We were firmly entrenched in winter now; the sky was washed in a grey pall and the trees in the park stood naked and barren. I shivered, even in the warmth of his sumptuous rental, as the fire danced before us. The mood we shared was languid and comforting.

We were lying on the couch, with two more days to go. Where we were going, he wouldn't tell. I was reading an autobiography of a poet, he a technical book on a future film. Dry reading, I would think. Every so often, I could hear a soft snore. His head was resting on my thigh, but I found it comforting and the view wasn't bad.

I raised my right hand to touch his hair; I thought it was glorious. Chestnut with golden strands, thick, wavy and soft.  It was way too short for my liking right now, but he promised it would grow soon. I began to run my fingers through it as he snorted and wriggled at my touch.

He was dozing on and off.

"You know there are a lot of women out there who love your hair."

"Yeah, I know," he said matter of factly. He turned a page.

"Oh really now, aren't you full of yourself?" I snickered.

"Hey, I know what goes on out there, what they say. And it's good hair, I won't be modest."

"Are you ever?"

"Nah, not really."

Gabe was bored and wanted to party in the evening; I had no such desire, preferring to stay at home, being as far away from people as I possibly could. He adored being surrounded by noisy friends, drinking and carrying on. He rarely spent a moment alone.  I had spent most of my life blending into the wallpaper and looking away as I passed acquaintances. I am a certified curmudgeon. I almost dreaded our trip to nowhere knowing how he likes to mingle.

Home to me was being curled up into a ball; seeing no one and doing nothing. When my quirky tendencies acted up I imagined myself living in a universe without those who inflict pain or those who die.

But the present state was delicious and a smile inhabited his face as I tended to his luscious locks. 

"Don't stop," he purred. 

"I should wash your hair," I volunteered.

"Not now, I'm too happy. Don't wanna move, luv." His eyes remained closed as I fingered his curls. Before long, I was snoozing as well. That was the most content I had felt in what seemed to be a lifetime.

The evening was a disaster. I should have expected it as soon as I saw an old boyfriend walk into the club. Not a place I'd usually see him in. I felt glued to my spot and all my warning bells were going off. He strode purposefully over to me, hugging me, in full view of Gabe....

I introduced them as Gabe smirked at him. Gabe left to go to the loo and Mr. Wrong and I chatted amiably as old friends do. Being slightly intoxicated, his arm found its way over my shoulder and we huddled.

Then I felt a swish of a blustery wind behind me. It was, of course, Gabe the tornado, creeping up behind me.

He slapped my friend's back. 

"So, what's up with you two?" he chided. I shivered involuntarily 

My friend picked up on his combative disposition and backed away. They made small talk for a few tense minutes as Gabe glared at him and my friend left to go along his way.

"I'll be seeing you around, kiddo," and he winked at me. 

Gabe's eyes were daggers.

"What the fuck was that all about?" he roared. Some people sitting close to us turned our way. 

I leaned over so I could whisper.

"Gabe , he's an old boyfriend and he just happened to walk in here. I haven't seen him in years..."

"Really?" 

I could feel the tears at the back of my throat, like bile. I pressed my hand on his, "Please Gabe , don't make this into a thing. It was a chance meeting. We've had such a nice day."

He glowered at me and I remembered why I had second thoughts about him. The temper that raged and the words that could sting. One tear fell on my cheek. And that territorial thing he had.

"Please," I pleaded. It was obvious he thought of me as his property, or close to that. This was not the time for confrontations, but for keeping the status quo.  We could squabble in the morning, when the lights were on, not here in the dark, where bad things lingered. I didn't look up at him.

He held my face with his hand.

"I'm sorry luvie, I'll take us home now. I do have a bad jealous streak, ya know?"

I nodded in the darkness.

"Yes, I know, Gabe." 

The music reverberated and surrounded us as we squeezed past the kitchen to make a hasty retreat through the back door. As usual, the SUV was idling at the curb, waiting for us. In spite of my demeanor, my blood was boiling. How dare he? But I remained tight lipped. We would talk when he was sober.

We barely talked or touched, so deep was our need for oblivion. I stirred as the sun poured into his draped windows; I was braced for the worst. Gabe stumbled as he slid out of bed; I knew he hoped the aspirins were near.  I rolled over and faced him. He bent down to look me in the face and I noticed he smelled like a wet dog just in from the rain. I pulled back.

"Baby," he started.

"Yes, Gabe, I know. Sometimes you're so difficult to be with. Last night...you acted like a real asshole."

"I'm so sorry honey, really, it'll never happen again." Another lie to cross his lips. I knew he wanted to believe that, but I didn't. I hugged him anyway, hoping it wouldn't happen sooner rather than later. He lovingly tousled my cropped hair, grazing his lips against mine.

