The Players:

Upstairs: Ann, Angel, Angharad, Bou, Bridgid, Eris, Erycina, Esme, Clarity, Carol, Cass, Gaia, Heather, Jeff, Marie, Scarlet, Tulip Uma, Wildie

Downstairs: Arthur, Biebe, Bud, Colin, Cort, Dino, Dom, East, Egan, Hando, Jack. Jack C, Johnny Ryan, Lachlan, Maximus, Nash, Stephen, Terry, Zack

	Act One:  The Set Up
Uma:	No, you cannot come up. This a private party, invitation only and there is only one man on the guest list. I'm warning you lot...try anything on and I'm calling the police. Or your conjugal rights. Whichever hurts the most. And no, we are not taking off our coats down here. We might catch cold. Most of us are almost naked underneath....
	(Upstairs in the lounge. The ladies are setting out the food. It is an amazing display of all the things we don't normally allow ourselves. Creamy quiches, citron muffins, a large dish of sea food - boiled shrimp, oysters, crab claws, Moules au gratin, Fettucine Alfredo, smoked salmon on crackers, dips and chips, cous cous, cheese platter and French bread, a finger board of cherries, pineapple chunks, orange and lemon wedges, celery stalks, little onions, olives baby gherkins, pot of chili with rice, sour cream and fritos, a plate of hors d'oeuvres, chocolate gateau, sweet breads, See's candy,Godiva chocolates, Over the moon Dark chocolate Buddhas filled with Mandarin liqueur Graveyard cake, Cheesecake .... )
Wildie:	East's been playing every guilt card he knows how all day. 'I'll be lonely'...he wants to give Jeff a good birthday too....what will happen if I drink too much and need someone to carry me home...he's worried about me with some of the men in here...they might take advantage.... will I call him if I need him. He'll be just downstairs....give him a last kiss....so damn pathetic...acting like a big baby...
Clarity:	John was just the same. You would think he never goes out with the boys from the look on his face. 'For God's sakes, Clarity, what on earth do you girls find amusing in a night just sitting talking? You do that all the time anyway...' As if he never ever sits around talking about stupid sports games or whatever passes with men for conversation...
Heather:	Dino tried the opposite. Tried to scare me. You know... 'Well, what have we here...a night of freedom from the yoke of slavery...maybe me and a few of the boys are gonna have us a good time. You should do this more often, honey...' But I am not falling for that. They are wetting their pants to know what we have planned. None of them will move from the pub in case they miss something...
Carol:	Zack pretended he'd forgotten. Said he was working late anyway so I might as well amuse myself with my friends. But, guess whose car has just pulled up outside....they are so predictable...aren't they cute...?
Angel:	Jack claims to have no interest in what he calls women's 'gatherings' but he's downstairs, playing cards like the spectre at the feast. Or that woman at the guillotine who used to knit...
Angharad:	Well, I know Arthur's down there, cos he dropped me off in the car and told me to behave and that he would wait fro me at the end. That I was coming home at a reasonable hour...he got all masterful about it. I love him when he gets like that...of course, I always get my own way in the end....
Scarlet:	There's a boxing match on, so H said. That will get them all nice and worked up. You know how they are when they watch a fight? Dancing about in their seats? Well, too bad, they have nothing and no one to work out their aggression on but each other. You figure they'll behave?
Jeff:	No chance...come over here a moment....turn up that music....(he picks up a pen and scribbles on a piece of paper: 'Don't let on. They've got this room bugged. Heard Johnny tell Colin when he was having a piss') Behave? That lot? That'll be the day... (he points to the tiny little device which is taped to a lily stem on the central flower arrangement. We all smile knowingly. Boy will they get it now and some!)
Uma:	Drinkiepoos! Come on everyone....time to get juiced up....let me show you what we have. For the wine drinkers...a very tasty little Sauvignon Blanc and a rather fruity Spanish Red (who's been raiding Max's cellar?),  A big bottle of Yellow tail Shiraz, some spiced wine for those who like it hotter...and for those with a sweet tooth....bowl of Piña Colada, bottle of Bailey's...for those who like a bit of salt on their tongue....a jug of Margarita....and a litre of Cosmopolitan for those requiring Cranberry juice (an occupational hazard with those men down there and their libidos) What else...?  The Jack D, Bacardi, Gin, VB for Jeff and a stack of Rolling Rock long necks.... selection of teas and coffee and a coffee maker...think we've got it all covered....?
Cassie:	We are gonna be so ill after this...
Ann:	That is not the spirit, Cassie my girl! You never think of the pain. Or how else would we ever have any fun? If we had thought about consequences, we'd still all be virgins....Of course, I still am, as you know...
Heather:	Yeah right....and I'm Mother Superior of the Convent....pull the other one, tart...
Marie:	Ladies, please....mud wrestling later...first a toast....to the birthday boy and girl. Charge your glasses, please.....cheers! Happy Birthday Tulip! Happy Birthday, Jeff! Time for presents!!!! Jeff only as Tulip has to wait 2 days!!
	[He opens his presents and there are kisses all round for Jeff, long wet snogs with plenty of crude comments, wandering hands and encouragement from the gallery. Jeff fakes an orgasm - or at least we think it is faked.]
Uma:	Attention please... and now for the cake.....drum roll....I give you....Jeff's fantasy ....could think of a few women who wouldn't mind one of these either...
Jeff:	Flaming hell... save us the dicks, hey? [they all laugh uproariously at the cake which is to everyone's taste...]
