First Full-On Family Crisis

"Look, can you show Daddy?'

Lily makes this stubborn sound and buries her face against Lissy. She's had this cold for a little bit now and to top it all off, she's cutting a tooth. Actually, the doctor we phoned said they might be related; cutting a new tooth can sometimes make kids kind of under the weather. This is the first time since we've had her that Lil's been even the least bit sick; Liss is concerned but we both think once the new tooth gets all the way in, she'll be fine. She was up off and on all last night because she was bothered by it; we finally ended up putting her into bed between the both of us to get her to go to sleep. Now I've got to go off to work and I have to say, I'd rather not, though the studio would raise hell if I put off a day's filming due to my daughter's newly emerging tooth. 

"She's still hot, Russell." Lissy looks worried. 

I place my hand on the baby's forehead; she's slightly warm but it's not too bad. "She's fine, Liss," I assure. 

Liss replaces my hand with hers; Lily makes a grumbling noise and scowls at us. 

"She's all right, I guess...I just feel so bad for her." Then, she strokes Lily's chin with her fingertip. "Muffin, please show Daddy, okay?"

She's able to gently pull Lil's lower lip back for about ten seconds, just enough for me to see the tiny white bud on her gumline. "Wow, look at that," I tell Lily, trying to make it sound like The Greatest Thing on Earth. "Such a pretty smile!"

I'm rewarded by another sort of growling grumble and such a pretty frown, rather than the smile I'd hoped for. Kissing her and then my wife, I tell her, "Okay, well, I'm going to go, but I expect my happy cheery little girl when I get back."

Lily bats a hand at me as if to shoo me away; Liss sighs and then says reluctantly, "See you tonight, sweetheart. I probably won't be coming over today."

It's gonna be a long day today, I can tell. For both of us. 

I have no idea exactly how long or how traumatic a day until later on when I'm just wrapping up a scene and I look up when it's over to find Mark standing there waving at me with an urgently troubled look on his face.

"David called; Liss had to take Lily to hospital," he says as soon as I rush up. 

My heart stops and my mind races with everything that could go wrong with the baby. "What the fuck happened?" I manage to get out; fortunately the key people on set heard our exchange and aren't even trying to stop me as I hurry off with him.

"Don't know much; all I could gather is she put the baby down and when she went to go check on her she was really sick. She tried calling here but I reckon she wasn't able to get through; in a panic, she called David and he got both of them over there."

I picture Lissy frantic, frightened, and full of anguish. The last time I saw her that way, we suffered the miscarriage of the first child we were having, and that was enough for me. I never want to see her that way again. "Get me to them," is all I say, and soon we're racing off to the hospital.

I have no idea exactly what I'll find when I get there. Lissy's a pretty rational, practical mum; if she thought Lil was sick enough to go, then she was sick enough to go. End of story. But I don't know if, by the time I get there, they'll both be waiting for me to fetch them and bring them home, or if my daughter's hovering at death's door. I try not to think about this as we race silently over unfamiliar city streets, just fast enough to be legal and not be cited.

Once there, I burst into Emergency, ignoring the staring and flashes of recognition at the mere sight of me. Later on, sooner probably rather than later, we'll have to deal with the press; I'm sure someone here will alert the fucking media, but that's the least of my worries right now. "My wife?" is all I ask, and quick enough, I'm being shown to a room. When I open the door, David and Lissy both look up, Lissy's face streaked with tears, tired and pale, and I don't say a word to her, just open my arms up and she walks right into them, holding onto me tightly.

We've always drawn strength from each other just by physical contact; just by each other's presence. I'm not sure who draws more from who but I'm grateful right now for her warmth and security. I stroke her hair and murmur to her quietly, trying to calm both of us down. If I'd known this morning that Lily would've taken this turn for the worse I'd have never left her Mum alone to deal with it. She's hovering 'round the edge right now as it is, and I'm worried that she's gonna pass out. At least I'm here for her, though.

Finally I tip Lissy's face back to look into her big, brown eyes. "What happened?" I ask, and haltingly, every so often stopping to stifle a sob, she tells me. When she went to go check on the baby, she was feverish and was sounding like she was having difficulty breathing; she didn't know what else to do so she brought her here. Apparently the baby's got a respiratory infection and will have to be here for awhile; she's on oxygen and is being monitored in the children's care unit.  "She's going to be all right," I say, wanting so much to believe it, because after all the two of us have endured, both individually and as a couple, were anything to happen to our little girl I don't know if we would be able to survive it.

Liss continues on with what she knows and then when she's finished she takes a deep breath and then extricates herself from my embrace, just huddled in upon herself. "I want to see her," I tell her, and she nods, suddenly so emotionally distant from me that it's like this invisible wall is between us. I don't know what's initially happened, especially since when I first walked into the room we immediately gravitated towards each other for comfort and emotional support, but then I get it. She's understandably upset about Lil, but then she's completely pissed off about me not being there when it all happened. Of course, I had no fucking idea what was going on, and all that, and I'm sure that she realises this, but she's still upset and I get the feeling we're going to have this one out a bit later. Right now, all I'm concerned with is seeing Lil, letting her know that I'm here, and then Liss and I can sort out the issues between us when we're back at the hotel.

She looks back at me with this kind of belligerence in her expression---don't let her seemingly sweet and almost delicate appearance fool you, she's tougher than me in a lot of respects---and then looks away. I take her hand in mine, won't let go, because right now we're equal parents and partners and I'm not going to let her ever forget that, and we head off to the area where Lily is. We get briefed on what to expect, have to scrub up and get gowned to ward off any more germs, and then I look at her. "You coming?"

She follows but lets me approach Lily alone. I'm unprepared for the sense of utter helplessness as I look at my baby girl lying there. She's hooked to all this equipment; monitors, etc., an oxygen tube stuck in her small nose, seemingly lost in all the machinery and medical paraphernalia surrounding her. The stillness is the worst; from the moment Lil wakes to the time she falls asleep, she's constantly alert, bright-eyed, and on the go. Over the last little while, she's started to crawl; we've had a hell of a time trying to put things up and watch out for hazards all over the suite, so to see her so immobile is heartbreaking to me.

