That night I had one of those deliciously erotic dreams where you can't actually remember any details but you just know that you were doing something very uninhibited and probably completely socially unacceptable. However, that is the cool thing about dreams - anything is admissible in that state.

I began to stir, aware somewhere subliminally that there was a body wrapped around me. A male body. Big and warm, hairy and heavy, leg thrown over and arms cradling me. There was a soft low snoring in my ear and warm breath tickling the hairs at the nape of my neck.

It is such a wonderful way to wake up in the embrace of a man. I snuggled back even closer, dimly searching for the welcome hardness of an early morning hard on poking against my buttocks; my partner shifted his hips and rubbed lazily up and down with a low moan. I smiled.

Then my brain cleared.

WHAT?

A man in my bed?

Who the fuck is it?

In an instant my sleepy languor vanished leaving me in a state of shock. I wriggled from the mystery man's grasp and scrambled across the bed, clutching at the sheet, baring him to the chill of the wintry morning. He woke with a start just as I screamed "Oh no, no, no, no, no..."

It all came flooding back to me, vivid pictures of the night before. Andy finding me crying. Andy kissing me. Me kissing Andy. A rather heavy petting session. I dragged him to my room. And then.... Oh God.... we had sex. Several times. Pretty wild the first time. Sensual and slow, deep and heavenly the second.

Oh My God! This would have to rank at the very top of my all-time list of unbelievably stupid mistakes with men. And I can tell you, that is a list that is already so over-laden with hard-to-credit stories that even to make 99 is pretty impressive. To go straight in at number one is almost beyond belief.

How could I have done this? With Andy? I know I was drunk last night but not completely off my head. I cannot use that as an excuse. I knew Andy had a thing about me and I led him on. It was unforgivable. So cruel. The worst thing I could have done to give him any sort of encouragement at all.

Personally I have no problems with sleeping with men younger than myself. In fact, it is often a sexual adventure of choice for me. I adore young men. I love their zest for life, their single-minded pursuit of sexual fulfilment as if their sperm count depended on it, not to mention their seemingly endless capacity for erections. One other advantage is, of course, that they are rarely looking for much more than the end of their penis contacting with a hot wet slit. Which often suits me fine. Uncomplicated fuck buddies. My multiple orgasmic needs swapped for his round-the-clock hard on. Everybody's happy.

So, I treat them as sex objects? Come on...don't be naïve. What the fuck are they doing with me? It's mutual. They want to get laid by an older woman because older women are... better at it, less hung up about their bodies, not interested in commitment or babies and very, very grateful. Bliss to the average young man. In my time, I've had some very rewarding sessions with younger gentlemen. And yes, I do include some of the guys in the pub in that hallowed group.

But Andy's different. Andy is...Andy. My sweet Andy. I couldn't treat him like that. Not as if he was nothing more than a rather tasty life support system for a dick.

I had spent most of the time at the Christmas Eve party with Chili. He had been the perfect companion: funny, witty, lively, friendly, and as sexy as all hell. We danced. That guy can dance. I got him up to the Bee Gees and made him do a Saturday Night Fever impression. He is cool enough to carry that one off. Then we did the famous dance from Pulp Fiction. Well, my name is Uma...

I knew that everyone expected me and Chili to get it on later. Hey, even Chili and I thought that was where we were heading. I was tempted. I had no illusions about Chili. He was after me for my body and my business. Sure, he seemed to like me, but I wasn't about to kid myself that the man of my dreams had just showed up. I am rather past that sort of fantasy by now - and even if I weren't, I cannot see Chili stepping into the prototype I keep in my head of the perfect partner.

I also knew that Andy was reacting badly to the whole thing. In some perverted way, that made me even more inclined to play up to Chili's lead. After all, it was only an act of kindness to make Andy see that he and I were never going to be a couple, no matter how much he thought he wanted it. That's the thing, isn't it? We get these crushes on people and build this one person up in our heads to be everything we need but the sad fact is few people are ever what they seem. I'm not sure quite what Andy sees in me but whatever it is, you can bet your bottom dollar that it's a figment of his imagination.

He's asked me to dinner. I didn't know what to say. I could hardly refuse but I'm sure he'll regard it as a date. Which it is, in a manner of speaking, but not one in the sense that he would like it to be. It will not lead anywhere. That was my determination anyway

So what did I do? Got drunk and maudlin and then jumped his bones in a fit of selfish and self-indulgent lust? Great one, Uma. Best yet. I should have slept with Chili if I was simply horny. He wouldn't have had a problem with me using him to get my rocks off. I imagine he would have been using me pretty much the same. Why did I send him away?

