Chili Palmer can be such an ass.

I know I adore him but he really can be such an ass.

Not a night had passed since I first took him to the pub that he wasn't forcing me to at least drop in for a drink. Lots of times, he was calling me on the cell and telling me to meet him there ... and I'd get there and he'd be locked in conversation with one of the guys ... or flirting up Uma who really seemed to abhor him, though she also seemed to watch his ass a lot when he'd saunter away from the bar.

And in this time of Chili moving in on the Pub, the dynamics were crystal clear to read.

Terry despised him; it didn't help one iota that Chili never ever missed a chance to flirt with Gaia. Dino was amused and, truth be told, I think he rather enjoyed Chili's style, though Terry said all that would change the first time Chili came on to Heather. Bud called him 'the wise guy' with that particular way Bud has of sneering when he talks.

Now, Jack found him endlessly amusing and they'd even gone out carousing together a time or two. Johnny and Dom hung on his every word and, kill me if this sounds nuts, but I think they were even imitating his walk a bit. I heard Angharad tell Arthur to pay attention to Chili and get in good with him ... that he should hitch his wagon to a rising star, or something like that. John had tried to be pleasant until Chili had flirted with Clarity and bought her a drink one night before John got off work. Maximus made absolutely no attempt to hide his disdain for Chili and, frankly, Chili seemed to love winding him up.

It's like this, I told Buck one night when I got home ... it seemed to me that the older men had a real active dislike for Chili and considered him an invader they would not tolerate without a fight. Unfortunately, Chili didn't give them many options except for juvenile pranks ... like they'd kick his stool out when he'd stand up, hoping he'd miss it when he'd sit back down. Yeah, that never worked with Chili. Much too cool, our Chili. Now, more than once, he'd come back from the men's room with this flickering dark look on his face and some wet spots on his pants ... I found out from Jeff that Terry, Bud, John and some of the other older guys had taken to "accidentally" jostling Chili just when he'd be letting loose over the urinal. Funny ha-ha, eh?

Bud and John Biebe had run a check on Chili. They couldn't find a record of him, of course. Terry tried; came up scratch. Zack sneered at their pathetic attempts and loaded his name in the FBI's database ... came up with the big goose egg. But then SID happened to mention they should think outside the box ... I swear, SID has the most annoying giggle. But it had taken Chili one look at SID and the truth was still out there waiting to be discovered.

And Chili was enjoying getting to know all these people. He was genuinely interested in them ... like he'd just move beyond the hostility and find a way inside them ... asking them questions about themselves, about what they did ... finding common ground.

And somehow, it seemed to me, he just got some of those men involved in God knows what schemes he was doing. But they started watching out for him more and more. And there did come this quick shift there ... where guys like Jack, Johnny, Alex, Colin, East, Hando and Arthur kinda dug on Chili and his way of approaching life like it was something to be experienced full throttle and without taking shit off anyone.

I got cornered pretty frequently ... by the women. Who was Chili, they wanted to know. I pretended he was nothing more than a good-looking, smooth man who was a heck of a lotta fun to be with. Uma didn't trust him. Sheila smelled a rat but thought he filled out his pants nice enough. Bou rather shared that opinion. Marie and Eris thought he was cute but hated the way he wound up the men. He made Clarity and Angel feel odd. Scarlet, Maxie and McKenna weren't sure they liked the effect he was having on their men.

Gaia thought he was a hoot and that he looked damned fine ... but she was still quick to whisper in Terry's ear whenever he'd get all he-man pissy over something else he'd hear Chili say or do. Carol seemed to just appreciate him as a piece of work and never let Zack's issues be hers. Heather thought him slick; she sensed that he was hiding a past she wouldn't appreciate ... well, but who would? We're talking a man who used to hurt people for the mob, right? I followed Chili's mantra and tried not to say more than I had to about him because I genuinely believe he really was trying to go straight.

Yeah, so that was the dichotomy among the men ... the dynamics I was talking about. Because as much as some of the men despised Chili and pulled shit on him, the others let him charm them. And that's the thing with Chili. Sometimes you just can't help enjoying him even if you know you probably shouldn't.

Put me in that category.

He bugged the crap out of me. But I still adored him plenty.