I bend low over her, talk to her, for the nurses told us even though right now she's sleeping she can probably hear us and know we're there for her. When I glance back at Liss, her eyes are closed, her arms folded protectively around herself, and she's almost swaying with exhaustion. Telling Lily we'll be back, I go to Lissy and hold onto her; she jumps, startled. "Are you going to be okay, sweetheart?"

"No." My heart starts thudding again, wondering if I'm going to have to have her admitted as well, then she says, "Yes. Maybe. I don't know." With the barest trace of sarcasm, she blurts out, "Are you going back to work?" Then she looks remorseful she said that, although she steadfastly looks at me with that hint of defiance I mentioned earlier in her eyes.

I have to struggle not to snap at her either as I say softly, "No, I'm not going back to work today." I can feel the tension between us rapidly building and growing out of control and only pray we make it back to the hotel without having a major squabble or else word will REALLY get out, and if there's anything I don't want it's the British press making a huge deal out of any of this. As it is I can only imagine once they find out, which they inevitably will if they haven't in the short span of time we've been here, they'll have Lil clinging to life by a mere thread. I tell her I want to take her back to the hotel and she refuses to leave Lily; I don't want to leave her either but at this point there's not much else we can do until she wakes and starts rallying around, and I'm worried that Lissy's gonna collapse on me.

She actually accuses me of wanting to abandon our daughter and leave her there. That's the exact term she uses: abandon. I'd never fucking abandon either one of them; I know after we had all the strife with the loss of the other child I ran out on her and I've had to deal with the fallout guilt from that, but we've worked through that and I'd never turn my back on either of them. Liss damn well knows this and at this point it's all I can do not to have it out right then and there. I can understand her fear and her hurt but despite the fact that I wish I hadn't left this morning and I'd been there to help her handle it all, I didn't know. And I wish she'd allow me some bit of concession on that one.

So we leave and on the way home you can almost see frost on the windows of the vehicle, it's that tense and angry. I try to take care of her, get her to lie down and order up some food and she's fighting me all the way. Finally my infamous temper gets the best of me and I say in that deadly quiet tone that makes most everyone know they're on the edge of something unpleasant, "Why don't you just come right out and say it?"

"What?" I'm going to go on the record here and tell you that I hate fighting with Lissy. I hate it. But sometimes, when we have it out, that's the only way we can move from Point A to Point B, letting it all boil over like some mad fucking hurricane.

"You're fucking pissed at me, 'cause I wasn't there when all this happened! I don't know how I can make it up to you, but I didn't know! If I'd known how sick Lily would have gotten, I'd have never left this morning. Never. But why don't you just come out with it and tell me what a lousy fucking father you think I am to our child? That I don't deserve to be that little girl's parent...that I'm a goddamn asshole and a loser and you want to beat the shit out of me right now."

She cries then and all the piss and fire goes right out of her. She tells me that she doesn't think I'm a bad father, not an asshole or a loser, which makes me feel better. I can feel the miserable upset at least fade, if not go mostly away altogether, and then I hold onto her and apologise, once again, that I wasn't there when she needed me the most. Not that I could help it, but I'm not trying to make excuses, either.

Liss falls sound asleep before our food even gets there, on the couch, and I even take a bit of a breather and fall asleep in the armchair nearby. I think we're both out for at least an hour. I wake after she does to find her still lying there, the blanket I got for her wrapped around her, and she's watching me. When she notices I'm up, she smiles and I know things are right between us again.

I come to sit beside her and she draws her legs up, sitting up to make room for me. Then I scoot her 'round so she's tucked in back against me and I can hold her. "Hungry?"

"In a bit." We sit like that for a long moment and then I speak first. "I can walk away from all of this, you know." 

It shows you how close we really are and how well we know each other that I can just go on to some other subject and she knows what in the hell I'm talking about. "You could...but you won't." Liss lifts her head to look at me, gentle candour in her eyes. "I know what's in your heart, Russell. You love it too much, and I don't think you'd be able to just walk away from acting without a backwards glance."

"I don't NEED to work..."

"No, but you want to, because it's something you enjoy. And I'd never expect you to give that up for me, or for Lily. You're just feeling guilty because you weren't here, and I didn't help matters any." I kiss her temple and she goes on. "If you gave up anything for me, anything that's a part of who and what you are, you'd end up resenting me sometime for it, and I'd resent myself, too." She shrugs. "We thought we had a system in place, for us to communicate if we needed each other and you were away, and there were problems. We'll work it out, like we usually do. That's all." Looking at me, she smiles. "Big surprise, sweetheart. We don't have all the answers and I don't think we ever did."

"Especially when it comes to parenting." Y'know, I'd heard some joke once that kids should come with instructions and I believe that now more than ever. Liss laughs. "Yeah, especially when it comes to parenting. But, I don't think there's anyone on Earth that has the answers to that, to be honest. Doesn't matter if you make 30 mil a picture, you're not any better or know any more than the doorman bloke downstairs." I have to grin; Lissy trying to use Aussie slang amuses the hell out of me, and she knows it so she does it on purpose, oftentimes messing it up on purpose, too. "But in the end you're both people who love your kids and want what's best for them and that's all that's important."

"How'd you get to be so bloody brilliant?" I tease her. 

Liss winks. "I'm a mum, remember?"

"Yeah, well, that doesn't make you any better than anyone else, either," I tell her, as she nudges me in the side and I kiss the tip of her nose. "But in the end you're the mum of MY kid and that's what's important." I then take her mouth with mine, nice and slow and gentle. "You're my wife, and that's what's important. Not any of that other bullshit."

Lissy laughs again. "You have a way of expressing yourself, you know that?" She's teasing but the look in her eyes gives me a warm feeling. "Yeah...you know how it is...here, let's eat and then we can talk about going back to the hospital to see how Lily's doing."