"You smell like a dirty dog," I said mockingly and pushed him away. He smacked my bare ass, turning quickly so I couldn't reach him. 

He meant well, of that I was sure. But a tear still slipped from my eyes, falling on the comforter. 

Please God, don't let him hurt me. And if he does, I will hurt him.

And I knew he would. That thought lay in the back of my mind, always hovering, offsetting any joy I felt. But I had learned to live with that all my life; I knew I was different from anyone else. The past couple of years just made me dig my heels in even more.

We spent the rest of the day packing, making love, dodging photographers who seemed to sniff us out, scanning the shelves at Rite Aid for last minute necessities. How those paparazzi found him I'll never know. As the time drew nearer, I grew more anxious. A whole week away with him? Would we kill each other?

Or even worse, would we fall in love?

More than anything, I felt a pang about leaving Ruby. She had a wonderful babysitter, but the thought of being without her for a week or even longer, seemed like an eternity.

Boarding the plane, I vacillated between wanting to run and feeling high, kind of like just before you get on a roller coaster, flushed and tingling.

The private jet ride alone must've cost more than my yearly salary, but that's how Gabriel liked to do things. Sometimes, just as a grand gesture, everything in his life was BIG, and sometimes done to impress.

Especially to a lowly peon such as myself, who always traveled coach. 

I was duly impressed. I tried very hard to appear cool, I've-done-this-before look plastered on my face. Gabe snickered 'cause he knew better. Somehow the flight seemed lighter and swifter than any I had ever taken before.

Aspen, Colorado. I grinned, but guilt chipped away at that.  I got what I wanted, not necessarily what he wanted, but we could keep each other warm. A lovely, warm, 5 star hotel nestled at the foot of the mountains. Huge marble fireplace in the lobby. Discreet employees brushing past, making sure not to interrupt or make eye contact.

I nearly jumped for joy when I saw the suite. The living area was lush, comfy in muted tones. Not exactly my taste, but luxurious enough. The bedroom on the other hand, with its silk comforter, various love seats and stone fireplace was more welcoming. The bathroom was the size of my whole apartment and it was decked out in Aveda products (which I knew I would steal) a shower with two showerheads and a large Jacuzzi. Oh, and of course, a bidet, which I loved to sit on and flush. Whoosh, warm water sprays on your privates.

The spurt reminded me, vaguely, of Gabe's juicy mouth. The mouth that never stops, the fingers that tease and satisfy and unleash a me that was a stranger.

The kind of sex that makes you weak in the knees and hurts your tummy cause of all the humping you do. My abdominal muscles were never this tight and sore and the thought of his naked body made me dizzy, literally.

We were tired after the plane ride and it was late, so we decided to bed down for the night. I ran to the marble bathroom to run a bath, but I had a feeling someone was sneaking up behind me. Thinking fast, he darted in front of me, fiddling with the Jacuzzi's faucets.

"A little soak, love? I'll wash your back." 

I actually blushed under his steady gaze. Graceful, nimble thing that I am, I slipped and fell on my sorry ass. I attempted a feeble laugh. Gabe, ever the gentlemen, reached under my armpits, dragging me bodily into the huge tub.

"Does that happen often, luv?"

He was laughing so hard, he snorted. 

"Does that happen often, luv?" I mimicked and pushed my elbow into his ribs. 

"Oh yeah, I'm a klutz, I'm always falling or tripping, usually over my own two feet." Now, I was embarrassed. Can't even climb into a tub anymore. He started the warm water and I felt myself start to drift. I sank in, enjoying the heat, the dark night and the quiet. Gabe did want to bathe me, starting on my shoulders, using a large, thick washcloth and some French lilac soap that was placed on the counter.

I could actually hear the wind outside; it sounded furious in its strength. One tree in particular was swaying; its branches tapping lightly on the window. It was almost soothing. And here I lay, in this steaming tub, with this delicious man as he tended to my body with loving care. I could see the fire in his eyes as he cleansed my breasts.

I let myself slide in further, trying to be in the moment, as they say. Very hard for me to just let go and I'm never completely comfortable with anyone. That's my nature. I cooed as he tweaked my nipples, delighting in my reaction. I opened my eyes and drank him in. He dropped the washcloth, pulling me closer. I could smell the beer on his breath as he nuzzled me.

He began to slowly suck at my nipples. I noticed my legs spreading wide open in response and he stopped for a moment, leering at me.

"I love it when you do that, then I get to see everything." He actually pushed me against the back of the tub, examining my swooning cunt.

