Lissy

I never thought I was capable of feeling such deep love until, first, I met my wonderful husband, and then, we had our two beautiful children. And, after our daughter Lily was born, I didn't think there was any more room in my heart...until just now, when I gave birth to our son Tyler.

Even though he's not even yet an hour old, he's already found his place there. Actually, right now, his physical place is in his big sister's arms...Lily just met him for the first time and now is sitting on the bed beside me holding him and she won't give him up. She's only not quite two and a half, so he's an armful for her; I've got my arm around her to help her keep his head up, and Russ is sitting on the edge of the bed keeping a close eye on the both of them too. When he reaches out to slightly adjust the baby in her lap, she notices his hospital bracelet. Uh, oh. "What's that, Daddy?"

He doesn't understand the implications of this when he tells her, "That's my special thing that says Tyler's mine." Then he makes an even bigger mistake by pointing out, "Mum's got one, too."

She looks and then says, "I want one." 

Of course she does. Because, of course, Tyler is hers too, after all, and she belongs to me as well. She looks at the one on my hand. "What's it say, Mommy?"

"It's got my name on it. Because I'm the patient, Lil." 

"Yours got your name, Daddy?"

"No..." he shows her. "Mine's got Mummy's name on it, too. To show that I belong to her." He still hasn't fully gotten the can of worms we've opened, not getting Lily a bracelet, as he says, "Tyler's has Mum's name to show he belongs to her too." Then our eyes meet and he realizes what he's saying. "I'll go get you one, princess. You need one too, don't you?" Fortunately for us, a nurse comes in right then to check on us and he speaks quietly to her. In a few moments, she comes back and clasps a plastic bracelet around Lily's tiny wrist as well. She shows it off proudly. "Look, I gots one."

"Very nice, Lil." Crisis averted. 

"Cause," she says, "I belong to you, and Tyler, and Daddy. We all belong to you, Mommy!" 

You know, I really like that idea. A whole lot. 

Russell

I've never been more amazed by Liss than I've been the times I've watched her give birth to our children. The very fact that a woman can do such a thing, that's just fucking incredible. The whole process, from beginning to end, is the most fascinating thing you could ever witness.

This time out, things got a little rough and I could tell she was struggling. Those are the times I wish it were me going through it rather than her, or at least be able to take some of it for her. You know, feeling guilty that I'm the one putting her through pain, whether it be emotional or physical, is almost more than I can stand. God knows, I've done more than my share of that to her. That time we were splitting up nearly fucking killed me. And the worst of it is, I knew what it was doing to her. And that I was the cause. But you know, I think we came out of it stronger and more in love than ever before. We got two beautiful babies out of the renewal of that love; who could ask for anything greater than that? But still, watching her in labour, I couldn't help but feel totally responsible for all of that pain. And helpless to do much for it, that's the worst.

Lissy isn't very big at all---without her shoes on, she barely clears my shoulder and weighs next to nothing; I doubt she gained too much with this baby, even---and he was a pretty big one when he finally decided he was going to come on out. Larger than Lily, anyway. Liss said he wasn't that much more than her, but he seemed that way to me; could be just 'cause he's a boy and you tend to look at them a bit differently than girls.

Not that I love Tyler any more or any less than Lily. That little girl, she's been one of the greatest things to ever happen to me. Besides her mum, and now, her brother. Honest, I'd have been happy no matter what we were having, but first off, to have one of each, that's real special. And I'm glad to have a son, carry on the family name and all of that.

Now I look at them, Lil asleep in the chair over by the window---best be getting my Mum and Dad to take her home with them---and Lissy, who is so beautiful and content lying there breastfeeding the baby. She looks perfect like this, as if she was meant to be a mum; and I reckon she was, because she's got such incredible strength and skill at it.

"Ironic, isn't it?" I tell her, as I watch her cradling my son. Love seeing that in her, the love and pride she has over getting through all of this and having another child. "First he wanted to make an appearance before his time and then we couldn't get him to come out when he should."

She smiles as she strokes Tyler's hair and the curve of his cheek as he suckles at her nipple---god, I've never felt more jealous of my son as I do now, ha ha---and then turns the full light of that smile onto me. "That's why I think he's gonna be just like you." She seems amused by this more than I can tell ya. Don't know what'll be worse in the coming years; trying to protect my daughter who's bound to be a beaut of a heartbreaker, or trying to put up with a son who's exactly like me. But, I look forward to every single damn minute of it all.

Looking down at the baby once more, Liss adds, "I can tell. The way he came out and wouldn't stop fussing, wouldn't be still...that's so you. And he's the very image of you, too." Poor kid. But her eyes are sparkling and she's pleased about this, from the looks of her. She's tired, though---we've both been up since the middle of the night, when her pains began, and I'm not the one who gave birth, anyhow---so as he finishes feeding, I say, "Here, let me take him," and lift him from her as she gets settled. "Why don't you get some rest, love?"

Lissy just leans back, her hands clasped over the mound of her belly...much less now that he's out of her; towards the end there, she was all baby and I felt so bad for her discomfort...and says softly, "I just enjoy seeing you with our children."

She's given me such a great gift in life. I'm not just talking Lily and Tyler, although I certainly mean them, too. But mostly, the gift of her unconditional love.

Lissy

I meant it when I told Russell that Tyler is going to take after him. Already, he's just a few short hours old and I can see so much of Russ in him---the avid determination and, yes, the restlessness when he finally got here. This child won't be still. When Lily was born, she was very much like she still is today: very mellow, easily adaptable, calm. Tyler, on the other hand, even though now he's tired out and resting easily in his dad's arms, seems to be the opposite. Even within my womb, I could tell there was a difference. That's probably why I went into preterm labor a couple of months ago; he probably didn't want to be patient and wait to be full term before coming out into the world. And then when I DID want him out, how I had to struggle a bit to have him...the stubbornness that I so recognize as Russ, all the way.

That's not to say that Russell hasn't changed some from when I first met him. I think the problems we had early on, and then fatherhood for him, have something to do with that. He's more reflective, more mellow himself. But there is the public Russell that everyone thinks they know, and then there is the very real, very private, personal Russ that's my husband, the father of my children, and the man that I love so much. He's a patient, loving, devoted dad to Lily, and I have no doubts he'll be that way with Tyler, too. He's generous, caring, with a bottomless heart and a spirit to match. He's complex and I will never figure him out completely; yet at the same time, I would never want to.

So if our son turns out that same way, that wouldn't be a bad thing. But I can tell, Tyler is going to be an interesting child to watch grow up. Just because he's so different than his sister and way too much like his dad.

Russell

When I get all of them home, it's like it was just meant to be, you know? As if our whole adult lives, Liss and I had been moving towards this destiny of finding each other and then having these two kids. 'Cause there's no doubt that both Lily and Tyler were meant to be ours.

Sometimes I look at them and can't believe that they're MY kids, that Lissy and I came together and made the two of 'em and now they're tiny little people that we're raising to set loose in the world.

I look at Lissy every day and thank the fate that brought her into my life. She was different than any other woman I'd ever known; if you'd have told me right from the start where we'd go in our life together, I'd never have believed you. Seemingly not my type at all...very quiet, almost shy. And she fought against loving me. I could tell, early on, that despite her feelings, loving me scared the hell out of her. Loving her fucking scared the hell out of me, too. Because I knew, almost from the start, that it was real and right and meant to be.

Would have never thought that within her lies more strength and determination than I would ever know. Time and again there's been...well, complications in our life that made me wonder if this was it. If truly, I'd fucked this up royal and she'd give up and go away. But she's fought TO love me as much as she fought against it from the beginning. When I was turning away from her, hoping to protect her from the darkness that I felt, she was embracing it as a part of me, trying to bring me back from it. And I couldn't have come back without the love that she's given me.

