We're about to celebrate Jaden and Emily's first birthday. Since we've planned that they will be the last of our children, this is especially bittersweet. Still, we've planned a wonderful celebration; my family's coming in from the States, my mom just coming back after a brief respite, as she just spent some time with us earlier when we brought her back after Russell's harrowing court date in New York. All of the children are looking forward to this, even though the twins have no real idea of what's going on. I think Lily and Tyler are more excited; they keep trying to explain to their younger siblings the benefits of having a birthday party.

Today, however, we're enjoying some rare alone family time, just Russell and I and our children. We let Alex and Jocelyn go to pick up my mom and spend some nice adult time with each other, before coming back to the unbridled chaos of my kids. I've just fixed lunch for everyone; we're all around the table, with the babies feeding themselves finger food, something they've both recently mastered quite well and are both proud of themselves for accomplishing.

"Mum," Lily asks, between bites of macaroni and cheese, "are you ever gonna have another baby?"

I look at Russell, who exchanges an amused look with me. "Why, are you sad the twins are getting older?" I ask.

"No...just wonderin'." She smiles at them; she's like a mini-Mum to them, and has always loved helping me care for them. 

"I don't think so," I tell her. "We've talked about it, and while we love all four of you, we've decided we're pretty much done having any more babies."

She seems to absorb that, and is fine with our decision. Then, she turns her attention to her father. "Daddy," she asks, "when you and Mama made me n' Tyler, n' the twins, did you REALLY plant a seed in Mum to grow a baby?"

Neither of us was in any way prepared for that question. Russell chokes, and I mean, literally chokes, while eating; I helpfully reach over and pound him on the back. He takes a moment to compose himself, Lily still happily eating her lunch, and finally asks, "Where did you hear that, sweetheart?" I don't know whether to laugh or what; but I do know I'm finding it awfully hard right now to look anyone in the eye.

"A boy at school, his mum's havin' a baby, and he told me that's what the daddies do to help the mum make one." She's so matter-of-fact; she trusts us, Russell especially, to tell her the absolute truth.

Russell looks equal parts dumbfounded and almost upset that some five year-old male would deign to besmirch his daughter's relative mental innocence. "Really," he says, looking to me for support. I merely blink. How in the hell are we supposed to handle this one?

I was hoping Tyler wasn't paying attention, but knowing he's Russell's son in particular, I should have also realized nothing would get by him. He's stopped eating and looks nearly as astonished as his dad. "That's stupid, Lil," he says.

The true mum in me takes over from there and I go into automatic response mode. "First, young man, that is NOT a nice thing to say," I gently reprimand.

"I's sorry, Lily," he apologizes, and she nods her approval.

The rest slips out before I can think straight. "And secondly...it's true. Sort of."

Now Lily's stopped eating as well, and both children are looking at me with a mix of confusion and wonder. Russell has composed himself, and is watching me with his chin propped on one hand and this "Do tell," expression on his face. With a smirk of sorts, damn him. They both look to Emmy and Jaden and then me, as if trying to figure it all out. "But Mommy," Tyler says, "when I ate an apple seed by mistake, you said it wouldn't grow into a tree in my tummy. How come you can grow a baby with a seed?"

Before I can think of any type of an appropriate or suitable response, Lil pipes up, "He says the Mum has an egg." 

Now it's my turn to choke and I know I'm a fetching shade of beet red. 

Tyler's understandably quite perplexed. "Mama's NOT a HEN...HOW can she LAY an EGG?" Farm living has prepared them for quite a bit, but not to this extent. Even the twins are looking at me, trying to see, I suppose, if I have suddenly sprouted a beak and tail feathers. I sneak a peek at Russell. His face is buried in both hands and his shoulders are shaking uncontrollably. I can't tell if he's crying or laughing hysterically but I strongly suspect it's the latter. Lunchtime has rapidly deteriorated into this. "That...is also...sort of true..." I say, not knowing where this is heading.

"I'M NOT A CHOOK!" Tyler is off the wall indignant and thoroughly confounded. "Am I?" he asks, a small frown on his face.

I stifle a laugh by coughing into my napkin. Lily giggles. "Of course not, silly." But they both look expectantly to me to explain it all.

Russell finally dares look at me. His eyes are suspiciously moist and he has a hard time pulling himself together. Rescue me, my expression clearly states, and when he doesn't immediately respond, I kick him under the table and glare at him.

"Kids," he says. "Do you mind if I speak to Mum in private for a moment?"

"'Course not, Daddy," Lil says agreeably. 

"I can't be a chicken, I don't have feathers," Tyler's still pondering this over in his head. "I didn't come out of an egg, did I, Lil?"

"I don't remember," she tells him, and they're discussing this amongst themselves while we go off into the other room. 

We barely get the door shut before we go off into gales of laughter. When we've gotten hold of ourselves again, he says, "I can't believe this is happening."

"Oh, god, it's our house, I can." I wipe tears from my eyes. 

"What the HELL kind of parents tell their kids about something like this at their age?" he wants to know. We've always vowed to be as honest with our children as possible, but this is to the extreme, I think.

"Parents who think they're enlightening them in some way, I suppose." 

"Well, they can go enlighten somewhere else," he grumbles. "They're too young to have to know all about this now." 

"Look, if we kind of brush it off, maybe we may have to tell Lily something to appease her curiosity later, but Tyler will probably forget all about this."

He looks at me as if I really have just laid an egg. "Are we talking about the same child, Liss?"

Of COURSE Tyler won't forget all about this, not until he gets an answer that satisfies him. "Well, what are we supposed to say?"

"I don't know, can't you think of something, Ms. Yes-It's-True?"

I sigh. "I didn't know what else to say, what to tell them." 

"Well, now you've piqued their interest. Tyler thinks he's a chook and is probably out there chirping and flapping even as we speak." 

I can't help but giggle at that one. "How old were you when you found out about sex and..." he's already grinning and I hold a hand up. "God, no. Stop. I don't want to hear the sordid details." I picture him and Terry as little boys furtively perusing Playboy magazine. I can see it so clearly in my mind's eye, it's scary.

"How old were you?"

I try to think back. "I didn't know anything until they had that time in school when they separate the girls from the boys and tell them what's happening with their bodies. And even then, I don't think I fully understood what it was all about, until..."

"...You married me," he says, smugly. I slug him. "No, until I was a little older, about twelve or so, maybe, you moron." 

"I think what we should do is find some book or something, and go over this a bit later, when we've had more time to think it through," he suggests. "And definitely put a halt to all of it for right now."

I agree. We go back out and sure enough, Tyler is making Lily giggle crazily by flapping his arms and cockle-doodle-do-ing for all it's worth. 

"You're not a chicken," I tell him firmly. "And yes, we will discuss all of this. Just not right now."

"Nana and Papa will be here shortly with Grandma, and we've got a lot to do for the twins' birthday," Russell adds. "And this is not a subject to be brought up with any of them, this is something we're going to talk about as just us, okay?"

They're fine with that so at least for now, the birds and the bees can wait. 

