UMA

 

When Terry walked in that night, I was really pleased to see him. I had missed him. It was nearly three weeks since I had last seen him what with his holiday in Australia and the SID disaster before that. And yet, I felt a nervous flutter in my stomach as I realized what he didn't yet know. A lot had happened in his absence and I couldn't help but be a little unsure of how he would react. Nor was I certain why it mattered in the least. But, somehow, I knew it did.

I watched as Andy glanced up at Terry as he sauntered in and greeted a few people. Gaia wasn't with him; she was sleeping off jet lag, so he said. I am ashamed to say I was rather pleased to hear that. It gave me a chance to talk to Terry alone for once.

He waited for a while at the bar, long enough for Andy to ignore him. Terry smiled distantly, obviously recognizing the petulance. Then he addressed Paul.

"Pint, please....Sheila...you have altered....sex change? Think I preferred the old you better..."

Paul grinned back. They knew each other and Paul always flirts around Terry but in a more macho way than some of his camp performances. No doubt he has a thing for Terry like almost everyone else in the place.

"Oi...Terry....you back? Like the tan...Sheila's gone, mate...big changes round here these days...Uma and Heather have reopened as a gay bar, you know..? But you're all right, mate, as long as you don't drop your change in the Gents...You're a bit of an icon, Mr. Thorne, you know...? Paul tripped out gaily with what I had been thinking. I sat at the side of the bar and giggled. Jeff groaned at Paul's cheery comment but didn't seem to resent it. Like a lot of the men, he accepted Paul's crush on the K and R man as being almost a forgone conclusion. The other men seem to think Terry a man worth looking up to.

Terry, however, shot Paul his warning look, made as if to draw a gun on him and Paul grinned and held his hands up as if in surrender. I noted again Terry's easy masculinity and camaraderie with other men. They like him. He likes them. But it doesn't ever seem to make him look in the least effeminate.

"So where she go then? Sheila...?" Terry asked as he accepted the beer and handed Paul the money.

"Dunno....last thing I heard she was working in some cafe..." Paul muttered without much interest as he moved to take John's order.

Terry turned round and watched some of the others, had a short word with a few of the younger men who were keen to talk about Oz and then made a few scopes of the room, winking at some of the women and accepting their glances and smiles. I just sat and watched him for a while, wondering whether I ought to sidle over, draw him aside and say something. I probably left it too long thinking about it. Jeff sat down and they chatted for a while. I saw Terry glance up suddenly and give Andy a stare and then he caught my eye and tilted his head to one side, giving me a thoughtful, almost disapproving expression. It made me sit up straight and toss back my hair truculently. He didn't miss my pointed response and smiled back wickedly Then, still holding my eyes, he held out his glass as Andy walked by.

"Another round..." A slight pause, and then, "...Randy?" Andy's head shot up and I could see a slight blush on his features; it wasn't embarrassment though - it was anger. "A little bird tells me you've been a naughty boy recently...or should I say a very lucky one? You must reveal the secret of your success...or is it a case of quantity over quality, do you reckon?" Jeff snorted into his beer and shook his head. No one slides in a putdown quite as smoothly as Terry Thorne. A few heads lifted around the bar and glances of amusement were exchanged. I held my breath, unsure whether Andy would blow. But he simply gave Terry a steady stare back as he filled up the glasses.

"Name's Andy, mate..." He set the pints down a little too firmly, slopping beer, revealing his annoyance and I saw the trace of a smile on Terry's lips as he noted that he was getting to him.

"Right....Randy....sorry, son...you must excuse my speech impediment..." I could have cheerfully taken the pint and emptied it over his head but then remembered that I had done much the same the last time we had spoken - only then it had been his groin and hot coffee. I mustn't let Terry think he was winding me up too or he would really be in his element. I almost threw caution to the winds at his next move. Terry threw a large note onto the counter and arrogantly said: "Keep the change mate." You know how it always hurts more when people are generous or nice to you when you want to smash their faces in? The show of his wealth and his charity to the lowly barman was such a snide thing for him to have done. If he was a woman I would have called it bitchy. But men just think it's being hard, don't they? Making fun of someone to get the lads laughing? Terry Thorne, you bastard!

Scarlet had overheard the conversation and she didn't look very impressed. She came over behind the bar and took Andy's hand across the bar top as he was drying glasses. "Andy, don't let him get to you - ok? He's just jealous. Why? Because you've done something he couldn't do. You ended up with Uma. You sweet Andy, you won the grand prize, not Mr. Thorne. Terry with his money, clothes, and all his charm, beaten by you, Andy, so don't let him get to you. Uma's a smart lady and she knew a prize when she saw you!' She squeezed his hand and he gave her a wan smile back. I could see he didn't really want to talk about it with her. I imagine what was going on in his mind was a pretty stronger reaction than he was prepared to show to her. But Scarlet didn't seem to notice his reluctance to chat about it, simply going on with: "Look, I'm tired. Can we finish here tomorrow?"

Andy relaxed and smiled a little easier at her, his old easy manner returning. "You go on up, love...we've got it. And thanks for the defence - but he doesn't scare me...well, not much anyway..." And he gave her his gentle grin.

I am aware that I had sat and simply watched all this as I had sipped on a glass of G and T and done some paperwork at the side of the bar. Maybe I should have got myself involved, but frankly, I was reluctant on a number of counts. The most important one was I did not ever want it to look as if I had to fight Andy's battles for him. That was integral to this. Men have to deal with that sort of stuff on their own or Andy would resent my interference. On the other hand, I was aware that Andy might have expected me to show my disapproval or Terry might have been encouraged by my uncharacteristic passivity. Good God...this was just a bloody minefield!

I gave Terry a baleful stare before packing up and taking my figures back to the office, telling Andy I'd be upstairs if he needed me. They must have managed because I watched TV, took a bath and then curled up in bed reading and had a rather lazy evening for once. I was glad to be away from the hothouse but still felt that I had chickened out of talking to Terry and clearing the air a bit.

It was about twelve thirty when Andy came in; he said very little at first, pulling off his T -shirt and balling it up to throw it in a corner somewhere. That was enough to tell me he was pretty wound up. He elbowed open the bathroom door and got ready for bed; I could even tell by the way he noisily pee'd and flushed, and the gusto with which he spat as he brushed his teeth that he was seething. I went on reading - or at least pretending to.

Then he came back in, peeled off his tight jeans and threw himself in bed, not before ripping the sheets open on the carefully made bed. I knew he was trying to make me pick a fight with him; his behaviour reminded me of a hormonal teenager.

I put down my book and switched off the lamp as he hit the pillow a few times and tried to get comfortable. In the dark, I rolled over onto my arm and put my hand on his chest. "Everything all right, Andy?" I ventured softly.

"No, it bloody isn't..." he answered aggressively.

"Is this about Terry and what he said?" I decided not to bother pretending I didn't know what he was going on about.

