He had forgotten how cold it could be on the harbour at night, shivering in his thin long-sleeved T-shirt. He had left England as summer beckoned and had hit Sydney about to head into winter. Just another irony to add to all the others. Even the weather reflected his mood.

Jeff sat on the embankment at the rear of the Opera House where it looked out over the dark waters. It was a quick hop over to Balmain where he had grown up but the last ferry of the day would soon leave - and he wouldn't be on it. There was nothing over there on the other shore but sad little memories now and he had enough on his plate as it was without opening up old wounds.

It was over a month since he'd been back in Sydney and he was still feeling a sense of displacement even amongst the familiar. Jeff loved this city, had never wanted to leave it and had always intended to return when the time was right. But all his plans for as long as he could remember had centred round Paul and the future they had planned together. That's the only reason he had stayed in England, invested in a business there, put up with warm beer and lousy weather all this time.

It hadn't taken him long to realise that home wasn't a place but it was the people you loved. Sydney without Harry had once seemed to have lost its point. The pub without Paul would be meaningless. However many friends you have, they can't replace the ones you need, those you come home to at the end of the day.

He took a deep drag on the cigarette he was smoking before tossing it into the swirling night waters below, watching the red-tipped arc of its trajectory until the flame was extinguished in the darkness.

Much like his love affair with Paul. That had been a bright shining flare of hope doused in moments. He sighed deeply. Two months already since they had broken up and he was beginning even to get used to it. To be honest he was sick of thinking about it, fed up of running it all through his brain and trying to understand the whys and the wherefores. He didn't believe it had all been his fault anymore but he also wasn't about to pretend that his paranoid lack of trust in Paul hadn't played a major part in what had happened. And that was even before you took into account the shameful act of his own infidelity that had ruined an innocent woman's life.

Yet there were two other people in this and all in their way had made mistakes, or so he believed now. 

Jeff was sorry. What else could he say? In this case sorry, however, was not enough. He felt a lot of sympathy for Paul's position, caught in the middle of the nightmare. What most people might not understand was that Paul had a dogged loyalty to his family even though most of them had spurned him because of his lifestyle. Sonia was particularly important to him as she had stood by him in the earlier years when no one else had. He would never forget that. Who could blame him? His lover sleeps with someone else. His beloved sister is impregnated by a guy who never intended anything more than getting laid and taking a mean-spirited revenge. It would be one step too far for most men even without the killer blow that Jeff suspected was the real hurt that was fuelling Paul's rejection of him. Jeff hadn't trusted him. One too many times.

"Got a light, mate?" Someone was standing by him and he hadn't noticed his arrival. Jeff startled and felt a sudden stab of unease. It was after midnight, in a lonely place and he was vulnerable. This might be the glossy image of Sydney that tourists carried home with them by day but there was a dangerous underbelly to the harbour city that was never far beneath the surface. He shot the guy a look.

"Sure." Jeff tossed him the strip of matches and got to his feet to make an exit gracefully. "I should give up any gate..."

The hand on his arm was not threatening but it did hold him back. "You interested, mate?"

Jeff turned and observed the younger man. He was slender and dark skinned, on the edge of heroin thin with a gaunt, haunted look about him. It would be easy to find a secluded area near here - the Gardens were only a step away - and let this boy give him a bit of relief.

"No, mate. Not my scene. Here...buy yourself a burger and get some sleep..." Jeff tossed the kid a ten dollar note and walked off. It hadn't just been the sordid nature of the coupling that had put him off. He simply hadn't felt any desire. Somehow that had all been used up as well.

Strolling back up towards the Quay and then onto Albert Street, he took his place in the queue for an all night bus amongst the drunks, the young couples making out in the cold and a few larrikins messing about. Leaning back on the shelter, he closed his eyes and recalled the past, despite his promises to himself to set it aside. But he couldn't help but remember those final days before he left...

"I need to see you. We've got things to talk about. And I want to see Sonia. Alone..." This time Paul hadn't hung up. Not that he said much other than agreeing.

 They decided to meet in a neutral place, the duck pond in the local park. Paul was already waiting when he got there, sitting on a bench his head in his hands, deep in thought.

"Hey..."

Paul's head had shot up. He hadn't had time to disguise the bruised look in his eyes. "Mate..."

Jeff sat by his side. It was awkward. He knew Paul's body as well as he knew his own and yet they sat there like two blocks of wood unable even to touch each other anymore. Yet he knew that every instinct that both had was screaming at them to simply grab on and hold tight. Neither moved.

"So you wanted to talk?" Paul broke the impasse.

Jeff took a breath. "I'm leaving town. It's not going to work. I can't stay here with things as they are..."

"I'm not chasing you away...this is your home. These are your friends...your family...I'm just the...the...ex..." Paul muttered.

The ex. Even if Jeff knew it was true, it hurt to hear the definite statement of fact. It was only then that he really let go of the hope that by some miracle they could find a way back. There was the period straight after a break up when it seems impossible that you won't work it out. That interim when you are still something, even if not together. But apparently they had already passed through that stage.

It was now officially over.

"I've just been thrown out of my own home. I'm sleeping at Bou and Cort's. I'm grateful for their charity but that's what I am around here. A charity case. Poor Jeff. I can't even drink in the pub these days..."

"I'm not stopping you..."Paul interrupted.

"Get real. You think I want to sit at the bar watching you and your new boyfriend making eyes at each other all night...?

"Boyfriend? What the fuck you going on about?"

"I know you're fucking Raul, that slut from the spa. It would have been nice had you waited a bit before moving on..."

"It's just sex. Don't pretend you haven't..."

"...I haven't."

"So play the martyr. I don't give a fuck."

"I know. That's why I'm here and you're there..."

They gave up. This was just turning tetchy and they would soon be fighting if they let it continue. For a while they both sat in silence staring out at the little pond.

"Look, there are practicalities. Like it or not we're partners in a business. Joint owners of a property. We have to deal with that."

Paul nodded. "I'll make sure you get your share of the profits..."

Jeff interrupted. "I've already disposed of it." He handed over an envelope. "I saw a lawyer. I signed my share over to Sonia. Paul...I can't do anything for her or the baby. You won't let me. Either of you. But it will still be my son or daughter. Try as you might you can't change that. And I'm not the kind of bloke who walks away from his responsibilities. So at least she'll have a bit of a start..."

Paul stared at the envelope as if it was going to burn him. "But...but...but you put in everything you had so I could buy that share...this will leave you with..."

