Russell takes doctor's orders very seriously. He's told me I'm not to worry where the kids are concerned, and Mum and Dad, who pretty much come over nearly daily at one time or another anyhow, are taking over with assisting. Mum's also doing most of the cooking and the cleaning, which makes me feel guilty, but I'm tired and the last thing I want is to go into the hospital, like he said.

Besides, as Russ told me, "There've been times where you were the strong one for me, Liss, now let me be the strong one for you," and I also realize just how firmly he believes in our partnership. He's always been this sort of take-charge, alpha male type of bloke, but when it comes right down to us, the two of us give and take equally out of this marriage, always have, always will, and he respects and honors that. Even with my fierce independent streak, I do appreciate a bit of coddling now and again. So I let him make me cups of tea and give me back massages, pamper and love me.

We explain to Lily and Tyler that Mummy's very tired, from taking care of everyone and everything that's been going on. Without frightening them, Russell tells them that I will need to rest, so I don't become sick, and he's very careful to explain to Lil in particular that I'm not experiencing another crippling bout of depression as I did after giving birth to Tyler. We also emphasize that no, Mum's also NOT going to have another baby. Both children are sympathetic and very eager to do their part to help, especially in the care and entertainment of the two smaller children.

The vitamins and supplements the doctor gave to me are helping. I'm due to go back in a couple of days for a follow up. Last night, after helping Russell put the kids to sleep, something I've insisted on maintaining no matter how exhausted I am, I slept for twelve hours myself. Now, feeling refreshed and relaxed at mid-morning, I go off in search of my family. Jocelyn said she fed them all some time ago and she's ready to make me brekkie, but I'd rather see all of them first. She said Russell took all four children upstairs to their playroom.

I have to say, it's interesting, to say the least, when I let him take charge of our offspring. One never knows what one might find going on. Russell's a great dad, very doting and involved, but the scenarios I've walked in on sometimes defy description. Of course, however, the kids adore him and have an absolute ball with whatever he allows them to do.

When I open the door this time, it's to the infectiously melodious sounds of ABBA's "Dancing Queen" blaring in the background (fortunately we fairly soundproofed the playroom as well as our bedroom when the house was built, both for obvious reasons). Lil IS the Dancing Queen; she's enthusiastically hopping and bopping in time to the music. She's incongruously dressed in her red sparkly Mary Jane shoes, which she made me buy after watching The Wizard of Oz; turquoise and yellow leggings with a matching turquoise top, with one of her glittering pink and lavender princess/ballerina gowns over the top of this as well. She looks like a cheerful disco rainbow. On her head is one of her many bejeweled princess crowns. Nana obviously helped with her hair, as it's neatly parted down the middle and plaited into two braids on either side; to make the tiara fit, she pulled them up through the opening in the top so they flop on either side of her head.

Tyler is dancing along with her, inexplicably barefooted and without pants, in Spider-Man underwear and a footy shirt his dad got for him. He, for some reason I have yet to fathom, is wearing a midnight blue pointed wizard's hat on his head, adorned with big shiny silver stars. And, for whatever reason, he's dancing with a large stuffed green dinosaur. If I didn't actually recognize my children through all this odd finery, I'd think I was still asleep and having a sort of acid-tripping hallucinatory dream.

Jaden and Emily are both dressed normally; Jaden's sitting on the floor watching his brother and sister disco dance with glee. He's clapping his hands and babbling his version of the song. Russell's sitting in one of the huge beanbag chairs we keep in there for them, holding onto Em, who's standing between his knees, holding onto his fingers. Both of them are already rapid, expert crawlers and while they're barely reaching the seven month mark, are trying their best to attempt to stand and walk. Jaden can already sometimes pull himself upright if there's something sturdy to hang on to. Emmy's bouncing to the music. All four children are giggling uproariously, and it's the sweetest sound I've ever heard.

My husband's watching all of this with this big grin on his face and he looks completely, utterly happy. My heart takes a mental, emotional picture to keep always.