"He's a fucking tosser..." Andy muttered. I didn't answer. I thought it better not to make a comment either way. So he pushed it some more. "I don't want you hanging about flirting with him over the bar any more. He's got some big problem about you- so don't encourage him, right?"

"Hey... I never said anything...don't turn on me because you're pissed with him..."

He sat up and reached for a cigarette, lighting it and inhaling deeply. "Why did you just sit there and let him get away with it then? I saw you sitting at the bar just watching. I suppose you thought it was funny. You like men fighting over you?"

That was enough. "Andy- that is completely uncalled for! I didn't intervene because if I did then it would look like I was fighting your battles for you. He didn't mean anything really. He is my mate from way back. We've always been friends. He looks out for me. Okay, he's over-protective, like a big brother, you know? I've fucked up so many times, he's just making sure I'm not making a mistake...but, he doesn't mean anything. He likes you. He's a friend...that's all..."

"Crap." 

"What do you mean, 'crap'?" I asked him.

"I'm not having that 'he's my mate' crap. He's a man. He wants to fuck you. And maybe you want to fuck him too. How do I know....?

"WHAT?"

"Men and women - they don't make friends. You like a woman. You want to root her. Or you're not interested. Any bloke who's sniffing round....playing the friend card...he's a fucking liar....and you can't be that naïve...not at your age..."

Now he had made me angry. I spoke without thinking. So had he, I suppose. But what I said was even less well-advised. "Maybe not for young men...brains in their dicks, hey? Everything is sex to you. You can't separate one thing from another. I know sex gets in the way of the relationships of younger people. But...when you get older, it's different. Mature men and women can be friends..."

He was out of the bed even before I had finished speaking, jumping from one leg to the other in agitation as he thrust into his jeans. "Yeah? That so? Right...well, I'll just go and play in the fucking sandpit while the grown ups sit around being mature and friendly...."

He stormed for the door. "ANDY! I didn't mean..." The answer was the door being slammed. I knew I had made a terrible mistake. But it isn't so easy to take words back once they have been spoken out loud.

 

 

ANDY

 

I tossed and turned most of what was left of the night. I should have gone back to her but I was just so worked up, scared that I would make it worse. I also was pissed enough to realise that I had to start putting my foot down with Uma. If we were going to make it as a couple, then I couldn't let her simply patronise me whenever she felt like it. I always let her have her own way. I hate to say no to her. But sometimes she can be really immature - which is pretty funny when you think about it. Her using the usual crap about my age, when she just acts like some teenager with a crush whenever the subject of Thorne comes up. Big brother? Best mates? Fuck off! He wants into her knickers and she's still pining for a chance at the Great White Knight himself. She can't be that bloody naïve.

I gave up on sleep about five thirty, dragging on some running togs and going out to try and work off some of that excess seething energy that was threatening to turn me inside out. As usual, I couldn't even do that without someone seeing me. I bumped into Heather in the kitchen; Dino had an early flight and she was making coffee, but I didn't stop for a natter. Somehow I wasn't in the mood for early morning confidential.

I ran for an hour and a half until I was almost dead on my feet. When I got back, I showered and shaved, and grabbed a bite to eat before dashing out to the wholesale market. By the time I was finished, Mrs. Wilson was already starting on the day's menus and I joined her. Uma breezed past us shortly afterwards in a cloud of perfume and said she was busy and could we cope with the lunchtime without her? She was gone before we had much time to reply.

It wasn't too busy and I slipped out early in the afternoon; I had a two o'clock class. Not that I was in the mood for it - it did cross my mind to cut it and go to bed for a few hours but I knew she would have something to say if I didn't go and I wasn't giving her the opportunity to start on me about my lack of commitment and backbone. So I slipped in late, at the back, and dozed through most of the two-hour session.

We were set a task and our teacher wandered around giving help to those who needed it. It was some boring case study; I kept reading it and losing the thread. My mind was elsewhere, as usual. Daniela Andersen, the lecturer, was standing a few rows ahead of me, bending over talking to a few people. She's got bloody great legs. I found myself looking at them in the black stockings she was wearing. I wondered if she was a natural blonde. A vague erotic thought drifted across my brain. Ms. Andersen with her short suede skirt pushed up round her waist lying back on the desk at the front of the classroom. She was a natural blonde in my fantasy.

It was just one of those thoughts you get when your mind wanders, you know? I wasn't really turned on or anything. Just a slight blood rush and a semi but it was the first pleasant sensation I'd had all day, so I didn't exactly fight it. She's a good-looking girl. Tall and willowy. Looks Swedish or something. Shortish blonde messy hair, pale blue eyes and skin golden even in the winter. She has that healthy, outdoors look as if she's really fit. I could see her skiing or skating. I could suddenly see her doing a hell of a lot more than that as well.

"Andy?" I jumped and found the object of my lust smiling down on me. "You okay? Need any help?"

I know I blushed. I wondered if she could guess what I was thinking. "Er...I think you did this before I started the course..."

Daniela smiled. "Yeah...you missed the first few classes of this semester, didn't you? Look, read chapter three instead and I'll see you at the end of the period. There are a few things I need to go through with you..."

There would have been many times in my past when hearing something like that would have felt like I had just won a free ticket to the show. Miss Andersen, like a character in one of your typical bluies, asks her best pupil to stay behind after class for some after-curricular activities. I just looked at her like a bloody wuss and nodded. Chapter three didn't really make much more impact than the rest of the lesson set against the images her offer had put in my dirty little mind.

The group filed out. I sat on, slumped in my seat, memories of school flashing through me. I had regularly been kept back by teachers but rarely for anything pleasant. Usually it was to give me a dogging over something I'd done or not done. In reality there was Ms. Andersen at the desk, scene of my recent lurid fantasy, putting files into her attaché case. Then she turned around, smiled sweetly and suggested we had a coffee in the café downstairs. That wasn't how it used to happen in school. Nor was it exactly what transpired in the pornos I'd seen either.

I had an uneasy feeling that I probably shouldn't be having a coffee with a woman when I was in a serious relationship with someone else but I asked myself 'What was I doing that was actually wrong?' Just discussing with a teacher about some topic that I'd missed over a cuppa? Who could say anything about that?

We had coffee. We talked about the question I had struggled over. Daniela - she told me she preferred first names to titles- explained it briefly and then promised to bring me some notes next session that would clarify it. Then she told me a bit about herself. Well, it was only polite to ask. She's twenty five and doing her Master's in Business at the University. These diploma courses in Small Business management are just a sideline to help her finance her course. Her father's Danish. She broke up with her boyfriend six months ago and has been footloose since. I'm not sure why she told me all that.

I didn't say much about myself. Just that I was from Melbourne and working my way around. She said she'd taken a year off when she'd graduated with her first degree and spent it working bars in Oz. I implied I was doing that sort of thing too. It wasn't actually a lie. That's how it had all started. I just forgot to mention Uma and my career and a few other events that had happened in the meantime. But Daniela was just my teacher. I don't tell just anyone about my personal details.