"...Nothing." Jeff shrugged. "I came with fuck all. So I leave with fuck all? I've got to start again, mate. I scraped together enough dosh for the flight home. I can get another job. They always need plumbers. One thing that never goes away is shit...Paul, it's only money. They need it more than I do. Sonia can't work when she gets too far on and babies cost...."

"...Sonia doesn't deserve this. You worked so hard to get something together..."

"I'm not doing this for Sonia. I'm doing it for my child. It's probably all I'm ever going to give him - or her. Whatever..." Jeff added sadly.

Paul sighed and ran his hand through his hair in frustration. "She won't agree to you having anything to do with it. I've tried, Jeff. I didn't want to cut you off completely...but it's her baby..."

"Our baby, to be precise. You two can play house as much as you like, Paul, but that little baby will be mine and you will always know that. I guess I gave you something lasting in the end, huh?"

At that Paul lurched up, striding away a few paces. Jeff suspected that he was fighting tears. Well, too bad. He deserved to be. He himself had cried enough already.

"Can I meet with Sonia? I need closure, Paul. There are things I need to say before I go." Jeff pushed then, knowing that Paul was fragile, guilt ridden and likely to cave in more easily at this moment.

He nodded without even turning round. "She's in now. I'll keep clear for an hour or two if you want to go round. It's quiet. Only Loreta and Chili about and they'll not make a fuss..."

That was that. Jeff placed a hand on Paul's shoulder and felt him tense beneath his palm. "I'm so sorry, Paul. More than I can ever explain. I'm not much good with words. But I am sorry. Sorry for you. Sorry for me. Sorry for Sonia. But I know the little one will be fine. Couldn't  have a better dad than you. I love you, Paul. Always will. Remember that, hey?"

Even then he has this wild hope that Paul would relent, spin round, take him in his arms, say that they'd work something out - but he didn't. Paul just nodded and walked off, collar pulled up, hands in his pockets, sauntering in that jaunty way of his. But Jeff knew it was fake. Paul couldn't hide from him. The guy was breaking in two. It scared Jeff to see him like this. Paul was such a loose cannon at the best of times. He hoped that the baby would be enough to keep him steady over the coming months. The alternative could be nightmarish. The guilt of Paul going off the rails again, pressing that self-destruct button that Jeff had observed in him when they had first met, was not something he could bear on top of everything else.

That was the last sight of him Jeff had. Paul disappearing round the bend in the path. It was hard to imagine that it was finally over. That he would never see him again.

Jeff rang the bell to the flat above the pub. He still had the key on his chain but it was no longer his home. He had no right to enter. Sonia opened the door a little tentatively in response but rather quicker than he had expected. He wondered had Paul called ahead to warn her.

"Oh...it's you!" she said unconvincingly.

"Can I come in? Just for a few minutes?' Jeff asked.

She nodded. "It's your flat too..."

He smiled. "Not any more, love. You made that quite clear the day you and your brother threw me out..."

Sonia blushed but didn't dispute his comment, fidgeting with a damp tissue in her hands. "This is all your fault! What do you expect me to say?"

Jeff gave her a long hard appraisal and felt her squirm under his gaze. He didn't think she really believed her own words anymore than he did. "We had unprotected sex. Sonia, we're adults. I'm not taking the entire rap for that. The rest...okay...I know I did wrong. But what's between Paul is another issue and you are not part of all that. Even if you'd like to think you are. My relationship with your brother is our business."

"You betrayed him. You fucked his life up..."

"Thanks for telling me. I might not have known without your words of wisdom..." Jeff retorted sharply. He'd had enough of this blame game. He had given up his home, his lover, his life, his job, his future, everything he owned - what the hell else did she want from him?"

"I'll keep this short and to the point. I've made over my share of the business and flat to you in trust for the child. It'll set you up. I know that's scant recompense for all this but you'll need it anyway and at least it's something to give you a leg up. There's actually nothing else I can do, is there?"

He gave her a chance but Sonia didn't choose to take it. "I was going to have an abortion at first. Paul talked me out of that." Jeff wondered at her motivation in telling him. Did she really want him to hate her?

"I'm grateful for that. I've never liked the idea. Abortion, I mean. You never know what a life might achieve. We're not gods..."

Sonia bridled. "Easy for you to say when it's someone else's body..."

"I know. But I still have an opinion. Even if no right to interfere..."

She gave him that. He went on, taking the opportunity of her acquiescence to open up the conversation. "I know my motives in picking you up were pretty shabby but I liked you, Sonia. I really did. I liked you a lot. I wasn't pretending about that. We had something there. Even for such a short time..."

Sonia smiled at that; it was a sad pensive smile. "I could have fallen hard for you, Jeff Mitchell. I guess Paul and I are pretty similar? They used to say we could have been twins when we were kids even though he was older. Same taste in men, hey?" She took a step closer. "I thought you were a good guy when I met you. Then I changed my mind. Maybe first impressions were right after all... Thank you for doing this for us both. I swear I will do right by this child. I won't waste your sacrifice. The money's for the baby. I'll leave it all in Paul's hands. Thank you."

"But you don't want me near?"

Sonia shook her head. "It would never work. Specially considering you and Paul had once been an item. It's best if we cut the ties now..."

"Once been an item?' How the hell could she stand there and tell him how he and Paul had once been? Where had she been all the time they had been building a life together? What did she really know of her brother's hope and dreams?

"You gonna be alright? What will you do?" Sonia asked him suddenly, all concerned. He could see she felt guilty. 

Jeff shrugged. "Can't see it's any of your business. You've made your feelings plain. I'll be okay. Don't worry your head about me. But I'm heading out. I can't stay here. There are too many memories..."

"...but you belong here! You're one of...them..." she said the word with a hint of distaste. He wondered if she thought they were freaks now that she had found out about the secret behind the pub.

"I'm me. And I have to deal with it my way. But at least you can take comfort from one thing. I've paid, love. In a whole lot more ways than money. I've lost everything I ever cared about... He stopped a moment and noticed that Sonia had the good grace to look embarrassed. "...Just take care of Paul. He needs looking after. Don't be fooled by his hyper mood these days. That's when he's at his most fragile..."

"He's my brother. I've known him all my life. You can't tell me anything about him I don't already know..."

"If you believe that, you'll believe anything, love. We were lovers. You think you tell your little sister everything? Wake up, Sonia..."

