Russell

Glad to see that Lissy's finally back. The sparkle in her eyes, the smile that I love so much...they're so familiar and they've been sorely missed. I've managed to catch more and more of that spark about her from day to day but now it's there all the time, just like before.

I worried about leaving her alone with the kids; even considered making them all come along with me but I knew how badly she wanted this chance to try to be fully back and whole and able to care for them. Judging by all the tales Lily keeps telling me, everything went smoothly and well. She talks about Liss reading to her and playing with them on the floor; things that I would've normally expected but are welcome to hear now. Last night, even, she was the one to make the first overtures towards me about getting into bed; not that she doesn't like to be the aggressor once in a while but it fairly surprised me. Wasn't like I didn't already hope and plan for that anyhow; but it was nice. More than nice. Pretty damn fucking incredibly awesome, thank you very much.

Now that we're back on track I've got an idea I'm going to spring on her later. Right now I'm happy myself; just being back in the thick of family life, with the kids and my wife and everything we hold dear.

After we eat and get things cleaned up, Lil puts her small hand in mine and tells me, "You gotta watch Tyler crawlin', Daddy." 

"He was doing that before I left, sweetheart." Lissy has hold of him as we all go into the other room together. "Did you think I was gone that long?"

"No...You gots to see him crawl with me." She's fairly bouncing with excitement. Lissy sets him down on the floor next to her and just smiles at me, then at the both of them. "We're gonna race, and you gots to watch us, okay?"

"Well now, that hardly seems fair, Lil...you're what? Five times older than he is?" But I perch on the arm of the couch, pull Liss in against me with her half sitting on my lap, my arms around her waist and my face next to hers. She whispers to me, "Shh...You've just got to see them together."

Lily's on her hands and knees next to her baby brother, who's already trying to go. Like her, he's a bit ahead of schedule in his development, something that makes both me and Liss proud to no end. She's got one arm in front of him to hold him back. "Ready...set...ready..."

"Lil," Lissy interrupts gently. "It's 'ready, set, go'."

"Oh...I forgot." She's so cute. "Okay, Tyler? Ready...set...go!" They both start crawling but she deliberately goes slowly, holding back. He's full of energy, chubby little arms and legs working as he moves forward. Then she pipes up enthusiastically, "You're gonna get me, Tyler...look, Mommy, Daddy, he's goin' so fast!" She lets him catch up and then she really practically comes to a halt while her pulls ahead. "You won, Tyler! You won!" The baby stops and laughs, pleased with himself, and then he and Lily are rolling around on the floor together like two rambunctious pups.

I can't help but laugh as well. Lissy's beaming from ear to ear and says, "She lets him win. He loves it." 

Watching our two giggly kids, I have to remark, "Wish we could bottle up some of that energy for ourselves." 

"Oh, honey...are you tired? Rough night last night?" Her tone's so sweetly teasing and that's another thing I missed about her. I very discreetly slide one hand further up and lightly cup her breast; I'm rewarded by her pressing back into me, just a bit, and practically purring with pleasure. I've missed all of this and nothing makes me happier than knowing I've got my woman back in one piece. "Yeah," I whisper in her ear.

"Poor baby..." she's using that crooning tone she usually reserves for Tyler. "I'll take care of you later."

"I'm sure you will." Her eyes are full of mischief and promise as she reluctantly tears herself away from me to go separate the kids, who are now getting a bit TOO rambunctious. When she turns back to me, she's got Tyler on her hip and Lily gleefully clinging like a small monkey to her leg.

And she's so happy at it all that I could sing and dance with joy myself. 

Lissy

One of my greatest joys is seeing Lily and Tyler take such enjoyment in each other's company. I know that the time will come when she won't want him around as much; and there'll be squabbles and such, but right now, they thoroughly love playing together.

They're growing too rapidly for my taste. Tyler is just hitting the seven month mark and Lily's now nearly three. But whereas I used to take pride in watching them hit such basic milestones as sitting up by themselves and learning to crawl, I'm starting to really take pride into the young people that they're turning out to be, with their own unique personalities and emotions.

Tyler especially, now that he's rapidly advancing into a full-fledged little boy. His own personality is so sharply defined; he's turning out to be so much like Russell that I find it amusing. Even his mother says he's like him at that age. I'm not sure what this bodes for the future but right now he's got a bold, strong, energetic way with him that I so see as coming from my husband. He's pretty easygoing; I think he learned to adapt to that to adjust to my illness; but he also shows bits of his daddy's stubbornness and infamous temper at times. At least life with him won't be dull.

It feels good, too, to be able to feel intimacy and pleasure once more with Russell. Throughout this entire thing, he's been nothing but patient and understanding, but I know it had to be difficult for him sometimes. Now, I feel more like myself and I know he's happy about that. Every difficulty we've faced only has served to make us stronger, both individually and as a couple. Not that I'm really appreciative of all the rough patches, but at least some good has come of them, even if only in a roundabout way. When I first met him, I despaired that we were two entirely different people from very different, sometimes conflicting worlds, but throughout we've managed to become very similar in our dreams and our desires and been able to create a world together of our own making. We've built a real, true, honest life with one another, on a solid foundation of love and trust, and I'm extremely proud of that.

Later that evening as we're getting ready for bed, he surprises me by saying, "I want to take the kids and go on a holiday together." 

We haven't traveled somewhere strictly for fun in some time. Tyler's only been as far as Sydney, where we all went for a small trip a couple of months ago, when I first started coming back around; but I don't think that truly counts, since we have a home there anyhow and it's more a change of scenery than going on vacation. "Where?"

"Hawaii." When Russ has a definite answer that's when I know he's actually gotten it mostly already thought out. "There's a small, exclusive island...you have to fly in on a small plane from Honolulu...a couple with a few staff members live there fulltime but rent out this house. It's completely private...there'd just be us and them, maybe Mark and David along, that'd be it. But safe and secure...no worries...just us and the kids, Liss."

I smile, totally loving this idea. "And you've already reserved it for us, haven't you? How long would we stay?"

He looks somewhat sheepish although he knows that I simply know him much too well. "Yeah...and I was thinking at least two weeks...maybe a month."

"Yeah...and you reserved it for an entire month, didn't you?" I kiss him. "It sounds wonderful."

"I was hoping you'd say yes." 

"You KNEW I'd say yes." I tease him. "You know I can't resist you, ever." 

"Lucky for me." 

"Lucky for you," I agree. "When do we go?"

"In a couple of weeks." He looks supremely satisfied at our plans and I can't blame him. It sounds heavenly. It'll be a chance for us to rest and reenergize and come back fresh anew.

The next two weeks are a flurry of activity to get things ready for our trip. Lily is very, very excited, and I realize---she's rarely gone on a trip that didn't involve Daddy working. This is a little sad, but true. Since Tyler, Russ has been content to be a stay-at-home dad alongside me, mostly because of my illness and his need to try to care for all of us, and I'm content to support him in whatever he does, knowing that eventually he'll go back to work on another project when he's ready and that we'll always work something out that will be good for all of us. We so worried about that before deciding to have our first baby, but so far, it's been fine. Unconventional, but pretty beneficial for us and the kids.

Finally we're off; at the last moment we decided it would just be the four of us. That was one of the things it took getting used to with Russell, the constant presence of other people wherever we went, but that somehow managed to work itself out, too. It's something I've never been either completely accepting or totally resentful of, and the children, Lil especially, have always managed to charm anyone that's worked with Russ. This time, he wanted this to be private, just our little family on holiday together, and everyone concerned respected that. There will be a small group of staff on the island, relatives of the couple who run the place, to take care of our every need, Russ assures me.

We land in Honolulu and take one of those smaller planes to the private airstrip on our island. God, that sounds almost insane, doesn't it, 'our island'? But, for the next month it will be, and that makes my mind boggle. We're met at the plane by the middle-aged Hawaiian couple that will primarily be taking care of us during our stay: Ed and Melina, who immediately are warm and friendly to Russ and me and fall instantly in love with our two children, whom, I strongly suspect, will now always have an adopted set of grandparents in the Hawaiian Islands. Other celebrities and dignitaries have stayed here but they're not at all overwhelmed or impressed by social status, and I think that's the appeal and charm of staying here, besides the privacy. It's a place, Ed explains, that they wanted to offer to people for rest and quiet, which is the perfect thing for us.