I can tell both kids are still pondering the possibilities of seeds and eggs and chickens, but they leave it be. However, when the grandparents get home, all of a sudden Tyler asks my mom, "Grandma, do I look like a chook?"

Like me, my mom has adjusted rapidly to the Aussie vernacular. And like both Jocelyn and Alex, she's used to offbeat questions coming from the children, our son in particular, who changes subjects with the drop of a hat. Russell lays a warning hand on his shoulder and he gives him a, "but, Dad..." sort of look. Pretending to examine him up and down, she tells him, "You look like a little boy to me, sweetheart."

"I'm NOT a LITTLE boy!" He's almost as insulted as when he was at the idea he was a chicken. My mom smiles. "Of course not, I'm so sorry. You look like a grown-up young man."

He's satisfied with that but I can tell by watching him that he's still going over things in his mind and it's all he can do, bursting at the seams with obvious questions as he is, not to take this any further for now. I sigh. When it comes to certain things, Tyler has the attention span of a gnat. When it comes to others, he has the mentality of a wise old sage and will retain things forever. I know he won't let this go but I'm hoping that until we can figure out what we're going to tell them, it may fade somewhat.

I'm glad Emmy and Jaden aren't quite vocal just yet. When that happens, things are going to become even more interesting.

There's about another week before the twins' birthday. Russell left for a few brief days to travel to Sydney; he had a little bit of business and then was planning to do a couple of concerts with his band, something I know he loves to do. It relaxes him and besides, he's always been very good about taking his turn with the children while I go and pursue things I enjoy doing as well. He's only going to be gone for three or four days, and with my mom here to help with the kids, it's not something I mind at all.

Today, though, Mom went with Mum (how's that for telling them apart?) and I've left the kids to play by themselves in their playroom while I get some other things done around the house. Going to check on them, I pause for a moment just outside; the door is slightly ajar and I'm wondering what they're doing.

"You can do it, Emmy. I know you can." This from Lily. "Tyler, help her!"

"I am!" This from my son. "Come here, Emmy." I peek, curious now more than ever. 

Jaden has been walking for only a couple of weeks, a bit behind my oldest two, but still right on track. Emily, on the other hand, is still in the cruising stage, holding onto things and sort of sidestepping her way along; she hasn't so far shown any inclination to be right there with her twin brother, but neither Russ nor I have been worried, since she's not been behind developmentally at all and we're sure she'll do it when it's time for her to.

Lily is kneeling there on the floor behind her, with her upright holding onto both of her hands, Tyler kneeling in front of them both just a short distance away. As I watch, Lily lets go of her sister, Tyler's arms outstretched to catch her. Emily sways for a bit, tries to reach for her brother, takes one step, then another, and then falls, both children grabbing for her so she won't hurt herself. Jaden is off in another corner of the room building things with his huge, chunky, baby-sized Lego's.

I push open the door and just stand there for a moment, watching Lil patiently set Emily on her feet again, Tyler taking up his position, but before she lets her go, I say, gently, "You know, maybe she's not ready to walk just yet."

Both of the older two startle, look a bit guilty, and then a mite upset. "Mum, you're not supposed to be here!" Lil protests. 

"I AM the mum, I think I am supposed to be here," I remind. "It's my job to keep track of all of you." 

"No, Mommy...it's a surprise," Tyler looks so disappointed I wish now I hadn't made my presence known. "What's a surprise?" I have to ask. 

"We were gonna teach Emmy to walk, as a surprise for you and Dad," Lil tells me. "We were hopin' she would learn how before her birthday." 

"Sweetie..." I sit on the floor with all of them, taking Emily from Lily and settling her in my lap, "if she's not ready to walk, you can't make her. Maybe it's simply not time for her to yet. She doesn't have to just 'cause Jaden has, okay?"

"But...I think she really wants to, Mama." I smile at Tyler, and then draw Jaden onto my lap as well; he's abandoned his play to be with the rest of us. "I'm sure she does, peanut. But if she's not quite ready, we have to respect that, and let her learn to do things at her own speed, don't we?"

"She will do it, Mum, I KNOW she will." I'm touched by how much Lil and Tyler both want her to accomplish this and how hard they're willing to work with her to do so.

"Now that you know, Mommy, can you not tell Dad?" Tyler begs. 

"Listen...I'll make you a deal." The two older children lean forward eagerly; there is nothing they like better than creating a surprise for anyone, and although they're disappointed I found out beforehand, the thought of every one of us having a secret from Russell is highly appealing. "If I don't tell Dad, then you two have to promise that if Emmy doesn't want to do this, you won't make her. I know you'll both feel kind of sad if she doesn't before their birthday, but if not I want you to know that it's perfectly okay and she will, when she's able and ready to. You can still work with her and try to help her, but if she's not going to do it, I want both of you to respect that, and let her be. All right?"

"Deal!" We all solemnly shake on it. 

"AND," I pry something out of my youngest son's fist and hand it to Tyler; it's one of his smaller sized Lego blocks and he scrambles to put it up, "if I let you continue to work with Emily, you have GOT to also keep an eye on Jaden. Okay? I can't have you forgetting to watch him while you try to help your sister."

"Yes, Mum." That decided, I give each older child a twin sibling and stand up. "Good. Now, I'm going to fix us something to eat, and then, the twins will have to take their naps. Don't push Emily to do this, now, remember?"

But as I leave they're right at it again. I do hope that she does decide she wants to walk, because I hate for Tyler and Lily to be sorry their hard work was for naught. Still, she's the absolute last of my kids to do so, and that gives me a small pang of regret.

Nothing eventful, traumatic, or particularly exciting happens in the next couple of days while Russell's away. The day he's due to come home, I'm trying to get the house and our children in order. When I go to check on the kids in the playroom again, this time all four of them are simply playing together.

"She didn't want to try walkin' today, Mommy, so we didn't make her," Tyler tells me, as I sit there with them and Emily immediately crawls into my lap.

"That's good...any progress?" I straighten the bow in the baby's hair and look at the older ones. Lily shakes her head sadly. "Nope." 

"Well, I still tell you two, she's going to do it only when she's ready, and then, I'll bet she'll surprise us all." 

"Is Daddy on the way?" Tyler wants to know.

"Yes, I imagine he'll be home any moment now." 

Lily smiles. "I'm glad...I missed him...and I betcha you did too, huh, Mum?"

"I always miss Daddy when he's away, but I think things have been fine this time, don't you?" Russell's recent brush with the law isn't so far in the past we haven't forgotten it.

"I hope Dad's been good." This from Tyler, of course. 

"I think Dad's been perfectly fine," I reassure. 

"Mama, did you love him the very minute you saw him?" Lil wants to know. 

I think back, remembering. That sort of surreal feeling that I was seeing Russell Crowe in the flesh, and then, the realization he was human, just as everyone else. Of course, not just as everyone else, because he IS a pretty exceptional individual; but that jolt when we first began speaking to each other, that easy familiarity and instant recognition that I believe only comes when you forge an immediate bond with someone. "I'm not sure it was the very minute," I tell her. "But soon thereafter, I'm sure."

"He says he loved you the very minute he saw you," she confides. This pleases me. "He does?"

