Coming home after being apart from my wife for two of the longest months of my life, I wasn't expecting the news that she just gave me. Wasn't expecting Lissy to be so loving and gentle, so forgiving, so accepting of all the shit I've put her through so recently. 'Course, that's how Liss is; even through her own grief and fear and doubt, she's always been worried the most about me. Now I know why; we're expecting again, and even as guilt washes over me that I wasn't here for her for the first couple of months of it, I have to believe that this one will be all right. She's confident it will be; I can see it in her face as she lies here, quietly, in my arms, just looking at me with those dark eyes of hers that see through to the heart of me every single time. This baby's given her hope, given her a renewed faith in ME; and I can't help but bask in the sudden peace the knowledge of it has given me as well.

We've just made love; at first she was shy about letting me see her, knowing what I now know about her, but she's absolutely beautiful. To anyone else, you wouldn't even be able to tell there's something different about her. But there is; I can see it with my own practiced eye. Even as I watch her, one hand leaves me to come down to her own body and she unconsciously touches her belly, over the baby, before returning to tuck it trustingly into mine. She's going to be a wonderful mum; so often I've seen her with children, wondered what it would be like to have one of our own. From nearly the first moment I met her I envisioned her like this, pregnant with my child, and it damn near made my heart ache with wanting it so badly. Now it's real, and I snuggle her---the both of them---close to me, kissing the top of her silky head.

She sees my smile and reaches then to cradle my face, stroking there with her soft, small fingers. "What are you thinking about, babe?"

"What a good mum you're gonna be, Liss." 

Her own smile gets bright as she leans to kiss me. "You're going to be a good dad, too." The bedcovers are tangled down around our legs; she notices my slow perusal of her beautiful body and says, a bit self-consciously, "Stop it."

"What?"

"Stop looking at me that way." 

"What way would that be?" I ask her innocently. 

She blushes---something that always makes me grin, after all this time with each other, that I can cause that sort of reaction in her---and whispers, "Like you want to devour me whole."

"I missed you, sweetheart." 

She yawns. "Well, I'm tired, so let's just go to sleep now, all right?" 

I have to laugh as I draw the blankets up over us and cuddle her against me. "Yes, ma'am." 

We have an entire lifetime of love ahead of us. 

Can't tell you what a storm of a life we've had lately. Losing each other, when we separated, damn fucking near killed me, and then when we lost our first baby, that was nearly more than either of us could bear. It nearly destroyed us. But here we are, back together, more in love, closer than ever before, and we're now given the hope and promise of another child to love as well. It terrifies me to no end; even as I'm excited and grateful to be given a second chance with both Lissy and this new baby.

We'd keep the news to ourselves but we can't, not after everything we've been through, and so when the two of us waken next morning, we're breaking the happy news to my family and calling hers as soon as we can. My parents aren't even surprised to see I'm back; they're so used to my comings and goings, but they're ecstatic about the baby.

And I watch Lissy wherever we go, all that first day back. I've been starved for the sight of her; when we were apart from each other, me in Texas, and her here at home, we'd talk every night, as often as we could, but it's nothing like being near her, holding her, looking at her. Especially now that I know she's pregnant. Where she was so sick before, when she miscarried that other time, now she's absolutely healthy, glowing, even---always thought that was a kind of crazy thing to say, but now that I see that in Liss, I know it's true. She's radiant; and when she catches me just staring at her, she shakes her head and gets that amused look about her, but then I can see the love that she feels for me sparkling in her expression and know she understands me and what I'm thinking. There's a sort of soft serenity about her that I love; haven't seen that look in her for quite some time. Somehow, without words, she manages to convey how much she missed me, how much she needs me too; it's there in her eyes, in the way her hand will briefly touch me as she passes by me, the simple little gestures of everyday life that I've taken for fucking granted before and never will again. When I told her last night that I found all my dreams with her, I meant it. Liss fills up any empty spaces I might have within me; makes me whole, surrounds me with love and gives my life with her meaning. This child will, too; but I wouldn't have any of it were it not for Lissy.

Several nights later, I can't sleep, filled with thoughts, overwhelming ones, of my wife and the baby and all that's come and will come in our lives. Liss is still asleep though, curled up in my arms as she is every night, so I gently, carefully disentangle myself from her, pull on a worn pair of jeans, and quietly slip down the hall to the spare bedroom. Just stand there, in the semidarkness, and try to work out everything going through my head.

