with her... and it's not like the next one arrives immediately or anything.  You'd have nine months to get used to the idea... if you're even pregnant at all."  Which was exactly why I hated this sort of thing.  High drama about something she wasn't even sure of to begin with. 

"I don't want to get used to it!  I'm happy the way things are.  Maia is perfect... I don't want to share her.  She would be jealous!  I wouldn't have the time for her that I do now..."  I was just a bit incredulous.  Struck dumb, really.  "And I'm scared of what Terry will say...."

I had little patience with her dithering.  "Well, maybe you should figure out if you are or not before you talk to him."  Nearly at the end of my patience, I gave her a pointed look.  "There's no use getting upset over it if you're not pregnant."

She was shaking her head.  "Well, I can't even tell..... I mean... I haven't really had a period yet... have you?"

I shook my head.  "No.... but I'm still nursing so-"

"Well, I stopped."  Did I detect a note of disapproval there?  Hard to tell, as emotionally charged as we both were.  "I sure wish I hadn't now though.... but Terry said it had been long enough... that I should wean myself off her.  He says I am obsessed with her."

"So you did it for him?  What about what's best for Maia?"  I didn't like her tone.  

She gave me a sharp look.  "Well, everyone says ten months is long enough and it seemed a bit.... icky, you know?  She's so big now."

My temper flared.  "Icky?  Thanks a lot."  My voice was flat.  I had had enough of little miss drama.

"I didn't mean that... everyone's different."

"Oh, right."  I tossed down my napkin.  "You just mean it's icky for YOU with your little Dior dog and your Oilily bag... but fine for me, right?  Well maybe I'll just go back to my shoe and pop a few more kids out while you read over your shortlist of houses and have your nails done."  My face felt hot and my pulse was racing. 

"What?  What are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about you being selfish and thoughtless, that's what."

"I am spilling my heart out and that's all you can say?"  She looked hurt.

"Spilling your heart?  Complaining cos you can't decide on what house to spring for and because you and Captain Fantastic have amazing sex and because you might have created another baby together?  Gee, what a hardship."  What I wouldn't give to have her problems!

But the thing that sucks about fighting with a friend is how awful you feel when you hurt them.  She fell silent.  Her eyes were shining wetly and she bent to attend Maia who'd started crying when I raised my voice. 

She rocked Maia against her breast.  "Look, Heather, I was just in need of a friend.  I know I made it sound like I was just being selfish... but I really don't think I can cope.  It's been a rough time and he is going to be away so much...."

I felt even worse then, yelling at her after what she and Terry had just been through.  I deflated.  "You're right.  I'm sorry... I don't know why I said that..."

There was another awkward silence.  Part of me wanted to tell Uma the real reasons behind my outburst, but even if I could swallow down my shame and get it out, she didn't need my burden on top of what she was already dealing with.  I was such a shitty friend. 

"I'll do a test and tell him.  It's not your problem.  It's mine."  She looked at me then.  I got the impression that she was sort of seeing me for the first time.  It made me uncomfortable.  I shopped very carefully these days, going for that sort of hobo chic look that was in right now but my appearance was just on the line of being eclectic and wouldn't hold up under any sort of scrutiny.  She looked harder.  "Are you sure you're alright?  You seem a bit... odd."

"Me?  I'm fine."  I waved off her concern.

"You sure?  You've lost weight.  You dieting?"  She ran a hand down her own svelte figure.  I wondered if she thought she was too fat.  "Maybe you should stop feeding him?"  Tristan shifted in his sleep as she touched his chubby little foot affectionately.  "He's so big, he doesn't need it anymore."

She was right except we didn't have much else to feed him at the moment.  So, I did something I'm not proud of.  I lied.  "Dieting?  No... nothing like that."  I pasted on another false smile.  "Besides... think of what this figure will do in the new spring line," I teased, hoping she would just let it go at that.

"Heroin chic?"  I winced.  "Sorry, I didn't mean...."  

It hurt my feelings but I just nodded.  It's not like I hadn't hurt hers earlier, now was it?  I laughed.  It sounded almost believable.  "Right... well, I had that one coming...."

She gave me a smile that didn't quite touch her eyes.  I wondered just how much of my little act she was buying.  "How often does he feed?  He's been nibbling away every few minutes... that must take it out of you."

I grinned.  "Yeah... I think he's part monkey from the way he clings.  Got to be from Lach's side of the family."

This time her smile touched her eyes.  "Maia wasn't like that.  She just drank and that was it.  Must be cos he's a boy.  Oral fixation."