Did I mislead her? Not on purpose. But, well, yeah. In a manner of speaking, I guess I did. I knew she fancied me and was sounding out the lie of the land. I was flattered. I remember thinking: "This would bloody serve her right. She thinks she's got me just where she wants me." I'm not proud of that. But I'm not about to lie to myself either. It did my ego good and I liked that thrill of the chase again. Not that I would have had to work hard for this one. Daniela was making it obvious in a sort of oblique way that she was interested in me and was up for a bit of fun.

We had a few coffees. The time just flew. I finally excused myself and said I had to work. She stood up and said she was meeting a girlfriend and also had to run. It was a bit awkward. We had begun to talk and now had to remind ourselves that we were just student and teacher. I also felt guilty. I was in the clear, innocent of any wrongdoing technically, but I had been having erotic thoughts about another woman and had spent the afternoon chatting her up. I'm not sure Uma would have regarded my behaviour as quite so forgivable.

Back at the pub, I hurried through the bar, ran upstairs and all but ignored everyone. Uma was just coming down, freshly showered and dressed in a tight black dress with a heavy metal belt slung round her narrow hips. She was slipping her slender feet into some high-heeled shoes. Wonder who she was hoping to impress tonight? Not me. It was my night off. She looked up and smiled shyly.

"How did the class go?"

"OK."

"I've been out all day. I had a lot to do..."

"Great."

"I should go down. They'll be shorthanded...Andy...we need to talk...about last night..."

It was a start. She touched my cheek and ran her hand down my face. I had the impression of a mother pacifying a naughty little boy. It made me clam up again. "Yeah. Later."

It was a busy night and it was late before we got rid of them all. Both of us were tired. It wasn't a good time to start a real deep heart-to-heart. We walked up after locking up together but neither of us touched or even went near each other. Normally we are inseparable at that time of the day, tired and needy. I wondered how love can be like that - throwing you together one minute and tearing you apart the next.

"Andy....I just wanted to say..."

"Not tonight. I can't face it tonight. Let's just get some sleep?"

She accepted that although she seemed upset. There was a bruised look about her. But I didn't know how to make it right. We undressed in silence and lay in the dark wrapped in our own unhappiness. I turned to her and slipped my arm around her, thinking that sex might be some comfort; she shrugged me away and turned her back. She's never done that before.

I was exhausted and just rolled over and went to sleep. I wanted to get out of my own life for a while.

 

The next day she was already up and about when I woke up. I went out early to the market. The place was busy all day. That's the trouble with this set up. We're with each other twenty four seven and yet we are not really together. There's always people around, listening in, observing, having their own say about our lives. It's like living in a bloody great fish tank. I wanted to take her somewhere, shout at her, kiss her, make her talk, say I was sorry - say anything. Not just having this heavy silence between us and this feeling that something was slipping through my fingers, something so fine that I couldn't see it as it evaporated into nothingness.

I made an attempt to raise the topic just before the evening session really began. She was upstairs taking a break, waiting for her nails to dry, watching the early evening news. Sitting down by her, I nervously tried to broach the issue.

"You wanted to talk?"

She looked at me and then turned away. "Not now. It's not a good time. I have to go down. Angharad's not in tonight and Paul rang to say he'd be a bit late.

"Just five minutes...I can't stand this..."

Jus then the door opened and Heather popped her head round. "Could you come down, girl? There are a lot of thirsty men baying down there....sorry...?"

I heard Uma's soft sigh; she threw me a look that seemed both confused and troubled. But she didn't say anything, just jumping up to follow Heather down. I threw myself back in the chair and raked my hands through my hair. "Fuckin' perfect timing..."

Uma might have left the room but I could still smell her perfume in the air about me, like an aura reminding me of her presence in my brain even when she's not there. My reliance on her favour made me angry again, a sharp spike of resentment that I couldn't quite explain. I love her. I love her so much. But somewhere a part of me is resisting the pull that she has on me. I want to be her equal. I want to have her to myself. But I'm not sure if she's capable of letting go of the shackles of her past. I won't be her lap dog. Ever.

I spent an hour or so on my books but it really wasn't working with my head full of all this shit. So I decided to go and have a drink with some of the boys. Down in the bar, I sat with a few of the blokes. We all had women troubles. Are there any other kind? Dominic, Colin and Lachlan were playing cards and smoking so I carried a tray of beers over.

"Here...room for one more? Night off. Should be hitting the books but not in the mood...." I began.

Colin looked up sharply. "What's up, mate? Trouble in paradise?" He looked over and nodded in Uma's direction. I glowered and drank back my beer, " Well, you're in the right place. They ought to call this table Losers' Corner..." He dragged deep on his cigarette

"Oi...speak for your bloody selves, you lot of miserable bastards..." Maloney chimed in with a laugh. He's got nothing much in his head these days. Too much mindless shagging if you ask me. Good luck to him. Maybe we should all take a leaf from his book.

"Deal him in," Lachlan muttered.

Colin did the honours and Dominic smirked. "...You as unlucky in cards as in love...? I'm a bit short this week... Hey, you heard that joke about this guy who was on the job when his girl's legs mysteriously turned into a pair of scissors...?"

"Normal woman, then?" I threw back and felt ashamed of myself for making it sound like Uma was some bitch. Curry threw me a cigarette.  Maloney rambled on with some smutty little joke about women who had your balls off as soon as they could get their nails into you. We all laughed and carried on in that crude woman-hating style. It wasn't convincing. You could almost see the blood on the ground oozing out of all the broken hearts. And we all damn well knew we were as much to blame as any of the girls who'd caused them.

 

 

About eight thirty, I left the miserable bastards to their misery and went back upstairs. It must have been about half an hour later when I heard a knock at the lounge door, turned and in walked Daniela. She'd popped over with those notes. The landlady had told her I was upstairs. I didn't enquire whether she meant Uma or Heather, so I didn't actually tell a lie.

I opened a bottle of wine. We had done coffee the other day. She talked me through the assignment, sitting close to me on the couch and occasionally touching my hand or shoulder while pointing out something on the page. There was an intimacy that I should have stopped but it felt good to have this gorgeous Sheila pouring herself all over me. Neither of us said or did anything inappropriate. But neither of us was fooled about where this could very easily lead.

"You have a room here?" Daniela asked as I poured her another glass.

"Yeah."

"She seems a bit frosty..."

"Who?"

"The woman in charge. She got her eyes on you?"

I said nothing, just smiled wanly and handed her the glass. Lost my chance to do the decent thing there and then.

Before she could go on, the door opened and Uma walked in. "Hi...you still here then?" she asked pointedly. "Evening classes, hey? I'm impressed. You are a shining example of a dedicated teacher, sweetie..." Uma's claws were showing. Actually it felt good. She was jealous.

"We were just finishing up..." Daniela began.

"Don't let me stop you. It's a miserable night. Safe home," Uma stood back giving Daniela no alternative but to get up and grab her coat. But Daniela wasn't giving up that easily. "Walk me to my car, Andy? It's a bit dark in the car park."