Jeff:	Unaccustomed as I am to public speaking...I just want to say that this is such a bloody great idea and you girls are just the best mates a bloke could have. And may I also add that I am still a functioning male so anyone who wants a birthday kiss or even a more intimate birthday treat...then I'm available for pyjama parties only. And the amount of female flesh on display here is rather tempting me to change my religion. Eris, could you just move your right leg to the left a fraction... bloody hell, no wonder Max looks worn out these days...
Carol:	Just a moment, Jeff, before you sit down....there is another present here. Although you do look rather cute in those loose PJs and a singlet... we actually don't believe you really sleep in them. In fact some of the ladies here are rather better acquainted with your sleep attire than they will readily admit...so come on, tell us...what do you normally sleep in...?
Jeff:	Me? It depends. If it's a hot night...or I have a partner...well, starkers, of course...but if I'm cold - or alone - usually my footy shirt...
Carol:	Exactly...my sources were correct! So....tonight I am afraid you and Tulip as the birthday boy and girl have to wear the sleep gear of our choosing. One Australia kit between you....you decide... Jeff? Top or bottom...and no undies allowed...
Tulip:	You drive a hard bargain! As the birthday girl can I get my wish? Jeff in nothing but a tight pair of shorts?
Jeff:	As a gentleman I would have to agree...the lady must have the shirt to cover her modesty. And as it's my birthday, can we go into the same room to change...? By the way...I can't be blamed for anything that I can't stuff in...occupational hazard when you've no undies...
Bridgid:	Now while those two go and feel each other up, I am going to start on this food...anyone gonna join me...oysters first...get me in the mood...
	ACT TWO:  Down below
Bud:	So turn the fucking thing on then...what we waiting for?
Dino:	They all upstairs? Don't want any of them walking in on this!
Arthur:	Yes...I ticked them off as they walked up. All present and counted for.
Dino:	Then here we go....
Uma:	So....what do you think of this? I know it's see through...would it look better with thongs or these French knickers?
Cassie:	You could use those edible ones. That would give him a shock...me, I like to go without...garters and stockings, high heels and nothing else. Lachlan nearly trips over his dick...
Lachlan:	(groaning) Shut up, Cassie...
Colin:	I'm still working on Uma in a see through black negligee with edible knickers...
Johnny:	Shut up, we'll miss something...
Gaia:	I swear by Aubade. I know it's expensive and there is almost nothing there - but it is the suggestion of what is beneath that is so tantalizing, n'est-ce pas? And I love it when they rip it off with their teeth...of course, I make sure they paid for it first... Terry is very generous when it comes to lingerie shops...
Uma:	(through gritted teeth) Maybe I should put his bar bill in the Aubade catalogue then...
Terry:	Ouch....I can feel her teeth from here....
Dino:	And Gaia can feel yours... tiger....rowrrrr....(they both start laughing and raise their glasses)
Bou:	Always lace...something that almost reveals but not quite...in dark green or black...
Biebe:	Hey, Cort, stop smirking....
Jack C:	What a thought....all that red hair against dark green lace....bloody hell...
Jack A:	Get a hold of yourself, man! Well, not literally of course...not here anyway...
Heather:	Dino likes red...not unsurprisingly...what do you think of this corset...?  But it's the gloves that do it for him every time... especially this blood red satin pair with shoes to match...
Jeff:	Bloody hell...makes me sweat, luv...blood red....yeah...certainly affects my blood.
Terry:	Red satin, hey? I better not wear that colour again...
Dino:	I'm not quite sure you in a red shirt is quite the look we're aiming at, pal.
Terry:	I was thinking of red silk boxers...
Dino:	What an unpleasant visual. I need another drink, man.
Marie:	Bud's pretty uncomplicated. A frothy baby doll does it every time. But I like the cuffs and he usually is more than willing to oblige...
Uma:	God Almighty...chained up by Officer White...! I just wet my knickers...
Lachlan:	You pervy bastard, White...
Bud:	(smiling into his Scotch) Got two birds with one stone there...how good am I?
	[Round of cheering...glasses being thumped on the bar and feet stomped. Bud bows]
Esme:	My taste is for dusky rose pink silk...really fine and sheer....not that anyone ever sees me in it - think you lot are  the first...
Hando:	Come down here, luv, and we'll have a look...might even have a feel...you seen her tits? Bloody enormous... [he weighs imaginary breasts in his hands with a leer. There is general agreement]
Cort:	She's what I'd call an old fashioned figure of a woman, plenty to squeeze and roll into. These modern girls are too skinny. I like me a woman with flesh on her bones...
Jack:	Couldn't agree more with you there, sir. An ample supply of flesh in the bosom and arse is a man's pleasure. Adds ballast as she sails...
Cort:	More cushion for the pushin'...
Jack:	Oh very good, sir...excellent observation. Most well put, if I may say so...
Max:	I think it is a sign of these times. We men of earlier periods are used to more natural women. Not so much artifice. Voluptuous, earthy and full bodied...
Cort:	Amen to that, brother.
Terry:	I've pretty Catholic tastes but ...I've quite a taste for the skinny, leggy ones...
Dino:	Brings out the paternal instincts in you...you know that's pretty creepy actually...
Terry:	Piss off...at least I don't have red satin fetishes...
Eris:	I just like pretty lingerie...
Scarlet:	Lacy, frilly things...
Wildie:	Very classy lingerie for me....and ... honey dust and edible body paints....I love to lick things off East...
Egan:	Better watch that horse manure in the stables...
East:	Ya bastard...
Ann:	Beautiful underwear...I think that's sexier than nothing actually.
