"So, what d'ya think?"

I lift my head to look at my husband. We've finally gotten the kids to sleep, no easy task when you're dealing with a four-year-old and a two-year-old, and the two of us are simply relaxing on the couch in our den. Russell's fully stretched out, and then I'm lying back against him, pillowed on his chest. He's absently playing with my hair in that particular way I know he enjoys; big fingers idly stroking through over and over again. "What do I think about what?" I ask, confused.

He sighs, but grins. "What we were talking about. You weren't even listening, were you?"

"No," I confess guiltily. "I was almost asleep. What...?"

"I asked what you thought, seriously, of this idea we've had over the last few months. Remember? We started discussing the matter right around Christmas. Whether or not we wanted to try to have another baby, Liss."

I remember. The two of us have been more than content with Lily and Tyler, but truth be told, now that we're both in our forties, if we're going to go for it, now is the time. Especially with Tyler having just turned two barely a couple of weeks ago, I know neither of us have wanted to space our children too far apart. We actually brought it up off and on soon after his first birthday but it was something I suppose neither of us took too seriously until recently.

There's something that's been niggling at me, and while I don't normally keep things from Russ, I feel now's the time to come clean. I look right into his eyes and he, sensing something important, stops playing with my hair, his arms encircling me close. "I want to," I say, softly, solemnly. "But I don't know if..."

"Liss, angel, we talked about that." He thinks I'm referring to the postpartum depression that crippled me shortly after Tyler's birth. "At least now we know, and we can watch for anything like that to happen again, you know? And get you treatment straightaway."

"That's not it." 

He brushes my cheek with his fingertips, his expression so full of love that I want to inexplicably cry at the beauty of it. "What, then?"

"I don't know..." I stop and try again, hesitantly, "...I don't know if it's possible." When he looks slightly perplexed, I explain. "I haven't been using anything since...since the first of the year...and nothing's happened yet."

Before he can say anything I rush on. "I know it wasn't right to tell you...but we both really wanted this, I thought...I figured I'd see what happened...but it's been months and usually...well, with Lil and then with Tyler, once we decided on it, that was that. It just happened right off. So maybe it won't work. Maybe we...maybe we can't."

"Lissy..." He makes me stop and look at him. "If it doesn't, we'll just deal with it. That's all." 

I just stare agape at him. "Look, baby, if we don't ever have another, that's fine, too. Those two kids...they're all I could ever have hoped to have. You're all I could ever have wanted, just you. Anything else...well, that's just an extra bit of happiness, too, but that doesn't mean we wouldn't be complete the way things are right now." He touches the corner of my mouth with a kind of reverence. "Would it?"

"No." After all the storminess and then the joy we've shared, he's right. I feel my life's so full as it is. And I know, too, at times the two of us think of our first child, before Lily, the one we lost before we even knew of it, but we can't keep wondering about the what-ifs, only rejoice in the present and our children we have with us now.

"All right then." He's so logical, is Russell. I love that about him, love nearly everything about him.  "Maybe if we both stop trying so hard, we'll get lucky, what d'ya say?"

I nod. 

"But," he says, that unmistakable sparkle in his eye, "that doesn't mean we can't get in a good bit of practice now and again, right?"

I laugh as he tickles me in the ribs and I know that no matter what, everything's going to work itself out and be fine between us. 

Later on, as he sleeps, I lie there in the semi-darkness, watching him, and thinking over all that he said earlier. 

He's right, you know. At first, when I met and fell in love with him, things took on the almost surrealistic quality of a dream. I mean, really---who would ever have imagined that I, of all people, would end up with HIM, of all people? Certainly not me. And it definitely took some getting used to, the unique and unusual aspects of Russell's life. The sort of living life in a fishbowl; merely walking down the street and having the photos appear in the papers the next day. The rumors, the so-called reputation of his that I almost immediately found out was no more than pure rubbish. The fact that never again would I need to worry about affording anything in my life ever; the contrast between the glitzy glamour of our 'movie star life' versus our easygoing, relaxed and more real one here at the farm.

And, our children. I knew, after we lost the first and went through all of that immense sorrow and pain, I knew, deep down, that having Russell's child wasn't what defined me to him as a woman, as his wife. I always knew...have known...that even if we never had another baby again, he loved me fully and unconditionally nonetheless and I would be enough for him. But first Lily, and then Tyler, proved to us that despite how fulfilled we both thought we were alone together, there was always room for our love to grow and fill our lives even more.

When we suffered the miscarriage, despite Russell's guilt and my grief, the two of us figured it was all some sort of a larger plan for us. That having that particular child, at that particular time in our life, wasn't God's will for us. I still to this day don't understand WHY, for sure, other than maybe it was to have us go through what we did and to make us stronger, bring us closer together. But, it's not my place to question. Maybe we're only meant to have Lil and Tyler, but, as I lie there in the darkness, Russell solid and warm and reassuring beside me, I can't help but ask that if we're meant to have just one more...

I close my eyes and snuggle against Russ; in his sleep, he wraps his arm around me and draws me in tight against him, and I feel the most amazing sense of peace and right come over me as I allow myself to finally fall asleep too, there in his embrace.

Maybe it was my heartfelt prayer that night; maybe it had already happened before that and I hadn't realized it. Maybe, as Russell jokes, we were finally able to relax and just let whatever take place, but a couple of weeks later, I somehow suspect we're indeed pregnant again.

Of course it could be the fact that, every morning I can't seem to start my day without spending some time in the bathroom getting intimately acquainted with chundering up my guts, in the most tiresome and dramatic way possible. Or, that, when Lil and Tyler both go down for naps in the afternoons, I've been tending to take advantage of the quiet and join them. I don't hit my stride until late afternoon, but then, when we go to bed, I immediately pass out and sleep like a rock, until the next morning when the whole crazy cycle begins all over. Russell's taken to being in charge for the first half of the day and giving me control over the second, and I thank God he's not in the midst of making a movie right now or I wouldn't be able to handle things.