Her expression grows sober; I know she's thinking of the baby the way she looked in the hospital, all still and sick. "She's going to wake up and be so scared, Russell."

"She'll be okay till we get there, Liss." 

"If she wakes up...and neither one of us are there...she's going to be so upset. She already doesn't understand what's happening to her...she's going to think we've left her and she'll be frightened."

"It's okay, sweetheart." But I'm already unwrapping all of the hotel food, getting her to eat. I know how Liss is, and especially how Liss is as a mummy. Right now all of her protective maternal instincts are coming out strong and I can't say that I blame her, if I could take any of it away from our daughter, I'd do it in a heartbeat. I felt that way towards Lissy after we had the miscarriage, and then again watching her in labour with Lily, that if I could ease any of her pain and shoulder some of it myself, I'd feel a whole lot better. "Let's eat and then we'll both feel stronger and we'll be able to handle things."

We're not prepared when we arrive at the hospital for photographers and shit waiting for us like a bunch of fucking vultures on a dead carcass. I've always had this hate/hate relationship with the British media; they've taken spinning untruths to a new level of an art form. There's not a ton of them there, not like going out to a premiere or something like that, but there's about four or five of them and that's all it takes; there'll be something in every reputable, semi-reputable, and wouldn't-wipe-your-ass-with-it paper in the morning.

Mark looks at both of us. "Someone's tipped them off," he says quietly, in that tone that we know to mean And I'll Find Out Exactly Who That Someone Is. "Can try going to one of the other entrances but I'll betcha they've got at least one or two of them staked out all over. Think you two can make a run for it?"

Liss surprises me by sitting up even straighter and shouldering her bag. They can't get anything while we're in here; the windows are tinted. But she glares at them as if they could see her and turn to stone. "I'm not running for anything, Mark. I have every right to be here, as does Russell, but I'll be damned if I'm going to act like a scared rabbit just because they've found out Lily's sick." She looks at all of us who are now gazing back at her with more than a hint of extreme admiration. "I'm here for Lily and I don't give a damn what those dumbass pricks think...we all know they're going to make up what they want to anyhow." Meeting my gaze head on, she continues, "Let's go to our daughter."

David and I look like she's our hero; I have to stifle a laugh 'cause Mark looks absolutely floored by her show of bravado. "Well, good on ya," he tells her. "All right, you let me out first, then you two and then David will protect the rear."

He gets out and I can hear him warning the press to back off and give us some room. I look at my wife who looks mad enough to spit nails. "I don't have to ask if you're ready," I say.

"Bring it on," she grits out between her teeth, and I give her a swift kiss. 

We vary our protocol on times like these; it depends on the occasion and what we're up against. I make a swift decision whether to let Liss out before me; but rather than feeling like I'd be throwing my wife to the sharks I'd actually feel a twinge of sympathy towards the poor bastards lying in wait for her. So I go first, then Liss, she immediately puts her hand in mine and follows me and Mark straight in without flinching, and admirably without making a single nasty remark or comment to any of them, and then David falls into step behind us as is his normal mode of instantly protecting Lissy.

Once inside it's quiet and peaceful as the hospital is sort of used to this sort of ridiculousness---they've treated British celebrities as well as members of Parliament and the Royal Family and so they've sadly kind of got procedures in place for instances like this---and I can't help but kiss Lissy again and give her a hug. "You did great, love."

"Oh, please, give me a fucking break," she says, making a face. "Just get me to Lil, please, will you?" 

I have to fight a grin and looking at the other blokes we all have to fight the urge to wink at each other 'cause she's in fighting mode and I couldn't even begin to compare to her when she's the one who's severely pissed off over something. So I just take her hand in mine once more and we go off in search of our little girl.

Once we're there, Lissy's demeanour changes; I can see her strong persona visibly crumple, just a bit, at the sight of Lil so sick and silent. I just squeeze her hand and the two of us move in to be near her.

Her condition hasn't changed since we left earlier; that is to say, that while she hasn't improved, she thankfully hasn't gotten worse, either, although they tell us that for now we won't be able to hold her until she's revived somewhat and has started to come around. So I wrap her tiny fingers around one of mine, Liss takes her other, and we both stroke her skin and talk quietly to her.  

Lissy reaches with her free hand and gently caresses Lily's hair, which never fell out from when she was first born; it's getting longer and growing into silky curls, even at seven months old. That's when we first see Lil's eyelids flutter and then she stirs; finally, her dark eyes peep open and she looks at her mum.

I can tell Liss is trying not to cry; she doesn't want to scare the baby. She manages a shaky smile as Lil's gaze flickers to me, too. "Hi, muffin," she says.

Lil tries to make a sound which ends up in a cough; Lissy tenderly shushes her in that way she has. "It's okay, sweetie," she says. "Isn't it, Daddy?"

I feel both her and my daughter's intense need for reassurances from me. "Everything's fine, Angel," I tell Lily. "Go back to sleep. You're sick but we're gonna get you all better; me and Mummy are here to take care of you. We love you."

"We love you," Lissy echoes, and as Lily closes her eyes and drifts off again, Liss bursts into tears and leans against me for support. 

"It's going to be all right, Liss," I tell her, and while I know that we've got our child in the right place and she is truly going to get well, seeing her in such a fragile state is heart wrenching. Lissy composes herself and swipes at her tears; Gladiator Mum is back in business.

"I won't let them see me this way," she whispers fiercely, and I know she means the predatory photographers outside. 

"That's my girl," I murmur to her, and while I realise we're both in our own struggle seeing our daughter suffer so, we've got each other to lean on for comfort.

Later that night, back at the hotel, I wake to find Liss missing out of bed. Somehow, I know just where she is; I know her too well to wonder. Slipping out of our bed, I pull on some jeans and go off to the bedroom we put Lily in, standing in the doorway until she notices me.