The house is fairly large, not showy but comfortable, practically right on the beach. Lily's fascinated by the ocean and Russell promises to take her to see it after we've unpacked and relaxed a little. While we're unloading the car of all our belongings, we're met by a pretty teenaged girl who looks to be about our niece Chelsea's age. Melina introduces her daughter Leilani, who is going to be starting college in the fall and whom, she says, would love to take care of Lil and Tyler if Russ and I want to have some time alone. I'm sure we'll take her up on it. Lily is definitely impressed by her; with her long dark hair and exotic looks, she finds her utterly interesting; and Leilani promises to take her out looking for seashells in a day or so. They live in another house a bit away but are willing to come take care of anything we might need them for. Melina says she will actually come make us dinner each night and we can call the small plane back to fly us to the larger islands if we want to. It's a paradise on Earth and I'm thrilled to be sharing this with the rest of my family.

The children are sharing a bedroom here; there's even a crib set up for Tyler, and our bedroom opens up with French doors onto a patio that has a direct path onto the beach and a clear view of the ocean, which isn't far away. It's beautiful. Everything about this place is beautiful. I already feel rejuvenated, any last vestiges of the crippling depression I suffered earlier quickly fading away. I feel like a new person, finally whole once more and able to give and share myself with my husband and my children.

After we've settled, Russ takes Lily to check out the ocean and the beach. I have Tyler with me and go to see if I can help Melina in the kitchen. Even after being married to Russ all this time I sometimes still find it difficult to allow people to wait on us. He doesn't take advantage of it either but accepts it as a part of who he is, but it was harder for me to get used to.

Of course she won't let me do a thing but she's warm and inviting and I sit at the island in the center of the big kitchen, Tyler in a high chair next to me. She's probably in her mid to late fifties and reminds me of my own mother.

"Is there anything I should be aware of? Foods any of you might be allergic to or that the children won't eat?" She gives Tyler a piece of freshly-baked bread with the crust removed and he happily chews on it.

"No...Nothing that I know about...and trust me, both Russ and these kids will eat practically anything you put in front of them." My son is robust---Russell and I jokingly refer to him as the "Buddha baby"---and I smile at him as he grins back at me with the bread squished in his chubby fist.

"You have beautiful children." Melina smiles at the baby as well. 

"Thank you." I lean over and kiss Tyler on the head; he says "Mama," and goes back to munching on his treat. 

"They seem so happy." 

I think back to that day by the pond, when I worried Lily and Tyler would somehow become depressed themselves later in life, and what Russell told me. And what I observe within them every day. "They are."

"You're very happy, also. Both you and your husband. He loves you all so much. I can see it in his eyes." She smiles at me and hands me a warm piece of bread, too, slathered lavishly with homemade orange-pineapple jam. "But you especially. I see how happy they all make you as well. It shines in your face."

This makes me feel good, that someone who hasn't known the pain and suffering we've gone through recently doesn't see that anymore in me, but only the newfound joy and hope that I now feel.

"She glows with it, doesn't she?" I hear Russ' soft observation behind me. I didn't realize they had come back and that he'd heard that last bit. Our eyes meet and everything else melts away; then he comes over and kisses me. "You taste sweet."

"Mommy..." Lily tugs at my hand. "Look what Daddy found for me." She shows me a perfect pink seashell, just big enough to fit in her small palm. "It's a pretty she-shell, huh?" She's holding it carefully and I smile at her child's speech. "It's lovely, Lil."

"He says you have to come see the water. There's a lot of sand too and he says he's gonna teach me to make a sand house." 

"Castle." Russ ruffles his daughter's hair and looks down at her with affection. "A sand castle...built just for my Princess, right, love?"

She beams at this...I never tire of watching him with her. With Tyler, either, as he looks at him and asks, "Whatcha got there, mate?" Then he turns back to me and entices, "Come for a walk with me, Liss?"

Before I can say anything, Melina breaks in, "Go. I'll watch these two." 

"Are you sure?" I'm ever the worried mum. 

"Lily will help me cook...want to, darling?" She nods, the prospect of this almost more exciting than beachcombing. "And the baby...he's fine." 

"You gots to see the ocean, Mommy." Russ is already lifting her on a stool and just watches me with that quietly intense gaze of his. If I didn't know any better I'd think they were all in this together. "It's way big. Huh, Daddy?"

"Way big, Lily," he agrees solemnly. 

"So you gotta see it. Maybe Daddy will find you a she-shell, too." 

"Maybe I will." He holds out a hand to me. "What d'ya reckon, Liss? Shall we?" 

I hand Lily the rest of my bread and jam, kiss her and Tyler. "Be good." 

"'Kay." We laugh as she adds, "You, too."

As we're leaving he whispers, "I make no promises about that one." 

Good. I'm glad. 

Russell

As I take Lissy's hand in mine, as we go out barefooted on the sand and walk slowly to the water's edge, I feel a fine sense of peace come over the two of us. Especially in her. She looks utterly relaxed, content, and, the most important of all---happy---and I'm glad I decided to bring the whole lot of us here.

"You want I should find you a 'she-shell', Liss?" She laughs, the sound magical, bright and clear. "If you want. I guess Lily'd be disappointed if I didn't come back with one." The breeze catches her hair and she's so fucking pretty. Reminds me of the very first time I ever saw her. "She's so excited to be here."

"Well, I gotta warn you, we'll probably be taking home half the beach here. She loves those things. Had to talk her into just the one for now." I grin, remembering her exuberance running up and down the shore. "We'll be finding them in her pockets and all over the house, I'm sure."

"It's okay." I look down where we're walking and there's a piece of one there. Mottled in shades of brown and cream...some would pass it by because it's not whole, but the part of it there is absolutely beautiful, sparkling, polished by the sea. Kind of like Lissy when she was struggling. She wasn't complete then either, but I could see the beauty that remained. The strong part that weathered all the storms to emerge all shiny and lovely. Hell, I hate waxing poetic and all that shit, but it's the damn truth. I pick it up and hand it to her without a word. She looks like I've just handed her a diamond. "It's beautiful." She doesn't see the flaws and imperfections either, just treasures it for what it is. Maybe she sees the symbolism in it, maybe not. I think she does. "Thank you."

"Know what, Liss? I'm happy right now." 

That's what Lily said right after Tyler was born, when she got to hold him for the first time and we were experiencing our first few moments as a new family of four. I know Lissy remembers this because her sweet smile gets even brighter. "Me, too."

"Yeah?"

She nods and I kiss the top of her head. "I'm going to be all right." 

"You ARE all right now, baby, I can feel it. We're all there now. Feels good, doesn't it?"

"Yes." We've stopped now and she digs her toes into the warm sand. Looks at me, her head slightly tilted, that soft tiny smile playing around her lips, and I ask, "What?"

"I'm just thinking how much I love you."

"I love you too, angel." The breeze blows a silky strand of her hair around her face, against her mouth. She reaches up to brush it back, but before she can, I do it for her, and then we're kissing there as the tide comes in, just enough to cover our feet. After all this time, being together, having two children with one another, etc., you'd think I'd know all there is to know about her. But I don't. She fascinates me, amuses me, turns me on...every day is a revelation about her, and us. She always says that life with me is a great adventure; well, life with Liss is an amazing wonder. She's completely changed my life, and I'm always gonna be grateful for the gifts she's given me. Forever. Always.

We walk along, right at the edge where the ocean comes swirling in, letting it wash over us up to the ankles, and then when we're nearly out of sight of the house, we turn and make our way slowly back. We don't talk much but there's no need to. Everything's right and comfortable and we're both in tune with each other anyhow.

