I value friendship. It is very important to me. Sometimes over the past few months I believe it has been all that kept me sane. It certainly kept me going to the pub. In many ways it would have been easier to hide away and change my watering hole after the cock up I'd made of my private life but there was the bond of friendship that kept bringing me back. The women - and men- were my friends and I didn't want to lose them just because of a failed relationship and a few ill-advised one night stands. So I stayed around - and I was glad of it.

So many people were so good to me. Scarlet was trying her best to make me see sense. Marie and Clarity too. They thought I should go and talk to Lachlan. They were sure he was pining for me. He was no longer with Sheila - that had been a short lived affair that seemed to have been more of a rebound thing than anything else. I couldn't really argue with them. They didn't know the whole story. I couldn't tell them that Lachlan had walked out on me when he caught me in the middle of a very graphic sex act with Zack Grant. I mean - what would they have thought of me? Of Zack? I couldn't chance that it might get to Carol's ears either, although I suspect she knows. She's fine with me but Zack keep his distance, avoids my eyes, turns away when I am around. I hate that even if I don't blame him.

There were even some attempts by the men to show me that they sympathized. Not that they ever said as much. Terry was always so friendly and welcoming, making me join them, including me in things, in that effortlessly charming way he has. Bud would come over and chat when I was alone, buy me a drink and pretend to be interested in my day at the office. He doesn't really know what to say but he is always letting you know he's there for you. I love him for that.

Then there was the bar staff and Jeff- they are just such a good crowd that you can plop yourself down at the bar all night and not feel awkward. Jeff's so easy to talk to and Paul is hilarious - and they both like women. Andy is so sweet and friendly, open and curious. And occasionally he takes his eyes off Uma and joins the rest of the world! Heather and Dino are great hosts too and you could spend all night with the Burrito with plenty of sexy talk but absolutely uncompromised in any way.

John Biebe is another man like that. He is sexy in his own laid back way but you never feel he is sizing you up. John is in love with Clarity and it is a simple as that. But he likes women - he likes men too. I mean in the sense that he's a real man's man. But he cares and shows it. I knew he wanted Lachlan and me to be happy. I saw him talking to Lachlan several times. John's such a nice guy. Clarity is such a sweet woman too.

I just didn't realize that in the end they would take it into their heads to go a few steps further than a kind word or a helping hand.

It was at Cort's birthday party - a pretty wild night I have to admit - that Clarity got talking to me again about Lachlan. She was worried about him. I was worried about him. I had observed how much he was drinking these days. He's been carried home a few times and it isn't like him. He isn't much of a drinker usually. He likes a pint with the best of them but he is very much a moderate drinker. In his job he has to be. Even a slight amount of alcohol in his system could lose him his career - not to mention the potential danger in such a responsible position. Lachlan would never risk the lives of others. Did I cause him ever to do that?

Clarity said she'd like to talk properly with me and arranged a lunch date on the following Monday. True enough, it was always hard to have a private conversation in the pub with people milling about and something always going on. I accepted but rather hoped she wouldn't try to prise too many details out of me about what went wrong and my recent behaviour. Clarity would be pretty shocked if she found put what a slut I was.

As I dashed to the restaurant on the Monday lunchtime, I realised that it was Valentine's Day today. A couple of girls at work had got bouquets of flowers from boyfriends or were showing off expensive jewellery or soppy cards. It was just a further reminder that I was a loser in the game of love. All those men and not even one who cared enough to send me even a lousy card?

The restaurant I was heading for was a rather chic French one. I had never been there, needless to say, and thought it a rather bijou choice for a girls' lunch. It  seemed more the sort of place lovers went. And I could imagine it was a pretty pricey little place, too. But the food was probably authentic and I reckoned I deserved a treat. No one else was going to wine and dine me today.

I ran in, already late, and caught my reflection in the mirror. I looked wind swept, my cheeks were red. It didn't matter. Clarity wouldn't care. So I took off my coat, smoothed down my hair as best as I could and asked the maitre d' for the table. He asked my name twice, made a show of tutting and sighing, very Gallic, and then showed me to a small intimate corner nook.