"Mmmmmm...this is nice," he had said as we danced cheek to cheek round my lounge. "You want to make it even nicer...?"

He had dropped his hand and pulled me closer, ground against me, more sexual now, giving me the signal. I thought about it.

"Maybe.... I'm not sure..."

"Not sure? What more do I have to do to show you what you do to me, baby? I know you want it. You know I want it. What's to be sure about?"

I wriggled from his grasp. "I.... I just.... I just don't feel good about it. There's been too much casual sex in my life. I'm tired of it...."

"Who said this was casual? Man, I can see you and me going places..." he caught my hand and jerked me back against his body, smoothly easing me back into the music. "Don't pretend you haven't thought about it...I know you have..."

I looked up at him. He looks good. He feels good. He is very appealing, able to sound both needy and in control at the same time. There was a time when I would have jumped at the chance for a man like Chili Palmer.

But maybe that was why I was where I am today.

"I won't pretend I haven't. But thinking is not the same as doing. I'm sorry, Chili, I'm not ready..."

He smiled and tilted up my chin to make me look at him. "Who is it? Who is in there? Someone's eating at you....I can tell. Thorne? You still carrying a torch for him? Must be hard to see him wrapped up in the new lady...."

"Terry? What do you know about me and Terry?" I blurted out, angry now that he was beginning to probe my sensitive issues.

"People talk, you know how it is? I know you and he were stalking each other a long time. Everyone expected that you and he would..."

"Yeah? Well, you couldn't be more wrong. This is not about him. This is about an entirely different bloke..." Damn! Why had I said that? He was onto it with the speed of a cobra.

"...So there is another guy. One I don't expect? What's the problem? He with someone else? Ross? Still got the hots for him?"

"Of course not...that was over long ago..."

"Then do I have to go back? Lemmee see....Maximus...? I believe you and he once..."

"Is this some sort of confessional box? No, it's not anything to do with Maximus. We barely speak. I can't stand him and he can't stand me - if the truth were known..."

"....My, my...such bitterness? Must have been a great fight, baby. Don't tell me...you were his first defeat?"

I shook my head and walked away, pouring another drink. "Stop fishing. I am not going to admit anything."

He came over to me, took my hand, raised me up to my feet and kissed me softly. "You don't know what you're missing, honey. We could have been so good together..."

Chili didn't try to persuade me further. I guess it's not his style at all. If I changed my mind, I knew where he was. With a smile, he put on his overcoat and left, running smartly down the stairs and out to his car. I had locked up then and slumped back down onto the sofa, sipping at my brandy and feeling sorry for myself.

I kept telling myself I was doing the right thing. It was just a crazy obsession I had and it was impossible to act upon. I would damage him if I let it happen. Even if he thought he wanted it now, it could never work. Not with a woman like me. I'm all wrong for him and he deserves so much better. He is so very, very fine. Strong, quiet, intelligent, humorous and honest. How not to be attracted to a man like that, given his other assets? I must have started snivelling then at the thought of how bloody unfair life was. Most people just meet someone and it all goes fine and others, like me, never seem to get even close.

And when we do, some Loki of the heart makes sure it's the least appropriate person in the world.

I suppose that's when Andy made his entrance and caught me with my proverbial pants down resulting in both of us letting our actual pants down and ruining everything. Blame it on the booze. Blame it on the Christmas spirit. Blame it on my uncontrollable libido. Blame it on Chili Palmer for not pushing a tad harder and making me give in. But I swear, the moment Andy touched me I was lost. Not sure that's much of a defence plea. It's the only one I can offer though.

So I screamed, scrambled up the pillow and dragged the sheet with me to cover up my nakedness, managing to expose him to my gaze. He has a beautiful body, really magnificent, almost totally unexpected when you think of how he dresses in those frayed denims, shapeless sweats, washed out T-shirts and sports jumpers. He looks older naked, more manly, but still young, heartbreakingly young and perfect. He was lying on his side, his thick cock drooping on his thigh, his plump balls trapped between his thighs, his arm flung out where he had been holding me. There was something so innocent and yet so alluringly dangerous about this man-boy thus revealed.