"Mommy!" My little wizard comes and hugs me 'round the knees; my princess is there, too, in a fluffy cloud of swirling tulle and spangles. The other two babble eagerly. And through it all is Russell, watching me with total joy and love. I couldn't ask for anything more.

We finally hear from Russell's lawyer that the so-called 'victim' finally agreed to a settlement. This means, of course, we end up paying him money, but at this point I don't even care. I just want this to be over and done with and for us to get on with our lives. We still have to go to the States but they've offered Russell a deal to plead guilty to a lesser misdemeanor charge. I hate the idea of him admitting guilt to anything but this would avoid the possibility of criminal felony charges and jail time, losing his right to work in the US, etc.

We realize belatedly that we are going to be gone when Lily starts school. Since both of us promised her we would be there to take her and pick her up, this presents a grave moral dilemma. After all this I know how much Russell hates to disappoint the children in any way, as do I, and we've always vowed that no matter what, we would be honest with them, as much as possible and to their level of understanding. So one night we finally tell her we need to speak with her. The twins have already been put down for the evening and we're sitting on the front porch swing, Tyler already sleeping in his dad's lap, with her in between us.

"You know, muffin, that we both told you we would go with you on your first day of school and be there to get you when your day there was finished," I tell her. She senses something's up and only nods. "Well, Daddy's going to have to go speak to the judge and won't be here when you start."

She looks at him. "That's okay, Daddy, I want you to fix things there so you can hurry and come back home," she says. 

Russell smiles at her. "Thanks, sweetheart...only, there's another problem we wanted to talk about with you."

She turns her attention to me. I say, gently, "Lil, I wouldn't even ask you this if I didn't think it was very important. But, I think I should go along with Daddy and I wanted to see if that would be all right with you if I did. So, I wouldn't be there with you, either."

"I want you to go with him, Mama." She looks back at her dad. "I don't want him to be lonely or scared." 

Russell kisses the top of her head. "That's very generous of you, angel. So, we thought that maybe you could wait until we came back, and start school then."

"No, I still want to go." Her response surprises us, a little. She looks him right in the eyes. "Daddy, if you can be brave, I can, too." 

Wow. Neither of us knows exactly what to say to that. I feel myself start to tear up a bit, and I can see the same reaction in my husband. He gives her a hug. "I'm proud of you for that, Lil."

Sleepily, Tyler tells us, "I'll go with Lily, so she's not scared n' lonely, either." Until that point, we didn't know he was awake and listening to the entire exchange. I'm touched again by the way our son is willing to step up and take on responsibility; be the 'little man' of our house. Russell ruffles his hair. "That's also rather brave of you, mate, but I think she'll be okay with you and maybe Nana or Papa taking her and bringing her back home," he says. Tyler's a little jealous that Lily's going to school; he knows his time will come, but they've been constant playmates and companions for his entire life and now she'll be away half of the day. He'll have the twins but I know for him, it won't be quite the same. "We'll come back as quick as we can," he promises.

Lily snuggles into his side. "I know you will," she answers, with a child's simple perfect faith. Somewhere along the way, we all lose that, and I'm sorry, because it's such an innocent place to be.

Since the time we need to go to New York is coming very quickly, I'm trying to get over my exhaustion so the doctor will LET me go. When I went for my follow up he assured me there was improvement but also told me he wasn't going to help me get better just so I could go with my husband to America and get hospitalized there for having a relapse.

I still tire easily; so I've taken to napping in the afternoon when the younger children do. Russell's taken it upon himself to then spend that free time alone with Lily, which I think she appreciates. He still feels somewhat guilty about not being there when she begins school and I think, too, he's trying so hard to spend some time with each child, letting them know they are each loved and cherished...just in fucking case. Sorry, but I long for everything with this whole sorry incident to be settled so we can go on living. I know that all of life is fragile, that every moment should be lived just in case, but lately, we're more conscious of that than ever, and it's begun to take its toll.

Today, I'm half awake when I feel someone next to me on the bed and open my eyes to see Russell laying Tyler down beside me. He looks drowsy and is clutching his old worn stuffed dog that he always takes with him to sleep. "Hey buddy..." I reach out and stroke his hair, glancing somewhat tiredly and quizzically at his father.

