It was three years since he had been in that area of southern England and Russell got lost. He'd insisted that he could find the pub himself (he'd been a regular when they'd been making Gladiator), and declined a limo and the usual honour guard for the private meeting. It was unlikely anyone would realise who he was in the suburbs anyway especially now with the new hairstyle and the weight gain. But more than that, he genuinely felt that the guy deserved some privacy and not the further intimidation of him arriving with several cars and muscle. 

Crowe hoped that this would not attract any attention although the chances were it would. Everything he did now received attention. Someone would have a picture of it and tomorrow it would be tabloid speculation again. He wished he could say he didn't care. But he did. This was not the gig he'd signed up for. The devil, as usual, was demanding a payment that hadn't been clearly explained in the pact. Be careful what you wish for, mate.

The arrangement was to meet at eight and it was now already 7.15. Russell really didn't want to let the guy think he was messing him about, arriving fashionably late, Hollywood diva style. Pulling up at the side of the road, he searched in the glove compartment of his hire car for an A-Z of the area but all he could find was Greater London - and this place was outside the reach. Russell exhaled and swore underneath his breath. This meant he now had to ask someone for directions, thus increasing his chances of being rumbled.

Looking about him as he ran his hands through his long unkempt golden locks, he noticed a woman with a pushchair walking away from him on the other side of the road. Maybe she could help. She looked harassed and would probably barely glance up at him. He opened the car door and got out, shouting across the road in his deep commanding voice.

"Excuse me, love. I'm lost. Have you got a minute?"

The woman stood still as if frozen in place at the sound of his voice. Her reaction seemed excessive even to a man used to people staring at him in shock. She hadn't even turned round - surely his voice alone wasn't that distinctive out of context? Or maybe she was just the nervous type?

Shrugging, he jogged across the road. "Can you tell me where...?"

Ash spun round and the two of them locked eyes. A passing car horned him; he realised then that he was still standing in the middle of the road and staring. How long had they been like that? It was as if time had stopped still. Shaking himself, he crossed over and stood before her.

"Ash...?" his voice betrayed his total shock at the coincidence of meeting her of all people. But then, she had lived in the general area too, so he should have foreseen the slim chance of such a reunion when he had decided to come down and make his peace with the man from the BAFTAs. Or maybe subconsciously he had? How much had his unusual decision to pop over and but the guy a pint by way of apology perhaps been spurred on by some subliminal desire to put himself in the very place where his rational mind, such as it was, would never have wanted him to be.

"Russ..." Her reply was almost inaudible, little more than a mouthing of his name; she looked pale as a ghost and seemed to be holding onto the handle of the pushchair for support. And they still stood there incapable of  further speech.

Considering they had once been the world's most verbose couple it wasn't one of their finest hours. Until:

"What are you doing here?" Ash spoke first, almost accusingly.

"I'm looking for a pub..." he replied vaguely, waving his hand absently and looking about him as if for some inspiration.

"They don't have them in Australia? Seems a long way to come for a pint..." she replied tartly, the old defensiveness beginning to take over as she fought for control.

Russell grinned uncomfortably. "...A specific pub. I'm meeting someone there. Making amends. Someone I insulted a few months ago- it's a long story..."

"That awards thing at BAFTA?" Ash asked, dead on the nail as ever.

He rolled his eyes. "Ya know about that?"

She smiled wryly. "The whole fucking world knows about that, Russ. They've reputedly got a website on Mars devoted to it."

He laughed a little easier this time, using her witty comment as an excuse to gain some thinking time - and beginning to take a closer look at her. "Pretty amazing coincidence, though? What are you doing here anyway? You don't live here around here..."

Ash interrupted; the guard was up again. "How do you know where I live? Things change, Russ. I live here now." Ash was not willing to make small talk with him. "What's the name of the pub you're looking for? Maybe I can help?" It seemed a good idea for her to set him back on his way and get rid of him as quickly as possible. Anything more than that and she knew how astute he might be at putting things together. So far, he hadn't taken any notice of the little passenger in the stroller. But Ash knew he would very speedily begin to take in the other details. Russell rarely missed anything significant.

He told her the name of the pub. She knew it well. "Carry on down this road until you come to the lights. Turn left and it's about a mile on the right just after a Mobil garage. You can't miss it."

Russell knew that was all there was to say. He should turn away and get back to his car. She seemed reluctant to talk more. So why was he still hovering? "Thanks... You look good, Ash. How's things?" It was an innocuous enough comment but it required an answer. He was beginning to probe.

She shrugged. "OK. You?"

"Pretty good." Now who was reluctant? She made a slightly amused sound at his reply as if 'pretty good' seemed rather an understatement for a man as successful as he had been since they had last met.

Yet there actually wasn't anything else to say. Ash made an attempt to end the dialogue. "Well, it was nice to see you again, Russ. Take care." Her comment was absurdly trite addressed to a man that she had once been in love with. He grimaced as if her dismissal pained him in some way. He wondered how men and women who once shared the deepest intimacy could later find themselves barely able to give each other the time of day. 

Ash turned to go, aware that she had about sixty seconds to round the corner before she collapsed. There was only so long she could hold this expression of bored disdain. Her knees were knocking and her heart pounded in an arrhythmic tattoo.

"Is that one of your sister's kids?" Russ suddenly walked forward, squatted down to look at Dominic and smiled at the boy. She remembered how Russell had always been so great with children, gentle and friendly, so different from his prickliness with adults. "He's a cute little fella. What's your name, little mate?"

Dominic was a little unsure of the stranger and he looked up at Ash: "...Mum... my...!" he exclaimed nervously. He wasn't used to men, rarely spent much time with them and often reacted with tears if approached too quickly.

"You're his mother?" Russell snorted, standing up abruptly, his face stony. "Didn't take you long, did it? Jesus, you're incredible...."

Ash threw her reply back and knew even as she did that silence would have been a far better idea. Let him believe she had met and taken up with someone else almost immediately. Wouldn't that be the best way to drive him away? But instead she snapped:

"So you've been celibate the past two and a half years, have you? Not according to the papers I've been reading..."