She nods. 

"How can you love someone when you don't even know them yet?" Tyler asks. 

"Well...your heart knows them, somehow," I explain. "It's like all of you. Before we even had any of you, your daddy and I knew that we would love you, once you were here. Of course, we didn't even know early on, with each one of you, whether you were boys or girls, but that didn't matter at all. We knew we loved you just the same. We loved just the idea of you, that someday we would have babies to take care of forever."

All four children look absolutely enraptured at this thought. Then, Lily says, "Speaking of babies, Mum, when are you going to tell us about makin' 'em?"

I was really hoping this had died down but in anticipation of this coming round again, Russell and I found a book to help us explain it all. Sighing, I tell her, "Why don't we discuss this tonight, when Daddy gets here?"

"Discuss what when I get here?" We all look up to see him standing there. The bigger kids jump up and give him hugs and kisses, Jaden struggling to pull himself upright while even Emily tries to mobilize herself. They're too late, though, in that Russell's already joined us on the floor with both Lil and Tyler permanently adhered to either side of him. He leans over and kisses me. "What are we discussing?"

I raise a brow and share a private look with him. "The baby discussion."

He gives me that same sort of look, hoping that this was all behind us. "We'll have to see 'bout that one." 

"Dad...you SAID we'd talk and we haven't." Talk about seeds; this one is firmly planted in Tyler's young mind and he won't let it go. Russell sighs, sounding much like I did earlier. "Right, well then, we'll talk about it tonight. Till then...why don't you tell me what you've been doing while I've been away?"

They all start chattering at one time and I feel reprieved. For now.

Later that night, after the twins have been put to bed, we all gather on our big bed with Lily and Tyler tucked in between us, ready for the Big Discussion.

Russell and I had our own Big Discussion about this earlier and we decided simply to read the book to them, let the illustrations help us along, and hopefully field any questions as they come up. We found a very straightforward book, called Where Did I Come From?  that explains honestly the entire concept. I think at first we were both a bit taken aback at just HOW forthright everything was laid out, but if there's one thing I can say for my kids, it's that they're both highly astute and very conscientious of things the way they are. And in a way, I'm grateful that this is coming up now, things might actually be easier to discuss with them at their current ages rather than when they're teenagers. Although I'm still kind of upset the issue was forced. Russell and I both went to the school and had a talk with Lily's teacher about what happened; and I know

she had a talk with the other child's parents about the appropriateness of the subject. 

If anything, from the start, I've always tried to instill a clear sense of self in our children, morality with open-mindedness. It's been interesting considering I'm American; the values there are a little more uptight than the rest of the world, and then, my husband is naturally more direct than I am, but I believe we've found a nice balance and our kids are neither going to become monks and nuns or porn stars. But, this little talk we're about to have will put my theory about them to the test.

I make him start reading the book; they think it's funny when the first part discusses where children THINK babies come from. Of course they know the stork didn't really bring them, nor did we find them under a cabbage leaf in the garden. Then Russell turns the page, where there is a cartoon illustration of a naked mum and a naked dad and the book begins to explain the differences between men and women.

Lily's not a prude but her eyes widen and her mouth is open in a small 'o'. Tyler is fascinated; he's of course aware of what he looks like without clothes but seeing grownups like this interests him. "Do you look like him, Dad?" he wants to know.

Russell clears his throat; he's been doing that a lot since we all first sat down, and I'm amused to see something fluster him. The man has accepted awards all over the world, he's made movies where he's all tough and macho and he does concerts in front of several thousand people. But I've never seen him squirm or exhibit such nervousness as he is now in front of his two small children and a book on human reproduction. Although I shouldn't talk; I know I'm flushed in the face and it's only a matter of time before one or both of them feel the urge to ask ME something. "Well, I don't look EXACTLY like the bloke," he tells his son. "But I do have the same parts. So do you, only they don't look quite like that yet."

"Mommy, too?" 

"Yeah, Mum has the same parts as the lady, and so does Lily, only she doesn't look like that right now, either. Because you're both smaller," he tries to explain helpfully.

The next page is all about the mum and how her breasts help to feed a baby after it's born. There's a picture of the mum nursing and both children are fine with this part; they've seen me with the twins and Lil's even watched me with Tyler when he was small. I never flaunted it in front of them but neither did I act like it was something unnatural, either. Then it's on to the next part, discussing the basic differences between the man and the woman. I can tell Russell wants to rush through this part but he's deliberately reading word for word and giving both children a chance to examine the differing parts in question.

"People look funny naked," Lily says, and I smile. Her dad says, "They do, don't they?" Our eyes meet over the children's heads. So far, so good.

The next part describes how sometimes the man and the woman are lying in bed and they feel very loving towards each other so they kiss and they hold each other tight. The cartoon mum and dad are now snuggling under the covers. "They're havin' a bunnymoon!" Lily exclaims excitedly. Now it's my turn to clear my throat.

The book goes on to explain that the man's penis gets hard and big and because he's feeling very, very loving and close to the woman, the best thing he can do for that is to lie on top of her and put it inside of her vagina. Now the cartoon couple are, well, coupling. It's very discreet, although you can see from the side where the covers are pulled back, that they are indeed still both very naked and he is indeed doing just that. She looks very happy. Lil looks a little stunned, trying to figure this part of it out. Now Tyler's the one whose eyes are as huge as saucers and his mouth is open. Russell doesn't go on but both of us wait for the inevitable round of questions and comments.

"That's just crazy talkin', Dad!" Tyler bursts out. I have to really fight the urge to laugh at this. "WHY would you WANT to do THAT?" 

A muscle in Russell's cheek is twitching and I realize he's trying to tamp down the same urge. "Well, right here, you know how I just read that it says it feels really good?"

He nods but looks incredibly dubious. 

"Well, it does. It feels very nice when I do this, with Mum." 

Still skeptical, Tyler turns to me for confirmation. My own cheeks are flaming bright red but I nod. "Besides, it's a lovely way for me to show Mummy how very much I love her, when we're like this, mate." He's absolutely unconvinced.

"Can't you just get her a pressie? With a big bow on top. And some flowers." Lily has said nothing but her head is tipped to one side, examining the drawing. Oh, boy.

"Actually," I find my voice; my son looks to me with incredulity. "I would rather have Daddy, just like this." 

"You WOULD???" Then he asks his father, "What if you get stuck? When your..."

"Penis," Lil pipes up helpfully. Someone is definitely paying attention.

"Yeah, when it is inside of her. What if you couldn't get it back out?"

"If you notice," Russell tells him dryly, "we haven't had that problem yet." 

"Does Dad SQUISH you?" Tyler asks me.

"He's usually very careful not to," I explain. 

"Does it hurt when he puts his..."

"Penis," Lil says again. "In her bagina?"

Tyler nods. They both look to me. "Vagina," I automatically correct, resisting the urge to make a face at my husband, who looks both relieved and amused that now I'm the one in the hot seat. "And no, like the book says, it feels very good. Mummies and Daddies are made to fit together like this."

"Well, it's kinda weird," is our son's opinion.