She's on the big bed that we shoved aside to make room for the baby's things; holding onto that bear that's Lily's special companion. She's got her legs drawn up, the bear clutched to her chest and her head resting on her knees. She senses me and looks up. I don't say anything, just come over and sit on the bed next to her, wrap my arms around her and my cheek against her hair.

"Since we conceived her," Liss says, "I have never spent a night without her. Ever." This is true. Lily was obviously part of her mummy throughout the pregnancy; since giving birth to her we've left her at times during the day, we're not that protective, but Liss at least has been there every single night of her young life to care for her. This has to be hard for her. I rub her back in slow, ever broadening circles, and she lets out a sigh. "You want to come back to bed, love?" I ask softly, not wanting to push and not wanting to make her feel like her hurt's trivial or silly. She understands that I understand.

She shakes her head.

"Want to sleep in here tonight?" I ask, suspecting the truth. 

She nods.

So I pull back the blankets, first tuck her in like a small girl, with her still hugging that bear of the baby's, then I get rid of the jeans and join her. She cuddles against me and I kiss her; in minutes we're both fast asleep.

Hell Hath No Fury Like Gladiator Mum and Dad

The next day, we're smarter; we got in touch with the hospital and we go into the underground parking and use the hospital employee's entrance. There's a security checkpoint there and they won't let the media hover as close so we can pull right up, get out and walk in fairly undisturbed. About all they're getting now are some nice shots of the backs of our heads.

As predicted, the news that Lily's here made every news paper and programme by morning. And, also as predicted, none of them have their facts straight. They've got her ill with everything from measles to Chinese bird flu; and then they have her on the brink of death, Liss and I heartbroken and despondent in our efforts to bring in top surgeons and doctors from around the world to treat our desperately sick child. The two of us scoff it off even as I can tell it's totally got Lissy still in fighting mode. She's not like me; she'll keep it all in to herself, unless the wrong person steps on her toes and then that'll be that. There'll be another Crowe making headlines and I can tell you I'll fully support her in whatever she does at that point.

We've called all the family to let them know that yes, Lil's sick but is slowly getting better; so as not to panic anyone when word gets to the rest of the world, which we expect it will in record time. She IS better; she's awake when we go in to see her, although plainly not feeling well at all, but we get to hold her for a bit. She's got to have breathing treatments and that's the hardest part; she hates the stuff pushed up to her nose and mouth but then for the second one of the day I hold her while it's going on, Liss beside her holding her hands and talking to her, and she seems to calm down. We shower her with love and I think that more than anything is what she needs the most.

Later that evening Mark comes to us; we got Lily asleep and are preparing to leave. "Found the leak," is all he says, and I can see Lissy stiffen visibly. "Who?" I ask, as she gets that look on her face that she's learned from me. Watch out.

"If you come with me," he says, "we can even catch him in the act. Won't that be something?" So we follow him, Lissy's hand in mine once more and David watching over us from the rear, and we go to the main floor but to one of the side entrances mostly used for delivering freight.

The bloke's one of the hospital maintenance people; he's got a uniform on and I realise with my actor's acute eye for memorising detail that I've seen him about; he was there when I arrived that first day and then he was mopping one of the corridors as Lissy and I left last night. Not near the paediatric special care unit where Lil is; I reckon he doesn't have the clearance; but I noticed him watching us and only figured he was staring because of who I was. We've only got the door peeked open a crack but it's enough for me to hear him say to the few reporters and photographers standing there, "So, the Crowe child's condition..."

Gesturing to Liss, David and Mark to allow me to handle this one, I fling the door open, nearly scaring him half to death, and say in that same deadly quiet tone I took with Liss when we were fighting, "The 'Crowe child's' name is Lily. Liliana Jade Crowe, to be exact. And I'd appreciate it if in future you'd refer to her by name."

I let the door slam shut but not before I can see the bloke's completely terrified look at the Crowe Child's Angry Dad confronting him. And the best part is my little brief entrance/exit was so quick and so unexpected that none of the press got a single photo of me or anything.

Mark and David clap an encouraging hand on my shoulders and Liss just wraps her arms around my waist and gives me a nice kiss. "Let's go home," is all she says.

I can about guarantee you that leak's nicely plugged now. 

We've Got Our Little Girl Back!

The next day when we arrive to see Lil, we're greeted by mysterious cheery faces from the nurses. "We think you'll be pleased when you see her today," one of them tells us, as Lissy and I rush to our daughter.

Lily is sitting up in her hospital cot; no tubes, no monitors, and she seems quite bright and alert this morning. When she sees us, she smiles, showing her new tooth fully through the surface now, and lifts her arms out for us.

Lissy picks her up, hugging and kissing her, teary-eyed, and Lily cuddles with her mum, her head on her shoulder, one hand immediately grasping a fistful of Lissy's hair like she does when she's in need of comfort. "Mama," she says, and then, when she looks at me, "Dada."

"I love you, sweetie. I love you...I love you..." Liss whispers over and over to her, then she gazes at me and I lean over to kiss her forehead and then the baby's. "Here, why don't you give Daddy a love?" she says, and passes Lil over to me, but the baby barely stays in my arms for a moment before leaning out of them to get back to her mother. I can't help but feel a slight pang of hurt at this, being rejected by my own daughter.

Liss looks concerned. "Muffin, please go see Daddy?" Lil buries her small face into Lissy's shoulder and then peeks at me as if she doesn't recognise me. Damn, this is getting quite disturbing, though I try to shrug it off. "It's okay, don't force her, baby."

Speaking very quietly to her, Lissy strokes Lily's hair, rubs her back, and then the baby lifts her head and looks directly at me. I'm afraid to reach for her, but then she does first, holding both hands out, and when I take her this time, she snuggles against me without hesitation. I don't know what her mummy said to her but it worked. I kiss her and hug her; she giggles and I've got my sweet sunny precious girl back again.