He didn't hang about to hear her answer. Frankly he wasn't interested. He hoped that she did feel bad. Even for a little while. Running down the stairs, he raced through the pub managing to avoid saying goodbye. He'd half promised to see everyone before he left but now it was here, he couldn't face it. A quick visit to apologise to Clarity for not attending the wedding and then he called on Esme.That was the killer. They both spent the afternoon talking, crying and holding each other. She took him to the airport in her little souped-up Mini. It was a relief when the plane took off...

The next day, he took a train to Melbourne. Maybe it was some homing pigeon instinct or maybe it was just a place to make a new start. But something drove him to seek them out. They too were refugees from that other life. They had both been his friend back there individually and as a couple. He still had a family left out there somewhere.

And he felt like he had never needed them more than now.

Running a restaurant isn't a job, it's a way of life. Outside of it there is really nothing else. Or so the past six months had proved. Uma sat on a chair on her balcony one cool but sunny late autumn afternoon and sighed. She had a few hours before she was due on again between the lunchtime and the evening sessions but had a million things to do - none of which she was making any move to accomplish.

Instead she just sat there trying to gather her thoughts and make a desultory attempt at a 'To Do' list. Supermarket, dry-cleaning, ironing, clean the flat, hair cut, dentist...any chance of sex with Andy? The latter seemed the least likely. It had been ages. These days he just didn't seem interested.

It wasn't that she didn't understand. He was just so physically exhausted by the time he finished every night that he rarely did more than throw himself down to sleep. They had made a desultory effort recently but mostly had given up when it seemed so mechanical that they had both lost interest. Rub, tug...you wet yet? It's not hard enough...! Maybe tomorrow morning...?

Daydreaming, Uma thought of the past. Andy had not been able to keep his hands off her in those days. She had remembered boasting at the spa in Taos - was that really a year ago? - about how she was used to it several times a day. Ann had made some crack about preferring quality over quantity. She had laughed and replied crudely about number of orgasms and the joys of big dicks. That made her think about Ann who would no doubt be getting more than she was these days. On her honeymoon in Rome with Maximus? Was she joking? Ann was probably unable to walk these days. Lucky girl. The only thing that made her limp these days was the hours she sent on her feet in her usually unsuitable shoes. That didn't quite compare to passion with the general - as she well knew.

Andy was working too hard. It was impossible to stop him. Andy - laid back, easy going, dreamy Andy had somehow transformed into a driven workaholic. He ate, slept, dreamed the restaurant. It was his pride and joy. Uma realized sadly that she had once been that.

That was not entirely fair. She knew Andy was doing this for both of them so that one day they would have it all - money, successful career, home in the right part of town, children. When had scruffy Andy Compton, the drop out, become his father? Uma had fallen in love with a gentle, warm guy who had refused to be at the mercy of the expectations of others. His own expectations, however, had proved the highest burden of all in the end.

She felt angry with herself. I love him. He needs my support. Yet she couldn't deny she felt short-changed somehow.  For this she had given up her friends, her business, her life, her country. Was the fantasy turning sour?

Just then Andy burst in, stripping off his sweaty and stained kitchen whites, leaving them in a heap on the bedroom floor and making for the shower. Uma wandered into the bathroom after him.

"Have I got a clean white shirt? Got to see my accountant..." He breezed past her as he came out of the shower cubicle to stand at the sink for a top-up shave.

"Can I come?" Uma asked, when she really should have simply told him she was coming. It was her investment too. What was making her so reticent to push herself against him these days, meekly playing the little woman instead? He had never even told her until now. That in itself annoyed her.

"No need. Anyway, this place is a mess. Do you ever clean up?" he muttered as he drew the blade over his foamy cheek.

Uma flashed him a look. He was beginning to push her now. "I never pretended good housekeeping was on my CV..."

"Name me one thing that is..." Andy was in a bad mood and she was obviously target practice.  She knew he was probably nervous, always ill-at -ease in formal interviews. He wouldn't have been looking forward to this interview with the accountant. But nor did he have to take it out on her.

"I used to be a sex siren but there doesn't seem to be much call for it round here these days..." she shot back, knowing that it was the worst thing to say to a young man - any man - but her perverse nature guiding her as ever.

Andy stopped and fixed her a look in the bathroom mirror. "What's that supposed to mean? You accusing me of not doing right by you? It takes two to tango, love. Ever thought of making the first move? I'm bloody rooted every night. While you flounce around, flirting with men out the front, I actually do the fucking work in that kitchen...what do you want out of me...blood?"

Uma stared him out. "Have you any idea how unappealing having sex with a comatose, snoring man is? Give me a break! And I work as hard as you do. Don't you start making out that I'm just window dressing. I run this place. Without my management and people skills, you'd be just another chef..."

"Yeah? That so? Jesus Christ - you really think it's you they come for, don't you? Or is it just too difficult for you to accept you're not the centre of attention anymore?"

That comment was like a red rag to a bull. She bridled, tossing back her hair, her eyes flashing. "You just can't bear to think other men might look at me, can you? Well, sweetie, they do. And they do more than look. They come back for more. So I warn you, you'd better stop taking me for granted..."

He spun round at that threat. There were still traces of shaving foam on his face. She thought idly how handsome he was and felt sad. She wasn't sure why. "You trying to scare me? Well, I'm not scared. They'd soon get a belly full of you if they had to stay for breakfast..."

Uma opened her mouth to reply to his hurtful comment, in danger of slapping his face. That had really hit home. Once upon a time - not so very long ago- Andy had dreamed of her as the unattainable fantasy. During their early months together, he had worshipped her. When had that bubble burst?

But her reply, which would no doubt have been laced in vitriol with her deadly capacity to wound if cornered, was interrupted by the telephone. "Bugger!" she muttered under her breath. Andy took a step forward as if he was already regretting his hasty words. She waved him away tersely and stormed out angrily, crossing the room to pick up the phone. "Who is it?" she snapped.

"Home for reformed tarts?" A familiar voice, warm with humour. 

"Terry?" A smile immediately lit up her face. "Hey! Where are you?" She missed how Andy's face tightened at the mention of his name as he began dressing. This was not the best of times for her old mate to call.

"Home. Just thought about you. You two coming to the wedding of the year? No one seems sure and it won't be the same without you..."

Uma took a deep breath and closed her eyes, surprised by the prick of tears at the sound of his voice and the surge of something inside. "I don't think so, Terry. We can't simply close up the restaurant at this point..."