My violent reaction must have disturbed him for he awoke suddenly, staring about him, for a few moments unsure where he was. And then he sat up and looked at me and I knew he had heard what I'd said. Andy's face is so expressive that he doesn't need to speak to tell you what he thinks; he is a completely open book. A whole gamut of thoughts passed across the strong young visage: hurt, confusion, dawning realisation, anger, humiliation...I could hardly bear to see his pain. He has been hurt before. I never meant to be the one to visit that upon him again.

Andy looked down at himself, blushed at his nakedness exposed before a woman who was apparently ashamed that she had let him in her bed. His hand covered his genitals and he turned away, slipping on his shorts. It was all he had worn.

"I think you better leave, Andy..." I found my voice at last.

He nodded, his back to me, and made for the door. As he turned the handle, he muttered. "I'm sorry...I...I'm just so sorry..."

I couldn't answer him. I let him walk away and imagined all the insecurities that my behaviour would cause for him. But, as bad as they might be, nothing could be as bad as what I would do to him if I told him what I really meant. Better to shatter his confidence now, make him harder and more cynical, than ever let him believe he had stood a chance.

I drew a bath and lay in it for a long time, washing him from me, the gelatinous traces of a man, that mark that lingers long after they have come and gone. I was sore and would be for a day or two; he had been rather over eager the first time and he's a big man, as they all are, but either less experienced in opening up a woman or less able to control his passion than many I had known. I tightened my muscles and felt the ache. It made me cry.

There were a few mottled love bites here and there on my body, a rough patch of beard burn, the usual stigmata of guilty love, reminding me of the terrible mistake I had made. But they would all pass in the days to come.

I was not sure the real damage would be so quick to heal. Hearts bleed longer than other wounds.

It was rather subdued at breakfast. Dino and Heather were full of Christmas joy, passing out presents and ready with kisses. Andy sat with a cup of tea and said little, avoiding my eyes as I avoided his. I paraded round wearing the cashmere sweater that Dino and Heather had bought me, Andy just smiled politely when they gave him a gift. It was a fine knit Italian jumper. He looked at it and set it aside. I saw their raised eyebrows.

As soon as he could Andy excused himself and set to preparing the lunch; Dino offered to run kitchen boy duty; he said as much as he hated that, it was preferable to washing up at the end. Heather and I went into the bar, gave it a vac and a quick clean around before setting up a few tables down the middle of the room and arranging an elegant setting.

"You're a bit quiet...."Heather slipped in while we were laying the settings.

"Hangover..." I answered tersely. "How many do you think?" I changed the subject. "Us four... Hando, Scarlet, Esme, Cort, Nash, Jeff, Paul, Lachlan, Sheila, Dom, Stephen, Bou, Jeffrey, Jack C, Johnny...who did I forget?"

"Maximus?" she asked, an eyebrow raised.

"Never asked him."

"No, but I did..." She gave me that look of hers. "He said he might..."

"Might? What's that supposed to mean? He got something better planned?" I rasped back.

"He's a free man. Maybe he has..." She retorted with that glance of hers.

I pouted at that and knew she saw through me by the slight smile on her face. "Well now...who else have we forgotten...? Ah yes...Chili...surely you asked him?" she said it with a question in her voice. I knew that sound. It meant, "Come on, girl...dish...!"

"OK...possibly twenty..." I ignored her implication.

"You did ask him, didn't you? Did he leave early this morning? How was he? Thank God he wasn't at breakfast though. That would have finished Andy off..."

"Andy? What's Andy got to do with this?" I snapped back.

Heather sighed. "Don't you dare tell me you haven't noticed how he feels! He's jealous of Chili, as you well know! Andy thinks he's in love with you! Look, I know he hasn't a chance, but the poor kid is still hurting. I wish you wouldn't flaunt your lurid affair with Chili Palmer in front of him..."

"My - what? Lurid affair? Jesus Christ...we have to put up with you two shagging at every available opportunity. I get some and it's suddenly a 'lurid affair'. Double standard, much? Oh...I forgot...you two are in lurve...."

I didn't really want an argument with my best friend today of all days but I did see a point in all this. If they were all so sure that Chili and I had done it then I was in the clear over Andy. At least publicly anyway.

"Hey...none of that!" she replied. "I'm sorry, bad choice of words. But he is pretty flaky, Uma. Even you said that when he first came in..."

"Chili is a nice guy. He is what he is. He has no agenda other than finding himself a place to belong. Like all these guys. But he doesn't have a natural home..."