He had walked back to his car and was just opening the driver's door as she threw that back at him. Russell stopped and glared at her over his shoulder but declined to answer.

"...You're even more stupid than I thought you were!" she shouted pointlessly and then set off in the opposite direction trying to get away as fast as it was humanly possible with a pushchair.

Half running down the adjacent street, she heard the screech of tyres moments later and saw his car scream to a stop before her. A few passers by looked concerned, even more so when the driver of the car jumped out and launched himself at the young mother and baby.

"What were you saying, Ash? What the fuck was that comment about? Why am I stupid? Finish it. Say the rest of it... NOW!" His manner had gone from vaguely pissed off to nuclear explosion in a few seconds. Ash felt sure he had immediately made the connection and wished she could run the whole of the past minutes back to where he had been about to leave. Why had she provoked him thus and caused him to make the assumption that was staring him in the face now? Or had she wanted him to know really?

"What do you want me to say? What would make you feel better, Mr. Crowe? That I met someone else and got pregnant five minutes after you stormed out? OK, that's what happened then. Satisfied? Now go, meet this guy and leave me and my son alone..."

"...Is he mine?" all at once he spoke softly, his voice a deep soft purr, the harsh profanity of moments ago evaporating in that emotional see saw fashion of his she remembered so well.

There was a long pause while they simply looked at each other. It was finally broken by Dominic starting to cry; he didn't like what was happening. This man was scaring him and he seemed to be uncannily aware that his mother was upset too. Ash picked him up from the stroller and held him close to her, his head buried against her neck.

"I asked you if he was my son," Russell repeated still almost in a whisper but an edge of impatient authority creeping into his voice.

Ash nodded. It was way past the point when she could lie about it now.

"Oh God!"  His response startled her. He just sank to his knees and put his face in his hands. "Oh God!" There was another long pause while he looked from Dominic to Ash and then back again. "Where do you live?"

"Near here."

"Jump in, I'll take you home."

Ash shook her head. "We can't. It's a two-seater sports car and there's no baby chair. It's too dangerous."

"It's only nearby. Don't be so fucking difficult, Ash..."

"No, Russ. Park up. Walk me home but I won't put him in cars unless it's safe."

Russell gave her a glare, but pressed the locking button on his keys. She returned Dominic to the stroller and set off down the road. Russell jogged to catch up with them and they walked on in silence, the child watching him with his lip quivering, until she reached the small semi-detached house on the new estate where they were heading. "This is it. We live here," she announced.

Russell looked up at the house and seemed thoughtful. "Why did you leave the flat? Did you think I might come back looking for you there?"

Ash scoffed at his remark. "If you'd wanted to find me, you would have found me, Russell. Don't pretend you've looked, I know you haven't. The old flat wasn't appropriate for a baby. We needed a home with a little garden. So I sold the apartment and bought this. It's not much, but property prices down here are horrendous. There were not too many choices on my salary."

Russell ran a hand down his face and groaned. "I have to meet this bloke. But I also have to talk to you. This is a fucking nightmare, Ash."

"Thanks," she retorted dryly. "Good job he's too small to realise what you just said." Ash bit back at him.

"Shit, you know I didn't mean it like that! Come on, Ash...don't shut me out.  I'll be back later. We'll talk then. Is that alright? Can I come back later?"

Ash shrugged. "Up to you. I'll be here. I'm always here..." She pushed on down the path and fumbled for her keys; he stood and watched her until they were both inside then returned to his car, checking his watch and realising he had to get a move on. Ash watched from behind the curtain.

It was eleven thirty before he finally arrived, after possibly one of the worst nights of Ash's life. What would he say when he returned, having now had time to digest the news? He was unpredictable at the best of times and this was clearly the worst of times for him - 'a fucking nightmare' as he had so eloquently put it.

Opening the door tentatively, she led him in to the small lounge, cluttered with Dominic's toys and her working papers. Housekeeping had never been a strong point.

He sat down and the small room seemed even smaller with his presence. He had gained weight. He even seemed taller. The blonde hair was really strange on him, an adjustment for her to make. She knew about the Patrick O'Brien film and had been reading the novels. It was a perfect casting for him. She already knew he would make Aubrey one of his most famous roles; everything he was doing in his career seemed merely to take him from strength to strength and prove the solid foundation of his towering acting talent. Ash perched nervously on a seat at the other side of the room, breathing steadily to try and focus on keeping calm and not allowing him to corner her as he could so easily do if she allowed him an inch.

"I want to know everything. What happened when ...I ...left."

"What's to tell? I fell apart. Then I found out I was pregnant. Nine months later Dom was born and here I am. A single mother with a career and up to my neck in debt. It's not an unusual story, Russ. You could work it out yourself."

"You didn't meet anyone else then?" he asked as if he was still unwilling to believe that the unthinkable had happened and the child he had always dreamed of had been born to him by a woman whom he had walked out on years before. The fantasy he had always carried of a white wedding with all the trimmings, a honeymoon baby and the perfect married life awaiting him shot to pieces in one traumatic revelation.

Ash laughed bitterly. "Get real, Russ. How many pregnant women you dated recently? And it's worse after the baby arrives. No life. I can't go out. Childcare costs in the daytime are crippling me - doesn't leave much for going out or babysitters at night. Anyway I'd never see him if I did. He's more important to me than that. When I'm not working, I'm with him. It's as simple as that."

That comment seemed to make an impact on him. He clearly approved of her declaration. But then Russell, underneath the hip, cool smart ass style, had always been unapologetically conservative, particularly about male-female roles. And yet somehow the proof that she was a good mother to his son, while resonating with him, also made his temper flare again. No doubt it reminded him how he had been denied the right even to know, let alone try, to be a good father to this boy.

"Why didn't you tell me? How could you do that to me?" His eyes revealed the extent of the emotional hurt he was feeling; it was always his eyes that gave him away. No wonder he chose to cover them with sunglasses whenever he could.  "I know you must have been angry with me - but - he's my son, for fuck's sake! Don't I have any rights? Doesn't he have the right to know his own father? He needs a male role model. You know how I feel about kids..." His voice was husky and she recognised the tone. His emotions were getting the better of him. This could be either heart wrenching or scary depending on how he decided to go.