"Surely the old man can spare you....just for a week?"

The unexpected suggestion caused a flutter of excitement in her stomach. Images of Provence flitted across her memory from years ago. But reality quickly bit. She knew Andy would freak if she mentioned this now. Terry went on. "...if it's money... you know I can always advance you a few pennies..."

"You've done enough for us already. And it isn't money. It's just...." Her voice tailed off as she caught Andy's stormy look. He had heard enough of the one-sided conversation to glean the gist and he didn't like the thought of Terry offering her money again. She tried to block out his muttered profanity.

"...it's just the business...it really isn't a good time for us..."Once she could have told Terry anything. Frequently she had on those long late night chats they had shared after closing time over a pot of coffee. In the days when she had harboured a dream that one night he wouldn't stand up and take his leave of her. That he would have stayed and never left. It seemed strange to recall that time. Another life ago. Another man ago. Now she had to remind herself that another man's secrets were not for him to know. "How's Gaia?"

Terry chuckled softly at her change of subject. "Like you care? I smell an evasive answer when I hear one..."

"Me too." Uma  responded. He hadn't mentioned anything about Gaia either. What was that supposed to mean? Domestic bliss with Terry couldn't be easy to achieve. He was a charmer and the perfect gentleman, a tender and nurturing person in many ways, a really fine man - but he was also stubborn and independent, unused to sharing with anyone. He had always been a loner, despite his fantasies to the contrary of a settled family life. Uma didn't imagine he was adapting too easily to coupledom.

Or was that a touch of repressed sour grapes peeking through?

Andy sailed through, grabbed the car keys and ran for the door without even saying goodbye. She followed him with her eyes until the door slammed and his footsteps faded as he hit the streets.

"You still there?" Terry asked.

"Yeah....look, I have to go...No... I don't think I'll be able to make it. Thanks for asking....I'll talk to you later, hey?" She hung up, leaving Terry staring at his receiver in surprise. He pursed his lips in thought and wondered if she was alright. But then, this was Uma. Who ever knew what was going on in her head?

She ran to the window but he was already driving away. Slipping down to sit on a nearby chair, she felt her eyes fill with tears. It wasn't supposed to be like this. She loved him. He loved her. Why was it so hard to make each other happy?

Andy pulled away from the kerb with an angry swerve, still muttering to himself.  But most of it was guilt. He knew he hadn't been much fun to live with recently and that she had been fantastic throughout. Uma was not a woman known for keeping her temper or holding her tongue. Yet, she had been really understanding about the long hours and the lack of time together. She had never had a problem with the shortage of cash as they poured everything they had into the business. When he had needed it she was always bolstering up his confidence, listening to his doubts, his rock. His friend. His lover. But what of her needs? How often did he consider what she was feeling through it all? He banged the steering wheel in temper at himself and his treatment of her. It was all for her in the end. Everything was for her. He just wanted to give her the life a woman like Uma should have.

But the way he was heading, he would lose her. 

The meeting went okay. The quarterly figures were showing some positive signs and his accountant was generally pleased with what he saw. He thought they had overspent on the décor but they agreed to disagree on that one. Uma had designed a restaurant that was so much more elegant and impressive than he had envisaged and the clientele they were attracting reflected the extra investment. They were pulling in an upwardly mobile set who were prepared and able to spend large amounts on dining and drinking. It would not be difficult to recoup the refurbishing over-spend in the circumstance; in fact in the long run it was a very worthwhile investment. No matter how good the food was, the punters wanted an atmosphere that suited their lifestyle. And a woman like Uma at the helm skilfully charming the diners and ensuring that everything ran smoothly for them. She was also, after years managing a pub, equally efficient at dealing with troublemakers. The perfect partner. Worth her wait in gold.

Coming out moderately pleased with himself and mightily relieved to get the meeting over and done with, Andy sat awhile in the car and planned a little treat for the evening. He could take a night off for once. Everything was arranged in the kitchen for the evening session and if he just called in and gave them a pep talk it would be a useful experiment to see how they coped without his presence.

There was a well-established restaurant a few streets away whose stake of the market they were beginning to encroach on. He had wanted a look at it. Tonight he would take Uma there and they would have a rare chance to sit and be waited on and then...then he would take her home and make love to her all night. Tell her he was sorry. Show her how much he loved her. He felt his cock stir at the thought of it. Man, he was horny.

The decision acted like an immediate antidote to the sour mood he had been in earlier. He drove a little faster than he ought to just at the thought of being back home with her, of how her face would light up when he proposed the evening out to her, and the chance to win back her favour after his immature and hurtful comments of earlier in the day.

Zooming into a parking space outside his place, he could hardly contain his excitement. And then he saw him. Jeff Mitchell. Standing looking up at the restaurant. Uma forgotten, Andy leapt out of the car. "Mitchell? What the fuck you doing here?"

Jeff spun round. "Andy? Christ! S'good to see you, mate...!"

He put out his hand; Andy grabbed him and pulled him in for a hug. They had always been close, possibly more like real brothers than any of the others. It wasn't surprising that they had so much in common - they were of similar age, background and era, both regular Aussie boys missing home. They were back home now. "I heard. Mate, I am so sorry..." Andy muttered.

Jeff rolled his eyes. "Bad news travels fastest, hey? I suppose the 'net was buzzing with mails..."

"You can't expect people not to talk. And they were all so upset. Uma's been trying to contact you ever since she heard..."

"I've not been opening mails. And I cancelled my phone...look, I just didn't want to keep on hearing how much everyone felt sorry for me. Even if they wanted to help...I know it was out of genuine concern, but..."

"I guess it takes time, huh? But you're here now. That must mean something.... you gonna stay with us? We've got a spare room and we'd really like you to..." Andy held out his hands before indicating the entrance to the apartment.

"I wouldn't like to be any trouble...."

"You joking? Uma would have my balls if I let you go anywhere else. Jeff... you're a mate. We want to be there for you. You've been there for me in the past. You can't expect to get back on your feet without the support of other people.  If Uma threw me out...what can I say? I'd be in pieces. And you'd be the first to step up for me...come on...let's go and have a beer somewhere. Have a talk. Then I'll take you home. And you can let Uma clasp you to her bosom....I doubt you'll find your way out before spring..." he grinned, picked up Jeff's bag, slung it into the trunk of his car and the two of them headed off down the road to Andy's local.

