First Day and Night Home with Mum and Dad

Yesterday, my entire life changed forever. Lissy gave birth to our first child, a tiny, perfect, sweet baby girl we named Liliana Jade, or Lily for short.

Well, not really our first child. We lost the first one we were expecting, and it was one of the hardest things we've ever had to face together. We didn't do too good of a job at the 'together' part, either. I took it really bad; it nearly broke the two of us up, and then, through the midst of it all, we created Lily. After we managed to patch things up, finding out that this little girl was about to enter our lives was the best news we could have imagined.

Liss came through labour and delivery with flying colours. She went through about six or so hours of it, which is great for a first time out; my understanding through reading all sorts of pregnancy and childbirth books was that it usually takes a bit more time than that. Not for my girl, though. Lissy's tough, a fighter, and she brought Lily into the world just fine, though after watching her go through all of it, any others we might have will be strictly up to her. It was hard seeing her in any sort of pain at all.

They pretty much only let you stay in hospital twenty-four hours, unless there's something that requires a bit longer visit, but both are doing well, so this afternoon, we're taking baby Lil home for the first time. Lissy's family and some of her very close friends are here from the States, and later we're to have a celebration at my mum and dad's.  For a short while, though, it'll be the three of us, getting used to life together as a brand-new family. Liss and I were a family before, but now that we have a little one, it kind of changes the dynamics of things.

Not that Lily will upset any sort of balance with us. In fact, she seems to be the part that truly completes both of us, it isn't like we were lacking before, but somehow, with her here, it makes what Lissy and I shared before so much richer. She's barely become a part of our lives, but I can feel the difference already.

And I can see the change in Liss. Ever since I came home and she told me we were expecting the baby, I saw how peaceful she became, how much more centred she seemed to be. Even throughout all that she experienced yesterday, giving birth to the baby, she was so focused and almost serene. It humbled me to watch her.

Now, as we enter the house, me with the baby's carrier and both her and her mum's bags, Lissy with Lily tucked in her arms, I get the feeling of heading off into a great, frightening, wonderful unknown. It's exciting and terrifying all at once. I've had all sorts of major highs in my life, professionally and personally, and I can tell you that what I'm feeling right now doesn't even begin to compare. This small person looks to me as her dad, for guidance and security, and whereas realising that I'm a matched partner to my wife but entirely responsible for my daughter, kind of makes me jittery, it also makes me look forward to what life has in store for all of us.

"This is your home, muffin," Liss tells Lil. The baby's awake, trying to take everything in with her big brown eyes, same as her mummy. She's the very image of Lissy, something that pleases me immensely. I set everything down and we begin the grand tour, Liss talking to her all the while, describing the key points of each room and what she should expect in living with us. I just go with them, my arm around Lissy's waist, listening to her spiel with a mixture of amusement and much deeper emotion. This is the first full day of Lily's life in the big, wide world, and it's a momentous occasion.

"And this is Daddy's office," Liss says. It's the only room in the house where I allow the day job to penetrate. I don't spend a lot of time in here, only when I have to, as when I'm here, especially with her, and now, our child, I don't really feel that that's even a big part of who I really am. I stand there and watch as Lissy points things out to Lily. "Here's all of Daddy's awards...see, aren't they shiny and pretty? We're VERY proud of him, you know."

"Liss...don't," I protest, but without even a pause, she goes on, looking right at me, "But we love him just because he's Daddy." She smiles and I come to her and kiss her, Lil waving a fist as if in approval.

"I love you," she tells me. 

"I love you, too," I respond, including both of them in my reply. Lily, bored with awards and overt affection, makes a small sound that jerks us back to the present, with a laugh. "OK, we'll finish and then put you down to sleep," Lissy promises, as we move upstairs.

We spend the most time in Lily's room. Fixed it all up myself, well, with help from my brother, but the essence of it is purely my wife's doing. It's pink and girly and a dream room for any little girl. The two of us show her absolutely everything about it, from the furniture to the toys to the clothes we picked out for her together, and through it all she watches as if she completely understands. But she's drifting off, so soon we go to our own room, where Liss lays her down in the centre of the bed, the two of us lying on either side of her, just gazing at her with more than a bit of pride and admiration.

"She's so beautiful," Lissy whispers, and I have to agree. We've spent plenty of time over the last day or so looking at every minute detail of her, and even so, I still can't believe when I look at her that the two of us actually created this small girl, that she's a definite part of us. She's tiny; of course, when she was inside of Liss, I'm sure her mum didn't think so, and towards the end there, I was getting concerned; Lissy's not a large or tall woman and when you'd look at her straight on, all you'd notice was the baby. But, now that she's here, she seems so fragile, every little feature miniaturized. For the most part, she looks like Liss, but I can see bits of me in her, too and I only hope to God her personality will be like her mummy's as well, otherwise heaven help her later on.

She's still got her arms and legs tucked up close against her body, like she was in Lissy's womb; her hands knotted into fists. Unfurled, one of them, from her wrist to the tip of her longest finger, is only as long as one of my own fingers, her feet so tiny Liss can cup one in the palm of her hand. Poor little miss, good thing she's asleep; we've spent so much time examining her from head to toe that I'm sure she's wondering what mental sort of parents she's been given to. This way, we can gaze to our heart's content and she's none the wiser.

"I still can't believe she's finally here," I murmur. She was two days late, and after months and months of anticipation, imagining and wondering what this would be like for us, to now have it as reality takes some getting used to.

"Me, neither." Liss runs a hand over the slighter swell of her belly; she still looks pregnant but not as full as with Lily inside of her. I can see, despite the elation and the excitement in her eyes that she's pretty tired, and for at least the next while, we'll be getting up in the middle of the night with the baby to feed her. I don't anticipate sleep playing a big factor in our lives for a bit, unless we both steal it in snatches like right now. We're not due at Mum and Dad's for at least three more hours, and if we're extremely lucky, Lil will sleep for most of it, so I convince Liss to move the baby over into the bassinette we have in here with us, then she snuggles against me, in my arms, and we both fall soundly and contentedly asleep.

Lil wakes us up with just enough time for Lissy to feed and change her and then for the both of us to sort of make ourselves less rumpled and more presentable. When we arrive there, it's obvious who the guest of honour is, and it's not me or my wife, although we do get credit for bringing her over.

Immediately, the baby leaves us to make the rounds amongst all of our family, though we don't mind. All of us, after the utter heartbreak that Liss and I went through with the miscarriage before, have waited for and wanted Lily for such a long time. And, as always, when we're all together like this, here at home, it's easy to feel the complete circle of love that envelops us.

Lissy, too, I know, is happy to have her own side of the family here with us to share in our joy, and some of her special, close friends. Though it was just me in the room with her when she delivered Lily, they were all waiting right there outside, and saw the baby just scant minutes after her birth. This girl is very loved by everybody, and I think she loves all of us right back. She doesn't fuss a bit when passed from one person to the next, although I notice whenever Liss or I speak, she perks up, trying to find us amid everybody else with her huge dark eyes. 

Over supper, when the baby fusses in her carrier and Lissy turns her attention from the meal to our daughter, Terry jokes, "Best be getting used to that, mate; now you're gonna be coming in second place for awhile."

"That's all right," I say, honestly, but my wife turns to me and looks at me with that look she usually reserves for our private times together. She smiles and I know there're still some things I'm in first place for. Since Lily, our love has only grown; as Lissy's middle expanded, I could feel my love increase to include the baby without diminishing in any way the feelings I feel for Liss. And I know that she knows this.

"Russell's my heart," she tells everybody simply. "And Lily's my soul. But, there's more than enough room for everyone." 

I lean over to kiss her and despite the utter sappiness of the moment, they all sigh their appreciation. 

Despite the pleasure we take at being with our loved ones, both of my girls are rather sleepy. I reckon, from Lily's perspective, that being born takes a great deal out of you; and from Lissy's, giving birth isn't like going on holiday, either. Lil wasn't a particularly big kid; her birth near textbook-perfect and uncomplicated, but after I witnessed the entire process, I can assure you that they don't call it labour for nothing. So after visiting for a while, I tell everyone it's time to take them home, see how our first night together goes.