I giggled.  "Must be."

"Actually, Maia does that to Terry."  I raised my eyebrows.  "I mean clings to him!  Not feeds of course.... though he would if he could.  He would do everything for her if he could.  She knows it too.  She just won't leave him alone.  Loves to cuddle."

It made me sad for Lachlan whose little boy hardly wanted anything to do with him these days.  I could see Terry just like that though, curled up with his little daughter on his chest.  How many times had he spoken to me of it while Uma was pregnant?  Of his hopes and dreams... and concerns.  What a strange life we'd all lived then.

I just shrugged.  "It sounds normal enough to me.  I wouldn't worry about Terry's reaction to your news either.... if you are......  You know how he is with Maia.  How could you think if he's like that with her that he wouldn't love to hear he might be a father again...?"  She did not look convinced.  I smiled.  "He gushed about it so much...."

Shit.  Wrong thing to say.  Her back went up.  "Oh he did, did he?  When was this?  When does he talk to you about me?"

"You know.... before..."  I let that hang there.

"Yeah, right.  Before."  She stiffened in her chair and folded her napkin into a precise little square.  "Well before was before.  It's different now.  He has to earn a living."

Different?  "It sure is."  Understatement.  I don't know what was wrong with me but I couldn't let her have the last word.  Maybe I was just spoiling for a fight.  Maybe I just didn't want to go home to Lachlan and have another one.  "He earned a living back then too."

"Yeah, but now things are tighter.  He doesn't have much money now."

I wanted to laugh in her face.  Not much money?  He had homes on a shortlist for God's sake.  "Well, I think we've all felt the cinch of the belt.... It's only natural."  I didn't want to say more.  She's much too clever.             

"No more pot of gold, hey?"

I snorted.  I was about to add that I wasn't sure there had ever been one when her grasshopper mind made another of its lateral jumps.

"You think Lachlan would like more babies?"  Her face looked dreamy and wistful.  "I bet he wouldn't give a damn if there were kids all over the place.... messing up his sock drawer...."  She was smiling now.

"Lach?  Oh sure."  No need for me to mention to a potentially pregnant woman the fact I'd probably miscarry if it happened anytime soon.  So I just lied again.  Why not?  I was on a roll.  "Of course we'd love another...."  Just not now.  "But we wanted to wait until Tris is at least two."  Or until we could be sure he wouldn't starve after I'd weaned him.

"Yeah.  I don't blame you.  He's quite a handful isn't he?"

Even tired as I was that made me laugh.  "He's a Curry.  What can I say?  It's in his genes to drive me mental."

"True.  Flying without wings, hey?"

"Something like that."

"He is beautiful though..... I'd like a son.  I mean if I am pregnant."

I just shrugged.  "Do the test."  What more was there to say?

"I will.  And I promise I will talk to him tonight."

"Before or after the Captain Fantastic sex?"  

"Maybe during?  He might be more amenable then... and still awake.  I just hope he comes home in a better mood than he went out with this morning!"

"Right... better not wait too late or he'll go to sleep on you.  Besides... there is nothing like cuddling with a warm sex soaked man."  I thought of Lachlan and this morning.  How I wish that had ended differently.  "A blanket on the couch... all cozy...."

Her voice had gone sharp again.  "Sounds like you've been working on this one."  

"I have."

The expression on her face was pinched and sour.  "Well, no doubt in your head he says all the right things.  It's just me he barks at."

"Barking? Lach?"  What the hell was she talking about?

"Lachlan?"  She blinked a few times in confusion. 

"Yes... you know...  that tall, lean, poetry-spouting pilot....?  Who'd you think I meant?"  It suddenly dawned on me that she thought I'd been fantasizing about Terry.

"I thought.... never mind.  Just over sensitive."  

More awkwardness.  I think we were sort of both unsure.  It seems we'd sort of gotten the wrong end of the stick with each other since the word go today.  It was little wonder with both of us so wrapped up in the tunnel vision of our own problems.  Still, the knowledge of that didn't do much to alleviate the new awkwardness that had arisen.  We were just batting 1000, hey?

I was never so glad to have Tristan to fuss over as I was just then.  Something to keep my attention diverted so I wouldn't have to look her in the eye.  She seemed to have the same idea, fussing with Maia's blanket and adjusting her little bow. 

She jumped up.  "Look... I have to go.  I've got to think about dinner.  After this morning the least I can do is soften him up with a steak or something."

Must be nice.  This time it wasn't an unpleasant thought.  Just a wistful one.  "Yeah... me too...."           