Heather:	You think?  I dunno....Is there anything better than a naked body?  Mmmm.... especially a naked male body...hey, Jeff, stop rearranging your good bits and tell us...what's your position on underwear?
Jeff:	Male or female?
Scarlet:	Both.
Jeff:	Prefer my men in leather...Women...? Yeah...anything frilly, lacy...showing a bit of tits and arse...
Ann:	Men in leather? Thud! That just wet my panties. (general sounds of agreement from all)
Angel:	I have this leather bustier. It drives Jack crazy...he likes me to wear that and nothing else...
Zack:	Right on, Captain Jack. Think I could go for that look too...is it getting hot in here? Ya figure she's wearing that now? Mitchell's getting an eyeful of that? What a fucking waste...
Ann:	What do you think of these? I'm not really well up on sex toys but.. I couldn't resist these. Panties with a little vibrator attached...I wish I had the guts to wear them in the pub one night and sit there perving and giving myself a treat at the same time...
Uma:	God... Imagine that....! Sitting with Max and having an orgasm at the table....mind you...I'm not sure I need a vibrator for that. He makes my fanny twitch just by walking in...
Terry:	Oversharing , darlin'... (pulling a wry face)
Max:	Well, well, well....one is never too old to learn something new, eh? (smirking)
Cassie:	Time for the toys. I brought my favourite dildo...isn't she cute?
Carol:	I swear by my Rabbit. So pink and effective...those ears just tickle your fancy, you know?
Dom:	Bloody hell...do they really use those things? Are they using them up there?
Terry:	I think it may be time one of us found out. Dominic...correct me if I am wrong but you just lost a game of darts? 'Fraid the stakes just changed. Up you go and do a reccy for us.
Dom:	Terry...I can't...what would I say?
Terry:	Anything...nothing...just get a look see....we want a definitive report...
Dom:	'kin' hell. Do I have to?
Dino:	I'm afraid so. Be a man....we'll all be behind you...
Gaia:	I have this tiny dildo and a remote. You can wear it and when you feel like a little thrill...you just press this button and - Oooh la la! Terry had such fun with it...he kept activating it at the most embarrassing moment - the devil!
Terry:	(shaking his head and grinning) I wondered how long it would take her to bring that one out...very pleasant memory though...boy, was she ready for it later...
Bridgid:	I have this vibrating cow but it was a bit large to bring tonight...but I love it and it works for the boys too.... [The 'boys' look at each other accusingly....Lachlan mutters "Ride 'em , cowboy."  Just then a knock at the upper door]
Dom:	Excuse me, ladies....Jeff...we can't find the sugar...
Men:	Sugar????
Angharad:	Plenty of sugar up here, my lovely...hope you like liquid sugar...
Dom:	...Er.....
Uma:	Go away, Dominic, and tell them to grow up. Isn't there any Rugby on?
Arthur:	That was my Angharad! She was being saucy with Maloney!
Colin:	Better go up and sort her out, Artie. Play the he-man [everyone snorts at that and Arthur blushes and sits back down]
Terry:	Well?
Dom:	Bloody hell...you should see them. They are all wearing that shit....I mean it's like a fucking cathouse up there...Penthouse...I need a cold shower...
Lachlan:	Mitchell? What's he wearing? A negligee?
Dom:	Not much. Pair of footy shorts. Wish he'd keep his legs together... [Sharp intake of breath all round and disapproving looks.]
Bud:	That make it better or worse? To know that? Jesus Christ, they know how to twist you by the balls or what?
East:	Too right. What I'd give to be a fly on the wall....
Bud:	Up you go....it's a free country...
East:	You mental? They'd have my pants off before I crossed the threshold. Women in a pack can be scary animals...
Egan:	Thought you liked naked swimming...be right up your alley.
East:	(Paling at the thought) They'd be like a plague of locusts.
Hando:	What a fucking way to go though.... [Grunts of crude fantasy all round the room]
Carol:	Have you ever tried these Ben-wa balls? They are great...
Erycina:	I want a pair of cuffs...fur lined....
Eris:	I'm a bit shy of toys. What's this for? [General bewilderment. No one knows] We should ask Terry...he'd know...
Ann:	Oh yeah...he'd definitely know...he always knows how they work.
Gaia:	I agree...he's very knowledgeable about such things.
Terry:	What? What they on about...Look, I think they merely mean I am very mechanically minded....know how things work....how they're put together...
Dino:	I'd give up now...you're beginning to sound like Aubrey....
Uma:	Well, let me show you these beauties...I got a few specimens ....
	Now this is the Fire and Ice....couldn't resist this - an extra birthday gift for you Bou....and Clarity you and John have to play with this! One each... they can be cooled with ice or heated with hot water....makes me wriggle about just to think of them....
	Now this is for you Jeffrey....according to the notes it is more comfortably shaped for your needs...but don't forget the lube, hey...
Zack:	She giving him what I think she's giving him? Give a me a fuckin' drink, someone! Makes my ass ache just thinking about it... [pained looks all around]
Uma:	OK...back to pressies...Tulip....I couldn't resist the butterfly....I had this mental of a butterfly fluttering around Tulip's petals and all that nectar.....I am so rude....but bet Egan will trip over his tongue when he sees that at work....
Biebe:	Who's a lucky boy...? Hey, that fire and ice sounds like fun...
Uma:	The rest of you can take your pick but I have to give this one to Marie....it is SO perfect...I give you....The Night Shift! Although I think they should just have called it the Night Stick and be done with it. As the blurb says ...want to play good cop, bad cop....hey, Carol, you think this will do it for Zack too? I've got a few spares...and according to what it says here...it works for both of you....if he's got the guts to try...