Lissy's mum offers to come stay with us, to help out, but Liss gently refuses; she insists on caring for her all by herself. Well, with my help; that's what I'm here for, both of us partners in caring for our child. Before she was born, Liss also told me she didn't want a nanny, as a lot of celebrity couples do; she said if circumstances were different, and we were just an average couple trying to make ends meet, we'd expect to handle it on our own, and just cause we can afford one doesn't mean that she wants to do that. She's fiercely opinionated and independent. When Lil gets a little bigger and I go back to making movies, she might need some help, but for right now, she's right; I'd rather it be the two of us learning to be parents alone. I've heard all these ridiculous horror stories about these privileged children who're more attached to the help than to their own mums and dads, and that's not going to happen here. The way I look at things, we created Lily together, we worked with each other to bring her into this world, and I plan to be here for each and every milestone along the journey of her life. Don't see what the point is in having children if you're not gonna BE there for them, you know?

When we get home, we get settled, Lissy on our bed with Lily to feed her one last time before we put her down to sleep. She's been pretty good, already sort of on a schedule, about every three or four hours or so. It's all still new to me, but Liss has taken to it with ease, this parenthood thing.

I sit beside them, Lily snug in the crook of her Mummy's arm, contentedly suckling, her big eyes slowly opening and closing as she's beginning to get sleepy. Liss bends over her to kiss her forehead and then she looks at me, smiling. "What?" she asks softly.

"What?" I answer back. I reach with one hand, under the fall of her hair, and gently caress the nape of her neck. 

"You're thinking. I can practically hear the gears turning in your head," she teases, and I lean over to kiss her temple. "It's just amazing." 

"She is, isn't she?" Liss looks back at Lily, whose eyes are now closed; she's released Lissy's nipple, her rosy lips still milky and reflexively working, as her mum holds her up against her shoulder and rubs her back.

"Yeah...but I was thinking 'bout you, love. How you can give her life, and sustain it...that's incredible, you know. A miracle." 

Lil lets out a burble and then is fast asleep. I lift my hand and stroke her downy head. Liss sighs with utter happiness. She was truly made to be a mother. "You're right, although women do it all the time, so I never really thought of it that way, I suppose."

I look into her eyes. "You're the one that matters, angel." 

Her expression turns shimmery; she reaches with one hand to cradle my face and kisses me as I hug her close. The two of them are a miracle to me. My miracle. And I couldn't be happier, or love them any deeper than I already do.

I'm roused from a deep sleep in the middle of the night, just as beside me I can feel Lissy stir. Lily's started to fret in the bassinette close to the bedside; and as Liss reaches to turn our lamp on low, she lets out a sustained wail that begins to grow in intensity. I hate the sound of her crying; although I know that for right now, it's her only means of communication, knowing that something's troubling her tugs at my heart. Guess it's the protective dad in me coming out in full force.

When Liss would get out of bed to go get her, I stop her. "I'll bring her over," I tell her, and there's a lull for a split second as Lily hears the deep tones of my voice, then she picks right up where she left off. Lissy stretches and sits up, albeit rather groggily, smoothing her hair back with one hand and wiping at her tired, sleepy eyes with the other. "They all said this part of it was a killer," she mumbles, although she smiles at me. "You note, I'm not fighting you on who gets her first." But she calls out softly, "Daddy's on the way, muffin," making Lil pause for a moment at her tone, too.

When I get there, she's waving all four arms and legs, her face all screwed up in an angry, frustrated cry, but as soon as I touch her, she calms, her eyes struggling to focus on me. "Yeah, you know who's got you, don't you?" I tell her, grinning as she responds with a small gurgle. "And you know I'll take you straight to Mum. That's what's REALLY got you all excited to see me." I carefully slide my hands under her lifting her up, then tucking her against me I bring her to Liss, who holds her immediately to her breast. Lily latches on eagerly, fiercely, with an intensity that makes her Mummy jump and flinch slightly as I chuckle. "She's a right greedy one," I comment.

"She's a growing girl," Liss corrects. "She'll be walking and talking before we know it. Then you'll really be sorry." 

Actually, I look forward to that, every inch the proud papa that I am. "That'd be great," I joke. "Rather than all the chaos, we can have her politely say, "Excuse me, Mum, Dad? I'm hungry, please."

Liss nudges me in the side. "This works for now, though, doesn't it, Lily?" she croons to our daughter. There isn't anything in the world that I wouldn't try to do for this child. And even though Lissy's got the exclusive rights in this part of it, it's only fair that I'm awake too, to at least help in the nurturing, loving part of it all. I wouldn't miss this, either, even though it's terribly early in the morning/late at night and both of us are plainly exhausted. It's one of those small things that I cherish, that in future I'll remember every speck as much as the major ones.

I love being a daddy. 

First Bath

Everything with baby Lily is exciting and new. I'm sure Liss and I will muck through some aspects of being parents to her, but she's so forgiving and understanding as she tries to learn about being our daughter, too. We're all three going through this together, and though we're bound to make mistakes, each day brings something wondrous, a new discovery for us as well as for her.

We've had her for about a week, and we've decided to try to give her a real bath for the very first time. Liss has sort of sponge-bathed her, but today we're going to try it all-out in her little plastic tub. Of course, this is another one of those great moments that'll only come once; so besides being Lissy's official assistant, as usual, I'm also playing the role of family photographer. I reckon since she was born I've probably taken hundreds of photos of her. But, Lily's used to a paparazzi of one, usually she'll quietly oblige, although I have to wonder what she's thinking.

I've got her cradled against my chest, trying to stay well out of my wife's way while she prepares everything for this special occasion. And I can tell Liss is nervous, although thus far, I've felt I've been the more anxious of the both of us. Lil, as always, just takes it all in with those huge eyes of hers.

"I don't know how much water to put in," she grumbles. After much debate, we decided to do it in our own bathroom; filling her tub from ours and then bathing her on the countertop. I suggested the kitchen sink but Liss didn't like that idea much, although it'd have probably ended up being a hell of a lot easier. She looks up at me as if I've done this even once before.

"Well, you don't want to drown her," I answer practically. 

"I'm afraid I'll either scald or freeze her," is Lissy's next worry. 

"She's a hell..." my voice trails off as I see her disapproving look; "...an awful lot more sensitive than either of us. Lukewarm would be my guess."

Liss turns the water on, adjusts the temperature, then sticks Lily's tub underneath only long enough to collect just a few centimetres of bathwater. Lil looks to me as if to say, Well, that's interesting; can you imagine that? I kiss her and she wrinkles her small nose just a bit at my beard tickling her; then she tries to focus once more on what her mum's fixing to do.

Lissy's got the tub all ready, and she holds out her arms for the baby. "Do you want to hold her or wash her?" she asks, as she begins undressing Lil. I can't resist reaching for the camera and taking a quick shot of her. She makes a sassy face. "You're not making me do this alone," she warns.

"You're not gonna hurt her, sweetheart," I reassure. For all her tiny delicateness, this child's pretty resilient and I think she's gonna handle a bath just fine. "We can take turns," I add, as Liss finishes taking the rest of Lil's clothes off and holds her just over the water. Lily, unused to the sensation of being completely starkers, kicks her feet slightly and looks at us like, Get on with it already!  Liss takes a deep breath and carefully eases her into the water.

I have to get off a few more shots before moving in to help. Lil at first is kind of startled at the feel of the water on her bare skin, even though she spent a full nine months swimming about inside of her mum. Then she must remember, because she relaxes and settles as I carefully bathe her.

When we've got her like this, you can really see how sweet and beautiful she is. She doesn't fuss, doesn't fight, just lies there in Lissy's hands and lets me wash her. In fact, I think she actually enjoys this. She's making her soft little noises, her eyes alight with wonder.

Finally, Liss says, "My turn!" and we switch, enjoying the novelty of Lily's first real bath. I think we're getting as much out of this as she is. Maybe even more.

When she's all nice and clean, Liss lifts her out and wraps her up in one of her hoodie towels while I indulge in taking more photos of the two of them. And we're over another one of those 'first' hurdles, well on our way to becoming Experienced Mum and Dad.

First Smile

Another week or so after Lil's first real bath come another one of those special moments to cherish. They're arriving fast and furious now, one right after another as our little girl grows and begins to become more and more aware of the world around her. And I know Lissy and I both lock each one away in our hearts to remember always.