"Maybe he hasn't looked hard enough? Come on!"

"Say I really like him? Don't I have the right? Dino...he's not one of them but no one gives a stuff about him washing up here..."

"Dino came with Terry...don't have me spell it out. But sure, if you fall for Palmer - good luck. Because you'll need it. And so will he come to think of it. Maybe you both deserve each other.  I can't quite see you two swinging along in perfect bliss..."

I banged down the dessert forks. "Oh really? Please enlighten me! So you now have me all sussed, do you? Exactly what sort of man do you see me in perfect bliss with then...?

She took the cutlery from my hand and rested it down, went to the bar and poured us both a glass of wine. "Sit down here. I am not being judgmental, Uma, but I think you are fooling yourself if you try and make yourself love a man who is so different from what your heart desires. You know we really wanted you and Terry to make a go of it? We both thought he was perfect for you..."

"Aw...not that again!" I moaned and started to get up. She placed her hand on my arm.

"OK. That didn't happen . But someone like Terry. Someone strong and gentle. Someone who can ride your ups and downs. Because, Uma, you are a wild one - and you know you are. That's why they all love you."

"That's why they all leave me..." I added ruefully.

"Maybe so...but there has to be someone out there who has the staying power...Russ is still making movies..!!"

"Jim Braddock? You could really see me stepping into Mae's cute little frocks? Get real..."

"Eucalyptus man then...he might be enigmatic enough to keep you under wraps...and if Russ should do Dirt Music..."

"...With my luck he'd play macho Jim not sensitive Luther - and we'd hate each other's guts..."

We both started laughing at that and drank back our wine. "Well, maybe you're missing the obvious? Someone already here? Dr. Wigand, perhaps? You and he could have some really good intellectual discussions..."

I giggled. "I'm looking for more than a brain, sweetie, although he isn't without his charm...but I was rather hoping for someone on the right side of fifty...and who could keep me satisfied without benefit of the little blue pill..."

Heather threw her head back and laughed at that. "You are too much. But at least you're honest. I don't want you responsible for killing the guy..."

"What a way to go, though..." I chuckled and rolled my eyes.

"...I thought you two ladies were getting the job done, not on the juice already...?" Dino sauntered in and brought our little tete-a-tete to an end. "That boy is a hard taskmaster...you know how many potatoes I've just peeled? It's almost ruined my nails..."

Smokescreen successfully in place, I carried on with the preparations and shortly afterwards the gang started arriving. I can't say it was the easiest lunch I have ever hosted but it was at least made more bearable by the presence of nineteen people than if it had just been the four of us. Nineteen? Maximus didn't show. Wonder who was pulling his cracker this Christmas? Everyone was in fine spirits and the uncomfortable presence of Cort and Bou round the same table seemed to pass by without a glitch; she sat with Stephen and Wigand, Cort stayed at the other end with the younger men. Chili took up the centre and entertained us all.

Andy barely opened his mouth. He produced a great meal and tried to keep himself in the kitchen most of the time, but the others dragged him forward and made a fuss of his cooking; he just smiled wanly and seemed uncomfortable. A few people asked me what was up. I said I had no idea. They all said the same thing in reply. "Guess, he's not too happy with recent developments...and gave Chili the eye..." I didn't try to dissuade them.

It was Chili himself who was the most dangerous to my little ruse. Apart from Andy and me, he was the only one who actually knew he had not spent the night with me. While everyone was slumped in after dinner torpor, Chili pulled me to one side; others left us alone, obviously thinking we were having a lovers' assignation. "So...did the earth move for us last night?" he asked with a searching look.

"What?" I protested ignorance.

"Hey...I'm not stupid, honey...everyone here is convinced we did the deed last night thus accounting for my good humour, your satiated reticence and young Andrew's inexplicably dark mood. I notice that you are making no effort to change their minds. Now I ask myself, why is this? Why would any woman want to pretend she rolled in the sheets with Chili 'The Sex God' Palmer when she actually turned him down...?" I opened my mouth to answer but he put a finger to my lips. "Either because she is trying to make someone else jealous...or because she is trying to hide who she was really with..."

"Shut up! I have no idea what you are talking about..."

"...Now who could it be? Someone who is not here perhaps....Maximus?" He rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "I think not.... Then...someone who is here...? An interesting little mystery...."

"Stop it! Just leave me alone and don't try to delve in my affairs...I warn you, Chili. If you cause trouble for me...I will..."

