Scene: The pub after everyone has left on the night of the Party of the Firsts...a few men are left to clear away the debris...

<The pub empties. The last guest leaves. The usual debris is left behind. The only remaining people are Uma, Andy, Heather, Dino, Jeff and Paul.>

Jeff: Paul and I'll get this place cleaned up. You lot need your beauty sleep. We're already gorgeous, that right, Paul? <he pushes the two girls to the stairs. No one is going to let them clear up tonight.>

Dino: <walking in from his car with an overnight bag> I'll break a habit of a lifetime. Where's the mop?

Andy: <puts his arms round both girls> Go up and relax! Be up later, girls...wear something sexy...then I'll give you both a first!!!  

Andy: <rotating his hips and thrusting, making crude noises at Dino then grabbing an imaginary butt and mimicking doggy style> Come on, baby...do that thang...

Dino: <raising an eyebrow and giving a little smile> And Andy? The day you give Heather a first is the day you get your first look at the after-life, man....Now let's get this place whipped into order...

<Uma whispers something to Andy as she strokes his face; he nods. Heather winks over at Dino who smiles back lazily. The girls grin and say goodnight, running upstairs, leaving the men alone>

Dino: Well, that sure was one helluva party. Those girls really know how to throw a bash. Everyone worked so damned hard to make it just right...and how they kept so quiet about it...you know what women are like for accidentally letting the cat out of the bag...

Andy: You're not wrong, mate. It was fantastic... a really beautiful thing to do. Uma can still hardly speak, she's so overcome. And, boys...that does not happen often... so enjoy the silence!

Paul: She certainly said enough about her alleged virginal state earlier.... Still waiting for her first orgasm? Shame on you, Andy!

Jeff: You know what I'd do if my boyfriend said that about me? <Paul feigns fear at the wrath of Jeff unleashed>

Dino: She needs her bottom smacked. I'll do the honors, if you like, Andy...as I am older and a sort of father figure.... <rolling his eyes>

Jeff: Like that, do you, pal? Smacking bums? I reckon he likes a bit of S and M, does O'Leary...

Paul: <pipes up> Don't know about him - but I fucking do! Dino, smack my bottom! <he thrusts his butt out and wiggles it>

Dino: Sorry, friend - you have to throw a tantrum first...

Jeff: Don't encourage him, mate! The queen of drama himself.

Andy: ...You see I'm confident in my masculinity. I can take a joke without getting all worked up about losing face before the other men. I'm what you call a restructured man...

Dino: Reconstructed, you dick... unless you mean she's already rearranged your balls on a chain around her neck.

Jeff: Too right. Andy - you'll just have to stop wearing the pinny in this place...

Andy: You can't frighten me. I'm happy in my own skin.

Paul: Ah, they all say that until their women get that little piece of skin between their teeth and bite down hard...

Andy: For Christ's sake...give it a fucking rest...or do you want to wash up instead? Get those lily white manicured girly nails of yours ruined!

Jeff: Calm down, Andy. He's just being a nong...he's perfected it to an art form. Lay off him, Pog...

Dino: What happened to Steve and Cassie tonight?

Paul: They probably forgot to get out of bed. Or rather Steve probably forgot to take his dick out of Cassie's...

Dino: We get the picture, Paul.

Andy: He must have a thing about voluptuous women, you know? I can totally understand his thing about Monica by the way, even if she is a bit temperamental...you seen the jugs on her...? <he weighs the imaginary breasts in his hands with a grin.>

Dino: Cassie too...that boy sure knows a fine pair of tits when he sees them.

Paul: He's a photographer. He's got the eye.

Jeff: <laughing> He takes pictures of bananas!

Paul: Then he should appreciate me then! <he grabs his groin crudely, cheerfully ignoring the groans the others are making> Just thinking...if you weren't in love with your current partner and all that shit... Who would you do?

Jeff: Okay big mouth...so who would you do?

Paul: Man or woman?

Andy: You joking? Woman, of course!

Paul: Why of course? I'm bent...mostly....could go either way on a good day.... Man.....hmmm... let me think....Well, Stephen's kinda cute...

Jeff: I was just going to say that! We are so in tune! You think he might...you know? Swing both ways? Give him enough laudanum and who knows? <they exchange a hopeful glance>

Dino: Laudanum suppresses your sex drive, boys. Not a good idea.

Jeff: Okay Mr. K. and R man...who would you do if we take the gorgeous Heather out of the equation?

Dino <strikes an effeminate pose and bats his eyelids> Terry, of course....my turn to be the wifey today...

Andy: <snorting> You like near death experiences, mate? Could you see what Thorne would do to any guy who tried it on in the bogs with him?

Dino:  I love the adrenalin rush.  It does get the old ticker going.  Come on, Andy...you must have a few dirty fantasies of your own behind the boss's back...