When we get in the house both children are playing on the floor. Lissy immediately scoops Tyler up and holds him on her lap; he plays with her long, dark hair the way Lily used to when she was that age. Lil runs up. "Did Daddy find you a she-shell, Mommy?"

"Yes...here, look." Liss hasn't let go of it since I gave it to her. She holds it out for Lily to examine. I'm wondering if she'll comment that it's broken, that there's a piece missing, but her eyes are wide and bright as she gazes at it on her Mum's palm. "Ohh...it's the best one, Mama." She sighs. "It's just right."

I wonder if she doesn't understand the meaning of it, too. Like Lissy, I think she does. 

Lissy

When Russell gave me the shell on the beach, I understood immediately what he was trying to tell me. That it was all right not to be perfect, that even though I'd been suffering, lost in my own crazy, lonely, mixed up world of depression, he still loved me and thought me beautiful. In his eyes, even then, I was what he cherished, what he found dear and precious, and I always would be. He saw past the damaged parts, the rough, jagged, broken edges of me and into my heart. That's what the shell represented. Sometimes still, he finds it hard to put into words what he feels, but that's okay, because I definitely always know what's in his heart, anyhow. As he does me. I could see that he knew I realized what he wanted to say with that simple gesture of giving me the piece of shell and how much it truly meant to me.

And Lily, too. She's always been exceptionally perceptive, and even though she's not yet quite three, when I showed her, somehow, with her child's understanding, she made no remark that it wasn't whole either. She just saw the beauty of the piece that remained, which was how she and the baby were when I was sick, too. I know that she wished back then I was as I used to be, but even when I wasn't, she was accepting of me anyhow. Tyler, as well. Now that I feel that I'm fully recovered and back in one piece, I feel their love more strongly than ever. And it means more to me than I can easily express.

Later that night we're in bed, spooned together as always, and I'm dozing when he nuzzles my neck, and then suddenly, he's got the hem of my thin cotton nightshirt in his fists and he's slowly drawing it up my body. With a start, I realize he's naked already behind me; I can feel the hard solid length of him against me. Even as I obediently shift and raise my arms up so he can take it off of me, I whisper, "And what do you think you're doing?"

I don't have to be looking at him to immediately sense his grin. He kisses my bare shoulder as his big hands make short work of my panties and he whispers back, "Christening the bed."

"Oh." Primly I tell him, "I'm sure it's already been properly christened, over and over. "

"But not by us." 

"Oh...I see." I'm glad our two little ones sleep soundly throughout the night. I've finally fully weaned Tyler; my body belongs completely to me once more...and to him as well, more so to him right now as he covers both breasts, his fingers gently rubbing and stroking. "Mine," he murmurs possessively and I have to laugh softly. "That's what your son's been thinking for the last several months."

"I was here first."

"You two are going to be fun to deal with later on, I can see. You're both so much alike." I smile at him as he turns me onto my back and he comes over the top of me. It's bright out tonight---the moon is impossibly big and round so we can see each other quite clearly---but he still turns the lamplight on low. "You're so beautiful, Liss."

"I finally FEEL beautiful," I have to confess. He shakes his head. "Always been that way to me, sweetheart. Always." 

The seashell he gave me is lying on the table at our bedside. I reach for it; hold it up between us so we can both look at it. With the light shining through it there's a whole other dimension to it; it shimmers, almost like polished glass.

"You know what it means," Russ says quietly. It's a statement, not a question.

"Yes." There's a moment of reflective silence as we just look at one another. Our gazes catch and hold...we're so still that we can hear the tide outside coming onto the beach, over and over. Like the waves, in this brief span of time, while we're simply looking into each other's eyes, every moment of our life together from the time we first met comes rushing through me, rapid, quicksilver, like a film in fast-forward. All of the good, even all of the bad. They've shaped who we are and what we are as a couple, and they've all brought us to this moment, right here and now. And I realize I wouldn't really want to change a single second of it, if the result is the connectivity we have now with each other.

I slowly put the shell back carefully on the table and then we're reaching, holding, wrapping ourselves around the other. Touching, kissing...there aren't words enough to communicate exactly how either of us feel so we speak through our hands and mouths and bodies. It's basic in nature but complex in emotion. And it's so perfectly us. 

Russell

Wish I could describe that night between us, but I just can't. It's none of your damn business anyway! But, it was good, oh-so-good, between us. Always is but this time, it was magical, of a sort.

She understood what the seashell stood for. I knew she would. And then, when we looked at each other, we were on the same wavelength about everything---I mean, everything---and it was the most awesome and yet, very humbling thing you could imagine. We were in sync, perfect harmony...like I said, it's not like we weren't before but this was some whole other level beyond our dreams.

Our days are filled with nothing more complicated than being a family, enjoying ourselves and the kids. These two are incredible, Lil and Tyler...I look at 'em on a daily basis and am in awe of the fact that they're ours, mine and Lissy's. They're growing like crazy and I see so much of both of us within them. It's truly wondrous.

Lissy

Lily and Tyler are two wonderful, remarkable children. We've now been here for a couple of weeks, and they're both thriving in the warm, tropical air, tan and healthy and incredibly happy. So are Russ and I. This was the best possible thing we could have done, come here and leave all our troubles and cares far behind us.

Russ and I have most certainly renewed our passion for each other; it's not as if it had ever really left but it's been kind of relegated to the background of our lives; first with my pregnancy with Tyler and then all the other of it, my striving to get better. It truly began to blossom once again that afternoon when we rode the horses out to the pond back home; and has been steadily growing stronger ever since. We've taken advantage of our solitude here; we've had Leilani or Melina watch Lily and Tyler and spent plenty of time alone together during the day; our nights are private and intimately special and we relish that too. Luckily the children don't seem to mind.

It's not that we don't spend a great deal of wonderful time together as a family. Today is just one such day; we've alternated between relaxing on the sand and wading at the ocean's edge with one, the other, or both children. Russ and Lily have begun construction of a mammoth, skillfully designed sandcastle; and the two of us have taken turns helping Lil amass a collection of all the prettiest 'she-shells' we can find.

Now we're all out in the ocean, the four of us. Russell's holding Tyler in one arm and then Lil's between us, a small hand in each of ours. As the waves come in, we pull her up and help her 'jump' them. Her little, pretty face is a picture of concentration as she tries to gauge just the right moment to do so and we try to lift her up in time. Every so often we don't do it on purpose and then the water breaks around her; she laughs, breathless with excitement, and Tyler's giggly, too, watching her. He wants so much to get down there with her as he bounces in Russ' embrace watching his sister.

Finally I take him and go back onshore just a bit, so the water's not as high, the current not too strong, and let him do the same thing. I've got him beneath his arms, dangling his chubby feet in the waves. I'll lift him up and over as they come breaking in and then as the water goes back out again, set him low enough so it rushes around his legs. He's shrieking now with glee, kicking and wriggling, and it's all I can do to hold onto him, he's that happy. Russell just watches the two of us playing and I love the look of utter peace on his handsome face.

We've played in the ocean for so long that the hem of my sundress is now quite sodden and clinging to my legs, and Tyler is starting to get a bit tired so we end back up on the blanket beneath our beach umbrella. Russ is already lying there keeping an eye on Lily, who's back to beachcombing once more, choosing which shells she wants to keep and laying them carefully in her plastic bucket. It's not long before Tyler goes to sleep and I make sure he's out of the sun and comfortable before snuggling close to my husband and we lie there watching our daughter together.

"Only go as far as that big rock, baby," he calls to her, reminding her, and she looks up, waving at us. "Okay, Daddy." Shaking his head with amusement, he tells me, "I'm surprised there's anything left to gather up, frankly."

"Me, too." I have to smile watching Lil. She'll pick one up from the sand, hold it this way and then that, turning it in the sunlight and examining it like a miniature scientist. After it meets her quality inspection test, it finds just that perfect place among all the others in her little red pail. There aren't any that she actually puts back, but each new one gets the same treatment. She's so adorable.

I stop watching her long enough to look at Russell and find that he's been watching me. Reaching out, I brush his hair back, my fingers lingering against his face, and he surprises me by saying, "Marry me, Lissy."