But he just leaned in and kissed me before swaggering off to join the others round the TV screen. I raised my head and caught Andy's eye. I saw him raise his chin and set his face in response - but his eyes said it all. He thought I was flaunting Chili before him. He was so angry with me. I felt so bad I wished that I could curl up in a ball and hide somewhere. Of all people in the world he was the last one I wanted to hurt.

Most people began to drift off fairly early. I overheard Jeff asking Andy if he wanted to join him and some of the other younger guys at some party across town. Jeff lowered his voice but still managed to make one of his trademark embarrassing stage whispers: "Come on, mate...we've gotta get you laid. I can feel the repressed sexual tension from here..."

Andy told him to fuck off. Jeff looked puzzled and shrugged. "Please yourself. I was only trying to help. Pull your own then, misery guts..."

Andy disappeared upstairs then and I sat down with Dino, Heather and a few of the others watching some movie for Christmas. I can't say I was taking much in. Neither were most of the others- a few dozed off and Heather and Dino were just making out in a corner. I was lost in my own thoughts and grateful that the lights were low and I could forget about putting on the act for a while. Not that thinking sorted anything out more clearly in my head at all. I was more confused than ever by the end of the night.

It was a relief to go to upstairs. Heather and Dino had left - they are off for a few days in Paris and had early flight. Dino's place is more convenient for the airport. That just left me alone with Andy. When I got to the top of the stairs the flat was in darkness; I presumed with some relief that he had gone to bed.

As I passed his room, I saw the door was slightly ajar and couldn't help myself but stop and look. I pushed on it until it swung open some more and saw Andy throwing his things in to a holdall.

"What are you doing?" I gasped.

"What's it look like?" he replied without looking up.

"You're leaving?"

"Reckon so."

"But...but...where will you go?"

He shrugged. "Anywhere. I can't stay here. Not like this..."

"No...please...please...don't go...!" I blurted out.

Andy stopped and looked at me, fingering a shirt in his hands. "Give me one good reason why I should stay..."

I put my hands on my head and covered my face. "We need you...you do a great job here..."

"I'm a chef...they're ten a penny...you could have your pick..."

"You belong here...you're one of the boys..."

"Yeah...the kid brother...who embarrasses ya...."

He gave me this smart look, his tongue on his upper lip and his eyes widened. It wasn't like Andy to be like this. Harder. Sarcastic. Cynical.

"I want you to stay."

"Not good enough. I'm not going to stay here just to save your face. Anyway, they all know. If I'm not here they'll say I left because of you and Chili. I'll keep your little charade going for you..."

"You can't leave tonight! It's Christmas Day! I don't think the trains are running, anyway. Please Andy...stay until the morning...sleep on it at least...please..."

He carried on shoving clothes into his bag. I tried to put a hand on his arm. He shook it away. "I'm tired of being used. It's about time I started using women like they use me...."

I backed away and went to my room, searching in the drawer for the gift I had bought for him but hadn't been able to face giving him this morning. I picked it up and ran back. He was already putting his jacket on and ready to leave.

"Andy...I forgot to give you this. I bought it for you..."

"I don't want it..."

"Please...just open it and take it with you. I just want you to have something from me, however small...I really do care about you. It was never about that..."

"Not enough though, eh?" But he put down his bag and took the gift, ripping it open. Inside there was a gold box. He stopped and looked at it, biting on his lip. "I know what this is..." He slowly opened it and pulled out the designer shirt I had bought him. It was a dark red colour, a warm winter weight but a bit more stylish than his usual fashion. I knew it would look really good on him, with a white wifebeater underneath worn loose over his jeans. God, he would look so sexy in it.

"Jesus Christ!" I was surprised at his reaction.

"What's wrong?"

"You bought it for me?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Why? Because...I thought it would look great on you..."

"I saw you that day. You were looking at this shirt. Like you wanted to buy it for someone you cared about..."

"You were watching me? When?"

"I saw you from outside. I was shopping too. I bought something..." He rooted through his bag and pulled out the same shirt, somewhat creased. "I bought it to wear today. Thought if you liked the shirt, you might notice me in it. Somehow I didn't have the guts to wear it..."

I whimpered. Turned and ran out of the room. I knew that if I stayed there one more minute I would say something I'd regret. In my room, I lay on my bed in the dark and cried.