Bud:	Jesus fucking Christ is that woman completely nuts?
Zack:	I still bet you give it a twirl, officer...
Jeff:	This is a ripper...I'd love to blow this one...   Although...the blue colour does rather put me in mind of SID...
Cass:	Why don't you? I mean show us how to do it properly, I mean...a bloke must know a few tricks cos he's got one as well... did I just say that? God, I am so pissed....
Lachlan:	Should I go and get her out of there before she collapses?
Stephen:	Lachlan Curry in the lionesses' den? Most impressive...
Lachlan:	Maybe not...
Jeff:	Well ladies, the tricky bit is to get past the gagging reflex - certainly not easy, but with a little practice and concentration, Bob's your uncle. Watch me first, then do what I do....
Erycina:	Good God....look how he's flattening his tongue...Nice trick...Now bob on it...that's the hard part! He's doing it...wow...I can see his throat muscles working....God, this is turning me on.... [a general agreement.] [The men below exchange looks.]
Colin:	Wonder if he's cracking a fat?
Cort:	I think I'd rather not know...
Angharad:	Oh my God....I am so impressed. I'm going to try that for real...
Arthur:	What???
Terry:	Ya reckon she's gonna try it on him...? I mean, if he's wearing nothing but footy shorts...and this is getting to him...did she mention blowing his candle?
Arthur:	You don't think she would...?
Terry:	Well, it's gone very quiet up there....can't hear her voice.. She got something in her mouth?
Arthur:	That's it! I'm going up!
Dino:	You are such a bastard, hermano!
Jack:	The poor lad will be eaten alive. We may never find the pieces...
Arthur:	I think it's time I took you home, Angharad...
Jeff:	Arthur, me old mate...what good timing...I was just wondering who I could try out my pressie on...bend over....don't worry...I'll warm it up first... [gales of female laughter as Arthur turns tail and runs]
Arthur:	He's a bloody pervert....she's on her own from now on....
Uma:	I think it's time for some privacy...let me just turn on this little vibrator and place it near the flower vase...ya hear that loud and clear, Terry? Well, just don't sit to close to the amplifier now... [She turns on the vibrator and the amplifier whines with the interference. The men groan.]
	ACT THREE:  It Gets On My Tits...
Heather:	...That should teach them a lesson. It is so typical of men! They spend half their lives sitting together talking the nonsense that men talk and exclude us completely from the whole business and then if we want a night alone they act like we're planning World War Three or something....it just gets on my tits at times...
Ann:	Do not get me started about men and their double standards! I have forsworn men...if even Maximus can be such a lying, two-faced bastard...I mean one moment they act like they want to take over your life and solve all your problems that you are quite capable of solving for yourself....and the next they are the fucking problem...and treat you like old news once they've had their fun...
Uma:	Yeah, well, they have this different view of life. The one where they are always right and we are some liability trying to ruin their fun. I blame mothers. They make them think they are the centre of the universe. If we don't share their opinion then it's us who are at fault. Have you ever realized that men always think they are desirable even when they are complete dogs? Have you ever seen a man worry if his bum looks big in his jeans or something?
Wildie:	What annoys me most about men in general is the double standard some of them have.  We're supposed to treat them a certain way, but they don't reciprocate. I must say though East is rarely guilty of that - he's very considerate but what does annoy me about him is that he never gets mad.  If a guy's mad at me, then I know he's got a limit ... East leaves me feeling uncertain...
Carol:	Well. I can't accuse Zack of that. He lets you know straight away what he thinks and no mistake but sometimes he is just so...woodenheaded....he can't read my mind, and sometimes I just don't wanna explain, you know? And it bugs me how he seems to think that if he tosses me a throw pillow for my knees that constitutes foreplay....! [everyone agrees with that]
Esme:	Why do they always want stick thin women? I mean we still love them with a few extra pounds...men seem to judge women on externals so much more than we judge men...
Bou:	I have to say not all. Modern men are worse for that. You should try a man from the old days. They have a healthy respect for abundant flesh...men like Jack and Cort and...others too...
Uma:	But....why can't men be more like women? Why can't they talk instead of keeping it all inside? What's the point of that?
Bou:	...And they never knowing what they've done wrong....
Heather:	They never listen unless they want to! I hate that selective hearing thing they do!
Marie:	And they're just not logical. They hate shopping; they won't wear anything different or try any ethnic food....well, Bud won't anyway....and I don't think he's alone at being such a stick-in-the-mud....
Scarlet:	I only have to say Hando and ethnic food...need I say more? What pisses me off is his personal habits. He just doesn't care if it upsets me. He wanks in bed sometimes- that just grosses me out...
Tulip:	They seem to think that we find their bad habits endearing as if it is their way of saying they love us. By farting in bed? The things that get on my tits - have you got an hour to spare? Egan piles dirty clothes on the floor I mean he is PILING them; he could win  prices for the heights of his piles, but...ONLY in the bathroom, or NEAR the washing machine or NEXT to his bedroom window, exactly positioned, so you're not able to open it, without knocking it  all over and making a clothes mess out of his room  There is even one PILE in his kitchen in front of the oven (tells a lot, don't ya think?), no, not towels, but underwear, he never could explain that to me. I am not even going to mention the bottle pile in the kitchen. What is surprising that the rest of his flat is very neat and he is too.... He monopolizes  the sheets in bed  and complains afterward when my feet are cold...bastard! Or he lies completely over me and complains when I stir to get some air, I mean...hey? And then I HATE how he calls me Tuli instead of Tulip every time he gets up to something, or is trying to distract me from some topic.... sorry for the ranting.... [everyone has a good laugh and raises their glasses in agreement]
Erycina:	Men----- they are too stubborn to read instructions! God! I HATE that! You hear them in there putting something together and they're cursing and banging around.... And when you go in, and ask, what do the instructions say, they act like you're an idiot to think they should read instructions! And Johnny- I've kind of been seeing him lately, you know?-how he seems to have lost the ability to pick up his dirty socks...