But it wasn't Clarity sitting there waiting for me. Lachlan was there perusing the menu, his head down and lost in the intricacies of the food on offer.

"What are you doing here...?" I gasped.

His head shot up and I noticed his skin colour rise. 

"...I was meeting Clarity....she asked me to lunch..." I went on, trying to explain.

He cleared his throat and stood up. He took my breath away. He just looked so good. He also looked so forlorn. "John asked me to meet some of the guys here for lunch... thought it was a pretty odd choice for a few blokes to have a pie and a pint..."

"I'm sorry...I suppose they were just trying to help. They don't know, you see. You can't blame them. They think everyone is like they are..."

Lachlan nodded. "I should have seen it coming. He's been on at me to..." his voice trailed away. He appeared embarrassed.

I blushed an even deeper red. "I'll....be getting back then. I'm sorry about this..."

I turned to go wanting more than anything in the world to find a loo somewhere, lock the door and bawl my eyes out. It felt like a cruel trick, even if it had been well meant. To imagine what this lunch could have been like, with the man I loved on this day of all days.

Instead I was slinking away like an unwanted dog.

"No...don't go!" His voice startled me. I turned back. He was running his right hand through his thick hair in that mannerism he has when he is a little ill at ease. "Might as well have lunch. Now you're here. I don't really want to eat alone. Sit down. No reason we can't be civilized, Cass..."

"I only have an hour for lunch..." I muttered.

"Then we eat quickly..." he smiled that grin of his. How could I tell him that it was unbearable to be this close to him? How could I explain that all he did was remind me of the stupid failure I had made and how I had thrown away something so fine and good as him?

But wild horses couldn't have dragged me from his side once he gave me leave to stay. And so I nodded and sat down, fumbling with my bag and unsure where to put my eyes. I knew where I wanted them to be. Lost in contemplation of his face. Dreaming about what I knew he could be like for a woman if she gave him a chance.

We ordered. He poured me a glass of wine. I asked him about his job. He inquired after mine. It was all very sensible and mature. It was also completely false and incredibly frustrating. The air was thick with unasked questions and unspoken thoughts. My head was filled with images of this man. Holding me in the dance. Laughing with me. Rolling around on a bed. Chasing me into the water on a sunkissed beach. Hand in hand under the moonlight. Kissing me tenderly. Rising naked above me as he made love to me.

"How's the fish?" His voice broke into my reverie.

"Very nice, thank you." I hadn't tasted a bite really. Everything was like sawdust in my mouth. I drank another gulp of wine too hastily.

The conversation stalled. I looked at my watch. "Time for dessert?" he asked.

"Not really," I replied dabbing at my mouth. I was beginning to feel faint. My skin was clammy. My stomach was in knots where I had been clenching it all through the meal. I had griping pains. It was just so uncomfortable.

"I'll get the bill..." he called to a waiter.

"No....we ought to go halves..." I reasoned.

He smiled, a little sadly. "When I take a girl out, I pick up the bill..."

"You didn't take me out. You got landed with me. And you were gentleman enough to do the decent thing and go on with the sham. But you don't have to pay for me. What's the damage?"

"You think that's why I asked you to stay? Because I'm a decent bloke?" he smiled and handed his card to the waiter on the silver platter. Then he looked straight at me, his eyes boring right through me. I swallowed hard under the intensity of his gaze. "If you must know that isn't why I did it. I just wanted you to stay awhile. I've missed you so much. Just looking at you was all I wanted. Without you wriggling away like you usually do these days..."

My hands flew to my face and I somehow stifled the sob as I recognised how much I had hurt this man. The man I should have loved. I jumped up, mumbled an excuse and belted for the ladies. I threw up. Then slithered down the wall and cried my eyes out. It's a long time since I've been able to cry. It was as though there was a tight ball of grief that was wound up inside me and just a word from him had unraveled it all.

