STRIKE ONE

"Heather?" I slipped into the office early on the next morning having given Clarity's advice a lot of thought. She'd been right. I couldn't bury my head in the sand about this like some sort of human ostrich. I had to tell everyone - and I needed to start with those closest to me, the ones who would ultimately be most affected by my situation. I also knew I needed support and friendship, the benefit of sound and well- reasoned advice. Heather was always the rational one of the two of us, who reined me in when I was in danger of going completely off the rails. How many times had she pulled me back from the edge in the past?

"What?" Her answer was sharp, unlike her, really. I noticed she was hunched over the computer screen muttering to herself.

I sat down by her without paying much attention to what she was doing, still locked in my own misery. "Heather, we need to talk. I've got something to tell you.... I've really fucked up this time..."

"You bet you have...Can you never leave things alone? Just when I get everything just so, you go and do one of your crazy, thoughtless, utterly stupid stunts. Why are you such a klutz? Can't you even manage a simple thing like this?"

I blinked a few times, trying to work out if I had heard her correctly. "What? So you already know what I've done?"

She gave me an exasperated look. "It's pretty obvious and anyway, it's written all over your face. The usual 'Golly gosh I didn't mean to make such a mess of things' look...Well, it might work for the guys but don't try and work your charms on me...."

I swallowed hard at her words. She was really mad with me. It hurt. A lot of things had gone wrong in my life but the one thing I had always been able to count on was Heather's support and friendship. She was like a sister to me. No, she was better than a sister. You can't choose your sisters. You're just stuck with them, even if they get on your tits.

"Look...I'm sorry if you feel like that but...frankly...I think you're being a bit harsh. This is about me not you...I know it will interfere with everything, but it's me that's mostly affected..."

"You? Is everything always about you? What about me? I spend hours a day at this computer ...I have a life, you know? When you're not throwing a spanner in my works, that is...just give me a break, will you?"

Well, I might have been down but I wasn't quite out yet. "What are you going on about? I think your reaction is completely over the top. Maybe if you dragged yourself out of Dino's bed now and then you wouldn't be always running to catch up...you spend hours at the computer? How many hours you got? 'Cos you spend about 23 a day shagging him... while I'm out there actually running this place...so I just thought I had better warn you that you'll have to get your finger - or maybe his dick- out more regularly in future...but I forgot...I'm suppose to be the general dogsbody round here, aren't I? Be terrible if you had to pull your bloody weight, wouldn't it?"

I was really out of line and most of what I said was untrue but I just simply open my mouth and say anything when I'm angry and upset. Heather bridled at my words; I knew she was going to give it to me with both barrels.

"Don't you dare start that! You're just jealous that you can't keep a guy for five minutes...you just hate to see it working out for someone else, don't you?"

She caught my sharp intake of breath; to be fair, I could see her wince at her own thoughtless remark.

"Jesus...Uma....I'm sorry...I didn't mean that...I don't know why I said it! It's just--- everything has gone wrong today...first this damn site - everything's going pear shaped and I know you don't mean any harm but PLEASE stop messing with what you don't understand! Then when I told Dino on the phone he was just so dismissive about it like my affairs were so insignificant to him. He said I should get a life...so we had this big fight ..."

"...I didn't touch the bloody site! Honest. I don't know what's happened but it isn't me. I've had too many other things on my mind..."

Heather chewed on her lip and sighed. "We're probably just all hormones. PMS - it happens every month. So handy that we both come on at the same time, hey?" she added wryly.

I looked down and avoided answering her comment. Suddenly the urge to confide in her had had evaporated. 

"What did you come in for then if it wasn't about the board? You said you wanted to tell me something?" she went on.

I stood up and shrugged. "Nothing special. You go and get on with that and I'll go and sort out the bar. Maybe later, hey?"

I walked to the door. "You all right, Uma?"

I hunched my shoulders. "Me? I'm always all right...." I let the door close softly behind me.

STRIKE TWO

I ran back up to my room, unwilling to face anyone just then. I knew she didn't know what I had been trying to tell her but some of her comments had hit home nevertheless. She must be sick and tired of me and my stormy love life, always coming to cry on her shoulder every time it didn't work out. The thing was she always warned me and I never listened. Maybe it was time for her to say 'I told you so.'

I lay back on the pillow and stared at the ceiling, my hand under my jumper stroking my stomach. Was it really true? Had Ross given me a baby? I did the Maths again, over and over in my head - but there was no doubt. I was five days late and even Heather knew that the pair of us was always on together. That happens when women live under the same roof, I read it somewhere; their cycles sort of work round to fit in with each other. Can't remember why...

The phone rang and I picked it up. It was Ann. I sat up and was immediately relieved to hear her warm tones. I would tell Ann instead. She was just so good at moments like this. "Ann... am I glad to hear from you...! Hey, can I come over? Just for an hour or so? I really, really need to talk about something personal!"

