JEFF

I remember thinking when Paul first suggested this dinner party that he was a bit vague about the guest list. I thought he mentioned four people and then it sounded like five but as he went on and on about Cullen Murphy and Esme, it must have taken my mind off it. As you can imagine, I was not exactly thrilled to have to entertain Murphy round our table after the thumping he had given me only a month ago. I have never admitted to Paul what actually happened there, so I can't blame him for not realizing that the Irish twat and I were not the best of mates at the current time. Esme also doesn't appear to know the truth. If she did, I think she would have had something to say to him. And I wouldn't like to be on the receiving end of that.

Actually I haven't seen much of Es recently. Frankly, since Paul and I got past that odd little patch we had a while back when I had started to think that Paul was messing around with a girl and he had seemed a bit distant with me, we have both either been working or making up for lost time together. It's been really good recently. I've had a lot of feelings of guilt about what happened with that girl Sonia, and I guess it made me try a bit harder with Paul. As a result both soon realized that there was nothing wrong between us after all. Life's just like that from time to time. Other things get in the way and you need to find time for each other to remind yourselves what it's really all about. I still get a cold sweat when I think about what a fool I was to doubt him. It's all because I've got no confidence in myself. My Dad always used to say that. It's totally ridiculous now when I think of it. Paul and I are a couple and he loves me as much as I love him.

When am I going to get that into my thick skull?

I think Esme's keeping out of our way these days. Okay, I know you're all laughing and presuming that this is just me being paranoid again, but this time I think I'm right. She must have told Murphy - or how would he have known? That suggests it was worrying her or she was trying to find a way to approach us and say she couldn't do it. I wish she had just come out with it really. Surely we know each other well enough just to be honest? It was only a crazy notion anyway and probably just a product of me being so desperate to keep Paul by giving him a baby. That was unworthy of me. You can't use a baby to patch holes in a failing relationship - or a friend like Esme to carry the burden for you - literally. We're two blokes. We can't have a family. It's time we both just settled for what we have - which is more than most to be honest. 

So, even if I didn't really want Murphy in the same room as me in one sense, I did think it was probably time we made our peace and showed Esme - and him - that we had got past all that. It would also be interesting to see Esme and Murphy together as a couple in an ordinary domestic setting as well. They seem to be spending a lot of time together these days and it makes me wonder. Maybe there is something going on there other than both of them getting their rocks off as often as possible. He called her my Ellie... I still remember that. It made me sit up and listen. Who knew a bloke like Murphy had feelings?

Paul was uptight all weekend, on pins with excitement - you know the way he gets. There was all the usual stuff going on at the pub, poor Tulip broken-hearted by Trask, the moron; Biebe and Clarity mooning about like two lovesick kids; Ann and Maximus not much better, for all he tries to hide it; SID amazingly enough besotted with that ugly little sprog of his; Cort and Bou back safe and sound...and we were having friends for dinner. How civilised!

Paul spent all Sunday arvo doing up the table. How long does it take to lay a flaming table? But it did look great when he was finished - Paul really knows how to make things look good. He told me to go jump in the shower and not take too long. I ask you - me take too long in the shower? What does he think I do in there apart from wash myself? Don't answer that. I don't. Not these days...

As soon as I was out and still shaving in the bathroom, he stripped and went in. There isn't that much of him, but he takes bloody hours to get ready. He looked amazing when he finally emerged. He'd even put on a suit - but no mascara this time. He looked really masculine and smelled great.

I love the way he grins when he's pleased with himself. And he was. The meal was cooked, the table laid, he was dressed and ready to roll. I went over to him and ran my arms around his waist, underneath the jacket. He took a deep breath and leaned back against me. "You smell great..." I muttered as dropped my hand to the crotch of his neatly pressed wool pants and massaged him gently. Paul groaned soft and low but stopped me as I tried to unzip his fly.

"No...I've gotta go out...pick someone up...bloody hell, I've got a stiffie...!" He winced and adjusted himself before turning round and kissing me tenderly. "I won't be long..."

And he picked up his car keys and dashed out shouting; "Keep an eye on the oven..."