"Beauty" he whispered as he fingered my soft folds, inserting a plump finger. It was almost embarrassing and delicious at the same time. He always made me feel very wicked, brazen even. I clung to the tub as he watched my face, fingering me, tweaking my erect little clit.

"Oh baby," he murmured. 

"Come for me, baby, come on my hand... squirt me, darling...all your juices, that's it, baby...."

Between the scorching look he gave me and the filthy monologue that rolled off his tongue, I was near collapse. 

"Do it baby, do it on me" as he licked his lips. I flailed in the steaming water as I came. I almost drowned in the process as I started to sink.

"I got ya baby, you're safe with me" and he pulled me up by my armpits. I was in such a dazed state, I barely noticed how far I had fallen in.

Now, it was his turn. I stroked his swollen cock, pressing his balls up close to his body. His eyes were closed and he seemed to be swaying to a rhythm I didn't hear. I lapped happily as he staggered and fell back against the rim of the tub. Lick, suck, lick. His moans echoed in the marble room.

"Arrrrrrrrrrrggh, I'm coming......."

His hands gripped my head as Gabe shivered, then let out a feral howl and virtually bounced off the walls; I was wondering if anyone down the hall could hear us. Oh well. We languished in the warm water, alternating between snuggling and kissing. We washed each other down, rubbing our bodies with the soft, fluffy towels. There was a terry robe for each of us behind the door.

Afterwards, Gabe opened the French doors leading out to the terrace and the hot tub. Our collective breaths created a little fog around us.

"Bloody freezing," I heard him murmur. "Fucking sheilas always get their way..."

"Excuse me?" I pouted. 

He snorted again, just to make me laugh. 

"Nah, I'm just having my way with you." His arm drew me close. We were standing there in our terry cloth robes, shivering, but transfixed by the diamond lit sky.  We watched the heavens above us; it was the color of indigo. Gabe lit up a cigarette then pulled me into his lap. And we sat comfortably for a while. There were snow covered mountains and that massive sky. He bent over and switched on the hot tub, dipping his feet in. I slid off, a little more delicately this time and he did the same. We sat like that for a long time, not needing any words.

I felt so content under this expansive sky with this luscious man I was growing more attached to. I could feel the tears coming on again and dismissively brushed them aside.

"What?" he turned to me.

"Nothing," deciding to plunder into the hot waters of the outdoor tub. 

"This is living," I mumbled to no one in particular. 

"Do I see tears coming on again?" And with that, he embraced in his arms, making we want to snivel even more. 

The nightmares were less frequent, but the panic attacks lingered and at moments like this, I inwardly cringed. I vacillated between being so happy with him; I had to rein myself in and then worrying that he'd dump me in the next breath. Sometimes, he just took my breath away, literally. So masculine, so compelling, so loving. And he also fucked the shit out of me, which didn't hurt.

I was grateful for sleep, to be in nothingness. The goose down pillows felt heavenly underneath my throbbing head. Too much going on in there.

Awakening to the sun, in all its orange majesty over the puffy, snow-covered mountains, was breathtaking. I quietly pushed open one of the French doors, almost welcoming the frigid air in. I listened to the clack and the clatter of the dining room and the hum of whispered conversations. Behind me, I could hear Gabe stirring, then a strident yawn.

I had had a dream that soothed me in my emptiness. My friend was well, happy and healthy. She danced on a cloud and opened her arms to me.

"Cry and let it go," she said. A tear, unbidden, slid down my cheek. Not unhappy, just bittersweet.

She would have loved Gabe in all his gruffness and the silliness which seemed to be surfacing more and more lately. Gabe claimed to love the fact that I was older; he found more mature women fascinating. At our ages, supposedly we had lost all of our docility.

I was frequently reduced to tears with his childlike antics and I'm an easy audience, particularly after a few hits on a joint or some wine. He loved a rapt audience, which I was; most of what he did delighted me.

I heard a loud belch behind me. With a girlish giggle, I turned to see him, naked, stretching his muscular body. 

"G'day love. You're up early, aren't you?" He squinted at me with those lovely blue eyes. Instead of feeling joy, I felt panic coming on, quickly closing the doors. Would this never end?

Sensing my discomfort, he patted the mattress next to him.

"Come sit, darling..."  Gabe cupped my face in his hands.

"Tell me about her, luv."

Without warning, the tears fell, embarrassing me. We really didn't know each other well and I wasn't prepared for this display of vulnerability. He gently wiped my face, placing me on the bed beside him.

"She was the best kind of friend to have," I sniffled. "Always supportive..." And then I broke down. He pulled me to his naked chest, wrapping his arms around my small frame. We talked for a while, me blathering, he mostly nodding, rubbing my back. Every once in while I'd hear a "really" or a clucking of his tongue.

