UMA

He was waiting at the airport. Pacing, head down, hands shoved into the pockets of his shapeless jeans, an old denim shirt covering a worn black T shirt. Andy clings to clothes with a fondness bordering on neurotic. It made me smile. So like him not to have even though of smartening himself up for my arrival. But then, I would have been disappointed if he had. This was the guy I loved. I didn't need him to put on a show for me.

Suddenly the torpor of the horrendously long journey and the uncomfortable sleep in an over-crowded economy section fell away; I dashed forward, wielding the trolley like a dangerous weapon, cutting a swathe through the meeters and greeters... "ANDY!!!!!"

He looked up, grinning broadly and stepped forward as I approached, opening his arms wide. I abandoned the trolley and leapt on him, felt his strong embrace, let him lift me around effortlessly. His youthful strength and exuberance thrilled me. "I missed you so much..." he gasped into my ear.

"I missed you too...you should have been there! Everyone asked after you....it was a beautiful wedding...!"I replied, trying to say everything at once, but most of it was lost in his kiss as he fumbled for my lips.

"S'a good job you brought me along or your luggage would have been long gone..." Andy set me down and I turned to the familiar sound of the other voice. In my excitement to see Andy, I had totally missed the presence of Jeff. I wriggled from Andy's arms, jumped on Jeff and he gave me a smacker of a kiss.

"I didn't see you there!" I exclaimed laughing.

"You had eyes only for my uglier little bro here..." Jeff grinned. "He's been bad without you, Ums. Poor bastard has been wandering around like a dog with no tail. Put him out of his misery. Go home and root him blind. I'll keep myself scarce for the next 24..."

I love Jeff so much. Did I ever tell you? He's just how men should be if they weren't so busy being men.

"I talked to Paul..." I whispered and felt Jeff's body stiffen slightly at the mention of his former lover's name. For a rare occasion, Jeff did that male thing. He closed down on me. I never loved him more than at that moment.

"Yeah? How's my old mucka? Cock a hoop at Italy's win, I'll bet. He'll be claiming the winning penalty next to hear him, no doubt..." Jeff's laughter was a little forced.

"I'll tell you later. You okay?" I asked, not fooled by his bravado.

Jeff nodded. "Even been on a date! Well, nothing serious yet but a few hopeful signs. And I've got a job. And I think we found a decent apartment..."

I looked back at Andy waiting patiently for me to be finished. Holding out a hand, I grasped his. Jeff wheeled the trolley for me, riding on it like a kid with a scooter as we all chatted and made our way to the car park. It was so good to be home. Yes, home. It felt so good. Peaceful. Real.

 

Jeff was true to his word. He dropped us off at the flat and mumbled something about a rush job at work. I never saw him for the next day and a half. He really did keep out of our way, poor baby. It was a good job really. Andy had me pinned to the wall the moment the front door of our apartment was closed. He then consummated my welcome home on the new Persian rug in the lounge room. Very eloquently too.

Later, dragging a throw over us against the cold winter afternoon, we lay together sprawled out naked on the couch. Andy was suddenly eager for news.

"I hope you took loads of pictures," he began.

"Yeah..." I lifted my discarded handbag on my toe and carried it over, retrieving my digital camera. "Okay...well, this is Yves..."

"Yves...?" Andy said, raising an eyebrow.

"I told you about him! The sexy French guy who tried to pick me up the first day! Turns out he's some ultra bad guy, an enemy of Terry's...it was so cool. I got to play femme fatale and lead him on..."

Andy groaned. "Only you would dare to tell your boyfriend that. The thing is, I don't even feel jealous. That bastard was biting off more than he could chew if he thought he was going to play around with Uma the Magnificent..."

I giggled and dug him in the ribs. "Terry went nuclear on my arse. We had a totally great fight. I finally promised to be good then hit on Cullen Murphy. You know about Cullen?" Murphy had arrived after we had left, so Andy had never met him.

"Yeah, Jeff mentioned him. Irish, drop dead gorgeous (that was Jeff's description...). Treats women like a bowl of peanuts...just cannot have one at a time..."

"Yeah, that's Cullen! Well, Terry had sent Murphy to ensure I behaved. The bastard was following me! So I naturally didn't behave. I gave horny Murphy the full force of my Uma sex-ray and he followed me home, all tongue hanging out and tripping over his hardon, then I slammed the door in his handsome Irish face. God, I love being me...!"

Andy just put his head back and laughed. He was no more worried than if I had told him I had been taking tea with a party of nuns. That is when I knew beyond any doubts that we had made it. Trust is the most elusive thing - but it is the greatest gift when won. "So what happened to Yves...?" he asked.

"Dunno...I managed to avoid him after that. The wedding was just beautiful. And I almost had a knockdown with Gaia. She is just so easy. All you have to do is look at Terry and she goes totally mental..."

"Uma...Gaia is a lovely woman. You are just cruel..."

"Yeah, but she asks for it! She hated how good I looked, you know? She started chunnering on in that French way of hers about me looking like a wannabe bride just because I was wearing cream..."

"Come on..." Andy interrupted. "What did you say to her...? Andy knows me too well.

"Nothing! I said absolutely nothing! I was so nice to her. I just complimented her on choosing black. It being such a slimming colour...and you know she could afford to lose a few pounds..."

Andy rolled his eyes. "Uma...you're a bitch..."

"I know. But I do it so well..." I replied with a grin. He tolerates that side of me but doesn't really understand it. It isn't in his nature to be underhand. If he tries it, he gets it wrong. I have never known a more straight up, innocent guy.

"How's Jeff been really?"  I inquired. Andy shrugged, reaching over and picking up a pack of cigarettes, lighting one, taking a drag and then passing it to me.

"He's been out and about. Met a few guys...he's beginning to get back into the scene. I think there's someone he's interested in but he seems a little reluctant. I don't know. He won't talk about his love life to me. He's very discreet like that, you know? But he needs to get laid. So what if it's just physical? He's a bloke. He needs sex. It would do him a world of good..."

I smoked the cigarette thoughtfully. "Paul's a mess. But he's sticking to his guns. He's really been hurt by this. I wish there was a way to get through to him. But Sonia's got him by the nose. He won't cross her. I'd like to slap her stupid face, the selfish bitch..."I added.

Andy took the cigarette from me and had a drag. "She's got every reason to be bitter..."

"She needs to get over it. She's ruining the lives of two good men. And I don't trust her. She could well dump the lot of them and leave Paul really adrift..."

"Aw, come on, Uma! You've never even met the girl! Be fair!" Andy exclaimed.

"I don't need to meet her. I know the type. She reminds me of someone I know well...Same self-centred world view..."

"Who?" Andy asked innocently.

"Me," I retorted.

At that he rolled over and cuddled me, nuzzling up against my naked back, all warm and male and snuggly, the hard flop of his penis prodding. "Hey, you're not like that! Give yourself a break..." he whispered into my ear.

"Oh, but I have been, Andy! You never knew me in the days when I really was a bitch...Count yourself lucky!" I wriggled round onto my back and brushed back the messy locks of hair that fell onto his forehead. "But I love that you said that. Andy, I love you so much...so very, very much..."

His kiss is like a little touch of heaven. Who knew that one day a woman like me would find everything she had ever wanted in a man like him?

 

 

JEFF

I left them alone. Andy was so wired that he could hardly get the car keys out of his pocket to throw them to me. I'd asked him for the loan of his wheels for the weekend if I cleared out of the way. Like they needed a car? They would either be in bed or in the restaurant.

Anyway, I had plans of my own. There's this guy I've been seeing. He's called Toby. Nice guy. Tall, good body, bronzed, hair dyed blonde. Lovely eyes. We met at this place I've been going to in South Yarra. XChange. It's a gay bar but in an area like this  gets a pretty mixed clientele.  I prefer that kind of place. I've never been comfortable with the real hard-edged gay scene or in mixing only with raving pooftas. I might be gay but I don't want to live in some half life on the fringes of the real world. Paul was always more into that sort of lifestyle than me. He's as happy as a pig in muck prancing around in glitter and mascara. But not me. I like to mix with all sorts of people.

But I also want to get laid from time to time. I can't take much more of this. I'm so horny I could root the inside of a sock. It's beginning to interfere with my ability to think straight. There've been a few blokes I've had my eyes on but although I've had a few moments, I am still in search of the Big 'O'. Not that I haven't managed to get there on my own a few times. I still resort to pulling the pork from time to time - well, a little more often than that to be honest - but it's hardly the same thing, is it? That's more of a health issue than a sexual one.