I couldn't refuse. As I passed Uma, I gave her a look that tried to say I had no choice but her face was stony. As we passed through the bar, everyone of course turned and had a good gander. I could imagine what was being said.

The night was foul, cold and rainy. I shivered without a coat and stuck my hands in my pockets as I walked her out to her car.

"She got you on a curfew?" Daniela laughed. "What a bitchy cow...!"

I took a deep breath but she was off and running. "Look, Andy...you want to do something tomorrow night? Go to a movie or something? I've got my own place. You could come back for supper...?" She gave me a look that made it quite clear what was on the supper menu, leaning on into me and slipping an arm round my waist, kissing me softly on the lips. "I really like you, Andy..."

I pulled away. "Isn't this a bit unprofessional...?" I said rather pathetically.

"We're adults. You're older than me. It isn't like school!" Daniela teased, moving in closer. I was leaning back against the car with her standing between my legs. If anyone had walked up now it would look as though we were kissing. Hell, we had been.

"Daniela...Uma's my..."

"Boss?" she said but her tone had an edge of suspicion.

"...girlfriend..." I admitted.

"WHAT?" she gasped. "You live with her?"

I wasn't sure what she meant by 'her' Either she was impressed, surprised or disgusted. It was hard to tell.

"Yeah."

"But, you said you were just travelling around...!"

"Actually I didn't. You said you'd travelled round Oz and sort of came to the wrong conclusion..."

"You bastard. You were just keeping me sweet. In case..."

In case. Celia had said that, hadn't she? In case.  In case things didn't work out with Uma? Was I already lining up an easy lay for the aftermath? In case? Was Daniela right? Celia had been. Maybe Daniela was too. Perhaps I was a bastard who took advantage of women. I felt like a bloody heel.

She opened her car door and threw herself inside. "Look, Daniela...we got our wires crossed. I wasn't sure how to tell you. I really appreciate you coming over with the notes..."

"Ms. Andersen to you in future..." she hissed back as she started the engine and pulled away in a squeal of tyres while I stood in the rain and swore. Well, I had really buggered things up now on all fronts.

I wandered back to the bar, slipping in round the back and running up the stairs. Uma was sitting there drinking a tumbler of Scotch, throwing it back too fast. I hate it when she does that. She uses alcohol like a weapon against herself.

"Look, Uma..."

"Andy...that was a bloody nasty thing to do to me..."

"What did I do? She is the lecturer. She called round with some notes. It's the truth..."

"Yeah? Nice try. But it won't wash. She's after your dick. And you looked as if you were quite eager to please teacher..." Her face was white and she seemed to have shrunken in some way. It was the first time she looked her age.

"That is fucking ridiculous. She's a mate...okay, I'll admit we're friends. But...I thought I'd take a leaf out of the grown ups book.  You know, try being friends with a member of the opposite sex for a change? Wasn't it you who regards that as a sign of maturity?" I knew it was the wrong thing to say but I still said it. I wanted to be cruel. To make her feel as I had felt about him. And I hated myself for playing that game, even as I heard the note of triumph in my voice. Even as it dawned on me that I might have a problem of my self image next to Terry bloody Thorne, but that she also had her own demons. She was scared shitless of a younger woman catching my eye and that she would not in the long run keep me interested. Her fears had always been as real and deep seated as my own.

I thought she would lose it then, shout at me, really have one of her legendary Uma- screaming fits. Throw things. Get hysterical. Slap my face. Any-or all- of those I could have dealt with. I had a strong surge of lust; my dick responded immediately to the emotional overload.  I knew that passion was building and that if she let rip, we would both fight and then have wild sex. I almost welcomed it to clear the air.

But she did not react that way. Her face set and she lifted her chin in a stubborn expression. "Maturity? Don't try and turn my words back at me, Andy. Your behaviour is saying 'puerile' to me. I don't suppose you know what that means though, do you? It means 'acting like a spoilt little boy'. How dare you throw my friendship with anyone in my face as if you are proving me wrong? You don't own me. No one owns me! If you are ever lucky enough to be invited back into my bed again, sunshine, then you better grow up fast. I sleep with men - not petulant little boys." She turned on her heel and ran back downstairs. I rammed my fist into the wall in temper. It hurt so much, I thought I'd broken my bloody fingers.

Then I took the bottle of Scotch to bed, alone in my room.

 

 

UMA

 

Those few days were so awful that I shudder to recall them even now. I hated it when we slept apart. Hated it even more when we shared a bed like two strangers - Andy made it worse by rubbing up against me like a randy dog or something. Was that all I was? Just someone to open my legs when he had a hard on no matter how he had treated me? I wanted so much to feel his arms about me - and he starts poking at me? I couldn't anyway. I had an appointment the next day for a smear. I don't suppose he remembered that. To make it worse he simply rolled over and went to sleep while I tossed and turned half the night. How could he be so callous? Did it mean so little to him?

The next day I was really busy. I had an appointment with my accountant, which is why I had been working all week on the figures, not my strongest suit, I can assure you. Andy's much better at Maths than I am but I didn't really want to ask him and Heather has enough to do without me giving her the one thing I am supposed to do. Then I had to see my gynae for my annual check up. I was looking forward to neither of those things.

I tried to talk to him before the evening got into full swing. I had sat in the lounge waiting for hours for him to come back from college but he was really late and then Heather disturbed us. I could feel this growing panic welling up inside me. I've been here so many times before. You think everything will be right this time and the whole thing collapses before your eyes in a matter of days. It had never hurt so much before. This time, I hadn't been wrong. This time I had found the man I wanted. The man I needed. But even now I couldn't keep control of the runaway horse. I was staring at the future, bleak and lonely. He will walk out. He will leave me. I will die of heartache this time. There are some wounds that are mortal and not even the greatest medicine can save them.

I'm not sure how I held it together all night. I was quieter than usual and I know Heather kept looking at me a few times and some of the others asked was I feeling well. I just shrugged it off and kept moving. Andy was around drinking and there was an atmosphere from the table he was on that was definitely hostile male. I kept a wide berth. Terry was there with Gaia; I caught his eye but refused to let him draw me out. It was all his bloody fault! I suppose he'd be happy when I was on my own again. I suppose he'd tell me it was for the best, that it wasn't real love if it couldn't stand a few tests. Well, if he opens his bloody mouth I'll smash my fist through it. But, I'm not a bad little actress when I want to be and I did my usual trick of swallowing it all down and putting on a breezy face and eventually I even began to believe my own story.

That is, until she walked in. She was a pretty tarty looking peroxide blond, good figure but she'll run to fat in a few years. Likes her own legs, if the micro skirt she was wearing was anything to go by. I felt like telling her the look had long gone. But as most of the men turned and gave her a look, I suppose she wouldn't have given my fashion sense much credence, would she?

"Excuse me? You work here?" she addressed me dismissively.

"I own here," I answered as terse as she was.

She looked unimpressed. "Andy about?"

