Oddly, I had been thinking a lot about that these past times. More than I ever did. In fact, I never really did much before. Well, I did, but... differently, not like that. (Hum, what a way to start!)

Maybe was it because I had been asked several times by our friends lately how I saw our future with John. Our future? God, I didn't know! I was working on the present and it was already quite a job.

Probably also because our close friends, Bud and Marie, were going to get married soon. The very first ones to do it, in our little group of friends who became kind of our family during these past months. The first but very probably not the last ones, I'm afraid. Did I say 'afraid'? Well, it's just a manner of speaking, you know! So, I was wondering who would be the next ones, there were so many strong relationships around us!

Of course, I was really, sincerely happy for them both, but marriage never made me dream before and I didn't think it would, even now that I was deeply in love. I've always thought that it was absolutely the opposite of what I've been after all my life: freedom.

But the worm was in the apple now. And I would lie if I said that I wasn't wondering about it. Really. 

So...

What's in a ring?

Something that begins with making room in your life for the other? 

John had made room for me in his life and in his house pretty easily... at least, it looked like it's been, easy. But I think that having suddenly to share his place and his life with another woman, after... well, after, must have inevitably caused him some trouble... even if only a little. He is a rather easy going guy and doesn't seem to let himself be too much bothered with things that don't seem important to him. But, in that case, if it had not been as easy for him as he let it show, then it means that he had to make even more efforts: both to accept me and to make it look like it was the most natural thing in the world. He lived alone... and suddenly, he was two... again. Just like that.

As for me, it had been way less difficult to give up my free but lonely life and settle in his than I've always thought it could be. I've never had the desire to live with somebody else before, being rather lonesome by nature, and by choice. I like people, but I need my privacy and solitary time. And I've always thought that it would be hard for me to give up this kind of life I had chosen and that I liked... but it had very few chances to ever happen. At least, that's what I thought. Before I met HIM. But, when John cleared some space for my things in his closets... and for me in his heart and in his life, I didn't even have a second thought. I felt it was just how it was supposed to be. And he gave me space enough, both physically and mentally, not to feel I had lost any freedom since I had moved few months ago. Until now.

What's in a ring?

The gateway to a daily routine? 

'For you see, each day we get bored more. Today more than yesterday and less than tomorrow' Yes, I know, shame on me for misquoting this classical romantic sentence used  by thousands of dreamy lovers all around the world, for years. Sorry, Mrs Rosemond Gerard.

Could the word 'bore' replace that easily the 'love' one in our lives?

John had been rather... absent-minded these past months, not really aloof, but... not far.  And our life together had almost become a... routine. I still loved him, maybe more than ever if it was possible, and I think he still loved me too. But it was more quiet, more sedate. Sedate is probably good... after several years, not after few months, I think. I don't know if it was because he was so sure that I loved him that he thought he didn't need to charm me anymore, because he was getting 'used' to our daily life, comfortable with it, with me, taking me and my love for granted? The fact was: I was getting less and less tender words or attentions from him, not as much as he used to do before. Apart from, fortunately, the private times we were sharing in our bedroom... well, not necessarily in the bedroom... hum... let's say in our passionate moments. And I was often the initiator of these private moments. Of course, he never said no or even hesitated (it would have shut me down for good), and he was even very passionate then. So why? I didn't get it.

But I was starting to wonder if he wasn't... bored with me. Don't get me wrong, I don't want his exclusive attention. And he won't get mine either. We both have a social life and are happy with it. We have friends we love, who are important to us, and we try to be available for them as much as we can. But... well, I needed to exist too in his life. To EXIST, not only to be. I needed to see again this twinkle in his eyes when I could catch him looking at me. Well, you see what I mean, don't you? I didn't want him to feel 'comfortable' with me. I wanted him to love me. As much as I love him.

Of course, when I asked him if he was bored with me, he looked at me as if I was crazy, as though this question was... boring him! Sincerely, I wondered if I really liked this quiet life we were spending together, in a daily routine. Him doing his things, me doing mine. We almost never argued. We were both easy going people and had learnt not to waste energy on things that were not really important for us. And, to tell the truth, there were not much material things that were important to me anymore. It seemed to be the same way for him.

I wanted freedom? I sure had it! He never stopped me from doing anything... Just as if he didn't mind! Yes, I know we're never happy with what we have, don't we? If they are always after us, we complain because of not enough freedom. And if they are not, we complain because of not enough interest! It is so complicated to be a woman! Sometimes, I wish I was a man, it looks so much easier! But is it really? Of course, there should be a happy medium between 'not enough' and 'too much', but is their idea of medium the same as ours? Huh?

So, it looked like we were 'getting used' to each other. Living side by side more than together. If 'routine' is what's in a ring... then I don't want it.

What's in a ring?

Expectations? Fulfilled... or not.

We expect him to do what the perfect one would do in our sweetest dreams... or the wildest ones... and that he, of course, won't do. Just because he's not us and can't even imagine what our dreams, sweet or wild, are about. I guess that theirs are pretty much different from ours.

Life taught me that the best way not to be disappointed was to expect nothing from it... and from the others, just count on yourself, and accept what could be offered to you every now and then, and enjoy it, simply. So, I tried to apply this to John too. But, even if it's difficult to admit it, I was losing the fight against my expectations. Particularly on special events such as New Year's Eve, or Valentine's Day. I just couldn't help letting myself wish, hope that he would do just what I was dreaming him to do. Aren't I naïve? Oh, you can laugh at me! I'm doing it myself right now! It's all I deserve. With that man, I allowed myself more and more to be weak, to rely on somebody else but me, to rely on him. The only trouble is that I was also expecting him to do what men can't do: to read our mind.

These special events had never meant anything for me before, or didn't anymore, but now, there was somebody in my life, someone who was so important to me that I wanted to share them with him. Absolutely. Completely. Stupidly.

Yes, I stupidly thought it would be the same for him. It was a mistake. My mistake. And, because of that, I spoiled for me, and maybe for him too, a good part of theses two events while we could have enjoyed them together if I hadn't stupidly placed any expectation in them, in him. If I had just let the things be, and enjoyed them just the way they went.

Both times, he made me work for what I wanted. Did he do that on purpose? Or didn't he just understand what I wanted? I never stopped thinking he loved me, even then. But I thought maybe it was only a game for him... to test me? To test my love? Or maybe it just didn't mean as much to him as it did to me. Does that make of him a bad person? Oh no! Not bad! Certainly not!  Just... different. From me. I had to learn to live with that. To live with him. That's what life is about: learning, again and always.