"Why?  You and Lachlan have a fight as well?"  She misunderstood and I let her.  

I'd simply meant thinking about dinner.  Bologna and mustard sandwiches again.  Joy.  "A fight?  No... things are fine.... I just meant I need to think about dinner too." 

She smiled.  "You must come round sometime soon.  Maia loves to see Tristan.  She even calls him Stan.  That's Terry's fault, of course....  Him and his nicknames..."

I remembered that, too.  

She was packing up to leave.  I know it's awful but I was really hoping that she would leave first so I could eat the food she'd ordered and left practically untouched.  Unfortunately, her cell rang and she sat back down to answer it after hugging me goodbye. 

It didn't do much for my mood.  Nor had our conversation.  A baby?  Her worst problem is another baby?  When she's got Terry dancing in attendance on her and giving her everything she wants?  Plus mind-blowing sex?  And I couldn't believe she actually thought I was fantasizing about Terry.  I hadn't thought about him like that in forever.  But it planted the thought in my mind... 

UMA

I held it together until Heather had disappeared from sight and then I felt myself collapse into a heap. That had been an absolute disaster. I had thought of all people she might have been sympathetic to my situation but she had just been so unfeeling about it. What was the matter with her? Of all people, she is usually the one who is so sensitive and caring, so in tune with people's feeling. Then it dawned on me. She was in tune all right.

With Terry's. Not mine.

That's what this was all about. She always acts like she knows him better than I do or gives me that look like he is some long suffering saint and I am a silly selfish spoiled princess who never gives him what he needs. A sudden dart of anger ripped into me. It was still the same as before. Uma, the despoiler of good men. Just because I never let them see the truth. That I am truly struggling here over this and I have a real fear that Terry will not be pleased. It's easy to be Sir Galahad when you drift in and sort out other people's problems - but he is no different from any other man when faced with his own.

And is it so wrong for both of us to want some precious time to ourselves in a world where he is constantly being whisked away from me for possibly long periods and under tremendous pressure all the time? Maia is his joy. No child was ever loved as he loves her - and I know he would be the same with another baby. But, she is enough for both of us. Is that being selfish or just realistic?

One thing was for sure. I felt bad when I called Heather for a chat.

I felt a bloody sight worse now.

Back home, I bathed and fed Maia who was tired after an afternoon in the sun and so much activity. Tristan is just a little powerhouse. I love him so much as he paddles around on his sturdy little legs, tough as boots and such a little bundle of fun. Maia tries to follow him but she is still hesitant to make that final step, preferring to drop to her knees and crawl. I think his physicality intimidates her a bit. She watches him a lot and then looks at me, a little unsure. We thought she would have been walking by now; she started edging round the furniture ages ago. But she obviously has inherited my lack of confidence in adventure. You would imagine Terry's daughter would have been off in no time.

She seemed content to play awhile before bedtime, so I put her into her playpen with her new toy and a few others; for once she settled down quietly. I watched her for a while but the cloud of depression fell over me again. I should have bought that testing kit on the way home. I would have to wait another night now to be sure.

I thought about this morning and the argument we had had. He hadn't called all day. He always calls. Especially when we have a quarrel. I think he was really mad with me. Heather was really angry with me too. Perhaps I am just vain and selfish. I staggered to the bathroom and sat down on the floor so Maia couldn't see me cry. Everything was just a mess.

TERRY

Whenever I feel low these days, I go to her. I'm like a homing pigeon driven back to the one place where I can curl up and suck my thumb and feel safe again. After I left Henry and Imogen the Wise, I tried to go back to work but my mind wasn't on it. My grim mood was further compounded by knowing what a foul tempered bastard I'd been that morning. Something's up with Tink these days, I know it is, and I've just been ignoring the signs. It's probably hormones - but what the hell? If she feels bad, she feels bad and it's my job to see her through it.

So I called it a day and went home, some vague fantasy of Maia being a good girl and going to bed at six or something so I could spend the evening making her Mummy be a very bad girl stirring my loins. It was the first time all day that I'd pulled myself out of the basement I'd woken up in.

The place was quiet when I opened the door, unusual for late afternoon. That's when it's normally pretty mad with Maia wired and ready for that last crazy hour or two before bedtime and Uma flagging after a day of her, the house and preparing a meal for us.  But the place was in silence. I walked through to the lounge and Maia was in her playpen talking to some soft toy. She called it 'Cunny', I think she meant bunny. I hope she did anyway. As I passed she stood up against the rails and showed me this new toy. "Dada! Cunny!" We'll have to work on a name change there, I reckon.