Russ leans over and kisses my cheek. "He wants to come lie down with you," he explains. "Says he'll sleep better with a snuggle." He smiles. "Told him I figured he's probably right about that one, I do, too."

I hold Tyler close and kiss his forehead. "That's fine," I say, comfortingly.

"All right." To our son, he tells him, "Now, if you wake and Mum's still asleep, I want you to get down off the bed real quiet and don't disturb her, okay?" Tyler nods sleepily and settles in against me, content.

"He's all right, honey." Russell kisses me again and just looks at us for a moment. "I love you both," he tells me quietly, and then he leaves us alone.

Tyler's already unconscious, snoring softly. I think he senses what we feel, and that this is beginning to rush to its inevitable conclusion, whatever that will be, and he needs reassurance and nurturing, too. I hug him to me and he burrows against me like a small puppy. I actually was going to get up, but my son needs me. So I lie there with him until I fall back asleep myself.

We were going to try to separate the twins, that is, to give them each their own room. Luckily before we invested some serious funds into a renovation of the existing nursery for one child and a brand new bedroom for the other, we found out that neither was happy being apart from each other. I suppose after all that time lodging together within my womb, they formed quite the bond. We bought another crib and tried moving first Em, then Jaden, into it in one of the spare bedrooms simply to even nap, but they'd fuss and cry until we put them back with one another. So we moved the extra crib into their familiar nursery for them to still share. This also was the cause of a bit of bother at first, but with both of them growing so much, they simply can't be comfy sharing one together any more. We positioned them so they can at least see each other while in there, and they went back to their usual cheerful state. Sometimes when going to fetch them, we've found them both either sitting there peering through the rails at each other, or standing up, babbling. It's sweet and funny and touching all at once.

Both Russell and I, and then we together, try to take time to be with each individually. Since before they were even born it's been all too easy to think of them as one unit, i.e. 'the babies' or 'the twins' as everyone refers to them. But now that they're older especially, they're developing their own special personalities and, as Russell says, becoming their own little people.

Emily will, I think, take after Lily. She's the youngest, and she loves being cared for by everyone. She's got a sweet, even temperament, and, I've noticed, is an observer. She quietly takes stock of what's going on around her, and like her big sister, absorbs it all in with this wisdom in her eyes. The phrase, "opposites attract" comes to mind, because she does adore Lil with all of her tiny heart, but she seems to be quite taken with Tyler. His rambunctious personality delights her; she finds his antics amusing. He often goes out of his way to make her laugh, which is endearing.

Jaden is neither a live wire like my older son or a sort of Zen-like soul like my daughters. He's got a persona all his own. He's very protective of Emmy. He also has a very creative streak within him that reminds me so much of his dad. He likes toys that you can take components of apart and put back together, and that sharp, analytical way of thinking speaks so much of Russell that it fascinates me. If Tyler will be my comedian, the girls my professors of philosophy, Jaden might become my rocket scientist or engineer. Or, despite Russell's urgings otherwise, a performer just like him, trying to figure out what makes a particular character tick. They're each unique and precious and I love them all so very much.

We're alone with the twins one afternoon; Lily and Tyler went to their grandparents' for the day. Despite my slight disappointment at not being pregnant again; despite my sadness my two youngest babies are growing up, when I watch them, like I am today, I'm so proud of their development. As Russell said, I do look forward to the little people they're turning into.

It's one of those quiet, reflective sorts of times that have been happening between us more and more, I suppose because the time for us to go to New York is coming quickly. I'd be lying to you if I said I wasn't frightened; although I feel fairly confident Russell's not going back to jail, I wonder what might happen, and how that will impact us all, especially the children. I know he's thought a lot about this, too, and that's why we're just sitting here watching the babies play, each kind of lost in our own thoughts and feelings.