Anyway, Toby. He's a nice bloke. I think I said that already, didn't I? He says he's bi. Doesn't have a lot of experience with men and personally I think he's just flirting with being gay, but that's his business.  We met a few times down the bar and both of us were eyeing up each other, as you do. Don't be fooled by that gaydar stuff. It isn't always that easy. I wasn't sure if he was just a straight gay hanging around and it turns out he thought the same about me.

We've had a few dates, if you can call them that. Went to the footie at the Telstra, played pool a couple of times, saw a movie, had a curry. Nothing too heavy. We messed around a bit in his car a few times but nothing more than touching and petting. We both want more. But it isn't easy. I can't bring him back to Andy's. Especially when Uma was away. She might have talked him into it, but I couldn't quite see him sitting there in the lounge with the two of us. He isn't quite as easy about it all as my dad was. Toby shares a flat with a few mates, none of whom know he's bi. He's not ready to come out so that was another avenue closed to us.

I know I probably could have found a solution if I'd really been ready to take the plunge but, the fact is, for all that I was horny, I wasn't sure I did. Toby was a nice bloke - as I keep saying - and this was a big deal to him. I didn't want to start something with him if it wasn't going to mean something. If all I wanted was just a bit of rough trade, Toby was probably not the way to get it. But the thought of picking up some leather clad bloke and blowing him down an alleyway just turned me off. Was that really what I was reduced to these days?

Uma's return sort of forced my hand. I suggested to Tobes that we went up north to Daylesford for the weekend to leave them some space. It's a spa town with a very vibrant but restrained gay community. No one would know either of us there and I thought he might feel more relaxed - so would I come to think of it. Maybe this was the time for us to take that final step.

Toby was just finishing work when I pulled up outside - he works for a carpet company in Brunswick. He jumped in and we set off, hitting the highway and turning up the volume on the CD player. He had a stack of stuff with him; he never goes anywhere without his music and we got ourselves in the mood for some action with the windows down and singing along.

He'd booked a decent hotel - nothing too fancy but not too shabby either. At least we had our own bathroom. The couple on reception didn't seem to turn a hair when we booked in and asked for a double bed. I reckon that sort of thing goes on all the time there.

Throwing the bags down in a corner, I stripped off and took a shower, noticing Toby shooting me a look in the mirror. He hadn't seen me naked before; I hadn't seen him either. I thought he might join me in the shower but he didn't. When I came out he had set up the music system he'd brought with him and was dancing round in his undies. "Love this...INXS....screwing music, huh?" he added a little shyly.

I grinned. Toby was up for this all right - nervous or not - and one look at the bolt in his shorts confirmed it. I jumped back onto the bed and lay there, the towel round my waist not covering much.  Toby sat on the edge, a little hesitant now the time had come. I leaned on one arm and smiled at him, calling him nearer. He shifted further and then threw himself down. "I don't really know what to do..." he muttered.

"It's just making love, Tobes...no different from when you've done it before... just go with it...whatever you want...whatever you're comfortable with..."

I rolled him back and eased over him. He wanted me to take the lead. That was fine with me; I preferred it that way - especially with someone I didn't know well. I kissed him and he soon relaxed. A kiss is just a kiss...the music got raunchier and so did we. It was pretty good. He didn't need much encouragement.

 

 

But I still felt pretty weird, like I was seducing an innocent kid. Not that Toby was particularly innocent, or a kid - he was 25 -but he was younger than me and this was new territory for him. I wondered if this was how it was going to be from now on. Preying on younger men. It wasn't something I was comfortable with.

 

 

But Toby had fun and didn't seem to regret what had happened. Lying slumped across me later, he hooted with high spirits. "Fuck me....That's was fucking great...! Don't know what took me so long....!"

I lit up a joint and passed it over to him. We smoked side by side with the music still blasting out, naked and spent, unconcerned anymore about embarrassment. One minute you're shy of each other, the next you're unashamed.  I looked down at his body. He's a fine looking bloke. Thinks the world of me. You can tell it the way he keeps stealing glances across, like I'm something special to him. It makes me feel bad. How can I tell him this is just for now? How can I tell him that I can't offer him anything deeper than just this? I'm not ready for love. I doubt I'll ever be ready again. How could I be? I'm still in love with someone else.

 

 

"What do you wanna do, Jeff? Go out for a few beers? Stay here and have another go round? I could go all night...!" Toby announced with a smug grin. "I feel really good about this, Jeff. I was so bloody nervous...I just wasn't sure, ya know? I've had this fantasy about doing it with a bloke for ages and I thought that's all it was but, I just had to know....then I met you and I couldn't stop thinking about anything else. I've never even looked at any girls for weeks....been wanking off thinking about you..."

I let him talk. He needed to talk. It's a big moment when a guy first crosses that invisible boundary and puts himself out there with another bloke. I wondered if he really understood the ramifications of it all. Personally, I always think being gay is easier than being bi. That has to cause you a lot more problems in the long run. The simple thing is you don't really fit in on either side - and someone is going to get hurt. Not only that but was he ready for what his flat mates would say when he came out? Or his family? Because if he carried on much longer, it wouldn't be possible to hide this away. People always work it out. Better to be upfront and control it yourself.

"We could get a bite to eat somewhere and buy a few bottles...come back and make a night of it?" I suggested. He agreed, rolling off the bed and strutting across to the bathroom. Toby was one happy camper tonight.

I remembered suddenly in a flash that sent my head wheeling back, the time when Paul and I had first got together. The night we'd first made it. That's how I'd felt then. Like Toby tonight. So high, I could have gone into orbit. I hadn't been able to stop strutting for days. My body had felt strong and powerful, alive with vitality. My senses had been full of him. I'd wanted to bury myself deep inside him and never let go. Just one glance from those dancing brown eyes and I would have done anything for him. Anything.  And for the first time in my life, I'd met a man who wasn't going to use that love and throw it back in my face. He felt the same as I did. Neither of us could quite believe the roller coaster we had jumped aboard. We had both thought guys like us would never find that certain someone who would make sense of it all. Yet here it was, in our grasp. At last.

And we'd let it slip through our fingers. We must have been mad not to have treasured it like gold.

The music changed to an up tempo ballad. It caught my attention; I found myself listening to the words. It seemed uncanny that this song should come on now. It was like someone was singing about me and Paul. Remember, it was warning me, it doesn't matter who you sleep with. There'll never be anyone for you but Paul. But he's gone. He doesn't want you anymore.

 

 

I was dressed by the time, Toby wandered back in. "Changed my mind...let's go and hit a few bars..." I wasn't in the mood for romantic dinners or cosy sessions with a few beers and a bed. It's funny how a stray thought or a line of a lyric can spin you from one mood to another in an instant.

And remind you just how lonely you can feel with the wrong person.

 

 

PAUL

"Sonia, you haven't even looked at any of these damn books...I bought them as much for you as me, you know?"

Sonia flopped down in a chair and groaned. She was five months' pregnant, beginning to show and already bored out of her skull. "Paul, give it a rest! I'm eating well, not drinking or smoking, going for gentle exercise, keeping up my doctor's appointments, taking the vitamins and supplements...I'm doing my best! You've read them from cover to cover...it's only a baby! What's there to know? Feed it, burp it, give it a bath, change the nappy and put it to bed...it isn't like I'm planning to breastfeed or anything..."

I sighed. I'd lost count of how many times we'd been going round this particular topic. The months were passing and yet Sonia didn't seem to be developing that natural maternal instinct that I'd expected. She was doing what was expected of her but no more than that. It worried me. I wondered how she would ever bond with her child if she didn't begin to show some interest or affection for it. In my mind I compared her to the women at the pub who had had children or were pregnant. There was no comparison.

"All I'm saying is, there's a lot of good material out there and it might make you feel better to be more aware of what is going to happen to your body..."

She rolled her eyes. "I know what's happening. I'm having a baby. I wish I wasn't. It's your fault I'm stuck with it..."

"My fault? How d'you work that one out?" I shouted.

Sonia gave me a look. "You know what I would have done. It was you that begged me not to. And I wasn't fooled by your reasons. You want this baby 'cos it's Mitchell's. Not because it's mine. It's about time you started to get your head round a few home truths. You are not the baby's father how ever much you try playing house and wannabe dad. You're either gay or you're not. Make your mind up. Gay men give up the right to be parents. If you want a baby then you better hop on the other bus..."