He told me how to dress, he told me how to walk, he told me how to hold myself. He wouldn't let me wallow in pain, he wouldn't let me have second thoughts about the course I was on, he wouldn't let me say no. He just ignored me when I said 'no' ... like I hadn't even spoken. And then he'd shove me down the slippery slope I was on.

But he wouldn't tell me much about what he was up to. Once, he said to me that he had this idea about the bar ... about how it could be better ... about how it could be right up his alley. But I noticed he never really broached the subject with Uma. I think the first time he made some suggestion to her about the Pub, it had caused the steam to rise from her ears. I think Chili knew she liked him for all she protested; I think that pissed her off; I think Chili loved it.

He kind of took over my life. If I wasn't with him, I was being sent on an errand or I was told how to spend my time. You see that making me anything but crazy?

Speaking of errands ... Chili was the reason I was at the mall that day. He'd asked me to meet him at the Pub. When I got there, he sat with me in a booth and went over this list of things he wanted me to go get at the mall. Christmas gifts. Yeah, you heard me. He was sending me out shopping for Christmas gifts he wanted to give out to people around the pub. Well, I mean, he gave me his credit card and told me that I could feel free to charge whatever I wanted to pick up for myself as well.

When I said no, he told me to feel free to take his van.

So I did.

Yeah, he had a van by then. It was black. Actually, it was pretty cool driving it.

You know, I don't actually like going to the mall. I'm just not much of a shopper. I am much more content to order off the Internet or pick something up in some little shop I know about ... going to the mall bores me to tears. But at Christmas? Going to the mall during the holidays is the most sincere form of torture man has devised, in my opinion.

But Chili had at least designated the stores he wanted me to go to and the items he wanted me to find at each place. While I was there, I found myself feeling pretty mellow and kind of grooving to the seasonal music, the schmaltzy decorations and even the screaming kids visiting Santa. Eh, I figured I could be Scrooge some other year.

I was standing there watching another kid jumping up and down in excitement to be next in line for Santa only to screech bloody murder when he really had to sit on the jolly old elf's lap ... I glanced around as I waited on the next victim ... and across a crowded corridor ... I saw him. Him.

Him.

My heart always skips when I first see him. I hate that so much. I live in fear he'll see that look on me someday before I can start breathing again.

I wondered if he was with her. I figured he had to be. They were probably out doing that cute couple thing ... out buying gifts for friends and family that they'd attach cards to saying the gift was from him and her.

Before I knew it, I was walking along on my side of the corridor watching him as he walked along on his. And that's when I realized he was alone.

I thought about what Chili would have told me in that moment. He would have said, "Ann, you look fantastic ... he's alone ... just saunter on over and 'bump' into him. Ask him to help you find something totally impossible that's not on your list ... and keep bending over around him so he'll keep getting turned on ... and give him that look ... and when he asks you to dinner, exploit the opportunity. And never apologize when he starts pursuing you. Make him crawl to you, though. Because you know he should."

You know, I was almost about to go over there and let him see me ... my body was turned in that direction ... but then he went into one of the department stores that I most hate and it wasn't a store on Chili's list ... and so I just didn't do it.

Follow him, I mean.

Because what was the point anyway?

What did I really think I was doing? This man and I? We were friends. That's all we ever said we'd be. How I let myself fall in love with him ... I don't know how it happened. But I was. And that's the really stupid part, you know? Because nothing good would ever come of this.

I mean, say I spent the day flirting and coming on to him and at some point, he looked at me and realized ... whoa, maybe she's not just a buddy. Then what? Then I screw up his life totally, don't I? Am I really saying that I deserve happiness so much that I'd put him in the miserable position of breaking the heart of this woman he loves? And what about her?

My God. She'd feel like I'm feeling. It would kill him to do that to her. It would. 

But say he doesn't break up with this other woman when he realizes I am in love with him and not just his buddy ... say he doesn't want to break up with her because he is in love with her and not ever going to be in love with me ... then what?

It's just that he's just so ... so ... so ... you know? He just is.

Frankly, as much as it hurts like a knife to the heart each and every time I see him because I know some other woman is making him happy while all he knows is that I wish him only the best because we're friends ... I do still wish him only the best.

That's what hurts. I wish I could hate the woman he loves. I wish he hadn't told me once all about the kind of woman he was looking for ... because I'm so very much not her. And no matter what Chili Palmer does for me, I never will be.

So there you go.