I blink, a bit startled, and then tease, "I thought we'd already done that." 

His expression is quite serious, although very tender and warm as he says, "Yeah, we did. I mean, marry me all over again. Here."

"Now?" He chuckles. "Not right this moment, no...Maybe this weekend? Here, on the beach. I asked Melina about it...she knows a priest on the big island...I've already called him and he can fly in and do it. We'll have the kids here this time and it will be really special."

I can't help but laugh. "I love when you bring up an idea for me to ponder but you've already made all of the arrangements." 

"Hey, at least I didn't pick a dress out for you yet." He takes my hand in his and kisses my fingers, one by one. "Something simple...just us, in front of our kids...maybe at sunset or something. Lily can be your flower girl and you know how much she'd love that."

I love this idea, too, so much. To reaffirm all the promises we've made to each other, to seal our love for one another once more...I can't resist, nor would I want to. So I lower my face to his and kiss him sweetly, lingering, gentle. "Yes."

"Yes?"

"Yes...I'll marry you, Russ. Yes, yes, yes, yes..."

We're laughing then and rolling together on the blanket, trying hard not to disrupt Tyler's nap and get too carried away. 

Later that night, when the four of us are on our big bed together---for this is something we've always enjoyed as a family and it gives the kids some time to relax and wind down before we put them to bed---we tell Lily our plans to renew our wedding vows.

Her face is a comical mixture of interest and slight perplexity. "But you already married."

"Sometimes," Russ explains to her, "people just want to get married all over again. Your Mum and I had a very nice one last time round...but this time, it will be even more special because both of you are here to watch it."

"Lil...sometimes people just do this again so they can always remember how much they love each other and that they promise to take care of each other," I add. "'Cause I was so sad and so sick before...we want to do that now that we're happy. And Daddy's right...the special part is that this time we have you and Tyler and we'll promise to both of you that we love you and will take care of you always, too."

"Besides which," Russell tells her, "You and Mum are going to go shopping and pick out something nice for both of you to wear." Lily's eyes light up. She's definitely my daughter because even at her tender age, she adores shopping. "A princess dress?" she asks, eagerly.

"We'll see what we can find for you, muffin," I assure her. "And we'll have flowers...it'll be pretty, Lily, and you'll love it." 

"Okay!" Of course, we knew she'd be excited for it. She looks at the baby, who's sitting between us chewing on the ear of his stuffed dog. "What will Tyler wear?"

"We'll find him something nice, too," I promise. "Him and Daddy both." 

"He can't have flowers, though, 'cause he'll eat 'em," Lil advises solemnly, ever the practical big sister. We all three look at him gumming the hell out of the hapless puppy's ear and he stops long enough to grin one of his big, sloppy, drooly grins at us, which makes us laugh.

"No flowers for Tyler," Daddy reassures, and then he's mock attacking Lil, tickling her and making her giggle wildly. Tyler joins in, his poor munched-on stuffed toy quickly forgotten, and then Russ is tickling him, too, as he chortles with joy. Then he switches tactics from tickles to hugs and kisses and suddenly involves me in it too, until I'm breathless and begging for mercy. The kids watch us with unbounded enthusiasm...I really think the happier they see the two of us, it feeds their own delight...and then of course, when the kids are both happy, it feeds our contentment. It's an endless circle and it could truly sustain us forever.

Russell

I first got the idea for Liss and me to get married all over again the first night we spent here, when I'd given her that seashell and we made love. The whole idea of this holiday was to rest and to renew our spirits after all that other shit we'd gone through before; why not renew our vows to one another as well? And in front of the kids, I can think of no better way to do it. Simple, quiet, just us...perfect. Our first one was basically like that, just us and our loved ones, fairly low-key, romantic as hell...it was the frenzy after the news broke thereafter that kinda killed off the peace of it. But she's always adjusted to that part of my life. If not with great zeal and enthusiasm at least by supporting me, and with her love, I feel like I can do absolutely anything I set my mind to. This time out it'll be absolutely private and I love the idea that our little ones can take part. Besides, it's as Liss told Lily---by us renewing our vows we made to one another, it's as if we're making them to the kids, too---that we'll always be together, work things out, dedicated to each other and to them.

Tomorrow, she and Lily and, I believe, Leilani are all taking the private plane to the larger island to shop for her wedding dress. We've decided to make it dressed-up, yet casual...all of us barefoot on the beach. But she wants something pretty and besides, she promised Lily a new fancy dress, too. Today, however, she's all mine. The kids are both napping, Melina's promised to keep an eye on them, and we've snuck off to be alone together, in a small private place I found out of the way for the two of us. It's a short walk away from the house, and as we go there--- Lissy, as usual, asking her curious questions about where we're headed and all that--- I'm glad that for at least a little while longer, this island's all ours and we can do anything we want here without worries.

I have to grin when I see how mental my not telling anything makes Liss. One of the things I love most to do is surprise her. And, while I know she loves it, I also know it sometimes makes her nuts. Right now she's looking a lot like Lil gets when you do the same thing to her, that blend of impatience, exasperation and yet, at the same time, affection.

"You drive me crazy, sweetheart," she tells me, and then, as we arrive at our destination, she sighs with delight. "Crazy in a good way," she amends. 

It's a small shady clearing amid tropical foliage where there's a stretch of grass, and then, between two particularly large trees, there's a hammock, complete with pillows. Ed's the one who actually told me about it, said I might want to bring Liss here. I suppose it's no big secret to them how very much we love each other, what we do on our time away from the kids. They've thought of everything on this island, I tell ya. Hell with having a second wedding...I already feel we're having another honeymoon. I look at her and smile even more when I see how alight her face is. "It's so beautiful here."

"Yeah..." I lean over and kiss her briefly. "It is." 

She elbows me in the side but I can clearly see the excited sparkle in her expression. "The scenery, silly."

When I just keep looking at her and say "Yeah," again, she shakes her head, but I can see her pleased, mischievous look. Tugging her hand, I lead her over to the hammock. "Climb on in, baby."

"We won't both fit." She looks doubtful. "Will it hold both of us?"

"Sure it will." Although I certainly hope I'm right. I get in first and then, after a tiny bit of shifting and squirming, Liss joins me, as it sways gently and then stills. "See?" I have to say, I rather like this. By necessity, she's lying half-against, half-on me, and don't I know where this is probably gonna lead.

"Smarty." But she relaxes into me as I hold her close. We lie there for awhile in quiet, peaceable silence, and then I ask, "Happy, sweetheart?"

Lissy nods and looks at me with those pretty dark eyes of hers. "We've been through a lot." It's merely an observation; she doesn't say it with bitterness. Honest to God, what we've gone through in the last few years probably would have destroyed some people, killed some marriages. But I think it says a lot for us that we've managed to make it. That's why now, with the prospect of marrying each other all over again, it's that much sweeter.

"Yeah, we have. But we're doing fine, aren't we, love?" I tell her truthfully, "I don't know where I'd be or what I'd be without you, Liss." 

She smiles although I can see tears shimmering in her eyes. "Well, we wouldn't be here, that's for sure." 

I have to grin and then I kiss her, very softly. "No, we wouldn't." 

"Too bad for us," Liss says, and then she surprises me as I feel her hand against my groin, boldly stroking. "Because we wouldn't be here doing this," and she unzips my shorts, her small delicate fingers caressing my cock. My eyes fly open and I look at her. One thing I've always loved about Liss---even when she's doing something completely sexual, she's still got this sort of shy, sweet innocence about her that absolutely fucking turns me on. Even after all this time. It's not that she IS shy, or innocent, God forbid---but it's this kind of aura she carries about her. How she manages to appear completely angelic and yet, totally seductive at the same time, I don't know. Right now, her dark eyes are soft and tender but she's got a spark in them I instantly recognize. "Mmmfpt," I manage to get out in response, or something similar, and she smiles. "You like that?"