They talked with rather more honesty that most women expect of men; Jeff as a gay man was probably more open to discussing emotional issues than the average bloke and Andy had always had a rather curious simplicity about such matters as if he didn't have the normal male barriers. He listened, never made any judgemental comments or even offered much by way of an opinion. But he asked questions, gently prompting and let Jeff talk. And he did. For a long time. It was cathartic stuff.

"Be honest...I fucked up. You can tell me what a loser I am..."

Andy swirled the dregs of his beer around and laughed wryly to himself. "Jeff...we all fuck up. All the time. Every day. If we all got called on it then none of us would ever make it..."

"What about you and Uma? You made it. Against the odds..."

"Made it? Mate, we're making it...it's never finished. We're together today...but who knows? It's bloody hard work. You want me to be honest? Uma and I are at each other's throats. We haven't had sex in weeks...I love her more than my life and yet I'm making a fucking mess of it these days. If I was her, I'd have moved out long ago. Or thrown me out..."

He sat back while Jeff digested that piece of information. "Christ...!" he muttered.

"Well, now you know. So, I'm not about to blame you for anything. You made a mistake but the punishment doesn't fit the crime. Paul's wrong. I think he probably already knows that. My advice would be to go back and...you know? Fight. You two should be together..."

"Why are you and Uma not getting on? Why didn't you get married? Everyone thought you would. Quietly. They were laying odds she'd be pregnant by now..."

Andy grinned. "Yeah? Shows you how much they know then. It's nothing to do with that. I doubt we'll ever marry. Neither of us wants it. Kids? One day, I suppose. Not now. We're not ready. There's no room for things like that with a business like ours..."

Jeff pursed his lips in thought. "Then maybe that's where the problem lies...she's older than you. I know Uma. She's not as tough as she acts. She's quite capable of putting you and your needs before her own. Ever asked her what she actually wants from life? If you did, she'd probably say to make you happy. But that can be a problem in itself..."

"I think I know her better than you..."

"I should bloody hope so. But it doesn't mean she tells you everything. And it doesn't mean other people can't see what you might not. If there's anything I can do, mate...?"

That made Andy laugh, check his watch, grimace and down the end of the glass. "We'd better get off...Jeff...let's concentrate on you first, hey? I only told you about me and her to make you see that we're all just an argument away from break up. Stop beating yourself up about it. And don't bloody well let her know I said anything. She sure as shit wouldn't rat on me to you. No interfering, hey? It's nothing a night of passion won't put right. I think..." Andy added as they hit the street and walked back up to the restaurant. "Come on...let's get you settled upstairs and then I'll leave you for a while to check on the kitchen. Christ knows what they're up to. I'll send Uma up when it's quiet...."

It was already seven thirty and the place was heaving. Where had they all come from on a mid week night without reservations? And Andy had taken it into his head tonight to go AWOL. The kitchen was coping but they were nervous without his steady hand; there had already been a few tantrums and near-fights. Between pacifying irate customers who had been waiting too long, helping out on the bar and running back and forth smoothing fevered brows sweating over the stoves, she was already almost dead on her feet.

Oh, but she had forgotten! Hers was the easy job, the cushy number. Or so Andy had informed her before he took off and decided to play hookey for an afternoon. She supposed he thought he was teaching her a lesson. Well, thanks a lot, mate, I really appreciate being treated like a...

The door opened and in walked Andy, still dressed in his business suit but with his tie loosened and a few buttons of his shirt undone. Uma recognised from the gleam in his eye and the looseness of his walk that he had been drinking. Okay, he wasn't pissed or anything, but he wasn't much of a drinker and could never hide it when he'd had a few.

"Where the fuck have you been? It's bloody chaos in here and they're at each other's throats in the kitchen..."

Andy ran a hand back through his already unruly hair. "I can explain..."

"Yeah. Right. Save it, will you? I'm too busy to listen to your lame excuses..." she snapped and whirled right past him to go and seat another group. Andy opened his mouth to say something - but it wasn't the time or the place for that. Not to mention if he told her about Jeff, she would be up the stairs like a shot and they simply couldn't afford to be without her on a night like this. He sighed and turned towards the kitchens.

"She giving you grief again? Here ya go, boss...get this down your neck, love..." Andy looked up to find Leanne, the nubile blonde cocktail waitress, holding out a glass of Scotch on ice. He took it from her and downed it. "What you done now?"

He shrugged.  He wasn't about to talk to the barmaid about his private life.  She was an empty headed little tart on the make. Uma couldn't stand her. He didn't much go for her type himself. She was self-absorbed, shallow and a bitch. A couple of years back she wouldn't have given a bloke like him the time of day. But he owned a restaurant now and that suddenly gave him a whole new clout where certain women were concerned. "There're people waiting for drinks, love. Thanks for the Scotch..."

Uma brushed past him her face set and looking rather a long way from being amused. She had seen the interchange with Leanne and seemed to have put her own slant on it. "Uma..." he muttered, reaching out and taking her hand.

She shook him away. "We've got work to do..."

...The evening passed quickly as time always does when you haven't got a moment to think much less take a break. As the rush eased off and the diners dallied over their coffee and liqueurs, Andy came out of the kitchen now dressed just in his pants and a singlet with his chef white jacket open; it was hot in there. Uma glanced over and thought how beautiful he was, raw and unpolished maybe, but still so fine. He caught her eyes and inclined his head to draw her over; she walked over to where he was. Lianne was watching them as she polished glasses. Uma knew the little slapper would have been on him like greased lightening if he so much as gave her the least encouragement. And why wouldn't he? Easy sex from an easy lay. Isn't that what young men really wanted?

"Hey...you ready to listen to me now?" Andy asked softly.

Uma cocked her head to one side. She had been unfair. Maybe the meeting had gone wrong. Good God, a man can go for a beer from time to time without having to ask for permission! He worked hard enough every other day of the week. "I'm listening..."

"Jeff's here. Upstairs. I took him down the pisser...he needed to talk..."

Uma's face paled. "Oh....Andy...! Why didn't you say...?"

"You wouldn't let me. Go on up. I'll sling on my shirt and go shake a few hands. You've done enough down here tonight...and...thanks for covering. You did a great job. You always do a great job..."

He touched her face, running his fingers down her cheek softly.

"How is he? What did he say?"

"Go and talk to him. He just needs to get it all out...I'll be up later..."