"I didn't do it to punish you, Russell! You have to believe that. I tried to call you - so many times. You wouldn't speak to me - remember? When was I supposed to tell you? You even slammed the phone down when your Mum was talking to me..."

"There are other ways. If you'd told my Mum about the baby..."

"Yeah? Then you'd have wanted to see me? That would have changed things? Do you know how that makes me feel? A baby can't hold two people in a relationship no matter how much they love him. It wouldn't have worked. If you didn't want me then the fact that I was pregnant would not change a thing..."

"...I'm not talking about a relationship. I know that ended long ago. But I could have seen him, taken care of the bills. Done my bit to help raise him. I'm not a complete bastard, Ash! I would have taken my share of the responsibility. I've so much fucking money that I don't know what to do with it... And my son has a right to it..."

Ash spat out, "I don't need your money. We are fine. Any way- I thought you couldn't afford the maintenance, baby? Get out, run away, hit the highway and all that..."

"...That song's not about you. I've never written about you. Not in so many words. I could never even voice how much you hurt me, let alone put it in a song...But I can't let you live like this...Ash, let me help you both...please, don't be stubborn about it..."

"...What's wrong with living like this? This is how real people live, Russell. It might not be flash but it's a decent home. Beats a squat in Sydney, I'll warrant. And you're only a roll of the dice away from that. Even you must see that. You got it all. I got nothing. That's life," she faced him up and he nodded, impressed at her uncompromising statement of the truth. At the end of the day that was how life went. You either won or lost. There was rarely a place for anyone on the fence.

Russell stood up and walked to the window, looking out on to the tidy houses of the estate, pensive. "Mind if I smoke?"

"Yes, I do mind. Dom has asthma. I don't allow smoking in the house."

"...Asthma? Is he all right? How bad is it?" He spun round, suddenly anxious.

"Just the usual. Millions of kids have it these days. It's the world we live in, I suppose. Mild enough and he'll grow out of it. Don't worry about it - but smoking is not good around him." Russell nodded. There was no question he would do anything to irritate his son's condition.

Sitting down on the arm of a chair, he sank his head and looked forlorn, suddenly weighed down by the sadness of it all. "I know nothing about him. I didn't even know his name until you said it. Dom- is that short for Dominic?"

"Yes, Dominic David Connor. I heard about your uncle. He was a nice man. I was sorry.  I thought it would be appropriate to include his name..."

Russell's face showed his surprise at that. "That was a very decent thing to do, love," he said quietly. "Can I see him?"

"Of course. He's in bed but he sleeps like a log. We probably won't wake him."

Ash led him upstairs to his room and they watched the sleeping child together. He was wearing pyjamas with teddies on them, lying flat out on his back, dead to the world, stretched out across the mattress. Even Russell could see this was his son, another Crowe claiming his space in the world even in his sleep.

"I see what you mean- even the lamp hasn't woken him! So he gets something off me, does he?" Russell smiled sadly.

Ash looked at her boy, and stroked back his curls. "He's your son, Russell. He gets many things from you. Especially his temper. At the moment, he's becoming very difficult. The Terrible Twos approach...you know? The ones you've never grown out of...?" Russell laughed wryly at her comment and she smiled too. "...Everything is 'mine!' It's his favourite word now and he's even been yellow carded at the crèche for blobbing other kids if they touch any toy he wants! He'll be a handful when he's older if I don't watch him, no doubts about that!" Ash smiled again and Russell saw her eyes soften as she looked at the boy. There was nothing in this world quite like the love of a mother and her child. Except perhaps for that of a father...? "He's also the sweetest little boy in the world when he wants to be too, able to wrap anyone round his finger. Well he would be, wouldn't he, Russ? He has the genes of the world's greatest charmer to thank for that..."

The soft expression she had kept for Dominic was suddenly turned on him. He realised then how much he had hurt her and the crushing guilt of the cruel way he had abandoned her sank into his soul. "I need to get to know him, Ash. Let me have a part of his life. Please."

Ash swallowed hard. "...Whatever you want. I won't deny you. I know I should have let you know. And I'm glad that you do now. You'll be good for him. A boy needs his father. I already think he spends too much time with women. He needs to learn how to be a man - from the best source. If you want to take him to Australia to your Mum and Dad, that's fine by me. I'll let you do that. But you'll have to wait until he's comfortable with you. I can't let you just snatch him away too soon. He'd be traumatised if he were just whisked away from me...you have to understand that..."

"...I'd never take him from you! Jesus, I wouldn't drag a baby from his mother! I know that he needs you most of all!  I'd fly you both over. You could stay at the farm. I'll be away the next few months so you wouldn't have to see much of me - but I'll try to grab a couple of days, whenever I can..."

"...How's your girlfriend going to react, Russ? She's going to really love this little bombshell dropped on her. You haven't thought this through in your usual fashion. You must talk to your parents and to this woman first. She needs to be brought into it." Ash grimaced but went on gamely. "She may also have a role in mothering my son as time goes by. So she must have some say in it all."

Russell gave her one of his looks.  "She'll have to deal with it. It'll be easier than some of the shit she's handled." He sounded bitter. Ash wondered what was really the status of this current relationship? Gossip suggested marriage was on the cards but then what did the tabloids ever really know? It also occurred to her that today must have been overwhelming for him and he was handling himself very well considering. He seemed calm - bruised, but calm- more cynical but less belligerent than she might have expected; sort of worn down by it all. But despite the obvious blow the news had brought to him there was something else there. He could not withhold the impact that this child had made on him. He had always had such a strong desire to be a father. This may not have been the way he had envisaged it but he was already showing his capability of putting his son first and accepting the adjustments that would inevitably have to be made. It made her feel so proud of him and she wondered why she had ever really doubted that he would have reacted any differently. Russell might have had many faults but he was the most loyal of men to those he loved or to those whom he believed he owed a debt. It was a poignant reminder to her of how she herself had failed him when he had needed that unquestioning loyalty from her in return.