Where the fuck was he going? Pick someone up? So there were five of us for dinner, after all? Okay, I know I'm a bit dense. I went to the table and counted the settings. Five.

Fuck! I bet I know who's the fifth fucking wheel....

ESME

I was a little surprised when Paul rang and asked Cullen and me over to dinner the following Sunday to say the least. Relations between them have been pretty strained of late although the three of them used to get on well. That's the problem, though, when there's a woman in the middle. The whole bloody status quo changes. Men are notoriously aggressive, even when there's a totally open-relationship thing going on as there was between me and Mr. Murphy.

Cullen's funny about things. We've never actually sat down and talked it through but it's always been understood that we're not a couple. Cullen is not my boyfriend and I am not his girl. Could you imagine what you would be letting yourself in for if you actually fell for a guy like Cullen? I might have been a bit of a fool for love in the past but I'm not stupid. There are some guys you just can't help getting infatuated with - guys like Cort and Lachlan, decent men who know what it is to care for a woman and make you just wish it could be you that was their heart's desire - even if the chance of that is pretty slim. But Cullen Murphy? He might be a hell of a lay but that is as far as it goes. He's selfish and vain and juvenile in his attitude to women. Blokes like that never grow up. If anyone catches him it won't be for years yet - he simply isn't ready - and maybe never will be.

I like him a lot, though. We have so much fun. He's witty and smart and wild and so damn sexy, full of the blarney and always coming up with something unexpected, both in bed and out. We talk for hours - which probably surprises some people - and share a lot of interests, apart from those which involve sexual depravity and food. He is very well read actually, loves the cinema and the theatre, and he is quite easy about wandering round art galleries and museums, second hand clothes and junk shops, flea markets and antique fairs. Yeah, we get on really well - but only because it doesn't go deep. He sees other women and so do I. See other men, I mean. Not women, obviously. Although Cullen would love that. He'd think he'd died and gone to heaven if I brought another woman into our bed. Well, my bed. I've never actually slept in his. I don't even know where he lives. Can you believe that? The guy is so scared a girl might sleep over and not leave that he doesn't even give out his address! He is a case.

That's what I mean. He's funny about things. Like his privacy. He guards that jealously. And he doesn't like to think of me with Jeff and Paul. I don't exactly think it's the sex - we haven't had that sort of threesome for ages, since way before I met Cullen, and as he's so bloody promiscuous himself I can't see what would bother him anyway. I'll bet he swings both ways if the fancy takes him. I think he secretly would quite fancy a session with the two of them, you know? And I wouldn't mind being a fly on that wall either - can you imagine those three sex gods getting it on? Or is it just me who's kinky enough to find that a turn on?

I think what bothers him fundamentally, is that they're my friends. He seems jealous of that sort of bond. Cullen hasn't got any friends. He has loads of drinking buddies and mates but I doubt if any of them are really friends. The closest he has to a friend he can trust would be Terry or Dino - and they mostly can't stand his guts. Or they pretend not to anyway. But I think it's just their way. They are fond of him and may well see parts of themselves as young men in him. Or understand him in a way others wouldn't. They live an odd life, men like them. But bosom buddies? I don't think so. Cullen did try to move in on their women. I can hardly imagine they will forgive that so easily.

Cullen wants me to distance myself from Jeff and Paul. It's like he wants me to make a choice between them and him but it's absurd, isn't it? He's just my fuck buddy. They're my real mates. What can he expect if he just wanders around doing whatever he likes? He won't even take me home, for God's sake! He has to trust me if he wants me to consider him a friend.

But he's funny about them anyway - and furious about that suggestion Jeff made about the baby. He went absolutely nuts about it. He didn't get into a temper or anything but he went very quiet and, to be quite honest, a bit scary. I didn't see him for a while after I told him and when I did, he just said he didn't want to talk about it other than to say if I did go through with it, it would be the last I saw of him. Weird, really. Like he cares what other people do with their bodies as long as they don't ask him for child support?