"But not every time you make a baby?" Lil finally asks. "Just some of the time?"

"Sometimes," Russell tells her, "you do it on purpose, to try to make a baby. And other times, you make one when you don't mean to, but that's okay, because a baby is a very wonderful surprise. And other times, you just do it because it's a loving thing and it feels good. That's why the book says it's called making love." He smiles. "You've called it a bunnymoon."

"Oh." This makes sense to her. Then, "It's a good thing you can't make a baby every single time, because we'd have a whole bunch more of 'em...you guys have a bunnymoon a LOT."

I make a strangled sound. He really, REALLY clears his throat. "That's because I love Mum an awful lot, sweetheart." 

The book goes on to describe the feeling as a special kind of tickly feeling that is made better by wiggling

about. It also says that most of the wiggling is done down below, where the man and woman are joined, because that's where most of the lovely tickling sensation is going on. Hmm, I wouldn't have described it as such, but that's a good way of putting it. Lily now looks a bit fascinated by the whole process; the mysteries of the bunnymoon now explained. Tyler, on the other hand, has an amusingly disapproving look on his small face. I've always figured that the time for my child to be appalled by the thought of his parents having sex would come much later, not at three and a half years old. I think this is too much for his mind to process just now and think briefly to myself he handled much better the possibility he hatched like a chook.

I'm finding a great deal of humor, now that the worst of the describing is actually over, in watching my husband as well, because he's concentrating mighty hard on reading the words of the book and is trying studiously to avoid looking at me, or the children, especially our son. I wouldn't have thought something that he's so uninhibited about sharing with me would be such a trial to have to explain to the kids.

The book tells how the man pushes his penis up and down inside the woman's vagina, to ease the tickling and make them feel much better, and how this gets quicker and quicker as the feeling grows. Russell's voice has grown incredibly husky, and I don't think it's from desire. More like extreme embarrassment. It then goes on to explain that all of that rubbing ends up in a huge wonderful shiver, like when your nose tickles and tickles and you finally have a great big sneeze. Lil finds that part funny, even though I can tell by the expression on her face she's trying to picture all of this, which fills me with a little dismay, as I really didn't intend for my nearly six year old child to envision us having sex, either. Tyler has that stunned mullet look again, even more so when Russell reads the next part, how, when this happens, thick, sticky stuff comes out of the man's penis and goes into the woman, creating the beginnings of a new baby.

"I TOLD you what if you get stuck, Daddy," he says reproachfully. "What if you got glued to the inside of Mama?" 

"It's not like that..." I attempt to calm him down; he's looking all accusatory at his father as if he's attacked me right there in front of him. Lil interrupts. "Tyler, just listen to Daddy tell how it happens, okay?" She's getting as exasperated as he is.

"LIL..." He turns to his sister. "He puts his GENIUS in her JEMIMA...you don't think that's SILLY?" Russell and I are so close to losing it now; neither of us dares look at the other.

"PENIS!!" my usually calm, patient daughter shrieks, her tolerance stretched thin, and while I know my mom and Russell's folks are in the house, I pray to God none of them can hear her at this point in time. "PENIS...and BAGINA...don't you know ANYTHING???"

"Vagina," I automatically correct once again, feeling like laughing and sobbing at once. Chaos reigns supreme. Another pure sitcom moment in our household.

In what I've come to call his Maximus Tone, his completely in control, take-charge kind of voice, Russell says, "Do you two want to hear about where the baby comes from or not?"

"Yes," they both say meekly, in unison. Tyler still looks highly suspicious, as if he can't quite believe this is really how it is. I feel badly for the little guy and I think both his dad and I will need to have a one-on-one with him later, unless he can get over his feeling he landed in the Twilight Zone.

Daddy goes on to talk about semen and sperm (explaining those are the seeds Lily referred to before) and eggs (not chook eggs, he tells Tyler, who then looks relieved he wasn't hatched, after all.). When he gets to the part that one sperm and the one egg it fertilizes makes one baby, and two make two, etc., and how there's hundreds and thousands of sperm there but they have to find the special single egg to start a baby, our daughter looks suitably impressed. "Wow, you guys are GOOD," she praises. "'Cause you made Jaden and Emily at the same time." Russell grins at this and I have to resist the compulsion to reach across and thwack him one.

"You have 'mazin' sperms, Dad," Tyler tells him, and I think this is his way of apologizing for the ruckus before. Unfortunately this makes my husband grin even more and I vow to myself to get revenge on him for that later.

Since I was the one to bear and deliver all four children, he turns the book over to me, and I explain, month-by-month, the development of the growing baby. The drawings are very good; showing how the child changes as time progresses. Lily is totally enthralled by this part of it; she was quite small herself when I was carrying Tyler, but with the twins, she was very involved and interested as my pregnancy went on. Even my son understands the gist of this part of it, and so he's quiet as he listens and looks at the pictures. Russell's even visibly more relaxed; the most stressful part of this whole thing now behind us. Whether safely or not, I can't quite say just yet.

"Why don't daddies have the baby?" Tyler wants to know.

Matter-of-factly, Lil responds, "Because they couldn't handle it."

Russell fixes me with That Look (I'm sure I don't have to describe it to you, you can probably figure out which one I mean.). "Who says that?" he asks, in his Max Tone again. Despite myself, I snicker.

"Mum," she answers predictably. "I asked, when we were gonna have the twins, and that's what she said." 

"You know," my husband says, surprising me; I think he's now reminiscing about watching me go through labor and delivery of all of the kids, "she's probably right about that one."

"Boys are TOUGH!" Tyler is definitely The Son of Maximus, all right.

"True enough," I soothe. "But mommies are made to carry and grow and have the baby. It's just what God decided." 

This pacifies him and he turns his attention back to the book. One of those spousal enigmatic looks are exchanged between me and Russell and I think I'm not the only one vowing revenge for smart-aleckness later on.

"I can't believe it is this tiny," Lil says, pointing to the drawing of the baby at about one or two months, "and then it grows this big!" She turns the page and points to the seventh or eighth month, with the child curled and somewhat crowded in the womb.

"It was like that with all of you," I tell her. "And then, with Jay and Emmy, I had both of them in there at once."

"You were HUGE, Mama," my ever-tactful son remembers. Now it's Russell's turn to snicker. I give him my own version of The Look.

"She was tryin' to keep them inside," Lily tells him. "'Member? They tried to come early. So did you. I stayed in until it was time."

"You," I remind her gently, "were then late and didn't want to come out right away. All four of you were stubborn. But, I'm glad you're all here now, safe and sound."

The children like this; they've always loved hearing us discuss what it was like to have them, the feelings we felt and what we experienced. 

I read about how finally, the mum is tired and big, and just about when she's decided she's had enough, the baby also decides it's time to be born. So the mum begins to have stomach aches, over and over, letting her know that the baby is coming (only any stomach ache I've ever had in life couldn't prepare me for what it feels like to be in labor. I realize, however, the author is trying to explain this in terms the kids can understand.). The book explains this is very long and tiring and that is why it's called labor. A more apt term or two comes to mind but I'm aware that these are my children I'm telling this to.