I sank down and played with her through the rails, grabbing the little white bunny and making him talk, walk and hide. The usual stuff. She was chortling away, shouting "Mo!" More. Women seem to ask me that a lot. I smiled. I could feel my mood lightening just sitting there playing with her.

That's when it occurred to me to wonder where her mother was. For one awful moment I thought she might have left Maia alone. But that was crazy. Uma is so fixated on her child she would never do that. But where was she?

Leaving Maia preoccupied, I took a look in the kitchen and then went through to the bedroom. Maybe she had fallen asleep? Some nights she has very broken sleep and I have observed her on occasion to simply crash out if she got half an hour of peace and quiet from Maia.

That's when I heard the sniveling. She was in the bathroom crying.

"Hey, what's up? You okay? Tink...Tink...what is it?"

I slipped down to the floor as she frantically dried her face with the back of her hand and blew her nose. "When did you get back? You said you'd be late. I haven't even started dinner..."

I held a hand up. "Hey, no worries. I'm not hungry. What's the matter? Why are you crying?" I rested my palm on her knee; she was sitting with her legs drawn up to her face, all huddled up.

"Nothing," she sniffed and started to get up. I pulled her back down to me. 

"Something's up. Come on. You've been upset for days. It's time to tell me what it is. I mean it, Tink. I've had one of those days and frankly I don't want to play hide and seek with you. Just tell me whatever the fuck it is and we'll deal with it."

That did not come out quite how I had expected it to. Uma winced and I could see her tongue gearing up for a backlash. "You've had a bad day? Well, so have I. In fact you bloody well started it off. It's actually all your fault anyway but, don't let me add to your woes..."

"What? Is this about this morning? Jesus, I got out of bed the wrong way. I'm sorry! It happens. Don't make a song and dance out of it!"

She looked up sharply. "This morning? You think that's what's wrong with me? Bloody hell, if I started crying every time you got up and barked at me I would be at it night and day! I said you caused it. I was not referring to this morning when I said it. Although that was yet another pleasant nail in the coffin..."

I cleared my throat. "What the fuck are you talking about? I've done something? Please tell me what it is so I can go outside and beat myself up for it. What have I done?"

She seemed to shrink a little into herself at that point. For a moment she said nothing and then in this small voice, she whispered. "I think I'm pregnant again."

"WHAT?" It took me by surprise. I simply could not keep the obvious note of disapproval out of my tone. "PREGNANT? Great....that's all I bloody well need today..."

"I knew it! I knew you would react like this! Like it was my fault. When if you could only act responsibly instead of like some priapic teenager..."

"React like what? What have I said? Give me a minute to digest the good tidings, please. And what do you mean by act responsibly? And priapic teenager? Something wrong with me having sex with you?"

'There is if you keep forgetting your condoms..."

"Ever heard of the pill?"

"So it's my job to look after that, is it? You can just stick it in whenever you like then?"

"Pardon? Correct me if I am wrong but the only time I have been...irresponsible as you call it...of late is the night you got my dick out in the fast lane of the motorway, goaded me into a country lane off the slip road and climbed all over me...you weren't too worried then about being responsible yourself as I recall!"

"So what you implying? I acted like a tart?"

"You know many women who sit in a car with their dress pulled up to their waist and give a guy a blatant invitation?"

She screamed at me then. "You are such a bastard! I cannot believe you just said that. I simply cannot believe it. We are supposed to be a couple. That means we can have sex games without you making out I seduced you with my wicked ways. It means that we take shared responsibility..."

"You just blamed me. So much for shared responsibility," I pointed out.

"No, you just blamed me," she blurted back.

I stood up and walked over to the door and then spun round. "So what we gonna do about this....pregnancy?"

"DO?" She shouted. "What's that supposed to mean. DO? What are you implying, Terry?"

I grimaced and ran my hand through my hair. "I wasn't implying anything. I was just saying..."

"...You were just implying that maybe we didn't want it. That's what you were thinking, isn't it? You want me to have an abortion, don't you?"

I held my hands out. "I never said that! You think I would say that? What the fuck kind of man you think I am? I never said that - or was it at the back of your mind, honey? Do not try and lay it on me..."

"What! How could you even think that is what I meant? I have been worrying this over for days, suspecting you would be unreasonable. But Heather said..."

"...Heather? You talked to Heather before me about this? I am the father of this baby and you go and tell your girlfriend first? I just don't believe you sometimes..."

"...Actually she's your girlfriend, I believe. She certainly didn't have much sympathy for me. I hope she's gentler on Lachlan, the poor bastard..."