"...And it is your baby? Are you sure about that, Jeff?" Uma asked tentatively after she had listened to all he had to say. She had greeted him with a whoop, thrown herself into his arms and he had swung her round and round until they had fallen laughing onto the couch.

Where they were still curled up over a bottle of Scotch and a bowl of nachos, Jeff lying back, his arms flung above his head and Uma leaning on him.

"Yeah. It's mine. Don't get the wrong idea about Sonia. She's no tart. There wasn't anyone else."

"You sure?"

"Uma...I'm sure. But that actually isn't really the point. I'm not trying to look to wriggle out of this on a technicality. What I did was wrong. And I did it. I had sex with another partner when I was in a serious relationship with someone else. That alone is bad enough. The fact she was my lover's sister and I got her pregnant only adds a bit of extra padding to the real mess..."

"Anyone can make a mistake, Jeff!" Uma knelt up and lit a cigarette taking a drag and handing it to Jeff. He drew deep on it, closing his eyes and letting the smoke out in a slow plume.

"Okay. Try this for size. You are annoyed with Andy about something. Maybe you think he's interested in some other woman? One night you get talking to one of his brothers...Terry, maybe? Next thing you know you're having wild sex. Next morning you creep out of his apartment and try and pretend nothing happened. A month later, you miss your period...Andy finds out. Now you tell me what happens next..."

"Why did you say Terry? Why does everyone automatically assume that I would..."

Jeff put his finger to her lips. "I said it because it's the worst possible scenario. Not because I think you would do it. Calm down. Think about what I said. What would Andy do if faced with that scenario? Say, never mind, anyone can make a mistake? Fuck me, Uma, but there's no man alive who would take that lying down. Woman either...What would Andy do...?"

She gave it some thought and held up her hands. "He'd leave me. Or I'd leave him. I couldn't live with guilt like that..."

Jeff gave her a look that said it all. She groaned.

"I never thought of it like that. You're my friend. I suppose I always stick up for you. But you're right. If I heard a story like that, I'd probably say the guy deserved it. I've been really unfair to Paul. I never trusted him, you know? I always believed he would break your heart one day - and I told him so. Regularly. I was pretty nasty to him from time to time...but he was always fair with me. He told me he didn't blame me and that he probably deserved his bad rep. But that he loved you and would never hurt you. When this happened it was just easier for me to blame Paul..."

"Paul really respects you...I didn't know you'd given him a hard time..."

Uma rolled her eyes. "I give everyone a hard time, love. You should see what I put Andy through..."

Jeff sat up, suddenly interested. "Yeah? How do ya mean?"

She buried her face in her hands. "I'm so selfish. He's working round the clock for us, until he nearly makes himself ill. But I'm never satisfied. I complain because he never takes me out, that we never get to spend time alone, that he's too tired to...well, you know..." She blushed. Jeff waggled his eyebrows.

"So your stud muffin has a limp dick these days, hey?" Jeff teased.

"Jeff! Don't let him know I said that! He's just so tired when he comes to bed..."

"There's always the mornings...or why not jump him over the chopping board...who says it has to be in bed?"

Uma giggled. "Yeah, right... with an audience...? That really would do us both a lot of good. There's nothing wrong with him. It isn't erectile dysfunction...it's sleep deprivation. For both of us. We just need time and I'm not giving it to him..."

"Wonder if he'd agree...bet you he's thinking it's all his fault for not being a man for you...."

"It's not what he said today when we were arguing..."

"That's why it's called an argument. You throw insults at each other. Most of them are totally irrational but based on some fact to make them hurt more. I don't think it will be what he's really thinking. A man feels ashamed if he can't get it up. Especially when he loves someone as much as my mate Andy loves you. So I'm sure that just makes him more bad tempered and that you get the brunt of that..."

Uma pushed Jeff back and straddled him, flinging her arms round his neck. "You're the one with the broken heart! This is not about me. So typical of you even now to be reaching out and helping others. Jeff, we'll be fine. It's you I'm concerned about..."

He hunched his shoulders but pulled her close for a hug. They stayed like that for a while until Jeff murmured. "Uma...could you not sit on my groin? Unlike your old man, I have no problems in that department..."

She burst into laughter and wriggled away, not before giving him a playful squeeze. "Don't tempt me...I am so horny..."

"Me too..." Jeff complained. "...but when it comes to it...I back off. Don't want anyone but Paul..." he added softly.

She knelt on the ground by the seat and cuddled him to her. "Back in the day, we used to give each other a bit of comfort from time to time. Remember?"

Jeff nodded. "Yeah, seeing as I was the only bloke you knew who actively might get off on hearing you talk endlessly about how great Maximus was in bed...."

"I didn't do that, did I?" She gasped.

"Yeah, you did. You were inconsolable when he walked. And it had been so long for me that the blood rush pounding in my ears prevented me from hearing you whinge like a Pom..." he said with a cheeky grin.

"But that was then, hey? When we were young and foolish and unattached...Jeff, I can't accept that you shouldn't be allowed access...if you went through the courts... they'd have to agree. You're paying voluntary maintenance via the share in the pub you've signed over...and have provided a domicile for her and the baby...on paper you have more than shown your commitment - and they have acknowledged your paternity by accepting all that..."

"No. No courts. I don't want to fight with them. This is what I've done to make amends. Beyond that, it's up to the two of them. Maybe when the little one comes they'll relent...maybe...who knows...?" But he didn't seem very convinced of that.

The door opened and Andy strolled up, his jacket, shirt, tie and whites in his hand; throwing them in a pile on a chair as he came in just in his trousers and singlet. "We took a lot of money tonight...but I'm rooted...! You two still up? Or did I disturb you in an intimate moment?" Andy grinned.

Uma rolled round to look at him. "Go and take a shower and I'll do you both..."

"...Think I'll pass, love," Jeff smiled. "That train journey is a killer...I'll hit the sack and leave you two some privacy...see you in the morning and...thanks. I didn't really have anywhere else to go, actually. Feel brighter already. I'm going to get through this and make a fresh start, I promise. But you were right, Andy. I can't do it alone. Everyone needs their mates at a time like this..."

He stood a little shyly after that speech and took his leave. Uma kissed him goodnight and stroked his hair back like a little boy. "Sweet dreams, Jeff. See you in the morning..."

They watched him go and then turned to look at each other. "I better grab that shower...I stink..." Andy whispered but Uma caught his hand and jerked him towards her.