Lil frowns. "That doesn't sound at all like fun." 

Realizing that what I tell her now could color her viewpoint for a very long time, I explain, "Well, muffin, it's not. But it's what has to be done to have the baby."

As he did before, when his father explained the concept of the conception of it, Tyler says, "Why WOULD you want to do that, Mommy? If it's so much work and it hurts way much."

Now I smile at him, lean over and kiss the top of his head. "Because I love you." 

Sometimes, when I've had to struggle with them, my son especially, to do something or not to do something else, and he asks why, this is my answer. He understands that both Russell and I only want what is best and right for him, for all of them, and we discipline them sometimes only because we love them so very much. I go on to explain, "Every time I've had each of you, parts of it have been hard and sometimes not a whole lot of fun. But that was okay, because I would think about how excited I would be to finally see you when you were born, to get to hold you in my arms and give you hugs and kisses. That would make me want to try all the more to get you here safely. Besides, I had Daddy to love me, too, and take care of me, and then, as each of you came along, I had those of you already here to love and take care of me as well." 

They both remember the fright with the twins when they threatened to come early and I had to be airlifted to the hospital. I can see it in their faces. "Love," I tell them, "makes you brave and strong and makes you feel you can do almost anything."

"I'm glad you did it, Mama." Lily, who's always been my wise, intuitive one, smiles back at me and it's her dad's turn to lean over and give her a kiss. "I'm glad she did, too." He kisses Tyler, too, who beams up at him, his earlier trauma over what he does to me when we're alone forgiven and forgotten.

"We made each one of you with a great deal of love," he tells them. "And your Mum went through a lot to bring you here, because of a lot of love. Always remember that."

Despite the oddity of the WAY we made them, at least to the children, they take his words to heart, I can tell. 

"What happens next, Mum?" Lil asks, so I read on, describing how the baby is pushed and squeezed out of the birth canal, and how the baby is quite large compared to the opening in the mother, so one can see what a great deal of work this is. Poor Tyler is thinking back upon the picture of the naked lady and her respective parts, and looks a little shell-shocked at this great revelation, too. "Owie," he comments.

"Owie is right," I tell him ruefully. 

"And sometimes," Lily reminisces over what she knows about her baby brother and sister's arrival, "when the baby won't fit they have to cut a line in your belly and pull them out that way, don't they, Mama?"

We were very careful after the twins' birth to explain to both children that this was what had to be done, although I was just fine and my tummy would heal. Tyler had almost forgotten. He looks a little nauseated. "Yuck," he says.

"Well, it wasn't pleasant, and it wasn't the happiest time I've ever had," I respond honestly. "But, by then I would have done nearly anything to make sure the babies got here fine and well. And, when you give birth, you know, you're so excited to meet the baby that I promise you, you soon forget how much it hurt, because having it is the best part of all. THAT part is the happiest time ever. Every single time, for me and for your dad."

This satisfies them. Always, always, every day and every chance I get, I want my children to know how much they're loved and wanted. Russell is the same way. And

that's how I think we've ended up with incredibly empathetic, loving and generous kids in our lives, thank you very much. 

I read about how the baby comes out yelling and a bit upset, at having to enter the bright and cold world after being tucked inside the mum for so long, and this makes them giggle. "I bet Tyler yelled the worst," Lil says, teasing her brother.

"You were both pretty loud," Russell tells them. "But yeah, I think they heard Tyler clear in Sydney." 

He laughs at this, his precious bubbly laugh that's always made us smile. And of course, he's proud at this. "Every one of you," I tell them, "had a very special place waiting for you in our family, a space only you could fill. And we're very glad you came into our lives. We love all of you so, so much."

I go on to explain how their belly buttons were created after they were born, how they used to be attached to me by the umbilical cord and I fed them through that while they were inside, and then when they didn't need it anymore, how it was cut off (and it didn't hurt a bit) and that's how they each got their navel. My husband and I exchange an amused look between us when both children tug their shirts up to take a look. The book concludes by explaining that if they ever wonder why we went through so much work all they need to do is look in the mirror and understand we did it for them.

I close the book. All four of us sigh at almost precisely the same time, me and Russell for having survived that and Tyler and Lily for finally coming to an understanding of sorts.

"I know a bunch of it probably seemed strange and might not have made a lot of sense," Daddy tells them. "But, we felt you were both old enough to know what really goes on, and so we told you." He goes on to emphasize that this knowledge is best for now kept strictly to ourselves; I think he's more worried about one of them blurting some piece of wisdom to the family than telling a little friend. Since the kids enjoy secrets amongst themselves, they're fine with that; and I think too, now that Tyler especially knows, he'll let it go. I think we sufficiently freaked him out enough that he won't be dwelling on this anytime soon.

"I won't be doin' THAT for FOREVER," he tells us solemnly, and we try not to laugh. 

"You understand," Russell asks him, "that for me and your Mum it's a totally caring and loving thing that we do, that it's very nice for both of us, and I would never, ever do anything to hurt her or make her feel bad?"

Tyler gives me a sidelong glance as if still questioning my absolute sanity in this matter. "Yes," he says. "But I still think it's weird."

"You're entitled to your opinion on that one, son," his father tells him. "But you're okay with this?"

He nods. Thank goodness; because I don't want to be wracked with guilt every time we make love. 

"What about you?" he asks Lil.

She purses her lips, thinking. "I agree with Tyler," she says. "It sounds a bit weird."

"Like I told him," Russ tells her patiently, "you're entitled to your opinion. No one will make fun of you or get mad at you for that, sweetheart." 

"But," she goes on, "I reckon, if you love each other and that's what you want to do, then that's okay. I guess it makes sense if you're grownup."

"I promise you," he pledges, "it will, when you're bigger." If he has his say about it, a lot, LOT bigger. When his little girl's forty, no doubt.

"Now that we've talked about all of this," I coax, "how 'bout getting ready for bed? "You can both take a bath in the morning." 

They're good with that suggestion so we help them down and they're scampering off to their respective rooms. I feel drained, as if I'd really just gone through several hours of labor. Russell looks a little weary, too. I'm sure later on we'll find this funnier.

After we get Tyler and Lil changed, tucked into bed, and sent off on their way to sleep, we go downstairs to my mom and Russell's folks, who are sitting around the table in the kitchen playing cards. All three of them take in our somewhat dazed look with amusement. "How did the sex talk go?" Alex cheerfully asks us.

Neither of us had any idea they knew anything about it. I suppose it's that otherworldly sixth sense that parents get; I guess their skills have been honed with time. My husband and I have both found out tonight we're virtual novices at the parenting thing, after we'd both thought we were getting pretty damn good at it.

Russell tries the Maximus Look and Tone once more. "Who told you about it?" he asks his father. I have to tell you, it's definitely losing its effectiveness. God knows, after being with him for ten or so years, I'm not intimidated by him at all. I've seen him at his most vulnerable, and I'd have to say I'm the one who also knows him best. The Maximus act only amuses me. It's not even really getting to the kids anymore, either. They all know, the two oldest especially, their dad's a pushover where they're concerned. Even the twins are learning how to shamelessly manipulate him. So I can tell you it does absolutely nothing for his mum and dad. After all, they've been dealing with him long before he even entertained the idea of playing Max to begin with, and even before he read his first movie script. Even my own mother looks amused.