"You're a little tease, that's what you are." Hell yeah, I like that. She scoots so she's more fully on top of me as the hammock sways gently with her movement. The whole time her hand's gliding slowly along me. Don't know how much more of this I'm gonna be able to take, but I'm intrigued to see where it's all going from here. "I'm not a tease if I'm gonna give you what you want," she protests, kissing me and looking down at me with that same wide-eyed sweetness. She's got on one of those gauzy, floaty sundresses that she's been favouring since we got here; you know, the ones that make me crazy because I know she's either only got on her swimsuit or she's practically naked underneath. I slip my hands under her full skirt and find out it's the latter. She's only got a pair of knickers on, which with a bit of manipulation and wiggling I manage to get off of her in record time.

"Then you're a hussy." The hammock is swaying a bit crazily now as she settles in over the top of me, not quite taking me in yet, just letting me feel her, all velvety wet and warm. "Whatcha gonna do about it?" she asks, light and heat fairly dancing in her expression now. In response, I unbutton her bodice...she's already undone most of the buttons on my shirt...letting her full breasts brush bare against my chest. Her body's more lush and womanly now that she's had two kids---still slender and small, but curvier, much to my everlasting delight.

"Nothing," I tell her, kissing the tip of her pert little nose. "I'm hoping you'll do something about it, though." 

"Mmm." Her hand comes up and strokes my cheek and I can see all her love shining in her face. "Like this?" She slips down and takes me fully inside of her, nice and easy, and we both sigh with the feel of it.

"Yeah, just like that, baby." There's no urgency now, as she merely lies atop me, and I hold her, me deep within her and she so snug and hot around me. If you were to look at us you probably couldn't even tell what we were doing; Lissy's skirt covers us, her breasts are nestled against my chest and you can't see a thing; but I reckon the supremely blissful expressions on both of our faces would give us away. I undo the big clip she's pulled her hair up with and run my hands through her hair. Always have loved playing with Lissy's hair; just like the kids do. She cut it short once, when we separated, wanting a change, but she grew it back out and now it's long again, almost down to the middle of her back, silky soft and beautiful. 

"I love the feel of you inside of me," she whispers, and as always, when she says stuff like that, I'm struck and touched by her simple honesty. 

"I love the feel of you when I'm inside of you," I tell her. "I love you." 

"I love you, too." She kisses me again, then rests her head against my shoulder, until I whisper back, "Liss?"

"Umm?"

"Want to move now?"

She laughs then, the sound pure music to my ears. "I suppose." When she moves, experimentally, the whole lot of us tips slightly drunkenly to one side and I have to warn, "Christ, Liss, if we fall out of this thing..." But we're both laughing and it feels good to have that carefree feeling between us once more. Soon, she's finding a very pleasant, slow rhythm, lazy and peaceful, like this perfect summer day, and it's good. So good. When we're finished, we go back to lying still as we were before, holding each other for awhile, until we decide we had better try to tidy ourselves up and go back to see what the kids have been up to in our absence.

Lissy giggles again as I hand her the underwear I'd kept stashed in my shirt pocket and we work at redoing zippers and buttons. We feel like two kids ourselves, sneaking off to have a bit of naughty fun. "Well, that was a new experience."

I smile at her and she looks at me. "Don't tell me that wasn't new for you." One thing about us is, we both came to each other with pasts; but we've never cared about that. Well, maybe just a bit. I used to sorta regret that I wasn't her first lover; until I came to the realization that I'd definitely be her last. "No, that was definitely a first for me, too," I have to tell her. 

"The things you come up with, Crowe," she says, looking every inch the good, practical-minded Mum now, shaking her head, but I catch her wink and make her squeal when I swat her and then kiss her quite soundly. "Who was the one putting her hand down my pants?" I have to ask her.

"But you rather liked it, didn't you?" She's darted ahead of me on the beach, the house nearly in sight now. I trot to catch up with her and take her hand. "Yeah. I did."

And she has that smug look of satisfaction as we get back to the house. 

When we get there, Leilani's watching the children, who obviously got presents from her. Tyler's sitting on the floor playing with a new set of soft blocks, and Lily...well, she's got a miniature grass skirt on over her swimsuit with shell bracelets on her wrist and ankle. "Look what Lani got me," she says, because she has a hard time with her full name.

"You look like a Hawaiian princess, Lil," Lissy tells her, which makes her proud. "Lani taught me to do the Lula dance," she explains. 

"That's 'hula', Liliana Banana," I gently correct her. "Why don't you put on a show for Mum and me?"

And as we settle in, dividing our attention equally between the tiny dancer and our budding architect stacking up his blocks, I can tell how content we both are. Not just as lovers, but as parents...and as human beings...and after all the storms we've gone through together, I can't tell you how good that feels.

Lissy

The wedding is in just a few days: today is Wednesday and we're having it Saturday evening. We left Tyler with his dad today and Leilani and I flew in to the big island with Lily to go shopping. A girl could get used to all this pampering...tropical paradise, private plane...Leilani's older brother Tom is the pilot and also the driver...we got off the plane to our own car to take us wherever we want to go.

Our wedding is just going to be Russ, the children and I...not even Ed or Melina will be there; we invited them but they wanted it to be special and private and just our family. Melina took care of all of the flowers as a gift from them to us, though, and is going to make us a wonderful dinner to enjoy afterwards, and then as another gift she and Ed are taking Tyler and Lily to stay with them at their house overnight while Russ and I enjoy a second honeymoon. Although, I must say, this entire vacation has been like a second honeymoon for the both of us. But I brought Leilani along today because I trust her to know the best places to shop and Lily thinks of her as a big sister to look up to. She's the same way with our niece Chelsea back home.

As luck would have it, the very first store we go to in the mall has the perfect dress; I know it the moment I see it, and it's confirmed as soon as I try it on. It's elegant yet casual enough to go barefoot on the beach in to marry Russell all over again. It's a simple sleeveless sheath dress in white silk, with a sheer chiffon overlay embroidered tonally on the bodice and around the hem, which hits just above my ankle, with a slit in the back for walking, and it won't drag in the sand. It has a scooping neck and a dipping, low back, gently skimming the curves of my body without being tight and as I come out to model it for the girls, Lily claps her hands with delight. "You're so pretty, Mama."

"Do you think Daddy will like it, Lil?" 

"He'll say you're so pretty, too. Won't he, Lani?"

Leilani's not a typical teen---she's soft-spoken, quiet and almost shy---but even her expression is one of excitement. "He'll think you're so beautiful."

So we get that, and then we find crisp white shirts and khakis for Russ and Tyler, although the baby will be in shorts and short sleeves while Daddy is a little bit more formal---long pants and a dress shirt for him---and then go in search of a dress for Lily, my flower girl and bridesmaid all in one. We've told her what the wedding will be like, how it will be just the four of us on the beach, and that we want something nice but not too frilly for her. She's a tomboy of sorts but also likes to get all prettied up. We find her a cute sundress in a tropical floral print, white flowers on a pink background, and she loves it. Both Leilani and I swear her to secrecy not to tell Russ a single detail, and she promises not to. I remember when we made her promise to keep my pregnancy with Tyler a secret, and how very good she was about that.

We take all of our packages out to the car, and then decide to wander some more and have some lunch. The three of us eat and then Leilani asks if we can go into the huge nearby book/CD/movie store so she can buy a CD she's been wanting.

Lily and I go browsing for a bit, I pick her and Tyler up a couple of children's books, and then we go find Lani in the music section but we aren't prepared for what happens next. Pretty much anywhere but in Australia if I'm not with Russ I can go about my business without being recognized. Of course, once he's with me, it draws immediate attention. That's not to say that occasionally, by myself, one of his fans won't notice me and come up to talk to me. We haven't gone completely berserk trying to shield the kids from Russell's celebrity but we haven't flaunted it in front of them, either. Consequently, Lily, at least, understands that Daddy's job is making music and movies, but since he doesn't make any films that she can yet see, and she hasn't really been exposed to much of the band's activities, either, it's kind of gone over her head. Until now.