"She just needed to warm up to your considerable charm," Liss teases. She's watching us with that look she gets of pride and affection; she told me once whenever she sees me with Lily she's overwhelmed by the realisation that we're hers. I get the same feeling whenever I look at the both of them together.

"Dada," Lily says again, and when I look down at her in my embrace, she reaches up and pats my cheek with her chubby hand. I smile at her and she grins widely, showing off that brand-new tooth once more.

I shift Lily over so I've got her just in one arm, then I hold out the other one for my wife and she comes and snuggles against me, too. And I feel the most perfect sense of rightness, with my two girls beside me, the way it should be.

We find out that Lily has indeed improved; but since she's still got a cough and is pretty susceptible to germs yet, she's to stay here one full week. She's still on the breathing treatments although with me and Lissy to help her get by, she's tolerating them a bit more. We're going to have to, when we get to take her home with us, have air humidifiers in her room for a while. And, as Liss looks pointedly at me, I'm gonna have to be extra careful about my smoking. I've been gradually cutting back, especially since Lil was born, and also 'cause Lissy's not too keen on it, but with a sick daughter around, I'm certainly going to have to make more of an effort.

One of the most welcome reunions, besides the one with us and her, is the reunion of Lily and her beloved bear. Liss had it carefully cleaned, to make sure there wasn't anything that would harm her, and we brought it with us to give to her today, to maybe give her more of a sense of security when we aren't there with her. She clings to it and then she settles back in my arms, on my lap, happily babbling away to it, I reckon telling it all about her hospital stay. Now that she's taken to me again, she's back to being a proud Daddy's girl, as Lissy calls her.

Later that night, when we're both back at the hotel and preparing for bed, I happen to ask Liss, "What did you say to her?"

"Who?" But she's smiling.

"Lil. Today. When she wouldn't come to me and you were chatting her up. What did you say to her?"

"I'll never tell." Liss giggles as, clad only in her knickers, she reaches for my shirt she always wears to bed. I grab for her, take the shirt from her and toss it onto a chair. "You're not going to need that tonight."

"I won't?" She closes her eyes and melts into me as I cup both of her breasts in my palms and bury my face against the side of her neck. "Oh, no...I guess not."

"I have ways of making you talk." She's coherent enough that she's reaching for the front of my jeans. I feel her clever little hand slip inside and almost forget what we were talking about. "I...oh, yeah, just like that...have ways of making you scream. Moan. Sob in ecstasy...good lord, Liss..."

"I told her," she breathes, kissing me tenderly, "how much we love her. How much you love her. I told her that you were the best Daddy in the world and the best to cuddle with...and I see I was right..."

"Let me show you how much I love you, angel." Sometimes I have to say, it's great being the only bloke around. You get more than your share of female attention. Someday, maybe, we'll have a son; even things up a bit, but for right now I enjoy all of this affection showered on me by the two main women in my life. Especially this one...right now...

Bringing Lily Home

After a few more days, we're able to fetch Lil from the hospital and bring her home. Let me tell you, that first evening we're all three together is one of the happiest I think I've known in some time. Lily's blossoming and thriving, especially on the attention and affection that Liss and I give her, and it directly relates to our own sense of contentment and joy. We even let her sleep in between us in our bed that first night she's back, just because neither of us can get over the jubilation that we've got our daughter safely back with us where she belongs.

I reluctantly go back to work on the movie; the studio obligingly pushed back filming to let me be with Lissy and spend time with Lily, even though I know it cost them some money. But, the way I look at it is, the quicker this is all done, the sooner we can head back home and have some down time again. Not that I regret taking this part, I reckon sooner or later we had to find out how we handled it with a baby and such, but after the scare with Lil and then now that her development is so rapid again, on a day-to-day basis, I'm eager to spend time with her and be there for her as much as I can.

One evening when I come home and Liss brings the baby out to greet me, she stops just short of letting me take her from her. "Watch this." She looks at Lil. "Blow Daddy kisses," she encourages. There's a pause while Lily shifts her bear out of her arms and gives her to Mum---apparently this is something she needs both hands for---then, first looking to Liss for approval and then me for even more approval, she touches her fingers to her lips and then flings both arms out wide. Lissy laughs and I grin. "That's about the sweetest thing I've ever seen," I tell her, as she claps her hands without prompting---something else she's learned recently---and then comes to me for a hug. I can tell that indeed, when she gets older, I'm in for a heap of trouble, since at this young age she's already a flirt and a heartbreaker and I can see that Dad's gonna have to hang around to protect her. Beat the blokes off with a stick, as I used to tell Liss when we were pregnant with her.

As I set her standing on the floor between my feet, holding onto both of her hands, she's already trying her hardest to learn to walk. Her toes dig into the carpeting as she strains forward against my hold on her, wanting nothing more than just to take off and go. She can pull herself upright, kind of even inch sideways if she's holding onto something, but she wants to be free and completely mobile, although she also realises that she's not quite ready yet.

Liss smiles as we both watch her, one tiny foot pawing the floor impatiently. "She's raring to go, isn't she?" she comments. I notice the look on her face, because it's the same as I feel: immense pride that she's growing up, yet a sort of sadness that she is, at the same time.

"She doesn't understand that she can't," I respond, letting go of her hands as she grips the edge of the low table in front of her, carefully sidestepping (the baby books call it 'cruising' at this stage) over towards her mummy.

"Of course she doesn't get the concept of 'can't'," Liss says, holding one hand out for the baby; Lil cautiously lets go of the table edge with one of hers and lets her mum help her. "She's your daughter, you know." She picks Lily up and holds her on her lap, giving her Teddy back as a special reward; the baby applauds for herself again and we both laugh. "She's certainly got your self-confidence," my wife adds, stroking the baby's curls and kissing her atop her head.

Out of all the sterling and then not-so-stellar qualities I could've passed on to my offspring, I reckon that's not so bad after all. 