I still haven't made my mind up about what Jeff asked.  There are some days that I quite fancy the idea and I'm sure as shit not going to let Cullen Murphy make my mind up for me. But there are other days when I wish...you know? I still have this crazy dream that one day, some perfect man will show up and totally blow me away, fall for me hook, line and sinker, carry me off on his white charger and fill me full of his babies. Not much to ask for, huh?

Who the hell am I kidding?

When I asked Cullen to come to dinner at their place, his initial reaction was rather profane. As most of his conversation is to be fair. I had even chosen my time carefully, knowing that you should never ask a man anything if he is hungry, thirsty, sleepy, has a hard on, is watching football or wants to go to the loo. Men are incapable of suffering even a second of having to wait for whatever is the current physical need to be fulfilled. How on earth he manages when he's on active, I don't know.

So there was Cullen, lying naked in a warm bath after a rather spectacular shag, drinking cold draught Guinness and smoking a joint, fondling the parts of me he likes best as I washed him sensuously and fed him nachos and guacamole...and he still said:

"You out of your feckin' mind? Eat with that load of poofs? I'll probably catch AIDS..." He is stunningly un-PC. And totally unreasonable.

However I wore him down over the week - no need to go into detail - by Sunday he was truculently prepared to come but still behaving like a teenager whose mother insists he accompanies her to church on Christmas Day.

"Don't see why I should shave for them...I'm going like this..." he muttered with that look of his where he is daring you to argue back. He leaned on the door of the bathroom as I was drying my hair, looking sinfully gorgeous with a couple of days growth of beard, a seriously sexy case of bed head and a crisp pale blue shirt, open down the front with the sleeves rolled up. I didn't rise to his bait nor did I bother telling the stupid wanker that Paul and Jeff would probably think that they'd died and gone to heaven if he walked in like that. But I gave him my evil eye and told him to brush his teeth at least, which he did in a cursory fashion while I finished dressing.

He drives me crazy in that mood but I could still have dragged him back to bed and jumped his beautiful bones at the same time. I can't resist his petulant bad boy. But then you know me. I can always resist anything except temptation.

PAUL

I was so excited; I nearly wet myself on the drive over. I had to stop and have a pee by the side of the road. I always get like that when I'm excited. It used to drive my Mum and Dad nuts if we were going to the circus or on our holidays or something. If I didn't visit every toilet between our house and the destination, I would wet my pants. I must point out that was years ago. I can control my bladder now. Mostly.

I'd arranged to pick Sonia up from hers; I wanted to have a little chat with her before we met Jeff. I just knew she was going to love him. Running up the stairs to her first floor studio apartment, I knocked brightly on the door, looking about me. It's a bit of a dodgy area really although she's done her place up nice. I wish I could get her out of here really. Maybe she could move in with us when we all got friendly? She could help out in the pub when we were short handed - she needs the money anyway - and it would be a great way for her to get to know everyone. I began to have a little daydream abut that...

The door opened. "Sonia! Your carriage awaits... Just wait until you meet my Jeff...you're gonna love him....He hasn't got a bloody clue who's coming to dinner...! He's going to get such a surprise when I introduce you... and he'll love you...who wouldn't?" I dived straight in, not really taking much notice at first because I was so high myself. I just danced her round the room and gave her a sloppy kiss. Then I noticed she looked pinch faced and not her usual radiant self. I thought she was pale; she didn't even seem to be ready to go yet. Sonia never usually goes out even to buy a bottle of milk without putting on the slap - yet she hadn't even got any lippie or mascara on today. And her eyes were swollen.

"You okay, Sonia? Have you been crying, love?" I asked, suddenly realizing something was up. She just sniffed and dabbed at her eyes with a soggy tissue, pulling away from me and turning her back. "What's the matter, darlin'? You haven't been messing around with another tosser, have you? When are you going to learn...?" It was always some bloke with Sonia. How many times had I been here with her, holding her hand while she cried on my shoulder? "Come on, sit down and tell your big brother everything...here's a fresh tissue...it's been my day for mopping up tears..." Earlier on I'd been tending to Tulip who'd cried enough to sink the Titanic over that bloody prat Trask. Looks like Sonia had met another. There seems to be a lot of them about.