I don't know how long I stayed there. Eventually I dragged myself up and washed my face. My handbag was still at the table so there was no way I could do a better repair job than that. I looked awful. Eyes swollen, nose running, mascara smeared, pinch- faced. Anyone who saw me would know what I had been doing. I felt into the pocket of my jacket and rang the office with an excuse. I said I had had a minor accident at lunchtime and was at the hospital. There was no way I was going back and facing the girls this afternoon.

I heard a light but firm knock at the door. Then it swung back and Lachlan walked in. I averted my eyes. "You okay?"

I nodded. "I don't feel well. I think I need to go home. I'm sorry."

"Let me drive you?"

"No. I can manage. Just go, Lachlan....please....go...." I couldn't stop myself. The tears poured out again. He hesitated, ran his hand through his hair and then moved. I was in his arms, my face buried against his shoulder, his strong arms around me, the familiar scent of his cologne in my senses and his deep voice whispering softly.

"Now, now, shush, shush, I've got you. Don't cry, sweetheart. Don't cry over me. I'm not worth it...."

The door opened and a woman walked in. "Do you mind...?" she asked. Lachlan pulled away and apologized. He turned to leave but then he grabbed my hand and dragged me with him. Outside in the corridor, he stood with his hands in his pockets while a waitress brought me my coat and bag.

"Can we go somewhere?" he asked.

"Go somewhere?" My heart sank. He wanted to take me to bed? Was that all I meant to him?

"I mean for a walk. Calm you down a bit. I can't send you back to work like this." He paused and then took my hand. "We need to talk, Cassie. I'm going insane without you. I think you're on the edge too. We've got to sort things out....please talk to me...please, don't walk away...!"

I nodded. He led me outside. The rain had stopped but it was still blustery. He took my hand and we strolled down to the river and sat on a bench.

"I slept with Sheila because SID raped her and she was upset. She told me some stuff about herself and I promised I would keep it a secret. I just fell asleep. So did she. We never had sex. Not then. Later on we did. After...."

I sighed. "I should have believed what you said. I knew in my heart you weren't a liar...I don't know why I behaved as though you were a love rat..."

Lachlan hunched his shoulders. "Jealousy. It makes us do crazy things."

"It doesn't excuse what I did with Zack. It just makes it worse."

"I know. That haunts me. I can't forget it. No matter how many bottles I sink, it's still there when I close my eyes..."

"Oh, Lachlan...I am so sorry..."

He rubbed his hand over his eyes. "Well, not all the moments are good ones, you know? Just another of those surprises in that room." He laughed to himself. "You know what I wish?"

"What?" I whispered.

He lay back and looked up at the grey sky with its scudding clouds and the threat of rain to come. "I wish...that I could open the door and find another room. Start again. Pretend the past never happened. That we were meeting for the first time and none of the damn mess had ever occurred."

He looked across at me. "How good's your imagination?"

"Better than my memory..."I hardly dared hope that he was actually offering me another chance.

"We got it all wrong last time. This time, we're doing it my way. The old fashioned way. You meet a girl you like. You ask her on a date. Then you court her awhile. If you're lucky she lets you have a kiss. Eventually she might even let you cop a feel. One day down the line, you might get to make love to her. But only when you've got to know each other. I'm not letting sex get in the way again. This time we try some good old fashioned self restraint..."

I smiled at him. "You not planning on having a moment then?"

He laughed and ruffled back my hair. "Oh, I am planning to have a whole lot of moments...but all in good time. There's got to be more to this than sex, Cass. Or we wouldn't both be breaking our hearts, would we? We can both get sex anywhere. I'm not so sure love is as easy to bump into..."

I think he had stumbled on the perfect words. He wasn't interested in my body. Well, he was, of course, but only because it was part of me. Not because it was something he wanted for himself. That's why he is the man I love. No one else has ever made me feel that way. Like a woman worth knowing. Better than all the rest. Not just the one you go with until the real thing comes along.