Sonia can be such a little bitch when she wants to be. "Look, I'm not trying to pretend this is mine. But a baby needs a father, a male figure in its life. I've offered to be just that. You'd think a girl in your position would be grateful. I've given you a home and support..."

"Male role model? You? Come on, Paul! You a role model for a little boy...?"

I jumped up at that piece of stereotypical gay-bashing shit. "What the fuck you trying to say? Your son won't be safe with me? Is that what you mean? Uncle Paul might not be able to stop being a pervert around him? Jesus Christ, Sonia...! It's all coming out now, eh?  Is that what you really think about me? That is a load of bollocks and you should know better than that. Following that dodgy reasoning, a straight father would be regarded as dangerous around a girl, then..."

"I didn't mean that! Paul, don't go all diva on me! I meant you were not exactly a perfect male role model. How can a boy learn how to be male living with a man who wears mascara and minces round like you do? He needs a real man in his life..."

"I am a real man! Being gay does not make me a woman, you...you..." I didn't complete the sentence. I was too scared I would say something that would really offend her. And Sonia, as usual, was holding all the ace cards. She knew how much I wanted to be part of this baby's life. But it wasn't just about Jeff. Okay, he was a big part of it - why wouldn't he be? At least one of us was prepared to acknowledge that this child was 50% his. But it was also that I knew I was ready to be a father. I wanted someone in my life that would always stick around. A family of my own. I have a lot of love to give and no one seems very interested in it. This baby - hardly the apple of his mother's eye already - needed someone who would always be there for him. That's what I wanted to be.

At first, Sonia had seemed delighted with the set up and everything had seemed workable. But over the past months she had definitely cooled off and obviously had second thoughts about her knee-jerk reaction at the start. I think my mother had had something to do with it. Dad too, probably. Sonia and Mum had never been that close - Sonia had been the typical rebellious daughter and Mum was a pretty conventional Italian mamma - staunchly Catholic and very traditional about women and how they should behave. They had fought like cat and dog for years; Sonia had left home as soon as she could and never went back often.

However the news of her pregnancy had changed everything. I have no idea what she had told them about the father, if anything, but she had told mum early on that she was expecting. I thought it natural. A girl needs her mother at a time like that. But I didn't see  at first what was the likely outcome from them getting closer. Instead of being critical of her for being a single mother, Mum and Dad were chuffed she was keeping the baby and trying to make a go of it on her own. They thought it showed signs that she was growing up and might even be settling down. And naturally they love kids - Irish-Italian Catholic family? Are you crazy? They couldn't wait to get their hands on their latest grandchild.

Which, of course, made them question Sonia's sanity where I was concerned. Mum and I spoke briefly  a few times on the phone; she thanked me for stepping up for my sister when she got in trouble but told me they would take over from now. I told her that I expected to be around a lot more than that in the future. I knew the baby's father and had promised to look after them both. Sonia needed a place to live and I was prepared to be a surrogate father. My mother had laughed. "You wanna be the Papa? You better learn how to be a boy then yourself first... You think it nice to let a little bambino watch you and your men friends together? I don't think so..."

That gives you a taste of my mother's opinion of me. Well, there's nothing new there. Then we got the usual tears and histrionics from her - she's very temperamental. And wonders where I get it from?

That led to a call from my Dad who gave me a bollocking for upsetting her and told me that if he had his way, the baby would never even know who I was. Nice one, dad. Sonia had said to take no notice of them. It was her decision, not theirs. But she had gone up to see them and visits back and forth were now a regular occurrence. Mum and Dad had even come down here once although they hadn't gone in the pub. I have no idea why. Dad is usually found propping a bar up somewhere. But I suppose they thought my place would be full of raving pooftas or something, so they declined an invite and just went upstairs through the outside entrance.

They looked about and sniffed a lot, making it clear they thought my flat was too pretentious for their tastes. Dad said it looked like a space ship whatever he meant by that and Mum asked me when I was going to get some furniture. I think minimalism is lost on them. Without acres of chintz and roses up the wallpaper they feel adrift. Somehow to them design and style equals effeminate self-indulgence. I don't think the notion of every one to his own has ever dawned on them. You think like them - or you are odd.

Anyway, they didn't stay long. I saw Mum picking up some framed photos I have of me and Jeff but she didn't ask any questions as to where he was nor did I make any attempt to enlighten her. I was sorely tempted to blurt out, "He's the father of your precious grandchild - and he's gay too...so looks like the genes could be stacked up there..." But, of course, I didn't. I leave it to others to be the ones to undermine confidence. I know too well myself what it's like to be knocked back by life.

So it seems to me that some of this has begun to rub off on Sonia. She's beginning to pick up the vibe they are giving out and, in her more fragile state of mind, they are doing a number on me. I can see what's coming. Once the baby's born, what's the betting it ends up being brought up largely by Mum in Liverpool so Sonia can go get on with her life - and I'll be lucky if I get a cuddle on birthdays and Christmas? Which is unlikely, as I never usually get an invite...

I walked out at that point in the argument and into my room where I increasingly find myself hiding out these days. Slamming the door petulantly behind me, I threw myself on the bed and stared up at the ceiling. My life is shit. It is totally fucked up. I have no fucking idea what the fuck I want to do or where I want to go with it. I've tried to get back in the scene but it just isn't working for me anymore. My taste for dirty encounters in gay clubs has waned. It all seems too sleazy. I'd be embarrassed to face the rest of my friends after something like that. That's the big difference, you see. Jeff taught me more than just all about love. He showed me how to belong without inclusion having to mean hanging with the sexual side of your nature all the time, because that's pretty creepy actually and far from normal. We are more than the sum of our parts and the orientation of our sexual preferences. I like having friends who are totally different from me. I like belonging in the real world.

There was that fling with Raul at the spa. He's pretty harmless and it was fun while it lasted but, for Christ's sake, I might not be Einstein, but even I need a bed mate with substantially more brain cells than an amoeba to stimulate me. It was like talking to a rather pretty stuffed toy that breathed. Poor Raul, as pretty as he is - and he's a dynamite footie player - is little more than a life support system for his dick.

And even I need more than a real life rubber doll.

Since then, it's been a bit quiet. I've picked up a few one night stands but I've got to be discreet. Can't bring them home, don't always want to find myself at their place.

I sighed and lit up a cigarette. It's weird. I still sleep on my side of the bed. It as though I believe that Jeff's going to come back in and join me any minute, so I leave him space just in case. I turned my head and stared at the empty pillow, trying to remember what it felt like when he was lying there with me and we would just talk. Funnily enough, I fantasise more about talking to him than I do about shagging him. He's like my imaginary friend, you know like kids have? I still find myself talking to him in my head, telling him everything that's going on, asking his advice, confiding in him how I feel. I need his voice of reason more than ever now. There isn't anyone else I can talk to.

Well, not like I could talk to Jeff.

I'm lonely, which is kind of funny when you think of it, surrounded as I am by people all the time. But that seems to make it worse. There are a lot of people at the pub who would do a lot for me and are constantly showing their concern, but it only seems to remind me of what I don't have - a special someone for myself. I look at the couples and see them together, just hanging out as you do, and I wonder if they know just how precious it all is. When they all go home and I lock up, that climb up the stairs is the loneliest walk I know. Sonia will be long in bed and I am back in solitary, having fantasy conversations with an ex-boyfriend who is ten thousand miles away. What a sad bastard, hey?

I thought about what Sonia had said. She implied that I needed to make my mind up. 'You're either gay or you're not. Make your mind up. Gay men give up the right to be parents. If you want a baby then you better hop on the other bus...'

In a way she was right. If I wanted to be a father more than I wanted to be a gay cruising sex stud, then maybe it was time to rethink my lifestyle. It had been hard enough to imagine two gay men in a relationship could realistically bring up a child, but on my own it was impossible. I couldn't live my life vicariously through Sonia's. So where did that leave me?

Only one option. Get a girl of my own and build myself a family. Many gay men do that. I like women. They like me - often more than they like other guys. I have significantly more in common with them and I share many of their tastes and interests. Plus I can provide for a family just like any other man. I have lots of girlfriends. Is it so much of a stretch to imagine me getting married to one of them and setting up a home together? We'd be partners, friends and lovers too. I've done it with a girl. Not on my own, mind you. Jeff was always there when we slept with Esme, but I proved I could do the job. All I need is a bit of practice and to acquire a few more specific skills.