Lily's trying so hard to walk on her own, and I've kind of taken it upon myself to be the one to help her. Liss says she'll do it when she's ready and we should let her develop at her own pace, but I recognise the gleam of determination in her eyes and am trying all I can to assist her. I feel like a papa bird about to bump his little one out of the nest in the hopes she'll spread her small wings and fly.

I sit on the floor with her; stand her up in front of me, her hands wrapped around mine, and then slowly back away, so that Lil will either have to let go or end up falling on her face. As I get further from her, I can see her dark eyes first look a bit panicked, then startled, gazing at me in bewilderment: Why are you leaving me, Daddy? Then, as she's barely able to rest the tips of her tiny fingers on mine, I can see her waver and then that look that reads, this time, I'll do this.

Sometimes, she sways so precariously that I have to reach for her to steady her almost immediately. A couple of times she's leaned out so far to try to keep her grip on me that she does nearly plant her face in the carpet and I have to grab for her myself. But there's a few times where she manages to take one or two steps before she loses her balance and ends up falling over on her bum. Then she claps and smiles and I have to, too, at her mini accomplishment. She knows that her ultimate goal is to be able to do this all the time---she notices all of the big people around her walking, and she understands that eventually, she, too, will be mobile like us---but for now, one or two steps is a feat unto itself, and she's pleased that she's able to do that much.

Besides, it takes a lot of trust in me on her part, to put her hands in mine and then be able to let go; to know that I'm still here and waiting to help her; that I'm so close and I'll keep her from hurting herself. I think of something Lissy told me, when we were having all those problems and I left her to go to Texas for awhile to sort out my head; she was already pregnant then with Lily but neither of us knew it. I reckon once she found out, when she was alone, it took a lot of her own trust in me to believe that I'd find my way back to her once more. I'm not letting you go because I don't love you; I'm letting you go because I do. Those words have stayed with me, and I take them to heart.

I feel that same way as I try to teach my daughter to walk. Because although part of me would like her to stay tiny and dependent on me for her care, another part encourages her independence, wants to see my little baby bird take off flying.

First Date without the Baby

Finally, I've finished the movie and there won't be anything more to worry about until it's time to do publicity for it. We're free and clear to head home; Lil got the okey dokey from her British paediatrician, and so we're on our way back, but first we plan to stop over in America and spend a bit more time visiting with Lissy's side of the family, since they don't get to see Lily as often as my side does and I know they miss her. We'll arrive back and spend just a little time in Sydney catching up with friends there before arriving at the farm in time for Christmas. Lily will be ten months old by then, nearly eleven, and then it's a quick stretch until February, when she turns a year old, the first year in her young life. Besides Lily's birthday, we have Lissy's; her day is just three days before Valentine's and then Lil was born the day thereafter, which made a hell of a great gift for her mummy, I can tell you. This last one, both Liss' birthday and Valentine's got kind of lost in the shuffle; she really didn't feel like celebrating either too fully, since first she was hugely pregnant waiting to give birth and then she was recovering from it. This coming year, we've got a lot to celebrate, and we'll make the most of it.

I'm hoping while we're here in the States, it'll snow, since when we get back home, it'll be warm and summery, something Lissy says she'll probably never get used to. A proper Christmas to her is one that's white; and while she's okay with not being here for that, if I could, I'd import snow just for her to enjoy at the farm. Me, I'm not too keen on cold and frost and all of that, but it's something that I want Lily to experience, since it's part of her Mum's world and we've always vowed we'd give her the best of both.

We settle into our home here and as usual, it's like we never left. Lily is so easily adaptable that she seems to take to this as readily as she did living in a British hotel for several months. She's still trying to learn to walk; we bought her a toy pushcart and with that in front of her, she can go all by herself as long as she doesn't let it get away from her, but she hasn't quite mastered the art of navigation; when she runs into something, she's stuck until one of us comes to rescue her and point her in another direction. She loves it and can push it for hours. We read that can actually help speed up her progress walking unaided, which isn't quite ready to happen yet, but she doesn't care, she loves her new toy and she loves the fact she's doing it pretty much by herself.

One day, Liss is out with her sister doing some shopping; she left Lily alone with me, which worked out perfectly because I've got something planned for the both of us. When she comes home in the early evening, she enters the room expecting, I know, to greet me and the baby and she looks a bit surprised to see only me sitting there. "Where's Lily?"

She's about to head to the baby's room when I say casually, "She's not there, love." 

"What...?" She catches the sparkle in my eye and smiles. "What have you done with our child?"

"She's staying at your mum's." Meaningfully, I add, "Overnight." 

"Ahh..." The smile grows even more. "Overnight," she repeats. Then, all sweet innocence, "What are we going to do while she's away, then?"

"We'll think of something." I hold out a hand for her; she comes over to sit beside me. "Actually, we're going to go out on a date." 

"A date?" Liss looks excited. Now, it's not, as I mentioned before, that the two of us have ceased to exist as a couple since we became parents, but since Lil came along, things have understandably gotten more complex. It's not like, either, the two of us haven't gone out here and there, especially with family around to help out, but this is the first I've referred to us truly making an event out of it and she seems touched. "A real, actual date?"

"Yeah, you know, dinner, conversation, maybe dancing or a show, with the hopes of bringing you home and getting you into bed afterwards." 

She laughs. "That's more of a promise than a hope, I'll have you know." Then, "Does my being such an easy slut lessen my chances for candlelight and flowers, chocolates and romance?"

I chuckle. "No...Although that does make my part a little less uncertain, y'know, takes some of the pressure off of me." 

"Well, good." I'm amazed she's waited this long as she then asks, "Where are we going?"

"You'll find out soon enough." I love surprising Lissy. Hasn't happened too much recently, 'cause when you have a child, your life kinda automatically gets scheduled out by the demands of the baby and all, but I still try to throw her a little off-guard now and again. "We'd better get dressed, we have reservations."

"How am I supposed to dress?" Fishing for hints, I see.

"Wear something pretty." 