That's why I didn't follow him. I just am not that ruthless. And because I do love that man. So I can't hurt him that way.

I looked at Chili's list until the blurry words turned sharp again. Next place was a jewelry store where he wanted me to select something for Uma from a few pieces he was considering. The store was close by. I had to stand inside there with a number, waiting my turn. I let myself zone out into the Christmas music. I had this fleeting fantasy of going couple Christmas shopping with the right man. Of signing our names together on the gift cards.

And then he just walked right in that store as I stood in front of a tree full of glass ornaments. I'm so lucky that I didn't break them all. He had to kind of grab hold of the tree and keep it from falling.

He said he was so very happy to see a friendly face. I put on my friendly face. He asked me what I was doing ... I said ... er ... um ... picking something up for a friend and ... er ... trying to find a bell ornament to add to my collection ... and ... er ... well, not much, really.

He said he'd seen me standing in the open doorway of the jewelry shop and realized what a lucky break it was for him as he needed a woman's opinion about a gift ... I swallowed the way that felt because I knew he was going to ask me to help him pick out something nice for his woman.

Which is what he did.

If I closed my eyes, I could have seen the last good time we'd been together ... when things between us had just been fun if intense. I could remember it was simpler then ... and incredibly affecting to find myself considered a friend as well as a lover. I should have stopped with that memory. But then again ... my eyes were open.

And he was out shopping for a special Christmas gift for the woman he loved.

When my number was called, I caught the look of contempt on his face when I told the woman I was there to see Chili Palmer's items. He narrowed his eyes and looked off when I told her that, no, the gift I'd be selecting was not for me but for Uma.

I would have given a lot if he had chosen to not stay there like a sentry near me as the women laid out the five pieces Chili wanted me to choose between. I felt this wave of disapproval from him, like he thought less of me because I was 'with' Chili from what everyone seemed to accept and yet here I was, out helping Chili buy some nice trinket for another woman.

It didn't take me but a bit of study of the pieces to pick out what I thought was best for Uma ... Chili actually had quite nice taste. I opted for this bracelet that was really old-fashioned looking. I thought Uma would appreciate the gesture, I muttered to him. He raised his eyebrows in response. Well, it's because Chili likes old movies, especially those set in the 30s and this looks like that time period and that will touch her.

The saleslady was reaching to take Chili's credit card from my fingers, when he says, "What about you? Which one would you wish for yourself ... if that is what you had been choosing instead?"

The woman looked between us, probably hoping for another sale. I touched this delicate bracelet that was made of raw amethysts and tiny chunks of peridot interspersed with small dabs of matte gold. This reminds me of Mardi Gras colors but in a very unexpected way, I smiled at him. Getting that would tell me a man appreciated my roots ... and that he also saw the adventurous side of me that would want something unique.

The woman looked at him. I waved her away by dropping Chili's credit card in her hand and asking her to use the silver and blue wrapping paper on Uma's gift.

While she tended to that, he looked down into the box of gold and diamond jewelry near us. He pointed to a few pieces and then kind of grunted in frustration. He confessed he had no idea how to begin. I asked if he would prefer earrings, ring or necklace ... he said necklace. So we began the search for the perfect necklace to express his love. He ended up selecting one with a very artistic, free-flowing heart with a diamond at the bottom ... one diamond, he said, to symbolize their first Christmas together. I waited around with him while he paid and got it wrapped.

And before you knew it, we were standing around awkwardly outside the store looking in opposite directions along the corridor. He ended up just kind of drifting along with me as I finished my Chili rounds to the last two stores.

Then he asked me to dinner.

"Oh." I said it soft and smiled at him. "I think that's not a good idea. Not anymore."

"Ann, I have spent almost no time with you lately. We should be together ... if you're free tonight, of course."

"How would she feel if she knew?" I asked him. He shrugged his shoulders and said she knew about me. "See, I think it's a bad idea for us to go on a date now that the two of you are so ... involved."

"So you've decided how she and I are to feel in this matter? How kind of you." He said it tightly and the derision dripped from him.

I felt myself blush hard. This was going so badly. I could read him ... he just hadn't realized how him falling in love with his ideal woman was going to impact his relationship with idiot Ann and I was convinced if I didn't do something quick and decisive that he'd catch on ... that he'd realize I was in pain because I'd never be to him anything other than a side-door Janie ...