A short while later, I heard the door open. Andy must have stood there some time before speaking for a time and then he said. "I wasn't wrong, was I? You were thinking of a man you cared about. Why are you lying to me? Why are you driving me away?"

I sat up and blew my nose inelegantly. "I'm not lying. I care about you. Just not in that way..."

"...I don't believe you. Last night...that wasn't just drunken sex. You know it and I k now it. We made love."

"It was good sex...I can fake it..."

He sat on the bed his back to me and breathed out slowly. "You were not faking. Why are you lying to me?"

"We cannot have a relationship. I'm too old for you. Find a girl your own age."

"Is that the only reason? That I'm too young for you? What the fuck does that matter?"

"Don't be naïve. Age counts."

"Well, it isn't like you're really old...you're just a few years older than me. What - twenty nine, thirty?"

I laughed. "Andy, I'm thirty five..."

"...Bloody hell! I didn't know you were that old. I mean, you don't look it...you look so young..."

"I'm thirty five...ten years' older than you..."

"Nine. I'm twenty-six. That extra year's very important..."

I smiled. "Is that so? Andy...I'm too old for you. I am not going to have a relationship with you."

"But you want to, don't you? At least admit that." He stared right at me and for a moment I felt like the child.

I nodded. "I want to. I have since the beginning. I just felt very attracted to you. So I steered clear. Last night...you just pushed the wrong buttons..."

"The right buttons. I pushed the right ones." He stood up and walked to the door.

"Are you leaving?"

He leaned on the doorjamb and rested his head against it. "I don't know. I'll sleep on it. But if I stay...I'm going to keep on trying. I didn't buy you a present. I didn't know what to get you. Maybe I do now...goodnight, Uma. Sleep well...I'll see you in the morning..."

He closed the door and I sat there in the dark totally at loss at what to do. He had taken the decision right out of my hands. He might go or he might stay. If he stayed he was going to wear me down. If he went he would not come back. I simply no longer knew what to do. It was as if it wasn't up to me anymore.

He wasn't about when I got up the next morning; I supposed he was still asleep, making the most of the lazy day everyone had planned. The day was cold and bright so I decided to go for a run, clear my aching head and work off my restless energy. I'm not exactly a keep fit fanatic but I swim a lot and do the occasional jog. Donning my sweats, a woolly hat and gloves and with my trusty Walkman for company, I set off and jogged through the country park to the town lost in a world of my own. As I came out onto the main dual carriageway that led down to the town, I was aware of a lone car approaching at speed from behind me. As it neared, I could hear it slow down until it drew level with me. I had one of those awful moments when you realise just how lonely and deserted the place you are in was.

"Good God...if it isn't the Speed Demon herself...!" I turned and saw Terry grinning across at me. "Too much Christmas pud? Must be something drastic to get you in that get up...have I ever seen you in track shoes before? Does Manolo do them?"

I pulled out my tongue at him. "I work out now and again. Thought you were the one who took a morning run? Didn't know you did it in the motor these days, ya lazy bastard..."

"Hop in...I'm going to get a paper...might stand you a coffee if you keep your trap shut..." I jumped in and we sped off down the road.

"Where's Gaia?"

"Still in bed. She's not a morning person..."

I snorted. "Ya mean you had her up half the night, don't you?"

He grinned over. "I rather think it was the other way round, love..." I swatted his arm playfully.

"Stop boasting...but it's good to see the blue pills put to good use."

At that he flicked my nose and scoffed that 'Me? Viagra? You are joking, love,' laugh. Then he did his usual rapier thrust under the belt. "So...Chili sleeping you off? Must have been a good night to give you so much energy..."

I gave him my look and didn't answer him. He just laughed and pulled up sharply near Starbucks. "Get us two coffees while I go find a paper, hey?"

"You said you were buying, you cheap skate! And I've no money..." I threw back. He pulled a note from his back pocket.

"A tenner? Just for a blow?" Terry muttered as a rather refined older couple passed us walking their dog. I could have thumped him at the look they gave us. I snatched the note and flounced off into Starbucks while he crossed the road to the newsagents. I watched him as he loped across, hands in his jeans, a V-necked casual sweater worn so effortlessly. I bet it cost a fortune. But he never seems to look as if he is trying. He just looks sexy and rugged and all man. I wonder how Gaia lets him out of bed.

It wasn't long before he joined me and helped himself to his coffee and his change, taking no time at all to put the screws on me. "So...you never answered my question. You and Palmer. What is it with that? Thought you had more sense." I bridled at that.