A few moments later, I sense Lissy an instant before she wraps her arms around my waist from behind, pressing herself against me, and then she kisses my shoulder. "What are you thinking?" I've been so caught up in all these thoughts and emotions lately; it seems she's asking me this all the time.

I half-turn, tucking her under my arm and bringing her in front of me so I can hold her. "This will make a perfect room for the baby." 

"Mmm. Yes, it will." She's so tiny, barefooted and sleepy yet, the top of her head barely grazing my shoulder as she looks up at me, reaches out and flicks on the lamp nearby. "But that's not what you're thinking about, here in the dark, is it? You always were a lousy liar." She's got one of my old flannies on, she always wears one to bed, and it drowns her, making her seem even smaller and more fragile.

"Didn't mean to wake you, Liss."

She smiles, gazing upward into my eyes. "You didn't. I knew you weren't asleep and I knew the moment you left our bed." 

"Why the hell didn't you say anything?"

"I thought I'd just see what it was that was keeping you up. And then, when you didn't come back I got worried, so here I am." She reaches up, cradles my face against her palm. "What's wrong?"

"I'm just thinking..." I don't even know if I can find the words to express what I'm feeling right now. Not that it matters to Liss; somehow she always seems to know. But she looks just a trifle concerned as she responds, "Must be something serious if it's keeping you awake, sweetheart."

"Nothing's really wrong, though." 

"Do you want to talk about it?" 

Maybe I do. I have to get out these feelings that are swirling through my mind. So I just nod and she takes my hand in hers. "Let's go back and do it in our own room, in bed." As we walk back to our bedroom, her other hand goes down to protectively cover the baby again and I ask anxiously, "Is it all right?"

"Yeah." She gets that shy sort of smile that makes my insides melt. "I just like to reassure myself it's really there, I suppose." 

"You'll be able to tell for sure before too long." I slip the jeans off, get back into bed beside her and then she automatically comes into my arms, her head against me and lets me hold her. Her hand's still over the slight curve of her belly; I cover it with mine and she sighs contentedly.

"About the other baby..." It still hurts to talk about it, even with the promise of this coming one. Truth be told, both of us dealt with it individually, as best we could, but not together, as we should have done. Lissy at least was able to confront her pain; I couldn't, and to do so now scares the shit out of me but her hold on me tightens and I know she'll try to help me through. "You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to," she tells me seriously.

"No...I have to." She doesn't say anything then, just waits for me to begin. I take a deep breath, think of the one that's nestled under our fingers and try to find the strength to speak aloud. "I wasn't there for you through the worst of it, Liss. And I'm sorry for that."

"Russ, you don't have to..." she looks at me now, but I don't want to stop when the words are beginning to spill from me. She's often accused me of shutting her out, of keeping things from her, and I've vowed to myself that won't happen again. "I'm sorry I ran out.  The hurt of it was so bad...I knew you were feeling that too, but I couldn't do anything because I couldn't get out of it myself."

"Russell..." her voice is incredibly soft, her tone full of love and utter compassion. "Please, don't be sorry about it anymore. I told you; remember...you don't have to be strong for me all the time. It's nice, and I love it, but sometimes, you just can't be. And it's okay, honey, it really is. We've got this one to think of now, we've got a new beginning, a chance to try again...and I don't want you to regret anything anymore. Please."

"I wasn't there for you when you found out about this one..." Though I understand why she did that. If she'd have told me while I was away, I'd have gotten on the first fucking flight back home; and I know she didn't want me back that way, out of some misguided obligation to her. It's not true, but I know that's why she kept it from me until I came home on my own. She looks a little guilty and I kiss her. "Don't, Liss. Though if I hadn't left at all..."

"We were waiting for you." Automatically she speaks of herself and the baby as two separate entities, and I reckon they are; still the way she refers to herself as a plural being now makes me smile. "That's all. We knew you'd find your way to us, and you did. And you're here. And that's all that matters now."

"Do you remember that night you wanted me to talk about it? And I couldn't? And I told you I wanted to feel alive again?" I see the barest shadow cross her face; of course she remembers. But her next words surprise me, for she's not still upset I told her that, she's once again only thinking of me. "That hurt me so much you felt that way. I felt so bad for you."

"Do you..." this part has stuck with me over the last several days when I've really thought about it. "Do you remember how we..." She doesn't fill in the blank, just watches me, waiting for what I'm trying to get at. "How it was violent, and angry, and I just...I just used you that night?"

"It wasn't like that, Russell." She genuinely seems puzzled, wondering how I could view it as such. "I don't remember it that way at all. Sure, we were both upset and hurting...but we both needed that, we both needed to give that to each other to try to be able to feel again." She frowns slightly. "Sweetheart, what are you getting at?"