Both of us know we're not the first couple to have a child, and we definitely won't be the last; hell, we've done a bit of talking and Lily won't be the last for us, for sure; we want to try for another when she gets somewhat older; but we're firmly convinced ours is the brightest, most amazing and intelligent little one out there. I was positive she smiled at me that first day of her life, there in the hospital; though my mum and Lissy's both said that she couldn't possibly have just yet, and we've both felt that she has many times over since, but today's the first time I KNOW, for certain, that she is.

Liss is fixing brekkie in the kitchen, me reading the paper, and Lily's in her swing, lazily rocking back and forth. She loves that thing; could sit in it for hours, gently lulling her to sleep. We even went out and bought one to keep at my parents' house; because she loves it so much. She's awake today, though, just looking about her while she moves. Now, personally, I'd get seasick, but not Lil. She's content and happy. While her mummy is busy, I'm in charge of making sure it never stops, making sure she remains peaceably entertained.

She's right beside me and as she comes forward, towards me, I brush my fingertip across the bottom of her bare foot, tickling her as she swings back. The first time I do this, she appears surprised, her head abruptly turning to try to focus on me. We read at this young age, they really can't see too far, but she knows good and well that the big shape is her Dad and the smaller one her Mum. See, told you she was brilliant.  She realises perfectly that it's me.

The second time I do it, the corners of her mouth curve up, just a bit, and then the third time, she knows that I'm playing with her, and she gives me this warm, gorgeous smile that makes me catch my breath. I say quietly, "Love..." to get Liss to notice, and just as she begins to turn around, Lily makes a joyous sound sort of like a gurgle. Reckon it's her version of a laugh at this stage.

"Is she all right?" Liss hurries over, apparently thinking the baby's choking, and then stops when Lil turns her face to the sound of her voice and rewards her with one of her newfangled smiles, too. "Oh..." She turns to me, her eyes sparkling, and gives me one of her own pretty, delighted smiles. I tell ya, at this point, a man couldn't be happier, with both of his special girls beaming at him.

Lily seems to be proud she's managed something new; as Lissy talks to her, she keeps right on grinning, every so often turning towards me as well, as if to make sure I'm still noticing the beauty of it. I can't begin to describe what a light and a blessing this small girl is to both of us, and now, with her and her megawatt charming grin, I feel my heart melt all the more. She actually reacted to me, to something I did, and it made her happy. I'm about to burst with pride. You can tell me this isn't anything new; that this happens all around the world about a million times a day, but not with my own daughter and me, and I tuck this special moment away in my mind to treasure forever.

"She's got your smile, angel." I tug Lissy onto my lap, wrap both arms around her waist and kiss her on the cheek; she snuggles into me and then we both look at our daughter, still swinging to and fro, smiling almost to herself now as if trying to practice it over and over again.

"She's got yours." Lissy traces the shape of my mouth with the edge of her fingertips then drops a kiss, whisper-soft and tender, there. Lily looks at both of us with that still slightly off-focus, sweetly curious gaze of hers, and then she smiles one more time, tiny button nose crinkling and her dark eyes turning up just a bit at the corners. Moments don't come any more perfect than this one.

My Girls

It's actually hard to remember what life was like before Lily; she's settled so well into her own special place in our small family that it's difficult for me to think about when it was just Liss and I, alone. Besides, we'd had so much heartache before she came along and now we're both so blissfully happy and in love with each other once more that it seems so far removed from the two of us. I don't think that the baby was completely responsible for turning things around, but she's nonetheless been a blessing to me and my wife and I thank God for her tiny presence every day when I look at her.

It humbles me, too, when I realise I've been entrusted with her care, responsible along with Lissy for raising her right, good and strong, and for keeping her safe, sheltered, and loved. That the things we say and do could shape her entire life and determine the kind of person she'll grow up to be. It's sort of daunting, this parenthood thing, when you really think about it. But so far, I think we're doing a mighty fine job, for novices. Lil seems happy to be with us, and as Liss puts it, she doesn't know that we have no idea half the time what in the hell we're doing, either, so as far as she's concerned, we're doing right by her and all is well.

One of my favourite things to do, besides just holding my daughter and watching her, is to watch both she and my wife together. From the very moment she was born and I placed her on Lissy, I thought of the two of them as my best girls, and that thought still pops into my mind every time I look at them.

Liss has taken to motherhood with complete confidence and ease. In our more quiet and reflective moments together, especially before Lily's arrival, when she was still pregnant with her, I know she had doubts and fears and worries, the same as any expectant new mum, I reckon, but once the baby arrived she seemed to jump right in and know exactly what to do. Not that those same doubts and fears and worries aren't still there, but we've both learned it isn't just about us any more, it's about our child, and somehow things that seemed to have priority before simply don't matter so much now.

Liss has the baby at her breast, in the nursery, sitting there in the rocking chair with her feet up, calm and peaceful. There are times when this activity has a connectivity between the three of us, especially during the night when they're in bed with me, but during the day when she takes Lil to her own room, it's like it's this sort of reverent thing between just them, and I hate to encroach upon that. Still, I can't help but stand there, just outside the doorway, and watch, they make such a beautiful picture together.

She's got the baby close to her; I can see Lily's mouth working rhythmically on her nipple, cheek pressed to the soft curve of Lissy's breast. Lil's eyes are closed, the small fingers of her tiny hand flexing unconsciously to her suckling. Liss reaches, tucking her own finger into Lily's, and then she lifts it and gives it a kiss, watching our daughter with such pure love that it takes my breath away. She's given me that same look before, too, and it has the same effect, but there's just something about seeing her look at our child so that brings out the protective, possessive, proud male in me.

Without looking up, she says aloud, quietly, "You don't have to hide, Russ. I know you're there."

I smile and step into the room. Liss then fixes that same lovely expression upon me. "Didn't want to intrude," I tell her, but I place one hand on the baby's head, smiling even more when she opens her eyes and tries to focus on me, and then kiss her there. I gently run my hand over the curve of Lissy's breast momentarily before pausing to kiss her, too.

My wife looks into my eyes. "You're a part of this, too," she reminds me.

I gaze back. I'm a part of Liss now, as she's a part of me, and then we're both there within Lily, this little girl making us each greater than we would have ever been on our own. And I don't know exactly what to say to that one; only, looking at my wife, I can tell she's thinking much the same thing. So I just hold them and revel in how perfect this singular one moment is in time.

Colic and Other Hazards of Parenthood

Lil's just a month old when we have our first real warning that this parenting thing isn't always going to be a bed of roses or whatever you'd like to call it.

Up until this point, being this little girl's mum and dad has been like some sort of wondrous dream for the two of us. Of course, that could also be attributed to the fact that neither of us is still getting more than two or three hours of uninterrupted sleep at a single stretch. But we love this whole new path Lily's opened up in our lives and we wouldn't change it for a single moment.

Until now. Both of us just fell asleep what seemed like mere minutes ago, after getting the baby fed and settled back down. She's been out of sorts lately; and even though my own mum told us this is perfectly normal for a newborn, we're both still inexperienced and sort of nervous. I think after Lil went to sleep, we stayed hovering over her for at least an additional hour, making sure she was breathing and all was well. Finally, we slept out of sheer exhaustion.

However, our daughter's having none of that. Deciding if she's not happy, we won't be either, she's awake and screaming to rouse the dead. Lissy, God bless her, looks like death warmed over as she sits up, blinks, and then automatically moves zombie-like towards the bassinette. I try half-heartedly to beat her there, but she makes it first, and then I watch the amazing transformation take place.

The first time this happened, I was in fucking awe. Guess it's one of those instinctual Mum things she's always finding coming out within her. She's not a morning person, hell; she's not even a middle-of-the-night person, but when it comes to taking care of Lil, she can go from half-asleep and on the edge of resentful about it to being the baby's loving, adoring mummy in less than thirty seconds. If it was me waking her at...let's see, 2:45 am, she'd stay half-asleep and purely resentful, even if it was for sex. Let me just say, if I'm EVER waking her up on purpose at 2:45 am that had better be the ONLY reason why, I'll tell you. Or believe me, I'll be quite sorry.

But somehow Lil's brought about all her nurturing, protective instincts like you've never seen before. I'm getting there but it's taken me a bit longer; I'm still trying to process all of this and Liss already has the baby in her arms, bouncing her, rocking her, trying to calm her down. Lily's still screaming, her little face all red and scrunched up. Since we barely put her back down to bed a little over an hour and a half ago she can't possibly be hungry or wet; but nothing her mum's doing seems to make it right.