Lissy's never once cared about things like image or celebrity, that's not who she is. And she's told me over and over, that's not what she cares about in me, either. We're trying to keep our kids normal, while staying normal ourselves. I'm glad we even got to the point where we were able to bring children into our lives, because that time, right before we had Lil, where we were as down low as we could possibly go, there was no fucking way I was ever going to bring an innocent child into what we were experiencing. It was bad enough watching what it was doing to Liss without adding another poor soul into it.

So I notice the change in Lissy almost as soon as I bring her and Tyler home. Somehow something's wrong. She goes through the motions of being a mum, trying to care for Lily and still be attentive to the new baby's needs, but her heart doesn't seem to be in it and there's none of the joy she had after Lily was born, where everything about her seemed to make her happy. It's not that I sense she doesn't love Tyler, but she's so much more quiet than I've seen her in a long time. She just seems to be running automated, where she simply just does what has to be done. She confessed soon after we got back that she was fearful of not being able to properly care for two kids at once, something that should have set off warning bells in my head, 'cause throughout the entire pregnancy she was excited and looking forward to having two little ones to love.

Even Lily asks her Mummy what's wrong; and that's when Liss always smiles and assures her she's fine; but I know her too damn well to not see the sadness behind that smile. But she doesn't share what's eating at her; I get the same reaction when I ask the same thing. Try not to push; hoping it'll all pass. Her family had to go back to the States soon after Tyler's birth and I wonder if she's not a bit homesick, even after all this time here with me.

Finally, after nearly a month of it, I have to ask my own mum. Maybe there's something I'm missing, something I should be doing for her. I try, much as I can, to help out with both kids but somehow I sense it's not enough.

Mum says it sounds like she's got what she calls 'the baby blues'. It's gotta be more than that; I recognize the warning signs of depression. God only knows that after all I went through myself; I'd recognize it straight off in Lissy. Read about that in one of her pregnancy and childcare books; postpartum depression. Mum says that she's also noticed the change in Liss and perhaps I should talk to her about it.

I don't get the chance to bring it up first because just then Lily comes barrelling into the room. She's got tears in her eyes and runs straight into my arms. "Mommy got mad at me," she tells me. "She yelled at me."

Now, Liss has never yelled at Lily. It's not that Lil is a perfect kid, by any means, but the two of us have always talked rationally to her and explained everything to her. I pick up my daughter and reassure her that everything's going to be fine; but Lily's next words scare the hell out of me.

"Tyler's crying and Mama won't get him. She's sick. She went and cried too and she's just laying there, Daddy." 

Setting her down, I tell her to stay with my mum; but of course she doesn't want to and follows me up the stairs. 

First I look after the baby; he's safe in his crib, but crying. I pick him up, change him, and after rocking him a bit, he finally settles enough that I can put him back and he'll fall asleep. Lily's nowhere to be found and I go in search of her and Lissy.

Liss is huddled on our bed and Lily is sitting cross-legged in the bedroom doorway, looking forlorn and lost herself. Just rocking back and forth, clutching her ever faithful teddy and staring at her mum. I feel icy dread settle within me but know I have to be strong for my wife and my daughter.

Lissy

I don't know why all of this happened. I was so jubilant over Tyler's birth. As we got home, and I began taking care of an infant all over again, plus looking after Lily and trying to be with Russ, so many doubts began creeping in. Like could I do this, how could I manage? I began to wonder if I was able to be a good mother to our children.

I don't feel any of the same wonderful joy that I had after Lily was born. It's not that I resent Tyler or wish I'd never had him. I look at him and love him so much, cherish him as I do Lil. But somehow, I just feel so inadequate, so sad and alone. I can't talk to Russ about it because even I don't know why I feel this way. Of course, I dimly realize, not talking to him increases the feelings of isolation, but I'm just closed in upon myself and I don't know where to turn.

Today, when the baby begins crying, something inside of me snaps. I can't bear to deal with him right then, knowing that if I tried, I would fail. I would never hurt either of our children, but the responsibility of being their mother suddenly seems like too great of a burden to bear.

And then Lily tells me that the baby is crying and I do something I never do. I yell at her, tell her to go play and leave me alone. When those words, said in such an angry, hurtful tone, come out, I know immediately that was so, so wrong, but I'm powerless to console her as I watch her small face crumple and then she bursts into tears and runs out of the room. I've never, ever yelled at Lily before and I so regret having done so now. I can't even look at Tyler lying there crying and I don't dare even touch him or pick him up; I just run out of the room myself and go to curl up on our bed and try to shut the noise out. Try to shut it all out. Make it all go away.

I know that 1. Russell has seen to Tyler, because I finally hear his crying slow and then stop and that 2. Lily is back because as I lay there curled in a ball, I can see in my peripheral vision her sitting on the floor just in the doorway. She tries to talk to me; I hear her small scared voice ask "Mommy, are you okay?" but can't find the strength to answer her. And I'm so ashamed I had hurt her feelings and I'm afraid she can't love me anymore. She just sits there watching me and then I see Russell there too, discovering both of us in our sorry state and that's when I close my eyes, still crying myself. I can hear Lily's sweet but oh so frightened voice as she tells her dad, "Mommy's sick, Daddy," and that makes me cry all the more.

I can hear him reassure her that he's going to take care of me...somehow, even though he's comforting our child, hearing him say that gives me hope that maybe I can come out of this depression I'm so stuck in; then he moves her out into the hall, shutting the door behind him, to further talk to her. I know because I can still hear his deep tones as he speaks to her. Then the door opens again and I squeeze my eyes shut, not wanting to face him...not wanting to have to try to explain to him my sadness and my loneliness, when they're all here around me, surrounding me with love, and I shouldn't feel that way.

He lies down beside me and then I feel the gentle touch of his hand, stroking my hair back and ever so tenderly touching my face. All he says, so simply, is, "I love you." And the tears come even harder than before.

Russell

I can't be sure if Lil's watching over her Mummy or petrified with horror. Probably a bit of both. When she looks up at me and says, "Mommy's sick, Daddy," it's as if she's hoping I'll somehow magically make her right again. Don't know that it'll be as easy as all that but Lily's trusting child's faith in me humbles me.

I kneel before her and look into her eyes. God, this little one looks so much like Lissy that it takes my breath away. "Lily...Dad's gonna take care of Mummy, I promise. I'm gonna find out what's wrong and then I'm gonna help her. Everything will be all right."

She's still crying just a little as she says, "Mama's mad at me."

Glancing at Lissy's still form---she hasn't moved since I got here---I get to my feet, get Lily up, take her hand in mine and lead her into the hall, shutting the door behind us. I get the feeling seeing Liss so unresponsive is also scaring the hell out of her, besides the same fear of the unknown that's gripping me. Then I kneel down so as to be on her level once more and tell her, "She's not mad at you, Lil."

"But she yelled..."

My mum's now standing there waiting to see what's going on. I hold up a hand silently asking her to wait while I talk to my daughter. 

"She didn't mean to, sweetheart. She's sick and she's sad and hurt and I'm going to find out why. Then we'll make her all better and she'll be good as new, right?"

"Why's she sick?" Lily always asks questions I find it hard to answer simply. And she's only going on two and a half. "Did Tyler make her sick?"

I don't really know just how to explain any of it to her so I tell her, "Mummy loves the two of you, so much. But I think she's just scared that now there's the both of you she won't be a good Mum to you."

"She's a good mum!" Lil sounds like a little Aussie now, using my term instead of the American one for her mother. So much a part of me, and a part of Lissy...I just hold my small girl to me and give her a kiss.