Bou:	Cort talks in his sleep...really, really rambles...drives me mad...and if he isn't talking he's snoring... [lots of agreement about men and snoring follows]
Angel:	Snoring? You should try sleeping with Jack! It's a wonder I'm not deafened by now...Jack is wonderful in many ways but.... I have this wonderful quote on my desk that I saw on a cartoon somewhere, it just sums it all up really: There are 3 things a real man can't say - I'm wrong, I'm lost, I can't fix it, which encompasses some of the general annoyances.  Well, it's true, isn't it?
Eris:	So true - men just will not ask for directions. And I hate the way Max will never put the toilet seat up! Pee on the seat is so gross.... and Terry is just the same with blankets - he rolls up in them and then moans about my cold feet...
Angel:	Exactly ... or they always leave the loo seat up; when driving, they hate you doing that girlie thing of turning the map around to follow the route - which makes so much sense ... oh, the list is pretty much endless! But, in particular, I HATE  Jack's ability to sleep anytime, anyplace, anywhere ... and does his brain short-circuit during sex ...? Or is it only Jack that seems to say the first thing that comes into his head afterwards ....?  Just to set the scene: When we were in Bath ...our first night there - we'd just spent the most wonderful evening - dinner in the hotel restaurant and a walk along the Royal Crescent in the moonlight.  Somehow we got to talking about what we were going to do the following day - Jack suggested a trip to Bristol, I mentioned that a visit to Brunel's SS Great Britain might be interesting ... we retired back to our hotel suite ... I unveiled a little 'surprise' for Jack ... we made love ... and then afterwards, as I'm lying there in post-coital bliss, he suddenly asked me more about the SS Great Britain!!!!! [everyone roars with laughter]
Heather:	That is so typical! But if we say something like: Do you think the room needs repainting? They go nuts about how unromantic we are...  Pffffff.... please... he couldn't even tell me what color the walls are to begin with unless he was standing next to one when I asked... and then he starts in... 'This doesn't mean you're going to want new bedding too, does it?  You're not going to want me to go along and help pick it out, are you?  Fuck.  Just kill me now.'  Talk about unromantic!
Gaia:	I hate how they always lose things! They treat us like we are silly little things and tell us to close our purse and watch this and watch that and yet...every time they leave the house they can't find their  cell phones, keys, their wallets, their sunglasses....even Terry does that. But if we can't find anything they just say "How do I know?" and never even get up off the chair to look for it....
Uma:	Yes....and when they lose something and you quite reasonably say: "Where's the last place you had it?" They go mental and shout "If I knew that I wouldn't be bloody asking, would I?"
Angharad:	And they always say "My mother used to do it like this...."I hate that! [Jeff has been very quiet but everyone notices he is laughing]
Jeff:	You know...these blokes you go out with...they all sound like my Dad...
Bridgid:	So you have no bad habits then, Jeff?
Jeff:	Course not. I do all that stuff - but I think it's sensible. I mean...ever occurred to you that the things you do drive men round the bend as well? But....let me ask you this? Why do you like them then?
Esme:	Cos they don't cost me a fortune in batteries... [peals of laughter at that]
Jeff:	OK let's turn it round...what turns you on most about your men...?
Heather:	He sends flowers every first Thursday of the month to his Mom...
Jeff:	Too clean....we want the dirt...
Heather:	(blushing) He likes to experiment...and I like doing things I've never done before with someone I trust...
Erycina:	I like a slow hand ....to be romanced a bit.....so I guess my favorite time would be low lights, soft music, a bit of wine, dancing close......and then go slow.......I like it best when it's the kind of experience when a man will take his time with me and also let me take my time with him...
Esme:	I have an oral fixation....that's why I eat so much...if I had a decent man I would be as thin as one of those super models and just eat him instead...
Scarlet:	I love oral too...so does he...giving and receiving but...he's so wild at times... turns me on real bad...He does these wild things like pulling me down an alley, making me talk dirty to him and he has such a breast fixation...I mean, he makes me do things I would never dream of with another man but with him I just feel...safe enough, I guess, even when what we are doing is anything but...does that make sense?
Bou:	Of course it does. Nothing's wrong with the right man. I'm afraid I am very tame but I just love kissing. A man who knows how to kiss well has me every time...
Carol:	I'm with you there, Bou! Kissing, touching, kissing, licking, kissing, him on top - kissing, me on top - kissing... very pedestrian, I know...
Jeff:	Not pedestrian...we all like a bit of action but at the end of the day...we're all looking for romantic love. That's why we need the affection most of all but still...a bit or rough, hey? Nothing like it... [Jeff has hit the nail on the head and everyone looks at him and smiles] ....so who likes it rough? I like it against a wall....Jesus, I am bombed if I'll admit that to you girls...
Gaia:	Me too! I love walls....and when Terry loses his calm and becomes all rough and commanding... what can I say....? I am helpless in his arms... [Uma pouts and moves off to make herself a cup of tea]
Eris:	I love it rough....and against the wall - and I cannot believe I just said that in front of you all...!