She curled up on my knee and wept, just like she'd been doing since she was a bit of a kid. I hate it when she cries. There's something about her tears that really gets to me. It brings out the white knight in me. I might be queer but where my little sister's concerned, I'm a bloke. I'd kill anyone who hurt her. She means the world to me. "What is it, sweetheart? Some bloke let you down again? You know they're all just a bunch of losers..."

"...This time it was different! I was so sure he was different... He seemed so nice...so sensitive..."

"What happened?" I settled back expecting the usual story. She told me in halting terms about her meeting with this guy. She had taken to him straight away. He was nothing like the usual type of man she went for. They had just clicked and spent this amazing day together. The sex had been wild and passionate but different somehow. He was a really generous and sensitive lover. And they had talked.

"So what's the problem, then?" I asked. He sounded almost too good to be true. There had to be a catch.

Sonia sniffed. "I woke up the next morning - and he was gone! He'd walked out while I was sleeping. Never even left a note. I realized that I had absolutely no idea where he lived or even what his real name was. But I was still so sure that he would call back. I couldn't believe that he didn't feel the same as me...We had just had such a fantastic time..." She seemed totally knocked back by him. "Look, Paul, I've had one night stands before. I know the score. Sometimes that's all both of you want - and that's fine. But other times it leads to something. I just...couldn't believe that was that...so I've spent the past month hanging by the phone hoping he'd call or sitting in at nights expecting him to ring on my door, just like a stupid girl...Paul, I really liked him...I really liked him..." That brought on another crying jag.

I stroked her hair and let her cry. "Well, more fool he, then. Maybe he had a girlfriend or was married or something. I'm sorry, sweetheart, but at least you found out before you wasted any more time on him..."

That's when she looked straight at me and I knew then that there was more. "You don't understand...he had only one condom on him...and we...well, we...did it a few times...I never take chances...normally...but I really trusted him. Paul, he just didn't seem the type to let me down...We just went a little bit crazy..."

"What are you saying, Sonia?" I froze at her words. She had had sex unprotected with some guy she barely knew? 

Her voice when she spoke was barely a whisper. "I missed my period...Paul...I did a test...I'm pregnant..."

I just stared at her, my mouth opening and closing inanely like a fish on a slab gasping for air. Pregnant? Sonia? 

"Are you sure?"

She nodded. "I did the test. Positive. He sure was firing live ones..."

We sat there for a while in silence holding each other. "...It's gonna be alright, Sonia...just see if it won't...Jeff and I will see you right..."

At that she touched my face gently. "You are so sweet. But I can't lay this at your door. You've got your own lives to live. I've more or less made up my mind. I'm getting an abortion. I can't have a baby, Paul. I don't even want to be a mother. I never did. It's not something I ever saw for myself really. I'm not like you. And how can I have a baby to a man whose name I don't even know for sure? All I know is I met him at your pub..."

"My pub? What!" That was a further shock to my system. Surely it wasn't some bloke I knew? One of the unattached guys? Corbett? Hando? Jesus Christ...you could hardly call Hando sensitive...Murphy? He could always play nice when he wanted...

"I went in one day about a month ago looking for you but you were out somewhere. Instead I met him..."

I can't tell you how I felt. That's how bad I felt. Even worse to know the man responsible for this mess was possibly someone I knew.  But that was for later. For now I had to try and help Sonia deal with this tragedy. "I'll stand by you whatever you decide, Sonia, You know I will. It's your body and your right to do as you think best...but..."

I stopped. I couldn't lay a guilt trip on her just because Jeff and I would have moved heaven and earth to have a baby. If she didn't want a baby then she didn't have to have one. It wasn't fair to try and make her go through with something she really didn't want just for us. I wouldn't turn this into my advantage. That would be unthinkable.

"What were you going to say?" Sonia asked.

"Nothing. Forget it..." I replied.

But Sonia knows me too well. For a moment she said nothing and then it seemed like the penny dropped. "You want a baby, don't you? You've spoken of it before. You and your Jeff want a chance of raising a baby yourselves...were you thinking this could be your chance...?"