On New Year's Eve, all I wanted from him was to kiss me into the new year, it was a strong symbol for me... and he kissed everyone round the world in the Pub, forgetting me on purpose. It was a joke, I know it. But I didn't find it funny at all then.

On Valentine's Day... oh, Valentine's Day! This year, I had been looking forward to that day for the first time in my life. The last time I'd spent it with a man, he invited me to dinner, in a charming restaurant, with all the usual stuff fitting a romantic evening on that special day: candles, soft music, refined food. And he talked to me tenderly, passionately all evening long... about his wife and how much he missed her! Alright, it's true that we were just friends, even if very good ones, but, well, you just picked the wrong day, pal... and the wrong person! The other years, I used to do as if I was deaf and blind to all those soppy things reminding us that this was obviously not an ordinary day for those who were two. Meaning: for the others. I was not unhappy about this. You know, I've always done this 'I can't have it, so I don't want it' thing. It makes you feel like it's your own choice. In a way, it is.

To be honest, I've often wondered how it was to spend that very day with a man who cared for you, I mean, really cared, well who loved you, and who you loved back. Would we be caught in the atmosphere of this special day? I'm usually rather realist, but, this year, so many things had changed in my life, in my heart, in me. John was rather romantic in the first months of our relationship. So I allowed myself to think that it could be possible, like in these ridiculous dreams I had sometimes and that I chased away with a laugh on the morning, but that left a bittersweet memory long after they were gone. Yet, this year, I admit I wished we could let ourselves be carried on that romantic, soppy Valentine's Day wave.

But, because in real life there are always 'buts', it didn't happen at all the way I wished it would. My romantic lover was so focused on trying to help friends to find their happiness again, that he almost forgot our own.

Frankly, I was as thrilled as him to bring Cassie and Lachlan back together on that special day. And I was so excited when we both invited them to lunch, separately, and didn't show up, leaving the two of them alone, giving them a chance to face each other again. We generally don't interfere in others' lives but we both thought that these two just needed a slight push in the back. I've always loved happy endings!  And I was very sincere when I said that, seeing them again together was the most beautiful gift I ever received for Valentine's Day. Even if it makes me sad now to think that it was just temporary. C'est la vie. It's life. Their life, their choice... or not. I keep thinking they were meant for each other, but in fact, maybe were we wrong, even at that time, who knows? But it was worth trying and, if only for that, the big happy smiles on their faces when we met them at the Pub party that night were enough to justify our efforts.

So, John was so caught by all this, and by our other friends, that he barely listened and didn't even notice when I gave him the gift I had been preparing for days, with care, and love: a romantic weekend in a cosy log-cabin, including dog sledding, because we had mentioned it when we first met. And, while our other friends were dancing, kissing, offering romantic gifts to each others all around us, even the younger and less thoughtful ones, John was there, smiling at them, with a melting look. I had to remind him that I was there. Oh, he probably didn't do it on purpose. And I probably wouldn't have cared on any other day. But this one...

I wanted so bad to hear him tell me these three magic words again, once more, if only once, today of all days... And it took hours before I heard them. At last. I don't doubt he meant them, and they sounded like music, like a poem out of his mouth... but so much for spontaneity!

Of course, both times, on New Year's Eve and Valentine's Day, what I got from him...after, was wonderful. Maybe even more because I thought I wouldn't have it, or because he was sorry and made it better, I don't know. Like a gift you're expecting and somebody cruelly makes you believe that you won't get it... and gives it to you later, when you're really disappointed. You're twice happier. But was it what I wanted in my life: to feel bad so it would be twice better after? No thanks; I'm not much into suffering when I can avoid it.

What's in a ring?

A partnership?

To do things together, to walk side by side the happy and not so happy trails of life? We already had that. Well, mostly. See? I told you! We're never happy with what we have, we always want more... but it's just human, isn't it? Did I just hear someone say "No, not human, just female"?

Yes, we had this during the hockey game. Not only he let me play with the men, but he asked me to... that meant a lot to me, to see that he wanted me by his sides, in his team, that he was not afraid of sharing with me something so important for him, that he was sure enough of his masculinity that he didn't feel threatened by women's presence on his field. That's how he is, my man!

It was good to see that he wanted me on the ice with him... unlike Jack for example who is a very sweet and adorable man, but absolutely never accepted to let Angel take part of this dangerous game, just because... because he didn't want any harm to happen to her... because he... cared for her. Did that mean that John didn't...? Nawww, he did, I know he did! He told me that he was worried for me... after the game...

What's in a ring?

Listening and understanding each other? 

Hum, no problem with the listening part. He does listen, or seems to. That's hearing that is more difficult... and I'm not even speaking of understanding. Hey, I won't let you think that he's stupid. He is not! Far from it! He understands most things better than anybody else. No. It's the... female things he's having problems with. Oh, he tries. He tries sometimes to figure out what's in our complicated female minds. I'm not saying that he gets it each time. In fact, he generally doesn't. Frankly, do we ourselves? But he tries, he tries hard, and that's what counts. He even tried to read discreetly that book that Marie lent me about Men being from Mars and Women from Venus. Not sure it helped. Can't really say though... I never managed to read it!

Yes, he tries. But, when he really can't figure me out, when it becomes too complicated for his male brain, he just gives up, just ignores me, or what I want, or say. That makes me crazy, I hate it when he does that. It makes any fight impossible, and leaves me frustrated. Not that I like fights! I don't. But sometimes, it helps to figure things out, or, at least, to let off steam.

What's in a ring?

A promise that you're going to love each other forever?... 

Forever? What is forever? No, I won't start again on that topic!  But I generally use the words 'always' and 'never' with much care. We 'never' know and there's 'always' a doubt. I've pretty much lived my life following these two sayings: 'Past is past' and 'Tomorrow is another day'. What's left? Right, the present! It's already a big job to do what we can with the present, to try and make it as good as possible.

The present, that's what was worrying me at that point of our life together. I want to love him forever. But is it still love that he feels for me right now?

Besides looking forward to spending some valuable time with good friends, that's one of the reasons why I was so eager to go to the Spa, and yes, without him! I thought it would give us time to see where we were in our present, not to mention our future.