But women fancy me. Everywhere I go I turn their heads. I could pick up a woman no problem. There's more to it than that though. I want to get close to a woman, maybe even fall for her. Have her fall for me anyway. Not sure I could fall really deeply back though. Not because she's a woman but because I just don't feel I have another big love in me. I'm not sure even if love's necessary to make it work. Look at Jeff and me. That was Romeo and Juliet stuff but it didn't mean it was going to go the distance. No, I think just respect and friendship will probably do the trick well enough.

The more I thought about it, the more the idea seemed to have some appeal. I know it's one of those 'same old, same old' things about queers trying the straight life and I'm not thinking like it's going to be a walk in the park, but it seemed to answer all the questions I had. It couldn't be any harder than trying to drag one foot after the other on your own.

Wish I had someone to talk to. If Esme was around I'd buzz over and ask her. But she's gone somewhere. Not sure where but I'll bet Murphy's in the mix somewhere, the bastard. He's disappeared too after moving in the pub and offering to help behind the bar. That lasted two nights and then he vanished. Esme must have given him his privileges back. Can't say I blame either of them though. Grab it while you can.

Jessie always listens and tells it like it is - but she's too busy with little Jimmy Mac and his dad these days. I wouldn't want to dump on her at the moment. I had a moment of weakness recently with that new barmaid who drifted in and out for a while but she wasn't really on my wavelength. Her thwarted one night stand was apparently more traumatic than my sad little heartbreak. Should have kept my mouth shut. Probably will in future.

What I need is to get into the game again. Start looking a bit more macho, make a few subtle moves on good looking women and see what happens. No harm giving it a whirl, hey? You know how girls are. Most just want to find a decent bloke, settle down and play house with him. Sounds bloody good to me from where I'm standing. That will make all the others sit up a bit.

And it will prove to Sonia and my Mum and Dad that I was serious about taking care of the baby. I'd do anything to ensure that. I owe it to Jeff to be there for his child. It's the least I can do for all he's suffered because of us.

 

 

ANDY

Jeff called me up in the week.  Asked if he could come round some time with a friend. He had a birthday present for me. I said why not join us for dinner? Uma wouldn't mind. We get enough time alone and it's fun to celebrate a birthday with others. I still remembered the bashes we used to throw at the pub. I was taking the night off and the cooking was being done by the team. I'm pretty pleased with the gang in the kitchen and how I've trained them up. I'm always on the premises and in and out of the kitchen but don't have to be doing everything myself any more. Things are easing off.  Tonight would be a total first though- being a guest in my own place. Well, that would be the proof of the pudding, hey?

He didn't mention who the friend was. I supposed it was some new bloke of his. I decided not to tell Uma in advance that there would be four of us. You know how she'd get herself in a state, either dying of curiosity or plotting all sorts of ways to drive the poor bastard away from Jeff. She is still totally determined to see him back with Paul come hell or high water and there is no way she will accept him with anyone else. I try to make her see that people move on and that it was abso-bloody-lutely none of her damn business anyway.

Like that would stop her? 

So there we were, having a quiet drink, chatting to Gavin who was on the bar that night. Leanne was doing Uma's job as restaurant maitre d' causing Uma to mutter that she'd be sleeping on her side of the bed if she could climb into that as well. Leanne and Uma dislike each other intensely. Somehow it's my fault, I believe. I'm so totally irresistible to women that Uma believes any woman who gets close is bound to be lusting after me. Not sure when I developed this amazing ability to pull. I sure don't remember it before I met her.

I saw Jeff come in with this tall bloke. Leanne made a beeline and simpered a bit but I think she worked out pretty quickly that they were together and soon resorted to her usual cool bored style. Uma had her back to the door and hadn't noticed their arrival.

"Happy Birthday, mate...!" Jeff announced and stuck one of those  silver gift bags in my face. There were a couple of CDs and a bottle inside. Uma spun round and screamed with excitement at his presence. Jeff had moved out about a month ago and we hadn't seen much of him since then.

"Jeff! Jeff! Brilliant to see you!" She swung at him and he picked her up, kissing her and plopping her back down on the high stool.

"Great to see you, too. You look amazing. This fella's doing you a lot of good..." Jeff grinned. Then he stood back and brought his companion forward. "Say hi to a mate of mine....Toby....Toby...Uma...and ..."

"You must be Andy! Christ, you look just like him! You could be twins...!" Toby gushed, taking my hand and shaking it in a strong grip. He's a good looking bloke, muscular, bronzed surfer-type, designer scruff, blond highlights in his spiky hair, pierced eyebrow, jeans hanging off his skinny arse, you know the type. Wouldn't have nailed him for a poofta, though. But then who would expect that Jeff was?

"I'm younger...and better looking, but you can see that for yourself..." I grinned back. "Thanks for the pressie, Jeff. You shouldn't have bothered..."

"'Course I should! After shacking up at yours for weeks? Least I can do..."

Through all this Uma had been unnaturally quiet. I flashed her a look; she was staring at Toby, cocking her head in that way she has when some poor bugger is in her sights. Toby was giving her these surreptitious glances of his own. There was nothing remotely gay in the way he was appraising her. I could tell. I felt like getting him by the throat and telling him to stop perving on my girl.  But I knew that would have been a bad move and anyway Uma was doing her very best to get his attention. She was setting him up. I was going to kill her this time.

"So Toby...what does a nice boy like you do for a living? Jeff never told us anything about you! " She began, all false innocence. Who the fuck is she, Jeff's mother?

Jeff gave her a strange look. It was either what she had said or the way she had said it. She certainly didn't sound like normal Uma, her voice all light and girlish giggle now, her husky no-nonsense manner vanished.

Toby smiled and launched into a short resumé. "I grew up in Melbourne...lived here all my life. Dropped out of Uni a few years back. Wasn't really for me. Mum and dad weren't too thrilled about it but they're cool now..."

"...So what is for you, Toby? What great ambition took you from your studies?" Uma added, lacing her venomous set up with a pretty smile.

Toby looked a little unsure, already clearly picking up on the deathly silence at the table and the simmering undercurrent in her words. "Well...I'm heavily into the local music scene. Do a lot of gigs. Front a rock band..."

"Really? Have I ever heard of them, do you think?"

He blushed under his golden tan. "Probably not. We just do pubs and stuff. Trying to get a contract..."

"I see. And what about the day job? What does a sexy young rock god like yourself do during the day? Must be something exciting..."

Jeff coughed and took a gulp of beer. Toby winced. I kicked her under the table. 

"Well, actually I lay carpets...I work for this carpet company...it's only temporary...until I get a deal..."

"Well, at least you get laid, hey?" she retorted glibly.

To which Toby to his credit replied. "No, love. The carpets get laid. Not me..."

His subtle defence against her attempt to humiliate him seemed to win her grudging respect - but not for long. She regrouped and was off again moments later as we were tucking into the main course. Thank God the food was good; it gave Jeff  and me something to do while we sat and watched the public brawling.

"Lead singer of a rock band? Bet the girls love you, Toby..."

He smiled nervously. "Yeah, well, it kind of goes with the territory..."

"What - groupies?" Uma grinned back, leading him on. "I once saw Bob Geldof being interviewed. He said that was the only reason he became a singer - as basically he couldn't sing - to get laid as often as he could by gorgeous girls...lucky boy, Toby..."

Toby sat up straight in the chair and looked over at Jeff as if seeking permission. Then he glanced at me and I could see he was warning me to keep out. "Look, lady, I don't know what this is about but I'm getting a vibe here that I don't much care for. You know full well I'm with Jeff. Okay, I used to live a straight life. Sure there were plenty of girls. But now I'm with Jeff. You got a problem with that, then come straight out and say it. We have no secrets. Jeff knows exactly what's what...Sorry, mate for making a scene at the table..." he turned to me. "I'll leave if you'd prefer..."

Personally I felt like kissing him - and believe me, I am not often given to those feelings about men. I liked Toby and he was on the nail. Uma was out of line and Jeff and I had let him take a lot of flak, sitting back like two chickens while she had tried to savage him. Except she had failed. All she had done was make herself look like a bitch. Toby had come out looking good.

"No...enjoy your meal...something's just come up...Uma, I need to have a word with you in the back..."  I stood up, grabbed her arm and dragged her out of her seat towards the office. She did not resist. It was a good job. I'd have put her over my shoulder and carried her out if she had. Or over my knee.

Slamming the door shut, I sat her down heavily on a chair. "What the bloody hell was that all about?"

She shrugged and at least had the decency to look embarrassed. "I don't know. I just thought that maybe he was a wanker. Just using Jeff or something..."