I frowned. "I know you don't want to go through with this. I'm not going to try and persuade you..."

"But if I did have the baby...would you two raise it? Let me see it sometimes? Give it a good home? You see...I don't want the responsibility of motherhood. I never did...it was why Lars and I split up really...but...I don't want to kill this baby either. It isn't the baby's fault I was too stupid to send him out for more rubbers...it seems a terrible thing to make the baby pay for our thoughtlessness...especially when you and your Jeff want one so much..."

I held my breath. I couldn't deny she was right. In so many ways. "We'd look after you. Come and stay with us...I'd make sure you had enough money when you couldn't work...and we'd take care of all the bills...and you know we'd give this baby a good home...I mean, he'd be my nephew...or she...my niece...genetically he'd almost be my baby..."

"I know...I was thinking that...Paul, it's the best thing...it sort of makes sense of the whole mess too...Just give me a few days...after I've met Jeff and we've all talked it out...this is a big deal for him too...Poor guy is going to get a bigger shock that even you expected..."

I smiled. "He's very resilient. And he's got a heart bigger than Western Australia..."

"He's Australian?" Sonia suddenly asked. I thought I had mentioned that already. What was the big deal?

"Yeah...didn't I say?"

"I can't remember...it doesn't matter..."

"We better get off, Sonia...he'll be worrying where we are. Go fix your face and we'll go over...I just wish I could get my hands on the bastard who did this to you..." I muttered almost to myself. I fully intended to. If she met him at the pub then whoever he was, he'd show up again sooner or later...then I'd fucking well have him. 

Shortly afterwards we set off but my earlier good mood had long disappeared. I held her hand and stormed over to the car. I hoped I didn't meet the bastard today or I would not be responsible for what I did. But I was already pretty sure it was Cullen Murphy. Who was waiting with Esme for us to turn up for dinner...Jesus Christ...if it was Murphy, I'll have his fucking balls! "Come on, we're late...dinner will be ruined..."

CULLEN

I don't know how I get myself into these things with girls. I'm just too accommodating. Or something. I hate that whole domestic bliss thing when you know a woman for five minutes and they want to own you body and fucking soul. Esme's not as bad as most, but they're all into it underneath. One minute you're having fantastic sex all over the show and the next you're choosing tablecloths. Sod that for an effing lark, mate. So I told her. "There is no fucking way you are gonna get me sitting round a table with Jeff the gay rugger and his swarthy mascara'd bum boy..."

I was probably tempting Providence - but you know me. I'm fearless. I was a Navy SEAL. She still won though. There we were on Sunday getting dolled up and her giving me those warning looks that mad me feel like I'm about six and she's my Mum or something. I feckin' hate it when women treat me like a naughty kid. Even if I act like one most of the time.

So we got there typical Esme fashion - on time - only to find half the party wasn't there and the other bit that was, was barely there either - Mitchell's not exactly the full shilling, ya know what I mean?

So Jeffie boy opens the door, looks hostile and peers over my shoulder. What did he think I was going to do? Bring in reinforcements? I'd fucking well worked him over the last time without breaking sweat. I stood there anyway smirking at him until Esme nudged me sharply into the flat. I was expected to say something polite, was I? "Hi, Jeff, boyo...thanks for the kind invitation to dine..."

Even when I'm being nice, Esme thinks the worst of me. We both heard her click of annoyance. In for a penny, hey?  "Where's your little friend then?  I thought he was the cook today...it smells good anyway...I brought a bottle of wine..." I indicated the bottle Esme was carrying. She frowned. "Okay...okay, keep you hair on...Esme brought a bottle of wine, I should say...I was going to bring flowers but the shop was closed..." She kicked me hard for that one.

Jeff didn't seem to bother or even be the least interested in what I had said. He totally ignored me... more or less, with just a curt nod - that's really polite, mate. I am your guest as well, you know - he gave Esme a warm kiss, still obviously enjoying showing me his special friendship with her. "Hey, Es! Murphy...Paul's just gone to pick up this other mate of his...whoever the hell it is. He's been very secretive...God knows what he's playing at... He should have been back by now...Beer? Wine? Something stronger?" I have to say old Jeff was looking a bit frantic, almost foaming at the mouth as he rambled on. Something was up. Maybe today was going to be more fun than I had thought. Trouble in Paradise, hey? Paul got a new fella?