After about the third day of this nonsense, we take the test together and despite the fact that I'm afraid to move much for fear of feeling nauseous, I fling myself into his arms as he looks undeniably and understandably smug. Then, I immediately have to lie down on our bed as I feel slightly dizzy and queasy, simultaneously.

He sits down on the edge of it and strokes my hair. "I hope you're not gonna be like this throughout, Liss," he says, softly, although I see the immense pride in his eyes at having, as he playfully puts it, 'getting me with child'. "You've never been like this before." With Lily, I was slightly ill at the very beginning, but it quickly wore off and we were just immersed in the wonder of the entire pregnancy. With Tyler, I felt fine from the get-go, probably because by then I had a toddler daughter to care for and therefore didn't have the time or luxury of allowing myself to be sick. "Well, it's not like I WANT to feel this way," I tell him, and he reaches to kiss my forehead.

"'Course not," he sympathizes, and then the kids burst into the room. Neatly, and without missing a beat after years of practice, Russell snares one in each arm before they can jump on the bed. "Mum's gonna rest, she's not feeling good," he explains. "Tell her bye and that you love her and when she's better, she'll come find us."

"Mummy..." Lil has a worried look and it reminds me of when she was small, after Tyler was born, and she was so concerned over my depression. I manage a smile for her. "It's all right, sweetie, go with Daddy, and after I get some sleep, I'll play with you."

"Okay." 

"Mama sick?" Even the little guy's brow furrows with concern. 

"I'm just tired, Tyler. I'm going to take a nap and then I'll come find all of you, like Daddy said, okay?"

"'Kay." They leave with their dad, but not before Russ quietly looks at me and asks "Tonight?" as in, do we tell them tonight about the new baby or wait until later?

Thinking makes my head spin just a bit so I shrug and he leaves to get our kids involved in some kind of usual mischief. 

When they're gone, I place one hand over my still-flat belly and tell the new tiny one, "What have I gotten myself into, with you?" Then, not wanting it to seem as if I was cursing the fates, I smile and give him or her an affectionate pat.

I feel really well later on that evening, so, after we discussed it amongst ourselves, we decided on telling the children after all. It's still early on in the pregnancy, and Russell and I have both been very careful in the past about keeping things quiet until we're sure they're all right, but both kids, Lil especially, have been concerned about my feeling ill. Rather than keep on worrying them, we thought we should explain so they would have a better understanding over what's going on.

That night the four of us gather on our bed for our nightly wind down family time, Tyler and Lily nestled in between us. Daddy begins. "We have some real exciting news."

Both of them look from him to me. I smile and explain, "We're going to have another baby! Isn't that exciting? You're going to have a little brother or a sister."

Tyler, who's always been a sort of go-with-the-flow kind of child, says gleefully, "Me not a baby no more." 

"No, that's right." I lean over and kiss him. "Because there'll be a new baby and so you'll be the big brother." I gaze at Lily, who's looking a bit in shock, her dark eyes wide. "And, Lil, sweetie, you'll be a wonderful big sis."

"NO!" Neither Russell nor I could be prepared for her reaction. She looks in turns angry, mortified, and confused. She sits straight up and then pulls away from the three of us, already scrambling off the bed. We all watch her, stunned.

"No! You can't! Take it back, Mummy!" There are tears in her eyes and I don't know what to say. "Make it go away, Daddy," she pleads, with a look that breaks my heart.

"Lil...we can't do that, love...why...?" Without another word, she flees the room, slamming our door, and then we hear her bedroom door slam, hard. 

Now I'm crying, too; Tyler looks highly puzzled, and Russell looks as dumbfounded as I'm sure both our son and I feel. When I would go after her, he tells me gently, "Don't just yet, Liss. Let her get it out of her system and then maybe I'll go talk to her."

I'm so tired all of a sudden, although thankfully the nausea isn't there. Lying back down, Tyler immediately cuddles next to me, my little rock, just as his daddy's my big one, and gives me a huge hug. "I happy 'bout the baby, Mama," he tells me.

I hold his small, sturdy body against me and soon he's sound asleep. I glance at Russ, over him, and he kisses me. "Relax, angel," he tells me. "We'll work it out right quick."

Closing my eyes, I hold onto Tyler and wonder what I ever did to upset my daughter so. 

I don't know if I actually slept or just dozed, but I think it's only been a short while. Russ has moved off of the bed and is sitting in the big chair in the corner, presumably, I suppose, trying to figure out what he should do next to see what's disturbed Lily. Tyler's still sleeping in my arms so I just lie there for a moment.

I hear the quiet snick of the bedroom door open and without raising my head I know it's Lily. Still resting there silently, I wait to see what happens next. 

Russell raises his head and all he says is, "Want to talk about things?"

Next thing I know, she's crossed the room to him and he's settled her on his lap. He doesn't speak for a moment, just wraps his arms around her and kisses the top of her head and waits.

Lil looks so sad that I feel tears come into my eyes again. She presses into her Daddy's chest and when she glances at us lying on the bed I quickly close my eyes and pretend to be asleep.

"Shh, so we don't wake them up," Russ tells her. Whether or not he knows I'm awake, I can't be sure, but I give him the benefit of the doubt and after a moment peek my eyes open to see him gently rocking her back and forth. Finally he stops. "Don't you think you're being a mite unfair to your Mum?" he asks her, in that deep, comforting rumbly tone he gets when he's trying to smooth over a rough patch of things.

Lily sniffles and won't look at him. I think she's now expecting to get in trouble for her earlier outburst. But Russell's always been a fair, understanding father, as I've tried to be as a mom to our kids. Reason, he's told me, always works better than anger, and we've tried to adapt that to our marriage as well as our roles as parents.

"We were so sad, Mum and I, before you came along," he tells her. 

She's surprised at this and lifts her small face to look at him. I know now he's thinking back to the miscarriage and our separation, and what it nearly cost us. "We were having a real hard time of things, Lil. But then...we found out we were going to have you, sweetheart."

"I...I made you happy again?" she asks him. 

He nods. "Well, there was us loving each other too, y'know...trying to make a go of it, 'cause that's what people do if they're sad but they're trying to make each other happy once more. But me and Mummy, we've always looked at you as our special gift."