"Actually, the truth is ... I'm in love with someone. So I've just decided, see, that I'm not dating anymore. Not now. It would be inappropriate. It's just that I'd rather be with him or with no one."

"I see." He pursed his lips and scowled into the distance over my left shoulder. He kind of ground his teeth; I knew he thought I was telling him that I was in love with Chili. "Then I congratulate him on his success. Any man would be fortunate to find love with you."

Oh sure, I thought. As if! "Thank you for being so gracious."

I don't think the smile unfroze from my face until I was at least ten miles from the mall.

Imagine.

Of all the fucking blind damned luck.

Man, that had been so painful.

But necessary. Because I wanted the dream to die ... even if I wasn't sure that wouldn't hurt more.

Chili would kill me when I told him what I'd done.

And I knew I'd tell him. I told him every stupid thing I did. Like I was punishing myself a bit more.

When I told him that night, he just leaned back on my couch and looked at the ceiling. "You fucking helped him pick out a present for her? And then basically blew him off?"

"I guess your lessons didn't quite sink in," I said.

He glanced over at me. "What am I gonna do with you, Ann?"

"Don't give up on me. Not yet. Maybe after the holidays I'll try again? I mean, I hate messing up their Christmas by interfering ..."

"Fine."

"I'm sorry, Chili."

"I said it's fine. Maybe you're right. Maybe I've been pushing you too hard. It's okay. You and me, Ann, right? We won't give up on each other."

I decorated my Christmas tree after Chili left that night. It's not a huge tree, but it's mine. And it's pretty spiffy. Turns around, the lights are built in, they twinkle and turn my apartment warm and cuddly at night. And upon its branches are ornaments that are each special to me. Many of them are gifts from my family, who live far away from me.

My grandmother started giving me bell ornaments when I was just a baby. My mother displayed them on the mantle each year and I took the box with me when I moved away from home. Many of them, my grandmother made by hand. Some are crocheted, some are quilled, some are wooden, some are metal she fashioned herself. Others she bought me. My favorite one is green and made of spun glass ... she got that the year this old amusement park in my hometown was closing down and I made a trip home to take her there one last time before they tore it all down. A few years later, it was nothing except a huge empty field on the side of the lake. But I always have felt like I could hear the squeals of kids riding the little wooden roller coaster when I take out the ornament she bought me that day at the amusement park.

Every year, I try to find the ideal bell ornament to add to my collection. Sometimes, I don't have to because someone will give me one and I'll be so tickled that they did that. Holding that green bell gave me the feeling of home and hope.

I had been planning to go home for Christmas this year like I always do. I leave two days before and come back maybe two days later. But that night, Chili had asked me to stay in town and celebrate with him at the Pub. I agreed because I knew he'd be alone if I didn't. But I also knew it would be just my luck that magic would strike for Chili a day or two before Christmas and he'd hook up with someone while I'd be all alone.

So I made him promise me that no matter what, he would take me to the Christmas Eve celebration at the Pub and that he wouldn't desert me. Because if he did, that would simply be too pathetic to have to be sitting there watching ... well, you understand, I'm sure. It's hard to always be a good sport in public when you're losing hope and yet still trying to reconcile to reality.

Where I'd once been bored ... I'd graduated to frustrated.

I laid there in bed the next day after my experience at the mall and being so close to him ... I woke up with the taste of him a memory that made me wet.

And you'd know that I'd decided in this impetuous mood after the move to get rid of the toys, right? I'd been okay for a long time, like things had been kind of dead inside. But one short hour of being near him ... of seeing his fingers stroking delicate chains ... of watching the way the splintered reflections of glittered light would catch along the rims of his eyes when he'd glance at me ... of seeing his tongue come peeking out of his mouth to rest along his bottom lip as he concentrated on making a decision ... of the way his shoulders looked when he'd bent over the glass case to point out a necklace he wanted to look at ... of how his masculinity seemed magnified in that shop with him standing there all big and tough amidst delicate glass cases and sparkling lights ... of the sound of his chuckle that was private and meant just for me ... of the way his hands looked splayed out upon the glass and I could have almost felt them splayed out upon my belly ... of the feel of his warmth and solidity when he'd hugged me goodbye at my car.

All those images of how he'd been with me once had kept me tossing and turning all night until I craved relief.

Even a cold shower did nothing but make me curse.