Right on her eye level, in the 'T' section, they have TOFOG CDs and there in front is the American version of Other Ways of Speaking, the one Russ has always disliked because they put his face on the cover. Normally, I'd be quite proud to see his passion, his baby, the band, in a store in Hawaii, of all places, but Lily grabs it out of the bin and says, very excitedly, her sweet child's voice seeming to carry to all reaches of the store, "Look!!! That's my Daddy!"

Nearby people look to see what she's talking about; I don't want to make her feel bad but I don't want to draw unnecessary, unwanted attention to us either, so I say, quietly, "Yes, that is, isn't it, muffin?"

"Look, Lani! Daddy's on a CD!" 

Very gently, I tell her, "Lani sees, too. Now, let's put it back and go get your stuff so we can head home, okay, Lil?"

"Can we get it?" Thankfully, her voice has gotten a little less loud. Then, "Why is Daddy on the CD, Mommy?"

"We don't need to get it today, pumpkin, because we have one, at home. Daddy's on there because that's when he sings, with the band, you know how sometimes he does that? We watched him before, remember?"

"Maybe Lani wants to get one." 

"Your Dad gave me one, Lily." Lani is trying to help, too. It took her a bit of time to relax around Russ, because Melina explained she was a fan and when we arrived she was a bit in awe of him. "Come help me buy my stuff, okay?"

"Okay." Lily puts the CD back but I suspect we're going to have to have a small talk to her about it once we get home. We had tried a bit before, but she didn't seem to care and so we didn't really pursue it very far. Now it seems we might have to go a little more in depth with that.  As she takes Lani's hand and starts heading to the checkout, an older lady who thankfully only heard her opening statement asks her, "Is your Daddy famous, dear?"

I'm about to intervene when she says, very matter-of-factly, "No. He's just my Daddy." 

And really, that's as it should be. 

When we get back, she's full of excited talk about the shopping trip and then she surprises Russell by stating, "You were on a CD at the store today, Daddy."

I haven't had a chance to speak to him alone about it so I now briefly explain what happened. 

"No one bothered you?" He's concerned, because first off, we didn't bring Mark or David, which would definitely have gotten more attention anyhow, and secondly, no one is supposed to know we're here, and hopefully, they still don't.

"No." We gaze at each other, trying to decide where to go with it from here. 

"A lady asked if Daddy was fame-muss." Lily looks quizzical. "What's that mean?"

"Well..." I sigh, looking at Russell for encouragement as I explain, "Daddy IS famous, because he makes movies. Remember how we go to the set and watch him do that? People all over like to go watch his movies and they like to listen to his music. That's why, sometimes, people that you don't know come up and want to talk to him. Because he does good work and they like what he does." Russ rolls his eyes, just a bit, as if to say, "Oh, please spare me," but I gently slug him in the thigh and he smiles at me, letting me know I'm handling this all right so far.

"I said he's just Daddy," Lily says. His grin gets very big at this. 

"Yep, that's right. I'm just your Daddy." He picks her up and hugs her. "But maybe someday I'll be famous for being your Daddy, won't that be good? Maybe you'll be famous for being a dancer or a princess or something like that."

"I think," I tell her, smiling at the both of them, "that he's prouder to be you and Tyler's Daddy than ever being famous. He'd rather be your Daddy than be a big movie star like Mickey Mouse, you know."

Once again with practicality Lily says, "He's not a big movie star like Mickey Mouse. Mickey Mouse is REALLY fame-muss."  

This makes us both laugh as we hug and kiss her and I tell her, "Of course, he's not a big movie star like Mickey Mouse. Good grief, Lil." I wink at him as I add, "Daddy could NEVER get that famous, ever."

In my ear, Russ murmurs, "Maybe they'll build me a theme park in Sydney some day."

I elbow him in the side but I can see how pleased he is at his daughter's reaction to all of this. 

Russell

I can't tell ya how glad I am to hear Lil say what she did, that she thinks of me just as her dad. We always wondered and worried over what she'd make of all the insanity that makes up that facet of my life when she got old enough to figure things out; should have known that with her, she'd look at it all from a totally typical Liliana Crowe point of view: complete apathy for the entire lot of it.  Now, if I ever made a movie where I got to act with Mickey Mouse, THEN I'd earn her respect.

Seriously, though, I'm happy to see that me and Liss are truly raising them right; that they have a sense of who they are and their own place in the world without being overshadowed by either of us. That's all I've ever hoped for; I don't want either of them thinking they have to live up to any ridiculous standards that society would place on them just for the misfortune of having me as their father. Want 'em to be their own little people with their own dreams and their own lives.

That night, when the two of us are alone in bed, I tell Lissy all of this and she listens with understanding. I've always tried, so very hard, to keep things normal and right for us. Even more so now that we have kids. And it's good to know that it's worked to the point that our daughter is completely unaware of that side of me, but simply loves me for what I mean to her. Of course Tyler too; but he's still so little that he wouldn't notice that part anyhow.

"She was so proud of you today," Liss tells me. "You should have seen her when she saw that photo there, of you. And the only thing she was excited about was that it was her Dad." She adds, "I didn't know quite what to do, however."

"You handled it just fine, sweetheart," I tell her. "Didn't make a big deal of it either way---cause it's not, you know." 

"Not to you." But she knows exactly how I feel about it. "It IS a big deal though, whether you like it or not." She hugs me. "You know what I liked best about it? The fact that that look, on Lil's face, was the same way she looks at you every single day. Just because you're her dad."

I kiss her and she settles against me with a tired, satisfied sigh. We're both drifting off when I can't resist teasing, "You think they really WILL build me my own theme park in Sydney someday? Because I'm so famous and all."

She laughs and shoves at me. "Get over yourself, will ya?"

That's what I love about Lissy. She looks at me the same way every single day, too. Just because I'm me. 

Lissy

The day of the wedding dawns bright and perfect, sunny and clear. It's much like my first one to my husband in that I'm not anxious, nervous or having second thoughts...obviously, because this time out, I'm already wed to him anyhow, but the day of my real first wedding to Russ I was relaxed and confident as well, probably because I knew in my heart that it was right. I think he was more nervous than I was. This second time around, it's Lily who's the excited one; she wants it to happen NOW, rather than wait for the time in the evening we selected. We both explain to her that most of the day will be spent like any other. She looks us in the eyes and says, "It's a special day." And it is, because of her and Tyler and what this means to the two of us. We can't deny that. She tries to contain herself but she's so bouncy and joyous; and she passes that on to her baby brother.

In the afternoon Ed asks if she wants to go fly to the big island with him to pick up the priest who's coming in to perform the ceremony, and the flowers. After he's convinced us our hyper child won't be a problem, we let her go. I look at Tyler, who's happy on the floor surrounded by his toys and I feel the need to spend some time with him so I scoop him up in my arms.

"We'll be back," I tell Russ, and I can see his understanding as he kisses both of us and tells us he'll be waiting. 

Ever since those frightening first early weeks of his life, when I started to feel so despairing and blue, I've still felt residual feelings of guilt that I never gave of myself to my son as I did so freely to Lily. I understand that this truly wasn't my fault; and Russell's told me over and over that I never neglected either child; that I gave the best that I could to both of them throughout all of that horrible struggle; but I need now to let Tyler know that I love him. I want to spend time with him, just him, while we have the opportunity.

I know the perfect place to take him---the clearing where Russell brought me, where there's the hammock and we made love---and I hold him close to me as I walk, pointing out all the various things, the water, the sand, the trees and flowers. Tyler's trying so hard to both walk and talk; he points to things and babbles, copying me, and it makes me smile to see how carefree and content he is to be with me right now. He's got his ever near, faithful companion, his stuffed puppy, in his arms and he's in mine, and that's all it takes for him to be happy.