Heather:	Amen to that one, sister!
Marie:	I shouldn't say this but.....Doggy style.... [whoops all round...] ...Bud loves that and....in the bathroom...the shower or against the tiles....
Angel:	I love it in the shower ...or early morning.... Jack spooned up behind me.  Neither of us fully awake. Slow and gentle and tantalising ... and incredibly intense ... [everyone murmurs approvingly at the thought of wakeup sex]
Wildie:	East has a real thing for strip tease ...he loves me to taking things off in front of him, even if it's just my ratty work clothes, that just really works for him...I've even got him to strip for me and...Well, I just think it works for both of us...makes us so hot for each other...
Eris:	Max loves breasts ...but he also like to have his nipples nipped - I find that so adorable and I love how Terry hums in your ear when he's randy....first thing in the morning to wake you up...
Uma:	(sarcastically) I'm in the Mood for Love? Or one of his crude rugby songs?
Ann:	(purposely shining her on) Show tunes...he loves to sing show tunes in the shower....Oklahoma...all that old stuff.... anyway, what about you? You are strangely quiet about your sexual quirks...
Uma:	Me? I'm giving up sex. [The assembled gathering falls about laughing]
Jeff:	YOU? Is there a Z in the month?
Uma:	Hey, steady on - that was a bit off. I mean it. Seems to me sex is nothing but trouble. I'm only going to be platonically involved with men in future. Like me and....John Biebe. We've never had sex. That's why we like each other so much...
Marie:	(with one of her knowing smiles) We'll see about that...we might just be able to find the right man for you...
Uma:	I may have already found him....look...[pulls out a life sized naked Ken -style blow up doll from her room.]  See...just what I prefer...a life support system for a dick...and what a whopper, girls...pity about the squeaking though...
Cassie:	Just pretend it's farting and you'll feel at home.... [the whole place cheers...] I have to say that I rather liked Lachlan the caveman...when a decent bloke shows that he can let rip as well...you know? Be really masterful...
Erycina:	Johnny - he is so cute... he named each of my breasts. Aboriginal names....I looked them up and they are Goddess names in Australian Aboriginal folklore... how's this: Alinga (Sun Goddess) and Gidja (Moon Goddess)... [everyone giggles and says how adorable Johnny is...]
Bridgid:	...I must be drunk to say this but...I like being a submissive...I know it's not PC but I adore letting a man do what he likes to me...a man I trust, of course...you have to be careful... [The vibrator stops buzzing...which means reception will be improving downstairs....]
Uma:	Let me just find some more batteries...
	ACT FOUR:  Do Women Really Think Like That?
Dino:	Wait...think we're getting it back....yeah....
Bridgid:	I had a dream once that there were two Hando's. One for each end....
Arthur:	Bloody hell...!
Angharad:	I have Hando fantasies...I sort of look at Arthur and imagine him with tattoos and a shaved head...
Arthur:	Bloody hell...!
Scarlet:	I have this fantasy - I cannot believe I am saying this to you - a threesome with Hando - and Maximus...I go weak just thinking about it...imagine those two unleashing hell on your body...?
Jeff:	I'm going weak here...
Carol:	What did we do to masturbate before we met Hando? I have this kind of dark - rough Hando fantasy ... totally hot and animalistic ...Hando ... no words, just eyes, dancing wickedly, being pulled into a dark alley and taken against the wall by him....
Cassie:	Hando...just grabbing me in a disco and dragging me into a dark corner...just really dirty over a table...skirt around my waist and he just slams it in....God...you think Lachlan heard that?
Uma:	OK...this blow up doll can be Hando...throw me a felt pen and let's add a few tatts...Professor Rubber Skin...Anyone want a ride? [Hando is leaning on the bar drinking from a long necked bottle smoking, with a smug look on his face. Some of the other men are looking annoyed - most notably Arthur, Lachlan and Zack]
Terry:	Hey, Skin? Which Hando are you? Top or bottom? Either way...you mind if I don't shake your hand, mate? You have some dirty habits.... [All the men start laughing]
Dominic:	Do women really think like that? I mean...have fantasies like men do?
Colin:	Are you listening, mate?
Jack C:	Bloody hell...women sure have changed since my day...!
Heather:	I have this fantasy about me and Dino doing it in a taxi...with the driver sort of watching, you know...start out with mutual masturbation and then just lose it and...you know...
Dino:	Why, thank you for that piece of information, sweetheart...looks like we'll be taking a taxi ride soon...
Heather:	....Although sometimes, it's Maximus...imagine Maximus in a taxi all grim faced and stern and yet doing God knows what to me with his hands....I need to wring my panties out...
Terry:	What happened to that smirk, mate? Oh... I think it just moved to Maxie's face...
Wildie:	Mine is Bud and a pair of handcuffs...Oh my God, I am blushing right down to my toes... [East spits beer half way across the room as he chokes at that remark. Bud runs his hand over his mouth to stifle his grin and takes another sip of Scotch]
Tulip:	Egan when he overpowers me...and that isn't really a fantasy.... [Delighted whoops from the women and stomping of feet from the men. Egan blushes.]
Eris:	I think that a tied up fantasy is common for women but we would never do it or only with a guy who was safe. For me I have this thing about being tied up, blindfolded and disorientated...am I weird?
Angel:	No, I think you're right...I imagine being tied up and blindfolded, and for Jack to be completely in control...I don't know if I dare tell him - he might be shocked...
Jack A:	It takes a lot to shock an old sea dog...it's time to show Angel some nautical knots, methinks...