"I know, I know," he murmured. And I believed him. I snuggled up to him, my legs planted underneath me as he virtually rocked me to sleep. I was sure he knew that this pain was partially responsible for me holding back, but said nothing. I almost loved him for that.

About an hour later, I awoke to a fully dressed Gabe, tugging at my arm.

"Let's get brekkie downstairs, hon." 

I groggily slinked to the bathroom, brushing my teeth once again and ran my fingers through my short hair. Shrugging my shoulders, I loped after him to the elevators, hoping I wouldn't frighten anyone on the way.

We clambered downstairs to the main dining room and were seated in front of the fireplace, on a large velvet sofa. Comfy and divine. Gabe had a tendency to stare openly and gawked as I devoured blueberry pancakes with orange butter and Vermont syrup.

"Don't do that! You make me self conscious when you do that."

Giggles gave way to more squinting and staring. 

"It makes me hot to watch you eat, using your tongue like that."

I'm sure I turned purple. He reached over, holding my hand on the table.

"Are you okay? I hope I'm not rushing you or scaring you. I want you to feel comfy with me, darling".

"Gabe, I'll never be that comfortable; it's just not my nature. I'm always looking over my shoulder and this latest incident just makes it more pronounced."

He tried his best not to look crestfallen, but I felt it was best to be up front with him. 

And then as if I were dreaming, I saw a woman pass by. His  head shot up. It was Her, that actress he was in love with. Beautiful, brave, courageous and as thin as a broomstick.

That's how he described her, well, maybe not the broomstick part of it.

She looked straight at me, with daggers in her eyes. I sat back. Gabe openly stared at her as she stopped in her tracks. He stood up.

"So nice to see you," he sang to her. Well, it sounded as if he were singing. There was a bowling ball now residing in my belly. They hugged in front of me and basically acted as if I were invisible.

"Are you staying here as well?"

"Yes, Gabe. What a coincidence!"

Finally, he looked at me. 

"Oh, how could I...? This is my friend, Sara, Meg..."

And as if I were either ten years old or incredibly thick, he said to me, "Sara, say hi to Meg."

I shot him a look that would've killed anyone else, but he seemed to be clueless. 

I offered my limp, damp hand for her to shake, but she totally ignored it. The two misfits continued to stare at one another in silence, so I offered her a seat. She politely refused and sauntered off. I was ready to unleash hell.

I felt my face turn purple and I was hyperventilating. 

I choked out, "Well, that was condescending of you." I could feel my nostrils flaring. 

"What?" He looked slightly dazed.

And then it hit me.

"You're still in love with her."

 He gaped at me as if I had three heads.

"Of course not....you reading something into nothing."

"Does that include addressing me as if I were 10 years old?"

"What the fuck are you talking about?" His chest was rising and falling as if he were about to have a stroke.  "Are you getting jealous on me? I didn't think you were the clingy type. Just the opposite, in fact."

I stood there incredulous. "Jealous?" I snorted. "You can't be serious. You were ogling her as if you were a starved man, talked down to me and I'm the jealous one? You're lucky I haven't hit you."

He visibly bristled, and glared at me with that icy stare. IT was as if the past few days had never happened. He motioned for the waiter, asked for the bill, staring off into the distance. Maybe he was wishing SHE would materialize. So much for a wonderful vacation. I noticed it was already noon. My, how time flies.

We stood, wordless, in the cramped elevator as we breezed back upstairs. He literally ran into the room and picked up the phone. I could hear his gruff voice barking out orders. His beer arrived shortly. Shit.

Gabe sat on the sofa, puffing away on his cigarette, drinking his beer and staring straight ahead. The waiter set a tray beside him, with a bottle of Jack Daniels and a shot glass.

I thought "Oh no, he's going to get drunk and nasty now."

"Excuse me, Gabriel" dragging out the words ".... when did this wonderful vacation take a turn for the worst? We were having such a good time and now it seems we're not on speaking terms?"

Not a word from him.

And then he looked at me almost teary eyed. "I've been thinking and Meg brought some things to the surface." A deep sigh.

"Maybe I am rushing you, maybe we're both rushing into this."

The grey ash of his lit cigarette fell to the floor, unnoticed. Whatever joy I had felt previously, as tenuous as it was, suddenly evaporated. I should go home, I thought absently

Now his foot resting on his thigh started to jiggle. But he still wouldn't look at me. 

"Gabe, Can we please talk about this? Otherwise, I might as well go home."

"Are you threatening me?" he glowered. 

"Why do you take that as a threat? God, you get so defensive so easily. All I mean is that an hour ago we were having a wonderful time and suddenly all that has gone up in smoke. Why?"

"Because you've turned out to be jealous and needy."