Do I wish this whole thing never happened? Of course I do. I know he does, too. But, if I could go back in time knowing what I know now, I'd probably wish away our earlier marital troubles, my postpartum depression with Tyler, our miscarriage. There've been a lot of things that happened to us that I'd rather hadn't. Still, every one of those incidences, including the phone thing, no matter how painful or debilitating they were at the time to go through, have led us to where we are now, as a couple and as a family. So, asking if I'd change them, if I had the capability to, I'm not really sure. You know that saying, that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction? That's so true. Likewise, I'm convinced that for us, for every trial we go through, there's some great sweet reward on the other side.

I cover Russell's hand with mine, slide my fingers through his, feeling the warm comfort of his touch, the security of knowing he's there and he loves me. I can feel each line of tendon and muscle against mine, the calluses, the various nicks and scars, and smile. He once said, in an interview, he didn't have 'Hollywood hands', and I have to agree. They've seen hard work, been battered and bruised more times than either of us can probably count, but then, when he touches me or picks up our children, they're gentle and loving, too. He's a man of so many contradictions, so many facets, and I love each and every one of them.

Jaden and Emily are both sitting on the floor, each with a set of plastic links. To show you the difference in their individual personalities, as I'd explained earlier, Em is happily chewing on her set, whereas my young son is busily turning it this way and that, examining it with a small concentrated frown on his tiny face, as he attempts to figure out how they fit together. He knows there's a trick to it, but can't decipher exactly what it is.

Russell takes pity on his curiosity and leaves me to sit on the floor with him. I love, as I always have, watching him with our kids. There's a different dynamic he has with each of them. With Lily, he treats her almost as a contemporary; she's very insightful for her age and the two of them have long talks together and such. About life, he told me once, and I don't doubt that. Lily told me that it made her feel important her Dad would want to discuss things with her in that manner. She's his firstborn and his princess and they're very close.

With Tyler, he's got a definite Daddy/son relationship. Tyler's so bubbly and so amusing and I think it fascinates Russell to no end. Me, too; I love to hear his little mind in action, and he's such a loving child, despite all his humor. When we've struggled over this entire incident, he's been the one to make us laugh and remind us of the bright side of life, and I appreciate that so much in him.

With the twins, as with the older two when they were infants, I delight in watching my husband show them the world. I love seeing them together, discovering things that we older people take for granted. He's got so much love for them, and I love his capacity for seeing things through their eyes.

Jaden hands him the links, knowing his dad will unlock this deep mystery for him. Carefully and slowly, Russell shows him how, with a slight twist and a tug, they come apart. Then he hands him each individual piece and comes back to sit beside me, after giving him and his sister a kiss.

I see Jaden's eyes light up at having his problem finally solved. Then, there's a new one as he realizes Daddy took them apart but didn't put them back. He looks at each half in either hand, then, with his little frown back in place, looks at his dad as if to say, "Now, what am I supposed to do with THESE?". We both laugh. The scowl gets more pronounced as he holds each part out to Russell. Emily just sits there, still joyfully gumming her set, watching him like, "What's YOUR problem?"

"Can't figure it out, son?" Daddy's back on the floor with the twins, and as he takes the halves from Jaden, both of them crawl up to him, leaning against either knee, watching intently as he hooks them back together. I smile wider as Em looks at her brother as if she can't figure out why on earth he would have wanted them taken apart in the first place.

Jaden takes the links back from his father, smiles as he realizes he fixed them again, then looks concerned once more when he realizes he still can't take them apart on his own. Russell laughs and scoops him up into his lap, Emily right there alongside. "Can't have it both ways, mate, you'll soon be able to do it all by yourself, though."

Finally, the baby decides enough is enough for one day and like his sister, simply happily pops part of it in his mouth. 

As I have so many times since this whole miserable incident unfolded, I watch my husband, head bent low over the children, talking quietly to them both, and I wonder how anyone can say he's rough and uncaring. They don't know him like I do.

They don't love him like I do, either.

He wakes, at first unsure of where he is or whether or not he is dreaming. He's done that often enough; after all, when you travel as much as he does, there's always a moment or two that it takes one to acclimate to one's surroundings. Then, he becomes aware of the familiarity of his own bed, his own pillow, and most importantly, his wife still soundly sleeping within his arms. This is reality at its best.