Ash reached out instinctively to touch his arm, affected by his strength of purpose, the fairness and generosity he had extended to her and also the knowledge that this man who had been hurt before was now feeling the pain of being left out in the cold again. But he pulled away from her as if he had been burnt. His rejection cut though her sharply. She turned away to try to stem the tide of tears that were surging.

"I'd better go, love," he muttered.  "It's late. I'll ring you tomorrow and send a car. We'll meet somewhere private and I'll introduce myself to him properly. Then I have to go to the States. I start a film soon. I need to be there by Monday. But I'll keep in touch..."

Russell reached over and touched his son's head tenderly; Dominic stirred and he smiled sadly down at him. Together they walked downstairs and Ash opened the front door to see him out. As he turned to leave he said, "It could have been so different, baby. If only you'd trusted me not to hurt you. You, me and him...imagine what the past years would have been like...?" Ash caught the sob in her throat and choked it back down. She couldn't let him go like that. She had made mistakes - but so had he. Neither of them had any cause to blame the other for their casual waste of what they had had.  He was walking down the path when she spoke to his retreating back:

"Russ! I always trusted you. You didn't realise what I meant that day. But it wasn't your fault anymore than it was mine really. Do you remember the first time that you took me to dinner? When we had that stupid fight because you touched my hand? You had asked me a question then and I never answered it..."

"...I don't remember. What did I ask you?" he said, suddenly interested.

"Who broke your heart?"

Russell exhaled heavily, a sudden, veiled angry look passing over his face.

"Yeah, right- you can add my name to the list of bastards..."

"That's not what I meant, Russ. You never listen to what I'm really trying to say. You just jump to the conclusion that someone wants to shaft you again..."

"Okay..... Who broke your heart then?" He stared at her, his eyes glinting and his chin raised ready for the accusation.

"ME.  I didn't need any help, Russ. I was perfectly capable of doing it myself. I think we both were."

In the warm spring night, the man and woman stared at each other. He groaned. "Fuck you, Ash! You always do that. Just when I think I've got my head sorted out, you just reel me back in. How do you do that?"

Russell followed Ash back in to the house and closed the door behind them. She stood with her head leaning against the wall, trying to stem the flow of tears that were pouring down her cheeks. Slipping his arms round her back, he held her, resting his head against hers. They stood there for a long time, neither speaking. And then:

"Can I stay?" he whispered.

A million different answers swirled through Ash's brain. Most told her to say an emphatic 'no', but it was impossible. Whatever he could offer her, even if it were only the consolation of one night, she could refuse him nothing. Not any more. Now he had her where he had wanted her all that time ago. She was too broken down by loneliness and life and by the haunting memory of the only man she had ever loved to resist him.  She simply nodded and held out her hand to lead him upstairs. He followed quietly, his hand in hers.

Ash took him into her room and switched on the lamp. He recognised the bed and other furniture and then he saw something familiar lying on the back of a chair. It was an old jumper he had used to wear. Russell looked across at Ash and she shrugged. "I somehow sleep better when it's near," she said with a blush colouring her pale cheeks. All these years she had clung to that, just as she had clung to his son. The pain of his own desertion and the life he had enjoyed through these crazy years of excess and self-indulgence while she had struggled on alone and still in love with him, cut deep into his heart. He had thought himself a better man that that. Russell sighed heavily and reached for her; Ash clung to him and he could feel her longing. It was almost palpable. Somehow it was more than he could bear to see and feel how low he had brought her, all the time wrapped up in his own need. He was not sure he could handle the guilt.

Raising her face, he kissed her, tasting the salt tears and choking off the sob that was in her throat. He pressed hard on her lips, roughly, almost brutally, trying to distract himself from the emotion she was awakening in him. Pushing her against the wall, he pulled off her T-shirt and unclasped her bra, rubbing his hands urgently over her flesh.  Ash responded with a moan and reached for him but he took her arms in his left hand and held them above her head. Wrenching down her jeans and underwear he continued to kiss her neck and shoulders, biting and raking his teeth over her. He wanted to try to forget who she was and what she meant to him - but he was losing the battle. The more he wanted her, the more it unleashed something in him that was dangerous and on the edge. Today's emotional rollercoaster was beginning to take its toll.

Leaning in on her, grinding her against the wall, thrusting his cock hard against her belly, he bit her ear and as she gasped, he growled, "Do you want it rough, Ash? I want it rough. Tell me what you want!"

Ash shivered, suddenly alert to the feeling that something was amiss. She wanted him but there was darker element in his remark and she felt the first hint of panic rising.

"Tell me!" he shouted, louder now, almost deafening her.

"Russ, slow down a little," she began to say but he cut her words off with another bruising kiss, forcing his tongue on her mouth and grazing hers with his teeth.

"You like it rough, don't you, Ash? I remember you used to like to play...."

"...Please, Russ. Not like this. Not tonight. You're scaring me.  What's the matter?" Her voice was beginning to rise; she was frightened now. He seemed bigger and stronger even than she remembered him. Suddenly he pulled her over to the bed and threw her down, roughly forcing her legs apart with his knee as he unzipped himself and then lunged for her.

"...Please...please...not like this..." Ash sobbed.

Suddenly the sound of a child crying pierced through the silence of the house.

"...Please, Russ! He'll come in. Don't let him see this. It'll frighten him."

Russell pulled away and turned his back to the door and at that moment, the little boy padded into the room, rubbing his eyes and crying. Ash flung a wrap on and ran to pick him up, carrying him back towards his own room. But Dominic had noticed the stranger. He stared accusingly at him as he hugged Ash around her neck possessively. As small as he was he could sense something was very wrong. Normally Dominic was shy with men and would say nothing to them until he was more familiar; this time was different. He shouted over at Russell: "Go 'way, you!" while Ash swept him from the room.