When we reach the clearing, I settle into the hammock, with my son next to me, propped up against the pillows, and rock ever so softly. He's looking around him with wonder. I stroke his hair and just watch him. He's so beautiful. Of course, as his mommy, I'm prejudiced but he truly is a gorgeous child. So much like his dad. His hair's a bit darker than Russell's; and because of my dark brown eyes he doesn't quite have the same blue-green intense ones like him, either, but they're this fascinating hazel color that seems to change with the light. His features are Russell's, right down to the tiny dimple in his chin. As I cuddle him close to me, I can smell that wonderful scent of his, like baby powder and warm sunshine, and he smiles at me, showing the few teeth he's acquired, reaching up to pat my cheek.

"Tyler..." there's so much I want to tell my child, even though he won't really understand. But it's just the two of us, and it feels good to let all of what I'm feeling out, regardless. "I'm sorry...that early on, I was sick, and I wasn't able to take good care of you, like I should...you've hardly ever known me any other way, and I feel so bad about that. I love you, so much. I want you to know that. And I'm going to try...I'm going to try, so hard, to be the best Mommy that I can be to you. You and Lily both. All right?"

He had been busy playing with his toy but as I speak to him, he stops what he's doing and just quietly looks at me. Looking concerned as I swipe at a tear or two, when I smile at him once more, he realizes everything's all right and says, "Mama."

"That's right, sweetie, I'm going to be as good a mama as I can." I lift him against me again and hug him as he snuggles into me---both of our children are very affectionate---and I kiss him, as he pats me again. Then I'm lifting him up, high above my head, as I get out of the hammock and twirl with him on the grass. He giggles at this and I feel blessed that he's always accepted me with such joy and love. The two of us end up there, Tyler sitting and playing with his dog while I lie on my stomach and talk to him...telling him all sorts of things, the kind of person I hope he turns out to be, the life his Daddy and I want to give him, my dreams for him, how much I love him...and then I'm playing with him again, tickling his bare toes and blowing raspberries on his little round belly. When he looks off to the side and says, "Dada," I'm startled to see Russ simply standing there at the edge of the clearing. I don't know how long he's been there, but our gazes meet and hold and I know that he knows what this meant to me, to have this time with Tyler to renew what I feel for him, too. Lily as well, but for her, this was only such a minute bit for her to go through. Most of her young life I wasn't sad and lonely. That was all Tyler knew, until recently, and I feel the need to make up for all of that now. We have a lifetime, though, and I'm ready for it.

"I didn't want to disturb you." He walks across the grass as I sit up and Tyler begins crawling to him. He picks him up and then comes to sit beside me, one big hand stroking up and down my back. "You okay?"

"We're fine. Aren't we, peanut?" I smile at Tyler, who leans out of Russell's arms to get back to me. I give him a kiss as he contentedly nestles in my arms. "And you're not disturbing us," I tell my husband, as I kiss him, too.

"Well, came to get you 'cause Lily's back, and the flowers are here; the priest wants to talk to us before the ceremony, and we've got a lot of stuff yet to do." We really don't, in comparison to the first wedding we had, but Russ looks nearly as excited as Lily now and I can't help but laugh. It's a big day for us all.

So I let him help me up and then we head back to the house, Tyler at first riding on his daddy's shoulders, hanging on by clutching fistfuls of his hair, and then he wants me again so I hold him. By the time we reach the house, the baby's asleep; but there's ample time for him to have his nap before the wedding. Tyler can't yet talk but I feel that we've reached a level of understanding, the two of us; and everything is honestly all right once more. And the ceremony we're about to have will cement that for the four of us, for the rest of our lives, together.

Russell

I hated to intrude upon Liss and Tyler, especially when I saw the two of 'em there on the grass in the clearing. 

I know why Lissy wanted some time alone with the baby. She's still felt a bit guilty over the time she was sick; felt, despite all I've told her, that she hasn't been a proper mum to our kids. But, really, only I've ever been the one to see all of her struggles she's had over these last few months. The times she's cried, the times she's had to go be alone for a bit because things have become too much for her to bear. Through it all she's still been there for the children; and they've never realized the difficulties she's had. She's tried, so hard, to make things up to them since. More so with Tyler than Lily, because he's so small, and for most of his life thus far he's only known a hurting, sad Mummy.

But today, I watched them for just a bit, before making my presence known, and the love Liss was showing him was enough to take my breath away. Would be almost jealous if I wasn't the recipient of plenty of that love myself, every single day. When we walked back to the house, she took the baby from me, and he slept in her arms, and I truly felt everything was finally right between all of us. I've pretty much felt that way for a couple of months now, but it was great to know that for sure, if you understand what I mean. In a few hours, the wedding will renew everything for us and for the kids.

I told her once, when we split and then reconciled, that we could always start over, as many times as we needed.  But really, this isn't going to be a new beginning as much as simply an affirmation of our life we've made with one another. Me and Lissy and Lily and Tyler.

Lissy

When we get back to the house, Lily's bursting with excitement and we have to shush her before she wakes her brother up. I put Tyler down to continue his nap, telling Russ he'll be able to sleep for awhile before the ceremony, and then we meet the priest who will marry us all over again.

Father Ohara is very kind, soft-spoken, a native Hawaiian who is actually, we find out, a cousin of Ed's. Melina occupies Lily with helping her in the kitchen while we talk to him, as he wants to find out more about us before he performs the wedding ceremony. He talks about love and fidelity, about weathering difficulties in life with one another, and trust me, Russell and I know all about that. For, as Father puts it, although we're already married, this will help us, as we explained to Lily, remember the promises that we first made to each other a few years ago.  The two of us have written our own vows for this simple little wedding. Supposedly, at least. I've jotted down a few things that I don't want to forget to tell my husband, but for the most part, when the time comes, I plan to just speak to him directly from my heart and soul.

Finally, the baby wakes from napping, fresh and energetic, and it's time to start getting ready. To save time, Russell and I take both kids into the bathroom and give them a bath together, which is always a fun adventure, as the two of them love this, love to play and splash and generally make a huge wet mess as we try to get them clean. This time, however, we remind Lil that we need to get going and it's actually pretty straightforward and subdued. Then, bundling both of them in fluffy towels, Russ takes Tyler and goes to the children's room while I keep Lily with me. We're each going to get a kid ready, and true to tradition---as if we've ever been really traditional around here---not see each other again until the wedding. Besides, there's another full bathroom adjoining Lil and Tyler's room, so Russell will be able to get ready, too.

I've decided to get Lily ready first so I won't have to try to fully dressed and made up. Drying her off, I let her use some of my special purple lotion and powder, which Russ loves, I can tell you from experience, and I can see that she's feeling incredibly grown up. Then I get her dressed in her pretty new dress, and ask her, "How would you like your hair done, sweetie?"

"Piggytails!" So I carefully sit her on the bed in between my knees and work at parting her hair and plaiting it into two small French braids. "Mommy?" she asks me as I begin, trying to keep the soft, still baby-fine wisps in place.

"Yes?"

"I love you." I have to stop for a moment because my eyes have embarrassingly misted over and I can't see for a few seconds. 

"I love you too, Lily." 

"I'm glad you're my mommy." 

The things she says sometimes, with the complete innocence of her nearly three years, never ceases to amaze and delight me. "I'm glad I'm your mommy, too. And I'm glad you're my little girl." I give her a hug and a kiss. Then I've got one braid done and I quickly finish the other, tying each neatly on the end with a white satin ribbon. "Muffin, can you sit here real patient and good while Mommy takes a bath and gets ready now?"

"I wanna see what Tyler and Daddy are doing."

"Daddy's getting Tyler ready, and then he's got to get ready himself. Can you just stay here and play with your dolly? I want to keep everything a secret until we're ready to go, so I don't want Daddy to see what you look like just yet. Okay? I promise I'll hurry."

"Okay, Mama." It was the prospect of secret keeping that got her. She's nearly as bad as her dad. I bathe and then, still in my terrycloth robe, do my makeup as Lily sits watching me with fascination. She wants so much to be grown and do things that 'big girls' do, and I want to keep her my sweet little girl for as long as possible. Earlier, I painted her small finger and toenails with rosy pink polish to match her dress, and she keeps looking at them with pride. I slip into the simple lovely white gown and she sighs in admiration. "Mama, you look like a queen."