They're like they always are, the two of them; with her tucked into him, her back against his front, with his arms snug around her, her hands over his, and his face buried in the silky tangle of her hair. He can feel her heart beating and his own, the quiet rhythm of her breathing, and it gives him a sense of peace unlike anything else he's ever known.

With the turmoil their lives have been lately, it's good to feel this serenity. It makes him feel, that at least for awhile, everything is good. He's found a safe place to fall, a soft place to just be, and it's right here with her in his embrace.

Just to remind himself things are truly real, he cuddles her a little closer, gently pushing against her, and feels her even in her sleep respond by wriggling in response. It would be so easy right now to turn her onto her back, to simply slide inside of her, feel her welcome him in, in that hazy place between true wakefulness and slumber. He wants to. Oh, how he wants to. But, too, he's content to merely hold her, at least for now.

He's back to sleeping in the nude, something he hasn't done for awhile, but now with all four children able to sleep completely throughout the night, he's gone back to that. You'd never know when you'd be called upon in the middle of the night or early morning, to go to a child's room for comforting or cajoling back to sleep. Or when, sometimes, the two of them would find one or more curled up between them like warm, squirmy puppies. No, he's been careful with that, ever since Lily was old enough to comprehend what was going on, up to the twins, who now make it entirely through without a single wake up call.

She, on the other hand, usually sleeps in one of his old shirts, the flannel so worn with wear that it's butter-soft to the touch, the colours blended into a sort of indistinguishable murk. He carefully slips his hands up, cradling her breasts through the faded fabric, feeling them soft and heavy in his palms.

Liss sighs, scooting in even closer to him, and he wonders for a moment if she's really awake. No, she's still sound asleep. From the very beginning, from the moment he met her, he felt like a different person when he looked into her eyes. As if through all of the rumours and lies that his life had become, the reality of who and what he was could be seen, there, when he looked at her. He still feels that way around her. She is his truth. They all are. When he's here, with all of them, at home, nothing else is important, because this is the very essence of himself. She sees him without stars in her eyes, with nothing but honesty and understanding. She sees the real him, and even though he came to her with a lot of baggage, even though he asked so much of her in the way she would now have to live her life and handle things, she still accepts him, every day, just as he is. The reality of him is sometimes so much more unimpressive than the fantasy; but always, from that first moment, she saw the person he was, still is, inside, and that means more to him than he can ever express. He tries, every day, to show her, at least. God, how he tries. She's his anchor and his strength; when she told him, there on national telly, that he was her heart, he feels the same for her.

He hadn't known how empty his life was, until Lissy and then, the children, were there to fill it up, and then he realised what he had been missing. Not that he's been thinking of giving up the day job. There're still plenty of challenges out there, things to explore and create, and she understands how important that is to him. But he knows now that it's not what defines him and makes him who he is. She and those four little ones are his number one priority in life.

They've been through a lot together, and, he has to admit, each time they've come through something, it's made them stronger than ever before. That's how he knows this is real. 'Cause some of it would've driven a lesser woman away for sure; god knows he's done more than his share of it, this last one being the most spectacularly stupid and devastating one yet. She believes in him, though, and that's what matters. As long as he's got Liss on his side, he can find his way back. He can find his way, period.

She stirs then, turning over in his arms, and sleepily opens her eyes to gaze into his. She's got beautiful eyes; they're dark and he's immediately lost within them. Then she smiles at him with such wonder and such love, that it takes his breath away. Every single time, after all these years.

"I want you," she tells him, reaching for him. And she opens her arms to him, her body and her heart, and welcomes him in, just as he's known she would. Just as she always has, just as she always will. He feels blessed because of that.

Over breakfast, I ask Russell softly, "What were you thinking about?"

He's reading the newspaper and glances up. "When?"