Ash changed him, gave him some herbal tea to drink and held him, trying to nurse him back to sleep, sitting on the rocking chair in his room. Dominic was too disturbed to settle and kept rolling his head back to look around the room as if alert to the stranger. Suddenly the light from the hallway faded and Ash realised that Russell was standing in the doorway, watching them. Both Ash and Dominic looked at him but said nothing. At last Russell spoke, his voice even lower and huskier than usual.

"He was trying to protect you."

"He's my son. How would you react if you thought someone was hurting your mother?" Ash replied quietly.

"He's a baby," Russell answered as if he could not quite believe that this little child could have acted out of defence for his mother.

"He's still my son, Russell. And your son, too."

Russell turned and went down the stairs, but she didn't hear the front door slam. He was still in the house somewhere. At last Dominic went back to sleep and Ash slipped out of the room. Downstairs, the house was in darkness. Russell was sitting in the lounge with his head in his hands. As Ash entered he looked up.

"That is the worse thing I've ever done in my life - and I've done some things I'm ashamed of, I can tell you. Thank God he woke up. I don't know why I did it, Ash. I didn't think I was capable of such a thing to any woman...."

Ash walked over and stood before him; he sank on to his knees and buried his head against her, holding her round the waist. "Can you forgive me?"

Ash stroked his long hair and smiled despite herself. For all his imposing masculinity she could see the needy child in him quiet as much as in her little son. "Why do you think you did it? Somewhere in you, you do know why."

He looked up at her and swallowed hard. "You hurt me once. You hurt me so bad that I thought I would go insane. I'm afraid now you'll hurt me again. I wanted to rip the feelings I have for you right out of my brain. I wanted to fuck you and see that you were just a woman. That you didn't have the power to affect the great Russell Crowe anymore. That I can have any woman in the world and I don't need you...But I shouldn't have done it that way. All that shows me is that you do...have the power...that I never really got over you..."

Ash sank down and knelt before him, taking his head in her hands and caressing his strong face. "Good. Now we're being honest. It's a start, Russell. No more clever answers from either of us. I want the truth from you and I'm going to give you the truth, no matter how much it hurts either of us. That way, if we fail this time we talk, at least we'll know why."

She gave him her hand and they rose, sitting on the sofa, he leaning back, she sitting cross-legged by his side, tucking the wrap around her.

"Me first." Ash said. "I want you to listen to what I have to say. Really listen this time. Don't just hear what you think I'm saying but what I'm actually saying. Promise me." He nodded slowly.

"I love you. I have always loved you since the very beginning. You are the only man I've ever loved - I know that now. I will never want another man in my life but you. I haven't slept with anyone since you left but I suppose in the years to come I'll seek sex from others- but I couldn't make a relationship with someone else. That's how much I love you. If I said things wrong when you asked me to go with you that day, I'm sorry. But I never rejected you or said I didn't love you enough... I don't expect anything else from you, Russell. It's too late to go back. Your life has moved on into an incredible place you never dreamed of. You have made other relationships with other women. I understand that. This is not about putting a guilt trip on you. But I do not intend ever to hide my feelings from you again. I just wanted you to know what I should have told you that day..."

There was a profound silence in the room, so intense that the sounds of their breathing and their heartbeats seemed deafening in their ears. Finally Russell murmured:

"But I just...I nearly... raped you."

"...But you didn't. And it wasn't exactly rape. I wanted you even if not in quite that way. I don't think you're actually capable of forcing yourself on a woman. You wouldn't have gone through with it. I don't believe you would have done. And anyway, I can't deal with 'what ifs?' There have been too many of those already. They are pointless and are the cause of all our insecurities and mistakes..."

"...He hates me." Russell almost sobbed that out. "I always thought if I had children, I would be the perfect Dad - and the first time my son sees me properly, I'm..." He simply choked then and Ash held him as he cried.

"...Hush, baby," she murmured into his ear. "He didn't see anything. He just sensed something was not quite right. From now on he must see the real you and he'll soon forget that moment. Dominic needs a father and there isn't a better one in the whole world than you. I'll do whatever I must to make that possible for the two of you."

"I don't know what to do, Ash. I can't think straight. I always know what I want - or think I do- but I can't work anything out tonight," his confusion and bewilderment were apparent. He was completely beyond the parameters he could deal with.

"It's late and you've had a terrible shock today. This is not the time for major decisions. Stay with us tonight. I don't want you driving away in this state Give me one more night of your life, Russell. Make love to me like you used to do and don't think about all the shit that's happened in between. Tomorrow we'll start to think about the future. But not tonight."

Ash stood up and held out her hand. He rose to his feet. "Remember the first time?" he said with a sweet smile, swinging her into his arms and carrying her upstairs. He kicked open the bedroom door. Ash closed her eyes and prayed for a miracle.

Russell placed her gently down on the bed and she slowly undressed him as he stroked her hair and her face; neither of them spoke. He lay beside her and he opened her wrap, baring her to him and looking at her with his intense concentration, recalling every inch of her familiar body as she did the same to his. He pulled her gently towards him and she straddled him, grinding against his erect cock. All the while they kept eye contact, even as she trembled at the feel of his rock hard flesh against her wet tenderness and as he shuddered. Pulling her down to lie onto his chest, Russell kissed her and it was like a dam bursting inside her - and it seemed the same for him. They both groaned as their bodies remembered each other and they feverishly, but delicately, made love.

This time he was so gentle to her that it made her weep and yet urgent at the same time. He covered her body with kisses, swept his hands over her, muttering and moaning, saying nothing coherent but his husky groans were clear enough. Ash tried to be quiet - she did not want Dominic to be disturbed again - but she could not still the cries of unbridled passion that were forced from her as he found her sex with his tongue and lapped and sucked with that controlled abandon of which only he was capable. It had been so long for her; she was so desperate for his touch. Her orgasm was almost instantaneous and cataclysmic.

As he lay buried in her, smelling and tasting her, she reached for his cock and took it in her mouth, still moaning and writhing from his oral attentions. Russell threw back his head and let out a low grunt as she swallowed him, gently grazing his shaft with her teeth and then sucking hard as she pulled her head back. Ash kneaded his balls tenderly in her hands and could feel them harden and tense; she wanted to taste him, drink him, to feel his come spurting into the back of her mouth. But he did not want that.