"Based on what, precisely? You didn't even give the guy the chance to open his mouth before you started on him..."

"You should have told me he was coming! Why did you keep it a secret?" She deflected the blame onto me.

I threw my arms up in the air. "Because I know how fucking unreasonable you are! I thought if I caught you on the bloody hop you might just have less time to cock everything up for Jeff. Look, Uma. Paul kicked him out. That was months ago. Since then, nothing. You've spoken to Paul. He won't relent. It's over! Over! Jeff has a new boyfriend at last after months on his own. Give him a break. Be glad for him. And I tell you something else...you never gave Paul a fucking chance back then either. You were always on his case. You never thought he was good enough for Jeff. I've heard you humiliate him too often enough...Suddenly now he's the perfect partner? Isn't it time you stopped making like you actually know shit about people's lives? You fucked up your own for long enough..."

I really gave it to her. Even as I spat it out, I knew I was being harsh. But I also knew I was telling her the truth. She might have once had a function in these men's lives but she doesn't anymore. Nor does she have the inside on how it should work. I am sick and tired of her interfering and making it worse.

Uma say there, staring at the floor, her face pinched and pale. Then she stood up and shook her hair back. "You're right. I was appalling in there. What the hell am I going to do to make amends to them? And I have totally destroyed your birthday. I'm a bloody disgrace! I just felt so helpless there. I always hoped that maybe if the door was still open...maybe after the baby was born...some time down the line...it's nothing to do with Toby. He seems a really nice boy actually. Good for Jeff really...Oh I am such a damn fool...!"

She was so upset and totally at a loss as to what to do. I understood her concerns. I'd always hoped they might get back too. But you couldn't take it out on Toby. Nor could you blame Jeff for moving on and picking up the pieces of his life. I knelt down in front of her and tilted up her chin until she looked at me. "I'll go and explain to them that you're not feeling well or something. You don't have to go back out if you'd rather not..."

Uma shook her head and touched my cheek softly. She is so soft with me. Sometimes I wish she would let others see this side of her - and then I realize that is exactly what I don't want. I want her all to myself, even if that is pretty selfish. "No, Andy, I'm going back to say sorry. I may be a lot of things but I'm not a coward. And I know when I've made a mess of it and that it's up to me to sort it out. But thank you for protecting me, even when I didn't deserve to be protected..."

Running her arms around my neck, she kissed me and I held her close. I love her so much it is impossible to stay mad at her for long. Especially as her worse critic is herself. Whatever she does she makes herself pay for it one way or another. You can't exactly disapprove of a person who isn't afraid to look herself in the eye and tell herself what a cow she can be.

Standing up, she glanced in the mirror, fluffed out her hair, dabbed at her eyes and repaired her lipstick. Striding out, she led me back to the table and sat down. Toby and Jeff had been deep in conversation and both looked up a little unsure when she returned.

"Hi...sorry about that. Andy just metaphorically put me over his knee..." she grinned and put on her daffy face. "Look...I was out of line with what I said. Toby, I am ashamed of myself for making you feel like I did. There was no reason for it other than I love Jeff and have some irrational need to make sure that he's never hurt by anyone which causes me automatically to attack anyone who goes near him. Please forgive me. You're a great guy and I'm just a crazy woman. What I should have said was, I am very happy Jeff brought you tonight, I hope you will both be very happy together and I would love to hear your band some night..."

Toby looked a little startled at the unexpected turnabout. Jeff just grinned and mimicked shooting her across the table. I rolled my eyes again.

"No worries. I promise I'm not after his millions. Maybe we just start again, hey?" Toby said extending his hand to her to shake - which in the circumstances was pretty decent of him and showed he was a straight up bloke.

Uma reached out and returned the shake. "I've just had an idea...after the cake and everything...oh yes, there is cake, boys, this is a birthday dinner...! How's about us going to a club, getting pissed up and dancing the night away...?"

Which is what we did. A few hours later, we were well oiled in a throbbing nightclub. Jeff and I were sitting at the side drinking bottles of over-priced Mexican beer while Toby and Uma cavorted on the dance floor. If you hadn't known either of them you would have imagined they were trying to get arrested for lewd behaviour - not an easy thing to achieve in a raunchy Melbourne dance club either.

"It doesn't bother you? Watching her make out on the dance floor with another man?" Jeff shouted over the driving beat.

I hunched my shoulders. "She doesn't know any other way to dance. Bother me? No. She's playing. She likes to dance. I'm not much cop. She'll come back to me when she's out of breath..." I grinned and sucked on the bottle, turning my eyes back to where Toby had her pressed up against his groin, hands firmly on her hips, simulating thrusting, her butt working up and down in response, grinding hard enough to bring tears to any man's eyes.

"He likes girls. I think he misses stuff like this...you know? Dancing, flirting, being a bit of a stud..."

"Then cut in...go dance with him yourself..." I responded.

"You know me," Jeff answered. "I'm not exactly Ricky Martin on a dance floor...What you said before about letting her play . Takes a lot of trust to do that..."

"I trust her."

"You should marry her..."

"Why?" I was surprised at his turn of thought.

"Because if you find that kind of trust then I think you marry her...Call me old fashioned..." Jeff said without hesitation.

"I guess we don't need to be married to love each other..."

" 'Course you don't. But it's still different, Andy. It's a different commitment. A different symbol. That's what I feel anyway..."

I thought about it for a little while. He wasn't wrong. I can't pretend I haven't thought about it, more as a gesture than anything else when I get one of my emotional attacks of sentiment. I have this problem with what to call her. Girlfriend seems too childish. Partner seems too informal. I wish I could call her my wife. But this was not the time or place for it.

I stood up. "Come on, Ricky....let's go and break up their party. I feel like a little bumping and grinding myself....

 

 

PAUL

Astrid Makepeace. You couldn't make that name up, could you? But the girl who went with it was everyman's dream fantasy. She even made an impression on me. The pub is full of beautiful women and well, I look. I have a well developed taste for beautiful things and women are no exception. But my eyes kept lingering on Astrid - and it was not just aesthetic appreciation.

If I had to find a word to describe the glorious Astrid, it would be ripe. She reminds me of a juicy perfect peach, just ready to eat, soft, blush-tinged and mouthwatering. That girl was made for sex. Her lips are almost swollen with kiss promises, her startling eyes sparkle with temptation, her body is barely contained by her clothes. Some women just send out that message. It might not be PC to say it but when even a poofta like me gets the message loud and clear then you have to admit some vibe is going on there.

It's not like she doesn't know it. Astrid is a man-eater in every sense of the word. She sits at the bar and she chooses her victim. From the first word she says, it is obvious she isn't a prick-tease. This girl is putting out and if you want it on special you better grab it now - you won't get a second chance. She's the most predatory woman I've ever met. Many girls - and I observe women a lot behind this bar - are on the make but some either try and pretend they are not cloaking their come-ons in love talk and insisting on some ritual niceties to make them feel less guilty about actually wanting a good seeing to. Others down a few drinks too many either for courage or to give them something to blame the next morning, apart from the guy who is bound to get the brunt of it either way. But Astrid can be cold stone sober, stroll in, home in on some lucky guy and you know they'll be humping before too long. There's no pretence or game playing. She sets her cards out straight on the table.

And the next day she'll not be waiting by the phone for a call or pouring hot tea over a bloke's lap for offending her delicate sensibilities. She'll be too busy looking for the next night's thrill.

I suppose some men would call her a tart. I'm not really sure what that means, although I've used the word myself in the past - and regularly been called one. Sometimes it seems to me that tart is a euphemism for honest. We're all looking to get laid one way or another. I don't know many men who aren't up for it any minute of the night or day if it falls their way. So what rule says a woman can't be equally up front about what she wants? Guys hate how girls expect a one night stand to have some follow up -or the guy's regarded as a tosser. You'd think a woman like Astrid would be their ideal.

Of course she always is the ideal the night before. But once she's passed on, most guys are a little uncomfortable. Aren't women supposed to hang around feeding a man's ego, even if you don't want them? A woman tossing a bloke aside and moving on is a little bit intimidating to that fragile male ego. So how do they control her in their own little hierarchy?

Destroy her reputation. Humiliate her with a few scathing put downs and cruel insults. Then they can all feel big, tough and macho again.

I hate that side of men. I've never understood it. But then, I'm not one of the band of brothers, am I? I'm just the little gay slag myself.