"Andy?" I echoed.

"Well, you must know him as you pay his wages..." she replied facetiously.

"His night off."

"Doesn't he live upstairs? That's what he told me. He in? I could go up to his room..."

Like buggery she could. I opened my mouth to answer and Paul fucking O'Gallagher waltzed past and said: "He's in the lounge, love, Straight through there and up the first set of stairs..."

She smiled at me and tottered upstairs. I told Paul that if he wanted to keep his job he'd mind his own bloody business in future. I must have been scary if the look on his face was anything to go by. I tried to carry on as if everything was fine, but I just couldn't. As the time ticked by and Blondie spent longer and longer up there, I began to feel like I was going to faint. She was so young and willing. She wouldn't give a damn about him. She wanted a bit of fun and she would lead him on and he would make a terrible mistake and it would destroy us.

That's when I just ran upstairs and burst in on them. They were sitting talking with some notes spread out around them. There was nothing wrong going on but they were close and furtive. Andy spun round and blushed. He always blushes. There was something in his face that told me I had a lot to be worried about.

Well, I sent her packing, but he showed his annoyance quite openly, threw me a defiant look and then walked her down to her car in full view of the rest of the bar. I thought it was quite blatantly horrible. At the window I watched as he kissed her in the car park and they cuddled up against her car talking. Like lovers. I thought my heart would break. The pain was so intense it made me double up. I thought I would vomit or pass out. How had it come to this?

He came back in, looking sheepish, trying to excuse his behaviour. I couldn't listen to the hypocrisy. Not then. I insulted his manhood and walked away. I think he got drunk. I don't know for sure but he was still asleep the next morning when I went out. I don't know what Heather did about the lunches either. I suppose she and Mrs. Wilson must have managed somehow. It was a really busy day too. Cort's birthday. So much to do to get things arranged. But I had to get away. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't face their pity. I didn't want to hear their attempts to console me or make me feel better.

So I got in my car and drove around. Parked up somewhere in the countryside and went for a long blustery walk. I thought hard about the past few months. I faced my own mistakes. I had handled this so badly and most likely he was going to leave me; I sure would if I was him. But the long walk in that fresh raw air cleared some of the confusion. It was simple when it came down to it. I made a list of questions and answered them.

Do I love him? Yes.

How do I keep him? Anyway you can.

I had to fight for him. He loved me and wanted this as much as I did. Somehow I had to break through this web of insecurity and doubt that was bedeviling us. He thinks he can't match up to certain men. He thinks I secretly would have wanted Terry over him. He can't understand that I don't. That is his problem; I can't solve that for him. But there is one thing I can do. I can prove that Terry is not a significant part of my life anymore.

The thought of that hurt. I had to admit it. But - something has to be sacrificed in this. Or what does love really mean? You can't have your cake and eat it. Compromise is not the same as giving in. I will do this for him. At the end of the day it is simply a matter of two men. If I sit in the fence - or let myself stand between them - then I am actually saying I don't love Andy enough. Terry is as important to me as he is. But he isn't. I might not want to see Terry fade from my life but I would live. Without Andy I swear I would die.

Why? I don't know. But I am going to find out. If it takes me my whole life. Because he's the one. 

 

Once my mind is made up about something, I'm pretty hard to shake. I just stood up, ran back to the car and went for it. Half an hour later I rang the bell at Terry's place. I'd called his office. They told me he was working from home today. It was only when I had rung the bell that it occurred to me, 'working from home' might be a euphemism for 'spending the afternoon in bed with my girlfriend' but my sudden panic was allayed when the door opened and he was standing there, looking preoccupied, wearing a scruffy pair of jeans and an old T-shirt, unshaven, hair mussed up. Just not at all like Terry. For a moment we both stared at each other.

And then I slapped his face. Really hard. It actually hurt my hand. It must have hurt him too.

"What's that for?" he moaned and rubbed at his cheek.

"For Andy. I should have done it the other night. You may have cost me my whole future. It is the least I can do."

"Bloody hell, Uma!"

"Can I come in?"

He rolled his eyes and stepped back. "You gonna hit me again?" Then he laughed. So did I. "Come on in, Tyson...let's have a chat..."

So we had a chat. He made a pot of tea, cleared the mountains on paper work on the table and I apologized. He really had been working. He dismissed my words. "I get disturbed too much at the office. Just wanted to hide away and clear my desk..."

"Sorry..."

"I need a break..." He smiled and gave me that paternal look. "So, what is it? You still mad at me?"

I sighed. "I think Andy's going to break up with me. I think he's seeing a younger woman. I think you are part of the problem."

He didn't say anything, just gave me a wry look. 

"And I came here to tell you that I will not let you claim some proprietary rights over me. I may be an old friend but the only man who has the right to comment about the way I behave or about the intimate details of my private life is Andy Compton, not Terry Thorne. You got that straight? And if it is a choice between you and my man - he wins hands down."

He cleared his throat. "I just don't get it, Uma. He's a kid. What can you be getting out of this? Apart from lots of sex?"

I sighed and helped myself to one of his cigarettes. "You don't have to get it. I don't give a fuck if you understand. All that matters is that I do. And he does. End of story."

He nodded, giving me that one as he leaned over and lit the tip of the Marlboro. "I just keep thinking that it will all badly. That you'll be hurt again. I don't want to have to find you crying in a storeroom ever again..."

I smiled at that. He just can't help himself. "This is different, Terry. If this works, it will be for keeps. And with the greatest respect...I don't want to find you crying into your beer either if your love life goes belly up - but it isn't my business."

"He's too young for you. He can't understand you like..."

"...like you can? Is that what you mean?"

"...like a man of your own age can."

I blew out smoke. "Gaia's younger than you."

"That's different."

"It is so not different!"

"It so is." He mimicked my phrase. I stubbed out the cigarette.

"Talking to you is hopeless. You just make everything some kind of clever word play. This is not a game, Terry. You have the right to any woman you choose. But I don't have that right? Why not?"

He shrugged. "Because men and women are not the same."

"Andy thinks that our friendship is a fraud. He says men and women are attracted if they are friends and they want to have sex. Is that what you are saying too?"

"He's got a point." He leveled me a stare and I could see he was watching my reaction.

"So...he's right? You want to sleep with me?"

"Maybe it works the other way round?"

"Don't be so fucking arrogant!"

"Cap fits, love..."

I stood up in temper. He grabbed my arm and held me there. "Why did we never start something?"

I shook him off. "I didn't want you."

"That's a lie and you know it. Well, let me come clean. I wanted you. For so long it became like a lot of those unfulfilled hopes I'd had all my life. So what's your excuse?"

I froze and tried to grasp his words. "You didn't make an excuse. You stated a fact. Why did you never...?" I couldn't say it, even then.

He grimaced and sat back down on the chair heavily. "I don't know. Scared? Maybe. A woman I couldn't figure out. I knew that you would be hard work. I knew that you'd require everything from me that I've kept so far down for so long. Every time I got close, something happened and I backed away."