Just then we heard footsteps on the stairs and Paul burst in, looking, I have to say, not at all like our usual Paul. He was angry, dark storm clouds on his face and holding the hand of a young woman rather protectively. Actually she was a fine looking girl. I took a second look. Did I know her? Don't think so. Pity. Would have liked to.  She looked upset about something too as if she'd been crying.

Esme and I exchanged puzzled looks. Jeff had returned to the kitchen to get our drinks so he hadn't actually witnessed the arrival of Act Two, Scene One. Paul threw his car keys on the side and wrenched off his suit jacket, loosening his tie. The girl just sat primly on a chair. We stood about, looking embarrassed.

"Sorry I'm late..." Paul spat out, eyeing me up thunderously and watching the girl carefully. "We had a bit of a problem...Murphy...so you're here, are you? Is it him, Son?" Another glance over at the woman but she shook her head. What did he mean: 'Was it me?' What was I being accused of now? Why's it always me, for feck's sake? You'd think I was the only bloke in creation with a working dick. Esme moved closer to me. I could tell she was uneasy. Paul looked around him. "Where's Jeff then?" He moved towards the kitchen, trying his best to put a smile on his face which he clearly didn't feel. "Jeff?"

Next minute he dragged Jeff out of the kitchen by the hand. "Jeff, I want you to meet a very special lady...Sonia O'Gallagher...my little sister...meet Jeff Mitchell...my ...boyfriend...." Well, that solves that little mystery, I remember thinking. I could feel tension ebb away from Esme too, who noticeably relaxed. Whatever was biting O'Gallagher's bum it wasn't anything to do with any of us...

Until... "You? You are Paul's...sister....bloody hell....! Sonia....?" Jeff's exclamation was unexpected as was the shock registering on his face. One look at Sonia showed she felt exactly the same, colour draining from her, leaving just two bright anger spots on her cheeks. I held my breath. Something was coming...

"YOU? YOU ARE PAUL'S JEFF? YOU COMPLETE BASTARD.....! Does Paul know about your little extra curricular straight hobby?" That girl has good lungs. Her raucous shout made the short hairs on the back of my neck stand up. God knows what effect they had on poor Jeffie. Then her words began to sink in. Extra curricular? Straight hobby? Had Jeffie been a naughty boy? Rooting sheilas, as he might say? Tut, tut, tut. I went and helped myself to the tray of drinks Jeff had been about to carry in. This was too good to pass without liquid refreshment.

Meanwhile, back in the lounge, Paul was digesting the reaction. "You know Sonia?" There was a pause while O'Gallgher let that percolate. He's no Einstein either. "What do you mean, Son?  You mean...you mean....it's him? Jeff? He's the bastard who knocked you up?" There was a stunned silence broken by the hiss of my beer can popping. "Jeff...?" O'Gallagher appealed to Jeff who was still catatonic with shock. "Jeff...?" he turned and addressed Sonia...who nodded slowly.

I almost choked on my beer. "Fucking hell, Ellie...this is better than match of the day...fu-ck-in'-ell..." I whispered under my breath. Esme said absolutely nothing. She looked as frozen in her place as Jeff was.

"Anyone like a drink?" I suggested unhelpfully. Esme moved this time and muttered while digging her nails painfully into the palm of my right hand: "You make one more smart-arsed comment and I swear I will kill you...is that clear?"

I did not reply. Firstly because she probably would and I am not ready to shuffle off this mortal coil just yet and secondly because the entertainment was continuing and I didn't want to miss a word. Finally Mitchell found his tongue - but he probably then wished he hadn't. 

"What? What did you just say? Knocked her up....you mean she's...?" Jeff swallowed hard. "You cannot be serious, mate...Sonia...tell me this is just some kind of a sick joke...? Please...." He hid his face in his hand. I actually felt sorry for him then. Fancy getting this news in front of an audience - and in these particular circumstances? This was better than a soap...Days of Our Lives, anybody?