"Kiss me...I love you sweaty...I love you any way....every way..." she murmured as he sank his lips softly on hers, sucking gently on her upper lip, smiling at the tiny sigh that escaped as he made the kiss deeper and more passionate. He wondered how many people would recognise the brittle and fiery Uma in moments like this. It was all a façade. Inside, she was a hopeless romantic, gentle and loving, a little lost and scared of the world. It gave him a thrill of pride to know that he had found her true self, or at least enabled her to reveal it. He didn't need a reason to love her but she gave him more of those every day just in how she entrusted her life to him.

This time he wasn't going to throw her gift back in her face.

He let her go and she smiled dreamily up at him, her fingers interlaced with his. "Give me five..." he whispered.

She watched his reflection through the steamy glass of the shower cubicle as he washed. Just the silhouette of his strong muscular lean body made her own loosen. Her eyes traced the curve that swept along his back to the sweet swell of his buttocks. He was so beautiful, even more so with water streaming off his body, his face turned up to the jets, eyes closed. As she watched, his hands lathered his body with soap in that careless way men had that was so attractive to women. There is something about the way men touch themselves, that knowledge of their own flesh which is both casual and yet tender in its own rougher way, that she had always loved to observe. Andy soaped his genitals, giving them that studied look that men always do. They love to watch and love the look of their own cock. She noticed he was half-aroused already. Was that just his own touch or was he thinking of her, she wondered?

Turning to the mirror, she checked out her own reflection. She looked okay, nothing special, in a smart dress from the evening in the restaurant, hair still half up and down, feet bare after kicking off her shoes to sprawl on the couch with Jeff. On a whim, she pulled out her hair, shook it round her shoulders and dropped the dress, peeling off her scanty underwear. A shower. Seemed like a good idea...

Andy turned and smiled softly as she slipped in by him, stepping back to give her access to the water, his hand immediately on her waist to tease her closer and make contact with his half-erect penis. How like a boy to want sensation immediately! He poured gel on the palms of his hand and began to wash her gently, different from how he touched himself, massaging, caressing, tilting his head to one side, watching his own hands and her body intently. His own arousal heightened, flopping heavily against her lower belly. Neither of them spoke.

Uma wrapped her arms around his neck; he pulled her closer, his right hand, foamy with soap, sliding between her thighs- and his fingers explored as they cleansed. Her sex quivered against the sensual massage and she dropped a hand to encircle him, needing sexual touch, to feel his hardness and give him pleasure as he gave to her. They stood close, the water running off them, her head buried against his chest as their hands did the intimate work. It did not take long. Both were so needful of each other that the little stimulation merely filled in what their minds had been contemplating for so long.

He heard her gasp as his fluttering play on her clitoris brought her to her first orgasm and didn't wait. With that strength of a young man, he simply picked her up and balanced her against the tiled wall as her legs wrapped round him and her hands eagerly fed his length inside her. Then he rocked gently back and forth as she rose and fell on him. They kissed. It felt heavenly; warm water, deep thrusting, arms encircling, lips locked. In a few grunts and gasps it was over and he held her there still, each clasping at the other. "I love you..." she whispered.

"I know. Are we fools that we forget?" he murmured back.

She smiled, licked at his ear, smoothed water from his face. "Just human. As long as we remember eventually..."

Later, dried and smelling of shower gel and shampoo, they lay naked beneath the sheets, neither wanting to sleep, more sex likely, but first wishing to talk. They spoke of Jeff. He told of his business meeting. She mentioned the wedding.

"You should go. It would be so great to see them. One of us should be there. We can afford one flight. And maybe you can talk to Paul? Make him see sense?" Andy suggested.

Uma sighed. "Would you, if I'd done something like that to you? Not sure I would find it easy to forgive..."

"I know. I think about that a lot. But this is Jeff. He's a good guy. The rest of us are pretty hopeless..."

"It's so shitty. All Jeff was bothered about was us. He realised we weren't getting on. He was worried about us..."

"He's like that. A good mate. We've got to help him..."

"I agree. I'll book a ticket. Go to the wedding. Have a long talk with Paul. You take care of Jeff..."

"...Do you want a baby...?" Andy suddenly asked her. She scrabbled up to a sit at that.

"What? Why would I want a baby? Or is that what's bugging you? If you want one, then..."

"No....well, one day, maybe...but no, it isn't me. Jeff just wondered if maybe you were broody...or maybe he is, huh? He pointed out that...there's  no easy way of saying this so I  will juts spit it out...that you're older than me and you haven't limitless time. Am I holding you back? Is this restaurant and all the work we've taken on going to mean you have to put your life on hold..."

"...No...no, Andy...! It's you who is my life. This restaurant is our business. We built it together. One day when we're both ready we will make a baby together. But I'm not ready yet either. We're not ready yet as a couple. There's too much for us to do and learn first. Okay, I haven't got forever, I know that - but I still have a couple of years left in the tank..." she laughed. He pulled her to him.

"You've got years and years. I never think of you as older than me...I never see you like that..."

"...Not even when you compare me to a young thing like Leanne? She fancies you, you know? She thinks she can break us up..."

"She can't. I'm not interested. She isn't even in the race, love. Why would I ever turn my head for any woman when I have you?"

Uma shrugged. "She's pretty. She's young. She's easy. She's uncomplicated. She adores you. You'd be the big man with a girl like her..."

Andy chucked her chin. "I'd still be washing glasses in a pub somewhere if it wasn't for you...everything I am is because of you...and I happen to like complicated. I don't want to be the big man. I want to be loved. By you. It's all I ever dreamed of. It's all I'll ever want. This business...I know it takes up my energies but it's you who drives my ambition. I have to give it all to you. I just have to. It's all I think about..."

"I know. And I also know it's no use me telling you that none of that means anything to me. Because that wouldn't be true either. I love that you want to give me a good life -even if I'd accept any life with you. But realistically, we need money. I'm not a low maintenance woman, even on a budget. In real life you can't just sweep things like that under the carpet as if they don't matter. But just one word of warning...life is now, Andy. Not the future. We never know what is waiting out there for us. I would hate not to take advantage of what we have now and then find we lost it before we really enjoyed what we had. Does that make sense?"

He rolled her over and nestled above, his legs finding their natural resting place between hers, unconsciously rubbing himself against her sex as he kissed her. Pulling away, he brushed aside her still damp locks, stealing little kisses as she stretched and purred in his arms. "I promise to ease back where I can. We need time for each other. We need time to talk like this. I know that...By the way...what did he want?"