"Yeah, of course she's a good mum. And she's so good at taking care of me, too...we've just got to show her what a great person Mummy is and make her feel better. But right now, Lil...you've got to play all quiet and go with Nana now. While I talk to your mother and start to get her all fixed up. Can you do that?"

She finally sees her grandmother standing there and nods. I reassure once more, "Nana will take care of you...and then I'll come and fetch you and maybe then you can talk to your Mum and tell her what a wonderful person she is to all of us. Okay?"

"Okay, Daddy." Then a small frown of concern comes over her face as she asks, "Tyler okay, too?" She sighs. "He cried...I couldn't pick him up."

"Yeah...he's sleeping right now. If he wakes up, Nana will take care of him, too, until I finish talking to Mummy and then we'll take care of things. I need you to help her until I get back. Please, Lily. All right?"

"Yes..." Without any more questions she goes to my mum and they go off together. 

I go back into our bedroom and it breaks my heart to see Lissy like this. The last time I had seen her in such despair, we'd miscarried our first baby, before Lily. I didn't know how to help her then, and I'm not sure I can bring her back now, but I have to try. You know, it's as I said, she's such a strong, brave person, but sometimes, you just can't be strong and brave anymore. And I have to let her know that that's all right too. That now, she needs to, and can, lean on me for support and I'll help bring her through this.

So I lie beside her and she won't open her eyes, although I know that she knows I'm there. I just touch her...the emotions all rising so much it hurts me as much as her, even though I can't begin to comprehend exactly what she's feeling right now...and I tell her the only thing I can. "I love you."

She cries harder and I feel a pain pierce my heart. 

Lissy

Russell, when he just makes that declaration of love, opens up all the floodgates that I've kept closed from him for the last few weeks, since I began to feel this way. He then takes me in his arms, holding me against him, and he lets me go while I cry and cry, clinging to him as my only lifeline in this storm that's suddenly become my life. Finally, after what seems like hours but has only been a few minutes, he pulls back enough so that he can look into my eyes.

"We'll work through this, Liss," he assures me. 

I simply look at him. "I don't...don't know..." I begin.

"Sweetheart..." he's still touching me, always touching me, so kind and so soothing. "You helped me when I needed it...now let me help you."

"I...I don't know what's wrong with me..."

"You're depressed, love." For someone who for so long tried to deny that in himself to say it to me now is a big step for him. But I realize we have to confront this, to face it head on and deal with it before it causes any more hurt to our small family. "I read about this in one of your books...having Tyler took a lot out of you and you're finding it hard to cope, aren't you?"

"I wasn't like this with Lily..." I've never been like this at all before, actually. Why, why now, when everything's been going so well and we've managed to come through all the other storms and build a life together?

"Liss..." When I would look away, Russ gently touches my cheek and keeps my gaze with his. "You could have had five or ten kids and not shown this until the last...you could have just as easily been this way with her, you know. But we're both older, and our lives are different now...we're not the same as we were when we had Lily. Got a lot more to handle and a lot more responsibility...things have changed. We've changed. There's no way you could have known this was coming."

I just continue to cry softly as I lie there in his arms. Finally I manage to choke out, "Look at what I've done to our kids." 

Russell

When Lissy worries about the kids, that's the protective mum in her coming out, even through all of this. I meant what I said when I told her things are different for the both of us. We went from being a couple to being parents all of a sudden...having a second still doesn't mean it's anything like the first. You'd think we'd both be fucking experts at parenting, but I know both of them teach us something new every single day. Now she's worried she's completely messed them up for good.

"Baby...Tyler's barely a month old. You've taken good care of him...I know you love him...he's not gonna end up in therapy years from now over this. And Lil...let me tell ya something about her, Liss. She's a resilient kid and probably the most loving little girl I know. Right now I'm sure she's more worried about you than ever resenting your yelling at her. She loves you so much. We all do." I smile and ask, "You couldn't talk to me about it? After all I put you through before?"

She closes her eyes and I know she feels guilty about this. I kiss her and make her look at me once more. Don't want to lose her...want her to know we're in this together, whatever it takes. "I...I didn't know how..."

"Liss...tomorrow, we'll see the doctor. Maybe even go to counselling again. He can get you on some meds, maybe that'll help..."

Sniffling, she says adamantly, "I can't. I'm breastfeeding Tyler." Still hanging on, still trying to be there for the kids as much as she's able. 

"They might have something you can take and still do that...Sweetheart, my main concern's getting you better. If it comes down to it, I'll feed him myself from a bottle, if it means you'll be well again. Whatever we need to do. If we have to, I'll take you to Sydney, even take you to the States if it means you can get through this quicker." She still doesn't look convinced so I tell her vehemently, "I love you. I told you, we'll work through this. You're not going to be alone." I'm trying so hard to get her to feel better that I add, "Wasn't that what you told me before?"

She nods. I can sense her calming a bit. Like I said, Lissy is one of the strongest, most determined women I've ever met and I know we'll make it through this. Finally she says, so softly, "I love you." Then, "I'm sorry, Russ."

"For what? There's nothing you should be sorry about, Liss. You need help and I'm gonna give it to you. As simple as that." Kissing her again, I ask, "Do you maybe want to rest some now?"

"No...I need to see the kids. I want to see the kids."

"Sure?" I don't want her to be overwhelmed with more than she can handle.

"Yeah." So I take her hand in mine and help her off the bed and we go off in search of them. She really needs them right now, at least as much as they need her.

Lissy

I don't know what I was afraid of when I didn't go to Russ in the first place. He, of all people, would never judge me, never berate me for neglecting the children---because even though he reassures I haven't, I still feel like I've not given them all the best I have within me to give them, as I should. After all we went through before, after all the darkness we both endured to find the truth; I should have known that he would have understood.

I think back to when I was having Tyler and didn't feel I could go on with the labor anymore; and the love and support he showed me. I think about the empty space that he said I filled for him; and my own empty space that became full with him and Lil and the new baby. I think of all of this, their love for me, and it gives me hope that we can really find a way out of this.

His mom is in Lily's room watching as she plays on the floor with Max. When we enter, she comes to her feet immediately and hugs me. That's the beauty of family, I suppose, the acceptance and understanding that we have for each other. I can't say anything as I feel fresh tears start to come again. Then she whispers, "Come talk to me if you need to," and leaves, after cheerfully telling us she's expecting all of us for supper.

Lily has stopped playing and is just looking warily at me. I know I'm the cause of that look, but I have to try to mend things and not dwell on the ugliness of before. Russ must sense the uneasiness because he just says, "Mummy's back, Lil," and gives her an encouraging smile. Then he squeezes my hand. "Going to check on the baby," he tells me, and gives the two of us time to be alone.

I kneel on the floor a short distance from her, and as her daddy did with me earlier, tell her the only thing I can. "I love you, sweetie." Hoping against hope she won't reject me, I hold out a hand to her.

"Mommy!" She's up and then flying into my arms. I hold her tight, never wanting to let her go. Stroking her hair, kissing her, I tell her, "I'm sorry."

"It's okay, Mama." She looks at me, a bit worried when she sees me crying, until I explain, "They're happy tears, muffin."

"Are you still sick?" I don't want to worry her, but one thing Russ and I have always vowed is to be as honest with her as possible. "Yes...but Daddy is going to take me to the doctor's and he'll make me all better."

"I don't want you to be sick, Mommy."

"I don't want to be sick, either, Lily. We're going to fix things and it will be okay." 

"Daddy..." I hadn't even known Russ was back until she speaks to him, and I turn, Lily still in my arms, to see him holding Tyler, "Mommy says she's gonna get better."

"Mummy's right." Our gazes meet and I can plainly see the encouragement he has for me there. "We'll get her better straightaway and everything will be fine, Lily, I promise." He comes to sit on the floor with us, Tyler still nestled in his arms, and even though I have Lily on my lap l, I reach for the baby. It's a measure of Russell's faith in me that he merely gives Tyler to me, rather than asking if I'm able to handle both kids at once. I realize the significance of that and try to silently tell him with my expression how very much that means.