She looks affectionately exasperated. "Fancy-pretty or just-kind-of-nice-pretty?"

I stand, help her to her feet, and point her in the direction of our bedroom. "Fancy-pretty." 

She sighs but her expression is excitedly bright. "I'm going to change in the guest room," I tell her. "Meet you back here in twenty minutes."

"Twenty?!?"

Hopefully, I amend, "Half an hour?"

"Forty-five." 

I roll my eyes. "Forty." 

Lissy smiles again. "I'll try for half an hour, but only 'cause you've gone to all this trouble and I'm impressed with your planned seduction scene, Russell."

With that she scampers off before I can swat her on the rear. 

Thirty-five minutes later, I'm sitting there waiting when I hear her clear her throat softly and I look up, feeling like I've just been punched in the gut, real hard.

I love Lissy no matter what. I love her with no makeup and her hair a mess, I've seen her covered with mud, soaking wet from head to toe, and never thought there was anything more beautiful. I love her in jeans, in one of my flannies or old footy shirts, barefoot, pregnant, or in nothing at all. But nothing can compare to her when she's in her finest, when she looks as regal as a princess and I feel almost unworthy to be seen next to her.

She's got on this simple black dress, with long sleeves and a high neckline, straight and hugging her body in all the right spots. I think it's cashmere or something like that. Anyway, it looks demure but when she turns around for my approval it dips down to this V midway down her back and shows off this nice expanse of her silky skin. She's pinned her dark hair up in a neat twist and then she's got on nice stockings and heels. She looks sexy and elegant, classy and sassy all at once. I note with approval she's got on these diamond earrings I gave her and then her mum's pendant that I brought back from Texas with me, before I even knew about Lily. It stands for the first baby, the one we lost, but has also become a reminder of our daughter now.

"You look gorgeous, baby," I tell her, kissing her. I've got a tailored suit on and such and I feel strangely like I did when we first really were dating, when things were new and relatively unknown. Only, like I teased her earlier, a great deal of the pressure's off 'cause she's now mine and she IS familiar and it's so good and fucking right between us.

Liss touches the pendant when she notices me looking at it. "I couldn't help it, I can't get completely away from the Mum thing," she apologises, and I laugh. "Wouldn't want you to get away from it, love, it's part of who you are." Then I remind, gently unwrapping her fingers from around it and kissing each one in turn, "But it's not all of who you are."

"No," she agrees. 

I run my hand down the side of her face. "And it's that other part of you I want to indulge tonight." 

"Sounds good." She lets me help her on with her coat as I get mine and then we're off. Mark's playing the role of chauffeur tonight; he gives us an approving look as we get in the car and head into the city.

We go to dinner at this lovely, intimate French restaurant we haven't been to in some time. I got us a quiet table off in its own little corner; the staff was happy to hear we were back in town and have made arrangements so that we're undisturbed and alone in our own special world, which, when you're us, unfortunately doesn't happen altogether too often. Mark's at a table nearby, near enough to keep an eye on us but not so close that we don't have any privacy. He's great at that.

By candlelight, Liss looks even lovelier. Got the flowers and the chocolate---well, at least some sort of fancy sweet dessert---coming later, and with that, I think her other request for romance will take care of itself.

Midway through our meal, I note with amusement Liss absently playing with her pendant, and I take my phone from my jacket pocket and hand it to her. "Just do it."

"What?" She looks startled at first, then embarrassed as she notices me holding the phone out at her. 

"You know you want to. I know you want to. And what's more, I want you to. Call your mum and make sure Lil's doing okay." 

"I shouldn't." 

"Your mother's probably expecting you to sometime tonight. And look, I'd rather you do it now than when we're in the heat of the moment later on...ease your troubled mind and call. Then you can relax, I can relax, and I can concentrate on my seduction of you."

Lissy giggles but there's still a pretty blush on her face as she calls. She speaks quietly to her for a short bit, and then I talk to her briefly before hanging up. Lil is doing absolutely fine; she's happy, healthy, and not missing her own mum or me one bit. We're told not to worry, not to give her a second thought, and most importantly, not to hurry to pick her up come morning. I've always loved Lissy's mum.

"Feel better?" I ask her, as I slip the phone away, reach across the table and cover her hand with mine. 

Liss nods. "I'm glad you understand." 

"There's nothing to mock you about, love. You're a good, concerned mother, and I'd expect nothing different from you. Besides, I wondered how she was doing myself."

"Now we can concentrate on us." 

I smile at the thought of this. "Now, yes, we can concentrate on us." 

And concentrating on us is a good thing. I've made absolutely sure, since we had Lily, that besides time with her, I've made deliberate time for Lissy, and I know that she's done the same for me. Between being new first-time parents and then the day job, it's been difficult at times, but it's been so important to me that neither of us lose sight, first and foremost, of what we mean to one another not just in terms of our child, but who we are to each other as husband and wife.

Predictably, we talk about the baby, neither of us can help it, 'cause she's a major part of our world and we both love her so deeply, but we talk about other things, too, and it's nice to have this time just to ourselves.

Over dessert---a wonderful crème brûlée---we make plans for Christmas, Lily's first and our first one as a family of three. I know that maybe later, she won't remember any of it, but nonetheless, I want it to be special, something that at least Liss and I will never forget. We talk about going back to Sydney, what we want to do there before heading back to the farm. Just general typical couple things, not a thought to film projects or recording sessions or publicity campaigns. It's always been like that with Liss; that side of our lives so far removed from the 'real' side that it's truly like travelling to another planet altogether. I enjoy that, 'cause for so long, I was so caught up in the other part of it that I wondered if I'd ever be able to settle down and find the peace and nirvana I'd always dreamed about. Did, though, and I'm forever grateful to God for that.

When we're through with dinner, and I'm helping her back into her coat, I ask her, "What do you want to do next? Dancing, a movie? It's kinda too cold for a walk out." Maybe we'll get the snow Liss is hoping for, before we head off for home.