So I drove over there ... well, to Pandora's Box ... don't ask how I knew about this little shop of adult pleasure. Well, honestly, I'd remembered the name from a bag that held something someone had brought me once ... and I just kind of tucked it in my memory.

Thank goodness it's like on the way other side of town from me so no one would know me. It's actually a pretty upscale place and is in a very chi-chi strip mall. It's right next door to a great lingerie shop. In fact, I went in there first and just kind of moseyed around until I got up the guts to go next door.

Inside, I kept my eyes down until I realized that not only did no one know me but no one cared. So then I just got about my business. I passed the display of fancy black and gold packages that each said "Beginner's Bondage Kit." I glanced at these raffia wrapped tubes that said "Cleopatra's Erotic Bubble Bath" and almost picked one up to read the ingredients except I didn't know that I really wanted to ramp up my sexual frustration when I was really just needing desperately to get rid of it.

But I was very bold when it came to examining the products that had really brought me in that shop. I was holding one of them when this older woman neared me. She was trying hard, like me, to look cool and not desperate. We stood side-by-side and looked over the products. I felt pretty awkward with her standing right there until she suddenly snorted and held out to me this one encased in plastic. I read the label ... "All New! Thrusting Vibrator!" ... and just started chuckling under my breath. Pretty soon, we were just looking things over like we were shopping for new bras or something. Not exactly like it wasn't a trifle embarrassing but cool enough that we could read the features on the labels and consider what suited us best.

And then it happened.

As if my last two days had not been bad enough ... what are the real odds I'd be standing there with a vibrator in each hand just when a very familiar voice comes from the next aisle over?

I rose up on my toes and peered over the racks toward the counter where the check out register was.

A shock of red hair, dark leather jacket and hands on hips. I'd have known him anywhere.

I was a fraction of a second from ducking back down when he turned to look around ... he slid his sunglasses down his nose; I waved at him. He shook his head; I smiled and batted my eyes.

"Dino O'Leary, what are you doing here?" I asked him.

He kind of looked around him and said, very puzzled, "What is this place?"

Just then, a man comes out from the back office and says, "Dino! Man, I got the stuff you ordered right here. You wanna check this out before I ring it up?"

He gave the guy a sideways glance and muttered, "Do all redheads look like Dino's around here?"

Looked back at me. There was this ... not a challenge but almost a dare there in his eyes. He just looked at me ... and I suddenly pictured him walking over to where I was and taking a look at what I was holding. I turned and dropped them both on the display case and then came around to where Dino was.

"Don't let me run you off," Dino said.

"No, no ... I was just ... um ... Thought I might ... um ..." I felt myself blushing. At least he didn't laugh at me. "Hey, I'm an adult. I'm allowed in a place like this!"

He gave me a nod. Then he cocked his head and really looked at me.  He suggested we go for a drink ... When he took my arm and almost dragged my embarrassed body toward the door, I played the smartass and said I wouldn't rat him out ... he swore he had no idea what I meant.

"Dino, we were both in an adult toy store. At least I can admit that much."

"I thought it seemed a bit odd in there. I was looking for the lingerie shop ... must have wandered in there by mistake."

I knew he was kidding around with me, being a smartass back, trying to put me back at ease with him ... couldn't help laughing at him. "By mistake? Dino! The guy knew your name!"

We walked to the end of the strip mall where there was one of those fern bars ... yuppie central. We dispensed with the normal chitchat. Actually, I like chitchat Dino-style. He is so much fun to just trade jabs with. He's never really mean and he is often incredibly sweet.

In a pause, I almost made some joke about that store being an unexpected place to find him doing his Christmas shopping for Heather, except he asked me about Chili before I could. "Where'd you meet him?" he asked me.

"At the video store," I said. "We both like comedies."

"What do you know about him?"

"Well, he's in the mob. Loan shark, I think. Might be a hit man. I was never sure about that."

"Ann ..."

"What?"

"If you don't want to tell me, just say so. Don't go yanking my chain."

"Mmm. Was that why you were in that store? Buying chains for Heather to yank you around with?"

"Yeah, well, I could ask why you were in there."

"I'm in the midst of what looks to be a very long dry spell. If you must know, mister."

He narrowed his eyes and looked out the window. "What about Chili?"

"Jesus, Dino. I don't sleep with every man I meet. Or date. What do you take me for?"