Gently raising her head and saying "Not this time, baby..." He lifted her to him and she lay by him, still gently jerking him with her hands. "Want me to use something?" Ash nodded. She did not intend to be careless tonight. "Wait," he moved as if to get up and find his wallet but she placed a hand on his arm.

"Still got some left in the drawer," and she reached and pulled out a condom from his old supply.

"I never throw anything away!" she said with a flush of embarrassment, noticing that he quickly checked the date but it seemed they were still usable. Russ slipped it on deftly and returned to her; they resumed their kissing and touching, working themselves back to the state they had so recently reached. "Are you ready, baby?" he whispered.

"I've been ready all night, Russ...!" she moaned in reply as he slowly pushed her thighs apart and rested himself on her, rubbing gently along her slit, awakening her clit again and searching for her opening. Pushing her legs back so that her knees were resting on her shoulders, he raised himself and entered, slowly at first. Ash was tight - it had been a two and a half years and a delivery with an episiotomy - he worried that he would hurt her. But she felt so good. So tight.

"Relax, baby," he said as he opened her legs to the side, trying to make her as wide as possible. Bit by bit he rocked gently as Ash gasped at the sense of being filled by him. They both stared down at each other, a smile of wonderment playing on both their faces.

"I'd forgotten how good you feel," she murmured. 

"Me too," he replied and then thrust down with a deep moan and reached his limit. Suddenly she no longer felt tense and sore as the intense pleasure of his thick cock stimulated every inch of her and rammed repeatedly onto her sensitive spot.

Lowering himself down, Ash instinctively wrapping her legs high around his waist; his motion became harder and faster and she could see his eyes beginning to roll as he fought against his orgasm. "Russ, come! Now! Don't hold back. I want to see you come. I'm coming too... Oh baby..." And they came together, not wildly and noisily as they had done so many times before, but breathless and sighing, in a grateful reunion.

Then they lay together lost in their own thoughts, holding each other desperately. Suddenly, Russ rolled over on to his side.

"I'm ready to talk."

And he talked. For hours. He told her everything that had happened since the day he had walked out. The story of the madness that his life had become and how he had gradually adjusted to the awesome impact of stellar celebrity - but at what cost to his peace of mind, his personal life and that of the people he loved. He had behaved in an appalling manner to many people over the years, had hurt some he shouldn't have, had thrown away some of the good things that he had gained but was learning to cope and beginning to want to grow up.

There were the women - not as many as the gossip columns said, but enough. There had been romances, part wish-fulfilment and part desperation to shrug off the loneliness and emptiness of the sexual life that was so readily available to him and in which he indulged until he was sated and sick of it. It was worse than ever before. Now he wasn't even a character in a film to most women who made a play for him as he had been at first. Now he was just a celebrity dick to say you'd fucked and then make disparaging comments about the next day, quite possibly to a newspaper so that you could make a pile of money. He was a commodity that everyone wanted a piece of until he no longer felt he could trust anyone except a handful of people who had been there from the start.

"And where are you now exactly, Russell?" she finally asked him bluntly.

"I honestly don't know, Ash. But to sure feels right here tonight with you, love" he replied. "...and with my son sleeping safely a few feet away...That feels real, Ash. Like I've been living in a nightmare and have just woken up..."

They must have fallen asleep very late on. They had still been talking at four when it was becoming light and birds and been singing outside. After he had talked, he had wanted every detail of her pregnancy and labour, listened to how she had watched his films and cried, had read the gossip columns and the Internet websites until her head swam with what she had thrown away. Ash then told him about Dominic and the joy he had brought her. This little boy had been a great gift and had almost made up for everything else, except for one thing. She had needed Russell to father her child in more than a biological sense. It had devastated her that Dominic might never have known him.

The truth was out but no promises or commitments were made. It was too confusing to jump in with both feet this time. Both of them had learnt that lesson. They made love again sometime in the very early morning, rising and falling quietly and slow before falling asleep safe in each other's arms.

Dominic came bounding in to his mother's room as usual at seven, throwing himself onto her bed, agilely pulling himself up using the covers as a grappling rope. But he didn't find his mother lying there. Instead he found Him, asleep, with Mummy in his arms. Dominic climbed over Him and slipped down between the two trying to push Him away. Ash woke quickly, always sensitive to him, and rolled over, making room for her son and cuddling him tight.

"Mornin', baby," she muttered, "Sleep with Mummy. Mummy's tired," vainly hoping he might doze off for a little while longer. As she slipped back to sleep, the little boy sat up and looked down at the sleeping man. He knelt up and touched his face, intrigued by the stubbly beard and chuckling at the texture against his fingers. He shouted "Teddy!" and laughed out loud. As most children he was fascinated by faces and reached out next to touch the man's eyelids. "Open your eyes!" Dominic commanded.

Russell woke with a grunt and found himself staring at his little son. The boy looked curiously down him and said "Wake up!" Russell smiled.

"Okay. You got me. I'm awake."

The boy looked over at his mother for reassurance but she was still asleep. "My Mummy," he said as if to claim her back from the stranger.

"I know. She's a lovely Mummy. What's your name?"

"Dom'nic."

"I'm Russ... I'm your Dad. Say it, Dom. Say Dad."

Dominic thought about the word. He had heard it before. Other kids said the word. "Dad," he said tentatively. His 'Dad' smiled broadly. "Amazing!"

Dominic suddenly slithered off the bed and ran off, returning a short while later with a toy. "My car," he said, extending it to Russell. It was a significant moment. Even Russell realised that the child was taking a big step.

"Wow, that's some car, Dom!" It was - red and yellow plastic with buttons and lights and dials and God knows what else. Russell jumped out of bed naked and sat on the floor beside the boy.

"OK. Show me what it does, mate!" And Dominic proceeded to set it off, its batteries working overtime as it made noises, played some strident song, flashed lights and moved around the bedroom floor. It was the most hideous toy ever made but for some reason, Dominic absolutely loved it and so did his father who laughed loudly at the sheer absurdity of it.