"What if...." I feel like a fool for even trying to bring this up, for bursting the bubble of happiness that's surrounded her since I came back and she told me about our baby, "what if that's when this..." I gently stroke over her hand, over her belly, "happened?" Lissy still seems confused, so the next part comes out in a torrential rush. "What if we conceived the baby like that, Liss? In anger, in pain, in suffering?"

"Is that what's been bothering you?" She looks both relieved that we've finally gotten to the heart of the matter and sorrowful that this is coming out now. But she must see the guilt on my own face for she's the one who reaches for me this time, kissing me and holding me close. "That's not when it happened, Russ."

"How can you know?" But I feel a strange rush of relief at her words, wanting so much to believe it's not true. 

"Because I do." She gives me that ever practical, don't-you-dare-doubt-me sort of look. "First off, it wasn't like that at all, not for me anyway. And I didn't feel it that way from you, either. Secondly, I just KNOW that's not when it happened anyhow." She kisses me again. "Do you remember the times after that one? When it was good, and gentle, and so full of love? I know it had to have happened then. I just know it. And thirdly...it doesn't matter, to me, to this baby, to God. And it shouldn't matter to you. Just let it all go, honey...let it go and let's just concentrate on being happy. Okay?" She shifts her one hand out from under mine, then reaches for the other one, so that they're both resting against her, covering the baby, and then she covers them with hers, holding onto me, keeping the three of us connected. And then doesn't add anything more, just looks steadfastly into my eyes, until I can feel all the old doubt and regret, the all-consuming guilt and even the fear slowly begin to fade, replaced by love and peace and understanding.

And finally, finally, I feel like Liss does---that everything will truly be all right. 

After we reach that understanding, things couldn't be better. We still do a lot of talking, trying to sort out all those feelings we both felt in that turbulent time we had earlier, even talk about the miscarriage of the first child we were going to have, as painful as it is, because as Liss says, we need to get through that if we're going to give all we can to this little one. We're both really able now to let go of the past and look forward to planning a future, building our life and our family together as well.

Don't really want to take the two of them to Sydney to finish up the sessions with the band; just want to stay here and settle in and start to make things ready for the baby. Lissy, ironically, is the one who wants to go out and explore and be carefree. We've decided to keep the news of the baby a secret from the world for as long as we possibly can; just enjoy the knowledge between the two of us and have it be something personal and private we're sharing until we have to make it official and public. Only a few people know, and they'll never tell. She's going to the doctor's in Sydney for her monthly check-up; she'll be three months pregnant by then and we'll get to hear the baby's heartbeat, something we're both excitedly looking forward to. 

The night before this momentous event, she's waiting for me in our apartment when I get home and she's got this wondrous expression on her face. "You have to see something."

"You cooked supper." I tease her. She hates to cook, but my mum's been teaching her a thing or two and she's actually very good. I laugh when she makes a face. "Yes...I did...and you won't get any if you keep being THAT way about it...but I want you to see something else, silly." Barely letting me set down the package I'm holding, she leads me into the middle of the living room and lifts up the sweatshirt she's wearing. "Look. Ta da."

At first I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be seeing and then I notice that her jeans are undone, primarily because she couldn't GET them done up. Her belly's swelling, just enough to poke through the opening, just enough to keep her from doing them up properly. To anyone else it would only look like Liss has gained a little weight, but to us, it's the first real signs of our baby making itself known and it's nothing short of an absolute miracle. I put my hand there, fitting it to the slight roundness, and we both smile at one another. "It's beautiful, Liss," I tell her truthfully.

"I get to wear my maternity ones now," she says, pride and joy and awe in her tone, and I hold her to me and give her a big hug. Then her innate curiosity gets the better of her and she asks, "What did you get me?"

"Why d'ya always assume everything's for you, anyhow?" But I grin as I hand her the big bag. "I asked one of the girls to go pick this up for me." I sit down on the couch with her nestled on my lap and watch as she unpacks the books one by one: What to Expect When You're Expecting, The Complete Book of Baby and Child Care, Pregnancy and Childbirth in the Twenty-First Century, The Girlfriend's Guide to Pregnancy, Raising a Healthy Child, even Pregnancy for Dummies. This last one makes her raise an eyebrow as she holds it up. "You can't possibly think either one of us is this stupid, Russ."

"I'm not implying anything, sweetheart." I kiss the curve of her ear as she thumbs idly through it. "Just trying to get all the knowledge we can."