"I don't know what to do for her," Lissy looks almost as upset as Lily right now. "I can't make it better if I don't know what's wrong, muffin. How can I help you?"

Of course she's not expecting an answer but I feel I have to reassure both of them somehow. "Mum said this is normal, remember?" I remind her. "It's probably colic, or whatever she called it."

"What in the hell is colic, anyhow?" she asks, trying to be heard over the baby's fussing. "Does anyone know? I don't. And, if every baby gets it, how come no one seems to know how to stop it, that's what I'd like to know." She shifts Lil in her arms; this quiets the baby for just a moment and then she begins again. "Does this sound normal to you?"

"I'm not a good judge of normal, sweetheart," I tell her wryly. "Here, want me to have a go at it for a bit?"

"I don't think you'll be able to mellow her out," she warns, although she gratefully lets me take the baby. She sinks on the bed, watching as I pace back and forth with our daughter in my arms. Lily's not outright screaming any more, but she's still incredibly fussy, and I, like my wife, really don't know what she wants or what to do for her. I have never felt more helpless myself than when confronted with the needs of this one tiny individual. "I'm a terrible Mum," Lissy laments. "I can't even help my own kid. I'm going to make all these mistakes with her and it will be a miracle if we have any more and they all turn out fine."

It's her lack of sleep that's talking, is what it is. But I humour her. "You were your own mum's first child, and look at how you turned out," I tell her, reassuringly.

In a completely different tone, she tells me, "Terry was YOUR mum's first child, and look at how YOU turned out." 

I remind myself it's her lack of sleep talking and nothing she says right now can be held against her or brought up in arguments in future. "I'm just going to pretend I didn't hear that," I tell her. Although it's a good sign she's even considering us having another.

She looks remorseful. Oh, and utterly fucking exhausted, like I am. Lil's beginning to pick up in intensity again so I raise her up against my chest instead of holding her in a reclining position; when I stop pacing she really gets angry, so I sigh and keep on. "I'm sorry," Liss sighs. "I'm just worn out, is all. But I really didn't mean it, honestly."

"No worries. Look, why don't you at least try to lie down and get some rest?"

"There's no way I can sleep through THIS." But she stands, coming to follow me, so Lil can see her over my shoulder. We probably look quite a sight, both of us walking circles round the bedroom floor. "Why don't you go in one of the guest rooms or down on the couch?" I suggest.

"Russ, I'm not leaving you to deal with this on your own," she protests, valiantly. "But you can get some sleep, if you want." 

"Oh, and I'm gonna leave you to deal with it?" I appreciate the thought, though. "You need some rest, sweetheart." 

"So do you." She looks at Lily, who's still crying. "We all do. All three of us. Please, Lil...Sweetie, please, please let up."  

The baby doesn't like being held this way anymore so I shift her again. Liss reaches for her, though, so I let her take a turn. This time, she sort of likes being against her mummy's shoulder so this time I'm trailing behind Lissy, talking to her in that sort of gooey tone you talk to babies in and making funny faces at her. For a bit it seems to work and then she gets fretful once more.

"She's annoyed," Lissy unnecessarily points out. "And I'm beginning to get annoyed."

I haven't seen her this moody since she was pregnant. But even I'm on edge, after all this. "You're a beaut on no sleep, love," I tease her; before she can apologize again, I kiss her. "I know, this is getting old right quick. We could walk with her outside."

"I don't want to expose her to the night air," Liss says in her Mum Tone. "And, I definitely don't want to wake up every creature around. She'll probably wake up your parents at their house, the way she's going, and SOMEONE around here deserves to get some sleep." Passing Lily back over, she pleads, "Come up with something else."

"Haven't a clue what you want me to do, angel." But I start to hum a tune, and both of us are amazed when she seems to calm, looking up at me with wonder. When I stop, Lil blinks, and then frowns, as if gearing up to let loose all over again.

"Don't stop now." My wife gestures frantically. "Sing something. She seems to like that." 

"What?"

"Oh, god...I don't know. The first thing that pops into your head." 

I swear when she says this, the first song that comes to mind is Happy Birthday to You. "Why'd you pick that one...it's not her birthday..." Liss singsongs, so as to keep the baby lulled by melody alone, giving the baby an encouraging smile. But our daughter doesn't seem to mind. Keep the hit parade coming.

"Then you choose something..." I'm adopting the same ridiculous crooning way of carrying on conversation. "It's your turn now...it's Mummy's turn...tell Mummy to sing something, anything, right..." Anything to keep her happy.

So Liss begins singing incongruously, You Are My Sunshine, and I join in, which seems to make Lily even happier, although I don't think my wife will be going on the road with me and the band anytime soon. This then goes in to Waltzing Matilda, and then, even odder, Yesterday, by The Beatles, which is what Lissy claims just came to mind. I think we're both half drunk on plain old fatigue. Lily's stopped crying, although whenever we stop singing, she looks like she's back on the verge, which makes me wonder if she might not be manipulating us just the slightest bit. She's not interested in sleeping, either, unfortunately. I think she's rather entertained by Mum and Dad.

We keep on with a bizarre mix of children's songs, pop hits, and TV theme songs, both of us taking turns choosing what the next selection for Lily's listening pleasure will be. We've stopped pacing and have settled lying on the bed with her, Liss cuddled against my side and the baby on my chest.

We've just finished a particularly rousing duet of a Kylie Minogue song when Lissy murmurs sleepily, "Sing something of yours." 

"What? Why..." 

"I've run out of creativity, Russell." We look at Lil. She's realized the music's stopped and although she doesn't look like she's ready to scream again, we don't want to chance it. "Quick, before she starts up."

"What d'ya want me to...?"

"Oh, I don't know." She yawns. "Sing Barry Kable. Yeah, that'll do." She snuggles into me. "Don't worry about telling the whole story first though, just sing."

Yeah...that's an appropriate one for my child. But I'm so damn tired I can't for the life of me remember another song I've written, now that Liss put that in my head, so I begin, very softly, making it sound almost like a romantic ballad rather than a sad tale of woe. When I get to the line about the poor old bloke dropping dead, I glance at Lissy and she's out cold, sound asleep with her head on my shoulder.

I look at Lily and she's passed out, too. Thankfully, blessedly, out like a light. Guess I lulled both of 'em off to sleep.

I don't know whether to be grateful or insulted, but I'm not gonna sort it all out now. And I'm not gonna move my daughter and risk disrupting the peace and quiet. With a sigh of relief, I tuck both of them in closer to me and go to sleep myself.

You're Stuck With Us for Life, Kid

Not too long after Lil's colic episode where I think this was the first time Liss and I ever thought of seriously putting her up for adoption (I'm just kidding), I think it finally sinks in that we're indeed truly her parents.

It's gonna sound quite mental, but while Lissy and I both bonded with our daughter immediately, and had even before she was born, I've sort of felt like the last several weeks have been practically surreal. It's like we waited for so long to get her here and we went through so much before we conceived her anyhow, physically, mentally and emotionally, that once she actually WAS here, it's almost like it's been too good to be true. That at any moment, someone would knock at the door, tell us they're very sorry, but there's been some mistake and Lily's not really ours, then take her away from us.

I didn't realise Liss kind of felt the same until today, when, after giving her a bath, she picks her up and the baby smiles at her. My wife smiles back then turns that radiance on me and offhandedly comments, "You know, Russ, I finally really feel like a Mum."

This rather surprises me and it must show on my face, because she explains, "I've been sort of feeling like I'm just the babysitter and her real parents are going to show up at any moment." She kisses Lil and snuggles her close in her hooded bath towel.

I burst out laughing. "I've felt the same way," I confess.

She looks at turns both relieved and amused. "You have?"

"Yeah, but I thought that you felt..."

"But you've seemed so..."

"Confident," we finish in unison. This makes us laugh even more. 

"I guess I've put on a pretty good façade," Liss admits. "Because I've only recently thought this parenting thing was finally beginning to click."

"Me too." We both look at our daughter. Lily is looking back at us with this sort of expression that makes me wonder what's going through her mind.

"We'll manage, sweetie," my wife reassures her. "We're new at this, but we promise, we'll do our best and things will work out."

"You're stuck with us, kiddo," I tell her. She seems to think about this for a moment, and then her nose crinkles up and she smiles at us. I reckon she figures it's not such a bad thing.