Tyler, who is usually a tiny go-getter (exactly like his father; just as I had predicted), somehow senses my need for calm, because he just lies there gazing contentedly at me. He's really starting to develop a personality, even at barely a month old, and I truly do love him with all my heart. I feel badly that I neglected him earlier so I simply hold him and hope he can feel all the love that I have for him. Usually, he fusses just a bit when he's lying in someone's arms like this for too long, because he loves to be involved and look at everything around him; we usually either have to shift him so he can plainly see the whole wide world or else put him in his swing or bouncy seat. But now, he just looks at me, and it's as if he's telling me he understands.

Lily goes back to what she was doing before, simply happy to have all of us near her, and I know how she feels, because even though I pushed them all away earlier and they made me feel so stressed and hemmed in, right now, having Russ and our children near gives me a measure of peace. As I sit there, Lily close by and Tyler beginning to doze as I cuddle him, Russ doesn't say anything, just moves so he's behind me, his legs on either side of mine, his arms around both me and the baby wrapped so protectively and comfortingly around us, and I lean into him, finally allowing myself to draw strength and support from him. And it feels good to do that.

Russell

I think Lissy's almost relieved that we've faced this head-on and now we're going to find a solution. I could see how much things were eating at her, you know? And I understand why she didn't come to me about it. It's the same reason I couldn't turn to her when I was like that. Kind of a sort of shame, guilt that you should even feel that way when there's a million other people who'd kill to have the life you're leading. And a sort of protectiveness towards the other person, a need to keep them from the darkness that you feel's closing in all around you.

It's not that we don't have trust. Takes a lot of courage to open up your heart to someone, to let them into your soul and see you for who you are. I know, 'cause I was terrified at first to let Lissy have that much access to me. To know me that well, to show her my flaws and weaknesses and give myself completely to her. And I'm sure she'd tell you the same thing. But that's a part of loving someone. We nearly lost that once and I'll be damned if I'll ever let it fucking happen again.

Later that night, after we've put the kids to sleep, we lie there quietly in our own bed, and she comes readily into my arms, letting me hold her. It's as if she's starved for comfort, as if by physical contact with me she can renew herself and find what she needs. And I'm glad to give that to her. We talk, at first me doing most of it, telling her what I've just said here. There's nothing between us now, no secrets, no doubts. Once, way back when, I'd have been afraid to let her inside like this. But I need her to know what we've got and what we are, together.

Somehow, the intimacy of being here in bed with her always opens both of us up. Right here, like this...we've had more discussions about things, both serious and funny. It's serious now but I can sense a burden lifting off of her, as she begins to tell me all that's been troubling her over the last few weeks and I just hold her close and let her keep drawing all the strength she needs from me.

We're gonna get her better. I can see, now that this is out in the open and we're beginning to deal with it, that already she's starting to come about, just a little. She wouldn't leave the kids the rest of the day, and they were absolutely happy to be near her, as they always are. She's their Mummy; and they love her no matter what.

And me...I wouldn't know what I'd do without her. That time before, when we were split up, I was lost. I meant what I said when I told her then that she filled up the emptiness that was in me. Could've never dreamed of a life like this; and would never have thought it'd be mine. But it is, and I'm so grateful to Liss for it.

We talk long into the night, until Tyler wakes up, and then she feeds him, while I watch over the both of them and help her get him back asleep. Then we go to sleep finally ourselves, ready to face the promise of another day and the hope of healing.

Lissy

We start the day fresh and new, something that makes me glad, because after all the heartache of the prior one, we need a new beginning. Thankfully, the children seem to show no ill effects of my breakdown; Lily's trying so hard to be as much help as her tiny self possibly can, and Tyler, well, he's Tyler. He's still so small and dependent on us, and I need to make myself strong once more for the both of them.

Last night Russ and I talked for a long time, about anything and everything, mostly about our emotions and what we've been thinking and feeling. Ever since his own breakdown of sorts, ever since we finally began to get things back on track, we've been able to talk freely. Except now, with my postpartum depression. For now, that's what I realize it really is. I wouldn't blame him if he felt hurt or resentful that I kept hiding that from him, especially since when he was in his dark period I tried everything I could to get him to open himself up to me, but he so far has been the most understanding, caring, loving person about all of it. Maybe 'cause he's been there before himself, surrounded by darkness, looking for a way out of it. The things he said to me were profoundly beautiful, truths about love and trust, especially about the two of us in particular.

He doesn't want to put this off any longer, and neither do I, so we leave the children with his parents, whom I must add have been so supportive of me and my crisis, too, and we go to Coffs to see my doctor. I was due to see him next week anyhow, for my regular after-birth physical, but Russell insisted we don't wait to get me help, so here we are. Russ, god bless him...he kind of sometimes tends to want to be controlling and take charge, but as we sit there, he only offers me his silent support, only offering a comment or two when I seem lost for words or unable to say what I must. I can see why it was so hard for him before to admit he had problems like this. It's never an easy thing to admit that you're struggling and that you need help. But I do; and I realize that he's there for me, just as he promised me.

My doctor is unbelievably understanding as he explains to me that his own wife went through this. He describes his own feelings of helplessness and I can see that it helps Russ, because I sense that's probably what he's going through himself, with me. He prescribes a bunch of vitamins and herbal supplements first, to see how I do, because I'm still adamant about not wanting to go on meds so I can breastfeed Tyler. At least this is one thing I can still do properly for my son. I'm not sure if this makes Russ happy, but he's supportive---at least to the point where he agrees to at least give this a go. If I don't seem to start coming around I'll have to take antidepressants; the doctor says there are still ones he can give me that will be safe while I'm nursing the baby. I'm determined to try my best but realize that if I must, I must...whatever is best for me. The kids and my husband, too, but mostly for myself.

On the drive home, Russ turns to me and says quietly, "It's going to be all right." 

"I hope so," I tell him. Deep in my heart, I know I'm going to get well again...I'm too stubborn not to, I think wryly...but it's a matter of time and I just can't rush things.

Ironically, despite all my blue feelings, I'm feeling awfully anxious over being separated from Lil and Tyler for very long, so we hurry back. Both of them are overjoyed to see me....Lily asks if the doctor's made me all better and we explain to her that he's started to; she doesn't seem disappointed that I'm not magically healed but pleased that I'm at least trying to be her 'happy Mommy' again, the phrase she uses both amusing me and breaking my heart. I'm not that way to her right now, but Russ, who has hardly left my side at all today, simply hugs me and reassures in my ear, "Give it time, sweetheart." And I feel the pressure ease because he's not expecting me to be perfect. I understand now that he never has. He loves me for myself and that means more to me than anything.

And Tyler...how can one resist this adorable, gorgeous little boy? When I hold him, he makes his sweet baby sounds and smiles at me. He's so young, but I swear he really DOES smile...as devastatingly as his father. The children don't expect perfection, either...their love is every bit as unconditional as Russell's...and I think to myself, how can I not heal with such affection and caring surrounding me as this?

Russell

It's going to take time for Liss to come back around, no one knows more than me what an up-and-down battle that can be, but she's trying so hard. I can see the gleam of determination in her beautiful eyes, which is so much better than the dull despair I saw there before and I have every confidence we'll make it through.

Love watching her with our kids. Even though I know she's having a struggle she patiently listens to Lily's bright chatter, responding appropriately, and then she gives Tyler equal attention. Instead of her caring for them, the little tykes seem to be caring for her, and she's thriving on it. As I watch her now, there's rosy colour in her cheeks, and she looks almost like she's aglow, like she did both times she was pregnant. There's no denying Lissy was meant to be a mum. And not just anyone's mum, but these twos'. They don't know how lucky they are.