"You're insane." But there's a sweet smile on her face as she sets the book aside and kisses me lingeringly on the lips. "Thank you, honey." Then, "Somehow, I think we'll manage. Millions of women, all over the world, have gone through this before and they'll go after me, and I'll be all right, I can feel it."

Her quiet confidence always elevates my own. I've often wondered how she can be so wise about these things that personally fucking terrifies ME, but she is. Reckon that's why men aren't the ones who get pregnant. "I'm not concerned with millions of women all over the world. You're MY woman and you're the only one I'm concerned with."

Lissy shakes her head but I can clearly see the emotion in her eyes. "You can be such a Neanderthal caveman with your man/woman ideals, sometimes, Russell." Just as quick, she then bounces off my lap and says, "C'mon, let's eat. I'm starving. We'll look at all of these later, after supper."

With all of her hormones ping ponging all over the place I can scarcely keep up with her sometimes anymore. But you know, I love her like this and I wouldn't trade it for a damn thing in the world.

The next day we're at the doctor's, and with Liss lying there as she is, me holding her hand, at her side, it reminds both of us of that horrible time we went through the miscarriage. Neither of us speaks of it but I know for a fact that we're both thinking of it. I just rub slow circles around her bared belly as we wait for the doctor to come in and look her and the baby over.

When he turns on the little instrument he's got and we hear the swishing sound of our child's heart beating, there, inside of Lissy, her eyes close and I can see her silently shaking with relief and happiness as tears leak out and go sliding down her face. She grips my hand tightly and it's right then that I realise despite all her confidence from before, she was scared that this wasn't going to go right, either. I was, too, but the sound is reassuring, steady and strong, and I lean over to kiss her. She opens her eyes then and I just smile at her; she smiles back and fills the room with the radiance of it. 

The doctor says it but we can both feel it in our hearts before the words are spoken aloud: "Everything's all right." 

"Everything's going to be all right, Lissy." I tell her this that evening, as we're both preparing for bed. I'm already in bed, watching her undress---god, she is so beautiful, even if she's still a tiny bit self-conscious of her own pregnant body. She stops what she's doing, as she looks at me with that peaceful look she gets whenever she thinks about the coming baby. "I think it will be," is her soft answer.

"I can't believe we could hear the heartbeat, at this early...can you imagine?" I still can't believe the miracle of it all. She laughs, though, her eyes sparkling. "Yeah, I was there, remember?"

"It's what now? As big as my hand?" It's amazing to realise there's a tiny living human being growing inside of her, a person that the two of us actually made together. When our eyes meet this time, I can feel the strong emotional pull between us and I can see the knowledge of this burning within Liss, too. She has to visibly compose herself before responding, "It's...no...Only as big as one of my fingers, probably. We read that in the baby book, remember?" Last night, after supper, we sat there thumbing through all the books I brought home for a few hours, entranced by the pictures and the information that was in there. Stuff we couldn't have imagined and stuff we realise we know nothing about, but that we're gonna have to figure out before the little one gets here. Reaching for my shirt, I stop her before she can put it on, and I see she wants this every bit as much as I do now. She comes to me and we make love; it's unhurried but uninhibited, as Liss tells me she doesn't want me to hold anything back. The pregnancy has made her this wanton, sexual being that at first surprised me, but like I said earlier, I reckon all those crazy hormones are really working overtime. Love it, though.

When we're done and cuddling back under the covers, we tease and laugh and it feels wonderful to be able to do that with her again. Feels good to be able to do it at all, for so long I despaired that we'd ever be that way once more. And when I tell her I love her, her response is, "We love you, too," reminding me that there's more than just her I'm holding in my arms. Dipping my head down to talk directly to her belly, I say, "Love you, little one," to our son or daughter, placing a kiss there, and she smiles with complete contentment as I come back to her and kiss her, too, as we fall asleep.

As we head back to the farm, we finally have to break the news to the world, announce the coming baby, because there've been rumours and fuzzy photos all over the place. And though I hate the fucking press meddling in our private life, I hate all the falsehoods and the ignorant speculation even worse, so it seemed the only thing to do. Can't keep it to ourselves much longer anyhow. Liss is finally truly beginning to show; and at home, they'll be safe. I know she indulges my fierce need to protect her as much as she can, even as I try not to stifle her. Don't have anything planned career-wise anyway, as once she suffered the miscarriage I cleared my schedule indefinitely; and now with this baby coming all I really want to do is be a supportive husband to Lissy and prepare to be the best dad I can be to our kid.