The First Time We... (Oh, never mind)

It's funny, our life with Lily. On the one hand, it seems like she's still so new, which she is, she's nearly two months old; yet on the other, it seems like we've been like this, with her, forever. Both Liss and I have settled into the parenting thing easily now, our days full of wonder and love, though we're not freaked anymore every time she twitches or makes a sound. We've both had our moments of being overprotective new parents, and believe me; we've had fun teasing each other about it.

She's finally started taking to sleeping at night for longer periods at a time, five, sometimes six hours at a stretch now, something me and Lissy are extremely proud of her for, since we're still trying to catch up on many hours of missed sleep. Liss even more so than me; for at least the last two months of her pregnancy, she was so bloody big and uncomfortable that she couldn't sleep well then, either. 'Course, neither of us can blame our daughter for that; it's the way babies are, and we wouldn't trade a single minute of any of this, ever.

The sun's just starting to come out; the room barely beginning to be awash with colour. Lil's still sound asleep in her bassinette; 'cause there's not a peep over there. Usually, when she wakes, she doesn't cry straightaway; she'll make her little soft sounds to herself for a bit, then, if no one comes to fetch her, she sounds the morning wake-up call. We've talked about moving her into her own room, but so far neither of us has had the heart to follow through.  We love having her here with us.

Lissy's soundly sleeping in my arms, her spooned along the front of me as usual. When we first started sleeping together, we'd sleep like this out of necessity, since then I was in her tiny house, in her tiny bed, and it was either that or have her sleep on top of me, which I also didn't mind. Soon, it became more of an intimacy thing than anything else, and now, even with our king-sized bed, neither of us sleep real well if we're not at least touching. I love it this way; I can feel the entire length of her along the entire length of me, and we're as close as we can possibly get without me being inside of her.

Speaking of, though, almost of their own volition, my hands begin to slowly, gently caress her. We've only begun to resume our sexual relationship with each other, and I think we missed that, the physical closeness and emotional connection that naturally follows. It's another one of those things I wouldn't change, since it was a necessity, with the pregnancy and then waiting for her to completely recover from giving birth to Lil, but I've missed being with my wife, quite honestly. This is always one of my favourite times to make love; in the early morning quiet just before dawn. She's got one of my shirts on and a pair of knickers; I carefully draw the shirt up in my fist, till it's bunched against her breasts, and then rest my other hand flat on her belly, circling over and around her silky skin. Lifting my head, I rest it near her shoulder; bury my face against her neck, breathing in her scent, my mouth moving minutely over her. She smells fragrant; her usual sweet warmth; but I can also sense Lily on her, powdery-fresh and clean, and then that wholesome, slightly milky mum smell. It's quite unashamedly arousing, actually.

Liss stirs and sighs and I'm not sure if she's waking, knowing it's me, or she's thinking she's in the midst of an erotic dream. I grow a little bolder, nip her earlobe, brushing feathery kisses anywhere I can reach, then I slide my hand from her belly to between her legs, feel her damp heat, cradle her there, fingers stroking her over the fabric. She moans quietly then, and I know she's awake. I smile, unapologetically. "Hi."

"Hi." She stretches, her hips moving involuntarily against my lazily caressing hand. "Mmm...You're awake." Pressing back into me, she rubs herself against me, and without seeing her face, I know she's smiling at the feel of me on her. "You're hard." I brush her hair aside, kissing the nape of her neck, letting out a low growl as she deliberately does it again. She giggles. "You're horny." Then, suddenly remembering Lil sleeping just a few feet away, she whispers, "We shouldn't do this, Russell." I'm tracing the lace edge of her knickers with my fingertip and she shudders. "We can't do this," she tries again, albeit far from wholeheartedly.

"Yes, we can." Letting go of her shirt, I slip my hand under it and cup the swell of one breast, rub my thumb over her nipple. It was already swollen and I hear her sharply suck in her breath as it tightens even more. "We can, and we will." She turns her head to look over her shoulder at me, and I kiss her, long and deep. "You want this as much as I do, sweetheart, don't you? I can feel how very much you want me." Deliberately, I snug her in even closer so she can feel the entire length of me against her lower back and buttocks. "Feel how much I want you, love."

"But...the baby..." Lissy protests, her voice soft and trembling. We both look over at the bassinette. Not a hint of movement, not a single sound. "She's still sleeping," I reassure. The shirt's slipping off her shoulder; I kiss her there, feeling a triumphant rush as she shivers. "Sweetheart, we're not gonna traumatize her for life if we make love with her in the same room, okay? She's not old enough to know what's going on. It's not like we're gonna have to send her to therapy." It's not anything shameful; sex has always been something pure and nearly sacred between us, and besides, in that act, we made our daughter; what could be more perfect and beautiful than that? Although, if Lily wakes while we're in the midst of it, it could be literally quite painful, for me especially, so despite the easy tranquillity of the moment, there's also a faint sense of urgency, since she's already been asleep for about five and a half hours and there's the distinct possibility she won't stay that way for much longer.

"As long as we keep quiet, we're not going to wake her." I'm undoing the buttons on the shirt and I know damn well Liss is caving in, 'cause she's not doing a fucking thing to stop me or slow me down. "Although we should seriously consider putting her in her own room soon." I slip my fingers beneath the fabric of her knickers, stroke along the soft, open, wet lips of her sex; she stifles a cry as I also slide the shirt off of her at the same time. "You've got too many clothes on," I tell her. "Let's get you out of these damn things." Both articles of clothing get tossed carelessly onto the bedroom floor as I hold Liss close. "If you don't want to..." I gallantly offer, but Lissy shakes her head in graceful defeat. "You know I want you," she capitulates, her voice catching and breaking slightly as I push one of my fingers inside.

There's suddenly a tiny sound from Lil's direction, which makes both of us freeze for a moment, then silence, blessed, peaceful silence. Thank God. I begin slowly thrusting my finger in and out of Lissy, as she begins to follow my lead, her head falling back against my shoulder, as she reaches back to cradle my face to hers. "We'd better make this short and sweet for now," I breathe, "but I'll make it good for you, I promise." She tries to turn to face me, but I kiss her shoulder. "No, baby, I want you just like this." I nip her there, ever so tenderly, and she has to stifle another groan. "Is that okay?"

She nods, her whole body tense and quaking, then manages to whisper, "Please..." I can feel it starting to build in her, and then I want to look into her eyes when she comes, but we're too far gone for that now, and I'll have my chance in a bit. "Let yourself go, baby," I tell her, and that's all the encouragement she needs. She comes, against my hand, turning her face into the pillow to muffle her cries. I hold her until she calms down, burying my face into her silky hair. "That was beautiful," I tell her quietly. "You're so incredibly damn beautiful, angel."

"But...you..." Liss says hesitantly, knowing that I still haven't taken my own satisfaction for myself. She's still sort of dazed, I can tell. I have to grin, turning her face towards mine so I can kiss her again. "Who says we're done?" Growling low in her ear, I add, "I'm not through with you yet."

"Oh, god," she whispers, and I laugh softly. "Are you praying or cursing, love?"

"I...don't...know..." she gasps.

"Well, I know for certain," I answer confidently, with more than a touch of male arrogance. "You want more, don't you?" I know what I said about wanting to look into her eyes when she came, but the way we are now, with us still spooned up together, feels so right and so perfect for this moment. I drift my hand low again and hear her gasp. "You're ready for me, aren't you, Lissy?"

"Yes..." I lift her leg and position it back over my hip, leaving her spread wide open for me. "Let me have you then, sweetheart." Already I'm nudging at her. "Open your legs wider for me, honey. Let me inside of you." She nods and then lets out a moan as I gain entry, sliding all the way within her easily. There's a pause while I let her adjust to me, feel her body ease to accommodate mine, and then she moans again, softly. I cover her mouth with my hand for a moment. "Shh..." I warn, both of us covertly glancing towards Lily's bassinette again. It's true when I told Liss there was nothing wrong with us doing this, it's not like Lil's going to sit up and shriek, "What in the hell are you doing??", but there's still something sort of naughtily illicit in this anyhow, sort of like making love with your parents in the very next room. Or in a public place. Sort of this sick thrill of possibly getting caught. Then I begin thrusting deep, and both of us kind of forget where we are and that our infant daughter's still sleeping here in the same room with us.