"When we..." I'm suddenly very aware of the presence of our children, and amend, blushing just a bit, "when we woke up early this morning. It was like an otherworldly experience." Not that our making love isn't always special. But this time, it was on some other entire plane altogether. The physical part of it wasn't what mattered; I could feel us connecting very deeply emotionally, and though that's how it usually is, it was so tangible this particular time it brought tears to my eyes.

"Made you see stars, did I?" he grins. I give him a warning look. 

"Stars don't come out in the morning, Dad," Tyler says, between wholeheartedly delving into bacon and eggs. I then give my husband a 'see?' sort of look.

He looks at Lily, ever my helper, who's busily feeding Emily, Tyler who's happily shoveling brekkie in, and then me, who's trying to feed Jaden. Jaden being Jaden, he's trying to reach for the spoon every chance he gets, intent on feeding himself. I wrest it away from him for about the hundredth time, and when he opens his mouth to protest, like a mama bird, I efficiently pop the spoonful of cereal in it.

He smiles. "How very much I love all of you," he tells me.

"We love you, too, Daddy," Lily says, and Tyler nods, for once unable to speak because his mouth is full. I lean over and kiss him. "I love you," I tell him, my hand caressing his cheek.

My youngest son takes advantage of my momentary lapse of watchfulness, grasps the spoon firmly in his fist, and tugs it towards him. Luckily it was empty, but he almost smacks himself in the face with it before I take control of it again.

"Jaden Michael Crowe!" I chastise. Tyler helpfully tells his little brother, from much personal experience, "If Mama uses all THREE of your names, that means you gots in a LOT of trouble." The baby grins at his dad, who laughs, and we all join in. But Russell exchanges a very personal, private look with me, and I know we both know what the other is thinking and feeling and remembering. We've still got that deeply emotional connection between us and it's not ever going to go away.

All too soon, the time has come for us to leave and head to America so my husband can face the music, so to speak. Lily's first day of school is going to be in a couple of days, soon after we arrive there, and I'm still worried about her facing something so momentous without either of us there. Although, since we told her about it, she's reassured both of us more than once that she will be fine. I think about her poise, her innate wisdom and her sweet, caring spirit, and I think she will be. I remember her courage in various times in her young life, when I had such difficulty after Tyler came, and then, when I had the scare with Jaden and Emmy before they were born, when Russell wasn't at the house and I had to rely on her to go get me help. She's so strong and such a fighter, and if there's any fear or hesitation on her part, she's keeping it well hidden from us, but I suspect there isn't any.

The twins are in their somewhat clingy and protective phase, and while I'm sure they'll cope just fine with their grandparents as they have in the past, we say our goodbyes to them while they're still asleep early one morning. I know Russell's mind is filled with a ton of stuff right now, as is mine, and if we had to deal with either or both crying as we left them, it'd be incredibly tough to take.

It's just as difficult to leave the older two, even though they have more of an understanding about why we're going and what is happening. We didn't wake them, but somehow, they managed to get up themselves as we're getting ready to go.

We tell them the usual things, to be good, mind their grandparents, and get along with one another. I reassure Lily once more. "Daddy and I will call when we get there, and then, we'll call you after you've had your first day, to make sure things went well."

"It'll be okay, Mum." She gives me a huge hug. "Take care of Daddy and make sure he'll be all right." 

I smile because it's my only alternative to crying at her concern. "I sure will, muffin, I promise." 

"I know he'll take care of you," she explains. "But I worry 'bout him, sometimes." 

Kissing her, I tell her, "He'll be just fine, Lil. I'll see to that." 

He was busy talking to his parents and didn't hear this conversation. We exchange a conspiratorial sort of look between us as only a mother and daughter can.

Tyler tells me with absolute confidence, "I'm gonna take care of everybody, Mommy." 

I'm positive he will and although it still moves me almost to tears, I kiss and hug him as well. "I'm counting on you to, sweetie." 

Russell does overhear this, and ruffles his son's hair. "Mind things for us, mate, and we'll be back soon." 