It was a slow burn. It took a few nights of perving on her when no one knew I was looking before the idea dawned on me. It was simple. Here I was contemplating having a go at the straight life, and there she was, sex goddess incarnate, the perfect learning curve. And I knew she was interested. Women always are. They want to cure me. Apparently I have some complaint that one night with them will eradicate. The ultimate one dose treatment. They think I don't know what I've been missing. Plus, they think I'm drop dead gorgeous. Which I can't argue with.

In the end a chance occurrence gave me the opportunity although even then I worried about it all night and almost bottled out in the end. We were really shorthanded. Loreta had disappeared at short notice with Jason, Jessie was still on maternity leave, Chili was off somewhere, Angie was on her night off, Nolia had walked out for some inexplicable reason to do with Terry Thorne so I was behind the bar on my own and struggling on a busy night. I put out a call to arms and three ladies stepped up to help: Dyanne - a sweet young thing who's doing a few nights regularly now, Bou, my old mate who is always there to lend a hand, and the luscious Astrid whose breasts gently stroked the pumps while she pulled a pint. I'm not sure why I had to mention that but her breasts fascinate me. I can't stop watching them.

After hours, I gathered the girls together and we had a few drinks. The other two cried off quickly - their blokes were waiting on them in the car park, which left Astrid and me alone with a bottle.

I fluffed my lines a few times but eventually got her to come upstairs to the lounge and finish our drinks there. After a rather un-cool interlude when I tripped over my tongue a few times, Astrid stepped into the breach to help me out. She knew what I wanted. Apparently she wanted it too. After a clumsy comment of mine about her tits, she simply decided to cut to the chase, shimmied out of her dress and advanced on me in nothing but a tiny pair of panties and her stilettos.

I was speechless. There was a moment when I almost ran. I thought I would be a terrible let down. A sudden panic that I wouldn't be able to get it up washed over me. I wasn't sure I could cope with that particular humiliation.

But I needn't have worried. She cupped my groin, made a few appreciative noises and had whipped me out in no time. And I was standing to attention staring her in the eye like a real man should.

We did it all. I mean, we did it all. She loves oral sex. I love oral sex. What's not to love? So we spent a long time just exploring our naughty bits with hands and mouths. She seemed to know that I wanted to look. I suppose most men do - we're pretty visual by nature - but I was even more curious than most, not getting the chance to see a girl from that angle very often.

Astrid is shaved bare down there- or more likely waxed as it is as smooth and stubble free as peach skin. I have to say, I love that. Girls have such pretty bits. I could have played down there all night and she certainly didn't seem to mind the attention. According to her, most men don't give cunnilingus enough attention, treating it as just a quick warm up to get a girl in the mood, but not seriously mastering the technique. What's the matter with them? And here's me thinking I didn't know much about pleasing women. Seems like compared to the average bloke, I'm way ahead of the game.

Anyway, without going into details - I do not kiss and tell, mate - we went through the Kama Sutra from cover to cover and then back again. Not much sleep was had by either of us but once in a while, a night of passion is recommended. We ended with a long hot shower session the next morning and then one of Angie's legendary fry ups. She disturbed us as we wandered out of the shower in nothing but towels so it was the least she could do to make amends.

That means the entire pub would find out before the day was out. You know what Angharad's like when it comes to a juicy nugget of gossip!  Did I care? Not really. I was feeling pretty damn pleased with myself actually. Even swaggered a bit like a guy should when he's been well laid by a beautiful woman - and done a fair bit of that laying himself. It was odd really. I even dressed differently that day. It had been a long time since I felt so masculine. Actually it was a good feeling. It also felt like I belonged with the rest of them somehow. I've never been much of a pack rat but I began to understand its appeal.

That wasn't the end of it. Astrid, the Queen of 'love them and leave them', came back for more the next night. And the night after. I wasn't quite so hesitant this time. We would lock up, climb the stairs and then pounce on each other. It was pretty hot stuff. We even made a little video of one of our sessions and I have to say we looked pretty good together. So good that it all got me thinking. I'd hooked up with Astrid to learn some moves with women - maybe I had got it wrong. Maybe Astrid was the woman I was looking for all along.

So that's when I came clean. Lying in bed one night sharing a spliff, I told her a few home truths.

"Astrid, I've not been exactly honest with you..." I began. She laughed huskily.

"Now there's an admission from a guy...!"

"Don't laugh. I mean it."

"I know, sweetie. That's why you're different. Guys normally never do...mean it, I mean..."

I hoisted myself up against the head board and pulled her in close. She is so soft. I love to feel her ripe, creamy softness in my arms. "You don't really know much about me. I used to live with this bloke called Jeff Mitchell..."

"Yeah, someone mentioned him. He was one of the Crowes?"

I nodded. "We split up. It's a long story..."

"I got all night..." Astrid said.

"I tried that once before. She wasn't really listening. I guess two men and their heartache isn't counted..." I wasn't sure I could face baring it all again.

"I don't know who you told, but this time you are talking to me. I'm listening..."

So, I told her the main details. She lay there quietly without saying much. Before I got to the bit where I admitted that I was thinking about maybe trying it with a woman, however, she started talking.

"Is this why you suddenly decided to try and seduce me? Not that it was much of an uphill struggle. What's going on in your head, Paul?  Are you scared Sonia will take the baby away if you don't prove you can settle down and live a conventional life with a girl? Don't tell me you're going to make that gay mistake of imagining that you can toe the straight line for the sake of your family? Paul, you're gay. You want to have sex with men. No woman can compete with that..."

"I've had more pleasure with you than I've had for months...I like you...a lot...more than most men..."

Astrid smiled. "And I like you too. More than almost every man I've ever met. You see, I don't much like men. I like to fuck them. It's kind of like my way of keeping them at bay. Which probably seems totally nuts to you, but there you go. You, however, I like. Very much. If I met a man like you...I'd probably marry him and have his babies..."

"Then do...you have met a man like me...me...so why not? Neither of us has got a better proposition on the cards..."

She sat up, straddling me and lying on my chest, wrapping herself around me tight. "Because, although I suspect I would very soon come to love you, you would never really love me. You love Jeff. This is all a way of trying to heal the big hole in your heart that he left when he walked away. And that's before we even get to the issue of your sexual needs and how they would damage a relationship no matter how modern and open we were about it. Paul, I care too much about you to ruin your life by even trying to pretend we could be a couple."

I closed my eyes. I wanted a different answer. But I was inexplicably relieved that she had turned my offer down.

"And that doesn't mean I think you should go looking for some other poor bitch to hook up with. I might be more tolerant than most but let me tell you this. Any girl, however compliant she might seem at first to get a looker like you, would destroy you if she found out you preferred men to her. A woman would accept a female rival before she would a male. Take my word for it...and you'd lose your kids. You know you would. And that would destroy them too...It's not right, Paul. It's a fantasy. There's nothing wrong with fantasy, but you have got to keep it in its proper place..."

I sighed. "How come you're so good at this relationship thing?" I asked her.

"I'm not. I'm the world's worst. That's why I know every fuck up in the book. I can tell you how not to make it worse - but don't ask me how to make it better. That I cannot do..."

We lay there for a while in the dark, holding each other. It was absurd. I felt so safe with her. Somehow I knew she felt like that with me. But I also knew safe was not the way love should be.

"I don't think I'll ever love anyone else in my life like I love Jeff..." I muttered.

"Then what are you doing here alone? Go and tell him that. Why do people always tell other people what they should tell the one they love, the only one who might understand them and be able to put it right?"

I laughed wryly and rolled over, pulling myself out of bed, loping to the bathroom to take a leak. I didn't know how to answer that one. Not in any way that Astrid would accept anyway. She wouldn't go for the platitudes and excuses which were all I had to offer.

But the bathroom afforded me no privacy. She followed me in, snaked her hand round and took over at the spout, pointing me deftly at the bowl as I let fly. She loves the cock ring and her thumb massaged it gently as I pissed. Christ, she is the sexiest person I have ever been with. She makes me split out of my skin. Literally. "Babes...go to him. Wherever he is. He may be feeling just like you. Even if he isn't, you owe it to both of you to give it a try. Paul, you threw him out. Sounds like he messed up but did the decent thing to try and make amends in the end. How many men you know would give up their home and business to a girl who was careless enough to get knocked up on a one night stand? It's up to you to make the next approach...he can't..."

She shook me off expertly. This girl has done this before. "I can't. He's in Australia."

"Can't? Why not? You afraid of flying? Thought that was a feminist problem..." she replied with a grin. "Buy a ticket. Find him. Tell him what you told me. That you'll never love anyone but him. It would work for most women - can't see how men are any different when it comes down to it..."