Andy: Well... <he looks towards the stairs in case anyone is listening in and then shuts the adjoining door> Do not tell Uma this but...I've always thought that... Cassie was really fit... Those tits? And that fantastic arse... <he whistles>

Paul: I wouldn't mind her apartment myself...it's fucking high end New York! Gorgeous! The leather couch is to die for...

Jeff: Yeah, Cassie seems to have a certain affect on all men... even gay boys...<he pulls a face like a stunned mullet> And a totally different one on the women... <he scratches his nails like claws. They all roar agreement>

Dino: That might explain why she blows in here like a tornado every so often leaving exhausted men lying in her wake.

Jeff: How many she done so far? <they start mumbling names and counting>

Paul: Zack...

Jeff: Lach...

Andy: Jack... C...

Paul: Anyone here called Mack? She likes them rhyming, hey? <he laughs at his own quip>

Dino: Wigand...ruins your theory, sweetheart.

Jeff: Maloney...

Andy and Jeff: Maloney? Fuck - the lucky bastard! How did he manage that? <they all shrug at how hard it is to figure out women>

Andy: Anyone else?

Paul: I heard she did...no....I promised I wouldn't tell! <then he mouths a name at them>

Andy: He kept that quiet!

Dino: And so will you guys...It's not gentlemanly to go telling tales of that nature about young ladies and their little peccadilloes...

Andy: I caught her outside the back with Maximus once. She said she was showing him the herb garden...

Jeff: That's a new name for it. <they all snigger>

Paul: I found her in the Men's room with Nash a while back...she said she was getting an oil stain off his pants...and she was rubbing vigorously to be fair... <he giggles> But it looked suspicious, you know what I mean...? On her knees rubbing his thigh and him clinging to the sink with his teeth gritted and his eyes rolling back in his head...I just added that last bit for effect but, you know...?

Andy: Oil stain?

Paul: Off his bicycle... so he said...

Dino: Sounds more like the Lewinsky blue dress scenario to me...making a stain, huh? <they are amused by that one>

Andy: Who else?

Dino: Terry.

Jeff: Big deal...Terry's had everyone.

Andy: All except one. <he snaps back>

Dino: Two. <Dino's eyes sparkle at that>

Paul: Three! He's not had me! <swooning> God...I'd die if he came onto me...imagine that? <Jeff thumps him> Ouch...! I've tried my best...but he just doesn't seem to go for hairy bodies...you think if I had it all waxed off he might...?

<the others shake their heads. Paul sighs dramatically>

Jeff: Okay, Cassie is the one we all want to do...or have already.....Paul just wants to wear her clothes and live in her flat...

Andy: Wonder what they'd say if they had this conversation...you know, which would they want if they didn't have us?

Dino: Maximus. End of discussion. <they all agree, nodding their heads sagely>

Jeff: Well he's done his best to get round... he's a randy bugger on the quiet, you know?

Paul: Well, I wonder what the girls would say if they heard this little conversation...

Dino: <he snorts> Silence... then we'd hear a gun clicking somewhere.... but yeah...Max has been around, you know. Don't forget, he's been at it 2000 years, boys...

Andy: Jesus, you'd think he would have got fed up of it by now!

Dino: Are you serious? Have you? Ever gotten fed up?

Andy: <thinks about it> Point taken.

Paul: Imagine if you could calculate how much spunk an average 2000 year old man had shot in his lifetime...God, it must be tons! <he seems unaware of the involuntary grimace Dino and Andy made at that mental image> Bet he's got his technique honed alright... No wonder he hits the fucking wall! <the others exchange amused looks at that unexpected detail>

Andy: How do you know he hits the wall?

Dino: Paul...you wanna tell the class how you know the range of the general's firepower?

Jeff: Range is good. <In a Maximus voice... and then sniggering to himself>

Paul: Told you he was a dirty bugger. I don't know...maybe Max told me once.... Or something... < he winces as he tries to extricate himself from revealing what Ann had said when drunk. They all burst out laughing at his backtracking, not convinced. Jeff digs Paul in the ribs as a warning>

Andy: Imagine bottling all that Maximus spunk and selling it....you'd make a fucking fortune!

Jeff: Selling it for what?

Andy: Dunno...aphrodisiac? Ultimate alpha sperm donation? Want a kid who can chop off a head with either hand and speak Latin? Skin cream? You know, women believe all that shit about spunk...how else would we get them to swallow? I mean...it's gotta taste pretty rancid...

Jeff: No, it doesn't... it doesn't taste like cheese anyway... <they all groan at that remark> ...And your obsession with Maximus is getting a bit old, mate... <he gives Paul the eye>

Paul: Don't worry, honey, yours is still bigger <he blows a kiss to Jeff who pulls a face while Paul holds his fingers up crossed behind Jeff's back so the others can see>

Andy: Makes you wonder though...I wonder who's really the biggest?