Lissy's gripping the edge of her pillow and I'm gripping her, both of us fighting to stifle our cries of pleasure. God, it feels so good. I'm never gonna get enough of her, as long as I live. I try to make it last as long as I can, but she's still so sensitive and so wound up after her last orgasm that pretty soon, I can feel her contracting around me as she comes a second time, and then I'm there, too, pouring myself into her with my face shoved against her shoulder to try to contain my own groans. It was animalistic and incredibly, intimately tender, at the same time.

We stay like that, joined together for a long moment, and then I carefully withdraw and turn her over to face me. We're laying nearly nose-to-nose, grinning idiotically like a couple of goofy teenagers. Then, we both laugh, quietly. "So, good morning," I tell her, holding her close and kissing her softly.

"Yeah, it is." I laugh again at her response, so natural and uninhibited. "It's a VERY good morning, isn't it?" I reply. Sort of after the fact, I ask, "You're not sorry I woke you, are you, honey?"

Liss giggles. "Do I look sorry?" she asks. I grin even more and caress her cheek with my fingertips. "You look...extremely satisfied and supremely well-loved," is my observation.

Then she sighs, looks over where our still-sleeping daughter lies. "I imagine we should probably start her sleeping in her own room," she says, with only a residual hint of regret.

I hate to say, but that's probably not a bad idea. :)

One of Those Things You're Not Gonna Want to Record for Posterity

So we put Lil in her own room to sleep nights, with her little radio/monitor thing on the bureau so we can hear her (that made me fucking nervous at first, until Liss assured me it was one way and she wouldn't be able to hear us; for all my telling my wife there was nothing wrong about us making love with her there, I still didn't want our cries of passion echoing throughout the house, y'know), and she settles in just fine. I sometimes think half the time, we're more concerned about how she's gonna handle something than she is about discovering anything new. Besides, she's not that far away, and with her pretty much sleeping straight on throughout, (yay!) we're not getting up in the dead of night to fetch her anyhow.

In just a couple of weeks, we're all going to England; after much deliberation and discussion with Lissy, I decided to take on a new film and they're coming with me. I'm kind of concerned with how this will go, but Liss says things will be fine, and I couldn't imagine leaving either one of them behind for a few months anyhow. Lily's doctor says it'll be fine to take her travelling as long as we're careful and she's so easily adaptable that she'll probably be the one who takes to it more readily than the rest of us. She's almost three months old and while the thought of traipsing halfway around the world with such a little girl scares me, I don't want to miss a single moment of her growing up. We'll see how this works out. Maybe later, I'll have to make a huge decision about the acting thing, if it interferes too much with the family thing, but Lissy's absolutely confident that we can manage to work it out for both, at least for now. And, if there's one thing I've learned I can count on, it's Lissy's somewhat serene sense of right about things. When we were having all those problems before, her quiet confidence was what helped get me through.

Liss is slowly starting to wean Lil more and more from breastfeeding, it's not that she doesn't love it, 'cause I know she does, but it gives the both of them more independence from one another. She's started to pump some of her milk and then, that way, I can help with feedings, or Lil can stay with my folks during the day and we're not worrying about Liss rushing every few hours to be right there to feed her. Nana and Papa (as we've taken to calling my mum and dad where Lily's concerned) can help, too. We can start her soon on solid foods, too, and that will be even more beneficial for the baby.

So today, Lissy's doing things about the house while I'm providing for our daughter. I don't think Lil even notices the change; bottle or breast, it's all the same to her. Though I like to think she loves the time she spends with me. When I hold her and feed her, she lies there and gazes at me, or she'll curl her small fingers around one of mine, and I feel the intense connection, the bond that we have between us.

She's a greedy guzzler today, gulping it down as if she's afraid I'm going to take it from her. When I pull the nipple from between her lips and rearrange her in my arms, planning to let her have another go, first she lets out this little protesting bleat, and then, without warning, she chunders up this great amount of milk, me barely able to manoeuvre her so most of it ends up on me instead of on herself. It's not really all that much, but coming out of Lil's tiny body, it seems to be.

"Uh..." I'm not sure what to do; Lily's got this confused expression wondering what happened to her just now. Then, "Liss!!"

Liss comes darting in from the other room. "What...?" She takes it all in at a glance, Lily notices her mum and begins to fret, me gingerly holding her in one arm, the bottle in my other hand, with spit-up milk all down the front of me. "Oh, it's okay, everything's fine, muffin," she says, taking Lil from me and taking the flannel burping cloth off of my shoulder to mop at her small milky face. She missed that altogether, scoring a direct hit in the middle of my shirt and down on my lap. "You're fine, too," she tells me, and I can clearly see she's trying not to laugh at the stunned mullet look on my face, as she dabs at me as well. "Everyone's okay."

"Are you sure?" I'm looking warily at Lily as if her head's gonna start spinning around. She's looking at me as if expecting mine to. Crazy Daddy, she's probably thinking right about now. Liss sighs and looks at me as if I'm mental as well.

"She just spit up, Russell. That's all. She's fine, perfectly fine."

"Good god, Liss, it was like something out of The Exorcist!" Liss gives me this chastising look, then turns her comforting one to the baby. "You mean to tell me, this entire time she's been with us, you've never seen her spit up, ever?"

"Christ, not like that!" I mop at my shirt. Both of my girls are now giving me The Look; when Lil gets older, I'm in for a heap of trouble. Big time. "It scared the hell out of me. I didn't know what in the f-..."

"Don't curse in front of her," Liss warns. I try not to but after all this time it's kind of hard to stop something that's sadly ingrained in you. "And don't scare her. She just drank too fast for her little tummy to handle, and so she spit it up. Didn't you, sweetie?" She kisses Lily's silky head. "Besides, just you wait until her first really foul diaper. Then we'll talk about freaking out. Then you'll know what real love is, when you change one of those. THEN we'll see how much of a real man you are."

"Oh, I've done some pretty nasty ones." Liss shakes her head. "You ain't seen nothin' yet, sweetheart. Trust me. And we'll save it all for Daddy, won't we, Lil?" As if the baby completely understands, she smiles one of her pretty beaming smiles at me.

Yep, I'm in for a heap of trouble, all right. Big time. 

Our First Grand Family Adventure

Pretty soon, we're packing to go to England. First off, we're stopping over for just a bit in the States to visit with Lissy's family; I know she gets homesick for them sometimes, and now with Lily I want her to stay as close to them as possible. Then, we'll be living in London for a few months while I work on the film.

I still worry a lot about what my fame will do to Lily. Liss, on the other hand, is so sure that no matter what, we will manage to work things out. After all we've been through, I'm sure we will, but now that we've got a child of our own, I'm more protective about her safety and my wife's than ever before. I've always been concerned for Lissy, but she's handled all the crazy mixed-up things that come with being married to me with a whole lot of courage and dignity and humour. Besides, SHE chose ME, out of all the blokes on Earth. Lily didn't ask to come into all of this, she had no say about being the child of an international film actor, with its unusualness and sometimes unique complications, and I'm determined that she won't suffer on account of me. We're both committed as well, on the other hand, to making her life and her childhood as normal and carefree as possible, and you know how tenacious Liss and I can get. Still, this is the first time we're venturing out into the world with our daughter, far from the safety and security of home, and it's kinda nerve-wracking.

We've got Mark, and David's taken it upon himself to accept Lil as his charge along with Liss; with the two of them looking after me and both of my girls I shouldn't worry. They both love and adore Lissy and Lily's got them both wrapped around her tiny finger as much as she does me. There's nothing either of them wouldn't do for her or for my wife, sometimes I suspect more so than me.

We planned the trip to make it easy on the baby; from Sydney to Hawaii, then the West coast of the US to the East, stopping for time with our American side of the family along the way, then on to England. It's gonna take longer but when you're travelling with such a little one, it's better to be safe than sorry, I reckon.

As we settle in and prepare for takeoff in our private jet, Lily secure between us in her carrier, I think Liss is suffering from more anxiety than the baby. She's never been fond of flying; and that hasn't changed since she's been with me. She does fine once we're in the air; but she hates the takeoffs and landings. Me, it's so second nature by now I don't even notice.

Lissy's given Lily her pacifier so she won't be upset by air pressure in the cabin so much. As the engines start up and we begin taxiing out, Lil's dark eyes get big and she starts to whimper, just a bit, at the strange noises. "I hate this part," her mummy mutters, too, as she takes Lily's hand on one side, I take the other and we prepare to set off. Lil curls her fingers around ours, sweet little rosebud mouth frantically working the pacifier, her favourite stuffed bear sitting there to comfort her, too. With a great final roar we pick up speed and lift off, finally on our way to our first real trip together as a family. Adventures in store for the Crowes.