She wanted to try a more naturalistic approach at first, not 'cause she's one of those real organic types but because of Tyler. When she said at the doctor's she wanted to be able to feed him without worrying about passing anything on to him, I could tell she meant this in the way that by doing this for our son she would still have some small measure of control and take pride at being able to provide for him. But I want her to concentrate on what's best for her just now; and not have to worry about the well-being of the kids.

You know, I try not to be so damn fucking protective of her...but that's my first instinct, and I can't help it. I've gotta let her get well at her own pace, as much as she can. I know when I was going through all of that from before; she didn't feel her love was enough to bring me back. And maybe mine's not enough for her, but that's not saying that it's not there as strong or as deep as ever. If love was enough to heal, believe me, she'd be absolutely fine right now.

But she's getting there. Slowly but surely, she's getting there. 

Lissy

That night, when we're alone in bed, I go into his arms and let him hold me. I think this gives him as much security and comfort as it does to me. 

In the darkness he says, "Gonna work it out now, Liss." 

I sigh, turn my head and kiss his shoulder. "I wish I'd just wake up and find I dreamt all of this and I felt the way I used to." 

"It'll take time, Lissy. You're starting to come back...I can see it. Did you feel that way earlier?"

I nod, even though he can't see me. Then I add, "It's not that I don't love the kids."

"Of course not." He then surprises me when he says, "But you just wonder if sometimes they'd be better off without you."

"How...how did you....?"

I wish I could see the look on his face when he confesses, "Because I used to feel the same way. That maybe you'd have been better off without me."

"No!" I sit up so abruptly that he turns on the bedside lamp and draws me back down, into the circle of his arms. "Shh, Liss...I'm not saying you WOULD have...just that I felt that way most of the time." He goes on, "Like what did I ever do to deserve such happiness...that maybe I didn't deserve it, and then it got so bad I actually began believing that, and kept beating myself up over the good I had with you."

I nod again. It sounds entirely mental, but this is exactly how I feel. 

"Look at it this way, Lissy." He gazes deeply into my eyes. "If we didn't feel this way...if we didn't have the struggles we've had...it'd probably mean it's 'cause we wouldn't have the love we're supposed to have for each other, either."

And I know he's right. It's BECAUSE our love is so intense and so heartfelt that we've gone through all this. If we'd given up before, it would have meant because we hadn't felt we had anything worth fighting for. And, I've discovered, some of the greatest things in life are worth the struggle it takes to get them. But that's why feeling this way now, after all we've endured, almost makes me ashamed of myself.

He must understand this because he kisses me and tells me, "Don't ever doubt yourself, baby. I know what's in your heart. You know what's in there. And what we've got to do is find what's put it there in the first place."

It's a journey. And I don't know how long it'll take, which scares me. But the thing of it is, Russell is willing to take it with me. I think of the times he was trying, so hard, to come back from the bottom and the times I felt I wasn't doing enough for him. But I guess, by being there, loving him, I was.

Now it's his turn to do the same for me. 

We hold each other long into the night, not really sleeping, either one of us. There's not a whole lot of conversation right now, either---the two of us have bared our souls to one another like this nearly every night, and it's not that there's nothing left to say, it's just that there's somehow not words powerful enough to express what we feel, and we both just know what the other is thinking anyhow. "Truth comes in silence"---Russell wrote those words once, and he was right---at this point in time, we each understand what the other holds in their heart.

Tyler's still sleeping in our room in the bassinet that used to belong to Lily. When all of this came crashing down Russ wanted to move him back into his own room, but I disagreed on the principle that, while he's still so small and I have to nurse him at least a couple of times during the night and early morning hours, it's easier for me to have him close by. He naps in the daytime in his crib, in his room, but at night, he's in here with us. And I fiercely am trying to keep things as normal as I possibly can for the sake of both of our children. I refuse to give this up; it's the least I can do for my baby son. I know Russell worries so much about that but I also know that he understands my motivation.

As we lie there, there's a tiny whimper from his direction. Both of us instantly go on parental alert; we wait to see if he'll settle into sleep again or if he'll wake up and want to be fed. I can hear the sounds he makes as he stirs and then he begins to fuss, wide awake now, probably wet, and hungry. My body reacts predictably, my breasts full and ready to nurse him; but before I can respond, Russ moves first, leaning over to kiss me. "Don't get up just yet. I'll take care of him."

The old me would probably argue, at least halfheartedly, but the struggling me is grateful that he's willing to take charge and help. Tyler's on my side of the room but you would think I was sound asleep yet as I can hear Russ murmuring to the baby in that low quiet tone, where I can't ever quite make out what he's saying but which seems to always be a soothing balm to both of the kids. Tyler's still making his little grumpy 'I'm hungry' sounds but he's calmer as his dad speaks to him. Then I can hear Russell tell him cheerfully, "Let's get you changed, mate. Though I don't know why when Mum's gonna feed you and you'll just fill 'em right back up again." I turn over and just watch as he quickly, efficiently gets Tyler clean and in a dry diaper, dressed back in his sleeper. He begins to protest again when Russ leaves him to go wash his hands in the bathroom and it rapidly escalates into an all-out upset. I'm sitting up in bed now, and I can see his arms and legs flailing as he cries. I flinch slightly at the sound and I can see the worry and the sorrow, sorrow for me, flash briefly through my husband's eyes as he picks the baby up, trying, oh-so-hard himself, to keep things normal, too. For me, mostly, as well as our child. 

"Hey, sweetie..." I'm trying, though, speaking to the baby as Russ holds him so he can see me, bouncing him gently. Rather than simply handing him directly to me, he comes back around and gets into bed, still cuddling Tyler. "Here, Liss..." He gently moves me forward so he can settle in behind me, the way we used to with Lily, where I'm sitting in between the V of his legs back against him and he can hold the two of us. It's both a loving gesture on his part and an offering of support, physical and emotional, for me. When he's got me snug against him with my head on his shoulder, he gives me Tyler, and I hold him to me as he eagerly latches on to my breast and begins nursing hungrily. I'm nestled into my husband almost like the baby's nestled into me. One of Russell's hands is on the baby's head, tenderly stroking his soft fluff of downy dark hair while he feeds; the other is touching me, rubbing my back in circles, then he slips up under my hair to massage the nape of my neck. He buries his face next to mine; I close my eyes and sigh as he kisses my temple. "Okay?" he whispers.

I nod. 

"Sure?" 

I nod once again. And indeed, there is a feeling of peace at holding Tyler like this, sharing such a beautiful, natural connection with him as Russell wraps his arms around both of us together. I can feel my troubled heart beginning to heal; the weight of the world easing from my shoulders. Once Tyler is like this, warm and content in my embrace, the familiar weight of his tiny body comforting to me, I feel fine. It's that anxiety when he cries, when he's helpless, that I feel that way too and I worry I won't be able to take care of him. Deep within me, I know that's ridiculous; that he's every bit as easy a baby as Lily ever was, but that's just how I feel, the doubt and fear creeping in.

But he's so trusting; I look at him, his eyelids beginning to droop just a bit, his mouth moving a little less voraciously at my nipple as he begins to get satisfyingly full once more. I reach and stroke his cheek with my fingertip; his hand, which was working reflexively opening and closing against my breast reaches and curls around it, holding my finger tightly. Russell's still got his face against mine, gently rocking me and the baby ever so slightly. "This is all he knows, Lissy," he says softly, as we both gaze down at our son. I'd nearly forgotten what a miracle it is, our children. Lily was a miracle, after all we had thought we had lost; and now Tyler, even through all of this, because he's somehow going to be part of the key to finding all of it all over again. I can sense it.