Tomorrow, we're going to the doctor's to find out the sex of the baby. I'm more of a traditionalist; kinda wanted to be surprised when it was born, but she wanted to find out so she could start getting ready for one or the other. Now that this is what we've decided, I'm eager; we can start choosing names, picking out all sorts of stuff, that kind of thing. Hopefully, soon, we'll be able to feel it moving within her; Liss has told me that she's felt it like butterflies in her stomach, but nothing definite and nothing that I can share with her yet, though this baby's very real to me still. She laughs because I'm always talking to it; she claims I give it more attention than I do her. I want this baby to know me before it arrives, though; want it to know the sound of my voice, even my touch, although I'm only touching it from the outside, over Lissy. I don't want to miss a thing. Not one. And above all, my number one priority is still my wife; I have to take care of her before anything else. Liss would tell you that's my 'Neanderthal caveman' instincts coming out all over again, but I don't give a damn, that's how I am, take it or leave it.

Now that Lissy really has a belly, she's taken a feminine sort of pride at her shape. She still seems so small to me; it's just a little round tummy she's got, the rest of her is the same, although she always says she feels huge and clumsy. But she's gorgeous, this pregnancy enhancing her curves and giving her a sexy, yet sweet ripeness about her that I find fascinating. She's gone missing on me tonight, so I go in search of her and find her in the bath. Of course I end up in the tub with her, and then, as is inevitably the case nowadays, we end up back in bed making love after all's said and done. Pretty soon, that won't be possible as she gets more advanced into this; and even now, it calls for a bit of inventiveness on both our parts, but it's as wonderful and intimately special as it's always been. Her being pregnant doesn't turn me off at all; in fact, it only serves to make the emotion between us even more intense and more meaningful knowing that the baby's there in between us.

In the aftermath we discuss the ultrasound that's coming up tomorrow and she asks if I want a boy or a girl. We've talked about this before, a little; neither of us committing to one or the other; and this time, I tell her honestly, "I'm happy with either, love, as long as everything turns out okay and the baby's healthy. What about you?"

"I feel the same." She teases me that if we have a boy, I'll get to see what my own parents had to deal with; don't think they haven't already brought this up, 'cause they have, all amused. If we have a girl, it'll be a different set of problems; if she's anything like Liss I'll have to beat the blokes off with a stick when she gets grown. But we both laugh; and then I admit, "I imagine I probably deserve it."

Lissy, looking into my eyes, tells me, "You deserve to be happy, Russell. That's all. To be happy and be loved." She kisses me and adds, "And we'll take care of that for you."

Somehow I don't doubt this for one second. And tomorrow will be the day we find out what the newest member of our small family will be. And welcome him or her officially into our lives.

Next day, we both wait for the doctor, back as we were before, she lying there, her shirt up and her belly exposed; me in my usual position sitting next to her, one of my hands wrapped snugly round hers and the other one stroking slow circles over our baby. Earlier I kept pacing about while we waited out front there; wasn't aware I was doing this until Lissy in one of her rare moments of pique suggested I either calm down and just stay there beside her or else go outside and do that where she couldn't see. I reckon I was passing on my own anxiety to her. We had these tests done earlier as there's still a bunch of risk involved, though she's been absolutely fine---the first miscarriage we had, the fact that Liss is in her mid thirties and this is the first pregnancy she's had that's gotten this far, etc.---but really, I feel that things are gonna be okay. So does she. It's more anticipation than anything at this point. But we'll find out for certain in just a few moments and then we can truly start to plan and prepare for this little one to make his or her appearance.

Finally her doctor comes in and immediately assures, "The test results came back; everything looks to be going well." I squeeze her hand and she looks at me, the relief clearly showing in her eyes. I know I can feel it too; until he said it I didn't even realise I was practically holding my breath. He starts preparing her for the ultrasound and I can't help but ask, "The tests show what it is, right?"

"I take it you both want to know?" When we agree, he smiles and adds, "Yes. We know what you're having...let's have a look here first and then I'll tell you." This time it's Lissy's turn to squeeze my hand. Well, it's either one or the other. Still don't have a preference, either way. Just want it to be happy and healthy; God knows Liss and I already love it no matter what anyhow.

There's this image on the screen all of a sudden, and it's incredible to realize that these are photos from inside my wife's body. And it's amazing how much detail you can see. Can make out the shadow of features beginning to develop on the small face, can see the delicate bone structure beneath the surface of its tiny body. Fucking awesome. "Look..." Liss whispers, pointing with a trembling finger. "There's the heart beating." And sure enough, you can see the movement inside of it, rhythmic and sure.