"I can't just leave this place! We're shorthanded as we are..."

"Sure you can. Employ relief staff. Ask the girls to do extra nights. I need the money and like the crowd...take me on full time...I can do the job..."

"But...but..."

"No buts, Paul. Don't talk yourself out of it. Do it. Now. Before you waste any more time..."

"But Sonia..."

"Fuck Sonia...well, not literally...even I would draw the line at encouraging incest...but this is your life! This is your man! He's your man, Paul. You are his man! Sonia is just your sister who will one day find a guy of her own and leave you anyway...Jeff is your chance at love and happiness...you cannot let him go!"

She made me promise that I would give it one last try. It was odd really. Astrid is the girl who never wants to make a commitment for herself but all she wants for me is to make that commitment. I have no idea who hurt her so bad that she runs from even a hint of romantic affection but whoever he was he should be hung up by his balls. This woman deserves to be loved. I hope to God that some day someone finds her who deserves her.

And so she convinced me. I quietly arranged things the next day after clearing my leave with Chili, who was cool about it. I didn't mention to anyone where I was going, presuming that they would think I was off for a week or so in the sun, Spain or Greece or something.

The next night I was boarding a flight to Melbourne. That's where he is. Uma told me at the wedding. She also gave me his address...

 

 

JEFF

Toby's got a gig tonight. Recently he's had a regular slot at XChange. The band is pretty popular locally and Toby is the real draw. The place is packed out on the nights he's on with the girls of his local fan club not to mention that the gay clientele think he's a honey and love his macho mincing about -especially now he's come out. Somehow that seemed to increase his mystique. He moved in with me after telling his previous flatmates that he was sleeping with a man. They, to be fair, were decent about it. I reckon they'd already begun to suspect. Men just know, even the dense ones. The vibe is always out there.

I was standing by the side of the stage - it has a central prong that extends to allow the singer to strut a bit that Toby makes plenty of use of. The place was heaving, standing room only. I'd been in the back with the lads until just before the start and then slipped out, got a beer and found a spot between a few hot looking sheilas. "Saw you with Toby before. You a mate of his? Can you get us backstage later?" One asked.

I grinned. "A mate? In a manner of speaking. He's my boyfriend..." I replied presuming it would put them off.

"Really? Hey, fancy a foursome later...?"

Christ, it's true what they say about the rock star life. I nearly choked on my beer.  "I think not, girls. Not sure we could handle the pair of you..."

They chuckled and assured me they would make it worth our while and that I should give it some thought. I certainly did even if it was more dirty fantasy than likely to happen later. But, after a few drinks and a couple of joints...well, you never know your luck in a big city, as I always say.

The lights dimmed, out came the band and off they went. He's getting better all the time. Tobes has a great voice, all the moves and gets the look right - sexy, edgy but just laid back Aussie enough to be able to heap on the cheeky charm. He has the audience eating out of his hand -but he knows how to mix it up and can deliver a real soulful performance just as easily as a loud raunchy one.

 

 

He was in the middle of that song that always pulls at my heart strings because it inevitably reminds me of Paul. The girls love it when Toby sings lyrics right at them and he had been doing just that all through, throwing himself on his knees and pointing at individual girls to direct a particular lyric. But when it came to the punch line, he slid across to where I was, ruffled up my hair, touched his heart and sang:

 

 

And then I felt it. Eyes boring into me. That feeling when you know someone is watching you.

Paul.

For a split second as I turned my head and saw him, I didn't actually believe my eyes. It seemed impossible. The song must have made such an impression that some bloke who looked vaguely like him had suddenly become him.

But as my eyes adjusted, I knew for sure and certain that my first impression was right. It was Paul. Standing there with a bottle of beer, looking so good it shouldn't be allowed. He'd come out of summer in Europe and it had been a good one. Paul has the kind of skin that only has to see a day or two of hot sun and he goes golden brown and stays that way for weeks. He'd let his hair grow back a little longer, the curl thick and glossy. He was wearing a tight V-necked shirt and a well cut pair of pants.  My heart missed a beat. It made me angry that he could still do that to me after all this time. Would I never be free of him?

So there I was angry and shocked. Not the best of starts.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" I pushed my way over to where he was standing.

"Friday night, bit of a loose end...thought I might look up my old mate, Jeffrey..."

"Cut the crap, Paul. Ten thousand miles is a bit excessive even for you for a night out."

He shrugged and took a drink of his beer. I could see he was nervous. He has this habit of shaking his knee when he's worried about something and his eyes were restless, flickering all over the place. "There were a few things I needed to tell you..."

"Ever thought of e-mail? Quick, cheap and saves you the embarrassment of face to face. A 'hi mate, thinking of making a trip over your side, mind if I call round...?' might have been a good place to start, for example. Give a bloke a bit of warning, you know?"

I knew I was being unnecessarily harsh on him but it was a defence mechanism. His appearance had taken me so completely by surprise that I felt blown away. I didn't much like the sensation. It had taken me months to get to the place I was now in and he could just walk up and bring me down again, right back to where I'd started. It wasn't fair.

I saw him wince and knew I'd hurt him. It must already have been difficult for him just to have got this far. "It was a last minute thing. I didn't have much time to plan things."

"You never do, do you, Paul?" I blurted back. "Everything has to be a gut reaction with you, doesn't it?" He knew I was referring to the speed with which he had turned on me over Sonia. That last day flashed into my mind. I wondered if it was in his too. One minute we had been lovers, the next we had been at odds. It still seemed to me to be unreal how it had happened.

"I'm sorry. This was a bad idea. I'll leave if it's a problem. I just wanted to tell you about the baby..."

That brought me up short. "Baby? Is everything alright? Sonia..."

"Everything is great. No, that's not what I meant. Sonia's doing fine..."

"How is she?"

"Growing fat and lovelier than ever. Full of you..." he added with an unexpected emotional declaration. It seemed so absurdly inappropriate at the moment.

"It was an orgasm not a gift, O'Gallagher..." I replied crudely, deflating his attempt to placate me.

I saw his face close down again. It occurred to me then that only someone you love can really hurt you. I was using my knowledge of his vulnerabilities to wound him more deeply. It was a pretty low sort of revenge. "I wasn't trying to upset you, Jeff. I just wanted you to know that the baby...well, he's a boy. Sonia had one of those new scan things and it showed up everything. Even his little widgy. Well, not so little...he is your son after all...." He made an attempt at a joke that fell hopelessly flat.

"You couldn't have mailed me that?" I replied, still giving no quarter.

"There were a few other things..." he began over the din. The band had launched into a particularly loud rock number. "Can we go outside and talk for a while?" he motioned the deafening in his ears.

"I was listening to the set," I retorted.

"Ah....yeah, the little boyfriend...cute kid...What infant school you stole him from?" Paul's answer was sarcastic. It was the first time so far he had unleashed that caustic side he has. I sensed he was becoming angry as I baited him. It was not a good sign. "When you've finished perving over the school kids, I'll be waiting over there..." He indicated the waiting lounge set back outside the main room and walked over there without waiting for my answer. I could feel the tension rolling off him in waves and I felt sorry for him. I noticed the attention he garnered  from other people at the same time as he leaned back, one foot clad in a stylish leather boot pressed against the wall behind him. He coolly lit a cigarette. Both men and women had him in their sights. But that was Paul. Whatever it is a man needs to get noticed, he has it in spades.

Just watching him across the room and I felt my cock stiffen. No one has ever aroused me as much as Paul. I thought back to the first time I had ever seen him, on the fringes of another dance floor at another nightclub. I had seen him then and felt that same sharp bolt of desire grab my groin and shake it hard. It had been a different Paul then, a harder, more selfish, jaded predator, preying on the weak. He had made me think of one of those beautiful vampires like in the movies, especially as he'd been dressed that night in a ruffled shirt and tight velvet pants that had added to the vintage impression. But even as he had slightly unsettled me, it hadn't taken the edge off my desire. It only sharpened it if anything. Just as it did tonight. But my arousal angered me. How come he still had the power to torment me with just one look?

I pushed through the crowd to where he was broodily simmering. "Look, mate, I'm sorry, right? You took me by surprise. Played a real blinder there. How are you? When did you get in? The jet lag must be kicking in..."

He shrugged and took a long slow drag, eyeing me up. "Couple of hours ago. That's how fucking desperate I am. Checked in a hotel and went straight round to yours. Some neighbour said I'd find you here. Said you were listening to Toby's band. Guess pretty boy is Toby? He the new squeeze?" His words might have been dismissive but his manner was anything but.