"From who?" Now she's intrigued. 

"From God." We've always wanted to instill a sense of spirituality in our kids. "And, from each other. Mum gave you to me, and I gave you to her, to look after and love, forever. Why do you think you were born around Mummy's birthday?"

"I was her birthday present." The two of us have told her that since she was small. Russell smiles. "Yeah, you were her pressie all right, from God and me, for her birthday. And you were my Valentine's pressie, from Mum and from God. That's why you came straight in the middle."

"What 'bout Tyler?" She gazes over at us and I squeeze my eyes shut, hoping she won't notice the tears leaking profusely out of the corners. 

"He was a gift, too. From us to each other, and from us to you. Because we thought you'd be such a great big sister and because we didn't want you to be all alone and not have anyone to play with." I'm not sure if he's making all of this up as he goes, or if he thought the entire thing through before Lil showed up, but it's a beautiful explanation, I think. "Just like this baby, this new one, is a gift."

She makes a noncommittal sound and he goes on. "Do you know why, other than we wanted to give you brothers and sisters to play with, why we decided to have more kids than just you, love?"

When she looks at him again, he tells her, "Because you turned out so good that we decided we wanted more just like you." 

"Tyler's not like me." No, he's the polar opposite of his sister. More impulsive, more prone to mischief, and more rambunctious. Like his father, I must say. Russell laughs then, quietly, and then he looks right at me and I know he's aware I'm awake and listening. "No, he's not, but that's the fun of it all, I reckon." Then, "So, you don't have to be jealous of this new baby, sweetheart, we love all of you and there's plenty of it to go around."

"I'm not jealous." 

"You're not?" When she shakes her head, he asks, patiently, "Do you know what 'jealous' means, Lil?"

"Yeah...it means you're mad at someone. Because they have somethin' that you don't got, or you wish you could be like them." I'm amazed at her insight, at just four.

"Then why are you mad at Mum, angel?" Now I think we're both confused again. 

"I'm not mad at Mummy." She sniffs and I feel my heart twist for her sadness. "I'm scared." 

"Why?"

She's crying again and I want to go to her and comfort her, but I wait to see what she tells her daddy. "I don't want her to get sick again anymore." 

Insight dawns and my eyes fly wide open; Russell looks directly at me again but Lily doesn't notice. "That was really scary before to you, wasn't it, sweetie?"

"She was so sick, Daddy! And she was sad all the time. She cried and cried and we couldn't ever make her happy...now the new baby's making her sick and she's gonna be like that again and I don't want her to be."

"Oh, Liliana Banana..." He holds her close. "Right now, Mummy's not sick and sad like before. She's just sick because her body's not used to having a baby inside of it. Once it gets used to that, she'll feel better and it's gonna be fine." He makes her look right at him. "Then, if she gets sick after...well, I'm not gonna tell you she won't, and I'm not gonna tell you she will. We don't know. I don't know and neither does Mum. But, I will tell you that if we even think she's getting sick again, we'll get things taken care of and it won't get as bad as it was before. That I CAN promise you."

"You can?" She looks a bit doubtful.

"I promise, Lil, to do everything in my power to make sure she's all right." He's so solemn and serious as he makes her this vow. "I made a promise, to Mummy, and to you and Tyler, and even to this new baby, that I'll always love you and keep you safe. And I will never, ever break that promise. Okay?"

"Okay." She's so adoring and trusting of him. I'm sorry that my earlier trouble, after Tyler's birth, has so adversely affected her even to this day. I would never have imagined that she'd carry the scars of my previous bout with depression for so long. She was so small back then but it placed a great deal of responsibility on her that we never meant for her.

"I AM happy 'bout the baby, Daddy," she tells him.

"Yeah?" 

"Yep. I hope it's a girl," she whispers, and he hugs her. 

"But we'll be happy for either, right?"

"Yeah, but I REALLY want a baby sister," she admits. 

"Well, you're gonna be a terrific big sis, just like you are to your terror of a brother over there," he reassures her. "And will ya do me a favor? Tomorrow, will you talk to your mummy about all of this and let her know everything's okay? She loves you so much and she worries about you too, you know."

"I promise," she says, a look of absolute seriousness on her face. Russ lifts her down and then comes over to scoop Tyler out of my arms. So softly only I can hear, he whispers, "Everything's fine now, baby," to me, and then turns his attention back to Lily. "Let's get both of you put to bed now, and then tomorrow's a new day, right? So we can all start fresh and start thinking about getting ready for this new baby."

"That's a good idea, Daddy." She follows him to the door but not before she turns back and tells me, thinking I'm still sleeping, "I love you, Mummy." 

I wait until the door closes behind them and then respond gently, "I love you, too." 

A short time later, Russell returns. He smiles encouragingly at me as he sits down beside me on the edge of the bed. "You okay?"

I was, until this. My eyes well up and I bat at my tears with one hand. Russ captures it in his; wrapping his big, warm fingers around mine. "It's really going to be all right, Liss."

"God...I've really messed Lil up for life, haven't I?" 

"Shh." He fixes his intense gaze on me, the one that makes most people stop and pause. "Don't even think that way. That's all in our past, and we..." for emphasis, he covers my belly with his other hand, "we're starting fresh and new, remember? She was upset, just because she loves you so damn much, that's all. She worries about you and she's concerned for you, not angry by anything you have or haven't done for her. She loves you completely, and I guarantee, she's not looking at the whole picture just now because she's so concerned about you."

"But she doesn't have to worry so about me." 

Russ smiles. "She only does 'cause she's exactly like you, Lissy." 

I have to admit the truth in this. Where Tyler is like his Daddy, more headstrong and more...shall we say, more forcefully determined...Lily takes after me. More quiet and greatly sensitive emotionally.

"She'll talk about this with you tomorrow, sweetheart. Right now, she's even worried that you're the one who's mad at her, and I had to tell her otherwise." He kisses me. "Look, it's a new day tomorrow for all of us...why don't we go to sleep, too, and put this all behind us?"