The doctor begins speaking, pointing out things we should look for but right soon the two of us have taken over, 'cause you can really see everything pretty clearly. Everything except the sex of it. Try as I might I can't make it out to be anything either way. The poor bloke has nothing to do anymore but stand there and watch us showing each other with a look of amusement on his face.

"Got all five fingers on its one hand, there, Lissy, that's a good thing." 

"I can't believe..." her voice is still so hushed, her dark eyes wide with awe, "...I can't believe you can actually count them all." I reach over and trace the outline of it, there on the glass, and she turns to look at me, kiss me briefly, before turning back to the image of our child once again. "There's where the eyes are, and the nose and mouth...it's beautiful."

"There's the other hand...got all five fingers, too." I love seeing the joy on her face; it's the same feeling I have in my heart. 

"Would you like to know what it is you're having?" We'd both forgotten the doctor was even still in the room with us. 

"Yes." Lissy says it so softly, turning to look at me as before. Her free hand, the one that's not still in mine, reaches for me, and she strokes my face. The fact that she's not looking at the baby anymore, that neither of us are, but are just watching each other, emphasizes how close we are emotionally, how much in tune we've managed to be with one another. Like I said before, Liss gives me confidence. She makes me a stronger, better person, and I love that so much about her. This is one of those rare, perfect moments that I know I won't ever forget.

"Congratulations. It's a girl." 

I feel the elation rush through me, my heart swelling so damn much that I about feel it's gonna burst within me. Unashamedly feel tears start, too, as I see the same emotions across Lissy's beautiful face. She's crying openly, with utter happiness, with utter love, and I silently tell our daughter how lucky she is to have her for a mum. Cause I already know how lucky I am to have Liss, too.

We kiss and then we both look back at her there on the screen. Now we know. And we both couldn't be happier. 

"Hi there, baby girl," I tell the little one, my hand covering her, over the glass, over her small beating heart, just as Lissy takes the other one that's still clutching hers and we both rest them, palms down, against the side of her belly. And I feel the most incredible connection between the three of us again. We're a family.

After that, we can't resist going to one of the baby shops to simply look at things for our daughter. At least, this is what we tell ourselves. But anything that catches our eye, soon, we're setting it aside to buy. Liss is still not used to the fact that pretty much we can get anything we want. That we're financially secure and I can, and want to, provide both her and the baby with anything they need. Not that the two of us live extravagantly; when we're here like this, we both love the quiet, simple, easy life we've managed to make for ourselves. But you know, sometimes...well, sometimes, it's okay to splurge, just a little. This is one of those times. Damn, we're having a girl! How exciting is that?

There are bunches of stuff I don't even know what it's used for, and Liss patiently explains everything to me. Guess it's a womanly thing, or an instinctual Mum thing, that they seem to automatically know what's right. Some stuff she says can wait another month or two; but we do have fun choosing pretty clothes and shoes, anything a little girl would love. I look at these things we pick out for the baby and I can't imagine anyone being that tiny. But I look forward to her arrival; want to get to know her and be her dad.

Lissy truly IS glowing; there's such an exuberant delight in her expression that it makes my heart ache with pride just to watch her. She already loves this child, so much. As do I. And now it seems more real; she has an identity now; instead of an 'it' she's a 'she', a 'her'. We can start to talk about names and we can start to truly make things ready. For a little girl! Sorry, but I can't contain myself over this one.

When we get home, we're laden with packages; all the stuff we couldn't leave behind and we just HAD to have for the baby. The two of us unpack it all, scattered about our bedroom, and then we collapse onto our bed, with Lissy leaning back against me as we like to do. Often times we'll sit like that at night before going to sleep, with my arms wrapped around her from behind, my hands and hers resting on her stomach, and just talk about everything, life, love, our dreams for this little one. It's peaceful and relaxing. Today's no exception, we're both only now starting to come down from the natural adrenaline high we've been on since finding out we're expecting a daughter.

"How's Baby Girl Crowe?" I ask her, since she's absently rubbing her belly. That's what we've been calling her ever since we left the doctor's. Lissy laughs and shakes her head.

"We've got to come up with something else, Russ. That's such a mouthful to say." But as I place my hands on her, she covers them with her small ones and smiles. "She's fine." Looking around us at all the pink, lavender, yellow, lace, ribbons and ruffles, she sighs. "I can't believe all this stuff we bought. Why didn't you stop me?"