I look from the baby to my wife to amusedly find her head's averted, the shade down on the window so she wouldn't get sick watching the runway go zipping by. Her eyes are closed and she lets out a sigh. "Liss..." I say softly, coaxingly.

She looks at me. "Russ, I'm sorry. I know I'm the one who's being a baby here, but you know how much I hate this part of it..." She's expecting me to give her grief over something I've come to know and love about her. Lord knows I've got enough quirks and eccentricities for her to deal with, too.

I don't say anything; just pointedly look down at our daughter. She's still gripping my finger and Lissy's, her mouth still working the pacifier in and out, back and forth...but she's soundly, blissfully asleep. Just like that.

Liss sighs, although there's the most beautiful smile I've privately termed the Mum Smile on her face. "Wouldn't you know," she says, but she leans over her towards me and we kiss before settling in for the first leg of the journey.

We spend some time with Lissy's side of the family in the States, then I leave her there with Lily for a bit while I move on to England, to get started with pre-production on the film and to get things ready for their arrival. You wouldn't think travelling with a baby would be that much more complex than when it was just us as a couple, and maybe we're making things harder than is necessary and we'll get the knack later on, but it truly is a hell of a lot more complicated, it truly is. There's so much more to pack; so much more to be concerned with, since she's so small and we've got to worry about things like her safety and security. Not to mention providing her with normal infant things like toys and all the comforts of home.

While we're here, she's really going to gain in her development; I reckon she'll start to teethe as well as learn how to crawl and be more mobile on her own. We have to take all of this into account as I'm in constant contact with my wife back in America, readying a hotel suite to accommodate a growing, thriving, curious infant along with preparing myself to get back into working the day job. It's been awhile; first there was us breaking up for that bit, then the trauma of the miscarriage, then all the joy of going through the pregnancy with Lily and her birth. It's probably been about two years since I've really gotten deeply into this and it takes some getting used to.

Despite everything occupying my mind, I can't wait to get the two of them over here with me. I miss them if I'm away from them too long. Especially now, with Lil here; every day is another one in her young life that I worry I might be missing something important. So far, there's been nothing major, but with this film about to go, I'm concerned that I'll be gone one day and something wonderful will happen for the first time when I'm not around to see it. I know it's not practical to expect to be there for every single thing that happens to Lily, but I fucking want to try.

I was going to go back over to fetch them and bring them here but Liss assured me she'd be all right travelling on her own with the baby. Most of their stuff is here already anyhow and so I've let David be the one to bring the girls to me. They've just gotten in, me there to meet the plane, and now we're in the hotel suite trying to settle in and get used to our new life in a different country.

Lily, as usual, takes everything in around her with her huge, solemn eyes. She's so easygoing; as long as she's with mum and dad, everything's fine. Lissy, too, is calm and composed, and with her here I feel like things are more homey and even.

We've got our own room and a separate one for Lily; it's not made for a child, but the hotel provided us with a cot for her to sleep in and then we've shipped over a bunch of her own things from home, among them the can't-do-without swing. "Where do you want this, love?" I ask Liss, as she's got the baby lying on the bed in her room that we shoved to one side to make more space for her things, changing her.

"The swing needs to go out there, in the main area, we'll be there most of the time anyhow and that's where I imagine she'll be for most of it," she responds. She laughs as I come back in after hauling the box out there. "Don't worry, we'll unpack it all and make sense of it tonight, after she's asleep. Couldn't you do anything without me?" she jokes.

I nudge her aside and lean over to kiss Lil's bare tummy; she giggles, her legs and arms kicking, and before I can lift my face, she fists both hands into my hair. Lissy laughs even more and moves in to gently pry her fingers free and let me go. "No," I tell her honestly. "Couldn't make any decisions without you here."

Liss shakes her head. "You're hopeless," she says, but I catch the twinkle in her eye and know she's only teasing. 

Later that evening, after Lil's been put to bed, Liss is still on the go, arranging all of our belongings to make things seem more like home. This place we're staying is one of the more comfortable places we've been, something I'm grateful for as I deal with the residual guilt of taking my wife and child and traipsing off halfway 'round the world yet.

Coming up behind Liss, I wrap my arms around her to still her, and then kiss the back of her neck, smiling when I feel her shiver with delight. "It can wait till later, sweetheart," I tell her. "Got other plans for us right now."

"What did you have in mind?" she asks, sighing and pressing up against me as I slide one hand up to cup her breast through her clothing. That's one thing I'll be eternally grateful to Lily for, giving her Mum this newly lush figure that I love so much.

"The bed needs christening," I coax softly. That's become sort of this standing joke between the two of us; after all our time travelling all over the place, staying in all sorts of unfamiliar places, we have a great deal of fun christening each bed in each new place we're at. She half-turns, smiling back at me. "Does it now," is her innocent response. I growl and tenderly nip the side of her neck. "Yeah. Badly. We should try it out...we've never stayed here before...we haven't fucked in this one yet."

It slips out before I can stop myself. Now, I want it on the record that Lissy's no prude, however, she's more conservative than I am, and she rarely uses the same colourful language that I do. From the start, though, she's always seen straight through to the inside me, and even when I'm being sort of a wanker, I can tell ya, she knows what I'm like deep down and she loves every part of me, too. Since Lily, she's tried to get me to stop cursing as much, especially in our daughter's presence, and now she turns that sort of disapproving Mum gaze on me, though seeing as how she's never given this look to Lil, I reckon it's more of a disapproving wife one. "Don't be crude, Russell," she chastises, and I feel like a five-year-old little boy all over again, being admonished by his mother.

Then she turns and cradles my face between her hands, kissing me gently. "Although...that was so sweetly sort of filthy that I'm beginning to get quite turned on," she confesses, her eyes sparkling yet again.

I grin. "Yeah?"

"Yeah." She smiles. "Let's go do something about that, huh?"

I can happily tell you that even with the birth of our child and our initiation as parents, we haven't become completely celibate. No, far from it, actually. And with Lily now sleeping solidly through the night, that's cause for celebration.

First Bit of Self-Sufficient Mobility

We settle into our new life here, as unconventional as it is. I try so much to at least be able to say goodbye to Lily in the morning and give her a kiss goodnight each evening. Even if it's very late, Liss will bring her to me once I get in and I get to spend special time with her, daddy-daughter time. She and Lissy come and visit while I'm working, too, there's so much actual down time when you're filming that I welcome their presence and being able to try to remain as close a family as possible.

Work is going great; I didn't realise until I started again how much I missed this. For all I've talked about giving it up, I like taking something someone's written, their vision of whatever, and turning it into something visible and real. Making it also part of MY vision. Liss is a sort of closet writer; she enjoys doing it for fun mostly, and so she understands how I feel about it. Maybe someday I can convince her to collaborate with me on something; she writing a project and me starring in it. Wouldn't that be a trip. Until then, her greatest role is that as my wife and Lily's mummy, and it's one she loves with everything she's got within her. When we struggled before, it hurt me to look at her and see the pain and the sorrow she had inside of her; now there's only complete happiness and love there, and it gives me an utter sense of peace just to be near her.

Lily, too; she's now at that age where she instantly is able to recognise me and she knows definitely the sound of my voice, so as soon as she sees me she immediately brightens, and there's no greater feeling in the world than having her turn all of her attention and the full force of her own happiness towards me. She doesn't care about any of the celebrity aspect of it, she simply knows me as her daddy, and that makes me feel good. She knows me as the person who helps take care of and loves her and her mum; she doesn't know me from this film or that tabloid, she just loves me for me. And like Liss before her, I cherish that more than either of them will ever truly realise.

Tonight I managed to get home early, before Lil's bedtime, and the two of us are just sitting on the floor of the main area of our suite, with the baby on a blanket in front of us, enjoying being together. We're quietly talking, only sort of half-watching Lily lying there on her back, when all of a sudden, one of those major things happens right before our eyes.