"You'll never guess," both grandmas say at once. 

We look at each other. "Tyler," we say, resignedly.

"Actually," my mom says, "it was Lily." 

"Lily???" Now we're both a bit surprised. 

"She was so proud," Mom goes on to explain, "that you two thought it was important enough to talk to them about it, and that they were grownup enough to hear it."

I feel good at least that the prospect made her feel this way. I think she's okay with it, too, it's still Tyler's residual doubt that makes me wonder. We both sit heavily down and sigh for about the hundredth time tonight. All three older parents burst out laughing. So, we go over in brief the discussion, the children's concerns, and their comments. I think everyone laughs the hardest at Tyler's remarks.

I still have to tell you, I love seeing my usually calm, cool, and collected husband thrown for a massive loop. "Can we not talk about this any more?" he finally pleads.

Still chuckling, Dad deals us in and we play a couple of lively hands of poker with them before we excuse ourselves and go upstairs to our own room, mostly to recuperate from this entire evening.

I flop down on my back on the bed and let out a hefty sigh. Russell lies down beside me, giving me that somewhat goofy look he sometimes gets. "I think that all went quite well," he says cheerfully.

We look at each other and burst out laughing. "Surely you don't mean that," I gasp, all the pent-up humor of the discussion finally bursting forth.

"Did you not detect my note of sarcasm?" he asks, though he's grinning. "I will be grateful if I never have to give this fucking talk ever again."

"Did you mean fucking talk, or fucking talk?" I ask sweetly. "Because it sounds like one and the same to me. Besides," I remind, "we have two other children, but with any luck at all, we won't have to go through this again for about another ten years or so."

We dissolve into laughter again. We just can't help ourselves. "My son hates me," my husband says. 

I turn on my side to look at him. "Of course he doesn't hate you, babe." 

"When he saw that picture, and I had to read that...that..." he can't even say it now, with me, "did you see him? He couldn't believe I'd do something like that to you."

I smile. "He's fine with it now...he's just very protective of his mummy, and I think it's adorable, actually." 

"Adorable, ha," Russell says. 

Cradling his face between my hands, I say, "He's only just like you, darling." Then, "From the time I first got to know you, really know you, I wondered what it must have been like for your poor mum. Now, I know. I'm sure you were every bit as much a pill when you were his age."

He tries to give me That Look again and fails miserably, ending up instead giving me another of his winning smiles and a kiss. "Still, he did praise my 'mazin' sperms," he teases.

I bury my face in his shoulder. "Oh, god, please, PLEASE don't let that go straight to your ego, would you?" Peeking at him, he's preening again. "Too late."

"All that talk about sex makes me want to ravish you," he murmurs, in my ear. "Want to check out what it's all about?"

Looking at him, I have to ask, "Did it really turn you on?"

"Not the book itself or the pictures, frankly. But my reading it while you were sitting there kind of did, actually," he confesses. 

I have to laugh. "Well, listening to you describing...certain things...kind of did it for me," I admit. "I love the sound of your voice." 

Nuzzling my neck, he looks even more satisfied when he makes me shiver. "Ma'am? Might I kindly put my genius in your Jemima, please?"

I giggle. "Well, okay, but only because you asked so nicely...but what if you get stuck, though?"

He raises his face to look at me with a great deal of warmth in his expression. "I couldn't think of a nicer place to be," he tells me truthfully.

Kissing the tip of my nose, he then takes my mouth with his and we're soon lost in another one of those bunnymoons of Lily's. I do love this man.

The next morning, we're awakened by the sounds of Jaden and Emily 'talking' to one another coming through their baby monitor. 

They sleep throughout the night and pretty much don't need monitoring anymore, but I'm reluctant, sort of, to let my babies completely shed their last vestiges of infanthood. So, we still leave it on, and we usually don't hear a peep until they wake up. They're fine where they are for now, though, so the two of us get up, showered, dressed and in order before we go to get them ready for a new day.

Russell takes Emmy this morning, while I have Jaden. From the start, he's always been a very involved dad in taking care of things; for anyone in the media who still delights in playing him up as a bad boy I wish they could see him change diapers and multitask every bit as much as I do in taking care of four growing, active children.

We're getting them dressed when Tyler comes in. "Good morning, sweetheart," I tell him, giving him a kiss and noting he's freshly bathed, dressed, and in order himself.

"Grandma gived me 'n Lily a bath, 'cause you were still asleep," he says. He looks at Russell and I can't be sure, but I think he's trying to resist the urge to find out whether or not we did what the people in the book did last night. I really hope this awkward stage of discomfort comes to pass, because I have to fight the impulse to defend ourselves to my son. "They're waiting for you to have brekkie with us."

"We've almost got the twins ready," I assure.

"Nana's almost got it done," he says, nearly accusingly.

"Well, we're about good to go, mate," Russell tells him. He hesitates for a moment, looking us both up and down, me especially, then, satisfied I'm none the worse for wear, says, ""Kay," and takes off.

My husband sighs as we each pack a child on our hip. "He hates me," he says again.

Now it's my turn to sigh. I KNOW Tyler doesn't hate his dad, but he's having a difficult time reconciling in his mind his parents are People Who Occasionally Have Sex. We're going to have to deal with this, and sooner rather than later. Mentally, I curse the child who told Lil about the birds and bees in the first place, and we go to join the rest of our family.

As soon as we get downstairs to everyone already gathered around the table, Jaden is squirming and struggling in my arms to be let down. I set him on his feet, and he's teetering off on his own to his grandpa, who picks him up and lifts him into his high chair.

Emily is content snuggling into her daddy. "When are you going to walk?" Russell croons to her, giving her a kiss. "I know, you just like being cuddled, that's it, isn't it?"

Lily and Tyler exchange a look of alarm mingled with dismay but say nothing. I glance at them and try to act like nothing happened. Of course, since there is nothing that tends to get by Russell, I notice he noticed but he doesn't say anything either as he pops Em into her chair and gives her another kiss.

"I have warm plates for you in the oven," Mum tells us both, and we go into the kitchen together.

When we're out of sight of the family, he asks me, "So, what's all this?"

"All what?" 

"What kinds of secrets are you and the kids keeping from me?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about," I tell him, innocently.

"Liss...I saw the looks they gave each other, and the looks they gave you. Something's up."

"I promised them I wouldn't tell," I say, staunchly.

"Oh...so there IS a secret." 

"It's a secret from you, and I told them I wouldn't let you in on it."

Now he's shamelessly snuggling into me himself. "Not even if I..." mindful everyone's in the next room, he murmurs it low into my ear, making me blush. "You did that last night."

"I'll do it again, and I'll betcha I can get you to talk," he says smugly. 

"No, you won't...." he's nuzzling me like he did before, and it feels so nice, I let him, even though I have no intention of spilling the kids' secret. My eyes are closed and I feel one of his hands caressing my butt, the other sliding under my shirt, warm on my bare stomach, when I hear someone clearing their throat. Very loudly.