"Too busy finding stuff for her myself." I kiss the curve of her ear and she lays her head back against my shoulder. "We're having a girl!" I can't help but exclaim, quite unnecessarily. My excitement's too much to contain, though.

Lissy laughs even more, her eyes sparkling. "I know, I was there too, remember?" she teases, even as she turns her head to kiss me. Then she settles back against me and sighs with a kind of lazy joyful contentedness.

I pick up one of the small dresses we bought today, trying to picture a miniature version of Liss in it, lay it over her belly and whisper, "I'm glad everything's all right."

"Me, too." 

"Did I ever tell you how very much I love both of you, Lissy?" 

"At least a million times per day," she responds, and there's probably more truth to that than not, "but we don't get tired of hearing it." She sets the dress aside and then we both press our hands to her womb, covering the baby where she lies. I'm not sure what my wife's thinking but I'm trying to visualize this small person within her, wonder if she can hear us and what she must be thinking as well. You can't tell me that, even as tiny as our daughter is, she doesn't understand us and what's going on out here as we wait for her to be born.

As if in response to my thoughts, that's when we unmistakably feel it for the first time. Under my hand, there's a rippling feeling, soft tossing and turning about that sure as hell isn't coming from Lissy. Well, it is; but not because of anything she's doing. This time, I know without a doubt it's the baby. So does Liss; she stills in my arms, both of us not daring to move at all for fear it'll startle the baby into stopping what it's doing.

"Oh, my god," I say, so softly into her ear. For brief moments, there's nothing, until we're wondering if perhaps we didn't imagine it after all, and then it happens again. "Did you feel...?" My voice trails off because that's a ridiculous thing to ask her; of course she felt it from deep within herself.

"She..." Lissy's not sure what to say right now, either.

"Shh..." As if our talking/not talking will influence the movements of the baby. I stroke my hand very slowly and lightly over the mound of Liss' stomach, marvelling at the way the child seems to follow the movements of me over her, from one side to the other. Then, she seems to tire of this and settles once more until we can't feel her anymore, I reckon because she's resting or fallen asleep or whatever they do in there. I lay my head against Lissy's shoulder and I can't stop the tears that come from me now. She's crying too, as we hold on to each other, our arms wrapped around her middle.

It's a miracle, that's what it is. A gift; and I can't tell you how blessed I feel right here, at this moment, that I've got the two of them and they're safe and sound with me.

Soon thereafter, we begin to plan a trip to the States, to spend some time with Lissy's family and friends before she can't travel any longer and we need to settle in and prepare for the baby's birth. I've told her I want to work on the nursery for the baby when we get there; we have a home there, as well as in Sydney and here at the farm. Liss thinks I'm silly, I can tell, but with a lot of affection and so she humours me and lets me start to plan things out. The two of us spend time looking at catalogues and books and then I begin to arrange to have things shipped to the different locations to be set up for our daughter. Actually, although Lissy rolls her eyes at my excitement, I can see how it matches her own enthusiasm and you've never seen two people more delighted to have a child in your entire life, I'm sure.

We've talked in depth about names, come up with a pretty good sized list; but we've decided to wait until the little miss gets here to determine what she'll fit into. Till then we've started to call her our Angel Baby; or simply, Angel. I know everyone thinks we're mental, but we enjoy having something to call her for now; as Liss said, 'Baby Girl Crowe' doesn't exactly roll right off the tongue, now, does it.

We haven't been back here in some time, not since we reconciled after separating and I came over here to fetch her, but I enjoy it. Still have to kind of be careful when we go out, but when we're with friends and family, everything's so normal. Her family's great; they've always accepted me for who I am to her and not what I am to the entire rest of the world. I love watching her with other people's children; especially her young niece and nephew whom she's especially close to; because now that our own child is soon to be a reality, I can see what a terrific mummy she's gonna make. We settle in fine over here; it's as if we've always been here and have never left.

One night the two of us are lying in bed; I'm rubbing cocoa butter on her belly, to help with stretch marks. Liss isn't vain by any means; actually, it's something I read about, and she accepts my notions and lets me take care of her. I try not to coddle her, I really do, but seeing her like this brings out all my protective instincts within me.

"Someone's awake," she comments softly, just an instant before I feel it, Angel's tiny foot or hand butting against me. I give the mound of Lissy's belly a gentle pat and then a light, teasing poke; the baby bumps again, beneath my fingers, and we both smile. So I softly poke her again, there, and then over there on the other side; each time the little one responds with an answering kick of her own.  Lissy's laughing at this and I fall in love with her all over again, seeing that sweet delight in her face. "She's playing with you, Russ," she tells me, as we feel her tossing and turning and I picture Angel as a little mermaid swimming about inside her mum there. "You're playing with Daddy, aren't you, sweetie?" she speaks directly to her stomach, and there's another solid thump beneath my hand. Then, to me once more, "She loves you so much already. I can feel it."