Ash woke up with a start. "Dom, turn that blasted thing off!" and pulled a pillow over her head but the noise of the infernal machine, Russell's booming laughter and her son's chortling as his father built tunnels out of clothes and piles of books for the car to negotiate made that impossible.

"I hate that toy! He always goes for it. I swear I'm going to throw the batteries away!" Ash screamed, now fully awake and furious. The boys just grinned at her.

"Mummy no like!" Dominic explained to Russell with a patronising look.

"Yeah, I can see that, son. Women just don't get cars, mate! What else you got that makes a noise?" They repaired to his room and started investigating his toy box. Ash lay back and yawned, listening to them chattering in the other room. Well, it didn't take the two of them long to chum up, did it, she smiled to herself? They were both working their charm on each other.

Dragging herself up and looking at reflection in the bathroom mirror she exhaled sharply. 'I look like something a cat dragged in,' she thought and quickly tried to repair some of the damage, taking a quick shower and brushing out her hair. By the time she was presentable and dressed, Russell was half way through building a Duplo Lego garage and seemed more interested in it than Dominic, who was trying to count his colouring crayons but kept getting mixed up after three. Russell looked up when she popped her head round the door. "He's pretty smart, isn't he? Are all kids like this? He's not two yet, is he?"

"He's very smart but why shouldn't he be? You're no fool although you try your best to let every one think otherwise and I am a University academic. What did you expect? And Russ, don't you think it's time you got some clothes on? I'm surprised he hasn't started asking embarrassing questions. He finds me very interesting..."

"...That's 'cos he's a boy. Which bloke wouldn't be interested in your naked body?" Russell cracked back with a smile. Ash ignored him.

"Come on, Dom. Let's get you changed and dressed. Don't suppose it occurred to you to dress him, did it, Russ?"

"Actually it did but I chickened out. Give me time, love!" He put on that appealing look and indicated the clearly soggy diaper his son was wearing.

Ash took Dominic, peeled off his pyjamas and night time nappy. He immediately ran off, glad to be free. Russell hooted in amusement. "Hasn't just got his temper from me then has he?" he chuckled as he observed his naked son.

"Stop feeling so pleased with yourself! What did you expect? He's the talk of the play centre. Most of the mothers have already checked him out for their girls! The nurse even said it was a wonder he learnt to walk so early dragging that around with him! And now, before this house looks anymore like a nudist camp, will you all get some clothes on and have some breakfast!"

Later in the kitchen, Dominic was in his high chair- reluctantly- tucking into some cereal when Russell came down showered and dressed. He slid his arms round Ash as she worked at the sink. "This is how life should be," he said, kissing her neck and rubbing up against her.

Ash wriggled away. "Don't get carried away by domesticity after one day of it, buster. Don't see this in a rosy glow. It's hard work and no matter how much you want a family life, you can't just make one up. No matter how much you love a child, it doesn't necessarily mean you can take the whole package..."

"What about if you love the mother, Aisling?" Russell asked softly in her ear Ash spun round and looked at him.

"...But you don't, Russ. You used to. You can't just switch it on again. We are so far from where we were before that I'm not sure we could ever find our way back..."

Russell sighed. She was right in many ways. The years had taken their toll on both of them and they were now very different people than they had been then. It would take time to discover if they still had a crack at making a life together. And Dominic was not even part of that equation. Russell knew that he would be a father to his son regardless of what happened between him and Dominic's mother. But despite all that, he believed they still had a chance. He had met so few women in his life with whom he had even wanted to try. Ash had always been the special one who reached him a way he barely even understood himself. Some of that love must have lingered inside them both, untapped and ready to resurface into the light if they nurtured it with care.

"Who's not listening now, baby? Remember - don't hear what you want to hear, hear what I'm saying. Don't try to tell me how I feel. You don't know. Just like I didn't know how you felt. But I know now. It was always you. That's why I fell apart afterwards. That's why my retribution was so very pitiless. I never fell apart with anyone else quite that way. Mostly I stay good friends with my ex-lovers. They often prefer me that way..."

He grinned and fingered the buttons of her blouse idly as he talked quietly. Even Dominic seemed to be listening as if he, too, knew this was a very pivotal moment in his life. "That's why I ran away, Ash. I didn't have the guts to chance that you couldn't hack my world. That it would all blow up in my face and I would have paid the price for my fame in you and any family we might have had. Part of me was looking for a way out all the time. I wasn't really ready, was I? But by the time I got the glittering prize, honey, I was ready. And it was too late. I'd bought into my own myth. Yeah, you were right. You always were. I broke my own heart, too. No one destroys you quite as much as yourself, ain't that the truth? But I gotta believe I can put it right... We can put it right. It's only broken, baby. I still got the pieces and they still got your name on it. Got any glue, Ash?"

Russell had to leave quite early that morning to deal with something in London. He was flying out to New Mexico in two days' time but until then he was going to cancel any other appointments he had made and spend the time with them.. He promised that he would be back later. "Be here!" he had ordered in his uncompromising fashion. It made Ash smile. She was going nowhere. Except to hell in a handcart. This time, she had no illusions about how she would grab at any straw  he offered to claw her way back to him, however unwise or doomed it might be. She knew now that it was better to risk all with him on the throw of a dice than to accept some lesser, more secure but rational future on her own.

When he left the house, it was like the calm after a storm. The place seemed to stand holding its breath still clinging to the mighty presence and as bereft as she was at his absence.  She cleared up, carried on with the usual mundane Saturday chores, still wondering if she had dreamed the night before. But a few reminders showed her that the impossible had indeed occurred. That fate did sometimes intervene when humans seemed incapable of reacting in a sane way.  For one, Dominic kept saying, 'Dad!' or 'Where's Dad!' Then again Russell had left his jacket slung over a chair and a packet of cigarettes in the kitchen - the usual casual reminders of his presence. And between her legs she still felt the raw pain of his thick flesh coupled with the sticky trace of his semen. They had only had two condoms left in the packet. Sanity had never been their strong point.