"You can't be serious...everything has changed in a blink of an eye, just like that?" I snapped my fingers.

He was feeling no pain at this point and not much time had passed. I looked at the room service tray. Jack Daniels...ouch.  He poured himself a shot as he guzzled it down in one gulp.

I tried a different approach. Sitting next to him, I place my hand on his thigh. 

"Gabe, I'm not going to say seeing you with Meg didn't rattle me a bit, but I'm far from jealous and feeling needy about it. I just felt that you kind of ignored me making that introduction. I don't want to go home, I want to stay here with you and enjoy this trip. I must be out of my fucking mind."

His features softened momentarily as he gave me a look. His eyes then closed and he said, "Maybe you should go home", in a whisper. I thought I would burst into tears. This was not the plan.

"Did seeing Meg stir up some old feelings? Are you that unsure of me now?" I sighed heavily as I stood up.

"Frankly, if your feelings can change on a dime, then I'm not interested. I was hoping for something with a little more substance. You kept pushing me into something I had so many misgivings about, but I believed you. Silly me."

A tear threatened to form in my misty eyes. 

"I really like you, I thought, maybe we could be friends and enjoy each others company. And yet, in ten minutes everything changes, just like that, just because you saw an old girl friend and I challenged something you said to me? Are you that fickle?" He was bobbing a bit by now, having done another shot.

"I don't know," he slurred. 

"Now I have a headache," he muttered as he tapped on his forehead. Obviously, things had taken a turn for the worse and I decided to give it up for the night. It seemed that he was going to drink himself into oblivion that night.

I resigned myself to a day without passion or warmth and decided to nap instead; my usual means of escape Gabe sat dumbly on the couch, smoking away as I turned to leave.

I snuggled into the soft sheets and soon drifted off. I'd decide later if I were going to leave or stay. 

I was awakened by the sound of retching. Obviously, Gabe was still drunk or sick or maybe both. I stealthily crept into the marble room where he lay perched over the toilet; his face purple and mottled.

He looked up at me, croaking, "Baby, I'm so sorry."

I didn't move towards him. 

"Sorry?" I whispered.

"Yah, I saw an old lover, it brought back some bad memories. I let it carry me away. I was rude to you."

"Yes, you were." I stood tall in front of him.

"And you drank yourself into a real mess here. I thought you could hold your liquor. You're fucking wasted."

"I drank it too fast and I was annoyed. Bad combination." 

He struggled to pull himself up. I offered my arm, but my heart remained firmly entrenched in hesitation. I was literally shaken by the day's events. He seemingly had changed in a matter of hours.

"I'm gonna take a shower love, I smell like shit." 

He staggered over the large stall, complete with built in stool. I had a feeling he'd be okay. I glanced at the clock, realizing I had slept for three hours! I decided to change and clean up as soon as Gabe made his entrance.

I felt a chill go through me and I refused to back down as I glanced at his ashen face. 

"Baby," he mumbled.

To paraphrase someone I said, "My name is not Baby. Gabe, I know you got yourself into a mess, but this changes things completely. On a whim, you toss me aside after practically groveling at my feet? I had not idea you vacillated this often. I must be out of my mind staying here with you. When will you explode again, how can I be sure?"

I wasn't challenging him; I really wasn't sure. He blankly stared at me with those lovely bloodshot eyes, but I wouldn't waver. 

"Please don't leave me, everyone always leaves me," he muttered to no one; I could barely make him out. He clumsily stood up, holding onto the wall.  I stood with my arms across my chest, glaring at him.

"You hate me," he sniffled. 

I almost laughed, but I remained strong. I stared down at my bare feet on the worn wooden floor. I placed my hands on my hips defiantly.

"No, but I don't' like you very much right now and I'm not sure of what I want to do. I may be meek at times Gabe, but I'm no doormat. My hearts been crushed too many times. What do YOU think we should do?"

He lit up yet another cigarette, blowing his smoke all over the room, leaving a little cloud. 

"I thought we were having a good time..."he glanced sideways at me, "until I fucked up. Why can't we just stay here? We're settled in our room anyway," as he crushed his cigarette in the crystal tray in front of him.

"Look," big sigh, "if you don't want to sleep with me, we can sleep separately if you like. We certainly have the room for fucks sake." 

Oh God. I bristled.

"Gabe, I can't think straight now. I should really be packing my suitcase now." Big sigh. " Let's just see what happens, okay? Lets...go for a walk, near the water maybe. Perhaps some dinner."

"I'll really chuck it up if I eat." Seeing the disappointment on my face, he backpedaled.

"On second thought, some coffee might be good."

We stood, watching over the sea, blackened by the oncoming nightfall, without speaking. 