I put my lips to Esme's ear. "Pregnant? Fuck me...pregnant...! This is just un-freaking-believable....!" Esme glared at me. It was time for damage limitation if I was ever getting back into her tight hot little tunnel of love... Pity...just when things were warming up here as well... "...I think we better get out of here, Ellie...this is private, you know...? Pregnant...? I didn't know he was capable...you know what I mean?" To that, Esme merely thumped me and made me sit down. But I could tell she was in two minds herself about staying. She didn't want to intrude but I think she was scared there would be some violence. O'Gallagher was in a strange mood, oddly still at the moment. That usually means a guy is about to blow. Nuclear.  I primed myself to get in between them when the time came. Esme would be so proud of me. I would win points for weeks for that little interception.

But I suddenly had a thought. Say things became a little bit too confessional? Jeff might just mention my role in the fake 'gay-bashing' incident which I already suspected might have played its part in this. Jeff gave up on Esme, found a real girl and managed to choose the world's most unsuitable woman to impregnate as a result. Or maybe not? I mean, when you come to think of it...Paul's sister is kind of like Paul...genetically speaking. This pod would actually be - to all intents and purposes - their offspring. The two pooftas, I mean. When they calm down, they might actually work that one out.

Or was I presuming too much? I can't imagine either of them got straight A's in Human Biology. Or anything actually other than wagging school and kicking a football. Did either of them even understand the first principles of Genetics? I smiled smugly. You might be surprised to know I was an honours student. And I managed it without doing a feckin' toss. But I was in no mood to explain the ins and outs of the X and Y chromosomes to the assembled company. It was time for me to slip away before any more revelations got me in the dog shit. A man has to know when it is prudent to retire from the field of battle. So I put on my sensitive, reasonable caring face, the one with the limpid eyes and soulful gaze and gave it full blast to Ellie.

Come on...let's get out of here, Ellie baby...They need to talk this through...without us...In private..." I took her hand and dragged her to her feet. She tried to say something but for once went with my gut feeling. I made our excuses. "Thanks for the invite but I think we'd better be shooting off...We'll see you some other time, hey? When...when you've got things sorted out...thanks for the beer, huh?"

But no one paid us any attention as we backed out towards the door. Paul just shouted at Jeff: "You calling my sister a sick joke...? You slept with my sister? MY SISTER? And you think she's the one who's sick? And you didn't even take precautions? You're gay, for Christ's sake! We're the ones who're supposed to be promoting safe sex...and that's even before we get into the matter of what a gay bloke in a relationship is doing sticking it up some girl he picks up in a bar...and I didn't mean that as an insult, Sonia..."

We could hear Jeff trying to defend himself but, naturally, every time he opened his stupid gob, he dug himself further in the hole. "I can explain, Paul...it was a mistake, you see...I was jealous....I saw you with her and I thought you and she were....you know? Getting in on...I thought you were trying the other bus...so when she came onto me in the bar, I thought...I don't know what I thought, mate...I was just so mixed up...then things just sort of happened...Sonia...for Christ's sake, tell him how it was...!" Esme pushed me out of the door. I left it ajar, hoping to catch the answer to that little gem on the way down the stairs. The usual din from the bar was stilled. I'll bet they were all listening in, having heard the commotion. Nosey bastards.

Sonia exclaimed hysterically with that 'scratch your eyes out husky Scouse rasp 

"I came onto you in the bar? Are you accusing me of being a tart? How flamin' dare you...! We just got talking like men and women do. How was I supposed to know you were a lying bastard who was living with someone else - namely my brother? That's incest, you know. I'm sure it is...you make me feel sick...God, I think I'm going to throw up..."      

Down in the bar, everyone was sitting trying to pretend they hadn't heard but being as quiet as mice in case they missed anything. Someone had even turned down ESPN. Jessie looked liked she was about to cry. Esme didn't look much better. Loreta handed us both a glass and a bottle of Jack. "You probably need this..." she offered.