He held out  his hands as if in an apology. I didn't really know what to say in answer. So I went for honesty. I had never really told him the truth before.

"I wanted you from the day you walked in. But I ...I had slept with a couple of them, when they arrived. It never works out. With you, I didn't want to be some crutch for you to lean on awhile...so I kept my distance. But it didn't change how I felt. I used to dream of you. Fantasise I had the guts to tell you and by some miracle you felt the same. But...I don't know, Terry. I guess I was scared too. I thought you would run a mile from a crazy woman like me and I didn't want to be rejected by you of all men. So I fell into this mates thing. At least I always had that with you..."

"You slept with him when he crossed."

"Who?"

"Andy."

"Not at first."

"He didn't use you as a crutch."

"Andy is different. Don't bring him into this."

"Andy is the whole fucking point, love. What is different with him? He just easier to deal with than a man like me? You get the body without the risks?"

"If you believe that then you never knew me at all. I'm a lot of things, Terry, but I'm not a woman for settling for second best. If I were, I would have made my life a lot easier long ago. And for your information, Andy is not an easy option. You think I don't know how hard it will be to sustain a meaningful long term relationship with a man nine years younger than me? You think I don't stare at my face every day scared I will get another wrinkle? I even found a white pubic hair and nearly died....."

"I think that's too much information even for me, love," he grinned. I blushed. "I'll bet he never noticed it. Blokes tend not to be that fussy when they've got the woman of their dreams in their arms..."

I laughed. "Well what about you? How's your love life, seeing as you are so keen to talk about mine?"

He clammed up then. I knew he would. "Fine. We're having a great time. She's  a wonderful woman."

"She has a name."

"Gaia is a wonderful woman..."

"...and it is nothing to do with me..."

"Quite."

"Except I asked you. And I deserve to know the answer. I want to know you are happy. I want to know that before I walk out of here. Because that is the last time I shall ever be alone with you or ever have a private and intimate conversation again. You and I are finished, Terry. Whatever happens with Andy. You and me, we wasted our chance -and moved on. I met someone who I love more than I ever loved you...but what about you?"

"She's the woman I want. She's the one to make the difference. I'm not scared anymore."

It was as simple as that. He just said it. He might not have used the L word but it was clear that was what he meant. When a woman came along who was right for him, he had gone for it. He had never really loved me enough. I had never loved him enough.

"Thank you for being so honest," I said softly, standing up to go.

"About time, hey?" He answered. "We can still be friends, Uma...."

"No, we can't. Men and women can't really be friends. Andy told me."

"You always believe everything he says to you?"

"Yes. From now on I do."

Terry frowned." I value your friendship."

"More than your love for Gaia?"

"It isn't an either or.."

"It is. Mark my words. If she knew I was here now she would kill us both."

"Don't be so melodramatic."

"You gonna tell her?" I picked up his cell phone from the table and pressed Gaia's number. He dragged it from me and cancelled the call. "That was not funny!"

"It wasn't meant to be a joke."

At that he nodded. Walking round the table, he came to me, took me but the upper arms and held me. "I'm gonna miss you..."

I didn't even venture a reply. I was too close to tears. He leant down and kissed me softly on the lips, turned me round and patted my bum like a little child. "I believe the next line is...Go to him..."

I spun round, threw myself in his arms and hugged him tight. "I will be here if you ever need me, Terry..."

"Well, that makes two of us..." he smiled gently. His cell rang. With a grimace he read the display and turned away from me. "Yeah, babes?" It was Gaia returning the call. He did not mention me but mumbled something about working. Then he listened ( good, she makes him do as he's told!) and then said: "Yes, love." And then "No, honey." And then: "On my way." I was laughing my socks off.

"What are you laughing at?" he said as he snapped the phone shut. "She's at the pub helping with the party things. They are all wondering where you are. She wants me to come and do a bit of lifting..I'll just go and get my chaps and the Stetson....Let's hit the road? I'll drive your car...much as I hate that old wreck..."

Which was why we arrived together. Walked in together. Straight into the stony looks of Andy and Gaia.

"Fuck!" Terry muttered into my ear. "We are in the doghouse now..."

"In your case, I think it would 'La maison de Chien'...mate..."

"And in yours the fucking shitehouse...."

 

 

ANDY

 

I was pretty wound up at the disappearing act she had played that day, knowing full well how busy we were. I'd overslept and got up with a flaming throbbing hangover after drinking myself to sleep to stagger down to the kitchen and find Heather giving me sour looks. She muttered something about 'keeping your private disagreements out of pub business'; I acted surly and told her she'd have her pound of flesh as usual so stop whining. The atmosphere was chilly all day. Not sure I exactly felt in a 'Yee haw' mood for this bloody barn dance.

I didn't call Uma, despite the urge to do so; I didn't trust myself to be civil. I also didn't quite trust where she was. Well, I had a few ideas. I was pretty damn sure that she would go running to Thorne as she always did when she fucked up her life again. And I was bloody certain he'd be as pleased as punch to play the White Knight again. He'd play anything fucking game he needed to get her into bed. It ran through my mind all day. Pictures of the two of them together, him kissing her like he did that stupid Alice woman in that pathetic excuse for a film of his. Uma naked in his bed. The two of them making love. Once your mind sets up those images you just can't shake them.

It was early evening when Gaia turned up. I think we both got warning bells very quickly.

"Isn't Terry here yet?" she asked. "He was working at home. He said he'd meet me here for an early evening drink so we could help get the place ready for the party..."

"No, love. No sign of him. Can I get you a drink?"

"Is Uma around?" she asked immediately, her senses on high alert.

"No," I snapped back. Gaia bit her lip and looked around nervously. Then her phone rang. She fumbled in her bag. Missed call.

"Merde," she mumbled, redialling.

"Titi, cheri? Where are you? I'm already here...hurry up! I want you to give them some help. There's a lot to do here... Oh and can you please wear something appropriate to the theme? I left some things out in your room..."

She lowered her voice and went into the love talk. I walked away down the bar to give her some privacy. When she'd hung up, she accepted a glass of wine and we talked together for a while, nothing controversial, but I felt there were a lot of possible topics beneath the surface that neither of us would raise - and a feeling of shared comradeship. We were both in the same boat.

So you can imagine what it felt like when the pair of them waltzed in together half an hour later. He opened the main door, ushered Uma in with his hand on the base of her spine in that way he has with women. Like he owned her. Like he'd just had her.

I could see by their faces that they knew they were copped; guilt written all over them. I felt for Gaia. That fucking bastard doesn't give a shit, does he?

Uma slunk behind the bar, apologized hurriedly and went to change. I ducked out after her and ran up to her room. She spun round when I burst in, dressed only in scanty underwear. A surge of lust ran through me warring with my anger.

"Where the fuck you been all day?"

She blanched. "I ...needed some space. Andy....I had thinking to do. I just needed to sort my head out away from this place..."