I dove right in. "Listen Gabe, I'm a nice person and I've gotten fucked several times in the past few years, I'm not up for it again. I like you a lot and I thought you liked me. And you know, you've fucked me over too, with your little pissy moods. I can't, I won't go through this again. Are we clear on that?"

I looked up at him to gauge how this was going. He couldn't look more earnest or attentive.

"I don't want to feel I'm wasting my time here with you. I'm a good person Gabe and feel I deserve to be treated accordingly. If you're going to continue playing mind games, I might as well just go home now. Please be clear; I'm not challenging you, just stating a fact. I want to be honest with you, but I need to know that you're going to be upfront with me. How does that grab you?"

He nodded, taking a drag of his cigarette. "I'm such a shit sometimes."

"Yes, you are, but I'm not playing into that martyr crap either. I know you can't give me a written promise, but I'm getting too old for this shit now and I kind of liked being alone; I was okay with it. You can be a great guy too, I know that."

He pulled me to him suddenly and crushed me to his chest. I held my breath as he rubbed circles in my back, murmuring something I couldn't quite get.

"I care about you, I will try. I guess I had some problems with Meg and it just sprang to the surface and I'm such a fucking control freak too, I know. Let's start all over again, yah?"

I slowly pulled away from him and his inviting torso. I didn't meet his gaze, but stared at his flannie with the broken button on the top. Sloppy man. And I laughed out loud.

"What?"

"A movie star worth millions and you can't get a fucking button sewn on, what's with you?" 

I yanked at the wobbly button and pocketed it. The scent of the salty air made me even hungry for shellfish. I suggested a nearby seafood place, right on the water that seemed relatively quiet. We strolled arm in arm and plunked ourselves down in the back, hidden from the street.

If the waiters knew who Gabe was, they never let on, but were courteous as always. 

We dined on clams, lobster dipped in butter sauce, roasted asparagus and espresso. So much for Gabe getting sick.  Between the wine and our messy fingers, it was soon turning into a love fest. Gabel licked my buttery fingers with great aplomb and I reciprocated, in spite of having the misgivings I had about him. I threw caution to the wind for the second time. This would be my last time giving him another chance.

We talked small talk, idle chit chatter, the weather, his next film. It was obvious there was still some tension unresolved and he was the most uncomfortable, shifting in his seat, playing with the silverware. More than once, he diverted his eyes from mine. We sipped our espressos languidly as the sea kissed breeze warmed us.

When we stood up to leave, Gabe reached for my hand, dwarfed in his large one as he led me away. There was a trace of a smile playing on his lips, but it was a tentative one. Upon arriving at our suite, he pulled me closer to him.

"Listen Sara, I fucked up big time and I don't think I've earned your affection just yet. I thought we might sleep separately tonight, me on the couch here and you in the master bedroom."

His eyes were downcast and I saw a slight tremor in his right hand. There was something quaint and very old fashioned about this gesture.

"I don't want to fuck things up again and run the risk of you chucking me out."

Surprisingly, I understood and gave him a soft kiss, leaning into him with my whole body. And as he promised, he hunkered down on the couch, but I wasn't that concerned; it was pretty sumptuous.

And to my surprise, he never came to awaken me. I did feel at peace though, half listening to the snow pinging on the windows and the wind gusting and rattling the windows.

A light tap on the door awakened me. In sauntered Gabe, half dressed, bare chested, looking delicious and carting a full breakfast tray.

Gee, I thought, he must be feeling really guilty. 

"Luv, we only have a few days left and I thought we'd do it up right. So, here I am. Freshly baked croissants, English jam, strong coffee, just the way you like it".

He set it on the table facing the window and held out a chair for me. 

Oh my.

My heart and my pussy gushed at the same time. But I still was not eager to act on it.

I sat on the cushy chair, gazing out at the snow-capped mountains, thinking blissful thoughts, picking at my food. As usual, Gabe slurped his coffee and belched loudly. All to make me laugh, of course.

As we sat in silence for a while, my thoughts drifted back again to my friend Carol, wishing I knew what she'd be thinking. I always looked to her for guidance. Knowing her, I think she would have bristled a bit at Gabe and probably would hope for a shot with someone less "mercurial". All of which was a moot point now.

He took my hand and squeezed it, kissing my palm.

"You do know that I love you, don't you?"

My jaw dropped. 

"Er, no, gee I didn't. Gabe, we barely know each other, just a few weeks you can't be serious.  Doesn't that seem..."

He cut me off. "No, it doesn't. I know my feelings and I also know in my own crazy way, I was trying to push you away earlier. My feelings are my feelings or as they say, it is what it is."

With that, I got another smooch on my palm. God, what would I say now?