When I told him about the Spa, it seemed totally alien to him that I could go somewhere for one whole week without him. To be sincere, it also sounded odd to me. But were our reactions the expression of a real need for each other still... or only a habit now?  And, of course, he tried to talk me out of going there... but he tried the wrong way! By implying that he could get himself into some kind of trouble in the company of some other boys while I was gone! It made me mad. He's not a kid anymore, and more than that: I am not his mother! If he wanted me to stay, he just had to say so. And give me good reasons, such as he couldn't live without me or something, instead of implying that I should stay to keep an eye on him and make sure he wouldn't do anything stupid with himself! Is that too much to ask? The answer is probably yes.

I wanted this time apart to help us to see how strong our love was, if we would miss each other, if HE would miss me. Because, as for me, I already knew I was going to. Badly.

But it didn't help. We never talked about this. Of course, they assaulted the spa to join us, but who's idea was that?  Even he wasn't sure about it. I found him passed out on my bed one night. And without even thinking too much about it, because I knew I couldn't get any answer out of him, I had spent the whole night watching over him and soothing him in his restless sleep, while he was tossing and turning, snoring or mumbling indistinct words, probably mostly curses.  When he woke up in the morning, and I softly asked him about what happened, aware of his foggy state and his probable strong headache, all he could say was:

"Couple of the guys decided enough was enough."

Couple of guys? Not him? No, probably not him.  And then, he started to tell me a story trying to give himself a big role in that crazy adventure. That man just doesn't know how to lie! He never did. Who knows why, my tired mind started to think about Pinocchio while listening to him... And, a moment later, that same wicked mind kind of wished that, like him, lies had that particular effect on some part of my man's body... and I'm ashamed to confess that I was not thinking about his nose then. Because, if his joke about how dead was "little John" made half of me laugh, the other half of me was left unsatisfied... What do you think? I'm just like any woman here, it's not because I don't talk much about... 'it' that I don't need it. Like my other friends, I had craved for my man all week long, mostly for his loving heart, but his strong and warm body too, And I could add that I haven't used any battery, but it would be too much information, so I won't say it.

But I wander from the point. Where was I? Ah yes, little John....No! Big John lying. Well, most of the men did it that morning, it's true. But I'm not loving and living with most of them. It's him who counts for me. And he thought he had to make up some story to make me proud of him? How so little could he know me? I'm not in love with some kind of fantasy hero. I'm in love with him. HIM. The whole of him, the real him, the daily him. Him waking up all grumpy, but also him smiling at me as soon as he had gulped down his coffee and was regaining the land of the living. Him and his particular fears he would rather let you cut his tongue (or cut mine) than admit them. Him complaining about my noisy and bad tempered horse for weeks, but also him asking East and Egan to find him a girlfriend (should I say a 'marefriend'?) And I could go on for hours! But I did not need him to tell me some tall tales! All he would have had to do was to say simply : "I missed you, I wanted to see you, I needed you". But he didn't.

So, on that morning, after having checked by myself the comatose state of poor little John... and its owner, I just sent them both to the shower and left the room to join our friends at the party Michele and Chili had organised for us all. And we never talked about it again. Not even when, back home, I found a house perfectly in order, with even, oh surprise, fresh and beautiful flowers in my vases! I asked him who did that, wondering if he had hired some housekeeper or something, but he eluded the question and never answered me. Don't get me wrong, John is better with order than I am, but I thought that he would enjoy some kind of carelessness while I was gone.

East had kindly allowed me to put Altair, my horse, in his stable for the week, because I didn't want any problem between these two important males in my life while I was gone. I didn't want to bother John by asking him to feed that grumpy horse each morning and each evening, and I didn't want to risk any accident, if one decided to bite the other!  When I drove to the stables to pick up the horse and bring him back home, East, in his own natural and uncomplicated way of being and saying things just like they are, told me that John came there several times during the week, to make sure the horse was fine. But John never told anything to me about this. Did he just forget? Didn't he want me to know? Was it just for him nothing but paying visit to East and taking advantage of being there to check on the horse? Or did that mean more to him, like it could mean to me? No, it was my girlish mind who was trying to give it more meaning than it had in reality. John had kindly and patiently admitted Altair in our life and even told me once that, for him, the horse was now part of the family, even if an annoying part. It touched me very much. But I suspected that he probably considered all this like a part of his 'duties'.

So, that week at the Spa didn't teach me anything. At least, about where we were in our relationship with John at the present time. Because it taught me many other things, about my friends, and some about myself too. We talked a lot about our men, a little about marriage. It made us girls think, it made us wonder. It drew us girls even closer than before.

The wedding day was getting more and more close. 

What's in a ring?

The big day? The princess dress? 

John and Bud made such a fuss about how boring and uninteresting the preparation of a wedding was, that I admire Marie for staying calm and keeping on doing all her things while these two were making fun of it. Even if only because of that, the dream would become a nightmare for me! I hoped that Bud discreetly helped Marie, his own way. But, if he did, he of course, never admitted that to John, as you can imagine! Man pride, you know! So, it became obvious to me that John was not ready to go through all this, again, with anybody, not even me. I started to wondered how he was when he married Donna? I'd like to think that he was supportive then, but... I don't know.

Anyway, if the pleasure to see himself in a beautiful tuxedo (and he seemed to appreciate it so much!) would certainly not compensate for him all the bothers of the organization, the pleasure to wear a beautiful dress and to be the princess of the day would not be enough for me either to go through all this without his support. 

What's in a ring?

The will to attest, officially, that you belong now to someone else, body, heart and soul... when you are not even sure you belong to yourself?

To prove to him and the others that you're ready to give yourself completely to the man you love? Even if he's a sheriff, does he need that kind of evidence in his private life? I don't think so. Women do, not men. Well, some do, but most of them don't. I think that John belongs to the second kind.

And, as if it was not enough, we, women, have to also prove our love by giving up even our name, the one we've been wearing since we were born, the one that our brothers have rights to wear till the end of their life and pass on to their children, the one that is the symbol of our own roots, the one that is carved on our parents' grave.

I love him. He already has my heart. I gave him my soul months ago. Not to mention my body. But I do not want to disappear in his identity.

And came Marie and Bud's big day! The best day of their life! The very day when they needed their friends and family. Well, for most part of it, at least. For the last part... all they needed was each other!

And guess what? I messed it up. Completely. At least, my part. It may have not shown much because I did my best to hide it, but I was not really myself, and Marie and our friends, without saying anything, had to do many things that I was supposed to do, probably wondering where was my mind on this day? Lost in John's thoughts? Unfortunately not!