"Today? No can do, honey...Terry's here. He's just gone out to get a bottle of something for lunch...and then we plan the rest of the day in bed being very naughty indeed...."

"Oh... right...Terry....say hi for me..."

"You were saying...you got something to tell me?" Ann asked.

I took a deep breath and decided to go for it. "Ann....there's no easy way to say this, so I'm just going to come right out and say it. I think I'm pregnant..."

"WHAT? Pregnant? How?"

I winced. "The usual way. With a man."

She sighed. "I mean...who? Aren't you on the pill? And do you know who the father is? Be hard to tell with you, wouldn't it?" she added.

"I beg your pardon? Was that meant to be a joke - because if it was, it wasn't very funny..."

"Sorry...I just meant...well, you are a bit free and easy, aren't you? It could be any of a number of men...."

I began to wish I hadn't said anything. "It's Ross. There was no one else. I haven't slept with any one else in weeks..."

"You slept with Terry. That night with the ghost. Don't tell me nothing happened...we are talking Terry Thorne and we know your taste for big boys..."

"I did not sleep with him. Well, not in that way. We did not have sex. I have never had sex with Terry Thorne..."

"What about the striptease night? Thought you'd had it then?"

I blushed and was glad she couldn't see. "I made that up. We were just mucking about and trying to con the rest of you. He wanted to win the bet...that's all. He wasn't really prepared to go through with it..." I didn't add that the story had been the version I had fantasised later. In reality we had simply had a few beers and he had slept in the spare room - but we had faked the next morning to spread the word around. Pretty pathetic, hey?

But Ann hadn't finished. "Well, he's the only one you haven't. You know what you're like - the minute a new one shows up you have to make a beeline so you can be the first. It's about time you realised that they just take advantage. They're disoriented and unsettled and this woman takes them to bed - well, they're only men for God's sake...but they soon get their heads round it and you just look like a tart..."

I gasped. "What did you say? That's pretty rich coming from you....at least I only have them one at a time...."

Ann screeched down the phone at that. "WHAT? You little bitch...I thought at least you wouldn't react like that! You're just as bad as the men. Well, let me tell you...if they think I'm a slut, God knows what they call you behind your back..."

I honestly could not believe it. "I have just confided some very confidential news to you and I expected a modicum of support - as I have always given you. Only the other day, you were crying to me about East and Maximus...don't you have a heart? What the hell am I going to do now?"

"You got yourself into it, so get yourself out of it. I have enough problems of my own. Anyway, why did you go off the pill...or maybe this was a bit of entrapment? Trying to get Ross to come back and take responsibility? That the only way you can get a man...?"

I didn't hang around to hear anymore, simply slamming down the phone and jumping off the bed in temper. How DARE she talk to me like that? My God, you certainly know who your friends are when the going gets tough, hey? There was Clarity - whom I had only just recently met, a woman with her own problems that were certainly not of her making- and she had the time to support me so instantly and completely. And then my two oldest friends simply turned their backs and treated me like this was something I deserved, like something I had brought upon myself.

I felt like everything in my life was caving in all at once. All the certainties I had surrounded myself with seemed suddenly so fragile and shallow. But, I was not going to roll over and die just because other people didn't care about me. If I was going to be a mother - then I would jolly well make a go of it. Perhaps it would be the making of me.

At least I would have someone to love now who would love be back unconditionally.

STRIKE THREE

Galvanised, as much by bloodymindedness as anything else, I went downstairs, gave Heather and the office a wide berth, and began setting up for the lunchtime opening. I unlocked the main door, put on the bar lights and then began setting out ash trays, bar nuts and the like. I heard someone come in but did not look up, merely saying, "Sorry we don't open until eleven..."

"S'Okay, Slim...I can wait..."

"ALEX!!!" My head shot up and there he was, standing at the door exactly like the first time I had seen him, crumpled grey suit, tie loosened and fedora dipped over his eyes. "ALEX! I am so glad to see you...."

I jumped up and ran at him; he caught me and swung me round smiling broadly. "Looks like someone missed me then..."

"Of course, I've missed you...! How are you? Where have you been? Are you back for good? Did you get a job?" I blurted out a stream of questions at him. He grinned.

"Slow down, Speedy...one at a time...I'm fine. I just thought I ought to come check on you. Baby, I think I may have been wrong about you and me...I don't know, maybe we should give it another try? Just go more slowly this time? What do ya say to that?"

What indeed? He was offering me the 'Get out of Jail free' card and I was desperate enough to grab it. I knew I didn't love him. But I liked him a lot and I saw a picture in my mind's eye of future domestic bliss: Ross, our baby and me. I could grow to love him. I knew I could. It wasn't as if living with a man like him would be a hardship.