 

We stood up and held hands as we walked back to his car. Lachlan drove me home and took me to the door. There I got a gentle kiss and his knuckles tracing down my face as he tweaked my chin and smiled. "Pick you up at seven thirty. Valentine's Ball at the pub. If I am not being too presumptuous? Maybe you already have an escort?"

I shook my head. "I'd love to go with you, Lachlan. It would be a pleasure."

"Then it's settled. Best bib and tucker. Put on a posh frock. I'll see you then, gorgeous..."

He left me at my door, weak kneed and half faint with joy. On the mat was a pink envelope. I picked it up and turned it over. Unfamiliar handwriting. Artistic rather flamboyant style. No postmark. Hand delivered.  Lachlan? No, it wasn't his writing. Opening it up, I pulled out a beautiful card. "To the girl I love. Be mine?" So I did have  secret admirer after all? How amusing. One minute I have no one and then all the luck changes.  I could hardly believe the turn of events. Lachlan did love me. He was going to try again. Floating back into my flat, soaring somewhere above the clouds, in his delirious blue but without the encumbrance of wings, I spun round and round the room, resting my card on the bookshelves as I flicked on the CD. A  song I had played constantly recently came on. Now it just made me smile.

 

 

The truth is, you do live. But you live in a half life, stumbling round in the dark, reaching out and catching anything that passes by to try and anchor yourself. With him, I can burst out of that black prison and see the sunlight.  One day at a time, Lachlan. This time we do it your way....

 

Valentine's Night was nothing like I had expected - I had thought a night in alone with a bottle and a further dose of the blues was all I could expect this year. Instead, Lachlan picked me up, all smartly dressed in a fine suit, his hair tamed, freshly shaved, smiling and bringing me chocolates and flowers. I had dressed in a feminine style, billowy dress of a soft fabric that hung appealingly around my curves but didn't flaunt them. He helped me put the flowers in a vase and then kissed me before we hit the road.

Parking outside the pub, Lachlan got an attack of nerves and seemed suddenly coy about going in. I told him it was fine if he wanted to do something else but we owed it to our friends to let them know that their ruse had worked. He conceded that.

Inside everyone was so pleased to see us together. There were no awkward questions asked although Steve did try to chat me up at one point but accepted my news, somewhat ungraciously. But that's Steve. He has a rather sharp side to him. But he didn't let on to Lachlan; I was grateful for that.

We ate the beautiful food prepared for us; we drank moderately, a few glasses of wine. Mostly we danced. All night. Like men and women used to do when that was the most they could expect from an evening together. I realized something that night. Dancing as a replacement for sex heightens your awareness of each other. I felt so good in his arms. I felt like a woman. He felt like a man. I could feel the warmth of his body, smell the fresh tang of his cologne, sense the desire he was keeping in check out of respect for me. My hand on his shoulder, touching the short hairs on the back of his sturdy neck made me somehow weak for him, the fabric of his jacket was pleasantly abrasive against the bare skin of my neck and shoulders, his fingers rested lightly on my spine sent shivers through my frame, his confident and rhythmic lead in the dance gave me a sense of security and peace. I adored the solid bulk of his chest against my soft curves, how the fingers of his left hand entwined with mine; his wine-sweetened breath whispering in my ear as we moved around tickled and aroused me. I felt my body respond to this man and began to understand how wonderful a little distance could be. It made me listen to that person inside of me, it made me hear my heart talking.

I glanced up into his eyes and I could read the same thoughts. As much as I wanted to lie naked with him and share the wonders of physical pleasure, I knew that the emotions holding us tonight were far more sublime than that. All good things come to those who wait. I was going to be a good girl. And good things were coming.

 

My Blue Valentine was suddenly a Bright Big Golden one. And I was delirious. With love.

 

Back  |  Site Map  |  Fiction  |  Updates  |  Links  |  Submissions  |  Contact  |  Message Board

 

  Site Meter