I've learned to never doubt anything Liss feels or senses, especially since she became pregnant, it's like she's attuned to some higher spiritual level. "I love her, too," I reply, as the ripples of movement settle down to calmness finally. "I love you."

"I love you, too." 

"What's it feel like to you, Liss?" To me, it's still the most amazing thing, every time I think about the miracle of it all. All I did was help with the creation of this small being; but Lissy's the one to nurture her, to shelter her within her own body, and, ultimately, bring her into this world and give her true life. I can't imagine what that must be like for her. She laces her fingers together beneath the curve of her belly, turns, a bit awkwardly, on her side so she's facing me. "The same as you feel, I suppose, only it's sort of strange because it's coming from inside of me. It's kind of hard to describe."

"Well, she's quite the feisty little one." I grin, feeling this elation that indeed, Angel seemed to know my touch, knew I was there and wanted to let me know this as well. "She'll be a famous high-kicking dancer for sure. Or else, the most world-renown female footy player ever."

"She," Lissy says determinedly, smoothing her fingers over her tummy, "will be absolutely anything that she wants to be." 

If this child has half her Mummy's spirit, I'm sure this will hold true. 

One thing I can tell you I'm grateful for being here in the States is the fact that there's a McDonald's on nearly every street corner in America. Don't have a handy one close by on the farm; and even in Sydney we'd have to go a bit away; and I'd have to send someone at that to avoid a media frenzy: What's Russell Crowe eat for brekkie? 'Cause if they saw what Lissy wants, every single damn morning it seems, they'd have a field day, thinking it was all for me. Granted, she's got the baby to think of, but I've never seen a woman pack it away like she does. Of course I mean that with a lotta love. But other than the roundness of her belly, if you weren't looking at her from anywhere but the side you probably wouldn't even tell she was really all that pregnant; she still doesn't seem all that huge to me.

It's gotten so every morning her mum or brother or sister, a friend, someone, will stop and pick it up for her and bring it by: one of those...I suppose this is what you call 'em over here...breakfast biscuit sandwich things?... with sausage and egg, only Liss wants extra cheese added to hers; two of those potato cake things, orange juice, and then, an English muffin on the side, with butter and jam. She can't have the egg and stuff ON the muffin, that has to be a separate thing, but the muffin has to be there too or else you'll hear about it. Not a second biscuit, either: a MUFFIN. This is the only particular craving she's had thus far, though, so we all indulge her, and then she can go on about the rest of the day and everything's fine. I'm hoping this will end before we head back home otherwise I'll have to invest in stock in the damn company.

We're sitting there one morning, she busily tucking into all that food, and me just basically sitting back and watching her, when she says, "Things are going to be so different when Angel gets here."

I snitch a bit off of her potato and wryly add, "Yeah, you'll probably not be able to stand the sight of a McDonald's ever again then, right, love?" 

She makes one of her sassy faces at me, takes a relishing bite of muffin, licking strawberry jam off her lip, and says, "No...Everything's going to be different. For the rest of our lives, we're going to be someone's mom and dad."

"You WERE someone's mum once before, Liss," I remind her gently of the other baby. It doesn't hurt as painfully bad anymore but neither of us will ever forget it.

She nods, looking just a bit regretful, just a bit sad. Then she says, "But we'll never be the just the two of us, anymore. There'll be a part of us going on, in her. Doesn't that blow your mind, to think about that?"

It does. I can't make fun of her because really, it's almost too profound to think about. 

"Even when she's grown," Liss adds, "grown and moved out, we'll still have changed from the way we are now. She'll always be our child. And we'll always be her parents."

Like I told you, being pregnant has somehow seemed to bring out this spiritual side, this philosophical side of her. Not that I mind. Lissy's a wonder to me, and I'm always finding out all these different facets about her. We simply gaze at one another, and then I lean across and kiss her very slowly and tenderly. She tastes all buttery and sweet, and it makes me smile.

"But," she adds, very practically, "I think for now we had better worry about just getting her here, right?"

She also keeps me a bit off-balance. But that's my girl---my two girls, I think to myself---and I love her exactly like this. Once more I wonder to myself if the small one she's got within her now is going to be just like her. I look forward to that. It'll definitely keep me on my toes.