So I smiled and let him take me in his arms. He kissed me and I responded out of sheer relief. Alex did care about me and he didn't think of me just as a soft touch who had put out when he was down on his luck. Ann was so wrong about that.

He pulled me close and I felt his hand run sensuously over my buttocks and begin to hitch up the short skirt I was wearing. He was rubbing himself crudely against my leg. It wasn't really like Alex to do that. I know we had shared wild sex but he was a considerate lover and knew how to take his time. This felt a little too urgent - or maybe he was just so excited to see me?

"Hey, boy....is this what you call going more slowly?" I pulled away slightly and straightened my skirt. He jerked me back against him and began to knead my breast with one hand while pulling me against his groin; I could feel his erection already. "I've just driven miles with my dick in my hand thinking about you...come on...let's go upstairs...talk later, hey?" he thrust his hand lewdly between my legs and I whimpered.

To be honest I felt a bit creeped out and wondered if this was as a result of my condition or the bad start I had had to the day - or was Alex really being a bit of a jerk? It all seemed confused in my head.

"But we need to talk, Alex..." I insisted as he hustled me towards the stairs, nuzzling my neck and sucking noisily on my flesh.

"Not now..."

"Yes, now!" I pushed him away. "Just stop, will you? I can't just simply jump into bed with you like that! That was the problem before...don't you remember?"

"I was in bad mood...I'm better now....want you so bad..." he mumbled as he took my hand and cupped his own groin. "See? Let me have some more of your sugar..."

This time I pushed him forcefully back. "I am not a tart! You can't just come here and have me whenever it suits you. I appreciate your attempt to reconcile but I really do need to speak to you first. Something really important has happened since you left..."

"You seeing someone else?" he asked suspiciously. "You didn't waste much time..."

"No, I'm not!" I shouted back. "I'm pregnant....it's yours..." I blurted it out without much care but he was annoying me with his behaviour and I panicked a little.

"WHAT? You accusing me of getting you in the way? Oh no, I am not falling for that one, baby. You told me you were safe. I asked and you said we were safe. You been lying to me?" His face had changed; his expression was cold and unforgiving.

"I thought I was safe. I had decided to come off the pill and have some injections...a friend got pregnant on the pill so I thought...I guess, I didn't read the small print, Alex. The first couple of times we were in the danger zone...I'm sorry..."

He laughed bitterly. "You're sorry? You lay this on me and all you can say is you're fuckin' sorry? Jesus Christ...how do I even know it's mine? You come onto me the first night I walk into this bar...I knew then you were hot for it...you've fucked every man in this joint and then some...admit it...if you're in trouble, honey, it could be any of a number of men and you know it. I'm not gonna be the mug to fall for it..."

"I haven't slept with all the men here...!" I protested horrified at his assumption.

"Name one who hasn't had a piece of you....I hear them talking, honey...they joke about it. Well, there's always Uma..."

I cried out at that, my hand going to my mouth. "John Biebe....Terry Thorne..." I began hysterically reeling off names.

"Think they'd touch a little whore like you? Guys like that wouldn't dirty their hands...or their dicks...me, I rather like cheap little sluts...Man, you were all over me that first time. What kind of decent woman sucks a dick like that?"

I slapped his face hard. He caught my hand. "I think I just withdrew my offer, baby. Maybe we aren't meant to be after all..." he smiled cruelly.

"You're just going to walk out on me? This is your baby! There was no one else! How can you be so cruel? You share some responsibility..."

"Get rid of it! Easy enough these days. Go to a clinic. End of problem."

"Just like that? Kill a baby even without a moment's thought? Have you no heart? It isn't easy for a woman to make that decision. I always thought a decent man wouldn't find it a very easy decision to make either..."

He took a step nearer and grabbed me by the wrist, twisting hard and hissing into my ear. "I want kids one day, just like every man. But do you think I would let you be the mother of my children? Think again, honey...you want this baby, then go ahead...your choice...but I'm not involved. You're on your own, kid..."

At that he flung me from him, hitched up his trousers and straightened his hat, tipping it contemptuously at me and turning on his heel. I stood, transfixed to the spot, hardly daring to breathe, almost catatonic until the slam of the door shocked me out it.I couldn't believe that Alex of all men, my sweet, witty, fast talking, tender Alex could even think those things, never mind say and do them to a woman he had appeared to care for. Had he only come back because he was horny and thought I was a dead cert? Did I really know anyone after all? All the people that I most believed in had just shown me a completely different side to themselves. I felt dirty and used and so utterly alone.

I stumbled back through the bar, fighting the tears. I just wanted to hide myself. Bury myself away from everyone. The store room door was open and I threw myself inside, sitting on the floor and curling up in a foetal position.

And there I let the tears come and wept.