Jeff: Everyone always says Hando...

Dino: Me.

Paul: Me.

Jeff: Me...Paul just said I was bigger than Maximus....Actually, how can you be maxier than Maximus?

Paul: If you are Mostimus. <they fall about at that>

Andy: Actually it's probably me...Uma says so...

Dino: Right and she should know - how? Have you never heard of massaging your ego, pal? Women do it a lot...if they love you, that is. If they don't, they tell you it's small and you come too quick... they are not always to be trusted...I would imagine though that Cassie might have a better working knowledge than most...

Paul: Actually I saw Arthur naked once... Come on, lads, do not look like that! We were at the gym...<Jeff gives him a surprised look> Good god, mate, not THAT gym! Arthur would die if he went in there...Anyway, it nearly put my fucking eye out! He's fucking enormous!

Andy: You serious?

Paul: Would I joke about dick size? <they all ponder that one>

Jeff: <all defensive> What was your eye doing near his dick?

Paul: It wasn't. That's my point.

Dino: <looks impressed> That big, huh?

Andy: So Arthur is King Dong?

Dino: Who'd verify that? Come on, one of the girls must know for sure.

Paul: You don't take my word for it?

Jeff: No, you get too over-excited when you see naked men...and you're always exaggerating.

Paul: Yeah? I fake orgasms as well... <he teases, nudging Jeff out of his jealous fit>

Andy: Angharad would know - but she'd knock you out if you asked her. She scares me at times...

Dino: No use...she's only had him. She's bound to think it's enormous - He won't be small.  I mean it's in the genes...

Paul: In the jeans...? <snorting> But are you sure about the lovely Angharad...? That she's only had Artie?

Jeff: Spill...what do you know, O'Gallagher? What have you wormed out of her, ya slimy bugger? <Paul zips his lips and smirks>

Paul: My lips are sealed!

Jeff: First time for everything.

Dino: But the question is, guys - were hers? <all the men snort and make rude gestures>

Andy: Another first, hey?

Paul: I never spread gossip... <they all raise their eyes at that one>

Andy: My money's on Ross. He'll do it with anyone.

Dino: Don't let your girlfriend hear you say that, son. <reminding him of Uma's former fling with Alex>

Andy: Hey, if you go for every woman you meet, you're bound to hit pay dirt from time to time...

Dino: That's one way of looking at it.

Jeff: A fucked up way.

Paul: <grins> Worked for you, didn't it? <Jeff laughs and agrees>

Dino: But what we all want to know, young Andrew....The $64,000 question as you might say is...talking about firsts....was Celia your first?

Andy: No, she bloody wasn't! If you watch my film carefully you will see I had a healthy supply of frangers in my car already.

Jeff: Doesn't mean you'd ever used them though...bet they were out of date...or came with the motor... <Andy gives him the bird>

Paul: If Celia was my first, she would have been my fucking last! <shuddering>

Andy: Thank you for giving us the benefit of your opinion, Paul.

Paul: My pleasure. <bowing> And Celia certainly wouldn't have been...my pleasure, I mean.... She'd have had me hopping straight to the other bus.

Jeff: You bloody liar! You were fucking born on that bus! You'd have done the dog before you did her...

Paul: Well, he was kind of cute...but not as cute as Andrew and his little bare bum though! <Andy gives him a warning look>

Dino: <Changing the subject> Talking about dogs....who was the worst dog you woke up with?

Jeff: You first...

Dino: <his eyes twinkle> Terry. That was scary...waking up wrapped around him <The men stare> Hey, guys...it was a cold night!  

Paul: And he sure is hot! <fanning himself>

Dino: Funny....

Andy: Right, that's me....This place is clean enough and I've got a girl waiting on me. Excuse me, boys...

Jeff: Me too... <he winks at Paul> Come on, gorgeous.

Dino: Keep it down up there, Andrew... I want some sleep tonight.

Andy: That's cos you're old, mate...remember when you could go all night?

Dino: <dryly> No, I can't recall back that far... but you two keep reminding me.  <he grins>  But I still remember how to kill a man while he sleeps...  <Andy gives him the bird and they both laugh>

Paul: See ya, lads! Jeff...I better drive. I'm sober....

<They run out, arms round each other's shoulders as Andy bolts the door and Dino sets the alarm. You can hear them in the car park laughing and hooting, obviously mock-fighting. Dino rolls his eyes as Andy grins at their antics>

Andy: See ya tomorrow, Dean...say goodnight to Heather for me.

Dino: Sure thing...give Uma a sloppy kiss from me.

<They go upstairs and part company on the landing to disappear into their respective bedrooms...>