"He know as well? You took a page out in The Times already? Jesus Christ! Don't blame Heather if she gave it to you straight. Maybe that's what you need instead of me indulging you and your crazy nonsense..."

"Get out! I have heard enough from you for one day. Just get out of my sight."

I had already decided that I had had enough of this particular slanging match. Striding out the room, I crossed through the apartment and, to my shame, ignored Maia's plaintive cries of "Dada!" as I made for the front door. I slammed it with a bang and heard Maia begin to wail. We had frightened her.

HEATHER

I was still mad enough about Lachlan storming out and upset enough in general to indulge in a little escapism that afternoon.  I decided to stay in the park a while.  Let Lach enjoy coming back to an empty apartment.  See how he liked it.  Tristan was awake from his nap and he squeaked with joy as he played under the shade of the trees, picking up sticks and bugs and trying to eat leaves and rocks.  Mostly I just watched him play and worked up a pretty good amount of indignant temper about it all. 

Tiffany necklaces and new homes and heaps of sex.  Just what Madame expects, hey?    

My mind wandered to my own intimate memories of Terry as the golden afternoon slipped into a cooler evening.  I tucked another blanket around Tristan's sleepy body as I started the long walk home.  My memories were keeping me warm. 

It was like opening a dusty little box I'd kept on a shelf in my mind; gone but not really forgotten.  It had been a long time since I'd thought about those golden memories we'd made together so long ago.  The intimate talks we'd had.  The disagreements.  The making up.  The white rose petals we'd made love on in Manila.  The tie and heels I'd worn for him in his office one afternoon.  I thought of Scotland.  Of the way he murmured my name so softly when he came.  How gently he'd held me.  My bonny Prince Charlie and his sweet little lassie....

Safe harbor.  That's what we'd been to each other once.  

Sometimes it felt like it had happened a thousand years ago.  Sometimes it felt like it had never happened at all.  

I stopped on the street and realized I was staring into a jeweler's window.  There in the case nestled in a bed of crimson velvet was a string of luminous pearls.  They were darker than the ones Terry had given me once, but just the sight of them brought back a rush of erotic memories.   

His hands were trembling when he reached for my face, cupping my cheeks and lifting my chin to meet his gaze.  I searched his eyes, looking for signs of recrimination and found only wonderment and tenderness.  He kissed me then, so soft and gentle I thought my heart would break with it.  He lifted his head and met my eyes.  I saw understanding there.  He knew it wasn't something I'd done lightly and there was a masculine fire there too, pride I'd allowed him to take me a place I'd never been, respect for the strength it took for me to be so free with him.

I shivered as I felt his semen trickle between my breasts.  Without taking his eyes from mine, he tucked the necklace into my palm, raised his hands to my chest and slowly rubbed the pearly fluid into my skin instead of wiping it away.  The gesture was tender and erotic and incredibly possessive, branding me his, if only for a night.

The pungent scent of his semen, earthy and strong, rose from my skin and his hands as he took the necklace from my fingers and whispered, "Turn around, love."

I turned in his embrace and he drew the necklace into place, fastening it carefully before pressing the most exquisitely tender kiss to the nape of my neck.  He turned me to face him.  My lover's eyes never left mine.  He stroked my neck with a fingertip.  "Beautiful, lassie, just as I knew it would be."  He did not elaborate.  I did not need him to.

Somewhere lost in the memories of that night, I didn't notice the car that had pulled up along side nor did I recognize the familiar driver.  I was somewhere very far away.  I touched my neck as he had done that night.   

Someone called my name.  It sounded like Terry.  Funny how memories can do that to you.  I ignored it until it happened again, accompanied by the dinging of a car door left open.

I turned and there he was, larger than life, as if my thoughts had somehow conjured him out of the air itself.  Terry's eyes took it all in in a moment.  The color in my cheeks.  The fingertips that I'd promptly removed from their sensual drag on my neck.  The pearls in the case beyond.  Tristan sleeping peacefully in the stroller. 

There was little doubt what - and who - I'd been thinking about.  I was mortified to be caught out reliving such a moment.  He pulled that face that he does... and shuffled awkwardly a little bit.... but I also saw a warm flash of memory in his eyes.  He hadn't forgotten that night either. 

He pulled at his eyebrow and then smiled.  His eyes twinkled as gestured to Tristan and I.  "Give you a lift, love?" 

It was one of those moments in life where two paths diverge before you with absolute crystal clarity, with every bump and ditch and hazard sign in full sight.... 

And you still choose the wrong one anyway...