"I beg your pardon? It's none of your business who I see or why I see them. Don't remember offering any unwanted advice about your girlfriend..."

"...So he's your boyfriend now is he?" He had appeared to ignore what I had said and just smiled smugly into his coffee.

"No....you're not playing that game. I am not a client. Ask yourself why you don't like Chili. Maybe you should be working on your own motivation, pal"

He didn't like me saying that. I could see he didn't because he gave me one of his disapproving pouts. "I don't like him because he's a sleazy bastard and a bloke like him has got an ulterior motive even when he gives his mother flowers..."

I snorted unconvinced. "Get over it. You just can't handle an alpha from another pack. You want to pad the ground and blow out air before charging. Rutting bulls. Men...you are so bloody obvious..."

"Yeah? That so? Well, maybe you aren't so hard to read yourself. Ask yourself this. Why are you so keen to throw Palmer in my face? The guy's a first class wank off and you know it. But I suppose he's good in bed. That should keep you happy. But answer me this. Was it something I did? Or something I didn't do?"

Boy, can Mr. Cool find the jugular when he wants to. I had not anticipated him slipping so slickly into his sniper mode.

"I'm going to ignore that comment with the contempt it deserves. This is not about you, bighead, nor was it ever. This is about someone else entirely and has nothing in the world to do with you and me. I resent your implication and it makes me wonder exactly what is going on in your head..." I stood up and flipped over my coffee. It splattered all over the table and despite him jumping back, spilt on his lap. "Pity it wasn't still too hot..."

I turned on my heel and stormed off, ignoring the stares of other customers and Terry's plea of "Oh come on, Uma....!"

I took to my heels outside and ran back to the entrance to the park aware that he just might follow me and I really had had enough of his insinuations. Do they really think me so pathetic?

I ran and ran until I was exhausted and gulping for breath, having to stand with my head down and my hands on my knees while I fought the dizziness. Then I walked slowly, letting my pounding heart settle, a cold sweat beginning to form uncomfortably beneath the layers of my sports clothes.

Rounding one path in the frosty silence of the early morning quiet, I saw Andy sitting ahead of me on a park bench near the lake. His head was sunk in his hands and he seemed far away.

I got such a dart of pain in my chest, that for a second I wondered if I had pushed my body too hard and if I was having a heart attack. But I knew it was the pain of what he was feeling. And then I realised something. It was the pain of what I was feeling too. I longed for him and yet knew I could never allow it to happen again. But all I wanted to do was go to him and hold him. To tell him that I felt the same way too. If only we were the same age. If only I had been born a few years later.

He was much too young for me. We would never have the same interests. He was naïve in the ways of the world.  Other people would be shocked. It couldn't work in the long term. We wanted different things out of life. He should be with a woman his own age or younger.

Why was age such a big deal? I knew all the reasons that everyone would use in the circumstances but I couldn't help thinking that they seemed shallow and even unfair. Terry is older than Gaia. Dino is twelve years older than Heather. Bud is years older than Marie. Why is it different for women? Sexually older women and younger men are more compatible. And who says they can't reach a place where they can find common ground? Do I ever share many interests with the men I date? Apart from me and Maximus - and look where that got us? Who cares what other people think? Was I only interested in a life partner? Did I really expect any guy would last the distance with me?

I stood there, my head swimming with argument and counter argument, and watched him as he lit up and stood up, other hand in his pocket, that loping stride of his.  He really is a mess.  He just has no idea about dressing. He wears jumpers with holes in them, his knees often hang out of his jeans, his trainers are dirty and battered - but yet he looks so fine to me. So square-jawed and strong featured, his eyes so liquid green so full of curiosity and gentleness. He is so much more perceptive and intelligent than people think, raw and unschooled maybe but nevertheless clear thinking, cutting through the crap and seeing the essentials of the matter. He has no false modesty or need to impress; I observe in him a quiet strength as he accepts himself as he is. Unlike most men he does not need the cloak of a brutish masculine ego to protect himself.

At that moment he turned in my direction and saw me. He smiled. It was an open smile of pure joy that the sight of me, despite everything, made him happy. I melted. I knew in that instant that I needed that smile in my life. I had to see this thing through. My heart was speaking for me now.

Stumbling forward, I hurtled the path towards him and threw myself at him - he caught me, picked me up and swung me round and round and round and I laughed and cried and made no sense.