"Away from me, you mean? Is that what you're trying to say? You've had enough of me? Then just say it. Don't go behind my back with him...for fuck's sake..."

Uma stared. "NO! That is not what I mean. Andy...Terry and I...we didn't...it wasn't about that! You've got to believe me...I swear..."

I didn't want to listen to her lie to me again. Dragging on her arm, I pulled her towards me. It occurred to me then how much stronger I was. It felt good to overpower her. She couldn't escape me if I...and then I felt sick that the idea had even crossed my mind. This was the woman I loved. How could I want to force myself on her?

"Believe you? You mean if I went there now, I wouldn't find you wet with him?" My comment was crude and she gasped as I ran my hands between her legs.

Pushing on my shoulders, she threw me off her. "Don't you dare speak to me like that! I went to him to tell him....." but she broke off and thrust her legs into a pair of jeans, buttoning on a checked shirt. "... Oh what's the fucking point? You've already sentenced us both. Judge and jury. I'm sick of your suspicion and mistrust. Just bugger off and leave me alone. I've just had it with everything. Maybe we should cool it. Maybe it is time to think it over..."

She finished dressing as if I wasn't there and then brushed past me to sit down at the table and fix her makeup. I had stood fixed to the spot throughout. Think it over? Was she telling me it was over?

I walked out then. I think I heard her sob as the door closed behind me. Or maybe I just imagined it. 

Back downstairs, things were beginning to liven up. Paul was arsing around with some stills he had of the film Breaking Up. Steve was pretty mad. I could see there would be trouble before the night was out. Not that the other men did anything to stop it. I reckon that they were all for a bit of a blue. Might just join in and throw a punch myself if this place goes up, I thought. You can be sure Terry Thorne's face will be somewhere near my right fist if I do - and I don't give a shit if he takes me apart. It would have been worth it.

Uma was round and about but she looked listless and subdued. Much as I felt, I guess. I think we both just wanted the night over with. After a short while, I overheard her talking to the others: "Paul? Angharad? Heather's around so I think you can manage...I'm going upstairs...I'm not in the mood for this place tonight..."

They both gave her a look, surprised that she was walking out on a big night like Cort's birthday, especially as she had only just shown up anyway. They weren't the only ones to show some interest. As I was drawing a pint for Biebe, I heard that slimy Palmer slipping in. Might know he'd turn this mess to his advantage. "Need a shoulder, beautiful? Mine's free ... no strings. You know that, right, Uma?" He glanced across at me and I made like I hadn't heard. But I could tell by his smirk that he knew I had. He's another one I'd like to stand up in my own personal firing line.

Uma flashed him a smile, the first she had managed all evening. Funny how she can brighten up when some sleazeball calls her beautiful but acts like a tragedy queen when I try to talk to her.

"Not sure I'm quite falling for the no strings bit, sweetie, but...yeah...why not...?

Buy me a drink and see if you can put me in the mood for tonight..." She plonked herself down next to him on a high stool while he fooled about on some saddle that had been set up for decoration.

"Well, who wouldn't be in the mood considering how festive and Western I'm looking?" he boasted.  I could have chundered at the cheesy crap he was pouring on her. "I see you fighting a grin ... that's a good sign. Now, let me just grab a bottle, some glasses and your arm ... let's go find someplace sheltered and you can tell me whatever you feel like sharing. How's that?"

I couldn't believe it when she slid off the bar stool and let him take her to a dark booth. They sat across a table from each other, heads close as she babbled on, no doubt about me and what a loser she'd got herself involved with. I felt like my head was going to burst.

Then I think it did. Palmer held out his hand and pulled her onto the dance floor and they launched into some sexy version of a waltz. His hands were all over her butt and she was loving it. "Oh for fuck's sake..!" I blurted out and then made for the door. That was it. I wasn't hanging around for any more of this.

I was fumbling with my car keys outside when Marie dashed up and called over to me.

"Andy! Andy! Slow down. I can't move that fast right now. What in the world is going on with you and Uma? And what are you doing letting that wise guy, Chili, move in on her?"

I banged my hand on the roof of the car. "I'm not letting him. She just does what she likes. Why are you out here in the cold chasing after me?"

"Why am I chasing after you? Because you're my friend, you ninny, and I care.

And I needed some air, Andy. Two of the guys have asked me to dance and I almost had a full fledged panic attack when they touched me. This trying to act normal and like nothing has happened isn't so damn easy right now." She grinned but I could see that there was real pain behind the face she was putting on. It made me feel ashamed. Some people had real problems and I was having a tantrum over a guy dancing with my girl. Uma was right. I needed to grow up. "But, enough of my soap opera of a life," she went on. "Let me hear about yours..."

She's so easy to talk to. It all came pouring out. "It's crazy. We've been at each other's throats for days. Ever since that bastard Thorne started on me... I've had enough of being pushed around. If I stayed in there a minute longer I would have hit someone..."

"Well, Andy. I don't believe in violence, but I sure don't believe in getting pushed around. Screw, Terry." She giggled and I laughed too. "Forgive the expression, but let him mind his own business and stay out of yours and Uma's. I thought he had a girlfriend. Why is he butting into your business? You do what feels right to you, okay? Don't let anyone push you around!"

I got the impression she was giving the advice as much to herself as to me but she had a point. Sometimes you just have to stand your ground and take what was yours. If I really wanted her then I was damn well going to make a fight of it. 

"You're right. I'm gonna show them I don't give a toss..." And I walked right back in. Barn dance? I was ready for High Noon the mood I was in. I'm not really much of a brawler but I've had a few fights in my time - and I can take a punch. Give one as well. I went straight for Palmer. Thorne was lucky that he was sitting playing cards and not in my line of vision. Anyway, it was Uma I was after. And any bastard who laid a finger on her while I was around.

Palmer was taken by surprise. I grabbed his collar and threw him hard against a nearby table; he stumbled and sent all the drinks flying. He would have retaliated but John Biebe was onto it quick; he held Palmer firm and said something to him to calm him down. Palmer wiped his hand down his face and glowered at me but he didn't move.

"Leave her the fuck alone....you got that? Mate." The place had gone quiet. Uma was standing there looking aghast at my outburst. I didn't give her the chance to open her mouth and say anything. Lifting her bodily, I threw her over my shoulder in a fireman's lift. She weighs so little. It felt good to wield my strength and do something positive instead of hanging around and taking shit from everyone. "And you and I are going upstairs....to talk...." I shouted at her.

She struggled and tried to free herself but there was no chance of it. I ran up the stairs; she pummeled my back and tried to bite my ear. I braced her legs firmly as she lashed out. Her resistance just made me more determined - and more aroused. Upstairs, I carried her to her room and flung her roughly on the bed. She scrambled up and started throwing pillows at me. She was so angry that she couldn't even speak at first.

"HOW DARE YOU!"

"I dare," I answered.

"YOU HAVE NO RIGHT!"

"Tough. Try and stop me..."

"You come near me, I'll cry rape and every man down there will be up to rip your balls off..."