"You two seem mighty close when I see you. But you're absolutely right, Ann. I shouldn't have jumped to that conclusion."

"Hey ... I'm sorry. I shouldn't bite your head off. It was a natural assumption, I suppose.  But I'm not. Sleeping with him, I mean. Just don't tell anyone, okay?"

"Anyone in particular or in general?"

"In general. Stop fishing."

He turned his full gaze on me at that. Settled back in his chair, sipped his scotch, studied me until I got antsy. "So who is it in the bar that you want believing you're having an affair with Chili? Because I know you too well to not know you're trying to leave that impression on purpose."

"It's not who you think."

"No?"

"No. I promise."

"So ... are you trying to get back at him, whoever he is ... or trying to make him jealous ... or ..." He smiled at me. "This is serious, isn't it? You can tell me."

"No, I really can't. Look, the only thing that matters is this ... Chili's just performing escort duties, so to speak, because it's really tough going in that bar when ..." His eyebrows shot up. In for a penny, in for a pound, I thought. I leaned across the table. He leaned toward me. We were close enough I could talk softly to him.

That's the thing about Dino, see? I just had always been able to tell him things. Not that I sought him out for this, like he was my father confessor or something. But it's just that when I'd see him, he seemed to have this sixth sense for when I maybe needed to unload without it being about me having a bitch session with him.

"I screwed up," I told him. He covered my hand with his and gazed deep into my eyes. He's got a very hypnotic gaze when he's like this. It's as if every atom in his body is paying attention to you. "This man in question ... he thinks we're just friends. Good friends. We've been intimate, so it's like we're sex buddies, you know? Except something happened ... I just screwed up and fell in love with him. I mean, really in love, Dino."

"That's a good thing. Isn't it?"

"Not in this case. Because while I was falling in love with him, he was falling in love with another woman he'd been seeing at the same time. I mean, he was always honest with me ... I always knew she was incredibly important to him ... but ... we couldn't walk away from the physical part of our relationship. Until ... until ... well, we both just seemed to do it mutually."

"So where's that leave you?"

"I don't want to upset what he's got with her. It's not right."

"So Chili's your cover?"

"It's gotten very confusing, Dino. Chili thinks I'm a fool not to try for the guy. To just try ... to see if maybe he could be interested in me that way, like maybe he never thought about me that way before but given a bit of encouragement, he would, see? Chili's been trying to help me ... you know, right look, right attitude ... all that."

"That's why you're letting Chili Palmer make all these changes in you? Not that you don't look even better than normal ... because you do, honey. So what's Chili's game? His angle? I know he's got one."

"He likes the Pub. He wants to hang out there. I don't know what else. I think he really likes Uma but I ... he could be after more for all I know."

"That worries me. Do you at least know what he wants with you?"

So I told him ... that he was trying to help me be more assertive with men, that he wanted to help me at least make a stab at this man. I blurted out to Dino about Chili's belief that it was wrong to go through my life letting this chance at being happy get away from me. I caught this warning look come over his face.

"Don't worry, Dino. I doubt I'll ever change that much. But you never know. Then again, it's been a very inauspicious start." I told him about seeing the man at the mall and how I'd ended up helping him find the perfect love token for his woman.

Dino patted my hand. That must have been very painful, he said softly. I couldn't even speak; just nodded my head and looked at his hand on top of mine.

"You can't tell him," he finally said. I shrugged my shoulders. "Have you thought about how it'll make him feel to know? It will hurt him."

"Would it? But why?" I asked as I looked into his eyes.

"I've been there before, Annie. It's not a good place." He gave me this sad smile. "I had a friend ... a wonderful woman. But I was never attracted to her that way. We were intimate but it was casual and it only happened a few times. It happened when it did as much because we felt affection of a sort for each other as it did that we were both of us uninvolved at the time. I'm not proud of it, but I came to feel I'd used her ... when she told me she was in love with me, somewhere deep inside, I had probably known it already. I had just ignored it, I realized, because I was content with her as a friend. And then I ended up doing the one thing I would never have wanted to do. Imagine knowing how she must have felt that I didn't return the deeper connection she felt to me?"

"Did you stay friends? Because, I mean, if you were friends, just because she loved you ... well, once she knew you didn't, then you could just go back to friends, right?"