"Don't go! Please stay with me! I don't know what's happening but I feel something for you and it won't let me go. I can't pretend anymore. I don't want to pretend anymore. I don't know what this is, Andy, and it scares me to death. It's all wrong and will probably break our hearts but I'm on a runaway horse..."

He put me down and pulled me against him. "When you meet a guy, do you expect it will last forever?"

I shook my head. "Hardly..."

"So? What's different with me? One day at a time...let's ride the horse and see where it takes us...?"

It made sense. Perfect sense. I looked at him and wondered why other men had never said that to me. Just put their cards down and told me how they feel and that they want to try. Why had Terry, for all his style and aplomb, never had the guts to suggest we give it a go? Why had I never had the balls to ask him myself? Andy suddenly grew in my estimation even more. A man unafraid of love? Unafraid of putting himself out there? Risking rejection again and again? Willing to give it a try once more even after how I had humiliated him yesterday at such an intimate moment?

What a precious jewel he is. Why did I take so long listening to my head when I could have listening to my heart all along?

I took his hands. They were icy cold. "Your hands are freezing!"

"Don't have any gloves," he said bluntly. 

He is hopeless. "What am I going to do with you?" I sighed with a grin.

"You could root me until it hurts..." he laughed hopefully.

"I fully intend to. Actually it already does..." I made a show of walking bandy legged.

"Know what you mean...me too..." he winked. I took his hands and put them inside the waistband of my sweats. "That warmer?"

"I'll say...' he giggled and burrowed further, squeezing my naked cheeks and making me squeal - his hands really were cold.

He just chuckled deeper and pulled me even closer. We kissed like two kids in the park. We were just two kids in the park. Then I danced away and started to run with him giving chase. He caught me, threw me over his shoulder, tanned my bottom while I screamed at his playful strength and fought him and he yelled his exuberant happiness to the silent trees.

He put me down and we kissed some more. My heart seemed to stop and then jolt back to life again. I breathed the crisp cold air. The world seemed fresh and clean and innocent and new. A real beginning, setting out on the wildest roller coaster of my life.

"Andy...no one must know yet...it isn't that I'm ashamed...but...this is not going to be smooth, you know? This is going to be really a bumpy ride and they will all have things to say and their own opinions. I'm not ready for that yet. We need to be more sure in ourselves. This feels like the first little snowdrop of spring pushing its way through the snow. So fragile. So easy to destroy. We need to get to know each other as lovers first before we share this with the world. To make sure we have the strength to face the future together when that time comes..."

He nodded serious now, a thoughtful look on his face, chewing on his lip. He pulled me inside his coat, I inhaled his sweet clean young smell like recognising something you have been trying to put your finger on for so long. "I know. We'll stay private until we're ready. Until we learn how to ride this runaway horse. But I'll tell you this for definite, Uma. I'm never going to let you go. You are mine. Just understand that now..."

I surprised myself. He didn't scare me. I couldn't think of anything more beautiful in the world than being his. I took another gulp of the sharp morning air and felt alive, free, young. Everything was before me with this man. Spring had come early. I had just seen my first snowdrop.

We tiptoed back into the pub aware that Scarlet and Hando- while not given to early rising after a late night - might just be around. But all was silent as we crept up the stairs to my room. It felt like when you're a student and you sneak a guy into your hall of residence after hours. We stripped and dived into bed - it was too cold for romantic cavorting. Under the covers we just slipped into each other's arms and wrapped each other tight, snuggling down and giggling wickedly at our misbehaviour. I had forgotten what fun it was when you were too young to do certain things and had to break the rules. Does it ever seem as good when you reach the legal age?

Our love play quickly turned heatier. He was hard in seconds and eager for it. I love his exuberance. I love his euphoria. I know I should encourage him to go slower but there will be time for that soon enough. I'm not sure I want it any other way than this for now. I have had my fill of technique and sex games and men on a mission. This was raw unadulterated sexual heat, two people who just wanted each other so badly they couldn't decide what part of each other they wanted most.  He makes me come just at the feel of him; he treats my body like the most precious thing he has ever known. And then he gets carried away and bangs me into the mattress like a rubber doll. I love it. But best of all is lying in his arms afterwards and feeling safe. In our own private world away from everyone else where rules are thrown away, where positions are reversed and where I become a girl again and Andy becomes my man.

I don't know how long this can last but I'm hanging on for grim death this time. I'm not letting go of my best Christmas gift ever.