We both break out of our sensual bliss to see our son standing there, little fists on his hips, that same disapproving look on his face as if he'd caught us both rolling around naked on the kitchen floor. "Grandma says can you bring the jam," he says, glaring at us both. "She yelled but you didn't hear her."

Before we can say anything he's off again. Now it's the two of us exchanging a look of dismay. "We're having a talk with him, after breakfast," Russell says, in his Maximus Tone once more, and I know just how serious this is.

Breakfast is a quiet affair, because Tyler is mostly silent. When everyone is finishing up, Russell asks him gently, "Son, can Mum and I talk with you for a bit?"

He looks apprehensive but nods. Lily is helping me carry things into the kitchen and wants to know, "How come I don't get to have a talk?"

Carefully I explain, "Because...Tyler's having a hard time with what we discussed last night, and we want to make sure things are going to be okay with him."

"About having a baby?"

I sigh. "More about the making of it, muffin." 

She rolls her eyes. "He doesn't get it 'bout the bunnymoon, right?"

I fight the impulse to smile at her reaction, because this is quite serious. Going back into the dining room, Russell and I take Tyler and go off where we can be alone and discuss things with him.

Russ holds his hand out to his son, who, after a tiny pause, puts his own hand in his. He reaches for mine on the other side, too, and I take it, smiling down at him with reassurance.

We settle in the den, opting to sit on the floor, sort of in a small, tight circle, so Tyler won't feel intimidated or like he's being interrogated. 

Glancing at me, Russell begins. "You know, Tyler, how we talked about things last night, and you said you were okay with the things your mother and I did."

"Yes." 

"Well, son, I get the feeling that you're not. That's why we're all here like this, so Mum and I can both understand why, and help you with that."

"But I'm okay with it, Daddy." He looks to me for assistance. "I really, really am." 

Softly, I explain, "Daddy thinks you hate him."

He looks bewildered and upset. "I don't hate you, Daddy. I don't." His tone is earnest and I know he's not lying, primarily because Tyler has always been a pretty bad liar. His adorable face shows everything. "I don't hate Dad, Mama."

"I'm glad to hear it," I tell him. "But you seem to be mad at him."

"I'm not mad. I'm not!" After a pause though, he confesses, "Maybe just a little." 

Russell lets out his breath, slowly. But before he can say anything, Tyler adds, "And I'm maybe mad at you, too, Mommy. Just a bit." 

"Why, sweetie?" We've always encouraged our children to express their feelings, and talk about things with us. Having him admit to being angry at both of us somewhat surprises me.

He looks like he doesn't want to say, while Russell and I wait patiently. Then he blurts out, "You love Daddy more than you love me!"

I don't know that this was what we expected. I'm shocked and even my husband looks taken aback. We look at each other, trying to communicate with our eyes how we're both going to handle this one. I knew my child was a Mummy's Boy but I never anticipated he'd be jealous of my relationship with Russell.

"I don't love Daddy more than you," I tell him. Russell gives me a look which I pointedly ignore. "And, I don't love you more than Daddy. Or Lily, or Jaden or Emily. I love each one of you equally, but in different ways." I'm not sure even where to go from here, because I wasn't imagining his troubles to be this deep. "Tyler...I love Daddy like a man and a woman love each other, like a husband and a wife should, how we discussed this last night. He's my partner in life, and in our marriage, and in taking care of and being parents to all of you. It's different the way I love each of you. You're my kids, and I love you because you are a part of me, and of your Dad...but each one of you are very special and unique, and you each have things about you that no one else has, that I love about you. Do you remember when I told you last night, that when each one of you was born, you filled a spot in our family that was waiting just for you?"

He nods. I look to my husband for strength, and when he gives me an encouraging nod, indicating he thinks I'm headed down the right track, I go on. "Well, you also filled a place in my heart that was waiting just for you. See, when I first met Daddy, I didn't think I would ever have room in my heart to love anyone as much as I loved him...but then we had Lily, and the space grew and made a spot for her. And then, I didn't think there was any room for any more love...but you came along, and it grew even more, making a special place just for you. When we thought we were having just one more baby, I thought, well, that's okay, I think I can fit one more in there. But then, we found out there would be two, and there was still room enough for Emily and Jaden both. Do you understand?"

He nods again. I tip his chin up and make him look into my eyes. "Do you, really?"

"Yes." But he still looks so sad. I have to fight the urge to cry. "But you still feel this way?"

Before he can respond, Russell takes over, his tone incredibly gentle and kind. "I think I might understand what you're feeling, son. I'm going to tell you what I think, and you tell me if I'm right, okay?" Tyler doesn't immediately respond, so he goes on. "I reckon, when we found out Mum was going to have first one baby, and then both babies at once, you were pretty excited that YOU weren't going to be the baby of the family any more. That made you feel very important, and grown up. But, after the twins got here, and you saw how much work they were, and how it took me and Mummy and even Nana and Papa to help look after them, I'm thinking perhaps you started to wish that you were still the baby of the family, because they took a lot of time and a lot of attention, and you were wondering if we had forgotten all about you." He pauses, and waits for Tyler's reaction.

A big, fat tear slides out of his eye and courses down his cheek. Dad's hit a nerve, and I think we've both hit upon the real root of his problem. I had worried about this before, and we both made a conscious effort then to not leave him out, but in the midst of Russell's arrest and crisis, and Lily's starting school, and then the flurry of activity getting ready for Jaden and Emily's joint birthday, I think we kind of let it slide. 

I add, "And then, when Lily started school...I know you miss having her around all day, and you probably feel like she's growing up and leaving you behind. She's doing things without you, and then, the babies still need other people to look out for them...and you're kind of in the middle, aren't you, peanut?" We're not rehashing all of this to be cruel, but rather in the hopes he'll begin to open up and we can start working through this with him. "Oh, Tyler. I wish you had told me and Daddy about this sooner, so it wouldn't have made you feel so bad."

Now my little boy's sniffling and beginning to cry. Russell intervenes. "You know what? I bet we'd be much more comfortable if we all sat on the couch and had a cuddle. Don't you think?" He reaches for Tyler, who literally throws himself into his arms, clinging to him. Holding out a hand to help me up, we settle there, our son tucked in between us. We sit close to him, offering our warmth and our love, and we take one of his hands in each of ours. He still sits there, miserably.

Cautiously I ask, "Have you been mad because Daddy and I have been spending so much time away together, without you?"

He nods. "You don't wanna be with me," he says.

"It's not that, mate, I promise." Tyler looks at his father, and I feel so badly for Russell, because I can see the concern so much on his face, trying to make this right. "I had a really hard time, and yes, I know it was my fault. I needed your mother, and I have to say, I was so glad she was able to be there for me, and help me. That's what Mums and Dads do for each other. I'm sorry it took us away from you, and I'm very, very sorry that it made you think we didn't want to be with you, because that's not true and it never will be. We love you and your brother and your sisters a whole bunch; it was just that we had to try to fix all of what was wrong first, so we could be together as a family again and take care of you in the way that we should. I know you tried to be big and take care of everyone, too, and we're both proud of you for that, but you're too small to have to worry about that sort of thing just yet. We just want you to be a kid and be happy for right now, that's all we think you need to worry about, all right?"