What a maid of honor I had been! Marie keeps saying I did good. But I know I did not. 

Altair, my dear horse, has had to undergo an important and vital surgery just the day before, and I was worried to death. It's not a good excuse for being so absent-minded on our good friends' big day, I know. And I feel ashamed of that. But I couldn't help. I lived the most important day of my friends' life through a kind of fog, like a ghost. And, although I had been waiting for this event for months and was sincerely glad to see our dear friends so happy, I just couldn't come back down on earth and to the real things. I hardly heard Cort's speech in the church. Everybody was sniffing... well, mostly the girls. But I was not really here.

Then came the reception... and the speeches. The speeches? What speech? I hadn't prepared anything, I'm don't even remember if I said something. I almost hope I didn't because it would have been a successions of banalities and uninteresting things, and our friends deserved much better than that!

Wait,  I remember now! No, I didn't say anything, fortunately. Seems to me that I asked Marie about that and, seeing the panicked look on my face, she kindly said that it was not necessary. Poor Marie, I wish so much I could have been a better maid of honor for her! But John made a speech... I think?

John. He was so busy, I hadn't seen much of him.  He was being his usual self, taking care of everybody around, and particularly Bud, trying to help everyone, everywhere. I was so proud of him! As always! I thought he hadn't even noticed I was not myself. Even if he could have been by my sides all the time, I'm not sure he could have really helped me. And I was glad that, at least, one of us was doing his job! I knew I should have done the same. But I couldn't. I was not able to do anything useful. I was just.... empty, and feeling that I didn't belong, while I was with those dear friends, a kind of family for us. Something was wrong, very wrong with me. You know that weird feeling of being lonely while you are surrounded by many people, of not belonging to here, even if these are people you love, of not belonging to... nowhere... That's how I felt then.

What's in a ring?

The desire to make sure, (but what's ever sure?) that, when you will wake up each morning, he will be here, by your side... and will make you feel worthy to be loved. And you'll do the same for him.

After all, he may have seen that something was wrong with me from the beginning, in spite of his seeming lack of attention for me. Because, just before the ceremony, after having left Bud for a while with the other men who were each trying their own way to calm down our nervous and anxious groom: John with card tricks, Andy with cook recipes, Terry by explaining some take down techniques, Zack by giving him a drink... (Marie didn't like that!), he came to flirt with the girls, joking with us all, in a very good mood, and has been adorable with me. Just what I needed.

Yet, when I think about it, it didn't start very well first, with the thing about the... slinky dresses... He seemed to notice them for the first time then, and, was it a joke to try and distract me, was he sincere? It seemed to annoy him.

"You didn't say that your dresses were going to be slinky, Clarity."

I was sincerely surprised and looked at him, wide-eyed. 

"Don't pull the innocent act on me, honey" he added "though it does look rather nice on you... and I can't resist you like that ... but other than that ... don't pull it on me. Okay?"

Well, this sure felt like a mixture of ice and fire to me, and it brought me back down on earth immediately. What was the matter with him?

"Can I confess I really don't know what slinky means...?" I asked trying to divert his attention from these beautiful and not that provocative bridesmaids' gowns.

Marie tried to explain it to me, but he did it his own way, a very easy way for me to understand: 

"Slinky = other men can see what only I should"

What was wrong with him? He hadn't said anything to me about my lack of embarrassment with showing a little too much skin (there are naturist beaches in the resort where I used to live before) since last summer when we all had a swim nude in a secluded lagoon of Hawaii.

He was telling me this softly, nicely. I thought he was probably joking, just teasing me. But he insisted. 

"You got a wrap for that dress? Wear it." Here we go again. 

Scarlet tried to help: "No wrap John, let her enjoy the dress. We're all going to be looking at you, let her get some looks too!" 

Clever Scarlet! What a better way to distract a man's attention from an embarrassing subject than flattering his ego? I must say that he was beautiful in his tuxedo, confirming indeed what he had been telling us constantly for weeks since the first time he had tried it on.

"It's not her enjoying the dress I'm worried about, is it?" That was it! He was.... was he...? 

"Hey, since when are you jealous?" I couldn't help asking. I didn't remember him being jealous with me. With Donna, yes, but not with me. Never. But it's true that I never gave him any reason to be so.

"He knows what slinky means," answered Scarlet, making me laugh

"I'm not jealous. Just practical. They see you in a slinky dress and ... you know? They won't be able to resist you ... not since they're all already half in love with you" Practical! He called this being practical! Men!

That was silly, no man but mine is interested in me, not even half interested! It was childish... but so cute. Even if it embarrassed me and made me blush to hear him flattering me like that in front of our friends, it made me feel good. And, when I asked him in a whisper to stop it, he added, stubbornly, but sweetly:

"I'm telling the truth."

He was so cute, so touching then with his stubborn boyish look, that it made me smile broadly, for maybe the first time of the day. 

He joked with the other girls, Carol, Heather... Then Uma arrived and he immediately tried to win her over to his cause:

"Uma, you're with me where the dresses are concerned, right? Just say yes."

I couldn't believe my ears when I heard Uma just do what she was asked and say quietly 'yes'. She should know by now that it's not very wise to say yes to a man without even knowing what the question was! Hahaha! It didn't take him long to jump at the opportunity:

"Clarrie, I'm gonna go home and grab that little shawl of yours I like. You can wrap it around you, seeing as how Uma agrees with me about the dresses" But, while it should have annoyed me to see him being so overprotective, it made me feel... well, protected.

He kept on flirting with the girls for a while, then left to go back to the anxious groom. Noticing that I was a little sad when he left us, he told me other sweet words, that only me could hear, and made me promise a dance for him when his best man's job would be over.

What's in a ring?

Love.

Hum, here is the big word! Love! What's love? Respect, sharing, trust, faith, hope, giving, and many other things...

"I want it!" 

Who said that? Everybody turned their head to look, stunned, at the one who had just shouted this with a voice... that voice...mine! My voice? Me? Was it me who just said that out loud when Marie asked the fateful question: "Who wants my bouquet?" Me? Really me? Clarity?...