"He doesn't know any of the sadness, none of the hurt...all he can feel is your love, baby." His voice breaks; Russ wants more than anything for me to be whole again, not for him or the kids, but for myself, because he knows how hard it's been for me to go through all of this. "You're doing so good..." I close my eyes and lean into him, drawing from his strength and his own love for me. "Everything's going to be fine, Liss, I promise."

I do know that he's right; even as I wonder WHEN that will ever be. 

Russell

Watching Liss go through all of this is worse than I could have ever felt going through it myself. Because at least when it was me; I knew I had some control over it. Seeing Liss struggle is heartbreaking 'cause there's not a damn thing I can really do to take any of it away from her. I can try to ease the burden of it for her but I wish I could shoulder all of it myself.

She doesn't resent the kids, either one. In fact, I notice how much she's trying to give to them, to keep things right and normal for them. Especially Tyler; I think she feels that since her pregnancy with him was what brought this on, she feels the need to pour out her love to him, to reassure him that he's not the cause of any of it.

When he cried I saw the way the sound made her wince; and then I know she saw my reaction to that and was ashamed. Holding her, pouring out my own love for her, was the only way that I knew to show her that it was okay to feel that way. That we all love her, just as she is, even hurting as she is, and we're all going to stay with her and work at getting her well. Once she had Tyler in her arms, at her breast, I could feel her relax, her Mum instincts taking over, and she was fine. And I saw how he seemed to rejuvenate her, rather than upset her, which I took heart from. We'll just have to take this day by day, hour by hour, hell, even minute by minute if we have to.

In the morning, she's still sleeping; we were both up late last night, talking and then simply holding each other. She fed Tyler a few hours ago; I know from experience that he'll probably stay asleep for awhile longer too, so I leave the two of them as they are after getting dressed myself and go to check on Lil.

She's up, just lying on the floor hugging Max, playing with her doll. Since Lissy's breakdown of sorts she's been pretty good in the mornings about amusing herself, waiting for one of us to come fetch her, not wanting to disturb us. She's still just a tiny slip of a girl but for her age, she's very wise and mature. Don't know where she gets that from; has to be from Liss as she sure as hell wouldn't have gotten that from me. Anyhow, when she sees it's me and not her mum come to help her get dressed and ready, I can clearly see the alarm in her eyes before she quickly tamps it down and runs into my arms. "Where's Mama?"

"Mummy's still asleep. She's real tired so I'll help you instead, then we'll go find Nana and Papa and get you some brekkie.  Think Nana was going to make you smiley faced pancakes today, Lil." She looks relieved that it's just that Liss is sleeping and not having a crisis. Poor kid. We've kept those times well hidden from her but she's incredibly perceptive. Lissy, I know, worries about what this has done to Lil's psyche but to be honest, she's a good, bright kid and she's ever more worried about her mother than feeling any negativity out of it at all. I can see it in her small face.

I'm helping her brush her teeth when she says, "Daddy?"

"Spit all that out first, before you talk, love." She does, rinsing out her mouth and carefully wiping her face clean before she repeats, "Daddy?"

"Yeah, baby?" I smooth her hair back and watch her, waiting. Wondering what she's about to ask. Her expression is serious, way too much so for a little girl.

"When's Mommy gonna get better?"

I lift her off the counter as she wraps her arms and legs about me, looking to me for an answer. A specific date and time or what, I'm not sure. "Soon, I hope, Lily." We vowed, once we became pregnant with her, that we would always be as honest as we could with her, with any kids we'd have. "We've just gotta let her do it slowly, as much as she can at a time, you know? If it were up to her she wouldn't be sick at all but she's trying, and I think with all of us loving her as much as we do, she's gonna get well right quick."

"I think she is." Lil looks convinced. "She smiles more and she's not so sad. I can feel it." Whenever I look at Lily, I see a small version of Lissy and I can see how much determination she's gotten from her as well. "Our love's workin', Daddy." 

I think back to the night before; when she seemed to be hovering right on the edge of possible disaster but holding her and loving her, Tyler loving her too, brought her back. "I think you're right, sweetheart."

When we get back into the bedroom we're both pleasantly surprised to see Lissy sitting on Lil's bed with Tyler in her arms. Lily wriggles for me to set her down and runs to her mum, hugging her tight and kissing her baby brother. Liss kisses her back, cradling our son, and she looks nearly close to her old self this morning. I feel a surge of hope.

"We slept in." She smiles and I don't sense any hurt or sorrow now, just the promise of a brand new day. "But..." she lifts Lily onto her lap after she hands me the baby, "at least I got here before Daddy was forced to do your hair, right, pumpkin?"

"I reckon I do a pretty passable job of it, don't I, Lil?" I tickle our daughter when she wrinkles her nose. "Don't you think so?" Lily giggles and shakes her head.

"But you try, Daddy." God, I love this kid's honesty. Blunt and brutal though it is. 

"I give you an A for effort," Liss teases as I kiss her. 

"I give you an A for effort, too," I whisper, and I can see her pleased blush at this. Day by day...we're gonna get her there. Slowly but surely...bit by bit.

Lissy

I overheard Russ and Lily talking about me and even as it tore at my heart to know how very much Lil worries about me, her simple conviction that their love was healing me and Russell's agreement to that warmed me inside. It will take a bit more than just that; but that's the biggest part of it, I'm sure.

Russell is a wonderful father; I know what both of us decided long ago about the honesty factor with our kids, and he does a beautiful job of alleviating Lily's fears and concerns without lying to her about anything. She's not even quite three years old, after all, and for all her poise and maturity about things, we sometimes forget she's still a child. I'm sure that she realizes this whole depression thing is much more complicated than that; and that it's going to be a struggle, a process, that I'm still not going to magically wake up one morning and be just as I was, but right now, she merely wants reassurance that things are going to get better, and I feel good about both Russ and I giving that to her.

Maybe later today something will set me off again where I want to just huddle in a ball and cry, but for right now, everything is fine, and I'm concentrating on that. It's near perfect, in fact, as I have Lily in my lap, and Russ beside me with our son, and even Max, the big loveable lug, is leaning against my knee with one of those silly dog grins on his face. It's the little moments like this one that help me get through the bad ones. 

That, and as Lily and Russell said, a lot of love. 

"Mommy..." Lil is happy now that she sees I'm all right; I fret constantly over how all of this is affecting her but Russ reassures me over and over that she's more worried about me than being confused, angry or frightened over my depression. Still, it's not right for a toddler to be so concerned with grownup problems yet, and I feel so awful that I've had to put her through this. I finish with her ponytail and look at her, giving her my full attention. "What, muffin?"

"Nana's gonna make me smiley faced pancakes! That's what Daddy said." I'm so glad that's her primary concern in life right now. 

"Wow! The ones where you get to put the face on with whipped cream and chocolate chips?" When she nods, I can't resist giving her a huge hug. "Then I suppose you'd better hurry downstairs so you can have some."

"Can Tyler have some, too?"

"No, he's too little yet." Russ stands, still holding the baby, and takes Lily's hand as she jumps up and down with glee. "Let's go...are you coming, Liss?"

"In a minute." Damn it, I feel that hated rush of regret and sadness coming on again. His eyes, those intense ones that always see straight through to the heart of me, notice but he only says quietly, so as not to alert Lily, "I'm going to go get them situated with Mum and Dad and then I'll be right back." Then they're off, for nice, normal breakfast, making me feel alone and ridiculous that I should even feel that way.

Russell

Fuck, it makes me angry to see that creep over her again, one moment fine, the next overwhelmed again, by nothing that would be apparent to an outsider but which I understand as being anything and everything to her. I give the baby to my dad and let Lily be with my mum, and explain I'm going back up to check on Liss, knowing that neither of them will let on anything's amiss to our daughter. This could be one of those things that are over in an instant; or one that's gonna take some time. Who knows and who cares. I've got all the time in the world for Lissy.