I have to tell you, when we decided to add just one more baby to our brood, I had no idea that the little one would create such a stir already. But I agree with my husband, and as soon as he's in bed beside me, I snuggle next to him and suddenly feel that all will be right with our world.

The next day, Russell wakes before me, I manage to at least get up to use the bathroom and brush my teeth, but then, feeling still slightly off, I lie back down while he assures me he'll get the kids up and taken care of to start their day.

I have my eyes closed, not really asleep, when I get the distinct sensation that I'm being watched. Lily's standing in the partially open doorway, quietly knocking on the door with one small hand, gazing at me with her big, solemn eyes. "Come in, muffin," I tell her, reaching for her.

She crosses over and scrambles up on the bed, being careful not to jar me. I wrap my arm around her and gently tug her down. "Lie right here, beside me."

"I won't hurt the baby?" Her concern makes me smile. "No, you won't hurt the baby." She curls up next to me, resting her head on me, her hand on my tummy, and I cover it with mine and stroke her long, dark hair with the other.

Looking at both of our children, one can easily see the resemblance between them and then, both myself and Russell, although Tyler's little face is a mirror image of his dad's at the same age with a personality to match. But when you look at him, you can still tell he's mine, too. Lil, on the other hand, is a tiny reflection of me, physically, with the same dark brown eyes and hair. The shape of her mouth is Russell's, though, and there are other small things within her that speak of him. But from the moment she was born, Russell said she was a miniature of me, and I can see that so much more so now that she's growing. Rather than the softened, rounded-almost-chubby features of baby and toddler-hood that Tyler still has, she's got the clearly defined face of a little girl, with this absolute innocent wisdom in her expression that's always floored us, even when she was an infant, like she understands all of life and is waiting for the rest of us to figure it out. But she's still a child, with a child's fears and concerns, despite it all, and I hold her close to let her know everything will be all right.

"I'm sorry," she whispers, and I kiss the top of her head. "For last night?" I ask.

She nods. "I didn't mean to get mad, Mama. I just don't want you to get sick, like you were after Tyler was bornded," she explains. 

"I understand that, Lily," I tell her. "And I wish I could tell you that this time, I knew that it wasn't going to happen. But, I'm going to try so, so hard to stay strong and healthy. I have Daddy to look after me, and both of you, too, and I think...I really think that it's going to be okay. I'm almost sure of it."

"Really?" Lil has such hope, such trust in her eyes, that it humbles me to just look at her. "Really," I reassure. "I don't ever want you to worry, sweetie. For one thing, you're just too young to have to worry about big grownup things for such a long, long time...and for another, it's my responsibility and Daddy's to look after you and keep you safe. And even if I'm not strong enough sometimes, Daddy is one of the strongest people ever, and he'd do all he could to protect us and take care of us. So you and Tyler and even this baby won't have to worry or be scared, because we're both here for all of you."

"Forever and ever." To her, this is a statement, not a question.

"Forever and ever." 

This seems to satisfy her; she's quiet then, and the two of us lie there in companionable silence, her rubbing my belly and me stroking her hair. 

"ARE you excited about the baby, Lil?" I can't help but ask her. She lifts her head and looks at me, her face sweet and smiling. "Oh, yes, Mum...I hope it's a sister."

Smiling back at her, I say, "Don't you love Tyler? Wouldn't it be okay if it was a little boy?"

"I love Tyler, lots...and it'd be okay if it was another baby brother...but I really want a sister to play with." 

I lean down and kiss her. "Well, we'll see." 

"Are you scared, Mama?" Her question takes me by surprise. "Scared to have the baby, or scared that I'll get sick again?"

"Both." 

"A little," I admit. "It's always a little bit scary to have a baby...but it's much, much more exciting. Having you and then Tyler each was a different thing to have happen. Just as you're both very different kids. But both of you turned out so wonderfully and there isn't a single thing that I'd want to have any other way. As far as getting sick again, that scares me the most. But it's like I've told you, I'm going to do my very best to try to make sure it won't happen, and Daddy will look after me, and I think things will be okay. We just have to make the most of what we're given in our lives and things will work out fine." Afraid I've overwhelmed her with my philosophy, I ask, "Do you understand, Lil?"

She nods. "Sometimes you're scared but then if you were so scared that you didn't try to do anything, you might miss good things, too." 

I think back over a great deal of that. Russell's bout with depression, the miscarriage, our second separation, my depression in turn. Then the big, happy things---the births of our children, the renewal of our wedding vows on a beach in Hawaii, all of the tiny, shining moments that make up our everyday lives. And I think how, if either one of us had given up on the other through the trials, we would never have known the joys. With tears in my eyes, I give her a huge hug. "That's absolutely right."

"Why are you crying?" Lily looks concerned. 

I sniffle. "Because I'm happy." 

She shakes her head. "That's a weird grownup thing, I guess." 

I laugh and although she still looks slightly puzzled, she wraps her arms around me and snuggles into my side. 

Soon thereafter, we go to the doctor's in Coffs and confirm what we already knew; that I'm indeed pregnant. I'm finally starting to feel more like my old normal self although I'm thinking that the doctor was wrong about how far along I am...with Lily and then again with Tyler, I didn't begin to show significantly until I was about four or five months along. Now, I'm only supposed to be about a couple of months but look like I'm at least a month or two ahead of that. Of course, I attribute this to the fact that I've already had two children and my body's decidedly changed; also the fact that I'm older.

The fact that I AM older and my past history---the miscarriage and my preterm labor scare with Tyler--- has made the doctor want to keep a closer eye on me, so pretty soon, we're back to check out the baby's heartbeat and make sure I'm doing all right.

We left the children at home, and although it's been awhile for us, we settle into our normal positions, me lying there with Russell holding my hand at my side, as always, with ease. My doctor asks all the usual questions although during the physical exam he's awfully quiet and I can't help but wonder what's going on. Looking at my husband, I can tell he's noticed the same thing but he's trying to contain himself until it's time for us to know anything.