I was talking with Gaia about how little I was made for marriage... and how very few chances there were that John ever asked me after what I had told him months ago...and how unsure I was about what I really wanted anyway, and..."I want it!" How could I have done that, making such a fool of myself? I had managed to go through most of that day being almost invisible, like a ghost, and now, all the eyes were turned toward me. I felt... I felt... you know these nightmares when you dream you're nude in a schoolyard and everybody is looking at you? Terrible, isn't it? Well, I felt that way. Hum, if you've never had that dream, please just let me know, it would mean that I should urgently make an appointment with a shrink!

Even if I unfortunately already knew the answer, I tried to ask if I had really said that. Ann and Bou confirmed me that I did. Everybody was as shocked as I was. Someone, I think it's Bou, even asked if John had heard that. John! Oh my! I was already surprised enough to have done this without even thinking about it, without even asking myself! But him? What about him? How would he react to this stupid statement? "I want it?" Meaning in my mind: I want him. But, again, what about him? What did HE want? Would he want me?

What's in a ring?

The belief that living for the other can be more enjoyable than living for yourself. 

So I had done it, really, it was not a dream... or a nightmare!  Did I really want this bouquet? What for? Did John want it for me? For us? THAT was the real question. Because, deep inside me, I realize now that, what I did on that special day, was just answering my own unasked question, the one that had been in my mind without even knowing it, for a long time.

I looked shyly around me, at all these friendly faces who, after the first shock was gone, seemed to think it rather right. Well, now I had to face up to what I just said. After all, other women would want it, and probably more than I did, or more than I wanted to admit it to myself: Angel, Tulip, maybe Uma who was standing near me, even if she played it the 'not me, thanks' style!

After all, Marie was going to throw the bouquet having her back to us, so she couldn't direct it, and chance would send it the way it was meant to be. Probably not to me. And all this would be forgotten. Maybe John would never know about what I just said. Hum... very little chances that this could happen! But, would he feel relieved or disappointed, that, I would probably never know!

What's in a ring?

Sharing the better and the worse. 

The promise that he will give you strength when you're exhausted, and that you'll give him tenderness when he's in need. And vice versa..... That you will be here for each other, whatever could happen. That you will share the good and make it better, and the bad and make it lesser. We're stronger when we are two. Two facing life. Together.

And then, like in a dream, I heard his voice... calling me. It made me jump. He was back and claiming his dance. I was so happy to see him back to me... Oh no, wait! No, I was not happy at all! Not now! Not after what I just said! I tried to think fast... but there seemed to be only jelly in my brain. Come on, think! Think! Quick!

OK, there was only one solution, it was probably not the most brilliant, but I didn't see any other then: I was going to make a fool of myself, in front of my friends, for the second time in few minutes. But I had decided that I was not going to move a hand to catch that bouquet in spite of what I had just said. Not with him here, watching us. Not without having talked with him first. And there was no time left for talking now. Yet, I knew that, even if we've had time to, I would never have dared to tell him "Say John, what do you think about me trying to catch that bouquet?" ... meaning, purely and simply : "Would you marry me?" No way! I would never do that!  Why? Hum, that's a good question. One I can't answer.

So, I decided that, even if I had to line up with the other girls, I would not even try to catch anything. At any price. 

Marie was going to throw the bouquet when I met John's eyes, watching me intensely, thoughtfully. As if he wanted to pass on a message to me, as if he was expecting something, as if he wanted me to understand something. Had somebody already told him what I said about the bouquet? Our eyes were having this discussion we needed to have, the unsaid words were expressing what was needed to be expressed between us. Or was it just me daydreaming? Taking my girlish hidden (even to me) dreams for reality?

Then, he spoke, at last. And, this time, it was with words, words I could hear. And understand.

"GRAB IT!" Clear. Loud. Simple. Everyone could hear it. 

What? What did he say? He said that? He really did? Yes, he really did! He wanted me to catch it, HE WANTED IT! For us! He wanted... me! I was lost... Worries, sleepless nights, probably a little alcohol too, and now THIS! I was lost. Thoughts, feelings, emotions, rushing in my mind, in my heart, in my body, all mixed together. I was liquid. I was air. I was lost. Time seemed to stop around us.

Then, my other me, this empty me that had been my body all day, managed to let a barely audible sound slip out:  

"You...want me to?" Oh great! Well done girl, just the right thing to ask, at the right time! 

"YES" That voice again, his voice, pressing, worried.

Even if I was not much aware of what was going on around us, mesmerized and not being able to take my eyes off his, trying to read his soul through them, I can tell that everybody around us was encouraging us, encouraging me.

"Go for it, Clarity!"

I insisted stupidly: "Sure?"

But then came the most beautiful sound I've ever heard: "YESSSSSSSSS!" From him. Followed by : "That's MY woman! Yeah! Go, baby, go!"

Then, he added: "Here, I'll hold you up" and, lower, almost like a prayer "Please..."

It seemed to bring suddenly life back in my mind and in my body. All went very fast again then,  and, before I knew it, the bouquet, THE bouquet, that bunch of beautiful, wonderful, marvellous flowers that was going to change our life forever (yes, forever! I say it and I mean it) was in my shaking hands...!

What's in a ring?

Hope. Mine? His? Ours?

I was standing here, stunned, with the bouquet in my hand, looking at it, then looking at John. I still couldn't believe it. He was smiling broadly. At me. He seemed so happy! So I could be too... happy?  No doubt anymore?

Everyone around us was congratulating me. There were some tears. Emotion? 

Disappointment? Relief? All of them? Oddly, nothing from me. Not yet. I was standing there, very quiet, while everybody was talking frenetically around me.

"Nice catch," said Heather.

"Who got it?" asked Carol.

Gaia, with her usual enthusiasm yelled: "Oui!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Clarity!!!!!!!"

My pitiful answer, a whisper: "Oh mon Dieu...!"

"I feel faint," said Uma "I was standing next to her..."

"All's fair in love and war, girls. This is both!" commented Marie happily. 

"Wheeeeeeeee!!!" yelled Carol now that she got her answer "Go Clarity!!!!!" adding : "Perfect one to catch it". 

Really? Was it what they were thinking? Was I the only one who didn't see what seemed to look obvious to the others? 

Then Gaia, noticed how pale I was: "That's good Clarity...don't look like you've seen a ghost!"

I just said softly: "I don't feel very well...."

"John, you better get in there, and catch her before she falls over" said Heather while John was still gazing at me with twinkles in his eyes. I would have caught the moon to see his eyes sparkle as they were now... In fact, in a way, that's what I had just done: caught the moon. For him.