She's back in our room, sitting on the edge of the bed, folding Tyler's baby blanket over and over, then shaking it out and doing it again, just to have something to keep her hands occupied. When I come in, softly shutting the door behind me, I don't say anything, just kneel there on the floor before her and wait for her to open up. Suddenly, she flings the blanket from her and says fiercely, "God DAMN it!! I'm sick of feeling this way!" and bursts into tears.

I stand and quickly draw her into my arms, against me, holding her tight, and she clings to me, crying. "It's okay, Lissy," I murmur, even though it really isn't; I don't know what I can do to make it right.

"Why is this happening? Why is this happening to me? To us?" she asks, and honest to God, I don't have an answer for that one. She's not expecting one right now, though, she just wants and needs my shoulder to cry on, and I feel some small comfort that I can at least provide that for her.

"I want to take care of my kids! I WANT them to need me, Russ. To depend on me, and know that they can count on me to be here for them. Not to have to turn to you or your parents first because they can't trust me to be whole for them. Do you know how that makes me feel? Do you know how much that hurts me?"

"I do, angel. I do. But we agreed...and we both know...it's going to take time. We're both working on it together. You're gonna come around but you can't force it, can't rush it, sweetheart. You're not alone, Lissy. I'm not going to let you handle this alone. I'm here for you. Always. I swear it."

"Why, Russ? How can you stand this, day after day? How can you put up with me?" She shouldn't even have to ask me that, but that's a sign of how low she's feeling that she even doubts herself where I'm concerned.

"Because I love you," I tell her simply, kissing her tenderly, and we hold each other for a long moment. "I love you too," she whispers, and I kiss her again. "Did you take your vitamins this morning?" I ask, feeling like her parent, and she shakes her head. "Liss..." I leave her just long enough to go get her a glass of water and the pills---knowing as well as she does what she needs to take---and stroke her hair as she gulps them down. "Look, Liss, I know it's not fine right now. I'm not even gonna pretend that it is. If you don't want to go down and be with everyone just yet, that's all right. What do you want to do and I'll help you with whatever it is?"

"I'm...okay..." I just gaze at her and she sighs. "All right. I'm NOT okay. I'm just pissed off at this. I want it to stop and it won't. I want it to stop; I want it to go away."

"Yeah, I know." Believe me, I do. "You're not really depressed now, you're totally fucking pissed off that it's winning, though, aren't you?"

She nods. 

"Well, we're not gonna let it win, Lissy. You won't, and I fucking won't, I promise."

"Damn right!" She's a fighter. I've seen her massively pissed, and it isn't pretty. People think I'M tough; you sure as hell haven't seen my wife in action. "I want smiley faced pancakes, too, goddamn it."

I have to grin. "Well, then, let's go get us some, baby." I give her some privacy to wash her face and try to tidy herself up; and when she comes out, you wouldn't tell there was anything ever wrong. She's still as beautiful as ever. "Liss. Concentrate on getting through the next hour. Just one. I'll help you, okay?" She nods again. "Even the next ten, fifteen minutes. I'll help you, I will. And then we'll try a bit more. Got it?"

The old her would resent being coddled but we're not dealing with the old Liss just now. The Liss we've got, I can tell, is grateful for my help and is going to hang onto it with both hands. But that's okay, anything to help her cope. I take her hand in mine and then, just to see her smile, I tell her, "Strength and honour!" and she groans. Still, I'm rewarded by one of her sweet, warm smiles.

"Please, please don't go all Maximus on me." But I'll give you one big guess who's the real warrior between the two of us. Who the real fighter, the real soldier is.

Lissy

After all that we went through dealing with Russell's dark period, it feels good to allow myself to need him now, to let him be my rock and support me. This is the first time I've gotten angry at my feelings; I've vowed to fight and not let the depression overtake me, but this is the first time I've ever really gotten angry, as if it were a tangible enemy and not some tangle of emotions.

I feel that maybe things can turn around if I can look at it as something to actually do battle with and beat. 

When we go into the kitchen, the family's all there, waiting for me, with smiles and laughter and love, and I feel that it's not going to win. I can't let it. I won't.

Two months later. Russell

Lissy's beginning to find her way back, and it's a beaut of a thing to see. I try not to hover 'round her, 'cause I don't want to make her fucking nuts; but I try to help with the kids as much as I can. Mum and Dad help out when they can, too, like today. I've asked them to look after Lil and Tyler while I take her out for a bit, just the two of us.

I asked her to go riding with me, which is something we haven't done for awhile. I know she's missed that. Sugar's missed her, because she practically takes off running once Liss gets on her. We take them out to our private special spot, letting them go at their own pace. We've gone there enough that all I have to do is point Honey in the general direction and Sugar just follows suit.

Lissy looks healthier; she's got none of that painful thinness that she had right at the start of all of this. I realize now that when she quickly dropped what weight she'd gained when she was pregnant with Tyler that should have been a warning sign right there. And where she once was pale, she's now got a bright look about her. I know it's a day to day thing; she tries to only take on what she can handle and still give as much to the kids and me that she can, but every day, she's able to take more and more of life and actually seems to be thriving on it once again. It's only been another couple of months; I know I shouldn't be too hopeful that the worst of it's over yet, but I am.

We're settled in our favourite place among the trees, watching the horses roam freely and finishing up the last of the food we brought, when she asks suddenly, "Russ?"

"Yeah?" I'm not prepared for what's on her mind next.

"Do you think the kids...well, do you think they'll end up like this later in life?"

"Absolutely fucking happy? God, I hope so."

"No..." her head dips a little, as if she's afraid to even think aloud. "Do you think they'll end up depressed like we've been?"

"No." I can practically assure her of that. "Liss, they're the happiest kids I know. It won't happen to them."

"But..."

"If it does," I promise her, "we'll do all we can for them. Nothing's for sure, sweetheart. We can just do the very best possible." I lean over and kiss her. "I love you."

"I love you, too." And then suddenly, we're reaching for each other, there under the trees, with the smell of the earth and grass around us, the sun shining as bright as ever, and we make love.

We haven't done that for some time, since she was pregnant with Tyler and still able to. She's been okay to for a few weeks now, but I didn't want to push and I didn't want her to think I was insensitive for even thinking such a thing, even though I've been wanting her for so long. But here and now, it just seems right. Her body around mine, the touch of her hands on me and the warm sweetness of her, is so familiar. All the troubles, all the sorrow, it melts away until the only thing that matters is the two of us. And with the trust and the honesty that we've shared lately, it becomes more powerful than anything else in the world at this moment.

We do it twice more in the hours we're there and each time is as deeply emotional as the first. It's always been damn good between me and Liss, but there's something more to it now, it's gone beyond mere physical pleasure and has become an expression of our spiritual commitment to one another, too. I know she feels it because I can see it in her expression; we don't discuss it because there would never be the right words to talk of it aloud. It just is.

When we ride home she's more relaxed and more contented than I've seen her for awhile. We're gonna make it; I can feel the sure knowledge of it deep within me.

I have to point out the welcome sight of our kids. "See how happy they both are, Lissy. No worries there." 

We look at them. Tyler's on the floor in his bouncy seat and Lil is reading to him from one of her storybooks. Never mind that she can't yet read; and that she's actually got the damn book upside down; but she's enthusiastic as she points to the pictures and he honestly seems to be listening. His arms and legs are waving and he's so excited he's making the seat bob up and down.

Lissy sighs but it's a sound of peace; she just snuggles there in my arms, her head against my shoulder, and we watch them playing with each other, both of us smiling. Right now, I feel nothing but happiness radiating from her, and it's a hell of a great feeling.