When the doctor hooks up the fetal heart monitor, we're both relieved to hear the sound of it, steady and strong, although it sounds different this time out, almost like there's an echo although it's off several beats. The doctor's silent again while he listens, shakes his head with a smile, and listens again. "Well, I'll be," he says, and looks at me. "Can you hear it?"

I feel all the color drain from my face and then the blood rush quickly back to my head so I feel slightly dizzy. Thank God I'm already lying down. "There's...?" I let the rest of the sentence go unfinished, but he grins. "Sure sounds like it."

"It sounds like it's echoing." Russell's listening intensely with that analytical mind of his. "There's not something wrong, is there?" 

"You're hearing two hearts, there, mate," the doctor explains. I watch him and wait for his reaction, still feeling a bit overwhelmed, although very, very excited and more than a small bit happy.

"The baby's got two hearts?" Now he's got what I privately have termed the "Maximus Look"---the one that says I've-been-dealt-this-blow-in-life-but-I'm-a-warrior-and-I'm-going-to-deal-with-it.  He looks at me with this stoicism that quickly turns to absolute bewilderment at the joy upon my face. "Liss?"

I squeeze his hand tight. "Two hearts," I repeat, slowly, waiting for it to sink in. "Two. Beating. Separately. In two different children." When he's still staring at me with that confused look, I tell him, "Because there are two babies in there." Then I watch him go completely ashen-white and he literally sinks into the chair beside me, still gripping my hand in his. "T...twins?" he stammers, at one of those rare occasions when he doesn't have anything else to say.

"Congrats," the doctor tells him. My husband's eloquent reaction is a poetic, "Fuck me swinging!" 

When I roll my eyes and would admonish him, the doctor says to me, "You should hear the ones that are having triplets or quads." 

"But..." Oh, I'm enjoying this mass borderline hysteria, greatly. "How did this happen?" he asks me, as if it was all my doing. 

"Well, honey, every so often, there are two eggs and two..." He runs his hand over and over through his hair, and I notice it's trembling quite badly. "Or a single egg splits," I add, helpfully, looking to the doctor for affirmation.

"That's when you get identicals," he agrees. "It's a bit early to tell that just yet." 

"Two." This is about the fiftieth time in less than two minutes Russell's said that word. "Twins don't run in either of our families!" 

"There WAS that cousin of mine..." I remind him. 

"Well, then you're doubly blessed," the doctor tells him. 

Indeed we are. And I really think my husband will think so, too, once this truly sinks in. Whenever that may be. 

"Are you upset?" I ask him, timidly, on the drive home. He's seemed rather preoccupied since we left the doctor's, although it could be nothing more than the fact that in his present state of mind, he's trying to concentrate on keeping the car on the road.

Russell looks at me, still with that stunned mullet look on his face. It ceased being hilarious awhile ago only because I have no idea what he's thinking. "No, of course not, Lissy. Are you?"

"No." I run my hand over the slight swell of my belly, finally understanding why I was so sick at the first and why I'm showing so much sooner and more readily now. "No, I'm not. I'm really, really excited. But...you...you're sort of scaring me, sweetheart."

He takes a deep breath, then carefully eases the car over to the side of the road and turns it off. "Because I'm in shock yet?"

"You're so quiet." I try to joke. "And that's not you." 

He grins at this, reaches over and runs his palm over my stomach, then takes my hand in his. "Words can't express what I'm feeling right about now." 

"Happiness...I hope?" 

Leaning over, he kisses me. "Liss, you don't know how happy you make me. How much these kids...all of them...give to me. But at the moment I want to laugh and I want to cry and I'm not sure either's particularly dignified at this point in time, y'know?"

I tilt my head to one side and gaze at him. "Fuck dignified. It's me. ME! God, let loose, will you, before you begin to totally freak me out." 

When he looks at me again, there're tears shining in those fathomlessly beautiful eyes of his. Then, he laughs, and I do, and soon he's hugging me tight and trying to pull me across the gear shift and into his lap. That doesn't work, so soon we're leaping out of the car---thankfully we're at a point where there's not a whole lot of traffic out here---and we're both literally dancing about, leaping up and down, until he lifts me on the hood of the car. "Better take it easy, love."

I smile, holding his face in between my hands as he stands there between my knees, and then he kisses me slowly and gently. This is more like it. When we part he asks, comically, "What ARE we going to do with four kids?"

Laughing, I reassure, "The same as with the two, I suppose. Love them and spoil them senseless. Let's go home." 

If I thought his reaction was unusual, the kids' is even more precious, that night, when we tell them as we all sit on our bed in our room. 

Tyler laughs, something that Russell and I have both been doing at assorted moments since we found out. "That funny," he says. "One for me and one for Lil."

"That works out great, doesn't it?" asks Daddy. We both look at Lily, who's gone completely still and silent, absorbing this. Then she breaks out into a huge smile.

"Cool," she responds. "Maybe they'll BOTH be girls." Then, "Did you order another baby or did we have two the whole time?"

"Two the whole time," I tell her. 

"Wowie. We're really lucky, then," she says. 

Russ looks at the three of us around him...well, the five of us, I remind myself, amusedly...and I know he's thinking exactly what I am. "Really lucky," he echoes, and I nod in utter agreement.

I think by the next day, the realization that we're having two babies and not just one has fully sunk in with both of our current children, because at nearly every available opportunity, there's a comment or a question.

Tyler: "Boys or girls?"

Me: "What?" (This due to the fact that we're currently in the middle of dressing him and he just woke up; I'm a little bleary myself and am having a hard time following this flow of chatter.)

Tyler: "Boy or girl babies, Mama?"

Me: "We don't know yet, peanut." 

Tyler: "Not want girls. I already gots Lily." 

This makes me laugh because apparently he already told the same thing to his Dad, the night before. Lily tends to boss him, just a bit, and as Russell put it, he doesn't want any more Mini-Mums to have to account to, even though he'd be older than any girls we might/might not be expecting. He wants backups in the Blokes Department, and I have to love him for it. He's so much like his dad.

Lily: "How are two babies gonna fit inside you, Mummy?"