"C'mere, my little champ. Come sit on my knee." That was all I needed: to be close to him, to feel him close to me. 

"I can't believe we did this..." I whispered, my nose in his neck.

"I'm proud of you, Clarrie" he answered softly. "I'm just touched, more than you know, that you went for it, you know?"

Our enthusiastic and moved friends got me up from John's lap to hug and congratulate me again. 

Tulip: "That's so wonderful... think I need that handkerchief again...sniff"

Marie:  "John, you are such a romantic. And a wonderful best man." And she kissed his cheek.  

Angel: "Sniff, so romantic .... congratulations, Clarity?"

"Thanks, Angel... I still can't believe it..." I answered, starting to recover. 

I heard Carol say: "John seemed awfully anxious for her to catch it, didn't he?" She was right, and I was the first one to be surprised by all this.

Then Marie asked: "Um, isn't it time for Bud to throw the garter?" 

Gaia, like me before, knew the meaning of the bouquet, but not of the garter part. It's not done that way where we're both coming from.

"They are supposed to be the next man and woman to get married, Gaia" explained Marie. 

While I was still surrounded by friends, Gaia hugging me, telling me that she was proud of me (after all I told her about marriage?), Marie whispered in John's ear, but I could hear what she said "If you catch the garter?"

He nodded and turned towards me again: 

"So ... you know the tradition, right?"

I didn't answer, still overwhelmed, and not really sure of where he wanted to go. 

"Clarrie?"

I still didn't answer, watching him as if hypnotized, trying to figure out what he was going to say. 

"Clarrie..."

After he had called me several time, kindly, softly first, then more and more anxiously, but still patiently, my tired brain found out brilliantly that the best way to know it was to listen to what he had to say:

"Yes" I finally answered in a whisper. 

He didn't hear me and called me again, still gently, but a little more insistent now, almost worried.

Karen who had missed the toss of the bouquet, being rather occupied in other part of the reception hall, just arrived and asked: "How's it going?"

"Fast" answered Bou. 

"Getting hairy now," added Carol. 

"Did I miss the bouquet throwing? God I hope I did" worried Karen.

"Yeah Karen, we're safe" answered Uma. Then, she added:  "BUD!!! Throw that garter....you're allowed to run your hand up her thigh now..."

Everyone was waiting for John and me to play our part. But we felt as we were the only ones in the world. There was just his voice, his eyes, and me.

"Clarrie?" 

"Come on, John," Marie was pressing... 

"YES" I could say at last, a little louder.

"Tradition?" he asked with a patient smile.

"Tradition? I repeated without thinking.

"I want to break with it just a bit. When you're ready ... and only then ... I want you to marry me."

"You.... you do?"

"Yes, I do. But I'll wait for you... until you're sure... until it's right."

Bou muttered: "Where's a damn handkerchief when you need one?" 

"So? Clarrie?" John insisted and was still speaking gently to me, but everyone could hear that he was anxious to hear my answer, even if he didn't want to urge on me. 

"I.... I.... do too...." I managed to say with that same little voice that sounded like it wasn't mine "... Whenever you want..."

"Man I'm gonna cry here!" said Carol.

"CLARITY," yelled Gaia.

"Is that yes?" asked John, still very calmly, softly, still keeping my eyes prisoners with his, trying to read my mind. Could I really see in those fascinating eyes the same insecurity as I had felt myself? How could he doubt my feelings for him? .... Like I doubted his... as simple as that. Maybe are we not so different after all...?

"Yes", I said very lowly, almost inaudibly. I think I was the only one who heard it... in fact, I'm not even sure that any sound came out of my mouth.

"Clarity! Say something," shouted Uma, "like OUI!"

"YES!!!!!" encouraged Marie.

And then, the words came out, distinct, loud, clear : "YES OUI DA SI!"

"YAYYYYYYY!" yelled Carol. 

"She said it, didn't she?" asked Uma to the others around.

"It sounded it to me, Uma!" answered Marie. 

"Come kiss me ... let's seal this sucker right now, right here!" said John, tenderly, almost relieved to have heard, at last, my positive answer.

"I love you, John Biebe."

"I got witnesses ... you're mine now."

"Yes, John, you've got witnesses" said Marie, obviously moved.

"I already was. Yours." I added.

"I love you like you can't believe, Clarity."

"I believe you. I do."

"Bloody hell..." swore Uma, "history in the making... Andy... keep your mouth shut... it might be catching..."

Bou grabbed a napkin. ... and Gaia grabbed Terry's white shirt. Scarlet extended Hando's and Colin's ones. 

"Paul's off again," noticed Uma. 

"There's a spell on us all - watch out guys!" said Carol, playfully.

Marie whispered to me: "I told you, Clarity..." she grinned "... that today would be perfect if there was a marriage proposal."

"I never thought it would happen".... I answered her, still stunned.

"I knew it would" she said dreamily. 

Angel sniffed and cuddled in close to Jack.  Unconsciously, he slid his hand down to where her bump will be.

Bou caught Cort's eye across the room.

Carol and Zack looked at each other for a long, long moment.

Then John took my hand, making me jump " Shall we dance? Or just stand here looking at each other? You look so cute like that."

"Can we do both?"

"Yeah, we can do anything... especially now."

"So let's do it... anything."

"Now there's what I call a happy man" said Uma, moved. 

"Anything" John added, his gaze fixed on mine again. "That should be our motto, you think? The whole world's open to us. And every day is an adventure just because we're going to make it one. And never ever will a day go by that we won't know how lucky we are. And loved."

"I think John just used up a month's allocation of words"... said Uma playfully, trying to hide her emotion. 

I couldn't believe it. He had just said what I was unconsciously dreaming to hear someday. I wondered if this was really happening to me and if I was not going to wake up to find out that all this had been just a dream. A dream I didn't even know I wished it could come true.

I may have expressed it out loud because I heard John whisper: "No dream". 

"Oh my God," said Marie, "That is romantic!" And she started to cry, while glancing around for Bud. Most of the girls had tears in their eyes and we could hear not so romantics "sniffs" all around.

"Jeez" exclaimed John, "Is what I said that bad? I've made everyone cry. I feel like a heel."

We all answered at once: "NO! This was beautiful!" Bou added: "They're all caught up in the romance of it!"

"Happy tears, John" explained Marie "these are the good kind." 

Poor John seemed to be so sorry and doubtful: "You sure?"