He looked forlorn, staring at my hand.  "I guess you don't feel the same way?"

"Gabe, this came on suddenly and we just had a tiff. I don't know what I feel right now.  I do know that I like you and I'm very attracted to you, but..."

"But what?" 

I could feel the thunder in his voice. I shuddered. 

"Love means a commitment, at least to me, and I don't know........."

He wrapped his bear-like arms around my body, squeezing me.  "I know you've had a rough time, and you're afraid of letting go. Can you believe I would never hurt you on purpose?"

Truthfully, my knees were buckling, but I wasn't quite prepared to say the L word. Smelling his natural fragrance and that hard dick pressed against me, I certainly felt something. Maybe I should just see this a fun, fling kind of thing?

I was ready to drown in his limpid eyes, while he took in all my features as if he were committing them to memory. Who was the real Gabe, the one who could be charming or the one who crawled out of some dark corner and terrified everyone?

We spent the next couple of days, languishing in the winter sun and air, avoiding the slopes like a fever, spending time alone, drinking coffee, reading, with his head in my lap.

That trip changed my life forever. And I never regretted taking it once.

But I digress.

The look of adoration is his eyes were almost too much to bear. We were standing on the mountain, drinking in the sights and each other. He was relentless, always whispering in my ear, how he felt, how sorry he was, he was such a dick, etc. Always reaching out for me, as if he were afraid I would disappear.

And with that, he lunged at me pressing me close to his chest. I think I crossed over the threshold that night. Our lovemaking was reckless and wild. I could feel myself giving in, slowly.

It started out gently, furtively as he gently sucked on my lips, never taking his eyes off me. It's hard to describe, but his gaze envelops you. Gabe tugged at my jeans, as if he were asking for entry; then he yanked at it. He stared down at me, with a mischievous glint in his eye and a delicious smirk on his face. He knew exactly which buttons to push. He cupped my crotch in hand, pressing harder on my pussy and I was lost. I almost sank to my knees, and thoroughly immersed myself in it.

Before I could think clearly, Gabe was tearing at my jeans and yanking off my sweater, almost ripping it. We both broke out into raucous laughter, falling to the carpeted floor. He was a master at getting women's bodies to respond. I had never experienced anyone as talented as him. We rolled around on the floor for a while, biting each other, laughing, kissing, squeezing. And then it became serious. Our clothes were left in a heap somewhere. Flesh on flesh, so soft and wet. I could feel the sweat on my thighs mixed with my juices.

Laughing, he pushed me on the bed, lapping it up with that tool of his. 

He could suck on my clit for hours if I asked. And he really thought my genitals were beautiful. He pulled apart my inflamed lips, nibbling at me, licking, and sucking until I had come three times.

He said softly, so softly, I had to sit up, "I love you, you know."

And then he kissed me, his mouth full of me and sweat and adoration.

He tweaked at my nipples, pulling at them, as if they were a plaything. But I pushed him away, knowing I wanted him in my mouth.

"Baby, I want you to cum in my mouth. And drink you all in."

I started jerking at his lovely cock as his eyes glazed over. I pressed my hand on his thick balls as his eyes slowly closed. His body was still a little plump, but I liked him with extra meat. So he lay on the floor, breathing loudly as I proceeded to play with him. Then I bent over and began sucking as if I wanted to swallow him whole. Gabe pulled at my hair, tangling it in his fists, but I didn't care. His moans and howls were enough to make me dripping wet. Even I was out of breath by this time. My hand was pumping away as I licked his balls and then swallowed him up. By his jerking movements, I knew he was close. Gabe grabbed at my cropped hair as if it were reins and screeched. And then he laughed and I laughed with him.

I lowered myself down to the floor and into his loving arms. We sighed simultaneously. And then he let out that effeminate giggle of his, breathing into my ear. It was at times like this, that I felt cherished, protected and in love. We dozed for a while, as we clung to each other.

Finally, we awoke and decided to step outside. 

We stood on the balcony, sheathed by the indigo sky. My heart felt light and he could see it. 

"You know," he said between puffs of his cigarette, "I can give you the moon and the stars." He waved his arms as if to encompass the heavens.

Almost as if the sky above and all its inhabitants were his to offer me. But that smirk was still there, taunting me. 

"Oh you think so, huh?" 

I liked to challenge him and verbal sparring had become a game for us.

I bravely placed my hands on my hips as if to intimidate him further. 

"What more could you want?" he teased. 

"The sun and the earth?"

"So, Sara, do you love me yet?" He quizzed me.

For all of his bravado, that's all it was, just bravado. With a terrible need to be loved.

I extended my arms out to him. "I care for you, but I need more time. More time with you."