Ash tried to work out what had happened between them and if she had imagined half of the events of the previous crazy day. So much had been said, examined, put under a microscope and it appeared that new light was shining on all the dark corners. But how could one meeting clear the air and wipe away the events of the past two years? In the clarity of day would Russell wake up and realise that his initial euphoria was a misplaced and unreliable emotion. It never occurred to her to ask herself that question. She had no doubts. Nothing had changed for her in how she felt about him.

Later in the afternoon, Russell returned looking smug, rather pleased with himself, full of restrained tension and anticipation. He was planning something.

"Okie dokie, let's go for a drive."

"I've told you, Russell, Dominic can't go in that sports car..." Ash replied.

She was rewarded with a cheesy grin. "Who said sports car?" Russell pointed outside the window. There was a solid Lexus 4x 4 with a baby seat in the rear parked outside. "You can hire any bloody thing, love - if you've got the money...!" he laughed.

Ash smiled and shook her head and together they sorted Dominic out. Russell didn't realise you couldn't just get up and go with a small child. He likened it to a military operation.

"OK. Where're we going?" Ash asked as he finally started up the engine and they pulled away.

"Surprise...! As long as I don't get fucking lost again," he muttered with a chuckle.

"Russell- no swearing- he copies everything..." Ash whispered and indicated Dominic who was staring out of the window pointing, excited by the big car and the prospect of a day out.

"Sorry... Jesus...that's gonna be tough..." he grinned.

"Jesus is out as well, sunshine." Russell rolled his eyes.

They drove into the country and Ash realised all at once that she knew the place but was not sure what on earth had possessed him to take them there. Parking up they strolled up the hill to where a new forest was being planted.

"Why are we here, Russ?" She looked about the silent countryside and recalled a day when legions had marched across this valley and trampled every inch underfoot. The day she had met him, the unlikeliest actor in the world with his beanie and jumper with holes.

"It's where it all began, love. Saw you there in your wellies with your pretty face and those scary eyes cutting me dead. Ya made my head spin. I knew I would never be the same again..."

Suddenly he knelt down and fingered some of the earth in a florid and derivative gesture.

"Stop pissing about, Russell," Ash giggled at his obvious Maximus parody. He smiled up at her and grabbed her hand.

"I don't know what to say, Ash. Now I'm here, I'm lost for words. I've forgotten the lines. I never do that, you know? Not on set. I always know my lines back to front. Wish I could say the same for my life..."

"...What are you rabbiting on about, Russell?" Ash caught his face in her hands. "Surely you didn't bring us up here to mess around and quote lines from Gladiator at me?" He shook his head and looked awkward, blushing slightly and taking her right hand in his tenderly.

"Marry me, Ash. Everything I have is yours. Come down the road with me this time. Please, Ash. Don't say no." Ash's eyes widened as she suddenly realised what he had said. She looked down on him as he knelt before her. All the reasons why she should say 'no' ran through her head. But she wasn't about to listen to her head this time. Even a broken heart seemed to talk more sense than her finely honed intellect.

"Yes. I'll go with you." Just like that, she had taken the step into the unknown aware that this might be the best or worst decision of her life, and knowing that it didn't matter either way. It was the only route she could choose.

"Yes? Will you come with me tomorrow? Fly to the States?"

"Yes."

"What about your job?'

"They can sue me," she giggled and he chuckled too.

"What about Dom? We need some emergency papers drawing up?"

"He's on my passport."

"What about the house, your family, your responsibilities?" Russell quizzed her methodically on all the former excuses.

"You're my only responsibility now. You and Dominic. Nothing else in the world, God help me!"

Russell stood up and held her in his arms, rocking backwards and forwards gently.

"... I forgot to give you this!" He pulled a small box out of his pocket and inside was a ring. The most beautiful ring that Ash had ever seen, in a box with a very famous name on it.

"God, this is so beautiful! It must have cost a fortune...!"

"A fucking bomb. Put it on then," he replied nonchalantly. She did.

"It fits! How did you know?"

"Pinched a ring from your jewellery box this morning. I'm not stupid, ya know!"

Ash suddenly looked serious. "Russ- what about the girlfriend? She has to be out of the picture, you know."

"Spoken to her already. Don't ask. Still a bit sore. It wasn't easy. But it's over... This ring...it's an engagement ring. It means you and I are committed to something for the future. But marriage is still a long way off. I know we mustn't act on some spur of the moment crazy emotional high. I want this to go down the line all the way - but it may not. We have to be realistic. But we are going to give it one hell of a chance, Ash...together. You, me and the little fella. Whatever happens...he comes first...trust me on that one, Ash? I'll never let him down. But you and me? By God, it isn't gonna be easy..."

Ash did trust him but not herself to speak. He was so right. They had to grab this chance, carpe diem, for if they did not at least try they would both regret it for their whole lives. Better to regret your mistakes than never even having the courage to try.

Dominic had watched the whole curious performance from his buggy but by now was beginning to feel bored, feeling left out of the proceedings. He suddenly shouted, "Dad!" Russell spun round and scooped him up, carrying him down to the slope of the hill to see the view. Ash watched them as he strolled along; it just looked so right to see him in Russell's arms. She observed him big and burly, blonde hair tied back carelessly in a rubber band, looking so very different from when she had known him as Maximus. Now she would have to adjust to this heavier fair haired lover. And all the other characters he slipped into from now on. Then she caught the tail end of what he was saying to his son.

"...Now down there is where your Dad took out an entire barbarian horde virtually single handed," she heard him say boastfully. Dominic just babbled on, basking in the complete attention of his Dad even if he had no clue as to what his father meant. Ash raised her eyes to heaven and shook her head at Russell's nonsense, her heart overwhelmed with the presence of the two of them in her life. What kind of madness was about to thunder down on them? How on earth would she cope? What would the world at large have to say about this latest turnabout in the life of the man everyone seemed to either love or hate. But there was no way out for her nor did she even want an escape route this time. Her bed was made and she certainly wanted to lie in it.

 Looking at the two most wonderful men in the world, knowing that they were hers, she made a vow:

'I will never let anyone harm you.'

And this time she meant to keep it.