She knew 'he' was Terry. An uneasy alliance existed between the two men which was still suspect on Andy's part. He could not quite believe there wasn't an agenda in Thorne's interest in Uma. Or vice versa. In his way he was right. There was attraction between them, even if unconsummated and non- threatening. There always was when men and women were friends. It probably explained the irrational tension that always existed between Gaia and Uma, too. Neither realistically endangered the other's position and yet they would never stop stalking and baiting the other. She decided not to pretend with him. He would read right through her if she tried to put him off with a platitude.

"He wanted to know if we were coming to the wedding. He offered to lend us the money. I refused to take anything and told him we couldn't leave the restaurant."

Andy made a grunting noise in his throat and thought about that for a moment. "Why should he care if we're there or not?"

"Don't be an arse, Andy. He's a friend. Business partner, too. And he would like to see us again..."

"You. Not me."

"Us...but me more than you, I agree.  I don't treat him like a prowler..."

Andy gave a wry grin. "I still don't think it's normal for a bloke of his age to be having friends with girls..."

"...Women. I'm a woman, Andy, and I don't much care what you think is normal. You know you haven't anything to fear. This is just a tantrum that you throw every time Terry Thorne is near. It's some sort of alpha male mating ritual and it's actually okay by me. But I am not indulging it. You got that?"

That won her a smirk; he ran his hands under her arms and tickled her until she wriggled and squealed. "Like you and Gaia? That some sort of female preening thing going on?"

"She's just a silly cow...that is entirely different...!" Uma added, pulling her tongue out. "I can't like everyone..."

"You are such a fraud..."

"I'm a girl. It's my job to be irrational..."

"Woman...you're a woman or so you just said...."

At that she picked up a pillow and began hitting him over the head as he wrestled if away from her; they were soon lost in enjoyment of each other, their behaviour more than dispelling any fears either might have had about the fidelity of the other. It was enthusiastic, joyful sex, both laughing and playing like two children even as they loved as a man and a woman. It made their hearts sing to be back in that place that had been slipping away from them recently. Had Jeff been a catalyst or would they have easily re-found their ground if left alone? Probably a bit of both in truth. The secret to their survival would always be quite simple.

They wanted it to work because they knew what they had was real love. In the end, that was the key to it all.

In a room just feet away, Jeff lay in the dark smoking a cigarette, unable not to hear the sounds of pleasure from next door. He didn't want to be listening in but it was impossible not to, given the noise they were making, Andy's giggling, Uma's screaming punctuated by moans and groans and the bed head drumming on the wall. It made him happy to hear them; Andy's initial confessions and Uma's fears had worried him. He had to know that some of them were going to make it. That seemed to him the most important thing of all. Yet he couldn't help but remember when his life had been like that, full of laughter, love, sex and playful togetherness. He wasn't sure he would ever find it all again in quite the same way. It had been difficult enough to track down in the first place.

Was there just one person in the world meant for you? He thought it unlikely in the grander scheme of things. The experiences of his friends told him that you did move on and make new bonds in time. But he wouldn't find another Paul. There couldn't be another like him on this planet. He didn't want to find another Paul either. Whoever he took up with in the future when he was ready for all that again would never be a weak imitation of the man he loved. That would never work. It was hard to see how someone else could complement him quite as well as Paul had done.

Paul was everything he wasn't. He was darkly handsome and a cool dresser, smooth and slick, quick and witty; he was openly gay and yet relentlessly male. That's what had attracted him to the beautiful brown eyed party animal he had first met. But even if all those things were true about Paul, that wasn't why he had loved him. All those facets were merely what turned him on and made him desire sex with him. Jeff knew that real love between them had developed slower and had happened when he had begun to discover the man Paul was inside, the person he had been hiding for so long. The life Paul had been living when they met would have destroyed the real Paul O'Gallagher, so somewhere along the line he had buried him deep and tried to ignore his need to be heard. Somehow Paul had seen in Jeff the man who could allow him to be himself and still be true to his orientation. It was a singularly powerful moment when Paul had opened up and entrusted him with his secrets.

And out of that wild hedonist had come the sweetest man imaginable, his friend, his lover, his soul mate. Few people really understood Paul's gentle heart and his desperate need for a place to call home, for people to respect him - and for a family. The pub had given him all those things and a new start. Jeff still felt proud of what they had achieved together. He couldn't ever blame Paul for rejecting him in the end. It was easy to make a case for forgiving him but you had to understand how many times Paul had been let down and hurt - and  when he found that the one man he had truly loved thought him capable of betrayal and proved himself capable of that it had done irreparable damage to their love. Jeff had known it instantly. He knew Paul too well not to see what a blow the truth would be to him. And that his sister was the victim of it all, the one member of his own family who had stuck by him in the past! It had been a triple whammy. Three strikes and you're out, Mitchell.

And you only have yourself to blame.

Jeff drew deep and remembered, those painful flashbacks that both destroyed and sustained him. It had been so good. So very good. Why had he taken it for granted when it had been there, in the palm of his hands? Why had he not wrapped it up in cotton wool to keep it safe?

He imagined his child growing up calling Paul Dad and running after his 'father'. Paul would be an amazing dad, unconventional but loving, hands on and a worrier who would do everything for his kid. My kid. At least I can move on but Paul has to look at that little child every day of his life and remember me. Would he be dark like Sonia and Paul? Probably. That Italian colouring was pretty dominant. Would his eyes be velvet brown - or maybe hazel? A little bit like me? Would he be taller than Paul, broader built, stocky like his biological father or slim and lean like Sonia and his adoptive dad? It would always be a question that haunted him. Jeff knew he would never know. Even if his friends offered photographs, he had decided that he didn't want to see. Why torment himself even more than he had to? From now on, he had to act like the child did not exist. Like Paul did not exist. Like that whole world he had been part of had vanished - or better still, had never been there at all. He was Jeff Mitchell, a gay plumber from Sydney and that was that. It was all he would ever be. Better get used to that - and fast.

Stubbing out the end of the cigarette on the ashtray, he set it on the bedside table and tried to sleep, his head rested on his arms. The soft breathy sighs of a woman deep in orgasm drifted into his consciousness as he closed his eyes and tried to replace one fantasy with another. But all it did was remind him of loving a woman and his ill-fated night with Sonia O'Gallagher. The low helpless groans of a man ejaculating cut through his brain. Loneliness is the cruellest punishment of all.