And, again, we all answered, altogether: "YES!"

He added: "I don't want to ever make you cry... except good tears"

"I promise not to cry, John!" It was Bud who was already missing Marie as much as she was missing him.

"Thanks, man," answered John laughing.

"John, hush and kiss the girl!" said Scarlet, always practical. 

He didn't need to be asked twice.  

"Come ... kiss me, my betrothed ..."  he said, holding me tenderly. 

And I did. He did, we did it. I never have enough of his kisses, I think I could spend my whole life doing that, and I fully understand now the meaning of the sentence: 'Vivre d'amour et d'eau fraiche' (live on love alone)

"Did I miss something?" asked Bud

"Bud, John asked Clarity to marry him!" answered Marie enthusiastically.

"Yeah I guess I did.... " inferred Bud. 

Then he added: "OK then I guess he needs this"... He ran his hand up Marie's dress and deftly removed the garter.

John was telling me:  "Now, you know, I'm not one much for public pronouncements ... except about hockey ... or crime ... so maybe ... should we ... you know?" But he didn't have time to finish.

While sliding her dress up, Marie suggested to Bud, winking "Maybe you should just give it to him?"

"Still warm," said Bud with a big smile. 

Bou giggled.

"Hold on!" said John.

"Intend to," answered Bud, and added "Passing on the baton." 

"Let me just get in position" said John "I've got good hands, Bud." And added... "So Clarity says."... 

Almost at the same time, Marie said "Clarity says that!" 

I blushed but answered "Yes" shyly.

"See?" said John.

"I'll take her word for it" said Bud smiling. I blushed even more... 

"Good" exclaimed John, very pleased with himself.

"Okay...now let's see how neatly you slip that on," said Bud. "All the way up..."

"And up", added John while slipping the garter up my leg. "Stop wiggling ...on second thought.... wiggle again". If it was possible, I think I blushed even more than I already did.

"All the way, John," giggled Marie. Then, she threw her arms around Bud's neck and whispered "So do you Sweetheart! John and Clarity engaged". She sighed.

"Yeah....it's pretty crazy, huh?" answered Bud, holding her tight.

"Another one bites the dust," said Carol lowly with an odd look. 

"Isn't it wonderful, Carol?" asked Marie.

"Yeah it is" she answered, but it was hard to know what she was really thinking. And she added  "But the club is getting smaller." 

When the others asked her what she meant, she explained: "You know -- the group of wild single crazy folk." 

"Ah," nodded the others. 

'Yes, the club is getting smaller" said Bou... "I blame Scarlet and Hando for starting that though."

"Yeah - it's all their fault!" agreed Carol. Poor Scarlet! But she didn't seem to care, she was beaming, cuddled into Hando's arms. 

I looked up at John and asked, my head still in the clouds "Did we really do that?"

"We did," he answered softly with a smile, "and I have witnesses."

Again? Was it so important for him to have witnesses? It seems it was. 

"I still can't believe it." I know, it was too much, but, hey, imagine if you were in my shoes! This is the most unexpected thing that could have happened to me on that day which was Bud and Marie's one, and not ours. But now, that part of this special day suddenly became ours too.

"But we don't move on it until you're sure" added John, his lips touching lightly my ear, "and you're ready."

Suddenly, Marie giggled:  "John, ring time."

Here it was, THE ring! 

John jumped:  "Damn! That was crude of me, wasn't it? Ask without the ring? Man!"

"No, it was perfectly romantic, John" answered Marie, smiling at him. 

"I don't mind... " I said sincerely. 

"You sure?" asked John, worried. 

"It's not the ring I want, it's you" I answered, my gaze still fixed in his, like it had been most of the time since had began what was becoming one of the most important times of our lives.

A broad smile lit up again John's beautiful face: "Clarrie, see? Any doubt why I love you!

This way, we can shop together, pick out what you want."

I already had picked out what I wanted. And it was not a ring. Well, not the material one, but the virtual one, and all its meanings, good or bad, no matter what I could have said or thought before. And more than that, the man who was going with it. I wanted it all. I wanted him all, the whole of him. And that's what I was getting. Isn't life beautiful?

He stepped back slightly, facing me, holding both my hands "Clarrie, I'll be back ... got to go take care of my best man duties ... save me all the dances when I get back?"

"I will... all of them, and I'll be waiting for you"

"Love you ... soon ..."

"Love you too"

And that was it. He was gone. Leaving me, here, surrounded by our friends. Overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by happiness. Overwhelmed by love. 

What's in a ring? 

Yes, what would be in that ring that we didn't already have? An involvement, a commitment.

The time when John was gone to do his "best man's duty" again gave me the opportunity to think about what had just happened, between two short conversations with our friends. Marie and Bud were already gone... to take their first step into their new husband and wife's life. What a night it was going to be for them! I was so happy for them!

"You're mine now, and I got witnesses" he had said, several times. Well, my sheriff darling not only needed evidence, but also witnesses! OK, I admit it, so did I! His I already was, have already been for months, but now, it was... official. Seems that it made it stronger!

And I felt stronger too now. He loved me. He still loved me! This was making my blood run faster, giving me a new energy. I was going to be strong now, whatever could happen. That life he just described, an adventure of each day, we were going to make it together, to build it, day by day. Together. I want him to be happy, forever. I want the best for him. He deserves it. Of course, I'm not the best, but, with this man, for this man, my man, I will fight. I know it won't always be easy, I know I will make mistakes, he probably will too. But, as people say back home: 'A Coeur vaillant, rien d'impossible' (To a valiant heart, nothing is impossible).

And I thought again about that moment when I was watching intensively inside his eyes, trying to guess how he felt about what was going on before the toss of the bouquet, I read love, hope... but also... relief. Yes, he seemed so relieved to see that I was going for the bouquet, that I was making my own voluntary move to a possible change of status between us.

Could that mean that he was not sure either? What I took for indifference, boredom, habits was just... fear, shyness, uncertainty about how I felt? Was he so different from me after all?

When I'm not sure, I run away, or, at least, just stay away... an old fear to be rejected, maybe. So, why couldn't he feel the same? Maybe men are coming from Mars and women from Venus, but we're living on the same planet, and we're trying to make of this old earth the paradise we're all dreaming of. Of course, this is an endless quest, a difficult adventure, sometimes frustrating, sometimes fulfilling... but boring... never! Not with this man.