Lissy

After that day, in the clearing by the pond, which is our own private, secret haven that we share, I can feel changes starting to happen more rapidly. It's not that before then, I didn't know that Russell loved me, because I did, but what happened between us there was profound in its beauty. Many, many times I've felt connected to him heart and soul when we've made love, pretty much every time---I'd be lying to you if I said I didn't---but then, that particular time, I just don't know how to describe it. I wish I could. I felt almost like a phoenix rising from the ashes, reborn into something wild and free.

Some days are still better than others. Most days, I'm able to take care of my own self as I should; and those are great; the days that I also manage to take care of Lily and Tyler as before are triumphs.

Tyler is now four and a half going on five months old. Lily is just over two and a half years old. It can be a daunting thing. But I thank God every day for blessing me with two very easygoing, roll-with-the-punches kind of children. Tyler IS a ball of energy, just as I had always known, just exactly like Russ, but he's always pretty content and cheerful. Lily is my dependable girl, wise beyond her years and reveling in her role as his big sister. He's not to the stage where he annoys her yet, probably because he's not yet mobile on his own, and she adores him. Even though he can't really do much with her right now, she enjoys spending time with him, trying to make him laugh and giving him kisses.

I'm starting to slowly begin to wean Tyler, getting him to take a bottle more instead of nursing him all the time. He's starting to eat a little bit of solid food anyhow, and this way, I've decided, I can maybe not feel so overwhelmed. Besides, Russ and Lily both love to feed him, which is good. This was a difficult decision for me; I know I fiercely wanted this one thing to be able to do for him, but after thinking it over I decided it WAS the best thing I could do for him. He needs me as whole as I can be. Besides, I still won't give up his first and last feedings of the day, which is our special time and something that I treasure. Those early mornings and later evenings, when he's drowsy and warm and cuddly are moments that I cherish with him.

I'm getting better. I'm not completely back yet, but I'm so close...and I'm fighting, oh so hard. 

Russell

Liss is getting better. After the time we spent together that day we went out riding, I could see her healing become more pronounced. I'd joke and say it was the sex; but it's not something to be taken lightly and it's something a lot more than that. Don't know what exactly, but I'm not questioning it.

We're closer than ever, committed to each other and to the raising of our children. She decided all on her own to start weaning Tyler bit by bit off her breast and start him bottle feeding, which he doesn't seem to take offence to, and it's something that Lil and I enjoy helping out with. I think maybe it doesn't tie her down as much and it can let her concentrate on getting well. The vitamins and herbs she was prescribed seem to work but she also on her own decided to go on mild antidepressants for a time, and things are going much more normally. I still try not to be so protective and overbearing, but you know me. Still, I think she's grateful for my being there, for giving her a shoulder to lean on and to cry on when she needs one.

I know Lissy's pretty much back, when, one day we're all in the kitchen. The baby's in his chair and Lil's kneeling on hers beside him trying to feed him his cereal. I'm right there watching, making sure she's okay with him when suddenly Tyler reaches right out and tries to take the spoon from her.

"No...Tyler, don't!" She tries to pull it out of his fist but I gotta tell you, the kid's got one hell of a grasp. "Daddy..." Before I can do anything, he lets go. The spoon flips and lets loose and cereal splatters on Lily.

Instead of crying, she giggles. This then makes him gleeful and he eagerly waves his arms about...and upturns the entire rest of it onto him, and then in turn, onto the floor. Lissy comes in just then and for a brief moment, we all freeze, fearful she'll either burst into tears or get upset at us all.

She shakes her head, and then she's laughing too. Now, keep in mind that even a month or so ago, I wouldn't have imagined that'd be her reaction to all of this. "You don't know what hit you, do you?" she tells the baby, picking him up and not even flinching when he goos cereal down her front, as well. "C'mon, sweetie...let's go get the two of you cleaned up." Lily jumps off the chair and takes the hand that her Mum offers to her.

Then she looks at me and catches me grinning. "What are YOU waiting for?" she asks. "I could use a hand with this mess." 

She has no idea what she's just done or said. How normal, how very HER that was. "Max..." she snaps her fingers at the dog. "You get the rest of Tyler's brekkie today." Turning to me again, she says impatiently, "Well?"

I don't say anything precisely because of the very normalcy of it all. Instead I just kiss her soundly and take our sticky son from her as we go to clean off him and Lil. We're all four of us in the bathroom changing kids' clothes and washing messy little hands and faces when Lily's the first one to bring it up. "You're happy again, Mommy."

Lissy stops what she's doing and then looks at her, the squirming baby she's trying to hold on to and then at me. I just smile at her. Then she smiles back at all of us. "Yes...I am," she admits. "I AM happy, Lil."

I can't help but take her in my arms and kiss her again, this time deep and full of promise. Until Lily pipes up, sounding just like her Mummy, "HELLO! I can't tie my shoes back up!" and this time, we're both laughing, free and clear.

God, it feels so good. 

Lissy

I feel so good about myself now, the kids, my relationship with Russell, all of it. Until Lily points out that I'm happy, I hadn't realized it. But then they all seem to be rejoicing, even the baby, and I realize I DO feel happy, without any reservations or hesitation. Just the mundane act of cleaning up after the children makes me happy. Russ and I assuming our natural roles as parents makes me happy. Even Tyler smearing oatmeal down the front of me makes me inexplicably joyful. It's so normal that it's cause for celebration.

After this breakthrough moment, life settles back into a regular pattern once more. You would think after the excitement of sharing a life with Russell when we were merely a couple, traveling the globe, the glamour and the glitz of our 'movie star life' as we like to call it, that simply being home with two small children would be dull by comparison. But, and I don't think I'm just speaking for myself here, I would rather have snuggles with Lily and Tyler and long rides with the horses over paparazzi and limousines any day.

Russ worries when he needs to go to the States for a short time on business and I decide that the children and I will stay here this time. I know he's still concerned over my depression and the strain that caring for them all on my own might cause me. But I want to try to be a fulltime mommy again and we'll be just fine, I can feel it. Besides, I have the support of his parents and I really do feel strong and capable once more. So he leaves and we settle into a different sort of rhythm because Daddy's away.

I find a newfound almost perverse sort of pleasure in everyday things, like doing laundry and changing diapers. Lily still loves helping me, especially with her baby brother, although after the cereal incident I do most of the feeding and let her take care of a lot of his entertainment. He's starting to crawl more and more, which delights her even as she has to learn pretty rapidly to put up things she doesn't want him to get into.

Although I do feel better when Russell finally comes back home. The children missed him, I missed him, and I know that he missed all of us, too. When he gets back and in the door, we're all clinging to him, giving him kisses and hugs, and I can see his absolute joy, as well. It's pretty late; I kept the kids awake knowing he was on the way, and after beginnings of stories from Lil, with promises to finish in the morning, nonstop grinning from Tyler and promises of presents from Daddy then, too, they're off to bed. We have a really spectacular reunion--- let me tell you, parenthood hasn't cooled us down from one another at all. We're still as...shall we say, enthusiastic...for each other as we ever were.

In the morning, there's time for a bit more cuddling, kissing, and...well, more, and a shower together before the two kids are even stirring. Once they're up, we're back into the same cheerful chaos that I imagined there would be the night I told Russ I was pregnant with Tyler. Even including Max, who follows everyone around like the hugely overgrown pup that he still is.

As Lily finally stops talking long enough to dig into her breakfast, and Tyler attempts to feed himself bites of scrambled egg with his fingers, Russ says quietly to me, "You seem so happy, Liss."

There's no hesitation as I answer, "That's because I am." 

He takes my hand in his, curling his fingers around mine, and I feel contented and completely surrounded by love.