She was one moment lying there, babbling softly to herself, when I see her legs kick furiously, her eyes gazing up and back towards us. Then, she manages to turn herself onto her left side, feet flailing and arms straining; with a bit of effort she pulls that left arm out from under her body and that gives her the leverage to roll onto her belly. All by herself. She's strong; before we were able to put her down like that and she could hold her head and shoulders up, was pretty good at rolling over the other way, onto her back, but this is the first time she's rolled forward on her own, though she's been trying to do it for some time now.

Lissy looks at me and I look at her; then both of us at our daughter, and as if this is something she does every day, she then reaches in front of her, where her stuffed bear is lying, drags it to her and pops one of its paws in her mouth. That's when I realise I was holding my breath, Liss too, because suddenly we're exclaiming and lavishing heaps of praise upon her and she's looking at us like we're slightly crazy. But then she understands the measure of her accomplishment, because she's smiling and laughing right there with us as I scoop her up off the floor, hugging and kissing her. Lissy's doing the same, though she's also hugging and kissing me as if I had anything at all to do with this. At this moment I could win another Academy Award but the rush of pride wouldn't be anywhere near what I feel towards Lil right now. Though I feel sort of this pang of regret. Lily's growing and changing so quickly; and while I look forward to seeing the kind of little girl and even young lady she turns out to be, part of me wants her to stay this small and sweet beautiful baby forever.

But as she snuggles with me, there's no question: no matter how old either one of us is, to me, she'll always be my precious baby girl. 

First Word

I'm sorta beginning to feel that every day with Lil is a miracle. I felt that way about Lissy, still do, but there's just something new every single day with this little girl. As this happens, I'm determined more and more that I'm going to do what I can to be there for every single moment I can. Somehow, though, Lily seems to sense that my time with her is special and precious, and she works things out accordingly so Daddy doesn't miss out.

Tonight's one of those late nights filming; the movie's in full swing and while part of me is trying to work as hard as I can so I can get us back home as quickly as possible, another part of me wants to be with my wife and child as much as I can, too. It's a sort of conflict I'm having a time coming to terms with. Liss as usual keeps reassuring we'll work things out to the letter, and her gentle understanding is sometimes what I suspect keeps me sane. We make the most of the time we're together; and when we're apart I reckon in our own way we're each trying to make a good life for Lily; she by being there to care for her as only Lissy can; and me by trying to make an honest living to provide her and her mummy with whatever they might need. I'm a traditionalist husband/father sort in a very unconventional sort of world.

When I come home, there's my private moment with Lissy, where we discuss what went on with our respective days, cuddle and kiss a bit, as we're fond of doing, then she goes to get Lil. I feel a bit bad when she does, but sometimes this is the only real time I get to spend with her; my most special time with her is when she wakes and we have a bit of a snuggle before she goes back to sleep in my arms. I love that, y'know.

I enjoy seeing the two of them together, the two girls I love more than anything, both of them with the same features and the same beautiful way of looking at me. As she brings Lily out, Liss murmurs to her softly, and the baby's eyes flutter open. One arm's clutching that beloved bear of hers and the other a fistful of Lissy's long dark hair; she's taken to doing that as a sort of security or comfort that makes both of us smile.

"Hi, sweetheart. Come see Daddy," I tell her, and at that, Lil's head pops up from her Mum's shoulder, she brightens instantly at seeing me, something I never tire of, and then, extending one small hand to me, she says very distinctly and clearly, "Da."

I'm taken aback by this as is Lissy; we look at each other in astonishment. Apparently, Lily's never said this even around her. Then we look at her and she gazes from one of us to the other with that 'my parents are slightly mental' sort of expression; we think she's a wonder and a genius and I know without a doubt she in her own turn thinks that we are more than just a bit crazy.

"Did you hear her?" I'm grinning although at the same time I have to fight back an inexplicable urge to get teary. 

"She's never said that before." Liss, too, looks emotional; she's never once shown any jealousy if I get to be the one to experience one of these firsts before her, like this and like the time Lil smiled for the first time, right at me; rather, I think she's more moved for me than anything. As she brings Lily close, the baby leans out of her arms towards me and I immediately take her as she still looks back and forth between us as if she can't figure out what all the excitement is about. Liss sits beside me and waves her bear at her; Lil tries to reach for it. "Say it again, Lily," she coaxes, keeping it just out of her reach as an enticement. "Who's that, muffin?" she adds, pointing at me.

Lily looks up at me with her soulful, solemn gaze and then says again, "Da," really looking at her mum now as if she's gone quite mad; of COURSE she knows, her expression says, who that is! We're soon hugging and kissing, the three of us, and then Liss gives over the precious bear and Lil's content and happy, though every so often she gazes at us as if she'll never figure out why we get so excited about things where she's concerned.

"You're so smart!"

"Good girl!" 

She smiles her sunny, gorgeous smile and I tell Liss truthfully, "Our daughter is the most incredible child on the planet." 

Liss agrees. Both of us are more than a little biased when it comes to our baby. 

A Conversation with Lily

We've talked some about having another child, but have decided to wait until Lily is at least a year and a half old before seriously trying; that way she'd be at least two when another baby is born and Liss especially won't be driven as mental with two tiny ones to care for. Though Lily's been such an easygoing child that I fear she's spoiled us for anything else. Although, trust me: even though we've made the decision to give it a bit more time before having another go, we sure as hell have fun getting practice sessions in at baby making.

I love having conversations with Lil; have since she was first born; Lissy kind of laughs over it but I swear to you that the baby completely understands whatever it is I'm trying to tell her. Now that she's beginning to babble and start to learn that everything has a name or a corresponding word, I enjoy it even more.

She's usually tucked on my lap or I'll lie there with her sitting on my chest; she's able to pretty much sit up on her own and I reckon before long she'll be crawling. She's now going on six months old and I treasure every moment I spend with her, knowing that I'm taking a hand at shaping the sort of little person she'll become in future.

Today is a rare day off for me and I've got Lil perched atop my chest as I lie stretched out on Lissy's and my bed. Half the time I'm not even completely aware of what I discuss with my daughter; I just start talking and Lily will let me go. I know she has a lot of special, personal moments with her mum, too; though today, Liss took advantage of my being home to go out and run a few errands. It's just me and my girl for now.

I'm telling Lil about how, when she's a bit bigger, I'm going to take her out riding with the horses and show her the world. She gazes at me, enraptured. At least, I think so. When I first came over here to get things going on the film, and she and Liss followed thereafter, it took a bit for her to get comfortable with me again, since I had to cut my hair and go clean-shaven for this role, and she was used to this big sort of shaggy bear of a dad. She's used to me now, but as always, I watch her watch me and only am able to guess at what she might be thinking. "Da," she says, and then beams at her exceptional cleverness.

"You know, you've got to learn to say Mum. Gonna hurt her feelings here, if you don't get that down soon enough." She tips her head to one side, gazing at me quizzically. Didn't I do good, Dad? I smile at her and try again. "C'mon, Lil...say Mum."

"Da." Then, almost obstinately, "Dada." 

"No, 'Mum'. Let's try that before she gets back, all right? 'Mum'." 

"Ba." She reaches for her stuffed teddy and I take it from her, making her look stunned. What're you doing to me, Daddy?  "Look, Lil...say Mum and I'll give him back."

She looks like she's deciding whether to cooperate or cry, knowing full well that if she cries, I'll hand it over. She's shamelessly manipulative where I'm concerned; I'd do anything for her and she damn well knows it. She stuffs a finger in her mouth, getting all drooly---she's starting to teethe and she's been kind of out of sorts off and on recently, something I feel sorry for her for---then she pops it out and says "Ma."

"Yeah, that's right! Good on ya, Lil! Say it again."

She looks pointedly at Teddy as if to say, But aren't you forgetting something first? I give it to her, she clutches it, and then says, "Ma...ma..." smiling prettily again at her bright new word. And Lissy's not even here! But she knows. Didn't I tell you she's smart?

"Ma...ma...ma...ma...ma..." Now that I've got her started, she won't stop.

Feeling unnecessarily a little left out now, even though I'm the one that got this going to begin with, I prompt, "Great, love. Now can you say Daddy again?"

"Mama," she says, loud and clear, and then to top it all off, she giggles.

I have to grin. She may be small, but she realises she's definitely playing with me. And, she knows that she's got me firmly wrapped around her tiny little finger, much as Lissy always teases me she does. I try once more. "Who's the boss 'round here, Lily?"

Now I KNOW she's toying with me as she proudly proclaims, "Mama!"

Somehow, though, I suspect she's probably right in that regard.