"Toby's a mate. We share a flat..."

"Cozy...didn't take you long to replace me, hey?"

"From the man who was rooting Raul from the spa five minutes after he kicked me out that's bloody rich..."

"I didn't come here to trade insults. I came here to tell you that..."

"...Oi, Jeff, I wondered where you'd gone..." Toby walked up at that moment. He was on a break. Then he saw Paul whose steely stare was hard to miss. The vampire was back. He looked like a cobra about to strike. Uma at her worst would have been like Snow White in comparison. "Sorry, mate...didn't know you were with someone...I'm Toby, Jeff's boyfriend..." Toby extended his hand. Paul made no move to accept it.

"Yeah, I reckoned you were the toy boy...run along, kid. You're way out of your league. We big boys don't play at being gay for street cred or to wet the fantasies of your little groupies. And we also eat little boys like you for breakfast...literally....Later maybe...if I've got any appetite left...?"

Toby took a step back at the barrage of vitriol poured out by Paul. It was the wrong time. I had just been about to give him a chance. Now he had blown it. "O'Gallagher was just leaving himself. I think I've heard about enough of his shit for one night..." I spat out.

I could see panic in Paul's eyes. "Look, I'm sorry. Okay...I'm sorry....I just want five minutes...five fucking minutes? That too much to ask for after all we've shared?" Toby's eyes enlarged slightly. I had never told him about Paul. I'd never told him much about anything to be honest. It wasn't that kind of relationship.

To me anyway.

"I'll be at the bar...." he muttered and brushed his way past a few revelers so fast that he seemed to be almost shaking us off in his haste to leave. I suppose he was hurt on a number of levels. Whoever the stranger was, it was evident this was a big part of my past - and I had never shared it with him.

"Five minutes...so spit it out...!"

Paul ran a hand over his face. He was on the emotional edge. It explained his aggression towards Toby. I knew what was wrong with him - so why couldn't I give him a chance? "Jeff...I've come all this way to tell you that I was wrong. I shouldn't have made such a rash decision about what happened. I know you let me down but...Jeff, I love you. I can't stop loving you. My life is shit without you. Nothing else matters but you. I can see everything else falling apart around my ears and in the end I'm going to have nothing. You are the only one that really means anything to me. The only one who understands me! Please, Jeff...I am so sorry for how I hurt you. You tried your best and I slammed the door in your face. But I was wrong. We both know that. And we've both been unhappy. Uma told me how shattered you were when you got to them. She told me that you still cared..."

"Yeah? That was very kind of her...."I took a deep breath. I could feel the tears building. My voice was in danger of letting me down. We were both on the brink of meltdown. "Paul...Paul, I know you love me. I know you didn't throw me out because you stopped loving me. And you think I still love you? Well, you're absolutely right. I do. I will always love you. I don't expect ever to meet anyone like you. But love's not enough, Paul. We tried but we failed. You coming here and tearing us both to shreds again is not going to do any good. There's still Sonia and the baby. She's still your priority. I am not going back there to live in some lonely bedsit waiting for you to creep out on your night off and give me a sympathy fuck. I am not prepared to sit on the wings of my son's life never able to tell him I'm ever more than some distant uncle Jeff who he hardly knows...Paul, you can't have it all...!"

"We'll work something out. Sonia can't have it all her way....I'll make her see..."

"She won't see. You won't cross her. I won't come back. You won't come here and leave your business and your life. It's impossible! Paul, we have to call it quits. It ran away from us. Love is very rare in life but even when you find it, it doesn't mean it's forever. No matter how much you want it to be. I knew Uma way back, before the pub, before most people crossed. She was with Maximus then. They were in love. I mean, they were so in love that if they were in the same room, you could feel the electricity bouncing off them. It was wild heady stuff, bordering on obsession, but it was the kind of love you rarely see outside of novels or films...and look what happened? They crashed and burned with spectacular force. Love does not mean you are meant to be together always. There are other things needed to ensure that - and we don't have them. Trust for one...That's the big key. That's what I see most clearly with Uma and Andy. They trust each other...She told me once that loving Maximus had been more pain than pleasure but she learnt something from it. That she could love a man. That she wanted to love a man. That Maximus was not the one she was meant to be with. But that she would never compromise in her search for the one that was...Go back, Paul. Find someone else. Leave me be. I've just started to drag myself back into a normal life and I like where I am..."

"But you don't love him! You've told him bugger all about yourself...! It's just a bit of fun..."

"Maybe that's exactly what I need. A bit of fun. Paul...I'm not coming back. It's over..."

"But the baby..."

"Will never be mine. I just supplied a sperm. What the fuck will that ever mean to him? I've done what I can, now I don't want to know anymore. Paul...it's over...!"

Paul staggered back as if I'd cold cocked him until he came in contact with the wall; it seemed to be the only thing holding him upright. His face caved in; he went white under the tan and his body sagged where his knees seemed to be struggling to bear his weight. He wasn't the only one. My eyes were wet. A part of me just wanted to give in, hold him, tell him we could work it out, but the truth was I knew we couldn't. There were too many obstacles in the way. It had to be now rather than later. I could not take the pain any more.

Stepping nearer, I placed a hand on his arm but he shrugged it away roughly. "Paul...I'm sorry...I love you...I really, really love you, mate. I miss you every day. I doubt I'll ever feel about anyone quite like I did about you. You were my best friend as well as my lover...But I've got a good life going on here and I'm not risking it again. I'm sorry. The only way we could make it is if you put me before everyone else. Before Sonia. Before the baby, even. But you won't. And I respect you for that. But you have to know a decision like that impacts on our relationship. Take care. Love that baby for me. And go find the right one. At least now you know what you're looking for..."

I turned to go.  I thought he would say nothing more. But I was wrong. I felt him lunge forward and catch my arm, whirling me back to look at him. His action was so fast and aggressive that a few of the security stepped forward, probably thinking we were on the brink of a fight. "One thing...I just want to say one thing to you...!"he gasped out. "Like your little friend sang...only it wasn't about you and him. It was about me and you...Remember, who's your man....remember it when it's too late...remember what you threw away today...! I hope you fucking wallow in it one day...! Now go and fuck the little kid...nice and safe...That's about all you can fucking manage, isn't it?"

And he pushed me away, dashing for the exit. I watched him go in shock myself. Was he right? Would I one day live to regret my action?

One day? I was regretting it even as I said it. But I had no choice. I had to let him go. This thing would destroy us both if we tried to salvage it.

 

 

PAUL

Not sure how I found my way back to the hotel that night. I called in a few bars and got myself well and truly ratted, bought some Scotch at one of those bottle-Os and went to bed with it. Drank and slept intermittently the next few days, threw up all over myself a few times and then finally somehow dragged myself out of it.

Checking out, I changed my ticket and hired a car, spending the next week or so driving the fabulous coastline there. They call it the Great Ocean Road and it is totally awesome. I was here for a holiday, so I thought I might as well see some of the country that those Aussie mates of mine make such a big deal of since I had nothing better to do with the rest of the time. No wonder they rave about it. It's amazing.

Those quiet lonely days on the road did me a lot of good. I had no one to pose for so I dressed in a pair of worn jeans and a tee shirt, didn't shave, wore myself out with the great outdoors every day and fell healthily - and soberly - to sleep every night in cheap guest houses along the way.

Some days I just wandered alone on beaches, stripped and went for a skinny dip on beaches so remote and secluded that the chances of being spotted in the buff were in the minus figures. Other days I wandered the headlands or the forests of age old trees, marveling at the flora and fauna so different from back home. I'm not usually one for the discovery type holiday but this time is seemed to be what I required. I just needed time to myself to think and regroup.

My last chance at winning Jeff back was gone. I'd buggered it up good and proper but even had I approached it with a bit more finesse, I have a feeling it would have backfired on me eventually. Everything Jeff had said had been true. We hadn't resolved any of the issues that had driven us apart and so reconciliation was impossible.

One day I was sitting on an outcrop of rocks, watching gulls whirl and screech over head, dive bombing on the beach far below me looking for crabs and other unfortunate morsels that showed their heads above the sand. The place looked vaguely familiar then I realized it was the beach where Hando met his purported end. That got me to thinking about a few morbid topics, including death itself. I can't pretend I hadn't given the option some thought. One quick leap and it would all be history. I'm not a celluloid character. No land of the second chance for me. This is the only life I'll ever have - and I could have checked o