Me: "That's a very good question, sweetie. I guess they'll be okay, although it might get a bit squishy in there for them when they get bigger." 

Lil: "What if you pop, like a big balloon?" (And she's genuinely concerned about this possibility. Me, I'm not so sure that wouldn't or couldn't actually occur.)

Me: "I'm fairly certain that won't happen." (Not convinced.) "Daddy will make sure that we're all okay, I promise." 

This pacifies her, and while I hate heaping so much responsibility onto Russell (forget Maximus, the Savior of Rome; he's our family's personal knight in shining armor), anything to keep my daughter from worrying at this point works for me.

Lil: "Maybe next time...we'll have THREE!"

I blanch at this one and don't have an appropriate response. 

Tyler: "How they get in there?" (Pointing at my belly.)

Me: "Umm...err...go ask Daddy." 

Lily: (to Russell): "Daddy, how did you make two babies inside Mama's tummy?"

Russell: (looking like he wishes the floor would open up and swallow him whole): "Why don't you bring that up with Mum, love?"

Me: "He did that very, very carefully." 

Lil: "But..."

Both of us: "It's really a grownup thing." (Massive disappointment.) "We'll explain it all when you're a bit older." 

Lil: "When I'm five?"

Russell: "That's a WONDERFUL idea, Lil." 

Privately, I don't doubt she'll remember this and want a full explanation of all things grownup the morning of her next birthday. 

We, too, take turns, Russ and me, alternately being The Calm One and The Slightly Panicked One, off and on. The morning after finding out, after trying to satisfy the kids' curiosity that seemingly bloomed overnight, I find him standing absentmindedly in the middle of the playroom. "We're doubling our family, in one shot," he says, when I come up behind him and wrap my arms around his waist. Ducking under his arm, I then slip around his front and let him hold me.

"We doubled our children from one to two, with Tyler," I remind him. 

"Going from one to two," he says, "is totally different than going from two to four. Trust me, Lissy." 

"Wow, you can do math! That stint as John Nash really paid off," I tease him. 

He's not amused although he soundly kisses me. "I really wouldn't wish it any differently, angel," he reassures me. "But I still don't know how in hell we're going to manage four of them."

"We'll be fine," I tell him. At this point it's more anticipation for me than a sense of impending anxiety. 

Later it's my turn to be the crazed one as I watch Tyler attempt to feed himself spaghetti for lunch. "If we have two more Mini-Yous..." I tell my husband.

He just grins and says nothing. He's got the upper hand for the moment but any time now the roles will reverse once more. 

Things have finally (sort of, mostly) settled down to normal when one day, Russell comes up behind me while I'm fixing lunch for the kids and whispers in my ear, "Run away with me."

I turn my head to look at him over my shoulder and he kisses me. From the expression on his face he's quite serious. "Where, the hall closet?" I ask.

"No, I've been thinking..." he begins.

"That never bodes well for any of us," I tease, but I smile and face him. 

"In a few months, things are really gonna get crazy, Liss. They'll never be the same. They'll be great, sure, but we're not going to have much time to ourselves, let's face it. So...I was thinking, while you can still travel a bit, and we can get away, that the two of us go to Sydney for awhile, to be alone together."

"How long?" This idea holds great appeal, but I don't want to burden his parents too long with our active, enthusiastic children, although they're always quite well-behaved for their Nana and Papa.

"A week or two...you can get the tests done that Dr. Connor wants you to have there, and then by that time we'll be finding out the sex of the twins...Mum and Dad can come bring Lil and Tyler and we can all find out together, have a bit of a family holiday before deciding what to do next."

"Okay." 

"Great, 'cause both Dad and Mum are really looking forward to having the kids to themselves for awhile, too." I look at him and thrust two plates with peanut butter and jam sandwiches in his hands. "Damn you, you've already planned all of this without me!"

He has sufficient remorse to look terribly guilty, but I soften the blow by kissing him back. Then, Lily and Tyler are both running into the kitchen and our moment of total alone couples' time is at an end.  "When do we leave?"

Tyler and Lil are both pretty understanding about us leaving them for awhile, although at first Lily thinks we're going to find out the sexes of the babies without them, and Tyler thinks I'm going off to GIVE BIRTH without them. We have to convince them that no, we're just going, won't have any fun they're not included in (ha), and they'll be joining us shortly.

So soon, we're off, and although Sydney is a much different vibe than being at the farm, for one thing, we definitely lack privacy whenever we go out here, it still feels like home, because we're in our own apartment. But it's certainly very quiet without our kids. Because I'm only about four and a half months along but look like I could be at least a month further, we had no choice but to announce my pregnancy, although we're wanting to keep the fact there are two babies a secret for a bit. Russell's been deliberately vague about my due date so as not to cause undue speculation, for whatever good that does as it always happens anyhow. We figure as soon as we know what we're having, that's one thing, but this time for us has always been something treasured and special and we like to keep things as private as possible.

Our second night there, I find him after supper out on the terrace, in worn jeans and one of his ever-present flannel shirts, barefoot, gazing out at the night and the stars. He looks so reflective I hate to disturb him, but somehow, with that second sense we both have with each other, he senses me there and turns around. I fell asleep on the couch soon after we ate and he covered me and let me while he came out here.

"Looks like I'm overdressed," he comments, taking in my loose-fitting white shirt (it's actually one of his dress shirts I stole out of his things in the closet) and my long, flowing, black peasant skirt.

I lift the hem enough for him to see my own bare toes peeping out. "No, this was just more comfortable," I tell him, coming to stand next to him. 

"Your clothes are already getting too tight?" he asks with alarm. I went maternity clothes shopping earlier today, as yesterday when we arrived we were both tired and trying to settle in. Laughing, I shake my head. "No...They're fine...but it just feels better being in baggy, loose clothes, especially after we've eaten," I explain. "I know I'm truly expanding by the minute, but it's not THAT quickly, I don't think."