Gaia:	I have a role play fantasy with Terry....and it also includes Zack....they are very, very naughty boys...
Zack:	...No way do my pants come off in the same room as you, Thorne.
Terry:	I cannot tell you what a relief your assurance is to me, Grant.
Erycina:	I have this very elaborate Terry fantasy....
Terry:	Lay it on me, baby...
Erycina:	Have you ever read that Anne Rice story about a luxury resort where guests could engage in all sorts of things from bondage to domination to mild 'punishment'...East of Eden....well, I go there with Terry for a weekend and we do all sorts of S/M stuff...
Lachlan:	You dirty bastard, Thorne...
Terry:	Boy, do I get about...! Might have to give up the day job and become a gigolo...  TOL could open a new department....gives a whole new meaning to Risk or Crisis and Response. Just call me S and M man from now on.... [He chuckles to himself]
Bud:	Well, I've heard enough...she's coming home....[Picks up phone and calls Marie's cell] I think you've said enough, baby. Be down in five...
Cort:	Was that wise?
Marie:	I beg your pardon? I will stay as long as I like and, as a matter of fact, I plan on staying all night - we have hardly begun, lover...[shouts of 'Go, Marie, go!!']
Bud:	I've heard the crap you girls are saying; you're all bombed ...[He looks at the phone in surprise] ...hey...she hung up!
Stephen:	...Rather lacking in the diplomacy department, there, my good man.
Bud:	So you think you can do any better, stuffed shirt?
Jack A:	Let me try...[all the men groan. Jack calls Angel] Angel, my dear girl...I think perhaps it is time for us to withdraw...I have a little surprise for you...it involves being tied to the main mast....
Angel:	What? You've been listening in? Shame on you, Jack Aubrey....Uma....they heard it all....they are just so...so....soooo ....
Uma:	Oh you did, did you? Well, Jack Aubrey...let's see how good your ears are at the bottom of the sea, hey? [She takes the mike and drops it into the water in the flower vase. Transmission is immediately cut...]
Colin:	You think if I went up and asked Uma for a bed for the night....
Maximus:	I think you would be annihilated...there is a time to attack and a time to sit back and lick your wounds...I think we are in the latter period now...
Cort:	Well, I'm going up...to say my goodnights...
Dino:	That's what I call a brave man... [Cort ascends the stairs and knocks softly on the door]
Cort:	I bid you good night, ladies.... and Jeff. And may I say, Miss Esmerelda...rose pink suits you very well....I'll be off then... [Sounds of swooning and cooing from inside the room. Esme lets out a whimper. Cort emerges back into the bar with a broad smile on his face]
Lachlan:	You smug bastard...[All the men throw chips, nuts and beer mats at him as he bows and takes his leave.] Right lads...entertainment's over...anyone fancy the boxing highlights...
	ACT FIVE: Cherry Pie
Uma:	Cort...he is just too gorgeous for words...did I ever tell you about when Cort and I ... no....that's private...especially now that I've given up men... Hey, it just occurred to me. No evening of confessions is complete without the big question...Who was your first? Who set you on the path to ruin? The Road to Perdition? The highway to hell...?
Heather:	Only if you go first...seeing as you have be remarkably quiet this evening...so like you to get everyone else talking and keep your own fantasies to yourself....like we don't all know who powers your dildo for you...
Uma:	Actually you don't...you just think you do - and you are wrong.... [Snorts of derision all round] But...I'm not shy. My first? He was from central America. Looked like Enrique Iglesias. Totally amoral. Deliciously sinful. Body to die for....swarthy enough, but not like a bear...in a car coming back from Oxford one night...
Ann:	I hope to God he wasn't driving...or you for that matter...
Uma:	Of course not...we were in the back seat...actually I only technically lost it in the car. Fingers only...the real consummation came a few hours later...I am pleased to say it was everything I had hoped it would be. Perhaps that was the problem. It was too good...gave me real taste for it...Heather...you next...
Heather:	I was eighteen. First semester at college. Older brother's friend. Nothing much to add. It was....good. Hey, Jeff...what about you...?
Jeff:	I'm not sure this is fit for ladies'. But ...it was in the garden shed with a bloke from school...and no, I will not tell you who did what to whom...I have to keep some mystery.... Ann....you up next?
Ann:	College football player- aggressive type, you know? He was tall, dark, Italian, three years older than me ... Built like ... hell, even now, it's a body I remember! He pushed, very hard. I'd never had anyone push that hard who hadn't scared me off. I think he didn't scare me because he was honest and because he always made me think that he knew exactly what to do. He knew I was a virgin; he told me he could tell I didn't want to be a virgin anymore; he was right ... it impressed me he knew that. One night, after a date, he asked me if I knew that every night when he left me, he had to go masturbate. I'd never had anyone say anything like that ... it wasn't like he was trying to make me feel guilty for making him frustrated; it was that he thought I'd like to know I had the ability to make him that horny for me. He wanted me to understand my own power over a man. When he took my hand and let me feel him, I didn't want anything so much as I wanted to be with him that night and learn from him. I asked him to be gentle. He said he would show me how great it could be; that he would make it good right from the start. And he did. I still remember that time so clearly; I also remember looking at myself in the mirror after he left and I could see the change from girl to woman. He was a great teacher; patient, fun and oh-my-god sexy and agile. My only regret is that all these years later, I'd love to look him up and thank him for being my first time because he set the bar high enough....listen to me rambling on....Marie..?