"Do you have any idea what it's like to know how badly I hurt her? She was my friend, Annie. How do you go back? That's rather one of those either - or situations. Every time I was with her after that, I felt like I'd been a bastard to her because she fell in love with me while I never saw her that way. You don't think I wasn't looking at her and knowing just seeing me was painful for her after that? And, yeah, I grew resentful ... it hurt me that things changed between us like they did." He picked up my hand and played with my fingers. "And, no, there was no way we could turn back and be just friends again. Christ, that was painful for me ... both to lose her friendship and to know I'd hurt her. I felt like a heel and I hadn't even done anything wrong, if you think about it. It's a no-win situation when it's not mutual and you've been that close."

"I never thought about that." I blinked back tears at the look on his face. I could read that even after all this time, it was a pain he still felt. "I don't want that to happen to us ... to me and him."

"You have to make a choice. If you want to keep him as a friend, I'd advise you to keep quiet. Fake it until you can dial it back to friendship."

I didn't honestly know if that was possible ... the dialing it back to only buddies bit, I mean. I would have liked to say it was, but in that particular moment, I was pretty sure I wasn't going to just be able to snap myself out of this love.

Still ... still ... I thought about what Dino'd said after we split up that afternoon. I knew he was righter than Chili was ... in a place of bad options, this seemed to be the 'righter' thing to do.

I sat in my car for a while after Dino drove off. I started the engine and then remembered why I'd come over there. So I went back inside Pandora's Box. The guy who'd been talking to Dino was behind the counter. He gave me a smile when I came in. I got what I wanted ... was about to pay for my purchase when I told him that Dino had asked me to go ahead and pick up his stuff, too, while I was in there.

"Okay then, let's just bag it all up ... I assume he wants me to put it on his account?" the guy said. I said not only that, but he wants to put my item on his account, too. The guy shrugged.

It's funny ... sometimes when I am far down but ready to climb back up from some pit I've jumped in, I feel rather inappropriately giddy. It's like another part of me takes over for a while and I can shelter the bruised heart behind bravado and zaniness. When I'm like that, I find the weirdest things to be amused by ... and nothing whacky seems off limits.

So as I waited while the guy and his young assistant began ringing up Dino's bill, I got to being amused by the absurdity of life. All this time knowing Dino and here I was, in the oddest circumstances, learning a bit more about that delicious mind of his. I didn't actually peak at anything in the bag that held Dino's order but just when the guy was handing my little bag to me and about to hand Dino's bigger bag to me, the young assistant says to him, hey, you forgot to put in the special bonus item. The guy was going to slip it discreetly in Dino's bag, but hell, the assistant was holding it up where I could see it ...

"Vibrating nipple clips?" I asked the guy. He bit his lip and gave the assistant a little glare. Then smiled at me, all professional, like this was nothing that they were apparently giving vibrating nipple clips away with every large order.

"Be sure and tell him that Artie says these new ones are really special," Artie said, keeping a straight face.

"Oh, I will be sure and tell him."

"Is he getting them for you?" 

"No. For a friend of mine."

"She must be a special lady. He's got quite the bag of tricks in here. But then Dino is a man who selects his fetishes with care."

I swear I kept a straight face. "Well, so is Heather."

"Good for him."

I dropped the bag off at Dino's office on my way home. I knew he wouldn't be there ... that was the whole point. The receptionist gave me a piece of paper ... I wrote him this little note:

"Dino ... strawberry? Really now. Artie says hi and to make sure you know that the rest of your order will be in next week. Oh, and the glow-in-the-dark fetish dice? Only you, Dino, only you. Does Heather know what kind of man she's involved with?"

Say whatever you want about the Redhead; Lord knows I have. But one thing's for sure ... he's experienced when it comes to people.

So I'll take his advice. It's the way to go, isn't it? I mean, Chili means well and he's been damn good for me, but I'm not Chili. I have to go with my heart on this. And my heart tells me that I have to find the strength to let the dream go, really and truly.

It'll take a while. You don't just erase love like this. You just have to deal with it being a one-way street. You have to resolve to never act on it. You have to accept that it's going to hurt like a bitch ... and just hope it'll eventually not hurt to breathe.

I will never tell him how I really feel about him. I'll go through my life knowing he might have been the one for me, but he's off limits.

I can do this.

I know I can.

That's why I know I love him. Because I do this for him.