"I don't know...each time I look at you I'd swear you're changing before my eyes." He takes my hand in his and leads me back to the table and chairs. As soon as I'm settled, he pulls his up to face me and then draws my feet up in his lap and begins rubbing them. I almost purr with pleasure. "God, that feels good. Don't stop."

"I won't." He pushes the skirt up over my ankles and massages with sure, strong fingers. I close my eyes, head dropping back, and relax under his gentle care. "Liss?"

"Mmmhmm."

"I think we should stay here until the babies are born." 

I abruptly open my eyes, lifting my head, and look at him. "You've thought this one out, too, without consulting me," I accuse. My hands curled protectively around the babies, I glare at him and attempt to pull my feet away. He wraps his hands around them to hold me still and tries to get me to listen to him.

"I know it's rougher here. I know you resent going out and being followed, and photographed. I hate it, too. And I hate the thought of it happening to the kids." That's an understatement. We have what could most politely be described as a very prickly relationship with the press. "But I'm thinking of what's best for you as far as the pregnancy goes, and the twins."

"Running around, trying to avoid being chased by a mad photographer or being run down by reporters is what's best for us?" I do NOT want to fight. And truly, I don't think he does, either, but this has opened up an entire can of worms. "Why can't we stay on the farm?" I ask, sounding strangely hauntingly like Lily at this point.

"Lissy...think about it, love. If something were to go wrong...not that it will," he says firmly, "...it'd just be too risky. We're not close enough to get help quickly enough, and I don't want to chance your life or the babies' if we don't have to."

I've thought about this, too. That is why we're here having tests, as a matter of fact, because Dr. Connor, the high-risk specialist obstetrician that helped me when we had our miscarriage, is going to handle the twins' delivery and make sure it goes well. And while I guess I knew deep down that they would be born here after all, I still already ache for the quiet serenity of our other life, which seems so far removed from this one.

"If anything were to happen to you..." Russell's voice trails off and I can see the caring and love in his eyes, "...but it won't. I'm going to see to that."

"I know," I tell him, with the same simple trust that Lily, and Tyler, holds for him. "I know that." And I also know firsthand his struggles to keep a sense of normalcy, of being firmly grounded; of trying to keep his work and his celebrity completely apart from what he considers to be his 'real' self, with me and the kids. Especially FOR the kids. I've seen, so much, how hard it is for him sometimes, and I truly don't mean to add to his burden, but I'm trying to envision the next few months living in a fishbowl, and it's neither desirable nor pretty. But, to this point, we've handled every curveball life has thrown our direction with strength and courage, if not also a whole lot of humor and love.

"We know what's real," I whisper, and he nods. "Yeah, we do." 

He looks at me for a long moment, silently pleading with me to understand, and I sigh. "All right. On one condition." 

"What's that then?"

"When the kids get here, with Mum and Dad, we find out what the sexes of the babies are, together, as we've planned. Then, we all go back to the farm. And we spend as long as we can there until we absolutely have to come back here."

"We stay," he agrees, compromising, "until you're almost to seven months. That's the longest I'll let this go. Then we absolutely come back here, just to be safe. Deal?"

"Deal." As if I were his agent, we shake hands to seal the bargain. Then we settle back as we were before. He runs the pads of both thumbs against the arch of my foot and I let out an orgasmic moan. When I gaze at him, he's stopped and is looking at me with that slow smoldering hot look that makes my heart skip a beat. I feel a flutter down low in the depths of my stomach that I know isn't coming from either of the babies.

"We're alone now," Russell reminds, in that decidedly husky tone I love so much. "No kids..."

I stroke over the small mound at my middle and smile. "Well, pretty much so." 

He grins. "You want to maybe...?"

With my free foot, I stretch my toes out and wiggle them suggestively against his groin. "I can tell you really want to." 

He pins it to him, to stop me from caressing him, but I firmly rub the entire sole of my foot over him then, up and down, until he groans. "Stop that." 

"I don't think you really want me to." Lifting my legs off of his, I rise and come to stand directly in front of him. "Do you?"

"No." Softly he adds, "Turn off the light."

Up here, we're not able to be seen from the street below; and in fact, even from a boat in the Harbour with a telephoto, it'd be difficult to get any money shots but neither of us want to take a chance of a picture of us hot and heavy appearing on the front of next morning's paper. So I go turn off the terrace light; the light filtering from the inside of the apartment and the moon and stars is enough for us to see each other by. Coming back, I straddle his lap, my skirt billowing around us in a dark pool. He pushes it up in the front, tugging at the hem of his white shirt on me. "Where are you in here?" Unbuttoning the shirt from the bottom up about halfway, he slips the waistband down to expose the round swell of my belly. "There you are." His hands are warm, curving over the vulnerable softness. "And you...and you..." he makes me laugh as he gives them a fond pat. Then he slides both hands under my skirt to find me, stopping in surprise. "You've got nothing on under here!"

"Good observation." I lean forward and kiss him, my own fingers already going to the front of his jeans. One palm still stroking over my bottom, he flips open the rest of the buttons on my (his) shirt, pushing it open to gaze at my bared breasts. "Fuck, Liss!"

"I'm getting there, if you'd just be patient." The corners of his mouth twitch and then he can't help it and breaks out in a huge grin. "Naughty, naughty girl."

"I can't help it, I told you, all these pregnant hormones make me horny." He laughs then. "You, pregnant, makes me horny. Have I ever told you that?"

"No, but I've seemed to notice that, over the years."

"You're the most beautiful thing I've ever seen, pregnant. Or not." Very tenderly, he cups my breasts in his hands, thumbs gently brushing over my nipples. I sigh. "Oh yeah, as big as a house, with my stretch marks and leaking breasts, my ankles swollen as big around as your arm."

"I'm serious, Lissy. I love looking at you like this." I've gotten his shirt open and he draws me in close so our bodies are touching from the waist up. "You've got this sort of radiance, like you're lit from within...and there's this kind of pagan, earth-goddess thing about you..." I just look at him; he's absolutely serious.

"I love watching my child grow inside of you, knowing it's ours, and that we made it, together. Children," he amends, his smile making my heart skip as he gazes down at the fullness of my tummy pressing into him. "Watching you grow full and big, and feeling the babies move. Seeing you give life, knowing that I'm a part of that, too...it's hard to find words to describe it all."