Marie:	Pretty simple. To Bud. I'm just new at this game...guess I weighed in above my class  but....he's never scared me...he can be pretty wild but...he's so gentle too... [She goes all dreamy eyed...everyone goes 'Awwwwww']  Cassie?
Cassie:	Sixth form. High school to you, I think... dance....back of a car afterwards...usual fumbling....I wasn't sure it had happened really but he filled the condom... probably shot his rocks at the door...but we got it right eventually. Worked at it over the next few weeks....I was such a good student... Bou?
Bou:	Wedding night. Arranged marriage. It could have been worse. He was not unduly unpleasant - but I can't really call it memorable...Gaia?
Gaia:	Cultural camp in Florence when I was seventeen. An Italian. Well, it is a form of cultural exchange, n'est-ce pas? [We all giggle] Bridgid?
Bridgid:	Not drunk enough...another time, perhaps? Angel?
Angel:	This may come as a surprise but....actually it was Maximus...[sharp intake of breath all round] Yeah, I know...Max was my first (and what a first, I have to say!).  It almost happened the night after we had visited the Roman fort at Ribchester but I had to leave suddenly. It actually did happen a few days later, around the time of the 'charm contest' between Jack and Terry ... that night Max and I slipped out almost unnoticed.  It was a lovely early summer's evening.  We never made it back to Max's place....
Uma:	[whistles] Maximus and Jack....boy, is that setting the bar high, girl!
Angel:	...and Cort...we had a little fling...(blushing)  Carol? [Everyone is impressed. This girl has taste...]
Carol:	Can I follow that? I'll try..... Standing up in the dark corner behind a giant statue of Rameses II in the Boston Museum of Fine Arts on a rainy non-crowded afternoon....
Uma:	OH MY GOD...you didn't? AND THE PRIZE GOES TO CAROL!!!! That is so cool...man, I wish I had done that....
Carol:	Actually I did. I shudder when I think of it now...although the idea of re-living that with Zack....mmmmm, now there's a visual....OK..who's next...Eris...
Eris:	Pretty boring...no pun intended [They all giggle] It was to a colleague who did not know how young I was - it was an internship - I was twenty and still at college . He was a 30-year-old lawyer who worked in one of the other office buildings nearby. He didn't normally brownbag his lunch, but on this one sunny day, he just wanted to be outside so he happened to be eating his lunch on a bench and so had I. We got to talking over lunch. For the next week or so, he began bringing his lunch to work every. Finally he asked me out on a date; I accepted. After a few dates, I decided he would be the one. It was all exciting and mysterious. He treated me like I was an adult; he had no idea of my age. Not until he had me in his bed and realized I was a virgin. He did not react well to the discovery; said I'd led him on. That was it...I never saw him again. But...I got over it... Scarlet?
Scarlet:	My wedding night. I waited. I was a good girl in those days.... Erycina?
Erycina:	College boyfriend....nothing special....in fact, I was rather disappointed that it wasn't quite the earth-shattering experience all my friends assured me it would be. However, the next guy........he's the one who finally made me see what all the fuss was about. Then I was hooked... Esme...come on...don't be shy...
Esme:	(blushing fiercely) Here goes...Twenty-two at Uni.  Did it with my best friend, whom I'd known for years and years. He was a man...sounded like I meant a girl then, didn't it? Wish I'd held out for love, but it was a nice experience all the same.  It didn't hurt.  He made me come twice but the earth didn't move 'cause we weren't in love.  We slept together off and on that entire year at school, but then he got a serious girlfriend and married her when he graduated.  We're still good mates to this day...
Uma:	Sometimes it's better with a bloke you like rather than love. At the beginning, I mean. As long as you don't confuse the two. Which, I have to admit, can happen even to experienced old hands like me [She sighs].... Is that everyone...hey, Clarity, you've been quiet tonight, what's up...not like you....
Clarity:	I've been listening - and having fun...but...I'm still a little shy about admitting to such things, you know? I'm not sure that the first time is the right question for me. When did I lose my virginity or when did I lose my innocence? That is the question. I lost my virginity as a grown woman to a man I loved. But my innocence...that was taken from me when I was a child. [There is an uncomfortable pause at her words...] I'm sorry...I shouldn't have said that here....I must  have drunk to much....how embarrassing for you all....my deepest apologies.... [A moment of sobering silence occurs while everyone takes in the revelation]
Ann:	Hey, no one's offended. We're just all so touched that you would share such a personal thing with us. You only do that with friends that really matter. Or your shrink...and let's face it... We're nutty enough to be psychiatrists...! [Everyone laughs and embraces are exchanged. Jeff makes a special point of picking Clarity up and giving her a bear hug. But he says nothing. Just then the door opens and in walks Hando]
Hando:	I fucking live here...so I can come up. [Hauls Scarlet over his shoulder] Bedtime...Unfortunately for you the general's gone home, luv...but fortunately for you, I can manage both ends... [Carries her off squealing 'put me down, big boy...']
Uma:	I'm going to chase the last few out and lock up downstairs...if you want to stay the night...that's no problem...we can double up and some of you can sleep here in sleeping bags...but let's not break up the party yet...we haven't told any ghosts stories and it's nearly Halloween...Nor have we cast lots for Jeff's body...first prize tonight is...Jeff and I'll even throw in my bedroom for a bit of privacy...you game, Jeff?
Jeff:	Too right...although I may not be at my best...I've drunk a bloody barrel tonight... I'd better move onto black coffee or I might ruin my reputation....I say we cut the cake and have a coffee and I'll tell you about this gay bar I know in Sydney that has a queer ghost....