"Yes." I speak up and he turns his attention to me. "Sweetie, we need and we want you to be okay with everything, right now. We don't want you to feel angry or sad about this any more. You are so, so important to us. You know how you always say that families stick together? I think you are the glue that does that for all of us. We wouldn't know what we would ever do without you."

Russell tells him, "I think the middle is the perfect place to be, do you want to know why?"

He nods. His dad goes on, "Because you don't have to go through any of the hard or scary or weird stuff in life first. Lily's going to do that, because she's the oldest. But, you'll be bigger than the twins...and you'll know more than them...you can help them and guide them, and show them the way. I think you've kinda got the best of both worlds, mate. What do you say to that?"

He ponders this, then is his old self again, when he says, "I think we'd better not tell Lily 'bout this one, Dad." 

We laugh. He smiles. I ask him, "Are you truly okay with things now, Tyler?"

Nodding, he says, "Just don't forget me ever again. Ever, ever, ever."  

"We won't." I muse, "You know, I bet you felt like you did when you hurt yourself. It hurts right at the first, but then sometimes, it hurts worse and worse a little later on, even more than the beginning. Did you finally feel you'd had enough, when we read that book last night and Daddy described what we do when we love each other?"

Tyler nods. Then he sounds just like his dad when he pleads, "I'm okay with it, but I still think it's weird...can we not talk about it no more?"

I laugh. Russell gives an 'I second that' look. "I think that discussion is closed, now, honey."

"So," his dad wants to know. "Are we all best mates again?"

"Yep." 

"And you know you can come to us whenever you feel sad or mad, or something's bothering you, and we'll talk about it?"

"Yep." Then, "Mommy, can we just sit here like this for a little bit? Just me and you and Dad. I think I'd like that." 

I squeeze his small hand. Russell leans over and kisses him. "I think we can manage that. I think that sounds really nice right now, Tyler." 

We sit there for awhile with our son, just holding him and talking to him. Both of us tell him what makes him special to each of us, why we love him so, and why he has such an important place in the family. By the time we're through, I can tell from Tyler's demeanor that he's cheered up and we've done well building up his self-esteem.

He goes off to find his sisters and brother while we take a moment to pull ourselves together for what seems to be the two hundredth time now in two days. "I'm glad that's solved," I say, leaning against Russell for support.

Reaching to massage the back of my neck with his hand, he kisses my temple. I kiss him back. He smiles. "You did a real good job, talking to him as you did, love."

"I had no idea he felt that way." I feel badly for that, because I guess I've always kind of taken it for granted that Tyler is my happy-go-lucky, no-worries sort of child. Lil is more reflective and quiet, so I suppose I figured if anyone would have trouble dealing with things of this sort, it would be her rather than him. And he's usually so outspoken that to find he had sort of held it in, letting the feelings grow and his hurt and resentment build, for almost a year, bothers me as well. I can understand why he felt he couldn't come to either one of us, since we were the source of a lot of his pain, but we've both, Russell and I, worked so hard at building a marvelous relationship with each other as well as with our kids, one of openness and trust. I hope this single incident with Tyler will be an exception that will never happen again.

I ask my husband, "How did you figure out that was actually what was bothering him? Not you and I and the thought of us making love." 

He sighs. "It didn't really come together for me, either, until he said what he did in the way that he did. He seemed sort of confused, like he didn't really know what was bothering him or how to express it. And I got to looking at his face...he's like you, Liss, the kid's no good at hiding things...and I could tell that really wasn't it at all. Then I thought about everything that had happened recently, and what a fucking lot of upheaval that would have had to have been to the little guy, and it began to make perfect sense." Shaking his head, he adds ruefully, "I reckon picturing us in bed together, sharing and being with one another, even though he understands it's a grownup thing, was the final straw for him, last night."

"Well, I'm relieved this crisis is over."

He agrees. "I've had more than enough of them lately...how 'bout trying to create an ordinary, almost boring life for ourselves now?"

I laugh. "Despite what it may seem on the surface, our life is anything but ordinary and boring...but I could settle for at least uneventful for awhile."

Knowing us, uneventful will probably hold for no more than twenty-four hours or so. But still, I'll take what I can get. 

The day comes for the twins' birthday party. Like Lil's and Tyler's before them, we've decided to keep it a somewhat rather low key affair, no circuses in the backyard or anything like that, but it will be festive regardless, with friends and family around. My older two are very excited, although still residually disappointed that Emily's showing no interest in walking yet. Their enthusiasm for the rest of it, however, has carried over to the babies, who are joyful and bubbly, even though they don't quite understand why.

Mine and Russell's relationship with Tyler is fully mended. He's well aware of his place within our family and that both of us love him a great deal. I made him promise that if anything like this ever came up again, he would come to either of us straightaway before things become overwhelming for him. I know over the years my husband has harbored enough guilt over various aspects of his career taking him away from the children without actually knowing it's adversely affecting one of them directly. Both of us have made a conscious effort, especially during the time Lily's at school, to involve him in doing things with us and spending quality time with him as an individual.

Today he's being my helper; as guests arrive he's been taking their presents for the twins and generally showing people around, sort of like a mini-concierge. The house is full and loud; there are a bunch of children besides my own running around. Both of my babies thrive on attention; Jaden's happily toddling about, showing off his newfound independence; and Emily is content being passed around from person to person but is happiest when cuddled by her daddy or myself.

Finally, just when the chaos has reached fever pitch, I decide I'd best bring the cake in and settle all of the kids down before they get cranked up on the sugar again and start bouncing off the walls. Going into the kitchen, Russell helping me, we get their two big fat candles lit and start to bring it in.

Everyone quiets down, all watching me with the cake. Until Lily cries, "Mum, LOOK!" and they turn their attention elsewhere. 

I stop before I drop the cake from shock. Russell, thank god, has the presence of mind to take it from my hands and hurriedly set it on the table, but then we're both simply standing there, amazed.

Emily has pulled herself up, and in front of everyone, is taking her first steps unassisted. All of us are quiet as we watch her, her tiny face deep in concentration, cautiously come toward us. Lil looks as proud as if she was her own child, and Tyler is hushed, like a coach watching his star player attempt a difficult maneuver. Jaden, sensing the solemnity of the moment, hovers close by but is fine with letting his sister have the spotlight all to herself.

Very slowly and carefully, Russell lowers himself to her level, and waits. I have my hand pressed against my chest to calm my rapidly beating heart. When she's within one to two steps of him, he holds his own hand out to his daughter, and she puts her tiny one in it and lets him draw her close. She's beaming with pride, and looks to Lil and Tyler as if to say, "See? Mum told you I'd do it when I was ready to."

He stands with her in his arms and tosses her in the air. She giggles and then, everyone applauds her accomplishment. She claps, too, and then we're showering her with hugs and kisses.

I don't know about the rest of the family, but cake, ice cream and gifts are pretty anticlimactic after this special moment.