I'm finishing loading things in the car when I realize he's not right there. Turning, I notice him talking in earnest to Tyler, kneeling so he's at his level. I can't hear what he's saying, but Tyler's listening intently. Then he smiles at our son, kisses and hugs him tight. After that, it's Lily's turn. I stand there quietly observing the two of them. As her dad talks to her, Lily's nodding, agreeing with whatever he's telling her. He reaches one hand and strokes her hair, and then he cradles her face in both big hands, kissing her, before she wraps her arms around him and gives him a hug as well.

It's beautiful and tender and poignant all at once. Coming to me, he gives me a quick hug and a kiss as well. I can see the emotions clearly burning deep in his eyes. "Ready?" he asks.

I nod and with a final goodbye to our family, we head off into the unknown. 

The trip to the US is long, tiring, and blessedly uneventful. We decided to get there a bit early just to have some time to ourselves again, settle a little, and prepare. Russell's court date is the day after Lily's first day of school. After we discussed it, he's decided to plead to the lesser misdemeanor charge in order to avoid a trial and dragging this on any further. We're not sure what the penalty will be but he won't face the possibility of jail time, and he won't be banned from the country. I'm still upset that he's going to admit guilt to anything, but I understand his desire to finish this once and for all, and I'm grateful he's trying to spare us any additional stress or heartache.

He's been so quiet and reflective, but somehow I don't feel shut out anymore, I feel that we're united in this together. He's proven in the past that when the crisis has been one of mine, we're both equally committed to facing it together. I know that deep down he still must feel badly or even guilty about what this has brought upon the children, his parents, and me, but I think with all the talking and all the efforts we've made as a family, all of us, it's brought him more to terms with it. We will get over this, and then we will go on. It's as simple, and maybe even as complex, as that.

When we get in, we call home, as soon as it's a decent hour, always aware as we are of the time differences. I've learned almost as quickly as Russell how to adapt to wherever we are, with relative ease. The times we've traveled with the kids, it's a little more difficult for them, but the key is normalcy, or the sense thereof. Lily gets the idea that some places are far away, and while it's daytime where she is, it might be night for someone else, but Tyler still thinks of the world as one big yet cozy place where we all get along and we're all in the same time zone. I know the real world is encroaching more and more on their lives and their own small world with us, but I'd like to keep his charming innocent mentality for as long as possible. I think with what's happened to Russell, he's unfortunately beginning to realize that not everyone is good and that there are bad things out there. Tyler being who he is, though, he's determined to combat that with his own brand of humor and kindness, and I think the world would be a better place with more people like him. I AM prejudiced as his mom, but there you are.

Hearing their voices from so far away, still happy to talk to us and be close to us that way, I miss them so badly, and I understand now with starling clarity how it must have been for Russell when he was here last. Then he didn't even have me, he was by himself, and I comprehend the level of abject loneliness he must have felt. Not that this still excuses what happened, but I can so clearly see what he must have been going through at the time.

When he disconnects after passing the phone back to me so I can tell them I love them one final time for now, he notices the look on my face. "We'll be back in no time, sweetheart," he promises.

"It's not just that." Hesitating just a moment, because I don't want to dredge up anything painful for him, I tell him my thoughts on being away and being lonely. I want him to know that I truly do understand. I mean, I'm sure he knew that from before, but now that I'm feeling it, even on a slightly lesser scale, I want to be sure he gets that I get it, too. I think our lives are so full, with each other and with our children, and with his career and all, there've been times we've been apart and just dealt with it, but I want more than ever for my husband to realize that no matter where he is and what he's doing, he's not alone, never has been, and never will be. Ever.

He listens, and then without a single 'told you so', just holds me close. "I'm glad you're here," he tells me. 

Slightly indignant, I pull away enough to look at him. "Of course, I'd be here...what do you take me for, some kind of insensitive bitch that'd throw you out there to the wolves alone?"

Now he grins and I see hints of his other totally irreverent self. "Well, don't mince words on my account, Liss," he teases.

"I want the world to know how much I support you. With all the shit and trash talking that's been going on from the start...I want them all to know how much I love you."

"That's admirable, love, but I'd like you just to tell me."

I nuzzle against him where the front of his shirt falls open. "You know how I feel about you; I'd have to say that's been highly apparent on more than one occasion, if not every single day of your life."