"No, they won't. They'll be loving it. 'Bout time you got what you deserved..."

"WHAT? You are saying I deserved to be RAPED?"

"NO, I AM NOT! Who said anything about rape? I've a good mind to put you over my knee though and give you a bloody good hiding...Chili fucking Palmer, right in front of my nose...Terry fucking Thorne behind my back - what else do you think I should let you get away with? Wanna fuck Maximus over the bar while I supply the grapes?"

Uma bit her lip and I could see her shoulders shaking. She was trying not to laugh. I thought about what I had just said. I started laughing. So did she. We threw back our heads and laughed hysterically at the pair of us, white faced and screaming at each other. Screaming a load of fucking nonsense that frankly neither of us believed was true.

So why were we accusing each other?

I fell on the bed, giggling. I get like that sometimes. It's like a tension reliever. Uma flopped next to me and we just lay there chuckling until we were too exhausted to laugh any more.

"Have you any idea what you looked like when you stormed in and went for Chili?" she suddenly said quietly.

"A fucking nobhead?" I replied sheepishly.

"No. Like a real tough guy. Made me go weak at the knees...I know I shouldn't approve of men acting like mad bulls but....I rather like it anyway. It's one of those irrational things. You know how I am."

"Why did you kick the shit out of me then?" I turned on one arm and looked at her.

"'Cos I like to struggle. I wanted you to rip my clothes off and have at me...that's another of my irrational fantasies..." she blushed.

"You wanted me to rape you?"

She shrugged and put on that little girl face of hers - where she doesn't really know what she wants. "Well, it wouldn't have been rape, would it? Although I would have fought hard..."

"You are fucking nuts, you know?"

"Just found out? What else could I be? I love you, don't I?"

It was that simple. She loved me. I loved her.

What the fuck had we been doing?

Well then I had at her. She didn't fight. She just went all loose and helpless in my arms, her body arching and her head dropping back. She made me feel so virile. She always makes me feel like a man. Strong and powerful, dominant and in charge. No woman ever made me feel like that before.

I lost all sense of time and place. We must have made a lot of noise. I have no idea what the lot downstairs must have thought. I can't say I gave a flying fart frankly. They are always around looking in- so let's give them something to savour. We didn't go back to the party, which was pretty rude of us, I suppose, but as we could barely prise our bodies apart it might have been a bit embarrassing in public. I have no idea how many times we made love that night. Until we were exhausted. Until our bodies were sore. Until we both had cried ourselves out.

And then we lay in the dark and talked. She told me about her day. She admitted to secrets about some of the men in her life. I talked about my fears. She told me she had fears too. I asked her what they were.

"That one day you'll wake up and find an old woman in your bed. That I'll be too old to give you babies if you want them down the line. That some younger prettier woman will steal you away from me. That my temper and stubborness will turn you off. That I will hurt you. And they are just the ones I know about..." she sniffed and hid her face in my chest. I lifted up her face.

"You will never be anything but the most beautiful girl I've ever seen to me. Have babies now if you need to. I don't care. It's not just about me. I love you - even the bits that drive me mental. And the only way you can ever hurt me is if you turn away..."

"Is it really that simple?"

"If we want it to be," I replied.

She sat up and gave my words some thought. "What I think is...we're almost there, Andy. Only almost there. Not there yet. We could get there. But it will take time. Love doesn't come in a few weeks. You build it up over time. I want to build it up with you. I think we can do it. But this won't be the only obstacle. There will be many ups and downs. The most important thing is we stop asking "Why?" We have to believe that we do love each other. As long as we trust one another, everything else can be achieved. Please Andy...stop thinking I want another man...I don't..."

"Stop believing any young girl could ever replace you..."

She sighed. "I'll try."

"Then so will I."

She snuggled down with me and we rolled up together under the covers. "You were right..." I whispered as I kissed her forehead. "I did need to grow up."

"Me too. The day we stop growing, Andy, is the day we die. Don't forget that..."

 

 

UMA

This is a story about Valentine's Day. So I better mention it, hadn't I? I think Andy and I had our Valentine's Day early for after that glorious night when he threw him over his shoulder and claimed me for his own, the next days were just a blur of love and bewildering happiness. We must have got on everyone's nerves. Heather threw us out on Saturday and told us to get some air; we spent the afternoon wandering around the park and the shops, not aware of anything but each other, holding hands, teasing, stealing kisses, touching, wrapping ourselves up together from the cold and laughing. We laughed so much. At everything. At nothing. At ourselves. At other people. At life and all its stupid complexities and wonderful truths.

When Monday finally arrived, I am ashamed to say I slept through and didn't even hear Andy get up. The first I knew was when I hear the door close and I dragged myself bleary eyed from the sheets. I must have looked a fright. Andy was there setting down a tray with all my favourite breakfasts things. I'm not exactly a cooked English breakfast kind of girl so he had pastries and dainties and fresh fruit and steaming hot coffee with frothy milk and then he reached down to bring from the foot of the bed the most enormous bunch of red roses. He said there were 24 - to remind us that it was the 24th of December the first time we had ever made love. Pretty soppy, heh? I loved it though.

I sat up and rested back on the pillows feeling so happy and content that I hardly recognised this for my life. But he hadn't finished. He went to the CD player and selected a track. He pressed play and I heard the sweet plaintive sounds of Seal. Andy stood there a little self-consciously and sang along softly with him. The words could have been meant for us.

 

 

He placed a hand on his heart and sank down on one knee before me.

 

 

Andy held out his hand and I wriggled out of bed, totally naked but insanely unconcerned about that. He swung me into his arms and sang softly into my ear as we danced around the room. The tempo of this beautiful ballad to discovering the truth at the heart of love raised the beat as we swayed together.

 

 

He doesn't want either of us to change. He doesn't want me to be under his control. He doesn't want to be under mine. He isn't like any other man I've ever known. He wants to be beside me. Yes, I am like a bird in a gilded cage that he adores. But he leaves the door open and trusts me not to fly away now. It takes a lot of courage for a man to do that to the woman he loves. I don't think I've ever met as brave a man before.

I pushed him back onto the bed and sat perched on his knee, placing my fingers on his beautiful lips. It was my turn now.

 

 

"Be mine, Uma..." he whispered.

"I already am..." I reached over and pulled my gift for him from the bedside drawer. It was a silver ID bracelet with his name on it. He smiled as he looked at it and his thumb stroked the name. "Man on top, Andy. Turn it over...."

Beneath was my name lying below his on the underside. "You're the boss. Where it matters. And I'll always be behind you to back you up in everything you do. Believe ...."

He couldn't speak. His eyes filled up and we just held each other. When he found his voice again, he whispered: "I love you. I love you so much."

I couldn't have put it better myself.

 

There's nothing like a blue to set you up for romance.....Happy Funny Blue Valentine!

 

 

Songs used: Almost There by Bryan Mc Faddyen & Delta Goodrem and Love's Divine by Seal

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