Lissy shakes her head. "I just want to go home and spend some time alone with you, that's all I'd like to do." 

"Yeah?" Y'know I was hoping she'd say that. 

She smiles. I love that look she gets in her eyes when she looks at me the way she's doing now, like I'm her whole world, and that I hung the moon and stars just for her. Lily sometimes looks at me that way but it provokes a slightly more earthy reaction from me when I get that from her mummy. "Yeah," she responds softly, as I tuck her into the car next to me and we drive off into the night.

Once home, after I hang both of our coats up, I have to laugh; immediately off comes my suit jacket, and Lissy kicks off her high heels, sighing with relief as she digs her stockinged feet into our plush carpet, right there in the front room. "Oh, the price we pay to look glamorous," I tease, coming to stand behind her as she literally begins letting her hair down. "Here, let me do that." With expert practice, I find each pin and slip them out, burying my hands into her thick, dark hair as it comes tumbling down around her shoulders. When I'd set the handful of hairpins down on the low coffee table, Liss warns, "Lily..." and, still chuckling, I dump them into her evening bag. "Yeah, it's rough being a movie star," I joke, as she rolls her eyes. "Spare me the drama."

That's what I love about my wife. Never for a moment has she bought into the entire celebrity crap issue. With her shoes off, instead of being able to practically look me direct in the eye she has to tip her head back just a bit and it makes me feel all protective towards her. "What d'ya want to do now?" I ask.

Liss shrugs but I feel her cuddle into me and have some pretty good ideas. "Go to bed?" she suggests hopefully. 

"Are you tired?" 

She raises her head and looks at me with pure mischief in her expression. "You're getting sleeping all mixed up with sex, and I'm telling you, it doesn't have to be that complicated," she explains.

"Hey, I know where my priorities are...I'm just making sure you do, too," I tell her, even as I've got her hand in mine and we're making our way straight to our room.

"You've still got some stuff on that to-do list, buddy, I'm still waiting," she reminds, as I open the door to the bedroom, pleased to see that Mark got the signal, called David, and he was able to come in and do his part before we got back home. "Oh...never mind," Liss breathes, as we enter.

There are candles lit throughout, giving the room this soft, intimate glow, and then on the bureau are two huge cut crystal vases full of dark red roses. Lissy's eyes are sparkling and she turns to me, excited. "It's so beautiful. How did...?"

"Mark called David as we were finishing up at dinner, and he came in here and did it, per my instructions." I'm feeling pretty damn proud of accomplishing all of this, it's simple compared to some of my other little schemes, but she's once again got that beautiful look that makes me feel the world suddenly shrunk down to just us.

"He's not still here, is he?" Liss whispers, and I laugh. "God, I hope not."  Though like always, should we need either of them I'm sure they'd be able to be here as quick as can be. I check everything off she mentioned earlier. "Candlelight...check. Flowers...check."

"No chocolates." She gives me a mock pout. 

I kiss her gently. "I'll go out and buy you a big box tomorrow, I promise." 

"I think that last item...the romance part? I think that's definitely been taken care of," she says, as I just wrap my arms around her and hold her close. "Mmm," is my only response as I rest my chin atop her head and just savour the warmth and the nearness of her.

"I love you," I tell her. It's not like I've become this total sap since getting married...well, maybe just a bit, and then I think I sunk even more into it once Lil entered the picture...but since Liss and I almost lost everything we'd built together, I never ever take any of this for granted. I try to tell her this at least once a day. And if I don't I at least hope that I'm able to express that to her in other ways.

"I love you, too," she answers back. When she looks at me as she says that I know it's not some sort of automatic reply, she feels what I do and there's freshness and meaning to it every single time.

We've been like this for a long moment when I murmur in her ear, "Hey, baby?"

"Mmm?"

"Where's the zip on this dress? I mean, how am I supposed to get you out of this thing, anyhow?"

The quiet, reflective mood most thoroughly shattered, Liss lifts her head and laughs. "It's like a big knit tube with sleeves...it just slips on and off. See..." In one quick, efficient motion she slides the dress down, pulling her arms free of the sleeves, then I help her draw it over her hips and down her legs. I look with definite approval at her, clad only in the sheer black stockings and then two tiny bits of lace that I suppose when you're wearing that dress is all you can manage for lingerie. Not that I'm complaining, mind you. "Ah ha."

Lissy laughs again, even as she's working on the buttons of my shirt. "What would you do without me, anyhow?"

"Well, I sure as hell wouldn't be doing this..." She giggles even more and I have to join in. More often than not, sex with Liss isn't like some scene out of a romance novel but a comedy. That's the beaut of it though, no matter what it's like, we can just be ourselves around each other. Always. We're still laughing as we end up on the bed but then it quickly turns into a contented sigh from Lissy. "Oh...that feels good..."

"Yeah." I lift her over the top of me, loving, as usual, the wondrous look in her beautiful dark eyes. Even after all this time, it's like she's still amazed by this, by us and what we share. Neither of us feel a need for foreplay, so Liss immediately sinks down onto me, closing her eyes briefly as I fill her deep and full, and then she opens them and smiles down at me. "Yeah," I repeat, grinning at her, as we link fingers. "You gonna move anytime soon?"

"Maybe." But she's already wriggling, at first teasingly, and then with purpose, and then soon we're both kinda caught up in the midst of it all. Yep, we're definitely concentrating on us, all right.

When it's over and I hold her and she drifts off to sleep in my arms, all I can think of is how I told her that being a mum wasn't all that she was. It's true; although it's a wonderful part of her, I love watching her with our daughter, but I have to tell you, I love this part of her, too, the part that only belongs to me. Before Lil, I thought I knew all there was to know about Liss, but I'm only realising almost on a daily basis that I was wrong. She probably thinks she has me figured, too, but she doesn't. However, I look forward to slowly uncovering all these facets of her, bit by bit, for years to come. What's important is I know her heart, though, and she knows mine.

Maybe that's all we truly need to know.