He nuzzles me back, in the spot that always makes me shiver. "I know, but tell me anyway." 

Our eyes meet. "I love you," I tell him.

Lowering his face to mine, he takes my mouth with his, in a very slow and thorough kiss that lasts for several minutes and takes my breath away. When we part, I absolutely love the look on his face and will treasure it forever. "I love you, too," he says.

It's hard being at a different time than my children, because pretty much as we're waking in New York City, they're getting ready for bed back home. We call Lily as soon as we can when we know she's had her first day of school. Both of us slept like shit knowing that while we were trying to, she was experiencing a whole bunch of new things without us. We've both been entirely proud of our children and their accomplishments; walking, talking, etc, but Lil's paving the way for the others in this regard, and I'm feeling separation anxiety more than ever from my eldest daughter.

She comes right on and I can hear her bright, sunny tone even from several thousand miles away. "Hi, Mum. Hi, Daddy." 

We've put her on speaker so we can both hear and speak to her at the same time. "How was it, angel?" Russell wants to know.

"Oh, Daddy, I had so much fun! I made friends today." 

"You did?" He gives me a 'see? I told you so' kind of expression. "That's terrific, sweetheart."

"I have my own desk. And I got to help pass out paper!" I smile. "I'm so happy for you, muffin." 

"Nana and Papa and Tyler and the twins were all there for me after. I didn't even have to wait for them to get me, so I wasn't scared. We got an apple and I saved it for Tyler, 'cause I know he likes 'em." I'm touched she'd still remember her little brother, left behind.

"Did you wear your new outfit?" We'd picked it out beforehand, down to the underwear and shoes, and I'd carefully helped her lay it out so she could get ready. Daddy helped her pack her backpack, and we both felt she was as prepared as could be, but still, I'm so relieved to hear everything went well and she's happy.

"Yep, and Nana helped with my hair." For only having had two boys, Jocelyn is very good at fixing little girl's hair. I'll bet she looked adorable. "We took lots of pictures so you can see."

"I'm glad." 

"Are you scared to go speak to the judge bloke, Daddy?" Her terminology makes me smile even as I'm reminded of why we're here. 

"A little," Russell tells her. "But I think it will be all right." 

"You've got Mum to look after you," she reminds him, practically. He smiles at this and looks at me. "Yeah, I'll do fine with your Mummy, now, won't I?"

"You just tell him you're sorry, Dad." This from Tyler, who I imagine barely popped in; otherwise we'd have heard him long before this. 

"Yes, sir!" Russell gives the phone a mock salute, even though they can't see him. 

"That's what you're 'posed to tell him, Daddy," Lily chimes in. "You're 'posed to be 'SPECTFUL, right?"

"Absolutely right." We smile at each other. At least we've brought up polite, 'spectful' children. 

"Will you call when you know Daddy's not goin' to jail?" This from our son. 

"Daddy's not going to jail," I tell them firmly. "But yes, we'll call when we know it's all finished. Although we'll have to wait, because it'll be nighttime for you and you'll both be asleep."

"You can still call us." This from Lil. 

"Nope, and you're not to stay up either, bugging Nana and Papa, because we won't be calling until it's a good time to talk to everyone." This from Russell, who has the final say and both kids realize this. "You'll just have to trust that everything will be okay, and things will work out." He's looking at me as he says this, his message loud and clear. Trust me. Believe in me. Believe in us. I let him wrap his arms around me and snuggle me close.

With her intuitiveness, Lily tells us both, "You should have a bunnymoon while you're there, it'll make you both feel better." 

I know she thinks it's nothing more than having a cuddle, but it still makes me blush a bit all the same. "We'll have to see about that, sweetie."

"I think that's a wonderful idea," my husband tells her, with a devilish gleam in his eye. "We love you and we'll call again soon, all right?"

"Okay!" Both of them chorus, "Love you lots!" 

They disconnect and then he gazes at me. "You heard her." 

Mmm...I told you we have exceptionally brilliant children.  :)