I'm still just gazing at him with wonder. "Those are the perfect words," I whisper. Then he's lifting me up, over him, and I close my eyes as I feel him enter me, envelope me, fully and deeply.

Sex isn't routine for us; although it takes on many forms, as I imagine it would with any couple that's been together for awhile. There's the kind that sometimes is almost like a 'you're here, I'm here, let's just do it' sort of thing, that, for all its plainness, is still sweetly satisfying, there's the animalistic, I've-got-to-have-you-NOW sort, there's the silly, goofy, laughing and chatting throughout kind that's more often than not what we have, which is intimate in its own right because you can really only do it that way with someone you love and completely trust; and then, there's this.

I've tried to tell you about it before but I'm not sure I can express what it's like. It's like the sexual part of it kind of becomes the background and what it really is about is a total blending of the rest of us, emotionally and spiritually. And while I feel totally connected to him on all of these other levels, this one is the most meaningful one of all. I firmly believe it was moments like this one that every one of our children were created. Not that the rest isn't nice, too, but it's like he just said, it's hard to find words to describe it all.

Afterwards, I just stay like that, on his lap, and he just holds me, still within me, and we're quiet, there underneath the night stars. I wish I could freeze time, keep this way for awhile if not forever, but we've got two new babies to look forward to.

The idyll lasts for another day or so when he does it again. I know he can't help it, the nature of his ways was set long before he met me, but damn if it doesn't get on my nerves.

Russell brings it up as casually as asking what we're going to have for dinner. "We're going to have to start checking out people."

"What are you talking about?" I think he realizes almost immediately he's opened up another one of those proverbial cans, because he's visibly fumbling for a way to soften the blow, so to speak.

"To look after the kids." 

"I am NOT hiring a nanny, Russell, I don't care what you say, but I'm not going to do it! I can take care of them, I know I can, and I'm not going to let our children be raised by hired strangers."

"Well, not that..." although I can tell that this has crossed his mind, because he looks a tad guilty, "I was thinking someone to guard the kids."

"We have David." He's more family than anything at this point, although I feel he handles looking after us with great commitment, even with his personal feelings towards us. Lily and Tyler love him like a second grandparent and he treats me like he was my dad.

"Liss, you can't expect him to look after five people, four of them small children. It's unfair to heap that sort of responsibility on him." He's right, of course, and I don't have a problem with admitting such, but it's the fact that once again, he's thought this completely out without my input that stings so badly.

"Damn you!" I tell him. "I'm not taking the kids out with an entourage! Do you realize how ridiculous that'd look, us traipsing around with another half a dozen people following along behind?"

"Liss..."

"Don't sweet talk me, Russell; you're bloody well doing it again! We agreed that any major decisions involving the kids would be made by both of us! Me and you, not you going ahead and making all the decisions and leaving it up to me to agree when it's already as good as settled! I can't believe you're doing this!"

"We're talking about it now, sweetheart." But it gives me a tiny spark of satisfaction to see how guilty he looks over this one. 

"No, YOU'RE talking about it and what am I supposed to say or do?"

"You're supposed to say that you're willing to talk about this! Goddamn it, Liss, do you think I LIKE to worry about your safety and keeping the kids protected any time we go anywhere? Do you think I WANT to walk around with a fucking entourage, as you put it? Do you think I ENJOY remembering what it was like to hold you and wonder if you were going to die?"

"What?" Now I'm a bit confused. "When was that?"

He's running his hands through his hair like he does when he's extremely agitated. "When you had the miscarriage," he says quietly. 

Now, I'm here to tell you that the hurt of that never truly goes away. I don't think it ever will nor would I really want it to. We loved that little one, and although I'm certain that neither of us dwell on it anymore, you can't tell me there haven't been moments that we don't wonder what that child would have been like had it lived and been with us now. I know Russell's pain and guilt ran deep over it, and I would never make light of it, even after all this time. But the fact he's brought it up now concerns me. I look at him. "Oh, darling..."

"You don't know what it was like," he tells me. "I won't ever fully understand what it was like for you, but you won't ever know what it was like for me, either. When I found you, bleeding, there..." he gestures in the direction of the bathroom, "...and all I could do was hold you, I didn't know what was wrong or whether you were going to live or die...and all I could think of was if anything happened to you I wouldn't want to live either."

"Oh, god..." I take his hands in mine. "Please, don't." 

"No, Liss." He's not quite looking into my eyes, but somewhere beyond me, as if he's seeing or remembering something that I can't ever touch. "I'm not blaming myself for it, honest. I'm never gonna be fully okay with it, but I still feel that way, when I look at these babies, and I think about what might go wrong, or I look at Lil and Tyler and worry about keeping them safe. If anything were to happen to any of you, I don't think I could fucking take it. And I don't want to take a single chance on that."

"Not," he goes on, "that I don't want us to live our lives to the fullest, either. That also taught me that. But if I can do anything never to feel that way again, I'm going to do it. If it came down to you or these babies...it might make me sound like a fucking lousy father, but I'd choose you, every time. When these kids DO arrive, however, I'm going to do all I can to make sure you're all safe."

I take a deep breath, let it out, and just stare at him. 

"Besides which," he explains, "all I was thinking about was someone to help you with the kids, the times when I can't be around. I'm sure as hell not getting rid of David, and I'm not letting anyone else raise our children, either...I'm just thinking, when I'm not there, you might want an extra pair of hands to help you with them. And it couldn't hurt to have someone who's trained to protect, as well. And the most important thing, we all get along with him or her and the kids love that person, that's most definitely gonna be one of my---our---major objectives here."

I open my mouth and shut it again. "I'm sorry," I tell him finally. 

"No, I am." Then, "I love you." 

"I love you, too," I say. 

"When I'm here," he says, "which will be more and more, I can promise you...it'll just be us. Me, you and the kids. The way it should be." 

"It'll always be me, you and the kids," I tell him. "The way it should be."