His eyes crinkled as he laughed softly. I loved the lines around his eyes. Gave him character, I thought.  We drifted off to sleep with the ease of weary children.

As quickly as it began, the respite was over. I almost dreaded to think what would happen next. We arrived in New York, with Gabe constantly consoling me, telling me we were a couple and he would stay on in New York.

"Hey, Mr. Stah, I need to work, ya know. I'm not wealthy, like you."

"I'll take care of you, let me do that for you." 

Tenacious was his name.  I was falling in love, but I had my pride.  I got myself another reception job at an ad agency; something familiar.

My first day, Gabe sent me two -dozen pink roses. And promised to take me somewhere special for dinner. It was the Four Seasons. Wonderful, wonderful, quirky food, but a prissy kind of place and an odd choice for him.  Very modern with fountains spurting and metal sculptures that resembled people in the last stages of constipation. Truly. But as usual, we were hidden away from prying eyes.

This was going very well, I had to admit. I still didn't completely trust him, but that was me, I don't trust anyone without hesitation.  

The look of adoration on his face is something I will never forget; that night in particular, it tugged at my heart. He held my hands in a strong grip saying to me, "I've never loved anyone the way I love you."

Sweet, I thought. And I'm sure he meant it; at least at that moment. But I did have to wonder how many women he had said that to. But like the evening in Colorado, this was another turning point. My heart was his now.

And in my state of tentative happiness, I thought of my friend, who would always be in my heart and thoughts, and how she would smile to see me happy once again. I could almost feel her spirit nudging me, tapping me on the shoulder.

I suppose there is a part of me that will never heal, never trust completely. I have resigned myself to this, without telling Gabe, at least not yet. They say once your heart is broken, it may mend, but the ache remains.

For the next couple of weeks, we saw each other almost every day, at his insistence. There was no such thing as too much closeness for this man and though I found it suffocating at times, I knew he meant well. He would occasionally back off, waiting to follow my lead, whatever that was.

Being a loner at heart, I did need time to recoup and not answer the phone and he soon learned to live with that. 

The weeks passed as he tried to court me, in his inimitable way. His body language said it all; I am determined to have you, no matter what. I knew I was losing ground and felt hopeless to stop it. It was much like falling in a dream, a sort of flying.

And my God, the sex. He was superb, not unlike a young stallion, thrashing in his stall. As I exposed myself literally and figuratively, the sex became looser and wilder. He virtually demanded I masturbate as he watched, practically taking notes and licking me to keep me hot. I made him do the same as I watched, brazen hussy that I now know I was. And then I promised to let him come on my breasts. You'd think I'd offered rum to an alcoholic. He was practically drooling. Watching him get into it, closing his eyes, putting on a good show for me was almost more then I could bear. When he finally did come, for some reason, we both broke into uproarious laughter. Gabe was kind enough to wash me and dry me as he sucked away on his cigarette. The next time, we tried anal sex, something I hadn't tried yet. He was so considerate, taking his time, lubricating his beautiful cock so well. And even though, I was really tight, I loved the idea of doing it. Something naughty.

A couple of weeks later, Gabe was considering going back to Oz, for a visit, he said. I could feel my heart thumping in my chest as I digested this. Something about my facial expression stopped him mid track and he encircled me in his burly arms.  We just hugged for a while in silence and then I raised my head, to look him in the eyes.

"You know I love you now, Gabe."

And his face lit up like a sparkler. He cupped my head, grazing my lips with his. We kissed tenderly, once again, under the indigo sky. 

EPILOGUE
TWO YEARS LATER

Presently, I'm sitting in a pile of horseshit, and loving it. I've always adored animals and now was my chance to live with it on a daily basis. Horses, cows, dogs, cats, even chickens share this land with us. Yup, Gabriel and I. I help him with the cows when I can, and when I can't; I sit and watch him in his element. This is his paradise, his haven, always will be.

So, I visit the States whenever I can, to visit friends or the odd relative. I go shopping at Bloomies, just like the old days. Only now, I can spend whatever I want!

Gabe loves me more than I can say, and that feeling is mutual. We've all had hard times, but this coupling more than makes up for what was lost. The solace we get from each other, that is priceless.

Since I am postmenopausal, I cannot give Gabriel a baby. We have decided to adopt a baby from Russia; there are so many out there, especially in Russia and China who so desperately need a home.  In a matter of months, she will be with us.

Our lives are full and filled with love. We tease and poke at each other, mostly in a good-natured way. He does have his dark moods and can be unbearable at times and I wonder if I've done the right thing. But he loves me so unconditionally; I could forgive him just about anything.

It's funny, the way things turn out, the path you walk, the detours you take, and even more interesting, what becomes your final destination.