Down came Paul's voice, gruff and mad as hell. "You better watch what you're saying about my sister, you cunt... Now let me get this right, because I would so hate to make a wrong assumption about you...You thought I was screwing around with a girl? So, instead of actually asking me who she was...you just decided to have a go at her yourself? How was that supposed to help? And that's your only excuse? You got jealous so you decided to have a bit on the side too? I think I know who's the slut here, Jeffrey Mitchell...and it sure as fuck isn't my Sonia...." His voice broke slightly over her name - and over Jeff's. I felt sorry for him as well. Jesus, this was a fecking nightmare! It was the sort of thing that happens to me - but I always deserve it. Neither of these two did.

"...Paul....Sonia...you've got to stop and listen to me...this is just a terrible mistake...I know I behaved badly...I'm not trying to make excuses...What I did was so wrong...and you're a really nice girl, Sonia...a really nice girl. That's why I've kept away since... We were really good together but I knew that in the long run...I wasn't free...I just knew you deserved better...please, Paul, give me a chance....I don't know what to say...!" I heard Esme gulp at his frantic plea. He was making it worse with every word. So he had fancied Sonia. Considered it even? How was that supposed to make any of them feel better? And yet what else could he say? He was telling the truth. That was his first fecking mistake. Esme tossed down her Scotch and poured another, wincing as Jeff went on. "..Are you really having a baby, Sonia? Are you sure? How do you know it's mine anyway? Look, I'm not trying to suggest that you're a...or anything...but...maybe there was someone else...? You could be mistaken...?"

The shit hit the fan then. I almost ducked for cover instinctively. It's usually me who makes crass defences like that. Sonia screamed at Jeff: "Someone else? How dare you imply I don't even know who fathered this baby! So I'm a nice girl, am I! Well, thank you very much for the glowing compliment, mate. You kept away 'because you liked me so much?' What sort of crap is that? That's supposed to make me feel better? Paul supposed to take heart from the fact that you only shagged me because you happened to fancy me more than him at the time? You bastard....!"

Fortunately Jeff seemed to give up at that point. Everyone down there was sort of willing him to shut up, guys mumbling into their beer. "Don't say anything...don't open your fucking mouth..." Maybe he got the vibes because that's the last we heard from him.

Paul, however, hadn't finished. "You better get out of my sight, Mitchell, before I bloody kill you...just get out...now....I will not have her upset anymore...just get out....!" We heard Jeff's footsteps on the stairs and all turned away. The bloke did not need to walk downstairs and find us all gawking at him as he entered. There was a loud slam as if the door upstairs had been kicked closed and then all we heard was muffled talking. Jeff didn't walk through. He must have gone out into the back. Jessie dashed out and so did Esme. The rest of us just looked about sheepishly.

Funny though. Trask looked shocked. More so than anyone. He thrust some money on the bar and ran out. Maybe this had got to him and made him wake up and smell the coffee. At least some good might come of the whole sorry mess.

SONIA

I don't know what I thought when I saw him. Paul had made me calm down and feel like I could maybe make some good out of this terrible nightmare that had happened. And then the unthinkable happened. The guy who I had been eating my heart out for weeks was none other than Paul's gay lover? It was like some lame soap opera or the Jerry Springer Show. Except it was my life. And Paul's. And some bastard Australian poofta's too who somehow had managed to get beneath both our skins.

The awful thing is that when I saw him, this Jeffrey Mitchell, he looked so good to me.  A part of me wanted to just throw my arms round him. I could see he was shocked, hurting even, and I could even get it in a sense. Life is like that. We've all made dreadful mistakes in our time, Paul and I as much as anyone. Mitchell was probably a nice guy just as he had seemed. He just got into something over his head and buggered up big style. But even if I felt a glimmer of sympathy for him, I couldn't forgive him. There was no way past a situation like this. Paul would never get over it. I know what he's like about family. It's something that's so deep in us, despite the ups and downs we've both had. Family comes first.

It didn't make me feel any better that I had effectively ruined Paul's life along with my own. But it wasn't my fault. Or Paul's. It was his. Jeffrey Mitchell's. He was the one who had done this.

And he was bloody well going to pay. I'd make sure of it. Father of my baby or not.