"Well, you're our princess, so I guess that's okay." I can't decide how to do my hair. Russ likes it long and free, and I've always felt it looks more sophisticated pinned up...this is a wedding, but a fairly informal one, and after some deliberation, I lightly twist it back on the sides and then pull it back into a loose tail at my nape. It sweeps along my bared back and then as a finishing touch I add the diamond earrings and heart pendant that he gave me once, when he pretended to be Captain Jack Aubrey. I love all the facets that make up Russell, even the rough-and-tumble ones, but I love him just as himself the very most of all, the one that's my husband and the father of our children. Taking Lily's hand in mine, for it's nearly time for the ceremony and I'm sure Russ is probably already out on the shore with Tyler and Father Ohara, we hurry to the kitchen to get our flowers.

Melina is there busily working on our wedding dinner, and she looks us over with sparkling eyes. "You both look beautiful." The flowers are in boxes on the counter waiting for us. She opens a small one and lifts out a single, fairly large, perfect white orchid. "For your hair," she explains, helping me pin it where it's gathered in the back. I wasn't expecting this at all, not knowing exactly how I would wear my hair until I actually did it, but somehow, Melina always seems to know what's right. I peek in one of the two large boxes remaining and take out the surprise I got for Lily.

I ordered her a wreath to go on her head, made of tiny pink rosebuds, miniature white orchids edged in an even paler pink, with baby's breath and small springs of lily-of-the-valley. There are white ribbon streamers to go down the back, and she gets to carry a basket of pink and white rose petals to scatter along the way. She knew about the basket, and that had her excited enough, but her eyes light up when she sees the wreath and I carefully place it atop her hair. "A real princess crown!"

"You look so, so pretty, Lil." I have to take her out to the mirror in the hallway and let her have a look at herself. The last box holds my bridal bouquet, made up of flowers that match Lily's but with the added addition of lavender roses, since purple is my favorite color. "Are you ready?"

Lily nods. "Let's go get married, Mommy." 

I have to laugh at this but help her through the house and out the door leading to the beach. As she begins to lead the way on the path that will take us down onto the beach, solemnly strewing petals along, I look out and can see Russ and Tyler waiting for us on the sand.

Russell

At precisely the right moment, I can see Lil and Lissy making their way from the house onto the beach to Tyler and me. There's no music playing, but it's beautiful and almost lyrical nonetheless as the two of them seem to be floating on air to meet us.

Lily's concentrating so hard on scattering the rose petals just so; I can see that serious look on her small face. Tyler, somehow sensing the emotionality of the moment, is quiet in my arms as he watches the two of them coming towards us, first down the narrow path and onto the sand. Lil looks just like the tiny princess she wants to be; in a pretty pink dress with her hair in plaits down her back tied with ribbon; and she's got flowers on her head, which I'm sure thrills her to no end. That was one of the few things Liss would divulge about her preparations for the wedding; that she'd ordered a wreath for Lily's hair, knowing how excited and happy that would make her. 

And Lissy just about takes my breath away; makes my heart skip a beat, so beautiful and elegant in her white dress, which is long and flowing. She looks like an angel, the breeze slightly ruffling her dark hair, which she's got pulled back, a single flower in it. She's as fresh and delicate as the bouquet she's got in her hands, and as our eyes meet, her sweet smile gets brighter, her gaze soft and warm.

They deliberately, slowly make their way across the beach to us, and I bend down to kiss and hug Lil first. "You look so beautiful, love." 

She smiles, formality forgotten in her toddler's exuberance, as she fairly dances on the sand. "Daddy..." she can't help but whisper. "Lookie at my nails. Mommy painted 'em pink." She wiggles her bare toes and I have to grin.

"Very nice," I whisper back and she practically bounces with barely contained enthusiasm, until Liss lightly touches her shoulder and reminds in a gentle voice, "Lily..." Then she's back to being a proper little lady and I can see how proud she is that she's being treated like a grownup. Lissy reaches down to give her a big hug and kiss too, and I can hear her say to our daughter, "You did such a fine job, sweetheart." Straightening, she reaches for Tyler, gives him a big hug and kiss, and then I can't resist pulling her against me for a nice kiss as well. "You're gorgeous, too," I whisper to her.

Lily says, ever the logical one, "You're s'posed to wait till you get married, Daddy." We laugh and I remind her, "We're already married, baby," but Father Ohara tells her, "That's right; they do that at the end, don't they?" To us, he says, "Shall we begin?"

I feel as bouncy and excitable as Lil, inside. Looking at Lissy, I see the sparkle in her eyes, the slight blush on her cheeks, and I know she feels the same way. With her own feet bare, she seems so small and fragile herself; I could easily rest my chin on the top of her head and she has to look up at me; when I gaze down at her, she whispers teasingly, sounding exactly like Lil, "Lookie. My nails are pink, too."

I wink at her. "Beauty," I say, and she smiles, before helping Lily to go sit on the blanket we spread out on the sand so they can watch; carefully laying her flowers down and then she takes Tyler from me, sitting him down between Lily's legs for her to hold. This is the part we worry about, that our energetic little boy will sit still long enough for the ceremony. Liss gives him his toy puppy and his plastic key ring, though, and he's content enough for now.

He fusses just a bit as Lissy comes back to me, struggles somewhat at Lily's arms wrapped around his middle, but she tells him, "Shh, Tyler. Mommy and Daddy's gettin' married, okay?" and he settles, just staring at us as Lissy takes her place in front of me, looking up into my eyes with such love shining forth, slipping both of her hands into mine. At that moment, everything falls into place; all the struggles that we've had leading up to this moment are truly in the past. I feel the most amazing spiritual sense of peace come over all of us as we're about to step into our future together.

Lissy

When I put my hands in Russell's, he gives them a soft squeeze, and when I look at him I can see his smile. Even deeper than that I can see the emotion in his beautiful eyes and I know how much this moment means to him. This will truly be cleansing for us, healing, a time of renewal and personal growth.

As Lily and I came towards them I held that picture in my heart forever, him holding our son, the two of them waiting for us, watching us, loving us. Tyler so adorable in the crisply white short-sleeved little dress shirt and khaki shorts I'd chosen for him, his bare pudgy toes slightly kicking with eagerness as he saw us coming; Russ looking so happy, relaxed and handsome, matching the baby in neatly pressed khakis himself, with his own white shirt slightly open at the collar and the sleeves rolled up his strong arms. I love watching him as a father; he's so gentle and good with both children, and as Lily and I made our way down the path leading from the house and onto the sand, I could see him speaking quietly to Tyler, who just gazed spellbound from us to him and back again.

As the two of us kissed and held the kids, it was our way of telling them that this time around, the renewal of our wedding vows is so much more than just between us as a couple; they are so much a part of this now, a part of what we feel here, because both of them came out of our love for each other. Now, as I look at my husband, and he looks at me, we both pause to see our children before we begin.

Tyler is for once blessedly still and silent; I love my boisterous little boy exactly as he is, but this time he senses the need for reverence and calm, and is just sitting there in Lily's arms, hugging his doggie and watching the two of us. He has an inquisitive look on his face anticipating what's to happen next; and as I said before, he's so much like Russ that I look forward to the adventures we're surely going to have in the near future.

Lily does look so much like a small princess in her flowers and finery; so grown up now that she's the older one and in charge of her brother. She's so good with him, too, tries to be patient and discipline him with kindness; as he reaches for my bouquet, she merely moves it further across the blanket, out of his grasp, and whispers to him, drawing his attention back to us. When she notices us looking at her, she smiles, her whole face alight with joy; and her expression is one of rapt excitement as she waits to hear and see us get married again. I'm not sure how much either of them will understand of all the things that I know Russ and I will say to each other; but I'm sure they will certainly understand the emotion behind each and every word.

And then I turn back to Russell, our gazes never once leaving the other, feeling the love and the commitment that bound us together to begin with uniting us stronger than ever, as we renew our vows in front of God and our children.