Now I know. Now he knows. We both know that we still love each other. That it's still love, with a big L, like in the first days, maybe even better. Now I know that I want to be his. Freely. Giving myself to him doesn't mean that I don't belong to myself anymore. I don't know if it's for ever. But I want to try. For him. With him.

And, someday, I'll give him the family he's longing for. I know as much as he does that it won't give him his family back, it won't replace it, it can't, and it must not. I know he still and will always mourn the loss of his family, each and every day. But time makes the memories less painful. He told me he would talk to me about his kids, about... Donna. He never did. But, maybe it was just my fault. Maybe, in spite of what I told him, in spite of what I sincerely believed then, I was not ready yet to hear him talk with affection... with love, about... about another woman.

But I am now. I know I won't have to share him with a memory. I have the whole of him. Just like his family had, still has, and always will have, the whole of him. Does that make sense? His heart is big enough, so big that it doesn't have to be shared, he gives it all to each one of the people he loves. And I know for sure today that I'm lucky enough to be one of them.

Yes, someday, we'll build another family for him. When we're ready, I want to give him little brothers and sisters to his kids. And I want to wear his name. Of course, it won't be the name of my parents, the name of my past. But it will be the one of his children, our children, and the one of our children's children, the name of my future, our future. Someday. But not now. Selfishly, I want him all for myself, like he said about me few months ago. And it seems that I just got a permanent ticket to Happyland.

What? What did I do? Something wrong? Did I misspell something? Yes, I know I surely did... and probably more than once, since the very beginning of that story... but I haven't seen this look on your face yet before. Who I'm talking to? But to you, of course! Who is reading this but you? So, tell me, what's wrong with what you just read...? Oh, I see, I just said exactly the opposite at the beginning of this story? You sure? Nawww, I couldn't have done that? Did I? Really? OK, let me check..... Ah yes, you're right, I did. So what? I'm a woman, aren't I? So I have all rights to change my mind, and justify our reputation! 

So, was I going to know what's in a ring now? Really?

In ours, there will be trust, faith, love.... But also fun, sharing, respect, adventure.

At least, we'll do our best to make it so now that we know we're looking at the same direction in life, meaning: all of them!

Later, when we were alone, in our big luxurious room of this magnificent hotel in which our friends were spending their first night as husband and wife, John told me again that he didn't want to rush me, he wanted me to be sure. This confirmed me what I had guessed: he was still uncertain about my feelings, like I had been about his. He told me that, before I made this symbolic move to the bouquet, he was scared that I could only feel affection for him, no love anymore. He wondered if I felt that I should stay with him just because he was my first, because he made me feel whole for the first time of my life. He wanted me to be sure that I wasn't making a mistake, that I wouldn't want to go and see how it was with somebody else, somebody who could possibly give me more than he could. He already told me generously that he wouldn't blame me for that few months ago. But, in reality, he was scared that I could really do it. I couldn't believe it! That man gave me my life back. He awakened me to sexuality, to love... And he wanted me to feel free to go and use his gift with somebody else? What kind of man is he? The answer is: a giving man, a loving man, my man.

He told me he was unsure, he thought that I didn't find him physically attractive anymore, that he had gained too much weight. No! That's not true! He is just perfect! I like, I love each and every part of him. I'm not only in love with a body. I'm in love with a man, the whole of him. I like everything in him, his soft parts as much as the hard ones, his strength as much as his weakness, physical and mental, inner and outer. I love him as a whole and I love each detail of him. And, in spite of what he could think, he IS attractive! Oh yes, he is!

Hey, now that I think about this... maybe was that the reason why he so often let me have the initiative of our private moments?  Because it flattered his insecure ego to see that a woman could want him enough to forget about her natural shyness and express her need of him. My poor baby!

He told me that him being unsure about my feelings was the reason why he let me go to the Spa... What? HE LET ME GO? I went there on my own will, he didn't "let me go" at all! OK, OK, let's not start this, I don't want to argue about that today, it's not important anyway (well, yes, it is!). So, he accepted the idea of me going to the spa because he thought it would be good for me to spend some time with my friends, but also away from him to see how I felt about it then, and if I would miss him. Why did this sound so familiar to me? Seems that we were both testing what Roger de Robutin, Comte de Bussy,  thought : 'L'absence est à l'amour ce qu'est au feu le vent, il éteint le petit, il allume le grand' (Absence is to love as wind is to fire; it extinguishes the small and kindles the great)

When I asked him why this was so important for him that he got witnesses when I said yes to his proposal, he told me he wanted to be sure that this would not be taken away from him. Again. And his voice broke, he couldn't add anything. He didn't have to, I could see the sadness again in his eyes. And I finished his sentence for him in my mind: like it had already been at the end of his movie? It made me ache for him to think that he could live thinking that everything could be taken away from him again, any time.

And I thought about all this. He's a social man. By being thrown out of his movie, he lost not only his family, wife, kids, which is already terrible in itself. But he also lost his position in society, his familiar surroundings, his friends. And he lost hockey, his reason for living after his family.

I'm so thankful that he could find the Come On Inn where he found another kind of family, even if very different, where he could be loved and respected again. And I'm glad he found me. I can't give him his former life back, but I want to give him a present, to give him all the love I have in me.

But how could I answer to his anguish about tomorrow? Will my love be enough to protect him from what can happen in the future? I don't know what it has in store for us. I don't know how this world works, nobody knows. Everything can stop any moment. Just like real life. I can't even be sure that our love will last eternally. And, if he's honest with himself, he can't either. But what's sure is that we both love each other today. Deeply. Madly. And we want to make of each day the most important one of our lives, together.

So, as I couldn't answer his question, soothe his doubts about the future, I just put my arms around his soft waist and placed my head against his strong chest, where his big heart was beating strongly, steadily even if maybe a little faster than usually. I started to kiss him there. He stopped me, hold my chin up, looked at me in the eyes, silently, and, after he read there the answer he was looking for, the only answer he knew that life could allow us, about the present, he hold me tight and kissed me softly, tenderly, putting into this kiss all the promises we were making to each other.

What's in a ring? 

Well, I think I've already found it out. And of that, I'm really sure. No need to think about it for hours. Yes, like I just did... and you did it with me, unfortunate reader!

What is in a ring, in this ring, our ring, will be what we're both going to bring ourselves, each of us, together, day after day. And it is our responsibility to write together this book of our life, crossing out the mistakes we will surely make, and treasuring only the parts that count, the important ones.